


I Never Meant For You to Fix Yourself

by AnakinCaffrey



Series: Threads [2]
Category: White Collar
Genre: Angst/Family Angst, Family, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-02
Updated: 2015-05-03
Packaged: 2018-02-23 14:57:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 60
Words: 363,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2551736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnakinCaffrey/pseuds/AnakinCaffrey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Following the end of <i>To Us the World is Different,</i> Neal struggles with regret and hope and finds himself thinking about his family's future.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Here's the sequel to _To Us the World is Different._ I've been really looking forward to starting this up, so I hope you enjoy it as much as you did the first part.  
>  Title is a line from "Centuries" by Fall Out Boy, suggested by my sister.

Twelve hours after the shooting, Neal was still sitting on the edge of his seat in the waiting room. He was an absolute wreck earlier, so he’d sent Mozzie a text, asking him to pick up Nicky and text a few of their mutual friends about Peter. He could barely handle telling Mozzie about it. He didn’t think he could handle telling his and Peter’s friends. The moment he looked down at his clothes, he started hyperventilating. He’d gone with the ambulance straight from the scene once he flashed his badge and said they’re married. Because of this, he hadn’t had time to go home and change nor did he think he could force himself to do so.

Doubling over, he held his head in his hands and shut his eyes tightly. The smell of Peter’s blood on himself was intoxicating and he couldn’t make it go away. He wasn’t too sure that he wanted it to go away. He wanted the image of his husband bleeding out on the sidewalk to leave though. He’d held Peter against him while the ambulance was prepping to put him on a gurney.

In the absolute silence of the waiting room, he could hear the gunshot and see the face his husband made just before he collapsed. He was terrified by the thought that Peter might die. He’d taken a shot to the chest and Neal had no idea whether or not it’d hit anything major.

He was angry with himself because of the argument they’d had at home that kept them tense even as they arrived at work. He was going to apologize himself once Peter clutched his hand, but he never got the chance. He hadn’t even told Peter he loved him all that morning. If Peter died, he would die without hearing Neal swear he loved Peter.

The tears began to roll down his cheeks as the whole thing replayed over and over in his head. He’d started the fight with Peter over something so trivial. Peter forgetting to do the laundry shouldn’t have made that big of a fuss, but Neal was upset because he offered to do the dishes if Peter did the laundry. Peter ended up distracted by work and hadn’t done his chore, so Nicky wasn’t able to wear the outfit Neal thought would be just perfect for picture day.

Now he was able to look back and reflect on how ridiculous the whole thing was. He regretted not telling Peter he loved him at least once. He didn’t stop loving Peter because of the laundry, but he assumed he’d never have the chance to tell Peter he loves him and hear the same thing in return.

Neal was so convinced that his husband was going to die and that made him sob. He felt terrible. There were agents out there trying to find who’d taken a shot at Peter and he was sitting in a hospital waiting room alone just to hear them eventually tell him that they were sorry, but his husband was dead. “Sweetie,” Elizabeth breathed in a rush as she came through the door to find Neal in a very emotional state. She knelt in front of him, setting her purse down beside her and placed her hands on Neal’s thighs. “Oh, sweetie, you’re not alone,” she said reassuringly, wanting him to know he had her support. As soon as Mozzie told her, she rushed out of work and got to the hospital as quickly as she could. He rubbed his face and exhaled shakily, nodding as his eyes met Elizabeth’s. “Have you heard anything yet?” she asked gently.

“No. No one’s told me anything.” El nodded sympathetically. “I’m so scared. What if he’s already dead and has been since the ambulance?”

“He’s going to make it. You and I both know he’s too stubborn to die.” He forced a laugh and she rubbed his thighs slowly in the hopes of calming him. “Peter loves you too much to let a bullet separate you two.”

Neal stared at her, his bright blue eyes dulled. “They think it might’ve hit something serious. That’s all I heard in the ambulance. I don’t know anything and that’s what’s eating at me the most.” He ran his fingers through his hair, breathing heavily. “I don’t know if my husband is going to come home with me after making his recovery—if there is a recovery.”

Elizabeth frowned, looking at Neal’s clothes for the first time since arriving. “Sweetie, he’s not going to leave you. It would take an apocalypse to make that only slightly possible.” She thought it was a very light joke until Neal started crying again. She crawled up into the seat beside him and pulled him close. “He’s going to be okay, Neal. Peter won’t leave you.” She stroked his hair and let him cry it out. When he was quiet again, she gently nudged him. “We need to get you out of those clothes. Will you come downstairs with me?” She watched as his eyes drifted toward the doors he’d been waiting for someone to come through—with good or bad news, but hopefully _good_ news. “It might be a little while before a doctor comes out. You’re in a bloody shirt, sweetie.” He eventually nodded and they rose together. She held his hand as she took him down to a shop and bought him a new, generic shirt. She let him pick it out because it seemed to make him feel a little bit better.

He changed in the men’s room and they went back upstairs to the waiting room afterwards. He sat forward with his elbows on his knees, his fingers laced together underneath his chin. “Thank you for coming, El,” he whispered. “I…couldn’t ask Moz to come because he’s taking care of Nicky and I…can’t…” El hugged him, understanding completely, before he erupted into tears. “How do you tell your baby that his poppa’s dead?” he asked hysterically, gasping for breath.

She rubbed his back, burying her face in his neck. “Sweetheart, it’s okay,” she whispered against his neck. “Peter’s okay. You’ll see.”

Not even an hour later, a doctor finally came out. Neal’s head lifted out of his hands and El saw the hope in his eyes. “Family of Peter Burke?” Neal jumped up and was in front of the doctor within milliseconds. Elizabeth joined him, standing at his side. “Can I ask what your relations are to the patient?”

Neal firmly stated, “I’m Neal Burke, Peter’s husband.” Gesturing to El, he added, “And she’s a very close and dear friend to us both.” El looked up at Neal and saw challenge glinting in his eyes. He was daring the female doctor to make some kind of homophobic comment and El knew he was going to be hostile. She put her hand on his arm and he relaxed a little.

The doctor nodded. “Mister Burke,” she said softly. Neal’s heart wasn’t sure if it wanted to flutter or sink. He held his breath until she said, “Your husband is stable. We’re going to be transferring him to ICU shortly and then you should be able to see him.” Neal burst into tears of relief, beyond grateful to hear _those_ words. “The bullet was mere millimeters from his heart and he lost a lot of blood. Fortunately, he was stabilized and is on the mend. He’s a very lucky man.”

“Thank you,” he breathed, rubbing his eyes. He turned to El and hugged her tightly, whispering, “He’s alive,” into her hair.

“Told you, sweetheart,” she said softly. She squeezed him before letting go so she could look up at him. “Have faith in your hubby, dear.”

Neal was able to calm down a little once he got the good news. He texted Mozzie and Elizabeth texted Diana. Mozzie’s word would get around their circle of friends and Diana’s would circulate the bureau. They’d been shown to the ICU waiting room and he was eager to be given permission to enter the room to see his husband.

Another doctor came through the doors and knew right away that he was Peter’s family. She gestured for him to come over and he did. “He’s still unconscious, but would you like to see him?” Neal nodded without the slightest hint of hesitation. As Peter’s husband, Neal should be the first to visit. Elizabeth wanted him to get in there so he could completely relax and see for himself that Peter was alive. “This way, Mister Burke.” Neal, now that he was feeling better, felt a little thrill in being called _Mister Burke._ He loves his surname because, to him, it means he belongs to someone. He belongs to Peter and he made that very clear on numerous occasions by outright telling Peter that Peter owned him. If Peter owned him, Peter was _alive._

As soon as Neal was shown into the room, his heart fluttered. The doctor left him alone to give him space and he was grateful for that. He moved towards a chair and dragged it closer to the bed, plopping down into it at Peter’s bedside. He sighed heavily, blinking back tears as he reached over to take his husband’s hand. He laughed lightly to himself, whispering, “It’s so strange being on this side of the hospital bed.” He took Peter’s left hand in both of his and caressed it. “I’m so used to you being right here, waiting for me to wake up to your handsome face.” He gently squeezed Peter’s fingers, smiling softly at his unconscious husband. He felt ridiculous for talking to himself, but he made himself think he was talking to Peter and that Peter was slightly aware of his presence. “I’m not leaving your side, babe. I’m going to be _right here_ when you wake up.”

Neal stayed overnight after calling Nicky to tell him that his poppa was okay. Nicky was relieved, but he was worried about his daddy now and he expressed that directly to Neal. Neal reassured him that he was fine and that he was just staying until he was sure Peter was okay and conscious. He said good night to his son once Nicky finally believed that he wasn’t lying when he said he was fine. He’d fallen asleep not too long after that, slumped over Peter’s hospital bed, holding Peter’s hand. He only slept because he knew Peter was all right.

Around three-thirty in the morning, Peter was slowly coming into consciousness. When he came out of his daze, he flexed his fingers and wasn’t entirely surprised to feel someone else’s fingers. He caressed those fingers, knowing their owner worried sick about him. Without even opening his eyes, he knew Neal was right there. He felt Neal’s left hand and found his wedding ring. The older man smiled to himself before finally opening his eyes to see his husband’s sleeping form hunched over the bed.

He was glad Neal was there with him. It was his way of knowing he was alive and that this was reality. He vaguely remembered what happened, but he didn’t understand all of it. He remembered fighting with Neal, but he couldn’t remember about what. He remembered driving to the bureau, getting out of his car, and walking towards Neal to take his hand. And then everything was darkness after that.

Prying his hand away from Neal’s hands slowly, his lifted his hand to tangle his fingers in Neal’s hair. He slowly raked his fingers through the soft strands, admiring his husband. Neal shifted a little and smiled subconsciously. A few moments later, his eyelids began to flutter until they were barely open. He met Peter’s gaze and smiled sleepily at him. “Hey, baby,” Peter whispered.

“Hey, love,” Neal whispered back. He closed his eyes again and then they flew open and he stared up at Peter. “You’re awake.” Peter nodded and let Neal sit up, dropping his hand back to the mattress to rest on Neal’s. “How do you feel?”

Peter squeezed Neal’s fingers. “Sore and tired. Happy you’re here.”

Neal got up and leaned over to kiss Peter, whispering, “There’s nowhere else I’d rather be.”

“What about Nick?”

“Moz is babysitting. They both know you’re okay.”

Peter gave Neal an affectionate smile. “I love you for being here.”

Neal didn’t move his left hand away from Peter’s hand, but he lifted his right hand to stroke Peter’s hair back a bit. “You’re my husband,” he said softly. “I wouldn’t leave you.”

The two men relaxed together. Peter asked Neal to get on the hospital bed with him and he tried to lay down without hurting Peter, which he’d accidentally done once or twice. Once he’d finally laid down beside Peter, the older man couldn’t stop staring and smiling at him. “I love you.”

“And I love you,” Neal said, his voice shaking. Peter’s brows furrowed as he watched his husband’s expression shift from controlled and tired to tired and emotional. Peter didn’t get to ask him what was wrong before Neal answered. “I felt so terrible when I was waiting to hear about your condition. Peter, I had this horrible feeling that you weren’t going to make it and you didn’t get to hear me tell you I love you one last time. I can’t live with that—I need you to know I love you.”

He was trembling and Peter knew this was really hard for Neal and he understood because he’d been there. He’d been the one waiting to hear about Neal’s condition. After Neal’s suicide attempt nearly succeeded, Peter sobbed like never before. Losing Neal would have destroyed him and he figured that Neal would feel the same way if he lost him. “Hon, I know you love me. Even if you don’t say it, I know it.”

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered hoarsely. “I’m so sorry for fighting with you—and about the laundry of all things.” Peter shook his head, stroking Neal’s arm soothingly. “If I’d lost you, that would’ve been our last conversation. It wouldn’t have been sweet and _us._ It would’ve been me acting like an asshole over something so _stupid._ ”

“I can’t remember anything we said,” Peter whispered. Neal just stared at him, quiet. “I know we fought. I can’t remember why or what was said.”

Neal sighed and shifted onto his right side a little more comfortably. He rested his left hand on Peter’s stomach even though his shoulder screamed at him. “I’m sorry anyway. I could’ve lost you, Peter. I would never be able to live with myself for arguing with you before you…”

Peter nodded, understanding. “Well, I love you,” he whispered. “I’ll always love you. I don’t care what happens between us. Nothing you do or say and nothing anyone else does or says will make me _not_ love you.” He touched Neal’s hand, giving his husband a small smile. “I won’t leave you here alone,” he whispered.

“El said you wouldn’t,” Neal said quietly, laughing lightly. “She came to check up on me and stayed for a while. She…helped me and told me you’d make it.”

“I’m glad she was there for you,” Peter whispered. “I hoped you weren’t suffering alone.”

Neal sighed. “Diana and Jones are still trying to figure out who the gunman was and why they took a shot at you when they did,” he said quietly. “I didn’t have a chance to look for myself. By the time my shock wore off, you’d just fallen down. I tried to help you.” He looked lost and it made Peter’s heart ache. “I tried… Mouth to mouth wasn’t working and I was afraid to do compressions because your chest was bleeding. I’m sorry, Peter. I didn’t do anything helpful.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Peter said, shifting his hand up to touch Neal’s face. “Hon, obviously you did something to help. I’m here, aren’t I?” Neal frowned. “Hon, the CPR might’ve saved my life while the ambulance was en route.”

“I guess.”

“No. You know you saved me. _I_ know you saved me. Take credit for that.” Neal snuggled closer to Peter, making sure he was careful enough. He didn’t want to hurt Peter at all. “Thank you, honey, for being the first response.”

Neal leaned closer, kissing Peter. “You’re my husband. I couldn’t just walk away or _stand_ there.” Peter gave him a soft smile that touched his eyes. He was grateful to have this man in his life for so many reasons. “Superman doesn’t die,” he whispered.

Peter chuckled, bumping noses with Neal. “No. No, he doesn’t.” He pulled Neal over enough to have the younger man’s head resting on his shoulder. His left arm was wrapped around Neal’s torso. He rubbed Neal’s back until the younger man was asleep. When Neal was asleep, he himself was able to drift off with the feeling of safety, security, and love.

•◊•

“Honey, this is really unnecessary…”

“Um, shut up. Please.” Peter looked up at his husband as he was pushed around leisurely in a wheelchair throughout the floor they were on. “You always do so much for me,” Neal said quietly. “I owe you and this is the least I could do.”

Peter lifted his hand to reach behind him, touching Neal’s hand. “You don’t owe me anything, angel.” Neal groaned, shaking his head. He’d been carting Peter around the hospital in a wheelchair for almost a week during times where Peter wasn’t feeling up to actually walking and Peter really didn’t like feeling so useless. “How’s Nicky doing?”

“He misses you and has kept telling me repeatedly he wants you home as well as repeatedly asking me when you’ll come home. Because he hasn’t visited you yet due to the fact that you were slipping in and out of consciousness frequently, I’ll bring him here after I pick him up from school—assuming you’re okay with him being here.”

The older man smiled when Neal gently squeezed his hand. “He’s our son. I don’t have any issue with him being here.” He sighed. “I miss him, too, and I can’t wait to go home to be with you both. I keep dragging you away from being at home and taking care of Nicky. He’s—”

“He’s my boy and he understands that I’m extremely worried about you,” he interjected, leaning down enough to press a quick kiss atop his husband’s head. “Moz and El have been alternatively taking care of him when I’m not home. Nick slept with me the last few nights and said he didn’t want me to feel alone.”

“God. Neal, I love Nicky so damn much. He has such a beautiful heart and he’s so respectful.” He closed his eyes, knowing he was making Neal’s heart flutter because Neal always loved when his son was genuinely complimented. He knew Nicky worried about Neal and he loved their son all the more for keeping Neal close company while he’s been in the hospital. Neal needed someone to ground him at home and Nicky did that by offering as much support as he could. “You’ve done a fantastic job at raising him properly.”

Neal’s left hand slid over Peter’s shoulder. “I raised him the way I raised myself, essentially. If I wanted respect, I respected them. If I wanted a friend, I treated them as I’d treat a friend. Et cetera.”

“He’s the sweet boy of a beautiful man. There’s no room in either of you for cruelty.”

“Damn right,” Neal murmured. “Little brat isn’t going to be raised like _some_ people’s children. I seriously can’t stand how disrespectful some of these kids are nowadays. Nick’s never gotten into fights at school before fighting with Trent and I’m relieved that that was resolved and that the two of them are close. Nick’s a good kid.”

Peter nodded, agreeing with Neal totally. “Speaking of Trent, didn’t you tell me Nick’s hosting a sleepover tonight?”

“Yes, I did. He asked a couple of the boys at school if they wanted to spend the night with him to watch some movie that I have yet to discover the title and rating of.”

Peter chuckled and winked. “You’ll have a blast with the kids, daddy.”

Neal cringed. “Ew. No.” Peter laughed. “When you’re referring to me in front of him, that’s okay. Other than that, don’t be like those teenagers. I’m younger than you, so I can’t be your sugar daddy anyway.”

“I’m really glad there’s, what, three or four years between us?”

“Yep.”

Peter looked up at him again. “I can’t see us being like teenagers. If we ever went to some kind of dance together, I’m fairly certain I wouldn’t hump you in public.” Neal laughed that time. “I _might_ stand behind you with my arms around you, but I’m not about to grind into your ass like that.”

“That your gray hair talking? Because I know your dick wants to be all over me.”

“If you let me stand up, I’ll promptly give you a smack on the ass.” Neal grinned, stopping in a sitting area. He positioned Peter at an angle near the chair he was going to seat himself in. When Neal came around, Peter swatted his ass, eliciting a quiet yelp. Peter smirked up at him. “That’s for being a smartass—and mentioning gray hairs.”

Neal mock-glared at him. “You’re lucky _your_ ass is in a wheelchair.” He took a seat and sighed, relaxing into it. “I’m just glad you’re playful about it,” he said, chuckling. “I’d kill you if you hit me hard enough to make it hurt when I sat down. You do that enough with the hot sex.”

Peter burst into a fit of quiet laughter, reaching over to rest his hand atop Neal’s. “I’ll playfully swat your ass anytime, baby. You could win awards for that ass.” Neal gave him a wry smile and Peter sobered up a bit. “I haven’t asked in a while, but how’s the shoulder and ribs?”

“I’m doing fine, love,” Neal said softly. “No reason to worry about me at all.”

“What about the bruising on your back?”

“I can’t see behind myself,” Neal deadpanned. “And I don’t want Nick to see it if it’s still bruised or if there’s some lingering damage. We’ll have to wait until you’re home to find out.” Peter liked the sound of that. He knew that touching Neal’s bare back would set off flames in Neal’s body and the two of them wouldn’t be able to break away from each other. Even though his chest still hurt a little bit, he’d make love to Neal the moment Neal seemed like he wanted it.

“When _am_ I going home?”

Neal gave him a soft smile. “Your nurse told me you should be okay enough for a discharge by this evening. They want to make sure everything’s fine before doing that, but I know I’ll have you home for dinner tonight.”

Peter sighed heavily in relief. “I’m so tired of this shitty hospital food. I want to go home and eat something one of us cooked.” He lifted Neal’s hand and planted a soft kiss atop it. “More than that, I want to be home with you—in our bed. It’s hard to cuddle with you comfortably when the bed here barely supports both of us.”

“Well, typically, there’s only meant to be one patient on the beds at a time,” Neal said, chuckling. “I don’t think they anticipated an obsessive lover staying in the hospital bed with the patient.”

“They should,” Peter said a little petulantly. “I can’t get enough of you. I want to hold you close every waking moment, stroke your hair, caress your cheeks… I want to kiss you when you’re at the table doing work or making dinner or even doing the dishes.” Neal smiled at him, knowing Peter was homesick. “I don’t like the fact that you’re home and I’m here. It’s like living apart from you.”

Neal leaned closer to Peter, brushing his lips against Peter’s cheek. “I don’t like the feeling any more than you do, love. It doesn’t feel normal when you’re not home. I’m so used to you just being there.”

“Separation anxiety,” Peter muttered. “We’re having separation anxiety.” Neal laughed and Peter saw the way his eyes lit up. Neal was amused by the thought even though they both knew it was true. Neal didn’t say anything else. He just took both of Peter’s hands in his, holding them up so he could kiss Peter’s knuckles. Peter smiled, knowing there was no way he couldn’t have separation anxiety because of this man. Neal is everything to him. Losing Neal would end his world. He’d rather be anxious about separation rather than live with that separation permanently.

•◊•

“Poppa!”

Peter grinned as soon as the boy crashed against him. He gasped quietly in a slight amount of pain, but he didn’t care that much. He loved that Nicky was so excited to see him. “Hey, you,” he said, stroking Nicky’s hair. “I missed you, buddy.”

Nicky closed his eyes and smiled, hugging Peter. Neal came in with Peter’s bag and smiled at the sight before him. Peter noticed. He was always happy when Neal was and Neal was always happy when he was with his family. “I missed you, too,” Nicky whispered. He opened his eyes and looked up at Peter. “You’re doing okay?”

“Yes,” he said softly. “I’m even better now that I’m home with you.” Nicky giggled and backed up. “Poppa, I didn’t have time to get something to take to you in the hospital earlier because daddy took me right from school, but stay here. I have something for you.”

The little boy darted off towards his room and Peter glanced at Neal in question. “You’ll love it,” Neal whispered, walking past him to get Peter’s things unpacked and put away. Peter’s clothes were immediately put into the hamper so they could get washed and he’d take the toothpaste and toothbrush back into the bathroom later. He set pictures of himself and Nicky back on the nightstand on Peter’s side of the bed and put a couple of Peter’s books into the drawers where he’d gotten them at Peter’s request.

Nicky came back a few moments later, holding something in his hands. Peter noted that he looked extremely nervous, but Neal seemed to like whatever it was. Nicky held a folded paper up for Peter and Peter took it, his heart warming at the picture that was drawn on the front. It was hand drawn by Nicky of the three of them. Granted, it wasn’t on Neal’s skill level, but it still touched Peter nonetheless. It looked like Neal was hugging Peter while Peter held Nicky’s hand and they all looked really happy.

He opened it up and his lips parted as he read the little note Nicky wrote inside. ‘ _I miss you, poppa. I can’t wait for you to come home and keep daddy safe and warm. I can’t wait for you to come home so we can watch games on TV together. I want to hug and kiss you when you come home. Please feel better soon, poppa. Daddy and I need you home because we love you. Love, your little buddy Nicky._ ’

“Oh, kiddo,” he whispered, looking up from the paper. Nicky still looked visibly nervous. He closed the paper and knelt in front of the boy, pulling him into a hug. “That means a lot to me, Nick. You’re such a sweet kid,” he murmured, kissing Nicky’s hair. “Thank you so much.”

Nicky was excited to see that Peter liked it. Neal told him a couple days ago that Peter would love it, but he wasn’t so sure. He squeezed Peter, giggling quietly. “I’m glad you’re home,” he said, stepping back to put his hands on Peter’s shoulders. He leaned forward and kissed Peter’s forehead, nose, and then his lips. Peter chuckled, reaching up to brush Nicky’s unruly hair back.

“Thank you,” he whispered. When he rose to his feet, he couldn’t help opening the card up to look at Nicky’s handwriting. It was really sweet and very touching. “This is going in a very special spot,” Peter promised him. Nicky grinned and glanced in Neal’s direction. Neal was sitting on the bed, watching them quietly.

“I’m gonna go get ready for my friends to come over. Go talk to daddy,” Nicky said quietly, giggling to himself. Peter smirked at him, ruffling his hair a bit. Nicky darted off to go clean his room a bit and Peter turned to face his husband.

“That was the single most beautiful thing I think I’ve ever seen him do for you,” Neal whispered. Peter circled the bed to get onto his side. He propped the card up on his nightstand and made sure it wouldn’t fall over before getting onto the bed to lay on his back. Neal rolled onto his side, facing his husband. He put his hand on Peter’s stomach and smiled affectionately. “Peter, you’re the best thing that’s happened to _both_ of us. He loves you and trusts you, which is what I wanted when I was in any relationship.”

Peter put his hand atop Neal’s, nodding slowly. “I’m lucky to have earned your trust and even luckier to have earned it from both of you. I love you both more than anything and I’d do anything for both of you.”

Neal was so happy as he stared at his husband and Peter was overwhelmed by his happiness. He really treasured moments where Neal was this happy because he loved to see a man who’s been hurt so much in his lifetime come out with a smile on his beautiful face. “I hope you know you’re stuck with us forever,” Neal murmured, pushing himself up a bit to kiss Peter’s lips.

The older man cradled the back of Neal’s head when Neal pulled away slowly. They just stared at each other in silence for a few moments. “To live with two wonderful people for the rest of my life is a blessing,” he whispered. “There’s nothing I want more than to be your husband and his second father.” Neal kissed him again, longer this time. It was his way of thanking Peter without saying it aloud. Peter’s other hand came to rest on Neal’s neck. They kissed lazily, their tongues slowly dancing together.

When they parted for breath, neither of them needed words to express their feelings. Their flushed faces were enough. Neal bowed his head, touching his forehead to Peter’s, closing his eyes. He truly couldn’t imagine life without Peter. His son was loved by Peter just as Neal loved Nicky. Neal’s relationship with Peter wasn’t the only thing Neal based their future on. It always came down to whether or not he could trust the other person with Nicky. Realizing Nicky would be okay around him was just the start. He needed to be sure Peter wouldn’t take advantage of Nicky and he knew now that Peter would _never_ do that to anyone.

He felt bad for Peter and Elizabeth because they hadn’t been able to have a baby. Peter seemed like he’d step into fatherhood without much of a challenge. He’d been there for Nicky when Neal couldn’t and Neal loved Peter more. He loved that he could trust Peter to take care of Nicky, that he could think about and watch them both without having an anxiety attack. Just the thought of some other man living with him, being around his son, was frightening before he met Peter. Now, it didn’t seem all that bad and he was really, _really_ thankful to have found such a wonderful man to bind his and his son’s life to.

Even though Neal knew nothing was perfect, he always claimed Peter was too perfect for him. In all honesty, he knew this—watching Nicky and Peter act so much like family—was perfection. This was all he’d ever wanted for his son. He knew Peter would always love them both and he knew Peter would love them both as well as an additional child they were planning to adopt someday. He was able to think about expanding his family because of Peter, because he trusted Peter, and he couldn’t wait to see where their marriage took them in their many years to come.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After two years, the pain of his past still haunts Neal.

**_Two years later._ **

“Honey, did you move the box of dryer sheets?”

“It’s in the cabinet, top shelf on the right, love,” Neal called from the downstairs. 

Peter looked at where Neal said the box was and found it. “Got it! Thanks, baby.”

Neal smiled to himself as he sat on their soft and comfortable couch as he folded clothes that he’d taken out of the dryer so Peter could switch the load over and toss a new one in. They bought a house together six months ago and it was perfect. Nicky had his own room, both men had a room with a door, and there was plenty of space for a few more kids or guestrooms. They had an attic and a basement to use for whatever they wanted and that thrilled Neal to no end because he and Peter created a game room in the basement for Nicky and his friends.

Neal always wanted a game room when he was little, so Peter asked him to design it beforehand and said they’d work on it together and they had. It only took them about two weeks to fix up the walls, paint them, and buy enough rug to cover the length of the basement. They bought another television to put down there and Nicky asked for a few more games. By the time it was finished, Neal was excited and very happy with the results.

Peter went downstairs to join his husband, smiling at the younger man. Neal glanced at him and returned the smile. “Hey, handsome.”

“Hey, beautiful.” He walked over to Neal and plopped down onto the couch beside him, taking clothes out of the basket to help Neal fold. He leaned over and kissed Neal’s cheek, chuckling as he pulled away. “Somebody needs a shave,” he teased.

Neal gave him a wry smile, tossing a shirt at him. “Somebody needs to stop leaving the razor in various places if he wants me to shave.” Peter laughed lightly, gently gripping Neal’s jaw to bring him closer for an actual kiss. “I’m thinking I might end up buying myself a new one so you can keep using the other one.”

“Don’t like sharing the razor with me?”

“It’s never there when I need it,” Neal said, laughing. His eyes lit up as he poked Peter’s arm. Peter rolled his eyes and bumped his arm against Neal’s. “Oh, don’t you start, mister.”

Peter grinned, bumping Neal’s arm again. They were alone at the moment and he knew he was testing Neal’s patience. Since moving in, Neal’s been extremely into sex and it surprised Peter. Any time they could get alone, they took the opportunity. Neal liked not having to worry about Nicky or Nicky’s friends seeing them and nobody could walk in on them since they weren’t within view of anyone walking through the doorway. They had a door blocking anyone’s entrance—with a perfectly good lock that Neal put in himself. “Neal Burke,” he murmured, pecking his husband’s lips. “Will you join me in the bedroom?”

Neal’s eyes flashed and Peter saw the excitement there. He jumped up from the couch just as Nicky came downstairs. “Oh, hey, kiddo,” Neal said softly.

“Hi.” Neal’s brows furrowed. He’d noticed that Nicky wasn’t acting much like himself anymore since turning thirteen and it was bothering him because Nicky wouldn’t talk to either of them. “Dad, can I talk to you?”

Neal glanced at Peter before answering. “Of course, Nicky.” Peter got up from the couch and made to leave the room, but he noticed the little cringe Nicky made. As soon as Peter got up, Neal cleared off the couch, putting the clothes he’d folded into a neat pile in the basket. He put whatever wasn’t folded off to the side to finish at some point. He sat down and looked up at his son. “What’s up?”

Nicky was quiet for a few moments. Neal waited patiently, smiling softly at his son. He wanted Nicky to feel comfortable talking to him, so he really encouraged it when Nicky tried or asked. “Can you stop treating me like a kid?” Neal looked a bit surprised by the question, so Nicky elaborated. “You embarrass me in front of my friends, dad. I don’t want you to walk me to school and kiss me goodbye anymore.”

Peter overheard the conversation and knew Neal was hurting without even seeing him. He himself was devastated by the comment Nicky made. Neal is his husband and he loves his husband beyond words, so he’d protect Neal, even if it was from their own son. Neal stared at his son sadly. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize I was embarrassing you,” he whispered. He knew there’d be a day where Nicky wouldn’t want to walk with him or be kissed goodbye before he went to work with Peter, but he didn’t realize that day was _today._ He loved his son and wanted to show him that without words, but Nicky didn’t want that anymore and he forced himself to understand. He wasn’t sure how he would’ve felt when he was Nicky’s age because neither of his parents cared about him enough to even consider showing him some kind of affection.

“I’m thirteen, dad. I don’t need to be coddled like a baby anymore.” Neal was quiet and Nicky continued. “You don’t have to act so worried all the time either. Just because you got raped when you were thirteen doesn’t mean the same thing is going to happen to me.” Neal’s entire expression changed as he gasped quietly. That _hurt_ more than he physically expressed. He couldn’t even look at his son now.

“Don’t you _dare_ talk to your father like that,” Peter growled, coming back into the room. Nicky startled a bit, turning to face Peter. “I understand feeling like you need to be independent, but you have no right to talk to your father like that after all that he’s done for you.”

“Peter, it’s—”

“He’s been worried about you for a while and he’s been trying to figure out what was going on so he could try to help you. He loves you more than life itself and that’s how you treat him? Nicolas James Burke, I do _not_ want to hear you _ever_ say that to your father again.” Nicky was quiet, looking at the floor. He didn’t realize Peter was listening. He just wanted Neal to back off a bit because his friends’ dads weren’t always looking over their shoulders. Their fathers gave them a lot more freedom and Nicky was jealous. In reality, he had it really good in comparison to their lives. Their parents didn’t care enough to make sure the kids weren’t getting into trouble. Neal would rather be overly worried than not worry at all. “Go to your room and think about what you said,” Peter said gently. He wasn’t overly angry with Nicky, but he was upset with him.

Nicky nodded and sulked up the stairs, shutting his bedroom door once he was in his room. “Peter, it’s okay. He—”

“No. That was _not_ okay. Neal, I love him as much as you do, but I’m not going to stand idly and let him talk to you that way.” He kept his distance from Neal, watching his husband’s face. He knew Neal was crying because Neal wouldn’t look at him. “Honey, don’t let him disrespect you like that. Bringing your past up in that way was uncalled for and I’m sure he knows that it hurt you.”

Neal shook his head, rubbing his eyes. “It’s fine. He doesn’t know any better. It’s not like he knows how insane I was or how shitty I always felt about myself.”

Peter crossed the room and knelt in front of Neal, wiping his husband’s eyes for him. “I don’t give a damn if he knows how you felt through all of it. He should know enough to realize how much that hurts you. He’s thirteen. He knows what everything means now, so there’s no reason to discuss your past in such a cruel way—especially if he’s talking about it the way he did.”

“I’ll get over it. It doesn’t bother me all that much anymore, but still. I don’t need it shoved in my face,” Neal whispered. “I don’t know what’s gotten into him. He’s never acted like _that_ before. He never used my past against me.”

Neal sniffled a bit and Peter reached up to stroke Neal’s hair. “I love you and I’m not going to let him do that to you. He’s your son, but he has no right to treat you like that because you’re protective of him.”

“He doesn’t understand,” Neal said quietly. “I can’t make him understand and I hope I never have to make him understand. It’s something I don’t want him to experience or have nightmares about.”

Peter sighed heavily, pulling Neal close for a gentle hug. “There’s no reason for him to use your past against you,” he whispered against Neal’s neck. “All you’ve ever done was love and protect him.”

“Maybe a little too much,” Neal murmured. “He’s a teenager now. I should’ve—”

“No. You’re the father here, Neal. I know you hate being hard on him, but you need to put your foot down at some point. I refuse to let him walk all over you and purposely hurt you.” He kissed Neal’s neck, rubbing his back. “He’s only thirteen. We’re going to have to work through this with him. I won’t let him go through his teenage years resenting you for essentially giving your life up for him.”

•◊•

Nicky came downstairs after Neal yelled up to let him know it was time for dinner a little while later. He and Peter were dishing everything out together and Nicky felt terrible. He knew he hurt his dad, but that wasn’t all that he’d done wrong. He hurt his father and made his poppa mad. Neal came out of their kitchen and set Nicky’s plate down in front of Nicky’s seat without saying a word. He wasn’t going to ignore Nicky, but he really didn’t want Nicky and Peter to get into something over him. “Dad.” Neal paused and looked at him, seeing his son’s sad expression. “I’m really sorry about what I said.”

Peter came through the doorway then and Nicky bit his lip. Peter didn’t say anything. He took his and Neal’s plates and set them on the table in their spots. “It’s all right,” Neal said, watching Peter warily.

“It’s not,” Nicky said quietly. “I was really mean to you for no reason. I’m sorry, dad.” Neal nodded and was about to sit down, but Nicky darted over to him and hugged him tightly, burying his face in Neal’s chest with his eyes closed. “I’m sorry, daddy,” he whispered.

Neal held his son, rubbing his back. “It’s okay, Nick. I forgive you.”

Nicky opened his eyes, but still held onto his father. “Is poppa still mad?” he asked quietly enough so that Neal heard him.

“No,” Neal said softly.

He backed away from Neal and turned to look at Peter. “I’m sorry, poppa.” Peter nodded, glancing at Neal. Nicky knew they were having some kind of silent discussion. They could do that with their eyes and Nicky thought that was because the two had been together for a little over four years.

“If dad forgives you, I don’t see any reason to be upset,” he said quietly, sitting down. He looked up at Neal before Neal took his own seat. Nicky sat down as well, glancing between his father and poppa occasionally to see if he could figure out what they were thinking about without having to ask. Neal and Peter kept sharing glances until Peter finally said whatever he’d wanted to say before sitting silently. “Your father loves you more than anything. He’d give his life for you and you know he almost did before. He doesn’t deserve to be treated like _he_ did something _wrong._ ”

Nicky nodded slowly. “I know, poppa. I know he didn’t do anything wrong.” Neal’s gaze was downcast and he wasn’t eating his dinner. Nicky noticed and reached over to touch his father’s hand. “Dad, are you okay?”

Peter glanced at Neal, concerned. “Yeah, I’m all right. Just thinking.”

Nicky squeezed his father’s hand and waited until Neal looked at hm. “Dad?”

“Can I have a minute to myself?” he asked, glancing at Peter. Peter nodded despite the ache in his chest. He watched Neal push his chair back and get up. When Neal left the room, Peter frowned.

“Did I make him leave?” Nicky asked sadly.

“I don’t think so.” Nicky gave him a confused look. “He’s got a lot of things on his mind right now. He’ll be okay.” Peter met Nicky’s eyes. “You, however, should possibly be grounded for speaking to your father the way you did earlier. I know you were planning on going to the movies with Trent and his step-dad. I’m not sure if you should go now.”

Nicky swallowed hard. “How bad did I hurt him?” Peter didn’t answer. “Did I make him cry?” Again, Peter didn’t answer. He just sighed and rubbed his forehead. “Poppa, I’m sorry. I feel really bad.”

“Just don’t talk about the rapes like that to him ever again,” Peter whispered. “He’s been fine for a little while now. I don’t want him to relapse because of a comment _you_ made, Nick. He really doesn’t need that from _you._ You’re his son.”

“Poppa, I know this might be a dumb question, but why does it still bother him?”

Peter gave him a leveled look, inhaling sharply before exhaling heavily. “His body was tortured both times. That was a lot of pain for him to go through—both times. He was scared and vulnerable and forced to endure it against his will.” Nicky’s eyes watered and he looked away from Peter. “He suffered physically, but he suffered emotionally as well. The emotional suffering is what’s still affecting him. He falls back into those moments where he had no control over his life.” He reached over to rub Nicky’s arm. “Your father… He went through a lot, Nick. I don’t know how much more I can or should tell you because it isn’t my story to tell. If he doesn’t want to divulge it all, I respect that.”

“Will he ever feel better?”

“He’s been feeling better,” Peter whispered, “but he’ll never forget that those things happened to him. He has to live with that pain for the rest of his life, so… Please, Nick, help him. Don’t hurt him.” He took Nicky’s hand, holding it gently. “We’re his family and he needs us.”

Neal came back a few minutes after that. Peter looked up at him as Neal messed with Nicky’s hair before sitting back in his seat. Peter gave his husband a concerned look, waiting for some kind of explanation—silent or aloud. When Neal looked at him, he knew Neal just needed a few minutes to get things out of his system. His face and eyes were red, so he’d been crying.

Nicky looked at his father and realized Neal was forcing a smile as he glanced at Peter. “Daddy,” Nicky said quietly. Neal turned his attention towards his son. “Are you okay? Don’t lie to me.”

Neal gave him a soft, genuine smile. “I’m all right, Nick. I just needed a few minutes.” He took his son’s other hand and squeezed it before letting it go so he could eat. Once he began to eat, the other two joined him. The conversation at the table was light. Peter was talking about taking Nicky out to play some baseball or football sometime soon if he was interested. Nicky was extremely excited by that, especially since he’d hurt Neal. If Peter was asking to play with him, then things were okay. “That sounds like fun,” Neal said, chuckling.

“We could pretty much play anything, babe,” he said to Neal. “I know you don’t like baseball. Whether or not you want to play football, I don’t know, but I know you’re into playing soccer.”

“It’s been a while since I did any kind of sport though. We all played together forever ago.”

Once dinner was finished, Nicky offered to help Neal do the dishes while Peter gave their son a small smile and went to do the laundry again. Neal hand-washed some of the bigger dishes while Nicky unloaded the dishwasher. The teenager glanced at his father, noticing the slight frown on his face. There was something really bothering him and Nicky wanted to know what he could do to help. When Neal dropped a plate and gripped his head, panting, Nicky’s eyes widened. The plate he dropped shattered on the floor. “Dad, what is it?” He rushed over to his father, hugging him tightly. “Dad?” Neal’s eyes were shut tightly and he looked like he was in pain. Nicky didn’t understand what was going on, but he hoped Peter might. “Poppa!” he cried out desperately.

In a matter of moments, Peter was bounding down the stairs thinking something was wrong because of the way Nicky yelled for him. As soon as he got into the kitchen, Neal was collapsing to his knees with Nicky barely managing to keep him from hitting the sink and cupboard on the way down. “Neal!” Peter helped Nicky ease Neal down to the floor, avoiding the broken plate, and began stroking Neal’s hair. “Baby, I’m here. You’re okay. Everything’s okay.” He held Neal against him, shifting him to support him fully while Nicky stayed close.

Neal whimpered quietly and Nicky looked at Peter helplessly. “Poppa, what’s going on?”

Peter rocked Neal gently, whispering, “I think he’s having a flashback—or something similar.” Nicky took his father’s right hand in both of his. Neal wrenched his hand away, then his hands flew up to cover his face and Peter’s lips parted. “Honey, it’s okay,” he said quietly. “I’ve got you. Peter’s got you.” He glanced at Nicky and added, “Nicky’s here, too. Everyone’s okay—you’re okay.”

“Did I do this to him?” Nicky asked, horrified.

“Did you say anything to him?”

“No. We were just doing the dishes.”

Peter’s brows furrowed and he watched his husband, waiting for something to indicate what the problem was. Neal was gasping and sobbing simultaneously, sounding hysteric. “Jesus.” Peter tried to gently pry Neal’s hands away from his face so he wouldn’t harm himself as he’d done before. “Neal, listen to me,” he said softly. “Nicky and I are here for you. You’re safe.”

A few moments after Peter spoke to him, Neal’s right hand flew out and frantically tried to grab something—or someone. “Nicky,” he gasped loudly.

Nicky immediately took his father’s hand. “I’m here, daddy. I’m with poppa.”

Neal seemed like he was beginning to relax, but the two stayed in their positions. Peter held him close and Nicky didn’t let go of his hand. When all that was left was a shaking, sniffling Neal, Peter’s shoulders and back relaxed exponentially. Neal slowly opened his eyes and looked up at his husband, squeezing his son’s hand. “Hey, beautiful,” Peter said softly. Neal didn’t respond. He just stared at Peter silently and then his gaze shifted to his son—his _terrified_ son.

His breath hitched when he realized he’d just had one of his flashbacks in front of Nicky. He couldn’t ever remember having a full-blown episode like that in front of his son, so he let go of Nicky and scrambled to get away from Peter. Peter tried to reach for him, but Neal ran. He was up the stairs in a matter of moments and then a door slammed. Nicky stared at his poppa. “What just happened?” he whispered.

“I don’t know.” He got up and glanced at his son. “Stay here. I’ll…see if I can figure out what’s going on.”

“Will you tell me when you find out?”

Peter hesitated. “If dad’s okay with me telling you, then yes.” Nicky nodded and let Peter head upstairs to see Neal. He waited patiently to hear back from either one or both of them because he was overly concerned about his father now. He hadn’t meant to hurt him this badly at all and now he felt terrible. He knew Peter did everything he could to get Neal to the point where he could live an almost normal life and he realized he’d thrown all of Peter’s work over the last four years away in a matter of a few short hours.

The door flew open upstairs and he could hear loud voices, but he couldn’t understand what was being said. He stepped out of the dining area and stood at the bottom of the stairway. “Just go away, Peter. I don’t want either of you to see me right now.”

“Neal, we both love you. Don’t shut yourself away,” Peter pleaded. “You know we aren’t judging you. We—”

“I’m judging myself!” Neal cried exasperatedly. “I can’t stand myself sometimes. Do you know how it felt to look into his eyes and see _terror?_ No, Peter, you don’t.” Peter was trying to ask him to calm down, but Neal only got louder. “I’m a God damn lunatic, Peter! I have never understood why you stayed. I have so many problems that you work too damn hard to fix and you always wind up with no progress whatsoever because I’m a fucking failure.”

“Don’t talk about yourself like that,” Peter said sadly. Nicky bit his lips, listening to his fathers argue. It’d been a while since they sounded this angry with each other. “Neal, he’s as worried about you as—”

“He’s _thirteen!_ He shouldn’t _have_ to worry about me!”

Nicky’s eyes watered and he darted up the stairs as Neal’s voice became distant, which meant he was in his bedroom now. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Peter cried out.

“He has you to keep him safe and love him. I can’t do this to you two anymore. I can’t try to live a normal life because I can’t have a normal life.” Nicky crept through the hallway silently, peering into his parents’ room. Neal was throwing a bunch of his clothes into a suitcase that Peter grabbed and tossed to the floor. “Stop resisting, Peter!”

“Stop trying to leave!” Peter gripped Neal’s shoulders and stared at his face. “Dear God, Neal, we’ve been together for four years and you _still_ think I don’t love you.” Neal shoved Peter away and tried to collect the clothes Peter threw on the floor. “If you think I’m letting you leave this house alone in an emotional state like this, you’re insane. You know damn well that Nick and I love you. Neither of us resent you or judge you for what just happened downstairs.”

Neal shook his head and threw something Nicky couldn’t see at Peter. “Stop loving me, damn it! You and Nick deserve better!”

Nicky dashed into the room and yelled, “I want _you!_ ” Neal and Peter both startled, looking at their son. Peter was standing over Neal, trembling, and Neal was on his knees surrounded by his clothing. “Daddy, if you leave me, I’ll never forgive you.” Neal’s lips parted as Nicky gave him such a hardened glare. It was in that moment that he realized Neal’s wedding ring was lying at Peter’s feet. “Put that ring back on, dad. If you don’t, then I hate you.” Neal’s eyes widened and even Peter looked surprised. “If you abandon us, then you hate us, and that gives me the right to hate you back.”

Neal blinked rapidly, swallowing hard as he stared at his son. He glanced at Peter’s feet, finding the ring there. Slowly, he crawled towards it and took it in his hand. He sat back and slid it back onto his ring finger, closing his eyes while cradling his left hand. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. When he opened his eyes, tears were streaming down his cheeks. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I love you both and I’m so sorry.”

Peter watched as Nicky moved closer to Neal. Nicky got on his knees and leaned against his father, wrapping his arms around his torso. “Don’t leave us,” he begged.

Neal rested his chin atop his son’s head and breathed shakily. “I won’t. I promise I won’t.” The three of them cleaned up the bedroom together before sitting down on the large bed in the center of the room. Neal was hunched over, holding his head in one hand. Peter sat near the headboard, facing Neal, and Nicky was sitting right beside Neal. “I think we need to talk about this,” Neal whispered, his gaze flickering between his son and husband. Peter leaned forward and rested his hand on Neal’s thigh. “Nick, you did nothing wrong, okay? Don’t blame yourself.”

“What happened, daddy?”

Neal debated on telling the truth to his thirteen year old, but he figured Nicky deserved some kind of explanation for his actions. “I…had a flashback,” he whispered, keeping his gaze locked onto his son. “It came on very suddenly and I lost control. It all felt so real and I…I lost my hold on reality.” Nicky nodded, remaining silent. “This hasn’t happened since…since before poppa and I got married. I mean, I had a couple nightmares here and there, but they weren’t nearly as bad as what you saw.”

“It was…about those guys?” Neal nodded slowly. “Dad, that _is_ my fault.”

“No,” Neal said firmly. “It’s… Nick, when you were really little, you were too young to understand that I was living in my own little version of hell. It was nothing you did, I promise.” He reached out to stroke Nicky’s cheek with the back of his hand. “Vincent… He took away my innocence when I was your age. I am overprotective of you and I’m sorry if you resent me for that.” Nicky frowned at him. He hadn’t meant to make his father think he resented him in any way. He still loves Neal and he always will. “I’ve been having nightmares since your birthday about Vincent breaking out.” He briefly shifted his gaze towards his husband, knowing Peter wouldn’t be very surprised despite the fact that he hadn’t opened up to Peter in almost six months about this. “When we were in the kitchen, I…felt like I was being suffocated. I felt like Vincent was in our house and I thought he was hurting you.”

Nicky held his father’s hand against his face, staring directly at him. “Daddy, I’m sorry…”

Neal gave him a sad smile. “I live in a world in between nightmares and reality. Poppa’s helped me through a lot of things, but I’m still messed up.”

“Neal—”

“Listen,” he pleaded, looking at his husband. Peter nodded, letting him continue. “Ever since you were born, I had this feeling that history was going to repeat itself. Fortunately, the only history that repeated itself was my rape—not yours like I feared it would be.” He rubbed his thumb over his son’s cheeks when tears slid down Nicky’s face. “I thought Vincent was going to do more than just beat you when he kidnapped you. I thought he was going to do to you what he did to me. I’m glad I was raped a second time if it prevented you from ever having to experience that. I’d give myself to him if it saved you.” He met Peter’s eyes, nodding slowly. “Vincent and Craig.”

“That’s not fair,” Nicky said, his voice thick. “Daddy, that’s not fair.”

Neal nodded slowly. “I never want you or poppa to know what it feels like to be powerless and vulnerable. I never want your bodies to hurt or your minds to deteriorate every time you have the slightest inkling of a thought about what happened.” He glanced at Peter again. “I did it for you,” he whispered. “I’d do it again and again if it meant I could protect you—either of you.”

Nicky took his father’s hand away from his face and held it tightly in both of his. “I don’t want anyone else to do that to you,” he whispered. “Dad, you never deserved that.”

“I know that now,” Neal said quietly. “Poppa taught me that over time.” He sat up straighter and took Peter’s hand in his free hand. “Poppa loves me enough to stay with me. He was the first person I told about Vincent. Uncle Mozzie didn’t even know about it until much later.” Peter was watching Neal’s face, seeing the haunted look in his eyes. “Poppa changed my life, Nick, and I’m not trying to say you did nothing for me. You’re my son and I love you with all of my heart. I’d give my life for you.” Nicky looked down at Neal’s hand, nodding. “This is something I’m going to live with for the rest of my life. I can try to shove it away as long as I can and I did really well for about two years, but that pain and fear won’t go away, Nick. I’m sorry that you have to watch me act the way I did. I’m sorry that you have to hear me threaten to leave you and poppa.”

Nicky let go of Neal’s hand and threw himself against Neal’s chest, closing his eyes to cry silently into Neal’s shirt. “I love you, dad. I know you’re hurting and I won’t hate you for it. I don’t understand why you got hurt, but I know you need me and poppa—or at least poppa. You—”

“Don’t you dare say I don’t need you,” Neal whispered fiercely. “You are the light of my life, Nicolas James. You’re my baby boy. I don’t give a damn how old you are. You’re always going to be my baby boy. You’re the biggest part of me—and I refuse to let that part of me slip away. I _need_ you, baby.” He let go of Peter’s hand without being resisted and pulled Nicky closer, holding him in his lap. “You could be in your fifties or sixties and I’d still call you my baby boy. You’re my everything.”

The teenager nodded, looking at Peter while Neal held him. “I’m glad you met poppa though. I know you love me, dad. I never thought you didn’t love me.” Neal’s arms wrapped around him protectively. “You needed poppa to love you. You’re a loving guy and I knew you couldn’t just give me all of your love. It needed to be spread out a little.”

Neal laughed quietly. “I love you both equally. You’re my son and poppa’s my husband. I can’t lose either of you without it destroying me entirely.”

“Would you ever leave me and poppa?”

“No,” Neal replied hastily. “Never. I don’t think I could bear being away from either of you.”

A little while later, Neal ended up carrying his son back to his room. They’d relaxed together after finishing their conversation and Nicky fell asleep against him. He’d been lying between his fathers and he curled up against Neal, feeling as safe and secure as he felt since he was a baby. He always felt so connected to his father and he could’ve ruined that if he hadn’t apologized to Neal. He didn’t really want Neal to back off. He wanted his dad to love him, but his friends’ parents didn’t give them the same kind of love Neal gave Nicky. Neal loved playing with Nicky, taking him places, buying him things. He put Nicky first and Nicky realized that. When he’d been in his room earlier in the evening, he thought about all the times Neal struggled to pay for things he wanted. Nicky knew he’d been overbearing, but that was the age. He wanted every toy he saw because it looked awesome and Neal had a hard time telling Nicky that he couldn’t have said toy. If he could, he’d buy it, even if he’d gone to the store for something he himself needed.

Nicky couldn’t hate his father—ever. He knew Neal wasn’t making enough money early on and that made it so much harder on him because he didn’t want to disappoint Nicky. Nicky reflected on all the times when he’d asked Neal for something, only to have Neal bite his lip and look at his wallet before saying he’d buy it. Nicky couldn’t remember one instance where Neal flat-out said no to him. His friends’ parents didn’t even bother to buy them toys most of the time. If Nicky wanted something, Neal bought it.

Resenting Neal for loving him that much was ridiculous. He knew his dad didn’t have a good father in his life, so it meant a lot for Neal to take him in even though he never heard a word about the pregnancy until the day Nicky was born. Neal didn’t abandon Nicky when he’d been working through his alcoholism. He sacrificed paychecks and debts he owed in order to keep Nicky happy and, since Nicky was old enough to understand that to some extent, he knew Neal was perfect. Neal took care of him, lost jobs because of him, had no money because of him, but he never _once_ told Nicky he couldn’t stand him. Trent’s father, Matthew Keller, threatened his son instead of spoiling him. Nicky felt bad for Trent and Trent was the one who made him see that Neal was a good father and that he was really taking Neal for granted.

As Neal pulled Nicky’s blanket back and set Nicky down onto the bed, the teenager woke up, clutching at his father’s hands as he pulled the blanket up and over Nicky’s shoulders. “Daddy,” he murmured. Neal sat down on the bed and put his hand behind his son, smiling softly at him. “I love you.”

“I love you, Nicky,” he whispered, leaning down to kiss his son’s forehead. He rubbed his son’s side before getting up to fix the blanket. “Get some sleep, baby.” Nicky smiled and closed his eyes, listening to his father leave the room as he slid the door nearly to a close.

“I love you, daddy,” he whispered to himself before falling asleep even though Neal wouldn’t hear him.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal spends time with his son, only to have his happiness shattered the following morning.

Neal was fine for the next few weeks following his flashback that his son witnessed. Peter noticed about a week and a half ago that Neal was getting too thin, so he made a comment about it and was making sure Neal was eating properly again. There hadn’t been any more flashbacks, but Peter wouldn’t let Neal stress himself to the point where he was as thin as a stick. He wanted his husband to have some substance rather than having the ability to feel Neal’s all too prominent ribs. Since Peter’s comment, Neal was doing very well. He’d put on a couple pounds and seemed like he was back to his normal weight, which Peter was relieved to see. Even though he and Neal were two men, he wasn’t interested in having a supermodel thin husband. That’s not the kind of man he is and he wouldn’t let Neal harm himself that way.

Friday morning, Neal woke up early to take a shower. While he was in there, Nicky knocked on his parents’ bedroom door. Peter woke up slowly, murmuring, “Hm?” Nicky came in hesitantly and Peter sat up, rubbing his eyes when he realized Nicky was there. “What’s up, Nick?”

Nicky sat on the big bed, crossing his legs. “Poppa, how’s daddy been?”

Peter gave him a small smile. “He’s doing fine, Nicky. He’s been all right, so don’t worry.”

“Would you tell me if he wasn’t okay?”

“You’d know if he wasn’t okay,” Peter said gently. “He’s happy and all right, kiddo.” Nicky nodded slowly, his eyes diverting from Peter’s own. “Is something else on your mind?”

The teenager frowned. “I want to do something nice for daddy. I don’t know what to do though.” Peter gave him a curious look. “You told me that I shouldn’t have treated him the way I did a few weeks ago after all that he’d done for me and I thought about everything he’s done. I owe him, poppa. He never disappointed me, but he was always out of money.” Peter remembered Neal mentioning that. Neal hated saying no to Nicky from the start. He didn’t want to be a hardass kind of father, but he didn’t want to be a pushover either, so he found a balance between the two. Even if he cracked, he still gave Nicky small or partial punishments. “He’s done a lot to keep me happy and I want to make him happy for a change.”

Peter smiled. “Just give him a hug and tell him you love him. That’s all he needs, Nick.” Nicky didn’t look happy with that answer and Peter understood. “He doesn’t want either of us to buy him things. He usually gets mad at me when I try to spend money on him, so that might not be the best route to take. Make him a card or something. It needs to come from you to be special.”

Nicky nodded. “Can you think of anything I can do that’s more special than a card?”

Peter chuckled. “Nick, this is from you. You are giving him something. Make it something he’ll treasure because he knows it’s from you—like the bracelet you made him that he still wears.” Nicky smiled a little at that. He never actually looked to see if Neal still wore that after two years. He’d have to look when Neal got out of the shower. “He’ll love anything you give him, so don’t worry about that.”

When Nicky finished talking to Peter, he went out into the hallway and nearly ran into his father. “Whoa,” he startled. “Morning, kiddo.” Nicky glanced at his father’s wrist and grinned when he saw the bracelet there. Obviously, Neal took it off before getting into the shower, but he always put it back on. Neal gave his son a curious look. “Everything okay?”

“You still have that,” he replied, nodding towards Neal’s wrist.

Neal glanced down and smiled a bit. “Of course I do,” he said. “It’s from my baby. It means a lot to me.” He ruffled Nicky’s hair before walking past him to get into his bedroom. Peter was thrilled to see him, smiling up at his wet self. “Hey, love,” he said quietly when Nicky came in after him.

Peter pulled his briefs on while he was still on the bed before sliding out of bed to walk over to Neal, kissing him fiercely while holding his hips. Neal moaned into the kiss for a moment before they mutually broke away. They needed to stop or they’d get carried away in front of their son. “Hello, my beautiful man.”

Nicky smiled at them. He really liked seeing them together like this. For all the times that they’ve argued, moments like this make up for at least half of them in Nicky’s mind. He hates when they argue, but they usually resolve it within a few hours of calming down.

Neal hummed as he went through his dresser to find something nice to wear. He was also trying to drag it out because he was going to mess around with Peter a little before work—or at least he’d been hoping he could. Peter bought him some more lingerie since their honeymoon and Neal liked wearing it for him. He always teased Peter with the idea of what he’d look like if they ended up in some hostage situation and his pants were somehow removed. Peter would just shake his head and tease him, telling him their captor would probably fuck him on the spot for looking so good in lingerie.

When Peter glanced over at Neal, he knew exactly what was going on. He grinned, amused, staring at Neal’s broad back. There was a long, hardly noticeable scar there from when he’d been beaten by Martins with a crowbar. Neal was never on his stomach when Peter made love with him, so Neal had no reason to feel self-conscious about it. It hurt Peter’s heart every time, but he was just glad his husband was still alive. He didn’t care about the scars and tried to convince Neal to forget about them. Neal conceded sometimes and let Peter have his way with him as he’d wanted initially without further thought about his scars.

“Daddy?” Neal turned and gave his son a questioning look. “Can… Can we take the day off from school and work?”

Neal raised an eyebrow, sharing a brief look with Peter before focusing on his son. “How come?”

Nicky shrugged. “I don’t want to go today. I’d like to spend time with you since we haven’t done much together in a while.” Neal gave him a small smile. “Can we?”

Peter would explain that things between Nicky and Neal were rough lately and Hughes would be fine with it. As long as he was able to come in if there was an emergency, he was fine with Neal taking a ‘stress day.’ “Go ahead,” Peter said gently, watching Neal. “I’ll talk to Reese.”

“Won’t that complicate reports and things I need to do?”

“I could bring them home for you if you want.”

Neal considered it for a moment. “All right. Thanks, love.” Peter smiled as Neal glanced at Nicky again. “Let me get dressed and then we’ll talk about what we’re going to do today.” Nicky nodded, thrilled that Neal was letting him spend time with him on a school day. “Go put some decent clothes on, baby. No pajamas outside.” Nicky giggled and darted out of the room, heading to his own to change. “He’s excited to spend a whole day with me?” Neal asked curiously, glancing at his husband again.

“You’re his daddy. He loves you, Neal. Don’t question it.” Neal rolled his eyes. “Hey, you’re pretty fun to be around when you’re not tired or irritated.”

“In other words, you hate when I’m cranky and bitchy,” Neal said, chuckling. “Shut the door.”

Peter closed the door and watched as Neal pulled out his lingerie and jeans. “You’ve been a little bit of both on _some_ occasions, but that’s usually my fault anyway.” He hungrily watched Neal as he flung the towel at the bed and started getting dressed. “God damn,” Peter whispered. Neal smirked, standing upright when he’d pulled the lingerie on. “If I didn’t have to go to work, I think I’d love you into the bedsprings.”

Neal grinned. “We do that during the night.” Peter walked over to Neal, tracing Neal’s hipbone lightly. “Mm. You can look, but you can’t touch. I’ve got a date with my son to uphold.”

Peter sighed. “Can I at least blow you before work?” Neal raised an eyebrow. “…Or you can blow me?”

“Nobody’s blowing anybody this morning,” Neal said, laughing. Peter loved how the laugh affected Neal’s beautiful eyes and smile. “I’ll blow you tonight if you don’t feel like being inside of me.”

“When has that ever prevented the latter from happening regardless?”

Neal shrugged. “I suppose you’re right. For a man your age, you recover pretty quickly.”

Peter’s brows went up to his hairline as he laughed. “A man _my_ age? You aren’t that far off forty yourself, buddy.” Neal grinned at him. “A man my age,” he muttered. “I’m going to kick your ass the day you turn forty.”

“Four years to go, my love,” he said, winking. Peter neared him and Neal jumped back, covering his ass. “No,” he whined. “I’m not gonna lie when I say I’m sore from last night’s rigorous fuck.”

Peter laughed at him. “Awe. Poor baby Neal.”

“If I wanted to, I could probably make _your_ ass hurt as much as mine does, _then_ I’ll smack you to see if _you_ like the feeling.”

“Oh, honey,” Peter said, shaking his head. He reached out and stroked Neal’s jaw. “I’m so glad you like being a bottom guy,” he teased. Neal gave him a wry smile. “I’ll be gentle with you, angel. We’ve been pretty rough the last few times.”

Neal smacked Peter’s chest. “I _love_ it. It’s nice when you’re not holding out on me.” He went over to Peter’s dressed and pulled a shirt out at random, pulling it on. “When you finally realize you aren’t going to break me, it’s nice to have you be a little rough.”

There was a knock on the door and both men asked for another minute. Nicky giggled before taking off to wait downstairs. “Fine. I’ll rough you up so you can’t even _sit_ tomorrow,” he murmured. Neal shivered and Peter’s heart sped up a bit. “You actually like when I’m rough?”

“Well, to an extent—obviously. It’s fantastic, mind-blowing sex with you. You’re, like, perfectly in the middle of feather-light and ripping my ass off.” Peter burst into a fit of laughter and Neal rolled his eyes. “I suppose that’s what I get for giving you a compliment…”

“Those are two extremes. I know I’ve been as slow as a turtle and I think I only jack-rabbitted you once or twice. I’ve worked on finding a nice, comfortable medium.”

Neal hugged him, nuzzling Peter’s throat. “You’re really good at it.”

Both men finally finished dressing themselves and they met Nicky downstairs after playing like children on the stairs, shoving each other playfully. Nicky laughed when he watched them act like that. “All right,” Peter said, slyly sliding his hand down Neal’s back to grip his ass gently. “You boys have fun today. I can’t wait to hear all about it.”

Neal watched Peter, struggling to keep himself under control when Peter touched him like that. “Be safe at work, poppa.” When Nicky darted over to give him a hug, Neal exhaled without having realized he’d been holding his breath in the first place.

“I will, buddy.” He squeezed Nicky before letting him go. “You keep daddy out of trouble,” he whispered with a wink. Neal smirked, waiting for Peter to kiss him goodbye. Nicky giggled when Peter ruffled his hair. Then Peter turned towards his husband. “I love you,” Peter whispered to him, pulling him close for a quick hug and a longer kiss. Neal was breathless when Peter pulled away. The older man brushed Neal’s hair back gently, a soft smile on his lips. “Have a fantastic day, angel.”

They murmured, “Love you,” to each other before they all headed outside. Peter’s arm slid around Neal’s waist as they stepped off of the stairs and onto the pavement. He pecked Neal’s lips and smiled at him before saying goodbye to them both. He got into his Taurus to head to work while Neal and Nicky got into Neal’s Corvette they bought him a year ago with their tax returns.

Neal waited for Peter to back out of their driveway so he could back out, too. Nicky got buckled up beside him and was really excited. “Do you think I should’ve asked poppa to take off with us?”

Neal chuckled. “I’m sure poppa’s okay. You two can have quality time whenever you want, baby. Poppa will take you anywhere you want to go.” Nicky smiled at his father. “So, where are we heading?” he asked as he got to the end of the driveway. “It’s too early for McDonalds, so don’t say that just yet. I promise I’ll take you there for lunch though, all right?”

“Dad, you’re awesome!” Neal laughed, shaking his head. “Um, can we go see a movie?”

“Depends on which one. Last I saw, there were a bunch of non-kid-oriented movies, baby.”

“My friends have been talking about _Frozen._ They said it was good. Can we see that?”

Neal pulled his phone out and searched the movie online so he could make the decision before heading all the way out to the theatre. He wouldn’t take Nicky to see anything that wasn’t meant for kids or family. He shrugged. “Sure. This looks fine.” He put his phone back into his pocket and checked both ways before backing out into the street, turning to head east. Nicky was excited and Neal could just feel it.

He decided to run a few errands since they had some time to kill, so he took Nicky with him to the bank to put his and Peter’s last paychecks into their joint account after texting Peter to ask if that was all right. He pulled out a bit of cash for the movies and a couple other things he wanted to buy, then dragged Nicky over to the dollar store to grab some soap for dishes and laundry. Nicky was getting really anxious after they’d gotten back into the car and Neal promised that they were heading out there next. They made it to the theatre with plenty of time to spare before the next showing. He paid for their tickets, some snacks Nicky wanted, drinks, and popcorn. Carrying all of that was an adventure for Neal. He didn’t take Nicky to movie theatres very often, so he was a bit out of practice.

Neal picked seats that were fairly decent. He knew Nicky wouldn’t particularly care about their seating, but he wanted to make sure they could see everything just fine. While they were waiting, he was on his phone using his right hand, his left arm draped across the back of Nicky’s seat. He briefly glanced up from his phone screen to see his son chewing ravenously at the twizzlers he bought him and it made him chuckle. He captured a video without Nicky noticing and promised himself that he’d show Peter later.

He and his husband were exchanging obscene text messages with each other while waiting for the previews to come on. He was slightly embarrassed to admit to Peter that he was turned on by the texts—very physically turned on—and Peter teased him mercilessly about it. “ _Ooh. Did someone just get really hot all of a sudden? Damn, Neal, you naughty brat. You’re mine when we get home._ ”

Neal chuckled to himself, replying with, “Suck my dick, jerk.”

Peter almost instantly replied, “ _Yes, please._ ”

The younger man rolled his eyes, telling Peter he loved him before putting his phone away. The previews were on and Nicky was leaning against him now. “Were you texting poppa?” Neal smiled at him. “I’m glad you’re happy, daddy.”

Neal rubbed Nicky’s left shoulder. “Are you happy?”

Nicky looked a little confused by the question. “With poppa?” Neal nodded. “Of course, dad. He’s my poppa and I love him as much as I love you.” He smiled up at Neal and whispered, “I think he’s really good for you.”

“Mhm,” Neal murmured, knowing his son was hinting at his and Peter’s bedroom activities. “Somebody’s gonna sleep outside if they don’t mind their own business during the night.” Nicky giggled and Neal wasn’t entirely sure how to continue the conversation or if he wanted to. When he himself had been thirteen, he hardly knew a thing about sex—until Adler _taught_ him. Nicky seemed to know a lot and he was aware of the fact that Nicky watched some of his porn. He made damn sure he didn’t have it lying around or that it was easily accessible on his laptop. He also had a password put onto the laptop that only he and Peter knew.

Part of him worried that Nicky would become one of those teenage boys who had sex with a girl for fun and ran out on them if they got pregnant. It made him sick to think of his son acting that way, so he and Peter discussed how they’d try to get across to him that they want him to be respectful to whoever he’s with. He figured they had a couple more years to go before Neal really needed to have _the talk_ with Nicky, but he trusted his son to make good decisions instead of decisions based on peer pressure.

Neal rubbed Nicky’s shoulder slowly, swallowing hard. He didn’t want to think about Nicky growing up just yet. Hell, he was having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that Nicky was looking for bits of independence here and there. He didn’t want Nicky to grow up, but it was happening anyway.

He focused on the movie and was actually as interested in it as Nicky was. He let Nicky have all of the popcorn and snacks as he did whenever they were at the movies. During the movie, he decided he was going to buy it the day it came out on DVD. With that decision came the realization that Peter would laugh at him for either being too flamboyantly gay about it or that he’s as childish and young as his son. Either way, he didn’t care. He liked _Frozen._

•◊•

After Neal tucked Nicky in for the night, he joined Peter downstairs on the couch. Nicky said he had a lot of fun with Neal. He liked the movie, loved going to McDonalds, and was thrilled to no end when Neal surprised him and took him to Adventureland Amusement Park. “You guys are so worn out,” Peter teased when Neal dropped down onto the couch.

“Next time, you take him to the amusement park. That kid has way too much energy.”

“Awe. Is daddy getting too old?”

Neal mock-glared at him. “I’m still young enough to kick your ass, Burke.” Peter smiled, rubbing Neal’s thigh. Neal groaned as he pulled his legs up onto the couch and, much to his surprise, Peter pulled his legs over his thighs. “Whoa. You’re initiating my irritating habit of laying all over you?”

Peter chuckled. “Maybe I just like rubbing your legs.” He rubbed Neal’s ankles slowly. “I’m really glad you two had a good day. I think it was really necessary for you to spend time together.”

“Does he think I’m upset with him?”

“He doesn’t,” Peter said gently. “I think he feels guilty about…the flashback.” Neal started to say something, but Peter cut him off. “I’ve told him he had nothing to do with it, angel. He’s as sensitive as you are. He felt bad and I think he’s happier now that he got to spend a whole day with you, hon.” Peter rested his hands on Neal’s knees and smiled at him. “He likes to see you happy and he told me you had a blast.”

Neal nodded, staring at his husband lovingly. “The three of us need to do more together, Peter. Maybe we’ve all been a little distant over the past few months.”

“If that’s your subtle way of asking if I’m upset with you for not sharing your nightmares with me, then you’re a dork. I love you more than life itself.” He slid his hands up to Neal’s thighs, pulling them closer. “We agreed that living on top of each other all the time might not be what’s best for us. You know I’m always going to be here—right here—for you if you need me, honey.”

“That’s why I love you,” he whispered, resting his hand on Peter’s. “I appreciate you so much. Like, you respect me and my needs, love me unconditionally even when I’m an idiot, and you’re just the sweetest man I’ve ever met in my life.”

Peter grinned at him. “I knew I wanted to marry you. I wanted you to know that I love you with all of my heart, Neal. There’s no other man I’d rather be with than you.”

They ended up taking their conversation upstairs to the bedroom to pursue a heated intimacy in bed. Neal was quieter, knowing Peter liked that more than crying out loudly. Peter was always gentle with him and there was always a flame of passion between them. “I love you,” Neal whispered, staring up at his husband. Peter didn’t want to lie down despite being exhausted and spent. Neal noticed though and chuckled. “Lay on me.”

Peter couldn’t hold himself up much longer, so he conceded. He laid on his husband’s front, breathing against his neck. “God. You’re so damn warm,” he murmured. Neal laughed quietly as Peter’s hands roamed over his body. “Neal, I’m never getting up again.”

“Oh?” Neal asked, chuckling.

“You’re so warm and I can feel your pulse in your neck,” he whispered, licking over Neal’s pulse. Neal shivered and laughed lightly. “Your heart’s beating against mine and it’s all just… You’re intoxicating. I hope you know that.” Neal ran his fingers through Peter’s hair, smiling as he closed his eyes. “I’ll never be able to get enough of you, angel. There’s so much of you I have yet to worship.”

“I’m not a god,” Neal said, opening his eyes to give his husband an amused smirk even though he wasn’t looking. “I’m just me. That’s all I’ve ever been with you and that’s all I’ll ever be.” Peter groaned against him in protest to his initial comment about not being a god. “Don’t you _ugh_ me, Peter Michael Burke.”

Peter kissed Neal’s throat. “Neal George Burke, I will _ugh_ you all I want—and maybe get some oomph in there, too.”

“I could just moan and say your name in the most lascivious way possible. The oomph would be in your head, my delirious lover.” Peter’s hand slid down Neal’s right side, sliding over his hip to rest near his groin. “Peter,” he whined. “We _just_ finished. You can’t possibly want to go again.”

“Try me,” Peter challenged, closing his eyes.

Neal groaned as he pushed Peter over and got him onto his back. “Okay. You lay there for me.” Peter’s eyes were barely open as Neal straddled his hips, lowering himself onto Peter’s miraculously hardened length. “Wow,” he moaned. “Your recovery time was impeccable.”

“If you’re gonna sit there, can I thrust up into you, baby?”

Neal raised an eyebrow in amusement. “Oh, my bad. I didn’t realize I was being slow by talking to you,” he teased. He put his hands on Peter’s chest and moved, gasping quietly each time he impaled himself on his husband.

Peter held Neal’s forearms loosely, moaning. “You’re so beautiful.”

“And you’re very handsome.” Peter reached up to stroke Neal’s jaw, smiling at his husband.

“Mm,” Peter murmured sleepily. Neal stopped moving and smirked wryly at the older man. “You stopped.”

Neal rolled his eyes. “Go to sleep, my love. I’ll stay on you.”

“But I want you to move.”

Neal chuckled and kissed Peter’s chest. “You know I move around in my sleep.” Peter groaned. “We’ve learned that you can ejaculate in your sleep, which is a wonderful talent of yours.”

Peter shut his eyes and murmured, “Shut up and lie down, brat.” Neal laughed quietly, lying down on top of Peter without disconnecting their sweaty bodies. “You’re gonna complain about being sore tomorrow morning. You sure you wanna sleep this way?”

“Yes, love.”

“I don’t want to hear any complaints…”

Neal smiled up at Peter. “When have I ever complained? Your performance is always immaculate.” Peter grunted at him and Neal’s smile widened. “Exactly. Now go to bed, babe.” Peter nodded, cradling Neal’s head with one hand while resting his other on Neal’s shoulder. He needed to feel Neal before he fell asleep just to be sure that he hadn’t dreamt his husband up in some half delirious dream. Every time, he realized this was his life—this was his husband—and every time he was touched by the knowledge that Neal is willingly his forever.

•◊•

Peter wandered down the stairway the following morning, rubbing his eyes while yawning. “Hon, you down here?” He was met with silence. That was strange to him. Neal wasn’t in bed and he could smell something in the kitchen, so Neal was supposedly in the kitchen. “Honey?” he called out.

He rounded the corner to find Neal curled in on himself against the lower portion of the cupboard, sobbing quietly, sounding like he was in hysterics. His laptop wasn’t too far from where he was sitting. Concerned, Peter knelt beside him and touched his arm gently. “Look at it,” Neal gasped.

The older man’s brows furrowed, but he pulled Neal’s laptop closer and entered the password, immediately seeing a news report in front of him. Peter’s eyes widened, his throat dried, and his anger rose. The anger lasted for mere moments before he set the laptop aside and tried to pull his husband close. “Neal, you’re safe. I swear to you, nothing will happen to you.”

“It’s over,” he said brokenly. “My life is over.”

“No, Neal. No.” He glanced at the laptop while stroking his husband’s hair. Adler somehow managed to break out of prison after all this time and Neal was terrified. “He’s not coming for you or Nicky. I will kill him if he tries to take either of you, angel.”

Neal shook his head, lifting it a moment later to gasp for breath. Peter’s heart ached as he watched his husband cry. “I didn’t even mean to find that online. I-I… Peter, I’m scared.” Peter nodded, keeping his eyes locked onto Neal’s. “He’s going to come after me—us. I can’t… Peter, please.”

Peter hushed him gently, wiping his tears away. “Do you trust me?”

“More than anyone,” Neal replied fiercely, sniffling.

The older man whispered, “Then trust me to protect you. You’re my husband and Nicky’s our son. Nothing is going to happen to either of you this time.” He took both of Neal’s hands in his and held them, trying to reassure Neal that nothing would happen. He leaned forward and kissed Neal softly, making a silent promise to keep him safe.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another tragedy befalls Neal.

“This is getting out of hand,” Mozzie whispered as he sat with Peter on the patio in the back of the Burke house. He glanced at Peter and noticed that his best friend’s husband looked lost. “Are you even trying to help him?”

Peter’s glossy look faded almost instantly and he glared at Mozzie. “Yes. This whole week has been hell for him, Moz. He’s been jumpy at work and he’s afraid to be alone.” He rubbed his forehead, closing his eyes. “I have put all of my efforts and all of my people on Adler. If he so much as breathes within twenty feet of Neal, I’ll know about it.”

“You have him being watched if you’re not with him.”

He knew it wasn’t a question. Mozzie knew exactly what Peter was doing to keep Neal safe. The older man respected Peter for taking those kinds of precautions, but he wanted to know what Peter was doing to emotionally save Neal. “I have undercover agents at Ascension to protect Nicky at all costs and, yes, I have him tailed if I’m not with him. He’s hardly away from me, Mozzie, so it’s not like I’m frequently sending someone after him.”

Mozzie’s eyes widened and Peter froze. “I don’t need a tail,” Neal whispered behind him.

Peter turned to look up at his husband. He looked so worn out and exhausted mentally and physically. The news of Adler’s breakout was hitting him hard. Because of that, Peter also had people keeping Craig Laird, Garrett Fowler, and Matthew Keller under extreme surveillance. Having one bastard out in the world was problematic enough. If all four of them were roaming the streets, Neal would never leave the house again. Hell, Peter figured he’d never leave their bedroom ever again.

“Neal—”

“I don’t want people who don’t know me to follow me,” he said firmly. “You promised me you’d protect me. They didn’t make that promise.” Peter nodded, staying quiet. He thought Neal went to sleep. They’d been in bed together and Neal seemed relaxed. He’d either faked falling asleep or he’d woken up in a panic when he realized Peter wasn’t in bed with him. “I only need you. Just you.” Peter could see the panic attack coming on and he swallowed hard.

He stood up slowly as Neal’s breathing became labored and he started sweating. “Neal, I’m not going anywhere. You know I’m going to be right here with you.”

Mozzie watched with a heavy heart. He was glad Peter knew how to help Neal. It was better than any effort he could make because Neal didn’t trust him as much as he trusts Peter. To some extent, that hurt Mozzie, but he was just relieved to know that Neal had a strong support system in his husband. “Peter,” Neal choked out as his eyes began to water. “ _Help._ ”

Peter was holding Neal in mere seconds. He could feel Neal’s distress, so he rubbed Neal’s back, whispering, “I’ve got you,” repeatedly. Neal’s eyes were shut tightly and he held onto Peter, clutching the back of his shirt roughly. He didn’t want to let go of Peter at all. “Honey, do you want to go sit down?” Neal sobbed against Peter’s shoulder and murmured something that Peter took as a yes. He helped Neal back into the house and led him to their couch, gently lowering him onto it. The younger man started stammering unintelligible things that made Peter’s heart hurt. He knelt in front of Neal, holding his hands. “Angel. Angel, it’s okay.” Neal shook his head, trying to stop the sobs before they came. Unfortunately, he couldn’t stop. “I’m not letting you out of my sight, baby,” he whispered. “I’m going to keep you safe. I promised you that.”

“I—I—terrified—scared… Peter—please—I….”

Neal looked like he was in physical pain and Peter didn’t know what to do. He wouldn’t leave Neal alone though. He hushed him, nodding slowly. “Baby, you don’t have to say anything if you’re afraid to talk about it. I’m not forcing you to—”

“I need to leave. I can’t stay here.” Peter’s lips parted in surprise. “I’m the one he wants. If I’m not here, Nicky’s safe. If I’m not here, you’re safe.” He was sincerely trying to convince himself that leaving his family was for the best even though it was killing him inside. Peter could see the emotional toll this was taking on Neal. “I—can’t…. I can’t be here. I can’t stay.”

Peter rested Neal’s hands on Neal’s lap, lifting his own hands to caress Neal’s cheeks. “I’m not letting you do this on your own,” he whispered. “You’re not leaving me, Neal George Burke. You can’t leave me or Nicky.”

Neal’s breath hitched. “I should,” he whispered. “I can’t,” he added, his voice cracking to make him sound broken. “Need… Need…” He was breathing too fast and Peter was trying to get him to relax as best he could.

“I will do anything for you,” Peter whispered fiercely, stroking Neal’s cheekbones. “You’re not leaving, honey. I’m not letting you hurt yourself by doing this alone. I couldn’t live with myself if I let you go.”

Neal’s eyes finally opened and he nodded quickly. “Keep me, please,” he pleaded. “I can’t do this without you. I can’t live without you.” Peter knew that Neal might say those things under normal circumstances during passionate conversations, but these were desperate circumstances for Neal. He didn’t want to be alone even though he told himself he should isolate himself from his loved ones to protect them. He was too afraid to leave Peter and all of the safety and security that came with Peter’s presence.

Peter nodded. “You’re my husband—the love of my life. I’m going to hold onto you and we’ll make it through this together.” Neal was wary as he tried to agree with his husband. “We’re in this together, okay?”

“Okay,” Neal whispered, nodding as he tried to convince himself that they could work through this together. They’d done things like this before, but he never knew if Peter would come to resent him for being so weak and dependent. “Okay.”

His breathing was starting to regulate itself and Peter gave him a soft smile, leaning forward to give Neal a chaste kiss. “Nobody’s going to hurt you before I can hurt them. I’ll be your human shield, honey. Nobody is getting to you.”

“What if he kills you?” Neal asked so quietly that Peter nearly didn’t catch the question.

“He won’t,” Peter vowed. “I’m not letting you leave me and I promise you that I won’t leave you either. Nothing will take me from you, hon. That son of a bitch can try all he likes, but I’m not leaving you.”

Neal ran his fingers through his hair, nodding. “Okay, Peter. I…I believe you.”

Mozzie noticed far too late that Nicky had come downstairs. He’d seen and heard everything that just happened and Mozzie knew Neal couldn’t deal with that right now. “Uh, I’m going to use your lovely restroom,” Mozzie said quickly, darting across the room towards Nicky. Peter glanced up and saw his son. His eyes widened for a split second and he was grateful that Neal wasn’t looking at him for once.

Mozzie herded Nicky upstairs silently and Peter relaxed beside his husband. “How’re you feeling, honey?”

Neal breathed shakily. “I don’t know why this is hitting me so hard,” he whispered. “I’ve been fine. I was fine after twenty years. It’s only been about four and I’m having panic attacks.” Peter didn’t know what to say to that. He wasn’t sure why Neal was affected this way. Something dawned on the younger man then. “It’s because of Nicky,” he whispered. Peter’s brows furrowed. “I’m panicking because Adler broke out—because Nicky is thirteen. Adler raped me when I was thirteen.” The panic came back full force. He nearly knocked Peter back into the coffee table when he frantically stood up and tried to run upstairs. Peter barricaded him, telling him everything was fine and that Nicky was safe. Neal only struggled against Peter’s grip and then he resorted to screaming for Nicky.

In seconds, Nicky was bounding down the stairway, standing on the landing to look at his father, concerned. He could see that something was really wrong. He knew his father wasn’t at fault. Even though he’s thirteen and they tried to keep him out of the loop, he knew Adler was out of prison. He was afraid only for his father’s well-being. “Daddy?”

“Let me go!” he yelled, trying to break out of Peter’s grip. He wasn’t seeing Peter or even Mozzie coming downstairs behind Nicky. His vision was tunneled and focused on his son—on protecting his son. When he finally broke free, he ran straight to Nicky and scooped him up into his arms, holding the teenager against him. He was breathing heavily, his hands roaming all over Nicky’s hair and back just so he was certain that his son was alive and okay.

“Daddy?” Neal kissed Nicky’s neck, shutting his eyes tightly as he began to cry silently. “Dad, I’m okay. You’re okay, too.” He looked beyond Neal to meet Peter’s eyes, seeing the hurt and fear in those chocolate eyes. “Poppa’s here with us, dad, and so is Uncle Mozzie.”

Neal nodded, slowly setting his son down. “I can’t let you get hurt,” he whispered brokenly, keeping his son wrapped up in his tight embrace. “I can’t…”

Peter hadn’t even considered this to be one of the reasons Neal was panicking. He agreed with Neal that Adler was coming after him, not his son. They hadn’t thought about him going after their son. Kneeling beside his husband, Peter rested his hand on Neal’s back, rubbing him tentatively. “I promised I’d protect you,” Peter whispered, “and I promise you I’ll protect our son.”

Nicky understood then. He knew his father was worried about him. With that came the realization that Neal was terrified of Adler taking Nicky to rape him. Nicky’s heart hurt. “Dad, poppa will keep us safe.”

Neal leaned away from his son, his eyes still shut tightly. Peter watched him and reached out when Neal threw himself at his husband. Peter gently stroked Neal’s hair, holding him. It wasn’t long after that when Neal fell asleep, clearly exhausted. The other three were still in the room and Peter sighed shakily, looking up at Nicky. “Dad will be okay.”

“He’s worried about me more than himself?”

Peter nodded. “I’ll get him through this and I swear I’ll keep you both safe, Nick.”

Nicky gave his poppa a small smile. “I knew you would.”

Mozzie used one of the guestrooms after tucking Nicky in. He’d stay overnight because he was worried about the man he considered his little brother. Peter carried Neal up to their bedroom. Despite putting on some weight at Peter’s request, Neal was still frighteningly light.

Peter laid Neal down on their bed and covered him up. He laid down beside Neal and just stared at him, wishing that none of this was happening. He wished he could have stretched the last two years out to make them last longer because Neal was happy. Nothing was hurting him like this during those two years.

After a few hours of watching a silent game on their television, Peter got up to use the bathroom. He was only gone for a couple of minutes, but he startled when he reached the bed and found his husband staring up at him sadly.

Neal was breathing evenly when he whispered, “What’s the collateral damage?” Peter shook his head, pulling the blanket up so he could slide under it with Neal. Neal was frustrated and Peter knew that. “Peter, tell me how bad I made everything.”

“Angel, go to sleep with me.” He turned off the nightstand lamp and television and flipped onto his side, taking the liberty of resting his head on Neal’s chest and his hand on Neal’s stomach. He hated that Adler could do this to him. Neal could be all right one moment and falling to pieces the next.

“I need to talk to you,” Neal whispered in the darkness.

Peter internally sighed. “I’m listening, hon.” He didn’t want Neal to talk about this. He’d rehash memories he wanted to forget and Peter feared that Neal would go into severe hysterics.

Neal weaved his fingers through Peter’s hair. “I’m really sorry for the way I was acting. I should be able to control myself by now.” Peter frowned. “I’m sorry for hurting you.”

“You didn’t—”

“I know you’re in pain when you have to watch me during my panic attacks,” he whispered. “I really need your help, Peter. I’m not afraid to admit that to you. I’m afraid that Nicky will… That he’ll…” He swallowed and Peter was going to stop that line of thought in its tracks until Neal finished. “I’m afraid that he’ll rape my son. I was afraid when he kidnapped Nicky, but Nicky’s the age I was when he took me.” Tears were welling up in Neal’s eyes as he stared up at the ceiling. “I can feel that pain all over again. I can feel Adler raping me and then I imagine Nicky in my place and it _kills_ me.”

Peter pushed himself up and stared at his husband in the barely lit room. The moonlight was their only light for the moment. “Honey, I know you’re scared,” he whispered. “I’m scared, too. I’m scared for you and for our son, which is why I will put every ounce of energy and every moment of every day into making damn sure neither of you are harmed.” He tentatively kissed Neal, relieved when the younger man’s lips moved against his. “No one will be raped,” he promised. “Not you. Not Nicky. I refuse to let him do that to either of you.” Neal stared up at him, believing in his husband and all that he said he’d do for Neal. He knew that Peter was the only one who would go to the ends of the earth to protect him and Nicky. He was the only person Neal trusted that much with both his and Nicky’s life. They kissed again, a short and chaste kiss, before Neal decided this was enough for him to talk about tonight.

•◊•

Neal sat at his desk, drinking his coffee. He was trying to live his life as though Adler were still imprisoned, as though he wasn’t afraid of what would happen to his son. He didn’t want to live in fear. He’d done that to himself for twenty years and he couldn’t do it again. He wouldn’t live his life behind closed doors. Peter and Nicky didn’t deserve to live that way.

He was writing reports for Peter by hand that morning because these didn’t need to be computerized. His hand was cramping and it wasn’t even noon yet. He sighed in frustration and set his pen down. He couldn’t do this anymore for the moment. Peter didn’t need these reports until the following afternoon, so he had time. Combing his fingers through his hair, he sighed heavily. Thoughts of Adler and Craig kept coming back to him and he was doing his damnedest to bury them. He couldn’t let Peter suffer because he couldn’t control his inner demons. He’d work to get himself under control and work to have a normal life with Peter and his son.

If things got to the point where they were unbearable, Neal would go to Peter. He held onto Peter for support as it was, but he needed him even more when the terror struck him immensely. His desk phone rang and he glanced up to see if Peter was messing with him again, but Peter was in Hughes’ office talking to Hughes. He tentatively picked up the phone and answered, “Special Agent Neal Burke speaking.”

“ _So you’re still alive and now you’re married,_ ” the voice on the other end said bitterly. He ground his teeth and closed his eyes. “ _You didn’t even ask if I wanted to be at your wedding, yet you invited your father._ ”

“Because I didn’t want your bullshit,” he said quietly enough so as not to get anyone’s attention. “We’ve been married for two years.”

She made a hurt sound and Neal knew better than to believe she was in actual pain over missing his wedding. “ _Two years and you never once called to tell me that you were a_ Burke. _I’m very disappointed in you. Why couldn’t you live with Bennett or Caffrey?_ ”

“You don’t even deserve the answers you’re looking for—I owe you _nothing,_ ” he hissed. “You weren’t invited two years ago and I’m really glad I did that. It was so much fun and great because you weren’t there. Swallow that bit of information for a little while and stay off my work phone’s line. This is for emergencies.”

“ _I want to see you._ ”

He decided that he didn’t even want to dignify that with a response, so he hung up and set the phone down. The last thing he wanted right now was for his mother to try to squeeze her way back into his life. Nicky wasn’t interested in getting to know her while both Neal and Peter hated her—all with good reason.

The last two years have been great. He didn’t have his mother’s drama and his father wasn’t entirely in his life. He stopped by around birthdays for the three of them as well as Thanksgiving and Christmas if they weren’t heading up to the Burkes in Maine. James gave them space because he didn’t want to be overbearing like Maryann had been. He actually wanted to stay in his son and grandson’s lives. Neal appreciated that he was making the effort to keep his distance unless there was something going on that warranted a random pop-in or phone call.

His phone rang again and he muttered, “Son of a bitch,” before answering. “Special Agent Neal Burke.”

“ _Wow. Very professional, mon frère._ ”

Neal sighed and palmed his forehead in aggravation. “Seriously, Moz? Calling my work phone? You do realize you’re dialing the FBI?”

“ _Of course I do. Your personal phone must be on silent because I tried to call you that way._ ” Neal mentally slapped himself. He should’ve turned it back up once he got to work. “ _I’m just calling to let you know that everything is okay on the Nicky front._ ”

Neal was relieved. “Thanks, Moz. I really appreciate that you’re watching him.”

“ _The Suits aren’t even remotely connected to the little guy. I wouldn’t leave him to fend for himself in the midst of guns and handcuffs._ ”

Neal smiled wryly. “They won’t pull guns unless they see Adler and the handcuffs will come after they’ve already shot him.” They talked a little more about Nicky and the school and Mozzie critiqued the lack of emotion in the FBI agents standing guard around the school. When Neal glanced up from his papers he was reading while Mozzie ranted, he saw Peter give him the finger point, asking him to come up. “Uh, Moz, sorry to interrupt, but I need to go.”

Mozzie let him off without a problem and Neal got up, heading up to Peter’s office. “Shut the door.” Neal’s brows furrowed, but he did as Peter asked. “I need to tell you something, Neal, and I need to know if you need to go home or not after I tell you.”

“What’s going on?”

Peter swallowed hard. “Neal, please, sit down.” Neal did and looked up at his husband expectantly. “It’s about… It’s about Ellen.” Neal’s heart leapt up into his throat. He knew this wasn’t good news. He already knew what Peter was going to say and he wanted to know _how._ “Ellen… She was murdered last night.” Neal’s breath hitched and Peter looked concerned as well as sympathetic. “We’re still looking into it, angel. We don’t have all the details, but Hughes told me not too long ago.”

Neal looked so lost and Peter’s heart broke. He knew this would hit Neal hard, which is why he didn’t want Neal to hear it from a news report or from another agent. He wanted to be the one to support his husband. “Is anything being done?”

“Yes,” Peter said gently. “Agents are sweeping the house for prints and a possible weapon.”

“I don’t think the idiot would leave a gun behind after killing someone.” Peter was silent. “She wasn’t killed with a gun.” Peter shook his head slowly and swallowed. “What was she killed with?”

“Neal, I’m not going to tell you right now.” Neal gaped at him. He knew Peter was aware of the relationship between him and Ellen. “I don’t want you to look into this right now. Please, for me, just…wait for me to give you the information.”

Neal looked away from Peter, thinking. He’d find out somehow. Even if Peter didn’t tell him, he’d find out. “Are there any suspects?”

Peter nodded. “A few.” He was surprised that Neal hadn’t lost control, but he was proud of him. Neal was probably dying on the inside, but he was really working on his emotional breakdowns. Peter told him he could breakdown in front of him without having to worry about being judged, but Neal still wanted to try to contain his emotional outbursts. “Are you okay?” he asked, trying to keep his voice gentle and calm. He didn’t want Neal to burst into tears, but he didn’t want Neal to isolate himself either.

“Yeah,” he whispered. “I just… It’s a lot to process.” Peter knew he was struggling to keep the façade up. “I need to know what happened and why, Peter.”

“In time, honey. I promise I’ll tell you as I’m updated.” Neal didn’t leave Peter’s office even after their conversation was finished. Peter didn’t ask him to leave either. The younger man just fidgeted with a paperclip, bending it. He set it down to play with a pencil and Peter glanced at him then, watching him. Peter flinched when the pencil snapped in half and Neal seemed oblivious to what he’d just done as he picked the paperclip up again. "Angel,” he whispered. Neal looked up at him, question in his expression. “Should I take you home?”

Neal’s brows furrowed. “Why are you asking?” Peter nodded towards the remnants of the pencil on the desk and Neal glanced down. His eyes widened a bit and his lips parted as he stared at the pencil and then at the paperclip. “What am I doing?”

“Do you want to go home?” Neal shook his head and sighed. Peter glanced at his watch and then looked up at Neal again. “Baby, let’s go get some lunch.” Neal muttered that he wasn’t hungry and Peter gave him a very disapproving look until Neal conceded and said he’d try to eat something. Peter didn’t want Neal to create an eating disorder for himself. Neal needed to eat and Peter would make him eat regularly. If he refused, Peter would gladly spoon the food into Neal’s mouth as though Neal were an infant who couldn’t hold his utensils.

Peter drove them down to McDonalds at Neal’s half-hearted request. They went inside, ordered, and then found themselves a table to sit at. Neal was just staring at his sandwich and occasionally eating one of his fries. Peter was worried about him. Neal wasn’t freaking out or crying or acting anything other than the strong Neal he’d come to love. Neal swallowed hard and bowed his head. Peter felt bad about bringing him here now, knowing Neal would feel ten times worse if he fell apart in a public place. “Why did it have to be her?” he whispered. The older man reached across the table to touch Neal’s hand. He didn’t have the answers to Neal’s questions. “The last time I saw her was when we invited her over for dinner.” He lifted his head a bit to inhale sharply and Peter could see that he was crying. “She brought the skateboard I used as a kid over for Nicky,” he said, laughing quietly. He rubbed his eyes and exhaled shakily. “She told me how proud of me she was when she looked at the family I made.”

The older man slid out of his side of the booth and swung around to sit beside Neal. He wrapped one arm around his husband and kissed Neal’s hair. “You have those memories to keep forever,” Peter whispered to him. “You know she’s proud of you. You know she loves you.”

Neal nodded, rubbing his eyes as he leaned against Peter. “She’s my mom. My mom’s dead.” Peter’s right hand flew up to cradle Neal’s head when the younger man buried his face into the crook of his throat. “Why do bad things always happen so close together? I can’t be happy. I can’t live my life the way I want to.” He was pressing soft kisses against Peter’s throat and Peter kept his hand on Neal’s head, closing his eyes as he rested his cheek on the crown of Neal’s head. “My flashbacks came back, Vincent broke out of prison, and now my mom is dead.”

Peter was on the verge of tears himself, but he wanted to help Neal. Crying would only hinder his efforts to help his husband. “I don’t know why these things happen,” Peter said softly, “but I’m so sorry, baby.”

“God hates me,” he whispered, sobbing quietly against his husband’s neck. “I was raped by two men repeatedly, my son was kidnapped, my mom’s dead, and I don’t even know what Vincent will do to me or Nicky next.” Peter’s eyes watered. “Sometimes, I swear everyone is against me. In the end, I know I have you and Nicky. You two love me. You two are always on my side.”

“Honey, you believe in God,” Peter said. “Don’t start talking like me. Stick to your faith and—”

“I can’t,” Neal murmured. “I can’t stick to it. I have no faith. Everyone I care about is being hurt. I’m just waiting for something to happen to you because that’ll be the ultimate end of me.”

Peter shook his head. “No. Don’t say that.” He leaned away to kiss Neal’s hair. “Don’t think that way. You’re still alive, Neal. If…” He felt really hypocritical because he’s lapsed in his faith, but he wanted to encourage Neal to keep his. “If God didn’t love you, he wouldn’t have let you live.”

Neal’s heart pounded in his chest. He didn’t know what to believe in anymore. “It may have been more merciful to have just killed me instead,” he whispered. “I have to live while Nicky’s mom is dead, while my mom is dead.”

“That’s part of life,” Peter whispered. “We live and we die. Kate gave her life to create Nicky and Ellen died knowing she gave you hope to live the life you want.” Neal stayed quiet and Peter understood. “Honey, I’m going to ask for a bag so we can take our stuff. We’re gonna head out.”

The younger man, surprisingly, put up no resistance to what Peter said. He was cleaning up their food while Peter asked for a bag. He brought it back to Neal and helped him put their food into it. Peter kept his hand on Neal’s lower back as they made their way outside. He could just feel the breakdown coming on and he couldn’t blame Neal. If he were in Neal’s position and his own mother died, he’d fall apart, too, and only in the comfort of his husband’s arms.

Peter was surprised that they made it to the car without an issue. They both got in and he hesitated, watching Neal, before starting the car. He wanted to give Neal his full attention if Neal needed it and he couldn’t do that if he were driving. “Can we go home?” he whispered. “Both of us?”

“I’m sure that won’t be a problem,” Peter said quietly. Neal nodded slowly, staring at the dashboard. Peter started up the car and backed out of the parking space. As soon as he was able to drive straight rather than backwards, he reached over and cradled Neal’s head, carding his fingers through Neal’s hair slowly.

The entire drive home shocked Peter, honestly. Neal didn’t cry anymore during it and he really wondered why. If this were his birth mother, Peter would understand why Neal wasn’t crying. This was Ellen and she was the only real mother he’d ever had. His detachment worried Peter. “Take me to Ellen’s house,” Neal said abruptly when they reached a red light. Peter gave him an incredulous look. “I need to see it for myself to believe it. Please, Peter.”

Peter swallowed hard, his gaze locked with Neal’s. When someone behind them honked, they looked away from each other. Peter flipped his turning signal on and turned right. Neal, even though he was looking down, was surprised that Peter was doing what he asked. Peter kept stroking Neal’s hair. “I’ll do anything for you,” he whispered. “Just promise me that you won’t hide from me, Neal. I know you’re hurting—you know I love you and I’m not walking away from you.”

”I promise.” Neal looked over at his husband, giving him a small smile. “Thank you, Peter,” he said sincerely. He tentatively reached over to rub Peter’s thigh for a moment. “I love you, too, Superman.”

Peter smiled, knowing Neal would be all right in the end if he could call Peter ‘Superman.’

As soon as they arrived at Ellen’s home, Neal was reluctant to get out of the car. Peter was watching him, letting Neal make the decision. Neal took a deep breath before unbuckling and pushing his door open. Peter did the same and they met on the sidewalk leading up to the stairway. Peter extended his hand towards Neal, whispering, “I’m going to be right there with you.” Neal nodded and took his hand, holding it firmly. Together, they walked up to the house. Neal pulled his keychain out of his pocket and slipped the key into the lock, pushing the large and heavy door open.

They walked inside together and Peter shut the door behind them. Neal froze on the spot, staring in horror at the scene before him. He knew not to touch or move anything because this was all considered evidence. Neal walked them into the living room after making it through the disastrous obstacle course of Ellen’s belongings that had been thrown around.

In the living room, they found the bloodstain. Neal’s heart ached as he stared at it. It was proof that she was gone. Her home was trashed and there was blood on the floor. “Tell me what they killed her with,” Neal whispered.

There was too much blood for a simple gunshot and he had various scenarios running through his mind that were more and more horrific as he thought about them. “She was stabbed to death,” Peter said sadly, keeping his eyes on Neal. “There were multiple stab wounds to the chest and abdomen. Her lungs were punctured and she… She was dead when the paramedics arrived.”

Neal couldn’t help staring around the room. He was trying so hard not to believe this was real, but everything was right here. He was subconsciously crushing Peter’s hand. The fury inside him was rising and overwhelming his despair. The only woman he’d loved as a parental figure throughout his whole life was brutally murdered and he couldn’t understand why. “We’re going to find this sick bastard,” Neal growled. “I’m going to find her killer, Peter.”

“We aren’t about revenge,” Peter said desperately. “Neal, we’re going to solve this as FBI agents. I loved her like family because she’s the woman you saw as your mother. We can’t put our personal feelings into this investigation if we want to find whoever did this.”

“Then what are you suggesting we do?”

“We go about this through normal procedure. We’re FBI agents, Neal. We need to act professionally in the field.” He lifted Neal’s left hand, kissing his knuckles. “When we’re just Neal and Peter at home, you and I can be emotional and grieve—together. We’re not looking for revenge. This is about justice.”

Neal’s eyes were locked onto the bloodstain, but he heard what his husband was saying. He wanted to wreak havoc and raise all holy hell on whoever murdered Ellen, but Peter was right. Peter was able to look at this from a leveled perspective. His judgment wasn’t influenced by his heart and Neal knew he needed to listen to Peter. He himself was emotionally attached to the situation, but he needed to step back if they were going to solve this. “Justice,” he whispered, nodding. He looked away from the bloodstain and met Peter’s eyes. “I’m with you.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter and Neal finally get some good news; Peter, at Neal's request, ends up venting his personal frustrations.

Peter woke up one Saturday morning to Neal’s muffled voice. It sounded like he was in their bathroom and Peter wondered why he was in there as well as who he was talking to. He sat up slowly and rubbed his eyes, trying to listen to what Neal was saying in the other room. Not even two minutes later, Neal came out with a huge grin on his face. That was something Peter hadn’t seen in a _while._ “Well, good morning,” Peter said, smiling at him.

“Good morning!”

Peter raised an eyebrow. “Did you get into my stash of beer?” he teased.

“Peter, we’re off the wait-list! A mom picked us!”

Peter slid off of the bed and met his husband halfway, hugging him tightly. “That’s great news, baby,” he said, kissing Neal’s neck. “I know how shitty it was to get the phone call that we were put on the wait-list. I’m so thrilled to hear that we’re not on it anymore.”

Neal closed his eyes, resting his head on his husband’s shoulder. “We’re meeting her this coming Friday. She’s only about three or four months along right now, but she chose us.”

The older man rubbed Neal’s back, his heart pounding in his chest. This was the happiest he’s seen Neal since his flashbacks came back. He knew this meant a lot to Neal, too. Neal was really depressed when they were told they were put on a list since the mother Neal had spoken to chose a different family. They assumed it was because they were gay and found out accidentally that it was. Peter had been furious and Neal was just distraught. Now, they’d be nearing their third year of marriage by the time they brought a new baby home. Even though they knew they weren’t going to split up, it might’ve been good for them to wait instead of jumping right into adoption.

Both men went downstairs after taking a shower together, subsequently getting half-dressed, and started breakfast. Neal was so happy and Peter was just waiting for him to start bouncing off of the walls. It was nice to see him like this and Peter wished it could stay like this. With Adler’s breakout and Ellen’s death, Neal needed _one_ moment to breathe easy. Ellen’s funeral was tomorrow, so Neal really needed something positive to happen.

Peter didn’t realize he’d zoned out until he blinked and saw the extremely affectionate expression on Neal’s face. “You were saying something really important, weren’t you?”

Neal shrugged, chuckling. “Pretty much just babbling on and on about how excited I am for this.” Peter smiled softly at his husband. Neal knew what Peter was thinking and he himself was thinking those same thoughts as well. He didn’t like being down all the time. He desperately tried to be happy, but things just kept happening.

“Why don’t you tell me again, honey?”

The younger man gave him a wry smile. “I’m so thrilled about this, love. We talked about this forever ago and now it’s becoming a reality. Despite all the times I’ve complained about taking care of Nicky as a baby, I really miss it.” Peter chuckled, gazing affectionately at his husband while he talked and darted around the kitchen. “I miss holding a baby, feeding a baby with a bottle… I miss trying to rock Nicky to sleep as he wailed in my arms. I had to sing to him sometimes to get him to sleep.”

“Neal, you’re an amazing father,” he whispered. Neal looked up from what he was doing and smiled at Peter, silently thanking him for the compliment. “I’m going to learn from you how to do all of this. You’re such a pro with children and the only experience I’ve really had with babies is holding them awkwardly.”

Neal laughed. “I think you’ll do just fine because he or she will be your own baby.” He raised an eyebrow in amusement. “Ever change a baby’s diaper?” Peter looked horrified and Neal took that as a no. “Oh, you’re going to learn, poppa. You are _so_ going to learn.”

Peter groaned playfully at the thought. “Well, at least my teacher is sexy.” Neal smiled wryly. “You’ll still be a better father than I am, but I’m excited to do this with you.”

Neal rolled his eyes and went back to working on their eggs and bacon. “You bitched at me for degrading my parenting skills. I’ll bitch at you if you start doing that, too.”

The older man chuckled, shaking his head. “All right, honey.”

By the time Nicky came downstairs, Neal and Peter were singing Disney songs together. The teenager stopped before entering the kitchen, staring at his fathers curiously. He loved that his dad was actually happy and it made him wonder. He couldn’t think of anything that made his dad that happy, especially since he knew his dad’s mom died. Nicky knew the difference between Maryann and Ellen once Neal and Peter sat him down and explained it to him. They kept most of the details to themselves, but Neal hinted constantly at the fact that he hates his own mother.

Neal and Peter decided that they were going to keep the news about the adoption under wraps for a little while because there was always the slight possibility that the mother would change her mind once the baby was born. They would hold onto their hope and be happy about the whole thing, but they had to keep in mind that the birthmother might want to keep custody rather than signing off on it. Neal didn’t want to look like a liar to his son if things didn’t work in their favor. “Good morning,” Nicky said when he finally went into the kitchen.

Both men said, “Good morning,” simultaneously and then laughed at themselves.

“No offense, but why are you guys so happy?”

Neal smiled at his son and then looked at Peter. “Poppa made me really happy this morning.” And he had contributed to Neal’s happiness. Their shower had been fantastic. Peter sucked him off and then they made love against the shower wall. It was perfect in Neal’s mind and he was happy that Peter loved him enough to strive for perfection. He loved Peter for making love to him in general, but it was so much better when Peter purposely did everything he could to make it perfect.

Peter reached across the island in their kitchen to stroke Neal’s cheek and jaw. They were both really trying to make it seem like something other than sex put them in a good mood and Neal realized they were failing when Nicky started snickering. “Whoops,” Peter whispered, chuckling.

“Brat,” Neal muttered loud enough for Nicky to hear him. Nicky kept snickering at the kitchen table and Neal even started to laugh a little. “Hey, you shouldn’t even be thinking about stuff like that,” Neal said wryly. “Pain in the butt.”

“Dad, you make it really obvious.”

“I do not!”

Peter rolled his eyes when they started going ‘do not’ and ‘do to’ back and forth. “Boys, I’m going to put you both in a corner of the kitchen if you don’t knock it off,” he teased. Neal raised an eyebrow at him before his face flushed. He realized he’d been acting childish and Nicky just grinned up at his father. “Nick, try not to look into things that deeply. We had a really nice conversation together that made daddy happy.”

Nicky laughed. “Yeah. In bed.”

“I’m gonna kick your—”

“Okay, okay,” Peter said, rubbing Neal’s arm. “What daddy and I do or talk about in the bedroom is meant to _stay_ in the bedroom where little peoples’ ears shouldn’t be listening.” He felt kind of uncomfortable talking to Nicky about this. He’d felt uncomfortable before when Nicky admitted that he’d listened in on them before. Now that Nicky was older, he seemed to think he could tease them about their bedroom activities. “You, young man, need to stay in your bedroom and stop listening to me and dad while we’re in ours.”

Nicky rolled his eyes and Neal caught it. “Don’t you roll your eyes at poppa, Nicolas James.” The teenager bit his lip. He didn’t realize Neal was paying attention to him. Neal turned away a moment later to finish up with breakfast and dish it out for them all. Peter stood by the stove with Neal, resting his hand just barely above Neal’s ass. “I’m not sure what to do about _that,_ ” Neal murmured. “I never really thought about it because I always assumed he wouldn’t hear me or us.”

“Well, he heard you with your boyfriends.”

“It was only one at a time,” Neal said hurriedly, which Peter already knew.

He kissed Neal’s cheek, smiling at him. “I know. I’m just saying. He heard you then, so… He hears us now.”

“He shouldn’t though.” Peter agreed with that. They’d gotten a room far enough away from Nicky’s and that should’ve allowed them some breathing room. Neal was quieter now since he’d trained himself to take his pleasure down a couple notches, but Nicky still seemed to know.

All through breakfast there hadn’t been another word about the couple’s lovemaking. Neal was still in a good mood and Peter wanted to keep it that way as long as he could. “Do you guys want to do anything today?” he asked them. They couldn’t go out and play ball because it was cold outside and Neal banned inside play after Nicky missed catching a football Peter threw and their television ended up breaking. He put them both in the doghouse that weekend because it was a perfectly good and expensive television.

“We could play inside,” Nicky said tentatively even though he knew Neal said no to that. Staying in his room for the weekend unless he had to go to the bathroom or come out to eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner had sucked. He didn’t understand why Peter wasn’t staying in his room, but he didn’t understand that Neal took sex off the table for a couple days, which was comparable to being grounded in his room.

Neal raised an eyebrow at him from across the table and Nicky looked down. Peter glanced sideways at Neal and wanted to laugh at how fatherly Neal was sometimes. Even if that fatherly gaze was focused on him, he loved it. Neal took his parental authority seriously. If need be, he admonished Nicky—sometimes Peter, too. “You can go play on the Wii if you want to do something sporty,” Neal suggested. He turned his fatherly gaze on Peter, muttering quietly enough for his husband to hear him, “As long as you don’t throw the damn controller.”

“That only happened once,” Peter said defensively. He leaned over and pecked Neal’s lips, grinning at him. “And it was accidental, my love.”

When Nicky left to go set up the game, Neal said, “Accidental my ass, mister.”

He and Neal had been arguing that one morning and Neal was trying to find something that he knew Peter moved. The problem was that Peter couldn’t remember moving it nor did he remember where he’d moved it to. Peter and Nicky had been playing with the Wii while they were having said argument and Neal was pissed off when he realized Peter was playing a game instead of helping him. He’d accidentally thrown the controller at Neal when he whipped it off. He’d intended to toss it to the floor or couch. Hitting Neal’s chest was _not_ the target and Neal had been just a little more pissed off after that.

“I kissed it and made it all better,” Peter said, trying to get Neal to smile.

“Uh huh.” Neal rolled his eyes and got up to clean the dishes from the table. He kissed Peter’s temple as he grabbed Peter’s plate. “Kissed it and then some,” he said quietly before taking the dishes over to the sink to rinse off and put into the dishwasher.

Peter put the dishes into the dishwasher after Neal rinsed them and then they both went into the living room to play with Nicky. “Okay, so daddy’s rules are: no fits of anger, no throwing controllers, and no breaking the television.”

Neal gave him a wry smile, smacking his chest playfully before they got going.

•◊•

Nicky held his father’s hand as they stood in the cemetery together Sunday afternoon. Peter stood beside his husband, keeping his hand on his lower back to offer some support. Neal was crying silently as he listened to the small eulogy about Ellen. He’d been asked to do a eulogy and he wasn’t sure if he still wanted to do that in front of all of her friends, his father, and his family. Nicky promised he’d stand there with Neal if he went through with it and Neal really appreciated that.

When it came time for him to give his eulogy, he set flowers on Ellen’s casket, letting the tears slide down his face. Nicky was crying, too. He didn’t know Ellen very well, but he knew her well enough to know that she meant a lot to Neal. He stood in front of everyone and didn’t know what to say. “I’m…not very good at this kind of thing,” he admitted right from the start. “Ellen was like a mother to me,” he said, smiling softly. He looked down at his son and Nicky squeezed his hand. “She was always there for me when I needed her and she loved me like the son she never had. She was so sweet and family-oriented. She never treated anyone poorly if they didn’t deserve it. Justice was her middle name.” Neal blinked his tears away, laughing. “It’s going to be strange, knowing she’ll never smile or laugh again. She’ll never walk through my door with a huge smile on her face and hugs ready for me, my husband, and my son. I remember the first time she saw my little guy right here,” he said, smiling at his son. “She told me he was beautiful and told me he’d be just like me when he grew up. She slugged me on the shoulder and told me she was proud of me.” Nicky leaned into his father’s side and Neal’s arm wrapped around his shoulders. “I’m going to miss her so much,” he whispered, touching the casket gently. “I hate that she’s gone because she brightened my day. She could brighten anyone’s day. I remember speaking to one of her friends before who said the same thing.” He laughed and rubbed his eyes. “She was such a wonderful woman with a heart of gold and not a single bad bone in her. No one could _ever_ be as lovely as she was.” He slid his fingers over the glistening wooden cocoon that encased his mom. “I love you… Rest in peace, mom,” he said quietly, his lips trembling.

Nicky walked with his father, keeping their hands locked together, as they made their way back to Peter. Peter pulled Neal in for a half hug, giving Nicky the remainder of his hug. “Thank you for being with daddy,” he whispered to Nicky. Nicky smiled, rubbing his own eyes. Peter glanced at Neal and quietly asked, “Do you want to head out, hon?”

“Yeah. I…I can’t be here to see them bury her.” Peter nodded, circling his arm around Neal’s waist. Nicky kept his father’s hand in his, knowing his dad was hurting a lot. Nicky didn’t know his mom, so he didn’t cry for her. He knew that he’d cry if he lost his dad though. He tried to imagine how that would feel so he knew what his father was feeling and it wasn’t pleasant. He didn’t want to think about his father not being there one day.

The three of them went to the Taurus and got in. Neal sat in the passenger seat and was trying to calm himself down by the time Peter got in. Nicky was leaning forward, resting a hand on his dad’s shoulder. “I love you, dad,” he said quietly.

Neal smiled and reached up to rest his hand atop Nicky’s. “Love you, Nicky—so much.” He took his son’s hand and kissed his knuckles. “I really appreciate that you were standing beside me, Nicky. It meant a lot to me. I hope you know that.”

“You’re my daddy,” Nicky said softly. Peter smiled, listening to them. “I can’t leave you when you’re in pain. You never left me and I know you’ll never leave me.”

Neal was quiet for a moment. “Sometimes, you’re too mature, baby,” he said teasingly. He turned in his seat to smile at his son. “Thank you,” he whispered.

Peter took them all home and was relieved to get out of his dreary suit he’d donned for the funeral. Once he was in comfortable clothes, he laid on the bed and watched his husband. Neal was in his sweatpants and shirtless. He came to sit on the edge of the bed, sighing. “Need to talk, hon?”

“I’m not sure what to do anymore, honestly.” Peter gave him a questioning look. “Nicky’s growing up. My dad is… He’s in my life, but not as much as your dad. My mother, I could care less about whether or not she’s here, but Ellen… I don’t know what I’m going to do without her. I knew she’d pass someday, but I thought it would be naturally. It wasn’t supposed to…to end this way.”

The older man sat up and scooted over to sit beside Neal. “She wouldn’t want you to freeze up because she’s gone,” he whispered, taking Neal’s hand to hold between their thighs on the mattress. “I know she would want you to keep your head up and live, baby.”

Neal nodded. “I know she’d want that, too. I want answers though. I want to know who did this to her. I need to know who took her from me.”

“We’ll find the answers,” Peter promised. “I’m not going to let this rest until you get closure.”

“I don’t want closure,” Neal whispered. “I want my mom.”

Peter squeezed his husband’s hand gently. “I know, honey, and I’m sorry.”

Neal bowed his head abruptly and took a deep breath. He closed his eyes and kept breathing deeply and slowly. Peter didn’t know what he was doing, but he let Neal do whatever it was nonetheless. When Neal opened his eyes and raised his head, he smiled a little. “Until we get the answers, I’m going to live day by day. I need to stop letting things eat at me like this. If I keep doing that, I’ll probably give myself a stress-induced heart attack.”

“You know I hate when you say things like that,” Peter whispered.

Neal nodded. “It’s true though. I need to relax more.” He slid his hand out of Peter’s and rubbed Peter’s thigh. “You don’t deserve a husband who’s frequently caught up in his own mind. I don’t want to neglect you and your needs or concerns. You’re my husband and I need to make sure I give most of my time to you.”

He jumped at Peter, pushing his husband onto his back before straddling him. Peter raised an eyebrow, amused. “Why do you always think making love is the answer to solving your ‘negligence?’” Neal chuckled, pressing his palms against Peter’s chest. “You know I don’t feel like you’re not giving me enough attention, right? Because… I’ll have to screw you into the mattress so hard if you honestly believe you’re being inattentive.”

“At least let me grab a pillow to lay on before we do that.” Peter smirked. “In all seriousness, I do feel like I’ve been inattentive. You’re my hubby and I’ve been way too caught up in my own problems lately.” He rubbed Peter’s chest. “I know you’ve had a couple frustrating days lately. I’m sorry for not talking to you about them.”

Peter startled Neal by flipping them quickly. Neal bounced on the bed as his back hit the mattress. His eyes were wide as he stared up at Peter and then he laughed. Peter kissed him fiercely for a few moments, murmuring, “I’m going to make you so damn sore today if you keep apologizing and thinking you’re neglecting me.” Neal shivered, liking the sound of that. “You and I make love every night, Neal. You’re very attentive to what I need when we’re together.”

“I didn’t mean _sexually_ inattentive. I know I pay attention during sex,” he said wryly. “How does this sound? You make love to me and tell me about your last few days or so. Tell me what’s frustrated you or bothered you or made you happy—anything that’s on your mind. Love me and take out the frustration on me.”

Peter just stared at him silently. “You want me to abuse you?”

“No!” Neal said hurriedly. “I mean, well, kind of. I’ve cried all over you lately. The least I could do is let you pound into me if it makes you feel better.”

The older man didn’t like hearing that. “You—” Neal pleaded with his eyes. “God. You’re such a brat,” he muttered. He kissed Neal for a moment before pulling away. “I will make love with you and talk to you during it, but I’m not going to hurt you because of it.”

Neal nodded. “All right. Just tell me whatever’s on your mind. It’s my turn to listen to you for once.”

Neal stripped himself out of his sweatpants and lingerie before locking their bedroom door. Peter, having stripped himself quickly, was waiting for Neal on their bed. He had the blanket pulled back for Neal to slide in beside him.

Peter watched as Neal immediately laid on his back and waited for Peter to hover above him. When Peter did, he kissed Neal first. Neal’s hands came to rest on Peter’s shoulders, his thumbs rubbing the skin slowly. Peter was stunned when Neal broke away from the kiss and started scooting down the bed. “What’re you doing?”

“I’m gonna suck your dick,” he said as though it were obvious, which it was. Peter rolled his eyes and let Neal do what Neal wanted. “Talk.”

Peter bit the inside of his cheek when Neal licked his tip. “All right… Well, I had a really frustrating case the other day,” he started. He moaned when Neal started to suck on him. “I was working with a probie who had no idea what the hell he was doing and he wasn’t following orders at all.” Neal’s hands slid up to hold Peter’s hips, rubbing his hipbones gently while he sucked at Peter’s cock. Peter closed his eyes and imagined the way Neal looked right now. “It made me miss working with you. Like, this kid is a recent Harvard grad and he hadn’t had the slightest clue about how to go about interrogating one of our suspects.”

Neal gagged for a moment and Peter pulled away, looking down at Neal in horror. “I’m good. Sorry. Damn gag reflex.”

“You don’t have a gag reflex unless I’m literally starting to choke you.” Neal was silent. “Okay. I don’t like lying on top of you when you’re sucking me if I’m not allowed to suck you.” He waited for Neal to move before flipping over to lie on his back. Neal rolled his eyes at him and got back into position.

“Talk, love.”

Peter closed his eyes and let himself feel Neal’s hot mouth on his skin. He reached down to tangle his fingers in Neal’s hair, feeling his husband. “This kid… I told him he needed to pull his shit together because he made a damn fool out of everybody involved, including myself, and he had the nerve to make a comment.” Peter wanted to stop there, but knew Neal would press him for an answer, so he sighed, knowing Neal’s eyes were on him even as he moved. “He disrespected you and he doesn’t even know you. He knows we’re married, but he doesn’t know _you._ ” Neal didn’t really care about what people said about him anymore. He’s happy and happily married, which is all that matters to him. “He said he’s not my Ken doll and he doesn’t have to take orders from me because I’m not fucking him up the ass.”

Neal leaned back for a breather, breathing heavily for a moment. “Wow. What an asshole. I hope you told Reese.”

“Nah. I took care of the little prick myself.” Neal smiled and went back to working his tongue around his husband’s cock, teasing the slit. “I told him I didn’t have a Ken doll and said you aren’t taking orders from me because we’re physically intimate. I told him he can go fuck himself.” Neal was impressed. He knew Peter would always stick up for him, but Peter wasn’t really one to say ‘fuck yourself’ unless he was teasing Neal or really pissed off with somebody else. “I put him on report and he’s making excessive coffee runs for you for the next month and a half at your request.”

Neal laughed throatily, causing exhilarating sensations to flow through Peter. Neal’s laugh nearly made him come in his husband’s mouth on the spot. Neal pulled away again, knowing Peter was ready to take him. “Keep talking. I’ll prep myself.”

Peter raised an eyebrow. Neal reached over for their lube and opened it, coating his middle and index fingers the way Peter always did. He found it very arousing to watch Neal play with himself and Neal knew that. “All right. Uh… Okay.” He watched Neal raptly as the younger man tried not to take too much pleasure in what he was doing to himself. “I was talking to Diana on Friday and you know I’ve had her sitting on Craig since everything started happening lately.” Neal nodded, looking at his husband while he slicked himself. “She told me Craig was bitching about how horny he was and asked if he could borrow _you._ I want to go down there so badly and punch the bastard in the face. You have no idea how badly I want to maul him.” Neal gave him a small smile. “Nobody has the right to talk about you like that. I don’t give a damn who they think they are. You’re my husband and I refuse to let them talk about you like you’re something other than a human being.”

“Craig doesn’t deserve the time of day from you,” Neal whispered. “If you go down there, you’re giving him what he wants. He’s trying to get a rise out of you and he’s probably hoping I’ll get pissed off and go down there myself.”

The older man hadn’t considered what Neal was thinking. He thought about it while Neal finished opening himself up and flopped down onto his back, staring at Peter with a small smile on his face. Peter slicked himself before turning over to hover over his husband. He kissed Neal passionately for a moment. “I don’t like it when people say things about you,” he whispered. “You’re a wonderful and very beautiful man and I—”

“Babe, this is supposed to help _you_ feel better. I’m not looking for an ego boost.”

Peter raised an eyebrow once again. He shifted Neal’s legs a bit and slowly slid into his husband, watching his face. There was a brief moment of pain and then Neal was fine after that. Peter slowly rocked against Neal, loving that he could have Neal this way—loving that he was the only one to have Neal this way. “Complimenting you makes me feel better,” he murmured, kissing Neal’s nose. “I look at you and I know I’m happy. I’ve got an amazing husband and an amazing son and we’re going to have another amazing son or daughter in the near future, I hope.”

Neal stroked Peter’s cheek, arching his back up from the mattress when Peter hit his prostate for the first time. Peter took advantage of Neal’s position, sliding his left arm underneath his husband to hold him close. “Well, I hope you know you’re the best husband any man could ask for.”

He didn’t want to believe Neal, but he knew he made Neal happy. If he made Neal happy, then he was doing everything right. “When I thought about what Craig said to Diana, I was infuriated. He degraded you in so many ways and I loathe his existence. I wish he’d suffocate on his own breath sometimes.” Peter didn’t realize he’d thrust into his husband roughly in that moment. It’d been very brief, but still hurt Neal nonetheless. The younger man hid it well though, knowing Peter would never intentionally hurt him.

“Hey,” Neal whispered. “You’re above him. What he did to me is in the past. He can talk about it all he likes because it’s just a bunch of talk.” Peter frowned. “He hurt me, but he can’t hurt me now. You’re here to protect me.”

“I wasn’t there to protect you then,” Peter growled. Neal couldn’t stop himself from crying out in pain then. Peter’s eyes widened. “Holy shit,” he whispered. “Neal, I—”

Neal sucked in a deep breath, closing his eyes. “I’m okay. Just focus on talking, love.”

“I can’t. I can’t vent and make love to you at the same time. Neal, I don’t want to hurt you.”

The younger man pulled Peter’s shoulders down when he tried to get up. “Stay,” he demanded. “I said I’m fine, babe. Don’t worry about me.” Peter closed his eyes and kissed Neal’s throat, rocking against him at an easygoing pace. Neal was quiet, waiting for Peter to talk. “Peter, you—”

“I’m going to make love to you without saying another word,” he whispered. “You’re my husband and I love you to death. I want to show you that.” He stared into Neal’s eyes, willing Neal to concede. “I promise we’ll talk afterwards, but I can’t… I can’t multitask during this. I’m not going to hurt you because I’m pissed at other people.” Neal nodded, seeing the sincerity in Peter’s eyes. “Can we do this in a different position?” Neal swallowed, nodding silently. Peter moved away and Neal did the one thing that Peter never wanted him to do. He got on his hands and knees and turned away from Peter. The older man stared at his husband, horrified. “No. We are _never_ using that position,” he said fiercely. He tugged Neal towards himself, holding Neal so that Neal’s back was pressed against his chest. “I will _never_ do that to you.”

Neal looked up at him, uncertain. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do. He had this slight feeling that Peter was upset with him and he’d moved to fit the mood, which he realized now was wrong. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

Peter kissed Neal’s shoulder, rubbing his chest. “I will never make love to you if you’re facing away from me,” he promised his husband. “I won’t put you through that.” Neal nodded, his heart pounding in his chest. This was the first time he’d done that with Peter and he definitely hadn’t expected Peter to react so strongly to it. Peter breathed shakily as he mouthed Neal’s throat. After a few quiet moments, Neal turned in Peter’s arms. Peter sat back, gently pulling Neal with him.

Neal understood now and he moved without having to ask or guess what Peter wanted. He mounted Peter, getting as comfortable as he could manage. His legs ran past Peter’s body. Peter really wanted to be close to him, so he wrapped his arms around Peter’s neck and smiled lovingly at his husband, hoping he was helping the mood somehow. Peter’s arms wound around Neal’s waist and he returned the smile before kissing Neal. He thrust very slowly into Neal while they lazily kissed each other. “I love you,” Neal murmured against Peter’s mouth, his eyes closed lightly. He pressed his forehead against Peter’s and just let them have this moment for themselves and their marriage.

•◊•

Neal woke up early Monday morning. He was up at four-thirty because he thought he heard something and he’d startled awake. He stared at his husband who was snoring quietly beneath him. Their bodies were still connected and he had no intention of moving despite the slight discomfort. He knew that he’d wake Peter up the moment he moved off of him. He just laid there, listening to Peter’s even breathing, feeling Peter’s heartbeat underneath his palm.

He closed his eyes and relaxed. Peter talked to him about a lot of things, opened up about so many things Neal didn’t realize Peter was keeping to himself. Peter was severely stressed out while trying to track down Adler and find Ellen’s murderer as well as keeping his family safe. Neal didn’t realize he was putting Peter through so much, but Peter told him he didn’t regret doing any of those things. He made sure Neal understood that Neal is his priority, but Neal knew Peter needed to take a breather himself.

Peter’s hand twitched on Neal’s lower back and Neal’s eyes opened. He hoped Peter wasn’t awake. They’d only gotten to sleep around one in the morning and Peter needed to rest. Fortunately, Peter was still asleep. He’d just twitched in his sleep and he seemed to relax once both of his hands were on Neal’s back. Neal took comfort in that small subconscious gesture, knowing Peter wanted to protect him even in his sleep.

He went back to sleep, wishing he could run away with Peter and Nicky—take them somewhere where they’d never be found, somewhere they’d be safe. He wished things were different in their lives. He wished he’d never been raped because he wanted to live happily and calmly with his family. Neal hated being the center of attention. He never wanted the spotlight and certainly not because of his past. Things had to get better. He kept telling himself that and he hoped that there would finally be a day where he could say ‘ _things did get better._ ’


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter and Neal meet with the mother who chose them; Neal does something very heroic for a case.

The following Friday, Neal and Peter met with the social worker Neal had spoken to on the phone the weekend prior as well as when he’d initially started looking into the adoption process. She’d been very helpful throughout the process and she herself had been depressed when she made the call to inform them that they were wait-listed. She knew the Burkes would be excited to hear the good news and she’d spoken to the mother who seemed enthusiastic about the two.

She led them to a room where the mother was and left them to talk to her. Neal was surprised to see how young the mother was, but he wasn’t going to judge her. She smiled at them and Neal started the introductions when Peter stood beside him with increasing tension. He hadn’t gone with Neal before, so he wasn’t sure what to expect. “I’m Neal Burke and this is my husband Peter,” he said amicably, extending his hand towards the mother.

The mother shook his hand. “My name’s Karen Walters.” Neal gestured for her to take a seat on the couch while he and Peter grabbed chairs and brought them over. “I read the file on you guys when my social worker started showing me potential parents. I really liked what I was reading and I wanted to see it for myself.” She glanced between the two for a moment. “I read that you already have one son and I’m assuming he’s biologically one of yours?”

Peter glanced at Neal and Neal gave him a wry smile. “He’s biologically my son, yes, but we think of Nicky as _our_ son. We went through the second parent adoption process after Peter and I got married, so he’s legally my son’s father as well.”

Karen smiled at him. She seemed really taken by Neal and Peter noticed. It was a good thing Neal did this before because he certainly wasn’t being very helpful with the conversation. The most he’d been doing was pushing things off on Neal and frequently finding himself touching Neal’s back or holding Neal’s hand. “You two seem like a good, lasting couple. If I’m allowed to ask, where’s your son’s mother? She gave her rights up?”

“She died during childbirth,” Neal said quietly. Karen looked apologetic almost immediately. “Honestly, I never would’ve met my son if she hadn’t died. His mother never told me I’d gotten her pregnant…” He sighed shakily. Even after all these years, some little part of himself still believed he was to blame for Kate’s death. “I guess she realized something might happen. She’d listed me as the father and I eventually took a paternity test to confirm that he was mine.”

She looked shocked and Neal wasn’t sure if he’d fucked up royally. “That had to be one hell of an experience.”

Neal chuckled, feeling his face heat up a little. “Very much so.” He glanced at Peter for a moment. “I knew early on that I’m gay, so I came to terms with the realization that I wasn’t going to have biological children. I wasn’t aware of or able to pay for surrogacy at the time. Even after I learned about it, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to put that kind of pressure on a woman. She’d end up parting with the baby she’d carry for me and…” He looked at Peter again, seeing the small smile that most likely meant he’d been speaking too much. “Sorry,” he said apologetically. “I’m rambling.”

She shook her head and giggled. “No, you’re fine,” she said softly. “You must be a really good dad.”

For the first time since arriving, Peter contributed. He rubbed Neal’s thigh and met his husband’s eyes. “He _is._ He’s an exceptional father.” Neal gave him a small, appreciative smile. “Nicky’s thirteen now and he was just about to turn nine when I met him. He’s a really good kid, very sensitive and loving—like his father.” Neal grinned, blushing a bit. He really liked hearing Peter talk about Nicky that way. He always sounded like he adored their son and that made Neal happy. “He’d be a great big brother, I think.”

“Wow. You two have a thirteen year old?” Neal and Peter both nodded. Neal guessed that she was about sixteen or seventeen. She looked really young and Neal was actually kind of proud of her for looking for a specific family for her baby. “I’m fifteen. He and I could be friends,” she said, laughing. Neal chuckled. Peter was stunned when she said her age. He didn’t realize she was _that_ young. “In all seriousness, I really like you guys. My baby’s father is… He’s got a lot of problems. I left him before I told him about the baby, but my social worker wants me to talk to him so he can make the decision to sign his rights off like I’m hoping he will.”

Peter rubbed Neal’s thigh again. “Drug problems?” Neal asked gently.

She nodded. “Drug, alcohol, emotional problems. He’s just all around a bad guy and I don’t want my baby anywhere near him.” Neal’s heart ached for her as well as the baby. He didn’t like that she’d had to put up with a guy like that and he was also concerned about the baby’s health. “I’m positive he won’t want the baby and I know I can’t take care of it.”

“I can speak for us both when I say we’ll give him or her all the love in the world if you give us the opportunity to care for your baby,” Peter said. “No one is more dedicated to parenting than Neal, I assure you. I’m learning all that I can with him and I’ll be able to raise this baby with him from the beginning.”

Karen smiled. “Oh, I know you’ll both be great parents. It’s not every family that has _two_ FBI agents.” Her smile widened when Neal and Peter chuckled. “You’re both federal agents and you have a stable home life with a son. The moment you two walked in, I knew you were perfect.” Neal smiled up at his husband and Peter took his hand. “You’re both gentlemen and obviously dedicated to each other.”

“More than you know,” Peter whispered, staring directly at Neal.

The conversation continued from there, turning into an inquiry about how her pregnancy was going thus far and she’d asked if she could see a picture of their son, which Neal readily provided. She was instantly awed by how cute Nicky looked—cute and very healthy. She could tell that he was definitely Neal’s because they looked alike. “I won’t even be looking into other couples, so I assure you that your position is secure,” she told them as their conversation was coming to a close.

Neal stood when she did and extended his hand once again, but she tentatively pulled him into a hug. “We truly appreciate this, Karen. Thank you,” he said softly, squeezing her gently. She gave Peter a similar hug and said goodbye to them both before showing them out.

As they made their way outside to the Taurus, Neal was vibrating with excitement and Peter couldn’t help smiling at that. When they got to the car, he knew Neal couldn’t get in with all of that pent up joy without exploding. He unlocked the car on the passenger side and pulled his husband against him, hugging him tightly. “I’m so glad this is going well,” he said, kissing Neal’s throat.

“We’ll just have to wait and see what happens when she tells the father,” Neal said. “If he tries to take custody, she’ll have to fight him in court. Nothing you or I do will speed the process along nor will it guarantee anything, so we need to keep our minds open to this and just…be patient, I guess.”

Peter nodded, leaning back to stroke Neal’s hair. “I agree. Things are looking good, but you’re right.” He held Neal’s hip with his right hand, rubbing his thumb just below Neal’s belt. “I love you, baby.”

Neal smiled. “I love you, too.” Peter pecked Neal’s lips, then his forehead before letting Neal finally get into the car. He drove them home, his fingers intertwined with Neal’s.

•◊•

Neal stared intently at his computer screen, reading through multiple reports linked to a case he’d picked up a few days ago. He rubbed his knuckles over his lips subconsciously, scanning through the names and details. There were a few reports about a man kidnapping young boys on the streets and it made him wonder if Adler was going after random victims to pull him out. He closed his eyes and kept seeing the pictures of the children who’d gone missing. He remembered his own missing poster and hated the fact that his mother gave them one of his happier photos that was surprisingly up to date at the time.

These children were too young, too innocent. They were between seven and ten and it made him sick. If Adler was using these children to pull him out, he needed to end this. He couldn’t let Adler hurt them.

Breathing deeply, he lifted his head and glanced over to his right on the desk. He looked up at Peter’s office, finding his husband looking very busy. Peter didn’t know about this case he’d snatched up for himself, but he was considering pulling Peter in. The last time he’d taken a case without Peter’s knowledge, their marriage—though they’d only been engaged at the time—nearly ended. Two years into their marriage, Neal didn’t want to lose his husband.

He grabbed his gun and put it into the harness underneath his suit jacket, rising from his seat. He went up to Peter’s office and knocked on the door, swallowing hard. Peter looked up from his paperwork looking exhausted and then he smiled. “Hey, gorgeous.”

“Hey, handsome,” he said, chuckling. “Can I come in for a sec?”

“Of course.” Peter set his papers aside and looked up at Neal as Neal neared his desk. “Everything okay, baby?”

Neal shook his head. “No, to be honest.” Peter’s brows furrowed, but he nodded, gesturing for Neal to take a seat. “I pulled a case about kids being kidnapped. I want to go take a look, but I… I don’t want to go alone.”

“You think it’s Vincent?” Neal nodded slowly. “You know I’ll go with you, honey.” Neal gave him a small, appreciative smile as Peter got up and pulled his suit jacket back on. Neal took the liberty of grabbing Peter’s gun, phone, and keys from the desk, holding them for a moment. Peter turned towards him and smirked, taking the gun first to tuck into his harness. He set his phone in the pocket of his suit jacket and curled Neal’s fingers over the keys. “You take the wheel on this one, baby.”

They made their way down to the first floor and outside, heading to the Taurus. “What I’ve gathered in the reports I’ve read is that the children he’s kidnapped—”

Peter paused and Neal did moments after, turning to face him. “He’s kidnapping children? You said kids. When you say children, you usually mean younger than Nicky. How old are they?”

Neal frowned. “Between seven and ten. That’s why we need to find him, Peter.” Peter nodded, walking towards Neal again. They continued towards the Taurus and Neal was getting Peter caught up even as they got in. “They were all kidnapped around west eighty-sixth and usually during the night. NYPD has been patrolling the area, but they haven’t found anything useful.”

Peter kept his eyes on Neal as Neal drove them up to west eighty-sixth. He knew this was scaring Neal, but he knew Neal felt like he needed to take responsibility for these children’s lives. He would never discourage that in Neal. He understood the reasons behind it and he was proud of Neal for them. Neal startled for a split second and then turned the police scanner’s volume up in the Taurus. Peter hadn’t been listening to it because he’s been too worried about Neal, but he listened now. The man on the scanner was reporting another kidnapping in the area and Neal stepped on the gas. “Honey, you need to slow down,” he said tentatively, watching buildings, people, and other landmarks pass them by far too quickly for his liking.

One look at Neal told him that his husband wasn’t listening to him. He was only hearing the scanner as it detailed the situation at hand and he was driving in the direction that all of this was happening in.

Upon arriving on west eighty-sixth, he drove down near the Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis Reservoir and parked, getting out almost immediately. Peter followed him and watched as Neal’s eyes darted all over the area. He knew the house the child had been taken from was nearby. Neal’s gun was in his hands the moment he heard a little boy screaming for help and he was sprinting towards the scream even as it muffled and vanished. His heart was racing and he didn’t even register Peter trying to catch up with him.

Neal raced through the area towards the reservoir and saw a man looming over the water. “FBI!” he yelled. The man spun to look at him before darting off. Neal realized it wasn’t Adler immediately, but he wouldn’t let this man get away nonetheless. He’d let Peter’s shooter get away because he’d been concerned with saving his husband’s life and they still hadn’t found said shooter to this day. This was another bastard he couldn’t let slip away. He closed one eye and followed the man as he ran, shooting without moving. In seconds, the man was on the ground, howling in pain. Peter caught up to Neal, breathless. “Go get him. I’m gonna find the—” Neal’s eyes widened and he took off for the water. He dropped his gun and was taking his suit jacket and harness off as he ran. Once he was freed of the few things that would hinder him, he dove into the water.

Neal’s heart clenched as he thought about what was happening to the little boy the man had kidnapped. The screams vanished and that terrified him. He didn’t want to be too late. Though his chest was physically starting to ache as he dove deeper into the water, he kept going. He could see the child and he, luckily, had his pocketknife on him. For once, he was glad he didn’t take it out of his pants pocket.

Peter was stunned for a moment before doing as Neal asked. He sprinted towards the man who was trying to scramble to get up. Promptly, Peter dropped down to his knee, digging it into the man’s lower back. “Bastard,” he hissed, grabbing the man’s arms. He pulled them behind him and handcuffed him. “You’ve been kidnapping them?” The man grunted. “Sick son of a bitch,” Peter growled, turning towards the reservoir. Thus far, Neal hadn’t resurfaced and he himself was beginning to panic.

Fortunately, NYPD came and took the man Peter cuffed to one of the cruisers. Peter neared the water just as Neal came up, gasping for breath with a little boy sputtering water and gasping against him. He swam as best he could towards where Peter was at and Peter pulled the boy up from Neal’s arms and set him down gently, then he pulled his husband out, looking him over quickly. Neal was on his knees seconds later, brushing the boy’s hair out of his eyes. “Hey,” Neal said softly. Peter realized the boy was crying hysterically. Neal slicked his hair back so he could make direct eye contact with the boy. “Look at me. C’mon, kiddo. Look at me.” The boy met Neal’s eyes and Neal smiled a little. “You’re okay. I promise.”

Peter took his suit jacket off and wrapped it around the shivering little boy. “Y-You saved me,” the kid said, awed.

Neal nodded, dismissing the suggestion that he was a hero immediately. He was more concerned about the boy than he was about being a hero. He pulled the suit jacket around the boy tighter, continuing to stroke his hair, which seemed to help him calm down a bit. “Jamie!” a woman screamed. Neal looked up as the woman started sprinting towards them.

“Mom!” The boy got to his feet, holding the suit jacket as his mom pulled him in for a hug. 

She was kissing his face and hair as she cried, relieved that he was still alive. Neal looked up at Peter and Peter met his eyes, seeing the haunted look in his husband’s blue eyes. Neal rose to his feet, dripping as he stood in front of Peter. “I… The other kids…” Neal’s voice sounded strangled, the complete opposite of how he’d sounded when he was talking to the little boy. “Peter, they’re down there.” Peter’s heart ached as Neal’s heart broke on his face. “He didn’t see them, but they’re anchored down at the bottom.”

“Jesus Christ.” Even though Neal was soaking wet, he pulled his husband close, letting him cry silently against his shoulder. Peter rubbed Neal’s back, feeling on the verge of tears himself. He couldn’t imagine the sight Neal saw down there nor did he want to. Like Neal, he always pictured Nicky in place of another child. Thinking about Nicky floating under the water with all of his life drained out of him from being asphyxiated made him _want_ to cry. Thinking about Nicky drowning made him think about Neal’s suicide attempt and that thought was no more comforting than the first. “Honey,” he whispered, kissing Neal’s neck. “There was nothing you could’ve done.”

Neal breathed shakily against his husband, nodding. “Excuse me.” Neal backed away from Peter, rubbing his eyes quickly. “You saved my son?” Neal nodded and was shocked when the woman hugged him tightly. “Thank you so much.”

“It was no problem at all,” he whispered, returning the hug gently. When she returned her focus to her son, Peter walked with Neal to retrieve Neal’s gun, harness, and suit jacket. Neal slipped his suit jacket on, shivering a bit. He tucked his gun into his harness and held it out for Peter to take. The older man held it, knowing Neal was jittery enough at the moment. The last thing Neal wanted was a gun at the moment.

An ambulance arrived a few minutes later and Peter had the boy and his mother as well as Neal near it within moments of its arrival. He threw a blanket around Neal, staring into his eyes as he pulled it tighter around the younger man’s body. The boy’s mother wrapped her son up in another blanket, whispering how grateful she was that he was safe.

Peter reported what Neal told him to a few of the officers and a team was on their way to retrieve the bodies.

Neal sat on the ambulance, holding his head in his hand, breathing slowly. “Hey,” Peter said quietly as he neared the younger man. “Neal?”

“I couldn’t save them,” he whispered. “I saw them and could do nothing.”

Peter stood in front of Neal, stroking Neal’s wet hair. “No one knew they were taken there, honey. No one could have saved them, so, please, don’t blame yourself,” he said softly. “You saved that little boy over there and he’s so thankful for that.”

Neal glanced at the boy and his mother, watching her fuss over him, telling him to stop unwrapping the blanket so he could stay warm. It made him smile. Peter noticed and glanced over, keeping his hand on his husband’s head. “I did that,” Neal said quietly.

“Yes. You did.”

The boy’s mother came over to them once her son finally stopped messing with the blanket. She held the suit jacket out and Peter lowered his hand from Neal’s hair to take it from her. “I owe you so much,” she said to Neal. “You risked your life by saving my baby.” Neal shook his head and said he was doing what he knew he needed to do and she cut him off. “Please, let me repay you somehow. I can’t just let you walk away without thanking you—I don’t even know your name.”

Neal gave her a small smile, holding his hand out. “Special Agent Neal Burke, ma’am,” he said politely. “I—” He looked at Peter and corrected himself. “ _We_ are fathers ourselves and we’d do the same for our son—we’d want someone to do the same if we weren’t able to,” he whispered. “Neither of us could imagine how we’d feel if our baby were in your son’s place.”

“The world needs more people like you,” she said, awed. “Thank you, Special Agent Burke. Tell me what I can do to—”

“Love him unconditionally and protect him,” he said softly, smiling at the boy. Returning his gaze to the mother, he nodded. “All I ask is that you keep doing what you’re doing. You reported the incident immediately and that gave us time to get to your son. Thank you for being a good mom.”

Peter and the mother watched as the boy came over, took Neal’s hand, and dragged Neal back a little ways to talk to him. “You two are together?” the mother asked gently, looking up at Peter. Peter nodded, keeping his eyes on Neal. “He’s a wonderful man. I wish Jamie’s father were like your husband.”

“Neal is a wonderful man,” Peter whispered. “I’ve never seen him jump into action that quickly before and I’ve very proud of him. If he hadn’t acted as quickly as he did, your son might not have had a chance.” She nodded, laughing lightly when her son grabbed Neal’s hand and put a rock into his palm.

“That’s his way of thanking people,” she said.

Peter smiled. “How old is he?”

“Eight.”

He felt sick, thinking that little boy might have drowned if Neal weren’t fast enough. “Our son is thirteen,” he said quietly. “Neal will never let anything happen to a child if he’s able to stop it.”

“You don’t find men like him every day,” she whispered.

“No,” he agreed. “You don’t.”

When the two came back to them, Neal was smiling, the rock still in his closed palm. “Agent Neal is awesome!” Neal chuckled, shaking his head. “He’s like Aquaman, mom. He can swim really fast and breathe underwater!” Peter stared lovingly at his husband, knowing how this was hitting him. “He’s a new superhero and I’m gonna make a comic about him.”

Neal encouraged the little boy’s imagination. “Oh? What’s my superhero name?”

Jamie paused to think about it. “King Aqua!” Neal laughed and nodded. “Do you like it?”

“Oh, yeah. I’ll have to tell my son and have him call me that when I tell him to take a bath,” he said, grinning.

“His name is Prince Aqua!” All three of the adults laughed that time. Peter walked over to Neal, wrapping an arm around him. Jamie stared at Peter really hard. “You can’t be King Aqua because he’s King Aqua and you can’t be Queen Aqua…” Peter smiled at the boy.

Jamie was trying really hard to think of a superhero name for Peter and Peter found it really amusing. “How about King Aqua’s husband? I think that’s a decent name.”

“It’s so long,” the boy whined. “King Peteraqua.” Peter raised an eyebrow at the boy. “He said your name is Peter. You guys live underwater, so you need aqua in your name.”

Peter chuckled, kissing Neal’s temple. “I like it,” he said quietly.

Peter and Neal hurried them out of the area after all of the thanks from the mother and Jamie once the retrieval team was on the scene and they themselves left. Neal didn’t think he could handle any more of it. By the time they were leaving, it was time to get Nicky from school, so they’d head right over to pick him up. Neal was driving and Peter couldn’t take his eyes off of him. At a red light, Neal glanced over. “What?” he asked.

“I’m so in love with you,” he whispered, “and very proud of the man you are.”

Neal blushed, taking off when the light turned green. “I was just doing my job.”

Peter rolled his eyes. “You’re the man of the day, damn it. Don’t sell yourself short here. You saved that little boy’s life.” Neal ducked his head, trying not to take too much pride in what he did. He didn’t want to be the kind of guy who gets caught up in and blinded by his victories. “You—” He saw how Neal held the rock in his right hand and chuckled. “Look at you, you little brat.” Neal raised an eyebrow. “You know damn well you did something amazing.”

“It’s what I would have wanted someone to do for my son if he were that little boy. I’ve told you before that I’ll stop something if I’m able to.”

Peter reached over and brushed his knuckles over Neal’s cheek. “King Aqua saves the day,” he said, adoration coloring his tone. Neal gave him a wry smile, knowing deep down that he was that little boy’s hero.

•◊•

“And daddy leapt into the water to save him without giving it a second thought. He was truly amazing.” Nicky giggled as Neal rolled his eyes. Neal was laying on his back on the couch, holding a book over himself to read. His legs were across Peter’s lap and Peter’s hands were rubbing them gently. “Daddy’s a hero.”

Nicky darted over to the couch his fathers were on and kissed Neal’s forehead. “He’s my hero before anyone else’s,” he said, sounding really jealous of the other boy. Neal closed his book and laid it on his stomach, smiling at his son.

Peter rubbed Neal’s calves, looking at his husband lovingly. “I’ll always be your hero,” Neal promised Nicky. “Whenever you need me, I’ll be right there.”

A little while later, Nicky put a movie on for them all to watch. Neal’s head was in Peter’s lap and Nicky was lying between Neal and the back of the couch, his head on Neal’s chest. Peter stroked Neal’s hair, unable to take his eyes off of him. He always found a reason to love Neal more and rescuing Jamie was added to that list. Neal hummed along to the music playing in the movie and Peter chuckled when Nicky joined him.

He loved these two and he always found himself thinking he was so very lucky to have taken both of their hearts. Without Nicky’s, he’d never have gotten Neal’s. Neal said he was the lucky one, but Peter knew he had a lot he needed to prove and show when he started dating Neal. Nick was such a huge factor in their relationship and he was thrilled to see that everything was still the same after four years.

When the movie was over, Neal herded Nicky upstairs to have him brush his teeth and get ready for bed while he turned off the television and was heading out to the kitchen to grab a drink before heading to bed. Peter followed Nicky upstairs and went into his own bedroom to wait for Neal. Nicky came into the room after he’d finished brushing his teeth and jumped on the big bed and Peter wondered why Neal wasn’t upstairs yet.

Just as he was considering sliding out of bed, Neal came in. “’Bout time you got up here, dad.”

Neal smiled wryly at his son. “Shouldn’t you be in _your_ bed?” Nicky giggled. “Say good night to poppa, silly kid.”

Nicky moved over towards Peter and pecked his lips, grinning when he said, “Good night, poppa.”

“Good night, Nicky.”

Nicky slid off of the bed and realized Neal wasn’t looking for a good night kiss. He grabbed his dad’s arm and pulled him down to give him a kiss anyway. Neal chuckled. “Good night, daddy.”

“Night night, baby,” he whispered, watching his son leave the room.

“You gonna say good night to poppa, too?” Peter winked at him.

Neal raised an eyebrow, amused. “Only if he tires me out first.” Neal shut the door and Peter slid off of the bed. They both undressed themselves before crawling into bed together. “Hey, there’s a Yankees game on tonight, right?” Peter stared at him, wondering how Neal knew that since he had no interest in the sport whatsoever. “Don’t look at me like I’ve grown a second head,” he muttered. “Do you want to watch it?”

“If you promise you’ll behave this time.” Neal grinned and flopped down onto the pillows, reaching over to hand the remote to Peter. The older man turned the game on and tugged on Neal’s arm until Neal conceded and curled up against him, mostly lying on top of him. “What made you want to watch the game?”

Neal glanced up at him. “Um, unless my husband hates baseball now, I kind of figured he’d want to watch it.”

“Smartass.”

The younger man laughed. “I’m serious. I have a schedule for the games on my phone and I realized one was on tonight, so… I asked if you’d like to watch it.” Peter rubbed Neal’s arm, smiling at him. “I try to pay attention to stuff like that. I may not watch the game entirely, but I try to look out for things you like. Baseball is your thing, so… I’ve made it our thing.”

Peter tangled his fingers in his husband’s hair. “That’s really sweet of you. I’ll find a gay reality show for you to watch.” Neal smacked his chest and pushed himself up, laughing.

“You are _such_ a dick!” He kept laughing and Peter smiled up at him. “I flip to a reality show one time…” He rolled over and Peter knew he was just messing around. Neal pretended to pout while smiling to himself.

The older man spooned him, kissing his shoulder. “Awe, baby. I didn’t mean to insult your poor taste of television.” Peter smiled when Neal twisted around to kiss him. “Silly man.”

Neal chuckled. “You’re lucky I’m not into reality shows. They’re so stupid.” Peter nodded, kissing the younger man. “I’ve got enough of a reality show here in my own home. I don’t think I could sit through an actual show.”

Peter mock-gasped. “You found out I’m sleeping with your brother? Shit!”

Neal gave him a wry smile. “You’re an ass.” He kissed Peter again, murmuring, “I’m sleeping with your sister,” against his lips. Peter laughed and rolled onto his back, pulling Neal with him. “Mike likes you, but he doesn’t like you _that_ much, babe. I know my family well enough.”

“Are you saying you’re the only man capable of making another man bi-curious?” Neal raised an eyebrow and Peter sighed contentedly. “I love you—I love _that._ It’s nice to mess around with you.”

Neal smiled as they both fixed the bed up since they’d been rolling all over it. They curled up together and finally started watching the game. “If you ever sleep with my brother, I will murder you, Peter Michael Burke.”

Peter rolled his eyes. “Ew. I would not sleep with your brother. He’s, like, twenty years younger than me.” Peter paused. “He _is_ twenty years younger than me.”

“Hence the reason I would kill you.”

The older man kissed Neal’s forehead. “I’ve only got one beautiful man on my mind at all times and he’s sharing a bed with me right now.” He slid his hand down Neal’s back, smiling down at his husband. “A bed and his heart.”

Neal looked up at him, returning the smile. “We’ll always share a bed and you know you’ll always have my heart, love,” he whispered. “I love you with all of it.”

Peter rubbed Neal’s warm back, leaning his head against Neal’s. Neal placed his hand over Peter’s heart, moving his fingers idly over his husband’s bare chest every now and then. Neal started asking Peter a few questions as the baseball game progressed and Peter loved him for trying to get into it, for trying to understand one thing Peter grew up loving. He found Neal really adorable when Neal recognized errors the announcers were making because Neal started yelling at the television just like Peter always did. Peter couldn’t even yell at the screen because he was too caught up in adoring his husband.

When Neal relaxed, Peter rubbed his shoulder. “You’re so cute,” he whispered. “And really sexy. I like when you’re all fired up like that.” Neal gave him a wry smile, laying his head on Peter’s chest to continue watching the game with him. He was starting to understand the game a little more and he felt a little closer to Peter since he’d finally opened himself up to the sport Peter fell in love with as a kid.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal has a severe panic attack and needs more than just Peter's support.

Neal was moving things around in the living room, cleaning up after his husband and son who’d played very hard on the Wii the previous night and left quite the mess. “So, did Peter ask you to babysit me?” he asked, glancing over his shoulder. Mozzie was sitting on their couch, sipping wine from the stash _only_ he and Peter were supposed to know about.

“No one _asks_ me to do anything,” the older man muttered. “I came because I thought you might want some company.”

Neal rolled his eyes and smiled wryly. “Uh huh. I know Peter can’t lie directly to my face, so I’ll get the answers I’m looking for when he comes back home.” Mozzie crossed his arms, sitting defiantly on the couch. Neal fixed the blankets and pillows.

Mozzie just watched his best friend, amused by how domesticated he was. “Quite the housemaid, I see.” Neal raised an eyebrow, standing upright with his hands on his hips. “Has Suit gotten you an outfit to go along with your household duties?”

The younger man lowered the waistband of his sweatpants just enough to reveal his lacy lingerie. Mozzie looked at him, stunned. “If this counts as an outfit, then yes.” He smirked when Mozzie’s face flushed. “Still a prude.” There was no further comment on that and Neal felt like he’d earned himself a victory. He fixed his pants and went about picking up Peter’s papers that were lying all over the table.

There was a long silence as Mozzie observed Neal. He’d been talking to Neal off and on, but he’d spoken to Peter more often than not. Neal wouldn’t usually tell him if he weren’t feeling up to par, but he’d always get the truth from Neal’s husband. He raised an eyebrow when he saw Neal cringe while he was walking. “Did the Suits host the Olympics in bed last night?” Neal glared at him. “Looks like he went downhill rapidly.”

“Sometimes I really, _really_ wonder how we’re still friends after all this time,” Neal deadpanned. Mozzie only smiled. “I feel good when I’m with him,” he whispered after a few minutes. Mozzie’s attention flew back to his friend who kept moving about the room, eventually taking his compulsive cleaning to the dining room next. “I know you know about the flashbacks because Peter told you. I’ve been afraid to be alone, but I feel safe with Peter. Even when we’re in bed, I don’t even think about _them._ It’s just me and Peter.”

Mozzie got up and followed Neal into the dining room. He was surprised that Neal was opening up to him. “That’s great, Neal. I’m assuming that’s a huge improvement in the bedroom activities?” Neal sighed and Mozzie decided to tone his teasing down a bit. “Before, you and Suit weren’t very comfortable in the bedroom?”

Neal rubbed his eye and Mozzie wondered if he’d upset his friend. “It’s not really that I was uncomfortable with him. I loved him then as much as I love him now, but it was difficult not to think about Craig and Vincent.” He finally stopped and put his hands on the back of Peter’s dining room chair, bowing his head. “Honestly, I was scared to be alone with another man for at least five years following the day I ran away from home. For me to bounce back from Craig the way I have, I think it’s really… I think I’m a little stronger now than I was when I was a teenager heading into my twenties.” Mozzie nodded and noticed when Neal’s lips trembled for a few moments. He had the sudden urge to get Peter on the phone. “It’s strange to think that it’ll be three years in May.”

“You’re keeping track of how much time has passed?”

“It’s hard to forget,” Neal whispered, glancing warily at his friend. “Vincent raped me on April twenty-first—a month after my thirteenth birthday—in nineteen-ninety. Nicky was born February twenty-seventh in two thousand. Peter and I started dating August twenty-eighth of oh-nine. Craig raped me on the…seventeenth, I believe, of May in twenty-ten. Peter and I were married on August twenty-eighth of twenty-eleven.” Mozzie stared at him, horrified. He expected Neal to remember the dates relevant to his and Peter’s relationship and _obviously_ his son’s birthday, but he didn’t realize Neal remembered the dates when he’d initially been raped both times as well. Neal noticed the look Mozzie was giving him and blinked rapidly, shaking his head. “Sorry. Sorry. I’ll… I’m gonna go clean the kitchen.” He darted off towards the kitchen and Mozzie felt bad.

Neal hadn’t let him into this part of his life very much, so he didn’t know what to do for Neal. Peter knew how to help him more than anyone did. Following him tentatively, he asked, “Should I call Peter?”

Neal spun, looking confused. “What? No. Moz, I’m good.” Mozzie looked skeptical and Neal forced a laugh. “I’m fine, Mozzie.”

“If you’re having a panic attack, I need to get Peter on the phone.” The younger man just stared at him. Part of him was grateful that Mozzie would call Peter if there were an issue, but the other part was aggravated by the fact that Mozzie assumed he was having a panic attack. “Neal, you need to tell me if Peter should be here. He isn’t that far away.”

“I know where Peter is,” Neal muttered, turning away from Mozzie. He hunched over the sink in the kitchen and stared at the tiled wall. “I’m not having a panic attack. I’m fine and Peter doesn’t need to be here. He’s busy.”

Mozzie snorted. “He’d jump off a cliff while bleeding to death if you needed him.”

“That _isn’t_ funny,” Neal snapped, leaving the kitchen to head back to the living room. Mozzie was stunned by the sudden hostility. He trailed after Neal, watching the younger man from afar. “Tell me honestly if Peter asked you to come over.”

Mozzie’s eyes darted away from Neal’s as Neal turned to face him. “He did.”

“Go home, Moz. I’m gonna take a nap since it’s quiet.” Mozzie protested and was trying to tell Neal that he wanted to spend the afternoon with him as Neal started heading upstairs, but Neal snapped, “I said go home!” Mozzie stared at him in silence. “I don’t need a watchdog or a babysitter. I’m thirty-six, Mozzie. I can handle myself—I’ll see you later.” He trudged upstairs and didn’t wait to see if Mozzie left him alone. He went straight to his bedroom and slammed the door. “Wow. How God damn mature,” he muttered to himself. “Thirty-six and slamming doors like a thirteen year old.” He loves Peter for caring about him and worrying, but he was pissed that Peter didn’t think he could handle a couple hours by himself.

He holed himself up in the bedroom for two hours, ignoring the text messages that kept coming in on his phone. He knew they were from Peter and he really wasn’t in the mood to say anything pleasant to his husband, so he chose to say nothing at all. The television was muted and he was irritated overall.

When his phone began to ring, he groaned and reached over for it, answering. “ _Hon? Are you okay? I’ve been trying to get a hold of you for the last hour and a half._ ”

“I’m fine.”

There was a long pause. “ _What did I do?_ ”

Neal wasn’t sure if he felt like going off on Peter or not. He knew Peter asked Mozzie to come over to protect him in case something happened, but he also inferred that Peter thought he was weak from that. Peter always said he wasn’t weak, but he’d called on Mozzie to watch over him for an afternoon. “You know what you did,” Neal whispered.

Another long pause. “ _Neal, I only did it because I love you. I’m not going to apologize for that._ ”

Neal closed his eyes and inhaled sharply. “Whatever, Peter.”

“ _Honey, I’m only sorry for upsetting you, but I’m worried about you. As your husband, I’m supposed to worry about you._ ”

“Am I so incapable of being alone that you—?”

“ _You’ve said it yourself: you’re afraid to be alone._ ” Neal frowned, hating him for being right because he _did_ say that. “ _If I didn’t give a damn about you, I would’ve left you there without a second thought. I love you so much it hurts, Neal. I didn’t want you to be alone and I still don’t._ ” Neal just breathed quietly, feeling miserable all of a sudden. He didn’t blame Peter. If anything, he’d made himself miserable by avoiding Peter. “ _You’re my husband, my soulmate. Damn it, Neal._ ”

“Thank you,” Neal whispered, feeling like he was about to cry now. “I’m sorry. You’re just doing what you think is best and I shouldn’t bitch at you for that.”

Peter sighed heavily. “ _Just tell me, honestly, how you’re doing. Are you okay, baby?_ ”

Neal shook his head before realizing Peter wasn’t there to see him. “I’m not feeling all that great. I yelled at Mozzie and I think I made him feel really awkward. He’ll probably never want to be around me again.”

The older man was very confused. Mozzie called him earlier to tell him that Neal was acting strange and hostile, but he hadn’t given the reasons or any kind of explanation. Instead, Mozzie was as cryptic and obtuse as always. “ _What do you mean?_ ” There was a very long pause this time and Neal felt really guilty. He wondered how Peter would react. Would he look disturbed like Mozzie did? He was emotionally scarred by his rapes, so the dates in which they’d happened were etched into his memory as though scars had been burnt into his skin. Peter always understood to an extent, but he might think Neal was truly insane for keeping track of how long it’s been since the initial rape. “ _Angel?_ ”

He opened his eyes and his vision became a watery blur. He tried to act normal as he spoke, but his heart was aching. “I was talking about things with him. I really don’t feel good right now, Peter. I don’t want to talk about it.”

Peter hushed him gently. “ _That’s fine, honey. Do you want me to come home?_ ”

Neal debated on asking him if he could or just telling Peter to finish up what he was doing. He’d love it if Peter came home to be with him. Nicky was out with Trenton for a little while, so he was alone in the house after kicking Mozzie out. “If you’re busy, finish up,” he finally said.

“ _Baby, I’m pretty much done at this point. I can come home._ ”

Neal rubbed his eyes as tears slid down his cheeks. “Okay.”

Peter whispered, “ _Are you crying?_ ”

“No,” he snapped, shutting his eyes tightly. He buried his right palm against his eye and clutched the phone tighter in his left hand. He didn’t know what his problem was. It wasn’t like he was having a flashback. He was just sitting on his bed while on the phone with his husband and he felt really emotional all of a sudden. His chest hurt. Neal could hear a car door open and close and then a car started up. “Damn it, Peter. Just finish what you’re doing. I’m fine,” he said miserably, unable to cover his crying that time.

Peter spoke softly as he put the phone on speaker and set his phone down in Neal’s seat so he could talk to Neal while driving without disconnecting the call. “ _Honey, I’m done. I’m on my way home now._ ” Neal shook his head, hating himself. He hasn’t felt this horrible since the day he’d temporarily given his engagement ring back to Peter. “ _You don’t sound like you’re having a panic attack. Neal, do you know—?_ ”

“I’m just being my emotionally unstable self,” he said tightly. “I’m sorry. Peter, just… Don’t come home, please. I’m so tired of acting this way. I hated it before and I hate it even more now. The last thing you need right now is for me to fall apart.”

“ _Don’t you_ dare _talk that way. You know I love you to death. I’d do anything for you and I’ve promised you repeatedly over the last four years that I’m not going anywhere, that I’ll always be with you._ ” Neal wanted to throw his phone. Peter was still too damn good for him and Peter deserved a hell of a lot better. “ _Neal, I married you because I want to spend the rest of my life with you. After four years, I’d hoped you’d learn by now that I’m not leaving you._ ”

Neal acted impulsively and hung up on Peter. He didn’t even know why he did it. He just didn’t want Peter to hear him fall apart for no reason. Peter was at least fifteen minutes away. He palmed his eyes and sobbed shakily. The ache in his chest was worse now.

Just as he thought he was going crazy because he wasn’t having any flashbacks or even thoughts related to Vincent or Craig, they came on so suddenly and overwhelmed him. He could see everyone who’d ever been involved in what happened: Vincent, his mother, Garrett, Craig, and even Craig’s lackeys. He could see his mother standing there, watching as all of the men viscously attacked him. He screamed, feeling the pain building up. Part of him knew there was no real pain, but he was inflicting it on himself. He didn’t realize he was tearing at his own skin even as he backed himself into a corner—one of the worst things he could do to himself.

He started to panic then and got on his hands and knees, frantically crawling away from his corner. He desperately tried to get into the bathroom in the hopes of evading all of those men and his mother’s bitter gaze. He gasped in agony, feeling like flames were licking his skin. He kept struggling, trying to get into the bathroom, but he couldn’t make it.

His own screams went unheard. He knew he was screaming, but he couldn’t hear himself. He heard bitter laughter and threats aimed at his husband and his son. Hell, even the threats aimed at his mother hurt him. She didn’t try to help him even now. There had to be at least five or six men attacking him, ripping him apart, and she watched—just let it happen. “Stop!” he screamed, begging as he sobbed. He tried to push himself up and managed to get onto his knees. He crashed against Peter’s dresser in their bedroom and gasped in pain.

Twisting around, he opened his dresser drawers and started frantically throwing whatever he could grab at people who weren’t even in the room with him. Somehow, he’d tripped himself while backing away and he’d ended up on his back, staring at the ceiling. His throat felt dry and tight. His eyes kept watering and he tried to move.

There was a very sudden and very loud sound as a door hit a wall and he screamed in terror, remembering when Vincent would come into his bedroom and wake him up if he’d managed to get to sleep, remembering when Craig came through the door to abuse him in every possible way that he could imagine.

He managed to sit up and started backing away in fear. When he was lifted and held in someone’s arms, he kept screaming, begging to be let go. He couldn’t understand the muffled voice and he didn’t try to. He decided to give up, knowing he couldn’t get away from them in the end and he wound up blacking out.

•◊•

Peter stared at his husband. He’d considered calling nine-one-one, but he knew Neal wasn’t in need of medical attention. Neal hurt himself and Peter didn’t know what exactly he’d done it with, but he’d managed to cut his lip and forearms as well as bruise his abdomen, upper right arm, thighs, hips, and his right cheek. When Neal went unconscious, Peter’s heart nearly stopped due to how concerned he was about the man he loved more than anything. He’d panicked as he raced across the city to get home after Neal hung up on him and walking into the house to hear Neal screaming hadn’t been very pleasant. It was extremely nerve-wracking and he didn’t understand what happened.

He’d undressed Neal on their bed to see how much damage he’d caused himself and there was very little blood, fortunately. He got up from the bed and went into their bathroom, stepping over all of the clothing Neal had thrown. He wet a washcloth with warm water and wrung it out until it stopped dripping and then he returned to the bedroom.

Sitting beside Neal on the bed, he rubbed Neal’s face, neck, chest, arms, and legs down. He was covered in a layer of sweat from stressing himself out and the most Peter could do to help him was clean him up a bit. He carefully redressed Neal in one of his own shirts since they were slightly oversized on Neal and he grabbed Neal’s loose sweatpants. Once Neal was dressed, he breathed shakily. He had no idea how to explain this. He’d _never_ seen Neal physically try to escape something that wasn’t real on such an extreme level. Looking around the room told him that Neal crawled across the floor as though he were in real pain and couldn’t force himself to stand.

There was nothing else he could do for Neal at the moment but wait for him to wake up. He thought about watching some television to pass the time, but he was far too concerned to even take his eyes off of Neal. He was so glad Nicky hadn’t been around to see what Neal went through because Nicky would have been terrified and that would have made things a hell of a lot worse for Neal later on. Nicky wouldn’t have known what to do. Peter didn’t even know what to do. He’d come into their bedroom to find an absolute disaster and his husband in a state of extreme emotional distress.

He laid next to Neal, staring at Neal’s face. He wanted Neal to be all right. He needed to understand what brought all of this on in order to help Neal, but he’d learned that Neal needed time before he could open up properly. If Peter asked him about it moments after everything happened, Neal would respond differently. He remembered the night he’d been listening to the recording between Fowler and Craig when Neal called him and seemed strange on the phone. Going home to find his lover curled up on the terrace in the pouring rain was strange. How Neal reacted after he’d smashed their bathroom mirror wasn’t what Peter expected. Neal distanced himself from Peter and laid in bed silently until he’d finally gotten too tired to attempt to stay awake.

This was worse than that…

After half an hour, Neal seemed like he was beginning to stir and Peter sat up a little, holding himself up on his arm. Neal groaned and his left hand flew up to hold his head. Peter’s eyes followed each movement Neal made raptly. He didn’t want to miss a thing because he wanted to help Neal through this—whatever _this_ was. Neal slowly opened his eyes and looked up at Peter, looking confused and disoriented. Peter suddenly cursed himself for being selfish. He hadn’t even thought about cleaning up the room. It was still in complete disarray and he knew Neal would remember everything that happened once he looked around their bedroom. “Hey,” Peter said softly, giving him a small smile.

“Peter,” he whispered, his eyes immediately beginning to water. Peter’s lips parted and he was more concerned than reassuring at the moment. Neal blinked quickly, gasping for breath. “They’re here. Peter, please…” He turned quickly onto his side and buried his face into the crook of Peter’s neck. “Please…” he begged. Peter held him gently even as Neal clutched him tighter.

He didn’t move or say anything for a little while. He just held his husband and listened to him breathe, wishing he could take all of Neal’s pain away. When Neal started to stutter out apologies and explanations, Peter hushed him and whispered, “Baby, relax. You don’t need to talk about it right now. Just… Just take it easy, honey. I’m right here and I’m going to stay right here.” He stroked Neal’s hair slowly, glancing at Neal’s hands as they rubbed his sides. Neal was trying to ground himself in the present, Peter realized. He knew Peter’s body and that seemed to help. When Neal put a little space between them and slid his shirt up a bit, he didn’t stop him. Neal’s hand roamed over Peter’s abdomen, sliding up to his chest. Peter just kept his eyes on Neal. The younger man looked intent on what he was doing. Closing his eyes while resting his palm above Peter’s warm chest, he could feel Peter’s scar. When he’d been shot, they’d opened him up and the scar was still there after two years. Neal knew it now after spending so many nights touching or kissing it.

“What the hell is wrong with me?” Neal whispered, opening his eyes to look up tearfully at Peter.

Peter shook his head. “Nothing, honey. Nothing’s wrong with you.” He kissed Neal’s forehead. “I don’t know how to explain this to you because I don’t even know what happened, angel. I just want to make sure you’re okay now.”

“I don’t know if I’m okay,” Neal whispered. “Peter, they were here. I swear I felt them. I heard them.”

The older man nodded. He’d never tell Neal that he was insane because he was seeing and hearing things that weren’t there. He hadn’t been raped or abused like Neal had been, so he didn’t understand the emotional and mental trauma that coupled with the physical pain. Peter understood parts of Neal’s trauma, but he’d never know how Neal felt because he’d never experienced that level of pain before. The most he could do was remind Neal that he was safe, that he was loved, and that he would never be at fault for what happened. If he could help Neal that way, then he’d do the best he could and then some. “They’re gone now,” Peter whispered, stroking Neal’s hair. “They can’t hurt you anymore.” Neal never understood how Peter could just go along with his insanity, but he knew no one else would ever stay with him through it all. No one could ever love him this much.

Neal glanced down at himself and was horrified at first, then he calmed down a bit when he looked up at his husband. “Did you change my clothes?” he asked, his voice sounding so small for a grown man.

“Yes,” Peter said, staring into Neal’s eyes. “You… You’re bruised a bit, hon. I wanted to make sure you weren’t hurt too badly.”

Neal relaxed a little and Peter was surprised that Neal wasn’t screaming in terror while accusing Peter of raping him when he was unaware. “How bad did I hurt myself?”

Peter rested his hand on Neal’s chest. “There are a few bruises here and there on your arms, thighs, and midsection. Your cheek seems to like being bruised.” He gave Neal a small smile, hoping the failure of a joke would help Neal calm down a little more. When Neal returned the smile, he knew it worked somehow. “You cut your lip and I… I was too afraid to look at your back.” Neal gave him a look of confusion. “Honey, I was worried about scaring you…” he said quietly. Neal understood and nodded. “I don’t want you to—”

“I will never think you’re taking advantage of me,” Neal said firmly. “Never again.” He waited until Peter nodded before continuing. “I trust you with my life, my body, my heart, and my son. You earned that trust, Peter. I know you’ll never hurt me.” Peter kissed Neal’s lips carefully, trying not to hurt him. When they parted, Neal met Peter’s gaze. “Can you check my back, please? It…kind of hurts. I don’t know what I did to it.”

Peter scooted back a bit on the bed and let Neal roll over onto his stomach. He sat up and carefully as well as cautiously slid Neal’s shirt up a bit to look at his skin. There was a gash near his left shoulder blade that concerned him and bruising near Neal’s lower back. “It isn’t as bad as I was telling myself it was,” he said quietly. He fixed Neal’s shirt and backed away. Neal just stayed put, staring up at Peter silently. Peter had no idea what he’d done, but he felt like he’d fucked up and scared the hell out of Neal suddenly.

He was about to get off of the bed, but Neal’s hand flew out and touched his knee. “Don’t leave,” Neal pleaded. Peter nodded and relaxed into his initial position, lying beside Neal as Neal flipped over to lay on his side. “Peter, I want to know what you’re thinking…and how you’re feeling.” Peter’s brows furrowed. “I need you to open up to me,” he whispered. “I don’t want you to close up because you think you need to be silent to help me. Please, Peter, talk to me.”

The older man nodded and rested his hand between Neal’s neck and shoulder. “I’m admittedly very concerned about you, angel. I was terrified when I came in and found you in the state you were in,” he said slowly. Neal didn’t look like he felt extremely guilty. If anything, he looked like he wanted to understand Peter’s thoughts. “You scared me when you hung up on me and I thought someone broke in when I…when I heard you scream.”

“Do you think you’ll ever get so scared that you’ll leave?”

Peter shook his head. “Never—not in a million years. I love you far too much to leave.” He rubbed Neal’s jaw gently. “You scare me when I don’t know what to do to help you, but I want you in my life, Neal. I…” Peter looked like he wanted to shut up because he was getting extremely emotional all of a sudden, but Neal was encouraging it and he knew he could let his walls down with Neal. After all, Neal left himself vulnerable so many times in Peter’s presence. Neal would never mistreat him for becoming vulnerable. Neal truly loves him—their love runs deep into their souls and he knew they would suffer if they split up, so he hoped to God he never fucked up enough to make Neal run away from him. “I’m afraid to live without you,” he finally admitted. “I’m scared when I think about how my life could be without you in it, Neal, because I feel so empty and cold. You give me life and warmth and I know I’m loved. If I lost you, I wouldn’t even be alive anymore.”

Neal looked a little surprised by Peter’s extreme and sincere honesty. “I mean that much to you?”

“God, yes,” Peter breathed. “You mean so much to me. I can’t even put into words how much you mean to me because…because you’re my soulmate.” He kissed Neal fiercely. “If I didn’t wake up to you or go to sleep beside you every day, I would never know true happiness.” Neal looked like he actually believed what Peter was telling him and Peter was relieved. “I know we were made for each other,” he whispered. “I’m here to give you pieces of myself to help you become as strong as you think you need to be. _You_ are meant to show me how my life should be. Without you, I don’t know if I ever would have come out of the closet, Neal, and I’d be miserable. I love you more than I can ever tell you. I… Neal, I need you in my life. I truly need you in my life because you make my life worth living.” Neal’s eyes lit up a bit and that made butterflies flutter in Peter’s stomach. “You’ve given me family and unconditional love. I have a husband and I never thought I’d be able to say that in my lifetime because I was too afraid of who I was. I have a son who loves me as much as he loves you. Neal, you let me into your life and I feel like I was one of the bigger missing pieces to your puzzle—if that sounds even remotely like a decent analogy.”

Neal smiled and lifted his hand to caress Peter’s jaw. “I love you so much,” he whispered, “and I’m so thankful to have met you.” Peter kissed Neal’s index finger when it passed over his lips. “There’s no one else in this world who could put up with me day in and day out. Nicky can’t help it because, before you, I was his only legal guardian and he has to live with me, but I wasn’t visibly insane around him.” Peter sighed and Neal eased up a bit. “You married me, Peter. We have rings that prove we’re in love and that we belong together. I’ve said no to marriage before, but it felt so right when you asked me. There was no way I could say no to you—nor will I ever be able to say that to you.”

Peter smiled weakly at him. “I’m lucky to have a man as beautiful inside and out as you,” he whispered. “El and I married out of convenience. Neal, I asked you to marry me because you’re the only man I want to spend forever with. I don’t give a damn about all of the millions of other men out there I could’ve been with.” He pushed himself up and leaned over Neal, kissing him passionately. “Fuck all of those other men. You’re the only one for me, Neal. You came with your own set of flaws and issues and I brought mine in as well. If we weren’t meant to be together, we wouldn’t have tried to work through things. I’ve messed up a lot—”

“So have I.”

“—and I find myself reflecting on that occasionally. You forgave me for things I didn’t deserve to be forgiven for. A man who doesn’t love me wouldn’t have let me into bed with him after I read his journal nor would he have taken his engagement ring back from me.”

Neal nodded slowly. “You’re human,” Neal whispered. “You don’t try to act like you’re hot shit and I like that. You’re strong and you know that, but you don’t flaunt it. I’ve always said that you use your strength to protect me and I stand by that.”

“And _you_ are human,” Peter countered. “What you’re feeling, everything you’re going through… That’s not something you need to be embarrassed about. I’ve dealt with you while you were drunk and pissed off with me. I’ve seen you fall apart, cry until you sobbed, and I’ve also seen you smile and laugh freely.” Neal smiled a bit. “I think I’ve seen you in every possible situation, Neal, and I love you. I have never for one moment stopped loving you. Even when I accused you of cheating on me, I couldn’t make myself stop.” Neal tentatively shifted a bit and Peter realized what he was trying to do. He pulled Neal on top of him and held him. “You’re one in a million. You’ve been through so much and you have every possible reason to never trust another man again, but you never once told me I needed to leave because you couldn’t handle a relationship. I know you struggled to balance your emotions and us, but you put effort into it. You came to me and we worked through it.”

Neal whispered, “I’ve never felt like I could be…me. I always tried so hard to be normal and my relationships always failed because I tried too hard to be someone I’m not. I…tried to hide my past from you, but I felt a connection to you and it told me I needed you to know.” He was tearing up as he kissed Peter. “I couldn’t trust anyone with that. I couldn’t tell them I was raped and expect them to stay. I didn’t expect you to stay, but you’re a different kind of man. You’re Peter Michael Burke. You’re the only you you’ll ever be consistently.”

“Cute,” Peter said, teasing him.

Neal laughed and rubbed his eyes. “Before you, I don’t think I could have pulled myself through my flashbacks. I couldn’t actually. I…suffered in silence. I did what I could for Nicky and I wanted Mozzie to stay with me because I was afraid of ending up alone.” Peter knew this. “When Matthew broke my heart and disgusted me to the point where I actually got sick, I thought I’d never love anyone again. He’s my step-brother and he knew that all that time that we were together. He abused and exploited my feelings to appease his father.” Peter stroked Neal’s cheek gently. “If I’d let myself fall apart even for a second, he’d have called me a nutcase, more than likely beaten me, and walked out without looking back. He would’ve left me alone and he did anyway. Since then, I was afraid to trust another man. Then I met you. I think there was a part of me that didn’t want to trust you, but I wanted to try. I…needed someone to love me and I needed to love someone. I didn’t want to die alone, Peter.”

Peter whispered, “I can relate.” If he’d never gotten out of his first marriage, he would have felt as though he’d died alone. “You came to me in pieces and I’ve worked with you. I’m never going to say I’m trying to fix you because you aren’t broken. I’m trying to heal what was damaged before I came into your life and I don’t know if I’m doing a good job or not…”

“You are,” Neal said sincerely. “I’m the living proof—emphasis on _living._ ” Peter gave him a wry smile. “You gave me hope, Peter. You gave me a chance.”

“Because you were and still are so worth it,” Peter said, letting tears slide down the sides of his face. “I can’t imagine walking away from you—from this. I love you and Nicky and we’re in the process of adopting a baby together. You’re my husband, my love, my best friend.” He stroked the side of Neal’s face softly and gave him a small smile. “Walking away from all that you and I have built together would destroy me.”

Neal nodded, his own tears starting up. “I always thought my mind would destroy me, Peter, and I still think it could, but I know that I’d be destroyed if I lost you and all of this.” Neal tried to wipe Peter’s tears away. “When you came in and found me the way you did, I truly believed what I was seeing and hearing. I thought they were raping me all over again and I felt helpless even as I tried to get away.” He sniffled a bit, using the back of his hand to wipe his face off. “I don’t know why the freak-out was so…drastic. We were talking and then I was bombarded with thoughts and flashbacks that transferred to myself in the present.”

“Do you think it might’ve been brought on by talking about things with Mozzie?”

Neal’s eyes met Peter’s directly. “Probably… We were talking about you and me. I…brought up the fact that I’ve bounced back from what Craig did to me much faster than I did after Vincent. I told him it was strange that it’ll have been three years in May since Craig raped me and the look he gave me…” Peter felt slightly angry with Mozzie. He knew Neal was sensitive and always told Peter that Peter needed to be more considerate. “I felt like a freak. I’m keeping track of the days they raped me among other things. He…looked at me like I’m a freak.”

Peter kissed him. “He doesn’t understand, Neal.”

“Do you?”

The question was very sudden and Peter felt like he knew, but saying that Neal was traumatized would be obvious. “You’ll never forget them because of the pain—the hell you went through. You survived three years of Vincent’s perversion and—thank God—you only had to survive a week with Craig. I can’t imagine how you would be right now if you’d been there longer.”

Neal nodded, smiling sadly. “How is it that you understand when he doesn’t?”

“You’re my husband. I’ve tried with all of my might to understand you in every way. I’ve never been raped nor have I been abused, but I saw what those monsters did to you.” He laid Neal down onto his back on the mattress and then hovered above Neal, kissing him lovingly. Neal’s eyes closed and his fingers tangled themselves in Peter’s hair. His left hand slid down to Peter’s shoulder. Neal truly appreciated that Peter was being open with him about this because he never really talked about how _Peter_ felt. Peter always helped him get through his problems. Neal was beginning to realize how much he was affecting his husband and he refused to let Peter go on without being able to speak his own mind and let his own feelings out. Peter was always such a mystery when Neal really thought about it. He knew his husband, but he didn’t know what Peter was keeping to himself.

Peter’s a very resilient man, but that doesn’t mean Peter has to keep his thoughts and emotions in. If he kept doing that, he’d become Pandora’s Box. Neal wanted to get him to open up before reaching that point. “Peter,” he whispered, sliding his lips away from Peter’s for a moment. Peter made a sound of acknowledgement. “Promise me you’ll talk to me about _you_ more. Please.”

“Like my thoughts and stuff?” Neal nodded, opening his eyes. “I promise, baby.”

“Don’t give me the spotlight all the time,” he said quietly. “This relationship isn’t just _me._ This is _us_ and that means _you_ need to communicate with me as much as I communicate with you. This…long conversation we’ve had was good. I never give you any consideration and you deserve it.”

Peter sighed. “I was never hurt or—”

“You’re still human. You’re a man who feels strongly, but he keeps it tucked into his suit jacket pocket.” Peter smiled, kissing the corner of Neal’s mouth. He kept his eyes closed. “It’s unfair to you if I drone on and on about my terrors and issues. I know they’re important to you, so I tell you, but I don’t think you realize that your life and all that you have to say about it is important to me.”

Peter opened his eyes then, staring into Neal’s. “I won’t close up anymore,” he promised. “I’ll tell you how I’m feeling when I’m feeling it instead of telling you months or years down the road.” Neal smiled at him and Peter couldn’t help running his fingers over Neal’s lips. He treasured Neal’s smiles. “We’re husbands. If this marriage is going to work, then you’re right; I need to talk to you, too. I don’t think about myself very much, but that’s only because I love you.”

“And I love you,” Neal whispered, “so let me in.”

The older man nodded and their eyes slid to a close as they kissed again. Peter whispered, “I promise,” when their lips parted for a moment and then he returned to the kiss. Neal was right, he believed. Peter never realized how much he’d been holding back from Neal until Neal asked him to speak. He knew he didn’t have to wait for Neal to ask him about it, but he always thought Neal was too stressed to deal with petty Peter problems. Talking to Neal now, he realized he was wrong. Neal wanted to know. He’d had a severe panic attack and Peter was terrified when he saw how animalistic Neal was acting while he was trying to escape his demons. Neal needed to hear how Peter felt and Peter knew that it helped Neal.

Telling Neal that they were destined for forever was one thing he needed to keep planting into his husband’s thoughts. Neal needed to stop being so afraid of Peter leaving him because Peter would never leave him. Now that Peter thought about it, maybe Neal was always afraid of him leaving because he didn’t know what Peter was thinking. He didn’t ask Neal to confirm or deny that. He decided he’d take the initiative and open himself as much as Neal always has. He trusts Neal and knows Neal is sensitive enough to feel what Peter will be feeling. Neal will take care of him in almost all of the same ways Peter cares for Neal. Neal needed help quelling his demons, but he realized that Neal also needed him for all that he is, thoughts and all. He wouldn’t let Neal go on thinking Peter’s going to leave at any given moment. He’ll tell Neal everything from now on if only to show Neal he’s devoted to him.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal and Nicky have more issues to hash out.

Tara rubbed Neal’s hand as they sat beside each other on the floor of Neal’s bedroom. He was doing the laundry this morning and he decided it was time for a break. She gave him a small smile when he looked at her. He returned it and pecked her cheek. “Thanks for coming over. It’s been a while since we’ve hung out.”

She giggled. “Well, that happens when you get pregnant,” she said, gesturing down at her stomach. “I’ve been spending all of my time with Declan and I know you’ve been with Peter.” He raised an eyebrow. “You two made facebook pages and neither of you use them. All you both did was update your relationship statuses so everyone knows you’re married to each other. _You_ only use it to post pictures of Nicky and you have like ten friends.”

“I have everyone’s phone numbers, so I send text messages. Peter really doesn’t care for facebook and Mozzie will never join it.” He chuckled. “I’m proud of my son and my marriage, so that’s pretty much all I have to say about my life. I’m not all that interesting.”

She wiggled her eyebrows at him. “You could post sexy pictures of yourself. That shirt is too constrictive and your body is just gorgeous, especially in lace from what I’ve been told.”

He rolled his eyes. “Yeah. All I need is for the FBI to see that I wear lingerie for my husband.” She raised an eyebrow. “I’m friends with Diana, Jones, and Reese. A couple of the probies added me, too. I’d probably lose my job.”

“You haven’t yet!”

“And I’d like to keep it that way,” he said, laughing. “Peter thinks I look sexy. That’s all I need and his eyes are the only ones I’d like to flaunt my lingerie in front of.”

A deep laugh erupted quietly behind him and Neal smiled, turning to flash a grin at his husband. “Rock star trying to steal my blue eyes?” Neal looked amused as he pushed himself up to meet Peter halfway for a kiss. Peter played with Neal’s wedding ring since they were this close. He liked messing with it because it was a constant reminder that he’d won this man’s heart. Neal kept his eyes on Peter’s, silently conveying his love for the older man. Peter pecked his lips again before Tara stood up and walked over to them.

She put her hands on her hips and whined, “Don’t I get some love?”

“ _Obviously_ you do,” Peter said, gesturing at her stomach. Neal laughed and they both pulled her in for a simultaneous hug. Nicky came bounding up the stairs with Trent on his tail and they made a mad dash for Nicky’s room. Neal allowed Trent to have a sleepover at their house since Nicky did his chores and all of his homework throughout the week and the two were begging him to say yes when they asked the day he picked them both up to take Trent home for his mom.

“I wonder what those brats are up to,” Neal murmured. Peter chuckled and they all parted from the hug. “They’ve been strangely secretive and I’m honestly really curious.” Peter watched as Neal left the room to go to his son’s room just to look in. He thought it was funny, Neal worrying about what the kids were up to even though they’re both good kids. He followed Neal and stood beside him as Neal opened the door just enough to see inside. What he saw surprised him. He pushed the door open and the two boys startled, scrambling away from each other. “Nicolas James.”

“Daddy,” Nicky said, swallowing. He glanced at Trent and so did Neal.

“Uh, Trent,” Peter said, watching Neal. He knew Neal would take care of this. Trent got up from the floor and scurried over to Peter’s side, leaving the room with him.

Nicky swallowed hard and got up from the floor. “What were you…? Nicolas…” He sighed and shut the door, coming in to sit on his son’s bed. “Baby, why were you kissing Trent?”

The teenager’s face flushed immediately and he wouldn’t look at his father. “I don’t know.”

Neal didn’t know his son’s sexuality yet and Nicky was still trying to figure out where he was in the world, but he wondered if he was influencing Nicky’s decisions. “There’s always a reason, Nick.” Nicky looked like he was going to cry, so Neal got up and knelt in front of him, hugging him. “I’m not mad at you. I just want to know why. I’m the _last_ person to criticize kissing another boy.” He kissed Nicky’s nose. “And you know I love you. Whether you’re into boys or girls, I don’t care. You’re my son.”

“You…” Neal’s heart clenched a little, thinking he was at fault for this. He didn’t want Nicky to try to be gay if he really wasn’t. “Dad, I want to be happy like you are with poppa. Trent makes me happy.”

Neal nodded. He wasn’t going to deny his son the privilege to fall in love with whoever he wants, but he also wasn’t going to let Nicky start dating until he was at least sixteen. With the way the world is changing, he didn’t want Nicky to get sucked into peer pressure and wind up getting some girl pregnant—Neal realized they were getting younger and younger now. When he was growing up, he was stunned to hear that eighteen year olds were having babies because he thought people were supposed to be in their twenties before having children. If Nicky wanted to be with boys, he didn’t want Nicky to have sex right now. Fresh horrors were building up in his mind that he forced himself to shove aside when he thought about Nicky being sexually active by his own choice. He didn’t want Nicky to spend his teenage years trying to figure out whether he was a top or bottom guy. He wanted Nicky to live and experience things without sex influencing him. “Are you sure it’s the same kind of happy that poppa and I have?” Nicky looked unsure, staring at his father’s soft eyes. “Don’t jump into things just yet, Nicky. Take the time to figure yourself and your interests out. If you’re supposed to be with Trent, you’ll be with Trent.” He combed his fingers through Nicky’s hair, smiling softly at his son. “I don’t want you to think you need to be gay because I am. You’re Nicky and I’m daddy. I don’t want you to grow up with heartbreak and regret and I know you don’t want to hurt your friendship with Trent.”

“Why can’t I date Trent now?”

“Because I think you’re both too young for that. Wait a few years and you know I won’t have a problem with this. Just…think, Nick. Be _you._ ”

“I want to be with Trent,” he said petulantly. “I’m gonna move in with him if you don’t let me date him.”

Neal raised an eyebrow at the challenge in Nicky’s tone. “I will ground you to your room before you even start packing,” he said tightly. “You’re too young for a relationship right now, Nicolas James. I like Trent, too, but I’m not allowing a relationship at the moment. In a few years, maybe.”

“You’re a hypocrite!”

“Excuse me?” Neal said, surprised to hear his son argue with him like this.

“You always said you wouldn’t care if I was gay or straight, but you _do_ care. You don’t want me to be gay.”

Neal’s eyes hardened as he stared at his son, straightening up to loom over the teenager. “I don’t give a damn if you’re gay or straight, Nicolas. You’re my son and I’ll love you for who you are. I’m not trying to be a jerk about this. I want you to take it easy and think about things before getting in too deep.”

Nicky looked so disgusted and it hurt Neal’s heart. He hadn’t said he didn’t want Nicky to be gay. If Nicky was gay, Nicky was gay, and it was as simple as that. Neal just wanted him to wait before leaping headfirst into the fray. “Why won’t you let me be with Trent? You were with a lot of guys before poppa, so what’s the difference?”

“The difference between you and me is _twenty-three years,_ Nicolas. You’re thirteen. I’m not going to let you date until you’re a little older and a little more mature. I have nothing against Trent. I’ll support you in every—”

“You’re a liar!” Neal’s words died on his lips. “You don’t want me to be happy. You want me to be miserable. I want to be with Trent and you won’t let me. What kind of dad are you?”

Neal was stunned, but he bounced back. He was really pissed off now. “I’m the kind of dad who will ground his son to his room for a week,” he growled. “I’m not going to let you talk back to me like this. I’m the dad. When you’re a dad with your own kids, you make the rules.” Nicky just glared up at him, crossing his arms over his chest. “While you live under my roof, you’re going to follow my rules. Poppa won’t let me ease up on you if this attitude of yours doesn’t improve.”

Nicky uncrossed his arms and balled his hands up into fists. “Everybody was right about you. You’re going to be a control freak. You’ll never let me do anything I want to do or be with people I want to be with.” He brazenly took a step forward and Neal had enough.

“You’re grounded for a week, Nicolas.”

“You can’t do that!”

“I just did—and I can make it _two_ weeks,” Neal said tightly. “Trent’s going to sleep in one of the guestrooms until he goes home. Once he leaves, you’re not to leave your room unless you need to go to the bathroom or I call you downstairs to eat.” He didn’t like acting this way with Nicky. He’s never felt this angry at his son, but Nicky was pushing it.

Nicky looked just as angry as Neal felt. “You’re a terrible father and I hate you.”

Neal threw his arms out to his sides, shrugging. “Nothing I can do about that if that’s what you want to think. You can hate me all you want, but you’re still grounded.”

“I hate you!” Nicky screeched at him.

Neal’s heart was aching terribly. “Well, I love you. Because I love you, I’m trying to protect you. If you can’t understand that, then I sure as hell hope you like spending time in your room.”

Again, Nicky cried, “I hate you! Go away!”

Neal left without saying another word and Nicky slammed the door on him as soon as he was out of the room. He considered going back in there, but he didn’t want to. Nicky was really upset with him. Normally, Neal would hate himself for upsetting his son, but not this time. This time, he knew he needed to lay down the rules. He lost his innocence at thirteen and he sure as hell wouldn’t let Nicky do that to himself. He hadn’t been ready for sex at thirteen, so Neal refused to let Nicky date and more than likely end up having sex when he really shouldn’t.

He didn’t realize Tara and Peter were standing right there until Peter came over to touch his chest. “Honey…”

Neal shrugged. “You heard him. He hates me. I’m a terrible dad.”

Peter shook his head. “He doesn’t hate you, Neal. He loves you to death. He appreciates you.”

“That was appreciation? What made you, in your right mind, think that was _appreciation?_ ”

The older man didn’t have an answer to that, so Neal stormed off. “Shit,” Peter whispered when Neal shut their bedroom door. Tara looked concerned. He glanced at the stairway to see Trenton standing there, looking afraid. “You’re okay, Trent. Nicky and his daddy had an argument. They’ll be fine.”

Trent swallowed. “Mister Burke, should I go home?” Peter shook his head and the teen frowned. “I didn’t know they were going to fight. I’m really sorry. Nicky was talking to me about kissing and we wanted to try it…”

“It’s okay,” Peter said gently. He glanced at Tara. “Can you take him downstairs for a little bit? Neal needs to cool off and I’ll see if I can get Nicky to listen to me.” Tara nodded and smiled at Trent as she led him back downstairs. Peter knocked on Nicky’s door and Nicky told him to go away, thinking he was Neal. “It’s poppa,” he said quietly. In only a few short moments, Nicky opened the door and let him in. “Hey, kiddo.”

“Hi, poppa,” Nicky said, sounding depressed. Peter watched his son hop up onto the bed and lay down miserably. He shut the door and went to sit on the bed, rubbing Nicky’s leg. “I don’t hate daddy,” he whispered, looking at Peter with tears in his eyes.

Peter patted Nicky’s thigh before taking his hand. “He knows that deep down. He isn’t trying to be mean, Nick. He’s thinking about what’s good for you and I think you need to listen to him.”

Nicky frowned. “Why doesn’t he want me to date Trent?”

“Because of his past,” Peter whispered. “Daddy didn’t want these things when he was thirteen. He—”

“Vincent forced him,” Nicky said sadly. “Dad didn’t have a choice. Is he trying to say Trent is going to rape me?”

Peter shook his head, squeezing Nicky’s hand. “He wasn’t ready for any of that, Nick, and he doesn’t think you’re ready right now. He wants you to wait and take your time. Daddy’s first boyfriend was when he was in his twenties.”

Nicky gripped Peter’s hand a little tighter. “All I did was kiss him and dad thinks I want to have sex with Trent.” Peter heard the hostility returning and internally sighed. “He’s such an idiot.”

“Don’t call your father an idiot. He’s done so much for you, Nick. He cares about you more than you know. If he didn’t think you needed to wait or if he didn’t care, he’d let you do what you wanted.” Peter stroked Nicky’s hand with his thumb. “Has dad ever said no to you when you wanted something?” Nicky frowned, shaking his head. “He loves you. He’s trying to be a good dad. He thinks you really hate him, Nicky.”

The teenager sat up and leaned against Peter. “Poppa, can you tell him I’m sorry?”

“I think you need to be the one to tell him,” Peter said gently.

“But I’m grounded.”

Peter nodded. “You’re still going to be grounded regardless. He needs to hear from you that you don’t hate him. Hearing that from me won’t do anything for him.” He wrapped his arm around Nicky, squeezing his arm gently. “Nicky, try to understand. Dad didn’t want any kind of relationship with another boy when he was thirteen. Vincent took that decision away from him and he hates Vincent for that. You might think dad’s doing the same thing to you, but he’s not.” Nicky closed his eyes, listening to Peter. “Your father isn’t planning on raping you or hurting you. He’d do anything for you. This is _one_ thing he’s asking you to wait on. Dad doesn’t want you to go through life regretting things he regrets.”

“Does he think I’m not serious?”

“He doesn’t know what to think and neither do you. Right now, you don’t know what you’ll want in ten years. Ne— _dad_ waited. He went through a lot of rough relationships until we got together. He doesn’t want you to end up that way.”

Nicky nodded slowly. “What if I’m gay? Is he going to be freaked out by it?”

Peter chuckled quietly. “Both your father and I are gay. He definitely won’t be freaked out by you. He just wants you to look at your options before settling on something you’re not sure about.” He kissed Nicky’s hair. “If you’re gay, he’ll love you as much as he always has. Same thing if you’re straight. He doesn’t know what you are and you’re at a point in your life where you might not be so sure either.”

“Can Trent hang out with me still or is dad going to tell me I can’t be around Trent?”

“Do you think he’d tell you that you’re not allowed to see your best friend?” Nicky thought about it, then shook his head. “Dad’s not going to forbid you from seeing him. He’s concerned is all. Don’t rush into things, buddy. Love isn’t supposed to be rushed.” Nicky nodded slowly, opening his eyes. “It took daddy and me a long time to find each other. I knew I loved him when I met him and now we’re married. When you’re truly in love, you’ll know.” He squeezed Nicky against him for a moment. “Don’t try to find your one true love right now. You have so much time for that down the road. Just be a kid,” he said softly. “If you and Trent have feelings for each other, you’ll know later on. You’re both kids right now. Trying to date each other now might hurt you both later if one or both of you realizes you’re really not gay.”

The teenager looked down at his lap. “I guess you’re right,” Nicky murmured. “Does dad hate me?”

Peter sincerely said, “No. He’ll never hate you.”

“I said some really hurtful things to him…”

“And daddy isn’t the kind of man to hold that against you. You’re his baby boy. He’ll always love you with all of his heart. You’ve always been first in his life.” Nicky met Peter’s eyes and Peter smiled at him. “I’ll be honest with you. I’ve said awful things to daddy before, too. We argue, we ignore each other for a little while, and then we talk about it. He still loves me even though I was mean to him. If he can love me after saying things like that, he will certainly love you in the end.”

Nicky bounced off of the bed. “I wanna talk to him. Can you ask if I can first? I don’t…wanna make him even angrier.” Peter got up and ruffled Nicky’s hair, nodding. Nicky watched his poppa leave his bedroom and head down the hallway and around the corner. He stood in his doorway waiting for Peter to come back. After a couple minutes, Peter came around the corner and motioned for him to come over. Nicky darted over to him, holding onto Peter’s arm like a lifeline.

“Don’t be afraid,” Peter whispered. “He’s not mad anymore.”

Peter led Nicky into his and Neal’s bedroom and Neal was sitting on the edge of his bed with his shirt off. Nicky held onto Peter when Neal looked at him. He could see the pain in his father’s eyes even though he was trying to hide it. “Dad, I’m sorry.” Neal nodded silently. Nicky finally let go of Peter’s arm and moved across the room to stand in front of his dad. He forced Neal’s legs apart and positioned himself between them, wrapping his arms around his dad’s waist and resting his head on Neal’s shoulder. “I don’t hate you,” he whispered.

“I know,” Neal said, clearing his throat. He sounded miserable, but he was trying to play it down and keep to himself so Nicky wouldn’t think he was weak. “Don’t worry. I talked to poppa and… You’re just grounded for the weekend, which just means no ice cream or late movies.” He looked at Nicky like he was waiting for another onslaught of hate and Nicky just hugged him tighter. “You know I love you. Nick, I don’t like when you talk back to me. I’m not one of your friends. I’m your father and I want you to respect me, okay?” Peter noticed how uncomfortable Neal looked. “I’m not asking you to worship me or suck up to me. I just don’t want you to call me a hypocrite or a liar. I wasn’t being hypocritical nor was I lying to you. You’re too young for a relationship right now. I told you that you can be with Trent in a few years if you still feel the same way about him. I’m not going to pick and choose who you can or can’t be with unless they’re really bad for you. Trent’s a good kid—like you.”

Nicky stepped back to stare at his father’s sad face. He kissed Neal, then hugged him again. “I love you, daddy. I didn’t mean it when I said I hate you.” He paused, inhaling his dad’s scent. He really liked how his dad had this sweet scent around him all the time. It made Nicky feel comfortable and safe because he knew it was his dad. “I didn’t mean it when I said you’re a bad dad either.” Neal smiled weakly, blinking unwanted tears away. “Trent’s dad used to beat him up and your step-dad used to beat you up, too.” Neal cringed, thinking that Nicky was putting that into terms too polite for the situation he had with Vincent. “You’ve never hit me. You don’t yell at me either. Dad, you don’t like swearing at me. You only end up doing that when you’re really mad and I’m sorry for making you mad.”

Neal kissed Nicky’s neck, closing his eyes. “I couldn’t live with myself if I ever beat you,” he whispered. “The thought of hurting you kills me inside. I will never _ever_ hit you.” He hadn’t even spanked Nicky when Nicky was growing up. He was so against physical punishments, so he chose to go down the lecturing route. If he could talk it out with Nicky, that’s what he’d do. He refused to make his son cry because he hit him. “I’m not going to apologize for grounding you or saying what I said to you,” he said sincerely. “I meant everything I said and you’re still grounded. I’m not going to let you walk all over me. I love you, but I’m not going to put up with this anymore, Nick. I think I was too lenient on you as you grew up and that’s my fault. I blame myself for all of this and—”

“You were just being a good dad,” Nicky whispered. “You love me a lot. You didn’t have to take me home with you when you found out you had me, but you did anyway.” Neal nodded, breathing shakily. “You’re my hero. You keep me safe and love me with all of your heart.” Neal opened his eyes and looked up at Peter, meeting his husband’s affectionate eyes. “I’m stupid if I hate you for doing everything you could for me.”

“You’re a smart boy,” Neal said quietly. “I don’t want you to grow up too quick, Nicky. I feel old as it is. I miss when you were a baby. I miss trying to get you to talk to me and trying to help you walk.” He laughed as his vision became a watery blur. “I remember your first word. You said ‘dada.’ I remember how giggly you were when you realized I wasn’t holding your hands and you walked straight to me.” He held Nicky a little tighter. “I miss the simplicity of that. I miss being able to make you so happy.”

Nicky stepped back and gripped his father’s hands. “You think you make me unhappy?” Neal didn’t answer. “Dad, I’m happy because of you. Like I said, you didn’t have to take me home. You didn’t have to raise me. You didn’t have to love me and take care of me.” He squeezed Neal’s fingers. “You didn’t do any of those things because you had to. You _wanted_ to. You wanted to be my daddy and you still do. Some of my friends have bad daddies and some of them don’t even have a daddy in their life.” He kissed his father again, giving him a little smile. “I’m lucky ‘cause I have a good dad who wants to be in my life.”

Neal laughed lightly. He rubbed his eyes and nodded slowly. “I… Nick, you’re my world. You and poppa are my family. If I hurt either of you or pushed either of you away, I wouldn’t be able to survive.” Peter smiled softly at his husband, glad he and Nicky were talking this through. Nicky needed to understand and Neal was trying to help him understand. “Poppa protects me and makes me feel safe when he holds me.” Both of them looked at Peter and Neal kept his gaze locked onto his husband. “I’ve messed up a lot with poppa, but he still loves me. He’s still here.” He turned his focus towards Nicky. “You’re a kid. You’re gonna hate me and be upset with me. It’s part of life, I think, but there will never be even a split second where I look at you and think I hate you.”

“It’s just… My friends are dating and—”

Neal cut him off, softly saying, “I don’t care what your friends are doing.” He poked Nicky’s chest gently. “I only care what Nicky’s doing, okay?”

Nicky nodded. “I’m allowed to be friends with Trent?” Neal nodded. “Just no kissing or stuff like that?”

“For now. If you and Trent have feelings for each other in a few years, I won’t have too much of a problem with you two being together. I just want you to be a little kid for as long as you can.” He stroked Nicky’s hair. “Don’t try to grow up too fast. Being an adult isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be.”

Peter went to sit on the bed beside his husband, sliding his arm behind Neal to rub his warm, bare back. The two resolved a few more little issues between themselves and then Neal told Nicky to go play. When his son was gone, he leaned into his husband’s immediate embrace. “That went well,” Peter said gently. Neal nodded and Peter reached up to stroke Neal’s hair. “How are you feeling, baby?”

Neal sighed and nuzzled his husband’s throat. “I don’t know how I feel, Peter. I feel like I don’t even know my own son sometimes and it feels like I’m being stabbed in the chest when I can’t fix things or when I think I’m fucking up royally.” He closed his eyes and breathed erratically for a few moments. “You and me—we’re adults. We’re gonna have plenty of problems with each other that we’ll blow up at each other for, but we get through it and I never really believe you’ll leave me after an argument. I usually fight you over stupid things as it is.”

“I accuse you of ridiculous things,” Peter whispered, “and that’s my problem. I…honestly thought you were thinking about cheating on me when I found your wedding ring here instead of on your finger while you were out for a little while…”

The younger man nodded. “I know. I’m just glad you listened to me this time,” he whispered. “You didn’t flip out on me without giving me the chance to explain and I appreciated that. I didn’t realize you weren’t aware of that case… If I’d known you had no idea, I would’ve told you right from the start.”

Peter kissed Neal’s hair. “I trust you. I haven’t accused you of cheating in at least a year and a half, which is good…” Neal sighed and Peter stopped depressing them both. “The point is, you know I’ll put effort into fixing our problems. I know you’re the same way—with me and with Nicky. You can’t bear the thought of losing us.”

“Losing you would destroy me. No one could ever love me like you do.” Peter hated when Neal said things like that. He believed Neal could be loved by someone else if something were to happen to him or them. The only thing he appreciated with that sentiment was that Neal swore he’d never fall in love again. “If Nicky grew up hating me, I’m not sure what I’d do, Peter. I try so hard to please him and I think I’m failing.”

The older man put a bit of space between them, meeting Neal’s eyes as they opened. “You aren’t failing. You’re doing a fantastic job, honey. He’s just growing up and looking for more and more independence.” Neal frowned. “He’ll have it someday. He needs to understand that he’s still a kid. As you kept reminding him, _you_ are the father. I agree that he needs to respect you a little more. He’s been hurting you a lot off and on. I don’t like it because I know how much it hurts you.” He kissed the corner of Neal’s lips. “You’re extremely sensitive to his and my feelings. I just hope you know that we love you no matter how angry we get at each other. You’re my husband and I could never dream of leaving you. You’re his father and he looks up to you because you’re his hero—his role model.”

“He talks to you a lot more than he talks to me,” Neal whispered.

“Because he knows he’s wrong and he wants me to help him fix the problem. He wanted me to come in here and apologize for him and I told him that he needed to tell you.” Neal appreciated that. He loved that Peter always stuck up for him, even if it was simple as telling Nicky to cowboy up and talk to Neal. “You’re the only one who loved him more than life, Neal. He needed you then and he needs you now even though I’m in the picture now. I love him as much as you do, but you’re his daddy. He’ll always need you.”

Neal gave him a half smile. “It’s like a triangle of need,” he said, laughing lightly. “I need you and Nicky, he needs us, and you need me and Nicky.”

Peter kissed him, reaching up to stroke Neal’s hair again. “And that’s how it’s always going to be.”

•◊•

“You really didn’t have to drive me home. I could’ve had Declan pick me up.”

Neal shrugged and glanced over at her for a moment. “I needed to get out of the house for a few minutes anyway. Peter’s got Nick and Trent under control for the moment.”

She reached over to take his right hand while he drove. “You’re such a sweetheart and I’m sorry about how Nicky treated you tonight. I know that hurt you a lot. Peter told me Nicky’s having a hard time keeping some things to himself when he’s arguing with you.”

“He brought up my rapes once before,” Neal whispered. “He used it against me and Peter got pissed. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.” He blinked a few tears away. “Peter and I argue because we need to work through some things. He has never used my rapes against me. He never tells me I’m a whore or a slut or that I’m broken because of them.”

“Peter loves you so much, Nealie. He knows what can hurt you the most without putting any effort into it. If he ever did that, I think you’d really consider leaving him.”

Neal didn’t know about that. “I love him no matter what he says to me. I don’t think I’d leave even if he told me I’m pretty worthless because two men raped me repeatedly in my lifetime.” Keller used to call him worthless because he wouldn’t try to defend himself in arguments or physical fights. Every time he thought about Keller and the abuse he suffered at Keller’s hands, he loved Peter more. As far as he could remember, Peter only implied that he whored himself when he’d gone undercover as a male prostitute without Peter’s knowledge. Peter never looked disgusted with him or like he wanted to leave. Neal thought he was a saint because he stuck around through all of Neal’s drama and he’s still sticking around.

Tara was looking at him, watching the pain in his expression subtly appear and disappear. “Peter’s a good man. You deserve that kind of man. I’m so glad he doesn’t mistreat you, Nealie.” Neal smiled weakly. “He loves you a lot and it shows. He’s never abused you physically or emotionally. As far as I know, he’s only tried to help you through things.”

“He’s always supported me emotionally. He hasn’t had to support me physically very much. I mean, yeah, he did after I’d gotten shot a couple times, but… I was grateful to have him help me after Craig. Craig broke me and I don’t think I could’ve walked nor done much of anything if not for Peter.” He turned down onto Tara’s street then and Tara was disappointed to have to get out soon. She liked when Neal talked to her about things like this because she knew he trusted her then. “In the hospital, he had to help me go to the bathroom and everything because I was so weak and in pain.”

She smiled at him. “You guys are awesome together,” she whispered. “Sometimes I think you’re too awesome.”

Neal laughed lightly. “We just try to make it work.” He pulled up in front of her house and parked. “I don’t know where I’d be right now if he wasn’t in my life. I know I wouldn’t be married right now, but… Emotionally, I think I’d be destroyed. I wouldn’t have him trying so hard to make me understand that he’s in love with me and he won’t leave. He wouldn’t be in bed with me, holding me close. With how horrible my nightmares used to be, I felt bad for waking him occasionally, but I really appreciated that he was there to comfort me. He let me talk to him about anything I wanted to talk about and that was great.” She squeezed his hand gently. “Being with him has changed me. I feel free to open up to him without having to worry that he’ll look at me like I’m crazy. He hates my low self-esteem more than anything.”

“And the sex that follows that must be amazing.”

He flashed a bright smile at her. “It is. He’s really, really sweet. Like, you wouldn’t think he’s such a teddy bear when you look at him, but he is. He’s amazing.”

“Does he kiss you all over and make you feel good about yourself?”

Neal nodded. “Yes, he does. Now go get kissed all over by your boyfriend.” She giggled and leaned towards him. He pecked her cheek and she giggled again. “Have a good night, Tara. We’ll have to get together again soon.”

She patted his cheek and smiled sweetly at him. “I agree. I miss hearing about your sex life.”

He laughed. “It’s mutual sharing. Although, yours should be a little less painful than mine. And it usually is.”

“Well, if somebody would stop asking for it rough, I’m sure your ass would be okay.” He smirked. “I bet Peter loves that you’re asking him to pound your ass. Declan likes a fast pace. Is that like a manly fetish?”

“Uh, how would I know?” She giggled. “I don’t give it; I take it. Peter can be fast or slow. He only acts based on what I’m asking him for and sometimes he’ll tell me no. Like, we can’t have two rough nights in a row because I bled _one_ time.”

She pecked his cheek this time and grinned. “You’ve got a sweetheart for a husband. He’s looking out for you, Nealie. Let him. He wants to take care of you and I think that’s really sweet.”

Neal just smiled. “That’s why he’s my husband,” he said quietly. “And I hope Declan takes care of you and the baby as well as Peter takes care of me and Nick.”

“Or you’ll drag his ass outside and run him over?” He chuckled. “Silly. You’d be the first person I’d talk to if there was a problem, sexy man.”

He laughed quietly, watching her as she got out of the car. “Good night, Tara.”

“Night, Nealie!”

He waited until she was welcomed into the house by Declan before taking off. He dialed Peter before driving. While it was ringing, he drove off. “ _Hey, gorgeous._ ”

“Hello, sexy. Just calling to let you know I’m on my way home now.”

Peter chuckled and Neal imagined his smile. “ _Eagerly awaiting your return,_ ” he murmured. “ _The kids are quiet for now. They’re watching a movie and I think we should spend that time wisely… Bedroom activities sound interesting?_ ”

Neal moaned quietly. “God, yes. Get the music ready and have the blanket turned down so I can crawl in with you as soon as I get there.”

“ _We need music? Don’t you like the music we make?_ ”

“Awe!” Neal cried. “You’re so _cute!_ ” Peter groaned on the other end. “You’ve got a point though. Strike the music, but still have the blanket turned down for me. Deal?”

Peter sighed contentedly. “ _Always, honey. I’ll see you when you get home._ ”

“See ya then,” Neal said, smiling to himself. One thing he definitely loved about their marriage is that they knew each other very well. Peter would have everything set up when he got there and then they could decide together what they were playing or doing. He always looked forward to that because Peter is very attentive and _performs_ exceptionally well. He was already getting aroused just thinking about what they could do with each other. He loves the vanilla sex, but it’s nice to change it up every now and then. They could always adapt to the situations they found themselves in.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal and Peter learn more regarding Ellen's mysterious death; Elizabeth and Diana have amazing news.

“I don’t like this.”

There was a heavy sigh in response. “ _Oh, I know. You keep reminding me._ ”

Peter rubbed his wedding ring anxiously. Neal was trying to suck in a target by acting as an escort, which meant their target would be all over him. “I despise the thought of some woman touching you,” Peter muttered, trying to keep his jealousy toned down a bit.

“ _Peter, relax. I’m still wearing my wedding ring._ ”

“I don’t think that was a wise choice. She might not—”

Neal interjected, “ _Just trust me, Peter. I have an angle to play. She’ll want me even if I’ve got my ring on._ ” That offered no comfort to Peter. Diana stood behind Peter, resting a hand on his shoulder. She understood how concerned and jealous he was. She’d feel the same way if this were Elizabeth. “ _She’s here._ ”

“Be safe,” Peter pleaded.

The crowd was bothering Peter. They were just background noise, but he didn’t want to miss a single thing going on around his husband. This woman was potentially dangerous and Neal had to convince her that he was interested in some illegal fun with a little bit of sex on the side. Peter sincerely hoped Neal wouldn’t find himself in a situation where he _had_ to act aroused because Neal would utterly fail to get it up and the whole thing would be blown. “ _Well, hello. You’re a gorgeous man for such an…unimportant job._ ”

Neal chuckled. “ _Somebody’s got to do the job, unfortunately._ ” Peter knew he was leading her into the party and it made him sick. He glanced up at the screens in the van and watched Neal give her a playful, sexy smile that he used on Peter when he was up for another round of lovemaking.

“ _I’m so lucky to have you as an escort. You’ve got a nice ass._ ”

Peter grit his teeth, watching her idly slide her hand down Neal’s back and over his ass. Neal only smiled when she squeezed his ass and Diana could see that he was struggling. She knew Neal felt uncomfortable doing this with Peter watching and he’d tried to ask Peter to stay behind, but he should’ve expected his husband to want to be there to watch his every move.

Neal made a show of looking her over. “ _Mm. You’re not so bad looking yourself,_ ” he said lightly.

She stared at him hungrily and Peter wasn’t sure who he wanted to maul first: his husband or the mark. Neal was doing this too damn well for his liking. Neal slid his arms around her slender waist, sliding his hands down a moment later to grip her ass. “I’m going to kill you,” Peter growled.

She started clutching his outfit, seemingly trying to rip it off of him on the spot. “ _Easy, tiger._ ” Peter knew that was aimed at him even though he was responding to the woman. “ _We have time and you’ve rented me for the afternoon. I’m yours._ ”

“So going to kill you,” Peter muttered.

The woman was excited to hear that and then she was caught up in socializing while Neal stood off to the side patiently. “ _Control, please,_ ” he whispered when he had a moment. “ _You know how I feel._ ”

As the afternoon wore on, Peter’s patience was wearing thin. He was trying desperately to be professional as he observed, but he didn’t want this woman clawing at his husband. She was getting drunker the longer they stayed until she finally asked Neal to take her to her hotel room just across the street. Peter knew Neal was screwed. They wouldn’t have cameras in the room and Neal wouldn’t be able to arouse himself.

When the two arrived at her hotel room, he heard kissing. Neal was kissing her. “Boss,” Diana warned, clutching Peter’s shoulder tighter. “He’s only doing this for the job. He doesn’t like this any more than you do.”

Neal murmured sweet nothings to her while she drunkenly giggled at everything he said and then Peter heard the bed squeak a little. “He’s on the bed,” Peter said disbelievingly. “He’s on the bed with her.”

“ _Ooh, baby! Your hands are so warm._ ”

She moaned and Peter’s heart clenched in his chest. “Neal, what the _hell_ are you doing?”

“ _Is this working?_ ” She moaned again and Peter couldn’t stop imagining Neal with her. “ _I mean, this is my job… I want to know if I’m doing it right._ ” The woman laughed and the bed squeaked again. She sounded pleased—a little too pleased.

“You are,” Diana said, cutting in since Peter seemed unresponsive for the moment. She glanced at Peter as Neal went about his work. “He’s not going to have sex with her, Peter. That’s why he’s wearing the ring.”

The next half of an hour consisted of Neal sloppily kissing her as she giggled like a schoolgirl and Peter got the impression that she wanted Neal to finger her and he was, fortunately, not up for that. Peter wasn’t sure if he could handle listening to that. The kisses were bad enough. Neal let out a small gasp and Peter startled a bit. “ _I like strong, sexy men. You lie back and I’ll do the work._ ” Peter could hear the rustling of clothing until the woman gasped. “ _You’re married?_ ”

“ _Yeah,” he said, sounding nonchalant. “My wife’s okay with my job. She doesn’t know about this part though._ ”

“His wife,” Peter muttered under his breath.

She, much to Peter’s absolute relief, didn’t try to push for sex. They kept making out, but that was it. “ _Ugh. You are so much better at kissing me than my boyfriend._ ” Neal chuckled a bit, thanking her quietly. “ _He’s in prison though, so he can’t improve it._ ” This is what Neal was trying to get out of her. He asked for a name and she breathed, “ _Bruce Donovan._ ”

Peter was concerned when Neal was quiet for a little while. After a few minutes, he excused himself and went into the bathroom. “Neal?”

“ _That’s Keller,_ ” he whispered, horrified. “ _It’s an alias he first used with me._ ” Peter was stunned. He didn’t understand how Keller was orchestrating all of this from a prison cell. The guns being sold were on the black market, so it wasn’t like Keller could get access to a fence or do it himself. He couldn’t have any way of getting this woman to do it for him because she hasn’t gone to see him.

“All right. Honey, everything’s okay. We’re going to figure this out.” Neal was breathing a little erratically, Peter noticed, and he wished more than anything that he could be there to hold Neal against him. “Hon, tell me if you need me to pull you out.”

Neal sighed, trying to even out his breathing. “ _I’m all right. I’ll finish this and then we can all go home._ ”

A few moments later, Neal went back into the room where the woman was waiting on the bed. “ _You were gone so long,_ ” she whined.

“ _Sorry._ ” He sounded so unapologetic and Peter hoped she didn’t catch that. Neal needed to pull through if he was going to finish this. Otherwise, they’d lose the op. Neal’s composure was key. “ _So what’s a beautiful woman like you got to do with a guy like Bruce Donovan? You shouldn’t have a man who’s doing time._ ”

She giggled and Peter heard Neal sit down on the bed. “ _He had me help him enlist a sniper. There was a woman he_ so _wanted dead. It was really easy._ ” She rolled around on the bed, playing with Neal’s fingers, toying with his ring. She had no idea what she was doing or saying and Neal was using that to his advantage. His morals told him it was wrong to extract information from someone who was intoxicated, but he threw his morals out the window as soon as she mentioned Keller’s alias.

“ _Wow. He had some woman killed?_ ”

“ _Yeah. He said he was getting back at an ex or something like that. I don’t know what the guy’s name was. The woman was some old broad. Ellen or Helen._ ”

Peter’s heart stopped when he heard that. “ _Ellen Parker?_ ” Neal whispered.

She squealed excitedly. “ _Yeah! That’s the name!_ ” Peter knew this was about to go to hell very quickly.

“ _Peter, get a team in here_ now.” The woman started asking him questions about who he was talking to and Neal was agitated beyond his breaking point. “ _I’m an undercover FBI agent and you’re under arrest._ ” The woman screeched. She couldn’t believe she’d been duped by a federal agent. He had cuffs on her in seconds and Peter’s team was on its way—Peter included.

By the time Peter and his team got up to the floor and broke through the door, Neal was citing her rights. Diana took the woman and escorted her away while Neal stayed where he was with his back to everyone. He had a hand on his hip and the other was combing through his hair. “Neal,” Peter whispered, cautiously stepping towards his husband.

Neal turned then and Peter saw the pure rage in Neal’s eyes. “Keller killed her. He _killed_ my mom.”

“Not directly,” Peter said gently.

“I don’t give a damn if it wasn’t directly him!” he cried, exasperated. Peter stared at him, his eyes widening a little. He’d seen Neal angry and pissed off. This was beyond both of those points. Peter swore he saw murder glinting in Neal’s eyes and it scared him. “He was involved in her death, Peter. That’s the _only_ thing that matters here and he—”

Peter gripped Neal’s shoulder tightly. “You are _not_ going to pursue this in this frame of mind,” he whispered, warning his husband. “I will put you into solitary confinement if you can’t handle this like an FBI agent, Neal.”

Neal stared at him in disbelief. “You’re bluffing.”

“Try me,” Peter said tightly. He would go through with it. He’d done it once before and he wouldn’t hesitate to do it again if he thought Neal’s actions would do more harm than good to himself. Neal started to argue that Peter would act the same way if this were his mother and Peter snapped. “You’re thirty-six, God damn it. Act your age and get yourself under control, Neal.” Neal was stunned into silence. The rage was simmering, but it still lingered. “I’m not going to protect you if you do something self-destructive. I love you and you’re my husband, but I refuse to let you act irrationally.”

The agents standing in the room waited in awkward silence for the two to finish their conversation and head out, but it looked like it was far from over. “He killed the only woman I have _ever_ loved, Peter. I hate my biological mother and Ellen was all I had.” Neal laughed bitterly. “He didn’t _kill_ her. He brutally _murdered_ her. If you’re going to let him get away with this—”

“You’ll leave me?” Neal stopped talking and his lips parted. They were both silent as they both tried to read each other’s thoughts in their eyes and expressions. “Neal, I know what she meant to you. I loved her, too. I wasn’t as close to her as you were, but I saw how _you_ fell apart. Her death will be avenged, Neal. I swear to you I will do everything in my power to pin this on him, but we need facts and hard evidence.” He tentatively reached out to take Neal’s left hand, rubbing his wedding ring. “I don’t plan on letting him get away with this, but we can prove _nothing_ at this moment other than a little bit of hearsay because she was inebriated and he’s in prison.”

Neal looked away from him and subtly glanced at his watch. “I’m done with this conversation,” he whispered. “We need to get Nicky from school and pretend everything’s fine, then we’ll talk.”

Peter frowned, feeling like Neal cut his heart into tiny pieces when Neal pulled his hand away and stormed out of the room. He had this sudden fear that he’d ruined them. The minimal amount of comfort came with the fact that Neal hadn’t taken his wedding ring off to give back to Peter. He gave orders to the agents who would be remaining on the site and then made his way out of the hotel to find his husband at their car.

Upon arriving at the Taurus, he found Neal sitting on the ground while leaning against the car with his head in his hands. “Neal?” Neal didn’t look up, but Peter could see that his shoulders were shaking. “Oh, baby…” He sped up to get to Neal faster, kneeling in front of him when he was close enough. “Honey,” he whispered, tentatively stroking Neal’s hair.

“I’m so sorry,” Neal murmured. Peter leaned closer to kiss Neal’s temple.

The older man hushed his husband gently. “Don’t worry about it. I’m going to do everything I can for you, Neal. I promise.”

Neal shook his head. “I’ll do this myself. I’m tired of having you do everything for me.” Peter’s brows furrowed when Neal lifted his head to wipe his face off. “You’ve done enough for me, Peter. You’ve taken care of me, gotten me through so many issues, married me, and so much more. I can’t ask you to help me bring Keller down. It’s selfish of me to keep expecting you to help me.” Peter was going to speak until Neal kept going. “You’re my husband and I’m treating you like my slave. When was the last time I did something for you that doesn’t include blowjobs, handjobs, or sex in general?”

Peter caressed Neal’s cheeks. “You leave cute notes for me in the office,” he whispered with a smile.

“That doesn’t do a damn—”

“Over the last two years, I have kept every single one.” Neal stared up at him, a little surprised. “Neal, you’re amazing. You always find some way to express your love for me and those notes or even the papier-mâché swans you occasionally leave for me mean a lot to me.” He stood up and held his hand out for Neal’s. The younger man hesitated, then took his husband’s hand. Peter pulled him up and wrapped his arms around Neal’s waist. “I love when you do little things like that. You don’t have to _help_ me do something to get some satisfaction, hon. All I’ve ever wanted from you is your love and you give that to me every single day.”

“Every waking moment,” Neal whispered, staring into his husband’s eyes.

Peter nodded and kissed him. “You aren’t a selfish man. We’re married and I’m feeling the way you feel. We’ll get through these things together. Your past doesn’t bother me nor does the present or future.” Peter rubbed Neal’s back slowly, pecking his lips a few times. “I’m always going to be at your side. Whether you believe me or not, helping you helps me. I can only be as happy as the man I love.”

Neal gave him a small smile when he pulled back. “I stand by my belief that you have some script in your head,” he whispered. “You always know what to say in any situation to help me feel a little better.”

“It’s my job,” he whispered in return. “Neal, you’re the love of my life. If I weren’t in love with you or devoted to you, I wouldn’t try to keep you happy. I _want_ to make you happy. I love when you smile and laugh. Those are two very beautiful parts of you.”

The younger man groaned. “You make me feel bad sometimes. I feel like I never say anything worthwhile to you.” Peter just chuckled, shaking his head. Neal knew Peter wasn’t expecting compliments, but he felt like it was unfair for Peter to give _him_ compliments if Neal couldn’t return the favor.

Peter shrugged. “The fact that you’re with me is good enough. You’re a loving, caring, sweetheart of a husband. I couldn’t ask for better.” Before Neal could put his own two cents in, Peter hushed him. “Even with all of your ‘issues’ and such, I would never ask for a do-over. I’d never try to find anyone else, Neal. I told you I’m in this for the long-run, honey.”

•◊•

Neal stabbed at his dinner occasionally. He wasn’t feeling all that hungry even though Peter forced him to grab a plate and sit at the table with him and Nicky. Peter hated when he wouldn’t eat after he’d gone the whole day without eating as it was. Despite Peter’s overly pushiness, he knew Peter was looking out for him. Sometimes even he didn’t realize he was hurting himself and this was one of those subtle ways.

Nicky was giving his father sidelong glances while Peter kept glancing at Neal concernedly. “Daddy?” Neal lifted his eyes to meet his son’s. “Are you all right?”

“Yeah. Yeah, of course, Nick.” He forced a smile that made Peter frown. Neal caught it and his smile faltered. Nicky looked confused. He wasn’t sure how his father was feeling, but it couldn’t be all that great since Peter and Neal had hardly spoken to each other after they’d gotten home. “No,” he whispered after a few moments. “No. I’m not okay.” Nicky reached over to take Neal’s left hand, holding it firmly. “I had a really rough day at work is all, baby. I’m a little tired, but everything else is fine.”

After dinner, Nicky went down into the basement to play in the game room while Neal and Peter did the dishes together. “Neal?” Peter said softly, getting his husband’s attention. “Are you still upset?”

Neal sighed and shook his head. “Not with you anymore. We’re fine. The nice thing about us is that we’ll talk it out and I need to hear your blunt comments sometimes.” He gave his husband a weak smile. “I was acting childish and you made me realize that. I’m an adult and I should start acting like one. You know I’m overly emotional, but I’m not a murderer.”

“I never accused you of being a murderer,” Peter whispered. “I just know Ellen’s death was hard on you, honey. The fact that Keller played a part in her death is understandably upsetting and I’m pissed off, too, but we… We can’t risk doing this the irrational way.” He rested his left hand on Neal’s right on the countertop. “I love you very much and I don’t want to see you become something you’re not. You’re not a cruel man, Neal. You’re a beautiful man and I don’t want you to change.”

The younger man nodded. “I’m going to do this your way,” he whispered. “I told you I would before and I still will.” Peter rubbed Neal’s hand slowly, staring at his husband’s face. “Would you really put me into solitary confinement again?” Neal asked tentatively.

Peter gave him a half smile. “I love you and I can’t watch you hurt yourself, so yes. I did it when I considered you a suicide risk after Nicky was kidnapped and I’ll do it again if you’re planning to kill yourself or someone else.” Neal believed him now and just nodded silently in response. “I don’t _want_ to put you there, but I’ll do what I need to do to keep you safe. I don’t want to lose you, Neal.”

The two finished up with the dishes and Neal was drying his hands as Peter slid his arms around Neal’s torso. Neal rested his hands on Peter’s, leaning back against his husband. “You okay, Superman?”

“I want to talk if that’s okay with you,” he whispered. Neal turned in his arms and looked up at him, nodding. Peter let go of Neal for a moment, only to take Neal’s hand and lead him to the living room couch. They sat down and faced each other. Neal was patiently waiting for Peter to speak. “Neal, I’m concerned—about you and us and our family.” Neal’s brows furrowed and Peter sighed. “I’m always afraid that you’re going to commit suicide,” he whispered. “You’ve attempted it a couple times and I don’t know if I can handle any more than that. We’re trying to find Vincent and we _will_ bring Keller down for murdering Ellen, but I need you to keep a level head. I can’t… I can’t live without you and I don’t want you to take things too far and end up _dead._ I _need_ you, Neal.” He wanted to touch Neal so very badly, but he needed to convey his feelings without physical means. “I’m not criticizing you or calling you crazy. I’m just worried. You’re my husband and I don’t want anything to happen to you.” He frowned, looking away from Neal for a moment. “Anything _else,_ ” he amended quietly. Neal sat forward and rested his hand on Peter’s thigh, rubbing small patterns into the fabric of Peter’s jeans slowly. “Our marriage is important to me. I need you to give me your word and _swear_ to me that you’re not going to try to kill yourself—and mean it, Neal.”

Neal nodded, staring into Peter’s eyes. “I promise you that I won’t try to kill myself or anyone else,” he whispered. “I won’t _intentionally_ kill anyone else.” Peter sighed and Neal bit his lip.

“We’re starting a family together,” Peter said quietly. “We have a son and we’re going to have a baby in the near future. I can’t raise them without you, so… Baby, _please_ don’t abandon me.” Neal couldn’t remember Peter ever sounding so desperate and it made his heart hurt. He was doing this to Peter by saying things he knew he shouldn’t say and he realized he needed to work on thinking before speaking. “You’re a better dad than I could ever be. If you leave me, I won’t know how to raise them. They’ll grow up hating me because I’m a poor excuse for a father and—”

“Shut up,” Neal said suddenly and Peter looked surprised. “My son _is_ your son, Peter Michael. You’re his father, too, and I know he loves you. He looks up to you, Peter. When he can’t or won’t talk to me, you’re his safe haven. He didn’t have that when I was single or hiding him from my boyfriends.” He lifted his left hand to stroke Peter’s arm. “You’re a wonderful father. He and this baby will love you so much. You and I both know Nicky loves you to death. He never would have called you anything but ‘Peter’ if he didn’t love you.”

Peter heard the truth behind that and realized Neal was right. “I guess I never really thought of it like that. I mean, I know he trusts me, but… I didn’t think that had anything to do with him loving me.”

Neal gave him a sincere look when he said, “It has _everything_ to do with him loving you. Peter, you were just my boyfriend when you met him. He called you by your name for quite a while and then something changed. He loves you like a father, Peter. You’re his poppa and he… If he didn’t want you to be in our lives, he never would have called you _his_ poppa.”

The older man was really touched by that. “I’m proud to be his poppa and I’m so thankful that he trusts and loves me enough to welcome me into your family. I love you both. Even as he gets older and acts like a little pain in the ass, I love him.”

Neal chuckled. “He’s _our_ little pain in the ass,” Neal whispered. “You’re a dad, Peter. You’re a _great_ dad, so don’t give me this bullshit that you’re a _poor excuse for a father._ ” Neal shifted and leaned forward to kiss his husband. “If he didn’t think you were a good dad, would he get excited to play ball with you? Would he ask you to tuck him in at night or kiss you?”

Peter cradled Neal’s head, holding him in close proximity. He pecked Neal’s lips softly. “I see your point, honey.”

“Good. Because this baby Burke is going to have the best poppa ever,” Neal whispered. “You learned from your father and you’ve watched me with Nicky. _I_ have seen you with Nicky, too. There’s not a single doubt in my mind about your ability to care for a baby.”

“Ask Cara,” Peter muttered. “I’m terrible with babies.”

Neal smiled at him. “I’m gonna teach you everything, love. You’ll be a pro with the baby in no time at all. Hell, after a few days I bet you won’t want me to get up in the middle of the night to feed the baby because you’ll be so excited to do it yourself.”

Peter looked thoughtful. “Wow. You and I are going to lose a lot more sleep,” he said. He met Neal’s eyes and kissed him fiercely. “But I’m committed to this,” he whispered. “I want to raise a baby with you. I love being with you and Nicky. To have a new addition to the family… Neal, that would be amazing.”

“Oh, I know. Poppa-Peter over here will finally know how it feels to be a cranky parent who’s up through all hours of the night with a crying baby. Fortunately, there aren’t many walls between us and the baby’s possible bedroom. You shouldn’t run into anything on the way there.”

The older man had a sudden idea. “When we get closer to the time when we’ll bring our baby home, can we decorate the baby’s room together?” He sounded really eager and it made Neal smile broadly.

Neal laughed lightly and nodded, loving this man so much more. “Of course. We’ll have plenty of shopping to do, too.”

Peter talked a little more about his concerns related to Neal and their children and he asked Neal to, once again, promise that he wouldn’t abandon them. Once he was satisfied with Neal’s promise, they relaxed together. Neal laid between Peter’s body and the back of the couch with his head and left hand on Peter’s chest. He had his eyes closed as he listened to Peter’s heartbeat. But just as Peter was starting to drift off while stroking up and down Neal’s back, a phone’s ringtone started blaring, startling both men.

Neal lifted his head off of his husband’s chest and forced himself to lean over Peter a bit to grab Peter’s phone from the coffee table. He gave it to Peter and let him answer. “Hey, El,” he said when he answered. He was quiet for a few moments and then he gasped. “El, that’s fantastic news!” Neal gave him a curious glance. “God, hon. I’m so happy for you—both of you.” Neal listened to half of the conversation, trying to figure out what was going on. When Peter finally got off of the phone, Neal looked at him expectantly. “Diana proposed to El tonight,” he said happily. “And El is pregnant.”

Neal looked shocked for a moment and then laughed sweetly. “Wow. Two biggies in one night. That’s amazing.” He smiled at his husband, rubbing Peter’s chest. “El went to a sperm donor and got pregnant?” Peter nodded. “I thought she couldn’t conceive? You’re okay with that?”

“Of course, honey. She and Di are thrilled. I’m not disappointed that she didn’t have my baby if that’s what you’re getting at.” He stroked Neal’s hair, sighing contentedly. “Maybe it’s just that she and I weren’t meant to have a baby together. I may not be able to have children biologically connected to myself, so that may have been our issue rather than _her_ being unable to conceive. She and Diana were more than likely meant to have a baby together—and you and I will have a baby soon, too.”

Neal’s eyes widened as he thought about all of this. “Jesus. I know El’s wanted kids for a long time. We’ll have to go see her tomorrow and congratulate them both in person.”

Peter eventually pulled Neal on top of him to kiss him passionately since they were still alone. They’d hear Nicky coming if he were heading back upstairs, so they just relaxed. The older man was hard against his husband and he muttered, “At least we know my problem isn’t that I’m impotent.” Neal giggled against his lips. “I get you pregnant all the time anyway.”

“Yeah. We have at _least_ fifty children already. It’s pretty amazing how you can get a man pregnant.” Peter opened his eyes and stared up at his husband, smiling sweetly at him. “Unless you’re going for the fact that I’m the more feminine of the two of us.”

“You’re a man,” Peter said, raising an eyebrow. “I’m not going to call you the mommy or ‘the more feminine of the two of us.’ You’re my _husband_. You’re the daddy and very, _very_ much a man.”

Neal smiled at him. “I’m glad to hear that,” he said teasingly. “I wasn’t sure if I was or not, so you totally just cleared it up for me.”

Peter rolled his eyes before pecking Neal’s lips. “You’re such a smartass, but I love you to death.”

•◊•

Neal hugged Elizabeth, grinning. He rubbed her back as she cried happily against his shoulder. “I’m so happy,” she whispered to him.

“I’m happy for you,” he said sincerely. Peter and Diana were in the kitchen discussing wedding details and Elizabeth’s pregnancy. “Peter told me last night. How far along are you?”

She giggled. “Almost through the first trimester now.”

Neal backed up to smile softly at her. “That’s fantastic, El. You _have_ to tell us when you figure out if you’re having a boy or girl. We can plan accordingly to set our babies up for an arranged marriage.”

She smacked his chest playfully and his eyes lit up. “It means a lot to have you and Peter excited for me, too. He’s excited about your baby and I was thrilled to hear about it, so I returned the favor.”

“I’m gonna tell you now that Nicky will be all over you as you progress through the pregnancy. He _loves_ it. He kept rubbing Tara’s belly when she was over for a little while. I can only imagine how excited he’ll be once the baby is mobile and kicking.”

Elizabeth led him over to the couch and she sat down with him, continuing to smile at him. “I literally called Peter the moment we found out, so you both should feel very special,” she teased him. She reached over and patted his cheek and he chuckled. “How are you doing, sweetheart?”

“Pregnant since Peter seems to have a magical talent for—”

“Hon,” she interjected softly. He gave her a confused look. “I’m concerned about you.”

He sighed. “Peter talked to you?” She nodded. “I’m all right. He’s really worried, too, so I’m trying to ease his worries and just act…sane.” He ran his fingers through his hair and gave her a weak smile. “I’m really trying for him. I don’t like that I’m scaring him.” She took his left hand and held it gently. “We talked about our family last night and he put a lot of things into perspective. I can’t lose myself or my control because he needs me as his husband and our children will need me as their daddy. I can’t imagine how bad things would be for them all if I…lost it. Peter would be a mess and the kids—I don’t know. All I know is that I need to work harder. I need to think about _them_ and stop getting so absorbed in my problems.”

“That isn’t what Peter meant, honey. You can’t let go of the things that bother you for understandable reasons and he knows that. He loves you regardless. All he wants is for you to stay for him. He needs to know he makes you happy enough to _live_ your life with him. If you kill yourself or leave him, he’ll spiral into a place no one would be able to bring him back from.” Neal frowned, rubbing his thumb over El’s fingers. “He loves you to death, sweetie. I know you love him just as much, but you need to remind that stubborn man. He wants to be worthy of you and your love and—”

“He’s worth so much more than me and my love,” Neal interjected. “God. He’s so damn amazing. I have always known he’s amazing and I’ve told him that _I’m_ not worth his time or love too many times to count. That man is the best I could ever imagine having in my life. If something happened to us, there would never be another man like Peter.” Elizabeth smiled softly at him, loving that Neal and Peter were both able to talk to her about their relationship. “Besides, he knows too damn much about me,” Neal said, laughing lightly. “He knows all of my secrets. The bastard wouldn’t be allowed to leave with them.”

She giggled and shook her head. “He’d never tell a soul about them. Peter has his own confidentiality rules. Everything ‘Neal-related’ stays in a file no one else will ever be able to look at.”

He glanced at the kitchen and smiled to himself as he watched his husband talk to Diana. “Don’t I know it,” he said quietly. She looked at the two in the kitchen for a moment and then shifted a bit to lean against Neal who held her close. “Without him, I never would have gotten help or worked through things. He has always encouraged me to talk if I need to and he’s the reason Vincent, Craig, and Garrett were put away. If I didn’t have his support, I never would have pursued anything against any of them. I would have been too afraid to.”

She rested a hand on his chest, nuzzling her face against his collarbone. “I’m glad you two met,” she whispered. “I’ve never seen Peter so happy and I’m really glad you were able to get the help you deserved.”

Neal lifted his hand and stroked El’s hair absentmindedly. “Thank you for letting me have him,” he whispered, gently pressing his lips against the crown of her head. “We all got the one we spent so much time looking for. You found your wife-to-be and I have a husband. All of this was a whole lot of chance.”

“You have a man you deserve and you’re going to have a second baby soon that you can both raise. I have Di and we’re going to be mommas together. After everything with Peter, I never thought I’d have children. This was all a surprise, honestly. I wasn’t expecting to get pregnant, but I know I’ve got a _huge_ support team to help me through the pregnancy.”

She giggled when he rested his hand on her belly. “I’m excited to be an uncle,” he said with a wink. “Uncle Nealie sounds kind of appealing.”

“Uncle Nealie it is, honey.” He wrapped his arms around her and smiled. Sometimes, things still felt so surreal to him, but he was finally coming to the realization that he isn’t dreaming. Good things _do_ happen.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter's further involvement in Neal's situation makes him panic; Peter receives a very stunning surprise while he's with the mother of the baby they're going to adopt.

Peter glanced up from his paperwork when he heard his office door shut. Diana came in and looked frustrated. “I found evidence,” she said quietly. “Keller made phone calls to the woman we arrested and we have video footage to prove that he was in contact with Adler prior to the escape. I’m beginning to think Keller arranged the whole thing.”

“I wouldn’t put it past him,” Peter muttered. “I don’t understand why they planned for Adler to escape. Wouldn’t Keller be more interested in getting himself out of prison?” She gave him a look and he understood. “Keller knows Neal’s afraid of Adler more than he’s afraid of Keller. You think they’re playing with Neal?” She nodded. “Why Adler though? Everybody knows that Laird did things that were ten times if not _more_ horrible than anything Adler ever did to Neal.”

She stepped closer to his desk and set a file down on Peter’s desk. “Adler and Laird were also in contact. I have him being heavily guarded now. I’m afraid Adler might try to break him out.”

“Holy shit,” Peter whispered, horrified. “I-I need to…” He looked down into the bullpen, watching his husband work diligently. “I need to get him out of the city for a little while. I can’t let them hurt him again. He’s angry with Keller’s involvement in Ellen’s death and I’ve had a hard time keeping him in control of _that_ situation. If they try… If they _succeed_ in raping him, I can’t help him. He will kill himself, Diana. They’d go after him together rather than separately and…” His stomach twisted painfully and his heart ached as he thought about the things Craig and Vincent would do to Neal if they both had him. Craig nearly killed Neal when he’d taken him and Vincent wouldn’t be so merciful this time around. “I can’t lose him. I can’t let them hurt him. I need to get him and Nicky out of New York until this all blows over. They need to be stopped.”

Diana nodded slowly. “I can make aliases for all three of you to get you out of the city. I don’t want to see him hurt either, boss.” She glanced at the picture Peter had on his desk of himself and Neal. Neal’s arms were draped over Peter’s shoulders, his hands clasped in front of Peter’s chest. They both looked so happy together and Diana wanted to sob as she thought about all of the implications of Adler’s escape. If she were right, Craig would be broken out and they’d hunt Neal down. She knew that they wouldn’t hesitate to rape him again and they might end up killing him before Neal could find a way to end his own life or before Peter could come to save him. “You need to talk to him. If you aren’t honest with him about this, he won’t be expecting any of this.”

“I don’t want him expecting this,” Peter said tightly. “I want him to go to bed dreaming about our future and our family. I can’t listen to him scream in terror or sob until he can’t breathe. Diana, you don’t understand… No one understands how much pain he goes through. _I_ don’t even know how much pain he goes through. I just watch him and die inside.” He held his forehead in his palm, breathing shakily. He couldn’t help imagining the things Neal would go through as well as what he’d already been through. “I can’t live without him and I can’t let them rape him again. His body and mind won’t be able to take it. I know he’s strong, but they would break him in an instant if they hurt him together.”

“Ask him to leave with you,” she whispered. “Reese would completely understand. He’d do the same if he were you. Peter, you have him and children to think about. If you didn’t try to protect him in any way you could, you wouldn’t be you.”

He wanted to sob. He remembered the way Neal broke down in front of him when he’d pushed Neal too far and essentially forced Neal to reveal that he’d been raped by Adler as a teenager. He’d suffered with Neal through all of that and then Craig came along and decided to play with Neal as well. Neal was damaged heavily in the aftermath and Peter wasn’t sure if Neal would pull through. His body was abused far worse by Craig than it had been by Vincent. Neal’s nightmares about Craig used to have him screaming while he was still asleep. Those memories haunted Peter. He didn’t want Neal to go through this a third time. “I’m going to force him to leave with me if he doesn’t agree to it. I refuse to let him go about his normal life while they prowl around the city and prey on him.”

Diana nodded and left Peter to his work and his thoughts. He couldn’t focus on his work, instead finding himself watching his husband’s every move. Neal has been on the phone for several minutes and he looked happy, so Peter assumed he might be talking to Elizabeth or Mozzie. He wished Neal could always look that happy.

Rising from his seat, Peter left his office and made his way down the stairs into the bullpen and towards Neal’s desk. “Yes. Eight o’clock tonight—reservation for two under Burke, please.” Neal glanced up at Peter and grinned at him. “Thank you very much.” He hung up and set the phone down before looking up at his husband again. “Hey, lover.” Peter was at a loss for words. His husband was in such a good mood and he couldn’t find it in him to ruin that by demanding that Neal agree to leave the city for a week or so to hide with him and their son. “You all right, babe?”

Peter shook his head to clear his thoughts, focusing on his husband. “Yeah. What was the call about?”

Neal’s smile was affectionate. “It’s date night, remember?”

“Oh. Fuck. You’re right, hon.” He mentally slapped himself for forgetting that he’d promised Neal a date night. They hadn’t had one in a while and Michael said he’d come over to play with Nicky while they were out. Neal just chuckled and kept smiling at Peter. “You look so beautiful,” he whispered to Neal.

The younger man’s face flushed as he ducked his head a bit. He looked up at Peter, seemingly shy. Peter found it absolutely adorable. “You’re pretty damn handsome yourself.” Peter sat on the edge of Neal’s desk and resisted the urge to stroke his husband’s hair. “Based on the look you came over to me with, I take it you have one of two things. Bad news or new case?”

“What look?”

“That look,” Neal said, nodding at him as Peter made the face again. He looked like he was in physical pain and he was. Staring at Neal made him remember how he’d found Neal after what Craig did to him. He remembered how broken, bloody, and bruised Neal was and he felt it all like an echo now. Neal’s pain felt like his own and he was imagining how Neal must have felt to have himself invaded entirely. They tormented Neal’s body to the point where he was crying in pain afterwards. When Neal woke up after the ordeal with Craig, he’d sobbed for a little while and Peter tried to help him calm down with promises that he was safe, but Neal kept telling him that he was in so much pain. “So bad news or new case?”

Peter shrugged, wishing things were different. He wanted Neal regardless of their life situations. If Neal hadn’t been raped, he’d want to be with Neal. He still wanted Neal even though Neal was raped and he’d always want him. Neal’s a good man in his eyes and he’s a man who deserves true and pure love after all of the torture he underwent. “Why does it have to be any kind of new at all? Can’t I just come over to spend some time with you?”

Neal glanced at his computer clock. “It’s not our lunch time yet. You’re usually sorting through some cases or documents you need to sign and pass on.” Peter was really giving himself away and Neal was concerned because Peter wasn’t telling him what was wrong directly. “Peter?”

“Diana and I have found new…information…” Neal nodded, silently encouraging his husband to elaborate. Peter sighed and shook his head. “I think it’d be best if you came up into my office with me. I don’t want to explain it to you down here.” Neal got up when Peter did and followed his husband up into his office. Peter let Neal enter first and then followed him, shutting the door behind them. “I need to ask you something and I need you to understand the severity of the situation.”

Neal stared at the floor fearfully until Peter came around to stand in front of him. “Stop scaring me and just tell me,” he whispered.

“We believe Matthew broke Vincent out. We know he was in contact with the woman who confessed that he was involved in Ellen’s murder. What I’m terrified by is the fact that we just learned that Vincent and Craig were in contact for a short while prior to Vincent’s escape.” Neal’s eyes widened and his lips parted. His throat felt constricted and his entire body felt as though flames were shooting through him, burning him painfully. His body ached and he tensed. Peter noticed and wished he could do something to help. Neal cringed and shuddered, exhaling shakily. “I need to get you and Nicky as far away from this as I can. Will you let me take you both somewhere safe?”

The younger man rubbed his eyes before tears even began to form. “Nowhere is safe with them around, Peter.”

Peter stepped closer to Neal and, bullpen be damned, he caressed Neal’s cheeks, staring at his husband. “I can’t let them get to you,” he whispered fiercely. “I need to protect you, Neal. You need to let me take you out of the city.”

“No,” Neal said, shaking his head. “I told you I won’t run anymore. I want to end all of this. If I keep running, I’ll never be able to stop.”

“Neal, I am _terrified_ by the thought of what they’d do to you if they—”

“Please don’t,” Neal begged him. “For my sake, _please_ don’t try to imagine it.”

Peter moved towards Neal, pressing his forehead against the younger man’s. “I can’t help it,” he said sadly. “I need to keep you safe. I can’t let them hurt you again. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if they took you again. Baby, please…”

Neal gripped Peter’s hips, breathing heavily. “We’re gonna make it through this. They won’t take me or Nicky. We _can’t_ run away, Peter. That’s not who we are.” Peter closed his eyes, silently damning Neal for trying to be strong when he was allowed to fall to pieces. “I ran away from him for almost twenty years and the toll that took on me was…was horrible. I was always looking over my shoulder, expecting him to be right there behind me. I don’t want to live that way again. Please, Peter. Please, don’t make me live my life in fear.”

The older man kissed his husband fiercely, trying to convey how afraid he was. He didn’t care if anyone were watching them. He needed to help Neal. “I will do anything to get you to leave New York with me,” Peter whispered. “I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want them to rape you. Neal, I want to save you and you need to let me.”

“I have you already,” Neal said hoarsely. “You can protect me _here._ If we run, our family will fall apart. I struggled to balance my fears with raising Nicky before you came into my life and that was hell on me. If you make me go through that again…”

Peter slid his arms around Neal’s torso, holding him tightly. “I love you,” he whispered. “I can’t bear the thought of them raping you, causing you so much pain… Baby, I don’t want them to torture you again. I love you too much to let them get to you. Please, let me help you…”

Neal stepped back and rubbed his face, staring at Peter. “The more you believe they’ll rape me again, the more likely it’ll be because you’ll just wait for them to grab me. If you’re so afraid of them raping me, then—”

“Don’t even finish that ultimatum,” Peter growled. “I will do everything in my power for you, Neal. If you won’t run with me, what are we going to do?”

“We wait,” Neal whispered.

Peter stared at his husband in disbelief. “I’m not going to sit here and _wait_ for those monsters to rape you, Neal!”

Neal flinched and stepped further away from Peter. “Then don’t. _You_ can run. I’m not running anymore.”

“You think I’d run away from you?”

“I don’t know what to think!” Neal cried exasperatedly. He didn’t know what to do or say. This wasn’t how he wanted their morning to go. He was excited for their date and he wanted to keep the excitement flowing. Fighting with Peter was counterproductive. “Do your work. I’ll figure it out.” He turned and left without giving Peter the chance to say another word.

•◊•

Neal sat quietly at their table as they ate. He and Peter hadn’t gone to lunch together earlier in the day nor had they spoken very much in general since their argument. “I’m sorry,” Peter said, setting his fork down abruptly. He waited for Neal to look at him before continuing. “I’m sorry for scaring you and for saying things I shouldn’t have said. All I want to do is take care of you and I know I’m doing the opposite of that right now.”

Peter tentatively reached across the table and Neal didn’t hesitate to intertwine their fingers. “I know,” he whispered. “I know how hard this is on you, Peter. You’re as terrified as I am by the possibilities, but I don’t want to think about them. I’d rather pretend they’re nonexistent than consider the fact that I could be murdered as I’m being raped.” Peter cringed and Neal bit his lip.

He hadn’t meant to be so graphic, but the thought had crossed his mind since Peter told him what was going on. “I don’t want to think about you in that situation. I want to hold you tonight and every night after that for the rest of our lives. Neal, I can’t do this without you. I can barely sleep let alone _live_ without you. Losing you is the most frightening thought of all.”

Neal gave his husband a sad smile. “Believe me when I say I’m petrified just by the thought of never seeing you again,” he whispered. “I don’t care how broken and beaten my body or mind could ever be. Never seeing you again would destroy me.”

“We’re going to make it through this,” Peter whispered, squeezing Neal’s fingers. “I’m going to protect you and Nicky. I’m going to sound possessive, but…”

“I don’t want you to leave me alone,” Neal murmured. “If I’m with you or if I know Nicky is with you, then everything is okay. It’s… It’s when we _aren’t_ with you that scares me.”

Peter nodded slowly. “I promised you I’d stay at your side,” he said softly. “I won’t leave either of you. You two are the loves of my life. I need my husband and our son… I’m acting emotional right now, but I _mean_ everything I’m saying. Without one or both of you, I’m nothing but an empty husk.”

Neal shuddered, bowing his head for a moment. Peter gripped Neal’s hand a little tighter to keep Neal in the present in case he was falling backwards. “I…can’t talk about this anymore for right now, okay? I love you and I know this conversation is important, but I’m just physically unable to keep going.” Peter gave him a concerned look and Neal sighed heavily. “I feel cold, empty, and dead,” he admitted. “If we keep talking about this while I’m feeling this way, I don’t know what’s going to happen.”

“Okay. Okay, honey,” Peter said softly. He understood what Neal was saying and he was glad Neal was able to tell him that he was feeling this way. “How are the pierogies?”

“Pretty good.” He glanced at the wedding band on Peter’s hand and smiled a little before meeting Peter’s eyes. “And the steak for you, my love?”

Peter returned his smile. “Almost as good as the sight of my beautiful husband.” Neal blushed a bit, chuckling quietly. “You picked a good restaurant. I like this place a lot. The music is nice, the food is delicious, and the lighting is perfect—so perfect that my heart flutters when I look at you and soak in just how God damn beautiful you are.”

“Flattery isn’t exactly a preferable change in topic,” Neal teased.

“I mean every word of it,” Peter said, lifting Neal’s hand to kiss knuckles. “I get so lost in your eyes and just imagining the feeling of your soft, warm skin against mine…”

Neal gave him a crooked smile now. “Sexy thoughts already? We haven’t even finished eating,” he admonished.

Peter shrugged and chuckled. “All I want right now is to get undressed with you and just lie beside you. I want to hold you close and rub your skin against mine.”

“In other words: you want to fuck.”

Peter rolled his eyes and shook his head. “You’re impossible, brat. _No._ I mean I want to cuddle with you.”

Neal smiled, laughing. “Whatever you say, babe. Innocent cuddling always becomes really hot lovemaking within a very short period of time.”

The older man rubbed his husband’s hand with his thumb. “It does,” he admitted, “but not always. I’m perfectly content with lying beside you in bed. Sex or no sex, I’m still with the love of my life.”

They finished up their dinner and started to head out to the car, hand in hand. “Couple more months and we’ll be celebrating our third year of marriage,” Neal whispered, looking up at him.

“And our fifth year together,” Peter added. “What’re we gonna do to celebrate this year?”

Neal swung their hands gently as they crossed the parking lot. “We’ve had really hot sex in a hotel room, on the beach—which was romantically stupid since we decided to go at _night_ —and in our bed. We did all of that in one night for the last two years and that was fun. You’re really sexy when we’re celebrating.”

Peter chuckled, letting go of Neal’s hand long enough for them to get into the car. He took Neal’s hand once they were buckled in and smiled. “Well, August twenty-eighth is very, very special. First of all, it’s the day we first got together four years ago. Second, you married me on the same day two years ago. I have so many reasons to celebrate with you. You let me into your life, your heart, your mind, and eventually your body.”

“Oh, that’s good,” Neal teased. “You had to throw in the fact that I let you _into_ my body.”

“You did!” Peter said defensively. “We didn’t make love until a few months later, but you’re so important to me. I have treasured every moment I spent with you. Looking into your beautiful eyes at any moment, staring at your luscious lips, touching your warm skin, making love to you as passionately as I can... I love kissing you and holding you among many other things. I love stroking your hair and giving you massages when you’re tired and tense.”

Neal smiled. He really hated himself at times despite all that he’s done in the last four years to rearrange his life. When Peter talked like this, he wanted to cry. Peter knew every single way to make him feel better about himself and he always used them all. Peter knew everything, Neal realized. The one thing he was always grateful for was that Peter knew when to cut himself off. He knew when he was complimenting Neal to the point where Neal felt he was being unrealistic and he also knew when to _think_ during an argument so he wouldn’t slip up and hurt Neal by using his past as a dagger to stab him in the back.

Peter respected him even when they were hostile with each other. Even if they had one of those rare nights where all they had was angry sex, Peter respected him and made sure Neal was okay. He wasn’t intentionally brutal nor was he cruel. “You’re amazing,” Neal whispered, leaning closer to kiss his husband. Peter gave him a brief kiss before they mutually parted and Peter started to drive them home. “Thank you for everything, Peter. You always make me so happy.”

“That’s what your hubby is supposed to do when you make said hubby just as happy, angel, and that’s what he’ll always do for you.”

“I wasn’t worried about that one bit,” Neal said quietly, resting his head against the headrest while smiling at his husband. “I know I’ve got it good.”

•◊•

Neal moaned against Peter’s throat, shutting his eyes tightly. Peter was making love to him as roughly as Neal could handle. He always made Neal promise to tell him when to stop or slow down. Either way, he’d do exactly what Neal wanted. The last thing Peter wanted to do was hurt his husband. “Peter. Fuck,” Neal said tightly. “God.” His lips parted and he breathed heavily, gasping quietly.

Peter slowed down a bit, slow enough to talk to him. “You okay?”

“Mhm,” Neal acknowledged quietly. Peter was pounding into him per Neal’s request and it was really good for them both so far, but Neal was in a little bit of pain. He didn’t want to admit that to Peter because he was really enjoying the ferocity Peter made love to him with. It was so intense and he needed this. Peter always held out on Neal, fearing the slightest movement that went either too deep or too fast would hurt Neal and scare him. They talked about their future and all that they wanted to do with the rest of their lives and Neal was excited, needless to say. Neal didn’t want Peter to hold out on him now. He wanted it fast paced because it went right along with the exhilaration that came with the realization of having a partner for the rest of his life who wanted to start a family with him.

While Neal laid on Peter’s right arm after being propped up by him, the older man slid his left hand down Neal’s right side, making sure he was rubbing his wedding ring against Neal. It was his little quirk, reminding Neal that Neal belongs to him. “Angel,” Peter breathed, mouthing against Neal’s throat now. He wanted to taste his husband so badly in any way possible. He considered giving Neal a blowjob, but Neal didn’t want it. He wanted Peter inside of him. Peter figured that he’d be allowed to taste the remnants of Neal’s pleasure in the end though. He liked cleaning his husband’s stomach afterwards.

Neal’s back clung to the bed sheets as Peter alternated between lifting him up and laying him back down occasionally. He was sweating heavily and knew they’d definitely need to wash the sheets the next morning. His hair was an absolute disaster that Peter styled himself and his face was flushed. “I love you,” he murmured, rubbing his thigh against Peter’s hip.

Peter smiled as he continued to thrust into his husband. “I love you,” he replied softly, grunting as he slammed into Neal’s prostate again and again. Neal was burning up inside and out, gasping as he clawed at Peter’s back. He had no reason to be afraid of Peter. They’ve tried different kinds of sex over the last couple of years and they’ve really built up their trust factor by doing so. He trusted Peter to overwhelm him to a certain extent and he knew Peter well enough by this point to know that Peter was always thinking about the way Neal’s feeling.

Just the thought of Peter being inside of him, making love and possessing him, was enough to make Neal’s heart flutter. He never liked sex this much before, but none of the others were _Peter._ Sex scared him for a very long time even though he forced himself to endure it, but Peter changed that. He showed Neal what lovemaking is. It wasn’t just sex or senseless fucking between them. They’re a married couple who loves each other very much and they make love to one another. Neal thought of it like that after spending each moment in bed with this man.

“Peter,” Neal cried out quietly as Peter hit him at a particularly rough angle. Peter knew by his tone alone that it wasn’t exactly pleasant and he apologized immediately. Peter readjusted to make Neal comfortable and then they got back into their rhythm. Neal’s breathing was ragged as he drew closer to his orgasm, which tipped Peter off. Each and every thrust against Neal’s prostate brought them both closer to release until Neal finally shut his eyes tightly and whispered Peter’s name fiercely while he came on his own stomach. Peter wasn’t far behind him. He was still trying to get used to ejaculating inside of his husband rather than in a condom even after two years. He really enjoyed the sensations that came without the condom and gathered that Neal enjoyed it, too.

Neal was flat on the mattress, gasping for breath in small pants. Peter was still inside of him and he could feel Peter’s release inside of himself. Peter smiled at his exhausted husband even though Neal wasn’t looking at him just yet. He brushed Neal’s sweaty hair back and kissed Neal’s forehead, nose, and lips. “You feel okay, angel?”

The younger man nodded, slowly opening his eyes. “So warm,” he murmured. Peter chuckled, knowing it was bedtime for Neal. Once he was comfortable, warm, and content, it was only a matter of time before he was asleep. “Stay inside me forever,” he begged.

Peter laughed lightly. “If only that were possible. We could never leave the bed.”

“You could just carry me around,” Neal suggested, giving Peter a teasing smile. “You like wrapping my legs around your waist and holding me in front of you anyway—might as well make it a little more enjoyable.”

Peter shook his head, sighing happily as he kissed Neal’s lips again. “You’re cute when you’re sleepy.” Neal’s eyes were half-closed and he kept smiling. “Sleep, hon.” Neal was asleep moments later, snoring quietly beneath Peter. Peter loved this. He loved that Neal trusted him enough to leave himself so vulnerable and exposed after making love with Peter. He was drained, but he wanted Peter’s closeness nonetheless.

Peter shifted around a bit, cringing when Neal made a soft moan of pain as he twisted them both. He wanted to be on his back with Neal on his chest so he wasn’t crushing Neal. If Neal were semiconscious, Peter would’ve suggested finding a comfortable position to fall asleep in. He rarely had the opportunity to rest his head on Neal’s chest and he wanted to do that at some point in the near future. Neal told Peter that Peter’s heart sounded beautiful and happy. He hadn’t had enough time to listen to Neal’s to make a similar judgment, but he’d like to. The few times he’d listened to Neal’s heart made him happy. Neal’s heart pounded in excitement. Peter could feel it against his chest, but that wasn’t the same as pressing his ear against his husband’s chest to listen.

He pulled the blanket up a bit more to cover Neal better, sliding his hands underneath it to rub up and down Neal’s back slowly. He closed his eyes and just listened to the sounds his husband made—sounds he was comfortable with because he knew they were _Neal._

•◊•

Peter sat with Karen as they waited in the waiting room. She was getting a sonogram done and asked if Peter wouldn’t mind being there. He felt a little out of place, but Neal wasn’t feeling very well and Nicky was home sick with him. Peter wasn’t sure what to do for Karen or how to support her. He’d done very little research into this after everything with Elizabeth didn’t work out. Neal didn’t go to any of the appointments Kate made when she was pregnant due to his not knowing, but he did lots of research once they were told they’d been chosen by Karen. He wanted to know everything that occurred during the pregnancy, internally and externally, and he looked into several illnesses the baby could be born with because he wanted to be prepared. Peter had no idea how Neal could process and retain all of that information, but he was glad one of them could.

“You okay, Peter?”

He glanced up from his phone and looked a bit startled. He’d been waiting for a reply from Neal since he’d texted him about twenty minutes ago to ask how he was doing. “Yeah. Just…worrying about Neal as usual.”

She gave him a small smile. “I’m sure he’s all right. You guys are so good together.” She patted the hand he had resting on the armrest and grinned. “I’m really glad I picked you two. You’ll both be perfect parents for the baby.”

That warmed his heart. “Neal’s fantastic and I’m learning from him. I have an excellent example for a father at home.” She leaned against him and he smiled a bit. “I was kind of intimidated by Nick when I first met him because I was in the early stages of falling in love with Neal at the time. Neal, being the great dad he is, wouldn’t have stayed with me if Nicky didn’t trust me—or if Neal didn’t trust me with Nicky. He puts Nick first and I love that about him. I’ve barely been around children, so I’m…out of practice, I guess. He’s promised to attune my fatherly abilities that are _somewhere_ deep down inside me.”

Karen giggled and he smiled wider. “My dad wouldn’t come with me when I asked him if he’d come to this appointment because I was scared. He’s not very supportive and I can tell you and Neal would be supportive. I’m sure Nicky’s done some things you guys weren’t happy about, but you two seem like you’re down to earth.”

“He’s our baby,” Peter said quietly. “Neal and I will always support him and we’ve tried to let him know that whenever he seems to question that.” He considered draping an arm around her shoulders, but he felt that that might be very inappropriate considering where they were. The last thing he needed was for someone to figure out that he isn’t Karen’s father and immediately assume he’s the one who got Karen pregnant. She’s a minor, so he was making sure he was very careful. That was the major FBI agent paranoia speaking to him.

Peter’s phone buzzed and he immediately looked at it. “ _Feeling shitty. Got sick a little bit ago. Kill me?_ ”

Peter smiled affectionately, responding, “Kind of need you, hon. Survive another day for me, please?”

“Did Neal write you back?” He nodded. “I figured. You perked up all of a sudden.”

He chuckled. “You’d think we’d be kind of sick of each other by now. We’ve lived together since we got together and he hasn’t kicked me out yet.”

She looked surprised and he was confused, rethinking what he’d just said. He couldn’t see anything wrong with what he’d said. “You lived together from the start?” He nodded warily. “Wow. You guys really do have a strong relationship if you can put up with each other that long.” He chuckled and stared at the picture of Neal he had on his lockscreen.

Peter traced Neal’s lips on his screen, whispering, “I’ve loved him since day one. The moment I met him, I was compelled by him. He acted so awkward at first and then he trusted me with—” He cut himself off, his eyes widening slightly. He was so used to talking about Neal in their exclusive group of friends that he sometimes _nearly_ let everything slip. Neal would probably kill him if he told Karen about Neal’s past. There was no way in hell he was going there. He could’ve lost Neal for simply reading his journal. Telling someone who Neal didn’t feel comfortable sharing his sensitive past with would _certainly_ end them. “He trusted me with a lot of things,” he said quietly.

His phone buzzed a few minutes after his near blunder and his heart fluttered when he read the text. “ _I’d go on forever if you asked it of me. I’ll suffer with this flu for you. Love you so much, Peter._ ” The smiley face at the end made him smile.

“I appreciate that as much as I appreciate you, baby. I love you so much—I don’t know how it feels not to love you anymore,” he replied to Neal.

In less than two minutes, Neal replied with, “ _I hope you always love me. I know I’ll always love you. Even if you’re an asshole sometimes, you’re my asshole._ ”

Peter laughed out loud. He shook his head when Karen looked up at him, confused. He wrote back, “You know I’m always going to love you. What did I do to warrant being called an asshole? Laundry problem?”

“How’s he doing?” Karen asked softly.

“Well enough to playfully insult me,” he said, chuckling. His phone went off just as they were called in for the appointment. “Fuck,” he muttered. Karen looked up at him fearfully and he added, “I’ll be right in, Karen. I need to call Neal really quick.” She nodded and hesitantly followed the woman who came to get them.

Peter stepped out of the waiting area and into a hallway so as not to disturb anyone. He dialed Neal and waited the few moments it took for Neal to answer. “ _Don’t think you needed to call me, lover,_ ” Neal said hoarsely. He started coughing violently on the other end and it made Peter cringe. He was just imagining how Neal’s body contorted with each cough.

“Hey. When you’re telling me you’re vomiting blood and I’m an asshole because I misplaced the doctor’s phone number on _your_ notepad, I’m kinda concerned, honey.”

“ _It’s not as bad as I think I made it sound. I googled the issue and it’s probably just because I’m coughing like fucking crazy. I’m sure I’m fine, love._ ”

Peter groaned disapprovingly. “Your health is important to me. If it’s something serious, we need to figure out what it is so we can take care of it before it gets to an extreme we can’t help.”

Neal’s laugh sounded ragged and painful. “ _Babe, I’m fine. All I did was vomit blood. Nothing else wrong with me. I promise._ ” Peter was skeptical only because he knew Neal could downplay an illness or problem if he didn’t want Peter to worry about him.

“Is there anything I can bring you from the store? After Karen’s done, I’m dropping her off at home and then I can make an extra stop if you need something.”

His husband’s coughing fits were worrying him. “ _Get me some ginger ale and I’ll…do whatever you want me to do for a month at the very least._ ”

Peter rolled his eyes. “I will get some for you, baby. You go curl up with Nicky and stay warm. You were cold when I was getting out of bed this morning.”

“ _I’m hotter than hell now,_ ” Neal muttered.

The older man smirked. “You have _always_ been hotter than hell.”

“ _Ha-ha. Very funny. No. I’m serious. Like, I’m sweating a God damn swimming pool in bed. You’d think we just had sex._ ”

“Where the hell is Nicky if you’re talking to me like this?” Peter asked, laughing.

Neal sighed. “ _Supposedly the kitchen to get me some crackers or soup or whatever he promised me he was getting. I honestly don’t remember._ ”

“You are so out of it. Geez.”

“ _Oh, thanks. Do I win the award for dumbass husband of the flu season?_ ” Peter couldn’t tell if he’d pissed Neal off because Neal sounded so hoarse. It could honestly be one extreme or the other on Neal’s mood scale. “ _Judging by your silence, I’m gonna guess you need me tell you I was kidding._ ” Peter exhaled a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding. “ _Wow. You worry way too much._ ”

Peter closed his eyes, imagining Neal right now. “Because I have the best reason,” he murmured. “My husband is the center of my world. Without him, I don’t know what I’d do. He keeps me warm and happy and—”

“ _Nice ass kissing._ ” Peter chuckled, telling Neal that he meant what he was saying. “ _Oh, I know, love. You excessively compliment me. I don’t doubt anything you just said. My husband is the center of my world, too—he just shares it with my son as well._ ”

The older man smiled. “I bet he’s happy to share that space with the little boy he loves like his own.”

He could imagine Neal smiling. “ _He is. He’s the best husband ever. He has a heart of gold, a thick and long dick of steel, and a body gorgeous beyond compare._ ”

Peter covered his mouth to stifle his laughter. “My husband is perfect,” he said once he had himself under control. “Beautiful heart, eyes, and hair, a thick cock I love to suck, and a body I’ll worship until my dying breath.” Neal moaned quietly on the other end and Peter kind of wished he’d stayed home with Neal if only to make sweet love to him. “As much as I love this conversation, I kind of left Karen so I could—”

“ _Oh, shit. Right. Get in there. If you fuck this up, we might not get the baby in the end and I’ll hate you forever._ ” Peter rolled his eyes, especially when Neal added, “ _But I can learn to love you again if you bring ginger ale home. In all seriousness, you should get back in there. She’s probably scared half to death._ ”

“You’re probably right. I’ll call you from the car when we’re leaving, okay?”

Neal laughed lightly. “ _I’m not gonna die between now and then, but okay. Looking forward to hearing your voice in a little bit. I love you._ ”

“I love you, too, hon.”

He hung up and went back into the waiting area. He crossed through it and made it into the back where Karen was with not much of an issue. He took a seat a little ways away from where Karen was having her sonogram done. He watched with curiosity as the woman rubbed gel over Karen’s stomach.

The two were making idle chitchat while everything was going on and then Peter looked at the screen. At first, he wondered what the hell they were looking at, but then he realized it was the baby. He was awed by it. The woman was going over how the baby was developing and Peter was just taken by the sight. He loved how the baby looked and it wasn’t even here yet. “Can we tell what it is yet?” Karen asked. Peter and Neal discussed early on if they wanted to know the sex of the baby and they were both okay with knowing, so they’d asked Karen how she felt and she was eager to know herself.

It was the beginning of February now and she was about seven months along. She’d been coming here with her mother for a portion of the appointments until her father decided it was time that she learns to do things on her own since she was old enough to have a child. She’d immediately turned to Neal and Peter and they offered to join her if she wanted them to. Neal went to the appointments earlier in the pregnancy and he’d always come home to Peter a little disappointed because the baby was being stubborn and didn’t want to reveal what it was.

Peter and Karen raptly watched the screen as the practitioner roamed over Karen’s belly to see if she could figure it out. When she did, she smiled. “It looks like you’re having a baby boy.”

Karen looked over at Peter and grinned at him. “Congratulations to the Burkes,” she said, giggling. Karen made a surprised sound when the baby started moving around a bit and Peter couldn’t help watching the baby on the screen. He and Neal were going to have another son and he was really excited.

He couldn’t identify things on the screen very well, but the practitioner looked a bit surprised. “What’s wrong?”

She looked at Karen and then at Peter. “You’re having twins,” she said quietly. Peter and Karen were both floored. She hadn’t realized she had _two_ babies inside of her. She didn’t look like she did either. The practitioner was carefully touching Karen in an attempt to figure out what the sex of the other baby was. She showed them both what she found and explained the image on the screen since Peter was absolutely lost. He realized that the one was _definitely_ a boy and the other was a girl. “You’re having a boy and a girl.”

“Peter, I swear I didn’t know. I… Peter—”

He got up from his seat and walked to her, hushing her. “Don’t panic. It’s all okay. You’re not in trouble or anything.”

“You and Neal—you’re only taking one. What am I supposed to do with the second one?”

She sounded like she was near hysterics. “We’ll take them both,” he said quietly. She looked surprised. “Neal would kill me if I told him you’re having twins and then followed that up with ‘baby, we’re only keeping one.’ I highly doubt Neal would ever separate twins like that.” He took her hand in his and gave her a small smile. “Neal will be excited, Karen. Don’t worry.”

He watched her face, seeing signs of distress he’d seen in Neal when Neal was going to have a panic attack. He didn’t think Karen was going to have one though. Neal’s entire body reacted to an oncoming panic attack. “You guys will really take both of them?”

“We’re both big on family,” he said softly. “Neal, especially. He loves children.” She started to calm down and he was relieved. “Neal is an angel and a fantastic father. He can teach me how to be almost as good as he is.” She giggled at that and he chuckled quietly. “He’s going to be so excited,” he whispered. “I honestly can’t wait to tell him.”

They were finished up shortly thereafter and Peter was driving Karen home. She’d been quiet after he’d calmed her down and he wondered if something were wrong. It dawned on him then that she was afraid of _one_ birth and now she had _two_ to go through. He glanced at her and she whispered, “I didn’t even think it was possible for me to have twins at my age.”

“Anything’s possible,” he said gently. “I understand how scary this must be. I couldn’t imagine doing this if I were you.” She looked like that only made her feel worse and he wished Neal would magically appear in the backseat to cheer her up. He was good with the whole parenting situation and he’d managed to get Karen through a few of her fears. “You know you’re not alone. Neal and I are at your beck and call, Karen. You’re giving us two beautiful children. The very least we can do is support you. You have both of our cell numbers. We will _always_ be there if you need us—during and, if need be, afterwards as well.”

She smiled sadly. “I really appreciate that, Peter. You and Neal are great and I’m so lucky to have found dads like you two. I know the babies are going to a home they’ll be loved unconditionally in.” Peter wasn’t sure what to say, so he just nodded silently and drove. He couldn’t wait to tell Neal the news the moment he got home.


	11. Chapter 11

Peter went into the house quietly. He could hear the game system on downstairs and shook his head. “Baby, I’m home,” he called out softly. If Neal were on the floor, he’d hear Peter. Since Neal didn’t respond, Peter figured Neal listened to him and actually stayed in bed. He took his jacket and shoes off, hanging the jacket on the rack behind the door. He headed upstairs and immediately went into his bedroom, finding his husband sleeping on his stomach. He smiled and crawled onto the bed. He laid beside Neal, kissing his bare back. “Honey,” he whispered, peppering kisses across Neal’s warm skin. “Hey. I’m home.”

Neal groaned and rolled onto his back to look at his husband through half-closed eyes. When he realized it was Peter, he smiled. “Hey.” Peter kissed his forehead. “Missed you.”

“I missed you, too,” Peter said softly. He touched Neal’s forehead with the back of his hand and Neal closed his eyes again. “You’re still pretty warm.” Neal nodded and lifted the blanket so Peter could slide under it to get closer to him. Peter laughed quietly as he scooted closer to Neal. “You must be feeling pretty sick to sleep naked with Nicky up and about.”

Neal shrugged. “He’s too old to sleep with his dad,” he murmured.

Peter rolled his eyes. Nicky was still trying to get a little bit of freedom when it came to Neal, but Peter made sure there were no more arguments between the two of them. He hates when they fight because he knows Neal needs him, but Nicky does as well. Neal never said he resented Peter for talking to Nicky first. If anything, Neal was grateful. Peter seemed to have the ability to talk some sense into the teenager. “Well, I’m not too old to sleep with his dad,” he whispered, kissing Neal’s forehead. Neal chuckled and snuggled closer to Peter until Peter wrapped his arms around him and held him.

A few minutes of quiet went by and then Neal inhaled sharply and opened his eyes to look up at Peter. “How did the sonogram go? Was Karen okay?”

“All went well. She and the baby are fine. Neal, I got to see the baby.” Neal smiled sleepily at him. “That’s the first time I’ve ever seen a baby on a screen like that. My sister brought pictures home when she was pregnant with my nieces, but those pictures weren’t _moving._ ”

Neal kissed Peter’s jaw. “It’s fascinating,” he whispered.

Peter smiled. “Want to see a picture?” Neal perked up and nodded, twisting to lay on his back. Peter shifted around a bit, pulling his wallet out of his jeans pocket. He opened it up and smiled, taking the copy of the sonogram he’d been given out of his wallet. He handed it to Neal and watched his husband’s face. He’d looked so sleepy and now he was really excited.

The older man was waiting for Neal to look a little closer. When Neal’s brows furrowed, he turned the picture back to Peter and asked, “What’s this?” He was pointing at the second baby. He definitely didn’t think Karen would be having twins, so he chose to discard that idea.

“Neal, we’re going to be the daddies of very beautiful babies.” Neal’s eyes widened in surprise.

“Are you serious?” Peter nodded in response and Neal surged up on their bed, pulling Peter down for a fierce kiss. Despite the fact that Neal was sick, Peter returned the ferocity of the kiss. He was a bit surprised when Neal leaned back and pulled him along until he was hovering above Neal’s body. The moment they parted for breath, Neal was breathing heavily and grinning at Peter. “This is amazing.” Neal’s throat hurt, but he was too excited to really focus on that. “Did you guys figure out what she’s having or are they being too stubborn to show us?”

Peter pecked Neal’s lips gently. “Boy and girl,” he whispered.

Neal’s eyes widened and Peter realized Neal was overwhelmed all of a sudden. “I’m going to have a daughter?”

“Yes, angel.”

Neal’s eyes lit up and Peter’s heart fluttered. “I’m gonna have a little princess,” he said hoarsely, trying to refrain from coughing all over his husband. Peter just smiled at him. “Wow. We’ll have the whole ensemble—kings, princes, and a princess.”

Peter chuckled, loving this. Neal was ecstatic. “She’s going to have a damn good daddy.”

“And a damn good poppa,” Neal countered. He went into a coughing fit for a few moments and calmed down. Once he was able to lay there without worrying about coughing on Peter, he slid his hands up Peter’s chest until his hands were gripping Peter’s shoulders. “This is such a blessing,” he whispered. “Two babies. Wow.”

Neal was overjoyed and Peter could see it in his eyes. “I knew you’d be happy.”

“Happy? _Happy?_ Peter, fuck you.” Peter’s eyebrow rose. “Happy is such an understatement. I can’t describe how I’m feeling, but I’d suggest euphoric—and I’d also suggest we stay away from naming them Luke and Leia.”

Peter kissed him, then nuzzled his nose against Neal’s. “Do you think we can handle twins?”

Neal shrugged. “I don’t see why not. There are two of us and two of them. Divide and conquer.” Peter laughed and sighed contentedly. “It’s going to be a challenge though. Nicky was a pain in the ass as a baby. I loved when he was so tiny, but dear God. You’re going to hear the babies crying and it’ll all be in your head.”

“Oh?”

“Yep. I was always so tired and I swore I heard Nicky crying when he was asleep. Every time I went in, he was sleeping.” Neal smiled and looked thoughtful, like he was reflecting on Nicky’s baby days. “The only difference between then and now is that I’m not alone,” he whispered, “and that means a hell of a lot to me. I know you’re going to help out. Matthew didn’t give a damn about Nicky when I was still with him and it really…hurt my feelings, honestly. I love my baby and he didn’t.”

Peter pecked his lips, whispering, “He didn’t love you and Nicky the way I love you both. I truly love the two of you and I’m going to love the twins just as much.” He caressed Neal’s cheek, smiling lovingly at him. “You have nothing to worry about. I’m not leaving. You’re my family—all of you. I’m excited, baby. Spending all of this time with Nicky has been fantastic because I got to see a lot of you through him. I wasn’t here for you when he was a baby, but I’m going to be here for him and these babies.”

Neal nodded, spreading his legs a bit so Peter could shift between them. “I don’t doubt that,” he said softly. “You’re amazing with Nicky. He loves you more than you know, Peter. To him, you’ve been family forever. I don’t think _stepdad_ is in his vocabulary when it comes to you. Hell, I would never call you his stepfather because you’re so much more than that.”

“I don’t call him my stepson or my husband’s son. Anytime I talk about him, he’s _my son._ I’m really proud of him and of you. Living with and loving you two has changed my life entirely and I’m thankful to have been given the chance to earn your trust.”

“You’re not a bad guy. I call you a jerk or other names here and there, but I don’t mean them. If something were to happen to me, the only person I trust with all of my being to take care of my son is you. You’re his poppa—his daddy, essentially. He trusts you and he’d be comfortable living with you.”

Peter wanted so desperately to kiss Neal fiercely. He didn’t like when Neal suggested something might happen to him, but Peter understood that Neal was making a point rather than being pessimistic. “Thank you,” Peter whispered. “Thank you for staying with me and for letting me start a life with you. I can’t wait to take care of the babies and I have this strange urge to watch you in action.”

Neal blushed a bit. Not that Peter could tell though since Neal was hot as it was. “You could definitely call me the mom if you watch me. I’m so mother hennish.”

“I want to see it,” Peter said softly. “I’m not calling you mommy at any point in our lives. We’ve had that discussion one too many times. You’re daddy and you’ll be the daddy to all three of them. Daddy doesn’t imply mommy or mother hen.” Peter deviously snuck a hand underneath the blanket and rubbed Neal’s hard length pressed against him. “You’re a man,” he said as he kissed Neal’s chest. “My man—their daddy.”

The younger man chuckled and nodded. “It’s always so strange. I kind of told myself that I was Nicky’s mom when I was raising him at first. I was all fussy and taking care of him around the clock. I had no time to do anything for myself until he was a little older. I wouldn’t ask for a refund though. Watching him take his first steps, hearing his first word, and watching as he grew up has been a journey I’m proud to have taken.”

Peter nodded. “I’m proud of you for taking it even when you were at a rough point in your life, angel,” he whispered, pressing his lips against his husband’s softly.

•◊•

Two weeks following the discovery of the twins, Neal and Peter met with Karen and the children’s father. Both men arrived on time and the birthfather was late as Karen predicted. “Hey,” Neal said softly, resting his hand on Karen’s thigh. She was shaking and biting her lip. “Everything’s going to be okay. You told him about the baby and your intentions for the baby. If he tries to hurt you in any way, you know Peter and I won’t let him get close enough.”

She smiled nervously at him and Peter was feeling like he needed to play the part of Superman. He hadn’t met the father yet, but he heard from both Neal and Karen that the guy was a total asshole. “Thanks,” she whispered, leaning against Neal for comfort. He wrapped his arm around her and held her close. Every time he was around her lately, he felt like she was his daughter and he was taking care of her. Peter absolutely loved hearing about that and Neal figured this was his way of preparing for everything. They’d gotten past the home study with no problem whatsoever. Neal was initially nervous about the fact that he’d been accused of statutory rape a few years ago, but Peter gently reminded him that he’d never registered as a sex offender, so he had nothing to worry about. He was cleared before anything was put on record.

Neal glanced at his husband and his heart clenched. He was willing Peter to look at him silently and was surprised when Peter did look at him a few moments later. He gave Peter a look that the older man understood. He simply nodded in response and rubbed his wedding ring. Neal was asking Peter to keep calm. They knew they could potentially lose this opportunity if they pissed off the father. Neal tried to be pleasant when he met the father, but he hated him instantly for being such a dick to Karen.

When the doorbell rang, Peter got up to answer it. He let the teenager in and followed him back into Karen’s living room. “Okay. What?”

Neal gave him an incredulous look. “Jake, I need you to sign your rights over.”

“Why would I do anything for you?”

“Because she can come after your ass for child support if you don’t,” Peter growled. “You’ll be paying for the child for the next eighteen years.” He didn’t feel the need to mention that there were two babies. That decision was Karen’s to make. If he made a comment about it, he knew Jake would sign his rights off in a heartbeat. Paying child support for two children would be tough on him.

Jake glared at Peter. “How exactly are you planning on paying for the little shit, old man?” Peter bristled and Neal did as well.

“Jake—”

“Shut up, bitch.”

Neal carefully moved away from Karen and got up, grabbing the front of Jake’s shirt roughly. “Listen here, you little punk,” he growled, throwing his initial nervousness about pissing the kid off to the wind. “She’s been carrying _your_ baby for nearly eight months. You’re the asshole who didn’t help her through any of it. She’s been alone for the most part until she chose my husband and me.” His fingers clenched around the fabric of the black, skull-infested shirt. “You have no right to speak to her like this. You have _absolutely_ no right to insult my husband. And don’t you dare call the baby a little shit. If anyone’s a little shit, it’s you, God damn it.”

Peter stared up at Neal. He could only remember ever seeing Neal this angry when he’d finally confronted Adler in the interrogation room. “You’re a fag. For all I know, you’ll probably end up molesting the damn thing.”

In an instant, Peter stood up and grabbed Neal to pull him back. “Don’t fucking accuse me of molesting children,” Neal snarled.

Peter was struggling to keep Neal back. He didn’t want Neal to get charged with aggravated assault or something of that nature. “You play with dicks for a living. If the baby ends up being a boy, there’s no telling what you’ll do to him.”

Neal was absolutely enraged and Peter ended up having to wrap both arms around Neal to keep him back. “I already have a son, you asshole. I’ve never once touched him or thought about him like that. We aren’t stereotypical gay men, so it’s in your best interest to shut the hell up.”

“So much for staying calm,” Peter muttered near Neal’s ear. Neal stiffened against him and he could feel Neal’s fingers grasping at his pant leg. He needed to touch something and Peter was the closest person to him. With his fingers rubbing Peter’s jeans and Peter’s arms around him, Neal was grounded and knew who he was with. “Neal and I are federal agents—special agents working for the FBI, in other words,” he said to Jake. “You work at Taco Bell for a living. Who’s more suitable to provide for the baby? You or us?”

Karen was mortified behind Neal and Peter. She didn’t know Neal’s past, so she didn’t understand why he was acting this way. The only Neal she knew was the kind, sweet man she’d been spending time with here and there. “Don’t you guys get shot up for a living?”

Peter glared and tried to keep Neal under control. He knew Neal was defensive when it came to Karen and the babies because that’s the man he is. “No. We don’t stand in front of firing squads, you idiot. We protect people and save as many lives as we can.”

Neal’s erratic breathing was beginning to calm down as Peter started rubbing his chest. Jake made several more ridiculous comments about Peter and Neal’s sexuality before Peter finally nearly forced Jake to sign his rights off because he wasn’t fit to father the children. Karen was relieved when he signed the paperwork and he promptly left after that.

The three remaining were sitting in the living room quietly. Peter sat with Neal on the other couch, rubbing his back as he was hunched over, covering his face with his hands. “Is he okay?” Karen asked tentatively, biting her lip.

“He will be,” Peter said quietly. He leaned closer and kissed Neal’s hair.

After several minutes, Neal sat upright and sighed heavily. “I don’t know if I should be entirely honest with you or not,” he whispered. Karen looked confused. “I didn’t want to say anything about my past because I was afraid it would affect your decision.”

“Neal, I love you two. Nothing you say could change my mind.”

Neal nodded slowly, glancing at his husband warily. “I was raped by my stepfather when I was a teenager. I was accused of raping a child a few years ago by the son of one of my ex-boyfriends. When he started suggesting that I would molest the baby, I lost it and I’m sorry. I should have gotten myself under control and I am truly sorry for scaring you.”

She looked so sympathetic and even went so far as to get up and walk over to him. She carefully pulled him into a hug and he relaxed into it. “I’m sorry that you felt like you couldn’t say that,” she whispered to him. “I know you’re a great dad, Neal, and I know you’d never hurt the babies. Your son is proof of that. If you were doing to him what your stepfather did to you, he wouldn’t look nearly as happy as he did in all of the pictures and videos you showed me of him.”

Peter smiled a little as he kept rubbing Neal’s back. “I could never be like my stepfather. I went through it and I know how it feels. Thinking about making Nicky or anyone else feel like that…is physically painful. I couldn’t live with myself if I hurt a child—regardless of the age.”

“This is why Neal was afraid to let me into his life,” Peter said tentatively. “He was afraid someone would do the same thing to his son. He’s so overprotective and I love that in him. If you saw him in trying circumstances involving children, you’d get to see a whole new side of him and I know you’d love it as much as I do.” Neal gave his husband a very loving and appreciative smile. “To be honest, he actually saved a child’s life not too long ago. It was a kidnapping case and Neal was hellbent on getting there in time once we heard some more information. He incapacitated the kidnapper and dove into the reservoir to save a little boy who was drowning because he’d been weighted down.” Peter kissed Neal’s temple and closed his eyes as he pressed his forehead against his husband’s head. “I have never seen him jump into action so quickly before that moment and I’m so proud of him.”

Karen looked really astonished even as she watched the two nuzzle their faces together almost like dogs. Peter kissed the corner of Neal’s mouth and hoped he was conveying the truth of what he’d said. “Neal, your past doesn’t influence my decision. You’re incredible. I’m sure Peter’s told you that you’re a great man in spite of your past a million if not more times, so…” She smiled when he quickly kissed Peter’s lips and they both focused on her afterwards. “I trust you to keep the babies safe and to give them a good life. Nicky is happy, so I know these two will be just as happy. I made the right choice when I chose you two.” Neal smiled a little more as his eyes watered a bit. “What Jake said about you both being gay… He was wrong. Neither of you would hurt the babies—and being gay has nothing to do with it. You’re both gentlemen and loving fathers. As soon as these babies are born, I’ll know they’re being taken care of. I won’t spend my nights worrying about whether or not I made the right choice because I’ve spent enough time with both of you to see it for myself.”

“I hope you know how much this means to us, Karen,” Neal whispered. “Peter… He’s always wanted to be a dad.” He glanced at his husband before rubbing his own eyes. “I’ve never trusted anyone with my son before him. Nicky loves him and I know Peter loves us both.” He took Peter’s left hand in his and intertwined their fingers. “You’re getting everything you wanted,” he whispered to the older man. “You’re able to be openly gay and you’re a father to Nicky—and now you’ll be the father of all three of our children. There’s no one else I’d rather raise children with. I never wanted more kids until you came into my life and we started talking about adoption. I’ve been excited about it because of you.”

Karen loved seeing them like this. She could see that they’re both vulnerable and sensitive and protective. She understood a little more now. Looking at Neal and knowing what he’d just told her, she could see that he was haunted by his past and she believed him when he said he would never become the monster who hurt innocent children. She watched as Neal defended his husband and sexuality, but it meant a lot to watch him defend _her_ and the unborn children. She knew he was a great dad and she’d almost called him that once or twice by accident because he’s so sweet and fatherly when he’s around her. Seeing him come undone showed her how he protects his loved ones—how aggressive he is when they’re threatened.

Peter kissed Neal’s knuckles. “I’m excited to do this with you,” he whispered. “I only have all of this because of you, Neal.” He glanced at Karen and nodded at her. “You’re giving us two beautiful little blessings and that means the world to us as fathers. You’ve gone through all of the stages of your pregnancy to give us something we’ll be eternally grateful to you for.”

She smiled. “I think you’re the ones who should be thanked. I know I wouldn’t be able to raise one baby on my own right now let alone _two._ You offered to take both of them and I know they’ll be loved as they deserve to be loved. Thank _you._ ”

Neal and Peter glanced at each other and smiled softly. They were both thrilled to be adopting the twins, but what made it so much better was that they had each other to share the experience with.

•◊•

Neal dropped his keys into the little bowl on top the small bookshelf in the living room with Peter following him. Mozzie was asleep on their couch and Nicky was downstairs playing with his games. “Will you do this with me?” Neal whispered, looking up at Peter.

Peter gave him an incredulous look. “Did you ever think I wouldn’t?”

The younger man smiled and took Peter’s hand and led him down into the basement to find Nicky. “Daddy! Poppa!” He leapt up from the floor and hugged both men as they stepped onto the basement floor. “You’re home. I missed you both.”

“We missed you, too,” Neal said, stroking Nicky’s hair. “We also have something we need to tell you. Can you turn the game’s music down a little bit?” Nicky nodded, darting over to the television to turn the volume down. Neal gestured for Nicky to take a seat on the small couch and then he and Peter stood in front of him. “Poppa and I have some news that we’re hoping will excite you.” Nicky nodded, wishing his father would stop stalling. He could tell his dad was nervous about something and he wanted to know what it was. “We’ve been in the process of adopting a baby for a little while as you know. Well, a few months ago, we got a call from our social worker and she told us that a mom was interested in meeting us. We met with her and she liked us. We were just with her and the baby’s father and he…” He looked up at Peter warily. “The father gave us permission to adopt the baby.”

“I’m gonna have a baby brother?” Nicky asked, his eyes lighting up.

Neal grinned. “It gets better, Nick. The baby is actually twins—you’ll have a baby brother and baby sister.”

Nicky jumped up from the couch and ran to them both, hugging them tightly. He was so excited and Neal wondered why he’d hesitated. He knew Nicky wanted siblings, so of course Nicky would be happy. “When, daddy?” he asked when he calmed down a bit. His head was pressed against Neal’s chest because he wanted to feel his dad’s heart beating. Nicky had the feeling that Neal was excited, too, and he wanted to hear the proof of it.

“Soon actually. The mom is eight months pregnant. In a few weeks, you’ll be a big brother, kiddo.” Nicky smiled, closing his eyes. He nuzzled Neal’s chest, loving his father for finally giving him the one thing he wanted more than anything in the world. He wanted siblings more than any toy Neal ever bought him. He would have been content with one sibling, but two… He was ecstatic.

Both men finally let Nicky go back to his game shortly thereafter and headed upstairs. They went into the kitchen to get dinner started and Neal coughed a little bit. “Awe. You seemed like you were getting better…”

Neal rolled his eyes once he stopped coughing. “I’m still a little sick. Peter, you still kiss me regardless.”

Peter smiled, holding Neal’s hips. “Because kissing my husband is one of my favorite hobbies.”

The younger man chuckled, raising an eyebrow. “I’m a hobby?”

“The best kind,” Peter whispered, leaning down to kiss Neal. They kissed a little longer than they’d anticipated and Peter ended up backing Neal into the countertop. He lifted Neal on top of it and positioned himself between Neal’s legs, kissing him fiercely. For now, he loved that Neal had nothing to worry about.

Neal started undoing Peter’s belt with haste, opening his mouth a bit so Peter could French kiss him, which he did so enthusiastically. Peter held Neal close—close enough that they were rubbing against each other to add to their arousal. “Could you not take the time to copulate in your private bedroom?”

Both men groaned as they broke away from their kiss. “Moz,” they both whined.

Mozzie raised his hands, proclaiming innocence. “I’m not the guilty party attempting to have physical relations with another person—or rather _Suit_ —on the kitchen countertop. Is this your ideal mating locale?”

“Mozzie, what the hell?” Neal asked, laughing. “Peter and I aren’t even undressed. If anything, he’s just dry humping me.” Peter raised an eyebrow at his husband. “ _Fine._ We’re dry humping each other. It’s not like we asked you to watch. You didn’t bring your ticket or the popcorn.”

“Very funny, mon frère.”

Neal smiled when Peter helped him off of the countertop. “The father signed his rights off,” Peter said. “Neal and I were…celebrating. This was just the prelude to the real celebration though.” He pulled Neal close and kissed his temple. “Thanks for watching Nicky, Mozzie.”

“It was no problem at all,” he said, eyeing Neal. “You needn’t worry about making me feel awkward or uncomfortable, mon frère. Your past is your past and you know I love you. I’ll do anything you ask of me.”

Neal looked away for a moment before nodding. “That means a lot, Moz.”

And it did. Mozzie and Peter both knew he was being honest. Peter spoke to Mozzie shortly after Neal’s extreme panic attack and he’d considered going in enraged, but he discovered the reason behind Mozzie’s actions. Mozzie explained how he wanted to call Peter, but Neal seemed so against it at the time. He sincerely stated that he didn’t think Neal was a freak; he was only concerned about the younger man. Peter didn’t tell anyone about what he’d gone home to find in his bedroom. That was between him and Neal and it would stay that way. Neal was ashamed of himself for how he’d acted even though Peter kept telling him everything was okay. Now that they’d gotten past that hurdle, Neal was able to talk about it a little more freely with his husband. Peter was extremely grateful for that because he hated when Neal closed up.

“Since that’s all cleared up,” Mozzie began, “am I allowed to finally see a picture of your lovely little Burke-spawns?”

Neal chuckled and Peter gave the smaller man a wry smile. He pulled the sonogram picture out of his wallet and handed it to Mozzie. “I’m a bit lost. What am I looking at?”

Peter burst into a fit of laughter, startling Mozzie. “That’s exactly how I felt when I first saw it.” He moved closer to Mozzie, dragging Neal along with him, and pointed out both babies to Mozzie.

“Wow. This is…truly amazing. Have I congratulated you both yet?”

“Not that I can remember,” Peter said.

Mozzie tentatively walked over to them and hugged Neal, whispering, “Congratulations. I’m ecstatic to see you both happy.”

Neal rubbed Mozzie’s back, smiling to himself. Peter had to bend down to give Mozzie a hug, but it affected the married couple in the same way. When everything was straightened up, Neal’s eyes were on Peter and Peter met Neal’s eyes as though their minds were linked. They both knew that a lot of little things hurt them. Their friends knew as well and they were excited when something good finally happens. They needed to celebrate the victories when they arose because there would certainly be something to bring them down later. Peter brushed his fingers across Neal’s, sharing a small smile that they both understood. Adopting the twins was huge—in the positive direction for once. They silently made a promise to drag this out and milk it for all of its optimism and all of its worth. All they both wanted was to keep the other happy, so they’d do their damnedest to make sure they were both happy and that their relationship was stable. Neither one of them wanted to lose this. Their marriage was important to them both.

Losing that would hurt them on such an extreme level. Losing each other would devastate them and burn their worlds to the ground.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal goes behind Peter's back and everything goes to hell (temporarily, I promise) when he tries to tell Peter.

Neal woke up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, gasping silently for breath. His eyes flew open and his vision was blurred. He felt like he was being strangled and he couldn’t make any noises. The darkness didn’t soothe his anxiety as he struggled to twist around in the bed sheets. He could hardly breathe and he knew he’d pass out if he didn’t get Peter’s attention. He felt horrible for waking him, but he _needed_ help. He started shaking Peter awake, shutting his eyes tightly in an attempt to keep himself from crying. Peter startled awake. “Neal?” He looked up at his husband and immediately sat up, taking Neal’s hand. “Honey, what’s wrong?” Neal shook his head, his lips parting in a silent, agonized cry. He felt like he was in so much pain and he didn’t understand. His breath was altered, his body felt like it was on fire, and he could barely focus. “Honey, it’s okay. You’re okay. You’re safe.” He was stroking Neal’s arm gently, keeping his eyes on the younger man. “You’re here with me, Neal. Try to relax. Breathe, baby.” Neal struggled, but managed to calm himself and regulate his breathing. He opened his eyes and looked at Peter, seeing a sad smile on his husband’s face. “You’re okay,” he whispered, reaching over to stroke Neal’s hair. “I promise.” Neal shook, leaning into Peter’s palm.

Peter was giving him time to relax, but Neal needed to talk. “P-Peter,” he whispered. “I felt…I felt _them._ ” He shuddered and Peter sat up straighter, pulling Neal closer to him. “They were choking me. I couldn’t breathe. I tried to scream and I _couldn’t._ ”

“It’s okay, Neal. They aren’t here. They can’t do that to you.” He was trying to figure out what might’ve brought on this sudden nightmare and ended up with nothing. This was the first time in a long time that Neal had to urge Peter to wake up because of a nightmare. “I promise—you’re okay.”

The younger man swallowed hard, clutching Peter’s hand tightly. “I can’t live like this. I can’t wait for them to come after me or my family. This needs to end, Peter, so let me end it.”

Peter’s brows furrowed. “How exactly are you planning on ending it if we don’t know where Adler is for starters?”

Neal closed his eyes again and rubbed his cheek against Peter’s bare skin. “I’ll find a way.”

•◊•

“Your Suit isn’t going to wonder where you are?”

Neal sighed as he drove. “He thinks I’m running a few errands. I didn’t _lie_ to him, Moz. I consider this an errand.”

Mozzie raised an eyebrow, glancing over at his best friend. He didn’t like that Neal was being secretive around Peter. For as much as he dislikes the FBI, he likes Peter because Peter made Neal happy. He threatened Peter repeatedly over the course of the past four years, telling him that he’d make Peter’s life a living hell if Neal were hurt. Mozzie would have loved to inflict pain on Peter those few times he’d hurt Neal considerably, but Peter was good for Neal and he didn’t want Neal to ruin that relationship by going behind Peter’s back. “I didn’t ask before, but why did you choose to drag me along rather than your husband?”

“Because I don’t want Peter to hear anything that’s going to be said. We both know what kind of asshole we’re meeting with and I know my husband. Peter wouldn’t be able to keep himself under control.”

They arrived at the penitentiary not too long thereafter. Mozzie trailed behind his best friend warily, hoping Neal knew what he was doing and what the implications of this meeting were. As soon as they were led into the small meeting area, Mozzie’s anger flared. “Well, well,” the other man tsked. “Looks like it’s my sweetheart, Caffrey, and his lover boy.”

“Shut up,” Neal demanded. “I’m not _Caffrey_ anymore. And I’m here on official business.”

Matthew Keller looked like hell. He’d been given the same treatment the other prisoners inflicted on Neal when he’d been imprisoned under the allegation of statutory rape. Keller was in for domestic abuse as well as child abuse. Anything to do with children warranted hell and Neal was grateful to see that Keller was getting what he deserved. It wasn’t because of what Keller did to him. Neal loathed him for what he’d done to Trent. Trent is Keller’s son and he’d abused the boy. Neal could remember sitting in the courtroom, handcuffed, as Trent tried to do as his father commanded. He’d fallen apart and Neal leapt into action. Neal, even though Trent was the one to accuse him, would never have let anything happen to Trent. He damned the kid for being Keller’s, but he loved the kid now that he’d spent a lot more time around him. Watching Trent and Nicky was great. They were best friends—and it did remind him of his relationship with Peter to a certain extent.

“What can I do for you, sweetheart?”

Neal swallowed back bile, refusing to sit down while speaking to his ex-boyfriend. “Why is Vincent out? What game are you two playing?”

Keller smiled that smile that made Neal shiver. He’d smiled like that when he was pissed off or drunk among other things just before he beat Neal. “Good ‘ol daddy just wanted some free time. I don’t know why you think I’m part of this.”

“You killed someone very close to me,” Neal growled. “She was innocent. She had nothing to do with this.”

Neal refrained from backing away when Matthew stepped towards him. “Let’s just say our daddy likes toying with you. He knows your weaknesses and we’ve all discussed what it was like to _fuck_ you senseless until you were forced to plead or beg for—”

“Leave the sex out of this,” Neal snapped. “You and your father are perverted beyond definition. Craig is a bastard just like both of you. I’m past all of that. I just want to know _why_ you helped him escape.”

Keller shrugged. “Maybe he broke out because he was looking for some entertainment. I heard your boy is a cutie.” Neal’s blood ran cold and Mozzie stepped forward, putting Neal slightly behind him. Neal would have had a panic attack if Nicky were at school, but he was home with Peter—safe. “You haven’t changed one bit, Caffrey. I can still imagine you naked.”

Neal wanted to strangle his ex-boyfriend. “ _Burke._ I’m Neal Burke, Matthew. I disowned the Caffrey surname.” He tried to brush past Mozzie, but Mozzie was a barrier. “I don’t care if you imagine me naked. Yes, all three of you know what I look like without my clothes on as well as how it feels to screw me. I couldn’t give a damn if I tried.”

Matthew drew closer to Neal and forced Neal’s head back a bit so he could look at the scars on Neal’s neck. “Damn. Craig got you good.” Neal snarled and shoved Matthew away. “Oh. Are we a little touchy, baby boy?”

He was beginning to feel really self-conscious. Peter always told him the scars were hardly noticeable, but Keller found them instantly. He didn’t like his body because it felt defiled, but he appreciated that Peter liked his body. Thoughts about Peter kissing his skin all over, tracing bullet scars and other scars with his lips made him feel warm inside. Peter was so gentle and kind whilst this man before him right now was neither of those things. “Don’t touch me,” Neal hissed. “I want answers. Tell me why my friend was killed. Tell me why Vincent is out of prison.”

“Hypothetically, your ‘friend’ was killed because she was looking into Vincent. And, once again with the hypothetical, daddy is out of prison because he was having withdrawal problems—since he hasn’t been able to fuck you in so long.”

“Neal isn’t a sex toy, Keller.”

Keller raised an eyebrow at Mozzie. “Oh, yeah? Look at ‘im. Tell me that feminine masculinity wouldn’t attract a whole lot of sex? After all, he was raped by not only one but _two_ men.” Mozzie glared while Neal tried to blink away tears before they could form. He told himself he could confront Keller and now he realized how wrong he was. He’d considered seeing Craig to get answers from him, but Keller was killing him inside. If seeing Keller hurt this badly, he needed to avoid Craig at all costs. “Fortunately, you can’t accuse me of raping you because you _wanted_ my dick inside of you.”

“You were my boyfriend at the time,” Neal whispered. “I could easily find something in our sexual past to screw you over with.”

Keller laughed, sounding far too amused for Neal’s comfort. “Oh. Are you willing to divulge all of the things you let me do to you? You’d tell your friends and your husband that you let me shove a—”

Neal’s heart clenched and he didn’t realize he’d whimpered until Mozzie was ushering him out of the area and Keller was being restricted into the room. “Mozzie,” Neal whispered brokenly.

“Neal, don’t worry.”

Neal did worry. He didn’t want Peter or _anyone_ to find out about the stupid things he’d done with Keller. He hadn’t liked any of them, but he’d done it to please Keller since it was his first ‘real’ relationship even though he’d been toyed with from the start. “I…”

Mozzie took Neal’s hand tentatively. “There’s no need to explain. All I need to know, I already know. Your questionable, consensual bedroom activities are none of my business. When he was beating you, that was a different story.”

The younger man nodded as he was led out of the penitentiary. Mozzie knew Neal wanted to see Craig, but he had a feeling that went out the window when Keller started messing with him. He was hardly lifelike when they got back to Neal’s Corvette. Mozzie had to actually help Neal into the passenger seat because he was such a wreck.

Mozzie dug Neal’s keys out of Neal’s jeans pocket and started up the car. “Mozzie, don’t tell Peter,” Neal pleaded. “I need to be the one to tell him if anyone tells him at all.”

“I wouldn’t go behind your back, mon frère. My loyalty to you runs deeper than all else.”

The two were quiet as Mozzie drove to the apartment at June’s. Mozzie was living there and he needed to get Neal back on track before letting Neal head home. Peter would immediately ask what was wrong if he saw Neal in this state.

Upstairs, Neal sat down on the couch that used to be his own. Mozzie opted to keep everything but their bed when they moved out. Peter and Neal considered teasing him mercilessly about the couch, but decided against it. They cleaned the couch when they got around to it after making love on it. Mozzie probably assumed that they’d used the couch for their sexual purposes, but he chose to ignore it.

“Do you think Adler would hurt Nicky? Keller made that comment and it… It’s killing me.” Neal choked back a sob, leaning over to rest his elbows on his knees and his face in his hands. “I couldn’t live if I let that happen to him,” he whispered. “I can’t… I just can’t…”

Mozzie sat down beside him and rubbed his back. “We’re all watching out for Nicky, Neal. Peter and I would never let anything happen to him—or to _you._ He and I are very protective of the two of you.”

Neal gasped for breath quietly, shutting his eyes tightly. “I don’t give a damn if something happens to me. It’s when something happens to any of you that kills me inside. I can’t stop thinking about how Adler and Craig could overwhelm Peter and force him to his knees. They would shove him down until he was on all fours and then—”

“Neal, Peter will be fine.” 

“Nicky couldn’t do it. He’d be forced into it.” Neal started sobbing as he imagined what those two would do to his son. His insides were on fire and his heart felt like it was breaking in the most painful way. “They’d throw him down and take him. They’d hurl insults as they did it and he’d never be able to live as normally as he does now. His whole life would be over. He—”

Mozzie stood up and moved to stand in front of Neal, gripping the younger man’s shoulders. “Neal, stop. Nothing is going to happen to them. They’re both going to be okay.”

Neal shook his head. “You don’t know that.”

“Trust your husband,” Mozzie said gently. “Peter will take care of all of you. He loves you too much to let anything happen to himself or to you and Nicky.”

Neal felt miserable and he was hyperventilating. Mozzie tried to help him, but he was having a hard time. He didn’t know everything Neal needed. He just wasn’t Peter.

•◊•

“You’ve been really quiet,” Peter said softly over dinner after Nicky left to go play in the game room. Peter finished his dinner as well, but Neal barely touched his food at all. “Are you feeling sick again, hon? You’re not eating.”

Neal looked up at him and Peter was taken aback by how sad and haunted his husband’s eyes looked. “I need to talk to you.” Peter nodded, sitting forward. He encouraged Neal to continue. “You need to promise me that you won’t be mad.”

Peter’s brows drew together. “I have the feeling that this is something very bad.” Neal didn’t answer. “I won’t get mad, hon.”

“I…” Neal took a deep breath and moved his food away. “I went to see…Matthew today.” Peter’s eyes widened and he kept silent. “I needed answers and he wasn’t giving them to me directly. I don’t know what to—”

“Why did you go alone?” Peter interjected. Neal lowered his eyes. “You took Mozzie.” The younger man nodded slowly. Peter slammed his fist on the table, startling Neal. “You lied to me _again._ ” Neal’s gut twisted with guilt as Peter stood up and took his plate into the kitchen. He threw it into the sink and Neal jumped in his seat. He regretted bringing this up in the first place. When Peter came back, fury was in his eyes. “I can’t believe you went to see him without asking me to go with you. You _know_ damn well that I’d support and protect you in any and every way, but you couldn’t trust me with _this._ He has tried to _kill_ you, Neal!”

Neal looked up at his husband, frightened. “You promised you wouldn’t get mad,” Neal whispered.

“I’m not _mad._ I’m _pissed off._ ” Neal didn’t know what to do or say. He never felt afraid of Peter when Peter was angry until now. He’d been pissed off when Neal confessed that he’d met with Craig and was planning to meet Adler, but Peter calmed down pretty quickly. “I don’t understand you sometimes!” Neal couldn’t make himself look at Peter. He was crying and knew that would probably piss Peter off more. “It’s like you’re begging them to just shove you against a wall and rape you,” he growled.

Neal shook his head and rested his elbow on the dinner table, blocking his eyes with his knuckles. “I’m not begging for anything,” he said.

“Could’ve fooled me!” Peter snapped. “I held you the other night after you nearly passed out. You told me how afraid you were and you couldn’t even breathe when you were trying to wake me up. Now you’re meeting with these bastards. I’m surprised you didn’t just drop your pants and turn around for him while you were there.”

Something in the younger man snapped. Neal finally stood up, shoving his chair back. He turned on Peter, facing his husband. “I’m not a God damn whore, Peter! He killed someone I love and I wanted answers! How is that asking for rape?”

“You keep seeing these bastards alone. Sure, you took Mozzie this time. He’d probably condone this kind of thing because he knows how you are.” Peter was speaking without thinking and Neal was hurting. He didn’t understand where this was coming from. He knew that going to see Matthew without Peter was wrong, but he wasn’t expecting Peter to say _this._

“How I am?” he asked incredulously. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

Peter wanted so badly to push Neal against the wall and make him understand how _afraid_ he was of the fact that Neal was inadvertently hurting himself. “You’d let Keller beat you to death. You’d let Vincent and Craig rape you. Hell, with how easy you are—”

“Go to hell!” Neal screamed. “Just go to fucking hell, Peter!”

Neal turned around and tried to storm off. Peter leapt forward and grabbed Neal’s wrist roughly, pulling him back. Neal’s fear spiked. His entire body felt cold and he wondered if Peter planned on beating him. It sure as hell looked like he had the intention of causing pain. “We _aren’t_ done talking, Neal. Stop running from your problems!”

A sudden, small amount of force shoved Peter away from Neal and Peter was startled when he looked down to see Nicky defending Neal. That put a lot into perspective and he just realized how he’d treated his husband. Nicky was within earshot and they hadn’t been very quiet—or rather _he_ hadn’t been quiet. Neal was quiet up until Peter really struck a nerve. “Don’t hurt dad!” Nicky yelled, trembling. He had a hand on his father’s stomach as though he was telling him to stay back.

Peter looked up from Nicky’s face and met Neal’s eyes. He saw so much pain, fear, and betrayal in those beautiful blue eyes. Peter felt physically ill. He’d said so many things he shouldn’t have and he was able to see that now. The damage was done though. He couldn’t see Neal forgiving him for this. For one, he’d suggested Neal _wanted_ to be raped in the worst way possible. Adding the implication that Neal is a whore didn’t make things any better. He had no idea why he’d said any of that to Neal. This was another instance in which he jumped the gun and upset Neal, but this was the first time he’d seen Neal truly frightened by him—and the first time he truly criticized Neal and his rapes. He realized he made it sound like Neal wanted it both times. “Neal…”

Neal shook his head, looking away from Peter. “I’m leaving.” Neal gently moved Nicky and ran upstairs.

Nicky stared angrily at Peter. “Nicky, I—”

“You were telling dad he’s a whore,” Nicky said furiously. “He had sex with a lot of guys, but he was lonely. He loves you and you just hurt him a lot.” Peter tried to speak and Nicky got louder. “Dad doesn’t need that! Poppa, I love you, but you’re hurting my daddy.”

Nicky backed up towards the stairs as Neal was coming down. Neal was rubbing his eyes with his palm, a small overnight bag slung over his shoulder. “Neal, don’t leave,” Peter pleaded.

He stepped towards Neal and Neal scrambled to get further away from him. That was the first time he’d ever seen Neal react that way to him and it felt like he’d stabbed a dagger into his own heart. After all, this was his fault. He deserved Neal’s reaction entirely. “I’m leaving. I want to be alone,” Neal whispered. “I’m leaving Nicky here and I swear to God I will kill you if you fucking hurt him.”

“I’d never hurt him,” Peter whispered.

Nicky stared at his dad, upset that he was leaving alone. “Daddy,” Nicky said sadly.

Neal looked down at him. “Poppa will take care of you. He’ll take you to school in the morning and I’ll pick you up.” Nicky nodded slowly, lowering his gaze to the floor. Neal turned on Peter. “I’m not going to work, so don’t expect reconciliation. I don’t want to see or speak to you for a while.”

“How long is a while?” Peter asked brokenly.

“Indefinitely,” Neal whispered. “I don’t want to be here right now. I can’t deal with all of this and _you._ I wanted to talk and you flipped shit on me.” Peter took a step forward and Neal darted for the door. “I’ll see Nicky in the afternoon,” he said hurriedly. “If there’s so much as a mark on him, I’ll come after you. I’m leaving him here because I want to come back, but I will put your ass behind bars _myself_ if you hurt him.”

Peter was silent and nodded slowly. Nicky darted over to his father, hugging him tightly. Neal told him he loved him and Nicky said it back before Neal slipped out without telling Peter the same thing.

The older man figured that some shred of Neal didn’t hate him right now if he was willing to leave Nicky at home with him. He walked over to the window and watched Neal throw his bag into the back of the Corvette before getting in himself. In only a matter of minutes, he was backing out and gone. Peter turned to face Nicky and was met with a cold glare. “Nicky, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt dad.”

“You’re supposed to be good to him,” Nicky said quietly. “He trusts you and you turned on him.”

Peter frowned. “I’ll fix this, Nick. I don’t know if he’ll forgive me, but I’ll apologize incessantly. I…” He swallowed hard, seeing so much of Neal in Nicky’s expression. “I _will_ bring daddy home by tomorrow. I’m not going to let him isolate himself. I want him here.”

“Prove it,” Nicky challenged him. The teenager walked away and went upstairs to his bedroom. Peter stood in the living room, staring at the door. The only difference between the first time Peter accused Neal of being a whore and now was that Neal kept his ring. He did still love Peter and he was honest when he said he wanted to come back. Peter understood that Neal needed time away. Peter didn’t think he’d sleep beside himself if he were Neal, so he couldn’t blame his husband for leaving.

Peter thought for a moment and pulled his phone out of his pocket. He dialed Mozzie and waited. “ _Suit._ ”

“Mozzie, please text me later if Neal shows up. We…fought. He left and I’m worried about him.” Mozzie was silent on the other end and Peter knew he was pissed off. “I really hurt him and I’m going to admit that to you right now. I was an asshole, so believe him when he tells you that.”

The other man whispered, “ _Did you hit him?_ ”

“No. I swear I didn’t hit him. The most I did to him physically was grab his wrist and pull him back to me.” He closed his eyes and swallowed hard. “I’m sorry, Mozzie, but please take care of him until I can fix this. I want to bring him home tomorrow. I…can’t live without him here.”

There was a heavy sigh on the other end. “ _You’re lucky. If you hit him, I’d be en route to end you already._ ” Peter knew Mozzie wasn’t kidding. He threatened to kill Keller so many times for Neal and he’d inferred repeatedly that he’d kill Peter if Peter ever hurt Neal. He was an asshole and hurt Neal emotionally, but he didn’t think he could bring himself to hit Neal. He just couldn’t see himself punching the man he loves on purpose. He couldn’t see himself beating Neal until Neal was unconscious. He’d done it on a case once, but it hurt him to do it. Explaining that to everyone was a real joy. Mozzie nearly killed Peter on the spot. “ _I’m not going to leave him on the streets. When he gets here, I’ll help him as best I can. You need to stop being a jackass._ ”

“I know, Mozzie. Believe me. I _know._ ” He pinched the bridge of his nose and tried to stop himself before he lost control of his breathing and started sobbing. It was taking a lot of effort to stay calm after his husband walked out on him. “He didn’t deserve that and I’m sorry. Don’t tell him I called you, please. Just…be there for him. I’ll stop by after I drop Nicky off at school in the morning.”

Mozzie grunted and hung up. Peter put his phone back into his pocket, but pulled it out again a moment later. He went to the couch and sat down, frowning at the happy image of Neal on his background. He always wanted Neal to look this way and now all he had in his mind was the expression of such pain on Neal’s face. Peter’s heart ached the more he thought about it. Mozzie and Neal might talk and Neal might end up asking for a divorce. Somewhere deep inside of him, he thought that was ridiculous. He was going for the worst case scenario right now and that was Neal leaving _permanently._ If Neal left, Nicky would leave as well. He’d be alone without the man he loves more than life and their son. The twins were a factor as well and he didn’t know where they stood on that. Neal wouldn’t leave for good if Nicky didn’t go, too. Because Neal is that kind of father, he would probably take the twins with him once they were born and exclude Peter entirely. He’d protect his children before himself and he’d keep them away from Peter if he thought Peter was a threat.

Peter stroked Neal’s lips on his phone as his eyes began to water.

•◊•

Neal tentatively knocked on the door to his old apartment, knowing he looked like hell. When Mozzie opened the door, it was obvious that Peter called. Mozzie was instantly concerned and let Neal in without question. “I’m sorry. I just came over unannounced and I didn’t even ask for permission to stay the night,” Neal stammered.

Mozzie shook his head and took Neal’s bag. “You never need to ask, mon frère.” Neal watched the older man take his bag over to the couch, setting it down carefully. There were already pillows and blankets on the couch for him and Neal smiled sadly at him. “Your doors were always open to me and I am returning that favor. You’re always welcome, Neal.”

“Thanks,” Neal said, rubbing his eyes with both palms. He exhaled shakily as Mozzie went back over to him. “I told him I saw Keller and he flipped out. He was so pissed off and it scared me. _He_ scared me—my own husband scared me.”

“Would you like me to send the Russian mafia after him?”

Neal laughed mirthlessly. “No, but thanks.”

Mozzie led Neal over to the couch and sat on the coffee table across from Neal. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“I don’t even know where to start. He said so many awful things. I don’t know if I really want to go back anytime soon and that’s not fair to Nicky—or the twins for that matter. I was so sure that my marriage would survive longer than this because Peter’s a good man. I keep fucking up is the problem.” Mozzie rested a hand on Neal’s knee, listening intently to the younger man who rarely opened himself up around Mozzie. “Why can’t I do anything right? I love him. Dear God do I love him, but I fuck up at every turn. I don’t know why he still loves me or if he really does love me. For all I fucking know, he’s only stayed because he feels sorry for me. I couldn’t hold down a God damn relationship if I tried. I’m just waiting for the divorce papers to show up and for someone to escort me to an asylum.”

The older man kind of understood why Neal never opened up to him. He had no idea how to respond to this kind of…darkness. He didn’t realize Neal truly thought he was crazy and deserving of entrance into an asylum. “Neal, you came clean. It’s not like you kept pretending nothing happened. You were being honest with him. He’s always told you that he wanted you to be honest. He’s at fault here—not you.”

“If I hadn’t lied in the first place, no one would be at fault,” Neal said bitterly. “I’m going to lose him. He’s the only man I’ve ever loved more than anything—not nearly as much as I love my son, but damn near close. Those two mean the world to me. I don’t want to lose Peter, Mozzie. I love him so damn much, but I don’t know how to correct any of this.” He shook his head and looked like he was on the verge of sobbing again. “He was telling me I went there because I wanted to get raped and he called me easy and—”

Mozzie cut him off immediately. “Don’t you dare listen to any of that bullshit,” Mozzie demanded. “He’s an ass. You and I can both admit that. However, you know that Peter loves you more than his own life. He’d do anything and everything for you, Neal. He’s not bullshitting you when he tells you he loves you.”

Neal’s lips parted as he tried so hard to stop himself from breaking down. “If he loves me, why did he hurt me? Why did he tell me I wanted to be raped? Does he really think I asked for this? I know I’m a _pretty boy_ and I’ve hated that for as long as I’ve lived. With this shitty ‘attractiveness,’ I probably am asking for rape. I bet you anything I could get raped in an instant if I walked outside right now.”

“Neal,” Mozzie snapped. “Stop this. He didn’t mean any of that.”

The younger man laughed as he began to fall to pieces. “If he didn’t think it was true, he wouldn’t have said it at all.” He covered his face with his hands and sobbed as quietly as he could manage. Mozzie’s heart wrenched at the sound. Neal sounded like he was in physical pain and Mozzie inferred that Neal’s heart hurt a great deal. He knew how strongly Neal felt—especially when it came to Peter.

Mozzie didn’t know how to help Neal calm down. This was Peter’s area of expertise. He felt so helpless as he shifted onto the couch to sit beside Neal. Neal immediately responded when Mozzie gently pulled him close and Mozzie guessed that that was attributed to the fact that Peter always held him when he was upset.

It was a little while later before Neal quieted down. Mozzie felt ridiculous rocking back and forth slowly while rubbing Neal’s back. Neal wasn’t an infant, but he realized that it helped him calm down. When Neal sat up and wiped his face off, he whispered an apology. “Don’t ever be sorry for that,” Mozzie said softly. “Go use the bathroom to wash your face off and then I want you to get some rest. Does that sound okay?” Neal nodded, doing as Mozzie asked.

Mozzie hated Peter for all of two seconds before attempting to reach out to Peter’s mind. He knew it wouldn’t work, but he wished he could beg Peter to come over. It wasn’t that he wanted to get Neal and all of Neal’s rampant emotions out of the apartment. He didn’t know how to help Neal end the pain quickly and painlessly. He hated listening to Neal cry because it made him want to cry. Neal’s pain became his pain once he found out about Neal’s situation. He never realized how many shadows his little brother had looming over him.

Neal came back a few minutes later, sniffling. Mozzie got up from the couch and let Neal sit down on it. “Moz…” he whispered, glancing up at his best friend. “Thank you. I’m such a pain in the ass sometimes, but thank you for…for helping me.”

The older man smiled, leaning forward to kiss Neal’s forehead gently. “You’re my brother,” he said softly. “No matter what happens, you’ll always have me, Neal.”

After Mozzie crawled into bed and Neal got himself under the blankets Mozzie provided, Neal checked his phone. He had two text messages from Peter. Frowning, he read them and realized it was one long message. “ _Neal, this is a terrible way to go about apologizing to you, but I want you to know I’m deeply sorry for everything I said to you tonight. I wouldn’t blame you if you left me for good. I was an awful husband and you don’t deserve that kind of treatment. I love you to pieces, but I shouldn’t have cut you into pieces the way I did. I hope you sleep well. I hope we’ll talk soon._ ”

Neal closed his eyes and breathed heavily. He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know how he felt. Obviously, he was upset. He didn’t know what to do about their marriage. If Peter believed everything he’d thrown at Neal earlier, then their marriage may as well be over already.

Neal exhaled shakily and opened his eyes, hitting the reply button. “I don’t want to leave for good. I love you, but I need to clear my head. If you aren’t happy, you don’t have to stay. I’ll never force you to stay. If you leave me, I’ll survive. Don’t feel guilty about it. I want you to be happy.”

He set his phone down beside him and pulled the blanket closer around himself. It wasn’t very long before his phone buzzed. He hesitantly opened the text. “ _Baby, you’re everything to me. I don’t want to leave you at all. I was an asshole and I abused you. That’s all I feel guilty about. Believe it or not, you make me happy. Living without you hurts too much._ ”

“Then stop hurting me.” He almost hit the send button, but he stopped himself. He didn’t want to sound like a dick, so he added, “I trusted you with everything that’s ever happened to me and you threw it all back at me. That hurt more than anything you’ve ever done before. You made so many promises to me over the last four years and broke them all in less than ten minutes. I don’t know when I’m going back home.”

It took a little bit longer for Peter to respond this time. “ _I will do everything I can to show you how sorry I am. I know better and I shouldn’t have used that against you. I’ve never seen you in that light nor have I believed you were anything but my Neal because of it. I won’t beg you to come home right now. I understand why you left and I probably would’ve left myself if I were you. I’ll give you some space until you’re ready to come home. Just please take care of yourself._ ”

Neal blinked quickly, clearing tears before they could fall. He quickly texted back: “I love you to death. I promise we’ll talk in person soon. I need space like you said. I don’t hate you. I can’t hate you. You’re my husband. I’m not leaving you forever. You’re my everything, too, Peter. I love you and I love you with Nick. I don’t want to lose what we have, but I don’t want to be around you if you think I’m asking to be raped. I don’t want to be around you if you think I’m a prostitute either.”

Peter must be extremely sorry, Neal assumed, because he was replying to Neal’s text message quickly. “ _I will never say those things to you again. They’re so untrue. I told you I’m an asshole and I want you to say it to me when we’re together again. I want you here, baby. I want to kiss and hold you. I don’t want this separation. It’s getting late, so please try to get some sleep. I love you, Neal George. I love you so fucking much and I’m going to prove it to you if you let me._ ”

The younger man smiled sadly at his phone. “I love you just as much,” was all he replied before setting his phone on the coffee table. He laid on the couch uncomfortably, but forced himself to endure it. He missed sleeping with his husband already and it hadn’t even been more than two hours since he left home. He’d think about a few things before asking Peter to meet with him, but he didn’t want to be gone long. Nicky’s birthday is next week and he wanted to have everything settled between them before that. He’d like to be home with his husband for their son’s fourteenth birthday. Neal couldn’t hate Peter even after he’d said all of those awful things because Peter is the only man who ever gave him a chance and truly put effort into their relationship. He’s the only one who loved Neal purely as he was rather than as sex appeal.

He didn’t want their marriage to end. Peter means so much to him and his world would feel empty without the older man. Even now, only two hours later and twenty or so minutes away from home, he wanted so desperately to be in bed with Peter’s arms around him.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal and Peter talk.

“He’s still asleep…” Mozzie whispered as he let Peter into the apartment. He’d approved this only because he wanted Neal to be all right and Peter seemed to have the answer to that when he thought with his brain. “If you think you can handle a friendly confrontation with your husband, I have a few errands to run.” He gave Peter a leveled glare. “If you think all you’re going to do by being here is upset him, then let me know now so I can grab the tissues and replace everything fragile beforehand.”

Peter sighed. “I’ll behave,” he said quietly. “I don’t want to make things worse. I’m lucky that he still loves me.”

“Indeed,” Mozzie said sarcastically as he glanced over at his best friend. “His mother betrayed his love and trust, Suit, and look at their relationship. If you continuously hurt him as you did last night, you may end up in that same situation—except for the fact that he’ll struggle to hate you. I won’t struggle to convince him if it comes to that.”

Peter frowned, watching Neal as he slept. “I hate myself and I kind of wish part of him hated me, too. I was such a dick and he deserves so much better than that from me—or whoever he’s with for that matter.”

Mozzie returned his gaze to Peter. “He’s under the impression that you two will work through this, I think. You should consider yourself a very lucky man because he never wanted to get married or have more children prior to you.”

“I know how lucky I am,” Peter said fiercely. “I could have lost him so many times or I could never have gotten him at all. I think about those things, Mozzie. The fact that he married me and that he’s willing and excited to add to our family means so much to me.” He rubbed his wedding ring, telling himself he could fix this. “He’s a beautiful man beneath his pain. None of what I said to him was justified and I want to thank you for being with him at least.”

There was a long silence following that until Mozzie said, “If he ever tells me that you implied that he’s a whore or prostitute or whatever terminology is relevant _or_ that you called him _easy_ and accuse him of _wanting_ to be raped, I will do so much more than just threaten your life, Peter.” Since Mozzie used his name, he knew the short man wasn’t messing around. “I love him—not in the same way you do, but I love him nonetheless. He’s important to me and I don’t want to watch him fall apart or consider ending his life.” He paused. “I don’t want him to succeed in ending his life because you made him feel horrible about himself. I guided him through his breakup with Keller and he barely made it through that because he was in so much emotional pain.” Peter’s eyes watered as he let Mozzie’s words sink in. “He’s head over heels in love with you. If you break his heart, I don’t know if I’ll be able to save him this time. You damn well better fix this, Peter, because I can’t let you destroy him when he’s worked hard to get himself to this point.”

Peter nodded slowly, reaching up to rub his eyes. “He’s incredible,” Peter whispered. “I would do anything to fix this and he knows that. I’ll never hurt him the way Keller did. I can’t lie to Neal. I can’t hit him or push him around.” He closed his eyes and listened to Neal’s soft snoring. “I’d rather end my own life before even considering breaking him to the point where I’m the reason he wants to kill himself. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself knowing I did that to him.”

Mozzie left shortly thereafter with the promise that he’d be back soon to check on them. Peter sat down on the coffee table and watched his husband sleep. His hair was a mess and Peter thought he looked gorgeous. He was wearing his sweatpants with one of Peter’s white shirts. Peter loved that Neal was so comfortable. He appreciated the fact that Neal wore his clothes even after they fought. They’d be okay in the end, but he wouldn’t let that be the end of it. He’d gone too far this time and Neal _did_ spend the night away from him. He hurt his husband more than he truly realized and he wanted nothing more than to be able to hold Neal against him with the knowledge that Neal loves him and that Neal _might_ forgive him.

About twenty minutes later, Neal began to stir. Peter smiled sadly at him, hoping he wouldn’t make things worse by being here. “Peter,” he whispered sleepily. Peter’s heart leapt into his throat. Neal moaned and nuzzled his face against the pillow. When Neal froze, he knew Neal remembered he wasn’t at home in his bed with his husband. The next time he said, “Peter,” he sounded broken, like he was going to cry.

Peter thought about letting Neal wake up a little more, but he felt terrible as it was. He didn’t want Neal to hurt more. He got onto his knees in front of the couch and tentatively stroked the younger man’s hair until Neal’s eyes finally opened. His eyes were watering and he looked startled to see Peter. “I’m right here,” he whispered.

Neal reached out to take Peter’s other hand in his, squeezing it tightly. “You’re really here.”

“Yes, angel. I…don’t know if you want me here, but I came to see you.”

The younger man sat up and pulled Peter close, hugging him. He buried his face in the crook of Peter’s neck, whispering, “You’re my husband. I always want you wherever I go.”

Peter rubbed Neal’s back, kissing Neal’s hair. “That’s a relief,” Peter murmured. “I couldn’t sleep without you.”

Neal pulled back to look at Peter, concerned. “You didn’t sleep?” Peter shook his head, glancing away from Neal. He felt like an idiot for admitting that to Neal, but he didn’t realize Neal felt like a dick for being able to sleep while Peter couldn’t. Even though his night hadn’t been all that much better, he did get to sleep off and on, which was still more than what Peter got apparently. “Are you…going to work today?”

“If you don’t want me to, then no.”

Neal bit his lip. He didn’t know what to do. Mozzie would probably hate him if he went right back to Peter after all that he’d said. Neal knew Mozzie wouldn’t hesitate to beat the shit out of Peter if he had the chance to—especially since Peter said all of those awful things. The thing is, he realized that line of thought was ridiculous. Mozzie was trying to convince him that Peter didn’t mean all of those horrible things he spat at Neal last night. If his best friend was trying to push him in the direction of making things better with his husband and if he’d willingly let Peter into the apartment, then Mozzie must be all right with the situation. That relieved Neal because he wouldn’t have to convince Mozzie to leave Peter alone. “Stay with me,” Neal whispered. “We’ll… We’ll go home and talk. If all goes well and we’re okay, we can get some sleep together.”

Peter pecked Neal’s lips. “I like the sound of that, baby.”

Neal grabbed his things and was getting ready to leave while Peter waited patiently by the door. Neal paused at the dining room table before turning to face Peter. The older man gave him a concerned look the moment he turned towards him. “If at any point you plan on making me feel better or feel like making it up to me, I am going to tell you right now: no sex.” Peter nodded. “I’m not saying we’re never having sex again. I just don’t want makeup sex. We’re talking this out. I don’t want to fuck our problems away because they’ll fester until we can’t stand each other anymore.”

“I wouldn’t feel comfortable making love to you if we’re tense anyway, angel,” Peter whispered. “There’s no point in doing it if we aren’t relaxed and able to enjoy it with each other for what it is. I’m entirely with you when you say we’re going to talk about this. I…bet you have a lot to say to me.”

The younger man sighed. “I’m really hurt, but I’m not a dick, Peter. We both piss each other off at times. Last night, I just happened to piss you off more than any other time.”

Peter shook his head vehemently, stepping towards Neal quickly. “That doesn’t give me the right to make you run away,” he said fiercely. “I’ve never seen you so afraid of _me_ before last night and that was incredibly painful in itself. I can’t imagine how I made you feel.” He took Neal’s hands in his and stared into his husband’s eyes. “I love you so damn much, Neal, and last night showed you that I’m such an asshole. I don’t know why you still want to be with me after everything I said. Those were the worst things I could have _ever_ said to you.”

“I married you,” Neal whispered, frowning. “You’re my husband. I want to spend my life with you. If I didn’t want to commit myself to this for good, I wouldn’t have gone through with it.” Peter knew that. Neal didn’t see a future for himself because of his past relationships and then Peter gave him all the right reasons to reconsider. “I’m not divorcing you because you called me a whore who wants to be raped.” Peter cringed, feeling like a major jackass. “I didn’t want to be around you after that, but that doesn’t mean I’m not in love with you. I love you a hell of a lot, Peter. If this is going to work, we need to talk through this. I want to understand why you said all that you did. I want to know why you kept hurting me and why you brought everything that could ever hurt me up.”

The older man nodded, closing his eyes. “I’m not going to make excuses. You want honesty and I’ll give it to you. After last night, you deserve that and then some.” He opened his eyes and saw the sadness in Neal’s. “I don’t want you to leave me, Neal.”

“I’d leave for the night. I’m not leaving _you._ ”

“I would deserve it if you chose to,” Peter murmured.

Neal pulled his hands away from Peter’s and lifted them to caress the sides of Peter’s face. “I love you so much, Peter. I don’t want to leave unless you tell me you don’t love me. We’re not going to have that perfect marriage they used to show on television. We’re not always going to be happy with each other and all enthusiastic about damn near everything.” He rubbed Peter’s cheekbones slowly with his thumbs. “You and I are Peter and Neal. We’re not the Brady Bunch. I’ll get mad at you and you’ll get mad at me. We’re functional because we realize we’re human—that we both make mistakes. I’m not afraid to admit to you that I fuck up. I know I fucked up last night and—”

“No. You did nothing wrong.” Neal looked like he didn’t believe Peter. “I wish you would have asked me to go with you when you went to see Keller, but what’s done is done. _I_ fucked up the moment I mentioned rape.”

The younger man sighed. “I want to go home. Can we finish this there?” Peter nodded and Neal lowered his hands, taking Peter’s right hand in his left. He glanced up at his husband and tentatively leaned towards him until Peter realized what he wanted and closed the distance between them, kissing him gently.

•◊•

Neal and Peter sat at their dining room table across from each other as usual. They didn’t know where to start, so it was just awkward silence at the moment. Peter kept glancing at his husband warily, expecting Neal to give up and leave him again. Neal looked really sad and Peter didn’t know what to say that would immediately change that. He took a silent, deep breath. Upon exhaling, he murmured, “I’m sorry for everything.” Neal finally looked at him and Peter was relieved to see some light spark in Neal’s eyes. “In all honesty, I don’t know what was wrong with me last night. I was really pissed at you and then I just started spewing all of these awful things that I never should have thought about or said aloud.”

“Tell me what was going through your mind,” Neal whispered.

Peter sighed heavily, closing his eyes for a moment. “I didn’t and still don’t understand why you went to see him without me. You didn’t even attempt to ask me.” He opened his eyes and frowned. “I love you and I know what he’s done to you in the past. He never did to you what Vincent and Craig did, but he still hurt you and I hate him.” Neal gave him a sad smile that Peter wanted to kiss until it became a real smile. “You’re my husband and I don’t like when you’re hurt. You broke down when you found out Vincent was out of prison. I don’t want you to put yourself in a position where you’re confronting your past and coming out of it worse than you were when you went in.” He paused and then stammered, “That’s not my way of saying you’re weak. God, no. I’m just… I’m trying to say that you’re sensitive to your past. Matthew beat the hell out of you one too many times and he played with your heart and mind when you were with him. I hate that you wanted to see him. He broke your heart and sent you spiraling into a depression you had a hard time pulling yourself out of. He’s the reason all of your relationships were mostly for sexual purposes.” Neal’s lips parted and Peter noticed. He assumed he was saying all of the wrong things, but he kept going because Neal wanted his honesty now. “You were afraid to trust and give your heart to another man because of him. They all used you and it was _his_ fault.”

Neal was quiet for a few moments and then he nodded slowly. “I understand,” Neal said quietly. “I’m sorry, Peter. I should’ve known better than to confront him when I was already vulnerable.” He wasn’t sure if he even wanted to mention that he’d planned on seeing Craig as well. That would probably spark holy hell in his husband. “Do you think I can’t handle my past without you at my side?” he asked softly.

“I think you could,” Peter said. “After all, you survived sixteen years following the day you ran away from home and I was never there for you then.” He sighed and rested his elbow on the table, palming his forehead. “I never wanted to smother you and I realize I’m doing that to you a lot. I completely took over your life when you came out of the hell that Craig put you through. I’ve been too pushy with you, but I’ve been afraid to pretend everything’s fine.” He met Neal’s eyes and pleaded with him silently. “I was afraid of where our relationship was headed when you tried to kill yourself. Neal, I don’t know if I make you happy enough to _want_ to live.” 

The younger man reached across the table to hold Peter’s other hand. “I’m happy with you and I appreciate everything you did for me after what happened with Craig. I don’t think I could have survived that alone and I’m truly sorry for what I put you through.” He rubbed Peter’s wedding ring before closing his eyes, bowing his head. “I know I’m messed up and—”

Peter immediately cut him off. “There’s nothing wrong with you,” he said tightly. “You’re the best husband a man could ever ask for, Neal. You love me unconditionally, respect me, and make me smile… You’re a wonderful human being and I’m proud to call you mine.” He squeezed Neal’s hand, waiting for Neal’s head to lift up. When he didn’t raise his head, Peter continued. “What they did to you was horrible. Neal, I can’t tell you how I’d feel if I were in your position because I honestly have no idea. I can’t read your mind, baby, but I know you’re suffering even when you don’t show it. I blame Vincent because he was the first to hurt you. His demon-child spawned directly from hell went after you because of him.”

“What you don’t understand is that my relationship wasn’t all bad with Matthew,” Neal whispered. “It was nice at first. He took me on dates and we did a lot of things together. I don’t know when the evil kicked in, but it was like that for a while. He started beating me when he came home drunk one night and accused me of fucking someone I didn’t even know.” Neal breathed shakily and lifted his head. His eyes were watering and Peter’s heart clenched. “After that first time, he just beat me whenever he was pissed off. He said I was cheating on him repeatedly and told me I was good for nothing. He didn’t need drinks to spark his need. He just took one look at me and thought ‘whore’ before grabbing me.” Peter intertwined his fingers with Neal’s, listening to his husband. He didn’t know _everything_ about Neal and Matthew, but he knew Matthew was a bastard. Neal started crying and Peter didn’t know what to do. “He forced me into sex a few times. I feel disgusting to admit this to you, but he…made me play with his toys. He was rough and I didn’t like it.”

The older man had more reason to hate Keller now. Even after all this time, the thought of what Keller had done was enough to make his husband cry. “Neal, you don’t have to tell me this if it upsets you,” Peter whispered.

Neal shook his head. “You know I was a whore. He used objects I’m not going to tell you about. There was one night when he brought another man home with him and they wanted to have a threesome.” Peter’s eyes widened and Neal’s fingers clenched around Peter’s. “I’m fucking stupid. I let it happen because Matthew wanted it. They both fucked me and it was awful.”

“At the same time?” Peter asked tentatively. Neal nodded, his lips trembling. “Neal, it’s okay. It’s in the past. That will never happen to you again, baby. You’re the only man I ever want to make love to and I don’t want to bring anyone else into our bed.”

“I feel sick,” Neal said, choking back a sob. “I’m so disgusting and stupid. I’m a horrible person, Peter. I had my son with me by this point and I was letting two men fuck me. What kind of God damn role model was I?”

Peter gently pulled Neal’s hand when Neal tried to get up and leave. “He was a baby during all of this, Neal. He will never know about this,” Peter whispered. “What you’re telling me will stay between _us._ ”

“The sick fuck told me he was talking to Vincent and Craig about me in prison. It was disgusting and I had a sick dream about it.” Peter’s heart hurt so much as he watched his husband sob. “I’m married and I had a dream about all three of them fucking me, Peter. What the hell is wrong with me?”

This time, he wrenched his hand out of Peter’s and backed his chair up. He stood and briskly walked into the living room with Peter following him. Peter touched Neal’s back before wrapping his arms around his husband’s torso. He closed his eyes and breathed against Neal’s hair. “Neal, relax, honey.”

Neal grabbed Peter’s arms and held onto them, breathing heavily. “The dream made it look like I wanted it. Like you said last night. I wanted them to rape me.” Neal shut his eyes tightly. “I don’t want to be raped,” he whispered brokenly. “I don’t want them to hurt me like that. I don’t want any of them to touch me again.”

“I’m going to make sure that doesn’t happen to you, angel.” He kissed the back of Neal’s neck, gently squeezing his husband. “Neal, I don’t think you’re disgusting. Keller and I put these thoughts into your head with all of the shitty things we said to you. I never meant to hurt you like that. Keller doesn’t give two shits about you, so he probably wanted you to imagine it and suffer.”

“Were you pissed at me because you’re as afraid as I am?” Neal asked, gasping for breath as he cried.

Peter nodded. “Yes,” he said fiercely. “What he did to you broke your heart, your self-esteem, and made you feel terrified to trust someone else. I’m afraid that you’re going to look at yourself in the mirror one day and see yourself doing those things again. Neal, I thought you were hurting yourself by seeing him and I know that you’ll try to kill yourself if you hurt yourself enough. You beat yourself up emotionally until you come to the conclusion that you’re so unworthy of living and of being loved by someone unconditionally.”

Neal turned his head slightly and Peter nuzzled his face against Neal’s. “I’m in love with you—you’re my husband, my soulmate. You’re my safe haven,” he whispered. “Everything that happened last night hurt so much only because you’ve always treated me like I’m normal. Last night, you made me feel anything but normal.”

“Baby, you’re the love of my life,” Peter murmured, kissing Neal’s temple. “You’ve always been my Neal. I don’t care about your past _that_ way. I can’t look at you and be disgusted because of how those monsters mistreated you. You were never at fault.” Neal opened his eyes a little, his lips still parted as he tried to calm himself down. “Keller played with you, Neal. You were in love with him and he stabbed you in the back. Vincent used and abused you for being young and vulnerable. He used your mother as a way to coerce you into sex. And Craig… That monster used _me_ to hurt you.” He shuddered as he hugged Neal tighter. “I never wanted him to hurt you. I would have taken it for you, Neal. I’d let him hurt me because you’ve been hurt enough.”

“I can’t bear the thought of him raping you,” Neal whispered. “It’s awful. I hate myself and struggle almost every single day to find one thing I like about myself. I have wanted to die so many times because I feel so broken and useless. Craig made me bleed and I thought he was doing so much damage to me inside because he was relentless. He laughed at me when I screamed and begged him to stop. It only encouraged him.” Peter could feel Neal trembling against him. “I was raped before. I never want you to experience that. I never want you to feel like you aren’t good enough for me. I’m a broken toy that could be easily replaced, Peter. You’re that one person who saves his broken things because he wants to fix them up and play with them again.”

Peter kissed Neal’s cheek repeatedly, shutting his eyes to keep himself from crying. “I couldn’t let you go if I tried,” he whispered fiercely. “I’ve never wanted to fix you. I’ve wanted to help you and heal you. They hurt you and I want to make you feel better about yourself. You could have left me forever because I abused you in ways that were comparable to what they’d done to you. Everything I said to you was _emotional_ rape. I said what I wanted to say and hurt you. They had sex with you because they wanted it and they left you behind when they were done with you.” Neal turned in Peter’s arms, pressing his hands against Peter’s chest. Peter’s arms wrapped around him and held him close. “I’m never going to be done with you,” he whispered. “I want you in my life, Neal. I want to love you and I want you to believe me when I tell you I love you. The last thing I’ve ever wanted to do was become one of them and I may as well have become all three of them because I scared you, made you cry, and made you run away.”

•◊•

Peter snuggled closer to Neal, ghosting his fingers over Neal’s abdomen. Neal’s fingers were tangled in his hair and he was able to listen to the younger man’s heart beat. They were all right now. Neal vented some and so did Peter. It was a good compromise between the two of them that helped a lot. They made each other understand their points of view.

They’d finished their conversation two hours ago and they spent forty-five minutes making love with each other afterwards. Neal seemed reluctant, but he’d initiated it. “Are you okay?” Peter asked softly.

“Yeah,” Neal whispered, cradling the back of Peter’s head. “I’m just…thinking.” He glanced to his left to look at Peter’s nightstand, seeing pictures Peter took with the addition of a wedding picture Jon had taken. He loved Peter’s pictures of the two of them because it reminded him that the good outweighed the bad in their relationship. Neal realized how happy he looked in those pictures and he saw it in Peter as well.

Peter looked up at him. “Do you want to talk about it or would you rather not?”

Neal sighed, stroking Peter’s hair. “I’m concerned now. Are we going to be stable enough to take care of the twins when they’re born? I mean, we just had sex, but… That doesn’t necessarily mean we’re out of the woods yet.”

“I think we’ll be okay if I think before going off on you,” Peter whispered. “We’ll make it through this, hon. I told you that.” Peter rubbed Neal’s stomach slowly. “I need to talk to Nicky and make sure he knows we’re okay. He was pissed at me last night and I tried to promise him that I’d have you home today. Fortunately, you made sure I wasn’t a liar.”

The younger man chuckled. “Nicky loves you, Peter. He defended me because he’s my baby. He feels the way I feel sometimes and vice versa.” Peter laid his head on Neal’s chest again. “You’re his poppa. He’ll forgive you when he sees that I’ve forgiven you. You didn’t do anything to me that would make him hate you. He was just as upset as I was.”

Peter pushed himself up and Neal felt like Peter was going to leave until Peter shifted to lay on top of Neal, kissing Neal’s jaw. “I wasn’t upset that he took your side. You’re his daddy. You’re the one he’ll always side with and I’m okay with that. He made me realize how much of a dick I was to you before and after you left. He wouldn’t talk to me this morning.”

“We’ll all sit down together when he gets home, okay?”

“Yes, angel.”

They laid together quietly for a while. Neal kept thinking about things. He tried to tell himself Peter would never hurt him that badly ever again and he was beginning to believe himself. If Nicky still wouldn’t talk to Peter, he’d fix the bond between them. He didn’t want Nicky to avoid Peter like the plague when everything was fine. Neal confided in Peter all of the sexual abuse he’d undergone while with Keller that he’d failed to mention before because he’d been afraid to do so. Peter was nothing but supportive and reassuring. No matter what Neal said to his husband, Peter wasn’t running away.

By the time two o’clock rolled around, Peter was asleep and Neal was slipping out of bed to get dressed. He quickly got himself ready to go and left to head down to Nicky’s school to grab him. He sat in the Corvette and waited for the bell to ring so he could head over and pick his son up. For the time being, he was distracting himself by playing Angry Birds on his phone.

He startled when someone knocked on the window. He glanced up and his heart nearly stopped. He thanked God for car door locks in that moment. Adler was standing beside the car, smirking at him. He glanced away and Neal quickly reached into the backseat to grab his gun. He subtly held it as he rolled the window down a bit—enough to hear and speak to Adler. “Hey, baby,” Adler said seductively. “What do you say to coming home with me tonight?”

“Um, how does ‘go fuck yourself’ sound?”

“Sounds like you want your baby boy to suffer through some really rough sex.”

Neal’s anger flared and he unlocked the car door, opening it to slam it against Vincent. He twisted himself at an angle to hide his gun from the school’s view, but made damn sure Vincent saw it. “You touch my boy and I will kill you,” Neal hissed. “Isn’t it enough to know you fucked me? What good will it do to threaten me and consider fucking my son?”

Adler shrugged. “Because he’s as pretty as you were,” he whispered. “I’d love to kiss those lips of his and suck at his neck.” Adler moaned and Neal felt physically ill. “I’d love to shove my cock in him so deep that he—”

Neal didn’t give a fuck anymore. He didn’t even hesitate to shoot Vincent then. In that moment, he truly didn’t care if he killed him or not. Unfortunately, he didn’t die. He fell to his knees, clutching his side while hissing painfully. “I have several bullets left if you’d like to keep going.” Vincent glared up at Neal. “I’m an FBI agent. I’m legally permitted to have this gun and I can proclaim self-defense as well as the defense of unarmed children and school faculty since we’re in a school zone. You don’t need to be armed to go back to prison. You’re a God damn pedophile, you son of a bitch.”

“Bet your husband loves that kind of talk in bed,” Vincent said, grunting in pain.

“Don’t even try to tell me you know my husband,” Neal snapped. “Peter’s a thousand times the man you are.”

Vincent laughed bitterly. “He certainly was when he watched Craig escort you upstairs to fuck you ruthlessly.” Neal grit his teeth and placed his gun right against Vincent’s temple, barely refraining from pulling the trigger. “You love me, Neal. Admit it. You can’t kill me.”

Neal stared at the man who’d raped him as a teenager, who’d stolen his innocence and his childhood from him, who’d turned his mother against him. He felt no remorse when he considered shooting Vincent. The only thing that stopped him was that he knew he wasn’t that guy. He wasn’t going to murder someone because he’d been hurt. There was no justice in that. “I _hate_ you,” Neal said fiercely. He spat at Vincent and reached into the car to grab his handcuffs. Vincent was sitting against the car, staring up at Neal.

“Your mother would hate you if you killed me.”

“Like I give a damn,” Neal said, laughing mirthlessly. “My mother is dead to me. I could honestly care less if she hates me. She’s your whore instead of my mother and that’s how it’s been since you came into our lives, you bastard. You took my mother from me. You made her a druggie and an alcoholic. You made her give less than a fuck about me. You forced her to give you permission to rape me. The mother I had as a kid before you came into my life is gone. She left the day she met you and was replaced by a woman I can’t recognize.”

“She never loved you.”

Neal knelt down and grabbed Vincent’s wrists, forcing him roughly to twist. He pulled Vincent’s arms behind him and handcuffed him. “She did once,” he said quietly. “Then you came along.” He pulled Vincent up and shoved him against the Corvette. “Huh,” he said, laughing. “This is kind of funny considering the first time you fucked me. Remember pinning my arms behind me, threatening me that you’d kill my mother if I screamed?” Vincent didn’t respond. “I know you’ll never forget every moment you stole from me. Savor the fact that I’m not going to kill you today.” He pulled his phone out of his pocket, clutching his gun tightly in the other and made a call. “Jones, I need you to bring a small team to Ascension—my son’s school. I have Vincent Adler in custody.” Jones was telling Neal that he was nearby and would be over in less than five minutes. “Fantastic. I’ll be here.”

“Too much of a little bitch to have your husband come get me?”

Neal laughed. “Nah. I know he’d rip you to shreds in an instant.” Vincent shut up then. He feared Neal’s husband more than Neal himself. “I’d prefer it if you were locked up, honestly. You can rot in hell and wither away.”

“You’re going to hell, you little gay bastard.”

“Aren’t you gay? I mean, last I knew, fucking a boy or a man _as_ a man is considered an act of homosexuality.” Adler was silent. He had no words to say to that. He could claim to be heterosexual all he wanted and Neal would still suggest Adler was homosexual because of what he’d done. Neal was able to do this without panicking because he knew Nicky would be safe and he had Adler handcuffed at gunpoint. Talking to Peter, admitting to everything he’d done with Adler’s son, helped him. The fact that Peter made love to him as sweetly as he always did after all of that made him realize he was truly loved. He could tell Peter about anything and Peter wouldn’t leave him. With Peter at his side, he felt stronger. His wedding ring felt like the Green Lantern’s ring in a way and he rolled his eyes at himself mentally because he’d been watching too many episodes of _Justice League_ with Nicky.

When Jones showed up, his team grabbed Vincent and threw him into the back of a cruiser. Neal watched as Adler was taken away and he was proud of himself. He’d refrained from killing the bastard and becoming someone he wasn’t. He’d faced his fear of Adler and shot him enough to incapacitate him and then he’d even gone so far as to cuff him until Jones arrived. “Neal,” Jones breathed. “Are you all right? Where’s Peter?”

“Peter’s at home,” Neal said quietly. “I’m just fine, Jones. I was sitting in the car since Nicky gets out soon and the son of a bitch knocked on the window.” He shook his head. “I want him locked up elsewhere. Don’t put him back with Matthew Keller and Craig Laird. They’re all conspiring together.”

Jones nodded. “I’ll make sure he’s isolated.” The school bell rang and Jones glanced over for a moment before returning his gaze to Neal. “I’ll let you get your son. I’m glad you’re all right, kid.”

Neal smiled at the other agent. “Thanks.” He crossed the street as Jones and his team left. He waited outside of the school with the other parents for the kids to come out and found Trent’s mom. He talked to her for a few minutes until Nicky came out and barreled into him. “Hey, kiddo,” Neal said, chuckling as he stroked Nicky’s hair.

“Daddy,” he said softly. Trenton walked over to his mother and smiled at Nicky. “I missed you.”

“I missed you, too.”

Nicky backed up and met his father’s eyes. “Am I going with you back to Uncle Mozzie’s apartment?”

Neal shook his head. “Poppa and I spent the day together. We talked and everything’s okay, Nicky. I went home and I’m gonna take you home.”

The teenager grinned, thrilled to hear that. He glanced back at Trent before looking at Neal again. “Can I have Trent over for my birthday, dad?” As Neal was about to say that’d be fine, Nicky added, “Maybe a sleepover?”

“If his mother’s okay with it,” he said, glancing at Trent’s mom. She smiled and nodded. “I’m fine with it. I can pick you both up after school if you want to bring your things to school, Trent, or I can take you home to get your stuff and then take you to our house.”

Trent grinned. “I can bring my stuff to school and go home with you, Mister Burke.”

Neal smiled wryly at the teenager. “Just call me Neal, goofy kid. I told you before to call me Neal. No ‘Mister’ anything, ‘kay?” Trent nodded, smiling at Neal.

Nicky was so excited now and Neal was happy to see that. They discussed party plans for the two of them and Neal and Peter. Nicky didn’t want anybody else to come over, which Neal decided was fine. If Nicky ended up falling in love with Trent down the road, he’d force Nicky to make a few more friends, but he’d understand not wanting anyone else to intrude on their plans. He and Peter were the same way.

They were about to split up and head to their respective homes, but Trent reached out for Neal’s hand and looked up at him fearfully. Neal smiled at him, trying to figure out what Trent wanted. “Neal, can I ask you something?” he whispered.

Neal nodded. “Sure.” He glanced at Nicky. “If you want to go wait in the car, it’s unlocked, baby.” Nicky nodded and carefully crossed the street with Neal watching. “What’s up, Trent?” he asked once he returned his gaze to his son’s best friend.

“Would it be…weird if I called you my dad?” Neal looked a little confused. “You’re always nice to me and I’m with Nicky a lot. You bought me some really cool presents for my birthday and… You’re just an awesome dad. I’m kinda jealous that you’re Nicky’s.”

Neal was touched by that. “I don’t see a problem with that,” he said softly. Trent stepped closer and hugged Neal. Neal stroked Trent’s hair, smiling down at the boy. “You’re always welcome to our house, Trent. You’re practically like a son to me as it is—causing havoc when you play in the game room with Nicky.” Trent giggled as he stepped back. “You’re a great kid, Trent. I’m glad you and Nicky are close. You’re part of the family, kiddo.”

They finally parted and Neal smiled as he made his way over to his son. He’d never expected that from Trent, but it was really sweet. He liked the kid a lot and had a feeling he’d be around for a long time, so he may as well let Trent call him whatever he felt comfortable with. It wasn’t like he didn’t already feel like Trent’s dad. He usually took Trent and Nicky wherever they wanted to go. Trent may as well be his son sometimes. He knew Trent’s mom appreciated that Trent had him and Peter every now and then—proper father figures. He really didn’t mind if Trent wanted to call him dad.

When he got into the car, Nicky talked about his day at school and explained how he’d been upset with Peter for saying such cruel things to Neal. Neal reached over and stroked Nicky’s hair as he talked about how he’d ignored Peter after Neal left as well as this morning. He hadn’t even said bye to Peter after he’d gotten dropped off because he’d been so upset. He was sad that he’d ignored his poppa, but he was excited that his fathers were okay now. “Poppa’s not mad at me, right?”

“God, no, baby. He has no reason to be mad at you. He’s mad at himself, but everything’s okay now.” When they got home, Neal was surprised that Peter was still asleep. He decided to help Nicky with his homework and then get dinner started so it’d be ready by the time Peter woke up. He smiled as he listened to Nicky talk to him. He was happy to be home even though he knew he hadn’t been gone long. He missed his baby and his husband. Glancing at Nicky, he was thrilled that the teenager was happier now. Last night was rough for all of them. Peter and Neal turned on each other and Nicky turned on Peter. The family relationship could have easily been compromised if Neal and Peter hadn’t worked things out, so he was glad the two of them spent the day together trying to work through their problems. They needed each other more than they realized at times, especially since they wanted to raise a family together. Without the other, the family wouldn’t feel complete.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal and Peter discuss a few more things; Nicky turns fourteen.

“You _what?_ ”

Neal shrugged. “I shot him.”

Peter looked incredulous, wishing he'd been there to see Neal in action. “Baby... Wow.” Neal's brows furrowed. He didn't understand why Peter was so surprised. “I'm very proud of you. I wish I could have seen it myself, honestly.”

Neal's face heated up. He smiled at Peter shyly. Hearing that Peter was proud of him always made him feel better about himself. Part of him didn't want to believe that he needed Peter to approve his actions, but he realized how much he really did need Peter to be proud of him. Even Nicky was grinning at him. “He was making sick comments that got to me. The only way to make him shut up was to shoot him.”

Nicky went over to his father and hugged him. “Daddy, can I borrow your phone to call Trent?”

Neal groaned quietly. “I suppose.” He pulled his phone out of his pocket and unlocked his phone, handing it to his son. “Half an hour, Nick—forty-five minutes at the latest. You have a project to work on since you didn’t want to start before dinner.” Nicky took off, grinning, to head down to the game room so he could call Trent.

Peter reached across the table and rubbed Neal’s knuckles. “I’m glad you’re all right,” he whispered.

The younger man smiled at his husband for a moment before it faltered. He glanced over his shoulder to make sure Nicky closed the basement door before turning back to his husband. “He was threatening to hurt Nick,” he whispered. There was a moment of silence before Neal shook his head. “ _Hurt_ is putting it mildly.”

“Neal,” Peter whispered.

“You don’t realize how painful it is to hear a bastard like him tell you he wants to fuck your son,” Neal said brokenly. “He had the guts to say it to me and I pulled my gun on him. It was probably not the best way of going about things, but I injured him and cuffed him.” He met Peter’s eyes and swallowed hard. “I’m weak,” he whispered, “but I won’t hesitate to defend my family.”

Peter intertwined his fingers with Neal’s. “You’re not weak,” he muttered. “I love you, Neal. I love how protective you are even if it’s harmful to yourself. You—”

“I’d let myself be raped time and time again if it meant you were safe,” he whispered fiercely. Peter didn’t know what to say. “If I fell to pieces and cracked enough to be legally defined as insane, I wouldn’t give a damn. I’d go down in flames knowing I protected you. You’re not the only one who’d do anything for his husband.”

The older man got up from his seat and fear flashed across Neal’s expression for a brief moment. “Hon,” he said gently, raising his hands to chest level. Neal swallowed and nodded, looking away from his husband. When Peter came around to stand beside him, Neal looked up at him again. “Neal, you are the most beautiful man I know,” he whispered, stroking Neal’s hair. “As much as it’s killed me to watch you live your life with the burden of—”

“Peter, don’t,” Neal whispered. “You’re my one true love. You’re not a burden. Saving you wasn’t a burden.”

Peter dragged Nicky’s chair closer and sat in it, taking Neal’s hand in both of his. “You did something for me that I will never be able to thank you for,” Peter said sadly. “You will truly do anything to protect the people you love and I know that. I have never doubted that. Honey, you don’t deserve that… I understand why you did it and I’m not going to tell you that it meant nothing to me.” He saw pain in Neal’s eyes, but pressed on. “What you did for me… Neal, you’re my hero. I would have taken anything from him if it saved your life. I never wanted him to hurt you and he almost took you from me forever.”

Neal smiled sadly at his husband. “When Vincent raped me, I let it happen because he threatened my mother. I learned from that experience that I shouldn’t do something to hurt myself if the person I was trying to save didn’t give a damn about me,” he whispered. “When Craig taunted me, I knew I couldn’t let him hurt you. Peter, you’re a fantastic man and an excellent father. I knew you loved me for who I am and I think some small part of me knew you’d help me. I saved you from the physical abuse he put me through and _you_ saved my life before he could take it.” He leaned forward and kissed Peter, closing his eyes. When they parted, he whispered, “There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you or Nicky. If I thought Nicky was going to suffer, I’d give my body up in an instant to protect him. I did it for you, Peter, and I don’t regret it. I hurt myself by doing that and it was well worth it in the end because you’re still the wonderful man you were the day I made that decision.”

“It isn’t fair,” Peter said petulantly. “He could have killed you. Losing you would have destroyed me, Neal. Don’t risk your life for me because you don’t want me to change. I’d be just fine. You don’t deserve that kind of pain, baby.”

“You wouldn’t be just fine,” Neal insisted. “Having your insides torn up by a monster who _wants_ you to bleed would change you. You saw what it did to me. Peter, you’re stronger than I am and I know you’re strong enough to help me. You got me through all of that. I know that if I gave myself up for you or for Nicky that you’d come for me and that you’d help me because I know you love me.”

Peter shook his head. “You’d be able to help me if our positions were reversed.”

“Maybe,” Neal whispered. He took his left hand away from Peter’s hands and lifted it to stroke Peter’s cheek. “But I don’t want you to know how it feels and I hope to God I can protect both of you from that. I don’t want you to change, Peter. I love you as you are and seeing you as damaged as I am wouldn’t just kill me. It would _murder_ me to see you in such extensive pain and misery.”

“You think I didn’t feel that way?” Peter asked incredulously, his eyes widening.

Neal was quick to recover. “I do think you felt that way. I just… Peter.” Peter’s brows drew together in concern as Neal just stared at him sadly. “Nothing I say to you will ever give you reason to justify what I did for you. Telling you I did it to save you won’t ease your own pain. Don’t fight me on this. Just listen to me and accept that I wouldn’t hesitate to let someone hurt me if it kept my husband and son safe from harm.”

Peter nodded reluctantly, glancing away from Neal for a few moments until Neal rose from his seat and planted a gentle kiss against his husband’s forehead. The two cleared off the dining room table and did dishes together before heading into the living room to sit on the couch together. Neal’s head was in Peter’s lap and Peter was stroking Neal’s hair. “Do you mind if I bring up something completely irrelevant to our previous discussion?” Peter whispered. Neal shook his head, giving Peter a small smile. “We haven’t discussed this at all, but… We should probably start thinking about names for the babies. They’ll be here soon and all we have right now is Boy and Girl.”

Neal chuckled and nodded. “Okay. You choose the boy’s first name and I’ll choose his middle name. I’ll choose the girl’s first name and you choose her middle name. What do you think?”

“Joseph,” Peter said instantly. “We can call him Joey for short.”

Neal smiled at the older man. “Joey Jon Burke,” he said quietly. Peter gave him such an affectionate smile that Neal understood. “I love your dad. I feel like it’s only fair to give him a little more credit.”

Peter laughed quietly, resting his hand on Neal’s chest just above his heart. “All right. I like it, baby. Any thoughts for the girl’s name?”

“Gabriella.” He rested his hand above Peter’s hand. “It’s what I would have named Nicky if I’d known about him in the first place and if he’d turned out to be a daughter rather than a son.”

“It’s beautiful.” Peter rubbed his thumb over Neal’s chest, thinking about the middle name for their daughter. “Gabriella Lynn Burke.” Neal grinned at him and Peter took that as a good thing. “We could call her Gabby if she talks too much—or Brie. Either way, Gabriella is beautiful.”

Neal laughed and Peter’s heart fluttered at the sound of it. Neal’s laugh warmed his heart. Peter watched his husband sit up and scoot back a bit until Peter decided to grab Neal and pull him into his lap, wrapping his arms around Neal’s waist. “That wasn’t as hard as I thought it was going to be. It honestly took me longer to name Nicky.”

Peter kissed Neal’s jaw. “Joey Jon and Gabby Lynn.”

“Alternatively, Joey Jon and Brie Lynn,” Neal commented, laughing quietly. “Wow. You know, it’s so much nicer to have a partner to discuss this with. It took me a few days to think up Nicolas James. For one, I had no idea what his first name should’ve been. His middle name was dedicated to my father, but I didn’t know what kind of man my father was at that point—not that he’s a terrible person now, but he did kill someone.”

Peter nodded. “Understandable. Where did Nicolas come from?”

Neal’s cheeks heated up. “Honestly, I’m gonna sound really childish. I was inspired by Santa Claus—Saint Nick. Granted, I used the French variation of Nicholas. I like how Nicolas looks without the ‘h’ in it.”

“That’s cute,” Peter said, awed.

The younger man laughed lightly. “I told him stories about Santa Claus when he turned four up until he turned eight and he really loved it. He liked that I named him after Santa.”

Peter kissed Neal’s lips this time, kissing him passionately. He loved Neal even more. He hadn’t realized the innocent and sweet meaning behind Nicky’s name and he loved it. Even at twenty-two, nearly twenty-three, Neal was children oriented. Neal’s descriptions of Christmas prior to running away from home were vague, empty, and rather disappointing. Peter loved that Neal encouraged the child’s imagination. At thirteen almost fourteen, Nicky still believed in Santa. Unfortunately, Neal knew it was coming to an end. Trent and Nicky believed in Santa, but other kids were hinting to them both that their parents were behind all of the presents Santa left at Christmas. Until Nicky asked him about it, he decided to let Nicky believe what he wanted to believe.

He found out too early and it was a big letdown. That was one other thing Vincent ruined for him and he was determined to let his own son imagine something he wished he’d been able to believe in longer. Peter found out when he’d found a receipt on the kitchen counter one morning when he was twelve. It hadn’t bothered him at all. If anything, he was thrilled to ask for realistic presents rather than asking Santa to craft something that didn’t exist. “God, I love you,” Peter whispered against Neal’s lips when they parted briefly. “You’re such a damn kid deep down and I _love_ it.”

Neal smiled. “Really?” Peter kissed him again and Neal took that as a yes. Giggling when he pulled away from Peter, he whispered, “I always liked the idea of Santa and his reindeer. I used to draw stuff like that when I was a kid and I did a few drawings for Nicky as he was growing up that probably ended up getting thrown away at some point, but he was always thrilled. In turn, his excitement excited me. He’s a happy kid and I wanted to make damn sure I kept him happy.”

“Do you think you could do that for the twins?” Peter asked tentatively.

The light in Neal’s eyes made Peter’s heart skip a beat. “I’d love to,” he said enthusiastically. “I’m all for anything that makes the kids happy. I did a lot of ridiculous things when Nicky was little because they made him laugh.” He leaned closer to Peter and closed his eyes as Peter’s arms rubbed him gently. “I love hearing my baby laugh,” he whispered, “and I hope I can do the same with the twins. I really like being a dad even though it was difficult when I was alone and when I’d just gotten Nicky. He was like the trial run and I think I did an okay job with him.”

“Okay is an understatement, baby. You’ve heard what he’s said about the kids’ at school’s dads. None of them sound like _you_ and I know Nicky admires you because you’re a great daddy.” He kissed the corner of Neal’s mouth. “You’re fantastic with children, honey. I highly doubt you’re incapable of making children laugh. You did a great job with Nick and I trust that you’ll be the best daddy ever for Joey and Gabby.”

“That means a lot coming from you,” Neal whispered. “I love kids. I love having a kid even though he’s a pain in the ass sometimes. I mean, hell, I guess I did something right if he jumped to protect me on the spot.”

Peter nodded. “I agree. If he didn’t love you so much, he wouldn’t have tried to keep you safe from me when I was being an ass. You _are_ a great daddy, hon. Nicky’s the proof of that. You raised a good boy and he truly loves you.”

•◊•

Neal woke up early Thursday morning and, after kissing his sleeping husband, went down into the kitchen to start baking a cake for his son. He felt strangely awake at three-thirty in the morning, so he got up. His son was turning fourteen today and he was happy for several reasons. His baby will smile when he sees the birthday presents he and Peter bought Nicky, he and Peter are taking Nicky and Trent out for dinner, and Nicky made it past his thirteenth birthday without problems Neal spent the whole year worrying about.

He had his headphones in while he was working, so he had no idea Peter was standing in the archway leading to the kitchen. He was leaning against the arch, smiling as he watched his husband. Neal was singing quietly and Peter loved it. He couldn’t help snickering a bit when Neal got into a particularly upbeat song and started dancing in front of the counter he was working on. This was a side of Neal he wanted to see more often. This carefree man who sang and danced just because he was happy to do so was someone he cherished.

Neal turned as he was dancing and jumped when he saw Peter smiling at him. He exhaled heavily, closing his eyes for a moment as he took his headphones off. “Jesus Christ. Give a guy a little bit of a warning, will ya?”

“Where’s the fun in that, my love?”

The younger man rolled his eyes. “ _Fun._ You must enjoy giving me heart attacks then, darling.” Peter straightened up and walked over to his husband as he was bent over, putting the cake into the oven. Before Neal could get up, Peter pressed himself against his husband’s ass and slid his hands up Neal’s back, eliciting a shiver and a moan from his husband. “Is this another kink of yours?”

“I like watching you cook,” Peter murmured. “You tend to bend over a lot.”

Neal smirked. “Well, we have time to make a little love while we wait for the cake if you’d like.” Peter moaned, loving how that sounded. Neal straightened up and turned towards Peter and Peter immediately lifted Neal up onto the countertop as Neal initiated a deep kiss. He was so thankful to only have a robe on, but he wanted to get Neal out of his sweatpants and lingerie. Neal wrapped his legs around the older man, crossing his ankles behind Peter, resting his hands on Peter’s shoulders.

When Peter pulled away to take a breather, he whispered, “Are you against letting me fuck you on either the countertop or the floor?”

Neal shivered and shook his head. “Let’s do countertop. Floor’s too cold—hence the reason I’m wearing socks. I don’t want my back and ass on that right now.”

Peter chuckled and nodded. “I’m telling you that I’m about to give you a blowjob and I _want_ you to come in my mouth,” he said seductively. “No buts, baby.” Neal rolled his eyes. “Mm. Please?”

“Fine.” He brushed Peter’s hair back and kissed his lover’s forehead just before Peter bent to shift Neal’s pants and underwear down. He slid them down enough to allow himself access to his husband’s cock and immediately took him in. “Jesus,” Neal whispered, gripping Peter’s hair gently. The things Peter could do with his tongue never failed to impress Neal. As they were getting into their rhythm and Neal was nearing his orgasm, he heard the floor above them creak and his heart skipped a beat. He tugged on Peter’s hair and hurriedly whispered, “Nicky’s up.” Peter didn’t stop and Neal sighed even though he wanted to keep going. “Babe, our son is up and moving. Stop sucking my dick or he’s gonna come down and see you doing it.”

Peter lifted his head and glared playfully at Neal. “I know you were so damn close,” he muttered. “You owe me some come, baby.”

“Okay. I’ll write up an IOU. Now, can you seriously back up so I can get down and pull my pants up?” Peter helped him down and Neal quickly fixed his clothing moments before Nicky came around the corner. “Hey, birthday boy,” Neal said, smiling at his tired son. Nicky was rubbing his eyes. “You’re up early, kiddo.” Nicky didn’t answer. He walked straight over to Neal and barreled into his father’s chest, wrapping his arms around him tightly. Neal cradled Nicky’s head, looking down at his son concernedly. “You okay, Nicky?”

Nicky shook his head and murmured, “I had a nightmare.”

Neal glanced at Peter before answering his son. “Do you want to talk about it?”

The teenager nodded. “If it’s okay, can I just talk to you, dad?” Peter nodded at Neal and mouthed that he’d watch the cake timer that Neal set out. Neal thanked him with a small smile before gently moving his son back. He took Nicky’s hand and led him out into the living room. He sat down on the couch and was surprised when Nicky climbed onto his lap rather than sitting beside him.

“What’s wrong, Nicky?” Neal asked gently, stroking Nicky’s hair.

“I had a nightmare about you,” he whispered. Neal’s heart nearly stopped as terror gripped him. He immediately jumped to the conclusion that Nicky dreamt about his father being raped and he was, unfortunately, correct. “Daddy, I saw Vincent. He was hurting you.”

Neal pulled Nicky closer, holding him gently. He didn’t like this nightmare one bit. He’d do anything to save his family from experiencing it, but he apparently couldn’t stop his son’s imagination. “I’m okay, Nicky. Vincent’s in prison again.”

Nicky nuzzled his father’s chest. “I went into your room to find you and you scared me because you weren’t in there,” he whispered.

“Oh, baby…” He kissed Nicky’s hair, rocking him gently. “I’m sorry, Nicky. I promise I’m okay though. I just woke up kinda early and came downstairs—and poppa followed me.”

“I love you, daddy. I don’t want anything to take you away from me,” Nicky said sadly. The teenager held onto his father tightly, closing his eyes. Neal looked up as Peter came to check on them. He looked concerned as Neal essentially rocked his son back to sleep.

Neal looked down at Nicky again and whispered, “I love you, Nicolas. I’m not gonna leave you—ever.” When Nicky was asleep, Neal carefully got up from the couch, shifting Nicky in his arms to carry him a little more comfortably since Nicky was still moderately light enough for him to carry. Peter offered to take him, but Neal shook his head. “I’ve got him, babe. I’ll tuck him in and come right back.”

Peter nodded, heading back into the kitchen while Neal went upstairs. He heard Neal coming down the stairs a few minutes later and waited until his husband came into the kitchen to turn around. “Everything okay?”

The younger man frowned. “He had a nightmare about Vincent and me.” Peter’s expression was comparable to one of heartbreak. “I scared him because I wasn’t in our room. He was afraid and tried to find me. Of course, neither of us were in bed when he went to find me, so…”

Peter crossed the kitchen to stand in front of his husband, holding his hips. “Is he all right now though?”

“I think so. He was really scared though.” Peter nodded, kissing Neal’s forehead. “He didn’t want to let me go. When I put him into bed, he woke up and grabbed me.”

“He loves you, Neal. He’s afraid to lose you.” Peter pressed his forehead against Neal’s and closed his eyes, adding, “As much as I am,” quietly. Neal nodded slowly, looking up at his husband as Peter backed up a bit. He lifted his hands to caress Neal’s cheeks. “It’s okay though. We’ll take his mind off of it later tonight. Trent’s staying over and we’re going to have a lot of fun.”

Neal smiled weakly at the older man. “Damn right,” he whispered. “It’s my baby’s birthday. I’m not gonna let some nightmare mess it up for him.”

After Neal finished up decorating the cake, it was about six-thirty. He and Peter went back up to bed together and cuddled. They figured they weren’t going to get any sleep, but they might as well spend some time together. Peter lazily kissed Neal, his right arm curled beneath Neal’s waist and his left hand resting on Neal’s hip. Neal’s hands were on Peter’s chest. Both of them closed their eyes and moaned quietly occasionally.

Peter rolled over enthusiastically, hovering above his husband. The younger man lifted his hips, grinding against Peter. Peter broke the kiss briefly and breathed hot puffs of air against Neal’s neck, kissing his skin erratically. “God. I love you,” he whispered, leaning up to nibble at Neal’s jaw.

Neal’s lips parted in a silent moan and his arms wrapped around Peter’s neck, sliding over to his shoulders. “I love you,” he said breathlessly. “So much, Peter.” He bent his legs at Peter’s sides, keeping his husband in place.

Their door abruptly opened and Neal gasped as he gently shoved Peter off of him. Peter laid on his side and glanced at the doorway, finding their son staring at them sadly. “Nicky?” Neal pushed himself up, glancing worriedly at his son. “Kiddo, do you want to come in? Dad and I are dressed if that’s why you’re hesitating.”

Neal smacked Peter’s chest, glaring slightly at him. His face heated up as he turned his focus towards his son. Nicky nodded warily and Neal shifted over, putting space between him and Peter. He patted the bed and whispered, “C’mere, baby.” Nicky got onto their bed and crawled across it, getting beneath the blanket to lay down between his fathers. He looked up at Neal sleepily. “Another nightmare?” Neal asked gently, stroking Nicky’s hair.

Nicky shook his head. “Didn’t wanna sleep away from you,” he whispered. “Dad, can I have a sick day today?”

Peter shrugged when Neal glanced at him. “I guess that’s fine. Poppa and I can take the day off, too. We’ve got a bunch of reports we could work on from home.” Nicky turned onto his side and curled up against his father. “Do you want me to call Reese this time?”

The older man shook his head, murmuring, “He’s okay if we call off as long as we’re able to come in if needed and work on reports we were assigned.”

Neal nodded and opted to go back to sleep since Nicky was with them. When Nicky fell asleep, Neal shifted his son around until Nicky was lying in front of him and he was between Nicky and Peter. Peter spooned him, kissing the back of his neck slowly while rubbing small circles on Neal’s hip. His arm was draped over Nicky, hopefully protecting him from other nightmares.

•◊•

“Hey, dad!” Trent said enthusiastically when he saw Neal waiting for him outside of school. “I wasn’t sure if you were still coming to get me since Nicky didn’t come to school today.”

Neal grinned at the teen, offering to take Trent’s bags. He carried them back to the Corvette while Trent walked beside him. “Nicky had a rough night. He wasn’t feeling all that great this morning, so we kept him home.” He unlocked the car and put Trent’s things into the back while Trent got into the passenger side seat. Once he was done, he got in and buckled himself up, glancing over at his son’s best friend. “He’d be disappointed if I cancelled your sleepover—not that I can—and I’m sure you’ll thrill him by being there.”

Trent smiled. “I missed him today. I hope he’s feeling better.”

“Don’t worry. He’ll be happy to see you, Trent. He missed you, too.”

He drove back to the house and once again took Trent’s bags. He led Trent into the house and went up into Nicky’s room to put Trent’s things there. He looked at it all before leaving the room and was worried that it wouldn’t be enough for the next several days. Trent’s mom had a business trip planned the following day until Monday and Neal offered to babysit. She was relieved by that because she’d been frantic, worrying about what she was going to do about Trent. She didn’t want to leave him home alone for several days.

“Honey,” Peter called up to him.

He straightened up and walked out into the hallway. “Yes?”

“Can you grab my phone? I left it on the nightstand.”

Neal smiled. “Sure thing, babe. I’ll be right down.” He went into his bedroom and circled the bed until he was on Peter’s side. He picked Peter’s phone up and saw a picture sticking out from beneath a few papers. Curious, he slid the papers aside and looked at the picture. It was another man who looked very attractive and Neal’s jealousy flared in an instant. He turned the picture over and found no information whatsoever on it, so he had no idea who this man was or why Peter had a picture of him in _their_ bedroom.

He closed his eyes and breathed deeply for a few moments. He didn’t want to believe that Peter _might_ be having an affair because Peter definitely wasn’t the type to cheat as far as he knew. After all, he hadn’t started dating Neal officially until he’d broken things off with Elizabeth. When he opened his eyes, he set the picture back down and covered it up again the way it had been before.

Upon walking into the kitchen, Peter whistled. Neal raised an eyebrow, a little confused. “Well, hello, my sexy husband,” he murmured, smiling at Neal.

Neal’s jealousy still lingered, but he shoved it down for now. He’d ask Peter about it later _calmly_ since he didn’t want to start an argument, especially on Nicky’s birthday. “Hey,” he whispered when Peter walked over to him and kissed his forehead.

He handed Peter the phone and Peter pecked Neal’s lips. “Think we’ll be able to finish what we started this morning since the kids will be distracted?” Peter asked quietly.

“God,” Neal said as he rolled his eyes, “you must be extremely horny right now.” Peter raised an eyebrow, challenging Neal. He wanted Neal to tell him that he wasn’t attractive, thus coming to the conclusion that Peter shouldn’t be turned on by him. “Mm,” Neal moaned quietly. “I’m up for finishing.”

Peter kissed Neal sweetly before shifting around Neal to grab the candles for the cake that he’d gotten a couple days ago. “I’m going to make such sweet love to you tonight,” he whispered seductively, making Neal shiver. “I’m assuming I do that every night, but I want to make sure I do it tonight.”

Neal chuckled. “Sweet and slow sounds good to me,” he said, leaning forward to kiss Peter’s jaw. “You’re not…you know.”

The older man was confused. “What?”

“We’re still going to have a nice dinner date with the kids, right?”

“Of course.” Peter kissed him on the lips for a moment. “I’ve been looking forward to being out with the three of you.” He gazed into Neal’s eyes for a few seconds before realization dawned on him. “Oh, honey. I’m sorry.” He interrupted Neal before Neal could even speak. “I didn’t mean to make it seem like all I’ve wanted from you today is sex,” he said quietly. “We’ll have a nice date and watch a movie with the kids while we eat cake when we get home. If you’re not up for making love tonight, I totally understand. You didn’t sleep all that much.” Neal started to protest and Peter hushed him. “Hey. Honey, you’re not a sex object. I’ve always told you that we can find an alternative way to make our time together nice.” Neal’s cheeks heated up and Peter smiled at him. “I love you,” he said as he pecked Neal’s lips again. “Anytime with you is time well spent.”

Later in the evening, Neal drove the four of them out to McDonalds to eat in the restaurant. It was what Nicky wanted and Trent was thrilled. Both boys were excited that there was a play area in this particular McDonalds and Neal had to lay down the rules: dinner first, then play.

Mozzie met them there and sat with both teenagers across from Peter and Neal. “How does fourteen feel?” Mozzie asked him.

Nicky shrugged. “It kind of feels the same.” He glanced at his father warily even though Neal wasn’t looking. “Better though.” Neal looked up then and met Nicky’s eyes. He straightened up, understanding what his son wasn’t saying. “The presents were awesome. Dad, I’m gonna torment you with the helicopter.”

“I’m going to torment your poppa because he bought the thing,” he muttered, glaring at his husband who leaned closer to kiss him. “You’re lucky I love you,” he whispered to his husband. “I don’t buy remote controlled things because the kid knows he can fly or roll them right into me when I least expect it.” Returning his gaze to his son, he raised an eyebrow. “Like your fifth birthday. Do you remember?”

Nicky giggled, nodding. “You were _so_ mad at Uncle Mozzie.”

“Well, flying that helicopter into my head while I was on the phone wasn’t particularly _nice,_ baby boy. Hence the reason you didn’t see it again after several months. The car though… I nearly killed Uncle Mozzie for that one.”

“I’ve been curious to know,” Mozzie interjected, leaning forward. “What did happen to that car? It looked pretty smashed up when I saw it. Almost like it’d been run over by an actual car.”

Neal’s face flushed as he looked away. “I’m not sure what happened to it.” He glanced up at Peter, who immediately understood. He chuckled, rubbing Neal’s hand on the tabletop.

Nicky smiled at his father. “You’re not going to throw this one out, are you?”

“It depends. If you play with it, I’ll let you keep it.” He playfully glared at Peter. “If I end up getting hit in the head again, someone’s gonna be in a _lot_ of trouble.” He nodded at Peter.

The boys finished their food and Neal let them go play for a little while. Mozzie scooted over into the middle of the bench and leaned back. “How goes things with the Burkes?”

“Pretty good,” Neal answered. “This morning was…a little intense for Nicky, but he seems okay now.” Mozzie gave his best friend a concerned look. “It’s nothing serious, Moz. He had a nightmare is all.”

Mozzie nodded, glancing at Peter. “He stayed home today with us. He was having nightmares about Neal,” Peter said tentatively, earning a smack to the arm from the younger man. “Ouch,” he muttered. Neal rolled his eyes.

“Karen texted me earlier to tell me the twins could be born anytime within the next two weeks.” Mozzie smiled at them, happy to hear that their babies were going to be born very soon. “The doctor said everything looks good and healthy and suggested that she should be able to deliver without a caesarean,” Neal said quietly. He glanced at Peter now, biting his lip. “She asked me to be in the delivery room with her.”

Peter paled instantly and Neal took Peter’s hand, instantly concerned. “Better you than me,” Peter said, sounding like he was about to get sick.

Neal’s brows furrowed. “Wow,” he whispered. “You are so not allowed into the room as they’re being born. If you’re this pale at just the mention of it, you probably shouldn’t be in there.”

“It’s not that,” Peter muttered. “I…wanted Elizabeth to have a baby with me when we were together. I would have been there with her during the delivery. I just… I don’t feel comfortable being there to watch a minor deliver.”

Neal nodded. “Understandable,” he said quietly. “I’m not going to be looking, if you’re concerned about that. I’ll be there just to support her and I’ll call you in the moment everything’s all right.”

Mozzie watched the couple, intrigued by their responses. He knew Neal didn’t mind at all. If anything, Neal was excited to be there for the births. He’d missed Nicky’s birth because Kate kept it from him and that’s really bothered him for a long time. Peter though, Mozzie understood completely. Peter was quite the paranoid FBI agent. He didn’t want to be in uncomfortable situations where one thing can lead to a bad thing.

The moment Mozzie left to use the restroom, Peter kissed Neal’s temple. “Thank you,” he whispered. Neal gave him a questioning look. “You’ve been amazing throughout Karen’s pregnancy. I’m not the best person to go to when it comes to this, but you’ve helped her through a lot and she trusts you. She really likes you if she wants you to be there when she has the babies.”

Neal smiled at his husband. “This is for _us_ and I want to be there when our babies are born.” He glanced towards the play area to watch his son and Trent. “I missed his birth. I’m sometimes not sure if that’s a bad thing though. I would have had to watch Kate die as she gave me my son.”

Peter nodded, keeping his eyes on Neal’s face. “She would have been proud of you for stepping up,” he said quietly. “She obviously wanted you to have some connection to him in the end and he’s grateful. You know what it’s like to grow up without a father. You wouldn’t have done that to Nicky and that’s one thing I love about you. Some fathers wouldn’t even try to claim their baby if they never knew about it. _You_ took responsibility for him the moment you found out about him.”

“Look at him,” Neal said as he nodded towards the play area. Nicky and Trent were messing around, laughing as they played. “I would have missed out on this if Kate lived. Making Nicky happy, seeing him laugh… It’s all I wanted since the first time I held him. I was nervous when I first saw him and I didn’t know what to do, but it all seemed to fall into place when he was in my arms.”

The older man smiled as he watched the boys and as he returned his gaze to his husband. “Neal, I love you,” he whispered. Neal looked at Peter and gave him a small smile that touched his eyes. Peter leaned closer to kiss Neal sweetly. “You’re amazing. You’ve kept your son happy for fourteen years and counting. I know that you’re the only daddy he would ever want in his life, Neal, because I can see how much he loves you when he’s with you.” He intertwined their fingers on the tabletop and rubbed his thumb over Neal’s skin. “There’s never been a moment where you didn’t love him. I know all he’s wanted from you is your love and you’ve given him that and so much more because you made a tremendous effort to do everything you could for him.”

“I’d do anything to make him smile,” Neal whispered. “It always hurt me when he cried and it still does, but you know what?” Peter was listening intently to the younger man, loving the way Neal’s smile widened. “He always came to me. He always wanted me to hold him and to kiss him. I remember being woken up in the middle of the night when he was three or four repeatedly over the course of several nights because he was scared. He always came to me crying and he settled down as soon as I held him against me.” Neal’s eyes watered a bit as he laughed lightly. “He loved sleeping next to me when he was little. I think he knew I’d protect him, even if it was just from the darkness of the night. That means the world to me, Peter, and I hope you get to experience that with the twins when they’re here. Raising Nicky was fantastic despite its ups and downs. That boy is my everything and he always has been.” Neal found himself lost in thought as he whispered, “He always will be.”

Peter smiled softly at the love of his life, draping his arm around Neal’s shoulders. “I’m so glad we met, Neal. If I hadn’t gone down to see you after you made a mess, I’m not sure if I ever would have fallen in love with you. If I hadn’t fallen in love with you, I never would have been blessed with you and Nicky—now, you and Nicky and the twins.” Neal leaned against Peter, closing his eyes. “We’re going to raise all three of them to be good kids. I know we’re going to love them all death, Neal, and I’m excited. I’m lucky to have such an amazing husband to raise children with,” he whispered as he kissed his husband gently. Their kiss was lengthy, but sweet and conveyed all of their excitement and love.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal, Peter, Nicky, and Trent paint the room for the twins; Neal goes into a panic after Peter gets off of the phone with Mozzie.

“Peter, where’s the paint?”

Peter came into the room with two cans of paint and Neal grinned at him. “Here ya go, baby,” Peter said quietly as he set them on the floor. “Excited?”

“Uh, hell yeah. We already have everything in one of the extra rooms, so all we’ve got to do is paint, wait for it to dry, and then move everything into here and set it all up.” Peter pulled Neal close for a hug, kissing the younger man’s neck. “Boys,” he called out over Peter’s shoulder. Nicky and Trent came running in clothes they wouldn’t mind getting paint on. “All set?”

The four of them were excited and immediately set to work once Peter finished prepping the paint, subsequently filling a few trays Neal brought into the room with the paint, and Neal handed out paintbrushes.

Nicky’s brand new phone that he’d gotten for his birthday was playing Disney music since he didn’t want his parents to hear the kind of music he’d been getting into because of the other kids at school. He had the feeling that Neal may not approve, so he played Disney to please his father. Trent and Nicky were painting the lower portions of the wall while Peter and Neal painted the upper portions. “How artsy are you planning on getting, my love?” Peter asked his husband.

Neal chuckled. “The boys are painting the green grass and we’re doing the blue sky. The yellow for the sun and dandelions is downstairs just waiting to be used and I’m debating on whether or not I’d like to draw a few trees and birds.”

Peter stopped what he was doing and admired the younger man as he worked until Neal glanced over at him. “You’re so cute,” Peter whispered. He lifted his hand and stroked Neal’s cheek, initially trying to be sweet, but then he realized he’d gotten paint on Neal’s cheekbone. He tried not to look like Neal would kill him, but he failed and Neal asked him what was wrong. “You’re looking a little blue today,” Peter muttered, his cheeks heating up. He hadn’t meant to get paint on Neal’s cheek and hoped Neal wouldn’t be upset with him for wasting a little.

The younger man just laughed and shook his head before going back to work. Peter stared at him incredulously, unable to understand how Neal wasn’t upset. Paint, if not on a canvas or palette, was a waste elsewhere and Neal hated wasting paint. Neal glanced sideways at the older man and rolled his eyes. “A little paint won’t kill me, Peter Michael,” he murmured.

“I was waiting for your artist’s wrath.”

Neal rolled his eyes again. “You’ll get to see my wrath when you’re washing any paint you get on me _off_ in the shower later,” Neal whispered seductively, immediately turning Peter on. Neal glanced at his husband and added, “That doesn’t mean you _should_ get paint all over me.”

Peter moaned quietly. “Just a little bit.” Neal smiled at him.

The four of them spent two hours painting all four walls in basic blue and green the way Neal outlined it for them. He was thrilled when they all sat in the middle of the room with the windows open to air out the room and dry the paint.

Peter’s arms were around Neal and Neal’s body was between Peter’s legs, his back against Peter’s chest. “It looks great, guys,” Neal said, glancing at the teenagers. “You both did a better job at keeping each other clean,” he added, pointedly looking up at Peter. Neal’s shirt, arms, thighs, cheek, ass, and throat had paint spattered across them when Peter got overly playful. Peter’s nose, jaw, arms, and the back of his shirt were covered in blue paint. Neal hadn’t been as touchy-feely as his husband was and their pants were the proof of that. Peter’s were just fine. Neal’s definitely showed that Peter had one thing on their mind when they were goofing around. “I’m just grateful poppa didn’t get any in my hair.”

“Oh, God. I’ve learned not to get anything in your hair, honey.”

Neal’s eyes widened and he elbowed Peter’s chest, fiercely whispering, “The kids are _right_ there!” Peter laughed when Neal’s cheeks heated up. He just kissed Neal’s temple and let his husband pout. Nicky and Trent were a little lost, but they giggled nonetheless and that only added to Neal’s embarrassment. “Somebody’s not getting any ass tonight,” he muttered as he turned in Peter’s arms.

“My name is all over your ass,” Peter whispered as the kids left the room to change and play for a little bit. “I love kissing, licking, touching—”

“Could you be any more obscene in front of the boys?” Neal asked, raising an eyebrow.

Peter shrugged. “They aren’t in the room at the moment.”

Neal sighed. “ _At the moment._ Peter, you might as well have said, ‘oh, I know you told me not to jizz all over your hair.’ That might’ve been a little more innocent than your tactless comment.”

The older man moved sideways until he was able to lay on his side, twisting Neal to lay him down in front of him. He shifted them again and hovered over his husband, kissing his jaw. “I don’t think they understood what we were talking about.”

“Oh, sure, because teenage boys have no idea what sperm is?” Peter rolled his eyes, gently gripping Neal’s wrists to lift them over Neal’s head. Neal looked intrigued. “Are we playing on the floor?”

Peter moaned quietly near Neal’s ear. “Only if you want to.”

Neal moved Peter a bit and sat up. “Can we play in the bedroom? For one, I don’t feel comfortable making love in the babies’ room. Second, I’d prefer a locked door so the kids can’t walk in on you doing whatever you’re planning on doing to me.”

Peter just chuckled as he kissed Neal’s lips a few times. “But I like you right where you are.”

“Please?” Neal whined. Peter sighed and shook his head, kissing Neal one more time before getting to his feet. He extended his hand towards Neal and helped the younger man up. “Quite the gentleman,” he said sarcastically.

“Oh, hush.”

As soon as they fell into bed together, Peter’s hands were roaming all over Neal’s body. He was sliding Neal’s pants down, rubbing Neal’s ass as he did so. Just as Peter was pulling Neal’s pants off, Neal’s phone started vibrating. “Let it go,” Neal murmured. Peter conceded and tossed Neal’s pants onto the floor, rubbing Neal’s bare thighs as he kissed Neal’s clothed chest. His phone vibrated a few more times before it was quiet and Neal was relieved. Just when they thought they were out of the woods, Peter’s phone began to ring annoyingly. Peter groaned and kissed Neal’s chest once more before shifting to grab his phone out of his jeans pocket. “Peter, put it away,” Neal whined.

“It’s Mozzie.” Peter’s brows furrowed as he answered. “Hey, Moz. What’s up?” Neal stared up at Peter, wanting Peter off the phone right now. He was stroking Peter’s abdomen slowly, grinning. “ _What?_ When?” Peter’s other hand grabbed Neal’s and forced him to stop. That concerned Neal and his attention went right to the sound of Peter’s voice. Peter breathed shakily, worrying Neal, as he whispered, “Thanks, Mozzie.” He hung up and tossed the phone across the bed, abruptly backing away from Neal.

Neal sat up and scooted closer to Peter. “What’s wrong?” Peter was silent, throwing his legs over the side of the bed as he arched forward to hold his head in his hands. “Peter, what is it?” Neal asked urgently, getting onto his knees behind Peter, resting his hands on Peter’s shoulders.

“They’re out,” Peter whispered brokenly. “I don’t know how, but they are.”

Neal’s grip on Peter’s shoulders tightened. “Who?”

Peter got up from the bed and walked a few feet away, one hand on his hip while the other gripped his hair furiously. Neal was still on his knees on the bed, watching his husband. “Both of them, Neal. They’re both out.”

“You’re doing that thing where you’re vague and scaring me,” Neal whispered as he slid off of the bed to walk over to Peter. “Tell me what—”

“Vincent and Craig,” Peter growled. Neal’s heart stopped and his lips parted, his eyes widening simultaneously. “Craig escaped last night and Vincent was broken out this morning.” Neal felt like he couldn’t breathe as he stumbled back a bit. He felt really light-headed and his vision blurred a bit. Peter turned to face him and gasped, lurching forward to pull Neal close. “Neal, it’s okay,” he whispered. Neal started hyperventilating, gripping Peter’s shirt tightly. Peter cradled his head with one hand while keeping the other on his back—both in an attempt to help Neal. “Neal, say something,” he begged when Neal’s breathing became even more erratic.

Neal’s legs gave out and Peter quickly compensated, holding him upright. His mind immediately threw him back at the memories of both rapes and he whimpered painfully. He knew Peter was talking to him, but he wasn’t hearing Peter. It was all muffled by his echoing mental screams. His cries and screams during what Craig did to him were far worse and so much more intense than they had been while he was with Vincent. He didn’t truly fear Vincent anymore after Craig, but _both_ of them together scared the living hell out of him.

He tried to rip himself out of Peter’s grip, but Peter wasn’t letting go. Neal panicked and forgot that he was with Peter for an instant. He screamed and pleaded to be let go as he fought to get away. “Let me go!” he yelled, finally regaining his footing. Adrenaline kicked in and he finally broke away from the vice-like grip, stumbling forward to fall to his hands and knees. He didn’t stop, he tried to get away and Peter was lost. He didn’t want to scare Neal, but he didn’t want to abandon him either.

There was pounding on the bedroom door and Neal screamed again, covering his ears. He fell onto his side and his body was trembling. “Nicky, stop!” Peter begged as he darted over to the door. He knew Nicky was on the other side. “Nicky, go back downstairs with Trent.”

“What are you doing to him?” Nicky cried.

“I’m not doing anything! Just, _please,_ go downstairs. Go to the game room. _Please._ ”

Neal gasped while he struggled to move again and part of him was relieved as he got into the bathroom. He grabbed the sink countertop and pulled himself up, shaking as he staggered forward. This felt like being drunk, but with an unbearable amount of pain on top of it.

Peter moved to stand in the bathroom doorway, watching his husband struggle to get into the corner of the bathroom where he dropped down to the floor and curled against the wall. “Stay away,” he whispered repeatedly, sounding hysterical. He kept holding his stomach and Peter was really concerned.

“Baby,” Peter tried gently. He cautiously stepped into the bathroom, leaving the door open. “Neal, it’s Peter. Honey, you’re okay.” Neal shook his head, gasping for breath. “Neal, it’s Peter,” he repeated as he got closer.

“You took me from Peter!” he screeched. When he looked at Peter, he saw Craig smiling viciously at him. It was nothing Peter was doing. Neal was delusional at the moment. “You sick bastard! Just leave me alone! I gave you what you wanted!”

Peter’s heart broke on his face. “Neal, you’re safe. They aren’t here to hurt you.”

Neal was sobbing, shutting his eyes tightly. “Don’t lie to me,” he whispered. “Peter’s not here. Peter’s gone. I’m all alone and you’re going to kill me.” Peter moved too quickly and Neal flinched, lifting his hands away from his stomach to cover his face as he screamed again. “Please, no! Please!”

The older man dropped to his knees in front of Neal. He couldn’t let this continue. He needed to find some way to pull his husband out of this. “Neal, baby, you’re home. You’re okay—I promise. Honey, are you able to hear me?”

As Peter drew closer, Neal slowly opened his eyes and Craig’s face was slowly becoming Peter’s once again. He saw how concerned Peter was, but the image of Craig’s cruelty still lingered. His insides felt like they were burning. He trembled as Peter pulled him carefully, holding him against his chest. “Peter,” Neal whimpered, clutching his husband’s shirt.

Something dawned on Peter just then. He took Neal’s hand and slid it beneath his shirt, making Neal touch the scar on his chest. The last time Neal was in this much distress, touching Peter’s scar brought him back to reality and he was able to believe that he wasn’t dreaming Peter up. He rubbed Neal’s fingers over the scar until Neal started doing it on his own. “Honey?” Peter whispered.

Neal breathed shakily, staring up at Peter while blinking quickly. “Peter,” he whispered this time. “Peter.” He stroked the scar repeatedly, proving to himself that this was his husband rather than one of those monsters. He swallowed hard, raking his fingernails gently over Peter’s skin. “Peter,” he breathed, looking and sounding relieved.

“You’re all right, baby. You’re home with me and I promise you’re safe.” The younger man nodded, closing his eyes. Peter warily shifted Neal until he could lift his husband in his arms. Neal held onto him as he took Neal back into the bedroom. “I want you to stay in bed and relax,” Peter pleaded. “Don’t leave. I will be right back.”

“Where are you going?” Neal asked, his eyes flying open as he went into a panic as soon as he sat on the bed.

Peter kissed his forehead. “Downstairs for two seconds. I promise I’ll be right back, baby.”

“Okay,” Neal whispered, letting go of Peter. “Come back quickly,” he said quietly, his lips trembling.

Peter nodded and left the room, heading downstairs. He was trying to think of some way to explain this to their son without divulging information Neal may not want Nicky to know at the moment. But in an instant, Nicky was fighting him as soon as he stepped off of the stairs. “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Nicky!” he whispered, trying to get his son under control. He grabbed Nicky’s wrists and held them firmly, waiting until Nicky gave up. “Nicky, everything’s okay.”

Nicky was crying as he tried to hit Peter’s chest. “You hurt my dad! Let go of me! I need him!”

“I didn’t hurt him,” Peter said tightly. “If you calm down, I’ll explain.” Nicky kept struggling until Peter finally got frustrated and backed Nicky towards the couch and shoved him down onto it. “Listen to me, damn it,” he snapped. “I didn’t hurt dad.” Nicky’s eyes were wide as Peter straightened up and exhaled shakily while his heart pounded in his chest. Trent was standing in the dining room, hiding behind Peter’s chair as he watched Peter and Nicky. “Nicky, something really bad happened and dad… Dad panicked. He’s okay now. He needs to relax, all right?” The teenager was breathing heavily as he stared at his poppa silently. That was the first time Peter was ever _really_ violent with Nicky and it scared him. Peter hadn’t done anything to intentionally hurt Nicky, but he’d shoved Nicky down nonetheless and Nicky immediately wondered if this was how his father felt when he’d been alone with Vincent and Craig.

Nicky swallowed hard and Peter moved to sit beside him on the couch. “No!” Peter startled and moved backwards. “You pushed me! How can I believe that you didn’t hurt him? He’s too quiet to be okay!”

Peter gaped at his son. “Nicolas, I swear dad’s okay. I’m sorry for pushing you, but you… You wouldn’t stop hitting me. I needed you to listen and—”

Nicky’s eyes flew to the stairway as Neal came down—with his pants on now so he could attempt to be around his family. Peter spun to face him and he saw anger flash across his husband’s face. “You pushed him? You pushed him onto the couch?” he growled. Peter didn’t know what to do here. He didn’t want to lose these two because he’d tried to settle the house down, but he was being cornered by both of them. “Get the hell away from my baby!” Neal snarled, darting towards the couch. Nicky sat up just as Neal pulled him close, holding him as though he were protecting him.

“Neal, I swear to you I didn’t intend to—”

“Dad,” Trent whimpered as he stared at Neal. “Nicky was hitting Peter when he came downstairs. Peter didn’t do anything wrong,” he whispered. Neal’s entire face was pale as he stared at his son’s best friend. “Peter asked him to stop and Nicky wouldn’t stop. He got away from Nicky as soon as Nicky was on the couch.”

Neal looked up at Peter and then down at Nicky. “Trent’s right, daddy,” Nicky whispered. He pulled away from Neal’s tight grip and stared at Peter. “Poppa, I’m sorry.”

Peter kept his eyes on Neal. Neal’s reaction was the only one that mattered in this situation. Neal’s eyes met Peter’s and he quickly got to his feet, moving quickly to throw himself at Peter’s chest, wrapping his arms around the older man as he breathed heavily. “I told you I’d never hurt him,” Peter said as he kissed Neal’s hair.

“I’m sorry that I thought you’d…you’d….”

“No. Don’t apologize,” Peter demanded. “You have every right to react this way. I don’t blame you and I won’t criticize you for it. It’s human—you’re human, honey.” He rubbed Neal’s back, listening to the younger man’s labored breathing. Everything was quiet for the moment as Peter tried to help Neal calm down without speaking. He cradled the back of Neal’s head while continuing to rub Neal’s back. Neal’s hands were clasped together behind Peter and his head was beneath Peter’s chin.

Peter glanced at Nicky apologetically. He hadn’t meant to upset Nicky, which in turn infuriated Neal. “Daddy, are you okay?” Nicky’s question was tentative as he slid towards the edge of the couch. He wanted to go to his father, but he had no idea what was going on right now.

Neal inhaled shakily, whispering, “I don’t want to talk about it right now.”

Nicky frowned, but nodded. Nicky took Trent down to the game room and Peter helped Neal back upstairs to their bedroom. Neal wasn’t responding normally at all. If anything, he seemed almost robotic. “Neal?” he said quietly as Neal sat down on their bed. Neal’s eyes slowly moved to meet Peter’s. “Honey, everything’s okay. You—”

“I accused you of wanting to rape him,” Neal whispered. He closed his eyes and bowed his head, shuddering. “What kind of husband am I if I could immediately jump to that conclusion after almost three years of marriage and five years together?”

Peter shook his head, sitting beside Neal. “Baby, I understand. I’m not angry or upset because you were thinking that way.” He leaned forward, resting his forehead against Neal’s temple. “My sweetheart, you seem to forget that I’ve been with you through all of this. I understand you and your thoughts. What we just went through downstairs was something I—”

Neal’s eyes opened and Peter was shocked to see that he was crying. “You expect me to accuse you of preying on our son?” His voice was so quiet and steady that it scared Peter. “What are you getting out of this marriage, Peter? Be realistic and honest.”

“I love you, Neal. Don’t start telling yourself I pity you. I have never pitied you. I feel bad for being unable to help at times, but I don’t pity you and I’m not with you because I pity you. I’m with you because I want to be yours,” he whispered. “I wanted you the moment I met you. I’m forming an attachment, a bond, with you. Our marriage and our relationship in general is _not_ based around our sex life, Neal George.”

“What is it based around then?”

Peter frowned, taking Neal’s hand in his. “We were friends first,” he whispered. “I was married to someone very wrong for me and you were a single parent with ghosts and shadows looming overhead.” He kissed Neal’s jaw, closing his own eyes. “You were my partner on cases before you became _my_ partner. I got to know bits and pieces of you that you felt comfortable sharing with me. The moment I came to you, telling you Elizabeth and I were mutually splitting up, you welcomed me into your home without hesitation.” Neal turned his head a bit, bumping his nose against Peter’s. “I held you in my arms every night and you eventually began to trust me. I think you knew I was serious about you—and I still am very serious about this. Honey, you trusted me enough to tell me about Vincent. You were afraid of the way I’d react to you and I showed you that I’m in love with you. I stayed with you because I loved you and I’m still with you because I still love you. Nothing he did and nothing anyone else has done to you will ever change the way I feel about you.”

Neal breathed erratically. “Peter, how can you love me?” he whispered. “My body is disgusting and defiled. I have scars—”

“—that show how strong you are, my love,” Peter interjected. “I’ve never believed you were weak. You survived the pain they put you through to give you those scars, Neal.” Peter backed up enough to look at his husband. He stroked Neal’s jaw with his thumb, stroking the scar that’d been left there by Keller as well as a few he knew by heart: the two on Neal’s right thigh, one a little below Neal’s left shoulder, one below Neal’s ribs, and the two little ones he remembered seeing down near Neal’s lower back. He ghosted his fingers over the long scar on Neal’s back that he’d gotten when Martins beat him with a crowbar and whatever else he’d used before Peter came back for him. The last place he touched was Neal’s throat and he gently planted kisses across his skin. “I love you,” he whispered as he continued to kiss Neal’s throat. “You survived all of this, Neal, and you’re here with me and Nicky—and soon the twins.”

Tears streaked down Neal’s cheeks as he let Peter touch him. He hated his scars and he hated that Peter knew how to make him feel better about them. “Peter…” he whispered.

Peter sat back to stare at his husband lovingly. “You are not disgusting and you haven’t been defiled. I’ve never once looked at you and thought you were either of those things.” He kissed Neal’s cheek before rubbing his tears away. “Don’t cry, beautiful,” he whispered. “Your body isn’t a selling point for me. I would have been fine with just holding you if you never trusted me enough to let me make love to you. Believe it or not, your personality, brain, and heart matter more to me than your physical appearance. You’re gorgeous, but I’m not with you because of that. You’re a sweet, smart man. The only thing I _know_ I needed was a brunette with beautiful blue eyes. _That_ was a selling point because I love looking into your eyes, honey.” He stroked Neal’s abdomen slowly, giving him a teasing smile in the hopes that Neal might find some amusement in what he’d said. “I love seeing _you_ in your eyes, Neal. Hell, even if you had brown or hazel eyes, I’m certain I’d have fallen in love with you, baby. There’s nothing about you that I don’t like.” Neal leaned closer to him and Peter chuckled for a moment. “Actually, there is _one_ thing. I absolutely loathe your low self-esteem, hon. I wish you’d give yourself more credit and I wish you’d learn to love yourself the way I love you. I wish you could see yourself the way I see you.”

Neal started sobbing and Peter held him close. “I can’t see any of these things,” he whispered miserably. “I see so much failure and weakness.” He rubbed his eyes and gasped quietly. “You can’t possibly love any of those things about me. You can’t love my scars or my body or—”

“But I do, sweetheart,” Peter whispered fiercely. “I love you for who you are. I love all that you are. If I didn’t, do you think I would be here, holding and kissing and talking to you?” Before Neal could respond, Peter continued. “Do you think I would spend my days and nights with you if I didn’t love you as you are? Would I have spent as much money as I did on an engagement ring and a wedding ring if I didn’t want to commit to this and spend the rest of my life with you? Would I have tried my damnedest to make you happy and help you through all of this?”

“I get it,” Neal whispered.

Peter nudged Neal a bit until Neal sat up and looked at him. Peter simply stared at his husband for a moment. “Do you really?” Neal nodded slowly. “Tell me. Summarize what I just said so I know you understand.”

Neal’s eyes hardened for a moment. “I’m not a child, Peter.” Peter raised one eyebrow and Neal sighed. His heart started pounding and he became even more anxious than he was before. Peter wanted him to comprehend and _believe_ everything he’d just told Neal. Neal didn’t know what to say to please his husband, but he’d try because he didn’t want to lose Peter. “You love me for me and you wish I’d stop degrading myself because you want me to love myself. You think my body is fine the way it is, but you don’t value my body more than anything. You value my brain, heart, and personality.” Neal breathed shakily as he lifted his hand and ran his fingers through his hair. “You don’t think I’m repulsive, so you want me to believe you. You want me to believe that you are with me because you love me and you want to be with me, not because you pity me.”

The older man cracked a small smile and Neal relaxed. “Do you believe any of that?”

“Yes,” Neal whispered after a few moments. He still thought he wasn’t deserving of Peter’s love, but he could see the honesty in his husband’s face. “I don’t know why I’m always so down on myself and I’m sorry. I should listen to you more. If I do that, everyone will be happy and—”

Peter interrupted him. “ _No._ Don’t you dare agree with anything I say because you want _me_ to be happy. Neal, make yourself happy before anyone else, damn it.” Neal flinched at the harsh tone in Peter’s voice. “I don’t want you to demoralize yourself to the point where you only nod and agree when you think it’s what I want to hear. _Don’t_ start doing that.”

Neal frowned. “Do you ever look at me and tell yourself that you’ve invested too much of your time in trying to fix me?”

He knew he’d said the wrong thing when Peter’s entire expression changed. “I am _not_ trying to _fix_ you, Neal George. You are my husband and I love you more than life itself. There’s nothing to fix because you _aren’t_ broken. I’ve told you so many times that you’re hurting. Hurting and broken aren’t the same thing. Broken would mean your entire being shattered and not a single shred of yourself is left. Hurt is something we can mend. _We,_ Neal. I’m here to _heal_ you.” He touched Neal’s throat, stroking the scars there again. “I feel responsible for all of this, Neal. If I fought harder, I could have saved you before he did this to you.” Neal shook his head and closed his eyes, gritting his teeth. “I see nothing wrong with you. There’s nothing about you that needs to change. I’m just trying to restore the pieces of you that they tortured. I’m trying to help you build the life _you_ want to live and be the man _you_ want to be. You’re the only one in control of your life. I’m just here to support you in every single way I can. I’m going to help you through this and I hope there’s a day when you’ll finally believe that I’m not looking at you and salivating like a dog because I want to get inside of you.”

“Peter, I love you,” Neal said fiercely as he exhaled and opened his eyes. “I love you so damn much and I know you feel that way about me, too. I’m so stupid sometimes.” He saw the warning in Peter’s eyes, but kept going. “I’ve been with you for nearly half a decade, Peter. By this point, I should believe everything you tell me because I should know you’re telling me the truth and nothing but the truth.”

The older man caressed his husband’s cheeks, smiling weakly. “You know how you always say you belong to me?” he whispered. Neal nodded, watching his husband’s eyes. Peter leaned towards Neal and kissed him passionately. When he pulled away, he added, “Well, I belong to you, Neal. I always will.”

•◊•

Nicky glanced up at Peter as Peter walked through the living room after coming downstairs. He and Trent were curled up on the couch watching a movie together in the darkness while Neal and Peter did a few more things in the babies’ room. “Poppa,” Nicky whispered, making Peter stop just before he went into the dining room. Nicky hopped up off of the couch after sliding the popcorn bowl into Trent’s lap. He took Peter’s hand and led him into the kitchen. “How’s dad?”

Peter smiled a little at his son. “Dad’s doing better. He’s still painting. I came down to get a drink for him, but… You could try talking to him again if you want.”

“Do you think he’ll talk to me?”

There was a moment of hesitation. “I’m not sure if he’ll tell you everything. It doesn’t hurt to ask though,” Peter said quietly. “Dad’s… I just got him into a good mindset, Nick. He’s a little happier now.”

Nicky nodded. “Can I take his drink up to him then?” Peter nodded and filled a glass of water for Nicky to take upstairs to Neal. As soon as Nicky stepped into the room, the smell of paint overwhelmed him and he was really impressed by what Neal had done in the span of a couple hours. “Daddy,” he whispered.

Neal turned and smiled weakly at him. “Hey, baby boy.” The teenager walked closer to his father and handed him the glass of water. Neal rolled his eyes, but took the glass. “I told poppa I was fine. Stubborn jerk,” he muttered as he lifted the glass to take a drink. Nicky giggled and watched his father. When Neal was finished drinking, he just stared down at his son silently. “I bet you want to ask about earlier, don’t you?” Nicky bit his lip and Neal laughed lightly. “I’m okay, Nick, and poppa did nothing to hurt me. He tried so hard to help me.”

“Why were you screaming? It scared me.”

“C’mere,” Neal whispered, motioning for his son to follow him towards one of the dry walls. Neal sat down and waited until Nicky sat beside him. He glanced down at his son. “I have a lot of emotional problems, Nick. You know parts of the story, but not…everything.”

Nicky’s brows furrowed. “Why can’t you tell me everything? Do you not trust me?”

Neal closed his eyes and breathed heavily for a moment. “It’s not that,” he whispered. When he opened his eyes, Nicky could see the pain in them. “I’m trying to protect you from me. Vincent really hurt me and he was the first one to hurt me, but… There was a second guy and his name is Craig. The things he did to me were so much worse.” He shuddered and Nicky leaned against Neal’s arm. “Uncle Mozzie called poppa and told him that…that Vincent and Craig aren’t in prison anymore. They both escaped.”

“Daddy, we need to leave,” Nicky said hurriedly. “They might try to take you away again and I don’t want them to hurt you. I don’t want them to kill you.”

Neal couldn’t remember ever seeing his son so frightened and frantic before now. He set his glass of water down on the floor and wrapped his arms around his son. “Nicky, it’s okay. Poppa’s going to keep us safe.”

Nicky shook his head and gripped his father’s arms. “Daddy, I don’t want to lose you.”

“You won’t,” Neal whispered. Nicky climbed onto Neal’s lap and Neal just held him tightly. “Nicky, I’m going to be okay. Poppa and I talked for a while earlier and he helped me through my anxiety. I’m sorry that I scared you, baby, but this…is something I’m going to live with for the rest of my life.” He kissed Nicky’s hair and closed his eyes. “Things will trigger my memories and nightmares. I’m likely to fall apart when I hear certain things, but you know what?” Nicky looked up at him with tears in his eyes. “I have poppa to get me through the problem, but there’s something else I have.” He playfully poked Nicky’s stomach and proceeded to tickle him until he writhed around and giggled. “I have my baby boy to brighten my day just by walking into the room. You, poppa, and the twins are the reason I’m happy.”

The teenager rubbed his father’s chest, nodding. “Are you going to try to kill yourself again?” Neal’s eyes widened and his lips parted as he stared in shock at his son. “I know you tried to drown yourself, dad.”

“How—?”

“I…overheard a conversation I think poppa was having with Auntie El. It’s when poppa was with you and I was with her. She was crying and asking how close you were to ending your life before someone pulled you out of the water.” Neal’s heart ached. He never knew that Nicky was aware of his suicide attempt. He’d tried to keep it from his son. “You aren’t going to try that again, are you?”

Neal was stunned into silence for a few moments. When he cleared his throat and shook his head, he firmly said, “No. I don’t want to kill myself, Nick.” He rocked a little, holding his son tightly. “I have reasons to live, baby, and you’re one of them. Don’t worry about this kind of thing. I love you so much, Nicky. I told you I’m not leaving you.”

Nicky let his father get up to work on painting the walls again and he just watched the older man work. He remembered all of the things Neal drew for him as he was growing up and they were just as beautiful as his painting on the wall. “Daddy, I just want to tell you I love you,” Nicky whispered, pulling his knees up to his chest.

Neal smiled at his son. “You know I love you, too, kiddo.” He glanced at the wall, the paint, and then back at his son. “I don’t know if you remember this or not, but you got into some paint when you were little and your handprints were all over the walls until I painted over them,” Neal said quietly. “Feel like putting your handprint on the wall?”

“Like a family thing?”

“Like a family thing,” Neal said, chuckling. “I’ll put my handprint up and I’ll force poppa to. When the babies are a little older, we can put their handprints up as well.”

Nicky giggled as he jumped up. He held his right hand out and Neal grinned as he swiped the paintbrush over his son’s hand and then his own left hand. Nicky put his print up on the wall a little bit away from the tree Neal painted. Neal twisted his hand a bit and linked his thumb with Nicky’s. “That looks awesome,” Nicky said, awed. Nicky turned and realized Peter was standing in the doorway silently, watching Neal. “Poppa! Come here.”

Neal turned and smiled warmly at his husband as Peter stepped into the room. “Put your hand up on the wall with us?” Neal asked.

“Of course, my love,” Peter replied, kissing Neal’s shoulder. He held his left hand out and Neal swiped the brush over it. Peter pressed his hand against the wall, linking his and Nicky’s pinkies. Nicky giggled before taking off, leaving his fathers alone in the babies’ room. “Doing okay, Neal?”

Neal nodded. “Yeah. Feeling a lot better. I talked to Nicky.” Peter was glad to hear that, at least until Neal said: “He knows I tried to kill myself a couple years ago.”

Peter stared at his husband, his eyes widened. “What did he say?”

“He asked if I was going to try again.” Peter gave him a concerned look and Neal shook his head. “I’m not going to try again, Peter. My family is too important to me,” he whispered.

Peter kissed his forehead, snaking his arm around Neal’s waist. “You’re important to us, baby.”

Peter complimented Neal’s artwork on the wall, which thrilled the younger man. Peter told him it was incredible and then he’d kissed Neal passionately. Before they shut down for the night to relax, the two men played with the paint a little more. Neal pressed his left hand onto the wall in a different spot and Peter pressed his right onto the wall, linking their thumbs together. Neal pulled his marker out that he’d used earlier to separate the colors of the wall and elegantly wrote: _Neal & Peter—March 2014._

Even though paint was on their hands, Peter held Neal’s hips and Neal’s arms wound around Peter’s neck as they lazily kissed each other in the open room. Neal was so thankful for his husband. Earlier had been chaotic and hurt Peter a lot, but Peter pulled him through. Without Peter, Neal wasn’t sure if he’d be able to come out of that terror. After they parted, Peter held Neal against him and they rocked each other slowly. “I love you,” Neal whispered.

“I will always love you, Neal George,” Peter said as he kissed just below Neal’s ear—that sensitive spot he loved. Neal hugged his husband tighter, believing him. In that moment, there wasn’t even the slightest doubt in his mind that Peter loved him and he hoped he could keep believing that.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal gets a phone call.

Saturday morning, two weeks following Nicky’s fourteenth birthday, Neal woke up to his phone ringing and vibrating on the nightstand. He barely opened his eyes to check the time and it was a little after four. He leaned forward as best he could with Peter’s arm curling around him and grabbed his phone. “Karen,” he said as he answered, rubbing his eyes. “Everything okay?”

“ _Neal, I think I’m going into labor._ ”

She sounded panicked and he sat upright quickly, rolling off of the bed. “Did your water break?” Peter sat up a little, rubbing his eyes as Neal turned the nightstand lamp on so he could find his clothes. She was telling him what was going on and he was trying to get her to relax. “Karen, it’s okay. Breathe and I’ll be over as soon as I can, all right?”

He got off of the phone a few moments later and started pulling clothes on quickly. “Is she okay?” Peter asked, concerned.

“She’s in pain and having strong contractions and it sounds like her water did break. She’s too afraid to wake her parents up to ask for a ride, so I’m going over to help her.” He turned towards the bed after pulling his shirt on and frowned. “I’m sorry for waking you up and for having to leave. I—”

“Do you want me to go with you?”

Neal bit his lip. “I don’t know. You know I’d love it if you came with me, but I don’t want Nicky to be home alone.”

Peter threw the blanket back and nodded. Neal, if he weren’t in a rush to get ready to leave, would have watched his husband walk around the room naked. He was trying to figure things out with Peter quickly so they had a plan in place. “Taurus is first in the driveway,” he said as he threw Neal the keys from atop his dresser. “Take it and go. I’ll call Mozzie or Mike to see if one of them can come over. Once someone’s here, I’ll go to the hospital.”

Neal nodded and crossed the room quickly, getting a quick kiss from his husband. “See you soon then. Love you.”

“Love you, baby.”

He was downstairs and out the door in less than a minute. He took the Taurus and drove quickly to get to Karen’s house, making sure he took the quickest route. He’d planned this part out _just in case,_ but he hadn’t really expected Karen calling to ask him to take her to the hospital.

When he finally arrived at the house, he was grateful to have an extra key. He quietly went inside and found Karen sitting on the living room floor. She was crying and he made his way over to her quickly. “Hey,” he whispered, crouching beside her. She gripped his hand tightly and he helped her up. She was still crying as he helped her into the Taurus. As soon as he was in the driver’s seat, he shifted the car into drive and started speeding a bit. He had the bag of Karen’s things in the car already since they’d prepared ahead of time. There were a few changes of clothing and some other things she wanted as well as Neal’s insurance card and FBI identification—because he knew he would be speeding—and Karen’s own identification. He had the paperwork she needed and he told her not to worry about it because he’d be there with her to help out.

“I’m sorry,” she said sadly. “I didn’t want to wake you up, but it was really hurting. I waited as long as I could.”

He hushed her, reaching over to cradle the back of her head, stroking her hair slowly. “Don’t worry about it. I’m glad you called.”

She frowned, holding her stomach. “Where’s Peter?”

“At home. He got up when I did and he’s trying to get someone to babysit Nick for a little while,” he said quietly. “I’m not sure if Peter can stay the whole time, but he’ll try. I’ll be with you through all of it.”

“He still doesn’t want to be with us when I’m giving birth?”

He chuckled quietly. “My husband is still as paranoid as he was when I first discussed it with him.” She laughed a little and then groaned. He glanced over briefly, trusting Peter’s car to take control when it needed to. “How bad is it?”

“When I was timing the contractions, they were still about ten minutes apart.”

Upon arriving at the hospital, he spoke to someone in the emergency room and got a wheelchair for Karen. One of the women behind the desk showed them to the elevators and told him to head up to the sixth floor where Karen would be taken care of. He got them into a private room and a few nurses helped him get Karen comfortable as well as into maternity clothing she’d be wearing for the birth.

The nurses were taking care of her as Neal was working out all of the paperwork. It took him a few minutes, but he’d gotten everything set. As soon as he went back into Karen’s room, she was relieved to see him. “Hey,” he said gently, walking over to stand beside the hospital bed she was propped up on. “How ya doing?”

“Hurting,” she whispered.

He gave her a soft smile, taking her hand. “Well, you’ve got two beautiful babies inside of you. I don’t doubt you’re hurting.” She only smiled because he did. “Do you want to get up and walk around with me for a few minutes or is there anything I can do for you right now?”

She sighed heavily and tried to get off of the bed. He helped her down and kept her balanced. “Thanks,” she said gratefully. He wrapped his arm around her and let her lead him around. “I can feel them both moving, Neal.” She grabbed his other hand and placed it on her stomach, hoping he could feel something. One look at his face told her that he did feel something. He looked so awed. The look of pure happiness and excitement on his face was enough to inspire her to keep going. She knew her babies would have amazing parents. She knew Neal would undoubtedly love them with all of his heart.

Several hours passed and Neal left the room to get himself and Karen some food from the vending machine. So far, Peter was having a rough time getting a hold of Mike and Mozzie. His phone buzzed as he was about to bend down and grab the Pepsi he bought. He groaned and shoved the bags of chips he’d already bought into his pocket before he pulled his phone out, glancing at it. Upon answering, Peter said, “ _Honey, how’s everything there?_ ”

“It’s like you knew I was bending over,” Neal answered instead. Peter laughed on the other end and Neal smiled. “She’s a little tired. Still in pain and having contractions. The doctor told me she could have them anytime today or it might not happen until several days from now.” He knelt to grab his Pepsi and stood up. “I don’t know how he came to the conclusion that she won’t be having the babies today. She’s definitely in labor and her water is broken. It’s just a matter of time now, honestly.”

Peter made a thoughtful noise on the other end. “ _I finally got Mike on the phone and he’ll be here shortly. After he gets here, I’ll head over to the hospital to see you and Karen._ ” Peter was quiet for a moment. “ _I really miss you, baby._ ”

Neal smiled shyly even though Peter wasn’t there to see it. “I miss you just as much, my love,” he whispered. He started heading over to the elevator when he heard Mike talking to Peter on the other end. After a few moments, he heard keys jingling. “I take it you’re on your way here?”

“ _Yes, hon._ ”

“Awesome. Do you want me to wait for you in the lobby or just meet you on the floor?”

“ _You head back up to Karen to keep her calm. I’ll let you know when I get there and have you stand outside the room to get me in._ ”

Neal nodded. “Sounds good, babe. Sixth floor.” He glanced at the Pepsi in his other hand and asked, “Do you want me to buy you anything while I’m at the vending machine?”

Peter made a small noise. “ _Nah. I’m okay, baby. Thank you though._ ”

“Anytime,” Neal said softly as he hit the button for the elevator. “I’ll see you soon, Peter. Love you so much.”

The other man chuckled. “ _See you soon, honey, and you know I love you just as much._ ”

They hung up and he smiled just as the elevator doors opened. He stepped in and went up to the sixth floor. After several minutes of people getting on and off on multiple floors, he finally got there. “Oh, God. Neal, I’m so glad you’re back,” Karen moaned when he came into the room. He glanced at her, his brows furrowing. “Neal, the doctor said it’s time.”

He set his drink and snacks down, immediately heading over to her. “We’re going to take her into the delivery room. Are you the father?”

Neal froze for a moment. He hadn’t discussed any of this with the doctor before. “He’s adopting the babies,” Karen said, groaning in pain. “He didn’t get me pregnant, but he’s their father.” The doctor was starting to say that Neal wouldn’t be allowed into the room with her, but she protested. “He _is_ coming into the room. I don’t give a damn. I’m having two babies for him, so he deserves to be in the room!” Neal’s brows rose to his hairline as she began to breathe heavily. “If Neal can’t go in with me, I want a different doctor who _will_ let him in.”

The doctor gave in. As soon as they were in the delivery room, Neal was standing at Karen’s bedside, holding her hand. The doctor was talking to a nurse and Neal was trying to distract Karen because she was extremely nervous. He was so excited and he’d really been looking forward to this, but she was terrified. “Hey,” he said quietly, waiting until she looked at him. When she did, he stroked her hair out of her face with his other hand. “Everything’s going to be just fine. I’ll be right here with you through it all, okay?”

She nodded. “Is Peter here?”

“No. He’s on his— _shit._ ” She gave him a confused look. “I should probably let him know that we aren’t in the room…” He pulled his phone out with the hand she wasn’t holding and unlocked his phone, quickly shooting a text to Peter. “In delivery room. Not sure if you want to wait in the room for us. It’s two-twenty-six.”

Peter replied a few moments later. “ _I’m on the floor. Do you think it’s too late for me to ask to be in the room with you?_ ”

He glanced at Karen. “Peter’s here. He’s asking if he can come in.”

Karen smiled up at him. “Definitely. If he’s comfortable, then definitely.”

Neal let Peter know and went to get him really quick. As soon as Peter met his husband outside the room, he pulled Neal close and kissed his neck. “What made you change your mind?” Neal asked softly, rubbing Peter’s back.

“I want to share this with you,” he whispered. “These are our babies. I _should_ be there with you.” Peter held onto Neal tightly, breathing him in. “What kind of father and husband am I if I miss my children’s birth?”

Neal smiled as they backed away from each other. “That means a lot to me,” he said quietly, taking his husband’s hand. He led Peter into the room and Karen greeted them both despite the pain she was in. The younger man stood directly at Karen’s bedside, taking her hand, and Peter stood behind him with his hands on Neal’s shoulders. The doctor announced that he could see the first baby’s head. Neal couldn’t contain his excitement very well even as Karen breathed heavily while pushing. She was crushing his hand, but he was all right with that. It was worth the slight pain. After all, she was going through _so_ much more pain than he was. “You’re doing great,” Neal said, encouraging her.

Joseph was the first one to be born and his sister, Gabriella, was born fifteen minutes later. In the aftermath, Karen smiled up at the two men while they held one baby each. “Congratulations,” she whispered to them.

Neal turned a bit and leaned towards her, kissing her forehead. “Thank you,” he said sincerely. “You don’t know how much this means to us.” She was beyond exhausted after giving birth to two children, so Neal and Peter asked her to get some rest and she did that without complaint. The couple stayed in the room as the doctors were making sure everything was fine. “They’re so beautiful,” Neal whispered to his husband, looking up at him.

Peter leaned forward and kissed the younger man deeply. When they parted, they smiled at each other. “They are,” Peter agreed. Peter gave their son to the doctor so they could go through with a circumcision. He stood behind his husband, arms wrapped around his waist and his chin on Neal’s shoulder. “I’m so glad I came in,” he whispered. “I would have missed the look on your face as soon as Gabriella was put into your arms.”

“Watching you hold Joey was just as precious,” Neal countered, tilting his head a bit to rub his skin against Peter’s.

“When are we able to take them home?”

“I think we can take them home tomorrow after the doctor checks them and makes sure they’re okay. If they need additional care, they’ll probably have to stay longer.” He paused for a moment. “I’m going to stay overnight for Karen—if that’s okay.”

Peter nodded, kissing Neal’s jaw. “I’ll go home with Nicky and bring him with me in the morning. He’s going to be so excited.”

When Joey was brought back into the room, he was given to Peter again while whimpering a bit in pain. Neal was grinning at his daughter, talking to her quietly, telling her that he’s her daddy and that he loves her very much. Peter was just awestruck as he watched his husband. The way he cradled her in his arms was so natural and he just looked so _happy._ It was so strange to look at his husband and see different sides to him. Two weeks ago, Neal went into hysterics when Peter told him that the two monsters who’d raped him were out of prison. He watched his husband sob in the corner of the bathroom on the floor and now he was watching him grin at their daughter while he held her.

“You’re so beautiful,” Neal whispered to her.

Peter was absolutely speechless for the moment. This man could fall to pieces in an instant upon hearing something that triggered his worst nightmares, but he could pull himself together and enjoy life afterwards. “You deserve this,” Peter said quietly, his eyes still on Neal. Neal looked up and over at Peter, question in his expression. “You deserve this happiness. You’re smiling, Neal. I haven’t seen you smile quite like this in a while.” Neal cracked another smile for his husband and it touched his eyes. “I love you, Neal, and I’m so lucky to be here with you.”

Neal crossed the room to stand in front of the older man. “You’re the only one I’d want here with me,” he whispered. He held Gabriella up a little and laughed lightly. “Look. We have these two beautiful children. They’re _ours,_ Peter—and we have a fourteen year old at home.” Peter kissed Neal and smiled warmly at him. “I wouldn’t have all of this if I didn’t have you, Peter. You made me believe I’m a good daddy and I wanted to do it all over again—with you.”

•◊•

Karen was moved back into her room overnight and Neal stayed with her, sleeping in one of the chairs. When Peter walked in with Nicky the next morning, Neal was still asleep and Karen was breastfeeding the babies. Nicky didn’t seem to care about what Karen was doing. He saw his little brother and sister and was immediately excited. His eyes flew over to his sleeping father and he smiled. Nicky crossed the room and went to wake Neal up gently while Peter stood with his hands in his jeans pockets, watching them. “Don’t wake him,” Karen whispered, watching Nicky. The fourteen year old turned to her and raised an eyebrow. “He just got to sleep. He was up all night with the babies.”

“Sounds like my husband,” Peter said, chuckling. He stepped closer to the bed and glanced at Karen. “How are they?”

She grinned. “They’re good. The doctors said they’re doing just fine and you guys should be able to take them home today.”

Peter’s lips parted. “Really?”

“Yep. I’ve been able to feed them and I’ve discussed this with Neal.” She glanced over at the sleeping man when Nicky sat down in the chair beside him. “I told him I can pump milk for you guys that you can store for a while.”

The older man’s brows furrowed. “I didn’t realize you could do that.”

She smiled at him. “Well, they’re your babies, Peter. I can’t be in their life. If I get attached to them, I’ll try to find ways of supporting them and I can’t do that. I need to give you all space to form your bonds without interfering.”

“That’s very mature of you,” he said.

Karen nodded slowly, glancing down at the babies. “They’re so cute, but there’s nothing I can do for them. If I take them from you two, they’ll be miserable. Fortunately, I can’t come after you two for the babies if I change my mind in the future. I have completely severed my rights to them both.” Peter nodded. He remembered sitting in a room with her, their lawyers, and Neal as they all discussed the implications of this. She understood that she would have no rights to them. As soon as she, Neal, and Peter signed, she’d officially given her rights to them. “Neal filled out paperwork during the night. He’s such a sweetheart. He told me he wanted me to get some sleep and said not to worry about anything.” She looked concerned when she gazed up at Peter. “I’m worried about how much this is going to cost you guys. Having babies isn’t cheap…”

Peter shook his head. “Neal and I have them on our insurance, for starters, and we’ve taken care of payments. Everything Neal filled out last night already went through a couple hours ago.” She looked confused and he laughed lightly. “We have a joint bank account—and we have had it for quite some time actually. We talked about it after we got engaged and I thought it would work nicely. The only downside to sharing the account with him is that I can’t hide gifts I’ve bought for him. He checks it as often as I do—FBI paranoia and all.”

“He can’t hide his gifts from you either,” she teased.

“Oh. He hides it. He uses his friend’s account around my birthday and Christmas. He pays said friend back, of course.” She giggled as Peter took a seat near the bedside. “He’s a little more sensitive to getting things for me though. Our first Christmas together, I bought him a bottle of very old, expensive wine. He told me he wanted something special for a special day and I made a promise to him when I gave him that bottle that I was going to be the one to marry him.”

“That’s so sweet!”

He grinned wryly. “Unless you’re Neal, it is. He was upset, but he got over it. Thank God.”

“Jerk,” a soft voice whispered across the room. Peter glanced over to see his husband rubbing his eyes as he slowly woke up. “You’re so mean when you think I’m sleeping.”

Peter laughed and got up, walking over to his husband. He immediately placed his hands on both armrests and leaned forward to kiss Neal. “Good morning, baby.”

“Good morning, jerk.” Neal chased Peter’s lips for a few more kisses before Peter straightened up and rested his hand on Neal’s head, stroking his hair. “How’re they doing?” he asked Karen, still rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

She smiled at him. “They’re just fine, Neal. They slept when you finally got to sleep. Gabriella woke up a little bit after that because she was hungry.”

Neal glanced to his left and saw his son sitting there eagerly. “Hey, stranger,” he murmured, leaning over to kiss Nicky’s forehead, making his son giggle. “I missed you, kid.”

Nicky got up and moved around to hug Neal. “I missed you, daddy.”

“Did you see your brother and sister?” He nodded and Neal focused on Karen again. “Would he be able to hold one of them?” She told him that would definitely be fine and Neal got up. “Which one do you want to hold, kiddo?”

“My little sister.” Neal smiled and leaned over Karen, carefully taking Gabriella from Karen. Neal showed Nicky how to hold her and Nicky held his arms the way Neal told him to. When Neal set Gabriella in Nicky’s arms, Nicky’s eyes widened and his lips parted. “She’s so little,” he whispered.

Neal chuckled. “You were that little once. The first time I held you, I thought the same thing about you, baby boy.”

Karen handed Joey off to Neal and he smiled at his other baby boy, walking towards Peter. “This is your poppa,” he whispered. “He’s awesome. He’ll get you into baseball and football when you’re older.”

Peter smiled at his husband. “Definitely,” he said quietly. He moved the small blanket a bit to look at his son and then he glanced at Neal. The amount of love and adoration on Neal’s face was just beautiful and Peter loved that he looked that way with _all_ of their kids. “Your daddy is pretty awesome, too,” Peter added. “He’ll teach you how to cook some _amazing_ foods that I can’t pronounce.” Peter pecked Neal’s temple before muttering, “Maybe you’ll be better at it than I am someday. That’ll make your daddy very proud.”

Neal rolled his eyes. “I’m very proud of my husband even though his pronunciations of foods need work. That’ll come in time, darling.”

“Daddy.” Neal glanced over at Nicky. “Her eyes are opening.” His father grinned as Nicky looked awed. Nicky moved closer to his fathers and Peter looked down at the baby girl he was holding. Nicky looked up at Neal and then at Peter. “What’re their names, dad?”

“That’s Gabriella—Gabby or Brie. This is Joseph—Joey.”

Peter chuckled, nodding towards Nicky. “That’s Nicolas—Nicky.” Neal gave Peter a look that screamed ‘you are such a smartass.’

Shortly after seven in the evening, Neal and Peter took Karen to her home and took the babies back home with them. Karen’s parents were worried about her and she said she was perfectly fine. Neal only left when he made her promise to text or call him if she needed anything.

The couple stood in the babies’ room after putting them both into their cribs. Nicky was downstairs on his phone talking to Trent about his baby siblings while eating dinner with his Uncle Mike. “He’s a lot more excited than I ever thought he’d be,” Neal admitted to Peter. “If he’d told me early on that he wanted siblings, I’m not sure how I would have responded. When he mentioned after you came into the picture, I knew you would be here for us if we went through with this.”

Peter wrapped his arms around Neal’s waist, kissing his neck. “There’s no place I’d rather be than here with my beautiful family,” he said softly. Neal was glad they had all of this set up a couple weeks in advance. They’d even gotten an intercom system so they could hear the babies through a monitor from their bedroom. It was really convenient, he thought. They left the babies’ room shortly thereafter and Neal led Peter to their bedroom. “Are we…?”

“If you want to,” Neal said, stopping before he pushed their bedroom door open. Peter smirked at him and Neal rolled his eyes. “You’d never turn down sex.”

“I’ve turned you down before,” Peter teased.

Again, Neal rolled his eyes. “Well, when you turn me down, I know it’s for a good and legitimate reason.”

In a matter of moments, Peter dropped Neal down onto the bed and hovered above the younger man. “I love you,” Peter said quietly.

Neal was pulling Peter’s shirt up, whispering, “And I love you.” Neal surged forward and kissed Peter’s chest, grabbing Peter’s hips. “Move up,” he murmured against Peter’s skin. Peter raised an eyebrow and did as Neal asked. Neal’s tongue slid over his abdomen and he shivered. When Neal started unbuttoning and unzipping Peter’s jeans, Neal moaned as he continued kissing and licking his husband.

“Hey,” Peter said suddenly. “I’m not thrusting into your mouth.” Neal smiled at him, appreciating that. “Do you want to suck me?”

“Kinda. Lay on your back?” Peter nodded and shifted, laying on his back with Neal above him now. Neal was quick to remove his husband’s clothing, eager for some time alone. They’d hardly seen each other for twenty-four hours and he was craving this man. Before he was allowed to do anything else, Peter wanted Neal’s clothes off as well and Neal complied without complaint. He took Peter’s cock passionately and Peter stroked Neal’s hair as Neal’s head bobbed up and down.

Peter closed his eyes for a few seconds to take in the sensations Neal’s mouth on his skin elicited. He knew Neal liked being watched and Peter wouldn’t deny that he liked watching his husband suck on him. “God,” he moaned. “Baby, I love your mouth so much.”

Neal laughed throatily, sending a tremendous amount of pleasure through the older man. Peter was trying so hard not to thrust into his husband’s mouth. Right now, he’d love to hear his husband gag a little. That thought made him physically ill. He watched Neal and believed he was as perverted as the men who’d raped his husband if he _wanted_ Neal to gag while blowing him. Neal took Peter in as far as he could comfortably and Peter never wanted to take Neal out of his comfort zone.

Neal teased the slit with his tongue for a moment before pulling back, breathing heavily. “Want me to keep going?” he asked breathlessly.

Peter raised an eyebrow. “My love, you never have to ask me what I want. You know I love being with you in any and every way.”

The younger man smiled lovingly at his husband. “Well, are you against being inside of me?” Peter laughed and Neal rolled his eyes. “I knew that was a dumb question the moment I thought about it. All right. Get the lube, babe.”

Peter didn’t hesitate to sit up and open the nightstand drawer to grab the small bottle. Neal wouldn’t let Peter go in if they didn’t use lube. They’d never had that issue, but Neal hated how it felt and Peter completely understood. He respected Neal and cared about Neal’s body more than Vincent and Craig did. They wanted Neal’s body for entertainment and Peter just wanted to worship his husband. “You choose the position,” Peter suggested. “I know you’re tired.”

“I’ll probably participate a little more tomorrow,” he murmured. He flipped over to lay on his back, resting his head on Peter’s pillow.

“I don’t care if I do all the work,” Peter said, hovering over Neal. He pressed soft kisses along the column of Neal’s neck. “I’ll do anything I can to please you, Neal. If you’re up to topping in the bottom-sense, then you know I won’t object. I won’t object to you bottoming it either.”

Neal rolled his eyes. “Either way, I’m bottoming. The one just includes a bit more bouncing on the bed than the second.” Peter smiled as he opened the bottle of lube. He slicked his index and middle finger as usual and watched Neal’s eyes.

He thought Neal looked excited, but he also swore he saw something else there. It was gone too fast for him to fully discover what he’d seen, but he trusted his husband to talk to him if there were problems of any kind. He positioned himself between Neal’s legs and tentatively slid his hand towards Neal’s ass. When Neal didn’t object, he slid his middle finger into his husband and gently probed him. Neal moaned, closing his eyes. So far, Neal was seemingly all right. Peter kissed Neal’s chest when he inserted a second finger into his husband. Neal made a small noise and Peter lifted his head. “Neal?”

“I’m okay,” Neal said quickly. “I’m okay.”

Peter was cautious as he continued pumping his hand back and forth, ghosting his fingers over Neal’s prostate. He knew when Neal was ready, but something seemed off when he pulled his fingers out of Neal and positioned his cock outside of Neal. “Honey, is something wrong?”

Neal shook his head, breathing shakily. “No, Peter. I’m all right. Make love to me,” he whispered. The older man didn’t know if he should listen to Neal or not. His gut was telling him that this wasn’t right. Neal’s brows furrowed as he glanced at Peter. “Unless you don’t want to. I, uh…” He pushed himself up a bit and bit his lip.

“It’s not that.” Neal gave him a confused look. “Neal, are you okay?”

“Yes, love. I’m fine.” He laid back and kept his eyes on Peter. “Can we…?”

Peter sighed and nodded. He lined himself up again, holding Neal’s hips as he tentatively slid into him. His gaze flickered to the younger man’s face and he saw fear as bright as day the moment he was buried to the hilt inside of Neal. Neal started hyperventilating and Peter tried to move away from him to end at least one part of the terror. He grabbed onto Peter and held him there. “Neal,” Peter whispered. “Hon, let go of me so I can get out of you.”

Neal shook his head. “Don’t leave me,” he whispered. Peter held him and chose not to move. He wanted to separate their bodies because he felt that this wasn’t helping Neal in any way, shape, or form. Neal didn’t want that separation. “Just wait. Please.”

After several minutes of near silence, Neal relaxed and laid back, keeping his hands on Peter, who was concerned. “What happened?”

“Nothing,” Neal muttered. “Just…make love to me, Peter.”

Peter shook his head. “No. I’m not forcing this on you when—”

“I’m asking you to fuck me, Peter,” he said exasperatedly.

The older man didn’t say anything. He saw the pain and fear in Neal’s eyes and he wanted to know _why_ it was there. “Neal George, I am _not_ doing anything unless you tell me what just happened. I refuse to put you in a position you’re not comfortable with.” Neal’s jaw set firmly and he pushed Peter off of him, hissing when Peter slipped out of him. He threw his legs over the side of the bed and got up, immediately heading towards the door to grab his robe. “Where are you going?”

Neal was tying his robe as he said, “I’m going to go masturbate because my husband refuses to touch me.”

Peter lurched off of the bed and gripped Neal’s shoulder, forcing him to turn to face him. “Don’t turn this around on me,” Peter whispered. “I love you and something’s bothering you. I can see it in your eyes, damn it.”

“You always assume something’s wrong with me, Peter. I am totally fucked in the head, all right? You knew that several years ago. As soon as I told you I was raped, you knew I was hopeless. There’s nothing remotely—”

The older man lost it for a moment and shoved Neal against the door. Neal’s eyes widened. “I’m really tired of this, Neal. How many times do I need to tell you that there’s nothing wrong with _you?_ How many times do I have to tell you I love you and I care about you before you finally believe me? Our talk two weeks ago did _nothing_ for you apparently. You heard what you wanted to hear and said what you think I wanted you to say.” Neal’s throat felt constricted and his entire body tensed. Peter was gripping his forearms tightly and he looked really pissed. “I’ve never tried to hurt you. I’m worried about you, Neal. When I looked at you as you laid beneath me, I saw _fear_ in your eyes. You were seeing them, weren’t you? You were feeling what they did to you.”

“Peter, I don’t want to talk about it,” Neal whispered, his voice shaking. Peter growled angrily as he roughly let go of Neal’s arms.

“Fine. I can’t make you talk to me,” he said fiercely. “Don’t you dare leave this house, Neal George. You are _not_ running away from me when I’m trying to help you.” Neal nodded silently, lowering his gaze to the floor while blinking back tears. Peter moved and Neal flinched. He knew Peter saw it, but Peter moved away from him. He went back to their bed and got underneath the blanket. He wasn’t entirely surprised when Peter turned their television on and flipped to a Yankees game. He wanted to run away, to just leave and clear his head without worrying that he’d make Peter angrier, but he knew Peter would only worry about him if he took off. Peter didn’t deserve that. Neal slid down the door and sat on the floor, pulling his knees up to his chest. He loves his husband, but he didn’t feel comfortable getting into bed with him with all of this unresolved tension between them. He estimated that at least ten minutes passed before Peter muted the game and sighed. “Are you really just going to sit on the floor for the rest of the night or are you going to come to bed with me?” he whispered.

Neal rubbed his right wrist, frowning. “I didn’t know if you wanted me in bed.”

Peter rolled onto his side to look at Neal. “I’m a little upset, but I still love you to death. I don’t want you to sit there. I’d really prefer it if you got up here and curled up with me.” Neal slowly pushed himself to his feet, knowing Peter’s eyes were following his every move. “You’re not a slave, Neal, and I’m not Matthew. I won’t ask you to sleep on the floor. You’re more than welcome to join me, but that’s your decision.” Neal nodded, slowly untying his robe. Peter made him stop as he said, “Leave it on if you feel comfortable like that.”

“You aren’t dressed…”

“And that’s my choice. I’m fine without my clothes on.” He sighed. “Neal, you have so many reasons to keep yourself hidden from me. I’m not going to sit here and beg you or order you to take your clothes off. That’s not who I am.”

Neal nodded and hesitated before he continued untying his robe. He slid it off of his shoulders and hung it up on the back of the door. Peter was still watching him as he neared the bed and his heart fluttered a bit when Peter lifted the blanket for him to slide in. Neal sat beside Peter, frowning down at his hands. “You were right,” he whispered. Peter glanced at him for a moment before he continued. “It was Craig and Vincent. Again.” Peter rested his hand on Neal’s left hand, curling his fingers around Neal’s gently. “Don’t yell at me, please,” he pleaded. “I’m really sorry that I keep seeing them. I wish I wasn’t seeing them. They’re ruining our sex life.”

“You and I make love quite often, Neal. A lapse in our sex schedule here and there won’t kill us.”

“You don’t get it,” Neal whispered. “You’re completely fine with my inability to lay down and let you screw me. It really pisses me off, Peter. I want you really badly and I can’t have you because I’m so scared. They scare me to death, Peter. I’m afraid they’re going to find me and take me from all of you. I’m afraid they’ll kill me this time.”

Peter grabbed the remote and shut the television off. Neal sighed and looked away from Peter. “You’re more important than people who don’t know I exist,” Peter said quietly, taking Neal’s hand to intertwine their fingers. “Honey, I’ve told you that I understand. I understand as much as I possibly can and I’m sorry that there are times when I really have no clue. I’ve tried to listen to you and I’ve tried to feel the way you feel, but I have no idea how you’re feeling or what you’re really thinking sometimes. You’re not a sex toy. You aren’t required to crawl into bed and immediately lie down so I can fuck you.” Peter’s jaw set firmly for a few moments and his eyes hardened when he looked away from his husband. “ _No._ There will never be a moment when I tell you I’m going to fuck you whether you like it or not. _Never._ ” He looked directly at Neal now and fiercely stated, “I will admit to you that I’m an ass at times, Neal, but I am _not_ a monster. I will never take advantage of you. It’s why I couldn’t make love to you when you told me to. I knew something was wrong and I couldn’t go further. I’m not hungry for sex like _they_ are. I don’t look at you and immediately want to shove myself into you. Jokingly, there are times when I do want you that badly, but I’d never act on it unless I knew you were absolutely fine with that. You’re my soulmate. I love you. I’m supposed to care for you, Neal.”

Neal whispered brokenly, “I’m always going to think I’m a broken toy because of what they did to me.”

“I will never tell you to cowboy up and face your fear of them. I haven’t been raped, so I can’t imagine what you’re thinking at times. The only thing I can do is tell you you’re loved and that you have family here who will never abandon you.” He scooted down the bed a bit and leaned closer to Neal, resting his head against Neal’s chest. “You’ll be afraid of them until I kill them. The moment they approach you, I’m aiming for the heart or their brain.” He paused and lifted Neal’s hand to kiss his knuckles. “If they had a heart and a brain, it would be simple. I’ll kill them, Neal. I promise you that. They both hurt you once already. I can’t let them take you from me, from our children. They need their daddy and I need my husband.” He nuzzled his face against Neal’s bare chest and sighed heavily. “You will always carry this pain, honey, but you aren’t broken because of it. I’ve told you that repeatedly. You’re not broken.”

The younger man closed his eyes, lifting his free hand to stroke Peter’s hair. “Promise me that we’ll work together to bring them down, Peter. I’m afraid to die, but I’m even more afraid of taking you with me.”

Peter kissed Neal’s skin. “We’re a team, Neal, and we work well together. We’re partners in every sense of the word, so we’re going to put all of our resources together to find these bastards. I’m not going to let them get to us.” He was mentally vowing that he wouldn’t let either of them touch Neal. After all of this time, Neal needed a get out of jail free card when it came to Vincent and Craig. Neal didn’t want to run, but Peter wouldn’t stand around and wait for them to surface and take Neal. He would find them before they had the chance to look at Neal and consider doing _one_ thing to him. No matter where he went, he’d take his gun with a full magazine ready to go. He was hellbent on protecting the man beside him because he was too afraid to even consider living without him.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal's anxious about leaving the twins home; While undercover with Peter, things go awry.

Around noon Monday morning, Neal was staring at his computer clock and his phone alternatively. The moment his phone rang, he answered. “Hey, Moz.”

“ _Holy hell. You answered fast._ ” Neal bit his lip. He didn’t like making it seem as though he needed to know every hour on the hour how the babies were doing, but he was overly worried. Mozzie offered to help him and Peter since they needed to go to work and Mozzie had plenty of free time. “ _A little obsessive, daddy?_ ” Neal groaned and palmed his forehead. “ _You seem to forget I was with you when Nicky was a baby, mon frère. You worry over the simplest of things when it comes to your children._ ”

Neal smiled a little. “ _Because_ they’re my children,” he said. “I panicked for thirteen years. As soon as Nick turned fourteen, I honestly felt relieved. I believe Adler and Craig won’t go after Gabriella, but now I’m concerned about Joey. I’m going to spend the next thirteen years of my life living stressfully until he’s fourteen.”

Mozzie sighed on the other end. “ _Your husband is doing all that he can to help you. He doesn’t like this any more than you do, mon frère. He loves the four of you and I know he’ll do anything to protect you._ ” There was a brief pause before he added, “ _Territorial Suit that he is and all, I know this for fact._ ”

“That’s my hubby,” Neal said, chuckling. “I love him and I love that he loves me and our kids. Speaking of which, how are the little ones?”

“ _They’re doing fantastic. Gabriella seems like she’ll be the stubborn type down the road—beware overly protective fathers who refuse to let their daughters act like girls in this modern day and age._ ”

Neal rolled his eyes just as Peter was coming down the stairs from his office. “My daughter is going to be well-mannered and she’ll know not to sell her body for money or other material items. I’m going to teach her to respect herself.”

Mozzie snorted and Neal raised an eyebrow. “ _Quite the hypocrisy from one who respects himself very little._ ”

“On the phone with Mozzie again?” Neal glanced up at his husband and nodded.

He turned a bit and muttered, “Moz, go fuck yourself. It’s different when it’s my kid.” Peter gave Neal a curious look and Neal mouthed that he’d explain later. Mozzie was laughing on the other end and Neal was glad Mozzie was at least amused by the comment rather than pissed off.

Mozzie sighed, laughing quietly. “ _Oh, mon frère… You are such an excellent father, but a horrible self-promoter._ ”

“Wow. I feel like I have two husbands now,” Neal said sarcastically. Mozzie guffawed and Neal rolled his eyes once more. “All right, you little pain in the ass. I have to get back to work. If anything comes up, my phone is on-hand at all times now.”

Mozzie made a sound of acknowledgment before hanging up. “Well, what was that all about?”

“He told me Brie was being stubborn and suggested that she’ll act like girls _today,_ to which I replied that I’d teach her to respect herself and you know where this is going.” Peter smiled at his husband. “Anyway,” he said as he nodded towards a file Peter had in his hand. “What’s that?”

Peter moved to stand at Neal’s side, setting the file down on the desk. “Our next case.” Neal looked intrigued as he skimmed it. “It’s only a suspicion at the moment. We have nothing concrete as evidence yet, so we’ve got our work cut out for us.”

Neal chuckled. “Like that’s ever been a problem for us before.”

The older man stroked Neal’s hair, nodding. “How are you feeling, baby?” Neal shrugged a bit. “Neal, don’t hold out on me, hon.”

“Chest hurts a little and I’m feeling anxious,” he said quietly. “I think I might talk to a doctor about getting some medications going because it’s been really out of control.”

Peter’s brows furrowed. “What kinds of medications are we talking?”

“Well, anti-anxiety, obviously. I might ask about antidepressants while I’m there.”

Neal glanced up as Peter got quiet. “I’m not against it, but do you think you really need it? I mean, this only happens to you when, you know, bad things happen.”

The younger man sighed. “I don’t know. I should probably get some antidepressants regardless. Even when I’m happy, I still have this empty feeling and I hate it.”

“You never told me that,” Peter said quietly.

“It’s not as bad as it sounds. I mean, I hate the feeling, but it isn’t severe. I love you with all of my heart and I love our children just as much. My chest just feels hollow sometimes.” Peter kept stroking Neal’s hair, keeping his eyes on his husband. “I should have gotten medications several years ago, honestly. I definitely could have used anti-anxiety medications when Nicky came into my life. I never feared for myself as much as I feared for him.”

Peter nodded. “If it helps you feel better, I’m all for it, honey. I don’t want you to live like this when you could get help, but I don’t want you to get addicted to them and rely on them. I mean…”

Neal understood. “My mom. Yeah, I know.” He palmed his forehead again and sighed. “And my little lapse of judgment, too, for that matter. I wasn’t experimental—I was stupid. I didn’t like what I was taking.”

“These things happened before I came into your life,” Peter said gently. “You know I don’t hold anything against you. I understand how stressful things were for you when you were doing drugs. I don’t condone it under normal circumstances, but you had…” Neal looked up at him critically, a mild glare on his face. “Let’s just end that at ‘I don’t hold anything against you.’”

The younger man sighed again. “The drugs weren’t as frequent or as bad as the alcohol consumption and I was drinking for several years. I only started up with the drugs about a month before I found out about Nick.”

Peter cradled the back of Neal’s head now. “The important thing is that you stopped and you’re okay,” he whispered as he leaned forward to kiss the crown of Neal’s head. “I’m proud of you, Neal, but you already know that—or at least I hope you know that.” Neal nodded, closing his eyes. He relaxed while Peter stroked his hair. He really didn’t like talking about things that happened before Peter because he was embarrassed to admit he’d fallen over the edge quite a few times and he didn’t want to scare his husband into worrying excessively. He didn’t want to think of his little failures in life or the fact that two rapists were running around freely out there. He needed to work as much as he could and he figured spending time with his kids would help, too.

•◊•

“I’m surprised to see that you aren’t having a heart attack,” Neal murmured. He was, once again, undercover as a male prostitute, but he was with Peter this time. He played the part a bit more naturally only because this was someone he knew and trusted. He was straddling Peter’s lap and Peter’s arms were around his waist, holding him so that they were chest to chest.

Peter rubbed Neal’s right side. “You’re with me instead of some crazy bastard. As long as I’ve got you, I know you’re okay.” He was tugging on Peter’s shirt collar, occasionally leaning forward to suck on Peter’s neck or jaw. “You know, you’re pretty good at this…”

Neal chuckled, licking Peter’s jaw line. “It’s easier to get into the part in public with you. I don’t have to worry about you thinking I’m cheating on you or stuff like that.”

The older man slid his hands down to Neal’s ass and pulled him closer. Neal smirked at him when Peter didn’t move his hands away. “This place smells like sex and it’s going to be all over our clothes when we leave.”

“We’re definitely changing before we get Nicky. I can’t walk up to his school dressed like a hooker.” Peter smiled, stroking Neal’s bare abdomen with one hand while his other hand was still on Neal’s ass. Neal glanced over Peter’s shoulder for a brief moment, whispering, “Peter.” Peter made a sound of acknowledgement. “He’s here.”

Peter nodded, pretending he was kissing Neal’s chest while Neal’s hands rested on his shoulders. “Is he armed?” he murmured.

“Doesn’t look like it.” Neal carefully watched the man they were supposed to be observing while moaning occasionally and stroking Peter’s hair. Peter did plant the occasional kiss on Neal’s chest, but he was mostly using Neal as a front. “He’s talking to some woman,” Neal whispered. He was attempting to read their lips. Mozzie taught him a few things, but Mozzie was better at this than he was. “If I read them correctly, there’s a transfer at six tonight.”

“Transfer of what?”

“Automatic weapons,” Neal said quietly.

Just as Peter was about to ask Neal another question a man come up behind Neal and tapped him on the shoulder. He turned and gave the man a look of question and Peter sat up to glare at the other man. “I’ll give you a Benjamin Franklin for him.”

Peter’s hands gripped Neal protectively. “He’s my sub for the duration of the night,” Peter growled. The man raised an eyebrow. “That means fuck off, kid. He’s worth more than a Benjamin Franklin.” Much to Neal’s surprise, the man had the guts to grab Neal’s chain from between himself and Peter and dragged Neal off of Peter’s lap, effectively knocking him to the floor to land on his right side. He grit his teeth, wishing he’d told Diana he wasn’t up to wearing a collar again. Before the man could tug at Neal’s chain again, Peter was wrenching it out of his hands. “He’s checked out for the night, asshole. Go find another whore to satisfy yourself with.”

Neal stayed on the floor, knowing the role he was playing. He got onto his knees in front of Peter’s legs, glancing up at the other man. “His ass is mine the moment you let him off his leash.”

Peter scoffed. “Keep telling yourself that, buddy.” The man walked away and Peter gently told Neal to get up. He dusted Neal off, keeping his eyes locked onto Neal’s. “Are you okay?” he whispered.

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m good.”

“What a dick,” Peter growled, wrapping his arms around Neal’s waist while standing with him. “And I hope you know damn well that the only reason I called you a—”

Neal gave him a small smile. “I know, Peter. We’re like actors and this is our stage. You can say every demeaning thing possible to me and I’ll know you don’t mean it.” Peter lifted his hand to stroke the side of Neal’s face slowly. “You’re keeping our cover, babe, and I know you love me.”

The older man sighed heavily. “You better keep that frame of mind if I have to say shit like that about you,” he said brokenly. “I don’t want to take you home tonight in a bad mood because of something I said to you here.”

Neal’s left hand slid over Peter’s pants pocket, rubbing his wedding ring in said pocket. “The moment I put that back on, I’m not a hooker and you’re not a dominant asshole anymore. We’re husbands and fathers again as soon as my ring is on.”

Peter nodded and let Neal start sucking on his neck while he kept an eye on their target now. Neal was acting the same way he acts when they’re in bed together and that was very arousing in itself if Neal’s clothes didn’t do the trick—and they definitely did the trick for Peter. “Fuck. He’s leaving,” Peter whispered.

“Go,” Neal said quietly. “I’ll go stand with Jones for a couple minutes. Please, don’t get yourself shot up or I’ll really hate you.” Peter pecked Neal’s lips before nodding and heading towards their mark. Neal turned and his heart pounded when he didn’t see Jones in his designated spot. Jones was supposed to stay close in case Peter needed to follow their mark. Neal had to stay inside if he wanted to keep his cover.

In an instant, there was a hand covering his mouth and he was being dragged away from the bar. He tried to fight back, but there were two other men. The one kept his hand over Neal’s mouth while one grabbed Neal’s legs and the other grabbed Neal’s arms. He went into a full panic. Peter was outside of the building and he had no idea where Jones was. He didn’t have reception in the rooms and he was being dragged into one at that very moment. Unfortunately, this was all too common for a place like this, so no one even paid attention to the fact that he was being taken into a room with three men against his will.

He thrashed around until he was thrown down on a bed and then he scrambled to get off of it. One of the men grabbed his chain and yanked on it, making Neal gasp in pain. “Where’s your master, pretty boy?”

“Fuck you,” Neal growled.

The man who’d tried to buy him from Peter not too long ago knelt in front of him and slapped him hard enough to leave a hand print on his cheek. He hissed, glaring at the other man. “You’re the sub, whore. You don’t speak unless we expressly tell you to speak.”

His heart pounded faster and he was waiting for it to fly out of his chest at warp speed. The one holding his chain tugged him back to choke him a bit and the other knelt beside him and started tying his hands. He broke out of the rope before it was tied and he tried to get up and run, but he was yanked back. The air was knocked out of him when his back hit the hard floor. He still kept trying to put up a fight as two of them worked to restrain him and eventually succeeded in tying his arms behind his back. This brought back so many terrors in his mind and he desperately wanted Peter to save him.

He got his breath back shortly after they tied him and he struggled against the hold one man had on his head while the other inserted a spider gag into his mouth and his eyes watered as his mouth was forced open. His jaw was aching and the man with the chain shortened the length he was holding Neal at. He was much closer now, so he was able to pull Neal backwards faster.

Despite the humiliation of it, he started pleading as best he could for them to reconsider. The man from earlier unzipped his pants and pulled his cock out, smiling at Neal. “Take it like a man,” the one holding his chain hissed, tugging him back to rub against _his_ cock and Neal thanked God that his was still in his pants. He kept his eyes on the man in front of him, continuously pleading even as the man stroked himself and spat on Neal’s face. Neal flinched and shut his eyes tightly. He kept making noises in the hopes that Peter might come back and hear him.

He truly hated himself for telling Peter to leave him in this hellhole alone. The moment he couldn’t find Jones, he should’ve darted off after Peter. He didn’t and that’s what landed him in this position. He kept his eyes closed and was silently praying incessantly that Peter would come back for him. He choked when the man forced his cock through the ring holding his mouth open. The back of his head was against the man behind him and the man in front of him gripped his hair, fucking his mouth roughly. He gagged repeatedly and tried to scream for help despite the obstruction in his mouth.

When tears started sliding down his cheeks, a gun went off twice. “Get the fuck away from him!” Neal opened his eyes when the man pulled his cock out of his mouth and he stared up at his husband in fear. His chain clattered against the floor and, though his hands were tied behind him, he managed to get himself into a standing position and ran to Peter. Peter wrapped an arm around him and snarled, “Get the hell out of my sight!” Neal breathed heavily, wishing he could remove the gag himself because he definitely didn’t want Peter to end up doing it. He wanted it off immediately so he could close his mouth. Neal startled when Peter’s gun fired again and the man who’d forced himself on Neal howled in pain. “Sick bastard,” he hissed. The man dragged himself out of the room and Peter yelled, “Be grateful that I didn’t kill you, you sick fuck!” The moment Peter and Neal were alone, Neal broke down. He wished he’d gone with Peter instead of opting to stay behind. It was such a stupid and thoughtless idea and he hated himself for it. “Hon. Honey,” Peter whispered, both of his hands behind Neal to free Neal’s tied hands. “I’ve got you. You’re okay. I’m gonna keep you safe.”

As soon as Neal’s hands were freed, he wrenched himself out of Peter’s hold and reached up to undo the gag, ripping it away from his face to throw across the room. He backed away from Peter, afraid that Peter would think he _wanted_ Peter to leave so he could blow that man. Peter moved towards him and Neal pleaded, “No! Don’t!”

“Neal, it’s just us.” He held his hands up to chest level and cautiously moved closer to his husband when Neal backed himself into a wall. “Angel, come here, please,” he whispered.

Neal sank to his knees and sobbed. “Please don’t hurt me,” he whispered miserably, covering his face in his hands.

Peter darted over to Neal and dropped to his own knees, pulling Neal against him. “Baby, I will never hurt you. What they did to you wasn’t your fault,” he said hurriedly. He rubbed Neal’s back with one hand and cradled Neal’s head with the other. “Jesus Christ. Neal, I am so sorry.” He kissed Neal’s shoulder repeatedly, whispering, “Honey, please look at me.” Neal’s entire body shook as he declined. He didn’t want to look his husband in the eyes after what just happened. “Neal George, _please._ ”

The younger man gasped as he lowered his hands and stared at his husband who looked blurry and watery in his vision. “Peter,” he said, sounding terrified.

“Honey, I’m not mad at you. I’m at fault for this. I should’ve fucking known he’d go after you the moment I left you.” Neal’s lips trembled even as Peter stroked his hair and rubbed his thumb over Neal’s neck. “Where the fuck was Jones?” he growled.

“I-I don’t know,” Neal whispered. “I d-didn’t see him b-before they _grabbed_ me.” Peter’s left hand moved away from Neal’s neck and Neal flinched, begging, “Please don’t!”

Peter’s heart broke on his face as Neal threw his hands up to protect himself from the blow he thought Peter was going to punish him with. “Baby, stop,” he whispered, his voice thick. He reached into his pocket and pulled Neal’s wedding ring out. “Sweetheart,” he said as he took Neal’s left hand. He held the ring up when Neal’s eyes finally looked at his hand. “Let me put this on you, Neal. Please.” Neal breathed shakily and, for the first time since Peter came into the room, he met Peter’s eyes directly. He stared critically at his husband, looking at him to decide whether or not Peter was disgusted. His heart fluttered when he saw the pain in Peter’s eyes. He wasn’t disgusted because of _Neal._ Neal could see that. Swallowing hard and sniffling, Neal nodded, lifting his right hand to wipe his face off. Peter slowly slid Neal’s wedding ring onto Neal’s finger, intertwining their fingers the second it was on. “I’m not going to hurt you. If I’m going to hurt anyone, it’s going to be that son of a bitch. Not _you._ _You_ did nothing wrong.”

Neal breathed erratically as he stared at his husband. “I tried to fight them. I tried, Peter. I tried…” He kept repeating that he’d tried until Peter kissed him fiercely, caressing his cheeks while he moved his lips against Neal’s.

The moment he broke away from the kiss, he hushed Neal. “Baby, stop. It’s okay. _We’re_ okay—I swear.” Jones darted into the room a moment later and Peter turned to look at him. “Where the hell were you?” he snapped.

“I was told there was something going on outside and I thought it might be our target,” Jones said, confused by Peter’s hostility until he looked past Peter and saw Neal. “Peter, is—?”

“He was almost raped because you weren’t there to watch him while I ran after the target. Diana has him in custody with his weapons. They were in a car he unlocked.” Jones stared sorrowfully at Neal and Neal forced himself to keep his eyes on the floor. “ _Three_ men dragged him in here. God only knows what they’d have done to him if I hadn’t come back as quickly as I did. Those sons of bitches—” Neal trembled as he looked at Peter and touched Peter’s chest. The older man held Neal’s hand where it was and focused on him for a moment. Jones saw the gag in the corner of the room and knew right away that it could have escalated to rape if, as Peter said, Peter hadn’t come back fast enough. Neal was silently pleading with Peter to calm down because his anxiety levels were off the charts right now just watching Peter blow up on Jones. “Christ,” he muttered. He brushed Neal’s hair back and leaned forward to kiss Neal’s forehead. “Do you want me to take you home?”

Neal shook his head. “I’m fine. They didn’t…didn’t…” Peter’s eyes were full of so much pain and it hurt Neal’s heart. “Please don’t make me go home, Peter.”

Peter nodded slowly and rose to his feet, extending his hand towards his husband. Neal grasped Peter’s hand firmly and let Peter pull him up. “What do you want me to do?” he asked softly, still holding Neal’s hand.

“Take me back to work so we can do some reports together,” Neal said quietly. Neal glanced at Jones and Jones ducked out, leaving the couple alone. Peter rested his other hand on Neal’s hip. “Peter, he didn’t _rape_ me,” Neal whispered.

“He could have. Bastard still forced sex on you. I’ll have an ID on that asshole as soon as I get to the bureau and he’s getting a God damn lawsuit against his ass for sexually assaulting you.”

Neal’s hands flew to Peter’s shoulders. “No. Please. I don’t want this to go on record,” Neal begged. “If these sexual assaults keep piling up, I’m going to be sidelined. I’m fine. He shoved his dick in my mouth. I’d rather he do _that_ than shove it up my ass.”

Peter was grinding his teeth. He wanted so desperately to go after the man who forced his husband onto his knees, but Neal didn’t want him to. Neal was afraid that he’d be taken off cases because he was a liability and he didn’t want to be labeled as such. “This stays between us and Jones—if he knows the story. I’m only doing this because it’s what you want. If I ever see him again, I will kill him, Neal.”

“Save the killing for Vincent and Craig,” Neal whispered, looking away from Peter’s face. “They deserve it more than that lowlife. He’s just a prick who wanted a blowjob.”

“And he brought two of his buddies in to help him subdue you,” Peter growled. “That bastard had his cock in your mouth and the other one fucking held you there by the collar.”

Neal crashed against Peter’s chest silently, wrapping his arms around his husband tightly. He didn’t want to talk about this anymore. Peter was getting really upset and that would, in turn, upset him. He wanted to forget this ever happened and he needed to start by rinsing his mouth with any and all forms of items meant for oral cleansing. Peter sighed against him, holding him as he always did in bed. Peter was being extremely gentle with him now and he wanted to keep Peter moderately calm as long as he could.

•◊•

Peter woke up in the middle of the night. He thought Neal rolled away from him, so he reached over to try to find Neal and was met with chilled bed sheets. In a panic, Peter untwisted himself from the sheets and leapt out of bed. He only grabbed his robe before darting out into the hallway. He was about to run downstairs, but he heard Neal singing quietly and it sounded like it was coming from the twins’ room. He moved down the hall a bit to listen closer. “Baby, you’re all that I want when you’re lying here in my arms,” he was whispering. “I’m finding it hard to believe we’re in heaven. And love is all that I need and I found it there in your heart.” Neal sounded like he was crying while he was singing and it was really pulling at Peter’s heartstrings despite how beautiful he sounded. “It isn’t too hard to see, we’re in heaven.” He heard Joey making small noises as Neal kept singing softly. “Oh, once in your life you find someone who will turn your world around, bring you up when you’re feeling down.” Peter knew Neal was _definitely_ crying because Neal’s voice sounded thicker now. “Yeah, nothing can change what you mean to me. Oh, there’s lots that I could say, but just hold me now—‘cause our love will light the way…”

Peter gently pushed the door open and Neal looked up from their son to meet Peter’s gaze. “Are you okay?” Peter asked softly, moving further into the room. Neal was standing in the center of the room while feeding Joey and there were tear trails down both sides of his face.

“Yeah. I’m okay.”

The older man sighed lightly before moving closer to Neal. He wiped Neal’s tears away gently. Neal gave him a small, appreciative smile. “Is there anything I can do?”

Neal nodded slowly. “Just… You heard the lyrics.”

“I’ll hold you close, honey,” Peter promised. He moved to stand behind Neal and slid his arms around Neal’s waist, just below his arms. “How long have you been up with him?” “Brie woke me up an hour and a half ago, I think. She took twenty minutes to calm down and then Joey started crying just as I was going to head back to bed.” He leaned his head back to nuzzle his face against Peter’s. “Honestly, I needed to hold them tonight—more than ever.” Joey’s tiny hands were up against Neal’s chest and Peter understood. Neal needed to find his reasons to relax and holding his babies—Nicky or the twins—helped. Neal felt so weak after the men dominated him earlier in the day. With his children in his arms, Neal felt that he could actually protect them even if he couldn’t protect himself—in his logic. He could just feel how relaxed and content the babies were in his arms and they curled up to him, seeking safety and security from his body alone.

Peter nodded, kissing Neal’s shoulder. “I’m here for you, baby,” he whispered. “If you need to talk or cry or just want me to hold you, I’m here for all of that. I’m here for you no matter what and I hope you know that you can wake me up in the middle of the night at any point if you need me.”

“I don’t like waking you up during the night,” Neal said solemnly.

“Neal George,” he whispered. “I don’t care what time it is. I promised you I’d always be here for you. If I’m asleep, you wake me up, hon. It’s as simple as that. You’re so damned important to me, Neal, and I can’t sleep while you’re suffering.”

The younger man nodded and removed the bottle from Joey’s mouth, making sure his son was asleep. Peter took the bottle when Neal held it out and then Neal carefully laid Joey down in the crib, pulling the blanket over him. Peter watched his husband, truly loving this man because of his heart. Neal held so much love inside of him despite his past and Peter was overjoyed to see that love extending to all three of their babies. “Do you mind if we talk for a couple minutes or would you rather go back to sleep? Either way, I’m fine.”

Peter held his hand out and Neal moved to take it, intertwining their fingers. “I’m willing to stay up, baby. I’m all yours no matter what time it is.”

Neal nodded and led them to their bedroom after nearly shutting the door. He still had a habit of leaving the door slightly open because he’d done it for Nicky for a very long time. Neal took his sleep pants off and tossed them onto a chair in the corner of the room before crawling back into bed. Peter took his robe off and joined his husband, keeping his eyes on him. “I never thanked you for earlier.”

“Don’t,” Peter whispered. “I love you. I heard you and I ran in as quickly as I could. Obviously, I wasn’t fast enough.”

“Peter,” Neal pleaded, leaning against the older man. “You know what’s already happened to me. You saved me before it could become _that._ You have no idea how grateful I am.” He grabbed Peter and laid down on his back, dragging Peter down with him. Peter laid on his side and rested his hand on Neal’s stomach. The older man really didn’t know how grateful Neal was. To him, he’d failed to save Neal before it became sexual at all and he felt horrible. “Peter, there were three of them. If all I had to do was suck on that guy for a few seconds, I’m beyond grateful. It could’ve been so much worse. I told you I know how it feels to have two men inside of me, but I can’t imagine having a third—if it’s possible.”

Peter couldn’t bring himself to accept Neal’s graciousness. “He still made you suck his dick. You had no choice. You couldn’t even close your mouth with that _disgusting_ thing they put on you.” Neal frowned up at his husband and Peter just felt guilty overall. He couldn’t forgive himself for leaving his husband after that man tried to buy Neal off of him. “I should have known, Neal. I should have known he’d try to grab you.”

Neal gave him an exasperated look. “Peter, I don’t like this any more than you do. It happened. You saved me before something really bad could’ve happened.”

“God knows what diseases that fucker had. For all we know, he probably gave you some oral STD.”

The younger man cringed. “Peter, stop. Don’t tell me things like _that._ ” Peter sighed heavily and Neal rolled over, giving his back to his husband. “Don’t kiss me or touch me anymore until we find out,” he whispered.

Peter stared at his husband, saddened by this sudden change in behavior. “Neal, I’m sorry. That was really cruel of me.” He scooted closer to Neal, kissing the back of his neck.

“I’ll drive down to get checked in a few hours so I can get to work at a decent hour tomorrow.”

Peter knew that the drive down to DC was about four hours. Back and forth, Neal would be gone for eight to nine hours. It all really depended on traffic and how quickly his doctor worked with him. Peter sometimes wished Neal found a doctor in their area, but he understood Neal’s loyalty. After all, he’d been lied to by a professional about his AIDS diagnosis. His current doctor has been his doctor for twenty years and has never once lied to him. Peter knew Neal worked through trust that way, which kept him from looking for another doctor. “Honey, I—”

Neal shrugged him off. “Just go to sleep, Peter.” Peter was really disappointed in himself. He was hurting his husband when Neal needed his comfort.

Peter waited a few minutes before pressing himself against Neal’s back. He tentatively slid his arm over Neal’s waist and was relieved when Neal’s hand touched his for a few moments. Neal didn’t tell him to back off nor did he shove him off. That was always a good thing.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal's been closing up around Peter and he ends up in hell by avoiding asking Peter for help in a dire situation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just an FYI: There is a _slightly_ explicit part of this chapter. I don't think it's all that bad, but I'm giving you a fair warning in case you're against reading that kind of thing. If that's the case, the cleaner version of this chapter is on my AnakinCaffrey profile on FanFiction.net.

Peter watched Neal from his office. They’d drifted apart for a few days after Neal drove himself down to DC to get himself tested and then Neal’s results came in. When Neal read them, the first thing he did was show Peter. Everything was, fortunately, just fine and they were both relieved. In the two weeks that passed since Neal was sexually assaulted on one of their cases, Neal seemed very unstable at times. He was having more nightmares and he’d had one full-fledged panic attack in that time. Peter felt responsible for all of this. It didn’t help that Neal was being stubborn. He’d been losing a lot of sleep. Balancing a regular sex schedule with Peter and spending hours during the night trying to calm the twins down was wearing him down, but he wasn’t asking for help. The few times Peter woke up to the twins, he’d shut the intercom system in their bedroom off so Neal wouldn’t wake up while he was putting them back to sleep.

Neal looked downright exhausted and it was worrying Peter. Neal wasn’t talking very much about his problems, fears, or worries. He knew he needed to do something or Neal might go off the deep end. He didn’t want that to happen. The only thing Neal really talked about anymore was their kids. He brought up his occasional irritation with Jones, too. Jones felt really bad about what happened to Neal during their case and he was trying to make it up to Neal by offering rather frequently to take over some cases for him or just ask if he could help in any way. It bothered Neal because it felt like Jones pitied him.

“Boss?” Peter startled and glanced at the doorway to see Diana. She came in and shut the door, walking closer to his desk. “Everything all right?”

Peter sighed, glancing at Neal again. “Just worrying about him,” he said quietly. He briefly described to Diana what happened and made her swear she wouldn’t act like she knew while she was around Neal. “I don’t know what to do for him. He’s really closed himself up to me and I hate it. I tell him I love him and he says it back at times. Other times, it’s just a simple _yeah._ ”

She nodded slowly, thinking. “Have you outright asked him why he’s not talking?”

“No. I don’t want him to sink deeper into this pit because he thinks I’m pressuring him. I’ve told him that he can always talk to me.” He watched as Neal walked over to the break area to fill his coffee mug. “That’s his fourth refill,” he muttered. “We’ve only been here for two hours and he’s going through coffee like mad. I’m seriously tempted to buy a water bottle and give it to him with the suggestion that he lay off on the coffee for a while.” He jumped up when Neal dropped his coffee mug and it shattered on the floor. He staggered a bit and gripped the countertop. Peter didn’t hesitate to pull the office door open and dart down into the break area. He immediately had a firm grip on Neal’s left bicep and placed his right hand on the small of Neal’s back. “Are you all right?” he asked, concerned. Neal wasn’t responding at all, but he looked terrified. “Honey, come with me,” he whispered. He was surprised that Neal complied. He led Neal away from the break area and took him into the back near the interrogation room. They were out of sight and Peter turned to look at his husband when Neal stopped abruptly and crashed against the wall. “Jesus Christ. Neal, what the hell is going on?”

Neal shut his eyes tightly. “I thought I heard him,” he whispered, looking like he was in physical pain. “I swore he was here. I swore he was going to kill me.”

“Neal,” Peter said gently, resting his hands on Neal’s chest, rubbing small patterns over his husband’s vest. “He isn’t here. You know I won’t let him touch you.” He wasn’t sure which _him_ was being referred to, but it didn’t matter because Neal was frightened nonetheless. Neal opened his eyes and stared at his husband’s face, exasperated. “Neal, I think you need a day off, honey. You need to get some sleep.” He bit his lip, whispering, “No offense, but you look like hell, angel.”

The younger man nodded. “I know I do. I avoid the mirrors as much as possible, but it’s unavoidable at times. I know I look like shit right now and it’s okay. You’re right.”

Peter shook his head. “That isn’t what I meant. Neal, you’re exhausting yourself. You’re running on vapors right now.”

Neal frowned. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“You need a stress day, hon. Between everything going on here and at home, you need one full day to just sleep. Please listen to me. Will you take a day off?”

He looked away from Peter. “I’ve taken off a lot of time already.”

“If I threaten to put you in solitary confinement, will you take a day off?” Neal bowed his head and murmured something that sounded like a yes to Peter. Peter gently gripped Neal’s chin and lifted his husband’s head, smiling softly at him. “I love you. I’m worried about you, Neal.”

“I’ve been such an asshole at home,” Neal whispered. “I’m really sorry for not telling you I love you as much as I used to. One of these days, you’re gonna walk out on me and—”

Peter shook his head, flattening his hands against Neal’s chest. “I’m never walking out on you, Neal. I belong to you. You know I don’t want to be anywhere else but here.” He got a small smile out of the younger man and it warmed his heart. “I have a beautiful family and an exceptional husband. I don’t want to be with anyone else. I love being with you. I love when you laugh, smile, hold the kids… I love watching you, Neal. Being around you makes me happy.”

Neal leaned forward and wrapped his arms around Peter, resting his head on Peter’s shoulder. “I love you,” he whispered. “I don’t want to live without you. I wouldn’t know what to do if you left me, Peter.”

“Then it’s a damn good thing I’m not leaving,” Peter said sincerely, rubbing Neal’s back. “You’re stuck with me, buddy. I love you to death and I really hope I show you that on a daily basis.”

“You do,” Neal said, his voice sounding stronger. “I know I doubt myself and the ability to keep you in my life, but I do know you love me, Peter.”

Peter smiled. “I love you so much more than I could ever tell you.”

The two returned to the main area and Neal immediately set to cleaning up the shattered mug, but it was already taken care of. He glanced over at Jones and saw him dumping the glass into the trash. “Jones,” he said exasperatedly. “You don’t have to keep doing things for me.”

“It’s not a problem at all,” Jones replied smoothly.

It really bothered Neal and he didn’t know how to say that without coming off as a dick. Peter probably encouraged what Jones was doing because he still blamed Jones for what happened to Neal. “What do you want to do, hon?” Peter asked quietly, resting his hand on Neal’s back.

Neal frowned. “I just want things to go back to normal.” He left Peter with that and went back to his desk and work. Peter was hovering slightly from a distance and Neal noticed. He felt so tired physically and emotionally. His body ached a little from their very rigorous sex on occasion and his brain was on overload. He’s been so paranoid since that man forced sex on him and it’s kept him looking left and right for reports regarding Adler or Craig. He wanted to stay on top of things, so he kept looking to see if they were making any moves. With Mozzie home to take care of the twins, Neal had to rely on the agents Peter assigned to watch Nicky’s school. It scared the hell out of him because his son had been kidnapped from school once before. The fact that it happened means it could happen again.

He wanted to make sure it _didn’t_ happen again. He wasn’t sure if he’d be able to save his son with a trade this time. “Are you okay?” Neal startled and glanced up to see Diana. She looked concerned. Now that he was paying attention, he realized Peter was back in his office and he looked a little dejected as he typed away on his computer.

“Yeah,” he whispered. “Just tired.”

“If you need to talk…” He just nodded and she took that as a dismissal, heading over to her desk to return to her work.

His email pinged when he opened his browser and he clicked on the tab, checking it. It was from Peter. “ _Hey. I know it’s ridiculous to email you because you’re right in my line of sight, but I want you to read this._ ” Neal smiled a little. “ _Things between us lately have been shaky and I’m sorry. I haven’t been the best husband and I realize that. We haven’t had a whole lot of time to spend together and I miss you. Making love to you is beautiful, but I love talking to you and making you smile or laugh. You’re such a beautiful man. Someone as beautiful as you shouldn’t be crying or frowning and I want to help you find the sun._ He laughed lightly. He truly loved this man even though he’s been very unlike himself. It wasn’t Peter’s fault that he’d closed up. He was afraid to talk to Peter because he wasn’t sure if there would be something on his mind that would turn Peter off to him entirely. He didn’t want Peter to leave him, so he kept to himself. “ _Will you have a date night with me in our bedroom? I’m not asking for sex, just so you know. I have some thoughts in mind and I want to know if you’re okay with doing that. I want to surprise you if you’re interested. Let me know. I love you, baby._ ”

He hit the reply button and typed, “I’m up for whatever you’ve got in mind. I miss spending a lot of time with you and I hope you realize you make me happy even when I seem like I’m not happy. I love you and we really need some alone time to relax together. You’re the sun, babe, so that’s one thing taken care of.” He added a smiley face at the end and hit send. He glanced over at his husband and, almost as if on cue, Peter looked up. Neal smiled at him warmly, appreciatively. The older man returned the smile and it made Neal’s heart flutter. He’d been feeling so empty lately. It was the small things that made him _feel_ though. Peter’s small smile was enough to send sparks flying between them. He loves Peter’s smile and he’d rarely seen it as of late. The ringing of his desk phone startled him and he nodded at the phone while glancing at Peter. Peter nodded in response and Neal grabbed the phone. “Special Agent Neal Burke.”

“ _Hello, Neal._ ”

Neal’s eyes widened. “Craig,” he whispered.

There was a soft chuckle on the other end. “ _I figured you’d answer your work phone, so I thought it may be wise to call you this way. I have something you want, Neal._ ”

His heart was throbbing and he felt like he was in physical pain. “What do you have?” he asked tentatively. He heard Craig talking to someone in a muffled tone and then there was a bit of rustling.

“ _Daddy._ ”

Neal’s heart could have shattered that very moment. “Nicolas,” he said, pained. “Please tell me they haven’t hurt you,” he pleaded. There was a moment of silence on the other end and he panicked. “Nick. Nick, talk to me.”

“ _They haven’t hurt me,_ ” he whispered.

“Okay. Don’t fight them, Nicky. They’ll hurt you if you do and I don’t want that. I will do anything I can to get you the hell out of there,” he whispered. The last thing he needed was for someone to overhear him and get Peter involved. Granted, he wanted Peter’s help, but Nicky’s life was on the line here. There was no response on the other end and his lips parted. “Nicky?”

Craig chuckled again. “ _How touching. You’d do anything for your kid, Neal, and that’s the fun of it. Vincent says hello._ ”

Neal swallowed hard. “What do I have to do to get you to let him go?”

“ _Stonewall. Half an hour. If you come with the FBI, your son will die._ ”

Before Neal could respond, the line went dead. He glanced in Peter’s direction and was relieved to see Reese talking to Peter. He could sneak out this way and he did. He leapt up from his seat and tried to casually grab his coat and walk to the elevator. He knew he was failing miserably, but he was terrified.

Inside the elevator, he nearly broke down. He shot a text to Peter’s email from his phone and told him he was doing something. He said he’d be back soon, but he really had no idea if he would be. He made damn sure he told Peter he loved him a _lot_ in case he _didn’t_ come back from this. He knew his life was pretty much over once he gave himself up for Nicky. If Nicky got out alive and okay, it was worth it. The pain of abandoning his children and his husband was horrible. He didn’t want any of them to get hurt, but he’d never see them again. His children would grow up without him, but they would have Peter and Peter was a good dad. Neal had faith in him.

He hailed a taxi once he was outside and asked to be taken to Stonewall. He left the Taurus so Peter could get home, but then he thought about it and realized Peter would figure things out once he went to pick up Nicky and they told him Nicky was gone. He glanced at his phone when it buzzed and Peter said, “ _Okay, baby. I love you very much, too. More than you’ll ever know._ ”

It killed him inside. He loves Peter so damn much. He’d never feel Peter’s skin against his or his sweet kisses. He’d never make love with his husband again. Essentially, he’d never live his life again. He’d be a toy for Vincent and Craig. There would be no lovemaking, no tender touches, and certainly no sweet endearments from them. They’d rape him over and over, batter and bruise him, and more than likely call him a whore repeatedly. He wished he’d gotten one last kiss from his husband before leaving, but all he could do now was regret everything he hadn’t done and would never do again.

Upon arriving at Stonewall, his eyes started watering. He paid the driver and got out, heading inside immediately. He heard someone whistle and turned to see those two monsters with his son. Nicky looked terrified. “I’m here,” he said as he approached them. “Let him go.”

Craig lurched out of the booth and gripped Neal’s jaw. “You have no power here, child,” he hissed. “You do as we say or your son is dead.”

Neal glanced at Nicky. He didn’t want his son with these bastards. It was one thing for him to live his life in misery. Nicky didn’t deserve it, too. “I won’t run. I want my son to leave.” Neal was enraged when Vincent stroked Nicky’s jaw and muttered something about him being really cute. He snarled and shoved past Craig. Nicky jumped forward and fell into Neal’s arms, holding onto his father tightly. “Don’t touch him,” Neal growled.

“He isn’t leaving. We don’t want anyone knowing we’ve got you, darling,” Vincent said sweetly. Neal’s eyes widened. He held onto Nicky tighter. “You have two options, my dear,” he said to Neal. “Craig and I will alternate between fucking you and your son or _you_ take _both_ of us at the same time every single time.”

Neal didn’t hesitate to say, “Double penetrate me. I don’t give a damn. I don’t want you touching him.”

Vincent grinned and Neal felt sick. This is what he really wanted. He was just using Nicky as leverage to get Neal to comply. Craig laughed lightly. “You’ll get to see your daddy become such a whore, kiddo. Unfortunately for you, you’re biologically related. Once your daddy dies, I’m sure you’ll be just as pretty as him.”

Nicky buried his face against his father’s chest, sobbing. “Don’t scare him,” Neal hissed. “I’m going to let you do whatever the hell you want to me. Just leave him alone.” He stroked Nicky’s hair, keeping both hands on his son. “I’ll be your whore. I’ll be your God damn fuck-toy if you leave my son alone.”

Craig pulled a gun out subtly and Neal’s lips parted. He turned in an attempt to protect Nicky from them if they planned on shooting. “Outside. Get into the damn car, Neal.”

Neal rubbed Nicky’s shoulder, gently pushing him in front. He didn’t want Nicky behind him. He knew they’d shoot Nicky. Vincent pushed Nicky into the back of the car and Neal got in beside him. Both of the older men got into the front seats. Craig sat in the passenger seat with his gun directed towards the other two. Neal took Nicky’s hand, intertwining their fingers. Nicky was trembling and crying as he leaned towards Neal. “Daddy, don’t let them hurt you,” he whispered.

“I’ll be okay, baby,” Neal whispered back. “I’m going to protect you.”

“Shut the hell up,” Craig snapped.

Neal had no idea how long it’d been since they got into the car, but it’d been at least an hour. He just held Nicky against him, stroking his hair while he cried. Neal couldn’t fall apart right now. Not with Nicky going into hysterics. He needed to protect his son before all else.

They drove up to what looked like an abandoned farmhouse. Nicky held onto his father tighter, afraid. “As soon as we get inside, undress yourself, Neal,” Vincent said quietly. “If you listen, we may consider leaving your son alone.”

“I want you to guarantee he’ll be unharmed,” Neal whispered.

“I can’t guarantee you anything. It depends on how well you perform for us.” Neal warily watched Craig as Craig exited the vehicle. As soon as his door opened, he could see the gun waving him out. He slid out of the car and Nicky came out with him, their hands tightly intertwined. Neal made sure he kept Nicky away from Craig as best he could. He’d take a shot for Nicky if it came to that, but he knew they’d shoot Nicky regardless. As soon as Neal walked inside, his stomach lurched. This was absolutely disgusting and morbid. The bed in the far corner was simply a worn mattress on the floor with blankets and a few pillows. He couldn’t find a clean spot in the entire area. “Clothes off, Neal.”

Neal turned to face Adler. “I don’t want my son to watch this,” he snapped. Nicky stood behind Neal, holding his father’s hand tightly. “He’s a kid. I don’t want him watching.”

“It’s not like we can take him into another room,” Vincent said, gesturing around at the open space. “What would you like me to do? Take him outside and shoot him? He can’t watch if he’s dead.”

Neal breathed shakily, looking down at his son. “Go into a corner,” he whispered. “Close your eyes and cover your ears, Nicolas.” Nicky stared up at him in horror. The teenager was hesitating. He didn’t want them to hurt his dad. If he had to look away and cover his ears, he realized Neal already knew how bad this was going to be. Craig cocked the gun and Neal’s eyes widened. His pressed his palm against Nicky’s chest, gently pushing him back. “Nicky, please. I can’t protect you if you don’t listen to me.”

Nicky’s lips trembled and he nodded. He let go of Neal’s hand and moved aside, looking up at Neal with tears in his eyes. “I love you, dad,” he whispered.

“I love you.” Neal watched Nicky walk towards a corner of the farmhouse and his heart nearly leapt out of his chest when Craig charged Nicky. “No!” he screamed. Vincent pulled his own gun out and aimed it at Neal. Nicky screamed in terror as his arms were pulled behind his back and he was handcuffed. “Let go of him!” Neal cried, his heart wrenching at the sight of the pure terror on Nicky’s face. Craig shoved Nicky forward and Neal gasped when Nicky hit the floor. “Nicky!” He darted towards his son, but Craig stopped him in his tracks when he leaned over a bit with the gun, aiming it directly at Nicky.

Neal was frozen. He couldn’t move and have them kill his son. Nicky got onto his knees and managed to move towards the corner, turning slightly to look at his father. Neal breathed a little easier when he didn’t see any blood. “Clothes off now,” Craig snarled.

Neal realized as he was about to take his vest off that Nicky couldn’t cover his ears with his hands cuffed behind his back. “No. If he can hear this, I won’t do it. He’s just a kid, damn you. Don’t ruin his innocence any more than you already have.”

Craig stormed over to Neal and hit him with the gun, cracking it against Neal’s temple. Neal cried out and fell to his knees, covering the area with his hand. He glanced at Nicky and realized Nicky turned away, but he was trembling again. “We let your son walk away. We won’t touch him unless you decide that you’d prefer one or the other.”

“I said I’d take both of you,” Neal said bitterly. “Do whatever you want to me, but leave him out of this.”

“Take your fucking clothes off then.”

Neal forced himself to get up despite the pain shooting through his skull. “Nicolas, try your damnedest not to listen,” he pleaded as he unbuttoned his vest and let it fall to the floor. He kept his eyes on Craig’s gun as he continued undressing himself. As soon as he was fully undressed, he kicked his clothing aside.

Craig tucked the gun into his pocket and practically charged Neal, gripping his hips as he forced a rough kiss on Neal. Vincent was behind him, rubbing his clothed cock against Neal’s ass. “Which of us would you prefer to look at?” Craig asked after breaking the kiss.

He felt disgusting when he said, “Vincent.” He could handle Vincent. He didn’t want to look at the monster. He watched Craig undress himself, averting his eyes before Craig lowered his pants. Vincent’s clothes rustled behind Neal and Neal once again glanced in the direction of his son. He was glad Nicky wasn’t looking. Craig grabbed Neal’s shoulders and shoved him down to his knees, gripping his hair tightly.

“You know what to do. Pretend we’re your loving husband. Make us as happy as you supposedly make him.” Neal closed his eyes. He didn’t want to look at this bastard. He didn’t want to be near these bastards. He’d rather be at home with his husband and children. Nicky would never look at him the same after this was over—assuming they both made it out of this alive if at all.

Neal opened his mouth and Craig shoved his cock into Neal’s mouth. The younger man sucked on him, trying to pretend this was Peter. Part of him wanted to believe this was his husband, but the other half knew this wasn’t Peter and he didn’t enjoy this as much as he enjoyed sucking on Peter. When he briefly opened his eyes, he saw Vincent stroking himself while watching.

Craig wasn’t happy with the pace, obviously, so he stilled Neal’s movements and thrust quickly into Neal’s mouth, effectively gagging him repeatedly. Neal had to shut his eyes tightly. Each time the head of Craig’s cock hit the back of his throat, he choked a bit. It was painful only because it was so damned forceful.

When tears slipped down Neal’s cheeks, Craig stopped and held Neal against his crotch, keeping his cock in place. Neal kept gagging and his face started to change colors at a very slow pace because he couldn’t breathe. He was taken by surprise when Craig shoved him back. Craig manhandled him, forcing him onto his hands and knees. Vincent stood in front of Neal and Craig was behind Neal now. Neal didn’t hesitate to latch onto Vincent’s cock, sucking just as vigorously as he’d sucked on Craig. Nicky wouldn’t be hurt if he did to them what he did to Peter.

Vincent let Neal do his own thing and took a great deal of pleasure in hearing Neal’s scream of pain as Craig immediately shoved himself into Neal from behind. He truly hadn’t been expecting that, but he knew he should’ve guessed. He was being pounded from behind while he tried to suck on his stepfather. “When should I stop him?” Vincent asked Craig.

“When you’re ready to fuck his ass.”

Vincent slapped Neal harshly and Neal gasped for breath. Craig kept pounding into him and occasionally slapped his ass. “Move to the mattress, whore.”

Neal didn’t know how the hell he was supposed to move if Craig kept fucking him. He kept crying out each time his prostate was hit because it wasn’t pleasant at all. The movements he made towards the mattress were miniscule at best. Obviously, that wasn’t good enough for the older man. Craig pulled out of him abruptly and grabbed him by the hair, forcibly pulling him to the mattress. He flipped Neal onto his back on the mattress and grabbed Neal’s hands, pinning them just above Neal’s shoulders on the mattress. He shoved himself into the younger man and brutally took him, watching how each and every scream distorted Neal’s expression.

After what felt like forever to Neal, he was pulled up. Craig lifted him and held him close, keeping himself inside of Neal while Vincent laid down on the mattress. Neal trembled against Craig, breathing heavily. Craig set Neal down and slipped out of him. “C’mere, baby boy,” Vincent said seductively, patting his cock with one hand while holding it up with the other. Neal swallowed back bile, warily glancing in Nicky’s direction. Nicky was curled forward and his body was shaking as though he was sobbing.

Craig shoved Neal down and Neal growled before moving himself into position. He sank down onto Vincent’s cock. Vincent wasn’t as thick or as long as Craig was, but it was still painful. Neal assumed he was supposed to move, but he was wrong. Craig’s hands were on Neal’s hips and he thrust into Neal, forcing himself into the younger man with Vincent’s cock already in place.

The howl and sob that erupted from Neal in that moment broke Nicky’s heart and made him sob harder. He hated what they were doing to his father. He didn’t want to listen to this, but he was afraid that they’d end up killing him and he wouldn’t even know it. He’d watched Neal’s porn before and saw one or two videos including double penetration and his father sounded like he was in so much pain. The sound of skin slapping against skin made Nicky’s stomach hurt. He knew what it sounded like when Neal had sex with a couple of his past boyfriends and he also knew how it sounded when Neal was with Peter. Hearing this made him realize how lovingly Peter treated Neal while they were in bed together. Neal never sounded anything like this before with Peter.

He listened to them call his father a whore, a slut, a piece of good for nothing shit… He heard one of them spit at his father. Listening to them rape his father horrified him. He knew Neal was sobbing. He was scared and his body was being violated—by both men who’d raped him in the past.

Things started to slow down after Vincent cried out as he came. Neal was forced to ejaculate when Craig roughly jerked him off. It was his way of humiliating Neal a little more. It took a bit longer for Craig to finish, but he did eventually.

Nicky flinched when he heard them hit his father several times and Neal just cried out occasionally. “Get up, whore,” Craig demanded. Neal breathed heavily. His body felt broken and ached so much that he didn’t want to move.

When Neal didn’t get up, Craig pulled out of him and walked away. “ _No!_ ” Neal screamed, thinking Craig was going after Nicky.

“On your back, you stupid slut,” Vincent hissed, pushing Neal off of him. Neal sat up just enough to breathe in air that didn’t smell like sex up close.

Nicky startled when he heard Neal continuously scream, sounding like he was being stabbed to death. In reality, Craig was scarring him. Vincent held Neal’s hands against the mattress above his head while Craig etched his name into Neal’s thigh. He was satisfied when he sat back to watch Neal bleed out over the letters. Vincent chuckled, knowing this was just the start. Normally, he wouldn’t have wanted Neal to be tortured this badly. With Craig though, he became more of an animal than he was before. He craved Neal’s pain and encouraged Craig’s need to continuously cut Neal in various places of his body, drawing blood in each place until it was able to be smeared across Neal’s skin. It wasn’t enough to kill him, but it was enough to elicit screams and cries from him and that was what the two men wanted most—other than the pleasure of being inside of Neal, destroying him from the inside out.

•◊•

Peter stood in his office at quarter to two, calling his husband’s personal phone repeatedly. He left several voicemail messages and hasn’t received a call yet. “ _This is Neal Burke. I’m unavailable at the moment, but feel free to leave a message. Thanks._ ” It beeped and Peter hung up.

He left his office and overlooked the bullpen. “Has _anyone_ seen Neal?” he asked, his voice booming enough to gain every agent’s attention. “He’s been gone for at least two hours now. Has anyone heard from or seen him?”

No one answered. Diana and Jones were deeply concerned though. It wasn’t like Neal to just run off without talking to Peter. “Boss?” Diana said as she walked up the stairs.

Peter shook his head and dialed Ascension, waiting for someone to pick up. “Hi. I’m Peter Burke. My son, Nicolas, is in the eighth grade right now. Would you be able to find him and get him on the phone, please?” He waited while the secretary on the other end went to find Nicky. A few minutes later, the woman returned to tell him that he’d been picked up by his uncle earlier in the day. “What? Mike grabbed him?”

“ _No, sir. This must be his other uncle. Craig Laird. He said—_ ”

Peter hung up and went into panic mode, darting to the elevator, calling out, “Craig Laird and more than likely Vincent Adler has my son and my husband. I want teams mobile now!” Diana followed him into the elevator and went with him to the security floor. “Jesus. God only knows what he’s done to Nicky. That sick bastard—”

“Peter, calm down. If you act irrational, you won’t use your best judgment and we won’t be able to save either of them.”

He demanded to be shown the security footage from two to three hours ago and watched closely as Neal crossed the first floor looking anxious and nervous as well as afraid. “He knew. That son of a bitch knew Nicky was taken and he didn’t tell me.” He slammed his hand down on the desk and growled in fury.

Diana watched the footage as Neal stepped outside of the bureau. He waited on the side of the street until a taxi pulled up and then he climbed in. “Boss. He took a taxi.” Peter looked at the screen again and memorized the plate number so he could make a few calls and hopefully figure out where the cabbie took his husband.

After two hours of back and forth bullshit, Peter found himself standing inside Stonewall again. “Adler is definitely in play,” he hissed with Diana at his side. “He used this spot with Neal to meet initially and this is where they met to make arrangements for the tradeoff between Neal and Nicky.” He interrogated the man at the bar and scared the kid shitless.

In the end, they found nothing helpful at all at Stonewall. The car they’d seen Neal and Nicky get into with those two bastards was an unmarked vehicle. “Boss, we’ll find them,” Diana said softly.

“No. You don’t understand. There’s no trade this time. They’re not only going to hurt my husband. My _son_ is going to suffer.” He was so pissed off—mostly with Neal. He didn’t understand why Neal wouldn’t have gone to him for help. “They’ve probably already been raped. God knows what’s been done to them or if they’re even alive right now.”

He searched well into the night after making a phone call to Mozzie to tell him he’d be home late. He tracked down any and every possible lead that seemed moderately linked to either of those monsters and came up blank every time.

By three in the morning, he was exhausted. He’d exhausted his team as well and asked them all to go home. He himself went home to see his children, but he realized belatedly upon walking into the house that _one_ of his children was missing.

Mozzie met him at the bottom of the stairs. “Peter,” he said sorrowfully. “I just heard.” Peter nodded silently, finding himself unable to look at Mozzie. After all of the times he’d promised Neal nothing would happen to him, he’d failed. He wanted to blame Neal for running, but he understood Neal’s mind after almost five years together. The only reason Neal would have run without telling him is that Nicky was being used against him. He assumed one of the two threatened to kill Nicky if Neal brought help, so Neal went alone. “Are you okay?”

Peter finally looked at Mozzie and he just _snapped._ “Do you think I’m okay?” he yelled. “My husband and my son are missing! Two rapists kidnapped them and I don’t even know if they’re alive anymore!” Mozzie was stunned into silence. He himself was upset, but Peter was falling apart. Peter didn’t realize he was sobbing until he was stammering to say, “I can’t live without them. I need them.” He crumbled to his knees, covering his face with one hand as he fell to pieces right in front of Mozzie. “I’ve lost them,” he whispered brokenly. “I failed Neal. He won’t come back from this. Nicky never stood a chance. Those sick bastards tortured my boy. Nicky’s probably dead.”

“Peter. I think you’d know if they were dead.”

“I don’t need your damned theories and conspiracies, Moz!”

Mozzie glared. “What I meant is that you and Neal are connected. You two have such a strong relationship. I think you’d just _know_ if he were dead. You truly love Nicky as well and I believe the same can be said about whether or not you’d know if Nicky were dead.”

Peter shook his head. “Mozzie, they both raped Neal. Craig almost killed him—and he kidnapped Nicky from school. He probably killed Nicky early on before he even called Neal.”

The shorter man grabbed Peter by the shoulders and gently shook him. “Neal isn’t dead, Peter. I don’t think Nicky is either. They want Neal and Neal will only do as they say if Nicky’s alive.” Peter just cried silently with Mozzie sitting in front of him. “I don’t believe Neal would let them kill Nicky. Neal will fight to the bitter end to protect his loved ones—and we all know how dearly he loves that boy of his.” Peter nodded, rubbing his face raw. “You saved mon frère several times, Peter. You saved him before Adler could hurt him again and you saved him after Laird raped him. He knows you’ll come for him. He loves you, Peter, so much. Stop being so damn pessimistic. Neal and Nicky need you, Peter, and you’re the only one who can find them. You have such a strong connection to your husband. For once, I think love will conquer.”

Peter knew that Mozzie never believed in any of this, calling it a bunch of mythological hypocrisies. Mozzie doesn’t believe in true love, but he must when it comes to Neal and Peter. Peter didn’t feel dead inside. He was afraid and hurting, but he didn’t feel empty yet. He hoped to God that Neal and Nicky were still alive—and prayed to the God he didn’t believe in that they’d still be alive when he found them.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter's efforts to find Neal frustrate him; Neal endures more pain to keep Nicky safe.

In the middle of the night, Nicky moved across the farmhouse floor. He’d been waiting for Vincent and Craig to leave and was relieved when they finally did. His father’s been too quiet for his liking and he wanted to go check on him to see if he were still breathing. He was pulling the blanket the older men left for him over to his father. The teenager assumed they hadn’t given his father the luxuries he’d been given since they were only caring for him to keep his father here and active. “Daddy?” he whispered as he neared where he remembered Neal being. Chains moved across the floor and he heard the quiet grunts of his father’s pain. “Daddy, are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Neal said hoarsely.

“Did they give you a blanket?”

Neal groaned and whispered, “No.”

Nicky frowned. He knew his father was naked and the floor was really cold. “I have one we can share, dad.”

He forced himself up a bit, tentatively reaching out for Nicky. He found Nicky’s leg and he gently patted it. “Lay down and I’ll cover you up, baby.” Nicky got onto his knees with Neal’s help since he was still cuffed. Neal was only limited in where he could go. He could move his hands freely, but he was chained against the wall. He stretched his arm out as best he could so Nicky could use it as a pillow. “I blacked out earlier,” Neal said, pained. “Did they hurt you?”

“No. Craig fed me some chicken and fries.”

“Bastard is actually a human being somewhere in that deep, dark black hole of his heart,” Neal said, sounding surprised.

Nicky snuggled up to his father, feeling stickiness on his father’s chest. Nicky knew it was blood and it made his stomach lurch. “Daddy, don’t let them hurt you anymore. I don’t like this.”

Neal sighed heavily, using his right hand to stroke Nicky’s hair. “They won’t hurt you as long as I do what they tell me to,” Neal whispered. “You’re more important to me.”

The teenager closed his eyes, crying silently against his father. “You’re important to me. You don’t deserve this, daddy. You’ve suffered enough. Poppa needs to find us.”

“He will, Nicky. He won’t spend a single moment not trying to find us. Until he’s here to take us home, I’m going to do everything I can to keep you safe.” He draped his arm over his son, holding him close. “You’re my baby, Nick. I can’t let them hurt you. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if they hurt you when I was able to do something to prevent it.”

Nicky started sobbing and Neal was hushing him gently. “I don’t want to lose you,” he whispered brokenly. “You’re my dad. If I don’t have you, I’m alone. My mom’s dead. I don’t want my dad to die, too.”

“You’d have poppa, baby.”

“Daddy, I love poppa so much, but it’s not the same. He’s my poppa and I’d never ask for another guy to be my poppa. He’s always cared about me and he took care of me. You’re my biological daddy. I have no mom. Please don’t make me lose my dad, too.”

Neal started crying, too, but he was silent. He just held Nicky close, rubbing his son’s back. “I’ll fight, Nicky. I promise I’ll fight. I won’t leave you here alone.” Nicky cried a little while longer and Neal held him and kissed his forehead. Neal gently held Nicky’s hand and Nicky felt so relieved to be able to hold his father’s hand again. If he weren’t handcuffed, he’d have his hands on his father. It gave him a sense of safety and security.

“I love you, dad,” Nicky said when he was sniffling and hiccupping. “I love you so much.”

Neal kissed Nicky’s forehead again, whispering, “I’ve loved you always. There’s never been a moment where I felt otherwise.” He kept Nicky’s hand in his even when Nicky finally fell asleep. He listened to his son breathe and adjusted the blanket over them both. He tucked the blanket in around Nicky when Nicky shivered a little.

He didn’t know that a full hour passed when he heard the door unlocking. He panicked, wishing he’d had more time. He hadn’t recovered from what they did to him earlier and Nicky was in need of some sleep. “Neal, are you awake?” Adler asked to the darkness when he opened the door, letting the moonlight in.

“Yes,” he whispered.

Adler came in further and Neal tried not to go into hysterics. “Here,” he said, setting a plate and glass on the floor. Neal stared up at Vincent, confused. “Don’t mistake this for compassion. You’re still entertaining us.”

Neal nodded, carefully disentangling himself from his son. “Can his hands be cuffed in front of him? He can’t feed himself or use that makeshift bathroom across the room. Are you expecting us to just piss all over the place?”

“When you boys need to use the bathroom, I’ll take you there.”

“You stay away from my son,” Neal hissed. “He’s old enough to go on his own and so am I. We have no means of escaping or going home, so it’s not like we can run.”

Adler simply stared at him in silence for a moment. “Eat your damned dinner, Neal. Craig and I are going to be coming back shortly. You’ll need your strength for what we’ve got in store for you, darling.”

He left, leaving Neal in the darkness. Neal glanced down at his son and bit his lip. He knew he should probably get something to eat, but his son was more important to him. He gently shook Nicky until the teenager startled. “It’s okay. It’s just me, baby,” Neal whispered reassuringly. “I have food. Are you hungry?”

“Yeah,” Nicky whispered. “He didn’t give me very much earlier. Do you have enough to eat, daddy?”

“Yes.” He dragged the plate closer and picked up the piece of bread with butter on it. Nicky couldn’t feed himself, so Neal had to help. Neal smiled wryly as he fed his son. “This reminds me of when you were a baby. I fed you just like this.” Nicky cried a little as he laughed and Neal felt really shitty. He was pissed off only because they’d essentially forced Nicky to listen as they raped Neal. “Baby, do you want to talk?” he asked tentatively.

Nicky rested his head against his father’s chest, breathing shakily. “I’m scared, daddy. My arms and wrists hurt. They hurt you so much earlier and I’m afraid that they’re going to kill you.” He started sobbing harder and Neal set the plate down, wrapping Nicky up in his arms. He hushed his son gently, wishing he could be a little more reassuring than that. “If they kill you, I’m gonna die, too.”

Neal shook his head, shutting his eyes tightly. “They won’t kill me. I won’t let that happen. Nicolas, you are my world. I’ll live with all of this pain to keep you safe.” His chains rattled around as he reached up to rub his own eyes. “You’re my baby. I’ll do everything I can to protect you. If it comes down to it, I’ll do my damnedest to kill them—or at least stun them temporarily—before they have the chance to make a pass at you.”

After Neal finished feeding Nicky the remainder of the food he’d been given, he curled up with Nicky again, holding him close. He wished Nicky had been let go, but it was kind of nice to not be alone during all of this. He had Nicky to snuggle with and Nicky kept telling him that he loved him. Neal felt like dirt after all that Craig and Vincent put him through, but Nicky’s love gave him strength. Nicky was relying on him for protection and he couldn’t fail Nicky this time.

•◊•

In the two days that passed since Neal and Nicky went missing, Peter was becoming an increasingly concerning subject. Mozzie and Diana were trying to help him and they’d even gone so far as to call in the parents. Jon and Hannah came down to New York to ‘visit’ Peter and the twins. Peter knew why they were really there and part of him was thankful while the other wanted to crawl into a hole and sob.

Peter was sitting on the couch with Joey in his arms, feeding him. Hannah was feeding Gabriella while Jon stared between both twins in awe. “Dad,” Peter said quietly, getting his father’s attention. Jon looked up from the twins to focus on his son. “If Neal and Nicky make it back alive, I don’t know what condition they’ll be in. Neal is going to be extremely volatile. I…I’ll admit that I’m going to need a lot of help.” He blinked quickly, clearing tears before they could form. “He’ll be a major suicide risk.”

Jon shook his head. “You know we’ll take care of him, Peter. There’s never been a need to ask for our help.” He reached over to pat Peter’s knee. “I love your boys. If there’s anything I can do to help you bring them home, I was in the police force before.”

Peter smiled weakly. “Yeah. What, fifteen years ago?”

The older man smiled wryly at his son. “Yes, Peter Michael. I still know how to handle a hostage or kidnapping situation.” He thought for a moment. “Neal has a gun. I haven’t had one in quite some time, but I’ll use his if that’s okay with you.”

“Honestly, the more the merrier, dad. I’d rather not put you in danger, but I know you’ll just fight me on this. I want them back so badly right now.”

Jon rubbed Joey’s tiny leg and smiled. “I know, Peter,” he whispered. “We’ll bring your husband and your baby home.”

Peter laughed sadly. “They’re both my babies.”

After both twins were fed and burped, Peter laid them down on the couch, sitting in front of it to watch over them. He’s been so nervous about leaving them alone in their room and he was nervous enough to keep them in bed with him. He had Neal’s same fear of crushing them while he was sleeping, but it seemed fine thus far. “You’re such a good dad,” Hannah said, smiling sweetly at her son.

“I learned from two wonderful fathers,” Peter replied quietly, giving his dad a small smile. “I look at them and I know I can’t go over the edge. Neal wouldn’t want me to abandon the babies to save him, but I want to be out there searching for him so desperately.” He adjusted the blanket covering the twins. “Neal would want me to take care of them. He’s such a beautiful man, always putting his children before himself,” he whispered. “He tried to save Nicky from those sons of bitches. He’d give his life for all of our babies. I just know he’s so much more sensitive to Nicky because that’s _his_ baby—in every way. He made Nicky and he’s cared for Nicky for fourteen years. Most of that time was by himself.”

Jon rubbed Peter’s shoulder. “You’ve got one hell of a husband, son, and we’re going to find him. If I know that boy as well as I think I do, I know damn well he won’t let them hurt Nicky.”

Peter nodded. “I know and that makes me worry about him. He was an extreme suicide risk after Craig raped him the first time. He’s…tried to leave a couple times, too, but that’s mostly my fault.” His parents gave him a confused look. “Neal and I have had issues between us in recent months. I’ve almost lost him a few times because I didn’t know when to shut up and I made the mistake of talking about his rapes during one fight we had. _That_ could have been the very end of our marriage and I wouldn’t have blamed him for leaving.”

“Obviously you’ve made up since then,” Hannah said quietly. Peter nodded slowly. “He’s a good man, sweetie, and I know you are as well. I won’t ask about your fights because that’s between you two, but I know you’re a good man even if you say the wrong things, honey.”

Gabriella kicked out randomly and Peter’s attention flickered to her immediately. She looked okay as far as he could tell. “I’m lucky to have him with me,” Peter whispered. “He could have walked away because I was an ass and he’d have all three of our children.”

Hannah took the babies up to their bedroom, leaving Jon to talk to Peter. The two men were in the kitchen while Peter was doing the dishes he’d let pile up. “I can’t imagine how you’re feeling right now,” Jon said gently. “To be honest, I felt so hollow as soon as you told me. That man has suffered enough. Because I know you so well, I know you’ll go right after those two bastards. I want to let you know that I’m right here at your side, Peter. I won’t hesitate to help you kill them. Neal is as much my son as you are and I love him to pieces.”

“Do you think mom would be opposed to staying home with the twins and Mozzie—wherever the hell that short enigma has gone—for a little while? I really want to be out there. I can’t sit here and wait for a call. I don’t want them to tell me my husband and son are alive over the phone. I want to be there to pull them into my arms.”

Jon smiled softly at his son. “Peter, she wants them home as much as you and I do. Nicky’s her grandson and Neal’s her son, too. He and Nicky are part of our family, Peter. Neal’s not just the son-in-law and I have never once considered Nicky my step-grandson.” He tentatively pulled Peter close for a hug and was relieved when Peter returned the embrace. “Neal likes when I call him my boy,” he said, chuckling.

“He really looks up to you, dad. His father was never there and his stepfather… I _wish_ he’d never been there. You actually love Neal and you helped him through a very rough and dark point in his life.”

The older man felt tears pricking at his eyes. “I’d do anything for any of you. My children and grandchildren are my life. That husband of yours makes you happy, Peter, and he’s so sweet.”

Peter nodded, squeezing his father. “I want him home,” he whispered brokenly. “I want him here so I can cuddle him. I want to kiss him and tell him I love him. I just want to _see_ him.” Tears slid down his cheeks slowly. “Lying in bed without him just isn’t the same. I can’t sleep without him, dad, and I can’t sleep knowing my son is hurting just as much.”

“Let’s get out there and help then,” Jon said gently. “I bet he’s missing you as much as you miss him.”

The two said they’d be back soon when Hannah came downstairs and they left the house. Peter was driving with the police scanner on. He followed a few leads he made, but they ended up leading him straight to a dead end. While he was stopped at a light, he saw a man carrying a child on the sidewalk and it reminded him of Neal.

A car honked behind him and he sighed, driving on. He could just imagine how much pain Neal was going through right now. He’d seen Neal after all that Craig put him through and that wasn’t pretty. Neal was roughed up and hardly conscious when Peter rescued him then and that was _only_ Craig. This time, it was Craig and Vincent. There was no telling what they’d do to Neal. He just hoped to God he had the strength to keep Neal from killing himself. He knew he needed to show Neal how much he loves him afterwards because Neal will think Peter’s disgusted with him. Peter always hated when Neal said things like that. He never blamed Neal for what happened. He’d been a teenager trying to protect his mother when Vincent raped him and he’d been protecting Peter when Craig raped him. This time, he’d willingly gone to those monsters, but it was for his son. As much as Peter wanted to hate his husband for doing something so foolish, he understood. He knows Neal and Neal would never leave his son in those monsters’ hands.

Nicky, if he hadn’t been raped or tortured because Neal came willingly, may be okay in the end. He didn’t want to count on that though. Neal was going to need a lot of help. His emotions would be in utter chaos. His body will be in so much pain and _Neal_ would be revolted by himself. He hoped his parents would stay in town long enough to show Neal how loved he really is, how worthwhile his life is. Part of him believed he couldn’t raise three children without Neal and he really didn’t want to find out which part of him was correct.

•◊•

Neal didn’t even move when Craig dragged him back to the wall. He didn’t want to tell himself he was going to be stuck here forever. He had Nicky to consider and Nicky needed to believe Peter would come for them. Craig chained Neal to the wall again and patted his head, muttering, “Good boy,” before leaving. Neal thought the phrase was suitable considering the fact that they chained him like an animal and treated him like anything but a human being.

After Craig and Vincent left them, Nicky brought the blanket over to his father with food he’d saved. Vincent listened to Neal’s request that Nicky’s hands be cuffed in front of him rather than behind and Neal knew that Nicky was extremely grateful. “Daddy,” he whispered, touching Neal’s bicep. “Daddy, I have food for you.”

The older man breathed shakily, looking up at his son. He didn’t want to move. His body ached horribly. Vincent and Craig were finding new ways to hurt him and they made it more and more painful each time they came back to relieve themselves using his body. “Eat, Nick,” he whispered. “I’m fine.”

“You’re getting too skinny,” Nicky said concernedly. “You lied to me when you said you were eating, didn’t you?” Neal swallowed hard and closed his eyes. His mouth was dry and he was really, _really_ hungry, but he made sure Nicky was taken care of. The last thing he wanted to do was watch his son starve. “Dad, please.”

Neal shuddered, whispering, “Is there water?”

Nicky got up and went to grab the glass of water, bringing it back to his father. “Here,” Nicky said gently. He set the glass down and tried to help his father get into a sitting position against the wall. Neal made pained sounds, but did his best. Nicky moved the blanket over his father, covering him up. He was worried about his dad. Neal’s been naked, bleeding, and cold over the last couple of days. Nicky was still dressed and he’d been cuddling against Neal to stay warm. Neal was breathing heavily as Nicky tentatively pressed the glass against his father’s lips. He was relieved when Neal took a drink.

Neal stopped drinking abruptly and Nicky _knew_ that wasn’t enough to help his father. “You need it more than I do,” Neal said quietly.

“If you keep doing this, you’ll die,” Nicky said angrily. “If you die, what do you think they’re going to do to me?” The older man’s lips parted and Nicky saw so much pain in his eyes when they flew open. He didn’t like having to say that kind of thing to his dad, but Neal, in his selflessness, was inadvertently killing himself. By giving all of the food and water to Nicky, he was becoming weaker and fatigued. “You don’t want them to hurt me, right?” Neal nodded, his lips trembling while he stared at his son. “Then listen to me. You’re taking care of me even though you’re the one who’s being hurt. Dad, I love you and I don’t want you to die. You _need_ to eat and drink.”

He nodded. “Can I have a little more then?” Nicky smiled a bit, holding the glass up for his father. He knew Neal could do it if he pushed himself enough, but he knew Neal was in a lot of pain and he wanted to help his dad. At one point, Nicky accidentally turned to look at his father because things had gotten quiet. He saw Neal trying to hold himself up on shaky arms as he was forced to take it from Craig while sucking on Vincent. If he wasn’t so worried about Nicky, he could have just collapsed on the spot.

Nicky rubbed his dad’s temple when Neal was done taking a long drink. “You’re bleeding all over,” he whispered, pressing his palm against the wound. “Is this from when he hit you with the gun?” Neal nodded, watching his son’s eyes trace each and every wound Craig inflicted on him. Vincent didn’t want to take part in the bloodshed, but Craig had no problem with it. Nicky saw dry and fresh blood on Neal’s body. There were a few wounds that looked as though they may be infected and Nicky only imagined how much more painful that made things.

“Nick, just stop looking,” Neal pleaded. “I’m not sorry for protecting you, but I don’t want you to look at all of the disgusting—”

“Dad, stop. Poppa’s told you that you’re not disgusting. You’re my daddy. I love you and I’m _worried._ ” Neal just looked miserable and Nicky wanted to cry. He decided to distract them both and grabbed the bread from the plate, holding it for his father to eat it. Neal tried to take it, but Nicky glared at him. “Let me help you, dad. You fed me when my arms were behind my back. You’re hurting and I’m going to feed you.”

Neal didn’t really have anything to say to that, so he just let Nicky feed him. He ate the bread slowly, trying not to hurt his jaw. As he was chewing, he looked at his son’s face. “Do you know how much I love you?” he asked him after swallowing. Nicky just smiled a little. “Nicolas, you’re a great kid. You’re so sweet and helpful.” He groaned as he lifted his hand to stroke Nicky’s cheek. “I’m so proud of you.”

“Can I hug you or will that hurt you?”

Neal laughed lightly. “Get over here.”

Nicky set the plate down and crawled closer to his father, leaning against his chest. Neal wrapped his arms around his son’s waist, looking down at him. This was the best they could do for a hug. Nicky kept his hands flat against Neal’s chest and closed his eyes. “I love you, too, dad. I’m lucky to have such an awesome dad.” He opened his eyes and looked up at Neal lovingly. “I’m so lucky to be your baby,” he whispered. “Nobody else can be you, dad.”

Neal’s eyes watered as he smiled. He rubbed Nicky’s back gently for a moment before resting his arms on his son again. “Thank you, Nicky,” he whispered. “That means a lot to me.” Nicky sat up just enough to kiss his father before lowering himself to rest against Neal’s chest again.

The two sat quietly against the wall. Neal was trying not to fall asleep and Nicky noticed. He knew Neal hadn’t gotten much sleep since he was so afraid of what could happen to Nicky in that time. Neal startled awake when his head dropped a bit. “Dad, just go to sleep,” Nicky said softly. “I’ll stay right here with you.” He moved around a bit until he was able to get under the blanket with Neal. Nicky helped Neal lay down on the floor and smiled at his father. “I love you. Get some rest.”

“You’re growing up too fast,” Neal whispered, closing his eyes.

Nicky was relieved the moment he heard Neal snoring. The teenager pressed his hands against wounds he could feel blood pooling out of in an attempt to stop it. His dad’s lost a lot of blood in the last couple of days and Nicky didn’t want him to lose much more if he could help it. Neal’s skin was chilled and bruising. Nicky knew Peter was going to be severely pissed off the moment he saw Neal. Nicky was pissed, but Peter was extremely protective of Neal and Neal’s well-being. It was extreme enough for him to go to great lengths to actually kill Vincent and Craig.

He traced a few of the wounds to test how deep they were and it really hurt his heart when he realized there were several deep cuts. Nicky didn’t care about seeing his father’s body bloody or naked, so he shifted the blanket a little bit, keeping it on his father as much as he could, and observed the wounds on Neal’s thigh. He traced the letters Craig etched into Neal’s skin and frowned as tears welled up in his eyes. He knew most of Neal’s wounds would heal and some may scar, but he wondered how Peter was going to react to seeing _this._ Craig didn’t leave it alone. Every time he cut Neal, he redid the letters just to see them bleed and that made them deeper.

He adjusted the blanket so that it was completely covering his father again and he just observed the older man. It was really heart wrenching to look at him in such a broken state when he’d been Nicky’s hero for fourteen years. Neal took care of Nicky and all of his needs without ever really having to think about it. Nicky found it strange to see someone who’d dedicated his life to his children and family destroyed like this. He wasn’t sure if his dad would ever recover from this and it scared him. He didn’t want Peter to lock Neal away because he was a suicide risk and he didn’t want his father to commit suicide.

Neal’s breathing quickened for a few moments and scared Nicky. He thought something severe was happening to his father, so his hands were all over. Because they were cuffed together, he settled for stroking his father’s hair, watching his expression shift from pain to absolute agony. “Daddy,” Nicky said urgently. He scooted over a bit and started to gently shake Neal. “Dad, wake up.” Neal’s eyes flew open and his lips parted in a silent scream. Nicky stared at him in horror, wishing he could do _something_ to help. “Dad,” he whispered, resting his hands on his father’s heaving chest.

His eyes slowly moved to meet Nicky’s. “I’m sorry,” he said brokenly before he started sobbing.

“Daddy, what’s wrong?” Neal covered his face and Nicky pried his hands away with some difficulty. “Daddy,” he pleaded. “I’m here. You’re not alone.”

“I should be,” he whispered. “I never should have let this happen to you. You should be home with poppa and the babies, not here with _me._ ”

Nicky stroked Neal’s hair, whispering, “Dad, I’m here with you. I’m okay. You’re taking care of me. You’re my daddy and I want to be with you.”

Neal shook his head, gasping for breath. “No. This isn’t how you’re going to live your life, Nicolas. I can’t let them hurt you. I just can’t.”

The teenager pulled Neal close, nuzzling his face against Neal’s chest. He was crying now. He really had no idea how to help his dad. Peter always managed this part of Neal’s life and Neal tried to keep Nicky out of it, so it scared Nicky because he felt so helpless. “Daddy, I love you,” he mumbled against Neal.

The older man’s breathing started to even out as he lifted one hand to cradle the back of Nicky’s head. His other arm slid around Nicky’s torso and he exhaled heavily. “I love you, too,” he said hoarsely. “I’m sorry for scaring you. I’m okay.”

“Don’t lie to me. I’m old enough to understand now, dad.” He closed his eyes and listened to Neal’s quick heartbeat. “I’m not a little kid anymore. I’m fourteen. I know about what happened in the past and I’ve been here during all of this. I can’t blame you for getting scared, dad.”

Neal laughed sadly. “You’re too damn smart sometimes, kiddo,” he whispered. “I was having a nightmare. Thank you for waking me up, Nicky.”

Nicky rubbed his father’s chest with his face. “I don’t like when you’re scared, dad. There’s got to be a way to get out of here.”

“I don’t know where we are. If I had a clue, I could help you find a way out and give you directions to the nearest place with a phone to call poppa.”

His son gave him the worst glare he ever saw from the teen. It kind of shocked him. “Dad, I wouldn’t leave without you. You’re my daddy. If I leave, so do you.”

Neal smiled down at his son. “I’ll figure something out. I don’t know where Vincent and Craig go when they aren’t in here. That’s another problem.”

Nicky nodded, looking thoughtful. “I could go to the window when they leave and see where they go,” he said before pausing to give his father a pained look. Neal looked at him in question. “I don’t want to watch them leave while you freeze on the floor.”

“Nicolas, don’t worry about me. If you can tell me which way they go or how far they might be, we could try to find a way to escape. Getting out of these chains is going to be difficult. If we managed to find a way to unlock them, I could take your handcuffs off and break us out of here.”

The teenager sighed. “We’ll get out of here, daddy. I just want to leave before they really hurt you.” Neal nodded, holding his son close. He was tired of being hurt repeatedly. All he had between fucks was a few hours to recuperate with Nicky at his side before they scared the living hell out of Nicky and took Neal to the mattress across the room. He knew Peter was trying to find them and he knew Peter wouldn’t stop until he did. Even if Neal died before Peter got here, he hoped to God Peter was close enough to get Nicky the hell out of here before anything happened to Nicky.

•◊•

Peter sat on his bed with a picture of Neal and Nicky in hand. Tears were sliding down the sides of his face. He missed them so damn much and wished he could find _something_ to help him find them. He wanted to hold his son and make him feel safe—to kiss Neal and remind him that love does exist and it’s more potent than cruelty.

He was trying to imagine the pain Neal was in and make himself feel that way. He wished he were in his husband’s place. Neal didn’t deserve this. No one deserved this. That’s why Peter would murder those two bastards. Nicky was absolutely innocent in all of this and Neal was only trying to protect his son. Peter didn’t resent Neal for making that decision. He just wished he’d known so he could have tried to help in some way.

The door slowly opened and Hannah glanced into the bedroom when Peter finally looked up. “Hey, sweetie.”

“Hi, mom,” Peter whispered, reaching up to rub his eyes.

She came in and sat on the bed, giving him a sad smile. “We’re going to find them, sweetheart. You’ve saved him before.” She patted his thigh before rubbing it slowly. “I’m sure he’s okay, honey. He’ll be so happy to see you the moment you break into wherever he is.”

He nodded slowly, looking at the picture in his hands again. “I just wonder if he’ll ever look like this again,” he said as he showed his mom the picture. “He’s so happy here. It took a long time to get him to smile like this after Craig kidnapped him the first time. I don’t know what kind of state either of them are in and that’s what’s killing me.”

“Honey, you’re an amazing man. Neal will just need your love more than ever and I know you’ll convince him that he’s worth it,” she whispered. “You’ll get him through this. You did it before, hon. Neal truly loves you and I think he’ll put the effort into trying to get past all that he’s gone through. He has a loving husband and three beautiful children who need him.”

Peter laughed lightly as tears slid down his cheeks again. He stroked the sides of Neal and Nicky’s faces, wishing he could feel their soft skin rather than the glass of the frame. “I hope I can save them,” he whispered brokenly. “I love my husband so damned much. I don’t want to lose him. And if I lose Nicky, I don’t know what I’ll do. None of our children are biologically mine, but I love them as if they were. They’re my babies and they’re my world—same as Neal. If I lose one or both of them… I’m nothing without them.” He inhaled sharply, closing his eyes as he pressed the picture against his chest. “I need them here where I can hold them. I need some clue as to where they’ve gone. So far, we haven’t found a single trace of them. Vincent and Craig covered their tracks too well this time…”

Hannah scooted across the bed and pulled Peter close. He let himself feel vulnerable and leaned against his mother. “Both of those beautiful boys will be coming home, Peter. You and your father are nothing if not determined. He loves that man as much as you do and Nicky is as much our baby as he is yours. I know neither of you still stop until they’re home.”

Peter cried silently against his mother. He wished he could just spend twenty-four hours out there trying to find them, but he was exhausted. He slept when he could, but he hardly slept when he did. Every hour Neal and Nicky were gone was another hour of pure torture for them both. That thought was eating him alive. Neal survived three years of rape that seemed like nothing to Neal now as well as a week of hell that Craig put him through. If Vincent had Neal, he wouldn’t be this petrified by the thought of what could be happening to them. It was the fact that Craig was involved. Craig was vicious when he raped Neal—vicious to the point where Neal nearly died and he was scarred.

He wanted to save them before it was too late.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When all seems lost, sheer luck and fortune appear.

Neal startled awake when the door of the farmhouse opened abruptly and slammed against the wall. He shifted Nicky protectively, but sincerely hoped this was just an angry visit to call him a whore and a slut who didn’t deserve to live. Craig stormed in and that was disconcerting only because Vincent wasn’t trailing behind him. “Nicky,” Neal whispered urgently, gently shaking his son. “Nick, wake up,” he pleaded.

Nicky woke up and Neal moved away from him, so he scrambled towards the wall at the far end of the room. “You little bastard,” Craig growled. As soon as he was close enough, he gripped Neal’s hair roughly and dragged him back against the wall. Neal cried out in pain, wishing he knew what the hell was going on. “Your God damn husband found my safe house, you whore. His agents are swarming all over the place and I hope you know what the implications of that are for you and your boy.” Neal’s eyes flickered over to his son who was curled in on himself against the wall, trembling as he cried quietly. “If he finds this place, you might as well say goodbye to your kiddo over there.”

“No! Please, don’t!” Neal pleaded. “I’ll do anything. Please don’t hurt him.”

Craig raised an eyebrow. “You’d prefer to die?”

“If my options are to save his life or mine, it’ll always be his,” Neal whispered.

The older man looked thoughtful. “Well, I suppose I should make good use of you until then.” He unzipped his jeans and pulled his cock out. Neal knew what was coming before it came, so his mouth was already open when Craig shoved in. He kept his grip on Neal’s hair and thrust into the younger man’s mouth quickly, gagging him with each thrust against the back of his throat. Neal shut his eyes tightly and just took it. He had nowhere to go since he was still chained up. “You’re such a good whore,” Craig said endearingly as he held Neal’s head in place, his cock gagging Neal.

Neal was trying to breathe and he was pleading with Craig even though he couldn’t speak. Craig just held him in place and pushing against Craig’s hips was futile. Tears were sliding down his cheeks and drool was dripping from his mouth. He couldn’t breathe and he seriously wondered if this was how Craig planned on killing him—suffocation during a blowjob. “Let him go!” Nicky cried desperately. Neal’s eyes flew open when Nicky charged Craig and tried to pull him away. “You’re going to kill him!” he screeched.

Craig suddenly shoved Neal aside. Neal gasped for breath, coughing as he spat on the floor. “Nicky!” he cried out when he looked up to see Craig advancing on his son. “Don’t touch him! Fuck me! Fuck me now!”

Craig turned to face the younger man, raising an eyebrow. “You’d let me do that to you to keep me from assaulting the child?”

Neal’s voice shook as his fiercely said, “Fuck me as hard as you can. Right now.”

Craig grinned, moving away from Nicky. Nicky was sobbing against another wall, watching Craig lower his pants as he neared Neal. “Hands and knees, baby.”

Neal complied, meeting his son’s eyes for a moment. He gave Nicky a very quick, sad smile before turning himself for Craig. He lowered his head to rest on his arms and kept his ass up like Craig wanted him to when he took Neal alone. Nicky had to look away when Craig started raping his father. Neal tried not to scream unless the pain was so unbearable. He knew his screaming scared the hell out of Nicky and he didn’t like that, so he’d been trying to keep himself quiet.

Nicky gasped when he heard Neal scream more painfully than he had before. When he looked up, his father’s back was arched and he was gritting his teeth, his eyes shut tightly. That was when he saw Craig’s blade sliding down his father’s right side. Craig didn’t even care.

This went on for quite some time. When Craig was finally finished with Neal, there was blood all over the floor. He’d cut Neal’s chest, down his right arm, and his left cheek. He curled into himself when Craig moved away from him. Craig laughed at him and spat on him before giving Nicky one long look. Nicky met Craig’s eyes and was afraid Craig would go after him even though Neal took so much abuse from him. Craig just walked out and locked the door.

The teenager got up from where he was and ran to Neal, immediately dropping to his knees beside the shaking man. “Daddy. Daddy, are you okay?” Neal tried to play his pain down a bit, but he cried out, clutching his side. Nicky looked around the room and tried to find something to clean his father with. They’d taken Neal’s clothes long ago. He took his shirt off and pressed it against Neal’s side, firmly keeping it in place. Neal tried to get him to stop, mumbling something about Nicky staying warm. “Dad, you’re bleeding out!” he cried. “Don’t fight me! I’m trying to save you!”

Neal just closed his eyes and let his son help him. Nicky was taking care of him as best he could. They both needed a very long shower or bath if they were rescued. Neal was feeling sick and he thought it might be a result of so much blood loss. “Nick,” Neal said hoarsely. Nicky looked up at his father’s face. “Thank you.”

“I love you,” Nicky whispered as he began to cry. “You need to hold on, daddy. Poppa’s got to save us soon and then you can get help.” Neal smiled a little. Nicky wiped away the fresh blood that covered his father’s skin. He used the blanket as a semi-tourniquet.

It took a little while for Nicky to get Neal’s bleeding under control. It hadn’t completely stopped, but it was close. Either way, he was wrapped up in Nicky’s shirt and the blanket. Nicky got up and walked over to the window to make sure Vincent and Craig weren’t coming back to hurt his father after he’d just gotten him to relax.

He was really tired of this. Neal was being tortured because he willingly gave his body to these men to protect Nicky. Nicky wished Neal wouldn’t have done that. He was selling his body to those bastards to protect his son, but Nicky would rather see Neal healthy and unused. Instead of that wonderful imagery, he was seeing his father beaten and broken down. Things were beginning to seem hopeless once Neal’s strength began to wane at a rapid pace.

Much to his surprise, he saw some older woman nearing the farmhouse and his heart skipped a few beats. He looked around the room and decided to grab what he assumed at first glance was a vibrator. He didn’t know or care if this was used on his father. He threw the damn thing through the window and startled the woman outside. He started screaming for help and she darted over to the window. “What’re you doing in there, young man?”

“My daddy and I were kidnapped. Please, you need to help us before they come back.”

She nodded, seeing the state of the room in her line of sight. It looked horrible and Nicky looked dirty with blood on him. “Where’s your father?”

“He needs an ambulance. I don’t know if he can move. He’s in a lot of pain and he’s been bleeding for several days. Do you have a phone?” She nodded, trying to look around for a way to get Neal out. “Can I please use your phone? I need to call my poppa. He’s with the FBI.” Her eyes widened and she nodded, fishing the phone out of her pocket with shaky hands. She handed it to him after unlocking it and he immediately entered Peter’s cell phone number.

He waited as it rang until it finally picked up. “ _Peter Burke speaking._ ”

Nicky heaved a sigh of relief. “Poppa, daddy and I are alive. Dad needs a lot of help though.”

“ _Nicky? Nicky, holy shit. Where are you?_ ”

Nicky glanced at the woman. “Where are we?” She gave him a location and directions that he relayed to Peter.

Peter was breathing shakily, sounding like he was crying. “ _I’ll be out there as fast as I can, Nick. Auntie Di called an ambulance and it’s en route. Stay where you are and stay away from Vincent and Craig if you can, kiddo._ ”

Nicky returned the phone to the woman and thanked her. “He’s coming and so is an ambulance. I just hope they get here before those guys come back for us.”

The woman took her jacket off and wrapped it around Nicky, smiling at him. “How old are you, little one?”

“I’m fourteen.” He glanced inside the farmhouse. “I need to get back in there to tell my dad help’s on the way. Can you watch for my poppa?”

She nodded. “I’ll watch. Don’t worry.”

Nicky dove in and ran to his father, kneeling beside him. “Dad,” he said as he gently shook Neal awake. When Neal groaned, Nicky smiled a bit. “Daddy, poppa’s coming. There was a woman outside. She let me call poppa.”

Neal’s eyes flew open and he looked like he wasn’t seeing very well or he was seeing too much of one thing. Nicky couldn’t tell. “He’s coming?”

“Yes,” Nicky whispered. Neal pushed himself up, gasping in pain as he did so. “Daddy, she’s watching for poppa. Relax until he gets here.”

“I need to get out of here. I-I… Nicky.”

“Dad, everything’s gonna be okay.”

Nicky held onto Neal for a while to keep him calm even though he was anxious to get out of this hell—until the woman leaned into the window and called out, “The FBI and police are here.”

Neal felt so relieved as he gripped his son’s hand tightly. Nicky rubbed Neal’s hand with his thumb and listened as the FBI and NYPD called out to each other. As soon as they barreled through the door, Neal knew everything was going to be okay. He had no idea how long it’d been, but it’d been far too long since he slept in Peter’s arms. “Neal! Nicky!” Peter darted through the doorway and stopped as soon as he saw them. Tears pricked at his eyes as he looked Neal over from across the room. He could see blood on the floor and on the mattress in the corner of the room. Peter ran to them, dropping to his knees. First, he held Nicky in his arms, whispering, “You’re safe now, Nicky. Auntie Di is outside. Go see her and she’ll get your handcuffs off. I’ll get daddy into the ambulance—and I want you in there, too.”

“I don’t need the ambulance. They never hurt me, poppa. Let me stay with you.”

Peter nodded and gently urged Nicky to head outside to get his cuffs removed. As soon as he turned to look at Neal, he moved so tentatively. He had no idea how much pain his husband was in. “Baby,” he whispered as Neal started to cry quietly.

“Peter,” he said miserably. “I don’t want to move. Please come here.” Peter nodded and moved closer to his husband. Despite how dirty and bloody he was, Peter still kissed him passionately. He wouldn’t let anything stop him from kissing his husband. They’d been separated for two weeks. He was beyond lucky that Neal was still alive. Neal tried to hold Peter, but his arms ached too much. “I’m so glad you came,” he sobbed. “I knew you would.”

The older man nodded, stroking Neal’s greasy, sweaty hair. “I would never stop looking for you,” Peter said sincerely. He turned a little and called out, “Get me some bolt cutters. He’s chained to the wall with no key nearby.”

As soon as Peter looked at him again, Neal smiled a little. It wasn’t much, but it made Peter’s heart pound in his chest. “I’m gonna tell you right now that you won’t like what you see under the blanket, Peter. I’m warning you because I don’t want you to be…to be disgusted. It…isn’t pretty.”

“Do you still have your beautiful dick?” Peter whispered. Neal chuckled painfully, coughing as he nodded. Though he knew he wouldn’t be in the mood for lovemaking for a while, he really appreciated Peter’s sense of humor in that moment. He’d been chained like an animal and raped continuously and there was nothing humorous in that. It was truly morbid and Neal was absolutely depressed. Now, he felt a little better. His mood was better because his husband came to his rescue and was trying to make the situation less of a problem than it really was. He wasn’t doing it to undermine the problem. He was doing it for Neal’s sake and Neal realized that. “Then no worries. As long as every part of you is intact, you have nothing to worry about. We’ll get through this, Neal.”

Neal nodded as Diana came in with the bolt cutters and Peter held his hand out for them. She looked Neal over for a brief moment and it made her stomach lurch. She’d never seen Neal so beaten and bloody before. He looked so weak and fragile in her mind and that wasn’t the Neal she wanted to see. She liked his lively smile, the way his eyes lit up when Peter came into the room, and how he laughed so easily.

Peter gently cut through the chains before pulling his husband into an actual hug. “You’re gonna help me?” Neal whispered near Peter’s ear.

“You know damn well I’ll be right here at your side,” Peter replied, kissing Neal’s cheek. “I don’t want to hurt you, honey, but I’m going to have to pick you up.” Neal nodded and wrapped his arms around Peter’s neck, letting Peter lift him. He shuddered against his husband as pain coursed through his body, but Peter held him in a way Neal almost forgot existed.

He could feel Peter carrying him, Peter’s heart beating against him, and voices all around him. The only voice he wanted to hear right now was the clearest of them all—and it was Peter telling Neal he loves him.

•◊•

Peter and Jon stood at Neal’s bedside after they were finally allowed in. Hannah was watching over the kids, knowing Peter needed to be with Neal or he’d go insane. “He looks a hell of a lot better than he did earlier,” Jon said gently, resting his hand on his son’s shoulder. “They cleaned him up and disinfected his wounds. He almost looks like he did before he was taken away.”

“He acted like there was something horribly wrong with him when he talked to me about the cuts on the way here. I think he might’ve been a bit delirious, but he kept moving my hand away from his thigh.” Peter frowned thoughtfully at his husband before glancing as his dad. “Would it be wrong of me to look at him while he’s unconscious?”

Jon looked uncertain. “I’d recommend waiting for him to wake up. He’ll probably show you himself when he’s ready, Peter. Don’t push him. You just saved him from that fiery pit of hell they threw him into.”

Peter nodded, reaching over to stroke Neal’s hair. “I’m just glad he’s still breathing,” he whispered. “I don’t know what I’d do without him. This is the love of my life, dad, and he means everything to me.” Neal shifted a little, his brows drawing together. Peter was silent as he watched Neal.

“He’s here now,” Jon said softly. “Don’t think about him not being here. You brought him back and saved him from those monsters.” Peter nodded slowly, stroking Neal’s cheek now. He was trying to avoid touching the cuts on Neal’s body. “When you find any leads on those bastards, I’ll help you bring them down, Peter. They aren’t getting away with this.” Jon took Neal’s right hand, holding it carefully. “They damn near killed him. Neither of them deserves to live after torturing him like this.”

“I’ll hunt them to the ends of the earth,” Peter growled. “They could have taken this beautiful man from me. I never would have heard Neal’s voice or laughter… I’d never see him smile again. I’d never be able to watch him get better and help him through this. I want them to die for what they did and I know it’s wrong of me to want revenge.”

“You and I are part of the law enforcement, Peter. I’m condoning this. I look at Neal and see someone who didn’t deserve to be starved, beaten, and raped. It’s not revenge if they deserve it.” He gently squeezed Neal’s hand. “I love him as much as you do. I’d do anything for him, Peter, and I want them to suffer the way they made him suffer.”

Both men talked for a little while, discussing plots to bring Craig and Vincent down. If Vincent got away, so be it. Peter wanted Craig _dead._ He knew Craig did most if not all of this damage to Neal.

As the evening wore on, Jon went back to the house to keep Hannah and the children company. Thus far, Nicky was just fine and that relieved Peter to no end. He decided he was going to spend the night with Neal just to be there if Neal needed him. He sat in the chair beside the bed and watched his husband’s face. He assumed this was probably the most sleep Neal got in the past two weeks.

Peter read a few things on his phone’s browser before he became a little tired. He was drifting in and out of sleep until he felt someone gently tugging on his fingers. He opened his eyes a bit to see his husband looking desperate with tears streaming down the sides of his face. Peter immediately jumped up and whispered, “What is it? I’m right here, angel.”

“Hurts,” Neal said brokenly. “Everything hurts and I don’t know what to do.”

“I’ll get a nurse. You just stay—”

“No. No, please. Please don’t leave me,” he pleaded, both of his hands clasping Peter’s left hand. “I’ll deal with it. Just please don’t leave.”

Peter shook his head, sighing quietly. “Honey, you know I won’t leave you.”

Neal gasped shakily, trying to get himself under control. “I’m gonna be sick. Please help me.”

The older man carefully helped Neal off of the bed and he lifted his husband, hating how light he was, and took him into the bathroom where he started dry heaving into the sink. Peter stayed with him, hushing him while rubbing his back slowly. “You’re safe, honey.”

Neal turned the sink on and leaned a little closer to rinse his mouth, spitting into the sink. In that moment, he looked down at himself and whispered, horrified, “Did you dress me?”

“No. The doctors did that after they cleaned you up, hon.” Peter watched Neal shudder as though he were in pain. “Neal, tell me what I can do. I’m here for you.”

Peter wasn’t exactly expecting Neal to grab the waistband of the sweatpants Peter brought for him and shove them down, but Neal seemed like he needed this. He stepped out of the pants and kicked them aside, pulling Peter close. Peter didn’t understand what was going on. He just rubbed Neal’s back tentatively. “I need to know,” he whispered. “I can’t hide from you. If you want to leave me, I’ll understand.”

“Neal George, none of this will make me leave you. Nothing could ever make me leave you. Take it easy, baby. We don’t have to talk about any of this right now. There’s plenty of time for that la—”

The younger man pushed Peter back a bit before continuing to back up. His palm was covering his thigh and Peter cautiously glanced down at Neal’s hand. He moved his hand and Peter’s heart cracked. Tears welled up in his eyes as he looked at the monster’s name that was embedded into his husband’s skin. He didn’t realize Craig had done this initially. “Are you disgusted?” Neal whispered. He was trembling and barely able to hold himself up against the sink countertop and the bar on the wall behind his back.

Peter met Neal’s eyes. “Yes. He did this to you and I want to murder him,” Peter hissed. He moved closer to Neal and had to quickly grab his husband as his legs gave out. “It’s okay,” he whispered as Neal whimpered. He helped Neal down to the floor and held him close, glancing sideways at the letters etched into Neal’s thigh. “I’m not going to leave you. You didn’t do this to yourself, Neal. He… God. He’s a fucking monster. _He_ disgusts me—not _you._ ”

Neal’s eyes were on Peter and he breathed heavily. “I believe you,” he said, swallowing hard. Peter looked a little surprised. “I don’t want to fall apart,” Neal said miserably. “I’ve put you and our family through enough. I’m safe with you again.”

“Honey, I’m not going to tell you that you can or can’t fall apart. Just let yourself feel however you’re feeling with the knowledge that I’m staying at your side through all of this.” He stroked Neal’s arm gently, lowering his gaze to Neal’s thigh. That name looked like it was permanently etched into Neal’s skin and Peter was only assuming that based on how deep the letters seemed to go. “Do you want to put your pants back on, angel?”

Neal nodded frantically. “I don’t feel comfortable without my clothes on right now,” he whispered. Peter nodded and carefully slid away from Neal to retrieve the sweatpants. He helped Neal pull them on before lifting his husband into his arms to carry him back into the room with the bed. “Peter?” Peter made a sound of acknowledgement as he laid Neal down on the bed and covered him up. “How’s Nicky? I can’t remember much after you carried me outside.”

Peter smiled at the younger man. “He’s just fine, hon. I left him home with mom and dad.” Neal’s brows furrowed in confusion. “We’ll discuss that another time, honey. I just want you to focus on feeling better.”

“If I talk, will you freak out and leave me?”

Peter shook his head. “No, baby. I’m staying right here with you. I promise, Neal.”

Neal swallowed hard, closing his eyes. “I’m so thankful,” he whispered brokenly, “to be anywhere but there. The things they did to me… I’m disgusted with myself, but I saved my son’s life by letting them rape me. Peter, I… Do you think I wanted this?”

The older man took Neal’s left hand and kissed his knuckles. “Nicky is alive and well because of you, honey, and no. I don’t think you wanted this. I know you didn’t want this.” He glanced at all of the cleaned cuts across his husband’s arms and cheek since they were visible. “You were protecting your baby and I’m proud of you even though you suffered.” He intertwined their fingers and smiled softly as Neal opened his eyes. “We don’t need to talk about this right now, Neal. You just got out of that hellhole. Focus on recuperating your strength. You’re malnourished, Neal.”

“I couldn’t let them starve Nicky,” he said, sounding like he wanted to sob.

Peter nodded, hushing his husband gently. “I understand, Neal. I’m just telling you that you need to focus on getting physically better. You are definitely not going to work and that’s an order from your superior—even though you’re my husband. I’m not allowing you to work in your current condition.” Neal looked pained and Peter shook his head. “Neal, you’re weakened. You haven’t eaten or slept as much as you should. I’m going to help you regulate your meals and sleep schedule again. It’ll help you feel a little better over time.”

Neal exhaled, nodding. “I’m gonna be okay,” he said. “I know you’ll help me. I trust you.”

Peter leaned closer, tentatively pressing his lips against Neal’s. He was really surprised that Neal returned the kiss. He wasn’t as passionate as he was before, but it was a good start. “Every step of the way,” Peter promised. “I’ll be right here with you. I will _never_ look at you in disgust, Neal. Please believe me when I tell you I love you.”

“I do,” Neal whispered, staring into Peter’s eyes. “I love you, too. After everything, I’m so lucky to have your love.”

The older man shook his head, murmuring, “I love you because you’re a beautiful man—inside and out. I understand why you did what you did and I love you. You’re such a sweetheart even though you were really hurt in the end.”

Neal tentatively reached up to touch the side of Peter’s face. “All the pain was worth it if my family is safe,” he whispered.

•◊•

Neal went home three weeks after he’d been rescued. He’d lost a lot of blood and he’d gotten ill in the final days before the rescue, so the doctors were doing all that they could to help him. He’d requested tests for STDs and they came back quickly considering the fact that he knew he’d waited at least a week to get his results before. These results came back in a matter of hours and he assumed it was because of how injured he was. He’d sobbed against Peter when he came back with _two_ STDs, but he wasn’t entirely surprised. He would’ve been shocked if he’d come out with nothing. Similar to the first time he’d been raped by Vincent, he came out of the whole ordeal with Chlamydia once again. He was also in the early stages of syphilis. After a week and a half, he’d gotten results for HIV and was relieved to see that he didn’t have it. He started up antibiotics for both STDs two weeks ago and Peter was extremely supportive and reassuring through it all.

He was sitting on the couch at home with Peter’s arm around him and Peter’s parents on the other couch. Neal and Peter were holding one of the twins each and Nicky sat with his grandparents. “It’s good to have you back home and safe, sweetheart,” Hannah said softly, smiling at Neal.

“I’m thankful to be home,” he whispered. “Thank you all for your support. I don’t think any of you realize how much it means to me to have such a closely-knit family like this.”

Neal’s eyes met Nicky’s and Nicky just smiled at his father. He was happy that Neal came home that day. Peter spent a lot of his time taking care of Neal at the hospital while Hannah and Jon took care of the twins and Nicky. Now that they were both home, they would resume their responsibilities as the parents.

Hannah kissed Nicky’s hair as Jon said, “Neal, all we wanted was for you to come home. Peter was the most determined of us all.”

Neal smiled a little at his husband as Peter kissed his temple. “I figured,” he whispered.

Peter went to start dinner shortly thereafter and Neal brought the twins down to the carpeted floor, laying them down beside him. He laid on his side despite Peter’s insistency that he _didn’t._ He was smiling at the babies and playing with their lips and cheeks. Nicky giggled as he watched his father. Hannah absolutely adored watching Neal relax with the babies. It seemed so natural to him and he could just ease right into his happy place with them.

Peter and Jon stood in the dining room while Peter waited for the oven to heat up. He watched his husband and smiled. Neal was still having difficulty moving around, but he was really trying and he was definitely improving.

Nicky brought a couple of the babies’ stuffed animals downstairs and handed them to Neal, watching Neal play with them animatedly near the babies to get a reaction out of them. Joey absolutely loved the little puppy Neal was playing with while Brie was disinterested entirely. She preferred playing with Neal’s wedding ring, liking how cool it felt. He laughed when Brie tried to suck on his wedding ring and he found her a binky instead.

“It’s amazing,” Peter whispered to his father, “to see how happy he can be. I wish it would stay like this.”

Jon nodded, crossing his arms over his chest. “You and I will bring those rapists to justice,” he said firmly, glancing at Peter. “Once they’re gone, Neal won’t have a reason to be afraid. He’ll be safe and he can be happy.”

Peter kept watching Neal silently. He’d seen Neal cry a lot over the last couple of weeks and it was heart wrenching. Now that Neal was home, he felt comfortable. With his children, Neal was easily excited. He’d spent two weeks in captivity with Nicky, but that wasn’t the same. Now that he and Nicky were both safe, he could hug and kiss his son in relief. He could play with his new babies that he hasn’t seen in several weeks, much to his dismay. He’d really missed the babies. “He’s so beautiful,” Peter said, awed.

It was obvious that Neal was daddy material when he started making baby sounds at the twins, smiling at them. They giggled at him and he let Brie tug at his hair a bit. Lying on his stomach was painful, but he was playing with his children and his pain just faded into the background. He didn’t even think about being shoved to his knees or forced to back himself into a wall. There was no room for Vincent and Craig when his children were at the forefront of his thoughts. He just smiled and made baby sounds while peppering kisses over both of their faces.

Nicky laid down next to Neal and watched his dad, loving how happy he looked. Jon sighed contentedly in the dining room with his son. “He’ll make it through this, Peter. He has so much to live for and I think he’s realized that already.”

Peter laughed quietly when Neal made the twins giggle. “I think he has, too. He was so distant when he’d come home after the first incident with Craig. This…is quite the opposite and it’s fantastic.”

Neal settled down after a few minutes and just smiled at the twins, watching Brie play with his ring and Joey attempt to suck on Neal’s fingers alternatively. Neal remembered when Nicky did both of those things. Granted, the ring he’d been wearing at the time was decorative and in no way represented an engagement or marriage. He’d gotten his college class ring and Nicky had a blast with it. He’d gotten that ring a little over a year after Nicky was born, but he loved that ring because of his son. It was nice to prove to himself that he’d actually accomplished some form of graduation, but it meant more to watch Nicky play with it—and now that ring belonged to Peter. His class of two-thousand-one college ring was Peter’s and Peter gave him his class of ninety-five ring. They were being a little silly about it and pretended they’d dated in college even though they’d graduated six years apart. Neal wished he’d been with Peter through it all, so Peter gave him his ring in exchange for Neal’s. It was kind of like giving a boyfriend or girlfriend their high school class ring. Peter hadn’t been dating in high school and Neal wasn’t in high school very long to have gotten the opportunity.

Peter tried to make up for all of the little things Neal missed when he was younger. He bought Neal a high school class ring even though he knew Neal wouldn’t wear it. Neal still kept it in his nightstand with other things Peter gave him that he treasured. Peter gave him a makeshift prom for their first marriage anniversary and Neal loved it. Peter invited their friends—and Nicky—and they had a blast with actual punch rather than spiked punch. With Nicky around, they were careful and it was still fun either way.

Peter loved seeing Neal so happy. Those little things he’d done for Neal meant a lot to the younger man. The fact that Neal helped him come out of the closet and married him meant the world to Peter. Neal gave him a son right off the bat, which proved he trusted Peter a great deal. Now they were raising three children together. He’d do anything to make Neal smile.

In light of recent events, he’d do _everything_ to make his husband happy. Watching Neal play with the twins gave him a little insight as to how he’d raised Nicky when Nicky was that little and it was almost as if Neal let him into various parts of his life that Peter hadn’t been there for. Peter felt welcome into Neal’s life, so he returned the favor when he had the chance. The first thing he’d do when Neal was settled back in at home was celebrate Neal’s thirty-seventh birthday. He’d been rescued three days after his birthday and Peter still wanted to do something for him to make it special—to make _Neal_ special.

When dinner was in the oven and heating up, Peter went into the living room to join his family. He laid beside Neal, watching his husband act like a child. He loved that innocence in Neal because it was pretty much the only innocence he had. After being raped three separate times over the course of his life, Neal was still able to love his family wholeheartedly.

Kissing Neal’s shoulder, Peter realized that Neal was going to do much better this time around. He had the twins to keep him preoccupied and he seemed to trust Peter’s words. He reciprocated Peter’s love whenever Peter said it to him and he was really trying to keep them on an intimate level. Though they weren’t having sex and wouldn’t be for a little while, they could make this work. Peter loves Neal for the man he is—and watching Neal become this tenderhearted man who played so beautifully with his children really inspired Peter.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal and Nicky struggle as they try to cope with the events of their kidnapping.

Peter woke up when he heard his bedroom door squeak as it opened. The first thing he considered was that Neal had gotten out of bed, but Neal was asleep right in front of him. His arm was draped over Neal’s waist and Neal’s leg kicked out every now and then. Peter assumed that might be something he’d have to deal with. If Neal kicked him in the middle of the night, then oh well. He could handle that. Neal was safe with him and that’s all that matters. The only thing that kind of bothered him was that it was the same leg in which Craig scarred Neal’s thigh. The kicking out made him wonder if there was nerve damage.

“Poppa?” Peter turned a bit to blearily see his son. “Can you come with me?” He sounded like he’d been crying, so Peter carefully slid away from Neal, sliding off of the bed. He walked across the room to join Nicky and gently touched Nicky’s back to lead him out of the bedroom. He shut the door and Nicky started heading back into his bedroom, so Peter followed him.

Nicky sat down on the bed and waited for Peter to join him. “Everything okay, Nicky?” he asked as he rubbed the sleep out of his eyes.

“I had a nightmare,” he whispered. Peter was alert now. It’d been a week since Neal came home and Neal had night-terrors at least every other day or so.

Peter nodded. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Nicky scooted closer to Peter until Peter pulled him into his lap and wrapped his arms around him. “I didn’t want to wake daddy up,” he said sadly. “It was about him. Poppa, we’ve been saved for a month now, but I keep seeing what they did to him. It scares me because I can hear his screams and cries.”

The older man kissed Nicky’s hair, whispering, “Everything will be okay eventually, Nicky. Daddy’s safe now and no one is going to hurt him again.”

“Poppa, will daddy’s scar ever go away?”

“They’re healing right n—”

“Craig’s name,” Nicky clarified as tears slid down his face.

Peter was quiet for a few moments. “I honestly don’t know, Nicky. Daddy doesn’t like that scar any more than you or I do. It looks like it’s the only one that might not heal properly.”

Nicky started crying and Peter tried to hush him gently, rubbing his back. “That name is going to be on daddy’s body for the rest of his life. He’s never going to forget about what happened because the proof of it is right there in front of him all the time.”

“Daddy will be okay,” Peter said softly. “He knows I love him even with that scar, so he really has no reason to worry about it. He knows you love him.” He stroked Nicky’s hair and closed his eyes. “Eventually, I think daddy won’t be as affected by it as he is right now. He’ll be okay though because I’m going to help daddy through this.” Nicky nodded against Peter, rubbing his own eyes. “Thank you for waking me up, kiddo. I don’t want you to go through this alone either.”

The teenager sniffled a bit. “I don’t want to be alone. I want you to help me because I’m afraid of making things worse for dad.”

“I completely understand,” he whispered. “I’m here for both of you. You can always pull me aside or wake me up if you need me and I’ll be right here.”

He listened as Nicky described his dream. He could understand why it scared the hell out of Nicky. It scared the hell out of him to hear all of this. In the weeks that followed rescuing his husband and son, Peter was afraid to even begin imagining all that they went through. It was really easy to get lost in Neal’s own nightmare when he looked at Neal’s body. He helped Neal frequently clean his cuts because Neal was paranoid about getting them infected again, which Peter was completely fine with. He wouldn’t say no to anything Neal asked of him because he believed Neal knew what would help him get through this. Peter can’t read his mind, so he relies on Neal to talk to him when he feels afraid or horrified.

It had to have been at least half an hour since Nicky woke him up before Nicky finally decided he wanted to go back to sleep. Peter kissed his hair and tucked the blanket in around him before leaving his son’s bedroom. He was pulling the door to a slight close when he heard vomiting.

He darted back to his own bedroom and went into the bathroom to find Neal hunched over the toilet. Part of him wondered if Neal was doing this on purpose subconsciously because he hates his body. Neal was barely putting on some weight and it was starting to scare Peter. He was concerned about Neal’s health and wondered if he needed to get Neal to see a professional about what was beginning to seem like an eating disorder to him.

Peter knelt beside him, rubbing his back. He wasn’t sure what to say because he didn’t know what the problem or cause was. Neal rested his head against his forearm while he breathed heavily. Peter gave him a few minutes to calm down a bit. “I wasn’t feeling too well,” Neal whispered. “Obviously.” He gestured at the toilet with his other hand before sighing.

“Don’t worry,” Peter said softly. “I’m concerned though. Can I ask if you’re doing this purposely or is your body reacting to things you’re thinking about?”

Neal breathed raggedly as he sat back and closed his eyes. “I’m forcing it. I feel like my body isn’t adequate enough for you and I want to look nice when—”

“Dear, God, baby. Don’t do this,” he pleaded. “I can see your ribs, Neal. Stop doing this to yourself. Your body is beautiful to me. I just… I _need_ to see you put some weight on so you can get back to looking healthy, which means you need to stop forcing all of the food out when you think you’re not good enough.” He kissed Neal’s shoulder and whispered, “You’ve always been so much more than _enough._ ”

The younger man frowned. “You want me to be fat?”

“Neal, you’re thirty-seven and you weigh almost _less_ than one hundred pounds.” Neal swallowed hard. “You should have a lot more than that, Neal George, and I wish you would put that weight on. You are so unhealthily _thin_ and it really hurts me to think you believed you needed to be some perfect supermodel.” Neal’s mouth opened and then closed a few moments later as he looked at Peter warily. “Neal, I love you, but I don’t want to see your ribs nearly poking through your skin. I love you when you’re healthy looking, honey.”

“So you want me to be fat,” Neal said tightly.

Peter sighed heavily, giving his husband an exasperated look. “Yeah. If that’s what you think healthy is, then yes. Please put some weight on, Neal, and stop forcing your food out like this.”

“I need to look good for you. I’m not good enough with all of these scars and disgusting marks. I don’t know how you can even stand sleeping beside—”

“I am going to walk away from you and go downstairs to sleep on the couch alone if you don’t stop right now,” Peter said firmly. “You want to look good for me? At least get yourself to one hundred and fifty pounds. That’ll look good for me—so much better than the skeletal look you seem to think I find attractive.” He rested his hand on Neal’s head, frowning at the younger man. “Don’t tell yourself I want a paper-thin husband, Neal. I’ve never once told you to lose weight because I want you to look _good._ You’re gorgeous the way you’ve always been, honey, and I want you to gain some weight before you get sick. You suffered and I understand that, but you’re safe and at home now, so please take better care of yourself. Throwing up like this isn’t something I like. Seeing your ribs isn’t something I like. Neal, looking like you’re dying isn’t something I like.”

Neal was quiet for a few moments, nodding slowly. “Okay,” he whispered.

Peter sighed heavily, shaking his head. “I love you to death, but I don’t want you to look like death.” Neal leaned against him and nodded again. “I’m not trying to criticize you, honey. I just don’t want to see you do this to yourself.”

“I’ll try,” Neal murmured.

“That’s all I’m asking of you, baby,” Peter said, giving Neal a gentle hug.

•◊•

Peter saw a great deal of progress in Neal’s weight over the next few days following their conversation. He was eating dinner regularly when Peter made it every day and Peter was relieved by the fact that he wasn’t waking up to Neal getting sick in the middle of the night. Nicky kept waking him up and that was all right. He was getting pretty tired, but Neal was sleeping through the night—much to his surprise.

Hannah and Jon were staying with them for a little while longer. They were both concerned and wanted to make sure Neal was being taken care of properly. Jon kept warning Peter that something was going to make Neal snap at some point. He’s been too calm and relaxed since coming home and he didn’t think Neal could keep his pain, disgust, and anger holed up inside of himself forever.

Peter was just finishing up with the laundry he’d pulled out to fold when he heard a thud in his and Neal’s bedroom bathroom. He immediately panicked, darting to the door. He knocked on it. “Neal, are you okay?” Neal wanted to take a shower, so Peter told him to go ahead and take his time. He could hear Neal trying to keep himself from crying and it twisted his heart. “Baby, can I come in?”

“Yes,” Neal said hoarsely.

The older man opened the door to find his husband on the floor. The water was still running and Neal was holding his thigh, gasping for breath. “Jesus Christ.” Peter darted over to him and knelt in front of him, resting a hand on his shoulder. “What happened?” Neal miserably whispered, “I tried to get out and lost my balance. My leg hurts—and it’s not from falling. It hurt before that.”

“Do you want me to take a look at it?” Neal nodded, trying to push himself up a bit. “Relax, hon. I can move.”

“So can I,” Neal said pointedly. Peter raised his hands to chest level and Neal shifted around painfully. Peter glanced at Neal’s leg and saw how bruised his thigh was. He gave Neal a questioning glance because it certainly hadn’t been like that last night when Neal was getting into his sleep pants. “Just never mind. I’m okay.”

He tried to move his leg away from his husband and that’s when Peter realized what was going on. “Are you cutting yourself?” he asked incredulously, seeing faint traces of blood on Neal’s skin and the letters looked freshly opened. “Neal, what the hell?” Neal pushed himself up from the floor, gasping as his body ached with his every move. He turned the water off and grabbed a towel, wrapping it around his waist. He didn’t want to answer Peter, which immediately told Peter that Neal was cutting himself. “Neal, you—”

“Just leave me alone!” Neal cried out, his eyes watering as he faced the older man. Peter was silently staring up at Neal, wishing he could help somehow. “You don’t understand and you never will. You don’t know what it’s like to wake up every morning to see _this_ —a reminder that I’m a God damn weakling who allowed myself to be raped for, what, two weeks? I didn’t even try to fight them!” Peter didn’t move or speak. This was really eating at Neal and Peter could see that. “Did you know that I _begged_ them to fuck me so they wouldn’t touch Nicky? I just offered my ass to them without even thinking about what it would do to _us_ and I let them brutally fuck me enough to make me bleed. You saw all of the evidence of—”

“Why do you keep torturing yourself?” Peter asked quietly, frowning at Neal. “Have I said something to make you think that everything you did was wrong or that you wanted everything they did to you?”

“Why are you such a fucking idiot?” Neal yelled. “What the hell keeps you here? Why the hell do you even try to take care of me, Peter? I’m fucking insane. Look at me. I let them rape me _together_ for two weeks. They cut into me, scarred me, made me scream and cry… How in the name of God can you possibly want to be with me? I’m such a whore who’s just full of STDs.” Peter’s eyes watered as he listened to his husband. Neal sounded so angry and bitter, which he understood, but he didn’t like it. “Hell, you should just start calling me a slut and I’ll respond to it like a dog. You should get one of your guy friends to come over and we can have a God damn threesome. You—” Peter shook his head and pushed himself up, turning to leave the room. He couldn’t handle this. He couldn’t listen to Neal degrade himself like this because Neal wouldn’t understand him if he tried to tell Neal he loves him. “Don’t walk away from me when I’m talking to you!”

Peter didn’t listen. He left the bathroom and went to their bed, crawling onto it. He sat cross-legged above the blanket, waiting for Neal to yell some more. He wasn’t surprised when Neal did just that. Neal accused Peter of wanting to rape him because, to Neal, why else would Peter want to be with him? He tried his best not to listen to this and take it to heart. Neal had no idea how much pain he was unleashing on the older man and Peter wasn’t sure if he had the heart to tell Neal to shut up and listen to him for once. He wanted Neal to stop yelling, sit down, and listen as Peter listed all of his reasons for loving Neal, but he just couldn’t bring himself to asking Neal to do that. He couldn’t force Neal to submit to him like that and he never wanted to do that. All Peter could say was, “Is this your way of telling me you want a divorce?” Neal immediately stopped speaking as he stared at Peter in horror. “If it’s what you want, I’ll do it, Neal. I love you, but I don’t want to sit here and make you miserable.” Neal was speechless and Peter closed his eyes. He didn’t want to see the pain on Neal’s face. “Get dressed, Neal. I’ll head downstairs to—”

“Peter, I’m so sorry,” he choked out. Peter’s eyes flew open when Neal collapsed to his knees, covering his face with his hands as he hyperventilated and sobbed simultaneously. “I don’t understand why I’m acting this way. I have no right to say those things to you,” he whispered quickly. Peter slid off the bed to comfort the younger man and Neal lowered his hands to see that. “No! Don’t come near me,” he pleaded. Peter immediately backed up. “I can’t stand myself. I can’t look at myself in the mirror without wanting to slit my throat and I can’t listen to myself speak without wanting to strangle myself to death. I hate myself, Peter. My body feels so… I don’t think I’m in the right body. I don’t feel like I deserve to live.”

The older man wished he could break down in that moment. “Neal, I hate when you say things like this,” he said sadly. “You did nothing wrong. You protected your baby boy. Neal, he was never hurt once because you—”

Neal’s entire expression became angry with despair. “Because I whored myself?” He laughed mirthlessly, shutting his eyes tightly as he sobbed. “It’s been weeks and I still feel so afraid. I feel like he’s going to come in and threaten to hurt my son. My body just feels like it’s being violated repeatedly even though you haven’t fucked me. I still feel like they’re pounding into me. It hurts so much, Peter.” Peter shifted, carefully nearing the younger man. He knelt in front of Neal, watching his face. “I cut myself because I can feel him cutting me when it’s not happening and I end up doing it myself because he did it to me every single time he raped me. Every time. It didn’t matter how many times in a day because he did it _every fucking time._ ” Before Peter could try to say something reassuring, Neal continued. “If that isn’t hard enough to live with as it is,” he said, opening his tear-filled eyes as he gestured to the hallway, “I have someone who witnessed the whole damn thing. He was there, Peter. He heard them rape me. He _saw_ them rape me. He saw everything they did to me and you know what? He tried to fucking help me. My son. My fourteen year old son. What kind of God damn father am I if I can’t keep him innocent? He knew I was raped before. Now he knows what it’s like to hear me scream and cry when they fucked me.”

“Neal, he’s been so damn afraid of this,” Peter whispered, tentatively taking Neal’s left hand in his right. “I didn’t tell you, but he’s been waking me up in the middle of the night over the past few nights. I held him as he cried, Neal, because he’s afraid you’re going to kill yourself.” He intertwined their fingers and Neal clutched his tightly. “He knows how painful this was for you. He isn’t revolted by the sight of you. He understands, Neal. If you went into his room right now to talk to him, he’d tell you the same thing. He was so afraid that they’d kill you. Now that you’re home, he’s afraid you’re going to do it yourself. I’m scared, too. I love you beyond comprehension and I don’t want our children to grow up without you. They haven’t had the chance to get to know their daddy yet. If you end your life, you’re not only hurting yourself. You’re hurting everyone who loves you.”

The younger man sobbed against his husband who held onto him gently. Peter hushed him and rubbed his back, making sure he stayed away from cuts that affected Neal.

Not too long after that, Neal went into Nicky’s room to talk to his son while Peter went downstairs to be with his parents. He kept the monitor in hand in case the babies decided to wake up. “Is he okay?” Hannah asked concernedly. Peter gave them a very brief, vaguely detailed overview of what happened upstairs because they heard Neal raise his voice.

“For now,” Peter whispered, glancing at the stairway. He turned his attention to his father who looked like he felt guilty. “Dad?”

Jon sighed and shook his head. “I feel like this is my fault because I just assumed this would happen. Maybe I haven’t been as loving and supportive as Neal needs me to—”

“Dad, stop. It’s bad enough to hear him degrade himself. Don’t you start, too.” Jon nodded, giving his son a saddened look. “You’re helping, dad. He admitted that to me. The other night, he sat out here alone while I was working on some files. You came out here and talked to him, dad, and he leaned into you for comfort. You held him close and made him feel loved. He needs to understand that I’m not the only one who loves him. Even then, sometimes he doesn’t think I love him. I need you both here and I think he does, too.”

“That boy is so…” Jon trailed off, trying to think about what he wanted to say. “Neal deserves all the unconditional love the world can offer him. He has his children who will always love him. The twins already love him and it’s evident when he’s playing with them. He knows you’re in love with him. If he didn’t, I’m fairly certain he wouldn’t want to be in bed with you every night.” He glanced at his wife and shared a small smile with her. “We’re trying to make him feel loved by us, Peter. I look at that boy and his frown kills me. I love when he smiles as much as you do.”

“And that means everything to me,” a saddened voice whispered from the stairway. Everyone glanced at Neal as Neal finished coming downstairs. Peter was afraid to move. He didn’t want to upset or startle Neal, so he waited to see what Neal wanted to do. He was a little surprised when Neal stopped right in front of him and glanced at him like he was afraid he’d piss Peter off.

Peter just gave him a small smile and Neal lowered himself until he was sitting on Peter’s lap. Peter wrapped his arms around Neal and brushed his lips against Neal’s. “You mean everything to us,” Peter whispered.

Neal closed his eyes and relaxed in Peter’s arms, thankful to have someone hold him like they cherished him. Peter’s body felt so warm against his. It felt nice. He didn’t need to be naked or chained up to be relevant. Peter just wanted to be with him as he is. “I’m sorry about what I said to you earlier,” Neal whispered quietly enough for only Peter to hear him.

Peter held him like a child, smiling softly at him. “I love you, Neal. Don’t worry about it—you’re my husband and the love of my life.” Neal opened his eyes for a brief moment, closing them again as he leaned towards Peter for a kiss. Peter kissed him gently, trying to convey how honest he was being with Neal.

Hannah and Jon smiled at the boys, intertwining their fingers as they watched them. As soon as they parted for a breather, Neal fiercely whispered, “I love you, Peter Michael Burke. Thank you for being my one true love.”

Peter grinned, rubbing Neal’s back as he gazed into Neal’s eyes. “You’re mine. I figured I should return the favor since you’ve given me something I thought I’d never have.”

“What’s that?”

The older man kissed his husband again. “You’ve given me family, happiness, and yourself. The most important is _you._ Without you, I wouldn’t have a family of my own. Without you, I wouldn’t be happy. I’m in love with you and I want to be with you for the rest of my life. You’re the first man I’ve fallen for, and you’re certainly the last.”

Neal smiled as his eyes watered. He rubbed Peter’s chest slowly, silently thanking Peter. He was only slightly aware of the fact that Hannah and Jon were watching them, but their presence didn’t bother him. They know exactly how Peter and Neal interact, so it wasn’t like they were putting on a front for their parents. They knew Peter took care of Neal and that Neal was deeply in love with their son. “I love you,” Neal whispered. “Even when I’m acting so unlike myself, I love you.”

“I love you—always,” Peter said quietly.

The couple went into the kitchen to work on dinner together. Peter watched Neal move like he was in pain. He glanced at Neal’s ass and knew that was the source of his pain. They’d taken him bare and roughly. He knew they’d really hurt Neal. They made him bleed, which meant they’d obviously injured him. Even though Neal’s body was on the mend, Peter didn’t doubt that Neal felt the phantom pains of what they’d done to him. “Since we’re alone, I’d really like to apologize for what I said,” Neal said quietly, glancing at Peter warily. “Accusing you of wanting to rape me… That was very wrong of me. We’ve been together for almost five years. For me to accuse you of wanting that, I must really be going insane. There was no justifiable reason for that accusation and I feel terrible about it.”

Peter shook his head. “Neal, it’s all right. I know you didn’t mean it and I understand why you said it.” Neal frowned, turning away from his husband. “Hon, listen,” he said gently. “Everything between us is just fine. I’m not upset with you or hurt by what you said. I can’t imagine what you went through and what you’re still going through. I’ve tried to understand, but you were right when you told me I can’t and won’t understand.”

“That was also wrong of me to—”

“No. You were right, Neal. I don’t know how you feel or how you felt. I haven’t been through that. All I’ve done is watch you suffer. It hurts to see you so upset and miserable, but I know my pain is nothing in comparison to yours.”

Neal glanced at Peter again. “That isn’t true. Your pain isn’t meaningless. It means a lot to me and I’m sorry that I haven’t focused on you—at all. I’m such an attention whore,” he whispered.

Peter gave him an incredulous look. “Uh, you were kidnapped and raped while trying to save our son.” Neal bowed his head and Peter moved towards him, gently lifting Neal’s chin until Neal’s eyes met his. “I’m never going to tell you that I’m tired of this—of you. I’d be so empty without you. I was empty without you here, Neal. You’re everything to me.”

The younger man gave his husband a weak smile. “I’m lucky to have you,” Neal whispered. “If you were Keller, Fowler… _Dan._ If you were any of them, they’d never care. Keller would have told me to suck it up and then probably tell me to get into bed so we could fuck. Fowler wanted Craig to rape me, so he’d probably ignore the fact that it happened. Dan would think I wanted to fuck him to make myself feel better.” Peter kissed Neal’s forehead, knowing how true all of this was. “With you, you’re gentle. You hold me when I’m crying and kiss my neck or face while whispering how much you love me. You don’t get upset and tell me to lay down and deal with it. You haven’t once tried to advance on me sexually and that means a lot to me, Peter. I don’t feel like I’m being pressured by you.”

“Because I’m not that kind of man,” Peter said quietly, lifting his hands to caress the sides of Neal’s face. “I may not understand or know how you feel, but I know you. I know how much you hurt yourself because of them.” He tentatively brushed his lips against Neal’s for a moment. “I don’t want to add to your pain. I want to lessen it, honey. I love when you’re happy, baby, and they keep stealing your happiness from you.”

Dinner was quick and quiet. Nicky played with his food while watching his father nervously. Jon and Hannah sat across from Neal and Peter. Neal could feel Nicky’s and Jon’s eyes on him and his heart started to race. He could feel himself breaking into a cold sweat. “Dad?” Nicky said quietly. He noticed that his father was acting strange all of a sudden and Peter’s attention immediately flew to the younger man. “Daddy, are you okay?”

Neal swallowed hard and shut his eyes tightly, dropping his fork onto his plate abruptly. His hands were trembling and the feeling was beginning to spread through the rest of his body. “Neal?”

Neal gasped quietly and slid his chair back. His eyes flew open and he unseeingly darted out of the dining room. Peter could see the terror in Neal’s expression and he immediately jumped up to follow his husband. Neal didn’t get far. He’d managed to get halfway up the stairs to the landing before he slipped and crashed against the steps. Peter ran up after him and rested his hand on Neal’s back. “Get me out of here,” Neal pleaded with him.

He was clutching the rug of the stairs tightly. Peter nodded and helped Neal stand. He took Neal upstairs and Neal steered them in the direction of their bedroom. It was almost as if he didn’t know whether or not he was stuck between illusion and reality. Peter sat Neal down on the bed. “Put your head between your knees, honey. I’ll get a washcloth to wipe your face and neck down.” Neal did as Peter told him to, breathing heavily while leaning forward. He could hear the water running in the bathroom. When it turned off, Peter was wringing the water out of the cloth and then he returned to the bedroom. Peter knelt in front of Neal, gently lifting Neal’s head before rubbing the cool cloth over his face gently. “Do you want to tell me what happened?”

Neal shuddered and whispered, “I felt uncomfortable.” Peter’s brows drew together and Neal sighed shakily. “I felt like I was being scrutinized. Don’t tell dad, please. It isn’t his fault.”

“What did dad do to make you uncomfortable?”

“He was just…staring at me, watching me.”

Peter nodded, rubbing Neal’s neck slowly with the cloth. “It’s okay, Neal. You know dad won’t hurt you. He loves you too damn much to do a single thing to hurt you.”

“I know. I just…don’t want to be watched. It scares me.” Peter was quiet as he sat back a bit to meet his husband’s eyes. “Vincent watched me suck Craig’s dick or he watched Craig fuck me. He watched Craig cut into me repeatedly.”

“Honey,” he whispered, hushing the younger man. “Don’t do this. You’re only going to hurt yourself if you talk about it.”

“I’m going to hurt myself more if I don’t talk!” Neal cried. “I’m trying to keep it all bottled up inside, but it’s beginning to overflow and I can’t compensate for it.”

Peter gave his husband a long look before nodding, gesturing for Neal to scoot back on the bed. He crawled across it and sat beside Neal in the center of the bed. “All right. If you need to talk, are you comfortable talking to me or would you like me to set something up with your group or a psychologist?”

Neal rested his forehead in his palm and Peter rubbed Neal’s back. “I’m afraid to talk to you.”

“Why?”

“Because of everything I did. We’re married and I did so many things… Peter, I don’t want to lose you,” he said, looking up at Peter with tears in his eyes.

Peter smiled sadly at Neal. “Angel, I’m not leaving. I’m staying right where I am because I’m happy with you.” He took Neal’s hands in his. “You never need to be afraid to talk to me. Like you said: we’re married. I married you because I love you. If I didn’t love every bit of you, I wouldn’t be able to stay, Neal. I’m here for you regardless of whether or not the situation is good or bad.”

Neal nodded slowly, keeping his eyes on Peter. “Can… Can I talk to you then?” Peter nodded, lifting Neal’s hands to kiss his knuckles. “They watched the other one fuck me. I felt more like an object than a person—like an animal.” He started making frantic gestures with his hands even though he kept his grip on Peter’s. “The first time they raped me, they raped me together. I tried to get Nicky out of this all beforehand, but they didn’t listen. I told Nicky to…to go into a corner, close his eyes, and cover his ears. They cuffed his hands behind his back and made him listen.” He was beginning to cry and Peter tried his best to make sure Neal knew he wasn’t judging him. “Craig never got me ready for him. He just shoved in when he wanted to and it _hurt._ I had to look at Vincent’s face every time and he tried kissing me when my arms nearly gave out.”

Neal tried to pull his hands away from Peter’s and Peter hushed him softly. “Neal, don’t try to run from me. I love you, so please trust me.”

The younger man looked warily at his husband before shutting his eyes tightly. “Craig made me come every time. He forced me to and it made me feel shitty. Nicky knows I came during it. He’s not stupid and he’s certainly not innocent anymore. He knew exactly what they were doing to me just by the sounds I made.”

“He told you this?”

Neal nodded. “Peter, I feel so weak. When Craig took me alone, he shoved me down on the floor sometimes. He’d wrap the chains around my arms to bind them in front of me and get…get…” Neal swallowed harder. “He _plugged_ me when he did it the first few times so he could mess with it and make me suck his dick.” Peter felt horrified. Trying to imagine how all of this must’ve felt to Neal was severely painful. “It fucking hurt. And then he’d leave me like that after he came in my mouth. I hid it from Nicky because I sure as hell didn’t want him to try to help me get it out. I was disgusted. Asking him to get that damn thing out of my ass would’ve made me feel so much worse. I don’t know how he can still bear to look at me.”

Peter squeezed Neal’s hands, wanting to kiss his husband all over. “You’re his daddy. He doesn’t think you’re weird or weak or _whatever._ He wanted to help you, Neal. You were saving his life while they nearly took yours. He loves you to death because you were so dedicated to protecting him.”

“Fine. He was grateful to me for doing that. How can _you_ look at me after hearing this?”

“You didn’t want any of this. I know what kind of man you are when it comes to your heart and your body. You asked if we could try to use a few toys over the last couple of years and we did try, but we stopped as soon as you became uncomfortable. I know you’re not into that at all.” Neal frowned at him. “Neal, I’m not going to fall out of love with you. You can tell me everything they did to you. It fuels my hatred of them and makes me love you more. You suffered so immensely, but you’re still here with me and our children.” Neal rubbed his eyes with the backs of his hands, nodding silently. “You’re beautiful, Neal. I love you and so do our children. Nicky has always loved you and the twins are just beginning to show you they love you, too.”

Neal blinked a few times before tentatively moving. Their hands disconnected and Neal climbed into Peter’s lap, resting his head on Peter’s shoulder. “I’m sorry that this keeps happening. I’m really trying to keep all of this in, but I…can’t handle it. I really need you, Peter.”

Peter kissed Neal’s hair, smiling sadly at the younger man. “I’ll always be right here when you need me. Always. I love you with all of my heart and I’m never leaving your side.” Neal held the arm Peter wrapped around him and sniffled. “You never need to be afraid to talk to me about any of this. There will never be a moment when I tell you to stop talking because I don’t want to listen or because I don’t understand. I’m trying to understand—and I’ve been trying to feel the way they made you feel.” Neal’s fingers slid over Peter’s arm slowly. He sincerely trusted everything Peter was telling him. “I will drop everything I’m doing for you, Neal. I don’t like watching you cry or suffer in silence. I’m your husband, so let me help you.”

“I love you,” Neal whispered, sounding like he was on the verge of crying.

Peter laughed lightly, rubbing Neal’s back with his hand that he’d draped around Neal’s waist. “I love you, baby. I will _always_ love you.” Neal was trying to believe that. He’d believed Peter before all of this and he wanted their relationship to go back to the way it’s always been. He wanted to someday be able to face his fears and make love with Peter again. He knew not to even consider asking. He was very much aware of the fact that he was nowhere near ready to get into bed and make love with his husband. Peter would never say yes to him unless he was sure Neal would be all right. Neal was thankful for Peter’s respect because he sure as hell hadn’t received any respect while he was gone for two weeks. He really wished they’d killed him at times, but Peter made him feel like he was worth living. Peter was so damn good at reminding Neal that Neal isn’t alone anymore. Neal knew he needed to listen to his husband and his loved ones. Jon and Hannah were there to show him they love him as much as Peter does. Their children were conveying all of their love for him when he was around. The twins giggled a bit and were eager to play with him while Nicky wanted to cuddle up with Neal on the couch to watch a movie or he’d ask Neal to stay in bed with him for a while until he could get to sleep.

Neal was so afraid of everything that happened to him because he knew it could happen again. Even with Peter’s promises that he’d find those sick bastards, Neal feared for his and his family’s life. His fears were able to melt away when Peter held him close like this. It was something Neal really appreciated because Peter knew how to convey his love and respect on a very intimate level without physical means. That meant so much to him and he sincerely hoped he could overcome all of this like he’d done in the past. Even though this was so much more severe and frightening than his first two instances of rape, he believed he’d break through the darkened barriers of his mind with Peter’s parents, Peter himself, and their children. “Thank you so much,” Neal whispered sincerely, holding onto the older man. He was glad he’d gotten over his aversion to marriage because he certainly wouldn’t have been able to survive this without Peter. He didn’t think he was that brave on his own. Peter always found ways of making him feel a little stronger though and he was really relying on his husband to get him through this when he felt like he was going to slip into the depths of his despair. Peter, as he always did, would save him before things became so unbearable for him.

He knew Peter would show him the meaning of true love when he began to doubt that he was deserving of love and life. Peter _will_ help him through this. He wholeheartedly believed his husband loved him enough to want to see this through and bring him back to the light where he could smile and laugh freely like he’d done before.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal and Peter go through a few things; Michael comes back into town.

Neal sat down at his desk and planted his palms atop it, closing his eyes as he breathed deeply. “Special Agent Burke,” a deep voice said, sounding slightly amused. Neal opened his eyes and gave the owner of that voice a small smile. “How does it feel to be in the bureau again?”

Peter sat down on the edge of Neal’s desk. “It’s been almost three months since the last time I was here,” Neal said quietly. “I feel really out of place, but I think I’ll adapt.”

“Just keep in mind that I’m at your beck and call,” Peter said softly.

The younger man chuckled. “When aren’t you, my loving and very overprotective husband?”

Peter rested his hand on Neal’s, sighing quietly. “It’s good to see you behind the desk again.”

“I’d rather be here than stay at home with the bedroom door locked,” Neal murmured. “When you go to work and I’m home alone, I don’t feel safe. I know that I’m okay while I’m here with you.”

“I know, hon.” Neal glanced down at their hands before returning his gaze to his husband. “You all right?”

Neal nodded. “Yeah. Just…” He gave Peter a half smile. “I’m thinking about…us.”

“I’m intrigued,” Peter said, raising an eyebrow. Neal laughed lightly, shaking his head. “Oh, come on, honey. I’d love to know what you’re thinking.” Part of him kept wondering if Neal was putting on a front for him. He wouldn’t be surprised if that were the case. Neal’s been surprisingly _fine_ for the past few weeks. Peter always woke up when Neal slid out of bed after what Peter assumed was a nightmare, but Neal just smiled and crawled back into bed after spending a few minutes alone in their bedroom bathroom. He was so concerned about Neal that he was doing routine checks to see if Neal was cutting himself or not and he was pleasantly surprised to discover that Neal wasn’t cutting himself anymore.

“I know you and dad have been up to something,” Neal said quietly. Peter’s throat felt like it was constricting. He’d been trying his damnedest to keep Neal out of the loop because he knew Neal would react horribly to the fact that Peter was determined to _murder_ the monsters who’d raped Neal. “You can keep lying to me if you’d like,” he added, “or you can count me in.” Peter looked away from Neal then. He didn’t want Neal to get involved. “You don’t trust me anymore.”

Peter stood up and shook his head. “It’s not a matter of whether I trust you or not.”

“You don’t think I can handle this.”

“Don’t start, Neal. I’m not going to argue with you over this.”

Neal rose to his feet as well, staring at his husband fiercely. “I’m not a little bitch,” he hissed quietly. “I want in. I want to be there when they die. I want to be there more than you do and I’m generally not a very violent person.” Peter was about to tell Neal that he wasn’t going to allow him to join him, but Neal seemed to sense that. “I’m your husband and I’m the victim. I’m the one who was raped by them, Peter. If you deny me this…” He laughed mirthlessly. “If you deny me this, then you’ll lose me.” Peter’s eyes widened and his heart broke on his face. “The ultimate revenge for each time they violated my body,” he growled quietly, “would be killing them. If you take that away from me, you don’t give a damn about me.”

“Leave me then,” Peter bit out. “I don’t want you anywhere near this, damn it.”

“Why the hell not?”

“Because they raped you!” Neal’s face flushed as other agents turned their attention to their conversation. He breathed heavily as he stared angrily at his husband. “I don’t trust your ability to do this the right way, Neal.”

Neal scoffed at him. “There’s a right way to murder someone?”

“This conversation is over right now. We are not discussing this here.”

The younger man invaded Peter’s space, hissing, “This conversation is far from over,” before shoving past Peter to head to the elevator. Peter tried to follow him, but Neal whirled on him. “I’m going to do this my way, Peter, whether you like it or not. Do your thing and we’ll see who gets there first.”

“This isn’t a God damn competition, Neal.”

Neal shook his head. “It wasn’t until _you_ made it one.”

The elevator door opened and Peter knew something horrible was going to happen. “Neal, don’t you dare step into that elevator.”

“Try to stop me,” Neal snapped as he got in and jammed the close door button. He was so fed up with Peter trying to control everything. He understood that Peter wanted to protect him, but he wanted to be able to participate in this nonetheless. He’s the victim, so he should be involved in the takedown.

•◊•

“Funny seeing you here. How’s that ass of yours holding up?”

Neal’s teeth ground together as he stood with his arms crossed over his chest. “You know where they are, damn you. If you help me, I’ll work out some kind of agreement to lessen your sentence.”

“I highly doubt your doting husband would go for that.”

“I don’t need his permission,” Neal growled. “I’m not a child, Matthew. He’s not my master. He is my husband, but I’m in control of my life. Whether or not you help me doesn’t affect me in the slightest bit.”

Keller shrugged. “Tell me more about this agreement.”

Neal uncrossed his arms and took a seat across from Keller. “I can’t free you for good, Matthew. You’re going to serve your sentence, but I’m offering you a way out of prison with a leash.” Keller raised an eyebrow. “If you work for the FBI, you—”

“Oh. I help you bring down daddy and his bitch…just so I can become _your_ bitch?”

“If you’d let me finish,” Neal said tightly, clenching his fists. “No. You won’t become my bitch. You can work as a criminal informant, Matthew. I know you have connections. You and I did a lot of illegal things together before my son came into the picture. I know you can reach out and help our investigations. Is that such a bad price to pay to get the hell out of here? I mean, you’re pretty damn close to becoming a rape victim here already. I know Johnson’s got his eye on you. He’s a family man and he seems to have quite the affinity for you and the abuse you put your son through.”

Keller laughed at his ex-boyfriend. “It’s so like you to bring our children into this.”

“Trent is more mine than he is yours,” Neal snapped. “He calls me his dad. He never really talks about you anymore, Matthew.”

That seemed to hit something in Keller. “I may be a jackass, but he’s still my son. I do love him.”

“If you loved him, you wouldn’t have beaten him until he was scared to death of you.”

“Sorry that not all of us daddies out there can be daddy of the year like you, Caffrey.”

“ _Burke,_ ” Neal snarled. “And I’m far from being daddy of the year. You talk to Vincent, so you already know what happened.”

Matthew chuckled, nodding slowly. “We frequently discuss how nice it is to fuck you, Neal. It’s part of our father and son bond—sexing you up on a platter.” Neal was grinding his teeth again. His jaw was set firmly as he tried his best to keep himself calm. “I bet you have a lot of beauties on your body now. Craig described a few of them to me, especially the mark he left on you.”

Neal swallowed hard, closing his eyes for a brief moment. “Take my offer or leave it. I’m not going to waste my time here.”

“I’ll be _your_ consultant and I’ll help you if you let me inside.”

“That’s not up for discussion,” Neal hissed. “My body belongs to my husband, Matthew.”

Matthew grinned at the younger man. “Do you want my help?” Neal didn’t answer. “We’ll fuck one last time for good measure and I’ll be a good partner. I’ll show you the way to our daddy and his bitch while you keep a tight grip on my leash.”

“You want me to cheat on my husband,” Neal said. Matthew just kept grinning and Neal hit the table as he stood. “Sex isn’t part of this agreement. He understands that I was raped against my will. If I let you fuck me, I’m cheating on him and I refuse to do that to him after everything he’s done for me.” Matthew shrugged. “You can rot in hell for all I care. You’re a piece of shit, Matthew. I’m not fucking up my marriage just so you’ll help me. I’m perfectly capable of ruining my marriage without your involvement.”

“You seriously won’t let me shove you against a wall or down on a bed and make sweet love to you? Is _that_ such a bad price to pay to get what you want?”

Neal laughed at his ex-boyfriend. “You and making love do not equate in the slightest, Matthew. You forced me into a threesome on multiple occasions. How is that making love when two of you are fucking me? I haven’t let my husband make love to me since he rescued me. What the hell makes you think I’ll let you touch me like that before I let my husband touch me?”

“You told me yourself that he isn’t involving you. What kind of husband is he? He—”

“That man loves me more than you’ve ever loved _yourself._ He knows my sexual past and he’s still devoted his life and heart to me. If he doesn’t involve me, I’ll involve myself forcefully. I certainly don’t need you.” He turned to face the guard, silently nodding to let the guard know he wanted out. “No one is ‘making love’ to me unless he’s my husband, Matthew, so that point is moot. If you change your mind, by all means, do contact me. Otherwise, rot in hell. Become a rape victim and finally understand the hell I’m currently living.”

The guard opened the door for Neal and Neal was about to step out. “When can I become this informant of yours?”

Neal turned slightly, giving his ex-boyfriend a curious look. “I need time to put paperwork and such in. You’ll get a tracking anklet with this little agreement, too, just so you know.”

“Put all of this together and we’ll talk, Neal.”

The younger man nodded, finally stepping out.

•◊•

Peter stared up at Neal after reading the file Neal dropped onto his desk. “Why?” he asked brokenly.

“Because,” Neal responded quietly. “You’re keeping me out of this and I can’t do this alone.”

“So you’re turning to Keller?”

Neal glared. “Well, my husband isn’t on my side.” Peter looked down at his desk and Neal sighed quietly. “I’m sorry. I’m being an ass and there’s really no excuse.”

“If you want in, I’ll let you in,” Peter whispered. “I didn’t want to involve you because I’m afraid of what it’ll do to you. On the flipside, I’m more afraid of them finally killing you if you do this on your own—or with Keller, for that matter.” He met Neal’s gaze sadly. “I love you too much, Neal. I wish you’d understand that I’m trying to protect you.”

The younger man sat down in the chair in front of Peter’s desk. He leaned forward and rested his hands atop Peter’s. “I do understand. I just don’t want you pushing me away. They hurt me, Peter. I want to be there when they’re destroyed.”

Peter flipped his hands to hold Neal’s. “I’m afraid of the way you’ll look at me. Neal, all I’ve wanted to do since you first told me Vincent raped you was kill him. When I saw what Craig did to you, I wanted him dead as well. This time, I truly plan on killing them.” He glanced down at their hands and closed his eyes. “I shouldn’t want to kill them, but putting them behind bars isn’t sufficient enough. Vincent stole your innocence and forced you to submit to him in fear. Craig is just a monster. I never want them to hurt you again and I know I failed you when I told you I’d never let them touch you again. Neal, I promised I’d protect you and—”

“—I ran off on my own. You didn’t break your promise to me, Peter.” Peter shook his head, telling himself that it was his fault that Neal had been raped again. “Peter, I know you would’ve protected me if I’d told you what was going on. It’s my own fault.”

“Do you understand—?”

“Do _you_ understand _me?_ ” Neal interjected. Peter stared long and hard at his husband before nodding. He blamed himself for both Neal’s second and third rape, but Neal would never admit that it was Peter’s fault. Neal didn’t want Peter to hold that over his own head. “You have been nothing but reassuring, supportive, and loving since Nicky and I came back. You’re not at fault for what happened and I’d never even try to pin this on you. I made a decision and the consequences of that were _my_ fault.”

Neal gave his husband a small smile that Peter couldn’t resist. “All right, hon. I believe you.”

“Thank you,” Neal whispered. “Don’t hurt yourself because I did something reckless. If I brought you in, they might’ve killed Nicky. I was too afraid to tell you for that reason alone, Peter. That’s my baby and I don’t want to be responsible for his premature death.” Neal’s heart hurt just talking about this. He always hated thinking that there may be an instance in which he’d survive his son’s life. He couldn’t even imagine how painful burying his son would be and he prayed he’d never have to go through that. In all honesty, he believed that was so much worse than being raped. “He hasn’t had the chance to find his true love and make a life for himself. Whether he’s gay or straight, I want grandchildren from him. He needs to live past his teenage years and I don’t know if I’d be able to live with myself if he died.”

Peter lifted Neal’s left hand and kissed his wedding ring. “He’ll live to find his love and have children of his own because of you, Neal. No one ever said you needed to give yourself up to them. You’re the kind of father who would give his life for his children and that’s something I really love about you.” Neal’s eyes were watering as he smiled sadly at his husband. “Nicky loves you so much, Neal. You’ve always been there to protect him. He’s alive right now because of you and I know he’ll never forget what you put yourself through to ensure he lived.” Neal lowered his head a bit and shut his eyes tightly as tears slid down his face. “I know I’ll never forget what you did for me,” Peter whispered. “We weren’t even engaged when you gave yourself up for me. You are the most loving man I have ever met, Neal, and you’ve been through so much that could have changed you forever. You would have let them kill you to save me or Nicky. Both of us love you dearly, Neal George, and we’re both very grateful to you because you’re the reason we’re alive.”

Neal got up and Peter felt for a brief moment that he’d said something to piss Neal off, but he was surprised when Neal came around the desk and pulled him up, subsequently pulling him into a tight hug. “I love you both so damned much. If I lost you, I know I’d never find another man to love me the way you do.” Peter rubbed Neal’s back and kissed his neck gently as Neal held onto the back of his suit jacket tightly. “After being raped as a teenager and going through so many shitty relationships, you showed me love does exist out there. Not only did you fall in love with me, but you fell in love with my son. No one else would have been able to do that. No one else would have stayed with me once they saw him. Nicky is my life and you accepted him and loved him like he was your own son. From the moment you came into our lives and showed us both that you loved us, I knew there would never be anyone else. I knew we would stay together and I’m so thankful that I was right. I’d give my life for my family because I love you and our children so damn much. Giving up my body is worthwhile if I don’t have to forfeit your lives.”

“You’re a damn good man,” Peter whispered, closing his eyes.

•◊•

Neal stood by the door with his arms crossed over his chest as he waited. Nicky was in the living room playing with the twins and he was smiling to himself as he listened to the three of them. As soon as the doorbell rang, Neal was pulling the door open. “Hey, big bro.”

Michael and Neal both laughed as they hugged in the doorway. “Hey, kid,” he whispered to his brother before they separated. He glanced over Michael’s shoulder and smiled. “Hey, Mel. Good to see you again.”

“You, too, Neal,” she said with a smile.

Neal motioned for them to both come in. “Peter,” Neal called out. Peter made a sound of acknowledgement from the kitchen. “Mike and Mel are here.”

Peter came out a few moments after the three stepped into the living room. Michael and Peter hugged briefly, exchanging greetings. Peter hugged Mel afterwards and smiled at her when they parted. “We’ve missed you guys around here.”

“That’s what happens when my little jerk of a brother decides he wants to move,” Neal murmured.

Michael chuckled. “I told you that was temporary. We’re both back here now.”

“Oh, my God. Are those the twins?” Mel asked, sounding awed as she saw Joey and Brie. Peter smiled as she walked over to them and knelt beside Nicky to smile at the babies. The older man followed her, leaving Neal and Michael.

Michael glanced sideways at his older brother. “Haven’t heard from you very much,” Michael said quietly. “I mean, we’ve emailed a bit, but you never really talk about _you._ It’s always Peter or the kids.”

Neal smiled sadly. “Things with me haven’t been all that great, but they’re…getting better.” Michael gave him a concerned look. “I’m all right. Did Peter tell you?” The younger man nodded slowly, taking his brother’s right hand in his. “My body’s healed since then, which is nice. Everything with my body is pretty much back to normal now.”

“And your sex life is…still on hold?” Neal raised an eyebrow at his brother. “I’m just asking. I know how abstinent you were when this happened before. I’ve been worried about you, but I’m glad you’re looking better than Peter initially described.”

“Peter’s just as amazing as he was after all that I went through with Craig. He’s taking care of me and making sure I know he loves me and he’s done everything he can to make sure I’m comfortable with him. Honestly, he doesn’t have to try all that hard. He’s my husband, so it’s not like I’m going to run away from him.”

Michael shrugged a bit. “You tend to do that when you’re afraid,” Michael said tentatively. Neal nodded, knowing that was true. “I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. You’re the main reason I wanted to come home.” Neal’s brows furrowed as he stared at his brother. “First of all, I missed seeing all of you. Secondly, I know you’re going through a really rough time and I wanted to be here to help out even though Jon and Hannah have been in town.”

“I appreciate that, Mike,” he said quietly. “Your texts, emails, and our occasional phone calls have helped just so you know.”

The younger man pulled Neal into a gentle hug. “I love you, Neal. I’m really sorry that I haven’t reached out to you as much as I want to. I’m a pretty bad brother, aren’t I?”

Neal chuckled, rubbing Michael’s back. “Nah. You’ve got your life with Mel to focus on. Things here are okay. I’ve got a wonderful hubby with our wonderful children here. Jon and Hannah are extremely sweet for staying with us thing long.” Michael squeezed Neal, resting his chin on Neal’s shoulder. “I’ll be fine eventually. Peter’s been asking me if I want to go back to my group therapy again and I’m considering a different route that I can involve Nicky in.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah,” Neal said quietly. “He… He was there with me when it happened.” Michael’s eyes widened as he pulled back to stare at his brother sympathetically. “They didn’t do anything to him, but he’s still traumatized. His nightmares are always about me and he’s been having pretty bad separation anxiety. It’s so bad that I’ve had to get him out of school early because he’s having a panic attack.” Michael glanced at his nephew who looked anything but traumatized at the moment. He knew from his experience with Neal that traumatized people don’t always act as such. “I want to start a support group for children who’ve witnessed or experienced some sort of abuse. Watching him suffer makes me realize that I do wish I’d had a support group when I was his age and I want him to know he’s not alone. Trent’s been trying to help him as much as he can, but there’s only so much that can be done.”

“God,” Michael whispered. “Poor kid.” He glanced at his brother again, finding the older man’s gaze focusing sorrowfully on his son. “He’s got you, Peter, and Trent. I see where you’re coming from though. Knowing there are other kids out there who went through something similar might help him come to terms with what happened.”

Neal nodded slowly. “And I just want to offer support for kids who need it,” he whispered. “Trent was abused by his father before. He’s been okay since befriending Nicky, but he’s always afraid whenever Matthew is mentioned by his mother.” Michael knew something was really bothering Neal the moment he saw a tear slide down his brother’s face. “I never meant for Nicky to be hurt like this. I tried to protect him and he was still hurt. Every time he looks at me, I know he wants to cry.”

“Neal, don’t punish yourself,” Michael quietly pleaded. “You’re both alive. He doesn’t have to live without his dad and you don’t have to live without your son. You’ve gotten better before and I know you’re strong enough to pull through.”

“How much did Peter tell you?”

“He told me Vincent and Craig were involved. I can’t imagine how scary it was to wait for one of them to come after you every time.”

Neal tensed. “You think it was always individually?” Michael gave him another concerned look. “Sometimes it was. Most of the time, they were both… You know what I’m getting at, right?”

Michael looked horrified. “Holy shit,” he said quietly, shocked. “Jesus Christ. You’ve really survived something truly terrible, Neal.”

“I know,” Neal whispered. Peter looked back at Neal and there was worry in his eyes. Neal gave him a small smile and tried to reassure Peter that he was all right. Peter kept his eyes on Neal a few moments longer before nodding, turning his attention back to their children. Neal turned to his brother and sighed. “I wouldn’t have been able to survive this without Peter,” he admitted. “I’ve been really afraid to talk to him about what happened, but he’s…” Neal sighed and smiled. “He’s one in a million, Mike. I’m not sure if there’s anyone else out there who’d stay with me after all of this. I don’t want to find out though. Peter’s been great. I feel bad that we haven’t done anything in bed together in a few months, but he’s… He’s never once brought up sex. Peter won’t pressure me or guilt me into wanting to do something.”

“You certainly grabbed that perfect one,” Michael said softly. “I’m really glad he’s your husband. I can’t see him leaving you at any point and that’s fantastic. You deserve someone who’s dedicated to you and you’ve found that in Peter.”

Michael and Neal sat down on the couch. Neal watched his husband play with the twins and Nicky. His lips twitched into a slight smile when Peter tickled Nicky. Hearing his son giggle like that made his heart flutter. He was thrilled because Peter was the one making Nicky giggle. “Poppa!” Nicky cried out through his giggles.

Peter chuckled, letting up. He leaned over Nicky and kissed the teenager’s forehead. “I love your laugh, buddy,” Peter whispered. He poked Nicky’s stomach playfully. “I’m gonna get you to laugh at least once a day if I have to. If you don’t want me to tickle you every day, you better find something amusing,” he teased.

Nicky smiled lovingly at Peter and Neal caught it. The love he saw between them made him want to cry. He truly loved this. Peter was just perfect when it came to Nicky. He had the slightly strict edge about him, but he loved Nicky as much as Neal does. “I like when you tickle me,” Nicky said, grinning. “All you do now is play with the babies.”

“I didn’t think you’d want to play with your old man anymore,” Peter said, raising an eyebrow.

The teenager swatted Peter’s arm and Neal chuckled. “You’re my poppa. I’m still a kid. I want to play with you.”

Neal’s heart nearly leapt out of his chest when Peter jumped at Nicky and started kissing his face while tickling him mercilessly. Nicky’s laughter was contagious and the adults around him soon joined in. The last time Peter was this playful with Nicky had to have been a couple years ago. Nicky, as he grew up, wanted to be treated like a young man rather than a kid, but he was still a kid deep down and he admitted that to Peter.

When Peter broke away to let Nicky catch his breath while laughing, Peter turned a bit to meet Neal’s loving gaze. Peter looked like his heart stopped when he took in the sight of Neal’s soft smile and the light in his blue eyes. He pushed himself up from the floor and moved closer to Neal, kneeling in front of the younger man. He rested his hands on Neal’s thighs and Neal caressed Peter’s cheeks before kissing his husband gently.

Not too long thereafter, Peter and Neal put the twins to bed together. Neal tucked Joey into his crib and smiled a little as Joey made a small sound while turning in his sleep. He wasn’t entirely surprised when Peter’s arms slid around his waist. “Thank you,” he whispered, resting his hands atop Peter’s, “for making Nicky laugh like that. It’s been too long since he was able to do that and I really appreciate that you were the one to do it.”

Peter kissed Neal’s cheek. “He’s our baby,” Peter said softly. “I want to make him happy as much as I want to make you happy, honey.”

“You did a very good job at that,” Neal commented. The older man tentatively kissed Neal’s neck, gently sucking on his skin. Neal moaned quietly at first and then he felt Vincent’s dry, chapped lips instead of Peter’s soft lips. He shuddered and pleaded, “Stop.”

Peter backed off immediately, resting his hands on Neal’s waist. “I’m so sorry,” Peter said hurriedly. “I didn’t mean—”

Neal breathed quickly as he whispered, “Just wait.” He closed his eyes and turned to face his husband. Neal opened his eyes a bit to look into his husband’s eyes and he slid his hands down Peter’s torso, gently lifting his shirt to slide his hands up Peter’s abdomen, up to his chest where he could feel Peter’s scar. Peter didn’t say a word as Neal grounded himself to reality. Peter knew Neal needed to do this part on his own. “Okay,” Neal whispered after sliding his fingers over the scar a few times.

“I’m really sorry, angel. I didn’t mean to throw you back to that.”

Neal shook his head, wrapping his arms around Peter. “It’s not your fault. You’re just being you and I’m…just being me.”

Peter kissed Neal’s jaw, rubbing the younger man’s back. “Don’t ever worry about this,” Peter said firmly. “I’m relieved that you told me to stop. I never want to push you out of your comfort zone and I’m glad you let me know when I did.”

“This isn’t fair,” Neal said petulantly. “They keep ruining this—everything romantic with you. We haven’t had sex in a while and now you can’t even kiss my neck without sending me spiraling backwards.”

“Neal, baby, it’s honestly okay. I know it’ll take time for you to recover and I’ll be here through it all. There’s nowhere else I’d rather be. I’m perfectly content with the love of my life and our beautiful family.” Neal sighed and Peter squeezed his husband. “If you don’t want me to blame myself, then you damn well better not pin the blame on yourself either, my love.”

“I know it isn’t my fault—kind of.” Peter was grinding his teeth a bit, wishing he could finally convince Neal that he wasn’t at fault for this. Neal was only doing what he thought was right. Protecting his son came before all else and he’d done that at his own risk. Peter would never tell Neal that he was at fault because he willingly gave those monsters his body. No, Peter would always blame them for being monsters who craved Neal’s pain and suffering. They craved the destruction of Neal’s body and willpower. They loved to see him fall apart and they loved to rip him apart from the inside out. Peter despised them for wanting to hurt someone who’d never deserved any of this. Even if Neal wasn’t the man he is right now, he still wouldn’t deserve this. Peter didn’t think anybody deserved to be raped time and time again against their will for the rapists’ entertainment.

Peter wished that someone would rape Vincent and Craig to make them feel the way they made Neal feel. He’d pay to watch them endure rape and he’d enjoy it. Thinking like this made him ill at ease. He isn’t supposed to want revenge and he certainly isn’t the kind of man to wish something as truly terrible as rape on someone else. He isn’t like Fowler. He wouldn’t hire someone to rape the people he wanted revenge against. Neal would never be able to look at him the same if he ever did that, even if it was done to the bastards who abused Neal’s body repeatedly. Neal loved that Peter was a kind, gentle, sweet man. If Peter became the kind of man who hired rapists for revenge, Neal would leave him. He would have become as much of a monster as Vincent and Craig and that thought made him sick. Losing Neal was a hard enough thought as it was. Becoming that kind of sick monster twisted his stomach entirely.

“You’re innocent,” Peter whispered in Neal’s ear. “Never tell yourself otherwise, Neal.”

Both men returned to the living room downstairs to sit with Nicky, Michael, and Mel. Neal intertwined his fingers with Peter’s as a result of their conversation upstairs following tucking the twins into their cribs. He really needed to hear Peter tell him he was innocent in all of this because he really doubted that. Sometimes, he told himself he was just begging for this to happen again. “Uncle Mikey said he’s gonna be living with Auntie June and Uncle Mozzie again,” Nicky announced happily after his fathers got comfortable on the couch.

“Fortunately, June loves you and Mozzie has learned to at least mildly like you,” Peter teased. “It’s nice to be able to come back to town with the promise of a roof over your head. June is a beautiful woman.”

The conversation in the living room was light, even as Nicky switched couches and laid himself on his father. His head rested on Neal’s chest and Neal’s arms wound around him protectively. Peter stroked Nicky’s hair until Nicky fell asleep on top of Neal. “He’s pretty clingy to you,” Michael commented after watching his brother and nephew. He understood why Nicky wanted to be so close to Neal though.

“For good reason,” Peter answered, meeting Neal’s eyes. “I’d act the same way if I were him. You’re a very easy man to love, Neal.” Neal gave his husband a small smile, his cheeks heating up. “He loves Neal a hell of a lot, especially after all they went through together,” Peter added quietly.

Mel curled up against Michael’s side, hoping that she and Michael could have a bond as strong as what Neal and Peter seemed to have.

Neal ended up carrying Nicky upstairs haphazardly around two in the morning. Michael and Peter started drinking and Neal really wasn’t in the mood to watch his husband and brother act like drunken idiots, so he decided to put his son to bed. “Dad?” Nicky whispered as Neal was laying him down. Neal glanced at Nicky’s face. “I love you a lot.”

“I love you, too, kiddo,” Neal whispered. “More than you’ll ever know.” He kissed Nicky’s forehead and left, heading back to his own bedroom to wait for his husband to drunkenly stumble up the stairs. Reaching over towards his nightstand, he pulled a book out and decided to occupy himself while he was alone for the moment.

He had no idea how much time had passed between opening his book and waking up to feel Peter crawl into bed with him. He didn’t move, but Peter startled him when he pressed his front against Neal’s back. He gripped Neal’s hip and grinded against the younger man. Neal’s eyes flew open and his heart started racing. Peter’s hand slid over his chest, down towards his abdomen. “Mm,” Peter moaned.

Neal wasn’t entirely sure how to react. “Peter, stop,” he pleaded. Peter didn’t listen and he tried to tell himself and convince himself that it was because Peter was intoxicated. Otherwise, Peter would _never_ do this. He grabbed Peter’s hand and pried it away from him, shoving him back. “Peter, I said stop,” he whispered shakily. Peter stared up at him blearily in the dim lighting. He shoved Peter’s body backwards as well and Peter looked a little surprised. He leaned forward and tried to kiss Neal, but Neal dodged him, rolling out of bed. “You’re scaring me,” he admitted as beads of sweat formed on his neck and chest.

“I’m sorry,” Peter slurred, rubbing his forehead. “I didn’t wanna scare you.” Peter held the blanket up. “Come back, honey?” The younger man tentatively stepped closer to the bed. Once he was sure Peter wouldn’t advance on him again, he sat down and threw his legs up onto the mattress. Peter tucked the blanket in around him and scooted closer to him, resting his head on Neal’s chest. “I wanna be close to you again.”

“Sexually?” Neal asked quietly. He felt Peter nodding against him. “Maybe soon, Peter. I still need some time.”

Peter nodded again, holding Neal’s hip gently while nuzzling Neal’s chest. “I’ll always wait for you,” he whispered, yawning slightly before sighing contentedly.

“Am I really worth the wait? I mean, you could have anyone in the world and make love to them on a daily basis. With me—”

“You’re always worth it,” Peter said slowly, trying to form clear words. “I don’t wanna make love to anybody but you. I don’t want anyone else but you.” He threw his leg over Neal’s and whispered, “You’re mine. Not gonna give you up.”

Neal chuckled quietly, rubbing Peter’s arm slowly. “You always make me feel like I belong here,” he said softly. “Even when your ass is drunk, I still know I’m meant to be with you.”

“Not as drunk as you think I am,” Peter murmured. “Stupid, but not completely drunk.”

Again, Neal chuckled. “All right. You’re a brilliant man, Peter Michael Burke. Go to sleep. You’re going to have one hell of a hangover in the morning like _always._ ”

Peter nodded, snuggling closer to Neal’s body to absorb his husband’s warmth. He may be the bigger and bulkier of the two, but Neal was always so damn warm and Peter loved that. Even in his mixed up, confused state, he knew he’d misstepped his boundaries with Neal in bed for a brief moment. He could recognize that in his addled mind. Neal means the world to him and seeing Neal afraid of him for that very brief time made realization dawn on him. He needed to be more careful. Drunk or not, there was no excuse to pressure his husband in even the most subtle of ways. “Love you, Neal,” Peter said quietly, smiling as he spoke. Neal chuckled for the third time, smiling to himself as well while he told Peter he loved him just as much. Neal was all right because he knew Peter respected him regardless of the state one or both of them was in. He believed Peter was an idiot for getting drunk or at least slightly intoxicated, but Peter was still a gentleman after Neal went into a slight panic.

The older man knew he needed to take Neal’s feelings and fears into consideration. It was tough to make Neal trust him routinely, but it would be even harder with the addition of alcohol. Fortunately, Peter wasn’t an alcoholic. This was just a brief lapse in his judgment because Michael came in and wanted to drink a bit. As his head rose and fell with Neal’s even breaths during the night, he found himself determined to keep them both on the straight and narrow. No alcohol for either of them, especially Neal. Cutting himself was bad enough—so was the forced vomiting—and Peter didn’t want Neal to turn to alcohol to solve his problems or at least help them fade into the background a bit.

He needed to take care of Neal. Neal and their children are his first priority. A little fun on the side with alcohol should never have become a factor and he promised himself he’d abstain from drinking until he and Neal could celebrate the deaths of those two bastards who didn’t deserve to live another day. When they were gone, he and Neal would be just fine. There would be no looking over their shoulders to see if anyone were following them and there would be no more mysterious calls leading Neal into a situation in which his body was abused.

Peter whispered his love for Neal once more before falling asleep to the sound of Neal’s beating heart.


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nicky gets into trouble; Peter surprises Neal.

Peter slid his arms around Neal, holding him close. The feeling of Neal’s bare skin against his was something he’d truly missed. Neal sat between his legs with bubbles surrounding them. “It’s been a while since we did this,” Neal whispered, closing his eyes as he turned his head to the side a bit. “I figured this is one step in the right direction regarding our lovemaking even if we’re not doing something just yet.”

The older man gave the back of his husband’s head a very stern glare. “Neal George Burke,” he said firmly. Neal’s back tensed as he turned a bit to look up at Peter. He immediately bit his lip when he saw the expression on Peter’s face. “Don’t you dare think we have to have sex anytime soon. I’m lucky to have you here with me right now. Hugging, kissing, and sleeping beside you satisfy me.”

“What if I want to have sex with you?”

Peter raised an eyebrow. “I’ve been with you for almost five years. If you think I don’t know you by now, you’re crazy. That slight tremor in your voice is also very telling.” He kissed Neal’s jaw. “Taking a bath with you is nice, but that doesn’t mean we have to start having sex again.”

“Our marriage is going to suffer if we don’t,” Neal said miserably.

“Do you really think I’m that starved for sex?” Peter asked incredulously. He watched his husband practically shrink in either embarrassment or guilt and it made Peter sigh. “I just love being with you, Neal. I love looking at you and talking to you. I’m perfectly fine with immediately going to sleep with you when we’re in bed.” He rubbed Neal’s abdomen slowly. “I won’t lie and tell you that I’m not interested in making love to you ever again. I really do want to make love to you again someday, but I’m able to wait. Seeing you alive and in front of me is the best thing in the world, Neal. We aren’t physically intimate right now, but you’re alive. Because you’re alive, we have time to make love together again. I don’t care how long it takes. I’ll never order you to get on your back or mount yourself on top of me so I can get off. Baby, you and your body are important to me. I want you to be comfortable in your own skin again and I want you to just relax.” Neal nodded slowly, meeting Peter’s eyes now. “In case you forgot, I’m Peter. I’m the one who’ll never pressure you into doing something you don’t want to do or something that makes you uncomfortable. I’m the one who _loves_ you for your heart and personality above all else.”

Neal nodded. “I know. I’m sorry, Peter.” Peter rubbed bubbles over Neal’s chest as Neal whispered, “I know you’re my Peter. I just… You know me.”

“I do,” Peter agreed. “I know how high you set expectations for yourself, my love. Don’t reach for heights you can’t manage right now. When the time is right, I’ll be right at your side and I’ll personally lift you to reach what’s just out of range.”

Neal chuckled. “Somehow, I found a sex pun in that.”

Peter swatted Neal’s stomach playfully. Neal leaned back against him and Peter nuzzled his cheek against Neal’s head. His hands were resting on Neal’s stomach and Neal lifted his hands to place them over Peter’s. The younger man’s eyes were closed and he was smiling. “It’s nice to be this close to you,” Peter whispered. “We’re close in bed, but you haven’t…felt comfortable without your clothes. I like skin to skin contact with you because you’re so warm.”

“You’ve seen me naked since I came back.”

“When you’re dressing yourself after taking a shower alone,” Peter murmured. “All that lingerie you haven’t worn in months… Those poor things are missing your beautiful manliness and that sweet ass of yours.”

Neal chuckled, nodding. “Yeah. Well, I’ll get back into them soon just for you.”

Peter kissed Neal’s wet hair. “Don’t get me wrong. Boxers are sexy on you, but I really like how the lingerie looks.” He paused deliberately, smiling as he added, “Pretty much everything is sexy on you, darling.”

“I’ll feel comfortable soon, babe. I mean, I could probably start tonight.”

“There’s really no rush. I’m just messing with you, honey,” Peter said hurriedly.

Neal rolled his eyes. “I’ll honestly admit that I’m not one hundred percent comfortable going to bed naked just yet, but I can go to bed in my underwear and I’ll probably be okay.”

Peter kissed just below Neal’s ear. “I won’t push you to do anything you’re not ready to do.”

They got out twenty minutes later when the water started to chill them. Neither of them worried about walking around naked since it was so late at night and they were a very short distance from their bed. Neal guided Peter out of the bathroom and jumped just as he opened the door, finding his son sleeping in their bed. “Jesus,” Neal whispered as he relaxed. “Good thing I decided I’m still wearing _something_ to bed,” he added as he headed over to his dresser to grab his lingerie. Peter smirked at his husband, grabbing briefs from his own dresser. When they were both in their underwear, they met at the end of the bed. Neal wrapped his arms around Peter’s neck and Peter smiled lovingly at the younger man, holding his hips.

Peter leaned forward to press his lips against Neal’s softly, murmuring, “I love you, Neal.”

Neal smiled. “I love you.”

The older man pulled Neal onto the bed with him, watching his face to make sure he wasn’t afraid to crawl into bed with hardly any of his clothes on. He’d completely understand if Neal wanted to get a shirt and some pants. He waited until Neal plopped down onto the middle of the mattress before lying down behind him. Peter draped his arm over Neal’s waist and Neal held Nicky close. “Sleep well, baby,” Peter whispered, kissing Neal’s shoulder as Neal started to drift off.

•◊•

Neal dropped down into his chair and rolled closer to his desk phone, picking it up. “Special Agent Neal Burke speaking,” he answered.

“ _Hi, Mister Burke. This is a call from Ascension regarding your son, Nicolas._ ”

His eyes widened a bit. “Is my son okay?”

The woman on the other end hesitated. “ _He and another student got into a physical fight during the lunch period today and were both suspended. He’s a bit bruised and specifically told me to call you. The other boy’s parents are on their way here if you’re able to join us as well._ ”

Neal mouthed ‘son of a bitch’ as he dropped his forehead into his palm. “Yeah. I’ll be there soon.” The call ended and he sighed heavily, opening his email. Peter was on the phone and he didn’t want to interrupt, so he sent him a quick email. “Hey, love. Sounds like Nick got into trouble at school. Principal called and asked me to head over. Promise you I’m only going to the school for this and then I’ll come back.”

While Neal was grabbing his jacket and slipping his phone into his pocket, his email pinged and he opened Peter’s message. “ _Okay, hon. I want lunch with you when you get back. Sound good? I love you, baby. Hope everything with Nicky’s okay._ ”

Neal glanced up at his husband’s office and smiled at him. Peter returned the smile and nodded at Neal. The younger man closed the browser and headed over to the elevators. He waited until the doors opened before stepping in and headed down to the first floor. He headed to the lot to grab the Taurus, flipping through his keys to grab the right one. He unlocked the door and slid in, locking the doors while he slid the key into the ignition.

Upon arriving at Ascension, Neal glanced around and saw that everything here seemed calm. As he neared the office, however, that wasn’t the case. He could hear Nicky raising his voice, so he sped up, barging through the door as soon as he could. Nicky froze and met his father’s eyes fearfully. Neal’s brows furrowed and he glanced at the other boy’s parents and the principal. “Daddy, I—”

“I don’t want apologies, Nick,” he said quietly. “I want to know what’s going on.”

The boy’s mother angrily spat, “Your _child_ says my son was acting homophobic. My baby would never say anything cruel about another person.”

Neal scoffed. “And my son wouldn’t act this way unless your baby was saying homophobic things.”

“I don’t even know who’s homosexual,” she said, rolling her eyes.

“That would be me and my husband,” Neal stated firmly. She looked at him blankly. “Nick, what was he saying to you?”

“Can I say it?” Neal looked confused, but nodded. “He called you a fag, dad. He said you’re making me gay just because I’m always with Trent.” Nicky glared at the other boy. “He said you’re a bad dad because you and poppa sleep together.”

Neal was floored as he stared at his son. The other boy’s father looked just as stunned. “Is this true, Derek?”

The boy, Derek, looked at Neal and laughed. “Look at him. He looks like a girl.” Neal didn’t say anything to that. He really didn’t feel the need because he’d been told repeatedly through his life that he had feminine characteristics to his appearance and he really didn’t care anymore. “Heard a teacher say Dicky was kept out because you got screwed.”

“Excuse me?” he said, raising his voice a bit. “That is _not_ my son’s name and I really don’t care what you think of me. Nick was kept out of school for personal reasons that aren’t any of your concern.”

“He wasn’t screwed!” Nicky cried. “My daddy got raped and you’re a jerk! He’s not a bad dad!”

Neal’s eyes widened as he stared at Nicky again. He felt so embarrassed. His cheeks were heating up immensely under the scrutiny of the boy’s parents. The father looked sympathetic, but the mother looked like she wouldn’t touch Neal with a ten foot pole. “Nicolas James Burke,” he hissed. “You are _not_ allowed to discuss things that happened to me while you’re here.”

Nicky pleaded with Neal. “But he was saying those things about you and he thought you wanted it just because it was another guy and you’re gay!”

“Let him think that then,” Neal bit out. “You know better, Nicolas—or at least I thought you did.” Nicky frowned as Neal turned to the principal. She immediately apologized to him. “I’m sorry for my son’s actions. I’ll see to it that he learns not to act like this anymore.”

“Damn right,” the mother muttered.

Neal’s teeth were grinding, but he patted Nicky’s shoulder. “C’mon, Nick.”

Nicky pouted as he stood up and took Neal’s hand, intertwining their fingers. “Look at the little fag,” Neal heard the boy say while chuckling.

Nicky was immediately enraged and Neal actually struggled to hold him back. “Nicolas, stop,” Neal demanded. “It’s not worth fighting about.”

“Yeah. Listen to your mommy.”

Neal tensed as he finally got a tight grip around his son’s torso. Nicky still fought against Neal, but Neal wasn’t letting go. “I really hope that kid is getting suspended a lot longer than my son is,” Neal growled as he forced Nicky to move away from the kid. He tugged Nicky through the office doorway and was relieved that Nicky simmered down after the boy was out of sight. “Jesus Christ, Nick. You don’t need to start fights because some idiot insulted me.”

“You have no idea how it feels to listen to that!” Nicky cried, staring up at Neal with tears in his eyes. “There are like one or two kids who accuse you of making me gay or molesting me or whatever they’re saying. A lot of them were trying to get Derek to shut up, but he kept going on and on about you like he knows you.” Neal bit his lip, hating how he could really do nothing but listen to his son and watch him cry simultaneously. “You and poppa love each other so damn much and nobody understands that you’re not some bastard trying to—”

Neal immediately interjected, “I get that you’re mad, but that’s no excuse to swear at me, Nicolas James.” Nicky lowered his gaze from Neal’s face and nodded. “Talk to me like you always do. Don’t stoop to his level and turn on me after trying to protect me. I’m your father and I really thought I raised you properly, so speak to me properly.”

Nicky nodded again. “Sorry, dad,” he whispered. “You just have no idea how much it hurts to hear someone say such cruel things about you. Nobody knows what we went through together, dad. They just assume everything wrong with me is your fault because you’re gay. I love you, daddy, and I’m proud of the fact that you’re my gay daddy. You’re gay and happy and you love me, poppa, and the babies.”

“Listen,” Neal said gently as he moved back towards the wall to get out of the walkway. He knelt in front of Nicky, holding his son’s hands. “You know all that stuff about me, Nick. You’re right when you say no one else does and so what? I love you to death and I’d do anything for you just like any good father would.” He smiled a little at Nicky. “Don’t listen to that crap, okay? You’re a good kid. Don’t let him pull you down because he knows what buttons to push. You’re such a smart boy and I know you’re sweet. You’re really protective of me and I appreciate that, but these kids don’t know me, so it shouldn’t matter that they assume the wrong things.”

“But it does matter,” Nicky said petulantly. “Trent was at my side defending you, too.”

Neal smiled a little wider at that. “I love you both for doing that for me, but it isn’t worth getting suspended over, Nick.” Nicky kept frowning, his gaze staying away from his father’s face. Neal squeezed his son’s hands, whispering, “Look at me, baby.” His smile was softer now that Nicky was looking at him. “I love you so much, Nicky, and I’m always happy to see that you love me just as much. It doesn’t matter what anyone thinks of me, okay? I’ve got you, poppa, and the little ones. That’s all I’ve ever needed. What one or two kids think of me shouldn’t matter. I’m gay and I certainly hope you don’t believe what he said about me influencing you that way. I’ve never once tried to make you something you’re not.”

“I know that, dad. You told me before that you’ll love me if I like girls and you’ll love me if I like boys.” Neal nodded. “I don’t like that people think they can just insult you.”

Neal sighed, giving his son a sad smile. “Unfortunately, poppa’s not gonna like hearing about this.”

“Don’t tell him, daddy,” Nicky pleaded.

“He already knows you got into trouble. I’m just warning you now that you’re probably going to have to talk to poppa one-on-one after dinner tonight.” Nicky looked away from Neal again. “He’s not going to be really mad, kiddo. You know poppa won’t yell at you or hit you or anything like that over this. He’ll _talk_ to you. You listen to him when he’s talking to you and he makes a lot of sense to you.”

“You think you can’t talk to me now?”

“I didn’t say that,” Neal said quickly. “Poppa’s a little better with the strictness we need in the house. I’ve always been really lenient on you. Poppa is better at scolding you and making you think about whatever you did wrong.” Neal pushed himself up to his full height and took Nicky’s hand. “There’s no reason to be afraid of poppa, kiddo. He loves you just as much as I do.”

•◊•

Neal’s gaze kept flickering between his husband and son over the dinner table. He’d cooked and cleaned because Peter was _pissed._ Peter’s eyes were closed and Neal was starting to worry that he was going to explode. He was preparing to throw himself between them when Peter finally opened his eyes and breathed heavily. “I don’t condone what you did or said, Nicolas,” Peter said gently. “I appreciate that you stood up for your father, but suspensions get put on your record. There was no reason to lash out at him physically.”

Nicky frowned. “He hit me first.”

“That doesn’t give you an excuse to hit him back,” Peter said a little more firmly. “Nicky, daddy raised you differently than that boy was raised. You respect daddy and that’s great, but dad doesn’t want you getting into any more fights at school.”

The teenager shook his head. “Poppa, you would’ve done the same thing at work if someone insulted daddy because he’s gay.”

Neal gave his husband a wary glance, knowing that was a very touchy subject for Peter because he was easily aggravated if someone made a comment about Neal on the basis of his sexuality. “I _have_ protected daddy at work when someone said something I didn’t like, but I never hit anyone because of it. You’re smarter than that kid is, Nick. You know what dad and I expect of you.”

“Be a good, little boy and pretend like nothing matters at all,” Nicky muttered under his breath.

Neal’s lips parted as Peter’s frustration rose. “That is _not_ what we expect,” he snapped. “Dad taught you to have manners and respect others. I’m not going to tell you that this doesn’t matter because I know it does. I’m not happy about what was said about daddy either.” Nicky opened his mouth to speak, but Peter kept going. “We both know you’re going to have your moments when you’re angry at someone for something they did or said, but you don’t need to be like them when you’re angry. You don’t need to resort to swearing or fighting. That’s abasing the young man you are, Nicolas. The school year is almost over and this isn’t a good way to end the year. You’re going into high school next year, kiddo.”

Nicky crossed his arms over his chest and Neal took over before Peter could get even more aggravated. “Listen to poppa,” Neal said gently. “We both know you’re a very bright and sweet kid. You’ve gotten accepted into one of the better high schools in the area, Nick, and I’m really proud of you for that. You know Derek won’t be going there. All you needed to do was walk away from the issue.”

“Of course. Your solution to everything is to just walk away,” Nicky said bitterly.

“Don’t turn against me,” Neal pleaded. “We’re trying to talk to—”

“You’re trying to control me.”

“Nicolas James,” Peter snapped.

Neal sat back and watched his son and husband argue back and forth and it was really getting on his nerves. They were both raising their voices and that was when Neal heard the babies crying through the intercom. “Knock it off,” Neal said loudly. “Brie and Joey are awake. Are you going to help me or are you staying here to bitch at each other back and forth?”

Nicky looked surprised by his father’s words and how harsh he sounded as he stared at Peter. “You know I’ll help you,” Peter whispered, pushing his chair back.

Neal slid his chair back and got up. “Nick, start your homework. We’re gonna take care of the twins and then we’ll be back down here.” He glanced at Peter. “Get their bottles. I’ll see you upstairs.” Peter nodded, heading into the kitchen. Nicky went into the living room to grab his backpack as Neal headed upstairs. He managed to grab both babies and held them against him, rocking them gently while shushing them. “Daddy’s got you,” he whispered. He could feel Brie’s fingers rubbing the fabric of his shirt while Joey lazily laid against him. “Poppa will be up in a sec.” Brie was wailing a moment later and Joey joined in. He was desperately trying to get them to settle down and it wasn’t working out very well since his usual tactic to calm them down was hindered due to the fact he was holding both of them simultaneously.

“Here,” Peter whispered, holding his arms out. Neal nodded and slid Brie into Peter’s arms, taking one of the bottles from his husband. He shifted Joey in his arms and rubbed the nipple of the bottle against his son’s lips until Joey started sucking on it. He heaved a quiet sigh of relief when the room was quiet. He watched Joey raptly, loving the feeling of holding _his_ baby in his arms. Every time he held one of them, he was thrown back to his baby days with Nicky. He smiled when he remembered how little he knew about raising a child on his own because he looked at his life in its current state and realized he knew so much more and he was no longer raising a child on his own. He was raising three children with his loving, devoted husband. Even if Peter was a bit on edge at times, Peter still loves all of their kids. “I’m sorry,” Peter finally said after several minutes of silence between them. “I shouldn’t have started arguing with Nicky. That was very childish of me and I know it upset you.”

“It’s okay,” Neal said quietly. “I just don’t like hearing you two argue.”

Once both of the twins’ diapers were changed and they were in their cribs, Neal led Peter out of the babies’ room and nearly shut the door. “Neal, I—”

“Don’t say anything. Just come with me,” Neal said quietly, nodding in the direction of their bedroom. Peter followed his husband into their bedroom and took a seat at the foot of the bed when Neal motioned for him to sit down. “I think you need to tone it down a bit when you’re scolding him,” Neal said. “You were being snippy and I understand both of your points of view. He… I didn’t tell you this when you got home, but he blatantly announced that I was raped in front of the boy, his parents, and the principal. It was so humiliating being looked at like I was some kind of freak.” He combed his fingers through his hair and breathed shakily. “He’s been trying to protect me since we were both kidnapped, Peter. I know he feels a little guilty and responsible for what happened to me, so he is easily angered when someone says something about me. You two are very alike in that aspect and that means a lot to me. I just wish you would both relax. What happened to me shouldn’t be this big of a deal and it certainly shouldn’t extend into our lives outside of this house. It shouldn’t hurt us at home either.”

Peter’s lips parted as he watched his husband start to crack. He immediately stood up and rested his hands on Neal’s hips just as Neal started to cry quietly. “Honey, I’m really sorry,” he whispered, sliding his arms around Neal’s back to hold him close. “I didn’t mean to upset you and I definitely don’t want you to upset yourself over this.”

“He told them what happened,” Neal said in between sobbing gasps. “No one is supposed to know. I don’t trust them. I don’t know what they’ll do with that information and I don’t know what’ll happen to me and Nicky because Nicky was there and he saw what could be considered a lot of porn right in front of him.”

The older man rubbed Neal’s back, kissing his neck. “Neal, don’t tell yourself it was porn. That doesn’t make it any easier.” He breathed heavily, wishing he could help Neal a lot more than this. “They can’t and won’t do anything to you. I’ll make damn sure of that. It wasn’t your fault and you tried to protect Nicky. They forced him to listen and see it all. You didn’t ask him to watch what they did to you. Neal, they can’t hold this against you because you had nothing to do with this. You tried your damnedest to protect our baby and they—”

Neal shook his head, sobbing into Peter’s shoulder. “You don’t get it. I should’ve been able to protect myself. I should’ve been able to stop this from happening. Nicky shouldn’t have been there and he wouldn’t have been if I’d even tried to act like a God damn man. I let him down and he’s suffering because of it. He’s having nightmares because of me. He’s—”

“Baby, stop,” Peter pleaded as his eyes watered. “You can’t do this to yourself, Neal. Don’t blame yourself or try to tell yourself that this wouldn’t have happened if you’d ‘tried harder.’ For all you know, lashing out at them as a form of self-defense might’ve gotten you and Nicky both killed.” Neal breathed heavily against the older man. “You’re both home and safe now. Don’t let this hurt you. What they did was painful enough. Inflicting pain on yourself will only make things worse.”

The younger man lifted his head enough to rub his eyes. “You’re right,” he whispered as he sniffled. Peter kissed his temple and slid his hands up and down Neal’s back soothingly. “You’re always right.”

•◊•

Peter tapped the edge of Neal’s desk, startling his husband. “Hey, sleeping beauty,” Peter teased. Neal rubbed his eyes and gave Peter a small smile. “Feel like helping me with a case or would you like to go back to sleep?”

“All of this paperwork is killing me. Please get me out of here.”

The older man chuckled. “We all know how much you _love_ paperwork.” He nodded towards the elevators. “C’mon, baby.”

Neal stacked his paperwork neatly before jumping up from his seat. “What’s this one entail?” he asked as they started heading for the elevators together.

Peter pressed the down button, grinning at Neal. “You’ll see.”

Neal was a bit surprised when they got into the Taurus only to have Peter hand him a blindfold. “Why do I feel like you’re taking me on some sexual field trip?”

All he got in response was a chuckle. “Put it on. I’m gonna surprise you.” Neal raised an eyebrow, but did as Peter asked. He tied the blindfold over his eyes and Peter took his hand, intertwining their fingers while he drove. They drove for about fifteen minutes and Neal spent the entirety of that time trying to prod hints out of his husband. When the car stopped, his curiosity was piqued. “I’m gonna come around and open the door to help you out. Don’t you dare lower the blindfold, my love.” Neal waited as Peter got out, shut his door, and came around to Neal’s side. He pulled Neal’s door open and gently took Neal’s hand, helping him step out of the car. Once Neal was far enough away from the car, Peter shut the door and proceeded to lead his husband forward.

“I still feel like you’re taking me somewhere to do some sexual stuff. The only time we’ve ever used blindfolds was for sex.”

Peter laughed. “Get your mind out of bed, baby,” he said, amused. Peter led him several feet across pavement before he gently stopped Neal with a hand on his chest. “All right. Honey, I took the liberty of doing something for you as a very belated birthday gift to you because I know this is something you really wanted.” Neal smiled a little at that, loving how sweet Peter was even though he had no idea what Peter was talking about. “On three, take the blindfold off.” Neal nodded. “One.” Peter squeezed Neal’s hand, his heart beating wildly as he stared at the building in front of them. “Two.” The anticipation and curiosity was beginning to kill Neal. He was dying to know what his husband did. After all, he’d covered it up by calling it a case. “Three.”

Neal lifted his hands to untie the blindfold, but Peter did it for him. He blinked a few times to refocus his vision, but looked up at the building in front of him in awe. “Peter Michael,” he said, sounding stunned. In front of him stood a building with the banner _Neal’s Net_ on its front in rainbow text.

Peter worried his lip as he watched his husband’s face. He wasn’t entirely sure if this was what Neal had in mind, but he’d tried desperately to find something he thought Neal would like. “I know it’s not the best I could do, but I think it’s—”

“Perfect,” Neal said wistfully. He looked at his husband and grinned like a child on Christmas morning. “Peter, this is perfect. How in the hell did you find it so fast?”

“I found a one floor building that had enough room for a bunch of couches and some cabinets for snacks like you talked about. Thanks to several people I called for recommendations, I was shown your options very quickly and this was honestly the best of the bunch. It’s also great because you’ve gotten a couple hits already and two of them are in wheelchairs, so it’s easily accessible by them without a ramp or too much strain to get into the building.” Neal looked at Peter like he could just love the man to bits on the spot. “You really like it?”

Neal smacked Peter’s chest playfully. “Peter, I love it. This is fantastic. Like, I didn’t even know there was an empty building I could use in the area. How did you get hits already? This is a new thing entirely.”

Peter smiled lovingly at the younger man. “You told me you were sure there were plenty of kids out there who needed help emotionally because they were involved in some instance of abuse. As it turns out, you were right. Several parents emailed the account I made for you. You’ll have to figure out the specifics and such, but I’ve got a telephone number and email account all set up for you, baby. Also, I’ve gotten you a very lovely, willing woman to assist you as your receptionist and co-group member.” Neal raised an eyebrow. “I pitched the idea to June initially and she was very enthusiastic about supporting you and your idea, so… I hope you don’t mind, but I offered her a position. She was actually one of the people who recommended you for this.”

“God. That’s perfect!” Neal looked so thrilled and it warmed Peter’s heart. He watched Neal’s eyes roam over the building. “I’ll be here for two hours a night between Monday and Friday, then I can do up to three hours on Saturday and Sunday.” He turned to Peter again. “As long as that’s okay. I mean, we have our own kids to take care of and I don’t want to abandon you while—” 

“This is yours to run with,” Peter said softly. “I gave you the push you needed. Time limits are what you want them to be. And Nicky will be here with you during sessions as long as he feels up to going. I think I can handle the twins for a few hours while you’re spending that time helping a bunch of kids who sincerely need you.”

Neal nodded, pulling Peter close for a hug as they both kept their eyes on the building. “It’s going to be non-profitable. I don’t want money for this.”

Peter kissed Neal’s hair. “I figured you’d say that. I plan on helping you pay for the utilities here because you’re doing this for a good cause, hon.”

The younger man closed his eyes for a moment before pulling away. He slid his arms around Peter’s neck, clasping his hands behind Peter. “Thank you so much,” he whispered. “This means more than you know to me, Peter.”

Peter rubbed Neal’s lower back, smiling at him. He leaned forward to kiss his husband softly, whispering, “Happy belated birthday, my love.”


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter does something unpleasant that Neal asked of him, but it's easy to forget about when they get home; Neal starts up his first session with _Neal's Net._

“Hey, Burkey. Smile, my friend.”

Peter was grinding his teeth as he kept his eyes on his husband. “I really hope you know what you’re doing,” he muttered as he leaned over to get closer to the paperwork Neal was filling out. Neal glanced sideways at him for a moment, giving him a look that Peter recognized as the ‘we will talk later’ look. Ever since they’d arrived at the penitentiary earlier in the morning, Keller’s done nothing but taunt Peter and Peter was about ready to call it quits and drag Neal out whilst leaving Keller to rot in hell. “I don’t understand why you’re releasing him after all that he did to Trent—and to you, for that matter.”

“He’s going to help _us_ find Adler and Laird,” Neal said, sighing. Peter rested his hand on Neal’s lower back when he noticed Keller leering at Neal’s ass. Neal glanced up at him again and found all the signs of his jealousy. His lips twitched into a small smile for a split second before he refocused on signing the papers. When he straightened up, he held the pen towards Peter. The older man simply stared at Neal without taking it from him. “I need you to sign this,” Neal whispered, his eyes pleading with his husband.

Peter looked at Keller once before meeting Neal’s eyes. “I’m only doing this for you,” he said firmly as he took the pen. He looked at Keller again and growled, “This is in no way supporting you, Keller. You’re a bastard and I’ll put you right back in this cell of yours if you so much as sexually harass my husband.”

Keller chuckled as Peter signed his name on the forms. “Awe, Burkey is all protective of his little guy.” Neal heard the way Keller said ‘guy’ and knew Keller was going to say something along the lines of ‘slut’ or ‘whore’ initially, but he seemed to take Peter’s threat seriously.

“Here,” Peter said bitterly as he picked up the stack of papers and pressed it against Neal’s chest. Neal bit his lip as he took the papers from Peter’s grip. Peter glanced at the Marshals who’d been waiting for them to finish their paperwork. “Take him to get fitted for his anklet. Make damn sure it can’t be removed.” Keller was led away, leaving Neal and Peter by themselves. Neal was worried about Peter’s temper. “You realize you’ve got a horny dog on a leash now, right?” Neal flinched at how angry Peter sounded and Peter noticed. “Sorry,” he said with a sigh. “I really don’t like the idea of him following you around all the time now.”

“He’s your parolee, too, Peter. You co-signed his work release forms.”

“I feel like something should be said about him being like a slave here,” Peter said quietly.

Neal shook his head. “Peter, don’t act like this. I know you’re pissed off—at me more than anyone else, I think.” He moved closer to Peter, leaning against Peter’s chest while wrapping his arms around his husband’s torso. “You aren’t a slave driver, so don’t act like that.”

Peter sighed again, staring down at the younger man. He finally returned the embrace, rubbing Neal’s back. “I love you, which is the only reason I’d ever do this. You asked it of me and I’d do anything for you, my love.”

“I appreciate it,” Neal said softly. “I’m sorry for asking for favors and for being inattentive to you once again. You’ve been nothing but helpful, Peter. You’re right there to hold me when I wake up from a nightmare and you’re there for Nicky when he needs you and now you’re doing this for me.” He shook his head and frowned. “I owe you so much more than I’m giving you.”

The older man put a bit of distance between the two of them and stared into Neal’s eyes. “You give me your heart every single day, Neal. You’re so stressed out and you could easily pack up and leave me, especially when I cause problems between us. The fact that you’re still here, standing with me, means a great deal to me.”

Neal lowered his gaze to the dusty floor. “That isn’t good enough, Peter. You deserve like a year of my servitude for all that I’ve asked of you and my inattentiveness. I’m really a terrible husband and I’m sorry.”

“Wow. If I didn’t love and respect you as much as I do, I think I honestly would have slapped you for saying all of that.” Neal’s brows furrowed as his frown deepened. “I will never treat you like a servant, Neal George. You’re a wonderful husband, so stop telling yourself otherwise. I live with you and I love you, so I should know if you’re wonderful or not, right?”

“Peter, I’m always so depressing and taking the spotlight. You barely talk about yourself unless I prod you enough.”

The Marshals led Keller back into the room and Peter whispered, “We’ll talk. I promise.” He glared at Neal’s ex-boyfriend and stepbrother. Matthew Keller was someone he could truly despise. He’d beaten Neal, emotionally abused him, sexually abused him, and lied directly to him. He could just imagine Neal’s pain upon seeing Matthew walk into wherever they’d been living at the time with another man. Neal wanted monogamy. He never once thought about cheating on his partner no matter what the circumstances were nor did he want to have multiple partners at the same time. He truly sympathized for his husband because of all that he put himself through for being loyal and in love. “Let’s see it.”

Keller pulled his pant leg up to reveal the black anklet. “Happy, Burkey?” he asked petulantly as the Marshals handed Neal the key to the anklet’s lock.

“Sure,” Peter said firmly. He turned towards Neal and grabbed Neal’s hand, intertwining their fingers immediately. He led the three of them out of the penitentiary and to the Taurus. He slammed the door on Keller once Keller was inside and Neal just stood beside the passenger door, biting his lip. “I’ll calm down.”

“Give me the keys, Peter.”

“I’ll—”

“Give me the keys, _Peter._ ” He held his hand out and Peter made a frustrated sound as he pulled his keys out of his pocket and placed them in his husband’s hands. “Thank you,” he whispered. He wanted a kiss from Peter, but he was afraid to even try for one. He went back to biting his lip. Within a few seconds, he averted his gaze from Peter’s face and was going to head around to the driver’s side, but Peter’s hand on his shoulder stopped him. He glanced up at his husband and Peter leaned a bit, kissing him gently.

He hadn’t been expecting Peter to kiss him, but it felt nice considering it was Peter who initiated it. He held Peter’s hips while they kissed and it felt wonderful. He loved being kissed by Peter. “I love you so much, Neal,” he whispered when they parted. “I’m in a pretty bad mood right now, but you don’t deserve to be shot down because of it. You’re so cute and I honestly can’t help but kiss you when you bite your lip in that way that I love.”

Neal chuckled quietly. “Glad I still have the ability to be cute when you’re pissed at me.”

Peter let Neal head over to the driver’s seat and got into the passenger seat himself. He watched Neal get situated and put the key into the ignition. “Wow. When did you get your license, baby?”

Peter gripped the armrest tightly and Neal rested his hand on top of Peter’s hand, squeezing his fingers gently as he backed out of the parking space. “I’ve had it for a couple years,” Neal answered. He kept his hold on Peter’s hand, rubbing Peter’s skin with his thumb in the hopes of keeping him from unbuckling his seatbelt to turn around and strangle Keller in the backseat. “Peter taught me a lot better than you tried to,” he added. “It also helped that Peter didn’t _yell_ at me when he thought I was going to get us killed—not that I was ever close to doing so with either of you.”

The older man glanced at his husband curiously. Keller laughed at his ex-boyfriend, commenting, “You thought you knew what you were doing and you really didn’t.”

Neal sighed as he shook his head. “I knew what I was doing. I just didn’t do things the same way you did. I’m not a jackass. I actually look behind me to see if someone’s coming up on my ass as I’m backing up.” Peter turned his hand in Neal’s, holding it. “All Peter really had to do was hone the skills I had.”

“You always thought you were perfect,” Keller muttered, looking out of the windows to watch traffic pass them by.

The younger man scoffed. “Right. Matthew, I’m anything but perfect. I am the furthest thing from perfect.”

Keller chuckled. “Perfect sub in bed.”

“Don’t you dare reference what you did to my husband in bed. I’ll count that as sexual harassment and I’ll have Neal turn this damn car around right now to throw your ass behind bars again.” Keller made a sound of laughter and shook his head. “While you’re with Neal, you are _not_ to mention your previous sex life. If I find out—and he will tell me—then I won’t hesitate to drag your ass right back to the penitentiary.”

“Looks like I’m not the only one on a leash.”

“Matthew, shut the hell up,” Neal snapped. “You’re going to piss him off and he isn’t kidding when he says I’ll turn the car around. I will turn this damn thing around and I’ll let him manhandle you back into your cell.”

The couple was surprised when Keller was suddenly very quiet.

•◊•

Neal dropped down onto the couch upon arriving at home. They’d dropped Keller off in a very shitty motel that would work with his work release payments, but Neal was mentally and emotionally taxed. Peter and Matthew argued as soon as Matthew complained about his living arrangements. Peter essentially gave him the big ‘fuck you’ and told him to cowboy up. All Neal wanted upon coming home was a way to relax that hopefully involved Peter. They’d come home late, so Mozzie already put Nicky and the twins to bed. The twins would definitely be up soon, but Neal figured they had some time to spend together beforehand.

Peter came in after gathering up his papers from the bureau. He immediately glanced at his husband before shutting the door. “Honey, are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Neal said quietly, glancing up at Peter. Peter set his papers down on the coffee table and turned to face Neal, leaning over him. He kissed Neal tentatively, knowing he’d helped a little once Neal rested his hands on Peter’s chest. He was surprised when Neal got a little anxious. He abruptly broke their kiss and leaned sideways while twisting to lay on his back, pulling Peter with him.

The older man gave his husband a curious look. His left foot was on the floor and his right leg was bent between Neal’s. Neal had a firm, yet gentle, grip on Peter’s tie and was staring up at him. “What is it?” Peter asked softly.

“I want to know what you think,” he whispered. “Do you think we can make love again or should we wait a little longer?”

Peter’s brows furrowed. “Honey, that all depends on you. If you’re comfortable and all right, then I suppose we’d be fine. If the very thought of me being inside of you frightens you, then we should wait.”

“I want to try. It’s been too long,” Neal whispered. “It’s been almost five months since the last time we made love.”

“If you’re afraid for even a split second, you will tell me, Neal George. Promise me that.”

Neal nodded. “I promise, Peter.”

Peter backed up, tugging Neal up from the couch with him. The two made their way upstairs, hand in hand, and Neal locked the door behind them once they’d gotten into the bedroom. Peter waited until Neal made a move before even considering doing anything. He didn’t want to initiate this if Neal were frightened to go through with it. Neal swallowed hard and smiled up at Peter as he unbuttoned Peter’s shirt. His hands were trembling and Peter watched Neal’s face. He saw determination in his husband’s expression. Moments later, Neal was sliding Peter’s suit jacket and shirt off simultaneously. He tossed both articles of clothing onto a chair in the corner of their room before setting to work on Peter’s belt. The leather belt was easily pulled through the loops of Peter’s dress pants and Neal tossed it to the floor, leaning forward to plant kisses on Peter’s bare chest. “How’re you doing?”

“I’m all right,” Neal said softly. Peter heard a slight tremor in Neal’s voice, but Neal gave him a look of sincerity. Peter carefully removed Neal’s suit jacket. He slowly worked on removing Neal’s dress shirt in case Neal wanted to suddenly pull it back on. Once it was off and Neal’s chest was bared for him to see, he figured things would be okay to start off.

He caressed Neal’s face, combing his fingers through Neal’s hair. “I love you,” he whispered, leaning forward to kiss his husband’s soft lips.

“I love you, too,” Neal replied, giving the older man a small smile.

Moments later, Neal was gently sucking at Peter’s skin, tentatively licking him. Peter weaved his fingers in Neal’s hair, hoping Neal was actually into this rather than feeling like he needed to do this. He was surprised when Neal suddenly dropped to his knees. At first, he wondered if Neal was having a panic attack and he was about ready to call this whole thing off and redress Neal to calm him down, but then Neal was unzipping his pants, sliding them down his legs. Peter watched as Neal undressed him and he made sure he was paying attention to how badly Neal was shaking, which didn’t seem too bad.

Neal pulled Peter’s shoes and socks off, gently urging Peter to step out of the pants. He took care of everything he’d removed and looked up at Peter before reaching for Peter’s briefs. Peter rested his hand on Neal’s, whispering, “Don’t do anything that makes you uncomfortable.” He hoped Neal knew that meant Neal didn’t have to give him a blowjob to start them off. He was aware of how horribly Neal had been gagged by Vincent and Craig—mostly Craig. Neal was afraid that he’d suffocate a few times during his time in captivity because Craig enjoyed teasing him that way. Peter didn’t want to see Neal fall back into that and hurt himself in the process.

The younger man nodded and pulled Peter’s briefs down, moving them once Peter stepped out of them. “I’ll admit to you that I’m scared, but I want to do this,” Neal said so quietly that Peter almost didn’t hear him.

“Neal…”

“I’m going to be slow,” Neal said sadly. “I’m doing this, but I need to take my time. I can’t…can’t do this as quickly as I did before. Is that okay?”

Peter slid his fingertips over Neal’s cheekbone. “You do whatever you’re comfortable doing. You control the pace and you tell me if you need to stop. I’m not judging you based on how well you perform, Neal. I’ve never done that to you and I’m not about to start now.” Neal nodded, leaning into Peter’s palm once Peter opened it. “I love you and I’m perfectly content with whatever you do as long as you’re not forcing yourself to do this. If we don’t finish, then we don’t finish. I don’t want to hurt you—emotionally or physically, my love.”

“All right,” Neal whispered. “If you can, can you make noises or say things so I can hear you?”

“Of course.” He completely understood that Neal needed to be given reminders as to who he was with during all of this. He didn’t know how Neal felt, but he knew Neal might believe he was back in that farmhouse with Vincent and Craig shoving themselves down his throat or shoving into him together. Peter’s heart hurt just thinking about what they’d done to Neal, but he knew Neal was suffering so much more than he let on.

Neal tentatively leaned closer to Peter, licking the tip of Peter’s cock. He glanced up at Peter to find the older man giving him a soft smile. Returning his focus to his husband’s cock, he gripped Peter’s hips and slowly took Peter into his mouth. He didn’t move for a few moments as he listened to Peter tell him everything was okay and that he could stop at any point. After several seconds, Neal bobbed his head back and forth slowly, keeping his eyes on Peter’s face. He needed to see Peter’s smile.

Peter moaned quietly and Neal knew they were real moans of pleasure. He was stroking Neal’s hair slowly, carding his fingers through the strands as though they were delicate. Peter loved touching Neal’s hair, so he always treated Neal’s hair like it was special—because it was to him.

Several minutes passed before Neal sat back. Peter’s cock bounced, erecting itself against Peter’s stomach. “Can you open me up for you?” Neal asked quietly, looking up at Peter warily.

“Always,” Peter said as he helped Neal up from the floor. He kissed Neal passionately, rubbing his thumbs over the waistband of Neal’s pants. “First things first,” he murmured as he broke away. He slid Neal’s belt off and tossed it down beside his own discarded belt, subsequently unbuttoning and unzipping Neal’s pants. He kept his eyes on Neal as he slid down to his knees, dragging Neal’s pants and lingerie down with his movements. Neal voluntarily toed his shoes off and stepped out of his pants. With his husband standing in front of him in all his glory, his breath was taken away. The only thing that hampered the spell his husband put upon him was that disgusting scar Craig forced into Neal’s skin. His eyes didn’t linger on the scar long. He wanted to make damn sure he helped Neal differentiate lovemaking and rape. Even if Neal were still haunted for years to come, Peter silently promised him that he would always show him what true love is. As Peter took Neal’s socks off, he chuckled at the goofy smile Neal was giving him. “You’re so cute.”

Neal laughed lightly as Peter returned to his full height. “I know I criticize myself _all_ the time, but… I really like when you say things like that about me.”

Peter took Neal by surprise, lifting him up a bit. Neal’s legs were around Peter’s waist and his arms were around Peter’s neck. “I know you like when I kiss you against things,” he whispered as he carefully placed Neal against the wall, kissing him slowly.

The younger man’s hands traveled up to Peter’s hair. He stroked Peter’s hair lovingly as he quietly moaned into their kiss. He was still afraid of what was happening between them, but he knew he could trust Peter because Peter would never purposely inflict pain upon him. “I have since the very first night you spent with me,” Neal whispered breathlessly, staring into Peter’s eyes.

The older man smiled at Neal. He remembered lunging at Neal, kissing him heatedly. He’d eventually pressed Neal up against a wall and grinded against him until they both came, then they’d showered and gone to bed together. That was the night before Nicky’s ninth birthday. Part of him thought it was kind of funny, reflecting on how Neal hadn’t expected him to stay with him that night. Peter just knew when he’d looked at Neal that first night together that they were going to be together. Whether or not they stayed together, he wasn’t sure. He hadn’t realized in that exact moment that he’d been watching his future husband sleep peacefully beside him that night. “It’s so…bizarre to go back four years ago and look at how our relationship started. You were that shy, little probie who dropped every single mug he’d filled and you were the incubus who stole my heart at that very moment.”

Neal burst into a fit of laughter. “ _Incubus?_ ” he said incredulously, laughing as he leaned forward against Peter. “That’s definitely a new one. I like it.”

Peter nuzzled his face against Neal’s, chuckling with him. “I love you, Neal. I’ve loved you since the very first time I laid eyes on you.”

“I’ll admit that I was afraid to love you when I met you,” Neal whispered, kissing Peter’s nose. “You seemed so perfect and it felt too good to be true. Sometimes, I think it still is. I can’t believe I won your heart, Peter, only because I know I wouldn’t want to be with me if I were you.”

“That, my love, is the difference between us,” Peter murmured.

“I’d be with you if our positions were reversed,” Neal added. “Honestly, I wouldn’t care about your past once I got to know the loving man you are inside.”

Peter raised an eyebrow. “Now why can’t you believe me when I tell you that, you dork?”

“Stubborn,” Neal muttered, smiling wryly at Peter. He was really nervous about all of this, so the little teasing remarks between them truly helped him relax.

The older man rolled his eyes, kissing his husband once again. “Are you doing all right so far?” Neal nodded, then asked Peter to take him to their bed. He carried Neal and set him down on the mattress gently, hovering over him to smile down at him. “My beautiful, beautiful man…” he whispered, leaning forward to capture Neal’s lips passionately. Their eyes slid to a close as they gave themselves over to their sensations rather than their sights.

Neal held Peter’s shoulders as they kissed. When they parted for breath, Neal opened his eyes to meet Peter’s. “Make love to me,” he whispered.

Peter was as gentle as he always was while opening Neal. He made sure he was extra gentle because he was afraid Neal would be frightened. And the moment Neal was ready for Peter, Peter hesitated. He hesitated until Neal gave him a small smile and kissed the corner of his mouth. He slid into his husband slowly, watching his expression. Neal’s eyes closed and his lips parted.

There was a brief moment of silence and stillness. He let Neal adjust and was giving him the opportunity to change his mind if he needed to. “Neal?” he said softly, reaching up to stroke Neal’s hair.

Neal panted for a moment and Peter was horrified by the thought that he was giving his husband a panic attack. “I’m ready,” Neal said as he opened his eyes a bit. “I’m okay.” He rubbed Peter’s chest, tracing the scar. Peter gave him more time to relax, which was still an opening for Neal to change his mind. Peter would be just fine if Neal didn’t want to do this. This was the first time he’d been inside of his husband in months and he’d honestly missed it, but he’d give it up if it meant Neal was okay. “All right,” he whispered, arching up to kiss Peter’s jaw. “I know where I am and I know who I’m with. You can move, love.”

He wasn’t sure if he should. He didn’t see any distress in Neal’s eyes, but Neal was getting better at deceiving him with his eyes lately. If he were terrified, he let it show. Neal gave him a very soft smile that touched his eyes and Peter arched towards him, kissing him lovingly as he slowly rocked back and forth. At first, Neal made a couple of pained sounds and Peter almost decided to stop entirely because he wasn’t sure if Neal were really hurting or if he’d fallen back into his nightmares, but then Neal began to moan.

They broke away to breathe and Neal reached up to tangle his fingers in Peter’s hair. “I love you, Neal,” Peter said, pecking Neal’s lips a few times.

“Peter,” Neal whispered. He sounded desperate—or afraid. Peter wasn’t sure how Neal felt, but he wished he did. “Oh, my God,” he breathed. “I love you.” He kept repeating that he loved Peter until Peter sped up a bit. He wanted to test Neal’s limits to see what Neal wanted or didn’t want right now. He was a bit surprised when Neal’s legs bent at his sides, but that was good. Peter inferred that Neal wanted to be a little tighter or that Neal wanted to rub his skin against Peter’s. Either way, it was good because Neal was making decisions. “Harder, please,” Neal said breathlessly.

The older man didn’t want to pound into Neal. He knew that was a terrible idea. “Baby…”

“Please,” Neal begged.

Peter’s eyes roamed over Neal’s chest. He glistened with sweat and they were sliding against each other when Neal shifted himself to get closer. Hesitating seemed to bother Neal, so he acquiesced to an extent. He wasn’t thrusting into Neal as hard as he’d thrust into him when they wanted to be a little rough. That was before Neal had been raped by both of those monsters. Now, Peter wasn’t sure if Neal wanted to go back to that anytime soon. “You _will_ tell me to stop if you need to,” he ordered as Neal gripped his shoulders, digging his fingernails into Peter’s skin. Neal nodded, pleading for Peter to slam into him harder.

Neal’s breathing accelerated, but he wasn’t asking Peter to stop. Peter thought he probably should, but, in reality, Neal did want this. Peter doubted that Neal wanted to make love this way and it was bothering him. “Peter,” he said fiercely, wrapping his arms around Peter’s neck as he lurched forward. Peter’s arm wrapped around him, holding him close, and he kissed Neal’s neck. Neal moaned his husband’s name repeatedly until he tensed and quietly cried out.

Peter felt Neal’s come on his stomach and Neal was trembling against him. “I’ll stop right—”

“No,” Neal whispered shakily. “I want you to come inside of me.”

The older man was slightly slower in his thrusts now. He was on the brink of coming and Neal was trying to keep himself tensed to help Peter. It didn’t take very long before Peter filled Neal with his sticky warmth.

Peter lowered Neal until Neal was resting on the mattress, breathing heavily. He was going to pull out of Neal so he could clean them off, but Neal begged him to stay where he was. Part of him considered laying down on Neal because he was spent, but he didn’t want to put Neal beneath him.

Flipping over to lay on his back, Peter pulled Neal on top of him, wrapping his arms around the younger man’s torso. Neal looked so relaxed as he laid his head on Peter’s shoulder and rubbed Peter’s neck. “Was that okay?” Peter asked tentatively.

“More than okay,” Neal breathed. “I wasn’t sure if I could do it and I didn’t want to disappoint you.” Peter’s lips parted as he stared at his husband. “I didn’t want to disappoint myself. I’ve really wanted to be intimate with you—especially since you gave me _Neal’s Net._ That meant so much to me, Peter Michael.”

“I knew how dedicated you were to your idea, Neal. I wanted to encourage you.”

Neal smiled, resting his palm on Peter’s chest. “And you certainly did,” he whispered. “You had all of the couches and cabinets ready for me and I didn’t know that at first. When you showed me the inside… Peter, you’re like a god.”

“I just try to keep you happy, darling, and I’ll never discourage you. You want to help children in need and I think that’s very kind of you.”

The younger man slid his fingers over Peter’s skin slowly. “I love kids. Watching Nicky suffer kills me, so I can’t imagine how many other children are out there in situations similar to what happened to us.”

Peter stroked Neal’s sweaty hair back, resting his other hand atop Neal’s. “I love you so much and I’ve always said I’d do anything for you, Neal.”

•◊•

Saturday morning, Neal and Nicky were at _Neal’s Net_ to set a few things up. Neal bought paintings and other things to hang up on the walls that he thought might help relax the kids when they came in. They had a few hours to go yet, but Peter all but shoved Neal out of the house while wishing him good luck. “Dad, where do you want me to put the cookies?”

“Any of the cabinets, Nick. Just make sure you keep the cookies with the cookies and chips with the chips. It’ll make things easier for the younger kids so they don’t get lost trying to find something to eat.”

Nicky was stocking up the cabinets for Neal and June was preparing paperwork for the parents bringing their children in. Neal raced around to make sure everything was perfect. He wanted enough room for the children in wheelchairs and made sure they’d have room to store their wheelchairs in the case that they wanted to get out of it and onto the couch.

He made sure the bathroom was equipped properly for the children in wheelchairs and felt like he desperately owed Peter because Peter personally installed bars in the bathroom to help the kids. He and Peter came in Friday night after dinner and worked on any issues they found that might hinder movements and such. They tested doorways to make sure wheelchairs could fit through and Neal found it fun because Peter pushed him around in the wheelchair they were using. It felt like they were racing around between doorways.

Nearly two hours later, Neal stood in the entranceway and examined the main room they’d all be gathered in. “It looks great, daddy,” Nicky said as he hugged Neal.

Neal smiled down at him. “Thanks, baby.” Nicky pulled him into the kitchen to show him how he’d organized the cabinets and Neal was impressed. “You were very thorough.” Nicky sorted by foods like Neal wanted, but he’d also sorted by brands as well. “Great job, kiddo,” he said as he ruffled Nicky’s hair. Nicky giggled and took Neal’s hand as they went back to the entrance to wait for the kids to show up.

The very first girl who showed up walked up the sidewalk nervously. Neal opened the door for her and gave her a soft smile. Nicky stood slightly behind his father with his arms around Neal’s waist. “Here, my dear,” June said politely as the mother came in. June guided her to the desk to have her fill paperwork out. It made sure the parents understood that Neal was volunteering to do this. He made it known that he refused to take money from anyone who came in and anything that was discussed in the building was confidential. All the parents had to do was sign that they understood Neal’s involvement and the essential workings of what he wanted to do. Additional paperwork was about their kids. It was all pretty basic stuff. Neal just needed to have any allergies or special conditions on a file so he could make sure he accommodated anyone who needed something specific.

“I’m Kayli,” the girl whispered as she stood behind her mother while staring up at Neal.

Neal kept smiling at her. “I’m Neal and this is my son, Nicky.” She smiled a little and Neal motioned for her to follow him. “We’ve got some snacks back here if you ever want anything. Water bottles are in the small refrigerator in the corner.”

She went into the cabinets and smiled wider when she saw small bags of chocolate chip cookies. “I love these,” she said quietly as she reached in for it. “Mommy can’t afford stuff that isn’t healthy.”

“You’re always welcome to have some,” Neal said softly. “I’ll even let you take one home if you want.” She looked thrilled by that and Neal was glad he’d thought about this.

This process repeated ten more times and he had thirteen kids altogether—one kid came in with his little brother and he had ten individual kids come in plus his son. He waited for everyone to finish getting snacks and water bottles before leading them all into the main room with the couches. “Dad,” Nicky whispered, getting Neal’s attention. “Did Trent say he was coming?”

“Not to this one, kiddo. He and his mom went to visit his grandma this weekend, but he’ll be here throughout the week and next weekend.” Nicky nodded and took a seat beside his father while the other kids sat down on the couches. Neal had a very small loveseat that he and Nicky fit onto, but he didn’t want to make it his permanent seat. “Hi, everybody,” he said softly. “My name’s Neal.”

“Like on the outside of the house,” one of the kids said.

Neal chuckled and nodded. “Yep.” He gestured at Nicky. “This is my son, Nicky. He’s fourteen.” He smiled at his son who looked really shy all of a sudden. “Do you guys feel like introducing yourselves?”

“I’m Tommy,” one of the boys said. “I’m twelve.”

The kids went around in a circle of introductions after that. Maria and Kayli are six, Nichole is seven, Annabelle and Adam are eight, Ted is nine and he’s Adam’s brother, Tony and Kristen are ten, Jessie and Phil are eleven, Tommy is twelve, and David is thirteen. Annabelle and Tommy were the two in wheelchairs that Peter mentioned. “How old are you, Mister Neal?” Maria asked in the cutest way Neal ever heard.

“I just turned thirty-seven in March.” The younger kids—especially the girls—looked awed by him. Tommy and David, oldest second and third to Nicky, looked like they’d been forced to come. “All right, kiddos. Welcome to _Neal’s Net._ This is somewhere you can go when you need help or when you need someone to talk to. I’d love it if you all treated each other like a family because I really want each of you to be able to rely on the other or go to each other. This is meant to be a safe place for all of you for a little while.”

David crossed his arms over his chest. “Why did you call this place _Neal’s Net?_ ”

Neal smiled a little at him. “Like I said, I want this to be a safe place for you. I kind of think of this place as a safety net. And my name is Neal. My husband thought the Ns at the beginning of the words were cute.”

He watched Maria get up and walk over to him. He kept his eyes on her curiously. She grabbed his left hand and pointed at his ring. “What is this for?”

That wasn’t a question he’d ever thought he’d hear from anyone five years or older, but he didn’t let it show. “I’m married,” he said with a smile. “My husband gave it to me as a promise that he’ll always love me and want to be with me.”

“My daddy didn’t give mommy one of these.”

He wasn’t sure how to respond to that at first, but he smiled nonetheless. “Well, people can still love each other very much without rings. I didn’t have one when I started dating my husband.”

She nodded and played with his ring. “My daddy’s never around. He only comes home to yell at mommy.” This was the start to getting kids to open up to him. He wouldn’t push them to talk unless they volunteered to do so. He understood that some people—kids included—need time before they can open up to someone they don’t know very well. After all, he knew that firsthand because he hadn’t mentioned that he’d been raped to Peter at first. “He hits me sometimes when I want him to get me a snack.”

Neal’s lips parted at that. “I’m sorry,” he said quietly. She started tearing up and it pulled at his heartstrings. She leapt at him and didn’t even hesitate to hug him and cry against him. “It’s okay, Maria,” he whispered, rubbing her back. He glanced at the doorway to see Maria’s mother standing there with a sad smile on her face. She backed up a little bit later and rubbed her eyes. He brushed her hair out of her face and smiled at her when she looked at him again. “Do you know how beautiful you are?” he asked. She grinned at him and giggled even though she both looked and sounded miserable. “Has anyone ever called you a princess before?” She shook her head. “Well, you’re a little princess, Maria. And you know what? If you come back tomorrow or anytime during the week, I’ll have a little princess crown for you.”

She looked so excited by that. “You mean it?” He nodded, loving how her green eyes lit up. “Oh, thank you, Mister Neal!”

“No problem, princess,” he whispered when she hugged him again. He stroked her blonde hair slowly, smiling sadly as he thought about what she must be going through. He looked at her and wondered if his own daughter would grow up to look like this—or similar. He imagined his daughter in place of Maria and hoped to God he could save her and Joey from having to deal with all of his problems. By the time they were older, he was hoping he and Peter would have killed Vincent and Craig already. It was hard enough to try to calm Nicky down and tell him things were fine. He hadn’t even been hurt and he was traumatized just by what was done to his father in his presence. Neal felt terrible for that, which is why he wanted to do his best to keep the twins from having to suffer. Exposing Peter and Nicky to this was enough.

He listened to all of the kids who felt comfortable talking. Only about five of them didn’t feel like sharing and Nicky was one of them.

By the time their three hours were up, the kids were heading over to the cabinets to grab one last bag of snacks to take home with them. The parents came into the room to talk to him and they said very sweet things to him, telling him he should get paid because he was so kind and attentive to the children. Maria’s mother gave him the most flattery. She even hugged him as she thanked him.

Nicky just watched his father interact with the parents and he wondered if Neal were pretending to be happy and excited. He himself felt depressed after listening to the stories the other kids told his father. They’d been abused or abandoned by the parents and there was one case of sexual abuse, but Neal was only slightly thankful to hear that it hadn’t been as invasive as the sexual abuse he suffered. The child hadn’t been raped like he was. He wasn’t entirely sure what he’d do if he had to help a child who’d gone through the same thing he did.

After all of the parents and children left, Neal set to cleaning up the room. He didn’t care that some of the kids left their garbage lying around. They came here with enough to worry about as it was and he believed the least he could do was throw their trash away. “You were amazing, daddy,” Nicky said quietly. Neal smiled at him, shifting all of the garbage into one hand so he could ruffle Nicky’s hair with the other.

“It meant a lot to me that you wanted to come to this, Nick.”

“I’d do anything for you, daddy,” he whispered. Neal froze and tensed instantly. He didn’t like the underlying implication of his son’s words. “After what you did for me…”

Neal shook his head and whispered, “You’re my baby boy. I love you to death. Let’s leave it at that for right now, okay?”

Nicky’s eyes watered and Neal’s lips parted when he saw that. He quickly set the garbage down on the nearest table and knelt in front of his son. “Listening to them tell you how cruel their parents were to them makes me so grateful to have _you_ as my dad. You let them hurt you really badly to keep me safe and I can’t stop thinking about that.”

Neal pulled Nicky close and hugged him tightly. “Hey. I’m just fine. Poppa saved us, Nick.” He paused for a moment. “Actually, poppa saved us thanks to _you._ If you hadn’t made that phone call to him, he never would have found us.”

The teenager wrapped his arms around his father, shutting his eyes tightly. He kept crying a little longer and Neal only tried to relax him. He’d never snap at Nicky for crying, especially over this. Some of the children who talked during their three hours told him that things only got worse for them when they cried. Neal took everything they said to heart and he was sincerely proud of himself for being able to take care of Nicky the way he should. He wished he could do something for the other kids, but he had three kids of his own to care for.

“Thanks, daddy,” Nicky whispered as he backed up to rub his eyes. Neal gave him a small smile and his heart skipped a beat when Nicky returned that smile. “When I come here with you, do I have to talk to the other kids about what happened to us?”

Neal shook his head. “You don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to, Nick. I wasn’t very sociable when I started my group therapy a couple years ago, but I found a certain level of comfort in knowing that there are other people who have suffered or still are suffering.” He rubbed his son’s side gently. “That group feels like a family to me because we’ve all gotten to know each other and we know everyone’s story. It took time for me to feel like that and, who knows? It may be the same for you. Whether you want to talk or not, that’s your decision to make.” He leaned forward and kissed his son’s forehead. “You know you can always talk to me if you need to. I’ll never force you to talk, baby. I know how it feels to want to shrink away from everybody. You can trust me, Nicky.”

Nicky laughed a little. “You’re the only person I’ve always trusted, daddy.” Neal smiled softly, appreciating that. “Thank you. I’m alive for several reasons right now and they all have to do with you.”

“I plan to keep you alive,” Neal whispered. He pushed himself up and Nicky hugged him, closing his eyes as he pressed his face against Neal’s chest. “I love you, baby boy.” Nicky nuzzled his father’s chest. His dad always felt so warm when he hugged him and Nicky loved that. He loves _Neal._ “All right,” he said quietly, ruffling Nicky’s hair again. “Let’s finish up here so we can get home to the babies and poppa.” Nicky nodded, backing up just enough to put distance between them, and took Neal’s hand for only a moment before helping him clean up the trash. Every time he looked at Neal, he saw his lifelong hero.


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keller causes tension between Neal and Peter.

“I’m sorry, Neal, but this is where it ends.” Neal’s expression was drawn in pain as he turned his face away and held his left side while gasping quietly. Keller gulled a pistol out of his suit jacket’s pocket and immediately cocked it, aiming it at his helpless prey before him. Neal had nowhere to run. He was injured and he’d been backed into a corner. Before Peter could get inside, the gun went off.

Peter’s eyes flew open as the gunshot echoed in his mind and he gasped loudly while his chest heaved. He was sweating and he was disoriented because he’d woken to pure darkness. In a panic, he twisted in the sheets until he could feel Neal’s bare skin against his. The last thing he wanted to do was wake Neal out of a peaceful sleep, but he needed to talk to him. He pushed himself up onto his elbow and gently shook Neal’s arm. “Neal, please wake up.”

Neal groaned and turned over in his sleep, opening his eyes just enough to see Peter. “You okay?” he asked groggily. The older man reached over Neal and turned the lamp on. He didn’t want to turn his lamp on because he didn’t want to totally blind Neal. The first thing he did once the light illuminated Neal’s beautiful face was kiss him fiercely. “Wow. I like being woken up that way,” Neal whispered breathlessly with a smile.

“I love you,” Peter said sincerely, “with all of my heart and soul, Neal.”

Neal looked his husband over now that his vision was clearer and his brows furrowed. “You’re sweating and breathing heavily.” He met Peter’s eyes. “You’re afraid.” He pushed himself up a bit to wake himself up a little more so he could listen to Peter. Obviously something was wrong if Peter woke him up. “What is it?”

“I had a horrible nightmare,” Peter whispered. Neal looked concerned and Peter just pressed his hand against Neal’s chest to feel his beating heart. “I have no idea where this came from,” he started. After a moment, he shook his head. “No, I know where it came from. This bullshit with Keller is getting to me.”

“What does that ass have to do with this? If he did or said something to you when I wasn’t around, I—”

“I saw him kill you,” Peter admitted brokenly, immediately stunning the younger man into silence. “I don’t know why. You were bleeding and he had you at gunpoint. He just…shot you. He killed you in cold-blood.”

Neal shook his head and rested his hand over Peter’s hand that was on his chest. “That _won’t_ happen, Peter. I promise he won’t kill me. I’ve survived too much to have that bastard kill me with a God damn bullet.” Peter paled at that and Neal bit his lip, toning it down a bit. “I know you’re watching him like a hawk, so I’m not worried.”

Peter looked doubtful of himself and Neal noted that. Neal gave his husband a small smile, leaning closer to kiss him. As Neal was moving to pull away, he was surprised when Peter shoved him down onto his back and started kissing him passionately. He caressed Neal’s jaw with his left hand and took Neal’s left hand in his right. He intertwined their fingers and pinned Neal’s hand up at shoulder level as he continued to kiss the younger man. Neal had no complaints, but he knew desperation and fear very well and recognized that in the way Peter was kissing him.

Part of Neal was only _slightly_ afraid that Peter would take advantage of the situation. The majority of his mind knew Peter would _never_ take advantage of him regardless of feelings or situations. He felt completely powerless beneath his husband, but he was all right with this instance of feeling powerless. If he wanted, he could easily have Peter back off.

Their kiss became a very heated one as Peter shifted, straddling his husband. Neal wasn’t used to him doing that unless he was giving Peter a blowjob. Even then, that was a very rare position for Peter. Peter was completely passionate as he squeezed Neal’s hand and eventually broke away from him so they could breathe. Neal opened his eyes to see tears in Peter’s. “I don’t want to lose you,” he said, sounding like he was in physical pain. “I feel so empty without you here and I don’t think I could live without you in my life.”

Neal reached up to gently wipe Peter’s tears away. “Everything is going to be okay, Peter. I’m not going to let my guard down around him,” he promised. “I can’t leave you or our babies. I love all four of you so much. I _swear_ I’ll be careful.”

Peter was trying to convince himself that Neal would be all right, but he had no idea. A man who should’ve been like a father to Neal had been anything but a father, that man’s monster of a ‘friend’ preyed on a very young Neal and damaged him almost irreparably, and Neal’s very first love abused and betrayed him. Nobody in Neal’s past was trustworthy as far as Peter was concerned. Vincent and Craig targeted Neal more than once and Peter would be damned if he let Keller do the same thing. Neal hadn’t been able to hide his initial conversation with Keller from Peter. He felt terrible and admitted that Keller wanted to have sex with him as part of the deal Neal was trying to make. Peter had been furious until Neal swore to him that sex was involved in no way whatsoever. Because of Neal’s confession, Peter had all the more reason to be wary around Neal’s ex-boyfriend. He tried to consider Keller one of Neal’s past boyfriends only because it was disturbing to think of Keller as Neal’s stepbrother who’d screwed him figuratively and literally.

“I hope you know that I’m not letting you out of my sight for even a second,” Peter whispered fiercely.

Neal nodded. “I do know that. I know my husband and I know he loves me enough to want to keep me all to himself, which means a lot to me.”

•◊•

Neal stared up at Peter’s office, watching Peter argue with Keller. It pissed him off that Peter sent him out of the room, but he didn’t want to redirect Peter’s rage at himself. Now that he thought about it, it might’ve been better to do that. “How long have they been in there?”

He glanced up at Diana and frowned. “At least twenty minutes. I’m debating on whether or not I should get in there and separate them.”

“Do you know what they’re fighting about?”

Neal lowered his gaze to the floor. “Me, unfortunately.” Diana gave him a sympathetic look even though he wasn’t glancing at her anymore. “Peter was actually being pretty civil while we discussed potential safe house locations for Adler and Laird until Keller had to snap at me and call me a—and I quote—‘disgusting whore full of diseases.’” Her lips parted when he finally looked at her again. “Somehow, those two knew what they gave me and they obviously told Keller. He started making very unnecessary, crude comments and Peter just flipped shit. I asked him to calm down and he pretty much told me to get the hell out.”

She looked surprised. “He said that to you?” Neal nodded slowly, looking up at his husband’s office again. Peter was pacing as he unleashed his rage on Keller. Keller was sitting down while enjoying that he’d gotten a rise out of Peter. “He’s got a very big overprotective-jealousy complex with the additional ‘my dick is bigger than yours’ thing.”

“Um, I hope to God that they aren’t comparing that,” he said, embarrassed. “Peter’s jealous and he makes it known that I’m his. I don’t think it’s a matter of who’s big and who’s not. Peter just wants Keller to go to hell.”

Diana decided to tease Neal a bit in an attempt to lighten his solemn mood. “Which one is bigger?”

Neal gave her a wry smile. “I’m being completely honest when I say Peter. Matthew barely has half of what Peter does, which is why sex with Peter is so much better.”

She chuckled. “Elizabeth and I occasionally tease each other about how your sex must be. She really liked—”

“God. Please spare me of this,” he pleaded. “El and I have talked a little bit about our sex with Peter, but not in depth and I’d prefer if it stayed that way. What she and Peter did together isn’t the same as what Peter and I do together.” She was going to make a comment that would have embarrassed the hell out of Neal, but the door to Peter’s office flew open in that moment. Neal saw where her eyes traveled and glanced in that direction once again as Peter did the finger-point at him, beckoning him back to the room. In that moment, he couldn’t determine if that was a good or bad thing. He excused himself and headed up to the office. Peter didn’t move out of the doorway when he’d gotten there. “Peter?”

“I need you to stop me,” Peter said angrily. “I want to murder him, but that would be really wrong of me. The temptation is too fucking much for me right now.”

Neal nodded, his eyes widening a bit. “Tell me what I can do.”

Peter pulled his gun out of his harness beneath his suit jacket and held it out for Neal. “If you have this, the chances of killing him are lower.”

The younger man took the gun and gasped. “Holy shit, Peter. The God damn safety isn’t on,” he said as he readjusted the gun. Peter’s eyes widened as he stared at his husband. He hadn’t realized that the safety was off and he’d given it to his husband. Without intending for it to happen, he could have killed Neal. “Jesus. It’s a damn good thing you aren’t keeping this.”

“I am so sorry,” he whispered slowly.

Neal sighed heavily. “All right. Tell me what I can do about Keller. I don’t want you to get into trouble or kill anyone.” He rested his hand on Peter’s chest and gave him a sad smile. “I can’t do this on my own.”

“Shove a God damn brick down his throat.” Neal swallowed hard, his eyes never leaving his husband’s. “I’m two seconds away from throwing him through the window for the Marshals.”

Neal gently pushed Peter back and stepped into the office. Peter shut the door and his hand rested on Neal’s back. “Awe. Calling your little bitch, Burkey?”

Peter was surprised when Neal surged forward and grabbed the collar of Keller’s shirt. “Knock this bullshit off, Matthew. You’re out of prison with a two mile radius. The least you could do is pretend you’re grateful.” Keller did the very last thing that could set Peter off—he grabbed Neal’s ass. Neal was quick to force Keller’s hand away and he turned towards Peter as Peter barreled towards them. He was going to beat the living hell out of Keller for _touching_ his husband. “Peter, no!”

As Peter was about to throw the punch at Keller, Neal got in the way. He’d taken a rough one to his left cheekbone and dropped to his knees. He knew he’d get hit. That was the least of his worries. Hitting Keller might’ve ended Peter’s career or at least suspended him and Neal didn’t want that. “Neal, why the hell did you protect him?” he asked incredulously.

“I’m protecting you, Peter,” he whispered.

“Speak up, God damn it.”

Neal glared. “I’m protecting you! This is the same damn thing as what Nicky did at school with that kid. Look at you, Peter.” He rubbed his cheekbone as he pushed himself up and got back on his feet. “He got suspended for hitting the other kid. What the hell is the difference between him hitting that kid and you hitting this stupid son of a bitch? Is it really worth losing your _job?_ ” Peter listened to what Neal said and heard how desperate Neal sounded. He wasn’t sure how to answer Neal. If he said it was worth losing his job, Neal would be pissed off and he’d go down the ‘I am not worth this’ route. On the other hand, if he told Neal it wasn’t worth losing his job, he wondered if Neal would feel like he wasn’t adequate or important enough. “Keller, get out,” Neal snapped as he breathed heavily.

Keller didn’t hesitate to get up and leave. He shut the door behind him and Peter immediately said, “Neal, I’m sorry.”

“Sure. All right.”

“What can I do to prove that I’m sorry?” he asked, stepping closer to Neal.

Neal gave sighed in frustration. “Nothing, Peter.” Peter tried to move Neal’s hand away from Neal’s cheek, but Neal backed up. “You always boss me around when things go to hell. This time, I’m gonna make a demand. You _will_ sit your ass down and do whatever the hell you need to do.” Peter was frowning as he let his husband speak. “You are not to leave this God damn office unless you need to go to the restroom or get some coffee because you’re working hard. _I_ am taking Keller out to do some recon.”

“No,” Peter said fiercely. “You are not—”

Neal threw his hand out and interjected, “I am thirty-seven years old, Peter Michael. You’re only about four years older than me. You are _not_ my father, so stop treating _me_ like a _kid._ ” Peter tried to say something and Neal shushed him. “Conversation is done. You’re going to listen to me and do as I asked or you’re sleeping alone for the unforeseeable future.” Peter’s lips parted. That was one threat Neal would certainly go through with. It would hurt them both, but it would hurt Neal more if Peter didn’t listen to him when he was trying to protect the overly jealous and defensive man.

“All right,” Peter acquiesced. Neal nodded and started for the door, but Peter stood in his way. “Neal, I’m sorry,” he whispered, pleading with his eyes.

“It’s fine as long as you listen,” Neal said quietly. “I am not worth the trouble here, Peter. I’m getting tired of all of this. Nick gets into trouble at school because things are said about me. You’re going to get yourself into trouble if you keep letting him taunt you. _You_ are letting him bait you, Peter Michael, and I know you’re smarter than this. You know when someone’s fucking with you.”

“I’m acting this way only because I love you and I can’t stand hearing such negative things—”

“If you truly love me, please do what I’ve asked. I’ll call you if we find anything.” Peter nodded slowly, resting his hands on Neal’s hips. Neal finally lowered his hand and Peter glanced at his cheekbone. It was definitely going to bruise and he hated himself for that. “Peter, it’s not like you purposely aimed to hit me. Stop beating yourself up.”

Peter frowned and slid his arms around Neal’s waist, pulling the younger man closer for a tight hug. “I love you, my Neal,” he whispered in Neal’s ear. Neal smiled a little. “I know.” He rubbed Peter’s back until they mutually parted. “I’ll be careful. If I need help, you know you’re the first person I’ll call.”

He let Neal leave with Keller. He couldn’t take his eyes off of his husband until he’d stepped into the elevator and then his heart began to hurt. Every time Neal wasn’t with him, he had this horrible fear that something would happen. Neal had been taken from him twice already and he wasn’t entirely sure if Keller would keep Neal alive if he decided to take a shot at kidnapping him, too.

Diana came up to Peter’s office and she gave him a simple look, to which he responded with a nod.

•◊•

Neal ignored Keller as he drove into Brooklyn. Keller was trying to bait him as well by making comments about how fired up Peter had been and he was implying that Peter would enjoy abusing Neal after that hit in the office. Neal knew better than to believe that. “I have a gun,” Neal commented as he stopped at a red light. “So it would be in your best interest to shut up.”

“I’m surprised your watchdog let you out of the pound.” Neal’s jaw clenched as he focused on the light and traffic. “He’s always behind you, taking you doggie style,” Keller said as he laughed.

“Peter loves dogs, but he’s not a fan of doggie style and he knows I’m certainly not a fan either.”

“Never stopped me when we were together,” Keller said, reaching over to touch Neal’s hand. Neal pulled away instantly. “Tell me. Does your husband ever take you from behind? I find that position to be the most…invasive. All of my partners loved when I took them that way.”

Neal was trying to stay calm. The last thing he needed was for Keller to really piss him off, which would more than likely make him swerve and get them both killed. “Great. I’m so proud of you for being unable to look your partners in the eyes when you fuck them. Really intimate there, Matthew.”

“You’re afraid to take it from behind, aren’t you? Especially after Craig spent quality time with you a couple years ago. He showed me videos.”

The younger man’s heart leapt up into his throat and his eyes watered against his will. He felt like a fool for going out with Keller without Peter. “I’m not going to talk about how I was raped and I certainly won’t tell you how I felt or how I’m feeling lately. My personal life is none of your business.”

“I think it is,” Keller said wistfully.

He saw the first safe house they were going to look at and he pulled over. As he glanced at his rearview mirror, he saw a sleek, black car that had been trailing him since shortly before he’d crossed over from Manhattan into Brooklyn.

Leave it to Peter to find a loophole…

•◊•

Peter looked up when he heard the door open. He’d been pleading with whatever God existed that Neal was all right. He hadn’t gotten any calls or text messages throughout the evening and it scared the hell out of him. “Angel,” he breathed, standing immediately. When Neal turned to look at him, Peter was surprised. Neal looked like hell. The bruise on Neal’s cheek was Peter’s fault, but Neal looked like he’d been roughed up a bit. “Dear God. What happened to you?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Neal whispered. “Where are the kids?”

“Nicky was getting ready for you to take him to _Neal’s Net._ He’s upstairs with the twins.” Peter shook his head, darting over to Neal to rest his hands on the younger man’s shoulders. “Are you okay?” Neal nodded silently. Peter was looking at Neal’s face for signs of distress or something that might help him understand what happened. “Did he…?”

Neal shook his head. “Vincent had a few men in the safe house we found. I had two of them on me.” Peter immediately worried about his husband. “Nothing sexual happened. They just roughed me up a little. It’s nothing major.” He tentatively leaned closer to peck Peter’s lips, whispering, “I’m gonna get ready to head over. I promised the kids I’d be there because they wanted to talk about some stuff.”

Peter watched Neal limp towards the stairs. His brows furrowed up until Neal collapsed on the stairs, making pained sounds. “Neal!” Peter darted over to him and pulled him close, holding him. He moved Neal’s suit jacket aside and saw that Neal had what looked like two stab wounds in his right side. “Nicky, call nine-one-one!”

Two hours later, Neal stirred in a hospital bed. He woke up to his husband and son’s voices. “June was okay with taking over tonight?”

“Yeah,” Peter said quietly. “I don’t think dad’s going to be able to go in for a couple nights, so June may have to do it a little longer.” Nicky nodded, leaning against Peter. He’d slipped his hand into both of Peter’s earlier and cried against him. “Are you okay, Nicky?”

Nicky sniffled a bit and Neal forced his eyes to open. He glanced over at them and blearily saw Peter looking at their son with concern coloring his expression. Nicky was crying again. “Why does this keep happening to dad? He always gets hurt.”

“Dad will be just fine,” Peter reassured him. “He lost a bit of blood and got light-headed. He wasn’t dying.” Peter had to make sure he clarified that bit of information. “All the moving around dad did afterwards is what hurt him.”

Peter hushed Nicky when Nicky’s crying got a little louder. He kissed Nicky’s hair and whispered that Neal would be completely fine. “I’m sorry,” Neal whispered. Peter’s attention flew over to his husband’s voice and Nicky sat up straighter with tears in his eyes.

The older man got up, with Nicky trailing behind him, and walked over to Neal’s bedside. “I’m glad you’re okay,” he said breathlessly, stroking Neal’s hair.

“Am I able to go home with you?”

“I’ll ask the doctor. You aren’t as white as a ghost anymore, the bleeding stopped, and your heart rate is normal again.”

Neal gave him a small smile. “Look at you being all doctor-like.” Peter returned the smile and leaned over to kiss Neal’s forehead and then Neal’s lips. Neal reached up to stroke Peter’s jaw. “I’m sorry for scaring you—both of you.” He glanced around Peter to see his son. “You okay, baby boy?”

Nicky nodded. “If you are.”

Peter gently urged Nicky to step closer to the medical bed. “I’ll go find the doctor and ask if you can be released.”

Both Neal and Nicky watched Peter leave and then Nicky turned back to his father. “I’m glad you’re okay, too, dad.” Neal chuckled quietly. “Can you tell me what happened? I know you got stabbed, but I’m wondering how.”

“Dad tried roundhouse-kicking the bad guys and didn’t realize they were loaded with knives.” Nicky stared at his father in horror. “I’m all right though, Nick.” He saw his son eyeing the mattress and he forced himself to scoot over. “Come on up,” he whispered. Nicky did without needing to be told twice. He curled up to Neal, resting his head on Neal’s shoulder and his hand on Neal’s chest. “I’m sorry that I wasn’t as careful as I promised poppa I would be.”

“You’re still alive,” Nicky said as he rubbed his eyes. “I forgive you, but be careful next time, daddy.”

Peter came back a few minutes later with discharge papers. “Are you able to get out of bed?” he asked. Nicky slid off and Peter moved to take his place at Neal’s bedside in case Neal felt faint. Neal pushed himself up and turned, swaying a bit. “Honey, I can go get a wheelchair and take you out to the car if you want.”

Neal shook his head and that did nothing to help the existing dizziness. “If I can’t walk to the car, how am I going to be able to get to bed with you tonight?” The older man warily watched his husband move around. He’d leap to catch Neal without having to think about it, but all Neal let him do was hold his hand.

The moment they reached the car, Neal was sweating. “Honey?” Nicky waited behind them to make sure his dad was okay before he got into the car. Peter started wiping Neal’s sweat from his face and neck, his brows drawing together in concern. “Neal, are you—?”

“Yeah. I’m good,” he whispered. He pulled the door open and struggled to get into the car, but he did get in on his own. Nicky got into the back and Peter went around to the driver’s seat. As soon as he was in and buckled, he glanced over at his husband. Neal was panting heavily, sweating just as profusely. He started the car and started driving before taking Neal’s hand in his. Neal, much to his delight, intertwined their fingers and squeezed Peter’s hand.

Upon walking through their door at home, Neal felt instantly relieved. He wasn’t in a hospital setting again and hoped to God he didn’t have to be in one ever again. He was really starting to hate hospitals. He hated lying in the beds, feeling weak and useless, and he didn’t like the idea of being in the hospital for any of his loved ones. It felt like his world was crashing down on him when he’d spent quite a while in waiting rooms after Peter had been shot. Seeing his husband alive and well was wonderful, but it was the waiting that nearly destroyed him. He couldn’t bear that and imagined that Peter probably hated hospitals more than he did because _he_ was the one who spent so much time waiting to hear about Neal’s condition.

It took him a few moments longer to get upstairs, but Peter was at his side the whole time. “Mon frère,” Mozzie breathed when Neal reached the top of the stairway. “It’s good to see you looking like part of the living once more.”

Neal gave him a wry smile. “I don’t die very easily,” he said quietly. Peter rubbed Neal’s back slowly. “Thanks for coming over, Moz. It means a lot to have you watch the twins at pretty much any time.”

“Hey. You let Nicky call me _Uncle Mozzie._ The least I could do is watch your children.” Neal gave his friend a genuine smile. Mozzie always had his back when he really needed someone. Neither Neal nor Mozzie ever considered children as a factor in their friendship when they’d met, but the two of them welcomed Nicky into their very small family.

“You’re my big brother,” Neal whispered. “If anyone deserves the Uncle title, it’s you, Moz.” He wasn’t saying that to exclude his half-brother. Mozzie was there for him through a lot, including times when Neal really needed him to watch Nicky.

Mozzie stepped forward and hugged Neal gently. “Get some sleep, Neal. You’ll feel a hell of a lot better by morning.”

Neal nodded, glancing up at Peter. “I suppose that’s our cue then, baby.” Peter gave Mozzie a hug after thanking him for watching the babies and then Mozzie was out the door and on his way home. Peter and Neal made their way into the bedroom and Neal didn’t even bother to undress, which was totally fine in Peter’s opinion. Neal laid on his back and rubbed where the doctors bandaged him. “Don’t touch it, hon.” He gently touched Neal’s knuckles and Neal moved his hand away from the wounds like Peter wanted him to. “Does it hurt?”

“Not as bad as it did when they stabbed me.” He glanced up at Peter, seeing pain in his husband’s eyes. “Believe me when I say I’ve had worse. During my worst, I blacked out repeatedly. This was nothing.”

“That really doesn’t make me feel any better,” Peter whispered. “Where the hell was Keller in all of this?” Neal bit his lip and Peter sat up straighter. He repeated a bit firmer, “Where the _hell_ was Keller in all of this?”

“He…took off.”

Peter incredulously cried, “That son of a bitch left you there _alone?_ Oh, that mother fucking—”

Neal breathed shakily. “Peter, don’t. I checked when I got back to the car and his anklet is still on and functioning.”

He was immediately terrified when Peter twisted away from him and leapt off of the bed. He’d seen Peter enraged before and this was another one of those moments. “I am _so_ fed up with all of this _bullshit._ ” Neal’s eyes watered. He thought Peter was talking about _him._ “All these bastards know how to do is cause suffering and pain. Your stepfather is a cruel, disgusting son of a bitch. That asshole, Craig, is an absolute animal that needs to be put down. And now Keller—Keller is a God damn coward.” He turned back to Neal, looking him over critically in search of other wounds or scrapes Neal might have. “You could have died and Keller wouldn’t have given a single fuck about you and that _really_ pisses me off.”

“Peter, relax,” Neal pleaded. The older man turned away from Neal and was going into a blind rage over this. He started ranting about how Neal was so mistreated by everyone in his life and told Neal that Neal deserved so much more than Peter had to offer him. Neal got up from the bed despite the slight discomfort he felt. “Peter.” He tried to reach out for Peter, but Peter spun and grabbed him roughly. Neal’s eyes widened as Peter forced him onto the bed. “Peter, stop!” When he saw the look in Peter’s eyes, he knew Peter was seeing someone entirely different, so he had to be quick if he didn’t want Peter to maul him. “Peter, it’s Neal! Snap out of this, please! _Peter, please!_ ” Just before the first blow had a chance to connect with Neal’s face, Peter froze. Neal’s hands were thrown up as an act of defense and he was trembling. He couldn’t open his eyes and watch Peter beat him. He’d done it once, but that was different.

When the older man backed off, Neal opened his eyes. Peter backed himself up against his dresser, covering his mouth in horror upon realizing what he’d almost done. Neal’s chest was heaving as he sat up and stared at Peter. “Neal…”

He saw the fight-or-flight kick in and tried to move quickly as soon as Peter made a move towards the door. “Please, don’t run!” he begged. “Peter!” Peter stopped when Neal cried out and fell to the floor with his hand on his side. He immediately went to his husband’s side and tried his best to ease the pain. “Peter,” he whispered breathlessly. “Please, don’t run from me.”

Peter looked at the bruise on Neal’s cheek and frowned. “I could have hurt you so much,” he whispered solemnly. “I was so pissed off and I might have beaten you if you hadn’t begged me to stop.”

“You _didn’t_ hit me. I’m fine.”

“I shoved you onto the bed against your will, Neal!” The younger man flinched at how brutal Peter’s voice sounded. “I may not have hit you and that’s all great and fine. It’s not the physical damage that concerns me, damn it.” He knelt beside Neal on the floor and tapped Neal’s temple. “I’m concerned about what goes on in here. Neal, you’re a rape victim and traumatized beyond my comprehension. You do _not_ need _me_ attempting to assault you. I’m mentally and emotionally abusing you. I can’t do that to you anymore. My temper is too damn much for you.”

Neal’s anger flared. It was partially Peter’s fault. No, it was pretty much Peter’s fault. Peter woke the babies by raising his voice. “You know what? Fine. You stay here and mope all night.” Hurt flickered across Peter’s expression. “I have kids I need to put back to sleep. Get in bed. I’ll get the twins and then I’m sleeping in the guestroom.” Peter stood when Neal did and he tried to keep Neal from leaving the room. “Peter, you must be deaf or something. The twins are awake. I’m telling you to go to bed so I can go take care of them.”

“They’re my babies, too,” Peter whispered. Neal turned on his heels and walked out of the bedroom. He could hear Peter following him for a few moments before Peter’s route changed and he headed downstairs. Neal closed his eyes as he made his way down the hallway and pushed the babies’ door open.

Neal picked Brie up since Joey seemed to occupy himself with his binky. He held her in his arms and whispered, “Poppa’s getting your bottle, Brie.” She quieted down when she gripped his thumb in her tiny hand. The little things like this were what touched his heart the most. He loved children and they were all beautiful babies. Brie, Joey, and Nicky were no exception to that. He loved his son with all of his heart from day one and he loves his twins just as much now.

Peter came in and rested his hand on Neal’s lower back, glancing at him as soon as Neal looked up at him. He handed the bottle to Neal and waited until Neal started feeding their daughter. As soon as Neal looked relaxed, he pressed a gentle kiss against Neal’s temple. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I love you so much, Neal. I hate arguing or fighting with you and I know this was my fault. If I’d just… If I listened to you and calmed down, I never would have come close to doing one of two things I swore I’d never do to you.”

The younger man stared into his husband’s eyes for a long moment. “It’s fine. If you’d hit me, we wouldn’t be having this conversation right now. You stopped yourself and I’m grateful for that.”

Neal was a little surprised when Peter didn’t look satisfied with his comment. “Neal, I love you. I don’t want to lose you and, lately, I’ve been doing a lot of stupid things to push you further and further away from me.” He kissed Neal’s temple again, pressing his forehead against Neal’s head moments later. “I found myself stuck in a world where those…monsters lived on after taking your life.” Neal shivered, nodding slowly. “It wasn’t fair. They don’t deserve to live. You do, Neal. I saw them and their smiles just pissed me off. I refuse to let anyone who’s ever hurt you get away.”

“Peter,” Neal said softly. “We’re all right. I’m not leaving you—not by an unexpected death or any other logical reason.” He tilted his face up a bit and Peter leaned closer, kissing his husband. He really loved Neal for giving him chance upon chance after hurting Neal emotionally. Neal chased Peter’s lips for several, short kisses. The moment they parted for breath, Neal added, “I love you too much to consider a life without you in it. I’ve told you many times that we’ll piss each other off on occasion and that’s how relationships work, Peter. It isn’t always going to be perfect and I’m not looking for perfection. I tried to find a perfect relationship before and look where that got me.”

“What do you mean?”

Neal gave him a sad smile. “I went through at least four real relationships and several one nightstands with men I was too drunk to recognize as well as Kate before I met you. Looking for perfection got me _nowhere._ I stopped looking and then you came into my life.” He leaned closer to Peter. “I thought you were going to yell at me when you came down to help me clean up the mess I made in the break area. I was attracted to you in that moment—same as you were attracted to me.”

“Love at first sight,” Peter said quietly.

The younger man nodded, glancing down at his daughter as the bottle emptied slowly. “The moment I stopped looking for perfection, I found it,” he whispered. “I found the perfect man for me and my son. I found the one man I wanted to settle down and raise a family with. Before you, I never wanted to get married or have more than just Nicky and Mozzie.” He turned a bit and kissed Peter’s jaw, breathing shakily. “You’ve always been here for me and you’ve always made me feel like I belong with you. There have been and will be moments when I feel like I need to leave, but you just know how to pull me right back to you. You’re the light that I, as a moth, am drawn to. No matter how hard I want or try to resist, I just need that light.” A single tear slid down the left side of his face. “No matter how hard things get between us, there’s no one I want to be with more than you. I could never find another man like you. Even if you tell me I could, I don’t want to find someone else because you’re the only Peter Burke for me. You’re the only man I’ve ever loved this much and I continue to love you more and more each day.”

Peter nodded, seeing that Neal was getting a bit emotional. He understood, so he held his arms out for Brie. Neal slid her into his arms and rubbed his eye, watching Peter put their daughter back into her crib. “I’m not ignoring anything you just said. Quick question: what are we doing about Joey?”

“He’ll probably get up soon. I’ll just stay up and wait.”

Peter held his hand out towards Neal. “Will you come to bed with me?” Neal nodded, taking Peter’s hand. As soon as they were in their bedroom, both men removed their shirts and sat in the middle of the mattress. “Honey, I’m really sorry for all of the stupid things I’ve been doing. I’m really sorry for hurting you and for seemingly pushing you away. I don’t want to hurt _us_ anymore.”

“Our biggest problem right now is me,” Neal whispered. “My past is hurting us and all I want right now is for all of this to end. I’m going to push Keller—”

“—with my help this time.”

Neal nodded slowly. “With your help, we’ll get Keller to give us the answers we’re looking for and then we will take Craig and Vincent down together.”

Peter agreed with that. “As long as you let me fight alongside you, you know I’ve got your back.” And his father would have their backs as well. Peter suggested that Jon wasn’t far away from them if they ever needed him and Neal brushed it off because he assumed Jon and Hannah went home. He didn’t know that Jon was waiting for the call from Peter to tell him the game is on. Jon, as much as Peter, wants at the very _least_ Craig’s body six feet under. Vincent wasn’t as horrible as Craig was. Vincent could threaten Neal, but Peter didn’t think he’d ever abuse Neal the way Craig did. That wasn’t his way of letting Adler off the hook. If he caught them together, they’d die together. He just wanted to make damn sure he took Craig out regardless.

Neal leaned against Peter and closed his eyes, breathing slowly. He loved his husband for always being there for him. He never doubted Peter’s ability to protect him. It was just a matter of whether or not Neal allowed him to carry out that protection. “We’re partners in every sense of the word, Peter,” he whispered. “I’ll always want to be at your side no matter what.”


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keller finally cooperates with the Burkes. What they find with Keller's information isn't exactly what they expected, and Neal reacts very strongly to it.

Peter looked up from his computer screen when Neal knocked on his door. “Hey, hon. What’s up?”

Neal held up a folder. “Can I show this to you?” The older man nodded and waved Neal in. Neal shut the door before crossing the room. He didn’t take the seat in front of Peter’s desk. He went around and stood beside his husband, setting the folder down. Peter read over it when Neal opened it. “This is an eyewitness report, Peter,” Neal said as a summary. “They have proof that Keller killed Ellen.”

Ellen’s been dead for a few months, so Peter was surprised that Neal still looked into this from time to time. He figured it shouldn’t be much of a surprise considering _she_ was the woman who’d raised Neal and tried to protect him. Even when he was thirty-some years old, she still had the instinct to protect him. “They have a recording,” Peter said, raising an eyebrow. “I’m curious though. Why wasn’t this provided initially? It’s been months.”

“The family residing there hasn’t been in that house for months. They have the perfect security system for their long vacations and they went to look over their recordings. As soon as they found this, they looked Ellen up in the news, then they made a call to me.” Peter gave him a confused look, wondering why Neal had been called specifically rather than through the FBI. “I’m her next of kin, Peter. She put my name into a lot of important documents and referred to me as her son, so… They called me.”

Peter nodded. “All right. We can easily convict Keller for murder with this.” He gave his husband a wary look. “Though I’m absolutely in love with the idea of putting him behind bars again, this conflicts with why we released him into our custody. He’s ‘helping’ us track down Adler and Laird. If this happened months ago, can we send him back once he’s finished what we needed him for?”

“I think so,” Neal said quietly. “It wasn’t proven that it was him to begin with. All we had as evidence was a bunch of hearsay. This is hard proof.”

“All right. So, we need to get our asses in gear if we want to get those two monsters and lock Keller up simultaneously?” Neal nodded and Peter lifted his hand to rest it on Neal’s lower back. “Keller’s supposed to be here in half an hour. As soon as he gets here, we’ll force him to give us answers.”

Neal closed the folder and leaned closer to kiss Peter’s temple. “He knows where they are. I feel like he’s tipping them off in some way, which is probably why Adler was nowhere to be found when we went to that safe house a week ago. You already burned one of them when you were looking for me, so that’s two of their known safe houses down.”

The two discussed how they were going to force this out of Keller. “He won’t turn easily. We need to give him motivation to flip.” Neal had the folder in his lap now and was sitting on the edge of Peter’s desk. He held up the folder and waved it around a bit. “I think that’s a good idea, but… Are we going to tell him we’re throwing him back behind bars for what he did?”

“That can be left open-ended. I don’t plan on telling him. I do plan on watching you cuff him and drag his ass to prison though because I know you really want to.”

Peter nodded slowly. “Well, we could hang out by your desk and pretend we’re still pretty clueless. He doesn’t know that we know it was him and that we have proof. We could just allude to the fact that we’re looking into it again.”

They decided to go with that. Neal was sitting in his chair at his desk, pulling up past case files he and Peter solved that would coincide with the evidence they had on Keller. The moment Keller stepped off of the elevator and came through the glass doors, they initiated their plan. “All right. We know it was a knife wound,” Neal said. “We’ll have to talk to people in the neighborhood and see if she had any enemies.”

“I agree. Ellen was a very likable person.”

Keller looked at them immediately. “I don’t know how anyone can sleep at night with the knowledge that they’re the reason someone was stabbed to death,” Neal said bitterly.

Peter rubbed Neal’s shoulder, squeezing it gently. “Hey, Burkes,” Keller said as he walked over to them. Both Neal and Peter gave him a very disinterested look. “Wow. You guys must not have had sex before work this morning.”

“We’re busy, Keller,” Peter said firmly.

“Yeah. We’re narrowing down a list of suspects for the murder of someone I know.”

Keller shrugged. “All right. Am I useful today or should I just head home?”

Peter rested both hands on Neal’s shoulders now, keeping a firm grip on his husband so he wouldn’t kill Keller for acting so indifferently about a woman both he and Neal loved. “We could use your help. You know what it’s like to kill people,” Neal said tightly.

“Allegedly. It’s never been proven.”

Neal rolled his eyes. “We’re looking into a stabbing that took place several months ago. What are your thoughts on this?”

Keller came around to stand at Neal’s side, which made Peter furious. He was reading through files Neal had displayed. They were very ambiguous when it came to any suspects or parties involved, but that was the point. Peter watched the other man closely, seeing a little bit of fear in his eyes. He knew no criminal ever wanted to get caught. Murder would get him a few more years than domestic abuse would and he knew that. “I don’t have a clue,” he said. “Why don’t we go work on our current issue?”

“That depends,” Peter growled. Neal tensed a bit, knowing Peter was hardly able to contain his anger around Keller. Neal did a good job at keeping the two separate over the last week and he’d tried to put distance between himself and Keller as well. “Are you planning on giving us intel that’s actually _worth_ something or are you going to attempt to kill Neal indirectly again?”

“Peter,” Neal whispered in warning.

Keller just smirked at the older man. “Awe. C’mon, Burkey. It’s just a little bit of harmless fun.”

Peter looked at him incredulously. “You call two—I repeat _two_ —stab wounds to my husband’s body _fun?_ And harmless at that? What kind of drugs are you on?” Neal reached up and gripped his husband’s left hand tightly. He’d been trying to get Peter to relax a little more when Keller was around, but that was damn near impossible. He himself hated his ex-boyfriend, but Peter’s hatred of the man flared every single time he laid eyes on him. Peter couldn’t stand seeing anyone who’d hurt Neal and Keller knew what buttons to push each and every time.

When Peter heaved a heavy sigh of relief, Neal knew he’d gotten his point across. “Are you going to lead us somewhere where only bodyguards are waiting for us or are you planning on finally leading us to where your father and Laird are?”

Keller’s eyes flickered to the screen with evidence of what he’d done. It didn’t clearly say it was him, but he knew Neal and Peter would figure it out sooner or later, so he figured he may be able to earn their good graces if he helped them out. “I know exactly where they are right now.”

Neal nodded and looked up at Peter. “If your information isn’t accurate when we arrive, I’m doing one of two things depending on how quickly Neal can stop me. I will either put a bullet right here,” he said as he pointed at the center of his own forehead, “or I will throw you behind bars to rot there forever. Do you like those alternatives? If you lie, I can definitely make them possible.”

Peter was definitely putting fear into Keller with all that he was saying. “I’ll show you where they are, Burkey.”

Peter drove them out to where Keller told them to go and he was anxious. He was eagerly anticipating putting a bullet in Craig, ending his life once and for all. He would love to kill Vincent—two birds with one stone—and he decided he’d track that bastard down later if he got away. Neither of them deserved to live. They were a threat to Neal as well as other children out there. Neal told him at one point that Vincent had targeted other children, but those cases closed without convictions.

Upon arriving at their destination, they found a farmhouse. “T-This is it?” Neal asked, his voice barely above a whisper. He _knew_ this wasn’t the same farmhouse he and Nicky had been taken to, but it brought back everything they’d done to him as though it were a fresh horror.

“Honey,” Peter said softly, reaching over to stroke Neal’s hair. He understood what was going on and how it was affecting his husband. “You’re all right and I promise you’ll _be_ all right. I won’t let anything happen to you, my love.”

Neal swallowed hard and nodded. “Yeah. This is the place,” Keller confirmed.

All three of them exited the car and Neal froze at the nose of the car. He stared in horror at the farmhouse because it was identical to the other one. “Neal, I’m here,” Peter whispered, kissing his temple while he wrapped an arm around Neal’s waist. “You’re _not_ alone.”

Keller watched Neal, curious. He’d never seen Neal freeze up in his nightmares like this. He knew he could make Neal cry by bringing up certain things, but he’d never seen Neal so afraid. For once, he didn’t even feel the need to make a comment. He pitied Neal. At one point, he had loved Neal, but that was before he’d been told by his father that Neal was his stepbrother. Vincent said Neal allegedly had an affair while Matthew was out one night and that instantly sparked rage in Keller. He’d gone out to drink and came home to find his boyfriend reading a book on their shitty couch. The moment Neal looked up at him, he’d smiled and Keller believed that was a very fake smile, so he’d hurt Neal the way Neal hurt him and decided to hurt him at every turn once he’d started. Nothing could have made him stop. Knowing Neal would just take it all made him feel good, like he had power over Neal, and he firmly believed he did possess that kind of power over the younger man.

He’d never seen an actual relationship where both people were truly in love with the other. He and Neal started off that way, but it wasn’t meant to be. Watching Peter with Neal made his stomach lurch because he _wanted_ Neal. Keller desperately wanted to push Peter out of the picture so he could have his Neal back. He hadn’t had a decent dom-sub relationship since Neal and Neal was a very good sub.

Neal swallowed hard and nodded. “All right. I can do this,” he whispered, leaning into Peter for support. Peter rubbed Neal’s back, kissing his cheek. Neal reached into his suit jacket and pulled his gun out of his harness and Peter did the same. Keller stayed behind them, knowing exactly what they were going to find inside. He and his father talked plenty since he’d escaped prison with Craig. He realized how close of a partnership the couple had in front of him as Peter and Neal moved to stand on either side of the door, looking at each other. The older man was waiting for Neal to give him the go ahead because he wanted to make sure Neal was absolutely all right with this.

The moment the younger man nodded, they burst through the door. Peter kicked it in and Neal was the first to enter. “FBI!” they both called out, holding their guns in front of them.

Neal’s eyes widened as soon as he realized what was happening. “Neal, wait. You’ll—”

Neal was hit by so many flashbacks that made his heart race and he fired his gun without giving it so much as even a first thought, instantly killing the man who’d first raped him. His hands shook as soon as Vincent dropped. He was completely naked and his back was to the trio in the doorway. Neal tried to keep himself from focusing on the fact that he’d just killed someone. He dropped his gun and ran across the nearly empty room, shoving Vincent’s motionless body aside. “You’re okay. You’re okay,” he whispered, pulling a frightened teenager up into his arms. He was stroking the boy’s hair, silently crying as he stared at the blood on the floor that was definitely Vincent’s. He shut his eyes as the teenager wrapped his arms around him. The boy had no idea who Neal was, but he did know that he’d been saved by Neal’s shot. Peter watched his husband try to soothe the boy who’d been underneath Vincent as Vincent raped him.

The moment they’d barged in and saw Vincent naked on the floor, he believed he should’ve known what was transpiring. Neal didn’t hesitate to kill Vincent in that moment because he knew how it felt to be young and pressured. Neal was instantly revolted and pained the moment he realized Vincent was treating another boy the same way he’d been treated as a very frightened thirteen year old. “Neal,” Peter whispered.

Neal glanced over his shoulder and Peter saw how badly this was affecting his husband. He returned his focus to the teenager and put space between them long enough to take his suit jacket off and wrap it around the boy. “Do you think you can move?” Neal asked softly, though Peter could hear the tremor in his voice.

“Yeah,” the boy whispered hoarsely.

Neal helped the teenager stand on wobbly legs. He kept his hands on the teenager just in case the teen suddenly felt faint. “How old are you?”

The boy swallowed hard. “Thirteen.” Neal’s heart broke in that moment. “My name is Neil.”

Peter snarled, “That sick bastard.”

Neil glanced at Peter and looked afraid, but Neal said, “It’s okay. That’s my husband. His name’s Peter and my… My name is also Neal.” Neil nodded, clinging to Neal. “We’re gonna take you to the bureau and try to sort things out.” Neal looked at his husband and added, “We’ll get you some clothes to put on first though.” He knew exactly how it felt to be forced to remain naked while his body was abused time and time again, even in the interludes. It was very cold and made him feel disgusting, so he could only imagine that the teen in his arms felt the same way to an extent.

Peter called Jones and asked him to bring a crew that would clean Vincent up. He was looking around the room while Neal took care of the boy. Everything he saw disgusted him and it was obvious that the boy had been here for several days. He registered Keller standing behind him with his hands in his pockets. “Did you know about the kid?” Peter asked firmly. Keller gave him a confused look and Peter growled, “Did you know he was raping the kid when you brought us here?”

“Yes.”

Before Peter had the chance to strangle Keller, Neal called out, “Peter, the team is here. We can leave now.”

Peter would have loved to shoot Keller and leave his body for the cleanup crew, but he knew how that might look to both his frightened husband and the teenager they’d rescued. He couldn’t lose it while they were vulnerable. Keller was the least of his worries. First and foremost, he needed to take care of his husband and the boy. “Get your ass in the car, _Keller._ ”

The two made their way back to the car and Neal was cleaning the teenager’s face and neck with a towel he found in the car’s trunk and water he found outside of the farmhouse via a waterspout. “How did you find me?” Neil asked quietly, staring up at Neal.

Neal frowned. “Unfortunately, we were going after him because of something similar to what he was doing to you,” Neal whispered. “He was my stepfather and he…did _that_ to me when I was thirteen as well.” Neil stared up at him in horror. “I didn’t have the intention of killing him until I saw you and I’m really sorry for scaring you when I shot him.”

“You got him away from me,” the teen said softly. “I wanted him to die when he started taking my clothes off. I tried to resist and he…ripped my clothes to shreds. I don’t know where my family is, but he kept telling me to shut up and threatened to hurt my mom if I—”

“Neil, I know exactly what you went through.” Neal’s eyes watered as he looked into the boy’s blue eyes. For all intents and purposes, this boy was almost exactly like Neal had been at his age. Brunette, blue eyes, same name, same age. “He did the same thing to me, but he tried not to hurt me because he had to live with me. He didn’t rip my clothes the way he ripped yours.”

The teenager nodded as he looked down to watch Neal clean his hands. “You were crying when you moved him,” Neil commented quietly, giving Neal a curious look. Neal looked at the boy’s face again without answering. He could see a haunted look in the boy’s eyes that he remembered seeing in his own eyes as a teenager. He’d looked into mirrors and was disgusted by what he saw and he always looked like he was on the brink of death. As he got older, he stayed as far away from mirrors as possible unless he really needed to use one. When Peter came into his life, he always wanted to look good, so he really tried to control himself with mirrors. “Are you scared?”

Peter stepped closer to the two, keeping an eye on his husband. “I was. I’m afraid of confronting people from my past.” He closed his eyes for a moment, breathing heavily. “He raped me for almost three years before I ran away from home.” He decided he wasn’t going to go into further detail. For one, he knew he’d get lost in that nightmare full of flashbacks and he wasn’t sure if he could handle it or if Peter could handle him on top of a vulnerable teenager. Since Craig wasn’t around, he didn’t want to bring that monster up and scare the hell out of the poor kid.

Neal looked up and saw Peter watching him. The younger man gave his husband a soft smile. “You guys okay?” he asked as he moved close enough to rest a hand on Neal’s lower back.

Neil nodded up at the older men. He couldn’t look at Peter and Peter wondered why. “He’ll be all right once we can get him home,” Neal said gently, rubbing the kid’s shoulders.

“I live on the streets,” Neil whispered.

Neal’s lips parted as he looked at the teenager. He met Peter’s eyes a moment later and Peter knew exactly what his husband was thinking. “Would you feel comfortable living with Neal and me until we can figure something out for you?”

Peter was concerned when the boy started trembling, leaning closer to Neal for comfort. Neal noticed and he gave his husband an apologetic look. Peter knew he’d explain later because he seemed to know what the problem was. “It isn’t just us,” Neal said hurriedly. “We have three kids. Our oldest son is fourteen and our youngest are twins—one girl and one boy—and they’re both about six months old now. You’d have a guestroom all to yourself.”

“Geez, Neal. I think you should considering registering as a sex offender. All you’ve ever done when you find stray children is offer to take them home with you and keep them like pets.”

Neal’s teeth were grinding as he looked at Keller. “I don’t pick them up and bring them in like animals. Trent needed somewhere to stay after everything you put him through and we welcomed him. He and Nicky bonded, you ass.” He gestured at Neil and growled, “If you think I’m abandoning him after everything he just went through, you’re just as sick as your father.”

Keller didn’t say another word as the couple led Neil to the car. Much to Peter’s dismay, Neal opted to sit in the backseat with Neil, which meant Keller was shotgun. The teenager seemed to trust Neal immensely and Peter knew that his husband was a very compassionate man when it came to children. He never wanted to let anything happen to a child. It always hurt him to see a kid in need.

Peter took them to a nearby store so Neal could head in and buy some clothes for the kid. He was better with judging clothes sizes when it came to kids. All Peter did was agree as to whether or not it was appropriate or something Nicky might like. As Neal was opening the door, Neil grabbed his hand. “Can I please go with you?” he pleaded.

“Kiddo, I’m not sure if that’s a good idea. All you’re wearing is my suit jacket. I mean, you don’t even have shoes.” He frowned at the boy, seeing how desperate he was for Neal to take him along.

“Take your badge and just tell them you rescued him if anyone questions you,” Peter suggested. He understood to an extent that the boy was traumatized. He just wondered why he was so against staying in the car to wait for Neal to come back.

Neal nodded, leaning forward to kiss Peter’s cheek. “Behave yourself,” he warned. “I love you and I’ll be back soon.”

“Love you, angel,” Peter said softly as Neal ushered Neil out of the car.

“Hey. Hang on,” Neal said. He sat down on the car seat and took his shoes off, followed by his socks. “It isn’t much, but it’s better than walking directly on the ground. I’m sorry that I don’t have much else to give you.”

Neal pulled his shoes back on while the kid put Neal’s socks on. He would have given his shoes to Neil as well if they weren’t so oversized on him. “Thank you,” the boy whispered when Neal finally climbed out of the car.

He shut the door and smiled as Neil took his hand. “I’m here to help. Do yourself a favor and don’t look at price tags. I’ll buy anything you want and then we’ll head into the bathroom so you can get dressed.”

Both of them went into the store and Neal tried his best to shield the teenager. Every time he looked down at the boy, he saw fear and embarrassment. Neal squeezed his hand gently, trying to give him a little bit of support. The moment they got into the section that would best fit Neil, a security guard decided to stop them. “Excuse me, sir, but—”

Neal pulled his badge out of his pants pocket. “Agent Neal Burke of the FBI—White Collar division,” he said quietly. “I know what this looks like, but I just rescued this boy from a very severe situation.” The guard gave Neil a sympathetic look. Neil was oblivious to what was going on behind him. He was trying to find clothes he liked. “I’m buying him new clothing since his clothes were nowhere to be found upon my arrival.”

The security guard nodded. “If anyone gives you trouble, come find me.” He was watching the teenager carefully. “Is he going to be okay?”

“Yeah. I’m taking him back to the bureau after this and I’m going to try to locate any family he might have. He told me he doesn’t have a home, but his parents or some family members have to be out there somewhere.” The guard didn’t linger in their area, but he gave Neal his number in case Neal got stopped elsewhere in the store. He glanced up from his phone when Neil came to him with a nice shirt, jeans, socks, and underwear. Neal gave him a small smile. “All right, kiddo. Let’s go get you some shoes and then we’ll head over to the checkout.”

On the way over, Neal decided to grab some baby wipes so he could help the kid clean off any of the grime or blood he couldn’t reach himself. “Neal, are these okay?”

Neal went over and rested a hand between Neil’s shoulder blades. “Don’t worry about anything. Just pick something comfortable. I’m taking care of you for the time being.” Neil gave him a very small, appreciative smile. “Believe me. I spoiled the heck out of my son as he was growing up. I really don’t mind buying stuff for you.” Neil nodded and the older man had a very sudden thought considering his own recent captivity. “Were you fed at all?”

“No,” Neil whispered.

“After you’re all cleaned up and dressed, we’ll come back out and I’ll buy you whatever you want to eat and drink. I’m not sure about your background or anything, but I’m not buying any alcohol.”

Neil’s eyes widened as he shook his head. “I don’t do illegal things. Honest,” he whispered.

“I wasn’t saying you did,” Neal added softly. “I’m concerned about you. I went through the same thing you’re going through, but I don’t want you to get through it the exact same way I did. I’m only an FBI agent who got you out of a tough situation, but I care about you.”

The teenager picked a pair of shoes and turned to face Neal. “That means a lot to me. I don’t know where my parents went or if they’re even looking for me.” They went to the checkout shortly thereafter and Neal paid for everything with his credit card. He was thankful to have such an understanding husband because he spent almost one hundred dollars on the boy. Peter wouldn’t even bat an eye at Neal once he looked at their bank account. He knew that Keller would beat him senseless if they were still together. It was times like these where he loved that he’d married someone truly wonderful.

Neal was relieved that no one made any tactless comments about Neil on the way to the checkout or as they went into the bathroom with everything they’d just bought. Neal handed the bag of clothing to Neil and held the baby wipes out in his other hand for the kid to take. He noticed the nervousness on the boy’s face. “You okay?”

“I know this is probably wrong to ask, but can you help me?”

“I don’t want to hurt you,” Neal said cautiously. “I don’t want to scare you either.”

Neil shook his head. “You aren’t scary. I trust you.”

Neal didn’t feel all that awkward while he helped Neil clean off in one of the stalls. He had his fourteen year old that he’d spent so much time giving baths and such to and he has twins he’s given baths to. It was a little different with someone who wasn’t his kid, but he treated Neil like his own son. He took on a very fatherly persona with Neil and made sure he was taken care of properly. He even helped Neil get dressed because Neil’s muscles were weaker than they should have been. Neil revealed that he’d been held captive for at least a week if not longer and Neal completely understood. After all, he’d been pretty weakened after two weeks.

The older man threw the used baby wipes into the garbage and folded his suit jacket, tucking it into the bag with the remainder of the baby wipes. He figured he could take them home to use for the twins. “All right. Let’s go get you something to eat.”

In the snacks aisle, Neil felt strange. He watched Neal lead him down the aisle, talking a little bit about the foods and commenting on how much his son loved certain snacks. He hadn’t said anything in a while as he listened to Neal talk, but he blurted, “I love you.” Neal paused and looked at him, giving him a look that resembled one close to emotional torture. “You don’t even know me, but you’re treating me like you treat your son. I love you like a father.”

Neal’s expression shifted and he gave the boy a soft smile. “I’m glad to hear you feel that comfortable with me.” He wasn’t sure if he should reciprocate that love. Neil might distort those feelings and he wasn’t entirely sure if that would get him into trouble or not.

He bought Neil a few bags of Doritos and Cheetos, and then they headed over to get some bottles of flavored water. Neil seemed happy to have the opportunity to make choices for himself. However, Neal was surprised when the teenager suddenly stumbled a bit and started crying on the way to the checkout. He gently gripped him and led him somewhere that was a little less crowded so no one would make fun of him or give him looks that hurt him emotionally. “I’m scared,” Neil admitted through tears.

“Of what?” Neal asked softly, kneeling in front of the boy.

“Don’t make me go back to the car,” he pleaded. Neal gave him a confused look. “They scare me. Those guys.”

Neal rubbed Neil’s arms slowly. “Peter’s my husband. He’s the sweetest guy you’ll ever meet.” Neal smiled a bit as he thought about how sweet his husband is. “I’ll admit that Peter scared me a bit at first, too. I know he’s a little intimidating at first, but he’s a big teddy bear, kiddo. He’s never once hit me or our kids. There’s no reason at all to be afraid of him.” Unless Peter was beyond pissed off. That was the only time Peter scared him. He’d been terrified the night he told Peter he’d gone to see Keller. Peter had looked like he wanted to cause pain that night and something as little as a step closer made him nearly jump out of his skin. “He’s not like the guy who hurt you. I promise. I love Peter a lot. If he were like that guy, I wouldn’t love him.”

Neil nodded, looking at the floor. “He still kinda scares me.”

“He’s a wonderful man, Neil. You’ll see. He’d jump to protect you—same as I would.” He’d never tell Neil that he had such terrible flashbacks that made him see Vincent or Craig instead of Peter. It was only because he really hoped Neil wouldn’t have those problems. It’d only been a week and the boy hadn’t looked like he’d been hurt very much aside from the obvious. He’d been dirty from having to lay on the floor and he’d bled between his legs, but he was otherwise physically all right. “Peter’s going to take care of you. He’d never do anything to hurt you.”

Upon checking out of the store with all of the food and water he bought Neil, his phone began to ring. Neil startled and whispered, “What’s that?”

Neal stroked his hair. “It’s my cell phone.” He pulled it out of his pocket. “Peter’s calling me.” He answered and held the phone up to his ear. “Hey, babe. We’re on our way back to the car now.”

“ _I’m glad to hear that, baby,_ ” Peter said softly. “ _I was starting to worry about you, so…_ ”

Neal smiled as he and Neil headed towards the car. “We’re just fine. I bought him clothes, so he’s dressed, and I got him a few snacks and bottles of water until we can get him some dinner.” He glanced down at Neil who was holding onto his free hand tightly. “We’re almost at the car, love, so I’m gonna get off the phone now.”

“ _Love you, hon._ ”

“Love you, Superman.”

He hung up and smiled as he slid his phone back into his pocket. “Superman?” Neil asked.

Neal chuckled. “When Peter and I first started dating almost five years ago, I told him a lot of things about me that really hurt me and he… He was—and still is to this day—very supportive and he helped me through a lot.” He squeezed Neil’s hand. “He’s been my rock and I love him for that. I started calling him Superman because he’s always been so strong and he’s my hero. When I was younger, a woman who was so much like a mother to me bought me comics that I still have in my closet in case my son ever got interested. Superman was my childhood hero and Peter saved me so many times, so… It fit him.”

The boy smiled as they neared the car. “What does he call you?”

“A lot of things,” Neal said, laughing lightly. “They’re all really sweet things and he changes it up every now and then. I know he loves me when he uses those sweet words.”

Neal and Neil finally arrived at the car and Neal opened the door to let the boy slide in first before getting in himself. Peter turned a bit to smile back at him and he leaned forward to kiss Peter. “Welcome back, hon,” Peter said softly.

The younger man saw a small fire of frustration in his husband’s eyes and knew immediately that they were taking Keller to his shitty motel before heading back to the bureau to sort things out with Neil. Peter couldn’t deal with Keller’s shit anymore and he was trying to stay in a good mood because he knew what his husband and the teenager were going through. If he lashed out at Keller, he’d probably scare both Neal and Neil.

Peter watched Keller walk into the motel before driving off. “I take it he wasn’t polite in the slightest,” Neal said quietly.

“He’s lucky that I’m in love with you, Neal, because I’d love to rid the world of him. I know you’re against that at this particular moment, but he really pisses me off when he says such…promiscuous things about you that aren’t true—and even if they are, I don’t give a damn about what you and he used to do together. You’re my husband now—not his—and I love you with all of my heart and soul.”

Neal reached out to rub Peter’s shoulder. “And I love you with all of mine,” he said softly. “I’m sorry that you have to listen to that crap. I really wish he’d take a hint sometimes and just shut up.”

Peter sighed. “At least I know about the things he’s talked about. I’d rather hear them from you first because I know you’re not going to be lewd about it.”

“I regret my past with him,” Neal whispered. “If I hadn’t tried to settle down with him, things would be different.”

Peter briefly glanced back at his husband in the rearview mirror. “I don’t know if we would have met under different circumstances,” Peter said sadly. “Would you have applied for the FBI if you never met him?”

“I…maybe. I did a lot of retail and restaurant work beforehand and that sucked. I’m not letting Nick work in either of those types of jobs when he’s ready to work. I hate dealing with people who can’t look past the fact that I have no idea what they’re talking about because I’m not the same employee they spoke to on the phone.”

The older man smiled wryly for a moment. He didn’t want to depress his husband or the teenager sitting with his husband, so he decided to tease his lover. “I bet your fiery side is what got you fired.”

“I’ll admit to that,” Neal said, chuckling. “I always tried to be pleasant at first, but I got fed up with it and they went over my head and reported me to my boss, which then ended up with the _you’re fired_ speech in his office.”

Neal stroked Neil’s hair gently, smiling at his husband. “Regardless of your past, I’m happy to be in your present,” Peter said softly.

The younger man would have kissed Peter if he’d been able to. “You’re in my future as well, Peter.”

He leaned over a bit to kiss Peter’s shoulder. “Thank you,” Peter whispered. Neal met his husband’s eyes in the rearview mirror and smiled at him.

As soon as they pulled up at the bureau, Neal ushered Neil out of the car once again and Peter got out simultaneously. Peter stopped moving the moment Neil tugged on his suit jacket. He gave the teen a curious look. “Neal said a lot of good things about you,” he whispered. “I didn’t know if I should believe what he said, but…listening to you guys definitely made me believe him. You’re not a scary guy.”

Peter smiled, catching Neal’s eye as Neal stepped onto the sidewalk to wait for them. “I try not to scare people off,” Peter said teasingly. “I’m glad you don’t think I’m scary though,” he said as he returned his gaze to Neil. He found it so odd and wondered how the hell he was going to talk to both of them at home individually if they’d both respond to the same name. He’d have to figure something out with the two of them to make it easier. Shaking his head, he led Neil onto the sidewalk where Neal was waiting. The first thing he did was pull Neal close for a soft kiss. “I love you, Neal George,” he said with a small smile. Neal returned the smile and took Peter’s hand in his. Neil tentatively took Peter’s other hand as he was led into the FBI building without knowing exactly how his life would change because the two agents cared so much about him. It really surprised him because he wasn’t used to that level of compassion. It gave him hope—something he could see in Neal’s eyes when Neal looked at Peter. He knew he’d be okay in the end because these two men would do their best for him. They’d saved him and taken care of him already, so they’d definitely earned his trust. Knowing Neal knew what he was going through helped a great deal because he didn’t have to worry about talking to someone who didn’t understand.

Neil figured that if Neal could manage a married life with kids, he’d be okay.


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal and Peter welcome Neil into their home.

Neal glanced at the doorway when his husband came through. They’d taken Neil to the hospital after trying to find some information about his parents. They found nothing helpful and it was almost as if they’d disappeared off the face of the earth. Neil was looking at Neal, thankful to have Neal at his side. Neal whispered, “Anything new?”

Peter gestured at the hallway. “Can I talk to you for a minute?”

The younger man glanced at Neil. “I’ll be right back,” he said, patting Neil’s hand gently. Neil nodded and his eyes followed Neal as Neal left the room with his husband. “I get the feeling this isn’t good.”

“Jones tried to call a few people he thought may be connected to Neil’s parents. No dice,” Peter said, sounding disappointed. “He’s a minor. I don’t know if we’re allowed to ask for tests and such without his parents’ permission.”

“It sure would be a hell of a lot easier if we could get their permission, but, as they have been unavailable for contact, we may just have to go with ‘fuck it’ and take over. I don’t want him sitting there for hours upon hours without hearing anything.” He glanced back into the room, his eyes displaying a deep pain Peter knew Neal was suffering. “We could sign as his guardians and just tell the staff we can’t find his parents.”

Peter nodded, resting his hand on Neal’s shoulder to regain his husband’s attention. “Are _you_ okay?”

Neal sighed heavily. “I’m worried about him. Vincent gave me Chlamydia _twice._ This isn’t fair. That kid is thirteen and he should never have been dragged into all of this bullshit.”

“Honey, this is hitting you close to home,” he said quietly.

“Really?” Neal asked sarcastically. “I feel like I’m looking at myself in a hospital bed, but I didn’t have this when I was thirteen. I had a stepfather who woke me up early some mornings to fuck me before he took me to school and then he’d take me somewhere after school to fuck me some more.” He gestured between himself and Peter when he said, “I didn’t have _this,_ people who actually give a damn. There’s only so much I can help him with, Peter. It’s not like I can guide him through living with an STD that can _hopefully_ go away with antibiotics. I don’t know how much damage has been done because he hasn’t said anything about any of the pain. He was bleeding at some point during his captivity, so there was obviously some internal damage done, but I don’t know _how much._ ”

Peter tentatively stepped closer to his husband, hugging him. Neal sighed and returned the embrace. “I understand, Neal. I’ve been with you long enough to understand your feelings and point of view on these kinds of situations.” He kissed Neal’s temple. “You’ve been wonderful with him. He might be okay since he’s got you.”

Neal shook his head, burying his face into his husband’s neck as he breathed shakily. “There’s never going to be a moment where he’s completely okay, Peter. You know that. I’m thirty-seven and I’m still fucked up from—”

“Point taken,” Peter interjected, rubbing Neal’s back. “The difference is that you didn’t have anyone to talk to who would believe you or take care of you for almost twenty years, Neal,” he whispered. “When you first told someone about it, you were thirty-two and it was me.” He could feel Neal’s tears soaking through his shirt and he held his husband a little tighter. “You’ve been very proactive since we found him and I wish you would have had that yourself. You’re such a beautiful man, Neal.”

Neal mumbled, “He said he loves me,” against Peter and Peter gave his husband a questioning look even though Neal wasn’t looking at the older man. “When we were in the store together,” he clarified, straightening up to rub his eyes. “He said he loves me because I was acting like a father and treating him like my own son.”

Peter kissed Neal’s forehead, whispering, “See what I mean about you being a wonderful father?” The younger man laughed lightly and Peter gave him a small smile, lifting his own hands to rub his husband’s tears away. “You head back in there to keep him company and I’ll go find a doctor, okay? I’ll explain the situation and I’ll start threatening people if they won’t test him without his parents’ signatures.”

“Thank you,” Neal whispered, smiling sadly at his husband.

The older man kissed Neal softly, murmuring, “There’s nothing I won’t do for you, my love.”

Neal was still rubbing his eyes when he went back into the room with Neil. “What happened?” he asked in a panic upon seeing Neal. “Why are you crying? What’s wrong with me?”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Neal said quickly, darting across the room as Neil started hyperventilating. “Nothing’s wrong with you, kiddo.” He began to stroke Neil’s hair, taking his hand to hold gently. “Peter’s figuring things out and I’m crying because I got emotional when I was talking to him. Everything’s okay, Neil.”

Neil stared up at Neal desperately. “Am I going to have diseases from what he did to me?”

“I don’t know. We’re trying to get you tested, Neil, but finding your parents for their permission has been such a pain. Peter was telling me that we still can’t find them and I suggested that we just sign as your guardians since they’re not coming forward to take care of you. I do _not_ want you stuck here, worrying about things you don’t know because you can’t find out.”

Peter came back almost ten minutes later with a doctor. Neal turned to look at his husband. “You two are signing as his guardians from what Mister Burke has told me,” the doctor said.

“Yeah. It’ll be easy to track us down later if needed since we live together,” Neal said. The doctor gave him a confused look and Neal held up his left hand. Peter could tell that Neal was irritated, so he figured they should probably get things moving before Neal flipped out.

Neal stayed with Neil at Neil’s request through everything the doctor did. It was nothing he hadn’t seen before. He’d done tests like these so many times since he was sixteen, so it didn’t bother him at all. Neil felt more comfortable with him in the room anyway. He didn’t want to be alone with someone he doesn’t know and Neal wondered how Neil felt comfortable with _him._ “Your STD and STI results should be back within the next few hours at your guardian’s urgency,” the doctor said as he finished, glancing at Neal warily. Neal’s strong connection to this made him want everything done right and done quickly. “There is some tearing, which explains the bleeding you spoke of, Mister Burke.” Neil gave Neal a frightened look and Neal stroked Neil’s hair while looking at the doctor. “The fissures should heal quickly as they don’t look very severe. We can provide him with stool softeners that should help speed along his healing and relieve itself in a matter of days. If nothing has changed within a week, I would suggest bringing him back here.”

“Thank you,” Neal said graciously.

Peter came in when Neal sent him a text that everything was done. “I gave the paperwork to the receptionist,” Peter said to the doctor. He glanced at Neal. “I put him on our insurance.” Neal nodded, giving his husband an appreciative smile. Glancing at his watch, he asked, “Are we able to take him home with us or do we have to wait? One of us has to leave to get our son if he can’t go home yet.”

“I’ll get your discharge papers. We’ll have his test results shortly and a phone call will be made. If antibiotics are required, they’ll be provided.”

Peter did more paperwork while Neal helped Neil get dressed and got the stool softeners prescribed for the fissures Neil had. It came with instructions so Neal could give it to Neil properly and Neal was glad he didn’t have to look this up because he hadn’t gotten this kind of treatment for his own fissures before.

Neal and Neil met Peter in the hallway and Peter slid his arm around Neal’s waist, kissing Neal’s cheek. Neal smiled at his husband. “We have to give this to him before he goes to bed starting tonight,” he told Peter, showing him the little bag the medication came in.

As soon as they all got into the Taurus, Peter drove them to Nicky’s school. He’d started up high school and was attending Stuyvesant. The nice thing about that was that both Nicky and Trent had been accepted. Neal was very proud of both of them and he’d cooked dinner as well as baked a cake for them to show them that. They offered to take Trent home with them for a few hours until his mother could pick him up since she was working during their pickup time.

“Neil,” Peter said gently as he drove, “our son, Nicky, and his friend are going to be squeezing into the backseat with you. Is that okay or would you like Neal to sit in the back with you and either Nicky or Trent?”

“I’ll be okay with Nicky and Trent.”

Peter nodded as he pulled up in the normal spot they picked the kids up at. Neal pulled his phone out and Peter glanced over at him. “If you tell me you’ve logged into Facebook, I’m kicking you out of the car.”

Neal chuckled. “I’m looking at pictures Tara posted of her son—and El’s pictures of her daughter. They’re both so cute.” Neil unbuckled and scooted up a bit, wanting to see. Neal took the hint and turned his phone. “This is my friend’s son. His name is Logan.” Neil smiled at the pictures of the infant. After a few moments, Neal switched over to El’s profile and showed him pictures of a baby girl. “This is another friend’s daughter. Her name’s Elsa.”

“I still think that’s a ridiculous name,” Peter muttered.

“If you’d watch Frozen with me and Nicky, you jerk, you’d understand,” Neal countered, raising an eyebrow. Peter rolled his eyes and Neal smiled back at Neil. “Tara’s son is about a month and a half older than our twins. El’s daughter is two months younger.”

“Wow. That sounds like an instant group of friends.”

Neal chuckled, nodding. “It is really funny how that happened.”

“Here come the brats,” Peter said as he unlocked the doors. Neal smacked Peter’s arm and glanced out the window as Nicky and Trent walked across the street.

Nicky opened the back door and stared at the boy sitting in the backseat. “Uh, dad, we have a kid sitting in the car.”

“Get in, kiddo,” Peter said.

Nicky gave Neil a cautious look before climbing in so Trent could get in beside him. “This is our son, Nicky,” Neal said, gesturing at his son. “That’s Trent,” he said as he nodded in Trent’s direction. “Boys, this is Neil.” Their son gave Neal an incredulous look. “Nick, he’s gonna be living with us for a little while.”

“Uh, okay.” Neal gave his son a look and Nicky muttered, “Trent and I play on the Wii downstairs when we’re done with homework. Do you want to play, too?”

Neil looked a little intimidated and Peter glanced back in the rearview mirror as he drove off. “Boys, dad and I are expecting you to make Neil feel welcome.”

As soon as they all got back to the Burkes’ house, Neil was even more intimidated. He watched them all get into their normal after school and work routine. Nicky and Trent headed over to the dinner table and started pulling out their homework. Peter was going through the mail, tossing a few things into the garbage and other things onto the coffee table for Neal. Neal headed upstairs to check on Mozzie and the twins and he was planning on fixing up the guestroom for Neil as well. All he had to do was pull out a blanket and some pillows. He’d also have to go shopping to buy some clothes for Neil, which undoubtedly meant he’d be buying for a very jealous Nicky as well.

“Neal.” Neal darted out into the hallway upon hearing his name said in such a broken way. He met Neil halfway down the stairway and Neil hugged him tightly, crying against him.

“Hey,” he whispered softly. “It’s okay. You’re somewhere safe.” He stroked Neil’s hair. “It’s okay, Neil.”

Neil shook his head. “I don’t fit in. I don’t go to school or do anything important like you all do.”

Neal caught his husband standing at the bottom of the stairs concernedly. He nodded upstairs and Peter quietly came up after them as Neal led Neil into the guestroom. He sat him down on the bed and sat beside him just as Peter came in and shut the door. “Don’t worry about school. We’ll figure things out, Neil. Trent and Nicky went to a pretty good school. We could probably get you enrolled if you want,” Peter said gently.

“I used to go to Ascension. One of the street moms was paying for me to go, but she left a couple months ago and I can’t pay for it.”

Neal and Peter shared a quick look. “I’ll take care of that,” Neal promised him. “While you’re here, just take it easy. Our son and Trent are good kids.”

Neal pulled a blanket and two pillows out and set the bed up for Neil before giving the teen a little bit of space that seemed necessary. Peter grabbed Neal’s hand and tugged on it. The younger man turned, raising an eyebrow. “Please tell me I can make love to you,” Peter whispered huskily. Neal shivered, stepping closer to his husband. “Watching you today… Neal, I love you so much.”

“We may have to settle for a quickie for right now. Neil may need us and we’re waiting on a phone call. We also have to start dinner.” Peter looked hungry with desire as he stared into Neal’s eyes. Neal smiled and wrapped his arms around Peter’s neck. That was Peter’s cue. He leaned forward and yanked Neal’s legs up, pulling them around his waist. Neal chuckled as Peter carried him into their bedroom, kicking the door closed. He left the lock to Neal and Neal quickly locked the door.

In an instant, Neal was on his back on their bed with Peter hovering over him, kissing him fiercely. “I love you,” Peter said in between kisses. “You’re so beautiful.” He began to strip his husband, removing his shirt first so he could pepper kisses across his chest. Neal moaned quietly. He was always happy to know he could make love with his husband on a whim like this. They’d been making love as often as they can and Peter’s been nothing but loving each and every time. That was the only reason Neal felt comfortable now. Unfortunately, they weren’t even given the chance. The babies started crying through the intercom and Peter stopped, sighing heavily. “I swear they know when we’re trying to do it during the afternoon.”

“That seems to extend into the night, too,” Neal added breathlessly. Peter backed off of the bed, pulling Neal with him. Neal didn’t bother to pull his shirt back on and Peter loved that. They went into the twins’ room and Neal grabbed Brie while Peter picked up Joey. “Hey, baby girl,” Neal whispered, tapping her nose gently. “Daddy and poppa are home now. Uncle Mozzie won’t tell you any more conspiracy theories today.”

Peter smiled at Neal and then down at their son. “I can’t imagine how much he tortures them when we aren’t here.”

“You may want to consider turning off the intercom system,” Mozzie called up to them.

Neal and Peter snickered a bit and Neal moved closer to his husband, tilting his head for a kiss, which was given to him almost immediately. “We could probably feed them when we’re eating dinner.” They carried the babies downstairs and Neal called out, “Neil, we’re heading downstairs if you want to join us.”

He waited a moment before Neil came out of the guestroom just to make sure Neil was okay. Neal was moving to set Brie down on the couch so he could go cook dinner, but Peter made a noise that forced Neal to pause. “You did enough today, lover. You sit out here and relax with the twins. _I_ will cook dinner tonight.” Neal rolled his eyes, but nodded, sitting on the floor. He set Brie between his legs against him and held his hands out for Joey. He scooted Brie a bit so he could set Joey down beside her. “Moz, are you staying for dinner?”

Mozzie was down in the basement with the boys, declaring, “I shouldn’t, but I will.”

Peter knelt just enough to kiss his husband’s forehead before heading into the kitchen. Neal was making quiet baby noises to mimic the twins as he reached over to grab a couple of their toys. He watched them lean on his leg to turn themselves a bit. He shook the rattle and both babies were alert, staring at it. He chuckled as Brie tried to move towards it. She was doing pretty well in his opinion. Brie liked to be active and was beginning to attempt standing more often. Joey wanted the rattle, but he didn’t want to move towards it. “What did you say their names are?” Neil asked as he sat a little ways away from Neal to give him and the babies plenty of space to play on the floor.

“This lazy, little guy here is Joey.” He glanced at Brie as Brie struggled, but managed to crawl. “This is Brie. Her full name is Gabriella and we’re waiting until she’s older to decide whether or not we’re sticking with Brie or calling her Gabby.”

Neal set the rattle down and shifted Joey to lay Joey on his back. He flipped over to lay on his stomach and Neil saw Neal’s back. His eyes widened as he stared at one of Neal’s more prominent scars—his biggest scar. “Honey, where did you put the rice?”

“You put the rice away, Peter,” Neal replied as he teased Joey with his hand, trying to get Joey to grab at him and move around a bit more.

“Did not.” After a few moments, he swore he heard Peter mutter, “Fuck. I did...”

Neal kissed Joey’s belly, playfully saying, “Poppa’s a dork sometimes. He loses stuff a _lot._ ” Joey laughed really loud and Neal pretended to be surprised by that as he smiled at his son, his eyes a little wider and his mouth slightly open. “Oh. Are we trying to talk, little guy?” He poked Joey’s stomach gently and elicited a giggle from his son.

Neil kept staring at Neal’s scars. There were several minor scars across his shoulders and lower back, but he was focused on the scar that started at Neal’s right shoulder blade and scarred diagonally over to his lower left side. “What happened to your back?”

The older man’s eyes slowly traveled over to where Neil was sitting. He saw how scared the teenager looked and bit his lip. “Stuff.” He pushed himself up. “Can you make sure they don’t eat anything on the floor? I’m gonna get a shirt.”

“Neal, you don’t have to cover it up just because I asked about it,” Neil said miserably. “I won’t ask again.”

“It’s okay. I should probably get a shirt on anyway. I’m being really insensitive,” he whispered. He stood up and headed towards the stairway. He was startled when Neil grabbed at his pants over his right thigh and it instantly hurt him even though he knew he wasn’t feeling real pain. He’d stopped cutting himself when Peter caught him. His breathing accelerated and he felt himself heating up. He probably could have made it to the stairs and up to the bathroom on his own, but he felt really light-headed all of a sudden. “Peter,” he said, sounding strangled.

He shut his eyes tightly as he heard Peter race into the living room. Peter saw the part of Neal’s body that Neil was touching and his eyes widened. “Neil,” he whispered, gently moving the boy away from his husband. Neil was staring up at Neal in horror, not knowing what he’d done. “Angel, listen to me,” Peter urged as he caressed his husband’s face. “Everything’s okay. I promise you’re safe.” Neal’s hands shook as he grabbed Peter’s hips tightly, frantically. “Honey, can you walk into the kitchen with me so I can get you some water?”

Neal shook his head, swallowing hard. “I’m gonna fall,” he said brokenly moments before his legs gave out. Peter held onto him, watching as Neal moved his hand closer to his right thigh. He looked like he was trying to scratch the material of his pants away so he could mess with his scar.

Peter carefully shifted Neal over to the couch, gently setting him down on it. “Honey,” he whispered as he positioned himself between Neal’s legs. “Tell me what I can do. I’m going into the kitchen to grab you some water. What else do you need?”

“Water,” he said hoarsely. “Shirt—please.”

The older man nodded. “Yes, darling.” He kissed Neal’s knee before getting up. He darted into the kitchen and filled a glass of cool water, bringing it out to his perspiring husband. Neal’s hands were shaking too terribly and Peter didn’t trust that he could hold the drink without spilling it all over himself, so he helped Neal take a drink. He set the glass down on the table when Neal pushed his hand away. “I’m getting your shirt now. I will be _right back._ ” Neal nodded, breathing heavily. He felt like he was being cut, like they were penetrating him brutally. His body ached and he hated that he could feel those phantom aches. His eyes opened as soon as he heard Peter coming down the stairs with one of his own shirts that he’d let Neal wear. “I couldn’t find a shirt that wouldn’t stick to your skin, so I grabbed one of mine. I hope it’s okay,” Peter said hurriedly as he helped Neal lean forward. He helped Neal put the Le Moyne College shirt on before helping Neal sit back against the back of the couch.

Neal’s eyes were barely open when he whispered, “Thank you.”

His fingers were clawing at his pants above the scar Craig left behind. “You know I’m always here,” Peter whispered, gently pulling Neal’s hand away from his thigh. He stroked Neal’s sweaty hair, his brows drawing together in concern. He looked over his shoulder to see their twins lying on their backs, kicking out playfully as they made quiet giggling noises. Neil was standing by the wall with his hands covering his mouth. Tears were streaming down the sides of his face and Peter sympathized for the boy. “Neil, come here,” he said softly.

Neil shook his head, rushing to say, “Please don’t make me leave. I don’t have anywhere to go. I’m so sorry for whatever I did to him. I didn’t mean it!”

Peter gently set his husband’s hand down on the couch before getting up, standing at his full height. Neil crouched, burying his face in his hands. “Neil,” he said, carefully stepping closer to the boy. “Neil, it’s okay. He’s all right.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt him!” Neil sobbed.

Neal forced himself to get up despite how shitty he felt. He knelt in front of Neil, touching his knees gently. “I’m okay, kiddo. You didn’t hurt me.”

Nicky and Trent came upstairs to see what was going on. As soon as Nicky saw Neil taking all of his father’s attention, his jealousy flared. He had no idea why Neil was there or why he was staying with them, but he didn’t want Neil to take his dad away. Trent gripped his shoulder, knowing Nicky was jealous of anybody who took Neal’s attention. He’d never been jealous of his siblings or of Peter because they’re family, but this kid wasn’t part of their family as far as he was concerned.

“I’m so sorry,” Neil whispered. Neal gently pried Neil’s hands away from his face. “Please don’t send me away. I’m so sorry.”

“You’re not going anywhere,” Neal promised him. “Everything’s fine.”

“What did you do to my dad?” Nicky asked, sounding very accusatory.

Neal turned his head to stare at his son. “He didn’t do anything, Nick.”

Nicky shrugged Trent off and stormed over to where Neal and Neil were until Peter’s arm stopped him. “Listen to your father, Nicolas.”

Neal jumped up to become a blockade as Nicky reacted very strongly and shoved Peter’s arm out of the way. “My dad’s been hurt enough!” he screeched. Neal was trying to get him away from Neil. “You don’t know him or anything he’s been through! You don’t deserve to be here if all you’re gonna do is hurt him!”

“God damn it, Nicolas,” Neal snapped. “He didn’t do anything to me.” He strong-armed his son into the dining room and Nicky shoved him away. “You calm the hell down right now or you’re grounded.”

Peter crouched near Neil. “Neal’s okay. He just… He’s hurting a little bit. He’s not mad at you and neither am I.” Neil looked at Peter with tears in his eyes, glancing at the entranceway to the dining room. Trent was standing on the other side, watching his best friend and the man he considered a father.

The twins were wailing and Peter moved to comfort them once he was positive Neil wasn’t going to run off. “Look at what you did,” Neal said angrily. “You scared your little brother and sister by yelling the way you did.” Nicky glared up at his father. “Do I look like I’m hurt, Nick?” He waited until Nicky actually looked him over and Nicky shook his head. “Then listen to me. Neil didn’t hurt me. I’m _fine._ I had a moment where I couldn’t help myself, but it wasn’t Neil’s fault, all right?” Nicky’s expression softened a bit and Neal heaved a sigh of relief once he realized his son was calmer. “I _know_ you’re very sensitive to anything and everything that happens to me, Nick. That doesn’t mean you should immediately attack someone you think is a threat to me.”

“I’m sorry, dad,” the teenager whispered, stepping forward to gently hug his father. Neal returned the embrace without hesitation. Nicky glanced behind Neal and saw Neil standing behind Peter, looking very frightened and apologetic.

“I think you need to apologize to Neil, too, Nick.”

Peter looked up at their son after getting the babies to calm down. He glanced over his shoulder to see Neil balling his hands into fists, trembling in fear. “Neil, Nicky isn’t going to hurt you.”

Nicky stopped on the other side of the coffee table across from Neil. “I’m sorry for accusing you of hurting my dad. Can you forgive me?” He felt genuinely sorry when he looked at Neil. He could see _something_ in the way the kid was acting. He glanced at his poppa for a moment and caught the way Peter was looking at Neil. In that moment, he had a theory as to _why_ Neil was staying with him and it made him think about the times his father went into hysterics. He may not have witnessed certain things, but he’d heard Neal become hysterical with Peter in their bedroom on occasion. Neil acted the same way as his father, so he immediately assumed Neil was beaten, raped, or forced to listen to one or the other.

“Yeah,” Neil whispered.

Neal glanced over at Mozzie who stood beside Trent. He gave Mozzie a look that explained Neil’s situation and Mozzie understood. “Come here,” Nicky said softly, moving around the table. Neil flinched when Nicky stood in front of him. He looked so afraid of the other teenager even as Nicky slowly pulled him in for a hug.

Peter and Neal shared a small smile then.

•◊•

Neal was struggling to stay awake as he laid his head on his husband’s thigh. Peter’s arm was draped over him, holding his hand and he was so warm. They were watching a movie with the teens after putting the twins to bed. He’d fed them pieces of bananas and then he and Peter played with them for a little while after dinner. Peter got Brie to stand up a couple times and they both hoped that sparked some incentive in Joey. After all of the hype died down a bit, Neal took the three teenagers out. He bought them all some new clothes—Trent just for the hell of it—and then dropped Trent off at home before taking the other two home with him.

He glanced at the other couch, smiling a little. Nicky and Trent were being very kind to Neil now. They had him sitting between them and Nicky had his arm around Neil. He chuckled a bit when Peter messed with his hair. “Glad you woke up, sleeping beauty,” he whispered. Neal closed his eyes, letting himself feel only Peter’s hands.

“What time is it?” he asked quietly.

“Quarter to ten, honey.”

Neal moaned and rubbed his eyes. “I think it’s time for bed, boys.” He pushed himself up and was startled by a sudden kiss from Peter—pleasantly startled. “Mm. I want some more kisses when we get to bed,” he whispered. Peter smiled at him. The older man knew they weren’t going to make love, but that didn’t mean they couldn’t make out. Neal was exhausted and Peter understood. Neal taxed himself emotionally after all of the day’s events. Killing Vincent, rescuing and caring for Neil, coming home… He really couldn’t blame Neal for being tired and he was glad Neal called June to ask her to take over _Neal’s Net_ for the evening, promising her that he’d be there tomorrow.

Neil and Nicky didn’t move. Nicky was genuinely stubborn when he didn’t want to go to bed and Neil was just following his lead because he wanted Nicky to like him. “Nick, listen to dad.” Nicky sighed and rolled his eyes as he leaned forward to grab the remote. “I saw that,” Peter said, warning in his tone. Nicky’s cheeks heated up as he turned the movie off. “Go get ready for bed. I think dad took Neil’s toothbrush upstairs and put it in the bathroom already.” He glanced at Neil. “You heading up with him or do you need a few minutes to yourself?”

Nicky knew for sure that something was going on with the other boy just by how his parents were treating him. “I’ll head up.” Peter nodded, watching Neil jump off of the couch to follow Nicky upstairs.

“How are _you_ doing, my love?”

“I’m okay. I need you to help me with something before we go to bed if that’s okay.”

Peter gave his husband a sad smile. “I’ve already pulled the alcohol and cotton balls out, hon.”

Neal laughed lightly. “You know me so damn well.”

The older man kissed his husband’s hair, pushing himself off of the couch a moment later. He helped Neal up and they both went through the downstairs making sure everything was cleaned up and that all of the lights were off—including the game system downstairs since Nicky frequently forgot to save his games and turn it off.

As both of the older men were heading upstairs to tuck the boys in, Peter’s phone rang. “Shit,” he whispered.

“Go answer it, love. I’ll put the boys to bed.” He kissed Peter and let Peter rush back downstairs to grab his phone. He didn’t linger on the stairway, giving his husband a little bit of privacy. Peter was trustworthy. He always told Neal about the phone calls and he’d even explained the picture of the man Neal found in their bedroom long ago. That man was someone he’d suspected in one of his cases and it turned out to be a false suspicion, so he’d gotten rid of the picture and Neal questioned him about it upon seeing him toss it into the trash.

“Hey, daddy,” Nicky said happily when Neal walked into his room.

Neal smiled. “Hey, baby.” Nicky was just pulling his pajama shirt on as Neal sat down on Nicky’s bed. “Thank you for being nice to Neil. He’s really scared and he’s really going to need you. I’m sorry for putting this on you, but you’re pretty good at making friends with other kids.”

Nicky nodded. “What happened to him? Why is he so scared?”

His father frowned, looking at him warily. “We found him with Vincent earlier today.” Nicky’s eyes widened. “He thinks he was there for at least a week.”

“Oh, my God. Dad, why didn’t you tell me earlier?”

“Because I know he doesn’t want all of the attention. He’s the same way as I am. I don’t want to put the spotlight on him and make him uncomfortable, Nick.”

Nicky nodded. “I guess that makes sense. I’m curious though. Why is he with us instead of his family?”

“We tried to find them earlier. Obviously, we had no luck. You know I wouldn’t put him out on the streets.”

The teenager scooted closer to his father, hugging him. “You’re everyone’s dad,” he whispered, “because you care about kids so much even if they aren’t yours.” Neal smiled, rubbing his son’s back. “You may be everyone’s dad, but you’re _my_ daddy. My and the babies’ daddy.”

Neal chuckled, kissing his son’s hair. “I’ll always be your daddy just like you’ll always be my baby.”

Nicky kissed his father before playfully kicking Neal to get him off of the bed. Neal laughed and got up, pulling the blanket back so he could tuck Nicky in. “Will you always tuck me in, dad?”

“If you want me to, you know I’m happy to.” Nicky nodded, smiling up at Neal as Neal tucked the blanket in around him like he always did. He met his son’s eyes and Nicky gave him a silly smile. Neal chuckled. “What?”

“You’re just really awesome. I know I’m lucky to have you.” Neal’s lips parted. “I could have a dad who doesn’t care about me or a dad who hates me and wants to abuse me. Some of my friends have dads like that, but I got lucky. I have a dad who loves me a lot.”

Neal bent over to kiss Nicky’s forehead, stroking the side of his face for a moment while smiling softly at his son. “I’ll always love you a lot, kiddo. Poppa’s my husband, but you’re my first love,” he said with a wink. Nicky grinned at him, knowing what his father meant. “Get some sleep, baby boy. I love you.”

“Night, daddy. Tell poppa I said good night.”

“Poppa will come in here and say good night himself,” Neal teased. He glanced over at the doorway and whispered, “He really loves that you kiss and hug him before letting him go to bed, too. That means a lot to him, Nick.” Nicky smiled. He liked making his fathers happy and he especially liked making Peter happy because Peter keeps Neal happy.

Neal stepped out after exchanging another ‘good night’ with his son. He headed into the guestroom to find Peter standing in the room already. Peter turned to look at him, looking excited for whatever reason. Neal knew Peter would tell him why. Neil was sitting on the bed, looking up at the two men. “Now that you’re finally here, I have great news.” Neal glanced at the teenager and then back at his husband who nodded. Peter turned to Neil and said, “You’re completely clean, Neil.”

The younger man grinned as Neil jumped off of the bed and ran over to Peter, hugging him tightly. “No diseases or any of that stuff?”

“Nope,” Peter confirmed. “You’re completely clean, kiddo, which is really lucky.” He met Neal’s eyes and gave the younger man a sympathetic look. Neal shook his head and Peter looked down as Neil moved away and turned to hug Neal. “You can rest easy tonight.”

“Oh, crap.” Peter looked at Neal concernedly. “I have to get your medicine. One sec.” He gently separated himself and Neil before heading downstairs to grab the prescription bag. He took it into the kitchen and measured out the exact dosage the doctor told him to give Neil and mixed it in with some water. Feeling more and more tired by the second, he went back upstairs quickly. “Here ya—” Peter was holding Neil and Neil was crying against him. Peter looked at him and mouthed ‘needed to let all the fear out.’ Neal nodded and let his husband soothe the teen. He knew he took over when it came to children, so he let Peter have the torch for once.

“Neal brought your medicine upstairs. Is it okay if I give it to you?”

Neil nodded and sat back to rub his eyes a bit. Neal handed the glass to Peter and Peter gave it to Neil with a small smile on his face as he did so. Neil drank the whole glass before handing it back to Neal. “Thank you both,” he whispered. “You’re both awesome dads. Kind of wish I didn’t have to leave you guys someday.”

Neal and Peter shared a sad look that Neil didn’t see because he’d been rubbing his eyes. Neal didn’t want to see Neil out on the streets one day. He knew how that felt, too. Before finding Mozzie, Neal had been on the streets for roughly a year and a half.

Both of the older men tucked Neil in and Peter went to say good night to their son before heading into their bedroom together. Neal stripped down to his lingerie as soon as he closed the door and headed into their bathroom. Peter followed him and helped him clean the scar on his thigh because he knew how paranoid Neal was about it. Afterwards, Neal climbed into their bed and laid on his stomach. Peter crawled over to him after stripping down to his briefs. He straddled Neal’s waist and rubbed the younger man’s back, leaning forward to plant occasional kisses between Neal’s shoulder blades and up the back of Neal’s neck. He tentatively touched Neal’s scar while rubbing Neal’s skin. “God. If this were anyone else, they wouldn’t be allowed to sit on my ass and rub me.” Peter snickered, kissing Neal’s left shoulder. “It feels really good and it’s even better knowing that it’s you.”

“I’ll always love you properly. I know how afraid you are of having anyone behind you.”

Neal smiled, closing his eyes. “You’ve never been like that,” he whispered. “I trust you in every single way.”

Peter was touched by that. He slid his hands across Neal’s broad shoulders and then down his arms until he was able to grasp Neal’s hands. “If you don’t like things I’m trying out on you, you’ll tell me, right?” Neal nodded. “I want to hear you say that.”

“If I don’t like things you’re doing to me, I _will_ tell you, Peter Michael,” he said, his voice sounding sure and strong. Peter accepted that and tentatively pulled Neal’s left arm back, bending it over Neal’s back. He glanced at his husband’s face before leaning forward to kiss his way up Neal’s arm starting with his palm. He went sideways to Neal’s elbow and up to his shoulder. Neal’s brows furrowed a bit as he wondered what Peter was doing. He kept his eyes closed so he could just _feel,_ but he had no idea what Peter had in mind. He’d been fine up until Peter decided to pull his right arm back as well. His eyes flew open and he wrenched his arms out of Peter’s grip in a panic, gasping for breath. “Don’t do that.”

Peter’s eyes widened and he apologized, leaning forward to kiss Neal’s shoulder. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

Neal nodded, glancing over his shoulder. Peter looked like he felt terrible and Neal sighed. “I get that you’re into the ‘worship my husband’s body like a god’ thing, but don’t ever pull both of my arms behind me like that.”

“It’ll never happen again,” Peter said sincerely. He slid off of Neal and laid on his stomach beside him. “That was pretty selfish of me. I shouldn’t have done that.” Neal gave him a small smile and Peter frowned. “I should’ve thought about what I was doing and looked at the repercussions of it. This was an obvious mistake on my part and I’m truly sorry.”

“It’s okay. I know you won’t do something twice if I tell you to stop,” Neal said softly. “Don’t beat yourself up about it.” Peter was quiet for a few moments and Neal shifted over, laying his head on Peter’s chest. He draped his arm over Peter’s torso and pulled the blanket up to cover them before closing his eyes. “I’ve told you that I trust you with my heart, my life, my body, and my son. You earned my trust, Peter. I know you aren’t sadistic. If I ask you to stop, you don’t even hesitate to move away from me or immediately stop what you’re doing. I appreciate that more than you know.”

Peter pulled Neal closer and kissed his hair. “I love you too much to keep doing something that hurts you,” he whispered. “You’re my priority. Sexual urges or other things similar to that are nothing in comparison to how important you are to me.”

They whispered their love for each other before cuddling. Neal absently stroked Peter’s chest and Peter traced the scar on Neal’s back. This amongst Neal’s other scars was the reminder that Neal was delicate and should be treasured. He’d been hurt too much over the course of his life and Peter didn’t want to add any lasting physical or emotional scars to Neal. Neal’s heart and body suffered through everything he was forced to do. Peter could help those things, but scarring Neal’s mind would be different. If he hurt Neal so badly that Neal was instinctively afraid of him, he knew he’d never be able to mend that.

He kissed Neal’s hair again and thanked Neal’s God for creating Neal. He believed that God was cruel for letting so many horrible things happen to Neal, but he made Neal and helped him survive. If Neal hadn’t been born or if he’d been killed, Peter realized he never would have met his soulmate. He didn’t want to imagine living without this man and their family. He didn’t want to change anything about this life for either of them because who knows if they’d be together if things were different? He didn’t want to find out if he’d have met his husband under different circumstances or not. He’s perfectly content with his life and Neal seems like he is, too, so Peter figured he’s been doing _something_ right and he wanted it to stay that way.


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal faces the consequences of his inability to follow FBI protocol; Neil feels guilty and, in his attempt to make up for it, he sends Neal spiraling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a brief minor/adult sexual encounter. It is _not_ explicit, but it's there.

Neal glanced over his shoulder to briefly look at the man writing down everything that was being said word for word. He was being drilled by their superiors for his actions when they’d rescued Neil several days ago. “On what grounds do you believe you were justified in immediately murdering the assailant without making an attempt to arrest him?”

He leaned forward so he could speak clearly to the investigators in front of him. “Vincent Adler was my stepfather. He’s a registered and known sex offender and that was proven a few years ago when I testified against him in court. He was convicted of raping me as a minor as well as abusing my son who was also a minor at the time of his kidnapping. As soon as I, Agent Peter Burke, and our CI entered the building, he was raping the teenager in front of us.” Neal inhaled sharply, clasping his hands together tightly. “I will admit that my actions were wrong. I acted impulsively and went against protocol.”

“You tampered with physical evidence.”

“I know,” Neal said firmly. “But if you’d seen him—”

He was cut off immediately. “As a member of the law enforcement, you should know how to properly go about situations like this.” Neal’s jaw clenched as he nodded. “Because of your impeccable reputation amongst the White Collar division and recommendations from your direct superiors in your division, all you are being given is a five week suspension.” Neal closed his eyes, wishing he’d thought with his brain instead of his heart. He changed his mind and wished _they_ would think with their hearts. Damn the law, he figured, for damning him while he tried to help the kid who was still being raped the moment he’d barged into the farmhouse. “You are to give your badge and gun to your Assistant Special Agent-in-charge, you are not permitted to take part in open investigations, and you are forbidden from entering or nearing the premises of the FBI building for the duration of your suspension. Any violations of your suspension may result in more severe consequences.”

They went on to tell him that his mental and emotional stability was being questioned as well as his ability to follow the rules. All he did was nod. He disliked these men because they seemed so cold and heartless. He assumed none of them were fathers and figured none of them would actually understand what it’s like to deal with a teenager, and a teenage rape victim at that. He knew he should have followed protocol. Peter always did when it came to Neal, but Neal hadn’t thought about his job. He thought about his duty to protect the teenager. Children, regardless of age, always came first in his book.

Peter hadn’t been let into the room when they told him Neal was being interrogated. It scared the hell out of him to see that his husband was being surrounded by Reese’s bosses and, the moment Neal came out of the interrogation room, Peter was there. “What’d they say?”

“I’m suspended for five weeks,” Neal said angrily. “I’m such a fucking idiot.”

Peter bit his lip. He hadn’t been thinking properly either, but everything had been pinned on Neal because he’d directly interacted with Neil and he’d killed Vincent. There was no arguing that Neal was the shooter because it had been his gun and his bullet. “Neal, they have to understand to some extent that you—”

“I’m emotionally unstable is what they declared and I’ve been recommended to a psychologist that I _have_ to see twice a week for the next five weeks.” Peter didn’t know what to say to that. “I’m about ready to hand everything over and just walk away from this job. What kind of bullshit is this? They weren’t there to see how much pain he was in and how disgusted he was with himself.” He turned and gestured at the room the investigators were still sitting in even though he couldn’t see them anymore. “I’m tempted to walk back in there and ask if they’d like pictures taken of them after being raped.”

The older man had no intention of turning on his husband, but he knew they were going to have a full-fledged argument at some point over this. “Neal, we should have taken pictures for proof. You were…emotionally invested in—”

“ _You’re_ turning against _me?_ ” Neal asked incredulously. “God damn it, Peter.” He pulled his gun out of the harness beneath his suit jacket and unclipped his badge from his belt and shoved them at his husband. “Give them to Reese. I’ll have my resignation for you to take to him in the morning. I’m fed up with this federal bullshit.”

“Neal, think about this before you do something impulsive,” Peter warned.

“I’m already impulsive, Peter! I don’t belong here. All I am is a liability. The only thing I’m good for here is taking the brunt of the damage. I’m a perfect whore for our marks, too.” He gritted his teeth, breathing heavily. “I’m resigning whether you like it or not. I know you’re bound by the law, but I can’t follow in your footsteps. I couldn’t just wait for them to take pictures of him. Do you know how much _worse_ that would have made things? Peter, if I’d had pictures taken of me after I’d been raped—at any point in my life—I know I would resent people who allowed or took pictures. Who the hell wants to look at someone bruised, battered, dirty, and violated?” Peter frowned at his husband. Neal wanted answers from Peter, but he knew Peter wasn’t going to give him anything, so he shook his head, sighing exasperatedly. “I’m going home. Do me a favor and clean out my desk when you get back to the bureau. I’m done. I’ll find a different job that doesn’t involve fucking my morals for the law’s sake.”

“Neal, please,” Peter pleaded, reaching out for Neal’s arm.

Neal wrenched himself away from Peter. “Go to the bureau. I know you’d rather be there than with some dumb fuck who completely disregarded everything we were taught during college and at Quantico. Some top-class agent I am, huh? Bet you’re wishing you’d never met me or asked to promote me past probie, aren’t you?”

Peter shook his head and tried to kiss his husband, but Neal shoved him away. He didn’t want to lose his husband over this, but Neal was very hostile and would be for a while. There was no way he’d stop Neal from leaving the FBI if that was what Neal wanted, but he didn’t know how else Neal would get a job. Peter assumed that this case went on his record and he wasn’t sure if that affected _Neal Burke_ or _Special Agent Neal Burke._ “Damn it, Neal,” he said brokenly.

“I don’t even want to look at you right now for siding with _them._ ” He waved dismissively at Peter as he took his leave without giving Peter the opportunity to say anything else. Peter felt horrible for abandoning his husband, but the men who’d interrogated Neal knew that Neal acted wrongly and Peter knew that as well. _Neal_ knew that.

He just hoped that the younger man calmed down and had a chance to think things over before doing something self-destructive.

•◊•

Neal threw his suit jacket onto the couch the moment he walked through the doorway to his home. “Emotionally invested,” he muttered under his breath. “Go fuck yourself.” He threw his empty Espresso across the room and just growled in fury, sitting on the coffee table with his head in his hands.

“Neal?”

“Yeah?” he said, trying to calm himself down. He wasn’t doing a very good job of it and he’d frightened Neil.

Neil swallowed hard. “What’s wrong?”

Neal shook his head. “Nothing. I just did some stupid things that got me into a lot of trouble. I’m quitting my job.” Neil looked surprised when Neal lifted his head. “It’s nothing you need to worry about, Neil. I just royally fu—” He cleared his throat. “I screwed up really badly and Peter agrees with them.”

“Is it because of me?” Neal hesitated. He wasn’t _blaming_ Neil. It wasn’t Neil’s fault. It was his own fault for acting irrationally. “You can tell me. I heard you and Peter kinda arguing this morning before you left for work.”

“It isn’t _because_ of you. I didn’t act the way I was supposed to when I rescued you. There were things I should have done that I didn’t do and things I did, but shouldn’t have done. I’m a murderer according to them because I killed _him_ without justification—whatever the _fuck_ their definition of justification is in this instance.”

Neil bit his lip. “If it’s any consolation, Vincent had pictures.” Neal’s attention snapped directly to the teenager who was now standing in front of him. “He…said he was going to photoshop someone into them later. Now that I know your story, he was probably talking about you.”

Neal waved it off, sighing. He shuddered at the thought that Vincent kept thinking about him for over twenty years. Neal never once loved that man and he wasn’t sure if Vincent was capable of love after the way he’d treated his stepson and wife. “It’s too late for me to do anything now. I don’t have a badge for the next five weeks.”

Neil gave the older man a bit of space, knowing Neal was in a terrible mood and definitely needed time alone. He felt so guilty, feeling like he’d just destroyed Neal’s career. Neal was so good at it in his opinion and he worked hard for nothing.

The house was quiet since the babies were napping and Neil assumed Neal went to sleep as well. Sleeping was a decent escape from reality as far as Neil was concerned and he wouldn’t be surprised if Neal thought it would work now. Neil felt like he needed to make up for messing up Neal’s life, so he went upstairs to find the older man.

The teenager cautiously pushed Neal’s bedroom door open to find Neal sleeping on his side on his bed. The intercom to the babies’ room was on the mattress beside him and he was snoring quietly. “I’m so sorry,” Neil whispered more to himself than to Neal. He felt disgusting, but decided he was going to go through with his apology. His apology wasn’t going to be verbal and he sincerely hoped he’d make up for _some_ of his guilty conscious and Neal’s rage.

He crawled onto Neal’s bed and stared at Neal’s face, biting his lip. He was hesitating because he wasn’t sure what was good for Neal. Instead of waking Neal up and getting caught by just sitting there, he decided to act. Neil gently rolled Neal onto his back and moved to straddle the older man’s waist. He was trembling as he leaned forward and pressed frantic kisses against Neal’s face, focusing more so on kissing Neal’s lips.

Neal was too unaware to know what was going on and Neil hoped it stayed that way. He wanted to make Neal feel better physically. Neil slid his own shirt off and tossed it down onto the bed beside Neal before carefully lifting himself to slide his new jeans off. His underwear came next and tears slid down his cheeks as he fumbled to unbutton and unzip Neal’s pants. He had no idea what Neal was wearing for underwear, but he didn’t care. He moved the fabric aside and slid down Neal’s leg a bit.

Neil briefly looked up at the sleeping man before pulling Neal’s cock out of his lingerie. He started sucking on the older man vigorously, hoping he was making a difference even if it were just a dream to Neal. After a few moments, Neal moaned, “Peter…” He kept moaning his husband’s name until his eyes slowly started to open. Neil was licking the slit of Neal’s cock just as Neal looked down at him. It took Neal a moment to realize what was happening. “Holy fuck!” he cried, moving away from the teenager quickly. He rolled right off of the bed and was fixing his clothing in a frantic rush. He turned once his pants were readjusted and stared at the teen incredulously, “Why in the holy fuck were you just doing that?”

“I owed you since I ruined your job,” Neil whispered.

Neal shook his head. “Get your damn clothes on. Holy shit, Neil.” He rushed out of his own bedroom and only made it halfway down the stairway before he sank to the floor and covered his mouth in horror while tears streamed down his face. That was _not_ something he ever wanted, willing or unwilling, and he had no idea why Neil felt compelled to make it up to him in _that_ way.

He looked down at himself and was immediately repulsed. He’d just gotten a blowjob from a thirteen year old and he’d _almost_ ejaculated only because he thought it was his husband. “Neal,” Neil whispered a little ways behind the older man. “Are you okay?”

“Dear, God. What the hell makes you think I’m okay? I somehow managed to guilt you into giving me a God damn blowjob. That’s like asking my _son_ to blow me.” He shuddered and tried to think about something else. “I can’t stay here now. I can’t live with this. I just raped you while I was sleeping.”

Neil shook his head. “You didn’t do anything. It isn’t like you had sex with me.”

“Oral sex is still sex,” Neal said bitterly. “I’m a rapist,” he said brokenly, covering his face with his hands. He was beginning to hyperventilate. All of this seemed and felt so wrong to him. Even now, he didn’t want to make Neil finish what he’d started. Part of him questioned his own declaration that he was a rapist because he felt nothing but remorse for acting childish to make Neil feel guilty. He hadn’t intended on making Neil feel that way and he honestly didn’t even realize that he had. He didn’t think he could ever ejaculate again after this because it would feel sick. “I’m so sorry, Neil,” he said as he began to sob.

Neal got up suddenly and raced down the stairs, grabbing his phone. “What are you doing?”

“I’m reporting myself. I’m not going to—”

“No! Don’t!” Neil pleaded. “Neal, please. You didn’t do anything. You didn’t even move subconsciously.”

He lunged at Neal, grabbing the phone before Neal could make his call. “Neil, stop!”

“You stop!”

In the end, Neal’s repulsion got the best of him and he let Neil win while he rushed into the kitchen to empty his stomach. He’d never wanted this to happen and it did. He just sat on the floor, holding his stomach with one arm while covering his mouth with his other hand. He had no idea what he was supposed to do. He hadn’t known who to go to when he’d been raped as a teenager and he didn’t know what to do now that _he_ had raped a teenager. Neil didn’t see it that way, but _Neal_ did.

He had no idea how to even begin explaining this to his husband without Peter giving him such a look of disgust. Peter never looked at him that way before, but that was well before Neal had a teenager suck his dick.

•◊•

Peter went home around lunchtime to see if he could make amends with his husband. He’d been expecting things to be quiet, but he heard Neil sobbing upstairs. His brows furrowed and he began to wonder where his husband was. Neal’s Corvette was in the driveway and he was always very attentive when it came to children. Peter knew he wouldn’t neglect Neil and Neal had the twins here, too. He was responsible for all three of the kids since Mozzie left mere moments after Neal came home. “Neil?”

“Peter,” Neil said, running out of the guestroom to meet Peter at the stairs. “You need to go in your room and see if he’s okay. I’m afraid to go in.” He started rubbing his eyes. “He’s been in there for a long time.

His heart raced as he finished climbing the stairs and immediately ran into his bedroom. The genuine fear in Neil’s eyes and voice scared the hell out of him. What the hell happened in the hour and a half Neal had been home alone?

He stared in horror as his eyes followed a trail of blood that started at the foot of their bed and continued into the bathroom. He felt sick and part of him was beginning to consider that Neal killed himself. His stomach wanted to lurch at the sight of the trail, but he heard a faint noise coming from their bathroom. If Neal killed himself, he hoped to God Neal hadn’t hung or strangled himself in the bathroom. It was very possible and he didn’t know if he could stomach that sight.

The moment he pushed the bathroom door open, he could hear Neal’s quiet sobs. For a split second, he was relieved. Then he looked down at the floor and his heart ached. Neal was sitting in their bathtub, surrounded by his own blood. He held a razor in his right hand and began cutting into his hip. “Neal!” he pleaded, reaching over in an attempt to take the razor. Neal screeched at him as Peter removed the razor from his husband’s hand. Peter threw the razor across the room and got into the bathtub with his husband.

Neal had reopened Craig’s name on his thigh and added ‘rapist’ to his lower leg. He prayed that that wouldn’t be embedded into Neal’s skin and was relieved when he realized it wasn’t deep enough to scar. “I raped him,” Neal murmured repeatedly, sounding like he was stuck in a loop.

“Neal, you didn’t rape anyone.” Neil hadn’t said anything about that. He was just concerned about Neal and he seemed too afraid to consider checking on the older man himself. Peter understood that part, but he didn’t understand _this._

Neal’s eyes slowly moved to meet Peter’s. “He was sucking my dick,” he hissed. “I almost came in his fucking mouth, Peter.”

Peter shivered at how hardened Neal’s eyes were. “Who?”

“Neil.” Peter stared at his husband in surprise. “I went to take a nap because I was pissed off with you and the bureau and the law and I was dreaming about you sucking on me. I thought you were doing it because it felt so damn real, so I managed to wake up and there he was. He was completely naked and sucking me. I raped him.”

Peter shook his head. “Honey, no. You didn’t rape him,” Peter whispered. He looked down at his husband’s naked body and panicked as blood began to soak through the knees of his own dress pants. “Jesus Christ. Neal, you’re going to kill yourself.” Neal nodded slowly and Peter was absolutely stunned. He stared at his husband incredulously and his heart felt like it was breaking. “Don’t you dare leave me!” Peter whispered fiercely. “You promised me you wouldn’t leave me alone, Neal.”

Neal was shaking his head, sobbing simultaneously. “Please kill me,” he pleaded. “I’m a monster.”

The older man pulled Neal close, cradling his head. He kissed Neal’s forehead as tears slid down his own face. “Neal, no. I need to get you to a hospital before you bleed out and die.”

“I could have killed myself quickly,” Neal said, gasping for breath. “I looked up where to cut to kill myself, but I deserve this. I need to suffer for what I did.”

Peter tried begging Neal to calm down and he tried to persuade Neal to go to the hospital with him. As soon as he realized Neal passed out, he ran out and grabbed a blanket, heading back into the bathroom to wrap his husband up in it. “Neil, I’m taking him to the hospital. I’ll call Mozzie from the car. Please, promise me you won’t hurt yourself or leave.”

Neil stared in horror at Neal’s body. He couldn’t see all of the damage, but seeing the blood on Neal’s neck and face as well as Peter’s clothing was enough.

Six hours after taking Neal to the hospital, Peter was let into Neal’s room. They told him Neal was awake and asking for him. The long wait nearly gave him a stroke because he didn’t know if he’d go in to find his husband in bandages or if he’d see him in a body bag. He hoped he’d never have to see the latter of the two. “Peter,” Neal breathed when his husband came into the room.

“I’m so pissed at you right now,” Peter said as another tidal wave of tears came over him. “How could you do this to yourself? To our family? To _me?_ ” He swallowed hard, staring at his husband angrily. He should have been happy to see Neal looking a hell of a lot better than he had looked earlier, but he wished he’d gone home to find his husband sitting on the couch or laying down in their bed angrily, not sitting in a pool of his own blood in their bathtub.

Neal nodded as Peter stopped a few feet away from the bed. “I overreacted,” Neal whispered, “and I am so sorry. I’m not going to beg for your forgiveness because I don’t deserve it.” Peter glared as he rubbed his eyes. “Peter, try to imagine how I felt when I woke up to find Neil blowing me. After everything I’ve been through—everything he’s been through, seeing him like that was wrong. It felt like you at first. When I opened my eyes…”

Peter crossed his arms over his chest. “So you tried to end your life?”

Neal gave him a pleading look. “You should understand,” he whispered brokenly. “You know what I’ve endured. I was thirteen when Vincent coerced me into letting him fuck me. When he started forcing me to blow him, I hadn’t wanted or liked it.” He shuddered and tears pricked at his eyes. “Neil didn’t like what he was doing, but he felt like he had to do it and that’s the part that’s killing me right now, Peter.” Peter gave him a confused look. “I was so furious when I went home and he blamed himself. His guilt made him do what he did.”

“You know how much I love you,” Peter said angrily, “but I have never wanted to hit you until now. You’re a God damn fool.” Neal’s eyes watered and he nodded. “You should have known you weren’t at fault for what he did, yet you nearly killed yourself. What if I hadn’t come home until later? I wouldn’t have gone home for at least four more hours if I didn’t stop by to have lunch with you.”

The younger man breathed shakily. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I know I’m stupid. I know what _I_ did was wrong.”

“And now you’re under suicide watch for the remainder of this week.” Neal gave him a stunned look. “I don’t give a fuck if you don’t like it. You’re the love of my life and our children’s daddy. How the hell could you, in your right mind, make such an impulsive decision to leave our _three_ kids? Do you know how hard it would be to explain to them that you committed suicide? Do you know what they would think, Neal? They would blame themselves even though they never had the chance to get to know you.” Neal was frightened the moment Peter surged forward and gripped the arm on the side of the bed tightly. Peter’s knuckles were white and Neal was glad Peter wasn’t touching him. “How could they believe that you loved them if you killed yourself? You’d abandon Nick and our babies, Neal. God damn you for being so inconsiderate of their feelings. Nick would be heartbroken and lost without you in his life, Neal. You’re his father—his _real_ father. The twins wouldn’t have been able to spend time with you like Nick did. They’d look at him and see how destroyed he is and they’d wonder why he looked that way. _Nick_ would feel like he was at fault. Even after all of these months, he still blames himself for what happened in that farmhouse when you were both taken away.”

Neal was sobbing quietly as he stared at his husband. He heard and understood everything the older man said to him and he knew every word of it was true. “P-Peter,” he whispered brokenly.

Peter shook his head and he looked like he wanted to grab Neal’s throat and strangle him. Part of him felt like hitting Neal at least once, but his rational side realized that that was uncharacteristic of himself. He’d seen Neal at his best and his worst and he’d stayed with Neal all of this time, through everything. Despite being as angry as he is, he could never bring himself to hit Neal. Not even once. “And fuck you, Neal George, for promising me you wouldn’t leave me. Doing this broke that promise.”

Peter knew he was being brutal, but he was angry and hoped to God Neal was getting the point. Neal’s hands shook as his right hand covered his left for a moment. Peter looked down to see Neal holding his wedding ring out for him to take. “I don’t deserve you,” Neal whispered, his lips trembling. “Leave me and take them. I don’t deserve you or our kids. I’m such a bastard.”

The older man sighed heavily and shook his head. He took Neal’s wedding ring and then Neal’s left hand. He slid the ring back onto Neal’s finger and intertwined their fingers. “I am so pissed off and I’m going to be pissed off for a while, but I need you, Neal. Call me a fool for wanting you, but I want you. When you aren’t like _this,_ you’re such a beautiful man.” He saw the regret in Neal’s eyes. “If you die, I’m nothing but a shell of myself. I can’t live without you here, Neal. I can’t father our kids alone. You are _so_ much better at this parenting thing than I am.”

“Obviously not,” Neal said, gesturing at himself.

Peter shut his eyes tightly and kissed Neal’s knuckles. “You are, Neal. I promise you we’ll work through this. I’m _not_ letting you leave us.”

•◊•

Peter brought Neal, Nicky, and Neil home after spending a couple of hours at _Neal’s Net._ The older man compromised with the doctors at the hospital and said Neal could be under suicide watch in their own home. Mozzie was the first to offer to watch him and Peter was grateful to the short man. Peter had no idea how Neal could be such a destroyed man who’d planned on committing suicide one moment and a man who guided children through their struggles after listening to them tell their whole story without interruption.

“Are you going to talk to me?” Neal whispered, looking at his husband after they’d gotten into their home. Peter hadn’t said very much to Neal since getting him discharged. Nicky and Neil noticed the tension between them and Nicky caught Neal staying a distance away from Neil now.

“You gave me such a fantastic night for my birthday and for our anniversary not too long ago,” Peter said quietly. “Were you putting on a show then and for the kids tonight?”

Neal’s eyes widened and filled with pain. “No. I genuinely felt the way I did and acted like myself. I wouldn’t lie to you, especially not on your birthday or our anniversary, and I wouldn’t mislead the kids.”

“Prove it to me then, Neal. Show me that you actually want to be here. Whether it’s being here with me or with our kids, that doesn’t matter. Just show me that you want to be alive.”

The younger man nodded. “I will, Peter.” He tentatively stepped closer to his husband, seeing the hostility in Peter’s eyes. Shutting his own eyes, he took the last few steps and slid his arms around his husband’s torso. “I have a very poor way of expressing my love for you,” he whispered, “but I love you so much, Peter. I want to be here with you.” He was relieved when Peter’s arms enveloped him and Peter kissed his neck. “If not for you, I wouldn’t have a home to call my own or a family to cherish. I’d have Nicky and Moz, but I’d have no one to love me the way you love me.” He buried his face into the crook of Peter’s neck and breathed heavily. “I meant it when I said I don’t deserve you. I’m truly fortunate to have you, Peter Michael.”

“Do you remember the vows we made to each other on our wedding day?” Neal nodded against Peter and Peter rested his hands on Neal’s lower back. “I promised to protect and love you, Neal, and I intend on doing so even if I have to protect you from yourself. I promised you I’d faithfully stand at your side, Neal.”

Neal nodded and breathed shakily as he said, “I promised I’d never leave your side.” Peter kissed Neal’s cheek, nuzzling their noses a moment later.

The two went upstairs and closed their bedroom door. Nicky was a little lost and Neil was a wreck that Nicky was trying to console. He wouldn’t tell Nicky what was wrong, so Nicky tried to take his mind off of it. He knew his parents went upstairs, so he’d keep Neil away from them for a little bit because they seemed like they needed space.

Peter stared at his husband as Neal stood in the doorway of the bathroom. Peter had managed to clean up the bloodstains in their bedroom area, but he left the bathroom as it was so _Neal_ could see the damage he’d done from Peter’s perspective. “Neal,” he said quietly.

He’d been hoping Neal might just clean it up instead of lingering on the sight of it. “Just…give me a minute,” Neal whispered. Peter wasn’t trying to torture his husband with this and he realized that he’d done just that. Neal’s guilt was eating him alive like it always did when he angered or upset Peter.

Peter shook his head and crossed the room. He wrapped his arms around Neal and kissed the nape of his neck. “For as frustrating and concerning as our relationship is at times, I love you more than life,” Peter told him.

“Sometimes, I really wish you didn’t. Like right now. I’m looking at my own blood as it’s drying or draining in the bathtub. The floor is a disaster and—oh, look. He moved away from Peter and found the razor he’d used, holding it up for Peter to see. “This is bloody and my skin is in the blade.” He threw it into the garbage and sighed heavily. “Maybe we should just split up. I’m doing destructive things for destructive reasons and I can’t live with myself knowing I’m dragging you and the kids down.”

“Going it alone is more destructive than anything you could do here,” Peter said fiercely. “I can come home to you and try to help you or take care of you. If you’re alone, I can’t—”

“We’re both grown men,” Neal snapped. “Looking at this mess makes me question myself. I truly believe I’m insane or on the brink of becoming insane. How the hell can anybody love me?” He slid his sleeves up his arms, looking at them critically. “I’m never going to be able to sleep beside you and feel comfortable in my skin because I’m constantly destroying it. Yeah, I know there are some scars that aren’t my fault entirely, but these… These are self-inflicted. I can’t walk around with my shirt off or with a short-sleeved shirt now because I don’t want Nicky to know that I did this to myself.”

Peter shook his head. “These will heal if you leave them alone,” Peter said softly.

He unintentionally found himself staring at Neal’s clothed thigh and Neal caught his gaze, following it to figure out what was on Peter’s mind. “I’m branded with Craig’s name, Peter. That’s never going to go away. It’s so painful even when it’s healing. Now that I’ve reopened it, it’ll hurt a hell of a lot more.” Neal closed his eyes and Peter wanted nothing more than to cross the room and pull Neal into his arms tightly. “They both branded me. Craig’s is physical and able to be seen. Vincent left scars that you can’t see.”

“Then let me leave my mark on you,” Peter whispered. Neal opened his eyes and gave his husband a look of question. “We need something special that’s us. I haven’t thought about it much, but… Around my birthday, I considered going out to get a tattoo.” Neal raised an eyebrow. He never thought he’d see the day where Peter Burke wanted a tattoo. “I want your name on my body. There’s never going to be another man in my life if you leave me. _You_ are the one I’m in love with and I’ll always be in love with you.” Neal was giving him such a sad look and it was hurting his heart to see that on the younger man’s face. “No one is perfect, Neal. You have your own set of flaws—same as I do. What makes you perfect to _me_ is that you accept them. You live with your flaws and I know you’ll work to overcome and overwhelm them.”

Neal shook his head. “Nothing—not a single thing—about me is perfect. My body is scarred, my mind is beyond fucked, and I’m not sure if I’m even meant to be this person. What if I’m not meant to be—?”

“I don’t care,” Peter said painfully. “You can think whatever you like and make yourself believe you’re worth nothing. If you were worth nothing, why do I care so much about you? Why do I love you so much?” He moved towards the younger man and was surprised when Neal allowed him to caress his face. “You’re my Neal,” he whispered. “I’m happy with you.” Neal started to mutter something about Peter having a distorted illusion of what happiness is and Peter silenced him. “If you look beyond moments where you’ve hurt yourself, where I’ve hurt you, or where you’ve hurt me, then you should see the moments where we express our love for each other openly. Neal, I see so much good in you. When you’re with kids, you are the most caring man I have ever seen. You’ve always put their needs above yours.”

“And look where that got me. I’m quitting my job because I’m such a ‘ _good_ ’ person.”

“No. You’re quitting because you’re an idiot,” Peter said, sighing. Neal felt like he should be slightly offended by that, but Peter wasn’t being bitter and he wasn’t angry when he said it. “Neal, you’re human. So you didn’t follow protocol… Neal, you’ve changed a boy’s life.”

Neal shook his head. “Yeah and I got a free blowjob that I didn’t even want out of it,” he muttered. “I should just become a stay-at-home kind of dad and shut the world out.”

Peter gripped Neal’s shoulders firmly. “No. That’s not the kind of man you are.” Neal frowned. “I’m going to get you through this whether you want me to or not. I am not abandoning you—not even after everything I said to you at the hospital.” Neal stared into his husband eyes, seeing the truth in his chocolaty orbs. “Your life is not set in stone. Don’t damn yourself for things you did or didn’t do. Please, help me help you.” The younger man’s eyes drifted away from his husband’s for a moment. As soon as he focused on the older man again, he nodded. “You and I,” he said, gesturing between the two of them, “will talk to Neil. We aren’t going to let this fester because I know you’ll bottle things up until you overflow. I don’t know how he is, but I’d prefer not to find out. I want us to fix this.”

“Nothing can fix this,” Neal whispered.

“With that attitude, you’re right,” Peter snapped. Neal seemed to shrink into himself and Peter sighed. “I know you’re not the kind of man to just give up when things get rough. Honey, you’ve pulled through so much. I’m pretty sure we can handle talking to a teenager.” He rubbed Neal’s shoulders, staring into his husband’s pained eyes. “Stop doubting yourself and everything around you,” Peter begged him. “I _am_ in love with you and I _always_ will be. You _are_ a strong man. You _are_ a sweetheart. If you can’t believe me when I say those things, I’m going to show you that _I’m_ right.”

Neal tentatively rested his hands on his husband’s hips. “Okay,” he whispered, keeping his eyes locked onto his husband’s. Peter gently pressed his forehead against Neal’s and closed his eyes. He slid his arms around Neal’s neck, holding him like this for a change. “I’m sorry for everything I’ve done wrong—and not just today,” he added softly. “I know I can do better than this and I’m going to try.”

“For me or for yourself?” Peter asked. That was a critical question. If Neal answered that it was for Peter, Peter may actually smack Neal upside the head and walk away from him. If Neal said he was doing this for himself, Peter would be proud of him and he’d encourage it.

“Myself,” Neal said warily. Peter pecked Neal’s lips and nodded. “Thank you, Peter, for staying with me. I know I’ve put you through— _still am_ putting you through hell, but it means so much to me that you’re that in love with me.”

Peter smiled a little. “Neal, I’ll never call a moment I’ve spent with you ‘ _hell._ ’ I have voluntarily spent time with you for the past five years and I want to spend so many more years with you.” Neal hugged Peter, holding onto him tightly. It didn’t matter that his body was in pain because he’d done it to himself. He’d hurt Peter a lot more than himself and he owed Peter so very much. He breathed heavily as he kissed Peter’s jaw. He knew he really fucked up and he planned on fixing this and his work situation.


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal struggles to accept his past and his present.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you're interested, the visual representation of the tattoo on Neal's back is [here.](http://anakin-caffrey.deviantart.com/art/To-Finally-Be-Free-INMFYFY-499374034)

Neal raised an eyebrow as Peter made pained sounds. “Regretting this yet?”

The older man glared at his husband. “Never.”

Peter was getting his tattoo done a month following his comment to Neal about it. The more thought he gave to it, the more he wanted to do it, so he managed to convince Neal to go with him. Neal was going to get two for himself and Peter knew one was going to be much more painful than the single tattoo Peter was getting.

He sucked it up while staring at his husband. This was absolutely worth it and he felt that they needed this. He was getting _NG_ tattooed on the left side of his chest and Neal was planning on getting _PM_ on the left side of his chest as well. Neal’s second tattoo was symbolic of how far he’d come since he was thirteen. He’d drawn it himself earlier in the week and Peter loved it. It was a withering feather with small birds flying away from it as though they’d come out of it. He believed he’d freed himself partway by killing Vincent, so he felt inspired—even if the ramifications of it weren’t all that wonderful.

By the time they were done with their tattoos, almost two and a half hours had passed. The initials on their chests were moderately quick. It was Neal’s second tattoo that was taking longer. He was getting it on the left side of his back starting around the middle and curving up towards his left shoulder blade. He didn’t want to get it over his scar, so he’d curved it a bit. Peter was watching the man put the tattoo into his husband’s skin and it looked painful as hell.

Neal was rubbing his wedding ring in an attempt to keep himself relaxed. He didn’t want to mess up what the artist behind him was doing. “Hey, Peter?” The older man made a sound of acknowledgement. “Do you think I deserve to get my badge back next week?”

Peter smiled a little. “Yeah, I do. It’ll be nice to call you my Special Agent for Thanksgiving.”

Neal rolled his eyes even though Peter couldn’t see him doing it. “Are we hosting for your parents, heading up to your parents’ place, or should I ask my dad if he wants to join us?”

This was the first time in a while that Neal acknowledged his father’s existence and presence in their lives. “I think mom and dad said they wanted to come down to visit. Do you want to ask your dad to come over anyway?”

“I’m not sure. I haven’t spoken to him since before…”

Peter nodded slowly. “I understand. He did stop by on your birthday. He said he had something for you, but he wanted to give it to you himself, so he has to come back at some point.” Peter shrugged. “Maybe you should give him a call and see how he’s doing. Our parents haven’t seen each other in a long time.”

“My _mother_ is not coming to Thanksgiving dinner,” Neal said tightly.

“I didn’t even think about asking her over,” Peter said softly. “I know how you feel about her and I won’t make you miserable. She’s your mother. If you don’t want her over, that’s your choice and I respect it.” He moved around to stand in front of his husband, giving him a wry smile. “And you know I feel the same way you do.”

Neal nodded. “I do know that.”

“James talked about Christmas last year and he seemed excited, so… Are you okay with having him over then?”

Neal’s eyes widened. “Holy shit. I haven’t told him about the twins.” If the man behind him hadn’t been tattooing him, he would have palmed his face and hunched over. “Wow. Some son I am. I didn’t even tell my father that we had twins in March.”

Peter gave him a sympathetic smile. “Well, you were kind of preoccupied.”

The younger man scoffed. “That’s one way of putting it.”

Both men were quiet for a short while after that discussion and Peter understood why Neal had gotten quiet. Two days after the twins had been born, he and Nicky were taken. For two weeks, he suffered to protect his son. Upon coming back, he spent three weeks in a hospital bed. That was at the forefront of Neal’s thoughts and concerns for quite some time and Peter neglected to mention Neal’s birthday gift since he hadn’t even been home for his birthday to begin with and he was far too concerned about Neal to even give the gift a second thought at the time.

When Neal’s tattoo was finally completed, he felt relieved. The man gave them both care cream and told them how to take care of the tattoos for a little while since they were brand new before they paid him and he let them head out. “I bet you’re glad we’re together,” Peter teased as he and Neal walked down the sidewalk to get to the Taurus. They’d parked a block away since there hadn’t been any closer parking. “I’d like to see you take care of that on your own.”

Neal rolled his eyes. “Oh, yes. I married you just so you’d be here to help me clean my tattoo every single day for the next few weeks,” he said sarcastically.

Peter stopped them both and turned to face his husband. “You’re beautiful, even when you’re sarcastic.” He gently pulled Neal’s face towards his and kissed the younger man. Neal pressed himself against Peter, resting his hands on Peter’s hips. Peter moaned a bit when Neal’s hands slid around to the back and started rubbing his ass. The younger man raised an eyebrow while they were kissing.

When they parted, Neal whispered, “I didn’t think you’d like me touching your ass.”

“Well, maybe you shouldn’t hesitate to try new things. You’ve always been good with your hands, baby.” Neal chuckled. “All right. Let’s head home, sweetheart. I feel really bad about leaving Mozzie with the twins and Neil so much.”

Neal was quiet for a moment. “Moz doesn’t mind watching Brie and Joey. He’s their uncle and I know he loved watching Nicky when Nicky was little.”

Peter nodded, taking his husband’s hand. They continued walking down the sidewalk quietly until Peter asked, “Have you talked to Neil at all recently? You both apologized to each other, but you’re still distancing yourself from him.”

“I’ve already been accused of statutory rape once. I’d prefer to keep it that way.” Peter was confused until Neal expanded. “I’m afraid that I’m going to do something that makes him snap. If he reports me to the police, only God knows how he could possibly twist everything that happened. No, I didn’t participate because I was sleeping. No, it wasn’t my fault. People won’t care about what I have to say though.”

“That isn’t true.”

“I’m an adult and he’s a minor. He’d win against me especially because of the past accusation.”

Peter unlocked the car on the passenger side and Neal got in. He went around to the other side and got in, inserting the key into the ignition. “You’ve never felt this way about kids before. Do you think he’d really twist this to blame you?”

Neal shrugged. “Trent was the prime example of that. Granted, he was being abused if he didn’t listen to his father, but still. His word carried more weight than mine did. I’d never been around Trent before his fight with Nick and I definitely hadn’t been around him until we arrived in court that day.”

“Neal, I don’t think he’d do that to you. You saved him from Vincent. He knows that you got into trouble for it, but he still looks up to you.”

Peter was surprised by the distasteful sound Neal made. “Don’t use that terminology. He was looking up at me while performing oral sex on me. I woke up and he was looking up at me.”

“Wow. I didn’t even look at it that way,” Peter said quietly. “I’m sorry, honey.”

“I think about things like this. They bother me, Peter,” Neal whispered. “I haven’t let you go down on me or even stroke me because I feel like I might come and believe he was the only reason I did.”

Peter reached over to rub Neal’s shoulder while he pulled out of their parking spot. “Neal, it’s been weeks since all of this happened.”

“It took months for me to let you make love to me again,” Neal snapped. “It’s hard for me to come back from something like this quickly. I still feel horrible.”

“When we’re making love?”

“No,” Neal said, rubbing his eyes. He felt like crying and he didn’t even know why. “I’m fine when we’re together. I just… I see Neil and it’s worrying me that I may be developing some kind of fetish for teenage blowjobs. I don’t know what to do about it.”

Peter’s brows furrowed. “You’re seeing him blow you?” Neal nodded. “If you enjoy what he does to you, then we may have a problem. What are you feeling when you’re seeing him?”

Neal closed his eyes and sighed shakily. “I feel like a monster, Peter. I spent almost twenty years telling myself Vincent was a monster. At the time, he was.” Peter slid his hand down Neal’s arm until he was able to intertwine their fingers. “Craig is a demon and a monster combined. I’d rather have Vincent rape me than Craig because Vincent never hurt me externally. Occasionally, I bruised because I hit something by accident or I’d cut my lower lip by trying to break away from his kisses, but he took care of me while he was raping me.” Peter squeezed Neal’s hand. He wanted to say something to soothe his husband, but he realized this wasn’t the right moment to do so. “He, like Craig, called me a slut or a whore and made other sexual comments. The difference is that Vincent wanted to kiss me while he was doing it and Craig never wanted that. Craig would bite me if I resisted. Vincent didn’t rip my clothing to shreds. He kept them intact and even helped me dress myself when there were nights where I felt really drained or light-headed because of how often he wanted me and the fact that I wasn’t getting enough sleep.”

Peter looked at his husband when he stopped at a red light. Neal looked haunted and Peter wasn’t sure if he should let Neal continue to reflect on his past this way. He knew that the rapes between Vincent and Craig were completely different in nature, but he wasn’t entirely comfortable with allowing Neal to throw himself back to those times. “Honey, I understand,” he said softly.

The younger man shook his head. Just as he began speaking again, the light changed. “I don’t know what it was, but it felt different. I’m going to sound twisted when I say having sex with Vincent was better than Craig, but it’s true. Craig didn’t give a damn if he hurt me internally. I think he was addicted to making me bleed.” Peter caught him rubbing his right thigh and wished Neal didn’t have to live with this. “In some really sick and sadistic way, I think Vincent was being honest when he told me he loved me. He forced me to have sex with him, but he wasn’t intent on killing me or inflicting excruciating pain. He actually acted like a lover would at times. There were some days when he was really pissed off and I could always tell because he thrust harder and he pinned my arms behind my back.”

The older man nodded slowly. “Are you trying to compare yourself to them?”

“Yes,” Neal admitted. “In addition to that, I never really…talked about what went on when all of this was happening. You know the basics and you saw the damage.” Neal squeezed Peter’s hand now, knowing his husband was sensitive to things that hurt Neal. “Twenty-four years ago, Vincent took my virginity from me. He scared me and it hurt a _lot._ Now that I actually took the time to reflect on it, I realize he never meant to brutally take me. No, he didn’t use any lube, but he was still sympathetic. The first time he raped me, he made me look at him and he kissed me repeatedly, going so far as to kiss my tears away.” Peter felt sick listening to this. He didn’t want to imagine someone thirty or so years older than Neal loving Neal.

“He’s still a monster,” Peter whispered.

Neal nodded. “I’m not trying to say otherwise. He took something I could have given to you if he hadn’t forced himself on me and if I hadn’t been so desperate for love afterwards. Vincent was still rough with me sometimes, but he tried to be careful. He liked when I screamed or cried out and he…made me yell his name if I came.” Neal shuddered, reliving those moments. “He jerked me until I came and it was humiliating. That bastard thought I enjoyed it. My body enjoyed it and responded to his stimulation, but _I_ didn’t like it.” Neal laughed mirthlessly. He was quiet for a few moments, losing himself in his reflections. “Wow. I just realized he actually did give a damn about me.”

“What do you mean?”

“When Nicky and I were their captives, Vincent was the one who brought me something to eat and drink. I always gave it to Nick, but Vincent brought it to me. I don’t think Craig knew about it because Craig liked that I was suffering. He fed Nicky only because I was doing what he wanted.” Neal smiled sadly. “I don’t know if he wanted to rape me and Nicky,” he whispered. “He always made that threat that he’d rape my son if I didn’t go willingly, but I don’t think he’d ever actually do it. He knows that would hurt me and he didn’t like doing that. When I was forced into sex with both of them, I was always looking at him and he was always kissing me or stroking my hair. Sometimes, when he was trying to please Craig, he’d bite my lip or tug on my hair roughly, but he didn’t _want_ to hurt me.”

Peter was really surprised by this. He hated Vincent for raping his husband as a teenager and as an adult, but what Neal was telling him made a little bit of sense to him. “Do you think he would have made you his lover if you’d stayed instead of running away?”

Neal shrugged. “I don’t know. He might have.” He rubbed his thumb over Peter’s skin. “I think there were times when he considered freeing me because I caught him staring at me like he was in actual pain. He was putting on a show for Craig, but I think he was actually hurt deep down in that black hole he had for a heart.” Neal glanced at Peter with tears in his eyes. “I wonder if he would have freed me at some point because he didn’t like how brutal Craig was.”

“I’m glad we didn’t have to wait to see if he would have or not,” Peter said, his voice sounding sad with a tinge of anger. “He hesitated for two weeks, Neal. I don’t know if he would have sprung you out of there. For all we know, you might’ve died beforehand. You were very close when we came for you.”

“I know.”

•◊•

Peter kept his eyes on Neal as they ate dinner. Nicky and Neil were quiet while Neal fed Joey and Brie. Peter offered to help him, but Neal was adamant when he said he could do it himself. After earlier, Peter assumed Neal needed to do something to make himself feel better and taking care of his children was usually one of the answers. “Dad?” Neal glanced at Nicky. “After dinner, can I see your tattoo?”

“It’s just poppa’s initials,” Neal said quietly.

“No. I mean the one on your back. You didn’t show me the design before you went today.”

Neal nodded slowly. “Yeah. I guess I could do that.” His cuts were still healing, but he looked so much better now. Peter made sure Neal stopped messing with them if he caught Neal doing just that. Neal had a nervous habit of picking at his arms and Peter gently tried to let him know that he was hurting himself.

After Peter finished eating, he gathered up the boys’ plates and his own. He asked Neal if Neal wanted to eat and was thrilled when Neal said he would. “I’ll be right back,” he said, leaning over to kiss Neal’s temple before heading into the kitchen. He started rinsing the dishes and realized that Nicky had followed him into the kitchen. “Hey, buddy. What’s up?”

“What’s wrong with dad? Why is he being so distant?” Peter was quiet and Nicky knew what that meant. “Did he hurt himself?”

“No,” Peter said softly. “He… He’s just having a hard time coping with everything. His doesn’t know if he wants to go back to the FBI next week or not.” He reached out to stroke Nicky’s hair. “Dad and I have been having some problems of our own that we’re trying to work through when dad’s cooperative. You know about what happened between him and Neil, right?”

Before Nicky could comment, Neal called out, “Love, can you get me a towel or something, please?” Peter’s brows furrowed as he grabbed one of the towels they kept downstairs in their kitchen. As he walked into the dining room, he felt bad for his husband. Neal was covered in Brie’s dinner after she’d already eaten it. “Thanks,” he murmured, using it to wipe Brie’s face off first since she’d spit up on herself as well.

“Honey, I can clean up down here if you want to change your clothes.”

Neal smiled wryly. “Oh, no. I’ve learned not to change my clothes until they’re _both_ done.” Peter chuckled as Neal glanced up at him. “When Nick was a baby, he’d throw up twice on occasion.” Nicky’s face heated up as Neal smirked at him. Peter ruffled Nicky’s hair. “I know what I’m doing,” he teased.

Peter moved closer to kiss Neal’s temple, whispering, “I’ve never doubted that.”

After everyone finished eating, dinner was cleaned up, and the dishes were done, everyone went out into the living room. Nicky and Neil were on the couches and Peter and Neal sat on the floor. Neal was balancing Brie while she gripped one finger on each of his hands. She wobbled a bit, but she seemed like she was getting stronger. Joey was just being a lazy, little guy with Peter. “Is she gonna walk soon, daddy?”

“Maybe. You were walking around eight months, too.” He kissed Brie’s cheek. “Hey, little princess.” She laughed beautifully and Peter knew Neal loved that. He got onto his knees and stood up a moment later, holding Brie’s hands gently. “Let’s see if we can make it over to poppa,” he said animatedly.

Peter watched Neal as Neal leaned over their daughter a bit to help her slowly take steps towards him. Joey was watching his sister and started throwing a fit when Brie was actually coming closer to Peter. She stumbled a bit and Peter’s hands reflexively flew out as if he were trying to catch her. Neal had her though and he caught the look Neal gave him. Peter always saw love in Neal’s eyes when they were looking at each other, but he saw absolute adoration in Neal’s eyes now. “C’mon, baby girl,” Peter encouraged, holding his hands out as she came closer. Once she was within reach, Neal carefully let go of her and Peter picked her up, holding her in the air. “Look at you, big girl! You walked all the way over here with daddy!”

Neal’s eyes lit up while he kept his gaze on his husband. Brie was giggling at Peter and both men couldn’t help laughing when she drooled all over him. “Bet that was yummy,” Neal said as he chuckled.

“I’m getting used to being drooled on. After all, I _do_ sleep beside a drool machine.”

The younger man raised an eyebrow. “Oh, I do not drool that much.”

Peter smiled a bit as he set Brie down on his lap. He started making baby sounds back at her like Neal always did. “Neal.” Neal’s heart leapt into his throat for a moment as he turned a bit to look at the teenager sitting beside his son and Peter rested a hand on Neal’s stomach, keeping his eyes on the younger man. “Can I talk to you? Alone?”

“Go ahead, honey,” Peter encouraged. Neal gave him a pained look. “Baby, you’ll be fine,” he added quietly.

Neal swallowed hard and glanced at Neil, nodding slowly. He got up and motioned for Neil to join him in the dining room. It was close enough to Peter and he felt moderately comfortable with that distance. If something were to happen, Peter would be able to act quickly and that relieved him. “What’s up?” he asked as he took a seat. Neil sat in the seat beside him, looking up at him.

“Are we okay? I mean, I still think of you like a dad to me.” Neal smiled weakly, feeling miserable. “I’m still really sorry…”

“No. Don’t be sorry,” Neal said quietly. The last time Neil had been sorry, he’d thrown Neal over the edge unintentionally. He sighed. “Neil, we’re okay. I don’t mind having you here or being around you. I’m just jumpy and nervous.”

“And afraid of me,” Neil whispered. Neal was about to deny that. “I talked with Nicky and he agrees with me. He told me more about what happened with you and Trent before.” Neal glared into the living room for a moment. “You were always afraid that Trent would call someone and report you or find some way to hurt you.” Neil reached over and grabbed Neal’s hand, holding his fingers with tears in his eyes. “I would never do that to you. You got into a lot of trouble because you saved me, but you saved me anyway. If you’d let him live, I don’t know how long that would have gone on for.” Neal wanted to reach over and wipe Neil’s tears away, but the kid was right in saying Neal was afraid. “You told me about going against him in court and how terrified you were. You saved me from having to go through that. I know killing him on the spot wasn’t right when it comes to your job, but it meant a lot to me and you’re my hero.”

Neal shook his head. “I’m not a hero,” he whispered.

“Please, stop feeling so guilty, Neal. You and Trent are okay now after everything that happened there.”

“There was no sexual act between me and Trent,” he snapped. Neil flinched, retracting his hand. Neal could hear Peter shifting in the living room. “Stay there, Peter. I’m fine,” he said, sighing. He lowered his head to his palm and closed his eyes. “I never had any kind of sex with Trent. What happened between us was still oral sex to me and I’m disgusted with myself.”

Neil frowned. “What can I do to help you feel better about yourself?”

“You’ve done _enough, _” Neal said firmly.__

•◊•

After the family came home from spending a couple hours at _Neal’s Net,_ Neal tucked the twins and Nicky in before heading into his bedroom bathroom. Peter said he’d join Neal for a shower in a few minutes. He was sitting in Neil’s room, smiling sadly at the teenager who was crying in front of him. “I don’t know what to do to fix this. He’s never gonna treat me like his son again because he thinks he took advantage of me.”

“Give him time,” Peter whispered. “It’s taken Neal months to recover from sexual assaults or situations that don’t involve him and me. There have been times where Neal had a hard time being around me because he wanted to have sex with me because he thought I wanted it.” Every single time he found himself discussing sex with a teenager, he felt awkward, but he didn’t know how to sugarcoat this. That was Neal’s area of expertise, but it wouldn’t work in this particular instance. “In your case, he’s having a hard time being around you because you’re vulnerable and he… He feels very strongly when it comes to children. He won’t treat you like some random kid. He’s distanced himself from you only because that’s his way of keeping you safe, but he’ll warm up to you again eventually.”

“He said it felt like he was asking his son to do that to him,” Neil whispered.

Peter nodded, understanding. “The way Neal rationalizes things is different than how I rationalize things sometimes. I’ll never call him mentally unstable because he’s a brilliant man, but he is traumatized. He’s been raped three individual times over the course of his life. The first two varied in length and included only one man. His third included both of those monsters.” Neil leaned towards him and he draped an arm over Neil’s shoulders. “He’s always tried to save children and they’ve always done something to show him how grateful they are. One kid gave him a rock and called him King Aqua. It was the cutest thing I ever saw between him and a kid who wasn’t ours.” He rubbed Neil’s arm gently. “He feels sick because he feels like he’s the cause for what happened. He believes he made you feel guilty, which in turn made you…do what you did. My husband, being the way he is with children and coming from a situation in which he was violated at a very young age, never wanted to be thanked the way you tried to thank him.”

“I know he tried to kill himself,” Neil said, raising a hand to rub his eyes. “I felt so horrible when you took him to the hospital. I’ve had nightmares about him dying because of what I did. If Neal died, I don’t know what I’d do. It would have been my fault.”

Peter spent twenty more minutes trying to calm the teenager and reassure him that things would eventually be okay and he told Neil not to worry about Neal because he was going to take care of his husband. Neil eventually began to agree with him and then he’d gotten tired, so Peter said good night and stepped out. Immediately upon pulling the door nearly to a close, he came face to face with his husband and startled. “Jesus Christ. Don’t sneak up on me like that.” Neal was frowning at him. “How long have you been out here?”

Neal looked at the door. “I heard everything,” he whispered. “I need to stop being such an asshole to him. It’s fine if I make myself feel like shit, but you know how much I hate doing that to others—especially kids.”

The older man caressed Neal’s cheeks, sighing. “Honey, you need to take your time and come to terms with—”

“It took me twenty years to tell someone I truly trusted about what Vincent did to me. I was fine after that until he kidnapped my son. When Nicky was rescued, I was fine. Then Craig came into the picture and kidnapped us. He used you as leverage and I gave myself up for you because I love you.” Peter knew the younger man was going to end up crying shortly, but he knew Neal might need it since he hadn’t cried or spoken about this topic much in the last few weeks. “What he did to me changed me, Peter. I’m not who I was before. Before Craig, I was actually beginning to calm down. The moment I did that, that fucker had to ruin everything.”

“Honey, let’s take this into our room,” Peter pleaded quietly.

“I was with him for a week and I came out of _that_ as a complete disaster. It took months for me to even feel comfortable with you, for me to even want to motivate myself and want to make love with you again. Vincent raped me for three years and I was able to let random men fuck me senseless and abuse the hell out of me.” He was breathing shakily as tears slid down his cheeks. “After a week with Craig, I couldn’t even look at you and have sex with you.”

Peter cautiously grabbed Neal and began to lead him into their room. They were too close to the kids and he didn’t want them to overhear Neal having a breakdown. “Honey, it’s okay now. You—”

The moment he closed the door, Neal grabbed the waistband of his own pants and shoved them down. “Then _this_ happened,” he said bitterly, referring to the scar on his thigh. He stared at Peter critically. “This is two weeks worth of hell. Craig cut me up and bled me until I could barely help Nicky let alone myself. I gave Nicky all of our food so he could stay strong and I was dying, Peter.” Neal was stumbling as he backed towards the bed, so Peter wasn’t surprised when Neal fell to the floor. He tried to stop it, but Neal covered his face and bent his knees. “I was raped and double penetrated for two weeks,” he said hysterically. “I was shown how much of a piece of shit I am in that time and now I’ve really done it. I’m fucking all of this up at home. I totally screwed myself out of my job by saving Neil and look. I got a blowjob and suspension for it. I should be in an asylum or a prison cell right now.”

The older man knelt in front of his husband. “Neal, stop this. Stop hurting yourself.” He tentatively touched Neal’s bare knees. “What they did to you hasn’t ruined you or anything here at home. You still have the love of your children. You still have me and—”

“Maybe you should be in an asylum, too,” Neal growled. “You see me every single day in every single state I could possibly be in. I know I’m losing it and I can’t control it. I’ve broken your trust and I’m hurting us. My kids will grow up to resent me because I know I’m going to commit suicide one of these days and you won’t be there to save me.”

“Don’t you dare say that,” Peter yelled quietly at him, scaring Neal. “God damn it, Neal. I won’t tell you to suck it up and shut up because I know you’re hurting so damn much, but stop telling yourself I’m going to leave you. Stop telling yourself that you’re worth nothing. You’re my God damn husband, Neal. Our marriage is meant to work for the rest of our lives and it means a lot to _me._ Don’t you dare cut your life short. I want you until you’re old and gray.”

“I’m not going to make it that far,” Neal whispered.

It took everything in Peter to keep himself from either hitting his husband or shoving him onto the floor in frustration. He just moved away from Neal because he didn’t want to hurt the traumatized man more. “Sometimes, I feel like you want me to hate you. You want to get away from me and from this life. Do you hate me and our children so much that you’d go to extremes to kill yourself?”

“I don’t hate any of you.”

He surged closer to Neal and gripped his biceps firmly. “Then knock this the fuck off!” he snapped. Neal’s eyes widened and his lips parted in shock. “You’re a brother, father, and husband. You have Mozzie and Michael to consider. You have Nick, Brie, and Joey to consider. If you hate me and can’t consider me, so be it, but don’t do this to them. If you’re happier without me in your life, you know I’ll never force you to stay with me. I love you beyond words, but I’ll never force you to do anything that makes you unhappy.”

“I want to be with you,” Neal said with tears in his eyes.

“Then show me that,” Peter pleaded. “All of this makes me feel like I’m causing your misery just by existing in your life. I feel like a failure because I can’t even give you reason to live.” Neal was sobbing then and Peter felt terrible for hurting Neal emotionally like this, but he was being honest with him about all of this. “If you kill yourself, I’ll blame myself. I wouldn’t have been able to save you and I would hate myself for the rest of my life because I lost you when I could have done something.” He wrapped his arms around Neal’s neck, holding onto him as though he were frightened by the idea of Neal disappearing in the blink of an eye.

Two hours later, Neal was staring up at Peter while breathing heavily beneath their blankets. “This wasn’t makeup sex,” Neal stated firmly. “I want you to know that I’m happy even when I’m being such a dick to you.”

Peter was still inside of his husband and he shook his head, lowering it to press his forehead against Neal’s bare chest. “Sex will never show me that you’re happy,” he whispered. “Not in the way I’m looking for anyway. I know I’ve made you physically happy, but I’ll never be able to tell if I’ve even done anything to help you emotionally.”

Neal gently lifted Peter’s head by his chin and searched his husband’s eyes for a moment before gently moving away from Peter. “Stay here.”

“Where are you going?” Neal slid off of the bed and moved across the room, crouching to pull something out of Peter’s dress pants. “Neal, what the hell are you doing?” The moment he heard the small clattering noises, his heart leapt into his throat. Neal turned to face him and cuffed his hands behind his back. “Neal, what the hell—?”

“Fuck me like this,” Neal said fiercely. “Get me out of this God damn funk where I’m so damned afraid to be with you because I feel them. Fuck me while I’m chained up.”

“No.”

“Do it, Peter.”

“No,” Peter repeated firmly.

Neal growled in frustration. “Then I’ll go outside and have someone else do it.”

Peter scared the hell out of Neal when he threw the blankets back and leapt off of the bed, moving towards Neal to shove him against the wall. “What the hell are you trying to do to us? You know I’ll never abuse you—not this way or any other way. I love you, damn it.”

He was staring into Peter’s eyes, seeing the genuine anger in his husband’s brown eyes. “Don’t abuse me then,” he whispered. “I want to get onto the bed on my knees and have you make love to me behind me.”

“What good will that do?” Peter asked incredulously.

Neal sighed shakily. “I read about this,” he whispered. “Please, help me relive the—” Peter knew what Neal didn’t say because he knew Neal hated the word ‘ _trauma._ ’ “If I relive it with you, I can control it. I can take control of myself and I-I…” He swallowed hard. “I can change the events of what happened by doing this with you.”

“That doesn’t make me want to do this.”

“It’s psychoanalytical,” Neal said quietly.

Peter shook his head. “No. I’m not doing this to you.” Neal began to plead and Peter was losing his control. Soon, he was sure he’d give in to Neal’s request and he’d hate himself for it. “Don’t make me hurt you,” Peter pleaded in response. “I’ve told you I’m never going to make love to you if I can’t look at your face. I refuse to stand or kneel or _whatever_ behind you.”

“It’ll help me.”

The older man saw the desperation in Neal’s eyes. “You know I’ll do anything for you,” Peter said tightly, “but this is one thing I can’t do. I can’t hurt you sexually. Not on purpose. Don’t make me do this, Neal.”

Neal, having forgotten he’d cuffed himself, tried to move his arms to hold Peter’s hips, but he realized he couldn’t do that. “Will you pretend then? Put your briefs and my lingerie back on and try this with me?”

“No.”

“Peter, please.”

“I’m not doing this to you!” Peter cried exasperatedly. “You’re making me feel guilty, damn it. You know I want to help you, but not this way, angel.” Neal was silent and Peter sighed, moving towards his husband. He grabbed the key to the cuffs and stood behind Neal, unlocking the cuffs. He tossed the handcuffs aside and wrapped his arms around Neal’s torso. “I love you too much to hurt you to help you feel better. If there’s any other way I can help you through this, I’ll do it. I refuse to make you relive the sexual abuse. If I did that to you, I don’t think I could stay with you.” Neal choked back a sob and Peter kissed his shoulder. “I wouldn’t be able to look at you and have the genuine feeling that you love me. I don’t want to become one or both of them, Neal. This is scaring me more than I’m letting on and I’m concerned.”

Neal turned in Peter’s arms and Peter held him close as he sobbed against Peter. “Peter,” he whispered miserably.

Peter kissed his husband’s hair. “We’re going to get through this. Someday, I’m going to help you live the life you want without all of this being at the forefront of your mind,” he whispered. “I’m not leaving you, Neal, honey.” He kissed Neal’s temple and rubbed Neal’s back. “Mom and dad will come down for Thanksgiving. They’ll prove to you that you’re worth loving. You’re special to them, honey, and they have a closer connection to you than they do to Cara’s husband. They’ve never called him their son the way they do with you.” Neal nodded, remembering that Peter told him that before. “You’re not an in-law. You’re their son.

“I’m so thankful for you and our family,” Neal said as he sobbed. “You’ve all been so damn understanding and I don’t know how.”

Peter closed his eyes, nuzzling the side of his face against Neal’s. “You’re worth it,” he whispered fiercely. “You’ve always been worth it whether you believed me or not, Neal. We all want you to know we love you.” He squeezed Neal gently. “Mom and dad adore you. Our babies love you with all of their hearts. Mike and Moz will do anything for you.” Squeezing his husband a little tighter before rubbing his back slowly, Peter whispered, “You know I’ll burn the whole world down for you. I’d go to the ends of the earth to find you and to save your life. You are the only man I gave myself the chance to fall in love with, Neal, and you’re the only man I’ll ever love this much.” Tears slid down his own cheeks as Neal’s chest shook against his. “Please, let me help you through this. Please, let me love you.” He inhaled sharply, fiercely pleading, “Let me love you.”

Neal nodded quickly, resting his hands on Peter’s shoulder blades, exhaling heavily. “I will. I will, Peter,” he said breathlessly as he sniffled.

“We’ll make it through this one step at a time,” Peter promised. “And I’ll be right at your side during every one of those steps.”


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal and Peter have a few things to work on and through; Peter's parents come in for Thanksgiving.

Lightning cracked like a whip and thunder boomed like a drum, immediately waking Neal out of a dead sleep. He sat up and glanced at the window, watching the rain slide down the glass. A moment later, he heard the babies crying. “Peter,” he whispered, nudging his husband. “Peter, wake up.” Peter groaned and Neal rolled his eyes. “Babe, wake up. The kids need us.”

Peter groggily sat up, rubbing his eyes. “Ah. Thunderstorm,” he muttered.

Both men slid out of bed and pulled their underwear on. Peter raised an eyebrow at the lingerie that barely covered his husband. “I’ll put a robe on,” Neal said defensively as he crossed the room to grab said robe. Peter chuckled and headed out of the room, knowing Neal would be right behind him in a moment.

Peter picked Brie up, hushing her as she wailed. Neal came into the room very quickly after that and went to grab his son. He held Joey and pressed kisses all over Joey’s face, whispering that everything was just fine. Within moments, Joey was calmer. Brie was still wailing and Peter had no idea how Neal did it. Even after eight months, he was still trying to figure out how to calm his children. He just watched Neal and tried to mimic him. He figured he was doing something wrong when he tried to copy his husband because Brie was still wailing. The moment he pressed her against his chest and had her head on his shoulder, she began to settle. “Nice hair,” Peter murmured when he looked at his husband a little longer.

Neal smiled at Peter. It’d been a couple days since his major breakdown, but things were okay again. The morning following Neal’s proposition to Peter, Peter found Neal in their bathroom with the razor in hand. He’d checked Neal after taking the razor away from him and was surprised to see that Neal hadn’t hurt himself. Neal wanted to try harder. Peter’s angry outburst made him realize how horrible he’d been to his husband. Neal didn’t like seeing Peter so pissed off at him. The fact that he’d shoved Neal against a wall spoke volumes to Neal. Under normal circumstances, Peter never would have done that.

The two put the babies back into their cribs and stood between the cribs for a few moments. Peter stood behind Neal with his arms around Neal’s torso, his chin on Neal’s shoulder. “I love you,” Neal said as he turned his head a bit. Peter kissed him gently, rubbing over Neal’s stomach with his thumbs. When they parted, Neal’s eyes searched Peter’s. “Thank you,” he whispered.

Peter knew this had very little to do with them being parents. He knew Neal was still troubled when it came to what happened between them the other night. “Good or bad,” he whispered, “I’m not leaving your side.”

“That means so much to me,” Neal said as he rested his hands atop Peter’s.

They left their children’s room and stood in the hallway outside of their bedroom. “You know… I’m not all that tired anymore.” Neal gave him a small smile. “I mean, we could go in there and make some sparks, but…”

“Yeah,” Neal said quietly. “We could go downstairs and get some coffee. The kids will probably be up soon.” Peter nodded and they went into their bedroom to make themselves look decent in case any of the kids woke up. They were both shirtless and in their sleep pants. Peter pulled on some socks and Neal opted to go barefoot.

“Mom and dad are coming in tonight,” Peter said. “Just to remind you.”

Neal nodded. “My dad will be here tomorrow. He’s in Pennsylvania for something today, but he’ll drive here tomorrow morning.”

“Are we housing him?”

“No. He said he’ll travel back and forth for visits. He knows mom and dad are coming in and I told him about Neil. I told him we have a little surprise for him when he gets here. We’ll introduce our babies to their other grandfather.”

Peter nodded and took his husband’s hand, leading him downstairs. “Are you going to let me help you make Thanksgiving dinner this year?”

Neal grinned at him. “I haven’t let you make it in any of the four years we were together prior to this.”

“I know I told you I burned the turkey once, but that was only because I didn’t have someone to supervise. This time, I’ll have the most gorgeous supervisor ever.” Neal rolled his eyes. “Please, hon? You or you and mom do it every time. I want _us_ to do it this year.”

The younger man tugged on his husband’s hand. He stepped closer to Peter and kissed him softly. “We can do it this year. It’ll give your mom a break for once.”

“You know she loves cooking with you.” Neal chuckled. “You actually know how to measure things out the way she tells you to. I seriously suck with food.”

“Damn good thing you didn’t strive to become a cook.”

They went into the kitchen and Neal started up the coffeemaker while Peter searched the fridge for something to eat. He glanced at Neal for a moment and found himself staring at his husband’s ass. He was pissed at Neal for tempting him with the handcuff play the other night. If Neal wanted to do it for reasons that didn’t include revisiting painful experiences, he might have considered going through with it to an extent. He still would have refused to take Neal from behind because that isn’t his style.

Even when he’d been with El, he wanted to look at her face. With Neal, he was truly in love. He wanted to see his husband’s face—or his boyfriend at the time since they hadn’t been married before they made love. Either way, he loved looking at Neal.

Closing the refrigerator, Peter moved towards his husband. He slid his arms around Neal’s waist, clasping his hands together in front of Neal’s stomach. He rested his head against the back of Neal’s, closing his eyes. Neal touched Peter’s hands gently, rubbing Peter’s skin with his thumb. “I love you so much,” he whispered, his voice thickened as his emotions took a rollercoaster ride. He’d seen Neal in so many different ways over the last five years and he still found himself very fortunate to have the man in front of him.

“I love you just as much,” Neal said quietly, “even if I suck at proving that to you.”

Peter smiled weakly, kissing the nape of Neal’s neck. “Every day that you live, you prove to me you love me,” he whispered. “If you can look at me and see a reason to stay alive, then I know you love me.”

Neal turned in Peter’s arms, wrapping his arms around Peter’s neck. “I know I’m not a very good husband, father, or _person._ I’m sorry that I’ve put you through so much hell since—”

Peter surprised Neal by lifting him up onto the countertop. “I’m still here, aren’t I?” Neal frowned and Peter leaned forward to kiss him, rubbing Neal’s left thigh. He was trying to stay away from Neal’s right thigh as much as he could. “We don’t have a _normal_ relationship and that’s fine, Neal. You’re still my lovely husband despite what’s been done to you. I love you with all of my heart and I want to get you through this.” Neal nodded, resting his hands on Peter’s shoulders. “I know you feel so alone sometimes, honey, but you’re far from being alone. You’ve got me, our three babies, my parents, your dad, Moz, Mike… I can keep going.”

The younger man smiled weakly. “I know that,” he whispered. “I’m not the brightest bulb sometimes.” He leaned forward and pressed his forehead against Peter’s. “I know you’re going to help me and that means a lot to me. I could have lost you so many times, Peter. You could’ve walked away from me and I wouldn’t be able to blame you.”

“When you feel alone,” Peter whispered, taking Neal’s hands from his shoulders to hold them in his own hands, “tell yourself to believe that I’ll never leave you, Neal. No matter what happens between us, I don’t want to be away from you, lover.” He laughed lightly, pecking Neal’s lips. “I know you’re trying as hard as you can, baby. Just… Just remember that you have a family. Your parents are…questionable family members and—”

“My mother is dead to me,” Neal whispered.

Peter nodded, closing his eyes. “But you’ve got three children and you are the biological father to one of them. That boy would be lost without you in his life, Neal.”

Neal’s eyes watered as he nodded. The farmhouse came back to him in flashes. Nicky’s fearful expressions, Nicky’s tears, Nicky trying to keep him warm. “ _Daddy, don’t let them hurt you anymore._ ” He closed his eyes as Nicky’s voice pulled at his heartstrings. “ _Please don’t make me lose my dad, too._ ” He didn’t even register Peter’s voice or hands as Peter tried to drag him out of his flashback. “ _Dad, I love you and I don’t want you to die… I’m so lucky to be your baby… I’m here. You’re not alone._ ”

The older man had no idea what was happening to his husband, but he was beyond concerned. Neal wasn’t responding to him. He was conscious, but Peter didn’t think he was seeing or hearing anything in reality. “Honey, can you hear me?”

“ _Dad, I wouldn’t leave without you… Don’t fight me! I’m trying to save you!_ ” Neal sobbed and he didn’t even realize he was doing it. Every time he heard his son’s voice, his chest hurt a little more. “ _Daddy, poppa’s coming… Dad, everything’s gonna be okay…_ "

He gasped and his eyes opened. His vision was completely blurred, but he knew Peter was in front of him. “Baby, what is it?”

Shuddering, Neal whispered, “I’m so sorry.” Peter held onto him, kissing his hair. He wasn’t entirely sure why Neal was apologizing to him, but he wanted to comfort him nonetheless. Neal’s chest was heaving and he was breathing heavily. “I’m so God damn selfish,” he whispered fiercely. Before Peter could ask him to clarify, he continued. “Nicky did so much for me to get me out of that hellhole and this is how I’m repaying him,” he said bitterly. “He tried his damnedest to keep me alive and I’m doing everything I possibly can to kill myself.”

“Honey,” Peter said softly, leaning back. He caressed Neal’s cheeks, staring into those beautifully blue eyes. “You’re still here with him. You haven’t killed yourself—and I’m so thankful for that.” He kissed Neal’s nose. “He doesn’t even know that you…you know. Everything’s okay, baby. You’re here, we love you, Nicky saved you, and everything’s okay now.”

Nicky and Neil went downstairs almost an hour later. Nicky was surprised to hear the television on downstairs and even more surprised when he saw his fathers on the couch together. Peter was lying on his back with Neal asleep on top of him. He was stroking Neal’s hair slowly as he watched a quiet baseball game. “Morning, poppa,” Nicky said quietly.

Peter smiled up at his son. “Good morning, you two.”

The two teenagers came downstairs and took up the other couch. Nicky kept his eyes on his father, whispering, “What’s wrong with dad?”

“Nothing’s wrong with him. We were up really early and he exhausted himself.” Nicky nodded, glancing at the baseball game before looking at his poppa again. He could see that Nicky knew something happened and Nicky was trying to figure it out. “Daddy’s fine,” Peter whispered.

Peter watched Nicky and Neil on the other couch. He wasn’t sure where Neil was at in his friendship or relationship with Nicky, but he didn’t want something to happen to Nicky. He understood his husband’s irrationality and impulsiveness better than anyone and Neil was nearly the same way. It made him wonder if Neil would latch onto Nicky the way Neal latched onto him five years ago. Granted, Peter hadn’t known what to do for Neal early on, but it was essentially the same. Nicky, after watching his fathers, understood a little more.

He was a little concerned that Nicky and Neil were getting too close only because Nicky hadn’t talked about Trent very much in recent weeks. Those two were nearly inseparable and Nicky only spoke about him once or twice and hadn’t asked for a sleepover at all. He or Neal would probably end up talking to Trent’s mother to figure out what was going on between their sons. The last thing Peter wanted Nicky to do was phase Trent out of his life because of their houseguest. “Poppa, I was texting Trent before I came downstairs.” Peter startled a bit, wondering how the hell Nicky could have picked up on that line of thought. “Do you think we could have him over? His mom’s going out of town for work during Thanksgiving and he was asking if he could spend it with us.”

“I don’t think that’ll be a problem at all,” Peter said softly. “Grandma and grandpa are coming in tonight. He’ll have to stay in your room since the guestrooms will be filled, kiddo.” Nicky smiled and that relieved Peter.

“Hey. Is dad’s dad coming over this year?”

Peter nodded. “Daddy talked to his dad not too long ago and he’ll be here.” He found it strange that they didn’t have an actual term to use for James yet. Hannah and Jon were grandma and grandpa from the start and Maryann, for however brief a time, had been his ‘grandmommy.’ James didn’t seem to care all that much because he just enjoyed being around his family. Neal even slipped a few times and used his father’s name rather than ‘dad.’ “He’s excited to see you again—and he’ll meet the twins for the first time. Daddy and I were talking not too long ago and we’re going to surprise him with the twins.”

“Um. Poppa, they’re almost a year old and you still haven’t told him about them?”

Peter’s eyes flickered down to Neal before refocusing on Nicky and Nicky immediately understood.

•◊•

“Grandma! Grandpa!” Nicky barreled into his grandparents the moment Neal let them in. He chuckled as Jon pulled Nicky into a bear hug, tickling him after Hannah gently hugged him. He loved when Jon tickled Nicky because it made Nicky laugh crazily.

Jon eventually kissed Nicky’s temple, poking his ribs. “Hey, Nicky boy!” He ruffled Nicky’s hair before moving in to hug Neal tightly. “Hey, son,” he whispered, kissing Neal’s neck.

Neal smiled. “Hey, dad.”

“Where’s that hubby of yours?”

“Right here.” Peter was coming downstairs with both twins in his arms. Neal immediately reached out for one of them. He knew Peter felt like he couldn’t hold both of them at the same time, so he chose to relax Peter. The older man was always worried that he’d drop one of them and he’d hate himself for that. Brie tugged on Neal’s shirt collar as he held her against him. “Hey, guys,” he said as he half-hugged them both.

Neal went into the living room with Hannah and Nicky. Peter handed Joey to his mother before helping his father take their things up to the guestroom. “How have you been, sweetheart?” Hannah asked Neal as they got relaxed. She sat on the couch, holding Joey on her lap, Nicky beside her, and Neal sat on the floor with his daughter.

He met Hannah’s gaze and gave her a small smile. “Better.” He and Peter both spoke about what’s been going on around the house as of late. Jon was always sweet when it came to Neal and Neal really looked up to him for guidance, especially when he and Peter were having problems and he was trying to figure out what he could do to work things through with his husband. He knew Peter pretty well, intimately and otherwise, but he still had his moments where he didn’t know what to do to help the situation. “Peter’s opened my eyes to reality a little more,” he said quietly as he helped Brie stand in front of him.

Hannah gave him a soft smile. “He loves you, sweetheart—as do the rest of us.”

Brie giggled in front of him, stumbling a bit as she gripped Neal’s index fingers tightly. “I know that,” he whispered. “I have a lot to live for. I have a beautiful and wonderful family.” He glanced at Nicky and was thrilled to see his son smiling.

Upstairs, Peter and Jon were getting the other guestroom set up. Neil was keeping to himself even though both Peter and Neal said he was welcome downstairs. “How’s he been, Peter?”

“He’s doing very well. I think his sessions with the kids at _Neal’s Net_ really helps sometimes.” He laughed lightly as he added, “He’s been very happy with Brie’s walking and Nicky’s grades.”

Jon smiled. “How have you both been?”

Peter glanced at his father as he helped unpack his parents’ clothing. “It’s still rough occasionally, but we’re working through this. I’ve caught him zoning out a few times and he hesitated to talk about it at first. He usually freezes up when we’re in bed together because he finds himself focusing on the bathroom door.” Peter refolded a shirt before setting it into the drawer. “He regrets what he did and I’m proud of him for admitting that to me. He hasn’t cut himself once since and the only thing I’m seeing him do on a daily basis is mess with his thigh. He was doing that during a game we were watching last night.”

“Has he had any anxiety attacks because of it?”

“No, surprisingly. He’s cried a few times, but he’s been pretty calm. We had a…major problem not too long ago.” Jon paused to look at his son. “He really hurt me—emotionally. I…don’t know if I want to explain because it was just so not-Neal.”

“The handcuffs?” Peter gave his father an incredulous look. He didn’t realize his father knew nor did he realize Neal told him. He found himself wishing for once that he was the extremely jealous type that went so far as to go through his partner’s email, but he didn’t think Neal would particularly like that. Neal left his email open with Peter around, so it didn’t seem like he had anything to hide. He never switched tabs or closed the tab out when Peter stood behind him. “Neal and I spoke about it on the phone the other night. He told me you were sleeping and he was afraid to wake you.” Peter wondered when Neal would have called his father to talk about this because he usually woke up when Neal was on the phone anyway. He wished it’d been through email so he could read the conversation, but he supposed his husband needed a voice to talk to instead of a screen.

Peter’s lips parted. “What did he say?”

Jon took a seat on the bed and stared up at his son. “I’ll be honest with you. He was sobbing so much that it was hard to understand what he was saying until I managed to get him to relax. When he finally calmed down, he told me he felt really ‘stupid and weak.’” Peter shook his head, wishing Neal hadn’t felt so afraid to come to him. He realized he’d probably scared the hell out of Neal that night, so it made a little bit of sense. “He just needed someone to talk to about you. I know you were angry with him.” At the look on Peter’s face, Jon added, “He didn’t say anything cruel. He sounded like he understood why you were angry, Peter.”

“I was under the impression that he was being completely open with me,” Peter whispered, taking a seat beside his father.

“As far as I know, this is the one thing he needed to talk to someone else about. I told him he needed to talk to you, Peter. He was afraid of saying the wrong thing is all.” He patted Peter’s thigh. “He loves you very deeply, Peter.”

Peter and Jon both glanced at the doorway as Nicky came up to it. “Hey, kiddo,” Peter said with a smile.

“Dad wants to know if you’re coming back down, poppa.”

“Yeah, Nick. We’ll be right down.” Nicky came in and Peter held his arms out. The teenager hugged his poppa and Peter knew Nicky was trying to butt into their conversation. “You know,” he said playfully as he kissed Nicky’s hair, “dad has always been pretty accurate in calling you his little brat.” Nicky giggled when Peter squeezed him. “C’mon, kid.” He gently moved Nicky back and stood in front of him. Meeting Nicky’s eyes, he could see concern. He ruffled his son’s hair and took his hand, intertwining their fingers as he led him downstairs.

The biggest thing Peter loved about Nicky was that Nicky had a huge heart. He was a very sensitive, compassionate young man—more so when it came to his father. After all that Neal and Nicky had gone through together, Peter loved their son so much more. Hearing that Nicky took care of his father warmed his heart despite the circumstances.

As soon as the living room was about to come into view, Peter could hear Neal laughing. “C’mon, baby girl.” Peter stopped as his husband came into view and he watched Neal stand a very short distance ahead of their daughter. She was walking towards him and his hands were out to catch her in case she fell. He was grinning even as she collapsed against his chest. He laughed beautifully and excitedly said, “That’s my little girl.” He lifted her up a bit—just enough to make her giggle—and smiled up at her. “Daddy’s so proud of you, baby.”

Peter’s breath was taken away. He could imagine a twenty-three year old Neal acting like this as he parented Nicky on his own. During the early parts in their relationship, he always commented that he’d love to see Neal in action and he did love seeing it.

Jon stopped behind Peter and rested a hand on his son’s shoulder, smiling. Nicky tugged on Peter’s hand until the trio finally moved down the stairs again.

The moment Neal stood, holding Brie on his hip, and turned, Peter was right there and he immediately kissed his husband, caressing his cheeks. Neal’s hands were both on Brie, but his eyes closed as Peter’s lips moved against his. “You are such a beautiful man,” Peter whispered when he parted for breath. Neal’s face was flushed as he smiled. “You got her to walk without holding onto anything.”

“I knew she could do it,” Neal said enthusiastically, kissing Brie’s nose. “Now we’ve just got to work on her brother.”

Peter sat on the floor across from his husband after Neal and Hannah switched babies. He was helping Joey stand in front of him before meeting Peter’s eyes. “Can I do it?” Peter asked tentatively.

Neal gave him a small smile, picking Joey up as he got onto his knees. He scooted forward a bit and handed Joey to the older man. “He’s as much your son as he is mine, babe,” he whispered. The two shared a brief kiss before Neal sat back. Joey wobbled a bit in front of Peter and Neal laughed lightly.

The younger man realized his husband was nervous. He felt bad because he’d gotten Brie to walk pretty well very quickly, which meant Peter felt that he had to live up to that. It was just different for Neal because he’d spent so much time with his son. He didn’t have a life of his own when Nicky was very little, so all he ever did was focus on Nicky.

With Peter’s parents in the room, Neal figured Peter was extremely nervous. He wanted to be a good father and severely doubted his abilities even though Neal told him he was doing everything perfectly. Whatever Peter did moderately wrong, Neal showed Peter how to do it properly—like holding the babies while feeding them and changing their diapers. Peter was totally lost until Neal helped him.

The very first time Peter changed Joey’s diaper, he’d done it backwards. Needless to say, he felt embarrassed. Neal just kissed him and told him he’d be a pro in no time. He’d shown Peter how to do it on Brie and watched Peter fix the diaper on Joey. Since then, he had no problem at all with changing one or the other.

As for feeding the babies and holding them simultaneously, Peter’s biggest fear was that he’d drop the baby. He and Neal had the babies in their bed with them a few times when they were very restless and neither of the two knew what to do about it. Both men were afraid of crushing the babies, but they hadn’t had any problems. Once Neal showed Peter that Peter wasn’t going to drop the baby, Peter relaxed considerably. The fact that he’d been tense while holding Brie at the time didn’t help her relax. She’d cried in his arms until Neal came back from putting Joey back into his crib. Getting Peter to calm down was key to getting Brie to as well.

Joey was holding onto Peter’s index fingers tightly as he continuously wobbled. Peter helped him turn around and tried to encourage him to walk towards Neal, but he started wailing. Neal saw the distressed look in his husband’s expression. “Neal,” he whispered.

“Just hold him for a few seconds,” Neal said quietly. Peter did that and Joey calmed down almost immediately. Neal could see how his husband’s entire demeanor changed and he smiled sadly at the older man. “Peter, you’re doing just fine.”

Peter ignored him and Hannah sat forward to rub Neal’s shoulder. After a few moments, Peter shifted and handed Joey back to Neal. “You’re better at this than I am.”

He started to get up and Neal immediately said, “Sit your ass down.” Peter froze and looked at him. “Excuse the language,” he added quietly. “Sit down, Peter Michael.” Peter frowned and did as Neal asked. Neal moved to put Joey back into Peter’s arms. “I am not letting you give up. I’m not better than you. I have experience from raising Nicky alone, but that doesn’t make me better. There are times when I don’t know what to do, Peter. You’re a first-time father with the twins because Nicky was a little older when you met me, but I know damn well you can do this.”

The older man frowned as he glanced down at his son and then back at his husband. “Neal, I don’t know how to get him to walk. It looked so easy when you did it with Brie.”

“It takes time and patience, Peter.” He smiled at his husband and then looked down at their son in Peter’s arms. “Joey’s just a lazy boy,” he said endearingly.

Peter sighed. He wasn’t really feeling up to trying again because he felt like he wasn’t doing anything right. He knows Nicky loves him to death, but he felt like he was messing up left and right when it came to the twins. “We’ll try again later,” he said. He put Joey in Neal’s lap and got up to go start dinner.

Neal frowned before getting up with Joey. “Poppa loves you, little guy,” he whispered to Joey. “We’re gonna make him play with us later.”

He stayed in the living room with Hannah and Jon and gave his silent permission to Nicky to go see Peter. Nicky wanted to go right after Peter walked away, but he was afraid he’d upset Peter more. Once Neal realized Nicky wanted to go into the kitchen, he just smiled and nodded towards the room. “Poppa?” Nicky said quietly as he went into the kitchen. “You okay?”

Peter turned enough to look at Nicky, smiling weakly. “Yeah. I’m all right. Did dad send you in here?”

Nicky shook his head. “I wanted to see you,” he whispered. Peter was a little surprised when Nicky walked right up to him and hugged him tightly. “You’re a great poppa. I hope you know that.” Nicky closed his eyes when Peter stroked his hair. “I love you a lot and the babies are gonna love you just as much, poppa.”

“Thanks, Nick,” Peter whispered. “I love you, too—and I really appreciate that. You’re such a sweet kid.”

The teenager kept his head against Peter’s chest a little longer. “Can I ask you something, poppa?”

“Of course,” Peter said instantly.

Nicky squeezed Peter a little as he asked, “Have you and dad been okay?” Peter’s brows furrowed and his hand stilled on Nicky’s head. “I don’t mean in bed either. I just noticed that he’s always a little different when you guys are together now.”

All Peter could see in that moment was himself shoving Neal against their bedroom wall roughly. He’d hurt his husband physically that night and Neal tried to hide it with long sleeves, but Peter knew that trick. He’d bruised Neal’s wrists since Neal’s hands had been cuffed behind his back. He could see the fear in Neal’s eyes as he yelled in Neal’s face. “We’re…” And then he thought back to a day or two after that night and envisioned himself making love to his husband. He’d held Neal’s wrists up and kissed the bruises lightly, apologizing simultaneously. Even then, he’d seen apprehension in Neal’s eyes when they crawled into bed together after undressing. Peter waited to see if Neal initiated things and he’d done just that, but Neal’s movements that night weren’t as easygoing or comfortable as they were before.

“We’re just fine.” Peter glanced over his shoulder to see his husband holding Joey. Nicky backed up to look at his father a little sheepishly. Neither of them realized Neal had been right there. “Nothing to worry about, baby,” he said as he walked closer to the two. He stroked Nicky’s hair while looking at his husband’s face, searching his eyes.

Peter was apologetic. He knew Neal was nervous around him, but he didn’t realize the extent to which Neal was nervous. Perhaps he’d decidedly ignored Neal’s anxiety when they were alone because he didn’t want to believe he’d affected his husband that way. If that were the case, he felt extremely guilty. Nicky slipped out quietly, leaving his fathers in the kitchen. “Neal…”

Neal shook his head. “Babe,” he pleaded. “I was the one who messed up. If I hadn’t been stupid, you wouldn’t have hurt me,” he whispered. “I—” Joey began to drool on Neal’s shoulder and Neal rolled his eyes as he glanced down at his son. He figured that was going to happen sooner or later. “I cuffed myself, Peter.”

“I hurt you,” Peter whispered. “I didn’t need to shove you.”

“Actually, you did. Peter, I was being an idiot. The things I was asking of you were ridiculous,” Neal said softly. “I know you’d never do any of that to me, but I’d nearly lost you because I was asking for something you won’t give—for good reason.”

Peter stepped closer to his husband, kissing his forehead. He cradled their son’s head with one hand, sliding his other arm around Neal’s waist. “I love you, honey,” Peter whispered.

Neal closed his eyes as he kissed his husband’s lips. “I love you, too.”

“Are you afraid of me?” Peter asked as he backed up only slightly.

The younger man shook his head, staring up at his husband as their son rubbed Neal’s neck. “No. I was in the moment,” he admitted. “But I’ve given that night a lot of thought and I know what I was doing to you was wrong—entirely wrong.”

Peter rested his hands on Joey’s back and Neal’s arm. “I’m afraid of losing you,” Peter whispered. “I know I would have lost you if I’d…” Neal gave him a small smile and Peter shook his head, kissing his husband again. “Don’t ask me to do things that hurt you, Neal.” Neal nodded silently. “I did that to you once and I hated myself for a long time. I still do when I think about it.” Flashes of the op he’d beaten his husband during crossed his mind. He heard Neal’s painful sounds, saw Neal go unconscious. The hand on Neal’s arm slid up to caress the side of Neal’s face. “I hate when you’re in pain and I hate it more if I’m the one who caused your pain.”

Neal briefly glanced at the stove before looking back at his husband. “Not shoving this conversation aside purposely. Babe, dinner’s burning.”

Peter’s eyes widened as he turned towards the stove. “Fuck,” he muttered as he shifted the pot over to another burner that wasn’t on. “God damn it.” Neal’s free hand rested on Peter’s back and Peter sighed in frustration. “I can’t even do dinner right. What a piece of good for nothing sh—”

“Peter, shut up.” The older man glanced back at his husband. “Relax, okay? I’m gonna tell you right now: you are a wonderful and loving father, we’re fine, and you’re not a piece of sugar-honey-iced-tea because you burned dinner a bit.”

The older man laughed and Neal was relieved. They’d all recently watched _Madagascar_ and Nicky had no idea why his fathers were laughing during the scene where Alex and Marty were running in slow motion towards each other moments before Alex chased Marty around. “You know,” Peter said quietly, smiling softly at his husband, “I’m glad you were a dad before I met you because you’re so _damnare_ cute.”

“Ooh. Someone’s trying to teach himself Latin?”

Peter smiled. “Well, you occasionally put Latin things into your art, so I’ve been trying to learn a little.”

Neal shook his head, chuckling. “I think dinner is still salvageable,” he commented. “Get the burnt rice off of the bottom and try again, babe.” Peter nodded and did as Neal suggested.

Peter was relieved that dinner was still edible by the time he’d finished with it and no one complained or died of food poisoning. He and Neal were slowly introducing the twins to their foods since they were getting older. Rice seemed like a decent start because it wasn’t hard to chew.

After dinner, Neal and Peter worked on attempting to get Joey to walk. The two sat across from each other and Joey was standing in front of Peter. “Joey, walk to daddy,” Peter encouraged his son. Joey was definitely nervous about doing so until Peter got onto his knees and moved towards Neal with Joey. Neal grinned as two of the loves of his life came towards him. Brie was sitting in front of him, drooling on herself while she messed with the fabric of Neal’s jeans. “That’s it,” Peter said excitedly when Joey tried to walk quicker. He stumbled and Peter’s right hand immediately flew around him, holding him up. Joey whimpered a bit as Peter helped him stand again. “Poppa’s always gonna catch you,” he whispered.

“That’s what Superman does,” Neal said softly, staring directly at his husband with a small smile on his face. Peter was able to get Joey to walk all the way over to Neal this time and he was thrilled because he’d finally done something helpful—in his opinion. “Look at you, big boy!” Neal said animatedly as he held his hands out for Joey. Peter carefully let him go and Neal brought him closer. “You’re going to be big and strong just like your poppa someday, kiddo. You’ll be Superboy.”

“That’s me, dad.”

Neal chuckled, glancing at his oldest son. “True.” He grinned at Joey again and gently tickled him. “Your brother is Superboy, so I’m gonna call you Superbaby.”

“God. You’re such a dork,” Peter murmured.

Hannah and Jon smiled as they watched the couple in front of them. They were always happy to see Neal in a good, teasing mood. Even when he wasn’t, they still loved him as much as they loved him now. “You love me anyway,” Neal teased.

Peter waited until Neal sat Joey down beside Brie before surging forward to kiss his husband. “I love my Batman.” Neal raised an eyebrow, amused. He was fairly certain that was the first time Peter used a superhero reference for him. “I like dark and brooding,” he murmured, pecking Neal’s lips again.

“Of course you do,” Neal teased, rolling his eyes. “Partners in every sense of the word,” he whispered to his husband.

Peter nodded, seating himself beside his husband. The twins were between Neal’s legs, sitting against the insides of his thighs, and Nicky was on the couch behind Neal. Sitting in this room with his parents and four of his most cherished loved ones, he realized that he and Neal _are_ partners in every way. “Partners in every sense of the word,” he agreed as he leaned over to kiss Neal as Neal simultaneously leaned towards him for the same reason. They had their moments and issues, but, in the end, they were always loyal to each other and depended on each other. They could overcome anything as long as their relationship always included those two aspects in companionship with unconditional love.

In Neal and with their children, Peter found every aspect of ‘partnership.’ Whether they were Neal and Peter or Batman and Superman, they knew they’d always have the other’s back. Peter nuzzled his face against his husband’s, loving the way Neal laughed quietly. In their darkest moments and in their brightest moments, they would definitely have each other. They could pull themselves through problems together as Peter always promised Neal they would and he would see to it that he helped Neal overcome his past.

For the love of his life and for their children, he wanted to _become_ Superman.


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal and Peter try to make the most of Thanksgiving even when shadows of Neal's past attempt to ruin it.

Neal sat on his bed with his badge in hand. His gun was back in his nightstand and he’d been granted permission to work for the bureau again. Meeting with Reese’s bosses wasn’t thrilling despite knowing he was getting his badge back. They still reprimanded him and made comments about what the psychologist had to say about him during their sessions. He’d been as cooperative as he could be without divulging too much of his personal life. He was fine with talking to Peter or his group about his problems, but he absolutely would not tell the heartless, soulless man the FBI directors forced him to talk to. Anything Neal said to him went in one ear and out the other and always came back to make it sound like something was critically wrong with Neal as a person.

Telling the psychologist he’d only done what he felt was best for the child came back in translation as: “You claimed to be assisting the child, but you were only proceeding in a way that was selfish in nature.” Neal asked him what the hell that meant and the man went on to explain to Neal. “You believed you were helping the child, but you put him on the spot. It was your selfish inclination that led you to make your decisions. You gave the child no alternative option.”

The night Neal went home from that, Peter had been beyond pissed off. “What a load of shit!” he’d yelled. Neal had to frantically get him to calm down before Nicky or Peter’s parents came up to see what was going on. The twins had also been sleeping at the time. “That bastard doesn’t know a damn thing about you,” he’d gone on, growling angrily.

Neal smiled a little as he rubbed his thumb over the badge. “I don’t know if I deserve you,” he whispered.

“I hope you’re talking about the badge and not me,” a deep voice whispered from the doorway. Neal glanced up at Peter and Peter walked further into the room, sitting beside his husband. “You’re a good man, Neal. You deserve that badge.” He kissed Neal’s cheek and Neal chuckled. “And you deserve me, too,” he whispered. “Nothing about you makes you undeserving.”

The younger man nodded. “Thank you, Peter,” he said quietly.

Peter smiled, patting Neal’s left thigh. “C’mon, baby. Your dad will be here shortly. We’ve got dinner to work on—and I did start the turkey if you want to go make sure I did it right.”

“If it’s wrong, I can put you on mashed potato duty,” Neal teased, setting his badge down on the bed as he stood up with Peter. Peter swatted his ass and made Neal yelp quietly. “What was that for?”

“I love your ass,” Peter whispered. He kissed Neal’s jaw line, resting his hand on his husband’s ass. Neal turned completely, pressing himself against his husband. Both of Peter’s hands were on Neal’s ass and Peter took the opportunity to kiss the younger man sweetly while rubbing Neal. Neal moaned into the kiss and Peter’s heart skipped a beat. He could feel Neal’s erection while Neal was grinding against him.

Neal moaned into the kiss, murmuring, “We’re having sex later.”

Peter nodded, mumbling, “Mhm.”

They managed to get themselves under control for the most part before heading downstairs to be with their family. “Dad! Dad!”

Neal sped up a bit, heading into the kitchen to see what Nicky needed him for. “Nick?”

He found Nicky making pie with Hannah, grinning up at him. “Look what grandma and I made.”

“Wow. That looks _really_ good, baby.” Peter was sitting in the living room with the twins and his father. Hannah glanced at Neal and he saw that she had something on her mind. He moved towards her, resting a hand on her lower back as he stood beside her. “Everything all right?”

She nodded. “He isn’t allergic to anything, is he?”

“No, mom. Nicky can eat pretty much anything unless Peter makes it.” He winked at his son as Nicky giggled.

Heaving a sigh of relief, she said, “Oh, good. I know you don’t like pumpkin pie, so—”

Neal burst into laughter. “Oh, _I_ don’t like pumpkin pie?” he said loudly, leaning out of the kitchen doorway. “Peter Michael Burke.” He heard Peter mutter something he couldn’t make out and rolled his eyes. “He’s the one who doesn’t like it. Big liar.” He kissed Hannah’s cheek. “I love your pies. Doesn’t even matter what it is. It’s always really good.”

Hannah laughed, circling an arm around Neal’s waist. “You’re a sweetheart,” she said as she leaned against him. “Nicky said apple pie is your favorite, so I made sure we have plenty of that.”

Neal grinned at his son. “That’s my boy.” He met Nicky’s fist- bump halfway and then Nicky sidled up to him, nuzzling his chest. Neal’s phone chose to vibrate in that moment. “Ah. One sec, baby boy—mom.” He separated himself from the two of them and pulled his phone out. “Sh— _sugar,_ ” he whispered, answering. “Hey, kiddo. I’m on my way right now. Are you all packed up?”

“ _Yep, dad. My mom’s leaving in a couple minutes._ ”

He nodded, heading out to grab his car keys and jacket. “All right, Trent. I’ll be right there—ten minutes tops.”

“Baby?” Peter glanced up as Neal moved around quickly, grabbing his keys and jacket. “Where are you going?” He sounded worried and wondered what he’d done to make Neal run away from him this time.

“I totally forgot that I needed to go get Trent.” Peter’s eyes widened. “Exactly. I’m gonna grab him and come right back.” He darted over to the couch and pecked Peter’s lips. “Back in a few. Love you.” Neal was out the door, in the car, and pulling out of the driveway in less than two minutes. He drove into Manhattan, wishing they hadn’t decided to move to Brooklyn when they left the apartment. He loves their house, but it’s so inconvenient.

He pulled up at Trent’s house and jumped out, heading up the sidewalk. Trent’s mom’s car was gone, so he rang the doorbell. The door opened a minute later and Trent smiled up at him. “Hey, dad.”

Neal ruffled Trent’s hair. “Hey, you. It’s been a while since you’ve been over.” Trent laughed lightly, agreeing. He let Neal in so Neal could help him grab his things. “Pretty soon, we’re just gonna end up putting another bed in Nicky’s room. The whole sleeping bag thing has to be getting pretty old for you guys.”

Trent shrugged. “I don’t mind. Did you stop using sleeping bags when you were my age?”

Neal hesitated as he picked up Trent’s sleeping bag and backpack full of clothes and such. “I never had sleepovers,” he said quietly. “My, uh, social life was kinda limited.”

“Oh, right…” Trent’s face heated up as he took Neal’s hand in his. “I keep forgetting. I’m sorry.”

“I’d prefer it if you kept forgetting. No worries, kiddo.” He squeezed Trent’s hand gently after Trent locked the front door. “I live through my son,” he teased. “Things I didn’t get to do at your age, I get to see him do it.”

Trent nodded as Neal led him to the Taurus. “Nick said you didn’t graduate.”

Neal made a mental note to smack his son when he got home. “I didn’t.” He opened the door for Trent and Trent got into the car. While Trent was buckling himself in, Neal tossed the sleeping bag and backpack into the backseat. He went around to get into the driver’s seat and buckled himself in. “You know about my stepfather. I ran away when I was sixteen. With everything that was going on, I really didn’t have any friends at the time.”

“When Nick and I graduate, you should graduate with us.” Neal raised an eyebrow. “Peter could make a diploma and give it to you and he could hand ours to us—kinda like a little family thing.” Neal smiled at his son’s best friend. “You had a prom. We should give you a graduation, too.”

“God. You and Nicky—you’re both so sweet.” He leaned over and kissed Trent’s hair, making the teenager laugh lightly. “If you and Nicky end up together someday, at least your in-laws already love you,” he teased.

Trent was quiet after that and Neal wondered if that became sensitive between Trent and Nicky somehow. En route to his house, Neal let the silence loom over them. “Nicky doesn’t like that other kid more than me? Neil?”

Neal made an incredulous face as he stopped at a light. “No way. You’re his best friend, Trent. Nobody is _ever_ going to replace you.”

“We kinda had a fight about him.” Neal’s brows furrowed. He remembered that there had been a moment when Nicky was really down and pissed off when Neal tried to talk to him. “I asked him why he wasn’t spending time with me anymore and he said he was doing family stuff with you guys and the twins, so I asked about Neil. He got defensive and asked me why I even cared.” Trent frowned, glancing at Neal. “I know you said we have to wait, but I want to be with Nicky, dad. I don’t like fighting with him and I’ve missed him a lot.”

The moment he brought Trent into the house, Nicky was there and he barreled right into his best friend, hugging him tightly. Neal just smiled as he closed the door, locked it, and took Trent’s things up to Nicky’s room. “Hi,” Nicky whispered, staring at Trent as they stood very close together.

“Hey,” Trent said quietly. “Thanks for letting me come over.”

Peter watched his son and Trent curiously. He could see a bit of a possessive nature to the way Nicky kept his hands on Trent. “I wanted you to come over sometime anyway. I just didn’t know if you’d want to after…”

Trent smiled. “We’re okay, Nick.”

Neal came back a few minutes later with Neil. Neil took a seat on the couch where Peter’s parents were while Neal went to sit with his husband and the twins on the other couch. “When we have a minute to ourselves, I want to talk to you,” Neal whispered. Peter’s brows furrowed as he stared at his husband. “It’s about those two,” he added, nodding towards Trent and Nicky. Trent, Nicky, and Neil went downstairs into the game room for a little while after Trent arrived. Neal and Peter took the twins upstairs to lay them down for a nap and Peter was getting a bit anxious, wondering what Neal had to talk to him about. “So…?” he prompted as they stood in between the cribs together.

“Trent’s in love with Nick,” he whispered. “He knows he is without a doubt.” He glanced at his husband and Peter saw something like pain in Neal’s eyes. “I don’t know how Nicky really feels. I know he’s argued with me about this whole thing, but I can’t tell. I don’t want to tell him to be gay if he’s not and I don’t want him to be straight if he’s not.”

Peter rubbed Neal’s chest. “Let them figure it out,” he said softly. “You’re his father—”

“We’re his fathers,” Neal corrected.

The older man smiled and nodded. “We can’t make the decision for them, honey.” Peter wrapped his arms around his husband, kissing his temple. “The most you and I can do is support them, Neal. We can’t push them one way or the other.” He kissed Neal’s cheek now. “I know how hard this is on you, hon, but we need to let things play out. Nicky will figure himself out in time. You and I both went through this when we were their age. We had to find out ourselves.”

“I didn’t have an influence despite what my mother said,” Neal whispered. “My biggest fear right now is that _I_ am influencing his decision. He’s always wanted to be just like me and I’m afraid he’ll think he’s gay because I am.”

Peter shook his head, squeezing Neal gently. “No one can influence him, honey. He’s growing up in a gay household, but we have straight influences in his life as well. It’s balanced for him.” Neal frowned and Peter noticed. “You told me once before that you weren’t sure if you really were gay, so you tried asking a girl out.”

“I knew I was gay,” Neal murmured. “I never asked that girl out because I knew I wasn’t going to fall in love with her. When the downstairs doesn’t connect with the upstairs, it’s kinda obvious.”

Peter chuckled, kissing Neal’s neck. “I love when your downstairs and upstairs connect.”

Neal’s eyes widened. “We do have the intercom off right now, don’t we?” Peter tensed for a moment before letting go of Neal to check. He picked up the monitor and sighed in relief. “Thank God,” Neal whispered.

“Yeah. That would have been lovely for my parents and the children to hear.” Peter laughed lightly as he turned it on and headed back over to his husband. “Let’s head downstairs, angel.” Neal nodded and they both left the twins’ room quietly.

•◊•

“Neal, they’re beautiful.” Neal smiled at his father. He’d taken James up to the twins’ room as soon as James arrived. “How old are they?”

“They’ll be nine months around the beginning of December,” he whispered. He watched his father smile at the twins and it made his heart hurt. When he’d been growing up, he resented all that his father stood for and he resented his father for abandoning him. Watching him now, all he could do was blame his mother for never giving James a second chance. James absolutely loved the twins. “I’m really sorry for not telling you, dad. I…was going through a lot at the time.”

James turned towards him, giving him a small smile. “Neal, you never have to explain anything to me. You’re my boy.” He reached over to rub Neal’s arm. “I’m not trying to smother you. You’re letting me see my grandbabies now and I’m ecstatic.”

“Our daughter is Gabriella and our son is Joseph.” James nodded, taking a few moments longer to just admire his grandchildren. He knew they were adopted, but that meant nothing. They were Neal and Peter’s children, thus making them his grandchildren. He never would have shunned them for being adopted. In fact, he truly admired Peter because Peter adopted Nicky as his own son though they had no blood ties to each other. This was essentially the same thing.

James took Neal’s hand and led him out of the bedroom, whispering, “Beautiful babies with beautiful names.”

“Thank you,” Neal whispered.

“Honey?” Neal moved towards the stairway to look at his husband. “Time to eat. You and dad coming down?”

Neal glanced at James and James nodded. “Yeah. We’ll be right down, lover.” Peter smiled before heading back to the dining room. Neal walked over to one of the guestrooms and knocked on the door. “Time to eat, Neil.” He waited until the teenager came out of the room before going further down the hall to his son’s room. He opened the door and was surprised to see Nicky and Trent drawing on one of Neal’s canvases. He was a little irritated at first because Nicky hadn’t asked to borrow it and he’d been doing that quite frequently, but he saw what Nicky was drawing and it made his heart stop.

“My dad will kill me if he finds out I’m doing this,” Nicky said quietly. “Can you go see how much longer it’ll be until dinner?”

Trent nodded and turned to see Neal. He froze instantly. “Um… Nick.”

“Trent, go check on—” He turned and his eyes widened. “Daddy.”

Neal walked into the room and stood in front of his son, staring at the canvas. “You drew this?” He glanced at his son and Nicky nodded. “Freehand?” Again, Nicky nodded. Neal pulled Nicky against him. “Baby boy…” he whispered.

Nicky murmured, “It was gonna be a surprise,” against Neal’s chest. Neal was just awestruck. He didn’t realize Nicky was practicing. His drawings were much more detailed than they had been in the past, but this was phenomenal. He kept every artwork Nicky made for him since Nicky was about three or four, but this was breathtaking. “What do you think?”

“It’s amazing,” Neal said sincerely.

The teenager pulled away from his dad long enough to grab the picture he was using as a reference. It was a picture of Neal and Peter on their wedding day. Peter’s arms were around Neal and they both looked so happy. “I was going to give it to you for Christmas, but you ruined the surprise, dad.”

“Hey. This is a work in progress, Nicky. The finished work will be perfect and it’ll be a surprise to both me and poppa.” He leaned down and kissed Nicky’s hair. “Keep the canvas, baby. And honestly, just take it whenever you want it.” Despite his irritation minutes ago, he decided he’d rather encourage than inhibit his son’s creativity.

The three of them and James headed downstairs after Neal promised he wouldn’t tell Peter about the drawing. Neal immediately went into the kitchen to help Peter take everything into the dining room. Michael and Mel came over shortly before James did and Neal was thrilled to have family to share this with now. He’d gotten so used to little get-togethers, so this was amazing. Peter, their children and Trent, Peter’s parents, James, Mike and Mel, and Mozzie were his family. The only thing that brought Neal down was the realization that Ellen wouldn’t be joining them.

“Are you opening up dinner up with a prayer, baby?” Peter asked Neal quietly as Neal picked up the pot with gravy in it. “I mean, I could do it…”

“It’s up to you, love. You know I don’t mind doing it and I know you don’t really believe in God. Are you comfortable or not? If not, I can do it.”

Peter shrugged. “It’s just a prayer,” he muttered. “And you’re my husband. I respect you and your beliefs, so I’d be happy to do it this year.” Neal grinned at him. “Go set that down before you burn yourself.”

Neal rolled his eyes. “Potholder, dork,” he murmured as he walked out into the dining room. “Nick, stop messing with the bread.” Nicky giggled and sat down beside Trent. As usual, he sat across from his father, off to Peter’s left. “Anyone need drinks while Peter and I are up?”

“Wine, mon frère.”

“Get it yourself,” Neal teased, winking at his best friend. Mozzie chuckled. Hannah and Mel wanted wine as well, so he decided he’d bring the bottle out momentarily. Heading back into the kitchen, he went straight for the refrigerator. “I know you’ve got beer in here somewhere,” he said to Peter.

Peter laughed lightly. “Bottom right drawer, angel. Wine is in the back. Juice boxes in the bottom left drawer.”

Neal glanced at his husband before grabbing all of the drinks. “God. You’re so helpful,” he said sincerely. “Thanks, love.”

The older man moved to stand behind Neal as Neal bent over to grab the case of beer. Peter’s hands were on his hips and Neal glanced over his shoulder, staring up at him. “Have I told you that you’re beautiful today?” Neal smiled and shook his head. “Good.” He waited for Neal to pull the drinks out before taking them from him. He set them down on the countertop and hugged Neal, kissing his neck. “You are the most gorgeous man in the world,” he whispered. “One of my greatest blessings in life is you.”

Neal blinked back tears as he rubbed Peter’s back. “I love you, Peter.”

“I love you more,” Peter whispered. They shared a brief kiss before taking the drinks out to their family. Peter set a bottle of wine at each end of the table and gave the three teenagers juice boxes. Neal set a beer bottle down beside Peter’s dishes before heading down the table to hand bottles to James, Jon, and Mike. Peter stood behind his chair, watching his husband with a small smile on his face. The moment Neal was heading to his own seat, Peter moved and pulled Neal’s seat back. Neal froze and raised an eyebrow. “Allow me,” Peter said quietly.

“Mm. You know I love a gentleman,” Neal whispered. He pecked Peter’s lips before taking a seat. Peter helped him scoot forward before taking his own seat, immediately intertwining his fingers with his husband’s.

He kissed Neal’s knuckles before exhaling heavily. “You guys all know how much I suck at giving speeches, but I’m going to try to say Neal’s annual prayer as well as he does.” The adults chuckled and Peter smiled at Neal. They all joined hands and Peter was thrilled to have his son’s and his husband’s hands. “Thank you, Lord, for the wonderful family we have been given.” He emphasized his thanks by squeezing Neal and Nicky’s hands gently. Neal, though his head was bowed, smiled sideways at Peter with one eye open for a moment. “We give thanks for the food we have been blessed with and for the lives we have been given. Amen.” He told himself that was terrible, but Neal squeezed his hand as soon as they all said ‘amen.’

Peter and Neal filled up the teenagers’ plates first and then Peter snagged Neal’s plate. He wanted his husband to have plenty of food before he took some for himself. Neal, being Neal, would never give himself as much food as Peter took, so Peter took advantage of Neal’s habit of feeding the kids first. “Thank you,” Neal whispered when Peter set the plate down in front of him. It was fuller than he usually had it, but he knew Peter was trying to be a sweetheart and that meant a lot to him.

Peter leaned towards Neal and Neal leaned towards him. They shared a quick kiss before making sure everyone had their food. “Nicky, you’re in high school now, right?” James asked. Nicky smiled and nodded. “How’s that been? Your dad tells me you’ve got some really nice grades.”

Nicky flashed a broad grin at his grandfather. “I like high school. The students there are a lot more mature than the kids I was with in elementary and middle school. The classes are fun, too.” He glanced at Neal for a moment before refocusing on James. “I signed up for an art course because of dad and I really like it. The teachers I have are great.”

James smiled. “I’m really glad to hear that.”

“Dad wanted to do something artsy when he was in high school, but then he got into all the law stuff. I want to open my own art gallery someday so I can share it with him.” Neal’s eyes watered and Peter squeezed Neal’s fingers. “Dad’s art is awesome and I want to put his work up where people can appreciate it and his talent.”

Peter was just as awed by Nicky’s statement as Neal was. “Nicky,” Neal said, sounding like he was about to cry. Nicky stared at his father with a soft smile on his face. “Thank you,” he whispered.

Dinner was filled with idle chitchat until the doorbell rang. Neal glanced at Peter in question and Peter shrugged. They both slid their chairs back simultaneously and Peter rested a hand on Neal’s shoulder before heading out into the living room. Neal followed him. As soon as Peter opened the door, Neal’s eyes widened. “Neal.”

Peter glanced back at his husband, his brows furrowed. “Robert, Donna,” he whispered. He glanced at Peter in a slight panic and Peter moved to step outside. Neal stood with him, closing the door behind them. “It’s been….almost fifteen years,” Neal whispered. “Peter, they’re Kate’s parents.”

“Oh. The ones who wanted nothing to do with their grandson?” Neal turned to look at Peter incredulously. “You’re fifteen years late. He’ll have no idea who either of you are. His grandparents are sitting in that house with him already.”

“I don’t know who you are,” Robert said bitterly, “but I want to be in my grandson’s life.”

Neal rubbed Peter’s arm gently. “No,” he whispered. “I went to you almost fifteen years ago and gave you the chance to be his grandparents. You called me a faggot and told me to get the hell away from you because I killed Kate.”

“Things have changed.”

“Really,” Neal said sarcastically. “Like my husband said. You’re fifteen years late. I don’t want either of you in his life anymore. He has my father and my husband’s parents. There’s no need for either of you.”

“Why don’t you let us see him before we take drastic measures?”

Neal looked at them like they were insane. “What the hell are you gonna do? He’s my son.”

Robert shoved Neal back against the door and Peter reacted quickly, shoving Robert away from his husband. “Don’t you dare hit him,” Peter hissed. “He tried to bring you into Nick’s life. Neither of you deserve to be in it.”

“We’re going to fight to become his legal guardians.”

Neal’s heart cracked in his chest and all of his breath rushed out of him. “On what grounds? Neal and I don’t abuse him. He has a good home and education. He—”

“He was sexually abused.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

Robert already hated Peter. “I was told that he’d been raped by two older men and, allegedly, one of them was Neal.”

Neal’s eyes watered. “That’s not true. He’s never been abused by us,” Neal stammered. “He has a good life here. Peter and I—we love him.”

“You love molesting him,” Robert interjected. “I want that boy in our custody, Neal.”

“Go fuck yourselves,” Peter snarled. “Nick has never been sexually or physically abused by either of us. Get your shit straight before making bullshit claims.” Neal gripped the back of Peter’s shirt and Peter knew Neal was going to have a panic attack. “Go to hell,” he growled. “You have no legitimate reason—with proof—to take custody of our son. Doing this because Neal is gay is unjustified. You can claim that he killed Kate, but she knew the risks she was taking when she decided to go through with the pregnancy.”

Robert bristled at that. “You’re blaming my daughter for this? It took his sperm to make that boy.”

Neal began to hyperventilate and Peter turned to him in concern, resting a hand on his chest. “Honey, go inside. I’ll be right there.” Neal shook his head, shutting his eyes tightly. “Hon,” he pleaded.

Before anyone had the opportunity to open the door, it opened on its own. Jon stepped out and looked at the older couple before glancing at his son, then at Neal. The moment he looked at Neal, he knew something was wrong. “What the hell is going on here?”

“They’re trying to take Nick from me,” Neal said hoarsely.

“Dad, get him in the house. _Please._ ”

Robert shook his head. “You’re emotionally and mentally unstable, Neal. You’re unfit to be his guardian.”

“Oh, bullshit,” Peter snapped. “Neal raised Nick alone for eight years prior to meeting me. You don’t know what he went through to keep his son happy and healthy. Neal struggled and pulled through on his own.” Jon grabbed his son before Peter could consider throwing a punch at Robert. “Where the hell were you when he needed help?”

“Peter Michael,” Jon said firmly. “Take your husband into the house and calm down.” He turned to look at Robert and Donna. “Get the hell off of their property. You have no right to be here.”

Peter hesitated before doing as his father asked. He led Neal back into the house and immediately sat Neal on the couch. Neal couldn’t help the fact that he was crying now and Jon came back in a moment later, slamming the door. “Dad?” Nicky asked concernedly as he shoved his chair back.

Jon stood beside the couch and rested his hand on Neal’s shoulder. “Neal, everything’s going to be fine.”

Nicky darted into the room with Hannah and Michael on his tail. He saw that his father was crying and immediately ran to him, pulling him into a hug. “Daddy, what’s wrong?” Neal held onto his son tightly.

Peter sat beside Neal. He almost rested his hand on Neal’s right thigh, but he quickly retracted his hand and rested it on Neal’s lower back instead. “Peter, who were they?”

“Kate’s parents.”

Jon nodded in understanding. “Nicky, I need to talk to you,” Neal said as he rubbed his eyes with his palm.

Nicky backed up and nodded. Neal pushed himself off of the couch and took his son’s hand, leading him towards the stairs. Peter watched them sadly before glancing at his father. “Those assholes had no right coming here. How they found us is beyond me. Neal and I moved out of the apartment a year ago and they haven’t spoken to Neal in almost fifteen years like he said.”

“Maryann.”

Peter’s head snapped up and focused on the dining room as James stepped out. “What?”

“Maryann called them. I didn’t realize they were Kate’s parents. I thought she was talking to a friend about another friend. I didn’t realize she was referring to you.” James shook his head angrily. “That bitch. I should have realized she was spewing lies about my son.”

Michael’s eyes were on Peter. He didn’t know what to do for them and Neal seemed like he was falling to pieces even as he took Nicky upstairs to talk to him. “They can’t legally take Nicky, can they?”

Peter shook his head at his brother-in-law. “No. They have no proof of anything.” He stood up. “I’m gonna go check on them.” He headed upstairs to hear their son crying exasperatedly at Neal.

“They don’t deserve anything from you!” Nicky shouted. “I don’t want to leave you or poppa, dad. I’ll prove to whoever they have involved that you never hurt me. You’ve never even tried to hurt me before!”

“Nicky,” Neal stammered. “Calm down, please.”

“No, dad. This is a bunch of crap. I don’t know them and I don’t want to know them. They may be my mom’s parents, but they never loved me the way grandma and grandpa do. They aren’t even biologically connected to me and they love me.”

Peter stood in the doorway of his bedroom, watching Neal and Nicky. “Poppa’s parents love you like their own grandson. They’ll always think of you like that, Nick. They love you to death.”

“Don’t let mom’s parents get to you, dad. I’m old enough to make my own decision. I’m not leaving you.” He hugged Neal, burying his face into the crook of Neal’s neck. “I’m never leaving you.”

Neal kissed his son’s cheek, whispering, “I love you, Nicky. I’ll never let anyone take you from me forever.” Nicky whispered that he loved Neal more than anyone and promised he’d never want to leave. He told Neal he’s happy where he is and the small laugh that Neal made in response warmed Peter’s heart. “I’ve always tried to give you the best things in life, Nicky, and I’m really glad you love me as much as I love you.”

Peter watched Neal’s gaze shift over to him and he gave the younger man a small smile. “You and poppa are my heroes,” Nicky whispered. “They can’t take me away from you.”

“Dad and I won’t let them take you,” Peter promised, rubbing Nicky’s back as he stopped behind their son. Nicky backed away from his father to smile at his poppa. There were fresh tears in Nicky’s eyes and Peter wiped them away before leaning forward to kiss Nicky’s forehead. “You know we’ll do everything we can for you, Nick. Dad will never let anyone take you away from him.”

Nicky nodded, hugging Peter. “Make daddy feel better,” he whispered. He turned back to his father, kissing Neal’s forehead before heading out of the bedroom to go back downstairs with the rest of his family.

Peter sat beside Neal, taking his right hand to intertwine their fingers. “No one will take him away, Neal. I refuse to let anyone, especially them, fight for him. He’s _our_ baby.” Neal nodded, leaning against Peter for support. Peter squeezed his hand, kissing his husband’s hair. “Maryann gave them this bullshit story, honey,” he whispered. Neal tensed against the older man. “James didn’t realize she was talking about us, but he told me as soon as I made a comment.”

“Where’s my damn phone?” Neal snarled as he sat up.

“Honey, don’t. You’re upset enough as it is,” Peter pleaded. “I’m pissed off, too, but you need to relax.”

Neal shook his head. “If they find some bullshit proof, I could go to jail for allegedly abusing my son sexually. That mother fucker—”

“Neal, stop,” Peter begged, grabbing Neal’s hips after Neal lurched off of the bed. “I will take care of this, Neal. No one can do anything to us. They can do all the background checks in the world and they’ll find nothing because there is nothing.”

The younger man gripped his husband’s hands roughly, but he didn’t shove them away. “I can’t believe this. Of all of the things that bitch could do, why this? What the hell would she even get out of this?”

“She wants to see Nick,” Peter guessed. “You know she loves hurting you, Neal.”

Neal sighed in frustration. “I don’t care,” he snapped. “This is Thanksgiving and I want to spend it with my family. Those three dipshits are no family of mine.”

Peter nodded, kissing Neal’s jaw. Within moments, Neal’s shoulders slumped as he heard the twins wailing down the hall. “Damn it,” Peter whispered. “I’ll grab them if you want to go get the highchairs.”

“Yeah. I can do that,” Neal whispered.

Peter went to the twins’ room and Neal headed downstairs to drag two highchairs out of the kitchen, setting them beside his and Peter’s chairs. After he’d finished setting up the second highchair, Jon rested a hand on Neal’s back. “You okay, son?”

Neal smiled weakly at the man he considered a father. “Yeah. I’m fine. I explained things to Nicky and talked to Peter. I’m really pissed off with my mother.”

“As am I,” Jon said. “She has no right to lie to them in order to wreck your life. That was a very low blow and just goes to show that she has nothing better to do with her life than to hurt you. It’s pathetic.”

“Thanks, dad,” he whispered, straightening up to hug the older man. “I really appreciate you and mom. I hope you both know that. You’ve been…tremendous grandparents. You’ve both spoiled that boy more than I ever could have dreamed…”

Jon kissed Neal’s cheek. “He’s my grandson. I spoiled Cara’s children as they grew up. Damn right I’m going to spoil my other grandchildren. Nicky and the twins will be spoiled rotten. I’ve got years to make up for with Nicky.”

Neal laughed lightly. “Dad, you’ve done more than enough for him.”

Peter came downstairs and the rest of the family returned to the dining room, taking their seats. Peter set Joey in the highchair beside Neal’s seat and Brie in the highchair beside his own. “Dad loves buying kid stuff,” Peter commented. “Should’ve seen our Christmases,” he whispered so only his father and Neal could hear him. The three teenagers weren’t paying attention to them, which was fortunate. “Birthdays were just as ‘wow.’”

Neal smiled. He always loved to hear stories about Peter’s childhood, especially birthdays and Christmases. He didn’t have very many stories to share in those areas, but hearing Peter’s made him feel like he’d been there to share the experience. “Dad, I really appreciate everything you’ve done for the kids—and me, for that matter. I don’t know how to thank you for being such an incredible influence in our lives.”

Jon pulled Neal close for a tight hug. “I love you boys and my grandchildren. I’ll always do anything I can for any of you.”

Neal took his seat once again and met Mozzie’s eyes. The shorter man was a little ways down the table, but Neal could practically feel the concern emanating off of his best friend. He gave Mozzie a small smile and Mozzie nodded. Peter watched his husband cut up food on his plate to give to the twins. He spooned some mashed potatoes into Joey’s mouth, watching his son eat. Peter tried to mimic him, believing Neal was better at this than he was.

Peter smiled when Brie ate enthusiastically. He wanted to laugh when he watched Neal pretend he was eating the food he was giving to Joey to show Joey how to eat it. It was so adorable and precious in Peter’s mind. In fact, he decided he’d like to mess with Neal. With a spoonful of potatoes in hand, he waited for the perfect moment and spooned said potatoes into his husband’s mouth. Neal had to cover his mouth as he laughed. He was afraid potatoes would spray all over his son until he swallowed them. Peter was in awe as he saw the happiness touch Neal’s eyes. “Just you wait, Mister Burke,” Neal whispered to his husband as he wiped the corner of his mouth. “I’m gonna spoon you some nice food later.” Peter grinned at the younger man. He knew exactly what that meant and he was eager to get into bed with his husband. The innuendo immediately had him hard as he imagined the look of ecstasy on his husband’s face after he’d give Neal a blowjob.

“Boys, not at the table,” Jon admonished teasingly. Both Neal’s and Peter’s faces flushed in that moment as the two of them shared a little smile. Hannah was about to set her hand down on Neal’s thigh, but she came to the same conclusion Peter had come to earlier. She rubbed his arm gently instead. She loved when Peter affected Neal like this. Neal is a very beautiful man in her opinion and she believes he should smile a hell of a lot more.

As soon as the twins were fed, Peter whispered, “Will you please let me feed you?” Neal raised an eyebrow, amused. “Innocently—for once.”

“Seriously?” Peter nodded. Neal just stared at his husband’s face before sliding his plate towards Peter. “Just this once because you asked so politely.”

Nicky giggled as he watched Peter feed Neal. It seemed so innocent, but their eyes were telling a different story. Peter leaned close enough to kiss his husband after giving him a spoonful of mashed potatoes and used his tongue to give some of it to himself. Neal was very aroused and his eyes were closed as they shared the mashed potatoes. This was something they’d never done before, but he liked it. Michael and Mozzie sighed at the other end of the table. “Don’t you dare copy that,” Mozzie threatened Michael and Mel quietly.

After dinner, the teenagers and Mel headed downstairs to play in the game room. Peter and Neal brought the twins into the living room, handing them off to Jon and James so they could clear the dining room table and store any extra food properly. “Thanks for letting me be obscene,” Peter said, sounding a little timid as he glanced at his husband. Neal was gathering up the plates and silverware to put into the sink while Peter grabbed the turkey.

“It was different and interesting,” Neal whispered. “Probably not appropriate for dinnertime every night, but I liked it enough to want to do it again sometime. It’s like a sexed up version of Lady and the Tramp sharing spaghetti.”

Peter chuckled, nodding. “I wanted to kiss you and eat simultaneously, so it worked two-fold.”

Neal set the plates into the sink and set the silverware on top of that pile before turning to face Peter again. He watched his husband wrap the turkey and sighed contentedly, getting Peter’s attention. “You know… Sometimes, things really suck. Kate’s parents coming over sucked and realizing my mother is still trying to fuck me over sucks.” He moved towards Peter, wrapping his arms around the older man’s waist. “In the end, I always have one gorgeous man to make me smile again.” He initiated a kiss with Peter, murmuring, “And I love him to death,” against Peter’s lips. When they parted, he whispered, “Every time I look at you, I’m beyond thankful, Peter. You’ve been here with me through so much and you still love me as much as you did when we first started dating.”

“You deserve nothing less,” Peter whispered. “I love making you smile or laugh. Hell, making you horny over dinner is nice, too.” He slid his hands up and down Neal’s sides, smiling softly at him. “I’m thankful for you as well, my beautiful man. You’re my everything and you’ve given me everything.”

Neal whispered, “Because you deserve nothing less.” He rested his head on Peter’s shoulder, closing his eyes as Peter stroked his hair. “You’ve given me unconditional love, Peter, and that’s more than I’ve ever wanted in my life. It’s the most meaningful thing you’ve ever given to me and I’ve never had to ask for it.”

Peter kissed Neal’s hair. “My heart has been yours for over five years, Neal. All of my love belongs to you—and our family.” He held Neal, rubbing the younger man’s back while smiling. He was always happy to see Neal like this. Neal was brought down very easily and Peter did all that he could to bring him back up. In the end, he was almost always more than successful. The proof of that was in the way Neal’s heart pounded against him.


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal's working with the bureau again and the return to the FBI building after a case is filled to the brim with tension; Nicky struggles with the trauma he's had under control for the most part.

“Drop your weapons!”

Neal stood in the doorway of a factory boiler room that was allegedly forging documents surrounding gun purchases. He’d been looking into it since shortly after Thanksgiving. The fact that he’d caught them in the act made it all the more exciting. That same day was the day the twins turned nine months old.

Peter came in behind him when the four men in the room didn’t holster their guns. He’d come in with four agents and they had much better aim than the amateurs in the boiler room. “You’re a bold one,” Peter commented, resting a hand on Neal’s lower back as the agents cuffed their criminals. “Glad to have you back, sweetheart.”

“You know I love working alongside you,” Neal said quietly, smiling at the older man. Peter nodded, pressing a quick kiss against Neal’s cheek before leading him, the agents, and their criminals outside. The ride back to the bureau was quiet. Neal went with Peter while the agents drove the criminals in two separate cars.

Upon pulling up in front of the bureau building and exiting the cars, Peter told his agents, “I want them brought into the interrogation room one at a time. The other three will have a group of agents watching them in one of our empty offices.”

Neal smirked at Peter as the two of them headed into the building first. “You know, I like when you’re speaking with authority. It’s really hot.”

Peter chuckled. “I’m their boss—and yours, for that matter. Should I speak to you the same way if it’s such a huge turn on for you?”

“Depends on what you’re demanding from me,” Neal said in response, hitting the elevator button. “Chicken or hot dogs for dinner tonight?” Peter gave him an amused look. “Nick wanted one or the other and he roped Trent and Neil into the decision, so I’m pulling you in for the final vote.”

Peter gestured for Neal to get into the elevator first when the doors opened and then he pressed the button that would take them to the twenty-first floor. “Let’s go with hot dogs. It’s simple and quick. It’ll be easy to feed to the twins.”

Neal leaned against the bar embedded into the back of the elevator. “You just want to see me suck on a hot dog,” he deadpanned. Peter smiled, his cheeks heating up. Neal’s eyes flickered over to his husband’s face and he grinned. “Don’t I give you enough blowjobs to keep you satisfied? I’ve driven you to watching me give oral to food.”

“It’s sexy,” Peter muttered as the elevator doors opened. Again, Peter gestured for Neal to lead the way. While Neal was taking his jacket off and hanging it on the back of his chair, Peter caught sight of Diana and she looked frantic, so he wandered over to her. “Di, is everything okay?” She turned towards Peter’s office and he glanced up. Immediately, his blood ran cold. “Oh, Neal is going to be so pissed,” he whispered. He glanced back at his husband to see that Neal already caught on. “Neal, wait,” he stammered as Neal raced past him to get into Peter’s office.

Peter chased Neal up into the office and shut the door, knowing this was about to get ugly very quickly. “What the hell are _you_ doing here?” he growled, staring at his mother. Fowler was sitting beside her in handcuffs. This was a slice of Neal’s hell brought to life.

“What right did you have in killing my husband?” she said brokenly as she began to sob. Neal bristled at the sight and Peter had to rest a hand on his lower back to keep Neal from doing something he’d regret.

Neal almost snapped something at her, but he stopped himself and looked at Peter. “When Neal and I arrived, your _husband_ was in the process of raping a teenager, Maryann. Neal saved the teenager from that bastard.”

“They aren’t even giving him a proper funeral, you little asshole,” she sneered at Neal. “I know you hated him, but that’s no reason to kill him in cold blood.”

“Did you _not_ hear my husband?” he asked incredulously. “Oh, wait. I forgot. I’m talking to you and you’re the same person who knew Adler was going to rape me and just let it happen anyway.” Neal was disgusted with his mother. He’d been fortunate enough to have evaded her for a little over two years, but the sight of her was just revolting. She is the very embodiment of all that he stands against regarding parenting. She’d done nothing to help him and she’d known the whole time.

Maryann stood up and Peter quickly put himself slightly in front of Neal. He wasn’t going to let Maryann touch Neal. “You deserved to be raped,” she hissed. “I mean, look at you. You provoked Vincent many times until he finally gave you what you were begging for, you whore.” Neal’s nostrils flared as his anger soared through the ceiling. “You can’t even deny that you’re a whore now, Neal George. You’ve called me a whore, but I never begged for double penetration.”

Neal’s eyes widened and his heart nearly leapt out of his chest. “How could you possibly—?” He stumbled back a bit as realization dawned on him. Vincent or Craig bragged about what they’d done, so she knew. Peter held onto him, concerned.

“You just offered yourself to them and then you killed Vincent.”

“It isn’t nearly as cold as that,” Neal stammered. “I didn’t kill him because of what he did to me.”

Peter kissed Neal’s temple before growling at Maryann, “If you’ve got nothing important to discuss, get the hell out. Calling my husband a whore is wasting our time.”

Maryann laughed. “Your husband is a whore. You know that as well as I do, Peter. Open your eyes.”

Neal blinked back tears. Part of him wondered if Peter would finally look at him and realize he’d made a mistake in marrying Neal. “You know _nothing_ about him. He is the furthest thing from a whore.” He clutched Neal’s hip tightly. “He did what you wouldn’t. He gave himself up to protect our son, you bitch. Neal isn’t selfish or a God damn whore. He’s our son’s hero.”

“Your son wasn’t involved at all. Neal’s a whore, Peter.”

Peter looked at her incredulously. “How could someone as stupid as you are make such a brilliant man?” he asked. “Those bastards kidnapped Nick, Maryann. They used Nick to get to Neal and Neal went because he wanted to save our son.” Neal shut his eyes tightly as tears slid down the sides of his face. He could feel it all happening again. He felt both of them inside of him. His body felt like it was burning and aching in the worst way. “He’s a fantastic father because he didn’t hesitate to do whatever it took to save his son’s life. Look at yourself, you bitch, and then look at what you did to _your_ son. You let that man destroy your son’s innocence. How you can live with yourself is beyond me. Neal would have killed himself if he’d let that happen to Nick.”

She stared at Neal, watching him fall apart as he leaned against his husband for support. Craig told her that Neal gave himself to them willingly. She’d believe her husband and her husband’s friend over her liar of a son any day. “Say what you want, Peter. You’re blind and lying to yourself if you can’t see what’s right in front of you.”

“Get out,” he snarled. He carefully led Neal to the chair in front of his desk and helped him sit down before opening the door. “Now or I’ll call some God damn security in to remove you.” She looked like she wanted to defy him, but he had murder glinting in his eyes. She was emotionally tormenting his husband and he wasn’t going to allow it to continue, especially because she was arguing the truth. She walked out after glaring at her son. “Fowler, go sit in the conference room.” Fowler didn’t make a comment. In fact, he pitied Neal. What he’d put Neal through a couple years ago was nothing in comparison to what Maryann had described. “Neal…” Peter whispered the moment they were alone and the door was shut.

Neal was breathing erratically as Peter returned to his side. Peter knelt beside him, rubbing his left thigh. “I’m drowning,” Neal whispered miserably.

Peter understood and silently offered his support. He reached up with his other hand to wipe Neal’s tears away. “Everything’s okay,” he whispered to his husband. “You and I both know she’s full of lies, Neal. Don’t listen to a word she said to you.” Neal bowed his head, breathing shakily. Peter just watched him. He didn’t know what else to say, but Neal knew Peter was with him and he knew Peter wouldn’t leave him.

“Peter,” he whispered, sounding like he was pleading. Peter kept rubbing Neal’s left thigh. Neal’s stomach was doing flips and he could feel bile rising in his throat. He clenched his fists tightly, gritting his teeth. He knew he wasn’t in that farmhouse, but he felt like he was there again. He felt chilled to the bone throughout most of his body, but he felt a very painful and uncomfortable fire burning inside of him. He couldn’t help the fact that a sob ripped out of him. “I feel them,” he said brokenly.

The older man nodded, taking Neal’s left hand in his right while stroking Neal’s left thigh with his left hand. “They’re not here, Neal. You’re with me and you’re safe,” he said gently. “I know you’re hurting, honey.” Neal’s pain was obvious after Peter intertwined their fingers because Neal began to crush his hand. Peter chose to let Neal hold onto his hand as tightly as possible if only to keep Neal focused on the fact that he was holding Peter’s hand. “Beautiful,” he whispered. Neal’s eyes glossed over and Peter’s heart ached for him. “Neal, you’re with Peter. I’ve got you and you’re okay.”

Neal failed to remember where they were, but he knew he was with Peter. He abruptly turned towards Peter and pulled Peter up enough to pull his shirt out of his pants, subsequently sliding his hands underneath the dress shirt to rub Peter’s skin. He was panting breathlessly, desperately, as he felt for Peter’s scar. Once he found it, he began to calm down. It was proof that he wasn’t imagining his husband.

He blinked repeatedly until he was able to focus clearly on his husband. “Peter,” he said softly, sounding relieved.

Peter smiled at him, gently pulling the younger man close for an embrace. “It’s me, honey,” he whispered near Neal’s ear.

The younger man was beyond relieved. He hadn’t had a severe panic attack, which thrilled him. He never really worried about embarrassing himself in front of Peter. The worst he’s felt around Peter during and after a panic attack was attributed to the fact that he believed he could do better—that Peter could do _much_ better than him. “Thank you,” he whispered. Peter kissed the sensitive spot near Neal’s ear twice, rubbing his hand up and down Neal’s back slowly. Neal trusted Peter and he allowed himself to fall to pieces in front of Peter because Peter never called him weak or useless. Peter tried to pull him out of his living nightmare rather than ask him to suck it up and get over it already. “God,” he breathed, kissing the older man’s throat. “ _Thank you…_ ”

“There’s no need to thank me,” Peter said softly. “I do what I always do when you need me. I stay at your side until I know you’re with me again.”

Peter adjusted his clothing and gave his husband a few minutes to relax and pace around the office to ease his nerves before calling Fowler back into the office. Neal stood by the windowsill behind Peter’s desk, his arms crossed over his chest as he stared at one of the men who’d tried to destroy him. “Agent Burke,” he said as he addressed Peter. He glanced at Neal and raised an eyebrow, “And the other Agent Burke.”

“What business did you have with my mother?” Peter glanced at Neal warily and Fowler refused to answer. “I had a moment to read a report when Peter was talking to you in the conference room prior to bringing you in here. My mother requested you and the Marshals conceded. What did she want?”

Fowler sighed. “She came to me because I assigned safe houses to your stepfather and Laird.” Neal’s eyes hardened and his entire body tensed. He didn’t realize Fowler and Laird were that connected. He knew Fowler gave Laird the abandoned warehouse a few years ago and that was where he’d been raped by Laird at Fowler’s request. “She wanted a list of safe house locations because she’s trying to find him.”

Peter’s arm extended as Neal’s arms uncrossed. “Why does she want Laird?”

“Damned if I know. I don’t ask questions.”

“You—” Peter glanced at the door as it opened. Diana came in holding a folder and gave Peter a nod, asking if she could speak to him alone. He turned towards Neal and whispered, “If he does or says anything to you that makes you uncomfortable, do not hesitate to get me, Neal.”

Neal nodded silently at his husband before watching him leave the office with Diana. “You’re looking good,” Fowler said softly. Neal’s eyes flickered back to Fowler and his jaw set firmly. “I haven’t seen you in a long time.”

“Because you exposed your plot to have me raped brutally by a bastard after making me a star in your own personal porno collection.”

Fowler nodded and averted his eyes from the younger man. “If I’m allowed to ask, did you ever love me, Neal?”

The younger man was silent for several moments before whispering, “Yes.” Fowler looked a bit surprised and Neal shook his head. “It doesn’t matter. I wouldn’t have stayed in DC regardless. Our relationship was falling apart the moment you initiated surveillance on me and bugged my phone.”

“I wanted to know if you were lying to me,” Fowler said quietly. “Weeks after you finally allowed sex, you were granted an opportunity to work for the bureau in New York.” Neal nodded slowly. “You didn’t tell me until you were packing. I know about your son and I’m assuming he’s part of why you came back. Was he the reason you wouldn’t stay with me in DC?”

“I’m not a politician, Garrett. I wouldn’t have done a very good job working under you. I can’t sit in an office and play receptionist for nine hours a day. I was borderline suicidal with all of the paperwork you kept throwing at me.”

Fowler nodded. “You just didn’t like the idea of working as a subordinate to me.”

Neal sighed heavily. “No. You were trying to control me enough in your apartment—telling me when I could or couldn’t go out or make a phone call. You handcuffed me to the inside of the closet and took my phone for twelve hours when you thought I was calling some random lover of mine.” He closed his eyes and shook his head, whispering, “I did love you, but I wasn’t going to subject myself to that kind of abuse. Keller physically, emotionally, and sexually abused me. You were psychologically abusing me and the fact that you didn’t trust me in the slightest didn’t do any good for our relationship.”

“You were calling home to check in on your son?”

“Yes,” Neal said firmly. “I knew I wasn’t going to stay in DC. It was just a matter of whether or not we stayed together. You showed your true colors the day you hit me and accused me of cheating on you.” He opened his eyes and looked directly at Fowler. “I went home to be with my son. I slept around after I broke things off with you, but I…” He glanced at Peter, watching him talk to Diana. “I never fell in love again until I met Peter.”

Fowler frowned. “How is he any different than me? He’s your superior as well.”

“Peter makes me feel like his equal. When I was still a probie, he treated me like a Special Agent. He brought me along on high profile cases and really showed me the ropes of fieldwork.” He smiled faintly as he continued to stare at his husband. “He’s a very jealous and possessive man, but he’s never abused me. We’ve gotten into fights, but he never once hit me. To this day, Peter hasn’t hit me.”

Watching Neal stare at his husband irritated Fowler. After everything he’d done to Neal, he still loved the younger man. “How long have you been with him?”

“Six years next August,” Neal whispered. “And four of those years will be through marriage.”

“You’ve changed since we were together.”

Neal nodded, focusing on Fowler. “Peter was worth the effort. I grew up and he helped me through things I never trusted anyone with. He’s been with me through hell and back.” He was just beginning to wonder why the hell he was telling his ex-boyfriend all of this. After all, Fowler had been the one to set his second rape up with Craig. “He’s husband material and was from the moment we got together. You and I had nothing in comparison to what I have with him.”

Peter finally came back into the office and he immediately focused on Neal. “All of the safe houses Laird was given are cleared out,” he said, sounding disappointed. Neal frowned as Peter neared him. Peter didn’t care that Fowler was right there or that they were still in the bureau building. He slid his arms around Neal’s waist and held him. “We’re trying, baby,” he whispered.

“I know, Peter.” He rubbed Peter’s arm slowly. “There’s only so much we can do right now, love.”

The older man nuzzled his face against his husband’s for a brief moment before staring at Fowler. “Do you know where Craig is?”

Fowler shook his head. “I gave him five safe house locations.”

“We cleared out all five of them,” Peter said with a frown.

Neal kept his eyes on his husband. He understood how fiercely Peter wanted to bring Craig down. It wasn’t a matter of bringing them to justice in Peter’s mind. He wanted Craig to die a horrible, painful death for all that he’d done to Neal. Neal, though he’d been tortured, didn’t want Peter to kill Craig. Peter isn’t a murderer and he would certainly become one if he planned on killing Craig the way he’d spoken about before. He wasn’t planning on putting a bullet in him and Neal was afraid of what this would do to Peter psychologically.

The younger man understood his husband’s viewpoint. He’d be in the same animalistic position if he were Peter and if Peter were him. He could only imagine how hard things were on Peter. Peter had to take care of him with the addition of their three children. Neal felt more like a burden than a husband, but Peter would never entertain that thought.

•◊•

Neal breathed heavily against Peter’s neck as Peter rocked into him repeatedly. The fingers of his left hand were tangled in Peter’s hair and his right arm was wrapped around Peter’s neck. Peter’s lips were mouthing against Neal’s shoulder, his right arm holding Neal’s body against him while his left hand held Neal’s right leg against his hip. Neal’s legs were bent at Peter’s sides and Peter was in the mood to feel as much of Neal’s skin as he possibly could. “Oh, Neal…” Peter moaned against Neal’s shoulder.

Peter brought them home after picking Nicky and Trent up. Trent was spending the weekend with them, so he, Nick, and Neil were all playing in the basement as usual. Before Neal and Peter left work, Peter had been full of pent up frustration after dealing with Maryann, Fowler, and the criminals they’d brought in from their case. Neal knew it would only be a matter of time before Peter snapped. He wanted so desperately to find Craig, but he was wearing himself thin because he never gave up on the search. Talking to Fowler proved to be unhelpful.

The moment they’d gotten home, the boys went down into the basement and Mozzie left to drink himself into oblivion for the night. The twins would be awake in roughly an hour, so Neal dragged Peter into their bedroom to see if he could help Peter relax. He’d gotten Peter to admit that he was stressed out even when he was supposed to be sleeping. Neal noticed when Peter wasn’t in bed with him occasionally and he always found Peter on the couch with the laptop and his phone.

He’d been frustrated with the fact that they were covering so many bases and coming up with a whole lot of nothing. Neal was surprised by how blunt Peter was with him, but he appreciated it. Peter so rarely opened up to him and Neal felt bad about that. He was just relieved that Peter wasn’t frustrated enough to _not_ want to talk to Neal.

The only unfortunate part about their conversation was that Peter threw his phone and a few other things in their bedroom. Neal spent almost fifteen minutes trying to get Peter to stop, but he eventually did and they’d cleaned the mess up together. It was a bunch of Peter’s papers and folders, but Neal wanted to help his husband. It was the least he could do, he thought.

Falling into bed together hadn’t initially been part of the plan, but Neal convinced Peter that it would help Peter. “Peter,” he whispered as Peter’s teeth grazed his skin. So far, things were going well. Peter was fast, but not fast enough to cause Neal pain or to scare Neal. He didn’t bother to beg Peter to make love to him harder or faster because he wanted Peter to control the pace. “I love you,” he said fiercely as tears formed and slid down the sides of his face.

“I love you,” Peter breathed. He slid his hand up and down Neal’s back for a few moments before going back to just holding him close. “God. I love you.”

“God’s glad to hear that.”

Peter smacked Neal’s leg playfully. “Smartass,” he muttered moments before he kissed Neal fiercely. As he neared his climax, he thrust into his husband erratically, kissing him sloppily. “C’mon, baby,” he pleaded. He always wanted Neal to finish before him and he was trying to figure out how close his husband was.

Neal cried out quietly as Peter thrust a little harder. It wasn’t hurting him as far as Peter could tell, but it worked effectively. “Peter,” he breathed as he came on both of their stomachs. Peter slid his hand away from Neal’s leg and reached between them to make sure his husband’s release was fulfilled, gently tugging at his lover’s erection.

Once Neal was completely finished, Peter allowed himself the same release. He grunted against Neal’s shoulder, trying his damnedest not to bite his husband for once. Neal’s lips parted and his eyes shut as he took in the sensation of his husband’s warm release inside of him. He loved the feeling so much when he _knew_ it was Peter.

They both breathed heavily without moving for several long moments. Peter shifted a bit and rubbed his fingers over Neal’s stomach. Neal opened his eyes to watch his husband clean his fingers. Neal found it very arousing, especially because Peter liked the taste of Neal. “The essence of perfection,” Peter whispered as he slipped out of his husband. Neal gasped quietly and then Peter helped him relax. Peter laid Neal’s legs down on the bed and hovered over him, licking his stomach.

“That’s really hot,” Neal murmured, lifting his left hand to card his fingers through the older man’s hair.

Peter smiled up at him. “Want a taste?” Neal nodded and Peter shifted, kissing his husband. He let Neal’s tongue slide into his mouth and dance with Peter’s tongue. Neal tongued his husband’s mouth for a few moments before retracting his tongue, simply kissing his husband now. When they parted for breath, Peter couldn’t help staring at the debauched angel beneath him. “You’re so gorgeous,” he whispered.

“I’m all sweaty and ugh.”

The older man shrugged. “And your point is?”

Neal raised an eyebrow. “You like _this?_ ” he asked, nodding down at his glistening chest and abdomen. His hair was a mess as well, but he knew Peter loved that.

“I love you no matter what state you’re in. I made you this way, so I love it even more,” he murmured. He stared into his husband’s eyes and remembered how weak and damaged Neal had been when he’d been rescued from the farmhouse. He’d been bloody, naked, malnourished, and looked exhausted. Anyone else might’ve been revolted by such a horrific sight, but not Peter. He’d kissed Neal as soon as he had the opportunity and he’d do it again. Seeing Neal like that hadn’t been pleasant, but Neal needed Peter’s love more than anything and Peter was beyond willing to show him that unconditional love.

Peter passionately kissed the younger man. Their eyes were closed and Neal’s hands were caressing the sides of Peter’s face. It was a truly beautiful, calm, and passionate moment for them both—until they heard their babies crying through the monitor on Neal’s nightstand. “Shit,” they both breathed against each other’s lips.

“Well, at least they gave us enough time to finish,” Neal muttered.

Peter sighed and rolled onto his side. Neal slid out of bed and pulled his lingerie back on. “I’m inclined to just lie here and stare at either your ass or dick for the duration of the night.” Neal smirked at the older man. “Of course, I won’t be able to do that because you’ll cover yourself up for the night if I don’t help you with the babies.”

Neal made a small giggling sound as he went to find his sweatpants. “It’s an effective threat. You like when I’m naked because we’re warm and I like when you help me with the babies because it makes things less stressful.” He shrugged after pulling his pants on. “Gets your ass in gear a little faster anyway.”

The older man rolled his eyes as he forced himself to get out of bed. “I don’t know how you can move around so easily,” he muttered. “I didn’t do much of anything and I’m spent.”

Neal threw Peter’s briefs at him. “C’mon, big guy,” he encouraged, rubbing his husband’s ass for a few seconds before grinning at him and leaving the room. He was admittedly really sore after spending forty-five minutes making love with the older man, but it was a good kind of sore.

“Oh, you are gonna get what’s coming for you when we get back in our bedroom, sweet angel of mine,” Peter said as he grabbed his pajama pants and quickly darted after Neal to catch up to him.

Neal picked Joey up and held him against his chest, whispering, “Hey, Superbaby. Daddy’s got you.” He hushed his son gently, rocking him for a few seconds. “Daddy and poppa are gonna start dinner in a minute and we’re gonna feed you and Supergirl first.”

“Fly down the stairway and get started, Batman.” Neal smiled wryly at his husband. “I’ll take Brie downstairs,” he said once he’d gotten her to relax. “Do you want to sit with the babies in the living room or start dinner?”

“You’ve been doing dinner a lot lately, lover. I’ll do it tonight.”

Peter neared Neal and pecked his lips. “You seem to forget that you cooked most of our dinners for the last five years, darling. I am _more_ than happy to help out. I mean, you got me to do laundry properly.”

“At least you knew how to iron beforehand,” Neal teased.

The two went downstairs and Neal left Peter in the living room with the twins so he could start dinner. He knew hot dogs wouldn’t take too long.

Moments later, Nicky came bounding up the stairway in a panic. Peter glanced at him in concern. “Nick, are you okay?”

“Dad,” he said, sounding like he wanted to sob. “Where’s dad?”

Neal came out of the kitchen when he heard Nicky asking for him. “I’m right here. What’s—?” Nicky barreled into him, sobbing against his chest. “Jesus Christ,” Neal said, shocked. “Baby, what’s wrong?” Nicky wouldn’t answer him even as Trent and Neil came upstairs. Neal gently moved Nicky away from him just enough so that he could kneel in front of his son. “Nicolas, what is it?”

Peter made sure the babies weren’t going to roll off of the couch before getting up. He quickly made his way over to his son and husband, resting a hand on Nicky’s back. Peter glanced at Trent, seeing concern in his son’s best friend’s eyes. “I’m so scared,” Nicky said, his voice sounding so small. Neal was confused and really concerned. He didn’t tear his gaze away from his son at any point, but he didn’t know what to do.

“What are you afraid of?” Peter asked softly. Nicky shook his head and began to sob again. “Nicky, it’s okay. Whatever it is, it’s okay,” he promised as he moved to stand at an angle that allowed him to see his son’s face. “You came up asking for dad. What happened?”

“I can hear them!” he screeched, startling both of his fathers. He gripped Neal’s hands tightly. “They’re right there, cutting you up in front of me and I can hear you screaming!”

Neal’s eyes widened. “Nick,” he said hurriedly, “I’m fine. I’m home with you, poppa, and the babies.”

Nicky shook his head and shrieked, sounding like he was in pain. The sounds Nicky made were scaring the twins and they were wailing on the couch now. “Neal, take him into our bedroom. I’ll get the babies under control and I’ll come right up.”

“Come on,” Neal said quickly, leading Nicky upstairs.

Peter’s heart hurt as he listened to the sounds his son was making upstairs. He sounded terrified. “What the hell happened?” Peter asked Trent and Neil as he rocked the twins in his arms.

Trent stammered, “We were talking about Neil’s parents,” as he gestured at the teenager beside him. “He told us that his dad used to hurt his mom. Nicky was asking questions about Neil’s mom and Neil—” He glanced at Neil apologetically. “—said his mom was hurt almost the same way dad was hurt by his stepfather.”

Peter’s lips parted as he let that sink in. “Okay. I need to get up there to help dad calm him down,” he said frantically. “Can you boys please sit with the twins for a few minutes? Trent, go into the kitchen and turn the stove off. Dad had hot dogs in a pot and I don’t want them to burn.” Trent nodded, darting into the kitchen as Neil sat on the couch with the twins.

Peter raced up the stairway and heard Neal frantically speaking to their son. “Nicky, daddy’s okay. I’m right here. I’m not hurting and we’re not with them anymore. It’s okay. I promise.”

The agonized cries ripping out of Nicky were killing both men inside. Peter shut the bedroom door and crossed the room to stand at Neal’s side. “Buddy, I promise daddy’s okay. He’s here with us. We’re all at home.”

“They’re going to kill him!” Peter pressed a hand against Nicky’s chest gently in the hopes of letting him feel that he was home, but it seemed to have the opposite effect. Nicky lunged at Peter and fought him as though he were Craig or Vincent.

“Nicky, stop!” Neal pleaded. He wrapped his arms around his son and tried to pull him away from Peter. “We’re both safe!”

The teenager howled in fury as he let go of Peter and turned on Neal. He’d managed to trip his father and then he was straddling him, clawing at his chest. Peter was trying to stop Nicky without hurting him. He knew Nicky wasn’t seeing reality right now and he understood. He’d gone through something similar to this with Neal before. “You’re hitting dad!” Peter said frantically as Nicky started throwing punches towards Neal’s face. Neal managed to get Nicky off of him and rolled to the side to get away after a few hits connected. He had no idea what to do because he’d never seen Nicky like this before—ever.

Peter grabbed Nicky before he could hurt Neal again and held Nicky against his chest, locking him there in a vice-like grip. Nicky fought against him, trying to break free, but Peter was stronger than he was. He kept the side of his face against Nicky’s forehead and held Nicky’s wrists together so he couldn’t lash out physically. “Baby,” Neal said brokenly as Nicky finally began to wear himself out. Peter watched the younger man and saw a great deal of pain in his expression. Neal was realizing that this was what Peter went through with him from time to time.

Nicky breathed heavily, burying his face into Peter’s chest. “Poppa,” he whispered. Peter heaved a heavy sigh of relief, cautiously relaxing his hold on their son. He stroked Nicky’s hair as the teenager trembled against him.

“It’s okay,” Peter promised him. “Dad’s okay. He’s home and safe with you.”

Neal moved closer to them, resting his hand on Nicky’s leg. Nicky looked at his father for a second before sobbing again. Neal’s lip was bleeding and he had a slight bruise forming on his cheekbone. “Oh, God,” Neal whispered as he shifted his hand to gently stroke his son’s hair. “Nicky, listen to poppa. We’re all okay. They can’t hurt us.”

The three of them stayed in the older men’s bedroom for fifteen more minutes before Nicky excused himself and went to wash his face in their bedroom bathroom. Neal’s eyes were watering as he stared at the bathroom. “Honey,” Peter whispered as he wrapped his arms around Neal. “This was triggered through a conversation the boys were having.” Neal looked up at him, confused as tears slid down the sides of his face. “They were talking about Neil’s parents. He mentioned that there was a bit of abuse between them at some point and it triggered this reaction in Nicky.”

“Like when someone infers that I’m a whore?” Neal asked quietly, his eyes searching Peter’s. “That’s a trigger, right?”

Peter nodded. “That’s exactly what it is, angel. The mention of a parent’s abuse triggers Nicky in the same way that your panic attacks are triggered when someone says something sexually provocative or threatens you.” Neal shuddered against his husband, praying silently that Nicky would be okay. “I promised you that I’ll get you past all that’s been done to you,” Peter whispered. “I’m promising you that we’ll get Nicky through this, too.”

Neal blinked back tears as Nicky reemerged from the bathroom. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

Neal sat up and shook his head, remembering how Peter treated him after similar things. He wasn’t going to treat his son any differently. “Don’t apologize,” Neal pleaded. “Poppa and I are here for you. Don’t hide this from us.” Peter rested a hand on Neal’s lower back. “We’re going to get through this as a family, Nicolas. No one is alone.”

Nicky went straight to both of his fathers and hugged them both tightly. “I love you guys,” he whispered.

Peter kissed Nicky’s cheek. “Like daddy said, no one is alone. We’re all here for each other no matter what,” Peter said softly. “Don’t ever feel afraid of talking to us.”

They all separated a bit and Nicky nodded as he rubbed his face. “Believe it or not, poppa is amazing,” Neal whispered. “He’s helped me through so much, Nick, and I know he can help you. You and poppa are both really strong boys.”

Peter smacked Neal’s ass gently. “Dad is strong, too,” he said pointedly. “I know from being with dad for five years that things are rough and sometimes hard to overcome. Daddy has made so much progress. I know you don’t see me helping him or see him helping me when I need him, but we take care of each other and you’re our baby. We’re going to take care of you, too.”

Nicky looked at Neal and Neal added, “I am going to be here for you no matter what. I don’t care what time it is or if I’m in the middle of something. I will wake up and stop everything I’m doing for you, Nicolas James.” He took Nicky’s right hand in his left and squeezed it gently. “You know about my relationship—or lack thereof—with my mother. She was a terrible parent and left me alone to suffer in silence and fend for myself.” Nicky’s eyes were locked directly onto Neal’s as he listened to the sincerity in his father’s voice. “I will _never_ make you go through something alone. Poppa is the same way I am. You can _always_ come to us and we’ll always be here.”

The three of them returned downstairs as soon as Nicky was completely comfortable with doing so. Trent hugged Nicky before Neal headed back into the kitchen to work on dinner again. Peter sat on the couch with the twins, glancing at his oldest son as Nicky curled up against him on the couch. “You okay, buddy?” Nicky nodded and moved Peter’s arm until it was draped over Nicky’s shoulders. Peter smiled softly at the teenager. “I love you, Nick.”

“Love you, poppa,” he whispered.

Peter helped Neal set up the highchairs a few minutes later and they had the twins sitting in them. Neal would feed Brie tonight while Peter fed Joey. Nicky sat on Neal’s left, watching his father. Neal glanced at Nicky the moment Nicky focused on his food. His eyes slowly slid towards the corner of the table and his lips twitched into a small smile. Trent and Nicky were holding hands beneath the table.

Neal glanced in his husband’s direction and Peter caught his eye before seeing exactly what Neal saw. The older man knew what Neal was thinking, too. The absolute, pure love in Neal’s eyes proved his gratitude to his husband. Neal was thankful to have Peter in his life because Peter is his foundation, his support. Neal and Nicky were both so very much alike and they’d gone through something very traumatic together.

Peter gave his support and reassurances to his husband and son, but he understood that Nicky would want to have support that was a little more on the intimate side. It was innocent and, despite Neal’s wish to have Nicky wait before considering dating his best friend, Neal encouraged them. What he and Peter had was very intimate, very personal, and affected Neal in every way. Peter took care of him and made sure he knew he was loved. Neal can’t read Nicky’s mind, but he had the feeling that Nicky needed his own Peter to help him.

Beneath the table, Peter took Neal’s hand in much the same fashion. He squeezed his husband’s hand before returning to feeding his son. Neal stared at Peter, watching him feed Joey. He was absolutely mesmerized when he watched Peter become a father to their three children. When he and Peter were alone, they were lovers, partners, and husbands, but Peter became a completely different man with their babies. He was playful, loving, and responsible.

Watching Peter and Nicky was always amazing, but seeing Peter’s face light up as he continued to help Joey learn to walk made Neal’s heart skip several beats. “I love you,” he whispered as he leaned to press a kiss against his husband’s shoulder.

“I love you, too,” Peter said quietly over his shoulder, flashing a smile at his husband.

Imagining himself without this man was terrifying on so many levels, so he forced himself to stop thinking about it. He spent a lot of his young adult to middle aged adult life telling himself that he’d never find a lover like Peter. Peter was in his dreams and Neal thanked God for sending him a guardian angel. Peter meant that much to him and Neal knew that Trent and Nicky meant that much to each other as well. Both boys had their own issues that they brought to the table, but they bonded over them.

Nicky helped Trent overcome the abuse Matthew put him through and now Trent was helping Nicky overcome the abuse of his father that he’d witnessed. Neal’s heart warmed at the thought that the two of them would grow to be as strong as he and Peter are. There would be ups and downs to their relationship just like Peter and Neal’s marriage, but that’s how they strengthen themselves.

Peter and Trent were their guardian angels respectively. After Neal finished feeding Brie and Peter finished feeding Joey, he leaned against Peter and closed his eyes. He let himself feel the warmth of his husband’s love and body. He never wanted to lose what he has with Peter even though he’s done so many destructive things to hurt them. He and Peter could make it through all of those things and Neal had the feeling the boys could make it, too.


	33. Chapter 33

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What begins as a playful morning becomes a living nightmare in the Burke household.

“You’re staying home and that’s final.” Peter stared at his husband helplessly and began to protest, but Neal wasn’t having any of it this morning. “Peter Michael, your temperature is over a hundred degrees. You’re sick. Just accept it.”

Peter glared a bit. “I don’t get sick.”

Neal rolled his eyes. “I just took your temperature, Peter. The thermometer doesn’t lie unless you’re Nicky.” Peter chuckled and laid down at his husband’s insistence. Nicky tried to stay home sick a few times in the past by giving his father the thermometer he’d dipped into warm water. Neal knew better than that now after catching him doing it again. “You’ve got a fever and I’m telling you you’re taking a sick day, my love.”

“I’m well enough to work,” he said petulantly before sneezing. “Last I checked, you didn’t have a doctoral or nursing degree.”

The younger man laughed. “Lay your ass down. I have to go get Nick ready for school. I’ll call Moz when I get into the Taurus and let him know that you’re home sick. He’ll still come over to help with the twins.” Peter watched Neal get dressed. He’d been happy with Neal taking care of him in the nude for the last twenty minutes or so, but Neal had to look appropriate outside of the bedroom.

When Neal neared the bed to put his reading glasses in his nightstand drawer since they’d found their way to the floor during the night, Peter grabbed his hand and kissed the back of it. “Stay in bed with me.”

“Somebody’s got to go to work,” Neal murmured. “I’ll bring you some lunch later, babe.”

Peter moaned. “If I have to stay home sick, I want you here with me. You know I’m going to get cold sooner or later. Keep me warm, baby.”

Neal laughed lightly. “After I pick Nicky up from school, I’ll buy some ginger ale and stuff for you.” He kissed Peter’s forehead and murmured, “Your throat sounds scratchy, so it’ll help.”

The older man kept moaning and groaning as Neal continued to get himself ready for work. “Baby,” he whined quietly while Neal fixed his tie in front of a mirror. “Stop getting dressed.”

Neal chuckled as he glanced back at Peter. “I’ll take it all off when I come home for lunch.” He wandered out of the room and went down to Nicky’s room. He knelt beside the bed and rubbed his son’s back. “Hey, kiddo,” he said softly. Nicky groaned as he began to wake up. “Time to get ready for school, Nick.”

“Five more minutes, daddy?”

“Nope. The last time I gave you ‘five more minutes,’ it became ‘twenty-five more minutes, daddy.’” Nicky opened his eyes a little to look at his father and he smiled. “C’mon. Poppa’s sick today, so don’t make me have him come in here and wake you up.” Nicky finally got up and Neal went back into his bedroom to find his husband out of bed. “You pain in the ass,” he said playfully. He could see that Peter grabbed a suit out of the closet. He threw the bathroom door open and startled Peter. “Go undress and get back into bed. I’ll blow you before work if you promise me you’ll get back into bed.”

Peter raised an eyebrow. “I’m calling your bluff.”

“Get your ass back into that bed.”

Neal dragged Peter out of the bathroom and began undressing him himself. “Neal, I want you to stay home.”

“I know you do, babe,” he said as he made Peter sit on the bed. He took Peter’s suit jacket and tie off and went to put them back. Peter was only wearing his briefs, so Neal was fortunate to not have to hang Peter’s pants up. He wouldn’t have minded taking them off of his husband though. “I’d stay home, but I’ve missed so much work since I started working for the bureau. Most of it was your fault though.”

Peter scoffed. “I make you stay home for good reason. I’m your boss and I’m ordering you to stay home with me and let me cuddle you.”

Neal made a small giggling sound as he moved back towards the bed. “Peter Michael,” he whispered, shaking his head, “I love you so much, babe, but I have to go to work.”

“Fine,” Peter said as he laid down. He muttered, “Jerk,” under his breath. The younger man rolled his eyes as he grabbed the blanket and laid it over his husband, tucking it in around him. Peter watched him with a small smile on his face, reaching up to stroke the side of Neal’s face when Neal leaned over him. “I love you, too,” he said as Neal nuzzled his face against Peter’s palm.

The younger man smiled at his husband, whispering, “I’m gonna make sure Nicky’s ready to go. Kiss goodbye now or before we leave?”

“Kiss me now _and_ before you leave.”

Neal smirked and leaned down, kissing his husband. “Okay, love. I’ll come back in before heading out.” Peter nodded and Neal walked out of the room again. “Nicolas James, I hope you’re ready to go,” he said as he stopped in his son’s bedroom doorway.

Nicky wasn’t in his room and Neal hadn’t heard him go downstairs. Confused, he backtracked. He went to the twins’ room and didn’t see his son there either. The next room he checked was Neil’s. He knocked on the door and Neil came to open it. “Hey,” Neil whispered.

“Hey, kid. Is Nicky in there?” Neil shook his head. “Can’t find the brat.”

Neil’s brows furrowed. “Did you check the bathroom? I can go look downstairs.” Neal nodded and the two went their separate ways. The bathroom door was closed and Neal sighed, getting ready to tell his son he wasn’t sick and he was still going to school. He pushed the door open and opened his mouth to say something, but Nicky wasn’t there either. “ _Neal!_ ” Neil screeched from downstairs.

Neal broke into a sprint, darting down the stairway. He went to the kitchen and bumped into Neil who was standing in the doorway. Neil shifted and let him through and Nicky was lying on the floor with blood in front of him. This looked like his _worst_ nightmare come to life. His heart stopped and he slid across the floor, shaking his son. “Nick. Nicky. Nicolas,” he pleaded. He breathed heavily and gathered his son in his arms. He held him bridal style and said to Neil shakily, “Go get Peter. I’m taking him to the ER.”

He grabbed the keys off of the countertop and darted to the door. He didn’t know how he managed to open the door and shut it without dropping his son, but he did it. Fumbling with the keys, he also got the door to the Taurus unlocked. He ducked and leaned into the car, laying his son down on the backseat. In the brief moment that he had to really look at him, he could see blood on Nicky’s wrists that kept trickling out. His eyes watered as he took his suit jacket off and shifted his son to put it on him. He doubled up the cuffs and hoped it was enough to stop the bleeding.

Getting to the hospital was a miracle and he hoped to God Nicky would be okay.

•◊•

Peter showed up twenty-five minutes later to find his husband trembling and sobbing in a hospital waiting room chair. He felt like shit physically, but he could see that Neal was hurting mentally and emotionally. Nicky is _his_ baby. Whenever Nicky was put into some kind of threatening situation, Neal’s entire being just reacted without thought. He didn’t hesitate to do anything and everything for his son. “Baby,” Peter whispered as he darted over to his husband. He sat beside him, resting a hand on his lower back. “Honey, I’m here now.”

“He t-tried to kill himself,” Neal stammered. “They got him to wake up and he told them he wanted to die.” His entire body shook violently and Peter felt horrible. He didn’t know what to say to his husband. “He tried to commit _suicide,_ Peter. I don’t understand. He was fine when I woke him up.”

The older man nodded and slid his hand up Neal’s back, sliding it up to cup the back of Neal’s head. “Honey, we’re going to get answers and I’m sure he’ll be fine. Did anyone tell you why he was unconscious?”

“They told me he passed out because of shock.” Peter nodded and stroked his husband’s hair, leaning over to kiss his temple. “Peter, I feel like this is my fault,” he said miserably. “I haven’t paid enough attention to him or taken care of him the way I should be. I’m so fucking selfish and blind that I can’t even see my own son’s pain.” He doubled over and palmed his eyes as he sobbed.

Peter wanted to cry, too, but he knew he needed to help Neal. Falling apart would only hurt his lover more. “Neal, he’s going to be okay. Neil told me it wasn’t…terrible.” He was trying to be careful with his wording because of Neal’s most recent suicide attempt. The blood he’d shed in their bathroom that day was enough to make Peter nauseous if he thought about it after all of this time. “You’ve been helping him, honey. I don’t know why he snapped like this, but we’re going to take care of him—together. You aren’t alone in this nor will you ever be again.”

Neal leaned against Peter. He couldn’t find his voice as he continued to cry. Peter just held onto him tightly, hushing him gently with promises that Nicky would be fine. The older man wished he’d seen Nicky beforehand to know whether or not he was lying to his husband. Then again, Neal nearly bled himself out and he’d survived. Based on what Neil told him at the house, Nicky hadn’t done severe damage unless he’d cut a vein in his wrist. Rocking his husband made him realize that Neal and Nicky are both very vulnerable and occasionally volatile. Neal knew how to kill himself, but he tried to do it in the slowest, most painful of ways. As for Nicky, Peter couldn’t recall their son ever trying to commit suicide before and it terrified him.

Around noon, almost four hours after arriving at the hospital, a nurse came out and immediately looked at Neal. She didn’t know who he was, but the boy she’d taken care of told her to find a man who looked like him, but older. “Are you relatives of Nicolas Burke?”

Peter nodded, watching his husband’s expression. “We’re his fathers.”

“Please tell me he’s okay,” Neal whispered brokenly. The nurse could see that he was suffering and she wanted to make this as painless as possible.

“He’s okay, Mister Burke,” she said softly, “but it was a suicide attempt. He just barely missed a critical vein. Do either of you have any idea as to why he would try to commit suicide?”

Peter shook his head, holding Neal’s against him. “No. We’re absolutely clueless,” Peter whispered. “My husband said Nicky was fine this morning. We have no idea what happened.”

She nodded. “Would you like to see him? He’s conscious.”

Neal jumped up immediately, startling the nurse. Peter wasn’t surprised in the slightest. He took Neal’s hand as he stood up and intertwined their fingers, squeezing his hand. The nurse led them down the long hallway and around a corner, showing them into the room Nicky was in. As soon as Neal and Nicky’s eyes met, Neal took off like a bat out of hell. He ran to his son’s bedside and pulled him into a tight hug, stroking his hair as though he wanted to be sure Nicky was alive. “Hi, daddy,” Nicky whispered solemnly.

Neal couldn’t even answer him. He just sobbed as he held onto the teenager. He didn’t know how to deal with this because he never thought he’d have to. He knew he himself was destructive, but he didn’t think it was hereditary.

Peter rested a hand on Neal’s back, rubbing up and down his spine. Nicky looked up at Peter apologetically. “Honey,” Peter said gently. He wanted Neal to back up a little so he could hug their son as well, but Neal wasn’t budging. “Baby, can I—?”

“Daddy, I’m sorry.”

Neal breathed heavily as he finally pulled away. His cheeks were tearstained and his eyes and nose were red. He sniffled as he looked down at his son’s wrist that was wrapped in gauze. It looked like Nicky was still bleeding a little. “Tell me why you did this,” he begged his son.

Nicky’s lips trembled as Neal sat on the edge of the bed, taking his son’s hands in his. He just stared at his father and shook his head. Neal’s heart broke on his face. He just didn’t understand any of this. He knew his reasons for his own suicide attempts. Nearly becoming a man he despised and making himself believe that he’d raped a teenager were severely concerning reasons, but he was able to reflect on his thought process now that he wasn’t actively seeking death. “I wanna talk to poppa alone,” Nicky said thickly.

Peter’s lips parted and he swore he heard Neal’s heart crack inside of his chest. “Okay,” Neal whispered, getting up from the hospital bed.

Peter grabbed Neal’s hips before he could brush past him. “Promise me you’ll wait outside the room. Please promise me that you won’t do something to hurt yourself.”

The silence between them was very telling, but then Neal whispered, “I promise, Peter,” before kissing his husband. He glanced back at Nicky for a moment, adding, “Please help him.” He sounded like he was pleading. Neal knew damn well Peter could help Nicky because Peter pulled Neal through all kinds of shit. Neal wanted to die so very badly, but Peter managed to save him. “I love you,” he whispered, shutting his eyes tightly before more tears could fall. He left the room after Peter told him that he loved him in return.

As soon as the door closed, Peter turned towards Nicky, his brows furrowed. “What is it, kiddo?”

Nicky shook his head. “I felt like I deserved to die. Daddy wouldn’t have to deal with me plus his own suffering for once. He did that all my life, pretending that his life was just fine when it was in ruins.”

“Nicolas James,” Peter whispered brokenly. “Your father loves you to—beyond words.” He realized the initial expression was very inappropriate considering the reasoning as to why they were in the hospital to begin with. “Tell me why you felt like you deserved to die.”

Peter sat beside Nicky and kept his eyes on the teenager. He could see so much of Neal there. The way he was biting his lip was an occasional habit of Neal’s when Neal knew he’d done something wrong or he was trying to hold back because he was afraid he’d end up doing something wrong if he hadn’t already. The way his eyes were downcast reminded him of Neal’s constant need to look away and try to break the tension. Nicky’s entire body screamed misery to Peter and he’d seen Neal like this before. “I tried to go back to sleep when daddy left and I had a nightmare,” he whispered. He glanced down at his wrist and frowned. “I dreamt that they were cutting dad and I wanted to take his pain away.”

“You tried to protect him?” Nicky nodded slowly, reaching up to brush his hair back. “Oh, kiddo. He’s just fine. Honestly, this has hurt him a hell of a lot more than anything else he’d ever experienced or probably ever will experience.” He knew immediately that that was the wrong thing to say to his son when Nicky laid down and turned away from him to cry. Staring at him helplessly, he realized something. Nicky _is_ like Neal. He swung his legs up onto the hospital bed and laid down behind Nicky, spooning against him. He stroked his son’s knuckles, whispering, “Dad and I love you dearly. If anything ever happened to you or took you from us permanently, we wouldn’t be able to live with ourselves.” He kissed Nicky’s shoulder. “Daddy would die without you in his life, Nick. He really needs you.” Nicky was quiet and Peter sighed internally. “You’re his baby. I know I say this to you all the time and I’m beginning to sound like a broken record, but daddy, for as hurt as he can be, would never want to give you up in an attempt to save himself from his suffering.”

Nicky took Peter’s hand in both of his, his lips trembling as he leaned back against his poppa. “I was thinking about how much pain daddy is always in,” he whispered. “I know he tries to hide it from me. I don’t want him to look at me and suffer.” He sounded so vulnerable and small to Peter.

Peter kissed Nicky’s shoulder again, whispering, “Daddy’s been okay, Nicky. He doesn’t blame you for anything that happened to him.”

“But it was my fault,” Nicky said thickly.

“No. It wasn’t. You had no choice but to go with them when they took you. You could have gotten killed if you’d resisted.” He rested his hand, though both of Nicky’s hands were still holding it, on Nicky’s chest, giving his son a small smile even though Nicky’s back was to him. “You helped daddy survive, Nicky. I think you’re the reason he’s still alive. You saw daddy when he came back from what Craig did to him the first time.” Nicky nodded, biting his lip. He carefully turned over and stared up at Peter. He knew he couldn’t really hurt Peter the way he’d hurt Neal if he talked about these things, which is why he wanted Neal to leave the room. It wasn’t a matter of him wanting to talk to Peter more. He was afraid of causing his father more pain. He just didn’t realize that Peter wouldn’t keep this a secret. Peter and Neal don’t keep secrets like this from each other—especially when it came to their kids. “Nicky, he would have died without you. No amount of pain will ever make him forget that you’re the reason he’s alive.”

Nicky watched as Peter’s eyes glossed over. He didn’t know all of the details, but Peter was lost in his regrets and sorrows. If he’d fought a little harder, he may have been able to save Neal from Craig the first time. Neal gave himself to Craig to save Peter and Nicky in both situations. Peter realized there was nothing that Nicky could have done to help his father, but he felt that he should have been able to help his then-boyfriend. “Poppa?”

Peter blinked, lifting his hand to wipe tears away before they could fall. “Yeah, kiddo?”

“I didn’t know I was trying to kill myself until I looked at my wrist.”

He nodded, knowing that Neal’s done things blindly before. Peter didn’t understand entirely because he never felt compelled to end his life. He also hadn’t been raped or experienced the rape of a loved one first-hand. His lover and son were both traumatized and he knew he had to help them both. Neal was beginning to see things a little clearer as he watched his son suffer and Peter hoped that something would click in his husband. “It’s okay, Nick. I’m just glad you didn’t kill yourself—and daddy is, too. We don’t want to live without you, Nicky.”

After a few more minutes, Peter went to find his husband. His brows furrowed when he couldn’t find him. Just as he was about to panic, Neal came around the corner with a bottle of Coca Cola. He sighed heavily in relief. “Shit,” Neal whispered apologetically. “Did I scare you?”

Peter shook his head, walking towards his husband. He pulled him close for a hug. “I love you, baby,” he whispered as he pressed a kiss against Neal’s neck.

“I love you, too, Superman,” Neal said softly. “Is he okay?”

The older man pulled away first and stared at Neal’s face. “He is.” Neal nodded, frowning. “The only reason he asked you to leave the room was because he didn’t want to hurt you, honey. He…relapsed, honestly, without realizing it.” The pain on Neal’s face was unmistakable and it hurt Peter’s heart. He pulled Neal closer to the wall and spoke to him in a hushed tone. “You blame yourself for what was done to you,” he said, trying not to make Neal feel like he was at fault. “He’s like you in every way, honey. He’s blaming himself for what happened to you. This was him subconsciously telling himself that he didn’t want you to suffer. Hon, he thinks you’re hurting when you look at him.”

“Does he know how incredibly ridiculous that is?” Neal asked as he blinked rapidly. Peter lifted his hands to stroke Neal’s cheeks. “Peter, I love him so damn much. That’s my little boy and I’m the reason he tried to commit suicide.”

As Neal’s lips trembled, Peter whispered, “No, honey. That’s not true.” He wrapped his left arm around his husband, holding him close. Neal held onto him tighter, wanting to sink right into his husband’s warmth completely. “Don’t you dare beat yourself up over this, sweetheart.”

He made sure Neal was under control before they went back into Nicky’s hospital room. Nicky frowned at his father, apologizing with his eyes. The teenager had the feeling that Peter already told Neal. They’d been out in the hall long enough. “Here,” Neal whispered, holding the Coca Cola bottle out to his son. Nicky looked confused, but took the bottle. Neal wanted to say so many things, but he didn’t know what to say first. “I’m…gonna go see if you can get discharged.”

As Neal turned to leave, Peter gently gripped his arm. “Honey, I can do that.”

“No. You stay with him.” Peter’s heart clenched as he let go of Neal and watched him walk out of the room.

“He’s mad at me,” Nicky said miserably.

Peter turned to their son. “Nick, he’s not mad. I promise.” He sat with Nicky until Neal came back several minutes later with discharge papers.

•◊•

Peter crawled across the bed and got onto his knees behind his husband who was sitting on the edge of their bed, hunched over with his elbows on his knees and his face in his palms. He rested his hands on Neal’s shoulder, leaning forward to kiss the nape of Neal’s neck. “Are you okay?” he whispered.

Neal inhaled sharply as he sat up straighter, pressing the back of his head against his husband’s pectorals. “I never wanted this. I never wanted to see the day when my own son tried to take his life.” Peter could understand that and he wanted to help Neal so badly. “I was fourteen the first time I thought about committing suicide. He’s fourteen, too, Peter, and this is hurting me more than I’m letting on. I lived in fear for my mother and my own life during the three years that Vincent raped me. Once I escaped, I was so damned afraid that he’d find me for seven years after that. When Nicky was born, I was scared _shitless_ because I never wanted him to know about my past and I never wanted him to have to experience something like it.” Peter gently rubbed Neal’s shoulders, listening to him. He could hear the tremor in Neal’s voice, a telling sign that he was afraid or in pain. “In reality, I’ve wanted to kill myself for over twenty years, but I never once thought I’d have to watch my son suffer this way, Peter.”

“We’re going to pull him through this.”

“Stop being so damned optimistic,” Neal snapped as tears began to slide down the sides of his face. Peter hated when Neal snapped at him, but he’d been with Neal long enough to know that Neal’s snippiness was only due to the fact that he was terrified, angry, and hurting. “If he kills himself, I won’t be able to function and I’m barely functional as it is. You know that.”

Peter wanted to scream ‘ _See?_ ’ at his husband because Neal may actually understand how Peter feels when Neal tries to commit suicide, but he held back. The last thing Neal wanted right now was Peter’s own snippiness. Peter couldn’t bring himself to say that to his husband regardless. “Baby, you have come a long way since I met you. I know how compelling the idea of ending all of the pain is for you. You’ve tried several things, but you’re still here with me. You’re willing to recover, Neal, and I’m willing to hold your hand and pull you through this hell.” Neal glanced up at Peter over his shoulder and Peter stroked his cheek, rubbing his tears away gently. “I love him as much as I love you. I want you both to live equally, Neal. No one in this house is going to give up on their lives if I have something to say about it and I will do my damnedest to help both of you.”

“I’m not gonna try to kill myself anymore,” Neal whispered. “The last time I tried, you yelled at me the moment you came into the hospital room. You made it very clear that I was being selfish and thoughtless.” Peter wanted to tell Neal that he was sorry for being so cruel that day, but Neal kept speaking. “I can see how right you were— _are._ I have three children to raise and a husband who loves me for reasons only God knows to give my love to. The four of you are my life. If I end my life, I end yours as well and I don’t want to do that to any of you.”

The older man was speechless. He didn’t realize Neal had given this some very serious thought since that evening. However, he did realize he’d been a major dick to his husband. “ _How could you do this to yourself? To our family? To me?_ ”

“ _You should understand. You know what I’ve endured._ ”

“ _You know how much I love you, but I have never wanted to hit you until now. You’re a God damn fool._ ” Even now, his own voice made him cringe. He wished he’d never said any of that to Neal, but he’d said it and it affected Neal. “ _How could they believe that you loved them if you killed yourself? You’d abandon Nick and our babies, Neal. God damn you for being so inconsiderate of their feelings._ ” Peter could just see the brokenhearted look on Neal’s face as he spat these things at him. “ _Nick would be heartbroken and lost without you in his life, Neal. You’re his father—his real father… And fuck you, Neal George, for promising me you wouldn’t leave me._ ”

“ _I don’t deserve you._ ” Those four words Neal had spoken in response echoed in his mind, making him want to cry. Neal does deserve him. Peter believed that wholeheartedly. There were times when he wondered if he’d given Neal enough love and he strived to show him how much he does love him because he knows Neal deserves that kind of love. No matter what Neal does to himself or to the two of them, he will always love Neal. After everything, Neal deserved that kind of unconditional love and he didn’t want anyone else to love Neal the way he loves him. He wanted to be the only one Neal loves because he knew he gave Neal all the reason in the world to believe Peter would take care of him and he knew Peter would never abuse him in ways he’d been abused in the past. “Peter, are you okay?”

Peter blinked rapidly, staring at his husband’s concerned face. Neal could see the haunted look in Peter’s eyes. He slid off of the bed and turned to face him, lifting his hands to caress Peter’s cheeks. He leaned closer and kissed Peter tenderly. “I love you to death,” Peter said fiercely. “Don’t you ever leave me.”

Neal’s eyes widened a little. “I’m never leaving you, Peter Michael. I don’t want to be that selfish bastard. You and our children are important to me and I need to consider all of your feelings.” He rubbed his thumbs over Peter’s cheekbones and gave Peter a small smile. “You’ve made me see that I have a lot to live for over the years,” he whispered. “You’ve held me close when we’ve gone to bed together. The way you make love to me has always made me feel loved—like I matter and like I’m…beautiful.” He sounded a little embarrassed, but Peter was able to smile at it. “I know you love me, Peter, and I know you’re in this for the long run. You wanted to start a family with me. I came to you with my son and you accepted him as well as all of my personal baggage. You’ve treated him like your son and that makes me love you all the more. We’re raising babies together in addition to our teenage son. If you hadn’t come into my life, I might not have any or all of these things.”

“If I can get you to see things like this after all that you’ve been through,” Peter whispered, “then I believe we can help Nicky as a team.”

The younger man smiled a bit, nodding slowly. “We can,” he said softly before pressing another kiss against his husband’s warm, soft lips. “I love you. He loves you. The twins love you.”

“And I love the four of you,” Peter told him sincerely.

They’d gone to bed together shortly thereafter. Around three in the morning, he’d stirred a bit and realized the babies were awake—or at least one of them was. He glanced down to his right to see his husband and oldest son sleeping together. Neal’s arm was draped over Nicky’s waist and Nicky’s head was below Neal’s chin. Peter smiled at them. He thought he should be the kind of guy to not want his kid in his bed by a certain age and he might have been under different circumstances. With these two, he considered them his beautiful babies. Neal is only a few years younger than him, but he’s still Peter’s baby.

Despite still feeling a little sick, Peter slid out of bed after making sure Neal was still covered up. He went into the twins’ room and pulled Joey into his arms. All he had to do was change Joey’s diaper and put him back into the crib. He stood between the cribs silently and looked at his other babies. He had his beautiful twins to raise with his beautiful husband and son. Even with all of the trauma he dealt with between Neal and Nicky both, Peter wouldn’t change this for the world.

He crawled back into his bed not too long after he’d gotten Joey back to sleep and he curled up against Neal’s back, kissing his shoulder. “Love you,” Neal whispered.

Peter smiled when Neal’s hand slid back. He intertwined their fingers and Neal squeezed his hand gently. “I love you, too,” he said quietly. He slid his arm over Neal’s waist and held Neal’s hand all through the night.

No, he wouldn’t change this at all.


	34. Chapter 34

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nicky's first counseling session doesn't go well; Peter, in his thoughtlessness, criticizes Neal's past.

Peter sat in a psychologist’s office waiting room with Nicky’s hand in his. Nicky was holding onto him tightly, practically sitting on Peter’s lap since he was so close. “Everything’s going to be fine, Nicky. If this doesn’t work out well for you, then we’ll try something else. This isn’t our only option.”

“Why didn’t dad want to come?”

“I told him not to. He…has had a very bad experience with psychologists in recent years. You know how daddy gets when people who don’t understand suggest things that he’s either already tried or things he knows won’t help him.” Nicky nodded. “I didn’t want dad to get frustrated and he wants to see if this helps you or not, so I told him I’d take you.”

Nicky frowned and whispered, “I’m really sorry, poppa. I didn’t mean to make things hard on you and dad.”

Peter hushed him gently. “Dad and I are just fine, Nick. We just want to take care of you and we know that this is bigger than us, so we’re trying to do all that we can.” He leaned over and kissed Nicky’s hair. Nicky just leaned against Peter, wanting his poppa’s warmth and love.

“Nicolas Burke,” a woman said softly. Nicky tensed against Peter, but Peter slid out of the chair. Nicky followed milliseconds later since his fingers were still intertwined with Peter’s. “Hello, Nicolas,” she greeted him. Glancing at Peter, she asked, “I assume you’re his father?”

“That’s correct.”

She nodded. “I’m Doctor Sibyl, but you can call me Sheryl if it makes you more comfortable.” She gestured for the two to follow her into her office and asked them to take a seat on either the couch or one of the plush armchairs. Nicky chose to sit beside Peter on the couch. He felt really uncomfortable and he knew Peter could tell. Sheryl shut the door and took a seat a short distance away from them with a notebook in hand. “Why don’t you tell me a little about yourself, Nicolas?”

“You can just call me Nick,” he said timidly, squeezing Peter’s hand tightly. Sheryl smiled at him softly, silently encouraging him to speak. “I’m fourteen years old and my daddy and poppa are worried about me, so I’m here.” Peter frowned, damning Neal for all of two seconds because his stubbornness _is_ hereditary.

Sheryl could see that Nicky was a bit jittery, so she said, “We don’t have to discuss those reasons yet. I’m just trying to get a feel for the young man you are so I can determine ways in which I can help you.”

Nicky scoffed quietly. “Yeah. Psychologists helped my daddy,” he muttered. Peter stared at him incredulously. “Poppa, I don’t want to do this.”

Peter rubbed his thumb over Nicky’s hand. “Just this once. If it doesn’t work out, then it doesn’t work out, but I’d like it if you gave this some actual effort.”

“Dad knows this is a bunch of crap. That’s why he doesn’t see psychologists.”

“We’re not here to talk about dad,” Peter said gently. “We’re here to talk about you, Nick. Dad supports this entirely.”

Nicky wrenched his hand away from Peter and crossed his arms over his chest. “I want to go home. This isn’t going to help at all. It’s never helped dad before because they don’t understand anything.” He closed his eyes and whispered, “I have you and dad to help me. I don’t need anyone else.”

“Nick, I told you that dad and I realize that this is out of our control.”

The teenager flew off of the couch and spun to face Peter. “So you’re giving up on me? You spent years helping dad with all of his stuff, but the second I get issues of my own, you’re just dropping me on some person I don’t know. What makes you think I’ll even talk to her about any of this? You won’t even let me talk to you or dad about it.”

Peter’s heart broke on his face. “Nicolas, stop,” he pleaded. “Dad and I are doing this for your own good. We’re not giving up on you. You know we’ll be here for you no matter what. Now, please sit down and let’s have a nice conversation with Sheryl, okay?”

“No, poppa. I’m not doing this. Dad knows this is a bunch of bullshit. It’s never fucking helped him before!”

Peter stood up and startled Nicky. “You will _not_ use that kind of language, Nicolas James Burke. Your father has raised you better than that and he’d be really disappointed in you if he were here to hear what you just said.” Nicky shrank into himself a bit, bowing his head. “Sit down, Nick. We’re only going to be here for a little over an hour. If you don’t try this, we’ll never know if it’ll actually help or not. Sheryl wants to help you and I want you to let her try to help.”

Peter sat down again. He knew he could scare Nicky really easily. It was the same with Neal. All he had to do was look a little angry and stand up. Even after several years, Peter still had the ability to scare Neal on occasion. The fact that he towers over Nicky was enough to scare his son and it made his heart wrench, but he needed Nicky to try this.

Nicky took a seat beside him again, sitting as close to him as humanly possible. “Okay,” he whispered. He looked up at Peter and was surprised to see the soft smile on his poppa’s face. He leaned against the older man and whispered, “I’m only doing this because you asked me to.”

Peter sighed and closed his eyes. Sheryl watched the two of them, analyzing them. Through their conversation, she discovered that Nicky has two fathers and it seemed that his other father was more than likely his biological father, which made Peter a second-parent. She had nothing against gay men, but she wondered if that may be an issue for Nicky. It seemed a little strange to her as she thought about it, but she wasn’t sure. Children she’s dealt with in the past have had mixed views on their upbringing if they lived in a homosexual household. She’d met children who were confused in life and resented either their set of mothers or set of fathers. On the opposite side of the spectrum, she’d met children who were perfectly fine with the way they were living. Those children didn’t seem to be fazed at all by the fact that they were raised without either a mother or a father in their life.

She wasn’t sure which side of that Nicky was on, but she would slowly try to pry that answer out of him if they were going to have future sessions following this one.

•◊•

Peter unlocked the front door to the house and Nicky stormed past him, toeing his shoes off before darting upstairs. Neal’s lips parted as he watched his son and then he glanced at his husband who looked frustrated. He scooped Joey up into his arms and stood up from where he’d been sitting on the floor to play with him. “Things didn’t go well?”

“I need a beer after that,” Peter muttered as he took his own shoes off and stormed past Neal to get into the kitchen.

Neal’s eyes widened and he quickly followed the older man. “Don’t you dare drink that beer,” he stammered as Peter pulled a bottle out of the pack. He glanced at Neal over his shoulder, slightly confused. “I don’t want to see you become that kind of man, damn it,” he whispered. “He’s _our son._ I understand how frustrating being a dad is. I was a mostly-single father for almost nine years, but don’t you dare start drinking incessantly because of this. I’ll leave you right now if you plan on becoming an alcoholic.”

Peter stared at him sadly for a moment before setting the beer down in the refrigerator. He closed the door and walked over to his husband, cupping his cheek before kissing him. “You’re right,” he whispered. “I’m sorry, honey.”

The two went into the living room where Brie was sleeping on the couch. Neal sat down in front of the couch and tried to get Joey to stand in front of him. “Do you want to talk about it?” he asked as he looked up at the older man.

Peter sat down across from him and sighed. “He resisted—a lot.” Neal’s brows furrowed. “I told him you had bad experiences with shrinks in the past and I think he tried very hard to have the same experience. He was very hostile and he was swearing occasionally.”

“That’s really not like him,” Neal whispered.

“That’s my point, darling.” Joey bounced in front of Neal excitedly, giggling loudly as he clutched Neal’s index fingers tightly. Neal smiled at his son as Peter kept talking to him. “I’ve never seen him like that before. It was like he was trying to sabotage the counseling session, so I don’t know if this will actually help him or not. If he wants to go back, we’ll go back next Saturday. If he doesn’t, then you and I need to figure out how else we can try to help him.”

Neal nodded even as he made faces at Joey to elicit giggles from the baby. “We should probably sit down just the three of us and talk this through.” Peter smiled as he watched his husband act like a child while carrying out a mature, adult conversation. “He does try to be like me too much and I don’t want him to shut this out because I did. My group therapy and my husband—” His eyes widened and he whispered, “Trent.”

“Hon?” Peter asked, totally confused.

“If he’s anything like me, he wants someone he can trust implicitly—someone he knows won’t judge or ridicule him.” Peter scooted closer to his husband and son, taking his son when Neal turned him around. “He noticed how miserable I’d been occasionally before you came into my life. Since you’ve been in our lives, he can see that I trust you with everything I’ve been through and more.”

Peter nodded slowly, raising an eyebrow curiously. “So are you saying you want Trent and Nick to…get closer? Don’t you think that’s kind of forcing the—?”

“Trent loves Nicky and I’m starting to believe that Nicky reciprocates those feelings. I’m still going to be the jerk that doesn’t let his son date until a certain age, but I’ve seen him with Trent. Sleepovers, for instance. They curl up in Nick’s bed together in a way that practically mirrors you and me. Nicky spoons Trent and you spoon me.”

“Do you think this would really help him? I mean, I think a professional might be a better route than having him experiment his sexuality while suffering trauma.”

Peter flinched when he realized he’d absolutely insulted his husband. Without thinking, he’d criticized Neal’s way of coping. Neal avoided professional counselors and wound up in relationships he never should have started. It wasn’t _exactly_ the same as what Peter said, but it hurt Neal nonetheless. He gave the younger man an apologetic look. “I don’t know, Peter,” Neal said a little bitterly. “Why don’t you tell me? Last I checked, Peter Burke didn’t have a degree in psychology.”

The older man sighed heavily and pulled his son onto his lap, staring at Neal directly. “Honey, I didn’t think about that before—”

“Obviously—because we all know you’ve dealt with rape first-hand before.” Peter gaped at the younger man as he pushed himself up from the floor and stormed away from Peter, more than likely heading up to their bedroom.

Peter looked down at Joey, watching his son play with the fabric of his shirt. “Poppa’s an idiot,” he whispered. “I really hope you’re smarter than me, kid. Dad’s mad at me because I’m a jerk and I’m thoughtless.” Joey giggled and pulled at Peter’s collar. “It’s nice talking to you,” he murmured. “You have no idea what I’m saying, but you laugh and smile at me anyway.”

He went upstairs a few minutes later and tried to open his bedroom door, which was locked. He groaned and mentally slapped himself, glancing at his son in his arms. He knocked on the door gently. “Go away. I don’t want to talk to you.”

“Honey, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to crit—”

“I said go away, damn it,” he snapped, sounding like he was under the pillows and the blankets on their bed.

Peter sighed and went back downstairs. He sat on the couch Brie was sleeping on and gently bounced Joey on his thighs, loving the way the boy giggled and drooled as he smiled. “At least I can make you happy,” he whispered. “Daddy will come back downstairs soon, I hope.”

Neal kept himself locked in his bedroom for three hours and it was starting to hurt Peter about an hour and a half ago. He knew Neal was fine because he could hear him moving around and there was the occasional ‘fuck off’ when he went to check up on him as well. By the time Nicky came downstairs, Peter was just overflowing in his misery. “Poppa, are you okay?” he asked as he moved down the stairs quicker.

Peter nodded. “Yeah. I upset dad.” Nicky’s brows furrowed as he sat beside his poppa. “We’re fine. I just said the wrong thing and it pissed him—” He paused and corrected himself, albeit too late at that point. “I made him pretty mad, but we’ll be fine.”

“Do you want me to go talk to him?”

“What do you want for dinner?” Both Peter and Nicky looked at the stairway as Neal came down. His hair was a mess and he looked exhausted. He didn’t look at his husband or children as he passed through the living room and Peter’s heart ached.

“Hamburgers, daddy?” Nicky asked softly, hoping to help his dad’s mood a little.

“’Kay.” He disappeared into the kitchen and Peter frowned, looking down at his youngest son.

Nicky watched Peter. He’d seen his fathers in so many situations. This was one of the rarer scenarios. Peter was pretty good at upsetting Neal, but Neal was usually damn near close to acting like himself when he came back. This time, he’d totally detached himself from his surroundings and essentially ghosted around the house. “Can you watch them for a few minutes?” Peter asked tentatively. “I want to talk to dad.”

“Yeah. Sure, poppa.” He held his arms out for Joey and Joey eagerly went to him. Brie was stirring behind them and Peter got up after making sure the kids would be okay.

The moment Peter walked into the kitchen, Neal said, “Feel free to take your shitty, judgmental comments elsewhere.”

Peter sighed heavily, standing a short distance from his husband. “Neal, I’m really sorry. I should’ve thought before commenting and it really wasn’t my place to say anything anyway.”

“Yeah. You’re right.”

“I could do without the hostility, Neal. I’m trying to apologize and you’re being really uncooperative.”

Neal spun and looked at him critically. “Have I ever criticized you for marrying a woman before you met me?” Before Peter could answer, Neal continued. “Have I ever criticized the way you lived your life in a web of lies you told yourself?”

“No,” Peter whispered, his cheeks heating up.

“Fuck you for criticizing my fuck-ups. At least I didn’t delude myself and pretend I loved someone I could never possibly love. I didn’t lie to people around me about my sexuality.” Peter wanted to surge forward and grab Neal roughly and demand that he calm down so they could talk this through, but Neal was right. “I’ve admitted to you _repeatedly_ that I’m a whore and that I’m definitely not the brightest bulb in the bunch. No, I didn’t seek professional help. I had no support system, Peter. My stepfather was raping me day-in and day-out. There was no fucking escape from that.” Peter nodded slowly, his heart twisting at the anger in Neal’s voice. “I had no one I could go to. My mom didn’t believe me, I had no father, and Ellen couldn’t be my mom because she had a life of her own to live and my birthmother is a self-centered bitch. I had no one to trust with any of that. I couldn’t talk to anyone about it for twenty _years._ ”

“Honey—”

Neal threw the hamburger to the floor and Peter was grateful to see that it was still in its original packaging. “Nicky has it so much better than I did. I had no best friend. I had no boyfriend. Hell, I didn’t have a girlfriend. My mother turned on me, my father was AWOL, and my stepfather spent about three years ravaging my innocence.” Peter stepped closer to his husband and Neal snarled at him. “I didn’t have parents who gave a damn. I didn’t have a best friend to love and return that love. I spent years trying to get over what he did to me, Peter. I’m almost forty years old now and I still can’t get past it. Then you have the God damn oh-holy-balls to hint that I’m an idiot because I didn’t find a professional to help me instead of forcing my way into relationships that made me feel like I mattered even though I know damn well that I never mattered.”

Peter finally made his move and gripped Neal’s shoulders. “I’m proud of you for all that you’ve done, Neal. I never meant to insult you or hurt you.”

“You and your holier-than-thou attitude can go have an affair in our bedroom because I’m not sleeping with an asshole who thinks his husband made all the wrong choices in life. Yeah, Peter, I did. Now I’m starting to question whether marrying you was one of my _few_ right choices in life or not.” Peter stared at him, hurt beyond words. “Is there anything else you want to criticize? Do I make the wrong sounds when you fuck me? Do I dress myself wrong? Does the size of my dick disappoint you? C’mon, Peter. Have at it. Tell me what you really think of me now.”

“Do you fucking realize that you’re saying all of this bullshit with our son within earshot?” he asked incredulously. “You’ve always been the one to keep up the appropriate—”

“There you go. Come on, baby. Criticize me.”

Peter wasn’t sure what he wanted to do in that moment, but he grabbed Neal’s biceps and shoved him against a nearby wall, growling, “Stop this right now. Nick is in the other room and I know you don’t want him to hear all of this.”

Neal laughed mirthlessly. “Like you give a damn. He’s _my_ son and _you_ are criticizing the way _I_ want to raise him. I made a suggestion and you shot it down immediately. If you don’t think Trent can help Nick, what the hell makes you think you can help me?”

“The fact that I love you with all of my heart and soul makes me think I can help you. You’re not a fling or a test for my sexuality.” Neal opened his mouth and Peter spoke over him. “I asked you to spend your life with me. I married you because I want to be with you. We’re old enough to know what we want and how we feel. I don’t know how you would have reacted if you’d had a friend when you were going through all of this.” He shut his eyes tightly and gripped Neal’s biceps tighter. “I _wish_ you’d had someone you could trust, Neal. I wish you had someone to love you and accept you and guide you. If I’d met you back then, I would have done everything I could to save you. You never deserved to go through this all on your own.”

“Well, you weren’t there,” Neal whispered. “You weren’t there to hold me when I woke up from a nightmare. You weren’t there to tell me everything was okay when I couldn’t get myself to sleep. You weren’t there to protect me when he came into my bedroom and had sex with me.”

“I wish I had been.” He opened his eyes and wasn’t entirely surprised to see that Neal was avoiding eye contact. “I’m sorry, Neal. I was really insensitive. I knew the moment it came out of my mouth that it was wrong. I know I hurt you and I’m sincerely sorry.”

Neal blinked back tears as Peter slowly let go of him. “He has people in his life who love him and want to help him. I don’t want to restrict that. I know how it feels to be alone.”

Nicky was sitting in the living room, silently crying as Joey laid back against him and Brie sat down in front of him. He hated when his fathers argued. The things they said to each other made him want to go in there and yell at them, but he had a responsibility to his siblings. He knew his dad and poppa would be okay and he knew they could handle themselves. That didn’t make it any less painful to hear them spew such cruel things at each other. Granted, Neal was the one doing most of the spewing, but it still hurt.

Peter kissed Neal’s forehead and whispered, “I love you and he’s _our_ son. You’re not a single father anymore.” He was surprised that Neal let him initiate a hug, but he welcomed it. “You’re not alone now and you’ll never be alone again. I should have shut up and let you express your suggestion. You’re my husband. I’m not supposed to be judgmental or criticize you. That’s not how our marriage is supposed to work and I’m truly sorry.”

Before Neal could respond, he watched Peter bend over to pick up the hamburger package, setting it on the countertop. “I said a lot of stupid things,” he whispered. “Too many to even begin asking— _begging_ for forgiveness.”

“There’s nothing to forgive. This is my fault and I accept that. You’ve been a father a lot longer than I have been, so I honestly have no idea what’s best for Nicky and what’s not.”

The two quietly apologized and softly kissed each other before starting dinner together. Once they left the kitchen, they apologized to their son. Neal felt horrible because Peter was right. Nicky did hear everything he’d said. Nonetheless, Nicky told them he was happy that they were able to make up before a breakup. He admitted that he didn’t want his two daddies to leave each other.

•◊•

Peter stroked Neal’s spine slowly, kissing him passionately as they stilled their lovemaking. They were both in sitting positions, but Neal was in Peter’s lap—for all intents and purposes. They’d started out as vanilla as ever and then they both shifted to bring themselves a lot closer. Neal’s arms were wrapped around Peter’s neck, Peter’s hands were alternating between holding Neal’s hips and stroking Neal’s bare back, and Neal was finally shifting just enough to stretch his legs out. He’d bent them for a little too long and he was beginning to feel stiff. Peter only moaned quietly in response to Neal’s movements and then Neal settled again. Peter’s right hand slid over Neal’s left thigh slowly, eliciting a shiver from the younger man.

“For the record,” Peter whispered, “you make perfect sounds in bed, dress in a stunningly stylish professional or casual way, and the size of your dick is _very_ satisfactory.” Neal laughed lightly, resting his forehead against the top of Peter’s head. “I love you, Neal, and I’m sorry for starting an argument with you. I always say the stupidest things and I don’t blame you for being pissed off. If I were you, I’d be pissed at me, too, honey.”

Neal sighed, rubbing the nape of Peter’s neck gently. “You’re an idiot sometimes, but at least I can say you’re _my_ idiot,” he said playfully. “I’m sorry that I took it so personally. I know it’s not what you meant.”

“It hurt you nonetheless and I’ve never wanted you to pretend that you’re fine when you’re not.” He reached up to stroke Neal’s hair slowly, watching his husband’s eyes slide to a close. “I don’t blame you for the things that happened during, you know… I don’t blame you for anything that happened afterwards either.” He smiled softly at the younger man even though he wasn’t looking. “After all, you had Nicky in that timeframe. You gave life to that little brat of ours and I’m so grateful to have you two. I’m grateful that you trusted me enough to ask me to drive you to Ascension that one day. Granted, the events of that were shitty as they unfolded, but you trusted _me_ and allowed me to meet that little ball of endless energy.”

The younger man opened his eyes and a single tear slid down the right side of his face. “Thank you, Peter, for being here. You’ve kept me together and you’ve helped me raise my son—and now we’re raising three children together.” Peter gently wiped his tear away and kissed him softly. “You’ve gotten me through so much. I’m not suicidal anymore, Peter, and I have you to thank for that. You opened my eyes and gave me a really tall glass of _this is how it is._ ”

Peter chuckled. “You just needed a push in reality’s direction, honey, and I’m glad I got through to you. I’m sorry for resorting to becoming a dick to get you there.” Neal shrugged and Peter kissed him again. “I’ve never wanted to lose you—any of you. I love our kids as much as I love you. Without _one_ of you, I’m certain that I’d fall apart.”

“None of us are going anywhere. I’m not leaving you—ever.”

Neal watched Peter unwrap his arms from Peter’s neck. He took Neal’s left hand in his and kissed the back of his hand, his knuckles, and finally his wedding ring. “As long as you never give this back to me, I’m a very happy man.” Neal nodded, taking Peter’s left hand to rub his ring. “I love you, Neal George, and I’m really sorry for all of the stupid, ridiculous, hurtful things I’ve said to you over the years,” he whispered. “Honey, the fact that you’re still wearing your ring—still interested in me means so much more than I can tell you.”

“Peter Michael,” Neal said softly, intertwining the fingers of his right hand with the fingers of Peter’s left. “You and I—our bond is extremely important to me. You were my friend, my partner, my _partner,_ and now you’re my husband and the second father to our children.”

Peter twisted them and managed to get Neal onto his back. He would have laid on his own back, but he knew Neal’s legs were still stiff. “You are my one true love,” Peter told him. “There’s never been a moment where I haven’t loved you. The first time I laid eyes on you, I loved you. I have loved you all this time and I will continue to love you for eternity.”

“I—”

The knock on their door startled both men. Peter barely twisted enough to look at the door. “You did lock the door, right?” Neal glared at him. “Of course you did…” He cleared his throat. “Nick?”

“Neil’s gone.”

Peter looked down at his husband in surprise. “We’ll be out in a sec,” Neal called out. He closed his eyes and his jaw set firmly. “I want to finish this with you, but now I’m tense and God only knows where he went.”

“Would I be an ass if I quickly helped you orgasm?” Peter whispered. Neal’s eyes opened and he cocked an eyebrow. “Wrap your legs around my hips.” Neal glanced at the door for a moment before doing just that. In a matter of minutes, they’d both finished. “Damn it. I always lose my God damn—”

“Right here, love,” Neal said as he held out Peter’s briefs. He was already in his lingerie and was moving to grab his sleep pants next. Peter watched him dress, mesmerized by the sight of his gorgeous husband. After earlier, he was lucky to have the younger man join him in bed. Neal was dressed first and, after making sure Peter looked at least half decent, he left the bedroom first, heading around the corner and down the hall to Neil’s room. He pushed the door open and looked around.

Peter came in just as Neal moved towards a darkened corner behind the nightstand. “What is it?”

Neal pulled a paper out of the dark area and stood up, unfolding it repeatedly. He quickly read the note and frowned, turning it towards Peter. Nicky came in just then and asked, “He’s not coming back, is he?”

“No,” Peter whispered. “He left two hours ago.”

“Why?”

Peter glanced at Neal. “He thanked us for taking care of him,” Neal whispered. “He got in touch with his mother via email, I guess, and she came for him.”

Nicky’s eyes welled up with tears and Neal’s heart clenched at the sight of it. “He’s going to commit suicide, isn’t he?”

“No. He left a phone number. I’m gonna call it.” Neal took the paper from Peter and went into his bedroom, grabbing his phone from the nightstand. He dialed the number and held the phone up to his ear just as Peter came into the room with Nicky. As soon as the phone picked up, he whispered, “Neil?”

“ _Hey, Neal. Got my message, I see._ ”

“Yeah,” he said quietly.

“ _I’m sorry for not telling you in person, but… It would have been too hard to say goodbye to you guys. You’re like family to me, which is why I’ll be eternally grateful for everything you did for me, Neal._ ”

Neal smiled faintly. “Just promise me one thing.” Neil made a sound of acknowledgement. “Call sometime—just to let us know how you’re doing.”

Neil laughed lightly and sighed. “ _I will. I promise you I’m going to make a better life for myself, too. I know you guys have problems sometimes and I know I probably will, too, but I want to be able to live my life like you’re trying to do._ ”

“It’ll take time, kiddo.” He turned and immediately focused on his husband, smiling softly at him. “Things will get better. You’ll see.”

“ _You and Peter inspired me. I’m not gay, but I want to have a relationship like yours._ ” Neal could hear Neil crying quietly on the other end, which concerned him. “ _I can’t thank you enough for all that you and Peter did for me. My mom and I will either send or bring you something as a—_ ”

Neal shook his head, looking at his son now. “If you take care of yourself and _live,_ then that’s enough of a repayment as I need, Neil.” Neil sighed and sniffled. “I care about you. I’m not going to make you pay me something ridiculous for being myself. I would’ve done it for anyone, Neil. I’m glad we had the opportunity to meet, at least.”

“ _Me, too. Tell Nicky that maybe we can hang out someday. Mom and I are moving out of New York to get away from my dad, but I want to move back when I’m old enough to live on my own._ ”

“I’ll tell him.”

There was a brief pause on the other end and then Neil whispered, “ _I love you. You aren’t my real dad, but you’re the closest thing I’ve had to a perfect dad. Thank you for making me feel welcome even though I didn’t deserve it at all._ ”

“You’re always welcome here,” he said sincerely. He swallowed and added, “And I love you, too. You definitely felt like another son to me.”

“ _Thank you, Neal, so much. I have to go now, but I’ll call you again sometime._ ”

Neal nodded. “All right, kid. Take care of yourself. I’m looking forward to that phone call.” They said one last goodbye and then the call disconnected. Neal felt really hollow all of a sudden and he had to sit down on his bed or he’d fall to the floor. “God,” he whispered as he leaned forward and practically put his head between his knees.

Peter was at his side in an instant. “Honey, are you okay?”

It took a few moments for Neal to regain his composure and then he nodded once again. “God. If I feel like this now, I can’t imagine how much of a wreck I’ll be when you move out, brat.” Nicky snickered in the doorway and Peter smiled a bit.

Nicky asked if he could sleep with his fathers and both of them said it was fine, so Nicky crawled in with them, laying between the two older men. He stared at his dad’s chest for a few moments before scooting over to hug him. Neal smiled and stroked Nicky’s hair slowly. “I love you, daddy. I’m never gonna leave you.”

“I know,” Neal whispered. Nicky would move out someday, but he’d always be extremely attached to his father after all that they’d endured together. Though Nicky was severely traumatized from the whole experience, he and Neal had grown closer in ways they hadn’t developed before. He understood his father’s past a lot more now and he was able to understand why his father acted the way he did at times. “I love you so much,” he said as he kissed Nicky’s hair. “Get some sleep.”

Peter rubbed Nicky’s back until Nicky fell asleep and then he held Neal’s hand on their pillows above Nicky’s head. “My soulmate,” he whispered with a small, soft smile. He lifted Neal’s hand and kissed the back of it, closing his eyes as his lips lingered on his husband’s warm skin. “I can’t imagine my life without you in it. I don’t want to imagine my life without you.”

Neal pushed himself up just enough to lean over Nicky and kiss the older man. “You’ll never have to live without me,” Neal promised him. “I’m not going to lie to you and say that I’m recovered. I’m not. I can, however, tell you that my suicide attempts are over.” He looked down at Nicky then and frowned. “Tomorrow, we’re focusing on him, Peter.” Peter nodded, squeezing Neal’s fingers. “I know he trusts me and I know he’ll open up to me, but this…is something we need outside help for. My trauma combined with his equates into a disaster.”

“Oh, my God.” Neal’s brows furrowed in confusion. “You used the _T_ word.”

The younger man rolled his eyes and reached over to smack Peter’s ass. “Fuck you,” he whispered teasingly. “I’m serious though. It’s not a good combination. The fact that we were together for _his_ trauma won’t help him. I know you’ll do the best you can, but I’m not the right person to have as a guide.”

“He’s your son. He looks up to you for guidance.”

“Yes, but I don’t know if I can make things easier for him.” Neal rubbed Peter’s hip, closing his eyes. “I went through the torture, but he was forced to listen to it—and occasionally see it.” Peter could see Neal’s lips trembling. He pushed himself up immediately and reached over to stroke Neal’s hair in what he hoped was a comforting manner. It usually worked in the past. “The most I can do is what you’ve always done for me,” he whispered as he opened his eyes. “I can reassure him that everything is okay now, tell him I love him, and continuously remind him that none of this was his fault.”

Peter nodded slowly, carding his fingers through his husband’s hair. “Everything will be fine, hon. We’ll get him help and he’ll have us at all times no matter what.” Neal nodded and glanced at his son again.

“Can I cuddle with you?” he asked, sounding like a small, frightened child.

“Of course.” Peter scooted back just enough to let Neal shift over their son. He curled up against Peter, rubbing Peter’s side. “We’re all going to be just fine in the end, my love. I’ve kept you alive and moderately happy for—”

“Moderately happy my ass,” Neal muttered. “You sell yourself short. Someday, you’ll realize that I’m extremely ecstatic with you in my life.”

Peter harrumphed quietly, laying his head down on the pillow as he held Neal close. “I’m still waiting for the day when you realize that I feel the same way.”

Neal nuzzled his face against Peter’s chest, whispering, “I believe you.”

He kept stroking Neal’s hair and Neal kept sliding his fingers over Peter’s side until Neal was completely asleep. Peter just stared at him, watching him sleep. He wrapped his arms around Neal a little tighter, sighing contentedly. “You’ll always be this close to my heart,” he whispered. Neal was breathing warm puffs of air against Peter’s chest, just over his heart. Closing his eyes, Peter kept his arms locked around his husband. He’d gotten Neal past so much and Neal went through a lot more than Nicky had. If he could help Neal and give Neal reason to live, both he and Neal—with the help of an outside counselor, hopefully—would be able to help him through all of this. The fear, anger, and pain would take time to overcome. He’d learned that with Neal, but he’d improved his tactics over the years, finding ways that helped Neal significantly. Nicky was in good hands even if Neal doubted that.

Having someone outside of their immediate family help Nicky might prove to be helpful. There was no way of knowing until they managed to get Nicky through an actual counseling session. Peter may just let Neal come along for the next one, assuming there’s going to be a next one. If Neal could make it through the session with Nicky, then Nicky might be willing to accept outside help.

In time, things would get better. He and Neal were strong despite their occasional arguments. As fathers, he and Neal could certainly provide Nicky with all of the help he’d need. He planned on doing as much as he could if not more for their son. He’d pulled Neal through the darkness and he could pull Nicky through it, too. It would just take time, patience, and all of the unconditional love they could muster.


	35. Chapter 35

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal finally allows Peter to take charge when shadows return.

“I feel like we didn’t get enough.”

Peter stared at his husband sleepily, wishing he’d just go to sleep already. He loves the man to death, but God damn. The last two and a half hours have been him stressing over whether or not they bought enough Christmas gifts for Nicky, Trent, and the twins. “Honey, we have plenty,” Peter said as he yawned. “Nick will love his stuff and we’ll take Trent’s stuff over at some point. The twins aren’t even a year old yet, so don’t worry about them.”

Neal was messing with the hem of their blanket as he laid on his back, staring up at the ceiling. “I can do more shopping tomorrow. I’m sure there are—”

“I’m going to buy you a muzzle for Christmas,” Peter muttered. Neal turned his head to look at his husband, a pained expression on his face. “Baby, it’s three in the morning. We shopped on our lunch breaks over the last week. You are way too stressed out.”

“I need to buy more snacks for _Neal’s Net._ The kids are about to finish off all of the cookies there.”

Peter sighed heavily, draping his arm over Neal’s abdomen. “I’m glad you shortened your volunteer hours,” he murmured. “I miss you when you’re gone.”

“It’s only Wednesdays, Fridays, and weekends for a couple hours.”

The older man nodded. “I like having you and Nicky here the rest of the week.” Neal began to talk about buying snacks and water for the kids he was helping and Peter was trying to be patient with him, but he was so tired. He’d dealt with Keller on his own while Neal went out to run an errand, he’d gone to a counseling session with Nicky and Neal earlier that evening, he and Neal made very passionate love when they’d gone to bed, and now it was two and a half hours following the end of that lovemaking. Peter was exhausted and Neal knew that Peter needed sleep after sex. “Baby,” he interjected. “Please go to sleep with me. I love you, but I’m really tired. Can we talk about this later?”

There was a long pause before Neal whispered, “Sure.” Peter’s eyes were closed peacefully until Neal decided to move Peter off of him, turning to lay on his side.

He opened his eyes and stared at the tattoo on his husband’s back. It was easier to focus on that than it was to focus on Neal’s scar. “Hon, did I—?”

“Good night, Peter,” Neal interrupted.

Peter felt guilty. He hadn’t meant to make Neal feel insignificant or make it seem like his thoughts were unimportant. He wanted to have this conversation with him, but he was just too tired to function and respond properly. Tentatively, he scooted closer to his husband, pressing his chest against Neal’s back. He kissed his shoulder and whispered, “I love you. Good night, darling.”

By the time morning rolled around, Peter realized he was alone in bed. Neal was nowhere in their room or bathroom. He got out of bed and wandered down the hall. One look into Nicky’s room made him curious. Nicky was still sound asleep. Usually, Neal had Nicky up by now. Part of him panicked, wondering if he’d really hurt Neal’s feelings last night. He hadn’t meant to and he sincerely hoped Neal hadn’t left him or done something to harm himself.

He moved quickly towards the stairway, only to hear Neal making quiet baby sounds downstairs in their living room. “Baba,” he said, getting Brie to mimic him. Joey sat beside him, fascinated by his daddy. Peter sat on the stairs and watched his husband. “Can you say dada?” he asked animatedly. “Say dada, Brie.” He glanced down at his son. “You can chime in at any time, kiddo.” Joey giggled leaning over to crawl on Neal’s lap. “Dada,” he repeated. Both he and Peter were stunned when both twins mimicked him. “All right. Listen up, little people,” he said quietly as he smiled at his kids. “I want to surprise your poppa. If you guys can say ‘poppa,’ he’ll be so thrilled.” He started repeating ‘poppa’ to them, trying to get them both to say it alternatively. When Brie did it, Neal’s entire demeanor changed. He was so excited. And the moment Joey said it, he was ecstatic. “Poppa’s gonna be really happy when he hears you guys at some point.”

“He already did,” Peter whispered. He didn’t understand why, but he was getting really emotional. When Neal turned to look at him, he saw the concern in Neal’s eyes. Wiping his own eyes, he stood up and descended the remaining stairs. Neal kept his eyes on Peter until Peter sat beside him. “Thank you,” he said thickly as he kissed Neal’s cheek. “That means a lot to me and I don’t know why,” he admitted as he laughed. He rubbed his face to wipe his ongoing tears away and Neal gave him a very soft smile.

Brie crawled over to Peter, pushing herself into a standing position using his leg. “I’ll be honest with you. The first time Nicky said ‘dada,’ I was the same way. I was crying and I hugged him and kissed him all over. It’s really exciting, isn’t it? Hearing them refer to you for the first time.”

Peter nodded lifting his hands for his daughter to hold onto his fingers as she stood. She bounced in front of him excitedly and Peter just smiled as he watched her. “I’m having all of the father firsts now, aren’t I?”

“You have been since Nicky,” Neal teased. “He’s older, but you got some firsts with him, too. The firsts with the twins are special because they’re so little and you’re raising them from the very beginning. All I had when I was twenty-three was Nick, so every little thing he did excited me and had me crying.” He reached over to rub Peter’s thigh as Joey drooled on him. “Look at my big teddy bear,” he said endearingly as Peter let a few more tears fall.

“I love being a father,” Peter said happily. “I can’t imagine how I would have lived happily if I didn’t have the chance to experience Nicky growing up as well as these two. Hell, they’ll be a year old soon. Where did the time go?”

Neal raised an eyebrow. “You want to talk about time slipping away in the blink of an eye? When I had Nick, I was twenty-three. I’m thirty-seven and he’s almost fifteen.” Peter smiled at him. By the time their twins were fifteen, they’d both be in their fifties. “I hate that they’re growing up,” he whispered, “because I’m getting older, too. Someday, I’m not going to be here with them anymore.”

Peter’s lips parted as he watched Neal’s eyes gloss over. “Honey, we’ll still have so much time with them. Don’t think about things like that. Enjoy the time we’re being given with them, okay?” Neal nodded and Peter carefully slipped one hand away from Brie to stroke his husband’s hair for a few moments. “Focus on what’s going on right now,” he whispered. “Don’t think about several years from now.”

Neal’s phone began to vibrate on the table directly in front of him. Curious, he grabbed it and glanced at the caller ID. His brows furrowed as he said, “Your dad is calling me.” He answered with, “Hey, dad. What’s—?”

“ _Son, are you at home right now?_ ”

“Yes,” he said, sounding confused. “Why?”

“ _Stay away from the windows and doors. Hannah and I will be coming in through your back door._ ”

He glanced at Peter. “What’s going on, dad?”

Jon said something to Hannah before responding to Neal. “ _That bastard is in town. He’s threatening you on the newscast._ ” Neal’s eyes widened and he gently shifted Joey a bit, darting over to grab the remote and turn the television on to the news station.

“ _Burkes, I’ve got my sights set on you,_ ” Craig growled on the screen. Neal’s heart was racing as he watched the monster on the television. “ _I’m going to find you, my sweet and sexy Neal. Until I do, I’m going to torture your loved ones—one by one._ ”

Neal’s hands shook and he dropped the phone, much to Jon’s absolute horror. He was afraid that Craig would find them and hurt Neal again. “Neal,” Peter said fearfully. “Honey, look at me. Don’t look at the screen.”

Craig turned the camera he was using and his mother was right there beside him, looking as though she’d been beaten. “ _I’ve got your mommy, little boy,_ ” he hissed. For as much as Neal hated and resented her, he didn’t want Craig to kill her. Unfortunately, he had no power over the situation.

“ _Neal, I know I’ve never proven this to you, but I love you, baby boy. I—_ ”

Neal screamed, “No!” as he watched Craig shoot his mother on the television. He stared at her as Craig shot her repeatedly. She was dead as soon as the first bullet hit her, but he kept going and it made Neal sick.

The camera was tilted down to show her bloody, unmoving body and Neal began to cry. He hated her for so many reasons—abandoning him, doubting him, selling his body, lying to him… He had so many reasons to hate her, but no one ever deserved this. Hating her was completely different in comparison to wanting her dead. She was, for all intents and purposes, dead to him, but he never wanted it to be quite this literal. “ _Your mother was first. We’ll have to wait and see who my next target is until you let me put a bullet in your head,_ ” he snarled. “ _I can’t wait to watch the life drain out of you as I fuck you. Your final moments will be with me inside of you._ ”

Peter was able to get into a standing position quickly enough without hurting his children to keep Neal from collapsing. “Baby,” he pleaded. “Baby, don’t listen to him.” Craig’s newscast cut to static and Neal began to hyperventilate as memories of the warehouse and the farmhouse hit him brutally and very rapidly. His body twisted in superficial pain, but his thigh felt like it was truly burning. He clutched Peter’s shirt tightly as he cried out in agony. He could feel Craig all over again and it terrified him. Watching his mother die on the television was horrifying.

A sudden banging on their back door scared the hell out of Neal. Peter watched him for a moment and Neal went to the twins immediately, scooping them up into his arms. Peter wasn’t aware of the fact that his parents were nearby and that they were coming in through the back, so he reached up onto a high shelf and grabbed his gun, loading it. He held it steadily as he moved towards the door. The banging continued until he unlocked the door and pulled it open, holding his gun firmly mere seconds later. “Peter!” Jon exclaimed, relieved. “Are you and Neal okay?”

“Yeah. He’s scared shitless.” The horror on his parents’ faces unnerved him. He gestured for them to move in. “Come in. Please.”

“Neal?” Jon called out as he stalked into the living room. “Neal, it’s dad. Where are you, son?”

Peter jogged past him, heading up the stairway. He could hear the twins giggling and it sounded like it was coming from his and Neal’s bedroom. “Poppa?” Nicky said groggily as he came out of his bedroom. “Grandma? Grandpa? What are you doing here?”

“Come along, sweetheart,” Hannah said as she guided Nicky back into his room. Jon and Peter immediately went into the master bedroom after Nicky was in his own room.

“Neal, honey,” Peter said frantically. He glanced in the direction of the bathroom, hearing the twins and what he assumed was Neal trying to hush them. “Honey, it’s Peter,” he said as he stood outside the door. “I’m going to come in. It’s just me and dad.”

He tentatively gripped the doorknob and twisted it, pushing the door open slowly. The moment the door was completely open, his heart broke. He was crowding the twins into a corner, protecting them. “Neal,” Jon said softly.

Peter knelt beside his husband, resting a hand on his back. Neal startled and backed up just enough to see his face. “Baby, it’s just me and dad. You’re okay. Mom and dad are here.” The twins kept giggling as tears slid down the sides of Neal’s face. Peter could see the trauma in his husband’s eyes, knowing that protecting his children was the first thing on Neal’s mind. Nicky’s bedroom was the furthest room from their bedroom, so Peter assumed that was why Neal hadn’t gotten him as well. “Sweetheart, everything’s okay.”

Neal kept seeing his mother’s face as she was shot to death and it made him shut his eyes tightly. Peter moved closer to him, pulling him into a firm embrace as he stared at his babies. They were so oblivious, thinking Neal was playing with them. “Nick,” he whispered hoarsely, his eyes flying open. “Where’s my baby? Where’s my Nicky?”

He looked crazed in that moment and Peter was afraid of what Neal would do to get to Nicky. Fortunately, he didn’t have to find out. “Daddy, I’m right here.” Nicky came in and Jon shifted to let Nicky walk into the bathroom. Neal looked so relieved and Nicky gave him a small smile. He had no idea what was going on, but he figured something big or terrible was happening if his grandparents were in town. They came in for holidays or when something tragic happened, so Nicky immediately thought something happened to one or both of his fathers.

They managed to move into the master bedroom and out of the bathroom, but that was as far as they got. Neal collapsed onto the bed, breathing shakily even as Peter curled up behind him and kissed his shoulder. Nicky sat with Joey in his lap and Brie sat beside him while Hannah and Jon stood at the foot of the bed. “How did you know?” Peter asked gently, trying to keep his voice level to help Neal.

“He was in DC a few hours ago. I got the call from an old friend who told me he might be heading up to New York, so Hannah and I drove here as fast as we could.”

Nicky was given very brief descriptions of what was going on. He knew Neal’s mother was dead and that Craig was back. Inside, he was screaming and crying like he imagined his father was doing as well, but he was trying to mimic Peter, acting calmly to keep Neal calm. As long as there wasn’t an abrupt state of panic circling around Neal, he was able to calm down. “What the hell was he doing in DC? He knows we’re in New York.”

Jon frowned. “He was trying to look for James.” Neal stared up at Jon in horror. “He didn’t find him, Neal. James is a rogue. He’s good on his feet.” Peter rubbed Neal’s chest slowly, kissing Neal’s shoulder and neck alternatively every now and then. “Our names were hit on his search as well, so we had to leave the house. Maryann…wasn’t as lucky as we and James were.”

Nicky reached over to take his father’s hand in his, holding onto it tightly. He was trying his best to keep himself under control. With all that he’s done recently, he was afraid that he’d hurt his fathers either physically or emotionally again. Every time Neal looked at him, Nick knew Neal was blaming himself and he didn’t want his daddy to do that anymore, so he decided he would try to work harder for him. “She’s dead,” Neal whispered.

Peter hugged Neal from behind, closing his eyes. “Yes,” he admitted. “She is.” There was no point in telling Neal everything was fine. He’d watched Craig kill his mother live on television. Peter imagined how it would feel to watch his own mother die right before his eyes on a screen. He’d feel so helpless. The relationship he and his mother had was different than the relationship between Neal’s mother and Neal. Neal hated Maryann, but Peter could see that there must have been some very miniscule part of Neal that still _kind of_ loved and cared about her.

Neal swallowed hard and gasped quietly. “Can Peter and I have a minute?” he asked thickly.

“Of course, sweetheart,” Hannah said immediately. She gathered Brie in her arms and Nicky put up no resistance as Jon picked Joey up. He tried to take Nicky’s hand, but Nicky didn’t want to leave.

Peter didn’t know how to tell his son to leave. He felt like that was too cruel to do when Nicky and Neal were so attached to each other. Nicky feels the way his father does and they both feel it very strongly. “Nicky, go with grandma and grandpa for a few minutes, please,” Neal whispered. “We’ll be right down in a minute or two. I promise.” Nicky looked doubtful and saddened. “I just need to talk to poppa,” he said as he began to cry again.

Nicky leaned forward and kissed Neal’s forehead, whispering, “Hold me when you come downstairs, daddy.” Neal nodded staring up at his son.

The moment the two men were left alone, Peter kissed his husband gently. “My mother’s dead,” he whispered, “and I had to watch it happen.” He rolled over and pushed himself up into a sitting position, watching Peter sit up as well. “I hate her and I wanted her to go to hell,” he said bitterly, “but I never wanted to end her life. I never wanted her to die before she had to. This wasn’t justified. This was murder.”

“We’ll bring him down before anyone else gets hurt,” Peter promised. “James is only God knows where and my parents are here.” His eyes widened and Neal gave him a puzzled look. Peter lurched towards his nightstand, grabbing his phone. He was about to call Michael, but Michael had already texted him, telling him that he, Mozzie, Mel, and June were getting out of the Ellington residence until this all blew over. Diana also texted him to tell him that she, Elizabeth, and Elsa were going to a safe house and she hoped that Peter would do the same with his family. “Okay. Everyone we love that has an immediate connection to us in some familial fashion is safe.” He searched his husband’s eyes as he shifted into a sitting position again. “Are you opposed to staying in a safe house with me?”

Neal shook his head. “I don’t want anyone to get hurt—including myself. I’ll do anything _you_ tell me to do,” he whispered.

“We need to pack the essentials and leave soon, honey. My parents left their luggage outside. You and I have two cars we can use to transport things.”

The two men called Nicky back upstairs and told him to pack anything that was important to him and he told them that Trent texted him, asking if he should leave his own house. “Yes. Tell Trent, his mother, and his stepfather to pack anything they need or want. Poppa has a safe house they can use that’ll be close to ours.”

Nicky nodded and ran down the hallway to pack. He had a few boxes left over from their last move into their house, so he just reused them. Peter was packing his and Neal’s clothing into a single box. They really didn’t have much because they shared almost all of their clothing. Peter couldn’t fit into some of Neal’s things, but Neal frequently wore Peter’s clothing. It was easy to pack for them and he made sure he grabbed any important documents and pictures in their room. He wanted his pictures from his wedding and anything related to his family to be packed and taken. They were precious to him.

Neal was packing two boxes for the twins. He stripped their beds and packed their blankets, pillows, and stuffed animals. Their clothes and diapers were put into a single box as well and he had enough room to toss in any other toys he wanted them to have.

Peter had tossed three boxes downstairs, asking his parents to put their laptops, documents, pictures, and the twins’ bottles and food into them. It only took them about ten minutes to get packed up and they were all shoving things into the cars quickly. The boxes for their clothing went into the Taurus’ trunk and whatever else could fit went into the backseat of the Taurus. Neal was taking the twins and he assumed Peter would take Nicky, but Nicky began to have an anxiety attack at the thought of leaving his father during all of this, so Peter and Neal compromised. Peter would drive the Corvette with the twins in the backseat while Neal drove the Taurus with Nicky as shotgun.

All three cars were mobile within minutes and Peter was leading the small group. Peter was on speaker with Neal, having set his phone down in the seat beside him after calling the Taurus. “How are you holding up, lover?”

“ _I’m okay. Just following you, Superman._ ”

Peter smiled. If Neal could call him that, then everything would be okay. “Okay, baby. You know where to go, right?” Neal made a sound akin to yes. “I want you to drive there, leading mom and dad. Have Nicky text—”

“ _He’s already texting mom._ ”

Laughing lightly, he glanced at his rearview mirror to see Neal glancing over at Nicky while they were at a stoplight. “Okay. Lead them out there, honey. I’m going to get Trent and his mother so I can show them where to go. I’m not going to disconnect our call and I’ll have Trent text Nicky if there’s anything going on.”

“ _Okay, poppa,_ ” Nicky said softly. “ _Grandma told me to tell you to be safe._ ”

“I will be. Don’t you worry, buddy. I’m going to meet you all there very soon. Daddy will get you all out there safely.”

Nicky spoke to Neal for a few moments about what they were going to do about work and school. Neal reassured him that they’d make a phone call to the school about both Nicky and Trent and Peter was quick to tell both Nicky and Neal that work wouldn’t be an issue once he spoke to Reese—assuming the older man didn’t know what was going on just yet. “ _Peter, I love you so damn much,_ ” Neal said, sounding emotional as Peter’s turning signal flipped on. This would be where they split up for a little while.

He whispered, “I love you, too, baby. I’ll be with you soon enough. I promise.”

“ _I trust you. Please be careful on your way out._ ”

“I will be, honey. I have Trent, his mom, and our babies to take into consideration.”

Neal was quiet before he firmly said, “ _Take your life into consideration, too, damn it. I can’t live without you._ ”

Peter hushed him gently. “I will. I will,” he promised. He turned and glanced back in his rearview mirror as he watched Neal drive on with Jon and Hannah following him. Peter quietly sang a song to Neal that he knew Neal would appreciate. He sang _You’re the Inspiration_ by Chicago and grinned when Neal sang along with him. It soothed the twins and Neal simultaneously and he was glad he could do that without being close to Neal. He’d prefer to hold his husband and sing to him while kissing him, but he knew this worked just as well. “Baby, I’m pulling up at Trent’s house. They’re in the car already.” He made a waving gesture and Trent’s mom waved at him. “Tell them to follow me closely, Nicky.” As soon as Nicky told him Trent confirmed the text message, they were on their way.

•◊•

“He should have been here by now,” Neal said nervously as he paced the room. It was a very small area that just barely fit all of them. Peter and Neal would share a bed, as would Jon and Hannah, and Nicky volunteered to share his bed with the twins if they weren’t going to be put on the couch by themselves.

“He’ll be here, son.”

Neal stared at the door as he paced, waiting for his husband anxiously. He was not only worried about his husband, but he was worried about his husband _and_ their babies. He begged God to keep them safe repeatedly, adding prayers on occasion just to reinforce his begging.

The moment the door began to unlock. He stopped pacing. Peter came in holding the twins and Neal was instantly relieved, darting over to them. He pulled Peter into a tight hug, hugging their twins as well. “Thank God you’re safe,” he whispered when Peter kissed his hair.

They all settled in after unpacking the Corvette. Peter parked the Corvette with the Taurus and his parents’ Mercedes a little ways into the woods nearby. If their cars weren’t in the driveway, it didn’t look like anyone was actually there.

Neal made lunch and dinner for all of them and he’d spoken with Trent’s mom over the phone to help her find things around their safe house so she was able to provide for her family as well.

When the night finally came, Peter and Neal clung to each other tightly. Snow was falling outside and the wind was bitter. “Hey,” Peter whispered. Neal looked at his face in the dim moonlight. “I love you so much.”

“I love you, too,” Neal said just as quietly. They’d waited for everyone else to go to sleep before deciding to talk. “We’ll be home for Christmas, right? I mean, we didn’t pack…”

Peter kissed him. “We’ll be home,” he promised. “This is only temporary, baby.” He figured that he’d go back home and get their children’s presents if they couldn’t actually be home to celebrate Christmas if it came to that, but they had a couple weeks to go yet, so he was hoping they’d be home. “Do you want to talk, hon? I’ve kind of been an ass to you lately.”

Neal sighed. “You were tired. I wasn’t mad, Peter,” he whispered. “Well, not at you. I was mad at myself because I felt really selfish for talking nonstop when you wanted to go to sleep.”

“You’re my husband,” Peter said. “Your thoughts are important to me, honey. I wasn’t trying to undermine them or you.”

“I know that,” Neal said softly.

The two talked quietly a little while longer before doing something particularly risky and perhaps a little unnecessary considering their situation. Peter pulled Neal on top of him and, beneath the blanket, they slid Neal’s lingerie and sleep pants down until they were off. Peter’s pants and boxers took a little more effort, but they came off, too. They hadn’t brought any lube with them because that hadn’t been one of their biggest concerns at the time, but they could improvise.

Peter spat on his fingers repeatedly to make sure he could make this as comfortable as possible for his husband. Neal was taking care of Peter’s cock while Peter slicked Neal up. It took a little longer than usual, but they managed. “You’re sure you want to do this?”

“Seriously?” Neal whispered, sounding incredulous. “We just—”

“Okay, okay,” Peter whispered. “Top or bottom?”

“I can do top since I’m already here.”

Peter nodded and held Neal’s hips as Neal slid down onto his length. They both had to keep themselves quiet so as not to wake anyone else up, so their noises were kept to a minimum. Peter pulled the blanket up to rest it about halfway up Neal’s back and he let Neal take as long as he needed to adjust since they hadn’t really tried it this way before. Peter was so afraid that he’d hurt Neal because he hadn’t lubricated him enough, but Neal didn’t say anything as Peter began to thrust up into him.

Neal’s hands were on either side of his husband’s head and he was holding himself up just enough so that Peter could move. It was what Peter wanted. “Hon,” Peter whispered when he looked at his husband’s face and realized Neal was crying. Neal just shook his head and exhaled heavily, opening his eyes. “Hey. What’s wrong?” he asked quietly, stilling himself. He slid his hands up Neal’s arms until he was able to rest his hands on Neal’s neck.

“Nothing,” Neal whispered. “I just really needed this.” Peter gave him a confused look. “With the way I’ve felt today, I needed _you._ ”

Peter understood. He reached up further to wipe Neal’s tears away. “I love you. Even if everything around you goes to hell, I love you with all of my heart and soul.” Neal nodded, giving his husband a small smile. “Come here, honey,” he whispered. Neal laid down on him as he would if they were going to sleep together like this. Peter wrapped his arms around Neal, stroking his hair and back. He didn’t move elsewhere because he wanted to soothe his husband without sex being a factor. “We’re all going to be okay,” he promised. “Thank you for taking safety precautions.”

Neal laughed miserably. “I can’t bear the thought of anyone else being hurt,” he said thickly. “What I’ve done to you and Nicky is hard enough for me to live with. I can’t let him hurt mom and dad, the twins, or the others.” Tears slid down the side of his face, dripping onto Peter’s bare chest slowly. Neal breathed shakily and kissed Peter’s collarbone. “I don’t want to hurt us more than I already have.”

“You haven’t hurt anyone,” Peter said softly. “Neal, you’re innocent in all of this. All you’ve ever done is try to protect others. I love the man you are and I’ve told you that I and Nicky will never forget what you put yourself through to keep us safe.” His left hand slid underneath the blanket and he rubbed over Neal’s hip, subsequently rubbing his thigh. It was the first time in a while that he’d touched Neal’s right thigh. “You’re beautiful,” he whispered sincerely. “I’m lucky to have fallen in love with a man like you.” The younger man shut his eyes tightly and cried quietly against Peter’s chest. Peter understood entirely why this was upsetting his husband. All of this started because Neal was trying to protect his mother from Adler. Now his mother was dead, as was Adler. Until Craig was dead, no one could rest easy. “We’re going to get through this, baby. I promise. I’ll give my life before I give him the chance to rape you again,” he said fiercely.

Neal nodded and Peter kissed his forehead. “I don’t want to go through it a fourth time,” Neal said brokenly. “I’ve come pretty close to ending my life and I don’t want to hurt you or our babies. I don’t want to be selfish, but I don’t want to live with this either.” Peter rested his cheek against Neal’s head, closing his eyes as he listened to the saddened whispers of his lover. “I’m begging you to save me this time,” he said, sounding like he would fall to pieces at any given moment.

Peter hushed him gently, rubbing Neal’s skin slowly. “I’ll protect you. No one is going to get hurt—especially not you.” Neal lifted his head and stared directly into Peter’s eyes. “I love you and I will do everything I can for you—for our family.”

“I know you will,” Neal whispered, smiling faintly. “That’s why you’re my Superman.” He gently urged Peter to make love to him once again and Peter hesitated, but eventually caved in. He held Neal against him, thrusting up into him. Neal gasped quietly near Peter’s ear, but Peter was impressed by how quiet Neal was. In their early sessions of lovemaking, Neal had been very loud. Over time, he’d learned to quiet himself down. This was nothing short of impressive in Peter’s opinion. “I-I’m gonna—” He bit his lip and Peter knew Neal was almost ready to come undone.

“Come, baby,” he whispered. He guided Neal’s lips towards his own, pressing gentle kisses against his lover. He could feel the tension in Neal’s body building up until he finally came in a rush, gasping into Peter’s mouth. Peter reached down to stroke him until he was finished before their lips parted. He stared up at his husband, loving the look he was being given. “How do you feel now?”

Neal laughed lightly. “Good, but I’ll feel better when _you_ finish,” he whispered. Peter smiled at him. “How close?”

“Few more thrusts ought to do it.” Neal nodded, lifting himself up just enough for Peter to begin thrusting again. True to form, Peter came after an additional few thrusts. He watched his husband’s face, seeing the ecstasy in his expression. “You’re such a beautiful man.”

“As are you,” Neal said without skipping a beat. He carded his fingers through Peter’s hair slowly, keeping his gaze locked onto Peter’s. “Peter, can I ask you something?” Peter nodded, rubbing his husband’s chest. “You promise you’ll protect me from Craig? From being…raped again?”

Peter kissed him. “I promise, sweetheart. I’m not going to allow you to suffer that way again,” he whispered. “No matter what happens, I refuse to let that happen to you.” Neal nodded and laid his head down on Peter’s shoulder. “I need to keep my angel safe,” he said softly.

“I love you, Peter,” Neal said thickly, nuzzling the side of his face against Peter’s chest.

The older man smiled. “I love you, too, Neal.” He rested his left hand on Neal’s lower back, sliding his right hand up and down the warm length of skin. “Get some sleep, honey,” he whispered, kissing Neal’s hair. He wanted to tell Neal not to worry, but he couldn’t bring himself to do that to his husband. After promising Neal that he’d never be raped again, Craig and Adler had gotten to him. Peter didn’t want to tell him nothing would happen this time because he was so afraid that Craig would come very close to taking his husband, his best friend—his soulmate. He’d give everything to keep the beautiful man safe. Anything and everything he had.


	36. Chapter 36

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal and Peter appreciate what they have together.

The following morning, Jon woke up when he heard Neal speaking softly to the twins across the room on the couch as he fed them. He was telling them a little story and Jon realized it was a story very close to how Neal and Peter met. Things were left out or beautified since he was talking to his babies, but it was still his and Peter’s story nonetheless. He was a bit out of it as he listened to the young man, but he sat up and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. Sliding out of bed, he wandered over to his son and grandchildren, smiling when Neal smiled at him. “Morning, dad.”

“Good morning, Neal,” Jon said quietly as he took a seat beside the twins. Neal’s cheeks were flushed as he continued the story for his babies. All of the horrible things that happened over the years had been edited out and it sounded like a truly beautiful, slightly fictionalized story. “How’d you sleep?” Jon asked once Neal was finished with his story.

“Pretty good. Peter kept me warm and close,” he whispered.

Jon smiled wryly to himself. “Close indeed,” he murmured. Neal looked at him, puzzled. He didn’t know what Jon was hinting at until moments before Jon explained. “You two are very adventurous,” he teased. “I never took you two to be the kinky type—doing it with others present in the room.”

Neal’s cheeks were a bright shade of red as he averted his eyes from Jon’s gaze. “I, uh… We…”

“I know you tried to be quiet, son,” he began, “but the squeaky bedsprings and, bluntly speaking, your sounds made it _kind of_ obvious.”

“I don’t know what to say,” he whispered, looking mortified. He and Peter had sex with Mozzie or Michael sleeping in the same room before, but those two never heard them—or at least they never made it obvious that they knew what Peter and Neal had been doing if they’d been awake for it. Jon didn’t feel the need to hold back and he loved teasing Neal.

Jon reached over at patted Neal’s cheek gently. “I’d really rather not hear my son having sex with his wonderful husband, but the most reassuring part about hearing it by accident is that I could tell you two weren’t just having sex to have it.”

“Dad, are you talking to _my husband_ about sex?” Peter asked as he pushed himself up. “Neal, you can tell him to go away, you know.” Jon chuckled, shaking his head as he rested his hand on Joey’s back, rubbing him gently. “I swear you’re just as bad as Nick,” Peter muttered as he slipped his underwear back on underneath the blanket.

“Because that wasn’t obvious,” Neal said sarcastically as he watched Peter. “Love, be a little more discrete when you’re trying to get dressed…”

Peter rolled his eyes. “He knows we did it anyway.” He slid out of bed with only his boxers on prior to pulling his sleep pants on and crossed the room, stopping in front of Neal to lean down and kiss him gently. “And yes, I do love my husband in and out of bed, dad,” he muttered. “I don’t listen to you and mom, so try not to listen to me and my Neal.”

Jon raised an eyebrow at his son. “You wouldn’t know if mom and I were doing it even if we were all sharing the same bed. That’s how skilled we’ve gotten.”

“Oh, for the love of God,” Neal moaned. “Peter and I had sex last night and you and mom probably did at some point, too. Can we please talk about something other than sex?”

Peter sat on the floor, rubbing Neal’s lower right leg. “What would you like to talk about, baby?”

Jon smirked. “How was Peter?” Neal stared at him with wide eyes. Peter glared at his father and even went so far as to smack his father’s leg. “Hey. I’m asking out of morbid curiosity.”

“Ew,” Peter muttered. “Neal, don’t answer that.”

Neal rolled his eyes, glancing down at the twins. “Poppa and grandpa are disgusting in the morning,” he murmured.

“Says the man who had sex with several others present in the room,” Jon teased. Peter watched his husband’s face heat up before smacking his dad’s leg harder. “All right, all right. I’ll knock it off, Peter.”

“Thank you,” Peter said, heaving a sigh moments later. He glanced up at his husband, taking Neal’s right hand in his. “How’re you feeling, honey?”

Neal gave him a small, yet meaningful, smile. “Better than I did yesterday, honestly.” He reached out to stroke the side of Peter’s face lightly, feeling as though a feather briefly whisked across Peter’s skin. “Thank you for helping me, Peter. I really appreciate that you’re always here for me.”

Jon said nothing as he watched the two men exchange small looks. He’d learned a few of their telling looks and knew what some of them meant right off the bat because he and Hannah liked to speak silently with others around as well. Neal and Peter were able to tell each other how deeply they loved the other without speaking a word.

Peter stroked Neal’s lower right leg slowly as he kept his eyes on the younger man. Their gaze was so focused and intense that they both startled when they look away from each other. Peter could always lose himself in Neal’s eyes. It was one of the things he loved about Neal’s appearance—beautiful blue eyes. Neal loved making eye contact with his husband and he adored the chocolate color. “You look beautiful,” Peter whispered. Neal blushed, giving his husband a small smile. Neal had seen himself in the bathroom mirror not too long ago and he knew he looked like a mess. He hadn’t been getting a whole hell of a lot of sleep lately and he’d also made love with Peter last night, so his hair was undoubtedly disheveled.

“As always, you’re extremely handsome,” Neal replied just as quietly. Jon watched them and his heart swelled with pride and love. He was proud of both men for being able to live their lives ‘out of the closet’ as some people put it, but he was proud of them for sticking with each other through everything that could have gone wrong as well as what had gone wrong. He was proud of Peter for devoting his heart and life to Neal. Neal deserved someone who could treat him right and Jon was thankful that Peter was the one Neal wanted. He loves Neal as much as he loves his Peter.

Joey grabbed Neal’s hand and Neal immediately looked down at his son. He started going on a major baby-tirade and Neal looked amused more than anything. “Whoa, little guy,” Peter said as he reached over to poke Joey’s stomach. “Don’t talk to daddy like that,” he teased.

Neal chuckled. “I think he was upset that I wasn’t paying attention to him anymore.” Brie was perfectly fine with entertaining herself, but Joey wanted his father’s attention. Neal glanced at Peter and began to say, “How long do you think we’ll—?” moments before Joey started up his tirade again, hitting Neal’s leg a few times. Neal’s brows furrowed as he looked at his son again. “What is it, kiddo?” He pulled Joey closer and looked at him intently, trying to figure out if something were wrong. Joey started crying and moving his arms quickly and Neal had no idea what was wrong.

Peter’s brows were furrowed as well. If Neal didn’t know what was going on, he had no way of knowing either. “Neal, how often are you with Joey?”

“A lot. I’ve been playing with him more and trying to get him to—” It suddenly dawned on him. “Do you think he’s too attached to me?”

“Pass him to Peter and see what he does.” Neal met Peter’s eyes and he frowned. He didn’t want to do that to Peter. If Joey were attached to him, that would make two of their children reliant on Neal. Neal wanted them to rely on Peter, too. He didn’t want Peter’s feelings to be hurt. “Peter was firmly attached to his mother when he was around this age. It’s quite possible that Joey may be going through that, too.”

Peter held his arms out a bit and Neal lifted Joey, shifting to give him to Peter—only to have Joey wail. Peter retracted his hands and Neal wanted to give Joey to him, but he could see that Peter was hurt already. He set Joey in his lap and Joey immediately calmed down. “I don’t understand. He’s played with Peter before. Hell, he played with Peter more than he played with me.”

Neal’s eyes stayed on Peter as he watched Peter’s entire demeanor change. “I’ve always told you that you’re a better father,” he whispered as he pushed himself up.

“Peter, don’t—” Peter walked away from him, heading into the bathroom. He closed the door, leaving Neal and Jon to gape at it. “Dad—”

“Go ahead, son,” Jon said. He eased Joey out of Neal’s arms and was surprised that Joey wasn’t crying when Neal got up from the couch.

He knocked on the door and quietly said, “Peter, it’s me. Can I come in?”

“It isn’t locked,” Peter muttered.

Neal opened the door and went in, shutting it behind him. His husband was sitting atop the toilet, arched over with his forehead in his hands. “Peter,” he whispered.

Peter shrugged as he sat up and inhaled sharply. “This is why you’re the daddy and I’m not.”

“Don’t do this,” he whispered. He neared his husband and immediately dropped to his knees in front of him. Resting his hands on Peter’s thighs, he pleaded, “Don’t say these things, love.” Peter couldn’t even meet Neal’s eyes. He was really upset, but he was trying to pretend he was fine. “Hey,” he whispered. “Look at me.” He reached up and gently grabbed Peter’s chin, guiding his face until their eyes finally met. “Peter, I’m not a better father. You’re just as good as I am.”

“Then why are they attached to you? Why do they cry when they’re with me?”

“Nick loves you just as much as he loves me, Peter Michael. Joey’s a baby. He’ll grow out of this—Brie loves you.”

“Brie doesn’t care. She’s indifferent to us both.” He grabbed Neal’s hand and jerked it away from his face. “I’ll just have to deal with the fact that our sons love you more.”

Neal blinked back tears. “That’s not true. You’re their poppa.” Peter didn’t answer him and he sighed heavily, grabbing Peter’s hands. “Nicky went to you for a lot of things. He didn’t wake me up in the middle of the night. He woke you up and you put him back into bed after he talked to you. Doesn’t that prove that he loves you?” Peter was still silent. “Joey’s a _baby._ Peter, he’ll be just as attached to you in no time at all. He’ll—”

“Just stop,” Peter said angrily. “Accept the fact that you’re better and more lovable than I am.”

The younger man shook his head vehemently. “You’re my big teddy,” he said. “You’re the most lovable man I’ve ever met.” Peter scoffed at him. “Damn it, Peter. You know you’re a wonderful father. If you weren’t, would my son have called you his poppa? Would he want to play baseball with you? Would he want to spend a lot of time with you? You have to be a damn good father to earn his love and respect since you weren’t with us for his first few years.” He reached up to card his fingers through Peter’s hair. “You’re an amazing man. There’s no one else I’d want to be my babies’ poppa.”

Peter didn’t say anything to that and it pissed Neal off. It pissed him off because Peter spent so much time telling him that he’s a good father after he spent so much time denying it. The moment Neal finally begins to accept that he’s a good father, Peter falls to the other end of the spectrum. He gave Peter almost two whole minutes of pure silence before giving up. He sighed heavily, pushed himself up, and left the bathroom. He loves his husband, but the man was stubborn and upset, so he wouldn’t listen.

“How’d it go?” Jon asked tentatively when Neal returned to the couch.

“We probably won’t be talking anytime soon,” Neal muttered as he sat beside his daughter, watching her play with a pacifier. Jon gave him a concerned look that Neal almost missed. “He won’t listen to me and he barely said anything.”

Jon nodded and let it go at that.

It would be almost two hours following the short-lived conversation before Peter finally emerged from the bathroom. By that point, Neal himself was upset and he wasn’t being very sociable. He was reading a book to Joey and Brie while Nicky and Jon talked about baseball. Peter glanced at his father and son, seeing how Nicky loved his grandfather. If Nicky could love Peter’s father, who was in no way at all related to him by blood, then Peter told himself he needed to accept that Neal was right—that Nicky could love him. “Hi, poppa,” Nicky said softly, smiling a little at his father.

“Hey, kiddo,” he whispered. His gaze drifted towards his husband and their twins. Part of him wished Neal would look up from the book and smile at him, but he didn’t seem like he was going to do that anytime soon. Peter knew he pissed Neal off and he felt bad about that, so he’d decided to finally come back after wallowing for no reason at all. He knew his three babies love him. Even if none of them are his biologically, he knows they love him. And Neal was also right in saying that Joey’s just a baby. He would eventually grow to love Peter just the same. He realized that Neal had more experience with babies and he had a perfectly maternal side to him, so he was very nurturing. Peter just had to be patient—and he would learn from Neal rather than pitying himself and doubting his ability to father his three children they’re raising together. “Is daddy mad?” he asked, keeping his voice very quiet.

Nicky glanced at Neal before shrugging. “He seemed okay when I woke up. He’s been reading to them for, like, an hour now.”

Peter nodded. “Do you think he’ll talk to me?”

Even after almost six years together, Peter felt really uncertain when he wanted to make amends with Neal. Nicky and Neal are so much alike and Nicky knew Neal’s mannerisms. He was reminded of their trek up to his parents’ house. When they’d stopped for food, Neal hadn’t been in the best mood and Nicky advised him, telling him how to make Neal a little happier because he’d done it. Taking the trays from Neal and hugging him subsequently worked that day, so he referred to Nicky. “Maybe,” Nicky said quietly. He was analyzing his father and then he glanced up at his poppa. “He’s a little mad, I guess, but you guys always make up.”

“I’ll see if I can keep my track record consistent.” He met his father’s eyes, seeing the warning there. Jon didn’t want Peter and Neal to fight, so he was warning his son that Neal was in that kind of mood. He nodded before turning, heading over to the bed he and Neal had shared last night. He tentatively sat on the edge of the bed, meeting Neal’s eyes when the younger man finally looked at him. He could see the tension in Neal’s shoulders and a fire burning in Neal’s eyes. Neal didn’t want to fight, but he was upset. “Hey, hon,” Peter whispered.

“Hi,” Neal said quietly.

Peter bit his lip, shifting further onto the bed so he could sit beside his husband. He leaned closer and kissed him gently, apologetically. “I’m sorry, Neal,” he said softly. “I shouldn’t have acted the way I was acting. You were right.”

Neal shrugged. “Nothing I say helps.”

“Honey, I was being a—” He almost slipped up and said a word Neal probably would’ve smacked him for saying in front of the babies. “—male genitalia.”

“Wow,” Neal said sarcastically. He shook his head and leaned over to kiss Peter himself. “We’re fine.”

Peter rested his left hand on Neal’s lower back. “I love you, Neal, and I know our babies love us.”

Joey made a very loud giggling sound, getting excited. He laid on the bed and crawled over to Peter, keeping one hand on Peter’s leg. His other hand was in his mouth and he was watching Neal. “The four of us love you dearly,” Neal whispered. “You’re family— _we’re_ family.”

Peter smiled at his husband appreciatively, loving him for being as forgiving as he is.

The two of them spent time with the twins while Jon and Hannah kept Nicky entertained. Brie wanted to walk and she, after Neal stood her up, was actually doing really well on her own. Joey was anxious when he watched his sister and he threw a fit until Neal picked him up. “Come here, baby girl,” Peter encouraged as Brie neared him. He and Neal were both proud of their daughter for making a tremendous amount of progress. Not to say that they weren’t proud of Joey. He was just a little delayed due to his laziness. Peter grinned from ear to ear as Brie fell into his arms with a huge smile on her face, giggling. “That’s my girl,” he said endearingly as he helped her stand. “You’re going to be following daddy all over the place pretty soon.”

Neal groaned. “I’ve learned—and I refuse to take children with the ability to walk under the age of three to the store.” Peter raised an eyebrow. Neal turned and smiled wryly at his oldest son. “My little brat over there _loved_ to run off on me, giggling all the while.” He shook his head, sighing. “Scared the crap out of me a _lot._ At least you were consistent, brat. You always ran to the play area.”

Nicky giggled. “Love you, daddy.”

“Love you, too, my little guy who’s not so little anymore.”

Joey bounced in front of Neal excitedly, trying to turn towards Peter. Neal refocused on the baby he was holding and turned him around. “He’s already trying to run off,” Peter said, amused. Joey wobbled before trying to dart towards Peter. Neal leapt to catch him, but he’d gotten close enough to Peter for Peter to catch him. “Just as eager to please as your daddy,” he teased. Neal gave his husband a look that only Peter would understand. It was one of the more sexually charged expressions they shared and it turned Peter on a great deal. Neal, despite the tension and mood from earlier, was teasing Peter with the idea of going down on him. It was a little hard to do that with everyone sharing one room though.

“Down, tigers,” Jon warned, chuckling to himself as he watched his sons. He couldn’t see Neal’s face, but he knew his Peter. Peter wasn’t very subtle when it came to his arousal.

Neal laughed lightly, shaking his head. He got onto his knees and moved towards Peter, kissing him. Both Brie and Joey were slobbering all over themselves. Joey managed to grab the hem of Neal’s shirt, holding onto it since Neal wasn’t moving.

A short while later, Neal and Peter sat on the floor in front of the television. They had the volume turned down since they were the only ones awake after getting the twins to bed. Peter’s arm was around Neal’s shoulders and Neal’s head rested on Peter’s shoulder. The news station was on and they watched the news anchor report Neal’s mother’s death. They even replayed part of Craig’s broadcast, which hurt Neal. He latched onto his husband, needing Peter more than ever. Despite hating his mother, this hit him really hard. He hated her, but he wasn’t bitter enough to wish that she was murdered.

Reese came onto the screen and was asked several questions by several people outside of the FBI building. He simply responded with, “ _I cannot comment on the Burkes’ whereabouts. I’ve been in touch with them and they’re all safe. I’d like it if they stayed safe._ ”

“ _What caused all of this? Who is Neal Burke and why did he want to get to Neal?_ ”

Peter squeezed Neal’s shoulder, knowing full well that Reese would never answer any of these questions. “ _I cannot comment on the Burkes’ personal lives._ ” He brushed off the reporters and they followed him all the way to his car. They pestered him enough to make him stop, turn around, and glare at them all in that way that sent shivers down one’s spine if they met his gaze directly. “ _The Burke family is like my family. I refuse to comment further on their situation. It’s neither my nor your business. All I will say is that they’re safe._ ”

“ _Is this Neal Burke the same Neal who went to court against his stepfather a few years ago? If so, does that trial have anything to do with the man threatening him now?_ ” A woman kept unleashing question after question upon Reese, frustrating the older man.

“ _The Burkes are my top agents as well as my closest family and I’m protecting them. Imagine yourself in my position. Would you want to tell the press about your friends’ or family’s life? I highly doubt that._ ” Peter kissed Neal’s temple, holding him close. “ _I’m going to be blunt and tell you all to—off._ ” Peter cracked a smile when they censored his oldest friend. “ _Until they’re safe, no details will be given. Even after they’re safe, it’s their choice as to whether or not they speak to you people. They don’t give a damn about the media, so you’re better off finding another story to report._ ”

And with that, Reese slid into his car, locking the doors immediately. “Wow,” Neal whispered as Reese drove off. “That’s really amazing.”

Peter nodded slowly, keeping his eyes on his husband. “Reese treats us like family. He wouldn’t give out any details even if he didn’t think of us like that. He respects me—and that respect extends to you since you’re my partner and my _partner._ ”

Neal looked up at the older man, searching Peter’s eyes. “If you could imagine what he’s doing right now, what would you tell yourself he’s doing?”

Without having to ask who Neal was referring to, he answered, “He’s probably going out of his mind trying to track down our family and close friends. My parents and our children are here with us—safe. Trent, his mother, and his stepfather are safe elsewhere. El, Elsa, and Di are safe. Mozzie texted me to tell me he, Mike, Mel, and June are okay.” He rested his forehead against Neal’s, sighing. “Trent and Nicky are constantly texting, so Trent will let us know if there’s something strange going on. As for the girls, I’m fairly certain we don’t need to worry. Diana will kick some major ass before she lets anyone mess with her daughter and wife.”

Peter watched Neal nod, knowing Neal wanted to get something off of his chest. He gave Neal as much time as he needed to think his thought through before saying anything and it seemed to have helped. “You promised you’d protect me,” he whispered. “What will you do if he takes me?”

“I’m not planning on leaving your side, gorgeous. I’m not going to give him the opportunity to take you from me.” He kissed Neal and squeezed his arm gently. “I’ve almost lost you too many times and I’m not willing to give you up any time soon, honey.”

Neal cracked a smile. “Thank you.”

To an extent, Peter understood the sense of security he was instilling into his husband by making his promise—by vowing that he wouldn’t allow Neal to experience torture for a fourth time. He’d give his life to take Craig’s if it meant he protected Neal and saved him from ever having to endure rape ever again. “You’re my husband, my soulmate,” Peter whispered. “I give my all to you. I’d give my life for you. I’d do _anything_ for you—to keep you safe, my sweetheart. I don’t… I don’t want to know how it feels to live in a world where you no longer exist.”

“I won’t commit suicide,” Neal whispered. Peter was still occasionally afraid that Neal would end up killing himself even after making his promises that he’d never try to take his life again. He told Peter he didn’t want to be selfish and he didn’t want to subject his husband or their children to that kind of selfishness and neglect. He didn’t want to lose himself to the point where he was abandoning his family due to his own personal suffering. Neal was still learning from Peter that his life is worth living, that he is truly loved for who he is, and that his family is his biggest rock—his biggest foundation. “Living with you and our babies makes me happy,” he said softly. “Making love with you, kissing you, watching you smile at me… Those things, I truly value.”

Peter kissed his husband, closing his eyes as Neal closed his own. “I value you as a whole,” Peter said sincerely. “I’m not going to let anything happen to you. I’m not going to let someone take you from me—from our children.” He kissed Neal’s nose then, sighing quietly. “We’re in this together, Neal, and I don’t plan on giving you up so easily. I will fight to the bitter end to protect you and make you mine.” Neal bowed his head a bit and Peter assumed that Neal was being adorably shy—at least until Neal sniffled and his shoulders shook. “Baby, why are you crying?” he asked concernedly, lifting Neal’s chin gently. “What did I say that was wrong?”

Neal shook his head. “You didn’t say anything wrong, lover. It’s just… Any time you say something like that, I really appreciate what we have together. I really appreciate that you’re in my life and that you’re my son’s poppa—that you’re our children’s poppa. I love you for giving me a chance when you could have easily kept on working or disregarding my presence. You could have done everything so differently and I would never be able to know how it feels to have another man love me despite my flaws and in spite of my past.”

“I can’t imagine how different our lives would be right now if I’d just ignored you that day,” Peter whispered solemnly. He kept his eyes on Neal, rubbing his wedding ring over Neal’s thigh gently. “I don’t want to know how it would be if I’d stayed in my office instead of going down to the break area to help you out.”

“I don’t know if I’d be alive,” Neal admitted. “I know I wouldn’t have my wedding ring. I wouldn’t have our twins. I wouldn’t have a home to call my own.”

Their eyes met again and all Neal wanted to do was hop into bed, undress, and beg Peter to make love to him. He and Peter had a very unique relationship that he treasured. Even after almost six years together, Neal still had no idea how Peter was so willing to stay. He would never be able to understand why Peter put up with him and all of his drama. He wasn’t complaining by any means, but he didn’t understand and he couldn’t see what drew Peter in and kept Peter interested. He told himself that it was his appearance, but he shot that down almost immediately every single time because he knows his husband.

Peter isn’t a man who runs solely on vanity. Peter is, in fact, quite the opposite. He is the most humble man Neal could ever recall meeting. During their time together, Peter has been extremely supportive and he was always right there when Neal lost it for a little while. He was always right there to hold Neal, to hush him, to promise him that he was safe, and to make him feel loved and cherished. No other man made Neal feel like this and he knew no other man would ever be able to match up to what he and Peter have.

Despite all of their arguments, the awful things they’ve both said to each other, and their disagreements, they were both willing to work through things. They were both very sensitive when it came to their relationship. Neither of them wanted to let the other go because that would mean that they were giving up on each other. Peter didn’t want to give up on Neal. He knew Neal needed someone to love him honestly and he desperately wanted to be the man of Neal’s dreams. He never actually thought he’d be lucky enough to meet a man as beautiful on the inside and outside as Neal and keep him for himself.

Peter didn’t think he was that lucky. He didn’t know how he’d won Neal over, but he was forever grateful. “I wouldn’t have my angel,” Peter whispered. He pulled Neal a little closer until Neal was sitting between his legs, curled up against him. “I’m going to do everything for you and the kids, Neal. I refuse to live without you and I don’t want them to grow up without their daddy.” He caressed the side of Neal’s face, sighing quietly. “You’re so damn beautiful and I’m so damn lucky to have won your heart.”

“You could’ve won me over with a smile,” Neal said softly. “It wouldn’t have taken that much to win my heart. You are a magnificent man, fantastic father, luscious lover, and glorious god.”

“Jesus Christ,” Peter said, impressed. “I love how you just threw out a few examples of alliteration on the fly.”

Neal rolled his eyes. “And the romantic mood was just murdered.”

Peter chuckled quietly, kissing Neal’s hair. “‘My angel’ is the summation of all that you are, Neal. I have no other word or words to describe you. You’re simply angelic.”

The two sat in silence for a few moments, holding onto each other. Neal closed his eyes, enjoying Peter’s warmth. Peter’s arms were wrapped around him and he was just allowing himself to embrace and soak in all of the love emanating from Peter’s very core. He lifted his left hand and rested it over Peter’s heart, feeling it through the volcano known as Peter’s chest. “We’re going to make it through this,” he whispered, sounding confident for once.

“Yes,” Peter agreed, “we will.” He rested his hand over Neal’s, smiling. “You and I—we’re partners, friends… We’re a team. You’re my best friend and I know I can count on you to have my back as you should be able to count on me.” Neal nodded, opening his eyes to look up at Peter’s face. “You’re everything to me, Neal. Life would be meaningless if you were gone. I would continue to raise the children as you would want me to, but I wouldn’t be able to go a day without blaming myself if something happened to you and I lost you forever.”

Neal nuzzled Peter’s chest, whispering, “Don’t think about things like this. You always tell me that I shouldn’t focus on the negatives. You try to find positive aspects in situations that may seem hopeless or nearly impossible.” Peter nodded, curling his fingers around Neal’s. “I’m not leaving you or our children. I don’t plan on making an early exit. I want to spend my life with you. I want to watch our children grow up and I want to see them have families of their own. I want a lot of things, but all I want above all else is _love._

“My love has been yours since the moment I first laid eyes on you,” Peter admitted softly. “I won’t let anything happen to you, Neal. I don’t want you to suffer anymore. You’ve been through so much and I want your life to finally change—for the better.”

The younger man was silent for a few, short moments before saying, “You’ve made my life better since you came into it. Introducing yourself… That’s something I don’t think I would have been able to do on my own. I’d walk around like an awkward new employee.”

Peter snickered, whispering, “Fortunately, you don’t have to live in your awkwardness.” Neal smiled wryly up at him as Peter leaned closer to kiss him once again. He loves kissing his husband, especially after promising that he’d protect him. “I love you to death,” Peter said fiercely. “I’m going to do my damnedest to kill him before he has the opportunity to lay eyes on you and consider tormenting you.”

Neal wanted to thank Peter, but a simple ‘thank you’ just wouldn’t suffice in this case. Thanking Peter for his love, for his protection, wasn’t the same as thanking Peter for doing the dishes or helping Nicky with his homework. Peter was putting his heart and soul into this effort because it meant so much to him. In turn, that meant just as much to Neal. He knew he could trust Peter’s word. Though Peter would like to say otherwise, Peter has never lied to Neal. When Neal allows him to help, things are a hell of a lot easier for them both. Peter blamed himself for being unable to protect his husband from Adler and Laird, but Neal promised him that he would never hold that against him. “Peter Michael, you are the love of my life,” he whispered, “and I trust you with my life.”

“As I’ve told you once or twice before,” Peter said timidly, “you’ve put your life into good hands, angel.” He vowed to protect his husband. He wouldn’t leave Neal’s side once—not even for a moment. That moment could be so crucial to the point where their lives would change in ways that Peter never wanted to experience. He shuddered at the thought of those monsters ravaging his husband’s body. Seeing Neal in such a broken down and beaten state was horrifying and Neal never deserved to suffer. When Neal tilted his face towards Peter, Peter didn’t see a man whose face was bloodied and tearstained. He saw a man who looked healthy and alive—and he intended on making damn sure Neal stayed healthy and alive.


	37. Chapter 37

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter's feelings on the situation at hand and their future begin to emerge.

Neal and Peter stood in the living room of their house, staring at the utter destruction they’d walked into. Craig had definitely been in their home and he’d apparently come with the intention of killing. There were bullet holes in the walls and ceiling. They were so sporadic that it looked as though he didn’t realize they weren’t home and he was just shooting with the hopes of killing someone. “I’m so glad I listened to you,” Neal whispered, staring around the room in horror. “We could all be dead right now.”

Peter rubbed Neal’s lower back, keeping his eyes on his husband. “Until he’s found, we aren’t coming home,” Peter said quietly. They’d only gone home for their children’s Christmas presents because it was only a couple days away and they still didn’t think it was safe to take everything and everyone home. This was just further proof that their thoughts were correct.

Both men went upstairs to grab their Christmas gifts that they’d hidden. Peter had, fortunately, been proactive and put them all into trash bags after being wrapped, so it was going to be a hell of a lot easier to take everything—faster, too.

While Peter went into their bedroom to grab the two trash bags they’d filled to the brim, Neal wandered down the hallway towards the twins’ room. He touched bullet holes in the door and his lips parted. There were more holes in this door than in any other place Neal saw up to this point. He pushed the door open and went inside, looking around his children’s room. It broke his heart to see how determined Craig had been, how hellbent he’d been on killing Neal’s children. The cribs were broken and the mattresses in them looked like they’d been shot by a firing squad.

His chest felt hollow as he took in the fact that, yes, they would all be dead if they’d stayed home. In the past, he’d chosen not to run because he wanted to bring Craig and Vincent down. They hadn’t gone around killing people then, so Neal hadn’t really thought he needed to run. This time… This time, Neal realized they couldn’t just wait around. Craig murdered Maryann—his best friend’s wife. He wasn’t fucking around. “I’m assuming we’ll all need new beds,” Neal whispered, knowing his husband was standing in the doorway behind him.

“Yeah,” Peter said sadly. He was looking at the twins’ mattresses, feeling the same way Neal felt. Walking further into the room, Peter wrapped his arms around Neal’s waist. “I’m so glad my babies are all safe,” he whispered thickly.

Neal rested a hand over Peter’s, turning his head to the side to rub his cheek against his husband’s face. “They’re our priority,” Neal said. “If we hadn’t left, they would have suffered. They’d never get to live their lives.” His eyes watered as he thought about that. He could imagine Craig coming in, taking his children’s lives from them without so much as a _first_ thought. Craig didn’t care about Nicky or the twins. He’s a psychopath hellbent on raping and killing Neal. “I love them and I love you,” he whispered.

Peter kissed Neal’s cheek, whispering, “I love the four of you so much.” He squeezed Neal gently, rubbing his thumb over Neal’s stomach. “We’ll come home eventually, honey.”

“We’ll have to replace so much,” Neal said solemnly. “Everything we left behind is in ruin.”

“I don’t give a damn,” Peter said fiercely. “Furniture can be replaced. People _can’t._ ”

Neal’s eyes widened as the declaration his husband made hit him to the core. He didn’t understand. He’d been with Peter for almost six years—Nicky was almost fifteen and their twins were almost a year old—and he always had this novel feeling that Peter was an amazing man and an amazing father for putting his family above all else. Peter’s always been that man and Neal’s loved that man all this time, but he fell in love with him more and more every day, especially when he said things like that—things that told Neal he and their children mattered the most to Peter. “I’m so thankful to have you as my husband,” Neal whispered.

Peter gently urged Neal to turn in his arms until they were face to face and chest to chest. “Even though our lives are being threatened by a psychopath, I’m thankful to be with you and our babies.” He kissed Neal gently, resting his forehead against Neal’s. “This, like everything else, will pass. We will end him this time, Neal. I promise you that. I will not let him get away with everything he’s done to you—to you and Nick.”

“He’s hurt you, too,” Neal whispered. “By hurting me and Nicky, he’s also hurt you because you’ve been here for us.” Peter shook his head, pecking Neal’s lips slowly. “You try so hard to be so strong all the time,” Neal said softly, closing his eyes, “but you need to learn that you’re as human as I am. You’re allowed to break down and cry your eyes out. You’re allowed to feel vulnerable and helpless.” He sighed quietly, opening his eyes to meet Peter’s. “You can be yourself with me. I don’t need you to put up a strong front around me. You can admit that you’ve been hurt and we can get through this together.”

The older man didn’t want to admit that Neal was right. He didn’t want to admit that he’s been hurting very much alongside Neal and Nicky because he felt like his pain was insignificant when compared to theirs. He hadn’t suffered the way they had, so he felt like he had no right to even speak about his own personal pain. Neal was right in more ways than one though. Peter knew he didn’t have to be strong all the time. He knew he could let his guard down with his husband and he’s done it in the past. Whenever he’s felt as though he may have lost Neal, his guard had vanished long ago.

When he thought he’d lost Neal to suicide, he’d allowed himself to sob as though he really had lost Neal. Even after being told that Neal was alive, he still felt defenseless. He still felt vulnerable and Neal had seen him like that before. Neal was the one who’d experienced Peter’s vulnerability and he’d been on the receiving end of Peter’s lashing out in the past. “I’ve been hurt,” he whispered, blinking quickly to rid himself of his tears before they could fall. Despite what Neal just said to him and what he had just told himself, he didn’t want to cry and show his weakness. His family was just fine, so he shouldn’t feel the need to cry.

Neal watched his husband’s composure slowly crumble away. He himself hated crying in front of Peter, but he cried in front of his husband because he trusts him. He trusts Peter to take care of him, to support him, and to love him regardless of how he acts. “I know,” Neal said softly.

Peter gripped Neal’s hips firmly, shutting his eyes tightly. He bowed his head and breathed shakily as he thought about all of the things that could have happened to his children and husband. It wasn’t limited to what would have happened if they’d stayed home. It was on several occasions. He’d thought about how he could have found his husband if he hadn’t gotten to him in time to save his life, how his life would have essentially ended if Neal’s suicide attempts had ever gone successfully, and how much hell their children would be put through if Neal killed himself. He honestly didn’t blame Neal for trying to end his life. He didn’t know how Neal felt because he didn’t feel that way on a daily basis. He didn’t know how it felt to have someone inside of his body, let alone _violating_ it from the inside out.

He could imagine Craig storming into their house, shooting without giving it any thought whatsoever. He could imagine Craig torturing his husband. Thoughts about what Craig had done to Neal’s body are what made him crack. His arms wound around Neal’s body, holding him close without much room for Neal to squirm. He pressed his face into the crook of Neal’s neck and cried quietly. Neal rubbed his back, hushing him gently while he kissed Peter’s jaw. “I’m so fucking afraid of losing you,” he said thickly, holding Neal tighter. “You have no idea how afraid I am.” He felt like a waterfall, crying endlessly against his husband, but it felt _good._ Keeping it all pent up inside of him was doing him no good and he really didn’t have a reason to hide his feelings from Neal. After all, Neal is his husband—his partner. Partners work together and Peter needed to remind himself of that sometimes. Neal hadn’t really held back when he needed to let himself relax and vent. Peter never told him to stop crying or shut up. He never told Neal to go back to sleep because he himself was tired and he didn’t feel like helping Neal at three in the morning some nights. _No._ He’d never done those things to Neal and he knew his husband well enough to know that Neal would never do those things to him either.

That’s the kind of relationship they have. “I’m not going anywhere,” Neal whispered, “unless you and the kids are with me.” He hugged Peter in return, closing his own eyes. “I’m not going to let anyone take me from you, Peter Michael. I love you too much to just give up. I love you too much to stay somewhere unsafe. Leaving home protected the two of us, our beautiful babies, mom and dad, and several other members of our family.”

“I’ve failed to keep you safe,” Peter said angrily. “I’ve failed to keep my promises to you in the past and I don’t want to fail this time.” He was gritting his teeth as he bunched up the fabric of Neal’s shirt in his fingers. “I don’t want you to suffer. I don’t want him to touch you. I don’t want him to even _look_ at you and think he can have you all to himself.”

Neal leaned his head against Peter’s, smiling weakly. “You haven’t failed me,” he whispered. “I’m still here. You’ve kept me alive for several years, Peter, and I’m grateful. I wouldn’t have made it through all of this if I didn’t have you at my side—if I didn’t have your love.”

Peter breathed heavily as he imagined his husband writhing in pain as Craig tormented him. He could hear Neal’s screams, see him crying, and knew he could do nothing to stop it all. His love hadn’t saved Neal then and he didn’t think it would save Neal now. Neal told him before that he wouldn’t survive rape a third time, yet he’d made it. Peter had no idea how Neal held himself together at all after everything he’s been through, but he didn’t want to tell himself Neal would survive anything. He didn’t want to believe that Neal wouldn’t take his own life if he had to endure rape once more. With that thought in mind, he was determined to kill Craig before Craig was close enough to touch Neal. He would _not_ allow Craig the chance to violate his husband a third time.

What Neal had survived with Vincent for three years was traumatizing and followed Neal as he grew older. To this very day, he was still affected by what that monster had done to him and Vincent was dead now. Neal’s tattoo was meant to express how he’d felt trapped all of his life because Vincent kept following him no matter how far or how fast he ran. He’d been running for twenty years before coming face to face with Vincent once again and it would only be a couple years following then before Vincent was given the opportunity to rape Neal again.

Remembering that Neal told him he didn’t think Vincent wanted to partake in his rape when he’d been taken by him and Craig made him sick. Vincent spent three years taking Neal’s innocence from him. At sixteen, Neal was ready to end his life. Hell, he’d admitted he was considering it as a fourteen year old. Peter hated thinking about Neal wanting to end his life as a teenager. He could remember the picture he’d seen of Neal Bennett on a file his father brought home with him. The smile on Neal’s face was a memory because he hadn’t been able to smile like that since.

When Peter saw that same picture in recent years, he could see the difference in his husband. As a teenager, that smile had merely been a mask for him to hide behind. Today, that smile was long gone and was replaced with something genuine. Peter could see Neal’s smile whenever he wanted it because Neal had reason to smile. He has a family who loves him dearly—something he hadn’t had for a long time. He had a devoted husband and three very beautiful children of his own to share with his husband. It was what he wanted and what he thought he’d never have. “I need you,” Peter whispered as he finally cracked, sobbing quietly. “I don’t want to live without you.”

Neal could promise Peter all he liked that Peter would never have to know how it felt to live without him, but Peter wouldn’t believe it until Craig was six _teen_ feet under. He wanted closure. With Vincent dead, Neal had only gotten half of his due closure. Ending Craig’s life would finalize that closure. “I don’t want to leave you, Peter Michael,” Neal said quietly, rubbing his husband’s back. He nuzzled his cheek against Peter’s head, feeling his lover’s misery. He knew how fearful Peter was of losing him. Peter was part of why Neal didn’t want to attempt suicide anymore. Leaving his husband after everything Peter had done for him would be extremely cruel. In addition to that, he’d be selfish to leave his children. As a father, he had signed on to taking care of them—to raising them. As a husband, he’d pledged his unconditional love to the man of his dreams. As a father and husband, he had a responsibility to his loved ones.

He realized that after spending so much time wishing he could be dead. Before Peter came into his life, he’d gone from being alone to being responsible for his son. He couldn’t abandon Nicky then and he wouldn’t abandon him and his siblings now. Peter deserved a man who loved him, who wanted to be with him. Neal wanted to be that man and he could only do that if he were still alive.

•◊•

Peter and Neal were outside of their safe house, playing in the backyard with the twins, Nicky, and Trent. It was pretty snowy outside and Nicky wanted to play. Joey wanted to follow Nicky, so Neal decided to bundle the twins up and take them outside. Peter came out with him after bringing Trent over.

Joey giggled crazily when Peter played with him. He was bent over with his arm wrapped around Joey’s waist and Joey was having fun touching the snow. Peter’s hands weren’t gloved, but Joey’s were. Peter glanced at his husband, seeing the love in his eyes as their gazes met. After being stuck here for a couple of weeks, they all needed to get out and have some fun. No one was allowed to play in front of the house, so they’d chosen to play out in the back.

Peter laughed his ass off when Neal got pelted in the face by a snowball Nicky had thrown. “Oh, really?” Neal challenged. Nicky giggled and Trent looked mortified. Neal carefully set Brie down, keeping a hand on her as he formed a ball of snow in his left hand. He tossed it and Nicky didn’t move fast enough, so it hit him in the face as well. He laughed and knelt to ball up some more snow. Brie was giggling and Peter couldn’t help watching his husband. It was adorable how he just played without thinking he’d be too childish. He’s almost forty years old and he still wanted to be a kid.

Neal stayed with Brie even as he tossed snowballs back and forth with Nicky—and eventually Trent who joined in after Neal encouraged it. Nicky took advantage of Neal’s attempt to make a bigger snowball than what he’d been throwing, charging his father. Neal was taken by surprise, but chuckled as he ended up on his back with Nicky on top of him. Brie was still standing where she’d been standing before and Peter quickly moved towards her with Joey in his arms. He wanted Neal and Nicky to play, so he stayed with the twins to make sure neither of them fell into the snow since they probably wouldn’t get up on their own.

Nicky and Neal wrestled and rolled around in the snow. After quite a bit of snow ended up down both of their jackets and their faces were flushed due to the cold, Neal pinned his son down into the snow, leaning down to pepper kisses all over his face. Nicky nudged his father with his knees, moaning, “Dad! Get off!” He was giggling when Neal wouldn’t let up. “Daddy!”

He managed to roll his father over, hovering over him now. He was straddling Neal’s waist with his palms pressing into the snow. “I love you so much,” Neal whispered as he smiled up at his son. Neither of them could really remember the last time they’d played in the snow like this together, but it was fun nonetheless.

“I love you, too, daddy,” Nicky said.

“Boys—and Brie,” Jon called out from the safe house. Neal sat up, wrapping his arms around his son. “Dinner’s ready. I want you all to get into warm clothes and come eat.”

Neal got himself and Nicky up, Trent darted over to Nicky to take his hand and lead him inside, and Peter waited for Neal to come closer to him. “That was adorable,” Peter whispered when Neal smiled at him. Neal picked Brie up and Peter wrapped an arm around his husband, leaning down to capture his chilled lips. “I love seeing you like that,” he admitted.

Peter couldn’t tell if his husband were blushing from the comments he made or if his face was pink because he was cold. Either way, he looked cute. “You should try it sometime. It’s fun,” Neal teased as he headed inside. Peter shut the door after he was inside. He undid Joey’s jacket and snow pants while Neal did the same with Brie. Hannah came in and took the twins, telling Peter and Neal to go change their clothes because they—mostly Neal—were dripping on the floor.

Both men left their boots alongside the twins’, Nicky’s, and Trent’s. Neal shivered when he stripped his jacket, setting it on the back of a chair near the heater. He grabbed a change of clothing, went into the bathroom, and took his shirt off next, then his pants and socks. “Your lingerie is wet,” Peter said seductively as he joined Neal in the bathroom with a change of his own clothing.

“I’m freezing.”

Peter took his own jacket and pants off, standing in front of his husband who was almost naked. “We could warm you up a little before going out for dinner if you’d like.”

Neal stared into his husband’s eyes for several moments before whispering, “Lock the door.”

They emerged from the bathroom fifteen minutes later—completely dressed. Jon took one look at his sons and smirked. He could tell just by looking at Neal that they’d made love in the bathroom. Neal’s hair was disheveled and both of their faces were heated up. “I hope you cleaned up after yourselves,” Jon teased them quietly when they came closer to help dish out dinner.

Peter smirked, resting one hand on Neal’s lower back. He didn’t feel the need to make a comment this time. He and Neal made love—so what? It warmed the younger man considerably and they both loved each other enough to enjoy it. And they _had_ cleaned up.

Neal got food for Nicky and Trent first, then the twins’. Jon and Hannah dished out their own food and went to sit on the couch. Neal was sitting on the floor in front of the couch with the twins’ food. Peter, watching his husband in awe, snapped out of his Neal-induced daydream and dished out food for himself and Neal. He joined Neal on the floor and sidled right up to him, earning a grin from his husband.

After everyone had finished their dinner, Neal and Peter each had one of the twins in their arms and they were leaning against each other, Trent and Nicky were sitting on the couch together, hand in hand, and Jon was sitting with his arm around Hannah. They had some random cartoon on the television, but no one was really watching it.

Peter and Neal allowed Trent to spend the night with them once Trent had gotten permission from his mother, so Nicky and Trent curled up together on Nicky’s bed, which left the twins to Peter and Neal.

Jon and Hannah were asleep in no time at all, Nick and Trent kept talking quietly, and Neal and Peter were having a hard time getting comfortable in their bed since it wasn’t as big as their actual bed had been. This bed barely fit them both and now they had to keep the twins in it with them. Neal set them in front of him near the wall because he didn’t want them to rolling off the bed and Peter was spooning him. They were much closer than they usually were. Neal felt like this was the prelude to sex with how close and hard Peter was. Peter’s erection was pressed right up against Neal’s ass and it was evident that he wished it would go away so they could relax. Neal wiggled around a little bit just to fluster his husband. “Pain in the ass,” Peter whispered. Neal snickered quietly, reaching back to rub Peter’s hip.

“We could do it,” Neal said softly. “I just have to turn over.”

“Neal George,” Peter admonished. “They’re still up.”

Neal paused for a moment. “Oh. Right.” He slid his hand down a bit, ghosting his hand over Peter’s groin. He smirked when he felt Peter’s cock jump in excitement. “Game?”

“Game,” Peter whispered, kissing Neal’s shoulder. Neal smiled when Peter guided his hand into Peter’s briefs. He stroked the older man behind him and Peter’s left hand slid up and down Neal’s arm. This was one of the quieter things they could do. “God…” He pulled his arm back and slid it underneath Neal’s, immediately reaching into Neal’s lingerie to stroke him in kind. Even though Neal preferred to have Peter’s inside of him, he didn’t mind this. It didn’t pleasure him as much as it did Peter, but it still worked.

They managed to give each other handjobs as long as they could, but then Peter began to tremble as he resisted his need to release. Glancing over his shoulder, he quietly told Neal that the boys were asleep. Peter wanted to take Neal very badly, so they both slid out of bed and quickly snuck into the bathroom. Peter immediately had Neal’s back against a wall and they slid their underwear off. As soon as Neal’s lingerie hit the floor, Peter lifted his husband, propping him up against the wall. He wrapped his legs around Peter’s waist and moaned when Peter slid into him. They didn’t need any preparation because Neal had taken care of that in the midst of their handjobs. “Peter, Peter,” he whispered, shutting his eyes tightly as Peter thrust into him erratically. He made a quiet sound when Peter hit his prostate a little rougher than usual, but it was enough to bring Peter over the edge.

Peter listened to his husband as he gripped Neal’s cock and stroked him until he came just in time to come simultaneously with Peter. He kept his eyes on Neal’s face, watching his lips parted in a silent gasp. “Sorry,” Peter whispered once they were both completely done. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“That felt good,” Neal said quietly. He opened his eyes and smiled at his husband as Peter stroked the outside of his thighs, sliding his hands to rub underneath and back towards Neal’s ass. “I can tell you needed to come really bad. You wanted it inside of me?”

“Yes,” Peter fiercely admitted. “I like watching you after I come inside of you.” He thrust into Neal slowly a few more times, kissing him, before allowing Neal’s feet to touch the floor. He rested his hands on Neal’s hips, staring into his eyes. “I feel like it’s a lot more intimate if I do. That sounds kind of stupid, but…”

Neal smiled, reaching up to caress his husband’s face. “We’re husbands—committed to each other and only each other. I feel like we’re more intimate this way, too.”

Peter nodded slowly, sighing. “I wish I wasn’t so intent on coming though. I like drawing it out with you.”

“We’ve done it quickly before,” Neal whispered. “It’s all good, lover, and it’s not like this is the last time we’ll ever make love again. We’ll have our quick moments, but we’ll also have our moments where we’ll feel like we were so absorbed with each other forever.”

The younger man watched his husband rub his stomach, licking his hand afterwards to clean himself. Neal’s face heated up as he watched Peter enjoy Neal’s release. He could feel what Peter left behind inside of him and he enjoyed that, too.

They cleaned up quickly and got back into their underwear before heading back out to bed, laying down as closely as they’d laid before. Peter rubbed his thumb over Neal’s abdomen slowly, kissing Neal’s shoulder, as a way of reminding Neal that he loves the younger man.

•◊•

Neal woke up to the quiet voice of his husband behind him. He knew without looking that Peter was on the phone. “I can’t even suggest places to look. Our home was trashed.” There was a brief pause and Neal swore he heard yelling through the phone. “Reese. Reese, no, I didn’t put us in harm’s way. We—” Peter grunted as he listened to his boss and oldest friend lecture him. Once his tirade was over, Peter defended himself. “We had to go back. We left a few important things behind that’ll help the kids forget about all of this for a little while.” Peter was quiet as he listened to Reese again. “It was frightening to see what Craig did when we weren’t home. He must have gotten a hold of a God damned machine gun—there were so many bullet holes in the walls, ceilings, and floors. He went into our bedroom and destroyed our bed—same for the kids’ rooms.”

The younger man turned over without jostling the bed too much and he rested a hand on Peter’s bare lower back. Peter glanced back at him silently, reaching down to stroke Neal’s hair with his left hand. He was looking at Neal apologetically and Neal kissed Peter’s wrist, whispering, “It’s okay.”

“Neal and I moved everything important to us out as quickly as we could manage. There’s no way of knowing when he was actually there because we’d been gone for—” He closed his eyes, stilling his hand in Neal’s hair. “We’ll be just fine, Reese. I’m not letting him out of my sight and we’ve got our guns.” He laughed lightly to himself. “Hell, my dad has a gun and he came down from Maine.” They talked for a few minutes longer before Peter said goodbye and hung up. As soon as he set his phone down, he looked down at his husband, stroking his hair again. “Sorry that I woke you up, baby.” Neal shrugged, smiling faintly at his husband. “Reese called to checkup on us. He’s been concerned because it seems like Craig’s gone to ground.”

“There’s no way he could possibly know about the safe houses, right?”

“Right, darling,” Peter assured him. “These aren’t linked to us or the FBI in any way at all. They’re simply abandoned homes.”

Neal nodded, resting his hand on Peter’s thigh. “We’ll get him before he gets us, Peter,” he said quietly. “You, dad, and I are determined to protect our family. Mom and the kids will be safe.”

Peter stared at Neal even as his hand moved. “So will you,” he stated firmly. “Just because you’ve got a gun, I’m not going to let up and tell myself you’re okay on your own.”

“Nor would I expect you to,” Neal whispered. “I’m not asking you to leave me wide open because I have a gun of my own. I know you have a gun and I want to protect you, Peter.”

The older man leaned down to kiss Neal’s temple, sighing quietly. “I’ll keep you safe. I promise, Neal.” Neal smiled at him softly, trying to lighten his husband’s mood. It didn’t seem to be doing much good, but he didn’t want Peter to drown himself in his own despair because he feared he wouldn’t be able to protect his husband. No. Neal knew Peter would do his damnedest for him and he was determined to let Peter do that without interference, but he wanted Peter to stop putting himself down. Peter blames himself for what’s been done to Neal in the past and Neal wished he wouldn’t do that to himself. “I’m never going to let that son of a bitch inside of you again.” He sounded so angry and resentful. It chilled Neal to the bone as his husband’s eyes seemed to darken. He didn’t move at all, but he kept his eyes on the older man. “You’re my husband,” he whispered, “and I refuse to let anyone else take advantage of your body. I wish I was the kind of man to inflict pain upon him that he’s inflicted upon you.”

“But you’re not,” Neal insisted. “You’re a good man and I love you for being that man. What he’s done to me proves that he’s a monster. He’s not a human being and—”

“But you are,” Peter snapped. Neal flinched in response. He didn’t understand why Peter was acting like this. They were safe for the moment. “You’re a human being that he tortured. He almost killed you in both instances in which he’d kidnapped you. What he’s done to you is unforgivable and I don’t want a simple gunshot to his black heart as revenge.”

Neal’s lips parted as he listened to this. His husband sounded so dark and he could only imagine what was going through Peter’s thoughts. “Peter, justice will prevail,” he promised.

Peter shook his head, meeting Neal’s eyes again. “No amount of justice can ever make this right. He used me and our son against you and raped you—almost killing you in the process.”

As much as it hurt to think about what Peter was saying, he knew Peter was right. He couldn’t deny what Craig had done to him. The name embedded into his thigh prevented him from going into denial anyway. “I’m alive and I’m healing, Peter.”

The older man leapt up from the bed, growling quietly in fury. Neal pushed himself up, keeping his eyes on Peter. He trusted that Peter wouldn’t do something stupid, but this was obviously hitting him a lot harder than it normally did. “That may be true, but I can’t forget it. I can’t stop myself from seeing the way you looked when I found you, when you were in the hospital, and when you screamed in terror during your nightmares.”

Silence loomed over them until Neal swallowed hard and asked, “Is that what you see when you look at me? Someone who’s broken and beaten?”

Peter turned to face him, staring intently at him. He wanted to tell Neal that he didn’t see him in that light, but that wasn’t entirely true. He would never suggest that Neal was broken or beaten, but he couldn’t help remembering the horrible things Craig had done to his husband and all he’d seen was the aftermath. He hadn’t been there to watch Craig unleash hell upon Neal. The first time, Neal had been alone. The second time, Nicky had been there to see and hear everything they did to his father.

There was no way in hell he could forget how his husband looked when he’d finally gone to his rescue. His malnourished, beaten, bloody, bruised, and miserable husband wasn’t something he could just pretend never happened. Neal was healthier, healed, and a little happier now, but Peter wouldn’t allow himself to forget. He himself couldn’t feel Neal’s pain, but he wished he could have taken it from him during all of his nightmares and in his moments where he could barely move on his own let alone speak. He’d watched Neal suffer while Craig was out there without a care in the world. “I can see what he did to you,” Peter whispered. “I can see how you’ve healed, but God damn it. I can’t stop seeing how much hell he put you through. He had you for a week—and then two weeks. Vincent had you for three years and you never even _slightly_ hinted that he’d made you feel that horrible. Craig has scarred you in ways that make me loathe his very existence.”

Neal slid off of the bed frantically, moving towards his husband. He rested his hands on Peter’s chest, pleading with his eyes. “Peter, I’m better now,” he whispered. “I’m not forcing myself to lose weight until I kill myself. I’m not cutting myself anymore. I’m—”

Peter pressed his palm against Neal’s thigh angrily and Neal’s eyes watered. “He did this to you and it still hurts you. He still hurts you and he isn’t even _here._ ”

“Peter, stop,” he begged.

“I’m going to kill him in the worst and slowest way known to man. I refuse to let him off easy for this. He deserves to suffer and I want to hear him scream. I want him to beg for mercy and I want to refuse to give it to him.”

“You’re not that man,” Neal stammered. “You’re not that cruel.”

He grabbed the front of Neal’s shirt and bunched it up in his fist angrily. “I’ll become that man when I’m face to face with him.” Neal stared at his husband, terrified. “He could have taken you from me forever—from our kids forever. By taking your life, he would have ended all of ours.”

“Peter, I’m alive,” Neal whispered as tears slid down the sides of his face. He was holding Peter’s hand in both of his even though his shirt was still balled up into Peter’s fist. “You’re not like him, so don’t be like him. You’re not a psychopath or a murderer.” Peter suddenly seemed to come back to himself when he actually listened to what Neal was saying. “You’re my teddy,” he whispered endearingly, sounding pained simultaneously. “Don’t become someone you’re not because of what he did. I survived it.”

The older man simply stared into his husband’s eyes, seeing the desperation in those blue orbs that he loved so very much. His fingers slowly released Neal’s shirt and Neal didn’t move to back away like Peter thought he would. Instead, Neal wrapped his arms around Peter, hugging him tightly. He didn’t want to see Peter become a man who murdered for revenge. That’s not who Peter is or would be. He understood Peter’s intentions and motivations, but that didn’t make them right. Peter Michael Burke is a man who values justice and Neal knew this wouldn’t be justice.

Justice would prevail and Neal would see to it that he kept Peter on that path alongside him.


	38. Chapter 38

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas with the Burkes starts off really well.

“Daddy! Poppa!” Neal and Peter both startled awake as they turned to look at their son. They thought something was happening, so they’d both gone into defensive mode almost immediately. That was when they realized that Nicky had woken up to find his Christmas presents near a makeshift tree Neal and Peter went out to buy in the middle of the night a few nights ago. “Santa came!” he said excitedly.

Neal smiled softly at his son and Peter sighed quietly, kissing Neal’s shoulder as Nicky darted over to the pile of gifts for him and the twins. “Get dressed,” Peter whispered, smirking at the younger man after pecking his lips. Neal smiled wryly at Peter, reaching over the side of the bed to grab his sweatpants. Peter had his pants on the bed, so he dressed himself quickly. They kept their shirts on because it was too damn cold for that and they didn’t think it was really appropriate to sleep in the nude with Peter’s parents sleeping in the same room with them.

Once both men were dressed, they slid out of bed and joined their son near the couch. They decided to let Jon, Hannah, and the twins sleep as long as they could since it was still early. “Can I open my gifts?”

Peter murmured, “Maybe we should wait for grandma and grandpa to wake up.”

Nicky whined and Neal chuckled. “Don’t you want grandma and grandpa to see your gifts, too?”

“They can see them when they wake up because they’ll be unwrapped.”

Peter rolled his eyes and met Neal’s gaze a moment later. “You can open one right now,” Peter compromised, “as long as you promise to wait for everyone to wake up before opening the rest.”

Nicky pouted and Neal raised an eyebrow, slightly amused while trying to act like he was on Peter’s side. “Poppa’s being very generous. If you don’t want to wait…”

“Fine. I’ll just wait.”

Neal laughed quietly when his son acted like a little kid. He was acting the same way he’d acted as a six year old who wanted to open his presents from Santa. Neal had been particularly tired that morning, so he wasn’t looking forward to the early wakeup call, but he’d gotten up after Nicky pouted and begged him to get up.

Peter leaned forward and wrapped his arms around Nicky’s waist, pulling him back. Nicky giggled when Peter kissed his cheek, holding him on his lap. “Santa did a pretty good job at finding us,” he said quietly. Neal really appreciated that Peter played along with him and the whole Santa thing. Nicky, as a fourteen almost fifteen year old, still believed in Santa. As much as Neal didn’t want to ruin his little fantasy, he knew he’d have to break it to him eventually.

Nicky leaned back against his poppa, resting his hands over Peter’s. “Did you guys get me some good stuff this year?” Peter and Neal stared at him in confusion. Nicky grinned at his dad, whispering, “I know it’s been you guys all along.”

“That’s not—”

Nicky immediately cut Neal off by reaching over to touch his hand, telling him, “It’s okay, dad.” Neal’s brows drew together. He kept telling himself he could let Nicky believe for another year and then it became another year and another year after that. “I’ve known since I was twelve.”

“How?” he asked incredulously.

“Poppa.” Neal’s gaze flickered up to Peter’s face and he glared at him. Peter looked innocent, like he hadn’t the slightest idea of what Nicky was talking about. “He dropped a receipt in the hallway where you guys stashed the presents at the old apartment.”

Peter flinched before Neal even had the chance to smack him. “As subtle as always,” he said sarcastically. “You seriously played along for three years? Why?”

Nicky shrugged. “I know you like talking about Santa, so I wanted to make you happy, daddy.” Neal stared at his son, awed. He hadn’t even thought about it like that—or that Nicky would act like that because of him. “I still have all of the drawings you did for me when I was little. I kept them in one of the big sketchbooks you bought me.”

“Nick…” he whispered.

“I remember you talking about Santa when I was five or six. You were always so excited leading up to Christmas and you were always really happy when I opened my presents.” He took Neal’s hand and held it tight. “You needed a couple more years to be a kid, too, daddy.”

Neal didn’t know what to say and Peter was just as speechless as he was. He ruffled Nicky’s hair, keeping his eyes on his husband, wondering what he was thinking and feeling just then. “Nicolas James, you are the sweetest kid I’ve ever met and I’m thankful to call you _mine._ ” He leaned over and hugged his son, hugging Peter simultaneously. Peter smiled as he draped an arm over his husband’s back.

Nicky knew Neal’s childhood had been ripped from him in more ways than one and he assumed that Neal’s Christmas beliefs had been shattered early on because that was the kind of man Vincent was and he’d been in Neal’s life for a couple years prior to violating him. “You’re my daddy,” he said quietly. “I wanted you to have some more time to pretend Santa’s real even if you knew he wasn’t.”

The three of them stayed close. Peter held Nicky on his lap with Nicky’s back against his chest and Neal rested his head against Peter’s. Peter kept an arm around Neal, rubbing his hip as they enjoyed the silence. Neal didn’t realize just how sweet his son really was and that amazed as well as continued to surprise him. He was truly amazed by the fact that his baby wanted _him_ to enjoy pretending Santa was real. Vincent told him when he was about eight years old, so he barely had any time to believe in something that would’ve made him happy. His mother couldn’t even use the excuse that Santa was watching in order to keep him out of trouble because Vincent had ruined that the moment he’d walked into Neal’s life. The very first Christmas they spent together, he’d snapped at Neal and told him to grow up, telling him right away that Santa was just a figment of his imagination.

Peter was dozing off until he heard one of the twins make a small sound. He was awake immediately and so was Neal. They would have loved to go back to sleep, but they couldn’t if the twins were awake.

The sporadic crying sound Joey made eventually had Neal sighing and getting up from the couch. Nicky slid off of his poppa, sitting in Neal’s spot as Peter got up to help his husband since Brie would inevitably wake up because of her brother. Peter wanted to pick Joey up and Neal didn’t argue with him about that. Peter hushed Joey, holding him against his chest. “Hey, little man,” he whispered. He kissed Joey’s cheek and Joey reciprocated by drooling on Peter’s shoulder. His little hand patted Peter’s arm because he was enjoying his motor skills—finally. The boy had been lazy for the good part of his nine months and he was now beginning to show an interest in learning. He’d wanted to start walking because he saw Brie doing it, but he was crawling instead. Brie was cruising around without much help and Peter thought it was the cutest thing, watching her grab onto beds and chairs as she moved around the room.

Brie didn’t want to be held, so she kicked out repeatedly until Neal set her down on the floor in front of the bed she’d been sharing with her brothers. She giggled quietly when Neal let go of her entirely and allowed her to move freely. “Wow. What a little brat this morning,” he said endearingly.

Joey turned a little to watch his sister and then he began to jerk around a bit, wanting to be on the floor, too. Peter chuckled, kneeling to set him on his feet. He kept his hands on Joey’s hips until Joey started to dive forward. He helped him lay on the floor and watched as Joey crawled towards Brie. That was when he realized they were heading directly for their Christmas presents. Neither of them cared whose gifts were whose. They just saw the vibrant colors of the wrapping paper and _wanted_ to touch and rip it. “Hang on, little ones,” Peter said. “We have to wait for—”

“Ah, let them go,” Jon murmured from his bed. “Mom and I will be over momentarily.”

Neal grinned, pressing his hands against Peter’s chest. He pecked Peter’s lips before taking Peter’s hand, leading him over to the pile of presents. He was really excited because it was the twins’ first Christmas. Nicky bounced excitedly as he waited for his fathers and siblings to get closer. Joey crawled to Nicky and allowed Nicky to pull him into his lap, bouncing excitedly when his older brother started moving presents around to set them into piles as much as he could.

Peter watched Neal get into the whole thing. It was amazing how childish Neal was at times. He was setting aside presents for the twins. They hadn’t gotten very much because Neal knew they wouldn’t really care about their toys and such at this age, so the gifts were for both twins rather than individually. Peter sat on the floor beside his sons, smiling softly at his husband who was still shifting presents around. He made sure he set an equal amount in front of both twins and he separated Nicky’s gifts in order to keep everyone happy. The twins were already ripping the wrapping paper excitedly.

When Neal sat back, Peter pulled him close, kissing his temple. Neal stayed on his knees, draping his arm over Peter’s shoulders. As expected, neither of the twins cared for their gifts. They kept ripping through the wrapping paper and even went back to the wrapping paper they’d only partially ripped just to rip it some more. Nicky, however, was taking his time. He loved what his fathers had gotten for him so far. They’d given Nicky several collectibles that Nicky asked for, earphones, an IPod, and several other little things he’d begged for since he hadn’t gotten them for his birthday.

Jon and Hannah joined them at some point, watching their grandchildren open gifts. They’d combined efforts with the boys this year and it worked out well considering. They ditched their own house as quickly as they could, taking all of their essentials and things of importance. Since they’d already sent their share of gifts to Neal and Peter prior to this, they were already part of the pile the kids were opening.

Nicky went back to bed shortly thereafter, holding his collectibles against his chest. Neal was on his laptop at Peter’s feet with Brie sitting beside him and Joey in Peter’s lap. Peter leaned forward, stroking his husband’s hair as he whispered, “What’re you doing, honey?”

“Reading,” he said, sounding distant. He was scanning news articles and found several that he could definitely link to Craig. His old apartment had been broken into and he felt terrible about that, but he was relieved that his older brother, little brother, June, and Mel were all safe. He didn’t find anything about El and Diana’s home, which was fortunate—same with Trent’s.

Peter kept stroking Neal’s hair until Joey leaned forward and tugged on Neal’s hair. Neal made a small sound of pain, twisting to look up at his husband, thinking it was him. “I swear it was the boy,” Peter said defensively. Joey giggled and bounced a little in Peter’s lap. Neal grunted quietly before returning his focus to his laptop. He opened his email and had several emails forwarded directly to it from his _Neal’s Net_ email account. He’d sent out an email to all of the parents of the children he’d been helping and informed them of what was going on in the most basic of terms.

He essentially told them that, as an FBI agent, his life was at risk. Because of that, he warned them to stay away from the building until he sent out another email to confirm that it would be safe for them all to return. He’d told them that he wasn’t sure how long this would last, but he added that he would take emails from the children or their parents if they felt comfortable sharing things in a private discussion with him. He advised parents to supervise their conversations because he knew a couple of the younger girls thought he was ‘hot.’ It didn’t bother him, but he didn’t want to come off as a pedophile, so he told them to keep an eye on what the kids were emailing him before they sent it.

Gay or straight, he could still be accused of pedophilia and he’d prefer to avoid that…

The first email he opened was from one of the younger girls and it was evident in the way she wrote to him. She’d written him this morning and asked him if he believed in Santa and she wanted to know if he had a good Christmas when he was seven, too. He smiled weakly and hit the reply button. “Hi, Nichole,” he wrote back. “I do believe in Santa. He’s one of my heroes.” He put a smiley face after that and added, “I had a really good Christmas when I was seven. How has your Christmas been so far?”

He answered a few more emails from some of the other kids and a couple of parents as well before shutting his laptop, sighing as he twisted to lay his head on his husband’s leg. “You okay?” he asked as he carded his fingers through Neal’s hair slowly. Neal nodded silently in response. “What is it, honey?”

Brie pushed herself up using Neal’s leg and stood, balancing herself using him. He smiled a little when she grinned widely at him after she stopped wobbling around. “You know I love kids,” he whispered. Peter did know that and he wondered if something with _their_ kids was bothering him. “I just responded to about ten or so emails from kids and parents at _Neal’s Net_ and I feel so emotionally drained. That really sucks.”

Peter nudged Neal with his foot gently until Neal sat up. He slid down onto the floor to sit beside Neal, holding Joey against him. He stared into Neal’s eyes and smiled at him. “You’re a very beautiful man,” he whispered, leaning over to peck Neal’s lips. “You just spread yourself too thin sometimes, angel. You have your own life and your own children’s lives to take into consideration. Close relationships can be just as emotionally draining as the relationship you have with the kids in your group.” Neal leaned forward, pressing his forehead against Peter’s as he closed his eyes. “At least you know you’re making the lives of other children better, sweetheart. They’re really taken by you because you know what to say to make them forget about what’s happened to them. You know how to turn things around and tell them jokes that totally get their mind off of all of the bad things they’ve been through.” He took Neal’s hand in his, intertwining their fingers. “You’re a great role model, hon.”

Neal opened his eyes and lifted his head, smiling at Peter softly. “The only reason I can do all of that is _you._ ” Peter gave him a puzzled look. “Peter, think about it. You’ve been here to take my pain away by making me think about other things. You joke around with me—when it’s appropriate—and you’ve been a role model and hero in my eyes.”

The older man lifted Neal’s hand and kissed his knuckles. “You needed that,” he whispered. “You’ve never deserved to suffer the way you’ve suffered and I’m glad I’ve done something to help you, baby.”

“Mm. Sometimes I seriously want to smack you.” Peter smiled wryly at him, knowing what Neal meant. “I’ve been on death’s doorstep several times over the last few years and you’ve pulled me away from it each and every time whether I deserved it or not.”

Peter actually did smack Neal—playfully. “You _always_ deserved it,” he said. Neal made a pouty face and Peter rolled his eyes. “Honey, I’m gonna kiss that pout right off your gorgeous face.” Neal kept making the face, tempting Peter to do more than just kiss him.

“Boys, show a little restraint,” Jon teased from the kitchenette. Neal stopped pouting and his face flushed. “Those poor babies. Always forced to listen to their fathers discuss their sex life in subtle ways.”

“Jon!” Hannah said, smacking his arm.

Neal’s face got even hotter and Peter ruffled his hair. “The babies are too interested in our hands, the furniture, or their own hands. I’m pretty sure they don’t care about what daddy and I discuss.” He grinned at Neal, knowing how much Neal despised being called ‘daddy’ unless the kids were talking to him or Peter was referring to him _with the kids._ “Oh, lighten up, beautiful,” he said as he leaned over to peck Neal’s cheek. “That one Christmas…”

“You don’t have to remind me,” Neal muttered, eliciting a snicker from his husband.

Jon looked mildly curious now. “Oh, what isn’t Peter reminding you of?”

Neal tried to tell him nothing, but Peter interjected, “Some teenager was hitting on him while we were shopping for Christmas lights. The poor kid worked there and didn’t realize Neal and I were together.” Jon looked amused and Neal just stared at his husband, mortified by the fact that he was retelling something really embarrassing. “He asked if Neal needed anything and proceeded to rest a hand on his ass after calling him ‘daddy.’” Jon burst into laughter and Neal’s face became a bright shade of red as he forced himself to avoid eye contact. “Mind you, my poor baby had an erection at the time and—”

“Peter Michael!” Neal hissed.

“—so the kid thought Neal was excited by him.” Neal smacked his arm roughly, glaring at him. Peter chuckled lightly. “You should’ve seen the look on the little bastard’s face when I pried his hand away from Neal’s ass.”

Neal crossed his arms over his chest, glaring daggers at his husband. “Yeah, and then _you_ grabbed my ass in front of him.”

Peter laughed lightly as Jon kept laughing. “I don’t like when other people touch you,” he said as he leaned over to kiss Neal’s cheek. “You’re my husband,” he whispered, “and no one else has the right to touch you that way.”

“Wow. I think that’s the least embarrassing thing you’ve said all morning with your parents right there.” Peter rolled his eyes, glancing up at his father as he came to sit on the other end of the couch. Hannah was making them a light lunch, smiling to herself after Peter’s story.

The older man was in the mood to take Neal into the bathroom and have his way with him, but he could see that Neal wasn’t in that same mood. Neal was a bit flustered, which was understandable considering he just embarrassed the hell out of him. “I love you.”

Neal made a sound of disbelief. “Sure you do.”

“I do,” Peter insisted, carding his fingers through Neal’s hair slowly again. He cradled the back of Neal’s head, keeping his eyes on Neal’s face. “I love you very much and I’m not afraid to show you that.”

“Among other things, apparently.”

“Honey, are you mad at me?” He was being serious now, seeing the signs that indicated that Neal was upset. Neal shrugged, pulling Brie into his lap. He didn’t really think the story would upset his husband seriously. Neal was usually a pretty good sport about things like that, but Peter could see that he’d overstepped the line this time. “Hey,” he whispered, sliding his hand down to caress Neal’s neck. “You can tell me if I upset you. I’m sorry if I did.”

Neal was quiet for a time before sighing and shaking his head. “It doesn’t matter.” He tried to push himself up with Brie, but Peter tugged on his shirt until he was sitting again. “Peter, it doesn’t matter,” he said exasperatedly.

Peter rubbed Neal’s right side, meeting Neal’s eyes. “It _does_ matter,” he said softly. “It’s always mattered to me.”

The younger man frowned for a moment. “Yeah. It bothered me.” Peter nodded, knowing there was more that Neal wanted to add. “I don’t like that you can joke around about people touching me inappropriately.”

Peter’s eyes widened. He hadn’t even thought about it like that, but he should’ve realized how insensitive it was on his part. After being with Neal for almost six years, he should’ve known that would offend his husband. “Neal, I—”

“It’s Christmas. I’m not going to make this a pity-party or get all angsty.” He sighed heavily, staring directly at Peter. “It bothered me when that guy touched me. It wasn’t funny to me.”

He nodded. “Honey, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for it to sound like that.”

“It’s fine,” he said quietly. “I know why you told the story and it was funny at first.” Peter gently nudged Neal’s head until the younger man acquiesced and leaned just enough so that Peter could kiss his forehead. He stayed there, letting Peter apologize silently. He wasn’t pissed at Peter. He just wished Peter wouldn’t have chosen that moment to talk about that teenager. Any other time might’ve been okay, but Neal really didn’t want to hear it. Christmas with his kids, husband, and parents was supposed to distract him from everything that’s happened to him. It was kind of counterproductive when Peter brought up and made fun of inappropriate touches.

Brie and Joey started roaming around. Brie was walking along the couch and Joey was trying to keep up with her. It wasn’t very easy to do because he hadn’t been walking as much as he’d been crawling. His balance was still a little off. “Little speed demon,” Peter said as he chuckled. His arm was draped over Neal’s shoulder and Neal’s head was on his shoulder. “I love you,” he whispered, kissing Neal’s hair.

“I love you, too,” Neal said softly, rubbing Peter’s left thigh.

Jon and Hannah were just as relaxed as the boys were. They were glad Neal wasn’t tense anymore. “Neal,” Peter said softly, waiting for his husband to look up at him. When he finally did, he kissed Neal gently. “I love you so much. I love having you in my life. I love going to sleep beside you, waking up to your beautiful bed-head, and I’m so thankful to have three beautiful children with you.”

Neal’s lips formed a small smile as his eyes began to gloss over. That always meant so much to him. He always went back to think about his past relationships when Peter said such wonderful things to him and he realized that he never had a partner like Peter. The closest anyone had come was probably Dan, but Neal was afraid to trust Dan with Nicky. He wasn’t afraid of Peter and Peter had proven he was trustworthy. Unlike Keller, Peter never looked at Nicky like he was a little nuisance. Peter loved Nicky from the beginning and cared for him as his own. Since having the twins, Peter has been very helpful and supportive. With Keller, Neal was essentially on his own in raising his son. Nicky was his world and Keller didn’t give a damn about his baby at the time. Because of that bastard, he’d been afraid to talk about Nicky with any man he could have a relationship with.

Peter, despite his personal lowered self-esteem, was a fantastic father. He’d struggled in the beginning, but he overcame that pretty quickly and Neal was very impressed. Hell, he’d turned the monitor off several times so Neal could get some sleep. Peter hadn’t had any problem with the twins then, so Neal knew they were in good hands even if he wasn’t there to help out. “I was blessed with such a wonderful husband and three amazing little ones I can call _ours._ ”

Joey tried to stand and immediately fell, crashing into a small table in the corner of the room. Neal’s eyes widened and both he and Peter leapt to check on him. Brie paused in her movements, watching her brother wail. “Hey,” Peter whispered when Neal picked Joey up. He stroked Joey’s cheek as Neal held him close. “You’re okay, little guy.” Joey sobbed erratically until he finally quieted down and lifted his hand to grasp Peter’s fingers, pulling on them in an attempt to bring them towards his mouth. Peter chuckled, rubbing his thumb over Joey’s lips. “Daddy’s the one who lets you suck on his fingers,” he teased. He shared a sly smile with Neal as Neal realized what Peter wasn’t saying. He snickered and leaned over to kiss Peter’s cheek.

Jon rolled his eyes. Naturally, his son made something innocent very sexual.

Neal watched his youngest son nibble on his own fingers, drooling all over his little hands. It took him a moment before he caught wind of another slight inconvenience for Joey. “Oh. Somebody needs a diaper change,” he said. Peter met Neal’s gaze, silently asking if he could do it. Neal held Joey out to him and Joey sniveled a bit even after he laid his head on Peter’s shoulder. “Brie, honey,” he said softly, turning to face his daughter who giggled and grinned at him. “C’mere, princess. I’m sure you’re in need of a—” He glanced at his husband. “We should give them a bath.”

Peter glanced over his shoulder, shrugging. “That’s fine. I know you packed the little bath seats for them.” Neal nodded and carried his daughter into the bathroom. Peter joined him a moment later. He cleaned Joey up since he’d done a ‘number two.’ He didn’t bother with putting another diaper on him because he was about to put him into the bath in a moment anyway. Brie was leaning against the ledge of the bathtub, giggling as Neal put the stopper in and ran the water. He grabbed the little seats that would support the twins in the bathtub and dropped to his knees, leaning over the bathtub to make sure they stuck to the bottom of the bathtub.

The older man was able to imagine Neal doing this as a twenty-three year old very easily. Watching Neal as a thirty-seven year old was fascinating because he knew so much more than he had when he’d been raising Nicky alone. Peter loved watching Neal because Neal had his own way of doing things and he actually learned quite a bit from his husband.

He was waiting for Neal to tell him that the water was okay before putting Joey into the water. Neal was better at gauging temperatures that would be okay for the babies, so he let Neal do that job. “All right,” he said when the water was high enough and at a decent temperature. He turned to grab Brie, but she’d wandered off. “Oh, shi—Brie!” He got up quickly and darted over to the little closet he’d left open when he’d opened it to pull the bath seats out. There were several things in the closet that weren’t good for the babies, so he quickly pulled her out and shut the door. “Wow, princess. We’re quite the adventurous one, aren’t we?”

Peter smiled as he set Joey into the bath seat. He glanced at Neal as Neal undressed Brie. She waved her hands around, effectively smacking him in the face. He sighed and chuckled. Peter leaned over and ruffled Neal’s hair, murmuring, “I think she’ll be just like her beautiful daddy.”

Neal lifted Brie and put her into her bath seat before turning to his husband. “How do you figure that?”

“She’s persistent when her mind is set,” he said softly. “You’re adventurous as well.” It dawned on Neal then and he nodded, giving Peter a small smile while feeling extremely giddy. He has a husband who loves and appreciates him, who shares those same things with their children, and Peter made Neal feel tingly inside. “And thank God for that,” he whispered, leaning over to kiss Neal’s temple. “It brought you here to me.”

Peter rubbed Neal’s lower back, sighing contentedly as Neal laughed quietly, happily. “Even after all these years,” Neal whispered, shaking his head as his eyes glistened. The older man gave him a curious look, wondering what Neal meant. He slid his hand up to the middle of Neal’s back, resting it there. Neal met Peter’s eyes. “You still give me butterflies.”

Chuckling, Peter slid his hand further up Neal’s back until he was able to caress the back of Neal’s neck. “I’ve always been honest with you about things like this,” he said softly. “You’re the light of my life and you brought little rays of sunshine along with you when you came to me. I’ll never forget that.”

Neal reached into the bathtub to play with the babies, gently splashing water around. “You’re the love of my life,” Neal admitted to him. “I’ve only been in love a few times, but I know you’re the one. You’ve been the one for me since before we were officially together.” Peter smiled at his husband, loving how playful and loving he is—how great he is at being a father. He was making their babies giggle and they splashed water at him excitedly, bouncing around a little bit. “Nicky was my little love when it was just the two of us, and then an exceptional man came into our lives to become my hunky and extremely sexy lover.”

Peter scoffed. “If one of us is sexy, it’s definitely you, darling.”

Neal smiled wryly at him. “Don’t sell yourself short. You are a _very_ attractive man,” he whispered. “I love everything about you. Your mind is sensational, your body is exceptional, and your love is endless.”

“Because I have a family who loves me,” Peter said softly. “My husband and children have shaped me into the man I am right now.” He stroked Neal’s hair back while Neal continued to gently splash water at their babies. “I’d be nothing without my four loves.”

Neal shifted back a bit to kiss his husband tenderly. “Merry Christmas,” he whispered. “You’ve made every holiday so much fun for me and Nick.”

Peter grinned. “Merry Christmas, honey.” He wrapped his arms around Neal’s waist, resting his forehead against Neal’s hair. He loved holidays now because he had his family to celebrate them with. He has a lover to share the experience with and their children to entertain and satisfy. Christmas and birthdays were his favorite because he could celebrate the people he loves most and gift them in unique ways. He was already planning on doing something sweet for Neal’s birthday in a few months—after celebrating Nicky’s birthday in February and the twins’ first birthday in the beginning of March.

First things first, he wanted to make the New Year special for his family.


	39. Chapter 39

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal makes a decision that he and Nicky are struggling with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to apologize for not updating this story as often as I used to. I've been really lacking in motivation to finish this and I considered putting it on hiatus for a while, too.

Neal and Michael were standing outside of the safe house in the back with their hands in their pockets. They could see their breaths as they breathed in the chilly weather. Neither of them knew what to say to each other. Things were going to come to a halt soon as far as Neal was concerned.

“You’re truly sure you want to go through with this?” Michael asked softly, glancing at his older brother warily. “I mean, things here… They’ll be chaotic for a little while.”

“Yes, I’m sure,” Neal whispered, staring out at his son and Trent playing in the snow. “Nick knows, but I can’t tell Peter,” he said sadly, meeting his brother’s gaze. “This is what’s going to be best for them, Mike. I love them and I don’t want to put them in danger anymore.” He closed his eyes, listening to his son laugh. “He’s going to make it as realistic as he can to convince Peter.”

Michael nodded, lifting his left hand out of his pocket to rest it on Neal’s back. It was New Year’s Eve and they were talking about something they’d been planning since shortly before they all had to leave for the safe houses. “How do you know Peter will buy it? He’s going to be all over you the second it happens.”

Neal smiled faintly, his sadness touching his eyes now. “I have that worked out already. I…did some research.” Michael turned to face Neal entirely, giving him a curious look. “I did it for my own purposes, but I did it because I had to explain to him,” he said, nodding towards his son. “He promised me that he’ll be there for Peter and I feel terrible for putting this on my own son, but he… He offered and I wasn’t about to tell him not to. Peter’s his poppa. He loves Peter as much as he loves me.”

“I understand,” Michael whispered. “What are you going to do…after?”

“After I…? Or when I come back?”

“When you come back.”

Neal straightened up, frowning. He’d thought about that a lot in the last few weeks. He was going to rip his husband’s heart right out of his chest and, essentially, stomp all over it. It made him feel like a terrible person, but he had a team behind the scenes working this through to bring it to fruition. He had several people in his circle to help him. Peter, Peter’s parents, and some of their closest friends—including Mozzie—were kept out of the plan. He’d brainstormed with Michael first and then he’d slowly brought Nicky into the conversation because he knew his son wouldn’t be able to handle this without warning. Thus far, Nicky had been very cooperative and Neal was thankful for that. It made his job a little easier only because he knew he’d have someone to protect Peter. “I’ll… I’m going to ruin my marriage. I don’t know if Peter will ever talk to me again after this.” Michael nodded slowly, sympathizing for his brother. “I’m not going to take sole custody of our children. They’re still our children, but I can guarantee that he’ll leave me. There’s no questioning that because I’m going to betray him in the worst way possible.”

Michael rubbed Neal’s back and Neal wrapped his arm around Michael’s waist, leaning against him for comfort. “I think he’ll forgive you in time. You’re doing this with the best of intentions and I think he’ll see that. Nicky did.”

“Nicky knows that this isn’t real. Peter doesn’t,” he whispered. “He’ll never be able to trust me again, Mike. I’m going to lose my husband and I truly hate myself for doing this to him, but I need to d it.”

“If he truly loves you, he’ll forgive you,” Michael assured him. “You’ve been married for, shit, almost four years? You’ve been married for four of the six years you’ve been together, Neal. He knows you—that you’d do anything to keep him safe.” Neal cringed inwardly, hating when anyone ever mentioned _that._ To this day, Peter still blamed himself for what Craig had initially done to Neal. Neal would never regret giving himself up in exchange for Peter, but Peter would never forgive himself for being unable to stop Craig from raping Neal. “Hell, I think he’ll be relieved in the end.”

Neal laughed mirthlessly, blinking back tears. “We’ll see,” he whispered. “I know he’s not an abusive man, but I’m going to beg him to hit me the moment I come back. He’s such a sweetheart, but I’m going to be such an asshole.”

Michael shook his head silently. “Peter’s a good man. He’ll understand, Neal. I can’t imagine how hard this is going to be on you, being away from your family for only God knows how long.”

The older man inhaled sharply, lifting his hand to rub his eyes. “I’m going to be alone for a while, but I’m going to kill Peter. Peter has done so much for me and I’m stabbing him right in the back.” He breathed shakily, trying to keep himself under a moderate amount of control. “I want to make the rest of our time together count, but I… I don’t know what he’ll think when he realizes I lied to him. I’ve never gone out of my way to lie to Peter, so the thought of it is killing me in such an agonizingly slow way.”

He was beginning to loathe himself in the worst way. Everything he’d been planning was about to happen and he had no way of knowing for sure how Peter was going to react to it all in the heat of the moment and in the end. He wanted to make the most out of the time he still had, but he didn’t know how he could do that to Peter. After everything Peter had done for him, this was horrible. His reasons were his own and he was trying his best to keep his family safe.

In the end, he hoped Peter would forgive him.

•◊•

“Hon?” Peter asked as he stepped into bathroom where Neal had holed himself up for a few hours. “Hey, are you okay?” Neal glanced at his husband in the mirror, forcing a small smile.

He nodded and turned around. “Yeah, babe.”

Peter held his arms out and Neal went directly to him, wrapping his arms around his husband. “We’ll be home soon, honey,” Peter whispered. “I don’t know how long it’ll take, but we’ll find that bastard and bring him down. As soon as I know you’re safe, we’ll pack up and go.” Neal smiled faintly, nodding against Peter silently. “I love you, baby, so much.”

“I love you just as much, Superman,” Neal whispered, kissing Peter’s jaw. “I’ll love you this much every single day for the rest of my life.”

The older man smiled, rubbing Neal’s back. “To commit to loving a person for five minutes is easy. To commit to loving a person for the rest of your life, after you have met them, is a strong commitment,” Peter whispered near Neal’s ear, feeling his husband’s love wash over him. He could feel Neal’s heart pounding and he just knew he and Neal were meant to last forever. “But when you commit to loving a person before you meet them and for the rest of your life, you have made the strongest commitment one can make to a relationship.”

“Tom Houck,” Neal whispered, squeezing Peter gently. “To say that one waits a lifetime for his soulmate to come around is a paradox,” he said. “People eventually get sick of waiting, take a chance on someone, and by the art of commitment become soulmates, which takes a lifetime to perfect.”

Both men pulled away from each other, staring at the other’s face lovingly. “Criss Jami,” Peter said just before he lifted both hands to caress the sides of Neal’s face, only to kiss him passionately. Neal held Peter’s hips, loving the way Peter rubbed his thumbs over Neal’s cheekbones. They parted for breath and Peter’s breathing was frantic. “I _need_ you,” he whispered fiercely.

“Take me,” Neal breathed. “I’m yours.”

Peter let go of his husband, moving to shut the bathroom door. He locked it and began to strip himself out of his clothes. He could hear Neal’s clothing dropping to the floor behind him and he turned around once he was done to see his husband in all his glory. It took his breath away, the sight of his husband so exposed and beautiful.

He was in front of Neal a moment later, whispering, “I’m so lucky to have a man as beautiful and wonderful as you.” Neal smiled softly at him, rubbing Peter’s chest.

“As lucky as I am to have such a loving and exceptional husband,” Neal whispered in response.

Peter held Neal’s hand in one of his, reaching up towards the bar over the bathtub to grab a towel. He let go of Neal’s hand long enough to lay the towel out on the floor. Neal immediately sank down to the floor, shifting around until he was lying on his back, staring up at Peter. Peter was standing over him, smiling lovingly at the only man he has ever wanted.

The older man lowered himself to the floor, positioning himself between Neal’s legs. He rubbed Neal’s thighs, wishing he could find all the right words to say to his husband in that moment. He wanted to tell Neal how much he means to him, how much he loves him, and how grateful he is to have him. Words failed him and all he could manage was a genuine smile, which reflected in Neal’s expression.

The time they spent partaking in foreplay was magical to both men. Neal found it amazing how his heart could be pounding when Peter had only gone so far as to suck on his neck. Whenever Peter did such slow, sweet things, he found himself loving this man more. Peter was the only man he’d ever been with who respected him, cherished him, and treated him like the sensitive man he is. Peter never once took advantage of their relationship, marriage, or feelings. He was as genuine as Neal and Neal loved that.

When their bodies finally connected, it felt like fireworks went off in both of their minds. Peter was hovering over his husband, staring into his eyes, as Neal threaded his fingers through Peter’s hair. Neal felt fantastic as Peter moved inside of him very slowly. Something this slow may seem agonizing to some, but it meant a great deal to Neal. “You are the love of my life,” Peter whispered as he leaned down to capture his husband’s lips.

Neal moaned into their kiss as Peter made such slow and sweet love to him. In light of everything he’d spoken to Michael about earlier, this is how he wanted every moment with Peter to count. He didn’t want to upset his husband, argue with him, or spend a lot of time away from him. He wanted to be right where he was. Lying beneath his husband was where he felt he belonged because Peter protected him and kept him safe even as they made love together. “And you’re mine,” Neal said softly, trying to make sure he was quiet. They had several people in the safe house who could easily walk over to the door and figure out what was going on in the bathroom if they stayed there long enough.

Tears slid down the sides of Neal’s face, dripping into his hair, as he smiled at Peter. “I love you,” Peter whispered to him, saying it in such a way that Neal’s heart skipped several beats.

Peter’s thrusts into Neal became a little stronger the longer they were together. He was still very passionate while he did it and that’s one of the many reasons why Neal loved being intimate with the older man. “I love you, too,” Neal said as Peter lifted his upper body, holding him close. He kissed Peter’s cheek, gritting his teeth a little as Peter brought him nearer to his climax. His arms were wrapped around Peter’s neck and he could feel Peter’s breath in his bare shoulder.

When they finally came, it was together and it was so passionate and intense. They couldn’t move away from each other. They didn’t even move at all. They held each other close, taking a few moments to silently appreciate having the other man. Peter believed he’d won a fortune as he listened to his husband’s erratic breathing and Neal felt that he’d won the lottery ten times over while Peter kissed his jaw line ever so lightly.

It had been such a beautiful experience, one of the top twenty for sure. Peter was always so sweet and so very passionate. Neal knew a good thing when he saw it and he was able to do more than just _see_ it. He could feel how good this was between them, how close they are in more than just proximity. Peter’s heart was beating in synchronization with his own and he knew that this was the perfect way to spend precious time with his husband.

Unfortunately, he knew that all good things must come to an end—and he was the one who would bring about that end even if it were only meant to be temporary.

•◊•

“Dad?” Neal glanced at his son in question. Nicky came to sit beside him, watching as Neal gently rocked Joey to sleep. “How, uh… How are you doing?” he whispered. Peter was in the kitchenette with his parents and Brie was standing behind him, gripping his pant leg. Nicky took advantage of the distance between his fathers, leaning against his daddy.

Neal smiled sadly at his little boy who wasn’t so little anymore. “I’m okay, Nick. This…isn’t easy,” he whispered, sounding like he felt awful. In truth, he was feeling that way. Nicky could understand that as well and he was doing his best to let this play out without wrecking his father’s plan. “You’re going to take good care of poppa, right?” he asked as his eyes watered.

Nicky nodded. “I’d do anything for you, daddy, and I know poppa’s going to need me.”

Glancing over at his husband, Neal agreed. “He’s really going to need you.” He returned his gaze to his son, leaning over to kiss his temple. “Uncle Mike is going to send you a text when I’m awake again. I’ve asked him to keep you in the loop. I can’t text you. Poppa’s going to get all of my stuff afterwards.” Nicky nodded, looking down at his hands that he was wringing together. “Everything will be okay, Nicky. I told you why I’m doing this.”

“I know, daddy,” he whispered. “I’m worried about poppa—and you and poppa.” Neal’s brows furrowed. “Is poppa going to take you back?”

Neal was silent for a moment, his eyes flickering over to his husband. “I honestly don’t know,” he whispered. “I desperately hope he will, but he’s going to be furious.” Nicky leaned against his father’s arm, closing his eyes. “Things will be a little rough between us, but we should be okay. Your poppa is a good man and I know he loves me a lot.”

“How long is this going to last?”

“I promise I’ll be back before your birthday.” He smiled faintly at his son when Nicky looked up at him. “I promise, baby boy.” Nicky nodded sadly, glancing at his poppa. “That’s why I need you to be my little man while I’m gone. Poppa and I have only been apart for two weeks at the most. This…will be well over a month.” Neal could see that this was hurting his son and it made his heart wrench. He didn’t want to do this to Nicky, but everything was already set to happen. He couldn’t back out now. This had been his idea and he was going to follow through with it. Whether he came back to his husband’s loving arms or not, he was going to do this. He had enough people working with him to succeed in his mission and one of them is able to directly contact Craig, which will lead him right into their trap over time.

Nicky sniffled and Neal frowned, carefully moving his right arm to wrap it around Nicky. “I don’t want poppa to hate you,” he whispered miserably. “I don’t want you guys to leave each other. I need you both.”

Neal hushed him gently, rubbing his arm. “It’s okay, baby. Poppa and I aren’t going to do anything that’ll hurt you or the babies. We’ll work through this together.” He was hopeful that he and Peter would be able to work through this together. Six years together made him hopeful and he believed he knew his husband well enough to know that Peter would eventually forgive him. “Things between him and I aren’t going to affect how we raise you three. We’re still going to live together, I hope.”

“Will you and poppa share a room?”

“I don’t know,” Neal whispered. He knew his relationship with Peter was important to Nicky—almost as important as it was to him. Nicky fell in love with Peter when he was nine years old. He’d grown very attached to both of his fathers even though Peter had come into his life so late in the game. Regardless, Peter was here and here to stay now. “We might not at first,” he said sadly, keeping his eyes on Nicky. “Don’t worry about me and poppa, okay? We’ve had several big problems over the years and we’ve worked through them all. This is no different than any of those times.” Except for the fact that it _was._ He was trying to assure his son that his marriage wasn’t going to fall to pieces in the aftermath, but he could guarantee nothing.

He knew Peter would never do or say anything in front of the kids. Peter isn’t the kind of man to scream at Neal in front of them. Hell, he was never angry enough to scream at him in general. Yell a little, yes, but he usually got himself under control before he could concern Nicky. After a short outburst or two, Peter was able to talk to Neal quietly. He was sensitive about their kids’ feelings, especially Nicky’s.

“What if he tries to date someone else? What am I supposed to do, daddy?”

“Hey,” Neal breathed. “Baby boy, your poppa loves me a _lot._ When we got together, we knew there would be no one else for either of us.” Nicky looked doubtful, like he was truly afraid that Peter would try to find another man to be with. “We’re soulmates, Nick. He’s not going to find someone else. He wouldn’t be able to. I wouldn’t either. I love him as much as he loves me. Even if I’m gone, he’d never try to find anyone else.”

Things were quiet for a while as all of the adults moved around to set food up for later that night. It was the beginning of a new year and they were all really hopeful for the upcoming year. Peter was making a taco salad that Neal taught him to make a few years ago and Nicky went into the kitchenette with him. He stood beside Peter silently until Peter glanced down at him, resting a hand on his back. “Hey, kiddo. Are you okay?” Nicky nodded slowly. “Nick, what’s wrong?” He knew his son was upset and it was obvious that he wanted to talk. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have gone to stand beside Peter knowing that Peter would eventually notice.

Nicky glanced up at Peter. “Would you ever leave daddy?”

Peter’s brows furrowed. “No. Never.”

The teenager’s eyes watered and Peter stopped what he was doing, immediately giving Nicky all of his attention. “If daddy died, would you marry someone else?”

“No. Your dad is the only man I want. If I lost him, there would never be another man in my life—except you and Joey, of course.” He added a teasing smile and it made Nicky crack a smile for a moment. “What’s brought this on, buddy?”

Nicky shrugged. “I had a nightmare, poppa.”

Peter nodded, lifting his hand to card his fingers through Nicky’s floppy hair. “Don’t worry. I’m not going to let anything happen to daddy. I love him to death and there could never be another man for me.”

“Promise?”

“I promise,” Peter whispered. “Daddy is my heart and soul. I’ve been with him through a lot and he’s—” He glanced at his husband, watching him play with Brie quietly while Joey slept. Focusing on his son, he smiled at Nicky. “After falling in love with your father, there can never be anyone else for me. I’d never date anyone else or remarry. That, I can guarantee.”

Nicky looked a little hurt and Peter couldn’t understand why. “How do you know? What if you’re walking down the block one day and you see a really attractive guy?”

Peter took Nicky’s hands in his own, squeezing them. “No one will ever be as attractive as dad. I can’t look at another man the way I look at him. I promise, Nick. If something were to happen to dad, I wouldn’t even try to find someone to replace him.” He smiled sadly, wishing he hadn’t been asked to have this conversation. He hated thinking something might take Neal from him forever. “Your father is a very irreplaceable man. He’s one in a million.” He pulled Nicky against him, hugging him. “What dad and I have together is special. I know damn well that I can never find what I have with him with someone else. The way I feel about your dad will never go away. He _is_ the love of my life.”

The teenager hugged Peter tightly. He knew he was going to wreck all of this for his dad if he kept this up, but he wanted to make sure Peter wouldn’t leave his father—ever. He knew his dad would never leave Peter no matter what happened. They could fight over anything or everything and Neal might leave for a little while to clear his head, but he always came back and they always worked things out. “I love you, poppa,” he whispered.

“I love you, too, little buddy.” Nicky smiled sadly against Peter. He loved that Peter called him his little buddy. He’d done that years ago and it still stuck to this day. There hadn’t been another man who would have loved him the way Peter does. He’d met a couple of his father’s ex-boyfriends or one night stand-ins when Neal had been asleep and he didn’t like any of them. He remembered being six, waking up to his father making painful noises.

He’d gone over to his door as quietly as he could and pushed it open just enough to peek out and he’d seen a man behind his father. At the time, he didn’t understand why his dad was bent over the way he had been on his bed. Now that he was older, he knew what that man had been doing to his father. He’d called his dad a ‘little whore’ and continued to rock against him.

Nicky remembered crying when he backed up into his room. He wanted to stop that man from hurting his father, but he’d been afraid. If that man was hurting his dad, he felt like he’d get hurt, too. So he’d waited in his bedroom, listening to the sounds they’d made until it was really quiet. He’d gotten curious, thinking the man had finally left. Leaving his room, he’d gone out to check on his dad—only to see the man pulling a shirt over his head as he finished dressing. He’d seen Nicky then and looked disgusted. “Poor kid,” he remembered the man saying. “Your daddy’s really pathetic. I hope you grow up to be more of a man than he is.” That man left shortly afterwards and Nicky had crawled into Neal’s bed, getting under the blanket to curl up against him.

Remembering that, he was able to recognize how perfect Peter is. Peter would never walk away from Neal if they’d had a one night stand and Nicky was absolutely certain of that. He’d reflected on the night he’d woken up to his dad crying out. He hadn’t been willing enough to see who was hurting his dad then because he thought his dad was done with other men. He hadn’t known that it was Peter who was out there with his father then. He’d met Peter before, but it wasn’t until the next morning—his birthday—that he really spoke to Peter.

He’d been confused, wondering why Peter hadn’t left his father in the middle of the night and, being that he was a naïve nine year old, he asked Peter, “Why are you still here?”

Peter had no idea why Nicky asked him that at the time, but he’d admitted then that he felt very deeply for Neal in the most basic of terms. They’d talked for a little while before waking Neal up that morning. That morning had been when he began to love Peter. He could see that Peter cared and the way he’d talked to Nicky then had been nothing like the way that man had spoken to Nicky when he was six years old.

“Nick,” Peter whispered, drawing Nicky out of his reverie. Nicky backed up, glancing up at Peter’s face. “I love you, your brother, and your sister so much. I would never try to replace your daddy—never.”

Nicky nodded, smiling appreciatively at Peter. “You’re awesome, poppa. I hope you know that.” He knew Peter’s self-esteem was low, but it wasn’t nearly as low as Neal’s. Peter had his moments when he believed he was failing as a father and Nicky tried to do everything he could to make sure Peter was aware that he was influencing him. He loved Peter years ago and still loved him to this day.

Peter actually blushed as he smiled and Nicky giggled. “I do know that,” Peter whispered. “Thanks, kiddo.”

The two of them stayed in the kitchenette and Nicky lost himself in his thoughts for a little while before asking, “Poppa, dad was the first guy you dated, right?” Peter nodded. “How did you know you weren’t going to date anybody else?”

“Your dad was going through a lot of rough things when I met him,” Peter said quietly. “I was determined as hell to make sure I got him through it and I think I did a decent job of doing so.” He smiled when Nicky took his right hand. “I was there for him while he was stuck in his low points and I tried my best to pull him out of them as quickly and easily as I could. Every time I saved him, I loved him more. Your daddy is a very, very sweet and sensitive man.” Nicky nodded, smiling softly at his poppa. “I wanted nothing more than to prove to him that he’s lovable, that he deserves unconditional love, and I wanted to be the one to keep him happy.”

Nicky intertwined his fingers with Peter’s. He could listen to Peter and Neal talk about their love for each other any day of the week. His dad was never happier with another man than he was with Peter. “I loved you when I saw you kiss my daddy.” He felt like this was a good conversation to have with Peter considering what was going to happen very soon. His fathers were going to hit a very rough patch in their relationship when this was all over, but Neal desperately wanted to make sure this was all over. He’d come back to his husband and his children as soon as he knew they would be safe. That was his plan and that was what he intended to do.

Later that night, all of the adults and kids were sitting close together. Michael, Trent, Jon, and Hannah were on the couch and Nicky’s head was on Hannah’s lap while she stroked his hair, smiling softly at her grandson. Trent was sitting near Nicky with Nicky’s legs on him. Neal and Peter were sitting on the floor, each holding one of the twins. The television was set to show them Times Square so they could watch the ball drop to kick off the new year.

Neal felt sick to his stomach, seeing how happy his husband was right beside him. He wasn’t lying when he said that this was going to be his worst betrayal. It hurt like hell to know he was going to destroy his husband. The only mercy he gave himself was that he wouldn’t have to watch Peter fall apart without him. He kept his eyes on Peter even as the kids, Jon, and Hannah began to count down from ten. As soon as the ball dropped, Peter leaned over and kissed Neal passionately. Their eyes closed as they absorbed each other’s love. When they parted, their eyes slowly opened. “Happy New Year, baby,” he whispered.

“Happy New Year, my love,” Neal said quietly, leaning against his husband. Jon and Hannah were sharing a similar kiss and Neal knew Mike was wishing he’d brought Mel along with him. She was in on everything and she stayed at the other safe house because she understood that Michael needed a little bit of time alone with his brother. Before all of this was set to go down, he knew Neal would need one-on-one time to let at least some of his anxiety out.

Trent took Nicky’s hand, squeezing it gently. “Happy New Year, Nicky.” Nicky sat up and scooted over to hug Trent, whispering the same in kind. Trent hugged both Neal and Peter a few moments later, smiling at Jon and Hannah as h wished them a Happy New Year as well.

Nicky kissed his uncle and grandparents, saying the same thing, before getting on the floor to kiss his fathers as well. Even as he sat beside Peter, Neal’s eyes were on Nicky. He knew this was taking a great toll on his son. Michael hugged Peter and Peter’s parents before taking a seat beside his brother, hugging him as well. Neal held Peter’s right hand in his left tightly while Michael held Neal’s right hand in order to give him some comfort. Peter’s arm was wrapped around Nicky and Nicky was leaning against Peter with his eyes closed.

The New Year was immediately going to go to hell and Neal regretted that.


	40. Chapter 40

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter witnesses his worst nightmare.

“You’re absolutely certain that he’ll be there?” Neal asked quietly, watching his breath drift in front of him as a light gust of air.

Michael sighed on the other end of the phone. “ _Yes, Neal. I got the confirmation that everything is going down tonight. Are you going to be ready?_ ”

“No,” Neal whispered, “but I have to be.” He walked down the stairway a bit, glancing back at the safe house. It was six in the morning and he’d been unable to go to sleep, so he’d laid beside Peter and watched him sleep until his phone went off. “I thought I’d have a little more time.”

“ _You’ve had plenty of time and you know there isn’t going to be an official goodbye. I think I forgot to ask before, but how long does it take before you’re unconscious?_ ”

Neal closed his eyes. “Three minutes. I’ll have enough time to drop, let Peter chase him for a moment, and tell him I love him.”

Michael was quiet for a moment. “ _How long will you be out?_ ”

“Four hours.”

“ _Will that be enough time?_ ”

Neal was angry for a split second. “That’s on your end, Mike. I’m not going to be awake until it wears off and then I’ll be groggy at best.”

Michael sighed. “ _We’ll get Peter out of there and home to the kids quickly. You’ll be moved exactly as you wanted._ ”

“And tomorrow…”

“ _Yes. Did you tell Nick?_ ”

“No. I didn’t tell him that part. I’ll tell him when he wakes up.” The door opened behind him and he tried to pretend he wasn’t startled. “I’ve got to go, Mikey. You take care, okay?”

Michael made a sound of agreement. “ _See you later, Neal._ ”

Neal hung up and turned to face his groggy-looking husband. “Good morning, my gorgeous man,” he whispered, smiling at the older man as he went back up the stairway.

“Get in here,” he murmured. “Too cold.” Neal chuckled, nodding. He went back into the safe house with his husband, being careful so as not to get snow on his husband’s bare feet. “What were you doing outside? It’s almost seven-thirty now.”

Neal took his jacket off, hanging it up as he shut the door simultaneously. “I was talking to Mike,” he said quietly while removing his boots. “I didn’t want to wake you up.”

Peter grunted and Neal wrapped his arms around his husband. “You woke me up by not being in bed with me.” Neal closed his eyes, listening to Peter breathe. Peter inhaled Neal’s vanilla scent, loving it. It was just so _Neal._ “I always have my hand on your belly. I don’t like waking up with it on the mattress.”

“I know, babe,” Neal said softly. “Do you want to cuddle? It’s still early. The little ones shouldn’t be awake for another hour at the very least.” Peter nodded and Neal couldn’t help chuckling again. He wanted so badly to make the most of his time with Peter. “Lay down, you big teddy bear,” he said endearingly as he led Peter back to the bed they were sharing.

Peter plopped down onto the bed, scooting back to give Neal room. Neal laid down beside him, pressing his back against Peter’s chest. “You keep me warm,” Peter whispered as he pulled Neal a little closer. Neal grinned when Peter rubbed his stomach. It was a little joke between the two of them that’s lasted over the years. Despite Peter’s declaration that they’re both men in this relationship, he always teased Neal with the idea of getting Neal pregnant. He liked pretending that he had gotten Neal pregnant and they had their three babies together. Peter loves all three of their children regardless, but he liked the little fantasy he created. Pretending their kids shared his and Neal’s DNA made him a little happier. He would never consider Nicky his step-son for that reason alone. Nicky is so much more than a step-anything. As far as Peter was concerned, he impregnated Neal with Nicky and they had him together. Nicky is his _son._ He considered the teenager his baby just as Neal does.

Neal rested his hand over Peter’s as Peter’s hand moved on his stomach. “And you keep me happy,” he said in response. “You’ve always kept me happy.” Peter kissed his shoulder before nuzzling his face into Neal’s hair.

“That’s my purpose in life,” Peter murmured. He threw a leg over Neal’s legs and the younger man made a small giggling sound. Peter surprised him by tickling him. He thrashed around a little, smacking Peter’s hand.

“Peter!” he whispered, trying to keep himself quiet.

Neal turned over and rolled on top of Peter. Peter proceeded to roll them again, getting Neal beneath him. Neal grinned up at him, loving when Peter played with him like that. Deep down, he was still a little kid, and he knew that Peter loved to bring that side of him out. He hadn’t had enough time to live like a kid, so Peter and Nicky were giving him moments when he could pretend. Before Peter, he’d never been tickled before in his life. He’d gone through a lot more than that and he hated all of it. Anything Peter ever did was usually sweet, funny, or a combination of both.

“Hi, beautiful,” Peter said softly, smiling at his husband. He leaned down just enough to kiss Neal, kissing him slowly and lovingly. He knew something had been bothering Neal for quite some time and he couldn’t figure out what it was. He didn’t want to pester Neal until Neal told him because he knew Neal hated being pressured into talking. Neal would open up when he was ready to as Peter had learned over the years. He just wanted to do all that he could to make Neal happy and help him forget about whatever was hurting him inside.

Peter felt the tip of Neal’s tongue against his lips and he conceded, allowing Neal entrance. Neal’s tongue moved around Peter’s mouth slowly and Peter eventually tried to suck on it. That feeling went straight to Neal’s cock and Peter was proud of himself for turning his husband on simply by using his own tongue.

They parted for breath and Neal smiled wryly at his husband, whispering, “You play dirty, Burke.”

Peter almost said ‘you _are_ dirty,’ but he felt that Neal might take it out of context considering his past. He loved when they talked dirty to each other in bed, but he refrained from outright saying that Neal himself was ‘dirty.’ “Because I know you like it that way,” he said. “You’re a little sex demon deep down in that pool of sexiness.”

Neal’s face heated up immensely as he appreciated what he assumed was a compliment. “I’ve only been that way with you—because of you,” Neal said, leaning up to peck his husband’s lips. “You’ve made me who I am right now.”

“I’m very proud of myself then,” Peter whispered. “I’ve made such a beautiful man.” He kissed Neal again, smiling when he pulled away. “Nicky and I spoke the other night.” Neal’s heart froze as he nodded. “Did he talk to you about his nightmare?”

“No. Is he okay?”

Peter laid down beside Neal, resting his hand on Neal’s chest. “He told me he saw you die.” Neal’s lips parted in horror. “He asked me if I’d ever try to fall in love with another man if you died. Every time I look at you, my heart pounds, Neal. I told him that there can’t be another man for me.” He rubbed Neal’s chest slowly, smiling at him. “I’ve found the only man I can ever love. You’re irreplaceable, Neal. I hope you know that I’d never fall in love again if something were to happen to you.”

Neal nodded. “I do know that,” he whispered, “and I hope you know I’d act in kind. There will never be another man as perfect as you. I can’t imagine myself with anybody else because I’ve got everything I’ve ever wanted all rolled up into a single man.” Peter grinned at him. He always loved when Neal said things like that because he always feared he wasn’t doing enough to keep his husband happy and he felt that his only purpose in life now was to keep Neal happy, healthy, and alive with his immense amount of love. “You’re the poppa of the house. No one can ever replace poppa.”

“No one can ever replace daddy either,” Peter said softly. He laughed quietly, sliding his hand up to stroke the side of Neal’s face. “I don’t care how many fights we’ve had in our relationship, there’s no one I’d rather spend my life with. There’s no one else I’d want to raise children with. There’s no other man on this entire planet who could ever mean to me what you mean to me.”

Neal’s eyes watered as he smiled at his husband. “You know I love my son so much,” he whispered. “I’d do anything for my baby and I love him to death. The moment you committed yourself to me, you committed to him, too. I trust you with his life, Peter. You gave me all the reason in the world to trust you and I know he trusted you from the start as well.” He closed his eyes as Peter thumbed his tears away. “You gave me hope and showed me that there is such a thing as true love. I didn’t believe in it for so long. I always felt like I’d end up alone for the rest of my life, but then you flew in and swept me off my feet, Superman.”

Peter loved the way Neal looked at him the moment he opened his eyes again. “I can never ever love anyone the way I love you. I’d be lying if I said I could transfer my feelings for you to another man. It’s impossible.” Neal leaned closer, kissing his husband tenderly. When they parted, they pressed their foreheads together, breathing shakily in synchronization with the other. “You’re my husband, my lover, my soulmate… You’re my best friend, Neal George. If I ever even attempted to replace you, I could never forgive myself.”

Neal damned his husband for being so sweet and affectionate. His loving husband was making all of this so much harder on him. Their feelings were genuine, but Neal’s were covering his guilt and absolute despair. He hated himself for conjuring up this insane idea of his, but he knew this would greatly benefit his husband in the end—provided he ever forgave Neal for this. “I love you, Peter Michael, so very much. No one else can make me feel this way. No one else can make me love them and trust them so much on a daily basis. I don’t care how hard they try. No one can ever measure up to the man I’ve married. No one can ever be Peter Michael Burke except for the beautiful man himself.”

Peter chuckled, feeling himself getting a little emotional as well. “Oh, honey…” He wrapped his arms around Neal, holding him closely and tightly. “You know how religious I am,” he said sarcastically. Neal laughed, nodding. “I’m being honest when I say I’ve thanked God for giving you to me every single day since the moment I met you. Only he could make someone as beautiful, sensitive, sweet, loving, and caring as you. There’s no way in hell anyone as beautiful as you could actually love me without God’s intervention.”

The younger man smacked his husband’s chest. “You’re my guardian angel, remember? He might have created me to be this creature you’ve described, but he made you for me, too.” Peter blinked back tears as he lifted his hand to stroke Neal’s hair. “You’ve protected me, guided me, and taught me so much in the last six years. There has never been a moment when I’ve told myself I want a refund. Never could I ever ask for someone better than you.”

Both men held each other lovingly as they kissed passionately, absorbing their unconditional, undying love. Neither of them felt like they’d ever been so lucky in their lives before falling in love with the other man. Their love is such a beautiful tragedy that Neal vowed he would someday return to its sole beauty. He’d get rid of the tragedy over time and make their love beautiful again. He would never stop trying to do so because Peter was worth all of the effort he could ever put into it or anything else. Peter deserved that amount of dedication no matter what.

•◊•

Peter stood behind Neal with his arms wrapped around the younger man’s waist. His chin was on Neal’s shoulder and he was listening to Neal hum songs they both loved. He’d much rather hear his husband sing, but this was just as good. He wanted to hold onto Neal even as Neal cooked dinner for them all. Their conversation earlier led to a very passionate lovemaking session right there on the bed and Neal was beating himself up about it internally. “I love you,” Peter whispered, kissing that sensitive spot Neal loved having kissed.

Neal grinned, lifting his left hand to stroke the side of Peter’s face. “As much as I love you, babe.”

“Nah.” Neal raised an eyebrow. “I love you more than you love me,” he teased.

Neal made a thoughtful sound, turning just enough to kiss his husband’s jaw. “And I thought I’d proven myself whilst I blew you earlier. From what I recall, I very nearly had you screaming my name before you even came—and you ended up coming inside of me five minutes later,” he whispered, grinning when Peter’s arms tightened around him.

Peter nipped at Neal’s neck, murmuring, “You’re really, really good at that. Like, El never gave me blowjobs as beautifully done as you do.” Neal laughed and Peter grinned. “You have effort and love behind everything you do with me. That’s one thing I’ve always loved about you. We’ve never been able to enjoy anything sexual unless we knew our hearts were in it.”

“You’ve never failed to prove that to me,” Neal said softly. “I’ve never felt this good about making love before you—and that’s probably because I’d never experienced it.”

“So, in some way, I took your virginity.”

Neal burst into laughter and Peter smiled wryly at him. “Yes, darling. I never made love before I met you, so you took that virginity from me. I gave it to you willingly because I trusted you and you haven’t once let me down since then.”

“Seriously? Sexy talk while cooking? Good lord, boys.” Peter and Neal both snickered a bit. Neal, as per usual, was a little embarrassed by being overheard by Peter’s father, but they were all men and they all understood their own sexual urges with their respective partners.

Peter kissed Neal’s neck before straightening up only to look at his father. He kept his arms around Neal, unwilling to release him just yet. “We weren’t talking about doing it again,” he clarified. “We were talking about the past.”

Jon shook his head, patting Peter’s back. “I feel a little bad for your poor husband.” Neal glanced at the man he considered a father, raising an eyebrow. Jon met Neal’s gaze and winked at him as he said, “Peter must rough you up just enough to keep you coming back for more.”

Both Peter and Jon laughed when Neal’s face became bright red. “Very funny.” He smacked Peter’s left hip, murmuring, “You’re an ass.”

Peter slid his right arm around Neal’s waist, startling his husband by grabbing his ass. Jon turned away, rolling his eyes. “You’ve got a nice ass,” Peter whispered.

Neal glanced over his shoulder, meeting Peter’s gaze. Peter leaned just enough to kiss the younger man, returning his hand to its original positioning in front of Neal. “Dinner’s ready,” he called out a moment later.

“I’m gonna eat you up,” Peter whispered seductively, biting Neal’s shoulder playfully.

“Oh, my God,” Neal whispered, unable to contain his responsive shiver of pleasure. “Peter Michael,” he hissed. Peter chuckled, quickly licking Neal’s neck before backing off to grab a plate for each of them.

Neal dished out dinner for husband, son, and parents before cutting up some of the macaroni noodles and meat into small pieces to feed to the babies. While he was cutting the twins’ food, Peter came back and stole Neal’s plate. Neal protested for a split second before Peter shook his head, murmuring, “The least I can do is get your own food for you after feeding me, my parents, and our babies.” Neal leaned back a little and Peter kissed him sweetly.

While they were kissing, Peter’s phone went off on the bed they’d been sharing. Peter reluctantly pulled away from Neal, kissing his nose quickly before setting Neal’s plate down on the countertop, heading over to grab the phone. He glanced at the ID and answered. “Hey, Reese. What’s—?” He froze and listened to Reese speak to him on the other end before spinning to stare at his husband, eyes wide. Neal gave him a confused look until Peter said, “I’m on my way right now.” He hung up and shoved his phone into his pocket, rushing over to grab his jacket.

“Peter, what is it?” Neal asked concernedly.

“Reese just told me that he has a lead on Craig’s whereabouts. I’m going there to end that bastard’s miserable life.”

“Not alone, you aren’t,” Neal said. He moved towards Peter to grab his own jacket and Peter gently pushed him back. “Peter, I’m the one he raped,” he whispered. “You can’t sideline me when you’re going to take him down.”

Peter’s eyes hardened as he whispered, “I’m not giving you over to him again. I refuse to allow him to abuse your beautiful body and mind again.” Neal pleaded with his eyes and Peter shook his head. “You’re not going. I’m not risking your life and stability.”

“I can handle this,” Neal insisted. “Peter, you can’t do this. You can’t take this victory from me. You—”

Peter growled, “I can and I will. Your life is important to me, Neal George. I fucking refuse to let him torment you.” Nicky watched his parents, shocked. He’d never seen his poppa so controlling with his dad before. “What he’s done to you has scarred you in more ways than one. I’m not giving him the means of destroying you. I will _not_ let that sick son of a bitch inside of your body again.”

Both men stared at each other. Peter’s face flushed as he calmed down and realized he’d said all of that loud enough for his parents and son to hear. That was only meant for Neal to hear, but he’d lost all sense of control. He wouldn’t allow Craig the opportunity to kidnap and rape his husband a third time.

Neal was silent as he kept his eyes on Peter’s. He was a little hurt that Peter had to say all of that within hearing range of their family, but he understood that Peter hated Craig with such an intense passion and that Peter was willing to go to great lengths to end Craig’s life. “Peter,” he whispered.

Jon neared them, reaching between them to grab his jacket. “Grab your guns. The Burkes are going hunting.” Neal and Peter both stared at Jon incredulously and the older man raised an eyebrow at the boys. “Let’s take him down once and for all.” He met his son’s gaze, whispering, “I’m not going to stand by as that son of a bitch runs around freely. I’m with you both on this.”

”Go ahead,” Hannah insisted. “Nicky and I can take care of the little ones until you get back.”

Peter met Neal’s gaze a moment later, silently begging for Neal to stay. Neal, in turn, was pleading for Peter to let him go. “Fine,” he huffed, “but you aren’t leaving my side for even a second. Understand?”

Neal nodded, giving him a small smile. “I wouldn’t dream of leaving it.”

•◊•

Neal kept his eyes on his husband as he followed him and Jon through a warehouse. They all had their guns in hand. Peter was extremely tense and Jon knew he’d have to watch Peter’s back because Peter was too focused on making sure Neal stayed out of harm’s way. Backup was on the way, but wouldn’t arrive for at least ten to fifteen minutes. “Baby, stay behind me,” Peter said over his shoulder. Neal appreciated that Peter wanted to protect him, but it wasn’t really necessary just yet. He had a timetable in his head, knowing when everything was meant to happen.

They stopped in the center of the warehouse and Peter turned to meet Neal’s gaze. “Funny to see all of the Burke men here.”

“Keller,” Peter growled.

Peter stepped in front of Neal, protecting him. “Hi, Burkey. I’ve been pretty busy at the bureau with your pets.” Peter swallowed hard, struggling to contain his urge to shoot Keller. At this moment in time, he had no reason to kill Keller. Craig was the one they were after. Bringing Neal hadn’t been his choice, but Neal insisted that he go along with Peter. “I’m surprised you brought your little bitch with you.”

Neal glared in Keller’s direction. He hated when Keller called him that because, one, it was very degrading and, two, it pissed Peter off. “I’m not afraid to fight my own battles,” Neal said firmly. “Why don’t you come out of hiding, Keller? We could get this over with pretty quickly if you’d cooperate with us.”

“You’re fun to play with, Neal, but I prefer to play on my own rules with teammates of my choosing.”

“Bad choice,” Peter snapped.

Keller just laughed. “So how many of your lackeys are coming in?”

Peter was furious. He was tired of hearing Keller ridicule Neal. “All of them. You’re going to be surrounded very soon.”

Several guns were cocked and Peter shifted immediately, backing up into Neal. Neal rested a hand on Peter’s back and Jon neared them as well. “Good. It should be a fair fight then.”

“Cover!” Jon yelled, shoving the boys back just as several guns went off. They had no idea how any of the bullets missed them, but they had time to get behind a steel cargo container, crouching. “I can’t tell how many there are, but there’s at least five.”

Laughter echoed as the gunfire continued. Peter occasionally shot up to fire off his gun. He and Jon alternated and Neal tried to get shots off from a different angle, only to have Peter grab his shirt. “Don’t you dare leave me,” he growled. Neal got back down and stayed beside his husband, shooting with him when he was given the opportunity. Jon shifted to get into the position Neal had wanted and he fired from there.

The gunfire stopped abruptly, leaving the three men in hiding breathing heavily. “Maybe they’ve given up,” Neal whispered. He moved and Peter shoved him back. “Peter, I just want to look.”

“You’re asking to be shot, Neal George.”

They could hear footsteps crossing the warehouse and they all held their guns firmly once again. Peter kept his eyes on Neal, silently begging him to stay close. Neal nodded, smiling at him in such a way that meant he was telling Peter he loves him. Peter reciprocated and then he moved to look very carefully around the container. Neal watched him, waiting to see the signal he’d undoubtedly make. Peter motioned for Neal and Jon to follow him. Neal was between the two as they all moved together very tentatively. They were trying to keep their footsteps as quiet as humanly possible.

“Oh, Burkey-Burkey,” Keller called out, sounding like he was calling for a dog to come back to him. Neal could see how tense Peter was and he knew this was all about to go downhill very quickly.

“Neal.” Neal’s heart sped up as he heard Craig’s voice. “Little bastard,” he hissed. “I shot your mommy after torturing the hell out of her.” Jon rested a hand on Neal’s back as Neal trembled. He was doing very well at shoving thoughts of his mother aside. He didn’t want to keep watching her die over and over in his mind. “She begged me to stay away from her precious baby.”

Neal’s jaw set firmly. Peter glanced at him for a split second before snarling, “Stop taunting him. Be a man and fuck off.” Much to Peter’s absolute dismay, Neal charged out into the open and fired his gun. Peter watched his husband, absolutely frozen. He heard a grunt on the other end and then another shot went off and it was _Neal_ who made the sound. His heart stopped as he watched Neal’s body jerk, freeze up, and then his eyes widened and his lips parted. He looked down at his chest before falling backwards, collapsing. His gun hit the floor and Neal made no move to grab it. “ _Neal!_ ” he screamed, running out without a care in the world. He fired randomly in Keller and Craig’s direction. Craig didn’t have a gun from what Peter could see, so it’d been Keller who shot Neal.

Jon darted past him. “Stay with Neal!” he called out as he ran after the two psychopaths. The FBI was finally there and surrounding the area, so they’d back Jon up.

Peter spun quickly, dropping to his knees beside his husband. He let go of his gun and his hands were all over Neal in an instant. “Neal. Neal, baby,” he said frantically. He could see how shallow Neal’s breathing was and there was blood pooling around him. “Honey, you’re going to be okay. I’m not going to let you die.”

Neal gave him a pained smile, whispering, “Too late.”

The older man shook his head, carefully pulling Neal into his arms. Neal cried out quietly and Peter froze. “Baby, I need to get you to a car quickly. You’re not dying. You’re going to be just fine, Neal.”

Peter was dying inside as Neal coughed up a little bit of blood. “P-Peter,” he whispered. His eyes were barely open as he lifted his left hand to touch Peter’s face. He gave him such a small smile. “I… I love you—so much.” Tears welled up in Peter’s eyes as he shook his head. “Not…” He coughed painfully again and his hand fell to the floor limply. “Peter Michael,” he said breathlessly. Peter placed his hand over Neal’s heart, knowing that was where the blood was pooling from. “Thank you—for being with me through it all,” he whispered. “There’s no one else like you, no one else I’d want to be the poppa to our babies.”

“There’s an ambulance coming,” Jon said as he returned. “How is he?”

Peter lifted Neal, holding him against his chest bridal style. “Baby, the ambulance is on its way. You’re gonna make it.” Neal shook his head, closing his eyes. “Neal George, don’t you fucking leave me,” he begged. Blood was still seeping out of Neal’s wound and his breathing became even more erratic.

He lowered Neal, resting him on the floor again. He was getting ready to perform CPR on his husband when Neal’s hand shifted to rest on his. His thumb rubbed the wedding ring on Peter’s hand. “You’re my soulmate,” he whispered as he began to cry as well. “I love you, Peter. I love you.” He coughed and shut his eyes tightly when he’d finished.

“You aren’t allowed to leave me,” Peter said through his teeth as tears clouded his vision. “The kids need their daddy.” Neal just smiled at him a little. He didn’t want to be miserable while Peter was with him in his final moments. “Neal. Baby, I need you,” he said fiercely.

Neal’s eyes were fluttering and Peter stared at him in horror. “K-Kiss me,” he whispered. Peter breathed shakily. He didn’t want his husband to die. He leaned over the younger man and tenderly kissed him, feeling Neal’s lips barely move against his. When he pulled away, he stared into Neal’s dimming eyes. It was like the light in them was actually fading into darkness. “You make me so happy,” he said as he cried. “You’re so perfect, Peter. Don’t forget that.” Peter stroked his husband’s hair, shaking his head.

He was going into denial. He was telling himself this was some cruel joke that reality was playing on him. Neal was paling beneath him and Peter’s heart was breaking. “Neal, I love you. Neal, please,” he pleaded as though Neal could stop his own death. “Please don’t leave me.”

“I love you,” he whispered one last time before his eyes closed and his lips parted. Peter’s entire perception of this was envisioned in slow motion. Even as Neal’s head lolled to the side, it didn’t feel real to Peter, but it _was._

Peter couldn’t move for a moment and then he snapped out of it. He shifted and straddled his husband, leaning over him to give him CPR. He wouldn’t let his husband die. Not today, not tomorrow, not _ever._ Neal wasn’t breathing nor was his chest moving. Peter did compressions and breathed into him repeatedly, knowing deep down that his attempt to revive his husband was in vain. “Don’t you dare leave me,” he sobbed.

He kept trying to resuscitate his lover until he himself was out of breath. Jon rested a hand on Peter’s back, whispering, “I’m so sorry, son.” Tears slid down Jon’s face as he’d watched his son try desperately to bring Neal back.

Peter shook his head, lifting his hands to wipe his tear trails away. “He’s not dead. He can’t be dead,” he said hysterically. “Neal, wake up,” he begged. He caressed the sides of Neal’s face and stared at him, waiting for Neal’s lips to curve into that teasing smile he loved. He wanted Neal to sit up and scare the hell out of him. That would be so much better than _this._ “Baby, you can’t leave me. You promised me you’d stay with me.” He sobbed harder, his right hand curling into a fist. “You bastard,” he growled. “Open your eyes. Laugh at me. Come on.”

Jon watched his son. He couldn’t even begin to imagine how Peter felt in that moment, but he’d never seen Peter like this before. “Peter,” Jon whispered. “Peter, he’s gone.”

“No!” Peter snarled. He pounded Neal’s chest, starting to do compressions on him again. “He’s not gone! He promised!”

He kept doing compressions until Jon touched his shoulder. In that moment, he cracked. He sobbed like never before. He hadn’t even sobbed like this when he’d been told Neal might’ve killed himself. If that attempt had succeeded, he wasn’t there to witness it. He’d seen the bullet hit his husband the moment it happened and he’d been right there in Neal’s final moments. “Peter…”

Peter shook his head, laying down on top of Neal, resting his head on Neal’s chest. He grabbed Neal’s left hand and held it, intertwining their fingers. “You’re not gone,” he whispered. “You can’t be.” His voice cracked as he continued speaking to his dead lover. “Neal,” he sobbed. He kept repeating Neal’s name, sounding like he was in absolute agony. He wouldn’t leave Neal even as the EMT came, even as they asked him to move so they could take him to the hospital. Peter was still convinced that Neal was pulling some kind of prank on him. “You’re my soulmate, too,” he whispered, pushing himself up just enough to slide up Neal’s body, pecking his lips. “You’ll always be my soulmate.”

He eventually got up from the floor. He snapped at the people who tried to take his husband from him. Insisting that they kept their ‘filthy hands’ off of his precious husband, he pulled Neal into his arms. He held him bridal style once again, carrying him outside of the warehouse. Neal’s arm laid limply over his stomach and his legs dangled over Peter’s arms. Peter made sure he was supporting Neal’s head, still unwilling to believe this was real.

Lights were flashing all around him when he stepped outside and he looked down at his lifeless husband. He knew that Neal was dead, but he didn’t want to believe it. This would be his nightmare for the rest of his miserable days. He would always see Neal jumping out to make a shot, taking one himself. He would see Neal falling to the floor, hear Neal’s final words to him, and see Neal’s life drain right out of him.

Tears slid down the sides of his face as he stood there with his husband in his arms. He didn’t want to let him go and he wouldn’t. He couldn’t let him go. He wanted to believe Neal would wake up from this. He wanted to believe his husband would laugh again, smile at him again. He wanted to see Neal beneath him as they made love. Above all else, he just wanted Neal to _breathe._


	41. Chapter 41

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter begins his struggle to accept what he believes is reality.

Peter walked out into the waiting room where he was immediately enveloped in Elizabeth’s arms. His father was standing there as well. He’d been waiting for Peter for the last hour, knowing his son was hurting a great deal right now. “He’s gone,” Peter whispered as he crushed Elizabeth’s tiny body in a tight embrace. He shut his eyes tightly, allowing himself to cry. This was his husband he was crying for. He wouldn’t hold back and pretend this didn’t matter to him at all. He refused to man up this time. He still had yet to figure out how he was going to tell their son. Nicky would be crushed the second Peter told him that his father is dead. “He’s fucking gone.”

Michael was standing beside Jon. Hannah would have been there, but she had the children to watch, so she wasn’t aware of what had happened just yet. “I know, sweetie,” El whispered, crying against her ex-husband. “I’m so sorry.” He breathed shakily as she rubbed his back.

“I don’t know what I’m going to say to Nicky,” he sobbed. “I promised him I’d never let anything happen to his daddy and I watched his daddy die right in front of me.”

Jon was quick to intercept Peter. He pulled his son close, returning the tightness of Peter’s hug. “Peter, we don’t have to go back yet. This is all… Take the time you need to calm yourself down. We’re not going to rush you right out of here.”

Peter nodded, squeezing his father. “I lost him, dad,” he whispered. “My husband, my best friend, my soulmate… Nicky is going to resent me until the day he moves out. I let his father die.”

“You did all that you could, Peter.”

“It wasn’t enough,” he whispered fiercely. “If I did all that I could, he’d still be alive right now.” He buried his face in the crook of his father’s neck, breathing heavily. “He brought me back when I was shot. What kind of husband am I if I can’t return that favor?”

Jon hushed him gently. “Peter, you were both shot differently,” he whispered. “Yours wasn’t a direct hit and his…was.”

Peter shook his head, sobbing against his father. “I shouldn’t have let him come with us. I should have tied his ass to a bed or something. I should have forced him to stay there.” Jon told him that he couldn’t blame himself for what happened, that he couldn’t have known this was going to happen. “I know he’s volatile. I know he’s sensitive. Me, being the dumbfuck husband that I am, let my traumatized husband come along to ‘take down’ the man who raped him brutally. There was no question as to whether or not he should’ve been there. I shouldn’t have allowed this. If I’d forced him to stay home, he’d be angry at me. I wish he was angry at me because that would mean he’s alive.”

Elizabeth hugged Michael, crying with Neal’s younger brother as they watched and listened to Peter. “He wouldn’t want you to blame yourself,” Jon said softly. “You know he wouldn’t blame you if he’d survived. That man is such a sweetheart.”

“He _was_ a sweetheart,” Peter whispered. “Now he’s just _dead._ Cold and lifeless in a body bag.”

Jon took Peter down to the car half an hour later, having calmed him down as much as he could. He wouldn’t allow Peter to drive. For all he knew, his son was suicidal right now. He’d been there when Neal was shot and he’d held his husband’s lifeless body in his arms. Jon couldn’t even begin to imagine how traumatizing that was for _Peter._ He’d watched his husband die. Jon knew he himself would be borderline suicidal if he’d had to watch his wife die.

Peter sat in the passenger seat silently, rubbing his husband’s wedding ring between his thumb and index finger. “If you want, I can talk to Nicky,” Jon offered.

“No. He’s my son. I need to be the one to tell him,” Peter whispered as he balled his hand into a fist with Neal’s wedding ring at the center. “That son of a bitch took the only man I have ever loved from me. As soon as I’m within breathing range of him, I’m going to torture him. He deserves to suffer for making me suffer, for making our innocent children suffer.”

Jon glanced over at his son warily. Peter wasn’t suicidal. He was homicidal as far as Jon could see and Jon didn’t know which was the lesser evil of the two.

The moment they arrived at the safe house, Peter froze outside of the door. “Peter,” Jon whispered, resting a hand on his son’s back.

Peter closed his eyes, letting a few tears slide down the sides of his face. He twisted the knob and pushed the door open, walking in to his children and mother. “You got him!” Nicky cried excitedly. He grinned at Peter until Jon came in and shut the door behind him. “Poppa? Where’s dad?” He looked at his poppa who was still crying even as he stood there silently. “Poppa, where’s daddy?”

“I’m so sorry,” he said brokenly as he crossed the room and pulled Nicky into his arms. He sobbed against his son and Nicky was in shock. “I tried, Nicky. I tried to bring him back.” Nicky wrapped his arms around Peter’s neck, breaking down against his poppa. He understood what Peter wasn’t saying and it hurt. “Daddy isn’t going to be coming home, Nick, and I’m so damn sorry,” he whispered, kissing Nicky’s hair. “I tried to save him. I kept trying even after I knew it was pointless.”

Hannah was crying silently alongside Jon, watching her son and grandson. “I know you tried,” Nicky said through his tears. “You wouldn’t have let him die if you could stop it.” Peter breathed shakily, hugging his son tighter. “I’m sorry, poppa.”

Peter shook his head, backing up to look at Nicky’s tear-stained face. “I promised you I’d protect him and I failed you,” he said miserably. “I failed daddy just as much.”

Nicky took Peter’s hands in his tightly, shaking his head. “You tried, poppa. I know you didn’t just let him lay there until he died.” His voice cracked on that final word and he threw himself at Peter again, letting Peter cry against him while he cried as well. “At least I didn’t lose you, too,” he whispered. The pieces of Peter’s heart that had shattered as he’d watched his husband die crumbled into much smaller pieces in that moment. “I love you, poppa, and I’m just happy that you’re okay.”

The way Nicky sounded made Peter sob harder. “I love you, too. I wish I could bring daddy back. I’d do anything to bring him back.” Nicky knew that. He also knew what Peter didn’t.

•◊•

Neal gasped, his back arching off of the bed he was on as he rolled onto his side. “It’s okay. You’re safe.” Neal turned to see his brother sitting in a chair across the room. Michael stood up and walked over to him, sitting in front of his stomach on the bed. “You realize your wakeup call tomorrow is going to be worse, right?” Neal nodded as he blinked back tears. He glanced down at his left hand and realized that his wedding ring was gone. He hoped to God that Peter kept it because he definitely wanted it back. That ring may be ‘just a ring,’ but it meant the world and more to him.

“Did it work? Did Peter buy it?” he asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

Michael nodded slowly. “He bruised you while trying to resuscitate you. Official reports say you were DOA.” Neal glanced at the door as it opened and Keller and Fowler came through. “The recording of Craig was perfect and Peter totally believed that it was him because he and Fowler have the same build. Did you tell Craig that Neal’s dead?”

Neal was really out of it even though a few minutes had passed. Fowler nodded, glancing at Keller. “Craig’s pissed off and ready to kill Keller now. I told him that you were killed by Keller and he’s pissed because he wanted to torture you a little more before killing you.”

“By torture, he means rape,” Neal whispered. Fowler nodded again, looking sympathetic this time. Neal rubbed his eyes. “Have you talked to Nicky?”

“Not yet. I’m going to text him in a sec. Anything you want me to say to him?”

“Tell him I’m okay and that I love him. Remind him to keep an eye on Peter.” Michael nodded, whipping out his phone to text his nephew. “How badly did I hurt Peter?”

Michael frowned. “Well, he’s presently blaming himself for letting you die. He was terrified to tell your son.” Michael glanced down at his phone when it went off. “He said he loves you, too. He said Peter’s pissed off and crying. He wants to know what to do.”

“Did he say ‘pissed off?’” Michael showed Neal the text and Neal made a sound of disapproval, not liking that his son was swearing. He’s almost fifteen, but Neal didn’t want Nicky to start up a bad habit. “Tell him… Tell him to call Peter a big teddy bear and ask if he can cuddle with him. Peter can’t resist that and it’ll help him because it’s what I do when he’s extremely sleepy or upset.”

Michael sent the text to Nicky and glanced at his older brother warily, seeing the exhaustion and heartbreak on his face—the same look that had been on Peter’s face when Michael saw him for the first time since Neal’s ‘death.’ “So what’s next, Caf— _Burkey?_ ”

Neal pushed himself up into a sitting position with his back against the wall. “We wait,” he said quietly. “I need to play dead tomorrow, so we can’t do anything major.” Every other man in the room nodded, glancing at each other. “You are going to dig me out quickly, aren’t you?”

“Yeah,” Michael said quickly. “As long as you don’t freak out down there, we’ll have you out before you run out of oxygen.” Neal stared at him blankly and Michael gave him a sheepish look. “As soon as the graveyard is cleared out, we’re going to pull you back up. You’ll have a few hours at best after you wake up and we’ll have you out before you have the opportunity to wonder if we’re going to let you suffocate or not.”

“Holy shit,” Neal said, sounding disturbed. “You’re my little brother. If you bury me alive, I’m coming back to haunt your ass for the rest of your miserable life.” Michael chuckled. “You better be the first one to open the damn casket once you get down to me.”

Michael rubbed his brother’s thigh—the _right_ thigh—and Neal cringed. It didn’t hurt, but he didn’t like when anyone touched it. “The three of us will get you out of there quickly, Neal. I promise. We’re not going to let you really die.”

“I’m surprised that your husband is burying you as quickly as he is,” Fowler said quietly.

“He wants to give me my resting place,” Neal whispered. “I know he’d like to keep me above ground. Thank the holy lord that he’s not going to cremate me. That would be hell to explain and do. By burying me, he’s putting my ‘soul’ to rest. It was what I asked of him in my will if I were to die before him.” Neal smiled sadly to himself. “At least I know he’ll honor my wishes.”

The room was silently awkward for a few minutes before Neal slid off of the bed, stumbling. “You were out an extra hour. Did you miscalculate your dosage?” Keller asked.

“It’s possible, but you had the gun and the sedative. I was hoping you’d double check…” Keller made a moderately apologetic face at his former boyfriend. “Keeping the little paint pouch in my mouth hidden was a bitch. I don’t know how Peter didn’t see it, but he believed it was actual blood.”

“Yeah. You looked all kinds of fucked up from what Peter told me. You were bloody and pale. Honestly, you scared the shit out of me when I went into the room to see you.”

Fowler glanced out of the hotel window they were all in. It was registered under an alias of Neal’s, one that Peter didn’t know. “When am I supposed to contact Craig again?”

Neal put his hands on his hips, sighing with his eyes closed. “Honestly, the sooner we get this done, the sooner I can go home to see if my husband still loves me or not.” He opened his eyes, lowered his hands, and turned to face Keller. “I’ll make sure Peter knows you were in on this when I talk to him. You’ve, unfortunately, been very cooperative, so he has no reason to kill you.”

Keller chuckled. “I’m only helping you because Craig’s a menace to us all. He tried to bring me into one of his gang rapes and I’m not into that.” Neal raised an eyebrow. “Threesomes with you and my boy on the side are a different story. To an extent, I had your consent. I may have no morals in your eyes, but I’m not going to sexually assault someone without their consent.”

“That’s actually really surprising to hear,” Neal said, sounding like he meant that. “I mean, hell, you beat your own kid. I’m surprised there’s one good thing in your morals that you stick to.”

“You and the damn kids…”

“Our sons are the same age,” Neal snapped. “I feel physically ill just thinking about the idea of beating my son who, at the time, wasn’t even ten years old yet. You’re a sadistic bastard and I’m glad Trent was taken from you.”

Keller shrugged. “At least his in-laws love him already.” Neal looked confused and Keller sighed. “You’re really blind, aren’t you? Our sons are gay, Neal. Trenton and your kid are more than friends. How can you not see that?”

“I can see it,” Neal growled. “If he and Trent end up together, I really don’t care. I just want him to be happy. That’s all that matters to me.”

Michael glanced between his brother and his brother’s former lover awkwardly, sharing the awkward moment with Fowler. “Okay… So, if we’re done talking about the kids…” Neal nodded, crossing his arms over his chest. “Craig will be in New York for two more weeks before he leaves,” Fowler told them. “If he doesn’t kill Keller before leaving, he’ll come back in a month.”

Neal looked frustrated for a moment. “That’s really inconvenient of him. Bastard.” He shook his head. “Well, we have a two week window before we lose him for a month. I want him to die within those two weeks. And we all agreed that Peter will get the killing blow, correct?”

The other three nodded and Michael added, “Reese is willing to play along as needed. He can call Peter in at a moment’s notice.”

“I really didn’t think Reese would be okay with all of this considering his friendship with Peter,” Neal said quietly. “It’s good to have someone in the bureau connected though. He can keep tabs on Peter when Nicky can’t.”

“Are they going back to work and school?”

“With me dead, Craig has no reason to go after my family anymore. He’s focused on Keller for taking his kill from him. Before I ‘died,’ I put a down payment on a new house for the five of us.” Michael’s brows furrowed. “Surprisingly, your father left a shitload of money to me in his will. I used the money he gave me and put it towards a house. Craig butchered our place and I don’t want my children living in a house with bullet holes everywhere you look. I chose a safe neighborhood and the neighbors are pretty friendly.”

Michael’s brows were still furrowed. He himself had gotten money out of his father’s death, but he was truly surprised that Neal had gotten his share even though he’d been the one to kill him. “How is Peter supposed to know that you have a new house to live in?”

“He’ll get a call tomorrow from the company I bought it from. They’ll tell him that the house is in his name, that the mortgage is paid off, and that every room is already stocked up with furniture.” Michael was impressed. “I’ve been putting effort into a new home since before Christmas. I bought the house, the furniture, and I even decorated the rooms a little. I have posters up in Nick’s room and toys in the twins’ room. As for my bedroom… I did something tragically romantic for my husband that I think he’ll appreciate when he walks in.”

•◊•

Peter woke up the following morning with Nicky against him. He was spooning his son the way he spooned Neal and it saddened him, especially because Nicky looked so much like Neal. Stroking his son’s hair, he smiled a little. Nicky was practically a replica of his husband. Nicky looked like Neal did at this age, so he could only imagine that Nicky would grow up with his father’s appearance as well.

He startled when his phone began to bounce around on the bed behind him. He didn’t even look at the caller ID, answering, “Hello?”

“ _Mister Peter Burke?_ ”

Peter’s brows furrowed. “That’s correct.”

“ _We were told to inform you that your husband, a Mister Neal Burke, put a down payment on a new home for you and your family. In his exact words: all of the furniture is there and in perfect condition and there’s plenty of room for everybody._ ”

“When did my husband pay for this?”

“ _A week after Christmas Eve. The mortgage is paid off and the keys are ready for you to pick up whenever you’re ready to move in with your family._ ”

Peter got off of the phone a few minutes later and sat on the bed, stunned. Neal had done something truly amazing for him and their babies without even telling him. He had no idea where Neal had gotten the money to make all of this possible, but he had everything in place. Even after his death, he’s a sweetheart.

“Poppa,” Nicky whispered as he rolled onto his back, looking up at Peter through half-lidded eyes. “You sleep okay?”

“Yeah. You kept me safe,” he whispered with a small smile. “Do you want to go for a ride with me?” Nicky nodded, knowing he’d have to go with Peter regardless. He’d promised his father that he would keep Peter out of trouble and on the sane side of things. “All right. Get dressed, kid.”

Nicky nodded, kissing his poppa before getting off of the bed. Peter loved his son so much in that moment for being so sweet. He’d lost his biological father, but he was taking care of his poppa. Peter truly appreciated that Nicky loved him enough to cling to him and share their loss in a controlled fashion. He felt really connected to Nicky now and he found that amazing considering there’s no biological connection between them.

Outside, Nicky was heading towards the Taurus when he realized his poppa was going for the Corvette. “Poppa,” he warned. “Don’t upset yourself.”

“C’mon, kiddo. I’ll be fine. I want to drive daddy’s Corvette.” Nicky warily approached his dad’s car, getting in when Peter unlocked the doors. He buckled up and glanced over at his father. He backed them out of the covered area and got back on the road, heading over to the company’s local building to grab the key to this new house his husband had supposedly purchased without telling anyone.

Nicky was confused when they stopped at a real estate building. Peter asked him to wait in the car and headed in pretty quickly, coming out about two minutes later. “What’s that?” he asked, nodding at the key Peter was holding.

“Daddy left us something.” Nicky’s brows furrowed, but he let Peter drive them out. They went into a neighborhood that looked really nice. Kids were playing and there were a lot of dogs. Peter laughed to himself. “This is just so Neal.” He stopped outside of a gray three-floored house and glanced down at his son. “Want to do the honors and unlock the door to our new house?” Nicky turned quickly and looked at Peter, surprised. Neal hadn’t told him about this.

Eagerly, Nicky took the key from Peter. They headed up the path and stopped in front of the door. Peter smiled at his son as he rubbed the key before unlocking the door. He pushed the door open and went in first, stopping immediately upon walking in. “Holy crap.”

“Holy crap is such an understatement,” Peter said, awed. Neal bought a home that looked so comfortable, so child-oriented. The living room and kitchen, from what they could both see, were huge. Peter shut the door behind him and Nicky was just as awestruck as he was. “Bet this is a step up from the old apartment,” he teased.

Nicky laughed lightly. “Several flights of steps up from the old apartment.” He headed upstairs and Peter took a moment to envision his husband sitting on the soft couch near the window. He could see Neal plopping down onto it with one leg bent and an arm on the back of the couch, smiling at him, beckoning for him to come over.

He made a move towards the couch and Neal vanished, leaving him with such an empty feeling in his chest. He went upstairs slowly and heard Nicky getting excited. Curious, he walked down the hall towards his son and looked in to see several posters that Neal had promised he’d eventually get for Nicky. Nicky was happy with this already, so Peter was happy. He backed out of his son’s room and headed down towards what appeared to be the master bedroom—and he was right.

There were papers on the walls with writing on them. He didn’t understand until he walked up to the first paper. There were lyrics to their favorite songs on each sheet of paper that Neal had taped to the walls. He nearly sobbed when he pulled the last paper off of the wall, but then he looked at the bed. It was beautiful and big enough for them to roll around on. _Them._ There was no longer a ‘them’ as far as he was concerned. His husband was going to be buried in a few hours.

What caught his eye was the little folded note that was propped up on what Peter assumed was his pillow if he and Neal stuck with the way they slept together. He neared the bed and picked it up. His name was written in his husband’s beautiful handwriting. Upon opening it and reading it, he dropped it and slowly sank to his knees. Neal had written everything he loved about Peter, things he appreciated because of Peter, and he wrote things that he told Peter all the time. He thanked Peter for being in his life, for giving him love and happiness. None of this sounded like Neal had the intention of dying within a very short time of buying this house and it depressed the hell out of Peter because he wanted to bring his husband here.

He desperately wanted to stand at the foot of the bed with his husband, kissing him before shoving him onto the bed only to assault him with more kisses. He loved the way the younger man giggled. It was so cute and he could still hear it as if it were echoing in the room.

“You bastard,” he whispered as he picked up the little paper. He glanced up at the ceiling and smiled sadly. “I hope you’re happy, you sappy, romantic son of a bitch. You got me to cry simply by reading something you wrote.” He laughed, rubbing his eyes. “I know you’re in heaven right now, Neal, because you deserve that. I love you, honey, and I know you love me, too. I know you were trying to do something good and I’m sorry that I couldn’t stop the bullet.” He breathed erratically as he shut his eyes tightly. “I don’t know how I’m going to live my life without you in it. I swear to you that I’m going to raise our babies the way we would have raised them together. I’m going to talk about you all the time because you’re a man worth talking about. The babies need to know that their daddy was an amazing man.” He laughed again as tears slid down the sides of his face. “Honey, I hope you know that I’m proud of you. I’m selfish and I wish you were here with me right now, but I know you’re not suffering up there. You’re in a really good place now and I’ll meet you there as soon as my time comes. Just…wait for me, Neal.” He rubbed his wedding ring, glancing at his right pinkie where he had placed Neal’s wedding ring. He wasn’t going to put it on Neal before burying him. He had a different ring to give to his husband, but he wanted the real thing with him. “I love you dearly, sweetheart of mine, and I can’t wait to be with you again.”

Nicky stood in the doorway to his fathers’ bedroom, just listening to his poppa talk to what Peter wanted to believe was Neal. He really hoped Peter would take Neal back when Neal came home. His poppa was so heartbroken and lost without Neal, so Nicky desperately believed that his fathers would make it through this once Neal was able to return to them. As soon as he successfully accomplished his goal, he’d come home. Based on what he’d been told by Neal, the two of them would come home together after ending this. He was led to believe Peter would be there to help Neal with the takedown and he wondered how that was going to work out.

Peter rubbed his eyes, trying to get his breathing under control once again. He pushed himself up from the floor and turned, startling when he realized his son was right there. “I’m sorry, poppa,” he whispered.

“You have nothing to be sorry for, Nicky.” He neared his son and Nicky took his hand. “I’m glad daddy had you. I don’t know what I’d do without you right now, buddy.” Nicky smiled at him and Peter sighed. “You know how you had to be at daddy’s side when Ellen died?” Nicky nodded. He already knew what Peter was going to ask him. “Can you stand at my side at daddy’s funeral?”

“You don’t even have to ask,” he whispered, hugging his father. “We’re in this together, poppa. I’m not gonna leave you hanging because I know you won’t do that to me.”

Peter laughed lightly. “You’re such a brilliant young man,” he said softly. “You’ll be just as brilliant and sweet as your father and I’m very proud of you.”

•◊•

Peter stood with Nicky during Neal’s funeral service. Both of them were crying silently. Peter had Joey in his arms and Brie was standing in front of Nicky, holding his hand. The casket was still open for the moment and Peter wasn’t sure if he wanted to go near it. What made him go to it was that Nicky wanted to see him. Nicky stood in front of the casket, staring at his daddy who wasn’t moving, breathing, or living. He looked fantastic in the suit Peter knew Neal wanted to be buried in. Neal’s fingers were folded together and he just looked so unnatural as he laid there. Peter had his engagement ring placed on his finger, keeping the wedding ring as his promise that he’d return it to Neal when they were together again.

Knowing he should just let Nicky have a moment and walk away, he completely disregarded that. He gave Nicky time to stand beside Neal first because Nicky is his son. He whispered that he loves Neal when he touched Neal’s hands and then he led Brie away, trying to keep himself from crying.

Peter stood beside the casket with Joey in his arms, drooling on his shoulder. He reached in and stroked Neal’s hair, smiling sadly at the man he loves with his heart and soul. “Thank you for being in my life,” he whispered as his lips trembled. He gently rubbed his thumb over Neal’s cheekbone. “I’d be nothing without you. I’d have nothing without you,” he said. “Thank you for marrying me, for being the one who put up with me every single day. Thank you for letting me into your life and then into your heart.” He shifted his hand and rested it on top of Neal’s hands, breaking down a little more. “I love you, Neal George. I’ll always love you and only you. Thank you for bringing light and joy into my life. You certainly made every day worthwhile. I don’t regret a day we’ve spent together because I was able to spend it with you.” As he stared at his husband’s face, he could see that first day. He could see Neal struggling to clean up the mess he’d made in the break area. They’d introduced themselves and Neal had smiled at him. He’d been bold and asked Neal to go to lunch with him and he remembered the way Neal’s eyes mesmerized him, how they always mesmerized him. He remembered catching Neal staring at him. He could remember every second he’d spent with Neal from that point on. The first time they kissed, the first time he dry humped Neal, the first time they made love… “Thank you for always being yourself, for being so unique and real.” He leaned down to kiss his husband. He didn’t care if anyone said anything. This is his husband and he’d do whatever he damn well pleased. “Thank you, Neal, for spending your life with me. I love you so much, honey.”

It hurt him to walk away from the man he loves. He didn’t simply love Neal. He felt like Neal was part of him and now he could feel the loss as though he’d actually lost half of himself. He hadn’t just lost a friend, a husband, a lover, or a partner. He’d lost the only man who could complete him. It hurt like hell to know he was never going to hear Neal’s voice, see Neal’s smile, or make love to him again. Everything he loves about Neal is just a memory now. Those memories will always be with him, but he loved having the real thing so much more.

He stood with Nicky in front of him as the casket was closed and they were preparing to lower it into the ground. He shifted Joey in his arms and then wrapped an arm around Nicky, resting his hand on the teenager’s chest. Nicky’s right hand was holding Brie’s, but he lifted his left hand to hold Peter’s right where it was. “He’s alive inside of you,” Nicky whispered to his poppa. “That’s what daddy told me when I was little. He always said that the person who died lives on in your heart.”

“Daddy is absolutely right,” Peter said thickly. He rubbed Nicky’s chest gently. “Keep him in your heart. I’m going to do the same.”

Nicky nodded, clutching Peter’s fingers tightly as he watched them lower the casket into the hole that had been dug out for him. It was exactly where Neal wanted it, just beneath the big tree with enough room beside him for Peter when Peter’s time came. They wanted to be buried together and Peter wanted nothing more than to just crawl into that hole and bring his husband back to life.

The gathering was small, intimate. Only family and close friends came. James hadn’t showed up, but Peter didn’t care. Those who loved Neal were there. Jon and Hannah, Michael, Elizabeth and Diana with their daughter, June and her granddaughters… Mozzie. Now that Peter thought about it, Mozzie wasn’t there. He hadn’t seen nor spoken to Mozzie since well before this and he didn’t understand why Mozzie would miss his best friend’s funeral.

Peter kept all three of their kids close to him, knowing that Neal would want him to take care of them. He would keep his promise to Neal. He would grieve over his loss no matter what, but he would care for their children. He would make them his priority. Being the single father of a teenager and twins who were nearly a year old was going to be a challenge, but he knew Neal could do it if their situations were reversed. There was no reason why he couldn’t do this. “I miss him,” Nicky said as he sobbed. He turned and hugged Peter, keeping Brie’s hand in his.

“I know, Nicky,” Peter whispered, rubbing Nicky’s back. “We’ll always miss him, but he’ll always be right here with us like you said. No matter where we go, he’ll be right there with us in our hearts.”


	42. Chapter 42

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal's plan is put into motion.

Neal woke up, inhaling deeply as he slowly opened his eyes. He nearly panicked, but then he remembered where he was and why he was there. He squirmed around a bit until he was able to pull a burner phone out of a side pocket inside of the casket. Holding it in his hand, he turned it on to check the time. He’d been down in the hole for three hours if he remembered everything correctly.

Lying there with nothing to do, Neal silently cried to himself. The fact that he was down here meant that Peter had already been forced to say his last goodbye to him. He hated hurting his husband and he knew that the extent to which Peter would be hurt was already immense. It would only intensify Peter’s pain as time went on. He wanted to be home within their two week window. Putting his son and husband through a lot of emotional suffering made him physically ill. He didn’t like the idea that he was the reason for their suffering—and he knew it was more than just an idea that he was doing that.

His chest heaved as he struggled to keep himself from not breathing too heavily. He had to conserve his oxygen regardless of the fact that they were going to dig him up. He desperately missed his husband and wished he could have done this without having to fake his death. If there had been another way to draw Craig out without putting his family in danger, he would have gone with that. Keller had been willing to take the target off of his back as long as Neal promised him freedom. Neal forced Keller to admit that he’d killed Ellen and it’d taken him several days to finally make up his mind after Keller confessed.

Ellen was like a mother to him. Pushing his need for justice aside for the moment, he’d compromised with Keller. He knew Ellen would want him to protect his family rather than worry about avenging her death. He didn’t have to live his life without knowing who killed her, but he knew he’d never be able to look at Keller the same. Keller was the first man he’d loved, the one he thought he’d spend the rest of his life with, and he was the one who killed the only woman Neal truly considered a mother. More than two years had passed since Peter had been shot and he still didn’t know who the shooter had been nor did he think he’d ever figure it out. Fortunately, his husband had survived the shooting, so his need for revenge wasn’t overblown. He was grateful to have Peter alive and well.

He continued crying silently until he heard something hit the top of his casket. He was preparing to get out as soon as Michael opened it up. “I hit the casket. We’re damn close,” he heard Keller say above him. It was muffled, but he knew that voice very well. He listened to them continue to shovel him out and Keller called out, “Neal, can you hear us?”

“Don’t ask him that, you dumbass,” Fowler snapped. “He has limited oxygen as it is.”

Neal rolled his eyes, wishing they’d just hurry up instead of bickering. Fortunately, Michael was there to pull the top of the casket open. Neal breathed a little heavier now that he was given an unlimited amount of oxygen. “Big brother?” he asked as he shifted to look into the casket.

Michael heaved a sigh of relief when Neal sat up. “Took you long enough,” Neal teased sadly. He let his younger brother help him out of the casket and onto his feet. Having put himself under a little longer than before, he was very groggy. Moving around was a bit difficult for him to do, but he needed to get his ass into gear if he wanted to go home soon, so he pushed himself. “How is he?” he whispered when Michael held him.

“He’s…” Michael bit his lip and Neal nodded, frowning.

They climbed up and out of the hole and spent a few moments brushing the dirt off of themselves. “Are we cleaning this up?” Fowler asked.

“No,” Neal said. “I’ve got someone coming to clean this for us and he’ll get rid of the headstone as well. There’s no need to leave it there as a symbol of my death—as I will hopefully be able to go back to living very soon.”

Michael helped Neal back to their getaway car and waited until Neal was comfortable in the back before getting into the front passenger seat. Fowler was driving and Keller was sitting in the back with Neal. “You’ve got a very interesting way of showing your husband you love him,” Keller said sarcastically.

Neal said nothing as he stared at his left hand. His eyes watered when he realized this was his engagement ring instead of his wedding ring. He wished Peter hadn’t taken his wedding ring because he didn’t know if he’d ever get it back even after he came back to life. That wedding ring meant a lot to him. He’d been given an engagement ring before even after turning the proposal down, but Peter was the first and only man to ever slide a wedding ring onto his finger. He desperately wanted to have it again. The only way he’d get it back was if Peter slid it onto his finger, which would then prove that he’d forgiven Neal—or that he’d at least temporarily forgiven him, but required more in order to completely forgive him.

He’d give anything to have Peter’s love. Though he knew his husband would never treat him like a slave, he intended on begging Peter to make him one. He would do anything for Peter. If he had to, he’d get on his hands and knees and crawl wherever Peter wanted him to go—with the addition of kissing Peter’s shoes if need be. Anything Peter asked of him, he would gladly do. The only thing he wanted was for Peter to love him the way he loved him before all of this. He wanted his husband to forget that he’d, essentially, discarded any and every feeling Peter could ever have by ‘killing’ himself off. Even if Peter could never forgive him, he wanted Peter to hold him and tell him he does love him.

Living the rest of his life without Peter’s love would destroy him. He wouldn’t know how to go on because Peter is the only man he wants to spend forever with. Even after his betrayal, he hoped Peter would take him back. If Peter didn’t take him back, he would go back to pretending he was no longer in the world of the living.

Now that he thought about it, Peter would probably ban him from ever seeing his children again because of what he put them through. Granted, Nicky knew this was all planned ahead of time, but Peter wouldn’t be able to look past the fact that Neal lied to him more so than he’d ever lied to him before. He wouldn’t blame Nicky for playing along because Nicky was loyal to his father and Peter wouldn’t be able to take Neal’s betrayal out on Nicky. Nicky, in all honesty, was innocent in all of this. He hadn’t wanted to pretend this was all real. He didn’t want to see his poppa hurt, but Neal made him endure it.

Hell, he’d have to beg for his husband and his son’s forgiveness. Forcing Nicky to watch Peter suffer warranted hell on his part. He felt like such a cruel father. He already knew he was a terrible husband and a horrible person all around. It was bad enough that he’d tricked his husband, but roping Nicky into that was just ignorant. He truly hated himself for doing all of this. He hated himself more because he wanted Nicky and Peter to love him as much as they did before all of this happened. It wasn’t like they’d be able to pretend like this hadn’t happened, but he wanted their love so desperately. If he didn’t have their love, he didn’t know what he was going to do.

•◊•

Peter, a week after his husband died, was lying in his bed inside of the new house. He had pictures of Neal all around the room and he was always so tempted to print more and more of them. Only a week had passed, but he felt like he was losing it. He wasn’t sure if he’d be able to go on without Neal. Lying in bed without his husband was torture. He had no one to hold against him, to kiss when he woke up, or to make love to. He wanted Neal so desperately and even pretending that his hand was Neal’s while he stroked himself hadn’t been enough to bring him off. He didn’t even feel alive and that made him feel terrible because he still had obligations. He has his three children to care for and he’d kept himself holed in his room unless they needed him.

Pushing himself up, he wiped away the trails of tears he knew were there. “Neal wouldn’t want you to be such a selfish bastard,” he muttered to himself in frustration. He glanced at his nightstand and smiled sadly at a picture of Neal. Neal looked so happy and alive. He could even remember what Neal had been doing when he’d taken that picture. It’d been a few years ago when Neal had been playing with Nicky. They were playing tag and Nicky ended up tackling his father. Neal, being the sweet man that he was, gave in and pretended Nicky won. Nicky tickled his father and Neal was eager to let him continue.

Afterwards, Neal had been breathless and Peter snapped a picture of him when he’d looked up. He always looked so beautifully happy when he played with Nicky and he still looked that way when he’d played with the twins.

A knock on his bedroom door startled him. “Poppa?” Nicky asked tentatively.

“Coming.” He got up from his bed and walked over to the door, opening it. Nicky looked up at him fearfully and he had no idea why Nicky would be looking at him that way. “What’s up, kiddo? Everything okay?”

Every time Nicky came near him, he looked afraid. “I came up to check on you,” he whispered.

That crushed Peter. He felt that Neal would hate him for worrying Nicky like that, so he shoved his door open fully and stepped out, hugging his son. “I’m okay, Nick. I’m sorry that I’ve been so unlike myself.”

“Can I talk to you, poppa?”

“Of course,” Peter said instantly. Nicky took his hand and led him down the hall towards his own room. He knew not to go into his fathers’ bedroom. Even though Neal wasn’t there, he knew his poppa was obsessed with printing pictures of Neal. He was terrified to go in there to see how obsessed and upset Peter was. It made him happy that Peter still loved his father and he really hoped that Peter would still love him after the truth came out.

Nicky sat on his bed and Peter sat beside him, squeezing Nicky’s hand. “Poppa, are you ever going to be okay again?” he asked as he bit his lip. Peter’s brows furrowed and then he realized he’d been acting like a completely different man even in front of his children. “I know how hard it is to live without dad. You were in love and married for several years, but I’ve lived with daddy all of my life.”

Peter hadn’t even thought about it like that. He’d been with Neal for almost six years, but Nicky is going to be fifteen in about a month’s time. He’d lived almost fifteen years with his father and now he was forced to suddenly live without him. This was just as hard on Nicky as it was on him and he felt like such an inconsiderate bastard because he hadn’t taken Nicky’s feelings into consideration when he started spiraling downwards. “I’m so sorry,” Peter whispered. “I never meant to make you feel like you weren’t suffering as much as I am.” He blinked back tears and shook his head. “Your dad would probably hate me for how I’ve treated you three this past week. You love him as much as I do and I’ve ignored you.”

Nicky watched his poppa break down in front of him. “Poppa, you haven’t ignored us,” he said earnestly. “You’ve been taking care of us. The babies—” Both of them realized the error they made and headed downstairs quickly. The babies were, fortunately, playing calmly and hadn’t injured themselves. Peter and Nicky sat on the couch together and Nicky leaned against Peter. “You haven’t ignored us. The babies are still okay and healthy. You’ve been taking care of me, too.”

He knew Nicky was lying to him to make him feel better. “I haven’t once been there to listen to you,” he said solemnly. “You’ve been forced to watch me crumble repeatedly and I haven’t taken the time to sit down and let you talk. He’s your daddy and, yes, you did have more time with him. I’m being selfish by wallowing in my own self-pity. You’ve lost him as much as I have.”

“Dad still loves you,” he whispered. “I haven’t had much to say because I don’t want to upset myself or you. You’ve come into my room and held me though and that means a lot to me, poppa. I know you love daddy because of how much you love me.”

“You look so much like him,” Peter said, laughing sadly. “I feel like he’s still here because he left you with me. You’re just like your father—sweet, considerate, dedicated, and brilliant.” Nicky smiled up at Peter. “When I really miss him, I go to you and hug you. You’re the piece of him that he left behind and I love you very much, Nick. I wish I was doing a better job at being your poppa, but I don’t know how to do this on my own yet.”

Nicky nodded, nuzzling his face against Peter’s shoulder. “It’ll take some time, poppa. You know I’m here for you no matter what.” Peter laughed and began to cry quietly again, wishing he didn’t rely so heavily on his son. “I love you, poppa.”

Peter pulled Nicky close, holding him in his lap tightly. “I love you, too, Nicolas,” he whispered, kissing Nicky’s hair. “You mean so much to me. I don’t know what I’d do without you, kiddo.” Nicky hugged him, crying silently against his neck. “The twins are too little to understand what happened, but you know what happened and I know you’re hurting. I hope you know you’re able to talk to me whenever you want to. I don’t care what time it is. You could come into my bedroom at four in the morning and I’d wake up for you.” He rubbed Nicky’s back, breathing shakily. “You’re never going to be alone in this, kiddo. You’re my baby and I know you need me.”

“I don’t feel alone,” Nicky said quietly. “I know you’re here for me. I know I can talk to you and tell you anything. You’re just like dad in that way and I really like that about you, poppa.” Peter smiled, fanning his fingers out on Nicky’s back. “He always told me he’d listen to me no matter what and I know you’re the same way. You’re a good poppa even if you don’t think so. Dad married you. If he didn’t think you’d be a good poppa, he wouldn’t have said yes to you. You saw how happy you made him. He was never like that before you came into his life.”

The older man squeezed his son. “I’m grateful,” he whispered. “Because of your father, I have three beautiful children. I wouldn’t have any of you if not for him and his love.”

Nicky breathed evenly as he asked, “How would you feel if dad came back?”

Peter knew that would be a miracle and take a lot of wishful thinking, but he decided to humor Nicky. “I’d be so happy. You have no idea how happy. I love dad so much and I’d never want to let him go again.” He smiled, wishing he could bring Neal back to him—to them. Of their three children, he knew Nicky would be the one to hurt most. Nicky’s whole life had been spent with Neal. The twins barely knew their daddy, so they wouldn’t be as affected as Nicky is. “There hasn’t been a moment since his death that I haven’t wished I could bring him back, Nick. If I could bring your daddy back, I would. I’d do anything to have him here again. I’d sacrifice someone else’s life—none of yours—to bring him back. I don’t want you or your brother and sister to have to grow up without daddy.”

Nicky smiled sadly, hoping Peter wouldn’t hate Neal when Neal finally decided it was safe to come home. He’d been texting his uncle to ask how his dad was doing and Michael told him that Neal was very sad and kept promising that they would end all of this so Neal could go home. He understood that Nicky needed his dad. After what they’d gone through together because of Craig and Vincent, it was no surprise that Nicky had separation anxiety. Michael was proud of his nephew for being able to play this out. He figured Nicky was terrified to think that this is how his life would feel without Neal really in it.

Nicky didn’t like being away from his father for so long because he did have the feeling that his dad was dead sometimes. He hadn’t been able to speak to Neal directly in a week. Having Neal back home would make things a lot easier on all of them. He’d be able to talk to his dad as well as his poppa without having to pretend he doesn’t know anything at all. Lying to Peter’s face hurt him as much as going behind Peter’s back hurt Neal. “I miss daddy,” he whispered.

“I know you do, buddy. You’re always gonna miss him and I’m never going to tell you to cowboy up and forget about him. He’s your daddy. You love him to death. I’ll never let you forget about him.”

•◊•

“I want to get this over with,” Neal snapped at Keller. “Garrett is meeting with him now. You need to get your ass to that damned location so he’ll come after you. You’ve got a bulletproof vest on.”

Keller rolled his eyes at Neal. “Sheesh, daddy.”

Michael watched the exchange nervously. He knew Neal was about to snap entirely after spending a week away from his family. They’d originally anticipated on spending a whole month away, but Craig’s inconvenient schedule forced them to move things a little faster. “I want to go home to my husband and children, Matthew. I’m so tired of being here with _you._ ”

“Neal,” Michael said gently, reaching out to touch his brother’s chest when he nearly lunged at Keller. “We’re going to get you home tonight.”

Keller nodded. “As much as I’d love to tease you and frustrate you, I don’t want to spend a whole hell of a lot of time with you either, Burkey.”

Neal shook his head and shoved Michael’s hand off, walking away. He went to stand outside of the small abandoned building they’d holed themselves up in after checking out of the hotel. Staying there too long would eventually screw them all. He pulled a lighter and pack of cigarettes out of his leather jacket. Sliding one cigarette out, he stuffed the pack into his pocket again, lighting the one he’d taken out. He’d taken up smoking a few days ago when Keller was driving him insane. He was tempted to blow the whole thing and go home, but he needed to see this through and this was his only way of coping for the moment. He’d quit as soon as he was home again. He’d never been a smoker and he didn’t want to become one.

Despite the frigid temperatures, this warmed him up a bit. He wanted to be home now, but he’d have to wait until tonight. Reese would call Peter in while they were en route to ‘save’ Keller from Craig and Peter himself would be en route as well. They’d meet Peter there, scare the living hell out of him, and bring Craig down together. Neal wanted Peter to have the final shot because Peter deserved it. He, out of everyone involved, wanted Craig dead the most. Though Neal had been the one to suffer the trauma of being raped by that bastard, Peter had suffered deeply while helping Neal through everything. Neal felt that Peter deserved closure and this would be the surefire way of getting Peter that closure.

Michael came outside a few minutes later, just as Neal was tossing his cigarette into a snow bank, and whispered, “We’re getting ready to move out. Would you like me to call Reese?”

“Yes. Do it. Have him put Peter into play. We need to get there before him, so call him while Keller drives us out.” Michael nodded and they headed back inside together to find Keller waiting for them at the front door. “Let’s get this over with,” Neal growled. He was eager to see Craig die, but he was extremely anxious to see Peter. He’d been forced to live without his husband while his guilty conscience ate him alive. Before he’d gotten into the car, his burner phone buzzed. Curious, he pulled it out. The message read ‘ _Turn around._ ’ Fearfully, Neal spun. His eyes focused on a shadowed figure looming along the side of the house.

Out from the shadows came Mozzie. Eyes wide, Neal stared at his friend. “I had the feeling you weren’t really dead. There’s no way you would have let Keller shoot you square in the heart.” Neal was incredulous, wondering how in the holy hell Mozzie could have possibly figured all of this out when Peter hadn’t. “You missed your calling as a conman, mon frère,” he said with a small smile. “Besides, why else would George Devore check into some sleazy hotel if Neal Burke hadn’t faked his death?”

“You bastard,” Neal said, laughing lightly. “I knew I shouldn’t have given you a list of aliases.”

“I’ve been watching over your loved ones,” Mozzie said quietly as he neared Neal. “As well as you, Mister Leather.” He raised an eyebrow as he surveyed his best friend’s choice of attire. “You’re dead for a week and already throwing your entire wardrobe out of sorts.” 

Neal nodded. “I’ve needed a slight change in clothing because I’ve had to go out a few times. You never know who may be walking through the streets of New York while you’re dead.”

“Are you enacting this crazy scheme of yours now?” Neal nodded. “Shall I relieve Elizabeth’s babysitting duties?”

“I’d owe you several if you did that,” Neal said softly. “Peter needs to be here.”

“I figured he would. You’re coming back from the dead upon the completion of this…whatever this is. Anyway, I must be going then.” Neal briefly hugged his oldest friend, appreciating that Mozzie still loved him even after faking his death. Mozzie was very knowledgeable when it came to cons, so it was really no surprise that he’d figured Neal out quickly. If Mozzie could still love him, he hoped Peter could, too. Mozzie’s friendship meant so much to him, but his marriage with Peter meant a hell of a lot more. If he and Peter divorced, he didn’t know how he’d live his life. He needed Peter’s warmth, his gentle touch. He needed to lie in bed with Peter’s arm draped over his waist, holding him closely. Without that, he would feel emptier than he’d felt all of this week.

Neal let Mozzie go and they went their separate ways. Neal climbed into the backseat of the car Keller would be driving. Keller took off as soon as they were all set. Michael waited until Neal gave him the go ahead to call Reese, telling him it was time to send Peter in. Neal, sitting alone in the back, folded his fingers, silently praying that Peter would forgive him for this.

•◊•

Peter was just about to finish typing up his last report for the day and he was looking forward to heading out because he wanted to spend time with his kids. He’d gotten Nicky from school and dropped him off at home with Elizabeth who was babysitting the twins and her own daughter. He promised Nicky he’d be home before it was time for him to go to bed. Not that it mattered. It was a Friday night and Nicky would probably be up late texting Trent like he usually was. He, like Neal, wouldn’t tell Nicky that he couldn’t date Trent, but he cautioned both boys. He understood Neal’s reasoning and he respected it as well. Neal hadn’t wanted or needed a sexually intimate relationship when he was fourteen. He’d been suffering through rape after rape at the time, but that experience scarred him and he knew he hadn’t been ready for sex at that age. Though times had changed, he forbade Nicky from having sex with Trent right now. In the future, he’d let them live however they wanted to, but he wanted Nicky to wait. Even after Neal’s death, Peter carried out his husband’s wishes.

A knock hit his door and he glanced up to see Reese. “Peter, I know this is a sensitive topic…” Peter’s brows furrowed as he waited for Reese to expand on that. “I’ve just gotten word that Craig’s been spotted.”

Peter shot up out of his seat quickly. “Tell me where he is.” He knew it’d been Keller who’d shot Neal, but Neal wouldn’t have jumped out if Craig hadn’t taunted him. He would kill them both, but he’d settle for just Craig right now. No matter what he did, it wouldn’t bring Neal back, but it would give him a very miniscule amount of satisfaction in knowing he’d finally killed his husband’s rapist.

Reese gave him the location and Peter rushed to get himself ready to leave. “I’ll have backup sent in for—”

“No. I’m going it alone. He’s part of the reason my husband is dead. I’m going to end him myself. No one else deserves the kill.” Reese nodded silently, knowing his friend would go to great lengths to avenge his husband. By the time this was all complete, he knew Peter would be relieved and surprised to see his husband again. He hadn’t spoken to Neal himself, but Michael had inferred that Neal was really beating himself up. He’d confided in Reese that Neal hadn’t slept very much in the last week and he had horrendous nightmares whenever he did get himself to sleep. Reese was worried that Neal’s guilt would destroy him, so he was glad they were ending all of this tonight. He couldn’t bear to watch Peter struggle to work anymore.

Peter did his work as he was supposed to, but Reese found him sitting at Neal’s desk more often than not and he was always staring at Neal’s desk when he was in his own office. Peter was traumatized after watching his husband ‘die,’ so Reese was thrilled that Neal was coming back. Peter wouldn’t be in so much pain because Neal was no longer with him.

Reese didn’t stop Peter from leaving quickly. Telling Peter that he’d send backup shortly was meant to be shot down instantly. It was what Neal predicted and Peter had just confirmed Neal’s assumption. Peter was driven and he was so devoted to his husband that he was willing to rush to end Craig.

Peter called Nicky while he was heading out to the factory Craig was at. He promised he’d be home shortly and didn’t go into much detail after that. He didn’t want to worry Nicky unnecessarily. There was no way in hell he’d go down unless Craig went down as well.

Just as he pulled up outside of the factory, he heard gunfire. His eyes widened as he jumped out of his Taurus. He quietly closed the door and looked for a back entrance, which was surprisingly easy to find. He was able to sneak in without making a sound and he could hear Craig growling, “Come out, you bastard. I know you’re there.” Peter was confused. He didn’t know who Craig was talking to. “You son of a bitch. You took my kill and you knew I wanted it.”

“At least my father would’ve been proud of me for doing what you wouldn’t,” Keller yelled, taunting Craig.

Peter’s brows furrowed as he wondered why Keller and Craig would be pitted against each other. They’d gone to that warehouse together that night and Keller shot Neal. He would’ve thought Craig would have been satisfied with Neal’s death nonetheless. “You knew I wanted to fuck him to death. You gave him a clean death and he deserved to suffer.”

Someone moved and a round of gunfire went off once more. Peter heard a quiet cry and his eyes widened. He moved around the machinery he was hiding behind and stared at the one person he never would have expected to see. Neal was holding his hip, biting his lip roughly to keep himself quiet. “Neal?” Peter whispered. Neal startled, glancing at his husband. Peter moved towards him and touched his face, staring into Neal’s eyes. “You can’t be real. I saw you die. You were buried.”

“I promise I’ll explain,” Neal whispered. “Right now, we need to kill him.”

“I want an explanation right now.”

“Peter, there’s no time for that right now,” Neal said, pleading quietly.

Neal forced himself to get up and grabbed Peter’s hand. The fact that Neal’s hands felt so warm in his and he could feel Neal’s engagement ring still confused the hell out of him. He truly didn’t understand how this was possible. There was no way Neal could be alive. He’d been shot directly through the heart. Peter watched him die in his arms and he’d carried Neal’s lifeless body to the ambulance and into the emergency room. He’d seen Neal in the casket and he’d watched them lower his casket into the ground. There was no way in hell he could’ve survived. This was impossible and he wondered if he were truly going insane.

“Keller, get out here, you little shit. I know you’re injured.”

Neal led Peter into a perfect position to kill Craig and he held Peter’s arm as Peter lined his gun up to shoot Craig’s gun out of his hand. “He’s yours,” Neal whispered. “You’ve wanted this for so long.”

Peter wasn’t going to just kill Craig in a single shot. Not after he’d raped Neal on two separate occasions. He’d nearly killed Neal in both instances and he wasn’t going to forgive and forget that. He shot the gun right out of Craig’s hands and watched Craig startle. Peter jumped out from his hiding place, leaving Neal where he was. Now that he considered it, maybe Neal was there to guide him. They were each other’s guardian angel, so it made sense to him. Neal knew Peter wanted Craig to die and he knew Peter wanted to be the one to end the bastard.

“Burke,” Craig growled.

“You destroyed my husband,” he snarled. “What you did to him was unforgivable.”

“What I did to him was what he deserved.”

Peter shot him in the leg and watched him crumble to the ground in pain. He held his leg and glared at Peter, knowing Keller or Fowler would kill Burke. There was no way either of them would allow Peter to get the final shot. “He never deserved rape,” Peter said fiercely. “He never deserved torture. You were unjustified in harming him.”

Craig laughed at Peter. “You’re just jealous because I was inside of him!” Peter shot his other leg and Craig cried out in agony, wishing Fowler or Keller would kill Neal’s husband. “That boy has always been a whore. He whored himself to his stepfather, to his stepbrother, to me, and to a multitude of men. You’re jealous because you never had the chance to rape him yourself. You never had the opportunity to take from him what you wanted. You know deep down that he deserved to be raped time and time again. The slut—”

This time, Peter shot Craig’s shoulder, watching Craig’s body jerk as he laid on the ground in agony. “Don’t you dare speak of him like that,” Peter hissed. “He was innocent.”

Again, Craig laughed. “He gave me his ass to save you. The whore would have given me his ass no matter what. He wanted me to fuck him and I was willing to end his life with my dick inside of him. The last thing he ever would have felt would have been my cock as I ravaged him from the inside out.”

Peter’s nostrils flared as he imagined Craig doing that to Neal. Neal was dead and he didn’t deserve to have his name slandered like this. Peter shot Craig in the abdomen this time, knowing that it wouldn’t be a clean and quick death for Craig. Craig would suffer until he finally died after bleeding out. “I’m glad he was shot. I’d prefer he die that way than to die with your disgusting body defiling his beauty.” Craig coughed as he laughed. He was taunting Peter and wondering why Peter wasn’t dead already. Fowler had his back, so Peter should have dropped long ago. “He never deserved to have someone as disgusting as you inside of him. You’re such a sick fuck and you abused his body. You took him against his will and you _deserve_ to know how that feels.” Craig was a little surprised to hear Peter spitting all of this at him.

“You’d betray your husband by raping me?” Craig said, laughing.

“I wouldn’t touch you with a ten foot pole,” Peter growled, firing at Craig’s arm. “I wish someone would have raped you. I wish you knew how it felt to have someone abuse your insides. I wish your body had been destroyed. What you did to my husband should have been done to you ten times over.”

Craig gasped as the pain overwhelmed him. “He was the bastard child of a whore,” he snarled. “It was his destiny to become a whore himself. That little fucker learned from his mother that he can sell his body to survive.”

“My husband is not a whore!” Peter shouted, firing shots at Craig continuously. His eyes watered as he blindly shot the bastard on the floor.

“Peter! Peter, stop!” Someone tugged on Peter’s arm and Peter dropped his gun after running out of bullets. He spun to see his husband. His vision was blurred and he knew he was just imagining Neal. “Peter,” Neal whispered. “Babe, it’s me. He’s dead.”

Peter blinked repeatedly until he could see a little clearer. He could see blood on his husband. Neal’s lip and temple were bleeding and he still had a hand on his hip. “You’re not real,” Peter whispered. “You’re dead.”

Neal shook his head as tears welled up in his own eyes. His lips trembled as he smiled at Peter. “It’s me,” he said softly.

The older man threw Neal’s arm off of him and Neal looked afraid for a moment before Peter pulled him into a tight embrace. Neal could barely breathe as Peter sobbed against him, rubbing Neal’s body as he kissed Neal’s neck. “Don’t lie to me, you bastard. I know you’re dead,” he sobbed.

Neal wrapped his arms around his husband’s neck, shutting his eyes tightly as he himself cried. “It’s me, Peter,” he said miserably. “I swear it’s me.”

Michael, Keller, and Fowler had all stepped out of the shadows once Neal had gotten Peter under control. Peter could smell his husband’s vanilla scent alongside the rusty scent of blood. He parted from Neal just enough to kiss him roughly, wanting to kiss Neal desperately. He could taste the blood on Neal’s lip and he felt Neal’s blood when he rested his hand on Neal’s hip. A ghost wouldn’t bleed, but he didn’t understand. He had no idea how Neal could have survived. If Neal had been alive this whole time, he felt awful because he’d buried his husband alive.

When he pulled away, they were both breathless. He lifted his hands and stroked Neal’s hair, staring at his husband’s tearstained face. “How?” he whispered. “How is this possible?”

“I promise I’ll explain to you,” Neal said miserably. “I’ll tell you everything.”

He stared into his husband’s blue eyes, seeing the life in them. Neal felt real and he desperately wanted Neal to explain this to him. The explanation would come in time. Right now, the only thing he could think about was the fact that his husband was alive and standing right in front of him.

He’d killed Neal’s rapist and Neal was, somehow, alive.

Kissing his husband brutally once more, he whispered against his lips: “I don’t fucking care.” He pulled Neal against him, cradling the back of his husband’s head while his other hand rested on Neal’s lower back. “You’re alive,” he breathed as he began to sob again. “I don’t know or care how it happened. You’re alive again.”

And Neal truly was alive. Peter could feel his husband’s blood and tears. What confirmed Neal’s life was how hard Neal’s heart was pounding in his chest while they held each other. Peter could feel it against his own chest. His heart was beating and he was breathing.


	43. Chapter 43

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things in the Burke home are a little intense at first.

“They’ve been upstairs for a long time,” Nicky whispered, glancing as his Uncle Mozzie and Uncle Mike warily. He’d been so excited to see his father again and he’d accidentally slipped when he said he was glad Neal was home. From that, Peter gathered that Nicky had known all along that Neal wasn’t truly dead and he’d gone upstairs without a word. Needless to say, Neal had followed him upstairs. It’d been forty-five minutes and there hadn’t been a single sound from either of them.

Before either man could say anything, they heard a loud crashing noise upstairs, followed by a door slamming, and Neal’s pleading, “Peter, please! Please don’t leave!”

Peter came down the stairs quickly with tear tracks on his cheeks. Neal ran down after him, looking much the same if not worse. “Poppa,” Nicky said concernedly as Peter grabbed his jacket. His shoes were still on, so he could leave very quickly if he wanted to.

“Peter,” Neal begged, grabbing his husband’s arm. “Please, Peter, please,” he whispered.

Peter stared angrily at his husband, wishing he could hate the younger man. Neal, though he’d explained his reasons, had truly pissed him off. He felt so betrayed and he’d even gone so far as to take his wedding ring off, throwing it at Neal. The fact that Peter’s ring wasn’t on didn’t go unnoticed by Nicky. “Go back upstairs,” he said quietly.

Neal openly cried in front of everyone. He knew Peter was angry and upset, but he didn’t want Peter to leave. He was so afraid that Peter wouldn’t come back, especially because he’d thrown the wedding ring. He was terrified to think that Peter was abandoning him and their children. “I don’t want you to leave me,” Neal whispered miserably. He crashed against his husband’s chest when Peter turned a bit and was surprised that Peter’s arms wrapped around him loosely. “I told you I’m so sorry,” he said thickly. “I know you can never forgive me for this, but please don’t leave. I love you so much.”

The older man wanted to leave for a little while to clear his head, but he wasn’t sure if he’d come back home to his husband or not. With how emotional Neal had been upstairs during his apologies and explanations, Peter felt like Neal would run away. Even if Peter had the intention of coming back, he was afraid that Neal would disappear into the wind without a trace because he felt unwanted. Peter still wanted him. He was just admittedly very upset. Sighing, he hung his jacket up. “Upstairs,” he whispered. He went up first because he knew Neal wouldn’t go if he thought Peter was going to leave the house.

Nicky stepped closer to his father, looking extremely concerned. “Are you and poppa going to divorce?” he asked sadly.

“I don’t know,” Neal said as he began to cry again. He didn’t want to cry in front of his brothers and his son more than he already had, so he immediately went back upstairs and headed into his bedroom, closing the door behind him. Peter was sitting at the foot of their bed, hunched over with his fingers steepled beneath his chin. “Peter, I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness. I’m not expecting you to forgive me for this. In fact, I’m encouraging you to hold this against me,” he said hurriedly. He breathed shakily as he continued speaking, “Please don’t leave, Peter. Nicky thinks we’re getting a divorce.” Peter’s eyes lifted to meet Neal’s in that moment and Neal’s heart froze over. “Are we getting divorced?” he asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

Peter was silent for quite some time, staring at his husband. For as angry as he was about the fact that Neal had lied to him in the worst way possible, he was still happy to have Neal in his life again. Neal was alive and they’d be able to live their lives as normally as they could now that both Adler and Craig were taken care of. “I’m really pissed off,” Peter admitted. “I’d love to tell you that I’m so done with you, but I’d be lying if I said that,” he whispered. “I love you very much despite your lies. Living while you were dead was hell on me and I thought it was hell on both me and Nicky, but you told him to lie to me, too. How could you do that to your own son?”

“You know how close he and I are,” Neal whispered. “He would have gotten self-destructive if I hadn’t told him.”

“Oh. So you and I aren’t that close? I thought we were actually closer because we’ve only shared the same bed for almost six years and have had sex quite a bit. I would have thought that meant something.”

Neal rubbed his eyes, nodding. “It does mean something and I’m sorry for throwing it all away.”

Peter shook his head, whispering, “I don’t know what possessed you to go behind my back like this. I would have cooperated with anything you wanted me to do. Faking your death, forcing me to watch you die, and forcing me to say goodbye to you has hurt me more than you can ever possibly know.”

“I know,” Neal said sadly. “I’m sorry for subjecting you to that, but I didn’t want to put you in danger.” He tentatively moved towards Peter, whispering, “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I did this to protect you and—and it worked.”

“Protect me?” Peter asked incredulously. “Subjecting me to emotional and psychological _pain_ is your way of protecting me? Neal, you’re a fantastic father to our three children, but don’t you dare try to put me into the same category,” he snapped. “I’m an adult and, as your husband, I am deeply committed to you. I watched you die in my arms and I carried your lifeless body. You knew this would hurt me, but you still did it anyway. I never realized how twisted your mind really is.”

Neal’s heart ached horribly in that moment. All he could say was, “I’m sorry, Peter.”

Peter scared the hell out of him by lurching from the end of the bed, shoving him against the door. Neal’s eyes were wide as Peter held Neal by the shoulders. Neal’s hands were on Peter’s biceps and he was trembling as he kept his eyes on Peter. “I know you meant well, but this is all so fucked up,” he growled. “You sick bastard. You faked your death after promising me you’d never leave me.” Neal swallowed hard as he nodded slowly. “You made me go an entire week believing you were truly dead. What if this hadn’t gone over as quickly as it did? If months had gone by before you revealed your plan to me, what kind of state do you think I would be in?” Before Neal could reply, Peter pulled him forward and slammed him against the door again as he cried tears of rage. “I love you more than life itself and you fucking lied to me. You made Nicky lie to me and you pretended to die. Is our marriage some fucking game to you? Do my feelings for you mean _nothing_ to you?”

Neal’s vision blurred as he tried to stop crying. “I’m so sorry,” he said thickly. “I know what I did was wrong and I’ll never be able to forgive myself for causing so much misery.” He bowed his head, shutting his eyes tightly. “You mean so much to me and I know I didn’t prove that by doing what I did. Our marriage means the world to me, Peter, and I’ve never wanted to use your feelings like this. I-I…”

The younger man moved Peter just enough to give him room to drop to his knees. He stared up at his husband with tears in his eyes. “What are you doing?” Peter asked him.

“I’ll do anything you ask,” he whispered. “I don’t care what it is. I’ll serve you for the rest of my life even though I know it’ll never make up for what I’ve done to you.”

“Do you honestly think I want you to be my _slave?_ ” he asked brokenly. “You’re my husband. I’m not about to beat you or become your master because of this. You’re not an animal.”

Neal impulsively got onto his hands and knees in front of his husband, bowing his head. He heard what Peter said, but he still wanted to offer himself to his husband. He could call Peter his master for the rest of his life and he’d be perfectly content with doing so as long as Peter didn’t leave him. “I’ll do anything,” he repeated quietly.

He was startled when Peter knelt in front of him and gently gripped his chin, lifting his head until their eyes met. “I asked you to marry me because I love you and I want to spend my life with you,” he whispered. “We aren’t married so I can command you. I have never treated you like a slave and I don’t intend on doing so now, so knock this off.” Neal trembled as he stared at his husband silently. He was still so afraid that Peter would walk out on him and their children. “Get up, Neal George. I’m not doing this to you. You could physically injure me and I would never subject you to slavery. I’ve always made sure you knew you’re my equal. I don’t intend on treating you as anything less than my equal regardless of what happened. You’re still a man, a human being, and the love of my life.”

Peter pulled Neal up and tried to rub his husband’s arms to relax him. Neal was terrified and he could see that as clear as day. “Please,” Neal begged. “Let me do this. I want to prove my loyalty to you.”

“If you think I’m going to put some kind of slave collar around your neck, add a chain, and drag your ass around this house, then you are in for one hell of a surprise. I’m not going to let you debase yourself in this way.” He caressed Neal’s cheeks, smiling sadly at him. “I’m still so angry with you, but I love you, Neal. If I were the kind of man to force you into slavery, I wouldn’t be able to call myself your husband anymore.” Tentatively, he leaned forward to kiss his husband tenderly, rubbing his thumbs over Neal’s cheekbones. “I love you dearly,” he whispered when he pulled away. “I’m not going to enslave you, so get that out of your mind right now. If you want to prove your loyalty to me, do it by normal standards. Don’t you dare hurt yourself in this way. Don’t you dare beg me to become your master.” He stroked Neal’s hair and then wiped away Neal’s tears with his thumbs. “I have never wanted to dominate you. I’ve never controlled you—in or out of bed. You are my equal, Neal. What you’ve done doesn’t make you any less of a human being.”

Neal sobbed and leaned against his husband, burying his face in the crook of Peter’s neck. “I feel so fucking awful,” he whispered brokenly. “I’m such a horrible person.” He sobbed so hard that he could barely breathe as he continued to babble on about how much he loathes himself for what he did to Peter.

“Honey,” Peter whispered, rubbing Neal’s back while cradling the back of Neal’s head. “Baby, breathe. Everything is going to be okay. The most important thing to me right now is the fact that you’re with me again. I don’t have to live without you anymore.” Neal said nothing, but Peter could feel Neal’s tears on his skin. “This is going to take time, Neal, but I promise you that we’re not separating. I don’t want to leave you and I hope to God you don’t think you need to leave me because you think I don’t want you or love you anymore.”

“How can you possibly love me and want me?” he asked hysterically, his voice muffled.

“I know what kind of man you are and I knew what you were like before I married you,” Peter whispered. “You’d give anything to protect me and our children. You allowed Craig to abuse you in order to save me and you did the same when they kidnapped you and Nicky. I know you didn’t intend on leaving me when you faked your death. I’m hurt by the fact that you couldn’t tell me about this, but I… I can see why you did all of this.” He rested his hand on Neal’s lower back, sighing heavily. “I love you so much and I’m glad you’re alive and home with me. I never want to lose you again.”

Peter reluctantly released his husband after a few moments of near silence. Neal’s breathing was labored and Peter knew Neal was going to beat himself up more than Peter could even attempt to, so he figured adding to Neal’s pain wasn’t worthwhile. He moved away from Neal and bent over near his dresser to pick up his wedding ring. “Did you get rid of mine?” Neal asked.

“No.” Neal nodded, lowering his gaze to the floor. Peter could see that Neal felt like he didn’t deserve to have it on his finger, but Peter didn’t entirely care. He’d put that ring onto his husband’s finger just as he did the day they’d gotten married. Nearing his husband, he asked, “Will you do the honors?” He held out his wedding ring and was grateful when Neal took it. He held his left hand out and Neal caressed it as he slid the ring onto his finger. Once Peter’s wedding ring was snug and in place, Neal intertwined their fingers as tears slid down his cheeks again. “Baby, don’t cry anymore, okay?”

Neal nodded again and then shook his head as he broke down again. “I can’t help it. I feel like such a bastard.” He pulled his hand away from Peter’s as though he’d been burned and he sobbed, trying to turn his back to Peter so Peter wouldn’t have to look at him. “I fucked up our marriage and our relationship in general. You’ll probably never trust me again and I can’t blame you. What I did to you is exactly as you said—twisted.”

Peter shook his head, sighing. He walked over to the bed and opened his nightstand drawer, pulling Neal’s wedding ring out of a small box he’d placed it in to keep it safe. “I honestly didn’t intend on ever being able to put this back onto your finger, but I’m glad I can.” Neal barely turned to look at him and then he put more distance between them when Peter tried to near him. “Neal,” he said sadly.

“I need to earn it back. I shouldn’t just have it given to me. What I did to you is—”

Neal stopped speaking as Peter came to stand in front of him, lifting his left hand. “There are chords in the hearts of the most reckless which cannot be touched without emotion,” he whispered. Neal stared at his husband in awe and Peter knew that Neal was surprised by that quote. Peter didn’t care for any of Edgar Allan Poe’s writings, but he knew Neal did. He’d borrowed Neal’s books over the years without Neal knowing and he wanted to see why Neal was so interested in Poe’s writing. It was so dark, but that was something Neal seemed to like. Other than the fact that Neal appreciated literature and arts in general, Neal’s past was filled with darkness, so Peter wasn’t sure if Neal tried to relate to Poe’s writing.

“Peter,” he whispered.

“I have loved you since the moment I first laid eyes on you,” Peter said softly. He kissed Neal’s knuckles, smiling at him. “This year, you and I will be celebrating our sixth year together and our fourth year as husbands. How am I supposed to celebrate my marriage if the love of my life isn’t wearing his wedding ring?” Neal shook his head as tears welled up in his eyes again. “Neal, Craig is dead because of you,” he said sincerely. “That bastard is the one who deserves death, who deserves to go to hell for all that he’s done to both you and our son. You, my love, shouldn’t damn yourself for ridding us of his plague. I’m admittedly relieved to know that he’s dead and it’s even better because I was the one to actually kill him.” He lifted his other hand to rub Neal’s cheek. “I know you were always afraid that I would lose it when I went after him, but it felt good to finally kill him. I killed one of the men who tortured you.”

Neal gasped as he looked down at the floor, sucking in deep breaths of air as he attempted to stop himself before he began to sob. “I’m so sorry for all that I’ve put you through. You’ve dealt with me in the aftermath of my rapes and I forced you to believe that I was dead. I deserve the award for being the shittiest husband of all time.”

Peter shook his head. “If you didn’t love me and our children, you wouldn’t have done what you did. You would have left us forever knowing that we’d never be able to track you down. What you did ended the life of a rapist, Neal.” Peter kissed him gently before whispering fiercely, “And I have never once _dealt_ with you. I love you and I’m always going to be here for you no matter what. You never have to worry about talking to me. I’ve been here for you when you’ve let me in. I’ll never force you to let me in, but I will encourage you to and I can prove to you that I love you.”

“What if I don’t deserve your love?”

The older man always despised this part of Neal’s self-esteem. Neal has always felt undeserving, unworthy, and that pissed Peter off. He wasn’t pissed at Neal for saying these things, but he hated that everyone in Neal’s past had destroyed Neal’s self-esteem to the point where Neal felt like he would never be as loved as he wanted to be. Peter changed all of that for him when he fell in love with Neal and Neal admitted to him at times that Peter’s love makes him feel better about himself at times. “Neal George Burke,” he whispered, “will you allow me to place this wedding ring on your finger as a symbol of my _undying_ and _unconditional_ love for you?”

After several long moments of silence, Neal nodded and whispered, “Yes.”

Peter slid Neal’s engagement ring off and gently replaced it with the silver wedding ring that matched his own. As soon as it was on Neal’s finger, he stared into his husband’s eyes. “You are the only man I ever want to give a ring to. You are the only man I can ever love, Neal George. I can recognize how hard you tried to protect us and you were successful in doing so. I can’t resent you for loving your family.” He looked down at Neal’s hand then and smiled weakly. “I’ll admit that, if our positions were reversed, I would do the same for you,” he whispered. “I love you, Neal.”

Neal couldn’t help crying as he smiled sadly. He wrapped his arms around Peter’s neck and hugged him. Peter kept his arms around his husband’s waist, kissing his shoulder. “I love you, Peter, so damn much,” he said fiercely.

The older man knew that. He couldn’t hate Neal for faking his death because he’d done it with the sole intention of ending Craig’s life in order to protect his loved ones. Peter couldn’t believe how many people had been in on this whole scheme, but he knew what his husband was doing and he was successful. The fact that Neal’s plan worked relieved Peter, but what relieved him most was the fact that his husband is alive and he isn’t just in Peter’s imagination.

•◊•

Nicky stood in the doorway of the bathroom, watching his poppa bandage his daddy’s hip. Neal had been shot by Craig accidentally. He’d been moving around to make sure everything was going according to plan and he wanted to keep Keller out of Craig’s range as best he could, but Craig heard him and shot him. Fortunately, he hadn’t taken a fatal blow. Of all the pain he’d felt during the enactment of his plan, the bullet in his hip was the worst. He’d taken out a couple of Craig’s ‘bodyguards’ that had been standing outside. He hadn’t walked away from that unscathed, which explained his split lip. They’d gotten a few punches out before he incapacitated them. He’d felt a swell of pride for a brief moment upon taking them down because he felt like he’d finally done something to make himself seem stronger. He’d used his FBI training, but he was glad he finally showed him ability to protect himself. That was one of his bigger issues with himself over the years. He never believed he could defend himself because of what’s been done to him, but he _did it._

“Are you guys going to be okay?” Nicky asked quietly as Peter finished wrapping Neal’s waist.

“Yes,” Peter said sincerely. “Dad and I are going to be just fine.” He patted above Neal’s injury after he’d finished and Neal glanced down for a moment as Peter moved to grab a washcloth, wetting it. He turned back to his husband after wringing the water out of it and gently rubbed it over Neal’s lip, chin, and jaw to wash away the blood that had dried there. “We aren’t getting a divorce, little buddy. I still love daddy very much.” To reinforce what he’d said, he leaned forward and kissed Neal’s forehead. “My beautiful, beautiful man,” he whispered.

Neal stared up at his husband and Nicky could see that his fathers were having a silent conversation. They did that sometimes and it bothered him because he wanted to know if they were really okay. Peter kissed Neal’s lips and Nicky watched his father’s eyes close. Tears slid down the side of his face, but he kept kissing Peter. He felt awful and Nicky knew that. Nicky knew that the week he’d spent without them hurt him a lot and he knew Neal was afraid of the repercussions that would come as he returned to the living. “Fuck you for forgiving me,” Neal whispered fiercely as he pressed his forehead against Peter’s. He looked like he was in absolute agony even as he gripped Peter’s biceps and rubbed them. “I’ll never be able to tell you how sorry I am.”

Peter opened his eyes for a moment before closing them, resting his hands on Neal’s chest. “I don’t want any more apologies, honey. You’re home with me—with our babies. Everything between us is going to be fine.” Neal’s jaw set firmly as he tried to stop himself from crying more than he already was. He knew he was going to be exhausted very soon after all of the crying he’d done since coming home. “Hon,” he whispered, opening his eyes once again to look at his husband. He slowly shifted so he could see Neal’s face and he could see how much pain his husband was in. Neal was abusing himself internally and Peter wanted that to stop. “Neal,” he said firmly. “Stop. Honey, listen to me.” Neal shook his head without saying a word. “Honey, don’t hurt yourself,” he begged. “I’ve forgiven you. Forgive yourself.”

“I can’t!” he cried out as he opened his own eyes, staring at his husband in despair. His eyes briefly met Nicky’s before returning to Peter’s. “I lied to you. I made our son lie to you. I’m the worst fucking father there is. What kind of selfish bastard forces his own child to—?”

“I would have done it for you no matter what,” Nicky interjected. Peter glanced at their son for a moment, glancing at his husband a moment later to see Neal’s look of surprise. “I was there when he raped you,” Nicky whispered. “If you had to fake your death and I had to lie to poppa to bring him down, I’d do it all over again. I’d do anything to help you. Even if you hadn’t asked me to lie to poppa, I would have done it because I wanted him dead as much as you and poppa did.”

Neal gaped at his teenage son, wondering how in the hell _he_ had made such a beautiful young man. He despised himself for so many reasons, but his son was the part of him that he would always love and cherish. He didn’t understand how he’d made someone as mature, intelligent, and sweet as his son. Nicky had solely been raised by him for nine years prior to Peter coming into their life and he felt like he’d absolutely failed his son. Seeing him now, almost six years since the day Peter became an integral part of their lives, he truly believed his son was his greatest accomplishment. He believed that Nicky was the one thing in his life that he hadn’t fucked up royally. “Nicolas James,” he whispered, shaking his head as tears welled up in his eyes again, “I’m so fucking proud of you for so many reasons.” He still hated swearing in front of his children, but he did it to emphasize his point this time.

Peter let his husband go as Neal crossed the room and pulled his son into his arms, hugging him tightly. Nicky smiled as he wrapped his arms around his father. “I love you, daddy,” he whispered.

“I love you, too, baby boy,” Neal said thickly. He kissed Nicky’s neck and squeezed him gently.

The sight of Neal and Nicky hugging each other warmed Peter’s heart. Nicky was always on Neal’s side no matter what without question and he’d do anything for Neal. After everything Neal’s ever done for him, he felt like he owed his father at least this. Neal sacrificed a lot when he’d been raising Nicky on his own. He never complained once about having to buy something that Nicky wanted, but it certainly took its toll on him. That never stopped him from trying to please his son though. Nicky, as a teenager, could see all of that in addition to how his father gave himself to two rapists in order to protect him. Nicky would never be able to repay his father for that protection because he knew that it hurt Neal a lot more than he would ever be privy to.

When Neal pulled away, he rubbed his eyes. Nicky was smiling up at him. “Dad, I hope you know you’re the best. Everything you’ve ever done for me… I’m lucky. Some people have dads who don’t care about them at all.” He kept his eyes locked onto his father’s as he said, “You’ve always done everything you could for me and I’m so grateful. You gave me everything I wanted. Have I ever told you what, out of all of the things you’ve given me, the best thing was?” Neal shook his head and his brows drew together as he tried to go back through all of their years together, trying to pick out that one thing Nicky wanted that he was the most happy to have. Nicky surprised Neal by poking his chest. “You. You’re the one thing I got every single day for free. I never had to ask for you. I never had to beg for you.” He took Neal’s left hand in his and realized that Neal’s wedding ring was on. He hadn’t noticed before, but that made him really happy. “You’re the best thing I’ve ever had, daddy.”

“Are you _trying_ to make me cry?” Neal asked, laughing lightly. Peter chuckled and Nicky giggled. “Nick, you’re the best thing I’ve ever been given. I am so blessed to have such an amazing son.” He stroked Nicky’s floppy hair and smiled at his son. “I love you.” He glanced at Peter for a moment, adding, “ _Both_ of you.”

Nicky left his fathers a little bit later. He was relieved that both men were content with each other rather than yelling or arguing. He’d heard something hit their bedroom door earlier, but both men seemed fine. “Are you okay now, hon?” Peter asked his husband softly. He and Neal stayed in the bathroom and he’d been trying to give his husband a little space, but not enough for Neal to think he was angry with him.

Neal nodded, rubbing his face again. “I’m still going to be very sorry for everything I put you through.” He met his husband’s gaze and Peter lifted his left hand to caress Neal’s cheek. “I’ve been such a hassle since you met me and I’m so sorry. I mean, you’ve dealt with my emotional and mental issues. I don’t know how you do it.” He leaned into Peter’s palm and sighed heavily. “I don’t know how you can possibly bear to listen to me or watch me constantly fall apart. I don’t know if I deserve your devotion.”

Peter sighed quietly. “You are such a wonderful man after all that you’ve been through. Someone who was raped and abused as a teenager could become the monster that hurt them. You, my love, went through hell at home for three years. What he put you through has followed you all through your life.”

“He was my stepfather,” Neal whispered bitterly. “When my son came into my life, I knew I could never be like him. What Vincent put me through changed me. I ran away from home and lost the life I had before. I lost my mother.” Peter nodded, smiling at his husband sympathetically. He knew Neal was traumatized and he knew Neal had been hurt terribly on so many levels. “I knew how it felt to have nothing and no one,” he whispered. “I had no parents to care for me. I had no friends to support me. I _never_ wanted my son to know how that feels.”

The older man nodded and saw how emotional his husband was becoming. “Neal, you are such a beautiful man. I’m so proud of you and I’m fortunate to have been given the opportunity to love you—and then marry you.” He opened his arms as soon as Neal moved and Neal crashed against his chest, hugging him tightly. “I’m proud of the man you’ve become,” he whispered, kissing just below Neal’s ear.

Neal swallowed hard. “I need to hear you say things like that,” he whispered. “I know that makes me desperate, but I need to hear that from you.”

Peter felt like his word shouldn’t have meant that much to Neal, but he knew that his word affected Neal more than he realized. “I’m more than happy to tell you these things,” Peter said softly. “I’m proud of you and I want you to know that. No matter what happens around us, I am proud of the man you are. You have such a beautiful son that you made _our_ son and you’re such a loving husband.” He rubbed Neal’s back slowly. “I know you’re still upset with yourself, but I want you to know that I understand why you did what you did and I appreciate it. Even though it hurt to think I’d lost you forever, what you did ended the life of someone who never deserved to live. I have you back and he’s dead.”

“I love you, Peter Michael,” he whispered thickly. “I don’t know how you can forgive me, but thank you.”

“I’ve forgiven you because I’m in love with you more than you know.” Neal breathed heavily as he nodded. “Only you, my love, would fake your death in order to protect me and our babies. I can’t and won’t hate you for doing what you believed was best for your family. We’re all alive and together again because of you.”

They eventually went into their bedroom and Peter wasn’t hesitant in undressing himself entirely before climbing into bed. He slid under the blanket and watched his husband who hadn’t moved at all since they’d entered their bedroom. “I can’t,” he whispered.

“Yes, you can,” Peter insisted. “I’m not letting you sleep on the couch unless I can go with you.” Neal’s eyes were filled with sadness as he stared at his husband, uncertain as to whether or not he should crawl into bed. “You don’t have to undress, but at least get into bed with me, baby.” Tentatively, Neal unclipped his belt and slid it through the loops of his jeans. He glanced down and unbuttoned, then unzipped them. Pushing his pants down until they dropped to his ankles on their own, Peter whispered, “I’ve really missed holding you against me.”

Neal smiled sadly and Peter could see right through it. “Believe me when I say I’ve missed being held by you.” Peter nodded as Neal pulled his shirt off and dropped it onto his jeans. The last thing he wore was his new boxers. He hadn’t been able to take anything with him when he ‘died,’ but he hoped Peter kept his clothes at least. He wanted to get back into his lingerie for Peter. He slid his boxers down and picked up all of his clothes, setting them in a chair Peter had set up in their room.

Peter made room for Neal and held the blanket up for him until he slid under it. “Welcome back,” he said softly, kissing his husband. Neal returned his kiss, wanting to taste his husband in more ways than one. He wouldn’t imply that he wanted to make love with Peter because he knew Peter would make love to him slowly and beautifully as a way of showing him things were okay between them and he didn’t want that right now. He’d actually prefer it if Peter pounded the hell out of him, but he knew his husband wasn’t going to do that. When he was ready to accept that Peter still truly loves him and forgives him, he would try to suggest lovemaking.

With his eyes closed, he breathed against Peter’s lips, whispering, “I’m glad to be back.”


	44. Chapter 44

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal is still struggling to believe Peter's forgiven him.

Neal sat in the bullpen for the first time in quite some time and he felt extremely uncomfortable. Everyone was _pissed_ at him except for Peter. Peter had gotten over everything that happened, but Diana and Jones were the main two who resented Neal for hurting Peter. They didn’t see things the way Peter did and Neal knew not to waste his breath. Diana had yet to threaten him and he was trying his damnedest to stay away from her. “Burke.” Neal startled and looked up to find none other than Diana right there. “Or should I call you _Caffrey_ again?”

Frowning, Neal said, “It’s still Burke.”

“If you were my husband and faked your death, I’d put you right back into your casket and let you experience a true death.” Neal cringed, hating how bitter she sounded. She had a right and he wouldn’t tell her not to take her anger out on him because he felt that he deserved it. He’d hurt his husband a lot more than he truly realized. “I’ve been considering walking into Peter’s office with the suggestion that he allow me to bury you alive. What you did to him—”

“Diana, I know,” he interjected. “I know I hurt him. I know I did a lot of damage.” He leaned forward and whispered fiercely, “You have no idea how much I fucking hate myself for hurting him. I don’t need you adding to that.”

“Then you shouldn’t have destroyed my best friend,” she snapped. Neal flinched and watched her nostrils flare. He knew she wanted to strangle him—or just do anything to harm him. He would welcome it, but he knew Peter would be furious with one or both of them. “Peter should leave you. After everything he’s done for you, you made him believe you were dead. You didn’t see him fall apart, Caffrey.” Neal’s heart ached as he averted his eyes, blinking back tears. “You didn’t have to see him watch his husband die or sink into the ground. I’m half tempted to put you there myself. Peter—”

“—has forgiven him,” a deep voice said. Neal couldn’t look at Peter, but Diana did. “Di, it’s okay. Neal and I are fine.” She wanted to snap at him and he gave her a stern look, demanding that she keep herself under control. “Get back to work, Di.” She glared at Neal before nodding, doing as Peter asked. Peter sighed when she was finally a distance from Neal. “Hon, she—”

Neal abruptly rose from his seat and he grabbed his case files as well as his jacket, slinging it over his arm as he briskly walked towards the glass doors, shoving them open. Peter chased after him, watching his husband fall apart as he kept hitting the elevator button. “She’s right,” he said thickly. He knew he was going to cry and he didn’t particularly care either.

Peter shook his head, resting his hand on Neal’s chest. “Neal, don’t listen to her. I’ve forgiven you and that’s all that should matter.”

The younger man blinked repeatedly as tears welled up in his eyes. “When I first met you, she told me she would make my life hell if I hurt you,” he said. “I hurt you and now she’s going to make sure my life is hell.” Peter began to protest and Neal spoke over him. “I’m an asshole, Peter. I know I am. What I did was meant to protect you, but I fucked up. I can see that, okay? Diana can see it and I don’t know why you can’t.”

“You’re my husband,” Peter whispered. “I love you and we’ve already discussed this. We’re already passed this issue.” Peter rubbed Neal’s chest, telling him, “You’ve already suffered enough and I know you’re beating yourself up quite a bit. I’ll tell her to back off.” Neal looked like he didn’t believe Peter. Peter wanted Neal to be able to live his life happily now that the two men who’d raped him were dead and that was a little difficult considering their current situations. Work would be stressful and Neal would continue to hurt himself emotionally while they were at home regardless of Peter begging him not to do that. “Honey, we’re going to make things better. I don’t want you to be so down all the time. What you did was for the good of our family and other children who might’ve suffered as you did. Neal, the only thing you should feel responsible for is their deaths. They deserved them and justice was finally served.”

Neal snapped, “That doesn’t change the fact that I lied to you and pulled your heart right out of your chest just so I could stomp all over it.” Peter flinched and frowned at his husband. “I’ve never outright lied to you before this and it’s killing me because I know what it did to you. Nicky was only doing what I asked him to do and I know that pissed you off, too.”

Peter shook his head. “That doesn’t matter. Everything is fine now and—”

The elevator arrived, dinging before the doors slid open. “I’ll see you later, Peter,” he murmured as he stepped in. Peter tried to follow him and Neal said, “No. I’m going home to be with the twins. I’ll work from home.”

Peter stood in front of the elevator doors as they slid to a close. He wanted to be with Neal and he wanted to make sure Neal wouldn’t do something self-destructive. He left their bed in the middle of the night for the last few nights and that was upsetting Peter to no end. Now Neal was leaving work early to go home just so he could work by himself. Peter didn’t like the idea of leaving Neal anywhere alone at any point in time now. The way Neal’s felt since returning has affected their relationship a great deal. Peter still loves him and he wanted them both to move beyond all of this, but Neal kept relapsing—reminding himself and Peter that he lied to the man he married, the man he should never lie to.

Furious, Peter returned to the bullpen. “Diana,” he snapped, heading up to his office. She immediately trailed after him and shut the door behind her once she was in his office. “I don’t want you to harass him anymore,” he said fiercely. “He’s hurting himself enough as it is. I can’t help him get over this if you’re adding to his pain, too.”

“Peter, he’s seriously hurt you. I’m not going to let him forget that.”

“How the hell is he supposed to forget it? He lives with me. He’s married to me. Every morning since he’s come back, I’ve woken up to an empty bed. He leaves our bed and sleeps on the couch downstairs.” She frowned, nodding slowly. She hadn’t realized that because she hadn’t asked. All she knew was that Peter suffered for a week. She’d warned Neal the day she met him and he, up to this point, had done very well. Now that he’d betrayed his husband, she wanted to make sure it was engrained into his memory. “He doesn’t need this. He’s been raped more than we can ever know. That alone is enough to hurt him and he’s begun to feel like he doesn’t deserve to be with me again. He feels like he’s damaged goods again and I hate that. I love him to death and I’m trying to help him.”

Diana whispered, “Boss…”

Peter shook his head. “He’s my husband of nearly four years. I don’t want to lose him before we make it to our fourth year. I don’t want to lose him— _period._ ” He stared down at Neal’s desk and frowned. “I won’t lie and tell you that he didn’t hurt me. He _did_ hurt me, but I’ve forgiven him. He had good intentions and everything worked out. I still have the man I love in my life. I don’t have to raise our children alone.” Sighing heavily, he added, “I don’t want him to feel like he needs to die because of what he did. He protected all of us. He hurt me for a week, but he’s saved us and everyone else for a lifetime. Craig was a monster. He nearly killed Neal and Neal put an end to him—gave me the opportunity to end that bastard’s life. Craig is dead. My husband and my son will never have to suffer the way they did again and I’m beyond grateful.”

She nodded silently once more. Watching the man she looked up to, she could see that he was proud of Neal. “I’m sorry, Peter.”

“It’s okay,” he whispered. “Just…don’t do this. He doesn’t deserve this. I can’t help him if everyone else is tearing him down.”

•◊•

Neal kept his arm around Joey as he stood beside Neal on the floor. Neal was working on his case files on the coffee table in their living room after dismissing Mozzie, thanking him for always taking care of the babies. Brie was roaming around the table on her own, but Joey had already fallen down a few times, so he kept his son nearby just until he was finished with this folder.

Joey, however, decided that he wanted to drool all over Neal’s casework, which put an abrupt end to his intention of getting some work done. “All right, you,” he said, chuckling. He shoved his folder aside and pulled Joey into his lap. “God… I missed you two while I was gone,” he said quietly. Brie came around the table and was walking towards the two, giggling when Neal smiled at her. “Hey, princess.”

“Dada.” He grinned and held his arm out. She took a few more steps before reaching out, latching onto his fingers. He slowly brought his arm back to himself, guiding her over to him.

Neal glanced at his watch and made a thoughtful sound. “Uncle Mozzie would be putting you guys down for a nap right now.” He sighed quietly, watching his babies mess with his shirt. “Your poppa will be bringing your big brother home in a couple hours. Let’s go lay down.” He changed both of their diapers before taking them upstairs and into his bedroom where he could lay them both down on the bed. He sat between them and rubbed their backs until they fell asleep—and he eventually fell asleep himself.

He startled out of his sleep when he heard the door squeak. His first instinct was to twist to his side and reach into his nightstand to grab his gun. Since he’d taken it to work with him, it was downstairs in his suit jacket instead of in the drawer. “It’s just me,” Peter said warily as he came into the room. Neal heaved a sigh of relief and sat up, rubbing his face. “Hey, honey.”

“Hi,” Neal whispered.

Peter sat down on the end of their bed and smiled at their twins before meeting Neal’s eyes. “I spoke to Diana.”

Neal shrugged. “Don’t worry about it.”

Peter shook his head and watched Neal slide down the bed just enough so that he could get off. Before Neal could walk away and leave the room, Peter grabbed his wrists and tugged on him, pulling him closer until he stumbled right into Peter. “I love you,” Peter whispered. “I’m worried about you—about us. I know you feel so unworthy and I know you’re contemplating suicide. I saw the journal page you threw away.” Neal gaped at him and Peter shook his head again. “I’ll never go through your journal again. I’ve learned my lesson, but this was in the garbage can.”

“My private thoughts are _my private thoughts,_ ” Neal hissed.

“My husband is _my husband,_ ” Peter retorted. “I love you, Neal. You know I do even though you try to tell yourself I resent you. I do _not_ resent you.”

Neal sighed exasperatedly, whispering, “I hate myself enough for the both of us. Diana hates me and I’m glad somebody can show it.”

Peter jumped up from the bed, gripping Neal’s wrists tighter as he stared into his husband’s eyes. “You aren’t allowed to believe that. You’re a wonderful, loving man. I don’t hate you and I live with you on a daily basis, Neal. I’m married to you and we share a bed when you aren’t sleeping on the fucking couch.” He felt Neal’s fear and knew Neal was waiting for a punch or hit of any kind. “I love you so much, so stop this. Stop leaving our bed in the middle of the night. Stop listening to other people’s thoughts about you. Don’t I matter? Don’t my thoughts and feelings matter to you?”

“You know they do,” Neal whispered. “You and our children are my world, Peter.”

“Then why can’t you let everything go back to the way it was? Why must you tell yourself you have no right to live? Why must you tell yourself you’re a horrible person?” Neal frowned and lowered his gaze to Peter’s chest. He didn’t have a legitimate reason for that aside from the fact that he believed he deserved hell on so many levels for what he’d done. Despite Peter’s pleas that he forgive himself and move on, he found himself stuck. He felt like he was repeating his return from the first time Craig raped him. He’s had nightmares, suicidal thoughts, and he’s believed he means nothing and deserves nothing.

Neal breathed shakily as he whispered, “Because I lied to you. Up until that moment, I never directly lied to you. As your husband, I shouldn’t have any secrets from you and I lied to you for a week.” He met Peter’s eyes and his own began to water. “In a week’s time, I managed to break your heart and hurt you so much. If, as you pointed out, things hadn’t ended after a week, I don’t know what I would have come back to. I wasn’t here to watch you suffer and I don’t know if you’d have taken me back after all of that time. I barely felt like I deserved to come back after a week because of how much pain I caused you. Not only did I hurt you, but I hurt our son—my biological son.”

Peter sighed quietly. “Nicky would do anything for you. He told you that. And, Neal, I would have done all of this if our positions were reversed. If I were Craig’s target, I would have faked my death to save you and our babies as well.” He released Neal’s wrists and lifted his hands to caress Neal’s cheeks. “I’d do anything to keep you safe and I know that’s what you were doing through all of this. You planned everything so damned perfectly and I’m thankful that you gave me the final blow and that you’re with me again. I killed Craig and ‘brought you back’ simultaneously. That trade is a trade I would make any day. I’d prefer to have you in my life while that son of a bitch rots underground.”

“I’m sorry,” Neal whispered. “I’m sorry for hurting you—for hurting our family. What I did to all of you could have easily turned you against me.” Peter nodded slowly, listening to his husband. Tears slid down Neal’s cheeks moments later and he miserably said, “I love all of you so damn much. I didn’t want him to come after you again. I didn’t want him to hurt you or our babies.”

“Honey, I understand. I—”

“You can’t possibly understand,” Neal whispered fiercely, scrubbing his face roughly. “You don’t know how it feels to have no one to call your family or to have no one you can trust. You don’t know how it feels to only be genuinely loved by one or two people. You don’t know how it feels to be on your own.” Neal closed the distance between them and wrapped his arms around Peter, crying against his throat. “You have been my family since day one,” he said hoarsely. “Before you, I couldn’t trust anyone as much as I’ve learned to trust you. Before you, the only family I had was Mozzie and my son. Before you, I never felt like I deserved to live.” He breathed shakily, shutting his eyes tightly as he held onto Peter tighter. Peter held him just as tight, kissing his hair. “Before you, I felt so alone. I couldn’t talk to anyone. I couldn’t fall apart.” Peter rubbed his husband’s back as tears welled up in his own eyes. “I love you more than you realize and I wouldn’t know what to do if I didn’t have you anymore. I could’ve lost you for trying to protect you. You love my son and you’re the first man I trusted with him. I left you alone with him sometimes and I always felt anxious with any other man in my life. You’ve never made me feel that way. You’ve never made me feel like my son would ruin us. You love him as much as I do—as if he’s your own son. _That_ means everything to me because he’s my world. He’s my life and he has been for almost fifteen years. The fact that you love him and that I love you for loving him has changed my life entirely. If I lost you, I’d be such a fucking mess.”

Peter’s lips quivered ever so slightly. “I love you,” he whispered. “I loved you the day I met you. I loved Nicky when I met him—even if I was a little uncomfortable with the idea of being a father at first. I’m grateful to you for letting me in. If I didn’t have you, I wouldn’t have three beautiful children and an amazing husband.” He squeezed the younger man before relaxing. “I’m not leaving you. I’m staying with you forever. You and the kids are the loves of my life, Neal. The day we were married, I made my promise to stay with you no matter what. I’m not going back on my word to you. I’m not leaving. I refuse to abandon you—to abandon _my_ babies.”

Neal laughed brokenly as he rubbed his face against Peter’s shoulder, breathing heavily. “I’ve always been afraid of messing up. You’re the first man I’ve ever _wanted_ to love forever and I’ve been afraid since day one. I’ve always been afraid that I’d lose you. I can’t bear the thought of watching you walk out, knowing you’ll never step back in.”

“It’ll only be a thought,” Peter promised. “I’m never walking out on you. You’re my soulmate. You were made for me,” he said softly. “I wouldn’t have wanted to start a family with you if I didn’t intend on staying with you. I love Nicky and I love our twins as much as I love you.”

The younger man gasped for breath as he sobbed and all Peter could do was hold him, promising him that he would never leave, that he would always be right there to love him and to love their children. He promised that Neal would never be alone again and he made sure Neal knew that he doesn’t resent him in the slightest.

•◊•

Neal shifted on the bed when his alarm went off. He dismissed the alarm on his phone and sighed quietly, turning over to lie on his back. He glanced to his left to stare into his husband’s eyes. “I know it’s time to get Nicky,” he said quietly. “Do you want to go or would you like me to pick him up?”

“I can get him,” Neal said.

Peter nodded, rubbing Neal’s bare chest. “All right, honey. While you’re gone, I can get dinner started.” Neal gave the older man a small smile before pushing himself up. The blanket shaped around his body as he sat with his back against the wall for a moment. Peter stared up at him, resting his hand on Neal’s thigh. “Do you regret…?”

“No,” Neal said immediately. “You’ve always been gentle and I appreciate that. I’m trying to accept that everything is fine and it’ll take time, Peter, but… You made love to me.” Peter smiled softly at him, rubbing his bare skin. Neal rested his hand atop Peter’s and sighed quietly. “You’ve always made love to me no matter how badly I fuck up.”

“I will always make love to you,” Peter said. “I don’t care what happens between us. When we’re in bed together, you are my king,” he whispered. “I love you and I respect you. I will not torment you emotionally or physically. You do that to yourself enough.” He shifted and kissed Neal’s abdomen. “Thank you,” he said, “for allowing me to show you that I still love you with all of my heart.”

Neal glanced at his husband, finally returning the smile. “If there is no passion in your life, then have you really lived?” Peter raised an eyebrow, sensing that Neal was quoting something he hadn’t heard before. “Find your passion, whatever it may be. Become it, and let it become you and you will find great things happen _for_ you, _to_ you, and _because_ of you.” Neal lifted Peter’s hand and kissed his knuckles, whispering, “That is a quote by T. Alan Armstrong—and it’s my way of saying that you have done so much for me. You are my passion and I am yours. Peter, great things have happened to me because of you.”

“And to me because of _you,_ my love,” Peter said softly. He lowered his hand and patted Neal’s thigh. “Time to get dressed, honey.”

The younger man slipped out of bed and dressed himself with Peter’s eyes on him, watching his every movement. He’d been hesitant to slip back into bed with his husband, especially when he realized that Peter wanted to make love to him. He almost told Peter that he didn’t want to do it, but then he decided to hell with it because he wanted Peter to love him. The way Peter treated him made him feel loved, safe, and secure. He needed that after how far he’d fallen since returning. Peter, his guardian angel, would always be right there to lift him up no matter what. “I’ll see you soon,” he whispered, leaning over Peter to peck his lips. “I love you.”

Peter grinned. “I love you, too.” He watched Neal leave their bedroom, knowing he’d finally made Neal see how truthful he’s been. He didn’t resent Neal for what happened and he’d finally been given the opportunity to prove that to him without words. Though he would prefer to tell the younger man how much he treasures him and their marriage, he would also settle for making love to him if it helped just as well.

Neal drove the Taurus since it was first in the driveway and was sitting outside of Nicky’s school within fifteen minutes—five minutes until the final bell. He was glad he and Peter had time to spend together. After putting the twins into their cribs, both men sat on their bed and talked for half an hour before Peter initiated a deep, passionate kiss that led to other things. Neal’s body was still tingling afterwards. But he knew that it was important because it helped their relationship. They hadn’t had sex just because they wanted to or because it felt like ages since the last time they touched each other that way. They made love because they desperately needed to know how in love they still were. Neal was impressed and astonished simply because Peter gave him two orgasms in the span of ten minutes. If that wasn’t passionate sex, then he didn’t know what it was.

Just as the bell rang, Neal unlocked the car doors and watched the front door of the school, waiting for his son to emerge in the sea of teenagers. Nicky knew exactly where he was parked and made his way over to him almost immediately. What bothered Neal was that Nicky looked upset. His brows furrowed as Nicky pulled the door open, slid in, and slammed the door shut. “Hey, kiddo,” he said quietly. Nicky ignored him and crossed his arms over his chest. “Nick?”

“I don’t wanna talk,” Nicky said adamantly.

“Okay,” Neal whispered. He waited for Nicky to buckle up before driving them home. He wasn’t going to push Nicky to talk to him about whatever was bothering him, but he was taking his time while driving in case Nicky actually wanted to talk after all.

When they came to a red light, Nicky blurted, “Did anyone know you were gay when you were in high school?”

“Not really, but that’s because I wasn’t there very long,” Neal said quietly. He glanced over at his son and could see that Nicky was crying. “Baby, what happened?”

“Someone called me a faggot today,” he said furiously. “I was hanging out with Trent and this jerk came up to me and said that—among other things.”

Neal’s eyes widened as he stared at his son, pained. “Don’t listen to that crap, Nick,” he said as he began to drive again.

“There’s a rumor going around school about me and Trent.”

Neal hit the brakes and then hit his turning signal so he could pull over. Nicky stared at him, wide-eyed. “Tell me exactly what is being said about you.”

Nicky bit his lip before answering. “Can I say the words they used?” Neal nodded. He wasn’t stupid. He knew Nicky swore when he wasn’t around. “This guy started calling Trent a slut, so I punched him.” He looked ashamed of himself, but he looked pissed off as well. “The rumor is that I’m fucking Trent. They think I’m protecting him because they think he’s the girly-guy in our relationship, which is total BS if you ask me.”

“I don’t care which one of you is more masculine than the other or if neither of you act masculine. That bastard has no right to say these things,” Neal snapped. “I want a name.”

“Brandon Shultz.”

Neal whipped his phone out and went onto the FBI database, logging in with his information. He immediately searched for the kid Nicky was talking about and found his address. “All right. I’m going to this prick’s house and I’m gonna bitch him the hell out.”

“Dad, we can just go home,” Nicky whispered.

“No. You’re my baby and I’m not going to let some asshole bully you and Trent.”

“You don’t want me to date Trent anyway, so—”

Neal immediately snapped, “I never said you weren’t allowed to date him. I just said I wanted you to wait. Either way, I’m not letting him harass you two.” Nicky nodded, staring at his father. He was absolutely stunned by how seriously Neal took this, but he shouldn’t have been all that surprised. He knew Neal would always take care of him. “Text poppa and tell him we’re gonna be a little late.” Nicky nodded again and pulled his phone out after Neal pulled out and began to drive again.

They weren’t home for another hour after that and Neal was still pissed off when he walked into their home. Nicky followed his father inside, shutting the front door as Neal stormed into the kitchen. “Hon?”

“Some fucker is bullying Nick at school,” he said as soon as he was in the kitchen with Peter. “I went over to that asshole’s house and, naturally, he claimed he never said a word to Nick. Fortunately, the little bastard is also a freshman and his parents grounded him.” Peter raised an eyebrow, wondering how Neal had that much power over the kid’s parents. “I flashed my badge and told them my husband is also an FBI agent. As soon as they realized that, they were more than happy to cooperate with me.”

“Have I ever told you how sexy you are when you’re—Hi, Nicky.” Peter’s face flushed when he realized Nicky was standing behind Neal. “So, uh, this kid won’t bother Nick anymore then?”

“I sure as hell hope he won’t. I refuse to let someone bully my son for being gay.” It was the first time he mentioned aloud that Nicky could possibly be gay. Nicky knew Neal wouldn’t care if he was gay or straight, but he felt like Neal didn’t want him to be gay. The way he reacted to this whole situation proved that Neal would love him and protect him no matter what. “When the twins are growing up, I’ll protect either or both of them the same way. If Brie’s a lesbian, then she’s a lesbian. If Joey’s gay, he’s gay. No one is going to harass my children.”

Peter eventually got Neal to settle down, which was just in time for the twins to wake up. Both Nicky and Neal went upstairs and brought one twin down each. Nicky played with Joey while Neal held Brie and let her play with his tie. “Dad?” Nicky said quietly when Neal started laughing softly as Brie chewed on his tie. He glanced at his son and gave him a curious look. “Thank you—for standing up for me.”

Neal reached over to stroke Nicky’s hair, whispering, “You’re my baby. I’ll always protect you. I’ll always be on your side.” Nicky appreciated his father for that because he knew how true it was. Neal would always do whatever he could to keep his children safe. After watching Neal suffer through rape and torture to protect him, there wasn’t a single doubt in Nicky’s mind that Neal wouldn’t stand up for him.

“So… You and dad are okay again?” he asked after stepping out of the living room, wandering into the kitchen to be with his poppa.

Peter nodded and smiled at his son. “Dad and I are going to be just fine. Things might still be a little rough, but they will be okay. We had a lot of time to talk.” Nicky sidled up to Peter and wrapped his arms around Peter’s waist, smiling when Peter wrapped an arm around him. “Dad knows I love him very much. I’m going to do everything I can to make sure he doesn’t forget that, buddy. I’m not letting him go without a fight.”

Nicky smiled, closing his eyes as he rested his head against Peter’s chest. “I know. That’s why I love you, poppa.”

That never failed to awe Peter. He felt so deeply connected to the teenager clinging to him even though there was no blood connection between them. Nicky trusts him and talks to him as if he were truly his father. Peter loved him because he never felt like he was just another guy Neal dated in Nicky’s eyes. He actually felt like Nicky’s father and he’s treated Nicky like his own son since day one. “I love you, Nick. You, your dad, and the twins are the most important people in my life.” He rubbed Nicky’s back and whispered, “I couldn’t let go of any of you if I tried.”

“Good,” Nicky whispered, nuzzling Peter’s chest. “I love you just as much as dad does. I don’t want to live without you either, poppa.” Peter blinked back tears as he laughed lightly. “I don’t call you daddy, but if I called dad my poppa, you’d definitely be my daddy. Like dad’s always said, you’re not my stepdad.” Nicky just had this knack of being so sweet and he made Neal cry a lot when he was acting this way. Peter, though he was almost moved to tears on several occasions because of how Nicky spoke to Neal, tried to keep himself from crying when Nicky spoke to him alone. He couldn’t help it though.

Chuckling, Peter lifted his other hand to rub his eyes. “You’re not my stepson either,” he said softly. “You’re my baby boy. I love you as though I’ve been in your life since the day you were born.”

“To me, you have been here that long. I can’t remember how it feels to live only with dad—and I’m grateful for that. I love living with you both. Your relationship with dad gives me a lot of hope.” Peter glanced down at Nicky then and Nicky opened his eyes to look up at Peter. “If you and dad can love each other after everything you’ve gone through over the years, I know I’ll be able to find a relationship as good as yours someday.”

Peter listened to his husband in the other room as he laughed and talked to the twins. The twins were giggling at him and it warmed Peter’s heart. After all of the torment Neal endured, Peter was lucky to have such a loving, devoted husband. “What dad and I have is unique,” he whispered. “Your daddy is one in a million—and I sincerely hope you find someone you can consider that one in a million.” He lifted his hand to stroke Nicky’s hair and thanked God for giving him Neal because Neal came with Nicky and they were given the twins as a couple a few years later. Despite the ups and downs they’ve had over the years, Peter would always want his life to be exactly as it is. He couldn’t think of a single thing he’d change without changing the entirety of his life. He has his husband and his children who love him dearly and he would never change the life he made with them.


	45. Chapter 45

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Burkes still have a few things to work through.

“ _I’ve seen beautiful women before, but I have no words to describe how beautiful you are._ ”

Neal rolled his eyes as he listened to a woman giggle at his husband through the microphone. He’d been on the other end of this before and Peter made it known that he was extremely jealous. Neal knew he had nothing to worry about. Yes, he was jealous, but he wasn’t as jealous as Peter had been in the past. Seducing a woman made them both feel awkward, but they did it for their job on occasion. He knew his husband felt nothing for women and he knows his husband loves him. Peter would never cheat on him—or even make an attempt to cheat on him.

Giggling continuously, the woman finally found a moment to speak in her annoyingly high-pitched voice. “ _Why, thank you. I’ve met some very handsome men before and damn are you sexy._ ”

“Why, yes,” Neal said sarcastically. “My husband is a very sexy man, thank you very much.” He rolled his eyes again. Peter couldn’t hear him, but the probie sitting with him in the van chuckled a bit. He hit the button so Peter could hear him as he watched the cameras for the outside of the building. “Peter, one of the men just went inside. He slipped past the doorman without an invite.”

“ _Thank you, darling._ ” Neal knew that was meant for him even though Peter was staying in character.

He listened to Peter’s honestly horrible attempts to flirt with the woman as he texted his son, telling him that things were running a little late—and he blamed Peter. Neal glanced at the cameras inside of the building and frowned as he watched Peter dance with that woman. “Looks like our fence just showed up, Agent Burke.”

Neal glanced at the camera the probie was watching and he hit the button again to speak to Peter. “Love, the fence is here and she just got in—same way as her buyer. They’re probably going to make a backroom deal. Your date should get the message soon enough to head back there as well.”

“ _You dance magnificently, Peter,_ ” she complimented.

Peter chuckled. “ _I take pride in dancing with my partners properly._ ”

She made a sound that made Neal sick. “ _Perhaps you and I could find a private dancing room._ ”

“ _I would like that very much. Private dancing is so much better._ ”

“Bastard,” Neal muttered. He watched them leave the ballroom and frowned, picking up the walkie-talkie he would use to get in contact with their undercover agents. “Everyone, be ready to move.”

Peter murmured, “ _It’s pretty dark in here._ ”

Neal waited anxiously for Peter to use the word of the day. As soon as he felt like they were close to the painting, he was supposed to say ‘the people.’ “ _Stay here, my love. I’ll find the lights._ ”

“ _The people running this place should have the lights switched on._ ”

“Move!” Neal said through his walkie-talkie. He himself and the probie jumped out of the back of the van and darted into the building. Neal was able to go through as soon as he said, “FBI,” and held his badge up. He pulled his gun out of his harness and ran in the direction Peter had gone. Gunshots were fired and Neal’s heart clenched as he forced himself to run faster.

As he rounded the corner, he heard Peter yell, “Neal, get back!” He stopped abruptly and backed up quickly, throwing his arm out to stop the probie while shielding himself using the wall as shots were aimed at him.

“Weapons down!” Neal called out, jumping out as more of their agents arrived. Peter slipped out of his hiding spot as well and stood at Neal’s side, holding his gun in front of him. The two women and the man in front of them laid their weapons, the painting, and the money down on the ground, throwing their hands up in the process. “Cuff ‘em,” Neal said over his shoulder as he relaxed. A few of the probies did as he asked and he turned to Peter. “Were you hit?”

Peter shook his head, slipping his gun into the harness beneath his suit jacket. “No. They all had terrible aim. Your response time was faster than you said it would be.”

Neal smiled weakly at his husband. “Well, I kind of want you to go home with me.” The older man kissed Neal’s forehead briefly before moving to grab gloves from a nearby probie so he could retrieve the painting. Neal slipped gloves on as well and picked up the bag of money while another probie picked up all of the weapons. “That’s a beauty,” Neal said, whistling as Peter returned to him with the painting. Peter chuckled, shaking his head. “What?”

“You and your love for anything French.”

Neal chuckled, too. “I just appreciate art and their spelling of Nicolas. I wouldn’t mind visiting Paris with you one day—when the kids are all grown up and moved out.”

“Fuck. I have to wait another twenty or so years before I can finally take you to Paris?” Neal smiled wryly at him. “I’m sure we could go on vacation at some point—with the kids.”

“We’ll see,” Neal said.

Back at the bureau, Neal and Peter stood at the head of the table in the conference room. They’d laid the painting out on the table alongside the bag full of money. The money, as they discovered, was stolen. They were planning to return the money to its rightful owner—or owners. As for the painting, they’d gotten into contact with the French and were arranging for it to be sent overseas. “If you don’t mind me asking,” Peter began tentatively, glancing at his husband, “how’re you feeling tonight, baby?”

Neal shrugged. “I’m fine. I just want to go home and undress, honestly.” Peter raised an eyebrow and Neal shook his head. “I don’t know if I’m feeling up to making love right now, Peter.”

“That’s okay,” Peter said softly, giving the younger man a small smile. “You know I love you for reasons other than the fact that you’re breathtakingly gorgeous. I will never pressure you if you aren’t in the mood.”

“Which is your polite way of saying ‘damn, I really wanted to hit that ass tonight.’”

Peter smiled wryly at him. “I’ll smack your ass.” Neal smiled a bit and it made Peter’s heart flutter because he didn’t know what to do anymore to make his husband smile.

“No,” Neal whispered. “I know you mean that. You’ve never once pressured me to do anything I didn’t want to do.” He tentatively reached out for Peter’s hand, intertwining their fingers. “You’re a beautiful man, Peter Michael,” he said softly. “I love you very much.”

“I love you just as much,” Peter said, leaning to the side a bit to kiss the younger man. “And I will love you forever.”

Neal chuckled, nodding. “Soulmates, indeed,” he whispered.

Peter took them both home shortly thereafter and Neal immediately changed out of his suit, getting into one of Peter’s shirts and his own sweatpants so he could play with the kids comfortably. He’d just recently gotten things with _Neal’s Net_ running again, but he was mainly using email and Skype for now. The kids and their parents were busy, so he wasn’t forcing meetings of any kind. He offered his help regardless and he always responded to emails. He himself was busy with his own children, so it all worked out. He was more than happy to help other kids, but he needed to give his attention to his babies as well.

As of late, Peter and Neal were both extremely concerned about Nicky. Neal wasn’t entirely sure if he’d comprehended Nicky’s intentions properly or not, but he was worried that Nicky was considering suicide as well. He’d gone on his laptop one morning and found a page about overdosing left open in his browser. Immediately upon finding that, he interrogated Peter hysterically, asking if _he_ was considering overdosing. Once Peter told him that he hadn’t searched that, they immediately went to their son.

Nicky claimed to be doing research and that terrified Neal to no end. He wanted to know what was going on and Nicky wasn’t talking. “Poppa?” Peter startled, glancing up from his husband’s laptop. He was entering information from a file into the FBI database and he hadn’t heard Nicky come into the bedroom. He assumed Neal was playing with all three kids. “Can I talk to you?”

Peter shut the laptop and nodded. “Of course. You can always talk to me.”

The teenager hesitantly neared Peter and Peter tried to be as reassuring and calm as possible. He was hoping that Nicky would open up to him and Neal, but he supposed opening up to one or the other was fine as well. Neal would know regardless because Peter didn’t keep secrets from him—especially when they had to do with his son. Whenever Nicky confided in him, he made sure he brought Neal into the loop as well. “I… Dad found a search I did on his laptop the other day.” Peter nodded, remembering how frantic Neal had been. “I…lied to him. I mean, I was doing research, but…”

“You were thinking about overdosing,” Peter said quietly. It wasn’t a question and he knew the answer even as Nicky averted his eyes. “What’s wrong, Nicky?”

“Dad’s so unhappy,” he whispered. “I feel like it’s my fault because I made things worse when he got home. You found out that I knew he was still alive and I feel really bad about lying to you.”

Peter stared at his son incredulously. “Nicolas James,” he said softly. “You are not at fault for anything. You did what dad asked you to do. I would’ve asked you to do it if I wanted to fake my death to protect all of you.” He slowly slid off of the bed and neared the teenager, pulling him into a gentle hug. Nicky immediately began to cry quietly against his poppa and Peter hushed him gently. “I still love you and dad as much as I did before. Maybe a little more now, actually.” He smiled weakly as he stroked Nicky’s hair. “I’m not upset with dad anymore. I’ve forgiven him and things are okay between us. I was never, at any point, upset with you. You were listening to what your father told you to do. I would expect nothing less from you—you’re very dedicated to dad.”

Nicky nodded, whispering, “He’s my daddy. I love you the way I love him, but I had to do it for him. He explained why he was going to do it and I was okay with it.” He nuzzled his face against Peter’s chest and exhaled shakily. “I promised him I would take care of you while he was gone. I tried to do my best for you, poppa. I didn’t want to hurt you and I know dad didn’t want to hurt you either. He kept saying he was afraid to come back home after all of this.” Peter kept stroking Nicky’s hair, letting the teenager talk it all out. He, like Neal, felt safe with Peter—comfortable enough to trust him with their innermost thoughts. “I don’t want you and dad to get divorced. If I lost one or both of you, I wouldn’t have my loving fathers anymore. I don’t want to live that way.”

“Dad and I aren’t getting divorced. I love your father as much as I did the day I married him. I know he loves me, too. We’ve talked a lot and we’ve spent more time together lately. He’s still beating himself up, but that’s how dad is.” Nicky backed up to rub his eyes, glancing up at Peter. “Dad is a very sensitive, loving man. He loves me very much and I know he was afraid that I’d leave him.” He reached out to stroke the side of Nicky’s face, smiling softly at him. “I’m not leaving him—or you. There’s no reason to believe you’re at fault for the static that was between me and dad the day he came back. I’m glad he’s alive. I celebrate the fact that he’s alive every day.”

“I know it’s none of my business,” Nicky whispered, “but are you and dad having sex again?” Peter looked stunned by the question. He definitely hadn’t been expecting that. “That’s one of the ways I know you’re okay. When you guys can have sex, everything’s okay.”

A bright pink flush covered Peter’s face as he answered, “Do _not_ tell your father that I said this to you, but _yes._ ”

Nicky smiled, laughing a little. “You and dad are different from most couples. The only time you do it is when you want to show each other that you’re in love. I know you guys don’t do it if something’s wrong between you two. I just wanted to know.”

“If you tell your father that I told you about something you shouldn’t be aware of, I’ll ground you for a very long time, Nicolas James,” he whispered.

“You may wanna ground yourself then.” Peter’s eyes widened as his husband came into the bedroom with the twins. “Nick, poppa and I are okay. I promise.”

Nicky nodded, ducking his head. “Okay,” he whispered.

Neal set Brie down first, then set Joey down. He stood in front of his oldest son and smiled at him. “Everything is okay. Poppa’s staying right here—and so am I. Even if we were separating, you would not be at fault, baby boy.”

“I think I would be,” Nicky said miserably.

“I made the choice to fake my death. I told you about it because I knew it would kill you. I knew it would hurt poppa, but you… You and I, we… We went through something very traumatic together, Nick. I know you’re extremely attached to me and I love you no matter how attached you are.” Nicky threw his arms around Neal’s waist, hugging him. “You’re my baby. I don’t blame you for a single thing. Poppa doesn’t blame you. Neither of us is upset with you.” Nicky tried to protest and Neal shook his head. “Nicolas, I love you with all of my heart. You’re my first baby—my oldest baby. You and I are connected in so many ways. The fact that you were with me during…” He trailed off, trying not to remind himself of the pain and suffering he endured. “You saw me at my lowest point. You heard me grovel. I did everything I could do in order to keep you safe and I’d do it again if I had to.” He glanced at Peter, meeting his husband’s eyes, silently conveying the same sentiment for what he’d done for Peter. “If I didn’t have you—both of you and the twins—as my family, I would be alone and miserable. I have all of you and you all make me happy. I want to make you happy, too. If I had to give up my body to keep you alive, then I’d give it up again and again.” He leaned down to kiss the crown of Nicky’s head. “There’s no reason for you to consider suicide. You did nothing wrong. We love you so much, Nick. If you weren’t in our lives…”

Nicky considered asking Neal to finish that sentence because he wanted to know what they would do if he weren’t alive, but he looked at his father and saw how emotional he was. He knew his dad would give his life for him and he’d essentially done that when they were captured by Vincent and Craig. “Dad, don’t cry,” he whispered. While Neal was pretending to be dead, he’d pretended that he was living his life as though Neal really had died. It was an awful feeling and he didn’t want Neal to feel that way.

Neal blinked back tears and nodded. Peter moved closer, resting his hand on Neal’s lower back. “I’m okay,” Neal whispered thickly. “I just don’t like the idea of not having you in my life, Nick. You changed my life and I don’t think I’d be alive right now if I didn’t have you.”

“Why?” Nicky asked curiously.

“When you were born, I was going through a really rough time. I was in a really bad relationship. When that relationship was nearing its end, I was going downhill very quickly. I had alcohol and drug problems galore and Uncle Mozzie didn’t know if I’d end up inadvertently killing myself at some point.” Nicky, to an extent, was aware of what his father had been through during the time period he was mentioning. “When I found out about you, I changed my life. I wanted you and I knew I needed to be a responsible father. I couldn’t care for you and love you the way I’ve always loved you if I kept drinking and doing drugs. I was absolutely miserable before you were born and you became the light of my life when I brought you home with me.” Nicky smiled even as tears glistened in his eyes. “I didn’t want to abandon you. I wanted to be a good daddy, so I changed my entire lifestyle and I did my damnedest to keep you happy, Nick. When you were happy, I was happy. When you were sad, I was sad. If I didn’t have you, I would’ve felt empty—like I had nothing to live for.”

Nicky reached up to rub his father’s tears away, whispering, “I’m glad you’re alive, daddy. You’re not just a good daddy—you’re a great daddy. My mom died when she had me. If I didn’t have you, I don’t know what I’d have, but it definitely wouldn’t feel this good.” Neal chuckled quietly. “Thank you, daddy, for everything you’ve ever done for me—and everything you’ll do for me in the future.”

Neal laughed as tears slid down his cheeks. He pulled his son against him, hugging him. “It’s my job as your daddy to make you happy.”

•◊•

Neal set a beer down in front of his husband, lowering his own glass of wine to the table as he took a seat on the couch. He glanced to his left, watching Peter. “I can’t imagine how different my life would be if you weren’t here,” he said quietly. Peter met Neal’s eyes then and added, “Not just mine. As Nicky said, he wouldn’t have you or his birthmother if things were different. There’s always that possibility that he would’ve ended up in an abusive, neglectful home. I wouldn’t be openly gay with a beautiful husband. I would probably still be closeted, which means Elizabeth would be as well. She wouldn’t be married to Diana and they wouldn’t have a daughter together.” Glancing at the baby monitor on the table, he whispered, “I wouldn’t have my babies. I love Nicky to death and I love our twins just as much. I…can’t imagine not having them in my life.”

“You’ll never have to know how it would feel,” Neal whispered. “I told you that I’m not going to make any more suicide attempts. I’ve learned because you opened my eyes to reality.” He took Peter’s hand in his, intertwining their fingers. “I wanted to kill myself for a long time, but I know I can’t do that. I have you and the kids to take care of—to love. You don’t deserve to have a husband who abandons you because he killed himself. It would be so fucking selfish of me to do that to the four of you.”

Peter lifted his beer and drank out of it, sighing quietly. “I don’t like going to bed without you. You keep me warm and you make me happy. When my arms are around you or when your head is on my chest, I’m so damn happy.”

Neal nodded slowly, scooting closer to his husband, resting their intertwined hands on his left thigh. “I haven’t left our bed recently,” he whispered.

“You’re right,” Peter agreed. “I’m glad you’re staying with me. I love going to sleep beside you almost as much as I love waking up to you.” Neal smiled and Peter’s eyes searched his. “Are you finally forgiving yourself?” he asked tentatively.

“Yes,” Neal said quietly. “I still kind of believe that what I did to you was wrong. I hate myself for hurting you, but I can’t stop that. I’ve hated myself for a long time,” he whispered, frowning. “I don’t understand how you can be so forgiving sometimes. In the past, I’ve understood to an extent. You’ve never held my rapes against me and I truly appreciate that. You’ve never resented me for protecting you and for protecting our son. I’m still learning to tell myself that it wasn’t my fault that I was raped, but you’ve helped me a great deal by being so…accepting and warm.”

Peter kissed Neal’s cheek before resting his forehead against the side of Neal’s face. “I didn’t have to forgive you in those instances. You were being yourself by protecting people you care about. How am I supposed to hold that against you when I’m one of the people you protected?” Tears slid down Neal’s face as he listened to his husband. “I love you. What you did for me… Neal, I can’t think of anyone who would have willingly subjected themselves to what you went through in order to protect me. I don’t think I’m all that special or important, but what you did for me…”

“I did it because I love you and I didn’t want you to suffer,” he whispered. “I was raped for three years by Adler and I knew Craig was a bastard when I first met him. He tried to come after me when I was fifteen, but Adler was overly protective of me—thank God.” Shaking his head, he quietly said, “I never want you to know how it feels to have your body penetrated viciously. I never want you to experience rape firsthand. I love you too much to allow it. You are a wonderful man. If you were raped…”

The older man gently rubbed his head against Neal’s, closing his eyes. “I never would’ve asked you to protect me the way you did, but I’ll never be able to thank you enough for doing what you did.”

“We weren’t even engaged at the same,” Neal said, laughing lightly. He inhaled sharply, trying to refrain from crying more than he already had. “I loved you so much then. I would’ve given my life for you as I would have given it for Nicky. You and Nick were the most important people in my life and I never wanted anything to happen to either of you.”

“I love you, Neal,” Peter whispered. He gently shifted and bumped his nose against Neal’s playfully.

“Peter, I love you very much.”

Both men ended up in their bedroom with Neal’s wine glass. Peter didn’t want his beer in that moment, but he was sharing wine with his husband before they stripped down to their birthday suits and climbed into bed together. Peter was on his back with Neal straddling his waist. Neal’s hands were planted against the pillows and he was kissing the older man fiercely, passionately. “I fucking love your mouth,” Peter gasped when Neal moved away from Peter’s lips to suck on Peter’s neck. He could feel Neal grinning against him and he loved it. He didn’t feel the need to compliment his husband since they’d been together for a little more than half a decade, but he knew compliments made Neal feel a hell of a lot better about what he was doing. “Mm,” he moaned when Neal sucked his way down to Peter’s collarbone. He rested his hands on Neal’s biceps, closing his eyes as he gave himself over to the warmth of his husband’s lips.

Neal sucked on Peter’s nipples, gently teasing them until they were hardened. He knew what Peter liked when he felt a little adventurous. Peter tried to sit up and Neal gently pushed him back down onto the bed. “Uh uh. You stay down, love.”

Peter desperately wanted to touch or kiss Neal, but Neal’s face and cock were out of his immediate reach. “This is borderline torture,” he teased when Neal began to plant kisses down his abdomen, nearing Peter’s extremely hardened cock. Neal chuckled, shaking his head. “You think I’m kidding. I love everything you do, but I’m always anxious because I know what’s— _oh._ ”

The younger man kissed the tip of Peter’s cock before licking around it, keeping his eyes on Peter even as he took the hard length into his mouth. Peter kept moaning and he was able to weave his fingers through Neal’s hair then. Neal loved when Peter did that. He felt special and he didn’t know why, but he liked it nonetheless. “How are you doing, Mister Burke?” he asked playfully when he pulled away to breathe, stroking Peter with his left hand.

“I want to take you right now,” he groaned. “You’re irresistible and so God damn beautiful…”

Neal chuckled. “Patience, my love.”

“Give me your ass.” Neal froze until Peter added, “I want to pleasure you while you’re pleasuring me, baby. I’m not forcing you to, you know…”

“Right. Yeah,” he said, embarrassed. He shifted his body around until he and Peter were in a sixty-nine position. He was about to swallow his husband’s length, but he was surprised when he felt Peter’s tongue near his hole. Peter had never done _that_ before, but Neal wouldn’t deny that he liked it.

Neal sucked on his husband and made a startled, pleased noise when Peter’s tongue slipped into him. It felt so…different, but he did like it and he’d definitely encourage it, so he kept moaning. Peter’s hands were caressing Neal’s ass as he continued to lick into him. Eventually, Neal was struggling to make sure he was giving his husband the same amount of pleasure he was being given. “I’m gonna open you up a little if that’s okay.”

“Yes,” Neal breathed.

Peter spat on his fingers, tentatively probing his husband, scissoring him open after a few moments. “Okay, baby,” Peter said softly, knowing his husband was as open as he was going to get for now. Neal sucked on Peter a few moments longer before twisting so he was face to face with his husband, smiling at him with a bright flush on each of their faces. “Wow. You really liked when I was licking you, didn’t you?”

Neal nodded, whispering, “I did. You’ve never done it before.”

Their bodies connected not too long thereafter and Neal slowly bounced atop his husband, kissing him leisurely. After a few minutes, Peter gently gripped Neal’s hips, stilling him. “I love you, angel. You’re such a beautiful man.” He felt the need to stop in the middle of their lovemaking just to let Neal know that he’s truly in love with him even as they’re physically intimate. He didn’t think Neal believed that their relationship was strictly physical, but he liked reminding his husband that he is loved for more than just sex.

“I love you, too,” Neal whispered, rubbing Peter’s chest. He ghosted his fingers over Peter’s bullet scar, smiling faintly. “I’m so lucky to have you in my life, Peter. I’ve been a suicide risk for more than two decades, but I can’t imagine a world where you no longer exist. I’m very fortunate to have you…”

Peter shook his head. “You’re not nearly as lucky as I am. If I didn’t have luck on my side, I’m not sure if we’d have fallen in love,” he teased.

“I like to believe that it was fate or destiny that brought us together,” Neal said softly. “When I look at you, I know that you’re _the one._ There can never be another man in my life that will hold my heart as you do.”

The older man rolled them over, loving the way Neal smiled up at him. He held Neal’s legs against his. He loved bending his husband around like this. It really turned him on, knowing his husband is a very limber man. “You’re the _only_ one for me, Neal George,” Peter said passionately. He began to rock against his husband again, making love to him the way he always has. The first time Neal orgasmed, his chest heaved and tears slid down the sides of his face. The second time, he cried out quietly. The third and final time he orgasmed, he was a little louder and Peter’s name escaped his lips like a prayer. Peter was only able to orgasm once, but it was just as satisfying as watching Neal orgasm three times.

Neal’s breathing was erratic as Peter rested his head on Neal’s chest, closing his eyes. Peter was trying very hard to make Neal orgasm more than once just because he wanted to give his lover all of the pleasure he could potentially give. “If you weren’t with me, my life would suck,” Neal said thickly, cradling the back of Peter’s head with his left hand while reaching up to rub his eyes with his right hand. “After everything I’ve been through and everything _we_ have been through as a couple, I don’t know how you can put up with me sometimes, but it means so much to me.”

“I knew I wanted you when I first looked into your eyes,” Peter admitted. “Your eyes have mesmerized me since the moment they locked onto me. I love your beautiful smile and the way it touches your eyes when you’re truly happy.” Peter rubbed Neal’s abdomen, sighing contentedly. “I don’t care about your past. I love you for being the man you are right now. It isn’t like you’re a murderer or a rapist yourself. You’re an angel in disguise and I consider that a once in a lifetime kind of relationship.”

“You’ve saved me countless times,” Neal said. “You’re an angel as well, Peter Michael.” Peter pressed his forehead against Neal’s, smiling silently with his eyes closed as he pecked Neal’s lips occasionally. He loves his husband so damn much. He’d give anything to keep Neal alive and healthy—and with him.

No matter what happened between them, they always made it through the fog and found their love for one another. That love always proved to be stronger than either of them ever imagined that it was, but they needed that strong bond. Neal and Peter needed to feel connected—physically and emotionally. As long as the sparks between them kept coming, their marriage and relationship in general would last.


	46. Chapter 46

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Burkes celebrate Nicky's fifteenth birthday.

Elizabeth smiled as she opened the door. Neal was, as promised, standing outside with a box in his arms. “Hello, sweetheart.”

“Hey, El,” he said softly, shifting the box into the crook of his right arm while he wrapped his left around Elizabeth’s waist for a gentle hug.

“I’m glad you came over,” she said excitedly.

He raised an eyebrow. “As long as your wife isn’t home, I’m perfectly fine with staying for a little while.”

She nodded, understanding. “Diana took Elsa to her mother’s house. I stayed home to work on laundry.” Neal gave her a look of confusion. “Her mother doesn’t exactly like me,” Elizabeth explained. “It’s all right though. I want Elsa to know her grandmother.”

“You’re more gracious than I am,” he whispered.

She shook her head, whispering, “No. What you did was completely different and for good reason, honey.” She waved him in and took the box from him, setting it on the couch nearby. He promised he’d be bringing some of Brie’s smaller clothing over for her to go through and she was excited to look at the cute things Neal bought for his daughter. “Your mother hurt you in ways that would make her untrustworthy to me if I were you. You protected your son, Neal, and there’s nothing wrong with that.”

Neal’s brows furrowed as he thought about his mother. Deep down, he was hurting for the way he treated her. “I’ll never know if she actually cared about him. I feel like she was just lying through her teeth when she was with him because that was how she raised me. She lied to me every day. She told me my father was dead and swore to me that Vincent loved me like his son.” Elizabeth gave him a sympathetic look and he sighed. “Now they’re both dead.”

“Peter said you didn’t go to their funerals,” she said quietly.

“I’d never go to Vincent’s funeral,” he said bitterly. “I’m glad that son of a bitch is dead.” He was the one who’d killed Vincent, which was an additional reason that he wouldn’t have gone to the funeral. Attending the funeral of the man who raped him and who he had killed would have been wrong on so many levels. “I couldn’t go to my mother’s. My dad went, but I…couldn’t. It’s awful to say that, even after her death, I still feel nothing but hatred towards her. She gave life to me and I watched as her life was taken. I didn’t mourn for her like a normal son would.”

Elizabeth stepped closer to him, wrapping her arms around him. He slid his arms around her as well and relaxed. “You don’t have to explain yourself to me,” she whispered against him. “I know what they both did to you and I don’t blame you for not going. I don’t think I would have gone either.” She rubbed his back, kissing his chest. “Did Michael go?” she asked curiously.

“Yes. Despite what he did to me, Vincent is Mike’s father. He took care of Mike…” She nodded, squeezing him. “They _raised_ him. His father loved him. Our mother…was never around, but he attended her funeral as well.” Elizabeth closed her eyes as she listened to her ex-husband’s husband. She loves Neal dearly and she’d cried tears of joy when she’d discovered that he was alive. Diana was furious once she was given the whole story, but Elizabeth was overwhelmed with happiness because she knew Peter wouldn’t have to be alone anymore. “He asked me if he could go,” Neal said softly. “He didn’t want to hurt me, so he asked how I felt about it. Vincent was never my father and she was never my mother, but they loved Mike more than they loved me. I wouldn’t tell him he couldn’t say his last goodbye to them.”

They separated and Neal gave her a small, sad smile. “You’re a good man, sweetie.” She rubbed his arms slowly, smiling up at him. “And some young man’s birthday is next week.”

Neal chuckled, nodding. “Yes. That young man is going to be fifteen.” He shook his head, sighing. “He’s not allowed to grow up anymore.”

Giggling, Elizabeth grabbed his hand and led him into the kitchen. She opened a book that was on the countertop and said, “I want to bake his cake this year, sweetie.” He raised an eyebrow, grinning at her. “He gave me an idea of a few things he likes, but he’s ultimately your little boy, so I thought I’d get your opinion.”

“I’m not used to someone else baking his cake,” he teased. “For the last fourteen years, I’ve made it myself.”

“Well, honey bunches, you’ve been an amazing daddy for the last fourteen years and will be for the rest of your life. You need a break sometimes.” She lifted her hand and patted his cheek gently. “Just so you know, I’m more than happy to bake a cake for the twins as well—and you, since your birthday is pretty close to their birthday.”

Neal rolled his eyes. “I can make my own cake, El. It’s more for the kids and Peter than anyone else though.” She gave him a look of question. “I only have, like, one or two slices of the entire thing. Nick and Peter ate whatever was left of it. I haven’t been into the whole birthday thing lately—for myself anyway. I’m definitely celebrating the births of the people I love though.”

Elizabeth didn’t ask why he felt that way. She had a theory as to why he didn’t want to celebrate his birthday, but she knew not to ask nonetheless. Since meeting Peter, Neal’s been pretty excited about his own birthday. However, his last birthday had been spent with two rapists who tortured him and traumatized his son. She couldn’t blame him for not wanting to celebrate a year later.

Wrapping her arm around his waist, she began to flip through pages of images. Neal smiled as she leafed through them with him. Honestly, he found it difficult to pick only one of the images in the book to use for his son’s birthday cake. They were all images of things he really liked, so Neal couldn’t pick a single image right that moment. He’d interrogate his son subtly and get back to Elizabeth about it when he figured out what Nicky liked more. All he wanted for his not-so-little boy was for him to have a good birthday. Fifteen wasn’t significant, but he wanted all of Nicky’s birthdays to feel as though they were.

When Nicky turns sixteen, eighteen, and twenty one, Neal wanted to do some special things for him. He was excited for those particular birthdays, but his son is special—as is the twins’ birthday. If he celebrated nothing else for the rest of the year, he wanted his children to be celebrated.

•◊•

Peter was half asleep as he woke up to his husband singing softly beside him. He glanced up at him and Neal hadn’t realized he was awake just yet. “I’m beaten down again,” he whispered. “I belong to them. Beaten down again—I’ve failed you. I’m weaker now, my friend. I belong to them. Beaten down again—I’ve failed you.” Peter’s heart clenched as he listened to his husband, immediately picking up on his mood from those lyrics alone. “The deception you show is your own parasite—just a word of advice you can heed if you like,” he sang, his voice sounding thicker. “And now I’m convinced on the inside—that something’s wrong with me. Convinced on the inside—you’re so much more than me. Yeah. I’m—”

“You’re lying to yourself,” Peter whispered, scaring the living hell out of the younger man. Neal stared at him, wide-eyed with tears glistening on his cheeks. Peter rested his hand on Neal’s left thigh, rubbing his bare skin slowly. “Honey…”

Neal quickly rubbed his face, sighing shakily. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you.”

Peter pushed himself up enough to press a gentle kiss against Neal’s lips. “What’s wrong, baby?”

“I feel like such a failure,” he said sorrowfully. “It’s making me sick.”

The older man sat up entirely, wrapping his arms around Neal when Neal leaned against him. He gently hushed his husband as he cried. “It’s okay, honey,” he said softly. He nuzzled the side of Neal’s face, sighing quietly. “Why do you feel this way?”

Glancing at the clock, Peter answered his own question even as Neal answered him. “It’s Nicky’s birthday,” he said brokenly. “Not even two fucking weeks later, we were fucking kidnapped and I was raped—repeatedly. I-I—I’m…”

Peter watched his husband fall to pieces. “Baby,” Peter said sadly. “It’s okay. They can _never_ rape you again, sweetheart.” He adjusted his hold on Neal as Neal twisted towards him, holding onto him desperately. “Everything’s going to be okay, my love. I promise. No one will ever hurt you the way they hurt you again.”

“They tormented my son,” he whispered as he began to sob. “I—couldn’t stop it. I failed him. I didn’t save him from them, from hearing and seeing—”

“Honey,” Peter interjected. “Honey, it’s okay. You’re okay and so is Nicky. You’re both alive and healthy. You’ve survived, angel. Both of you have.” Neal breathed heavily as his right hand slid over the scar on Peter’s chest. “Neither of them can kidnap you or Nicky ever again. You’re safe and they’re both dead.”

“But Nicky—”

“—has nothing to fear,” Peter whispered. “He’s glad they’re gone. He’s not afraid of them coming after you anymore. If they aren’t looking for you, they aren’t coming for any of us. They can _never_ take you or Nick away again.”

Neal nodded, shutting his eyes tightly as Peter’s fingers ghosted over his back. “I love him,” Neal whispered. “I don’t want him to suffer.”

Peter smiled sadly, kissing his husband’s hair. “He won’t suffer anymore, Neal. He knows they can’t take you from him anymore and he won’t be forced to endure anything like that ever again in his lifetime. Those bastards are gone. They took everything with them, including their ability to torture you—and now they’re going to rot in the depths of hell for eternity.”

Neal nodded again as tears slid down his cheeks. He didn’t want to keep rehashing the past, but it happened at the most random moments. He always felt guilty, but this feeling was intense. He blamed himself for every instance in which he was raped, but he really beat himself up about the way Nicky was treated during their last kidnapping. That coupled with his guilt for lying to Peter was traumatic. He didn’t know what to do with himself because he felt like everything he did was wrong.

The older man simply held him, giving him as much support and reassurance as he could. He would never hesitate to hold his husband when he’s feeling this way. Peter knew Neal couldn’t help it. This was all psychological and Neal’s been through hell and back repeatedly. Peter would never blame Neal for falling apart like this. It wasn’t as often as it used to be, but Neal still had his moments of vulnerability when he really relied on Peter. He’d always rely on Peter and Peter would always be right there for him to rely on.

•◊•

Nicky woke up to several kisses pressed against his forehead and cheeks. Upon opening his eyes, he found his fathers in his bedroom. Neal was kneeling beside the bed and Peter was standing a little ways behind him, smiling at their son. “Morning, daddy. Morning, poppa.”

“Good morning,” both men whispered.

“What’s up?”

Peter rested his hand on Neal’s shoulder, squeezing it gently. Nicky raised an eyebrow as Neal smiled up at Peter, baring a very obvious hickey on his neck that hadn’t been there when Nicky went to sleep the previous night. Neal met Nicky’s gaze and his smile didn’t falter for a moment. “It’s a really special day today. I’m not sure if you know what today is.”

Nicky made a thoughtful sound, giggling when he looked at Peter. “I don’t know, daddy. What’s today?”

Neal leaned over him and grinned, cheerfully saying, “It’s my baby’s fifteenth birthday,” before he began to press kisses all over Nicky’s face again. Nicky giggled, loving his father for waking him up this way. He may be a fifteen year old boy, but he felt like a five year old and loved his dad very much. “Fifteen kisses for the birthday boy,” he said, chuckling as he pulled away.

The teenager pushed himself up and hugged his father, closing his eyes as he smiled. “I love you, daddy.”

“Happy birthday, baby.” Neal rubbed his son’s back and eventually pulled away to smile softly at him.

Peter shifted closer and lowered himself enough to pull Nicky into a hug as well. “Happy birthday, my little buddy,” he said. Neal kept smiling as he watched his husband and son. Nicky looked totally at ease in Peter’s arms and Neal loved that. He loved that they had Peter. Peter has proven to be very trustworthy over the years as well as very loving and nurturing. Not only did he take care of Neal, but he took care of Nicky and the twins as well. Neal, prior to Peter, wasn’t used to being treated like a normal boyfriend. He’d had several bad relationships over the years that he wasn’t proud of, but Peter would be his last. He could be himself without worrying that Peter would walk away from him because he seemed insane at times.

Peter stuck with him through a great deal of things that Neal never would have expected him to nor would he have asked him to stay. Peter kissed Nicky’s temple, smiling at the teen when he pulled away. “I love you guys—a lot.”

“You know we love you just as much,” Peter said sincerely, meeting Neal’s eyes.

Nicky slid out of bed and took his fathers’ hands. “I’m really lucky,” he said softly, “to have you two as my dads.”

Peter squeezed Nicky’s hand as soon as they were downstairs. “Having you as one of our sons is a blessing,” Peter said. “You’re a wonderful young man. Dad and I are very proud of you.”

Neal went into the kitchen to make breakfast for Nicky while Peter sat on the couch in the living room with their son curled up against him. Peter was stroking Nicky’s hair absently as Nicky flipped through television channels, trying to find something to watch. Both Peter and Neal took the day off to spend it with Nicky since it was a Friday. Nicky told Trent he was taking off and invited Trent over for dinner. Nicky was excited for tonight. He wouldn’t have minded just spending the entire night with his fathers and siblings, but he liked that his dad was giving him a little party. Elizabeth and Diana, Mozzie, and a few of their other friends were coming over to give him gifts. He knew Elizabeth would come with the cake and he was eager to see it.

“Poppa?” Peter made a sound of acknowledgment, glancing down at Nicky. “Can we plan something nice for dad’s birthday?”

“Of course,” Peter said, smiling softly at his son.

Nicky grinned. “I want to make him really happy. I’m trying to think of something we can do for him.”

Peter smirked to himself, knowing he had one way to make his husband happy. Neal loved birthday sex even though Peter tried to make every day special. Sometimes, it couldn’t be helped. Peter just made sure he made special days _special._ The anniversary of the day they met, the anniversary of the beginning of their relationship and marriage, their birthdays, and Valentine’s Day were special days. This year’s Valentine’s Day hadn’t gone very well, but Peter vowed to make next year a hell of a lot better. “I’m sure we’ll figure out something, kiddo.”

“You’ve got a dirty mind,” Nicky teased, giggling. Peter smiled wryly at him, smacking his head playfully. “I know that’s what you were thinking about, poppa.”

“Mind your own business,” he said, chuckling. “When you’re older, you’ll understand.”

Nicky smiled. “I hope Trent and I are like you and dad someday.” Peter wanted to laugh, but he held back. He and Neal had an interesting relationship when there was no drama. Neal, despite his past, is a real sex fiend on occasion. He’s a very passionate, very active, very provocative man when they’re alone—and in a good mood.

Deciding to change the focus of that particular conversation, he said, “I hope you do, too. The way dad and I feel about each other… It’s special, Nick, in ways that I can’t describe. Dad means everything to me and I don’t know how I’d ever be able to go on if he were really gone.”

“If Trent feels like that about me, do you think we’d make it? Do you think I’d be able to marry Trent?”

Peter smiled at his son. “If he feels like this about you, then yes. I’m very in love with dad. I’d do anything for him no matter what.” Sighing contentedly, he added, “Whether or not you marry Trent is what you’ll have to work towards, Nick. Dad and I didn’t meet and immediately tell each other we wanted to get married. I proposed to him early into our relationship, but we were married on the second anniversary of initiating our relationship.” He rubbed Nicky’s thigh thoughtfully, thinking about how much he and Neal had been through in the last several years. “If you can find someone who regrets none of the time you’ve spent together, then he or she is the one.” He glanced in the direction of the kitchen, whispering, “I’ll never regret meeting your father. Every moment I’ve spent with him has made me love him all the more.”

Nicky kept smiling, nodding. He knew his poppa loves his dad very much. There were several instances in which Peter could have walked away from it all, ultimately proving that he didn’t care or wasn’t able to handle the situation. The fact that he’s stayed with Neal through everything spoke volumes to Nicky. If Peter could love Neal after being told that he’d been raped, enduring several moments of drama, and surviving two rapes that Peter saved him from, then there’s no reason why someone would be unable to love him this way. Nicky knew he didn’t have nearly as many issues as Neal, but he was traumatized in his own way. Sometimes, that trauma was so subtle that everyone would think it was gone, but Nicky cried every single time he thought about his father lying on the cold ground in nothing but the chains they’d shackled him with.

Both of them glanced up at Neal as Neal returned. He froze, alternatively looking between his husband and son. “Did I miss something?”

“Nothing,” Peter whispered, rising from the couch. He neared his husband and pulled him into a hug, wrapping his arms around Neal protectively and lovingly. Neal was confused, but he returned the hug completely. “I’m undeniably very in love with you, my angel.”

Neal smiled, burying his face against Peter’s neck, pressing gentle kisses against his skin. “As I am with you, my big teddy.” Peter chuckled, rubbing Neal’s back. “Are you okay?” he whispered quietly enough so that only Peter could hear him.

Peter nodded, resting his left hand at the center of Neal’s back. “I’m always okay if I have you.” He held his husband against him longer than he’d intended and he was glad Neal loves him as much as he loves Neal. The younger man would never pull away from him when they were having a moment like this. It just wasn’t in his nature to shy away from Peter when both of them were in a good mood and feeling particularly affectionate. Neal loved being held by Peter. It made him feel important and special, made him feel like he belongs right where he is.

The older man kissed his husband’s shoulder before slowly beginning to break their embrace. Neal smiled up at him when they were separated. Peter’s hands remained on Neal, resting on his hips, and he felt compelled to sweep his husband off of his feet and carry him up to their bedroom. It wasn’t solely because he wanted to make love to the younger man. Above all else, he wanted to protect his husband and surround him with an endless amount of unconditional love.

Neal rubbed Peter’s chest before shifting a bit to view his son. “Poppa and I didn’t buy gifts for you this year, kiddo, but we have two hundred dollars for you to spend on whatever you’d like.” Nicky grinned, looking happier than Neal imagined he would be. He felt like Nicky would be disappointed in them for not giving him gifts, but Nicky seemed to like the idea of being given money to buy things he’ll definitely want.

“That’s perfectly fine with me,” he said happily. “You plan on going from store to store with me, dad?”

“I figured we could all go out a little later tonight. Aunt El invited us over to her house for a dinner she’s cooking for you. When we leave her house, we can go wherever you want.”

Nicky nodded, watching Neal sneakily pull Peter’s wallet out of Peter’s jeans. He giggled when Neal opened the wallet and pulled out two hundred in twenties. “Thanks, daddy,” he said when Neal gave the money to him. “Thank you, poppa.” He hugged them both before darting off to go play.

Peter glanced at his husband’s hands and his brows furrowed. “Is that my wallet?” Neal grinned at him, holding it out for him to take. Peter looked like he wanted to swat Neal’s ass and Neal probably would have let him if he wanted to. “Sneaky, little bastard,” he said endearingly as he kissed Neal’s nose. “It was in my pocket. How the hell did you get it?”

“I know a couple things Mozzie taught me when he first met me.” Peter raised an eyebrow. “Pickpocketing comes in handy when you’re broke and on your own.”

“Well, you aren’t broke and you’re _certainly_ not on your own now.” Peter smirked at him before tossing the wallet onto the nearby coffee table. He took his husband by surprise, manhandling him playfully until Neal was completely in his arms. Neal’s own arms were wrapped around Peter’s neck and he was laughing quietly, smiling at Peter. “You have your moments that make me think you would’ve been a very intelligent, skilled conman in some alternate reality.” Both of them chuckled at that. “I’m not sure if I would’ve met you if you were on the other side of the law.”

Neal shrugged, kissing Peter’s jaw. “Who knows? Maybe you would’ve caught me in the end—tamed me a bit.” Peter rolled his eyes, laughing quietly. He doubted Neal, given his past, would’ve gone down the road of a criminal. After he’d been violated against his will, it made sense that Neal worked in law enforcement. Peter, now that he was giving it some thought, considered that Neal subconsciously sought to work for the FBI because he wanted justice—or revenge.

Peter was glad Neal was on his side. This side of the law did give him the justice he deserved. He’d locked away both of the bastards who’d raped him as well as the ones who abused him in more ways than one. That was partly why he’d been really upset with Neal after Neal explained that he wasn’t a spirit or a ghost. Fowler and Keller both hurt Neal in the past and Neal worked with _them._ He’d hidden the truth from Peter and their family, but he’d worked with two of the men who’d hurt him.

“Taming you… What, would you actually _be_ a manwhore if you were a conman?” he teased.

Neal shrugged again. “It’s possible. If my life were different—if I wasn’t raped, I might have followed in my father’s footsteps. Only God knows what kind of man I’d be right now if I hadn’t been raped and if I wasn’t working for the FBI.”

Peter kissed Neal gently, making sure his hold on Neal wasn’t slack. The last thing he wanted to do was drop his husband. He, fortunately, has never done that, but he didn’t want to push his luck. “Though I’m very sacrilegious when it comes to your God,” he began, “I believe that he controls who we meet in our lives. I believe in rebirth and I believe you and I would have met and fallen in love no matter who or what we were.”

That really touched Neal because he knew Peter didn’t believe in God at all for a variety of reasons that Neal understood. For Peter to say something semi-religious and sentimental like that was really special to Neal. “I share that belief,” he whispered. “If we were to die right now and come back as someone else, I hope I’d find you.”

“I’d scour the earth for someone like you, Neal.” He paused and allowed the brief silence to loom over them before saying, “Fuck that. I wouldn’t look for someone _like_ you. I would look for _you._ ”

Neal chuckled, resting his head on Peter’s shoulder. “I could fall in love with you for the rest of eternity. No matter who we are now or who we may become after we die, you’re my soulmate. No one is going to take your place in my life. You and I were made for each other to begin with.”

“This really makes me wonder if we’ve been together in past lives.” Neal liked thinking about that. He liked imagining himself loving Peter in some other time period even if they weren’t Neal and Peter. “If that’s the case, then I’ve taken your virginity at least a few times, I imagine.”

“Way to ruin that one,” Neal said as he smacked the back of Peter’s head. “You’re such a dick sometimes,” he added, rolling his eyes.

Peter smiled at him when Neal looked up. “Loving you for eternity is a blessing. I could fall in love with you no matter the time period, the planet, the state, the country… No matter who we are, I would find you and fall in love with you.”

Throughout this whole conversation they’d had, Nicky overheard them. He’d been coming back to ask his dad to fix the television downstairs, but he wasn’t going to interfere in his parents’ conversation. He liked when they were like this, talking about their relationship and how much it means to them both. He liked knowing that his fathers were deeply committed to each other, wishing they could love the other for eternity. Neal and Peter would have problems every now and then, but they always resolved them in the end because neither of them wanted to leave the other.

Neal didn’t want to leave the man who both respects and loves him and Peter didn’t want to leave his sensitive and loving partner. Love was the key factor that kept them together no matter what. It was their glue.

Listening to them, Nicky desperately hoped that he could fall in love with Trent—or someone else—as passionately as his fathers fell in love with each other.

•◊•

“Look at him,” Neal whispered. Peter glanced up from his daughter perched upon his lap and watched their oldest son. He looked so happy as El showered him with gifts and his beautiful cake. She bought him a whole collection of little items that he probably wouldn’t play with or use often, but he appreciated them nonetheless. “He’s just so…”

“Normal and happy?” Peter suggested. Neal nodded, rubbing Joey’s fingers gently. “Neal, he’s okay. It’s his birthday and he knows everything is just fine now.” Leaning to his left, he planted a gentle kiss upon Neal’s cheek. “He has no reason to be afraid or hurt. You know you’re his priority—and you’re _safe._ ”

Neal does know that he’s his son’s priority. Nicky has always relied on him and Neal has always tried to please his son. As the teenager was growing up, Neal knew that Nicky felt responsible for things he wasn’t even responsible for. He felt like he’d been at fault for Peter and Neal’s little spat upon Neal’s return, but both of his fathers had to assure him that it _wasn’t_ his fault, that he had nothing to do with it.

Across the room, Neal could feel eyes on him. He risked a glance to his left and regretted it almost instantly. Diana was glaring at him, wishing he’d spontaneously combust or something. She still wanted Peter to leave him because of what he’d done, but she was a little more withdrawn now that Peter had spoken to her about it that day in the office. She still fumed in silence and it made Neal uncomfortable. “I’m safe as long as I stay out of Diana’s range,” he whispered, averting his eyes quickly.

Peter’s brows furrowed, at least until he met Diana’s gaze. A single glare from Peter had Diana leaving the room a little dejectedly. “Problem solved,” Peter said quietly.

The two men intertwined their fingers while holding each of the twins. The doorbell rang and Diana returned quickly to open the door since Elizabeth was preoccupied. “Oh. Hi, Rebecca.”

Neal glanced up at the doorway, curious. He hadn’t invited Rebecca nor had he told her where they were celebrating Nicky’s birthday. “Hi, Diana. It’s good to see you again.” Diana gestured for her to enter and she immediately turned to find Neal, smiling at him. “Hi, Neal—Peter.”

“Hey, Rebecca,” he said. “Here for Nick’s birthday?” It was meant to be a small party and just family, but Rebecca somehow knew. Michael and Melissa hadn’t even known until the last possible moment that they were invited.

“Yep!” she responded cheerfully. “I almost forgot that it was his birthday, but I saw Elizabeth’s status on facebook and felt like I should bring him a gift—even if I’m not on the guest list.”

“You didn’t have to do that,” he teased. “We didn’t have a guest list, really. It was just a little family gathering kinda thing. I’m sure Nicky will appreciate whatever you’ve gotten him.”

She shrugged, giving him a sheepish smile. “It’s a gift card for Amazon.” Neal smiled softly, knowing his son would like that. He’d have to create an account on Amazon for his son and then apply the gift card to the account so Nicky could use it on his own.

Neal led her towards the couch he and Peter were sharing and said, “Thank you, Rebecca.”

Peter glanced at Rebecca, seeing how close she was to his husband. She could practically sit on Neal’s lap if Joey weren’t already doing that. He wasn’t jealous of her by any means, but he wouldn’t forget the way she’d terrified him a few years ago. Anything or anyone who hurt his husband was immediately on his hit-list. Vincent and Craig are both dead, so the two biggest offenders were taken care of. “How’ve you guys been?” she asked, leaning forward to include Peter in the conversation.

“Very good,” Peter said. Neal could hear a little bit of tension in Peter’s voice. Upon glancing at his husband, Neal realized that Peter was a little defensive—and protective. He scooted closer to Neal, sliding his left arm around the younger man. Neal smiled to himself as he glanced down at Joey. Peter wanted him all to himself, but Neal wished Peter would see that he already has all of Neal. He gave himself to Peter completely the day they’d been married—before that even. He’d never willingly divorce the older man and he certainly wouldn’t allow Peter to initiate a divorce if he could help it.

“Daddy! Poppa!” Both Neal and Peter’s attention immediately flew to their son who darted into the room. “Look!” He held his arm out and showed his fathers a new watch he’d been given by Elizabeth.

Neal tried his best not to choke on his next inhale. That looked like an extremely expensive watch. “That looks really nice—and really good on you, Nick,” Peter complimented, earning a grin from his son. Neal told him it looked great and then Nicky sat beside Peter, talking to him.

The younger man loved watching Nicky and Peter. Their bond looked so natural to him and he loved that Nicky was able to view Peter as his other father. Neal turned a bit when Rebecca tapped his left thigh. He gave her a small smile and she looked like something was bothering her. “Is everything okay?” he asked as his brows furrowed.

“Yes.” Neal instantly saw through that. He knew when he was trying to hide something, so he knew when she was trying to do the same. She sighed heavily, realizing that he didn’t believe that. “Can I talk to you alone?”

Neal nodded, rubbing Peter’s leg. Peter glanced at him as he rose from the couch. “I’ll be right back, babe.” Peter nodded, returning his focus to their son. Neal followed Rebecca into the kitchen since everyone was in the living room. “What’s going on, Rebecca?”

“I’m having financial problems,” she whispered. Neal was going to offer to give her some money—money he’d gotten out of his mother and stepfather’s deaths. He hadn’t wanted it, but he claimed it. The only reason he did was because he wanted to provide for his family, which is how they’d gotten their new bullet-hole-free house. She stopped him immediately, saying, “I’m not asking for money, Neal. That’s…not me. I wouldn’t come to you for that.”

“What can I do to help?”

She looked nervous as she asked, “Can I stay with you and Peter for a couple days? I’m sure I can find someone else to house me a few days after that so I’m not in your hair too long.”

Neal shook his head. “I won’t leave you hanging. We’ve got a vacant guestroom, so you’re very welcome to occupy it.” She gave him a grateful smile and he rubbed her arm comfortingly. “I know offering you a room isn’t what you need, but…”

“Actually,” she admitted sadly, “it is. I wasn’t able to pay my landlord, so I honestly have nowhere to go right now.” He looked stunned by that. “I’m only asking for two or three days and then I promise—”

“You can stay with us as long as you need to,” he said sincerely. She thanked him with a gentle, appreciative hug, sighing contentedly against him.

He had the feeling that Peter wasn’t going to like having Rebecca with them for the unforeseeable future, but he didn’t want to leave her to fend for herself without a home. As a former street-dweller, he knew how it felt to be without a home and the means of living comfortably. Peter, protective and possessive as he may be, would understand that Neal was trying to help her out.

Peter, fortunately, is a very understanding man.

•◊•

Neal laid on his stomach beside Nicky, smiling like a child himself. Nicky bought himself a paint-by-number board and Nicky was working on it beside him. Brie and Joey were in bed since it was pretty late and Peter was helping Rebecca bring over all of her essentials. “Did you have a nice birthday, baby?”

“Yes, daddy.” He smiled down at Neal and reached over to mess up Neal’s hair, giggling when Neal chuckled. “You and poppa made it fun. You even got poppa to play _Just Dance_ with me _five_ times and we both know how much he hates dancing.”

Smirking, Neal nodded. “But we both know how much poppa loves you,” he whispered. Nicky smiled softly at his dad, knowing that Neal was happy. He’d been having his moments when he clearly wasn’t happy, but today seemed like one of his really good days.

Nicky went back to painting, whispering, “I love you and poppa a lot, dad.”

“We love you dearly, baby boy. You’re everything to us.”

The teenager set his paintbrush down and turned towards his dad, shifting to lay on his stomach beside him. “You’re both everything to me.” Neal lifted his arm and Nicky smiled as he shifted closer, letting Neal’s arm drape over him. It reminded him of the farmhouse when Neal was trying to keep him safe and warm, offering Nicky his arm as a pillow while he held him close. Nicky remembered the scent of blood, sweat, and sex as though it was burned into his memory. Everything about this particular moment was different from that hell. His dad is clean and has a vanilla scent about him. Nicky definitely preferred laying beside his father this way. “Daddy, thank you for always being here for me—for always making me happy. I’d be miserable if I had anybody else for a dad. No other dad could be _my_ daddy.”

Neal’s eyes watered as he blinked rapidly, laughing quietly. He kissed Nicky’s temple and whispered, “You’re my love, Nick. I’m glad I make you happy. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. You’re my baby, so I should make you happy and give you everything you want.”

Nicky nuzzled his face against his father, whispering, “I told you that the only thing I’ve always wanted is you—and I have you, dad.”

“Damn it, Nick,” he said, lifting his hand to rub his eyes. He chuckled and said, “Stop being so damn sweet all the time. You know I burst into tears easily.”

Nicky giggled and kissed his dad’s neck. “Sometimes, you need to hear these things. I’m old enough to understand things now and I know you think you’re not a good father.” Neal stared into his son’s eyes, wondering how the hell his own son was able to pick up on these things. “Dad, I wouldn’t trade you for anybody else in the world. Don’t you ever tell yourself that you suck at parenting. If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t be this happy.”

Neal kissed Nicky’s cheek, whispering, “I love you so much, Nicolas James. Don’t you ever forget that.”

“I know you love me because I love you just as much.”

They nuzzled noses and laughed lightly before Neal kissed his son’s hair. “Happy birthday, my young man.” And Nicky is becoming a very fine young man. He wanted Nicky to be a baby forever, but he had to accept that this wasn’t the case. Nicky was growing up and Neal knew he had to treat his son like an adult.

“Thanks, old man,” Nicky teased, giggling when Neal smiled wryly at him.

“Don’t push it, brat.”

Nicky smiled at his father, loving the man who’d raised him from day one. He was very fortunate to have Neal all his life and he wanted to make sure Neal knew that. He was only happy because Neal strived to make him happy. Neal has always done his best to please Nicky and Nicky was learning to recognize Neal’s struggles throughout the years.

He didn’t need presents or money from his dad. If not for his dad, he wouldn’t have a birthday to begin with—and he was grateful to Neal for loving him even though he hadn’t intended on being a father. Nicky couldn’t be any more thankful to have Neal than he is right now.


	47. Chapter 47

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rebecca causes tension in the Burke household.

“How much longer is she going to be with us, dad?” Nicky asked as Neal was driving him home. Nicky spent the night with Trent and Neal knew Nicky was relieved to get away from Rebecca for a night. “She kinda creeps me out…”

Neal glanced at his son. “Until she can get back on her feet.” He reached over to take Nicky’s hand, asking, “How is she creeping you out?”

Nicky intertwined their fingers, which made Neal’s heart flutter. He, personally, wouldn’t hold his parent’s hand so intimately as a fifteen year old. He wasn’t expecting his son to either. “She’s always looking at me, talking to me… Dad, I think she took pictures of you and me.”

“I’ll talk to her,” Neal vowed. He didn’t like how any of this sounded. If Rebecca had a crush on his son, he was going to have some serious problems with her. It was one thing for her to have a crush on him because he’s an adult—a happily married _gay_ adult—and it was something else when she may be interested in his _underage_ son. His son’s sexuality wasn’t even a factor. Nicky is fifteen and Rebecca is a little more than twice his age. “Has she said anything that makes you uncomfortable?”

Neal knew something was really wrong when Nicky’s grip on his hand tightened. “She said my eyes are…pretty. She’s just weird, dad. The way she looks at me makes me uncomfortable. It’s like how you look at poppa, but really strange. You and poppa don’t stare at each other like you want one thing before you totally ditch each other without any remorse.”

“You mean, like…sexually?”

“Yeah. You and poppa love each other like normal people. She has that uncomfortable ‘sex look’ when she’s around me and I don’t like it.”

Nicky was staring at his father, watching the way he was handling the situation. He was afraid to talk to his poppa, knowing Peter would lash out at her as he interrogated her. Rebecca and Neal are friends, so Neal would probably handle it better. “I’m going to talk to her. You shouldn’t be uncomfortable in your own home.”

As soon as Neal got home, he could smell the food Peter was cooking for dinner. Upon walking further into the house, he saw Rebecca playing with his twins. His anxiety shot through the roof even though Peter was right there. “Oh,” she said upon realizing they were home. “Welcome back.”

“Thanks,” Nicky murmured. Neal touched Nicky’s chest and gave him a look that told him to go upstairs. He wanted Nicky safe and out of Rebecca’s line of sight.

Once Nicky was gone, Neal went into the kitchen. “Hi, honey,” Peter said as he leaned down to kiss Neal. He immediately knew something was on Neal’s mind when the kiss wasn’t as responsive as he’d been expecting it to be. “What is it?”

Neal glanced over his shoulder before whispering, “Nick told me…things.” Peter’s brows furrowed in concern. “About Rebecca. Peter, she might be targeting Nicky because she can’t have me. She’s been making him feel uncomfortable.”

“Do you want me to handle this?”

“I want you aware of what’s going on. I promised Nick I’d ask her what the hell.” Peter nodded, searching Neal’s eyes to find his anxiety and concern. “If she says things I don’t like, she’s not allowed to be alone with our kids.”

Peter looked disgusted as he responded, “If she’s harboring inappropriate feelings or thoughts about our son, she won’t be allowed _in the house._ ” This truly bothered Peter because of his husband. Neal’s stepfather was a great deal older than Neal and he raped Neal repeatedly. He’d be damned if Rebecca forced sex on Nicky. He rubbed Neal’s arms, whispering, “I wasn’t able to protect you, but I’m going to protect him. She’s a woman, but she’s still capable of forcing him. I’m not going to let it happen, Neal. I swear to you he will _never_ go through that.”

Neal nodded, giving his husband a sad smile. “I know, Peter. I know you’ll do anything for us,” he whispered. “That’s why I love you and trust you.” Peter was reluctantly to let his husband leave the kitchen. He wanted to confront Rebecca himself, but he knew as well as Nicky that Neal could handle this situation in a calmer manner than Peter was capable of doing. If he felt that his family was threatened, he wasn’t a very kind man. He would threaten and more than likely end the lives of anyone who even hinted or alluded to the idea of hurting his children or lover.

“Hi, Neal,” she said cheerily as she handed Joey a toy.

“Can I talk to you alone?” he asked. It wasn’t so much a question as it was a demand. He wanted answers right now. The thought of her harming his son made his skin crawl. What Craig and Vincent put Nicky through was traumatic enough. He didn’t want Nicky to experience rape or sexual abuse himself.

She nodded, her brows furrowing. Rebecca rose from the floor and Neal led her away from the twins. If she had feelings for Nicky, there was no telling how she felt about the twins and he didn’t want them around her. They, more so than Nicky, were vulnerable and defenseless. “What’s up, Neal?”

He considered asking simple questions, but he wanted to get directly to the point. “What’s going on with you and Nick?” She looked confused and he elaborated. “He tells me you’re making him feel uncomfortable. You’re looking at him in ways he doesn’t want you to.” She looked stunned as his voice deepened. Nicky is his biological son. He loves him and the twins equally, but Nicky is _his_ little boy. He would never allow anything to happen to any of them. “What the hell is going on?”

“Neal, I’m not trying to make him uncomfortable. I think he’s a very beautiful young man—just like you.” Instantly, Neal bristled. Craig and Vincent said similar things, comparing his and his son’s appearances. “He’s so cute. Am I not allowed to adore him?”

“Adoring and fawning over him are different.” She didn’t know how to respond to that and all Neal could imagine was her walking into Nicky’s room one night, touching him in ways that Nicky didn’t want to be touched. It hit him to the core and enraged him. He’d told his mother about what Vincent had been doing to him and she’d laughed in his face, calling him a liar, while she’d known all along that Vincent was a rapist. Nicky came to him with concerns that Rebecca may be inappropriately attracted to him and he refused to be like his mother. He wouldn’t allow someone to touch his son that way unless it was with someone Nicky trusted and consented with—later in life. “If you have feelings for my son, I don’t want you here anymore.”

She stared at him, wide-eyed. “Neal, I’m not doing anything wrong!”

“My son has never lied about something severe in his life. For him to come to me with something this serious, he sure as hell wouldn’t lie to me. I—”

“Neal knows how it feels to have someone force him and guilt him into submission,” Peter growled upon coming into the room, startling Neal. “If I’d been there, I would have beaten the shit out of Vincent for taking his innocence away. You know as well as I do that Neal was abused by that bastard.” Rebecca was even more afraid of Peter than she was of Neal. Peter didn’t entirely trust her from the beginning and he didn’t know why. He told himself that it was because of how she’d treated Neal several years ago, but something about her just felt…wrong. “If you even _try_ to touch my son, I will end your miserable life.”

Neal stared up at Peter, loving him so much for specifically saying ‘ _my son._ ’ He knew Nicky meant a lot to Peter, but hearing him say it aloud was special. “Peter, I swear to you—”

Peter shook his head, snapping, “If you touch him or say something to him, I won’t hesitate to end you. You may be Neal’s friend, but neither of us will allow you to take our son’s innocence from him.” Tears slid down Rebecca’s face and Peter didn’t care. He’s yelled at Neal in the past and he’s cared about Neal’s feelings, especially when Neal’s cried because of him, but he didn’t give a damn if Rebecca cried. Neal would never hurt a child this way and neither of them knew what Rebecca’s rape had done to her psychologically. Having Nicky around might be the catalyst for her and they wouldn’t allow it to get that far if it became an obvious problem. She could cry all she wanted and Peter would still kill her for acting inappropriately with his son.

“I wasn’t doing anything to him.” She looked at Neal pleadingly. “Please, you have to believe me.”

Neal was silent and she stared at him sadly. “Our son—our _children_ are the world to us,” Peter hissed. “If you target any of them, I swear to you I will destroy you. You’ll regret those very few moments you’ll have with any of them. Nick may be an older teenager now, but he’s still our baby.”

Rebecca never entirely liked Peter and Peter knew that. They’d been cordial with each other for Neal’s sake, but Peter didn’t like her attraction to his husband and she didn’t like the fact that Neal is his husband. “None of them are even your children,” she snapped at him. “Nicky is Neal’s son.”

Before Peter could go off on her, Neal did that himself. “Peter is my husband and he adopted my son! You _know_ Peter is legally his other father. He may not be his biological father, but he’s still Nicky’s father.” She looked like she wanted to challenge that, but it was a fact. They had documents that stated Peter is legally a second-parent as well as documents that legalized Nicky’s surname change to Peter’s. “He’s biologically mine, but Peter is still his father.”

“You have no right in telling my poppa that he’s not my dad,” Nicky said from the stairway. Peter and Neal both glanced up at him, not having realized he was standing there the whole time. “They’re both my fathers,” he said as he came down the stairs, immediately moving to stand between both men, taking their hands. “Neal’s my daddy and Peter’s my poppa. Poppa isn’t my stepfather. He’s my poppa and always has been.”

Peter was sincerely touched by that. “He’s my son,” Peter said. Glancing over his shoulder to where the babies were playing quietly, he said, “And they’re my children. All three of them are mine and Neal’s. We have all of the documentation required to prove that they’re ours, so don’t tell me that none of them are _my_ children.”

Rebecca and Peter glared at each other levelly and Peter was winning. He had four reasons to hate her—and they were Neal and their children. She’d abused her friendship with Neal and now she was targeting Nicky, so it may only be a matter of time before she targets the twins. “Your son is handsome, Neal, but that doesn’t mean I have inappropriate feelings for him.”

“He looks exactly like me,” Neal said through his teeth. The resemblance between Neal and Nicky was very obvious. Like Neal had said in the past, he didn’t see much of Kate in their son. Nicky took on almost all of his features. As Nicky grew up, there was no doubt in Neal’s mind that Nicky is his biological son. “I know you have feelings for me, Rebecca. You’ve had feelings for me since you met me and you assumed that I wasn’t gay because I had a son with a woman. The fact of the matter is that I am gay and I do have a son who was born from a woman I was close to for a very, very brief time.” He glanced down at his son, whispering, “I hadn’t intended on ever becoming a father because I’m gay, but I love my little boy.”

“I love him, too. He’s adorable.” Neal’s eyes flickered to Rebecca’s face immediately and he saw how she was looking at his son. It made him feel uncomfortable and she wasn’t even looking at him.

Peter let go of Nicky’s hand and his arm flew out, pushing both his husband and son behind him. “Out—now!” The twins startled and began to cry. Nicky immediately darted into the other room to console them while Neal tried to keep Peter under control. He knew his husband loved him and their babies a great deal and he’d seen how much Peter craved Craig’s death. There was no doubt that Peter would try to kill her as well.

Rebecca startled and darted back to the front door, pulling it open to dart out quickly. Neal, under different circumstances, would’ve allowed Peter to lash out at her. Instead, he wrapped his arms around the older man and tried his hardest to keep Peter restrained. Their children were right there and he didn’t want them to see their poppa kill someone. Peter continued to fight Neal’s hold on him, but Neal knew Peter was slightly aware because he wasn’t hurting him. “Peter! Peter, she’s gone!” Peter was finally beginning to calm down after realizing Neal was right. He gripped his husband’s hands, rubbing Neal’s skin. “It’s okay,” Neal said quietly. “She’s gone.”

The older man straightened up and kept Neal’s arms around him as he stared at the doorway that was left open. He could hear Neal breathing heavily behind him. Neal had thrown all his strength into holding Peter back. Nicky had never seen Peter so violent before and Neal didn’t want it to go beyond what it’d already become. Nicky respects Peter and Neal didn’t want their son to fear him. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, squeezing Neal’s fingers.

Neal was always a little afraid of Peter when Peter lost control like that. Peter’s stronger than him and able to hurt him very easily, but Peter had known to some extent that Neal was right there with him the whole time, so he hadn’t thrown him off. “It’s okay.”

Peter let go of Neal and they separated. He turned to see concern in his husband’s eyes. When he looked into the other room, he wasn’t sure what he saw in Nicky’s eyes, but he didn’t like it. “Nicky…”

The younger man turned to see his son as well and knew immediately that Nicky was terrified, but he was trying to hide it. He, like Neal, wasn’t very good at hiding his fear. Peter tentatively moved towards Nicky and both men could see that Nicky was trembling, so he stopped. “Baby, poppa isn’t going to hurt you.” Nicky couldn’t look away from Peter. “Nick,” Neal said a little louder, trying to snap his son out of the trance he seemed to be in. “Nicolas.” Nicky blinked and looked at his dad. “Poppa won’t hurt you. He’ll never hurt you. He wants to protect you.”

Nicky nodded, lifting his left hand to wipe his eyes. “I’m sorry, buddy. I didn’t mean to scare you.” Neal went to shut the front door and watched Peter near their children. He knelt in front of Nicky and stroked his hair gently, giving him a sad smile. “I don’t want her to touch you, Nick.”

Neal smiled weakly when Nicky shifted and hugged Peter tightly. “I love you, poppa,” he whispered against the older man.

“I love you, too, my little love,” Peter said softly, kissing Nicky’s hair. He fanned his fingers out over Nicky’s back, smiling as he held his son. “I love you very much.”

•◊•

Neal watched his husband sit at the end of their bed after he’d crawled in. He was eager to make love with the older man, but Peter moved away from him before anything even began. Neither of them said anything in the hopes that the other would speak first. Crawling towards the end of the bed, Neal got onto his knees behind his husband, draping his arms over Peter’s shoulder, clasping his hands together in front of Peter’s chest. Peter’s left hand rested on his hands and he leaned his head back, nuzzling Neal’s chest. “What is it, Peter?” he whispered.

“What do you honestly think of me as a father?” he asked, sounding miserable.

“I think you’re fantastic.” Peter scoffed, shaking his head. “You asked for my honesty. Peter, you’re great. You’ve brought foundation and order into our home because you know I’m such a pushover when it comes to grounding them or taking things away from them.” He rubbed Peter’s chest for a moment. “You and I complement each other.”

Peter’s shoulders tensed as he asked, “So what you’re saying is that I’m the dictator and you’re the sweetheart?”

Neal’s brows furrowed and he straightened up a bit. “I didn’t say that at all.” Peter got up from the bed and Neal reluctantly let him get up, frowning at him. “You aren’t a dictator. Peter, you’re just as much a sweetheart as you seem to think I am.”

“All I’m good for is grounding them, taking things away from them, and scaring the living hell out of them.”

The younger man jumped off of their bed, darting over to his husband, shifting to stand in front of him. He rested his hands on Peter’s chest and stared up at his face. “No, Peter,” he whispered, shaking his head. “Babe, you’re a great father. Nicky looks up to you and he respects you a great deal. He—”

Peter grabbed Neal’s wrists roughly, immediately silencing the younger man. “Stop trying to make me feel better. I want your God damn honesty, Neal.” Neal tried to protest, insisting that he wasn’t leading Peter on when he was giving his honest opinion. “You try to tell me I’m a good father,” Peter interjected, “but you saw how afraid he was earlier when I drove Rebecca out of our home.”

“He knows you were only acting that way to protect him,” Neal said, pleading with his husband. “You didn’t hurt him, Peter. He isn’t afraid of you now and you know he loves you.”

Neal’s breath hitched when Peter shoved him backwards. He barely managed to keep himself from falling, but he’d gripped Peter’s shirt to keep himself upright. He stared at his husband’s face with wide eyes and Peter stared at him, his expression mirroring Neal’s as he’d wrapped his arms around Neal’s waist. “Neal,” he whispered apologetically.

Peter was pissed at himself for scaring Nicky earlier and he almost threw his husband to the floor. If Neal hadn’t latched onto Peter’s shirt and if Peter hadn’t instinctively reacted by throwing his arms around his husband, Neal would’ve hit the floor. “It’s okay,” Neal said shakily. He shifted his hands, rubbing Peter’s biceps. “It’s okay,” he repeated.

“What the hell is wrong with me?” Peter asked miserably, crushing his body against Neal’s. His arms were wound around the younger man tightly and he buried his face against Neal’s neck.

“You’re stressed and anxious,” Neal said as he gently carded his fingers through Peter’s hair. “It’s all okay, Peter. I promise. Both Nick and I love you to pieces no matter what.”

Peter felt an onslaught of tears coming and he didn’t understand why he was so emotional. He found himself speaking without thinking though. “I’m so afraid that someone is going to do to Nicky what was done to you,” he said hurriedly. “You never deserved to be touched or forced to touch someone you didn’t want that kind of contact with. You knew nothing about sex when you were thirteen.” His tears soaked through Neal’s shirt and Neal understood that this had been pent up in Peter since he’d told Peter that Nicky had spoken to him about Rebecca. “He’s fifteen, but he’s still so God damn young.”

Neal hushed his husband, nodding. “Peter, he has parents who care about him. He has parents who will help him.” He kissed Peter’s hair, whispering, “He knows you’ll be right there to protect him, Peter. Whether or not Rebecca wanted to touch him that way, Nick knows you’ll always be there for him.”

“I couldn’t be there for you,” he said thickly. “I was never there for you when they were touching you.” He sounded bitter as he squeezed his husband. “I wish I could’ve protected you. You suffered and—and I’m afraid of Nicky having to suffer that way.”

“Hon,” Neal whispered. “My love, he’s going to be just fine. He has an excellent and overly protective poppa who loves him to death. I didn’t have a parent to protect me when I was a teenager, but Nicky does. He has a strong man like you in his life and he trusts that you’ll always keep him safe.”

Peter breathed shakily, wishing he could’ve saved his husband at least two out of the three separate times in which Neal suffered. There was nothing he could’ve done when Neal was a teenager because he hadn’t known Neal at the time nor did he live anywhere close to Neal. The first time Craig kidnapped Neal, he felt that he should have tried harder to find Neal, to save him before he was on the very brink of death after enduring rape and various other forms of torture that Neal wouldn’t speak about very openly. When both Vincent and Craig had Neal, he wished he’d followed Neal rather than allowing him to leave the bureau to go to Stonewall on his own to save their son. If he’d been there, he could’ve protected his husband and son. Neal had been raped brutally and it was entirely different from the first two instances in which he’d suffered.

Neal admitted to Peter before all of this happened that he knew how it felt to have two men inside of him. That situation had been questionably consensual at the time and it involved Neal’s then-boyfriend, but what Vincent and Craig had done to him wasn’t consensual at all. Peter knew he hurt Neal when they made love sometimes, so he couldn’t imagine how painful it’d been for Neal to have two men inside of him—two _monsters._ “I don’t want to lose any of you,” Peter whispered. “I lost you too many times already.”

Hushing the older man, Neal brought them both to the bed. He was able to get Peter to sit down on the mattress and held him close, letting his husband’s walls crumble for the time being. It was a very rare occasion for Peter to breakdown like this and Neal knew Peter needed it sometimes. Peter kept too many emotions and thoughts pent up inside of him. He was bound to burst sooner or later and Neal only hoped that it would happen when they were alone so no one else would have to watch Peter at his lowest, most vulnerable point. He and Peter both felt the same way about breaking down. They wanted it to be with each other rather than with someone else. “Like you’ve been telling me repeatedly, Craig and Vincent are dead. No one can be worse than them. They’re beyond monstrous for what they did to our baby. I—”

Peter snarled as he whispered, “Do _not_ pretend that they didn’t torture you.”

Neal swallowed hard, whispering, “I can’t pretend even if I wanted to.” He tentatively tugged on Peter’s right arm until he was able to take Peter’s hand and rest it on his right thigh where Craig had scarred him. Peter lifted his head and stared at Neal’s thigh. Though it was covered by his clothing at the moment, Peter would never forget how that scar looked etched into Neal’s skin. “I can’t pretend it didn’t happen. It’s on my body, Peter. I survived, but…”

“You don’t know how badly I wish I could change this,” Peter said sadly. “It’s bad enough that you have to live with emotional scars and other scars scattered across your body. Seeing that every day… I can’t imagine, Neal.”

Neal smiled weakly at his husband. “I wouldn’t be able to make it through the day if I didn’t have you. Don’t get me wrong—I love my children, but I’ve…needed someone to love me the way you love me. If I didn’t have you and your immense amount of love, I wouldn’t have been able to survive this.”

Peter tentatively stroked Neal’s pants, knowing he was just above the scar. “I’m sorry for everything you’ve been through, Neal. If I could’ve done something more…”

“You did all that you could. You know I don’t blame you for any of this. I have these scars as a reminder that I protected the man who made me his husband as well as our son. I’ll never regret keeping you two alive. I’ll never regret being raped to spare you two of that experience.”

“I wish I’d been raped instead of you.” Neal’s lips parted as he stared at Peter’s solemn face. “I want to know how it feels, how they made you feel when you protected us. I want to know what it felt like when they hurt you for trading yourself for me.”

Neal shook his head as he blinked back tears. “You don’t want that,” he insisted. “You don’t need to know how it feels to have—”

“I’ve never had a man inside of me,” Peter whispered. “I want to know how it feels. I want to feel what they made you endure.” Neal couldn’t stop tears from sliding down his cheeks then. He didn’t want Peter to know how it felt. That was the whole point in giving his body up for Peter’s. “Neal, I know you hate the idea of dominating me, but…”

Neal hadn’t penetrated anyone in years. Dan had been the last man he was inside of, but he didn’t feel comfortable trading positions with Peter. He liked that Peter was stronger than him, that Peter made such powerful and passionate love to him. Anything he did to Peter would more than likely make Peter laugh. “I don’t know,” Neal whispered. “Not right now. Not when you’re this emotionally vulnerable. I, more than anyone, know how it feels to want my lover inside of me when I’m feeling terrible about myself. You never made love to me when I begged you to and I’m not going to make love to you when you’re feeling this bad. In time, maybe I could do it.” He bit his lip when Peter met his gaze. “I don’t know, Peter. I never liked being inside of anyone. I like having you inside of me.”

Peter took Neal’s hands in his, intertwining their fingers. “When I’m under control sometime in the future, could you let me feel it? Even if it’s only once, I want to know how it feels to have a man inside of me. I’ve never had anything inside of me.”

“We’ll see, Peter,” he said quietly. “It depends on a lot of things, but just… Be patient, my love.” Peter nodded, leaning forward to nuzzle his face against Neal’s lovingly. He felt miserable for so many reasons and he was glad he had Neal with him. Neal knew how he felt and just having his husband stay with him through this meant a lot to him. He could only imagine how he made Neal feel by sticking around for him.

•◊•

Peter and Nicky sat on the couches, each with a twin beside them. Nicky giggled when Neal came out of the kitchen with two small plates. There was a single cupcake on each with a single candle at their centers. They were celebrating the twins’ first birthday and Neal was ecstatic. He’d done the little cupcake thing for Nicky when Nicky turned one and Peter was more than happy to let Neal do it again for the twins. It made Neal happy, which made him happy as a result.

Neal held a plate towards Peter, who eagerly took it and glanced down at Joey with a soft smile on his face. “Do we light the candle?” Peter asked, amused as he watched his husband practically bounce around. Neal had gotten up early to make the perfect pair of cupcakes and he’d managed to get himself on a sugar high.

“Oh, yeah, but you might have to blow it out for him.”

Peter chuckled when Neal pulled a small lighter out of his pocket. He held the cupcake out towards his husband and watched him light it before lighting the one he was holding. He sat down beside Brie and smiled at her when she giggled. She was mesmerized by the candle.

The three of them sang the birthday song to the babies before attempting to get them to blow the candles out. Joey, surprisingly, did it. Neal let Nicky blow out the candle on Brie’s cupcake. Both Neal and Peter fed the cupcake to each twin while Nicky darted out into the kitchen to get the rest of the cupcakes he knew Neal baked.

“You look beautiful when you’re this happy,” Peter said softly. They’d made it through a really rough night a few nights ago and Peter was thankful for his husband’s support. Neal blushed when he smiled at his husband. “I love you, my angel.”

“As I love you, my big teddy.” Peter actually found himself liking the ‘big teddy’ nickname, finding it cuter than ‘Superman.’ He liked the sentiment behind Superman, but knowing he’s Neal’s teddy bear felt special. Deep down, Neal was still a child at heart. Peter loved that about him. He was able to be a father and a brilliant FBI agent, but he was very playful when it was brought out. That was why he liked to play with Neal in bed—in a non-sexual way. Making love with Neal was always beautiful, but he liked rolling around on the bed with Neal, tickling him, giving him hickeys while peppering occasional kisses over his skin… He loved making his husband laugh brilliantly.

Neal is only a couple years away from turning forty, but he may as well be a teenager at times. “Honey, I…” He couldn’t even find the words to tell Neal how grateful he is to have him and their babies. He’s said it repeatedly since they’d gotten together, but he wanted to keep saying it and trying to find unique ways of saying the same thing was difficult. “I don’t know what I’d do if I never met you,” he settled on. Neal smiled a little, seeming to finally be coming down from his sugar high. “I wouldn’t have such a beautiful husband who makes me feel loved and wonderful everyday nor would I have three babies with him. I’m grateful to your God for creating you, Neal.”

“If my suffering was meant to bring me to you, then it was all worth it in the end,” Neal whispered as he shifted to sit on the other couch beside his husband. “If I hadn’t suffered, I wouldn’t have run to New York and I don’t know if we’d have ever met.”

Peter wouldn’t thank Vincent for raping Neal because it brought him to New York. No, that just seemed so wrong. Instead, he kissed his husband and whispered, “I’m just thankful that our paths crossed. Meeting you is the best thing I’ve ever done in my life. Marrying you and raising our children together are my greatest accomplishments. Falling in love with you so unconditionally has been the source of my happiness for several years now.”

Neal leaned towards his husband, nuzzling the side of his face. “I’ve never once regretted falling in love with you,” he whispered, closing his eyes. “I wouldn’t be alive if you weren’t in my life. I have you to thank for so many things, Peter. You’ve saved my life, brought me happiness, and more importantly have given me a form of love I never thought I’d be lucky enough to acquire.” He sighed contentedly, adding, “You gave me hope for my future. I feel like a good father because you’ve shown me that I am. You’ve given me a reason to trust you more than I’ve ever trusted anyone else. Before you, I never felt so comfortable. Before you, I could never open my heart or my mind to someone without first thinking of the consequences of anything I’d say. You’ve never once judged me cruelly or threatened to leave me because of my past.” He opened his eyes then and looked up at Peter. “You’ve been here for me since the night I told you. As soon as those gates opened, our relationship became easier to handle. I didn’t feel so overwhelmed because you were actually trying to understand my situation.”

“I loved you the moment I laid eyes on you,” Peter said sincerely. “I felt something when I looked at you and I know it was because you’re my soulmate. If I’d left you the night you opened up to me, I’d be such a bastard. I can’t imagine myself ever truly walking away from what you and I have built together.”

As Nicky came back into the living room with all of the cupcakes, Neal said, “Nor could I, my love.” He couldn’t imagine leaving Peter’s side. They’d been through so much together and knew each other very intimately in ways that no one would ever truly be able to understand. If he gave everything up, he believed he may as well go back to considering the ways he could end his existence. Peter changed his life. Nicky did as well, but Peter impacted him on a deeper level that Neal needed someone to be on with him.

Nicky brought him joy and happiness that he almost forgot existed. He lived through his little boy by spoiling the hell out of him and encouraging him in ways that he’d never been encouraged. He protected his son, vowing that he would never allow a man to come into his home to do to Nicky what had been done to him by Vincent. As Nicky grew older, Neal was able to imagine himself living the way his son lived. He hadn’t experienced things Nicky did, so it felt nice to see how his little boy was growing up just so he could imagine himself going through that as well. Sleepovers, intimate friendships, having parents who cared… He hadn’t had any of that while he’d been growing up.

Instead, he’d dropped out of high school and run away from the only place he’d been able to call his home. He found an intimate friendship with Mozzie and experienced, for the first time, how it felt to have an older man truly care for him. Vincent was meant to be his father, but he’d been treated like Vincent’s whore. Mozzie raised him in June’s house, creating a little conman in the teenager as well as teaching him the ways he could appreciate life.

Meeting Peter had proven to him that true love does exist. The love he shared with Mozzie and with his son was completely different from the love that he shared with Peter. Peter was the one who made love to him, who made him feel safe and secure, and who made him feel like he deserved to live. Sometimes, Neal was still a little down about himself, feeling unworthy of Peter’s affections, but Peter always pulled him through his darker moments. He trusted Peter with things he couldn’t trust anyone else with. His son had been too young and he was too afraid of losing Mozzie.

Peter wasn’t going to leave him no matter what happened. He was there for him the night he fell to pieces as he admitted that he is a victim of rape, when he’d nearly lost his son to Vincent not too long after admitting his darkest secret to Peter. Peter was there to care for him after everything Craig had done to him. Peter was there to hold him as he screamed, cried, and experienced night-terrors that were severe—much more severe than anything he’d ever dreamt before. The man he’d fallen for had protected him both psychologically and emotionally many times.

If not for Peter, he wasn’t sure he’d be as stable as he is right now. He wasn’t normal and he could accept that, but Peter has brought him to the point he’s at right now. He has, officially, declared that he has no desire to end his life—even after the whole faking-his-death ordeal. He’d spent more than twenty years wishing he were dead and now he was able to admit that he wanted to live. He was able to admit that his reason for wanting to live is ultimately his family and he knew they would always be right there at his side no matter what. His family was the only thing he could truly rely on.


	48. Chapter 48

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal doesn't like the fact that his birthday is coming up and Peter wants to celebrate it with him.

Peter watched his husband paint, smiling as Neal made little sounds of frustration every now and then. “You picked a very lively set of models, my love,” Peter teased him. Neal glanced over at him, glaring noncommittally. He was trying to paint the twins, but they kept fidgeting around. “Honey, you would’ve been better off painting Nicky or the twins when we put them down for a nap later.”

“I wasn’t looking for a commentary from the peanut gallery,” Neal muttered.

The older man chuckled. “Why don’t you take a break, angel? We could put the babies down for a nap and spend some time together.” Neal raised an eyebrow and Peter smiled softly at him. “You know how much I need you sometimes… You’re just so…”

Neal rolled his eyes, muttering, “Uh huh.”

Neal’s birthday was coming up very quickly and Peter was wracking his brain, trying to think of something special he could do for his husband. Nicky wanted to do something, too, but neither of them knew what to do. Neal has absolutely avoided any conversation about his birthday and it kind of pissed Peter off. He didn’t want to simply make love to his husband on his birthday. Even if they were a little wilder than usual, he didn’t want to resort to only pleasing his husband physically.

“So, honey…” Neal made a sound of acknowledgement. “Birthday.” Neal sighed and Peter continued to speak, knowing he had a very brief period of time before Neal chose not to pay attention to this anymore. “I know, I know. I want you to give me some ideas. Please, honey. Even if I take you out to dinner, I just want to do something for you, my love. You’re being very persistent and adamant in ignoring me every time I bring it up.”

“One would think you’d gotten the hint by now.”

“Your sarcasm is noted,” Peter said. “I know you aren’t looking forward to it and I think I know why, but… Neal, please let me celebrate your birth. If you hadn’t been born, I wouldn’t be this happy or have the family you’ve made with me.”

Neal shook his head, sighing. “Peter, if you think you know why I don’t want to celebrate, why are you pushing it?”

Peter got up from the couch and walked over to his husband, resting his hand on Neal’s lower back. “Because I want to celebrate your life,” he said softly. “I’m so thankful to have you in my life.”

“Okay. We’ll go around and share what we’re thankful for on Thanksgiving. I don’t want to celebrate my birthday, Peter.”

The older man didn’t know what to do. Neal seemed pissed off now and that hadn’t been his intention. He wanted to change Neal’s mind and get him to agree to do something at least moderately celebratory. “Neal, my love, please let me—”

“I said I don’t want to celebrate, Peter!” he snapped, sounding extremely defensive. Peter could see the pain in Neal’s eyes, knowing that Neal spent at least three birthdays in the hands of a rapist. Neal had gotten past his teenage years, but this was still fresh in Neal’s memory. Hell, two days after the twins’ birthday, Neal had a panic attack. Nicky, fortunately, hadn’t had one of his own, but he’d cried a lot. Peter had to take care of his son first. He’d scrambled around, trying to help both Neal and Nicky get through their issues.

Neal holed himself up in their deep closet, trying to hide from everyone while he trembled and sobbed. He wasn’t making a mad dash for the bathroom nor was he threatening to cut or kill himself. Nicky tried to keep himself calm, but he needed Peter to tell him repeatedly that he was safe and that he wasn’t at fault.

By the time that night had come to an end, Nicky was okay and able to believe that he wasn’t the reason he’d been forced to witness his father’s torture. Neal was still in pretty bad shape by that point, but Peter held him close until he’d managed to get through it. He always made sure he assured Neal that none of what happened was his fault. He told Neal that Neal was innocent in all of this and Neal admitted that he was terrified when he’d gone into the closet to hide. He told Peter that he’d gone into the closet because it was dark and most of his memories of the farmhouse were darkened. Peter, under different circumstances, would have made a joke about Neal’s sexuality because of the closet, but he knew better than that.

“Okay,” Peter said quietly. He couldn’t force Neal to enjoy his birthday nor would he attempt to. All he wanted to do was make his husband happy and show him that he appreciates him. If Neal wasn’t willing to comply, it was a moot point. “I won’t do anything because I know it’ll piss you off, but I’m letting you know right now that Nicky is going to do something for you, so you better appreciate his effort.”

“Tell him to forget about it,” Neal whispered.

Peter stared at the younger man incredulously. “You’re his daddy, damn it. You honestly expect him to not be excited about your birthday? You’re half the reason he’s alive right now. If he doesn’t celebrate your birthday, you know he’ll be severely depressed.”

Neal’s entire form seemed to tense in that moment and Peter wasn’t sure if he’d said something wrong. “Don’t fucking guilt me into celebrating,” Neal hissed. Anger, resentment, and pain resonated off of him and Peter felt so guilty. “I was raped, Peter—by _two men._ It’s only been a year, but the terror is still fresh in my mind.” Peter wished he could’ve done something to help Neal, but Neal didn’t want help. He kept telling himself that he didn’t need Peter’s help, that he was better off on his own. “You don’t understand what I went through and what I’m still going through. I’m dying inside right now, Peter. I feel cold and empty and I can hear my son sobbing in a corner as I howled in agony. I was dying, Peter, because I made sure my son was fed properly. You don’t know hardship or sacrifice until you’re in a live or die situation with your baby with very limited means of providing for and protecting him.”

Peter nodded slowly. He would never be able to truly understand what Neal and Nicky went through. He loves them both, but he didn’t know what was going on in their minds sometimes. Neal has been tormented far too many times in his life. It would’ve been a total surprise if he’d come out of all of this perfectly fine. The fact that he was showing signs of trauma now told Peter that Neal, deep down, was begging for help. He was angry with Vincent and Craig and resented what they did to him—resented all of the pain they inflicted upon him.

In the midst of all of his suffering, Neal didn’t know how to get out of it. He, fortunately, wasn’t suicidal for the time being, but there was no telling as to whether or not that would change. Neal wanted Peter to help him, but he hid it behind his anger, which just happened to be directed at Peter. Peter didn’t care as long as it helped Neal get through this. He could take anything Neal said or did to him and still love the man more than his own life. Neal couldn’t help feeling the way he did and Peter never blamed him. He didn’t know how it felt to have one man—let alone _two_ —inside of him. He’d never been penetrated brutally and he knew his husband had gone through a great deal. He’d been there in the aftermath, doing all that he could to help Neal recover.

The physical recovery wasn’t the problem. He was able to help Neal clean up when he could barely move on his own and he was grateful that Neal allowed him to help him. “I know, honey,” he whispered. He could never imagine how hard those two weeks had been for Neal. He was naked in the cold, forced to endure painful sex and starvation, and he was bleeding profusely all over his body. How Neal managed to come out of all of that, he’d never know. Neal is a strong man and he’d done the best he could to keep himself and their son alive.

Neal turned away after setting his paintbrush down. He lifted his left hand and rubbed his forehead, which was definitely the prelude to a breakdown. Peter’s heart broke as he watched Neal fight the urge to cry. He neared his husband, willing to be there for him no matter what. Neal hoarsely pleaded, “Stay away from me.”

Peter didn’t move any further than he already had. “Baby, I’m not leaving you alone. You’re _not_ alone anymore.” Neal’s breathing became labored until he finally gave in and allowed himself to sob. He spun around and Peter held his arms open just as Neal moved towards him. He wrapped his arms around the younger man, kissing his hair. “You’ll never be alone again, Neal. I’m with you—forever.”

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, gripping Peter’s shirt tightly. “I’m sorry for yelling at you, for being a dick when I’m with you. I’m sorry that I’m not being the man you love right now.”

“You’re always the man I love,” Peter whispered. “No matter the situation, I’m at your side. I promised you that when I married you. I love you no matter what. You could hurt me in more ways than one and I’d still love you to death.” Neal trembled against him and he rubbed Neal’s back gently. “I’ve loved you through everything, honey. I’m not about to leave you now. I’m fairly certain I’d die if I left you for good.”

Neal laughed sadly and Peter smiled a little. “I don’t know how you love me sometimes,” Neal said quietly. “I look in the mirror and sometimes I see someone who’s shattered into a million pieces, while I see someone who’s a survivor at other times. I don’t know which man I am to you, but—”

Peter murmured, “You’re a brilliant, strong man, Neal George. Your past doesn’t change who you are nor does it make you who you are.” Neal nodded slowly, bunching up the back of Peter’s shirt in his fingers. “You’ve made yourself the man you are—the father and husband you are. When I met you, I never realized how much pain you carried with you, but you’ve shared it with me. Since we’ve been together, you’ve been through so much more than you will ever deserve. The way you’ve suffered…” He trailed off, closing his eyes as he imagined Neal screaming, crying, and begging to be let go. “Neal, I’ll never discourage you when you share the burden with me. I’m willing to share it with you. As your husband, I’m meant to support you and I’ll do it any way I can. If I have to shoulder some of your pain to keep you alive and well, I’ll do it every moment of every day.”

The younger man sighed heavily, whispering, “I don’t see what you see in me at times. I think I’m insane or fucked up, but you think I’m intelligent and…and beautiful.”

“I don’t _think_ it. I _know_ it.” Peter was a little surprised when Neal backed up a little. He looked up at Peter and Peter could see the hope and love in Neal’s eyes. “You’re so many things, Neal, but fucked up and insane are not part of who you are. _They_ are fucked up and insane. You’re completely innocent and you’re a sweetheart.”

“Do you think I did something to attract them to me?”

“No,” Peter said sincerely. “I know what kind of man you are. You’re faithful and sincere. You wouldn’t try to draw someone else to you.” He lifted his right hand and cupped Neal’s cheek, smiling at him softly. “They targeted you, Neal, because you’re so innocent and vulnerable. They knew your weaknesses and exploited them to get what they wanted. I’ll always be sorry for being one of your weaknesses, but you know I’ll always be grateful to you.” Neal nodded and lowered his gaze to Peter’s chest as tears welled up in his eyes. “You’re a very loving man. They preyed on you because of your heart. Your mother was a bargaining chip when you were a teenager because you didn’t see the woman she really was. As far as you were concerned, she was your mother and she loved you.”

Neal gently gripped Peter’s sides, sliding his hands up and down his husband’s body. “You and Nicky were worth it. My mother betrayed me. She knew that Vincent was raping me while it was going on. She lied to me and allowed me to suffer.” Peter nodded, watching his husband’s eyes as tears slid down Neal’s cheeks. “I know you would’ve done something for me if you knew where I was the whole time. I’ve imagined you breaking down the doors to come to my rescue.” He laughed mirthlessly, blinking back more tears. “You did come to my rescue both times. I’m glad you were the one to carry me away from those hellholes. Even when I was delirious and rambling, I was thankful to you. I kept going because I knew you’d find me sooner or later.”

Peter kissed Neal sweetly, slowly moving his lips in synchronization with Neal’s. He kissed his husband slowly and passionately, conveying how deeply he loves and treasures Neal. “I’ll always find you,” he whispered.

•◊•

“What do you think?”

Peter glanced at his husband’s sketchbook when Neal turned it around for him to see. Their door was locked and they were in bed, completely undressed. Neal asked if he could sketch Peter after they’d made love together and Peter always encouraged that because it was something Neal liked. “Wow,” he said in response. He always found himself looking more attractive than he thought he was when he looked at one of Neal’s sketches. “You’re so talented, Neal,” he continued.

Neal blushed a little as he smiled. “I’m very passionate about you.” Peter met Neal’s eyes and they shared a soft smile. “You’re breathtaking at all times, but I especially love how you just seem to…glow after we make love.”

Gently, Peter took Neal’s sketchbook from him and set it on the nightstand behind him. He proceeded to pull his husband on top of him, kissing him sweetly. “Making love to you…” he whispered. “Neal, I can’t think of another man I’d want to make love to more than you.”

“I’d hope not,” he teased. “I’m your obsessive husband. There better not be another man you’re making love to.”

Peter rolled his eyes, murmuring, “You’re the man of my dreams and of my daydreams. I love you with all of my heart and soul.” Neal smiled so beautifully and Peter wished he could just frame his smile. His husband was always so beautiful when he was happy. “There could never be another man in my life. You’re all I’ll ever want—and all I’ll ever need in my life.”

Neal pecked Peter’s lips, whispering, “I’m glad to hear that. I don’t like sharing my husband.”

The older man made a look of challenge as he rolled them over so he was on top of Neal now. He planted his hands on the pillows beside Neal’s head and straddled Neal’s waist. “I don’t like sharing mine either.” He leaned down and kissed Neal’s neck, sucking on his skin occasionally. Neal liked when Peter was like this. He’s a little insecure about himself sometimes, so he likes to leave hickeys on Neal’s neck because he thinks of it as marking Neal as his property. Neal held Peter’s sides, closing his eyes as he felt Peter’s lips move on his skin. He liked how possessive Peter was at times. It made him feel wanted and needed. “My husband is _mine,_ ” he whispered near Neal’s ear. He kissed just below Neal’s ear before going back to sucking on his neck.

Peter was extremely hard by this point and he could feel Neal beneath him. They were still undressed and Peter had more than enough time to recover while Neal sketched him, so they could easily go for a second round. Naturally, something came up the second they wanted to do it. “Daddy? Poppa?”

Both men sighed and Peter planted his face into the pillow while Neal answered, “What’s up, baby?”

“Can you come out?”

He was whispering and Neal didn’t like that. Something was wrong. Neal gave Peter a quick kiss before wiggling his way out of Peter’s arms. He grabbed his lingerie and pulled it on quickly along with his sleep pants. He headed over to the door as Peter was pulling boxers on. He didn’t feel the need to put pants on, so Neal opened the door. “You okay, Nick?”

“I think someone’s in the basement.” Neal immediately looked up at Peter and Peter darted back into the bedroom to pull his gun out of the nightstand. “I went downstairs to get a pop…” Neal gave him a slight glare. “I know you told me I couldn’t have one before bed, but I heard something.”

Peter held his gun between his hands after taking the safety off. He crept down the stairs and both Neal and Nicky followed him. Neal didn’t grab his gun, but he’d fight hand-to-hand if something happened to Peter. He’d disarm whoever it was so they didn’t kill his husband. “Stay here,” Peter whispered, glancing at Neal.

Neal nodded, gently gripping the doorknob. He waited for Peter’s signal before opening the door. As soon as Peter nodded, he opened the door and stepped aside. Peter immediately aimed the gun down the stairway. Someone was definitely down there since the lights were on and they could all hear something heavy being tossed around.

Nicky gripped Neal’s right arm tightly and Neal glanced down at him. Peter tentatively stepped down into the basement, aiming his gun towards the source of the sounds. “Is poppa gonna be okay?” Nicky whispered.

Whatever the heavy item was, it dropped to the floor abruptly and was followed by a high pitched cry. Neal’s eyes widened and he said to Nicky, “Poppa’s going to be fine. It’s _her_ who won’t be okay if poppa shoots her.”

“Neal,” Peter said, sounding like he was speaking through his teeth.

The younger man tentatively slid his arm out of Nicky’s grip and descended the stairs, coming face to face with Rebecca. “What are you doing here?” He glanced to his left and rested his hand on Peter’s wrist. “Put the safety back on. We don’t need to shoot her.”

Peter didn’t listen at first. He sighed and did as his husband asked, holding his gun in his left hand firmly. “I… I still don’t have a place to live. I didn’t want to bother you guys, so I was going to…”

She looked around then and realized her mistake. “This is my son’s game room. You would’ve been found out sooner or later,” Neal said. “Rebecca, didn’t my husband make it very clear that you’re not welcome here?”

“He did.” Neal raised an eyebrow. “Neal, I won’t hurt Nicky. I’m sorry for scaring him, but I wasn’t trying to make any moves on him.” She glanced at Nicky as he came down the stairs quietly. Peter bristled as he watched her gaze at his son. She averted her eyes from the teenager and met Neal’s gaze. “I swear to you that I have no ulterior motive to prey on your son.”

“I don’t like the idea of you living in my son’s game room,” Peter growled. “Matter of fact, I don’t like the idea of you living in my house— _period._ ”

She was trying to convince Neal silently to allow her to stay. Peter could see that she was trying to manipulate Neal before she said, “Neal, you know how it feels to be on the streets. You know how I was…”

Neal looked sympathetic and Peter snarled, “Don’t toy with him. Preying on him because of his past makes me want you out more than I did before.”

Meeting Peter’s eyes, Neal quietly said, “Maybe just for a little while.” Peter glared at his husband and Neal tried not to recoil from him. He turned towards Rebecca and said, “If our son makes any more complaints…”

“He won’t,” Rebecca insisted. “I won’t give him any reason.”

Neal glanced up at Peter again, wanting his input. “Fine,” he muttered, brushing past Neal to get upstairs. Neal shut his eyes and sighed heavily.

Nicky and Neal headed upstairs to their respective bedrooms after leaving Rebecca downstairs. She was allowed a portion of the game room because it _is_ Nicky’s game room and he occasionally has Trent come over to play with him—or he plays alone.

As soon as Neal went into his bedroom, he wasn’t surprised to see Peter already under the blanket, turned away from Neal’s side. Sighing, Neal slid his sleep pants down and tossed them onto a nearby chair. He tentatively crawled into bed and slipped underneath the blanket as well, glancing down at his husband. “I love you,” he whispered, leaning over to kiss Peter’s shoulder. Peter didn’t respond to his statement or his kiss, which immediately made his heart sink.

He laid down and turned away from Peter. This was how he normally slept, but he was considering the idea of turning over to spoon his husband. What stopped him from doing just that was the fact that he could feel how pissed off Peter was. He just closed his eyes and held his pillow. It felt so strange, sleeping in the same bed without Peter’s arm draped over him. He was so used to Peter cuddling with him that it made him really sad to not have Peter cuddle him. He felt pathetic for feeling that way, but he liked his husband’s closeness.

A little while later, he felt warm lips on his neck and felt a warm hand on his stomach. He woke up a little and turned his head, sleepily staring at his husband’s face. He smiled a little when Peter kissed his jaw and then his cheek. “I love you, too, honey,” he said softly. “I’m sorry that I woke you after twenty minutes, but I didn’t want you to go to sleep without hearing me say it.”

“I’m happier now,” he said groggily.

Peter smiled down at him, kissing his cheek again. “I’m glad to hear that, angel,” he whispered. “Go back to sleep now.”

Neal nodded and turned a bit to get comfortable again. Peter’s front was right up against his back and ass and Peter’s left leg slipped between Neal’s legs. He liked going to sleep like this. It felt so much nicer than going to sleep without being touched by Peter. The warmth and love he felt radiating off of Peter made him feel really good. Peter didn’t like sleeping without his arm around Neal either, so he would’ve wound up holding Neal at some point regardless. Waking Neal up had been deliberate because he wanted to tell the younger man he loves him, but he wanted Neal to know that he loves him and wants him.

Even as they laid there quietly, Peter’s lips occasionally touched his skin. Peter’s fingers fanned out over Neal’s abdomen and butterflies fluttered in Neal’s stomach. “I love you a lot,” Neal said unprecedentedly. Peter chuckled behind him, patting Neal’s abdomen before rubbing him gently.

“I love you just as much, baby,” Peter said softly. “Go back to sleep, my love.” He kissed Neal’s neck and Neal nodded sleepily, finally falling asleep again.

•◊•

Neal sat on the floor in front of the couch at Peter’s feet with the babies between his legs. Peter was on the couch with Nicky curled up against him and they were watching a rerun of a Yankees game. Rebecca was reading a book on the other couch, staying as far away from Peter as humanly possible because she and Neal both knew Peter would kill her, which was partly the reason why Peter and Nicky were staying close. Neal was sitting with the babies because he had no interest in watching the game now that Peter and Nicky could do a running commentary on the games. Neal had no idea what they were talking about sometimes, so he just tuned them out.

“Dada,” Brie said as she pushed herself up using Neal’s leg. Peter noticed that Brie used Neal’s _right_ thigh to push herself up. He immediately sat up straighter, watching his husband.

Peter was a little surprised when Neal said, “Brie-Brie,” while grinning at her. He was expecting some reaction to the fact that she’d touched his scarred thigh, but then he assumed Neal didn’t even notice because he was too focused on playing with his daughter.

He didn’t even consider drawing attention to it because he didn’t _want_ Neal to react that way. Instead, he reached out and weaved his fingers through Neal’s hair. Neal turned his head and smiled up at his husband. “Hi, beautiful,” Peter whispered.

“Hey, handsome.”

Nicky, while his parents were sharing a really sweet look, noticed that Rebecca was looking at Neal. He didn’t like the way she was looking at his dad, but he knew his dad was immune to anything and everything Rebecca could ever say to him. His fathers are very much in love and sincere about their sexuality. Neither of them were swingers. Neal had a one night stand with a woman, which gave him his son, and Peter married a woman because he wanted to live up to his sister’s legacy.

The way Rebecca looked at his dad made him want to drag his dad out of the room. He never wanted anyone else to look at his dad that way because he knows his poppa ‘owns’ his dad. They never said that in front of him, but that was how he interpreted their marriage. His view of marriage was that his fathers bound themselves together as soon as they slid their rings onto each other’s fingers.

Joey threw a tantrum when he realized Brie had their daddy’s attention. He started crying and flailing his hands around. “Someone wants daddy’s attention,” Peter said, chuckling.

“Hey, little guy,” he said as he picked Joey up, standing him up in front of him. “Daddy’s not gonna leave you hanging.” Glancing at Peter, he teased, “Poppa would, but daddy won’t.” Peter smacked the back of Neal’s head and Neal chuckled. “But I love your poppa,” he whispered, kissing his husband’s knee.

“Sure you do…”

“I do.”

Peter smiled at Neal and Neal grinned at him. He combed his fingers through Neal’s soft hair, loving how it felt. Sometimes, he hated himself for touching Neal’s hair this way because it felt like he was petting his husband, which implied that he considered Neal an animal. He liked touching Neal in every possible way that he could, but he never wanted to make Neal feel insignificant or like anything but a human being. He’d been treated like an animal or sex object too many times to count.

Those thoughts brought back a protective bitterness in Peter. He hated those monsters for hurting his husband. Vincent had taken advantage of a very young Neal while Craig had tied him up like an animal to rape him in a warehouse initially. When Craig and Vincent both had Neal, they’d chained him up like an animal in a farmhouse of all places. If that didn’t make Neal feel animalistic, Peter didn’t know what would.

A little while later, Neal was in the kitchen cooking dinner. Peter went in there with him, watching him silently. “Honey,” he eventually whispered. Neal glanced up from the pot he was focused on and gave his husband a look of question. “Can I ask you something? It has to do with…”

Neal didn’t have to ask him to finish his sentence. He knew exactly what Peter wasn’t saying. “Yes. Of course.” He set his spatula down on the counter and gave his husband all of his attention. Peter didn’t like bringing things up that would hurt Neal, but Neal never minded if Peter had a question or needed to understand something.

Peter, nearing his husband, asked, “Have I ever made you feel like an animal?”

“Oh, yeah,” he said, wiggling an eyebrow.

“I’m serious, Neal. Have I?”

Neal sobered up a bit and shook his head. “No, Peter. I’ve never felt like that with you.” Peter stood beside him, staring into his eyes. He looked so sad and Neal didn’t know what to say or do. “Do you think you’ve made me feel that way?”

Peter shrugged. “I don’t know, honey. I just… I was thinking about things and I wanted to know if I’ve ever made you feel the way they made you feel.”

The younger man gave his husband a reassuring smile as he rested his hands on Peter’s chest. “No, never,” he said softly. “You’ve never said any of the horrible things they said to me. You’ve never tried your best to hurt me by using brute force of some sharp object.” He rubbed Peter’s chest slowly, whispering, “You make me feel like a man—like a man who matters to you.”

“You’re everything,” Peter insisted. “I don’t know what to do when you’re not here.”

Neal nodded, gently hushing him. “I feel important when I’m with you. You hold me close, kiss me, and make love to me. I know you can hurt me if you want to, but you’ve never wanted to.” He laughed lightly, adding, “Even when we’ve been kind of rough, you’ve been nothing but sweet and loving. You don’t purposely inflict pain on me. And you know I trust you, Peter.”

“I do know that.”

The older man leaned down and kissed his husband. Neal slid his hands up Peter’s chest and wrapped his arms around Peter’s neck as his eyes slid to a close. Peter gently gripped Neal’s hips and then his proceeded to wrap his arms around Neal, sliding his hands up Neal’s back. Neal loved this man so much. Kissing Peter was fantastic and always made him feel like he matters.

Especially when Peter became a little controlling. He slid his hands down Neal’s body and proceeded to lift him until he was sitting on the countertop. Peter maneuvered himself between Neal’s legs as their kiss continued on. Neal liked this side of Peter. Before Peter, he’d never been lifted up onto a countertop for sex or just for a kiss. The fact that Peter wanted to be so close to him made butterflies flutter in his stomach. He crossed his ankles behind Peter’s back and pressed his chest against Peter’s.

Neal felt desperate as he rubbed himself against his husband. The sounds he was making made it sound like they were getting ready to have sex. He also felt like such a whore because of that fact, but he didn’t care on top of that. It wasn’t like this was some random man he was grinding against—practically dry humping—because it was his husband.

Peter wanted so desperately to let Neal have his way with him, but the clearing of a throat put a pause to their efforts. They broke away from their kiss, gasping for breath. Both men’s faces were flushed and they glanced in the direction of Rebecca as she filled up a glass of water. That immediately pissed Peter off, but Neal’s vice-like grip kept him from strangling her. “I love you,” Neal whispered, leaning closer to rub his nose against Peter’s.

The older man couldn’t help smiling at his husband then. Rebecca sincerely pissed him off, but Neal’s cuteness put him right back into a good mindset. “I love you, too, sweetheart.” He slid his fingers up and down Neal’s sides, eventually gripping his hips gently.

Neal rested his head on Peter’s shoulder, whispering, “I’ll let you do something for me on my birthday.”

“You will?” he asked, surprised. Neal nodded slowly. “Any requests?”

Neal shook his head. “It’s a Saturday. I honestly don’t care what we do because we’ll have all day together.” Peter embraced his husband, loving him more for finally allowing him to celebrate. He hoped Neal would come around, but he didn’t want to hold his breath. “I love you and you want to celebrate. If that makes you happy—and Nicky for that matter—then I’m okay with it.”

“The bigger question is: will it make _you_ happy, my angel?”

“Yeah,” Neal whispered. “I wasn’t feeling up to celebrating because of…” Peter rubbed Neal’s back, giving him his love and support because he knew how much this hurt Neal. “But I changed my mind. You’re my husband and Nicky’s one of my babies. I love you both and you both love me.”

Rebecca was watching the two men, hating Peter for having the one man she desperately wanted. She knew Neal had no interest in her, but he’d had an interest in Nicky’s mother at one point, so she figured she still had a chance even if it were small at best. She wanted to be in Neal’s position and she wanted Neal in Peter’s. Having Neal’s arms around her the way Peter’s arms were around Neal… That would be a dream come true.

“Just you wait, baby,” Peter said softly. “I’ve got some things in mind…”

Neal chuckled, lifting his head to kiss Peter’s shoulder before laying his head down on Peter’s shoulder again. “I can’t wait to see what you come up with.”

Peter wanted to make Neal’s birthday memorable and he did have some things in mind. After discussing some things with Nicky, they’d come up with something fantastic together.


	49. Chapter 49

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter's former mentor arrives in New York and stirs up a bit of drama.

Neal glanced up as the doors opened to his left. He wasn’t sure who this man was, but he looked like he was there on official business. Peter and Reese were busy, so he got up. “Hello,” he said politely.

The man looked him over briefly before giving him a nod of acknowledgment. “Hello, son. I’m Agent Phillip Kramer. And you are?”

“Agent Neal Burke.” As they were about to shake hands, Kramer froze. “Is something wrong, sir?”

Raising an eyebrow, Kramer asked, “Did you say Burke?” Neal nodded, looking a little puzzled. “Any relation to Agent Peter Burke?”

Neal smiled and nodded. “I’m his husband.” Kramer had nothing to say to that and he immediately refused to shake Neal’s hand. Neal had the impression that Kramer was homophobic and it pissed him off a bit. He definitely preferred his husband and Reese as his bosses over this man any day. “If you’re looking for Peter, he’s in conference with Agent Hughes at the moment. He should be done within fifteen minutes.”

“Why don’t you go tell him an old friend dropped in?” Neal hesitated. Peter and Reese were busy trying to figure out some major virus that seemed to have gone through their network during the night. They’d gotten in contact with the tech group and were trying to determine how much information a hacker had gotten if any at all. Neal knew better than to interrupt that kind of important business. “I’m sure he’ll take a moment to say hello.”

The younger man looked a little uncomfortable as he said, “I can’t interrupt them.” Kramer gave him a look of challenge that intimidated Neal, but only slightly. “Agent Kramer, they’ll be done soon, so you—” Kramer brushed past Neal and Neal followed him, trying to get in front of him to barricade him before he reached the stairs. Peter was already in a bad mood upon walking into the bureau this morning. The last thing Neal wanted was for Peter to have an interruption and get pissed off with him. “Agent Kramer,” he said firmly as he slipped around Kramer, finally stopping him. “This is a very serious conference.”

Kramer brushed past him, muttering, “Move aside, agent.”

Neal stared up at Kramer as he walked straight into Reese’s office. His eyes widened as he darted up after him. Peter was going to be _pissed._ “Kramer,” Peter said, sounding surprised. He glanced behind Kramer and saw his husband who looked very frightened. “Neal?” He glanced at Reese and Reese nodded. Heading over to Neal, Peter completely brushed off Kramer. He rested his hands on Neal’s biceps, whispering, “Honey, what’s wrong?”

“I tried to stop him,” Neal whispered. “I told him this was important.” Peter nodded, glancing at Kramer. He nodded towards the doorway and took Neal’s hand, intertwining their fingers. Kramer followed Peter and Peter led both Kramer and Neal into his own office.

“Honey, can you shut the door?” he asked softly after Kramer came into the office. Neal nodded, letting go of Peter’s hand to do as Peter asked. “Kramer, what the hell? You’re not one to argue with another agent when someone tells you there’s something important being discussed.” He glanced at his husband for a moment before meeting Kramer’s gaze. “I don’t know if you introduced yourselves, but this is my hus—”

“I’m aware of who he is.” Peter’s brows furrowed at the tone of Kramer’s voice. He’d known twenty-some years ago that Kramer was homophobic, but he’d been hoping that the new day and age would change his views. Obviously, his hopes were for naught. “Peter, may I speak to you in private?”

Neal was about to leave and Peter snapped, “Neal,” startling the younger man. “He’s my husband. Anything you say to me can be said in front of him. He and I work in the same unit and there are no secrets between us.” Kramer looked critically at Neal and it made Neal feel uncomfortable. It brought on very discomforting and terrifying feelings. Needless to say, that didn’t go unnoticed by Peter. “Neal,” he said, holding his hand out towards the younger man. Neal quickly moved towards Peter, taking his hand tightly. Neal couldn’t meet Kramer’s gaze, feeling very afraid of the man who was a great deal older than him. Peter gave his husband a sympathetic look as Neal latched onto his arm, seeking comfort and protection from Peter. “He won’t hurt you,” Peter whispered. “I promise, angel.”

Kramer raised an eyebrow as he watched the couple in front of him. He was disgusted by Neal’s behavior, feeling that he wasn’t fit to be an FBI agent if he fell to pieces under the gaze of another agent. “This is a matter of security, Peter. Your partner shouldn’t be present.”

“My _husband_ and I have no secrets between us,” Peter repeated firmly. “If you can’t tell both of us, then you may as well talk to Reese. If my husband can’t be included in this conversation, I don’t want to be part of it myself.”

The older man really didn’t like Neal. Peter used to be very obedient and respectful. Kramer didn’t like the man Peter became and he blamed that on this ‘husband’ of Peter’s. “There are rumors of manuscripts floating around Manhattan and Brooklyn.” Peter nodded, wondering what Kramer’s point was. There were a number of manuscripts going around and they were _mostly_ legal. “DC believes a group of CIs who have gone AWOL are forging manuscripts, bringing them to their New York fences, and selling them to unknowing museum owners for a large sum of money.”

Peter nodded again, briefly glancing at his husband. Neal was silently struggling to keep himself under control. His fingers flexed occasionally on Peter’s arm, but he was still holding onto him. “If you can give us a list of the suspected CIs, we’ll put several APBs out for them.” He didn’t understand how this was a sensitive case. It was like any case the art crime division would handle. “Where does this ‘matter of security’ come in?”

“Some of the fences work in these museums, so it may be an inside job.”

“Neal and I can handle this then.”

Kramer scoffed and that immediately pissed Peter off. “He looks like he can barely handle the _idea_ of holding a gun.”

Before Peter could go off on him, Neal straightened up and looked pissed off as well. “I can handle a gun to the utmost perfection, _sir._ If you look at my case history, you’ll see that I have at least a moderate amount of skill.”

“You’re lacking in composure.”

Neal let go of Peter and Peter gripped Neal’s shoulder. He wanted to blow up on Kramer for insulting his husband, but Neal seemed intent on defending himself. “Is this composed enough for you?” he said through his teeth as he got in Kramer’s face. Kramer didn’t react to Neal at all, instead choosing to stare at him blankly, like it didn’t matter that Neal was trying to stick up for himself. “Don’t pass judgment when you don’t know a thing about me.”

“You’re the same Neal who spent time with Agent Fowler, aren’t you?” Neal’s eyes widened and he tensed. “Ah. I thought as much.” He shook his head, looking disappointed. “I suppose this is a step up from being a clerk for OPR.”

“You’re suggesting I slept with Garrett to get here?” he asked incredulously.

Kramer shrugged. “Why else would you be as high as you are now?” He glanced at Peter and shook his head again. “I expected better from you, Petey. You’ve allowed this manipulator to move up the ladder.”

Neal snarled and hissed, “I’m not manipulating my husband. I got here on my own merit. Garrett didn’t give me recommendations. Agent Hughes offered me a position in the White Collar division and I took it.” Kramer raised an eyebrow. “I know I could have gotten into the art crimes division if I’d applied myself—and submitted myself to Garrett. That’s not what I wanted. I didn’t want to get somewhere because of the man I’m with. I got here because of my Quantico record.” Peter rested a hand on Neal’s back, trying to soothe him as best he could. “I came here without expecting a relationship. Peter and I met by coincidence on my first day and we became friends as time went on.”

“And exactly how long have you worked in this division?”

“Six years, sir.”

“How long have you and Peter been together?”

Neal didn’t think that was any of Kramer’s business, but he answered anyway. “Almost six years. We’ve been married for almost four of those six years, sir.”

Kramer was definitely insinuating that Neal was sleeping with the higher-ups to get where he was, but Peter knew better than that. Neal hadn’t put sex on the table when they were beginning to feel something for each other. In fact, Neal had been really afraid of allowing it to go that far. He came back to New York, expecting to work his way up in the White Collar division until he proved he was worth something. Meeting Peter had been chance. Falling in love with Peter was pure luck and Neal was glad he’d come back rather than staying in DC with Garrett. Garrett would more than likely still be abusing him if they were together. He found a good man in the White Collar division who respected and appreciated him.

“Neal wasn’t with me because he wanted special treatment. We developed feelings for each other in the months following our meeting. Like any other relationship, we got together because of those feelings and we’ve been together since.” Peter made sure he defended their relationship because Neal hadn’t expected any special treatment in the beginning. He wanted to work his way up rather than have it all handed to him. Even when he’d been promoted from probie to Special Agent, he questioned whether or not he’d worked hard enough to deserve it. “Neal’s record since arriving here has been nothing short of impressive. If you take the time to read his files and sift through the cases he’s closed, I think you’ll understand why he is where he is right now—and it’s not because of what he and I do behind closed doors.”

Kramer harrumphed and Peter finally convinced him—forcefully—to leave the office. After Kramer stepped out, Neal and Peter were alone. “I’m so tired of my past relationships coming back to haunt me,” Neal growled. Peter nodded, resting a hand on Neal’s back. Neal shrugged him off and Peter understood that this was upsetting his husband. “Every single time I’m accused of sleeping with my boss to get a promotion, I feel like I need to run away.” Peter gave him a hurt look and Neal sighed, shaking his head. “I’m not leaving you, Peter. I just… I feel bad. I don’t want you to ever doubt me. I know I conned you into believing I died, but I’d _never_ use your emotions this way. I love you very much. If all I wanted was a new job title, I would’ve fucked you and gotten somewhere better.”

Peter lifted his hand to caress the left side of Neal’s face. “You know I trust you. The con you pulled on me was for the good of everyone we love. You’re not manipulative. After everything you’ve been through…” Neal frowned and glanced down at the floor. “You know what it’s like to be used, Neal. I know damn well you’d never do that to someone else. If the last six years have proved anything, it’s definitely proved that you love me. You faked your death and led me straight to Craig and I killed him.” He rubbed his thumb over Neal’s lips and smiled softly when Neal met his gaze. “I don’t feel like you’re messing with my mind. When we’re together, I can see that you’re in love. You’ve hated moments when we’ve argued or spent time away from each other. If you didn’t love me, you wouldn’t care whether or not I stayed.”

“You mean so much to me,” Neal said thickly, blinking back tears. “I’m desperately in love with you, Peter. If I lost you, my life would…would be nearly meaningless.” He leaned into Peter’s palm and whispered, “I love my children as much as I love my husband. Peter, I need you in my life. You complete me in ways that the kids can’t. I’ve never felt like this with any other man—like I’m complete.” He smiled sadly and Peter rested his other hand on Neal’s hip, wanting to kiss his husband’s tears away as they finally began to fall. “I made a lot of mistakes in my past, but you’ve accepted me nonetheless. I found my soulmate in you and I never thought I’d find a man like you. I never thought I’d find _you._ ”

“You’re the one for me,” Peter whispered softly. “No one can ever change the way I feel about you, Neal George. I’ve been with you through it all and I don’t plan on walking away from you at any point.” He pulled Neal close and was relieved to receive reciprocation. “I love you too much to let you go. You could be the man to end my life and I’d love you until my dying breath.”

Neal laughed miserably, kissing Peter’s neck. “I can’t live without you. It hurts too much to be without my husband. Without your arms around me, I feel cold and…empty.” Peter kissed Neal’s shoulder, resting both of his hands on Neal’s lower back. That was why he always made sure he held Neal. No matter what happened between them, he loved holding Neal and he knew Neal loved being held by him. “I love you, Peter. I can’t love anyone as much as I love you.”

Peter whispered, “There has never been nor will there ever be another man I can give this amount of love to.” He squeezed Neal gently, adding, “Your sexual history doesn’t affect the way I feel about you. It doesn’t make me love you any less.” He could feel Neal smiling against him, knowing Neal was grateful for that. “Nothing could make me love you any less.”

•◊•

Peter walked into one of the back offices, finding Kramer there alone. “Ah, Petey,” he said as soon as he saw Peter. He was smiling at the younger man, but Peter could see through it. He’d been with Neal long enough to know when a smile was fake and Kramer’s smile was definitely fake, but for a different reason.

“Let’s not beat around the bush, Kramer. What do you have against my husband?”

Kramer made a small sound before opening a file. Upon glancing down at it quickly, he realized it was Neal’s files. He didn’t think Kramer would actually look into Neal, but he should’ve guessed that Kramer would take that seriously. “You were right. He does have an impressive reputation at Quantico and within your division.” Peter immediately sensed the ‘but’ that was sure to come with that statement. “But I found some very interesting things while I was sifting through his files.” Kramer would love to rid Peter of Neal for good. He felt that Neal was using Peter and believed Neal was putting on some kind of show as he had been while confronting Kramer earlier. “Your husband is a known suicide risk.” Peter tensed immediately. “He also appears to be quite the liability. His son has been kidnapped and he himself has been kidnapped quite a bit. They abused him pretty badly.”

“Abuse is the wrong word to use,” Peter snapped. Kramer looked up at Peter curiously, wondering what Peter wasn’t saying. “My husband wasn’t just _abused_ when he was kidnapped. He was raped—sexually abused, if you will. To imply that he was beaten solely for his kidnappers to acquire a ransom is completely wrong. They wanted him and they used his son and myself to get him.” The fact that Kramer hadn’t reacted to that tidbit of information sent flames coursing through Peter’s body. He didn’t look sympathetic for Neal at all. “My husband is a very strong, intelligent man.”

“He seems more like a liability than anything else.”

“Liability? You think my husband is a liability? Did you not see all that he’s accomplished?” Kramer began to mention Neal’s suicide attempts that were in Neal’s medical records and Peter interjected. “If you were in his position, if you’d been forced to endure rape, you would understand. Both I and his son became a bargaining chip for his kidnappers. He went through a really dark chapter when he came back and I don’t blame him for his suicidal tendency.” He grabbed the file and slid it closer to himself, staring at the damning proof that Neal’s body had been damaged a great deal. The hospital didn’t leave any details out. They mentioned how bruised, bloody, and battered he was. He’d received concussions and there were at least two bones broken by Craig the first time. He scanned over the STDs his husband had received from those bastards as well as a detailed description of Neal’s inward abuse. He wasn’t only bleeding on the outside. Neal had suffered when he’d been raped. They, quite literally, fucked him until he bled.

The descriptions were horrifying to read, but he remembered how horrifying they were to experience. He’d been there for Neal’s recovery. Neal hadn’t been able to move on his own because he was abused physically and exhausted. Peter had been there to help Neal with ointments and such and he’d sat beside the bathtub to keep Neal company when Neal was relaxing as per the doctor’s orders. He’d been there to help Neal with whatever he needed. The fact that Neal survived it all and managed to recover for the most part was amazing. Hell, it was bordering on a miracle—because he knew damn well Neal could have drowned or hung himself since he had many opportunities to do so.

Kramer could see something in the way Peter looked. “How do you know he wasn’t in cahoots with his captors?”

“How can you possibly dispute what he went through?” Peter asked incredulously. “I’m the one who pulled him into my arms the moment I found him. There’s no doubt in my mind that he was tortured against his will. He’s been scarred in more ways than one.” Growling, Peter added, “Don’t assume you know my husband. His past is far worse than that file could ever detail it. You can never possibly understand what he’s been through and he isn’t even forty yet.”

“Where is this husband of yours anyway?”

“He’s at home with our three children.” Kramer looked confused. “Our oldest is Neal’s biological son who was born before I met Neal. Our two infants are twins that we adopted as a married couple. He picked our son up from school and went home to take care of our twins.”

Kramer made a sarcastically impressed sound. “Quite the fantasy you’ve created.” At the pissed off look on Peter’s face, Kramer added, “Your husband supposedly slept with several members of the OPR division and at least one of them lobbied for him to get here. I don’t think you know your own husband.”

Peter stormed out of the office after that. He spent another hour staring at the framed picture of himself and Neal on his desk before finally going home. He didn’t believe a word Kramer said about Neal because Neal told him everything. He admitted to things he’d given his consent for that he regrets and he’s told Peter about every relationship or one night stand he’s had. Neal wasn’t hiding anything from him.

As soon as he’d gotten home, he suddenly doubted Neal. He hated himself for even considering that Neal would’ve lied to him. Neal really didn’t have anything to hide, but Kramer’s words kept echoing in his mind. He’d discuss it with Neal in private later. Upon arriving home, he’d cooked dinner for his family, ate with them, and helped Nicky with homework—the math homework anyway. Neal wasn’t a mathematician, so he left that part for Peter, but he’d helped with the rest of Nicky’s assignments prior to Peter coming home.

By the time ten o’clock rolled around, Peter was watching Neal grab clean clothes to lay out on the bed because he wanted to take a shower. Neal looked happier now and Peter didn’t know why. He couldn’t think of anything he’d done since coming home that would’ve elevated his husband’s mood. “Are you planning on joining me, my love?” Neal asked softly, smiling at Peter as he stood in front of him.

Peter stopped Neal before Neal could stroke Peter’s hair. The hurt look on Neal’s face made Peter’s heart wrench. “Have you ever lied to me about your past relationships?”

“No, Peter.”

“How many OPR agents did you have sexual relationships with?”

Neal’s brows furrowed as he answered, “Just Garrett. Peter, where is this coming from?” Peter didn’t give him an answer and Neal could see that Peter was upset. He’d noticed before dinner, but he’d been hoping Peter would be in a better mood by the time they were in their bedroom together. “Did Kramer tell you something after I left?” Peter nodded slowly and Neal sighed, taking a seat beside him. “Ask me anything you want to know. I have nothing to hide from you, Peter Michael.”

“How many OPR agents were you acquainted with on a very personal level?”

Neal stared directly into Peter’s eyes as he answered, “One—Garrett. I wasn’t social in DC. Garrett met me when I was assigned to work on a case with him. He completely humiliated me in front of his whole team on my first day, so no one really cared to associate themselves with me.” Peter gave him a look of confusion and Neal sighed, whispering, “He knew I was gay as soon as he met me. His boss was homophobic, so he made fun of me for being gay. He asked me out when I was leaving work and I… I stupidly agreed to dinner. I admit that I didn’t have feelings for him then because of the way he treated me, but they developed over a few weeks. He and I didn’t have sex for several months and he abused me as soon as we began to have sex—as had similarly happened between me and Matthew.”

The younger man didn’t like that Kramer was putting lies into Peter’s mind, making him question Neal’s truths. “You didn’t…sleep with multiple agents while you were in DC?”

Shaking his head, Neal said, “No. I’ve always been monogamous even though I consented to a threesome a few times—only with Matthew and his boytoy.” He made a disgusted look before shaking his head again. “I fell in love with Garrett even as he cuffed me in the closet and went through all of my things. After almost two years with him, I called it quits. I’d been traveling back and forth between DC and New York because I was attending Quantico, but I didn’t want Nicky to constantly be uprooted. When I completed my training at Quantico, I decided I was leaving him and I was going back home to be with my son. Fortunately, Reese offered me a position. It was perfectly timed and I appreciated that I’d have a job as soon as I got back home.”

“Then you met me,” Peter whispered.

Neal nodded, smiling a little. “Then I met you.”

“So, you never…”

“No,” Neal said softly. “I earned everything I have right now. I earned the position I’m in with the bureau. I earned the job I have. I earned the beautiful family I have with you—my beautiful husband.”

Peter pulled Neal close, wrapping his arms around the younger man. “I’m sorry that I even questioned you… You’re my husband. We’ve been together for more than half a decade. I shouldn’t doubt you at all.”

Neal hushed him gently. “You have every right to question me. My sexual past is… Honestly, you could question a lot of it. I don’t care if I have to answer ridiculous questions.” He kissed Peter’s shoulder, whispering, “I’ll answer all of your questions honestly. I refuse to lie to you. It hurts me when I lie to you and I can’t keep it up very long when I try.”

“I know, honey.” They held each other for quite some time, letting their warmth and love radiate between them. Moments like this were moments Peter treasured because he knew Neal’s love for him was genuine and true. “So… About that shower.” Neal chuckled, straightening up enough to kiss the older man. “Let’s get a little dirty before we wash up,” Peter said huskily.

Neal kissed Peter’s cheek, smiling as he whispered, “I like the sound of that.”

•◊•

The following morning was Saturday morning. Both Neal and Peter had woken up around six o’clock and they’d made love for an hour before finally getting out of bed. They were downstairs on the couch. Peter was watching a game with Neal’s legs over his lap while Neal read a book quietly. Peter rubbed his husband’s legs soothingly, letting the younger man know he was loved even if Peter was focusing on the game more than he was focusing on Neal. “In a week, it’ll be your thirty-eighth birthday,” Peter whispered unprecedentedly.

Neal lowered his book and met his husband’s gaze. “Very good, teddy,” he teased. Peter smacked his legs playfully, chuckling. “I gave you permission to do something for me, but you know all I really need is a hug and a kiss from you as soon as I wake up. I’m not expecting you to be my servant for the day and call me your king or anything.”

“Is that a fantasy you’ve entertained in your dreams?” Peter asked as he raised an eyebrow.

“Mm. Not exactly.” Peter looked amused and intrigued at the same time. “It’s kind of the other way around. You know, me on my knees in front of you…” He wiggled his eyebrows and felt Peter suddenly become very hard. “I like being on my knees for you. I’m more than happy to get down on the floor and suck you into oblivion on your birthday all night long.”

“Wow. For a man who isn’t into much of the kinky kind of sex, you’re pretty kinky and I’m really turned on, so thank you.” Neal chuckled while Peter slid his hands up and down Neal’s legs. “You know I’ll never make you do something you don’t want to do, but if you wear your lingerie and just…get onto your knees in front of me, I’ll be very pleased. You don’t even have to blow me. Just look up at me and let me stroke your hair. That’s sufficient enough for me, my angel.”

Neal grinned. “On your birthday, your wish is my command.”

Peter made a surprised sound. “Oh, so you can be my servant, but I can’t be yours?”

“Do you want to be my servant?”

“Hell yes I do,” Peter said immediately. “I’ll make you my king every single day. Honestly, you don’t order me around enough. I’d be happy to get on my knees for you.”

Neal shivered and Peter smiled at him. “Normally, I’d despise the idea of making you do that, but…” Peter grinned. “If you want to make me your king on my birthday, I won’t stop you.” He never liked the idea of dominating Peter, but Peter sincerely wanted to do this, so Neal didn’t exactly want to discourage his husband. Their relationship is meant to be give and take, not strictly one giving and the other taking. Neal would readily get down on his knees for Peter at the drop of a hat because he feels like that’s his duty to his husband. Peter though… He was kind of interested in seeing what Peter would do to him if he were in the submissive position—not that Neal would penetrate him or anything. He just wanted to give Peter the opportunity to play that role.

“I’m yours,” Peter whispered. “You deserve to be treated like a king on a daily basis, but I’ll settle for one day if you’re willing to let me do it.”

Before Neal could respond, the basement door opened and Rebecca stepped out. She glanced sleepily at the two men on the couch. Peter glanced at her, but Neal kept his eyes on Peter. “Morning, guys.”

“Good morning,” both Neal and Peter said in response.

She made her way upstairs to their bathroom and Peter tugged on Neal’s legs a bit. “I can’t wait for her to go home,” he muttered. “I don’t like the way she looks at you. It makes me jealous.” Neal smiled at him softly, loving his husband for admitting that. “She wants the one man she can never have, so I realize how lucky I am to have you for myself.”

Neal set his book down on the table as the game came back on from its commercial break. He pulled his legs back and shifted around a bit until he was curled up against Peter with Peter’s arm around him. “I belong to you and only you, Peter. I married you and devoted my life to you for eternity.” Peter kissed Neal’s hair and sighed contentedly. “I’ll never belong to anyone else because I never want to be with anyone else.”

“I just hope I keep you happy,” Peter whispered.

The younger man rubbed his husband’s thigh, softly saying, “You always make me happy. I’m happy and alive partly because of your efforts—the other part being our babies. I love you very much and I’d do anything for you, as I would for our children.” Peter rested his head atop Neal’s intertwining his left fingers with Neal’s right. Both of their hands rested in Peter’s lap and Peter wished he and Neal could always have this kind of peace and quiet—this tranquility together.

Rebecca came down a few minutes later and didn’t say a word as she sat down on the other couch. Her eyes were on the couple sitting close together and she despised Peter. She despised the fact that he makes Neal happy because she wants to make Neal happy. She despised him because he was given the ability to make love with Neal every night and she desperately wanted Neal to be inside of her.

Peter knew that Rebecca wanted his husband and he was grateful to know that Neal would never cheat on him. Neal, as a gay man, would never fall in honest love with a woman. Peter was jealous by another person’s gaze upon his husband, but Neal is _his_ husband. “I love you, honey.”

Neal glanced up at him, smiling. “As much as I love you, my big teddy.” He squeezed Peter’s fingers gently, conveying how sincere his love for Peter was and always will be. Nothing could ever separate them for good.


	50. Chapter 50

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Burkes celebrate Neal's birthday.

Peter traced the muscles of his husband’s abdomen, smiling softly at the younger man who was still asleep. It was Neal’s birthday and he desperately wanted Neal to enjoy it since he’d been given the green light to celebrate it. He glanced at the door as it creaked open a bit. “Hey, buddy,” he whispered, smiling at his son as he poked his head into the bedroom.

“Hi, poppa,” he said softly, returning the smile. “Can I come in?”

The older man glanced down at his husband before meeting his son’s eyes. “I’m gonna be upfront with you right now and tell you that your dad is naked, so I wouldn’t recommend getting under the blanket with him.” Nicky giggled and nodded, coming in. He sat at the end of the bed and glanced at his father. “He’s pretty tired, so I was letting him sleep in a bit.” Nicky wiggled his eyebrows at Peter and Peter smiled wryly at his son. “Who’s got the dirty mind now?”

Nicky giggled again. “Everything’s all set for tonight?” Peter nodded, smiling at his husband’s beautiful face. “He’ll love it, poppa.”

“The idea was yours and I’ll make damn sure that I clarify that when we’re out. It was brilliant and I’ll let you know how dad reacts.”

“All I did for him was paint. You’re going to make his night magical—in more ways than one.”

Peter shook his head. “Your father would be pretty disappointed in me for continuing a sexual conversation with you, so…”

Nicky raised an eyebrow, thoroughly amused. “Poppa, I’m not going to pretend that I don’t know what you two do when you’re in bed together—or in the shower.” He chuckled when Peter’s face flushed. “Yeah, you might want to keep dad from knocking things over in there. I’m quite the distance away from your room, but I could still hear the shampoo and soap hitting the shower floor.” Peter slid his fingers over Neal’s skin, embarrassed by the fact that he and Neal weren’t very quiet. He doesn’t regret anything he did with Neal, but he didn’t exactly want their son to hear them. “You guys have sex in the shower a _lot._ ”

“Nick,” Peter hissed, his eyes wide. “Can we not talk about this, please? Your daddy’s going to wake up and hear this and he’ll be mad at me.” Nicky grinned and nodded. “I know you’re old enough to understand a lot of things, but dad and I… _need_ that time to ourselves. When you’re in a relationship with someone you love with all of your heart and soul, you’ll know what I mean.”

The teenager laid on his side, staring at his father’s back. He could see the long scar that crossed it as well as other little marks he’d received over the course of his lifetime. “Can I ask you something?” Peter nodded, focusing on his son entirely. “I love my dad no matter what, but I want to know… How do you deal with seeing all of his scars? You’re the only person he’s comfortable being naked around, so you get to see it all.”

Leaning forward to kiss Neal’s temple, Peter whispered, “Those scars prove that he’s a survivor. Your dad’s a strong man and he’s made it through a hell of a lot of pain.” He glanced at his husband then, lifting his hand to gently stroke Neal’s jaw. There were several little scars there that he barely saw. He knew they were there, but he didn’t focus on them for Neal’s sake. He remembered Neal telling him about them, but it’d taken him a long time to do so after he’d come home from his week with Craig. Craig was a really sick bastard and he found it particularly kinky to scare Neal half to death by choking him with rope occasionally while they had sex.

The rope rubbed against Neal’s neck and brushed against Neal’s jaw, leaving a few small scars. Once he revealed that to Peter, Peter nearly broke down. He couldn’t imagine how much hell Neal had experienced. “But…”

Peter leaned closer to Neal and kissed his jaw, his throat, and his shoulder. “I love him for the man he is. I’ve never wanted him simply because of his body.” Meeting Nicky’s eyes, he whispered, “Like I said, his scars have proven that he’s a survivor. The fact that he can live with them proves to me that he’s very strong. I don’t see his scars unless he points them out to me. I just see him for the man he is rather than his appearance. I call him my angel for a reason.”

Nicky nodded slowly, seeing his father’s scars as clear as day. He wouldn’t comment on them directly with Neal because he didn’t want to hurt his dad by bringing up horrible memories, but he thought he’d ask Peter since Peter stayed with him even after seeing everything that’d been done to him. “What about the one on his leg?” he asked tentatively.

Sudden anger surged through Peter, but he wasn’t mad at his son. Nicky saw the anger and he immediately sat up straighter, biting his lip. He hadn’t meant to offend Peter or piss him off. “I want to find a way to get it off of him, but I don’t know how to do that,” he whispered firmly. “I don’t pay attention to it, but he does. It really bothers dad.” Peter glanced down towards where the scar was, but he didn’t make a move to touch it. “None of those major scars were his doing. He didn’t ask to be tortured the way he was. I don’t hold him responsible for any of it nor would I ever do that to him.” He kissed Neal’s forehead and saw the little smile on Neal’s lips. “I love him because he’s a good, intelligent, loving man. He would never treat me poorly for any scars I would’ve received if we were in the other’s position. His heart, mind, smile, and beautiful eyes make me love him so much.”

Neal’s eyes slowly fluttered open as he became a little more aware of his surroundings. He heard Peter talking about him, but he’d been half-conscious, so he was hearing bits and pieces. “Mm,” he moaned as he scooted closer to his husband.

Peter wrapped his arm around Neal, kissing his hair as he whispered, “Good morning, my love, and happy birthday.”

“Good morning,” Neal whispered in response, kissing Peter’s chest. “I thought I heard my little boy’s voice,” he murmured.

Nicky, giggling, said, “You did, dad.” He crawled towards Neal and leaned over him, kissing his cheek. “Happy birthday, daddy.”

Neal smiled up at his son, reaching up to caress his cheek. “Thanks, kiddo.”

“Get up and get dressed, dad.” Neal raised an eyebrow at his son. “Love you!” He kissed Neal’s cheek again and hopped off of the bed, darting out of his fathers’ bedroom.

The younger man shook his head, murmuring, “Silly kid.” He met his husband’s gaze and saw the way Peter was smiling at him. He knew his husband was happy and he knew exactly why. Peter wanted to celebrate him because he changed Peter’s life for the better. Neal, for as much as he hates himself sometimes, was really thankful to hear that almost every year since they’d gotten together. To prove that he was just as happy as his husband, he crawled on top of him, straddling his waist. The blanket barely covered his lower back as he arched his back a bit, leaning down to kiss Peter tenderly.

Peter held Neal’s shoulders, closing his eyes the moment Neal’s lips pressed against his. He slid his hands up Neal’s neck and gently grabbed his head, shifting him so he could suck at Neal’s neck. “You’re in a good mood this morning,” he whispered, slowly sliding his tongue over his husband’s skin. Neal shivered and moaned quietly. Peter chuckled, murmuring, “I like a bad birthday boy.”

“I want to be a bad boy today,” Neal whispered, gasping quietly as Peter sent wonderful sensations through his body. “Oh, my God… Peter. Mm.”

“My naughty, naughty baby boy,” Peter whispered huskily, nipping at Neal’s skin playfully. He rolled them over and loved the way Neal giggled before moaning. “I’m gonna love the hell out of you tonight.”

Neal moaned again and it really turned Peter on. “I certainly hope so…”

Peter chuckled. “Naughty boys—”

“Are you guys coming?” Nicky said outside of the doorway.

Peter froze above Neal and Peter felt Neal tense beneath him. “Uh, yes, Nicky,” Neal said, trying to get himself under control. “Think he heard us?” Neal whispered.

Shrugging, Peter said, “More than likely. He does like to eavesdrop on us at times… And I think he’s sexually charged like his daddy, so he’s curious.” Neal raised an eyebrow and Peter chuckled, kissing him. “He’s been comparing himself and Trent to you and me. I think he wants to experiment with Trent, so… I think he listens to us to see if he can have what he believes is the ‘perfect’ relationship.”

Neal sighed quietly. “Aside from my issues and our occasional fights, our relationship is perfect. There’s no doubt as to whether or not I love you or you love me.” Peter nodded, kissing his husband gently. “I know you love me even when I act like I don’t know it. You… You’re the perfect one here, Peter.”

“I’m just here because I love you,” Peter whispered. “I don’t plan on going anywhere. No matter what happens, you’re my husband, my best friend, and my soulmate.” Neal always loved hearing Peter say that. It made him feel good because he never thought he’d be a husband or a soulmate. He really felt like he didn’t deserve his own life at times, so he’d never expected to fall in love with someone who genuinely reciprocated his feelings. “I don’t want to be without you and I’m thankful to have you.”

Both men went to get the twins before heading downstairs. Neal’s hair was a mess, but Peter loved that. Nicky was bouncing eagerly as he sat on the couch. “What’s got you so hyped up, my little love?” Neal asked, raising an eyebrow.

Peter knew Nicky was acting this way because Nicky knew what Peter was going to do for Neal later that night. It’d been Nicky’s idea and Peter loved it. He’d called Mozzie and Mozzie agreed to babysit while he took Neal out for a little while. They needed a date night and Peter wanted to make it perfect. He was extremely nervous about it though, simply because he wanted that night to be memorable for Neal. He, being the way he is, feared that he’d do something to fuck it all up. And Neal, being Neal, would assure him that he loved it no matter what, but Peter would know he’d been an absolute failure.

“I want you to look at your present.”

Neal smiled softly at his son, who leapt off of the couch and raced over towards the wall. He pulled it out from behind a cabinet and Neal chuckled. “We’re getting creative when it comes to hiding gifts, I see,” he teased. Peter smiled as he sat down with Joey. Neal set Brie down beside Peter and neared his older son. “All right, baby boy.” Nicky held it out for him and Neal took it graciously. He turned a bit to lay the box down on the couch before sliding the contents out. As soon as he looked at it, he gasped quietly.

It was a painting of a picture he knew he had lying around the house, but it was a picture that meant a lot to him. He was holding Nicky in his arms for the first time. Mozzie had captured the moment for him and he treasured that picture because Nicky is his first baby, which made him very special. The fact that that had been painted awed him, but the fact that _Nicky_ painted it just took his heart hostage and whisked it away to some pleasant place.

Nicky, seeing that his father was speechless, worried that his dad didn’t like the gift. Tentatively, he stepped a little closer to Neal, hesitantly asking, “What do you think?”

Peter knew his husband very well by this point to know when Neal was emotional and how emotional he was feeling. Neal blinked rapidly—the prelude of tears—and rubbed his mouth a bit as he stared at the painting. “Nicolas,” he whispered, turning to look at his son. “This is beautiful.” It was so vibrant and wonderful. It reminded Neal of that particular moment. He’d been nervous, excited, and thankful when he met his son for the first time. “I don’t know what to say to thank you,” he whispered as tears slid down his cheeks. He tried to rub his tears away, but Nicky took the painting out of his hands and set it down before pulling his father into a tight embrace.

“I wouldn’t be here without you,” he whispered against Neal’s chest. Neal cried a little harder as he squeezed his son. He hated the fact that he was crying like a baby, but this meant so much to him. “I love you, daddy.”

“I love you, too,” Neal said thickly.

The older man watched his husband and son, smiling warmly at them both. He told Nicky that Neal would love the painting and Nicky doubted that. Neal excused himself a moment later, heading up to the bathroom to wash his face a bit. “I didn’t think he was going to cry.”

Peter chuckled. “I told you, buddy. It doesn’t take much to make your dad happy. He loves everything you do.” Joey started bouncing excitedly on Peter’s lap and Peter chuckled again, holding his son’s waist to keep him under at least a moderate amount of control. Brie was sitting beside him, sucking on her own fingers.

Neal came back a few minutes later and his face and eyes were still a little red. “You okay, daddy?” Neal nodded, smiling at his son.

“C’mere, my love,” Peter said softly. Neal went towards the couch and sat beside his husband. Peter wrapped an arm around Neal, kissing his temple.

Nicky eagerly darted over to his father and jumped right onto his lap. Neal made a sound of discomfort before shifting his son a bit until he was comfortable again. “Baby, you should understand by now that jumping into my lap is a little painful.” Peter grinned, knowing part of the problem was that Neal was hard as hell—and had been since he’d actually woken up. Nicky always managed to nail Neal and Peter found it kind of funny. He wrapped his arms around his son, murmuring, “That was okay when you were, like, nine, but you’re bigger and bonier than you were then.”

The teenager gave his father a sheepish smile, whispering, “Sorry, daddy.”

Peter smiled at Nicky as he leaned down onto Neal’s shoulder. Neal loved cuddling with his son and he loved it even more when Nicky initiated it because he knew that Nicky was getting to that age when he wouldn’t want his father so close anymore. Although, Neal wasn’t so sure about that considering what they went through together. Either way, he loves his son dearly and he’d never even dream about turning Nicky down if Nicky wanted to cuddle with him.

•◊•

Neal squeaked when his ass was grabbed and arms wrapped around his waist. Peter kissed his neck and murmured, “I love the sounds you make.”

“That, my darling, was the sound of me having a Peter-induced heart attack…”

Peter smirked as he pressed another kiss against his husband’s neck. “Can I ask you something?” Neal made a sound akin to yes and Peter continued. “I already planned something for tonight,” he whispered. “Will you let me take you out?”

Neal turned a little in Peter’s arms, smiling at him lovingly. “Of course, Peter.” He kissed the older man tenderly and then nuzzled his face against Peter’s. “Dinner and a movie?”

Rolling his eyes, Peter responded, “No, lover. I have something a little more…us in mind—although the idea belongs to our son. He came up with an idea and I expanded on it, but he helped me with a lot of things.” He knew Neal was curious now, but he was going to keep it a surprise nonetheless. Spoiling it now would ruin Neal’s reaction. “I’m warning you ahead of time that I’d like to blindfold you so I can surprise you, but I need to know if that makes you uncomfortable.”

The younger man rested his hands atop Peter’s. “I trust you. You can blindfold me.” He met Peter’s gaze, seeing the nervousness in his husband’s expression. “Don’t worry, babe. I know you’re not planning on taking me to a ditch or the edge of a mountain just to kill me off.” He gave Peter a teasing smile and Peter smiled wryly at him. “You know I trust you. I wouldn’t have done a lot of things if I didn’t trust you.”

Peter nodded, kissing Neal’s forehead. Neal closed his eyes and smiled before turning completely in Peter’s arms, pressing his chest against Peter’s. “I know, honey,” Peter said softly. “I just like to make sure you’re comfortable before I do anything. The last thing I want to do is scare you when I’m trying to do something decent for you.”

“God,” Neal groaned. “You always doubt yourself, but you tell me that I should love myself. Hypocrite.” He chuckled and kissed Peter to make sure Peter knew he was teasing him. Peter rolled his eyes again, surprising Neal by quickly grabbing Neal’s hips. He lifted the younger man onto the countertop and put himself between Neal’s legs. “Mm,” Neal moaned. “I love when you do that.”

The older man knew Neal liked that. It was kind of like he was being swept off of his feet and Peter liked giving Neal that feeling. “I love you,” Peter whispered. He wrapped his arms around Neal’s waist and pulled him a little closer, grinding against him. “I don’t suppose you’d take a break from baking your cake to make love with me?” Neal wrapped his arms around Peter’s neck and nodded, closing his eyes as he gave himself over to Peter entirely. The twins were napping and Nicky was playing downstairs, so they had a little time to themselves.

Peter dragged Neal off of the countertop, holding him against him. “You don’t have to carry me,” Neal whispered as he leaned towards Peter’s shoulder a bit.

“It’s your birthday and you’re my hubby. Let me carry you, damn it.” Both men chuckled as Peter set Neal down on the floor for a moment before scooping him up into his arms bridal style. He carried Neal up the stairway without too much of a problem. Neal, for his age and size, was still pretty light. Even though he wasn’t acting like he had an eating disorder anymore, he still didn’t put on a whole lot of weight. He ate regularly though, so Peter was okay with it—especially since Neal wasn’t forcing himself to throw up either.

“This makes me think about our honeymoon,” Neal whispered as Peter brought him into their bedroom. Peter smiled, setting his husband down onto their bed. Neal looked up at Peter, asking, “Can we just make love? It doesn’t have to be one of your ‘I need to make sweet love to my husband’ things because it’s my birthday. I just want to be with my husband.”

Peter chuckled, lifting his hands to caress Neal’s face. “I always make sweet love to you, honey. All I want from you is for you to lie beneath me and kiss me while I make love to you.” Neal’s face heated up as he kept his eyes locked onto Peter’s. He loved making love with Peter. It was always lovemaking. They’ve had angry sex a few times, but not recently. Neither of them felt good about sex unless they could enjoy it together.

“Fine,” Neal said, rolling his eyes. “I think I like kissing you anyway.” Peter raised an eyebrow as Neal smirked. “Guess we’ll have to kiss a few times before I know for sure.”

The older man chuckled before pouncing on top of his husband, kissing him passionately. Neal squeezed Peter’s body between his legs, wrapping his arms around Peter’s neck. Their eyes were closed and Neal was thoroughly enjoying the heat between the two of them. Peter proceeded to grind into his husband’s groin, eliciting quiet moans from the younger man. “You’re going to _love_ kissing me, my sweetheart.”

Neal grinned against his husband’s lips, allowing Peter to undress them both. He let Peter control it all because it was part of Peter’s gift to him.

Needless to say, Peter exhausted himself and his husband, so they laid in bed, curled up together in a sweaty mess of limbs. That’s why Peter was frustrated when he had to shift around to grab his phone when it started vibrating on the nightstand. He didn’t want to move Neal off of his chest, so he had to maneuver himself in such a fashion that he was able to answer without moving his husband. As soon as he answered, he made a sound of acknowledgement without looking at who was calling him. “ _Peter? It’s Diana. Do you have a moment?_ ”

Groaning, Peter murmured, “Unfortunately.” She hesitated on the other end, so he rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and cleared his throat quietly. “What’s up, Di?”

“ _Agent Kramer is pulling Neal’s casework,_ ” she said quietly.

Peter’s brows furrowed as he glanced down at his husband’s sleeping form. Neal’s arm was draped over Peter’s waist and his head rested on Peter’s chest. “Why? What’s he looking for?”

She made a sound of frustration. “ _I don’t know, boss, but I have a bad feeling about all of this. He asked me to bring him all of Neal’s files—including personal files. I know it probably wasn’t the best—_ ”

“No,” he interjected. “Let him have them. I want to see why he’s taken a sudden interest in my husband.” He stroked Neal’s bare skin lightly, watching Neal’s face. “Do what he asks of you, but keep me in the loop, okay?” She made a sound akin to yes and he continued with, “Neal and I will be back in the office on Monday. I’ll speak to Kramer myself then and see if I can pry any direct answers out of him. He acted like Neal has the plague when he was around him.”

“ _Does he have something to hold against Neal?_ ”

Peter bit his lip, wondering what Neal could have done that would have piqued Kramer’s interest. Neal had quite the caseload on paper, but his personal records… Kramer wanted those, too. Those records held details pertaining to Neal’s rapes and the aftermath of them each time. He didn’t want Kramer trying to oust Neal from the bureau because of something that’d been out of Neal’s control. Neal had been raped too many times to keep track of and Peter refused to allow Kramer to discriminate against his husband for something that wasn’t Neal’s fault. “I don’t know, Di. I’m not letting him hurt Neal though.” He lifted his hand to stroke Neal’s sweaty hair, shutting his eyes. “Thanks for giving me a heads-up. I’ll take care of this.”

He hung up a few moments later and laid the phone on the mattress, weaving his fingers through Neal’s hair until Neal whispered, “What’s wrong?” Peter startled, opening his eyes to see Neal looking up at him groggily. “You’re tense and you look upset,” he added.

“Nothing, honey,” he whispered as he gently tugged on Neal’s arm until Neal scooted up enough for a kiss. He immediately relaxed, letting Neal’s head rest on his shoulder after their kiss. Neal smiled softly at his husband, staring into his eyes lovingly. “God,” Peter whispered, reaching out with his left hand to stroke Neal’s cheek. “How did I marry such a beautiful man?”

Neal chuckled, whispering, “You helped him clean up a mess at work and then helped him clean up his mess of a life.” He kissed Peter’s jaw, adding, “I married a man more beautiful inside and out than I.”

Peter smacked Neal’s arm, muttering, “Between the two of us, you’re the beautiful one.”

“Fuck you,” Neal said, chuckling as he forced himself on top of his husband, sitting up to straddle him. “You’re a very, very attractive man. Despite what you think, I think you’re sexier than hell.” Peter rolled his eyes and Neal raised an eyebrow, silently challenging his husband. “You always think I’m the one gathering all of the attention when we walk into a room, but you know what?” Peter made a questioning sound as he stared up at his husband. “There’s only one man whose attention I crave,” he whispered. “And there’s only one man I crave with such intense desire. I don’t see anyone else in a room nor do I care if they’re paying attention to me. The only person who matters to me is _you._ I love my gorgeous husband and he’s the only one I want.”

Shortly thereafter, Peter was dressing Neal. Neal didn’t know what to wear for their little date, so Peter picked out clothing for him. He selected a loose silky shirt and comfortable pants for his husband while he chose to wear dress pants and a button-down shirt. While Neal was getting his shoes on, Nicky stood in their doorway, making direct eye contact with Peter. The older man smiled at their son and nodded minutely to let him know that they were leaving for a little while.

Mozzie was already there, which made things a hell of a lot easier. “You look beautiful,” Peter whispered as he wrapped his arms around Neal’s waist. Neal was trying to make sure his outfit looked absolutely perfect because he had the urge to look perfect for Peter, but Peter purposely messed with his shirt. “Stop fussing and come with me, honey.”

Neal grumbled under his breath a bit as Peter took his hand and led him downstairs. Nicky was at the bottom of the stairway, waiting for his fathers while Mozzie relaxed on the couch. “Have a good time,” Nicky said as he smiled at the two men he loved more than anything. Neal smiled and hugged his son before allowing Nicky to plow right into Peter, hugging him tightly. Peter always loved when Nicky showed him that kind of love. Even after several years, it meant the world to him.

They headed outside after saying they’d be back shortly and Peter led him to the Taurus, opening the door for him like a perfect gentleman. He closed the door for his husband before proceeding to get in on the driver’s side. As soon as he was in the car, he glanced at Neal, seeing the soft smile on his face. “Peter Michael, I love you to death,” he whispered.

“As I love you, my darling,” Peter said sweetly, buckling himself in before starting up the car. As soon as he began to drive off, he intertwined his fingers with Neal’s, rubbing Neal’s wedding ring with his thumb. “I’m so thankful to have you in my life right now,” he told Neal. “I know I wouldn’t be this happy if I’d never met you. I wouldn’t be open about my sexuality and I wouldn’t have such a beautiful family. Most importantly, I wouldn’t have found my soulmate—the one I _want_ to give my love to and spend the rest of my life with.”

Neal lifted their hands and kissed Peter’s knuckles. “I love you, Peter. I know we’ve had so many problems—most of them because of me—and I’m eternally grateful to you for staying in my life.” Peter squeezed his hand gently. “I don’t know anyone else who could ever love me the way you love me. I don’t know anyone who’s strong enough to help me through everything you’ve helped me through. I’m still alive because you’ve shown me that I have so many reasons to be alive right now.”

They quietly sang to music on the CD Peter put together for Neal’s birthday a few years earlier. “Honey, are you willing to put the blindfold on now?” Neal made a sound akin to yes. “Open the glove compartment. There’s a legitimate blindfold in there. If you can’t do it yourself, I’ll pull over.”

“I’m sure I can do it,” he said as he leaned forward, popping the compartment open. He pulled a black cloth out of it and sat back to tie it around his face, covering his eyes. Peter glanced over at him for a moment, seeing that he’d gotten it himself. He smiled before taking Neal’s hand in his again. “Told ya, smartass.”

Peter chuckled, whispering, “I love you.” They drove for several minutes before Peter began to slow down and pull over simultaneously. “Okay, my love. Don’t remove your blindfold yet—and no peeking. I’m going to come around to your side and help you out.”

“All right, love.”

Neal waited as Peter slid out of the car and shut his door. The most he did was unbuckle himself before Peter finally opened his door. He took Neal’s right hand in his gently and lifted it to kiss it, whispering, “My king.” Neal grinned, stepping out of the car. Peter shut the door after Neal moved aside and then he led his husband down a trail.

He was trying to guess where Peter had taken him, but he honestly didn’t want to ruin the surprise. Peter obviously had some anxiety about bringing him here and Neal would’ve smacked him, subsequently telling him that nothing Peter did could ever be disappointing. “Damn. You’re going to kill me, aren’t you?” he teased.

The older man chuckled, shaking his head. “No, honey. I do have to make up for the fact that I interrupted your baking earlier, which means we have no birthday cake for you. Fortunately, I have one waiting for us at Dairy Queen.” Neal chuckled, loving his husband for tricking him, for planning in advance to have a cake already bought for him just so he could distract Neal. He didn’t like that Neal wanted to bake a cake for his own birthday and Peter was afraid of fucking it up, so he managed to coerce Neal into lovemaking to get him to stop because he’d gone to Dairy Queen early enough to order a cake.

“You’re very sneaky,” Neal said as he laughed lightly. “And you’re such a bad influence for our son.”

“Says the man who takes money from my wallet that was in my pants pocket,” Peter countered, grinning. They finally stopped a few moments later and Neal could hear waves crashing against the shore. “Ready for my birthday present to you?” Neal nodded, smiling softly as he waited for his husband to remove the blindfold. “I’m sorry if it’s kinda lame, but…yeah.”

Tentatively, Peter untied the blindfold and moved it away from his husband’s face. When Neal opened his eyes, his lips parted.

Before him was the beach and water. Off to his right, he could see the beach house they’d been in for their honeymoon. A little ways away from the water, he could see a little blanket with a basket on it. Peter led him closer and they sat down on the blanket together. “Peter, this is perfect,” he whispered as he looked out at the water, watching the sunset. Beside him, Peter was very quiet, so Neal returned his gaze to the older man. Peter pulled out a bottle of wine and two glasses, handing one to Neal. “You look disappointed.”

“Nervous,” Peter said, smiling nervously. Neal raised an eyebrow, watching Peter. “I wasn’t sure if you’d actually like this. I feel like I could’ve done better than this.”

Neal scoffed, resting his free hand on Peter’s thigh as Peter opened the wine. “Teddy,” he whispered, rubbing his husband’s thigh, “I mean it when I say this is perfect.” He kissed Peter tenderly before allowing Peter to pour them a little bit of wine. Neal kept his eyes on Peter, watching his husband. He could see the nervousness in his husband’s gestures and movements, so he gently shoved Peter’s legs apart so he could crawl between them, leaning back against Peter’s chest.

Peter smiled, wrapping his right arm around Neal while he held his wine glass in his left. He kissed Neal’s hair, resting his cheek against the crown of Neal’s head. “Happy birthday, baby,” he whispered, fanning his fingers out over Neal’s stomach as they watched the sunset together. They sipped their wine and Neal looked up, smiling at his husband. “I love you very much and I hope today was decent,” he added quietly.

Neal rested his left hand over Peter’s closing his eyes, “I love you just as much, my big teddy,” he said softly. He nuzzled his face against Peter’s, whispering, “Today was perfect. I spent it with my babies and my teddy bear. I couldn’t ask for anything better than spending my birthday with the people I love more than anything.” Peter kept smiling as they kissed once more before focusing entirely on the sun that was setting over the water. He could honestly say that the sunset is a beautiful sight, but watching the sun shine on Neal’s face as he smiled… _That_ was the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen.


	51. Chapter 51

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More drama begins to unfold.

Neal watched his husband argue with Reese in Reese’s office. Kramer was becoming quite the nuisance in the bureau and Neal knew it was bad because he and Kramer had been very close in Peter’s early years with the FBI. Peter confided in Neal that Kramer is homophobic and was known to boot homosexual agents from the bureau regardless of the division they were working in. He didn’t allow it in art crimes and he wouldn’t allow it in White Collar apparently. The damn thing was, he’d be taking out three agents at the very least because of their sexuality. He, Peter, and Diana are the only openly gay agents in the bureau. Neal assumed there were probably others, but they weren’t open about it, so they wouldn’t get kicked out.

Peter had been pissed off Sunday night when he’d requested a report on Kramer’s dealings with the bureau since coming to New York. That had ultimately been denied _by_ Kramer since he ranks higher than Peter and Peter hadn’t expected Kramer to find and deny his request. Neal knew his own files were being looked over by Kramer and it unnerved him. If he weren’t a father taking care of three children, he might not give a damn about losing his job, but he needed to provide for his children as well as himself and his husband. If Neal were to lose his job now—with the possibility that Peter would lose his job as well—it would cause holy hell in their lives.

Kramer was in one of their back offices looking over Neal’s files, so Neal decided to hell with Peter’s request that he stay out of this. His files were being reviewed, so he deserved to know what the hell was going on. Lifting himself out of his chair, he strode through the bullpen and up the stairs, rounding it until he was finally pushing Reese’s door open. “Neal—” Peter said, surprised to see his husband.

Shutting the door, Neal met his husband’s gaze, asking, “Can you tell me what’s going on? Obviously you know something I don’t. You told Kramer yourself that there are no secrets between us.” Peter looked very hesitant and Neal was desperate to get himself involved. If he could help his husband with this issue, everything would be just fine again. If Peter kept him out of the loop, he’d find a way to wedge himself into it and that would probably cause more static between them. “Unless you don’t practice what you preach,” he whispered.

“He’s trying to either demote you or remove you from our division.” Neal’s lips parted and Peter continued. “He’s being a bastard, targeting you because of—because of…”

“Because of my rapes.”

Peter frowned, nodding. “I’m pushing this as an act of discrimination. He can’t do this to you and I refuse to allow him to get his way.” He searched Neal’s eyes, seeing the self-loathing emerging in his husband. “If you and I weren’t married, I would still be fighting for you. What happened wasn’t your fault. Rape isn’t a joke and it shouldn’t define you.” Neal lowered his gaze to the floor as he nodded. He felt sick, awful, and worthless all at once. “It doesn’t define you,” Peter said fiercely. “If anyone else in this division had been tortured the way you were, I wouldn’t allow this. Because you’re my husband, this matter is extremely personal now.”

Reese sighed heavily behind his desk, quietly saying, “Peter, I’m doing my best. I’m getting in contact with agents in higher places to make damn sure Neal doesn’t lose his job. He isn’t a liability and I’ve sent them Neal’s casework as well as his Quantico record.” Glancing at Neal for a moment, he added, “Your record at Quantico was outstanding considering your situation. You were a single father suffering through what can be considered PTSD, yet you pulled through and came out strong. You were the highest in your class, so you should be damn proud of yourself—just as Peter and I are.”

“I appreciate that, Reese,” Neal whispered.

“Peter’s right in saying that this is discrimination. He claims to be targeting your personal past, but, based on what Peter has told me this morning, I can guarantee that he’s doing it because of your sexuality and relationship with Peter.” Neal stared at Peter sadly, wishing he could rewrite his past. He never wanted it to follow him like this. With his luck, he assumed it was going to destroy him. “He and Peter had a strong, professional relationship and I believe he feels threatened by the fact that you’re young and very skilled—and that you’re Peter’s partner in all aspects.”

The younger man looked visibly miserable and Peter wasn’t going to stand for that. “He’s not going to hurt you, Neal. I promise you that.” He finally stepped closer to his husband, wrapping his arms around him. “You’re a victim,” he whispered. “That shouldn’t be held against you and I won’t let him do this to you.” Neal tentatively wrapped his own arms around Peter, burying his face in the crook of Peter’s neck. “I’ll take care of you, honey.”

There was a sudden knock on the door just before it opened and the couple only had time to barely separate themselves. Peter kept his hold on Neal, unwilling to let his lover go just yet. He needed Neal to believe him and trust him to settle the matter. “Agent Kramer would like a word with all of you,” Jones said, looking nervous. “He’s in the office adjacent from the interrogation room.”

Peter let go of Neal for a moment, but he gripped Neal’s left hand quickly, intertwining their fingers as he led Neal and Reese down to the office Kramer was using. He was trying to control his own fury, wishing Kramer would have stayed in DC. Regardless of the case that Kramer brought along with him, Peter didn’t want him here to stir up problems that weren’t supposed to be problematic anymore. He didn’t think it was any of Kramer’s business anyway. Neal’s personal life and his professional life were completely separate.

Upon walking into the back office, Reese shut the door, moving to stand at Peter’s side. “What is it, Kramer?” he asked, sounding like he had very little patience left.

“Agent Burke,” Kramer said coolly, staring up at Neal, “take a seat.” He gestured at the seat across from him and Neal glanced at Peter. Peter allowed Neal to take the seat, but he stood right behind Neal with his hand on Neal’s shoulder possessively. “It’s come to my attention that your past is very…unique when compared to our other agents.” Neal swallowed hard, nodding minutely. “Have you taken a physical test to make sure you’re up to par recently?”

“Six months ago,” Neal answered. “I passed.”

Kramer nodded, opening Neal’s personal file. Neal tensed and felt Peter’s grip on his shoulder tighten. “Your most recent encounter with rape was a year ago.” Neal nodded again. “Your medical record has several suicide attempts listed.”

Neal nodded for the third time. “I won’t deny that I’ve attempted suicide over the years. I’ve been a suicide risk for over twenty years, but my husband—”

“Will you deny that you’re mentally and emotionally unstable?”

Peter bristled at Kramer’s accusation as well as his definitive homophobic intentions since he’d cut Neal off midsentence. “I will admit that I’ve had mental and emotional problems over the years, but that doesn’t affect my work ethic.” He lifted his hand to rest his fingers atop Peter’s. “My husband has—”

Kramer once again interrupted Neal by saying, “Your instabilities—”

Neal kept going nonetheless because his patience was wearing thin as well. “—helped me through a great deal of things over the last several years. I’m a better agent because of my husband, _sir,_ and I wish you’d stop cutting me off every time I call him that.” Kramer stared at Neal blankly, trying to hide his desire to rid Peter of the man he seemed to love. The Peter Burke he knew wasn’t homosexual and he felt that Neal was using Peter the way Garrett had once told Kramer about when he’d been with Neal. “Peter is my husband and I am his. I understand that you’re homophobic, but you don’t work with us or within our division. If you remove me from the bureau because of my sexuality, I will not hesitate to sue you in court. This is an unfair form of discrimination that isn’t permitted in the workplace.”

“Perhaps you would be better within another division—like internal bank fraud for instance.”

All four agents in the room knew that that division was the Siberia of all assignments. Peter refused to send Neal there and he knew Reese wouldn’t approve either. “I’ll see you in court,” Neal whispered as he stood up, locking his gaze with Kramer’s. “I’d prefer to not waste your time and money, but if you insist on sending me elsewhere because of my relationship with Peter, I’ll take you for all that you have.”

“You have no proof that this is about your sexuality. I’ve claimed that you have several instabilities that don’t suit your current position.”

“Yet no one has said a word to me in all of the six years that I’ve worked in the bureau,” Neal snapped. “Peter knows you’re homophobic. He told me this and I’m in agreement with him. We both know you have some obsession with my husband and I’m getting in the way.” Kramer looked particularly flustered by Neal’s accusation, but he didn’t deny what Neal said nor did he attempt to correct him. “I’m not afraid to sue your ass, sir.”

Peter rested his hand on Neal’s hip, sensing something was wrong with his husband. Neal was extremely tense. Peter hadn’t seen him this tense in quite some time and he honestly didn’t know how to explain it. He knew that now wasn’t the time to pull Neal aside to ask him what was wrong either. Neal would think about it a little before he finally told Peter what was on his mind.

Reese ushered the couple out of the office and asked them to head back out to the bullpen so he and Kramer could chat alone. As soon as Neal and Peter were heading back, Reese shut the door. “Honey?” Peter asked concernedly as Neal’s jaw set firmly. “Hey,” he whispered, gently taking Neal’s hand in his. “Are you all right?”

“He’s a closet-man,” Neal snapped. “I can see it. I saw it in you shortly after meeting you and I can see it in him. He has an interest in you.” Peter gave him an incredulous look, thinking he hadn’t heard his husband correctly. “Peter, how close were you two when he was mentoring you?”

“Almost inseparable,” Peter whispered. The more thought he gave to this, the more he realized that his husband might just be right about Kramer. Kramer wasn’t hesitant to admit that he wished gay men would burn in the depths of hell, but it made so much sense to Peter. He himself hadn’t been homophobic at any point in his life, but he also accepted that he was a homosexual and accepted that he’d have to pretend to be a heterosexual. If Kramer hadn’t accepted that he’s gay and that he lives in a world where gay men and women are a little more accepted, it made sense that Kramer was resentful. “He must really hate himself and his sexuality if he’s targeting you.”

“I look like a typical fairy, so naturally he’d go after the more feminine, obviously gay man.”

Peter cringed, hating how bitter Neal sounded. “Don’t talk about yourself that way,” he pleaded. “I don’t think you look like a fairy or a woman.” Neal glared at Peter and Peter’s face heated up. “Yes, darling, you have feminine characteristics to your appearance, but you’re still a man. You’re not a woman, nor would I ever consider you one.” He rubbed Neal’s left side, whispering, “You’re my husband—not my wife. You’re a very beautiful man.”

Neal shook his head, muttering, “I’ve always been the woman in the relationship.”

“God damn it, Neal,” Peter snapped, startling his husband. “You’re my _husband_ and our children’s _father._ You’re Mozzie and Michael’s _brother_ and my father’s and James’ _son._ ” He gripped Neal’s hips, staring into the younger man’s eyes desperately. “You have always been a man, so don’t you dare think you’re anything else. You’re _my_ beautiful man.” Neal gave his husband a half smile, appreciating Peter’s words quite a bit. “Being gay isn’t about fulfilling the roles of a husband and wife. You and I—we’re both men. You’re my husband—I’m your husband. I don’t see ‘wife’ listed on our facebook pages. Last I checked, Neal was also a man’s name. The fact that we’re two men is simply the fact that _we’re two men._ ”

“Okay, okay,” Neal conceded, rolling his eyes. He tentatively initiated a hug with his husband, closing his eyes as he sighed against him. “You’ve made your point, Agent Burke,” he whispered. “Sorry for going off on you like that…”

Peter kissed Neal’s hair, quietly saying, “It’s my job to make sure you know who you are. You’re my Neal George.” He smiled softly as he whispered, “I always remind you of your manhood when we’re in bed together, so you better not forget that reminder, honey…”

•◊•

“Baby.” Neal stirred a bit as he heard a voice very close to him. “Honey, wake up.” He slowly opened his eyes and stared blearily up at his husband. “Hello, gorgeous. Why don’t you come up to bed with me?” Neal smiled weakly, nodding silently. Peter helped Neal up from the couch, whispering, “You fell asleep with the kids on the couch while you were watching _Finding Nemo._ Nicky went up to bed and I put the twins to sleep. Now it’s your turn.”

Neal nodded again, murmuring, “How long was I out?”

“About two hours. I let you and the twins sleep while I was on the phone.” He kissed Neal’s forehead, holding the younger man close to keep him upright. “Reese spoke to Kramer and Kramer seems like he’ll drop this bullshit act of his, which means you don’t have to testify against anybody in court.”

“Good,” Neal muttered. “I’m tired of court anyway.”

Peter smiled as he carefully led the sleepy man upstairs. His left arm was wrapped around Neal’s waist as he guided him, keeping him from either falling down or crashing into a nearby wall. “Do you want me to undress you or get you into comfortable clothes? I don’t want you going to sleep in your suit, baby.”

“Naked,” Neal whispered.

The older man nodded, unclipping Neal’s jacket before sliding it off of him. He unbuttoned Neal’s dress shirt and loosened his tie, removing both articles of clothing while Neal unbuckled his belt. Peter slid it through the loops of his pants and kissed Neal’s cheek sweetly. Everything was lying on their bed and Peter would put it all away once he’d gotten Neal situated. He helped the younger man remove his pants, kneeling in front of him. Neal sat on the bed, making things easier for Peter. “Lingerie on or off, my love?”

“Off.”

Peter pulled Neal’s shoes off and set them under the end of the bed, subsequently pulling his socks off before finally dragging Neal’s pants down. “Lift yourself up for a second, angel,” he whispered. Neal did and Peter was able to pull Neal’s lingerie down, completely undressing his husband. “Okay, sweetheart. Let’s get you under the blanket.” Neal nodded, allowing Peter to guide him along. He was really exhausted and he didn’t know why, so he was allowing Peter to move him around.

Lifting the blanket, Peter helped Neal lie down on their bed. He covered him up and kissed his hair before moving to put Neal’s clothing away. When he finally crawled into bed with his husband, he was also completely undressed. Tentatively, he pulled Neal close and Neal smiled a bit as he rested his head on Peter’s chest, draping his arm over Peter’s midsection. “So warm,” he whispered.

Chuckling, Peter stroked Neal’s hair. “I love you, baby. I’ll keep you warm, so get some sleep.” Neal nodded, rubbing his thumb over Peter’s skin for a few moments. He was very tired and that was his silent way of letting Peter know that he loves him, too.

By the time morning rolled around, Neal wanted to shower and he didn’t want to wake Peter up just yet. Peter was stressed out, so Neal decided that he’d let him sleep in a bit. He knew the kids were still asleep, so he wandered out into the hallway and went into the bathroom without worrying about getting dressed for all of five seconds. He shut the door, but didn’t lock it. Peter was bound to wake up sooner or later once he realized Neal wasn’t in bed with him, so he anticipated on a little bit of shower-loving. It was only about six in the morning and he usually stayed in for about twenty minutes before Peter woke up to join him and then they spent another fifteen to twenty minutes making love.

Twenty minutes later, the door opened just as he predicted it would. He smirked and proceeded to stroke himself a bit. Usually, Peter would’ve joined him already, so he wondered why his husband wasn’t coming in. Deciding to be a bit provocative, he whispered, “I had such a wonderful dream about you last night.” He grinned as he added, “I think we could definitely reenact it if you feel like being my naughty boy this early in the morning.”

He was waiting for a response and his brows furrowed until he heard, “Um, that’s great, dad…”

He made a surprised, embarrassed sound as he shifted the shower curtain a bit. He was staring at his son who looked very amused. “I am _so_ sorry,” he whispered, sincerely apologetic for saying that to his son.

“You haven’t let me shower with you since I was, like, three.” He shrugged, teasing his father. “Make some room, daddy.”

“Smartass,” Neal said, chuckling. “I’m not used to you being up just yet. I honestly thought you were poppa.”

Nicky grinned, giggling a bit. “Well, I definitely hoped you thought I was poppa.” Neal raised an eyebrow and Nicky giggled again. “I love you, but not that much, dad.”

Neal pulled the showerhead off of the wall and quickly sprayed his son, making him laugh loudly. “You’re a little smartass this morning,” Neal said as he laughed as well. Nicky giggled and grabbed the shower curtain, shoving it around his dad as he jumped into the shower with him. He at least had the decency to cover his father up before he started tickling him.

They were both soaking wet and Neal’s back was against the shelf full of soaps and shampoos as he messed with Nicky. “The hell are you two doing?” Peter asked as he finally came in. He raised an eyebrow as he looked at the two in the shower. “Do I want to know?”

“Daddy—”

“—said something you won’t repeat, little one.”

Peter was curious now, wondering what Neal said to their son. Nicky grinned up at Neal before jumping out of the shower. He hugged his hardly dressed poppa, getting him all wet. “He wants you to be his naughty boy,” Nicky said, giggling as Peter stroked his hair.

“Nicolas!”

The older man laughed, shaking his head. He reached towards the cabinet, pulling it open to grab a towel for their son. “Okay, buddy. Go dry off. I’ll scold your father for acting so inappropriately.” He glanced at his husband, seeing how red his face was. Nicky started snickering as he left with the towel. “Feeling naughty this morning, are we?”

“Oh, just get your ass in here with me.”

Peter grinned, removing his briefs before joining his husband, fixing the curtain to give them more privacy. “Do you realize how embarrassed and happy you look right now?” Neal rolled his eyes and Peter kissed him. Peter fixed the showerhead and wrapped his arms around Neal’s waist, holding him close. “I like seeing you like this.”

Neal mouthed Peter’s neck, moaning quietly. “I know how else you like seeing me.”

“Pft. No beating around the bush with you this morning, I suppose.” Neal nodded, wrapping his arms around Peter’s neck. “Okay, baby.” He grabbed Neal’s legs and pulled him up, wrapping Neal’s legs around his waist while he supported his husband’s weight. “Quick or slow?”

“Whatever we have time for. I just want you.”

Peter nodded. As he made love to his husband against the shower wall, he could see exactly how honest Nicky had been in saying that he should try to keep Neal quiet. Neal moaned quite a bit and it was actually Peter’s fault that Neal was knocking things over. He moved Neal around plenty. Either way, he loved being with his husband this way. He and Neal just needed to learn a bit of finesse when they’re trying to be intimate outside of their bedroom.

When he and Neal were heading into their room to get dressed, Peter decided to mess around a little more. He shut their door and whipped his towel off, promptly smacking Neal’s ass with it. Neal yelped, turning to look at his husband. “You’re beautiful.”

“Oh, you’re asking for it, Burke,” Neal muttered.

“If you’re offering…”

Neal smirked and shook his head, allowing his towel to drop to the floor. “If you think you can go for round two,” he said, trying to sound sexy as he grinned over his shoulder at his husband. Just as Peter was about to throw Neal down onto their bed so he could crawl on top of him to make love to him again, Nicky knocked on their door.

“Are you guys dressed yet?”

“Hang on, buddy,” Peter called out. He settled for getting Neal onto his side on the bed, massaging Neal’s ass while staring at him with a soft smile on his face. “We’ve been pretty crazy this morning and it’s just after seven.” Peter leaned over his husband’s lower half and pressed gentle kisses up his hip and side until he reached Neal’s left nipple, then he teased it with his tongue.

Neal’s excitement was very obvious since they’d thrown their towel’s aside and Peter wasn’t hiding his erection at all. “I think your tongue could give me an orgasm,” Neal murmured. Peter grinned, gently nipping at Neal’s nipple. “Peter Michael….” He moaned, throwing his head back.

Both men felt very sexual this morning and Peter liked this side of Neal. After everything Neal’s been through, this was…surprising. His husband is a very passionate man and Peter loved bringing that out in him. He liked that Neal was soft, fierce, and masculine all at once. “You’re such a sexy man,” Peter whispered huskily, sliding his tongue over Neal’s chest. Neal’s back arched off of the bed as he sighed contentedly. “Unfortunately, my sexy man, we have to get the kid to school soon—then you and I have to go to work.”

“Ugh. Don’t even talk about work,” Neal muttered.

They dressed themselves in their suits and went out to find their son waiting in the hallway. “Can I talk to you guys?”

Neal immediately answered, “Of course.”

“Why is Rebecca staying with us? She’s been here for a while and I thought poppa was going to kick her out.” Peter’s demeanor immediately changed, becoming defensive and possessive simultaneously. He wasn’t going to allow Rebecca to hurt his son or his husband. They’d been hurt enough. He didn’t want Rebecca scaring their son—or flirting with Neal. “She hasn’t said anything to me,” Nicky insisted. “I just want to know why you’re letting her live with us.”

Peter glanced at the younger man, raising an eyebrow. He wanted Neal to answer that as well. “She needed a place to stay until she can get back on her feet,” Neal muttered. He looked away from his son and husband, adding, “I know how it feels to have nothing,” under his breath. “She won’t be here much longer, guys. She’s trying to save up money to pay for her bills that have been piling up for a while.” Finally glancing at his husband again, he made sure he clarified the situation by stating, “She’s not taking money from us. She can’t hack into our bank account—thank God for the fact that we made all of our information completely random. She _is_ working and saving money. Once she’s able to pay back her debts and such, she’ll be on her way again.”

“You realize that _our_ bills are going to go up, don’t you?” Neal frowned. “The five of us plus Mozzie’s occasional visits are costly. The electric and water bill has gone up significantly since Rebecca came to live with us and I don’t know how you intend on paying for that if her stay ends up being longer than you anticipated.” Neal started to give him an answer, but Peter began to rant. “You know all she wants is you. You’ve been her fixation since the day she met you. Now she’s fucking with our bills, which we really can’t afford to have go up considering we have three children to raise.” He gestured at Nicky as he snapped, “You put your children before all else yet you’re letting Rebecca raise our bills? Neal, have you even looked at the bills online lately?”

“Yes,” Neal muttered. “I’m paying for them on time, Peter.”

“How in the hell are you doing that?”

Neal’s jaw set firmly as he said, “My stepfather’s money.” There was an air of silence then. Peter knew that was how Neal had gotten them their new home, but he didn’t know Neal was still using it to pay off bills and such. He assumed Neal was saving it. “He set aside money for me and Mike in his will. I put that money into our account, Peter, so it isn’t like I have an account solely for myself. I’m not selfish. I’m spending the money on my family.”

Peter shook his head, sighing as he said, “We wouldn’t be paying almost double what we paid before if you hadn’t allowed our houseguest to abuse all of our water and electrics.”

“How are you pinning this on me?” Neal asked incredulously. “I’m paying for the God damn bills, so I don’t know why you’re making such a big deal out of this. I’m not using money you’ve earned. This is money I was given. The man who raped me when I was thirteen set aside a God damn boatload of money for me surprisingly and I want nothing to do with that son of a bitch, so I’m spending it wisely.” Peter began to argue that Neal wasn’t spending it wisely because they could be spending that money on important things—things that didn’t revolve around Rebecca.

A full blown argument came out of this discussion and Nicky stared in horror at his fathers as it went back and forth. He didn’t know what to say to get them to stop yelling at each other because he really didn’t understand what the problem was. His dad had a lot of money and was paying the cost of living for all of them, so he wasn’t spending it selfishly. He didn’t understand why his poppa was so upset with his dad.

“The only thing I ever see that whore doing around here is lazing around on our couch or in our basement. She’s eating our food, using our shower, and using our electronics.” Neal stiffened in front of Peter. Both of their faces were a little redder than they had been before and Neal was tired of arguing with his husband, but Peter kept going. “You know damn well that she’s preying on you because you’re vulnerable. You were on your own when you were sixteen and she’s playing to your weakness.”

“Now you’re calling me weak? What happened to all that bullshit about me being a strong man?”

Peter snapped, “You were strong before you allowed a whore to live under our roof—a whore who wants to fuck you by the way, regardless of the fact that you have a husband and three children.” He looked exasperated as he added, “She’s using you, Neal, and I fucking told you this. She hasn’t once offered to pay for a God damn thing. Hell, I swear she had some random man in our basement the other night. It sure as hell sounded like someone was fucking down there. That damn whore—”

Neal walked away and Peter grabbed his wrist roughly, forcing Neal to come closer. Neal stared up at his husband with a slight amount of fear in his eyes. Nicky was afraid to interfere. Peter looked really pissed off and Neal wasn’t too far off from mirroring Peter’s expression. “Stop calling her a whore,” Neal whispered.

“You know she’s a whore, Neal. Don’t pretend that you don’t.”

“Why do you say that?” he asked as he wrenched his wrist out of Peter’s grip, glaring at his husband. “Whores know other whores? Is that what you’re implying? You’re implying that I’m a whore and I should be able to see that she’s a whore because I’m one?”

Peter looked at him incredulously, yelling, “Where in the name of God did you get _that_ bullshit from?”

Tears welled up in Neal’s eyes as he lashed out at his husband verbally. The morning started off wonderfully and he’d been extremely happy. Things went to hell very quickly and he didn’t even know how. Nicky asked a simple question and Peter proceeded to turn on Neal, putting all of the blame on him. He was tired of hearing Peter judge Rebecca. He and Rebecca shared a similar experience that they were able to speak to each other about at times. They rarely touched upon their rapes together outside of the support group they were both involved in, but they did reach out to each other occasionally since they knew the other would understand their situation.

“I’m done. Fuck you, Peter,” Neal said miserably. Peter silenced himself immediately, fearing that he’d just ruined their marriage. He hadn’t meant to imply that Neal was a whore and he still didn’t know how Neal had gotten that from anything he’d said. “Just stay the fuck away from me for a little while,” he said as he began to cry. Peter tried to reach out for him, but Neal spun and darted down the stairway quickly, wanting to be alone before they all had to get ready for school and work.

Peter stared at the wall blankly and Nicky bit his lip as he watched Peter. “Poppa?” he whispered. Peter snapped out of his daze, glancing at his son. “You and dad will be okay, right?”

“Eventually,” Peter whispered. “We’ll talk about this later—when it’s just us.” He sighed heavily, stroking Nicky’s hair. “I’m sorry. That fight was my fault. I should’ve just shut up.”

Tentatively, Nicky asked, “Were you calling dad a whore?” Peter shook his head sorrowfully. “Why did he think that you were?”

Peter sighed again and pulled Nicky close, hugging him gently. “Dad’s past is complicated. His past relationships have clashed with our marriage at times and he regrets a lot of things he did before he met me,” he whispered. “Don’t worry, okay? I don’t think dad’s a whore. I’ll fix this.”

“You better,” Nicky whispered against Peter’s chest.

“I will, my little buddy.” He kissed Nicky’s hair, closing his eyes. “I’ll apologize for being an idiot.”

Mozzie came over and the Burkes headed out a short while later. Nicky kissed his fathers goodbye and darted over to where Trent was waiting for him, but he worried about his fathers. He asked Peter to text him when things were okay between the two of them again and Peter promised Nicky would be the first to know.

Silence loomed over the couple as Peter drove them to the bureau. He hated arguing with Neal and he blamed himself for starting it. If he’d spoken calmly and rationally, he wouldn’t have sounded judgmental in his husband’s mind. “I love you,” Neal whispered unprecedentedly. Peter glanced over at him for a moment, wondering how the hell Neal had gone from being severely pissed off to admitting that he loves Peter. “You really pissed me off, but… I know I was wrong. I made the wrong assumption and I know you’re trying to look out for our family…”

“I made it sound like I was judging you,” Peter said quietly. “You know I’m not that kind of man with you, Neal.” He reached over to take Neal’s hand in his, intertwining their fingers. He was grateful to have Neal return the gesture. “You’re not a whore nor have I ever believed you were one. I won’t judge your past that way. I have no right to.” Neal glanced at his husband, looking slightly afraid of the older man, like he was afraid to start another argument. “I can’t possibly know how you felt, so I have no right to spew things that aren’t true. Your way of coping and defending yourself is different from mine, but you’ve never judged me and I’ll never judge you.” As soon as they reached a red light, Peter lifted Neal’s hand and kissed his knuckles, whispering, “I love you, baby. I’m sorry for saying what I did and I’m extremely sorry for implying that you’re… _that._ ”

“Rebecca will go home soon, I hope, and Kramer will hopefully return to DC soon as well.” He rubbed his thumb over Peter’s skin, smiling weakly as he said, “Things will be okay, teddy. You and me—we’re a team. You’ve never left me for any of the stupid ass things I’ve said and I promise you that I’m not going to leave you when you say ridiculous things either.” Quietly, he added, “Besides, I know you well enough by now to know that you weren’t calling me a whore. If you honestly thought I was a whore, we wouldn’t be together.”

Peter sighed contentedly, softly whispering, “You’re no whore. You’re my husband. I’ve told you repeatedly that you’re everything—my best friend, soulmate, et cetera.” Neal nodded, chuckling quietly. He considered Peter his best friend and his soulmate as well—among other things. “Neal, you’re an angel. I don’t want to lose you because of something stupid I’ve said.”

It was Neal’s turn to lift his husband’s hand, kissing his knuckles. “I never had a teddy bear when I was growing up,” he admitted. Pressing his lips against his husband’s hand, he smiled a bit. “I’ve been fortunate to have a life-sized teddy for the last six years, so I don’t intend on losing it now—or ever, for that matter.”

Upon pulling into their usual parking spot, Peter leaned over to kiss the younger man sweetly, whispering, “I’ll always be your teddy bear. You’ll never have to worry about losing me, baby. I like being your teddy as much as I love being your husband and our children’s poppa.” He pecked Neal’s lips once more, smiling softly at the younger man. “No matter what I do or say and no matter how stupid I can be, I’d never give this life up. The life I have with you—regardless of who fucks it up, i.e. Rebecca and Kramer—is special and I’m lucky to have this bond with you.” Neal smiled, appreciating how sweet his husband was. This was them though. They weren’t the two men who argued this morning. Those two men were someone else entirely. _This,_ this sweetness and romance was who they were and they both knew how lucky they were to have that, knowing it would never end.


	52. Chapter 52

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal comforts Peter; Neal finally faces his fear of confronting two of his loved ones.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is mention of a non-explicit sex scene between a minor and adult in this chapter. (Past Neal/Vincent encounter.)

“Does your husband know we’re doing this?”

Neal glared at Mozzie, muttering, “Since when does it matter? This is a covert operation, which means _you and me._ ”

Mozzie raised an eyebrow. “The last time I recall undergoing a bit of surveillance with you, I believe was before you met the Suit.” Neal nodded, believing Mozzie was right. The last time they’d done surveillance on someone, it was a means of scamming some cash and food out of their mark. Mozzie taught Neal how to do it and Neal was able to accomplish that task. “What, pray tell, is the reasoning for this?”

“I want to see what he’s up to.”

“And who is he?” Mozzie asked curiously, watching Neal glance around the corner of a building to look at the people walking along the sidewalk.

“Another fed,” Neal admitted. “I think he has a thing for Peter and he’s still trying to fuck me over.”

Mozzie nodded in understanding. “That agent from DC?” Neal nodded, slipping out from the alley he and Mozzie had been hiding in. Neal walked with his hands in his pockets, his head down a bit. Neal was wearing his leather jacket and beat-up jeans with sunglasses while Mozzie was dressed in his usual and casual manner. Neal was the one trying to hide from Kramer. “You know the Suit’s going to get one of those government issued tracking anklets for you if you keep doing things like this…”

Neal scoffed. “I’d have it on for all of five minutes—if that. I can probably get out of the anklet very quickly because I know my husband.” Mozzie chuckled, shaking his head. “Besides, Peter probably wouldn’t have a problem with this.”

They followed Kramer to a coffee shop. Upon walking in, Mozzie and Neal grabbed a table near the door. Kramer was ordering at the counter and Neal was watching him like a hawk. “I think you’re more jealous of him than you were of Bruce when I first mentioned him to you prior to your official matrimony to your Suit.”

“When I met Bruce, I knew he didn’t have feelings for Peter,” Neal muttered. “I trust my husband. It’s other men I don’t trust—especially Kramer. That bastard is like a snake. Son of a bitch brought up my past and acted like it was all my fault, like I deserved to be raped since I’m gay and he acted like it was okay to be discriminated against because of my sexuality and my relationship with Peter.”

Mozzie reached out and grabbed Neal’s hand gently. “Like the Suit has told you in the past, you’re a victim, Neal. You—”

Neal shook his head, whispering, “I’m tired of being looked at like a victim. I like being called a survivor—not a victim. ‘Victim’ makes me feel like I did something to provoke them.” Mozzie nodded solemnly, wishing his best friend hadn’t become a victim or a survivor of anything so devastating and traumatic. “Peter calls me either or, but I’m tired of being the victim. They’re dead and I’m still alive. I’ve survived.”

“Neal, I didn’t mean to offend you…”

“Don’t worry about it,” Neal said, sounding frustrated. Of course, his phone went off in that moment. Groaning, he pulled it out of his jeans pocket and whispered, “Fuck.” He lifted the phone upon answering it, saying, “Hey, babe. What’s up?”

“ _Nothing really. I’m just wondering where you are. You and Mozzie have been out for a while and I’m starting to miss you…_ ”

Neal smiled a bit. “I’ll be home soon, my love. I miss you, too.” Neal bit his lip for a moment before asking, “How’re the kids acting for you?”

Peter chuckled, sounding nervous or uncomfortable. Neal’s brows furrowed because he didn’t understand. Peter had been on his own with the kids before, so Neal wondered why Peter wasn’t more confident in his abilities. “ _They’re fine._ ”

“What’s wrong?”

“ _I want to talk to you when you get home, okay?_ ”

That sounded very ominous and made Neal’s gut twist. “Yeah. Sure, Peter.” Peter was quiet on the other end and Neal was trying to figure out why. He couldn’t think of any reasons for Peter to be acting this way. Kramer was laying off for the moment, so Peter didn’t have to worry about that just yet. “Are _you_ okay?”

“ _I’ve…been thinking about what we talked about last night…_ ”

Now _that_ made more sense to Neal and he was able to understand what the problem was now. “Teddy, it’s okay,” he said softly. “I’m sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable. I—”

Peter was quick to interject, “ _You didn’t make me uncomfortable. It wasn’t that, hon. I just…really wish I could have helped you sooner rather than later._ ”

Neal smiled sadly, nodding. “I know, babe, but you also know I’m eternally grateful for my guardian angel—for my big teddy bear.” Mozzie gave him a perplexed look and Neal waved him off. Sometimes, Mozzie didn’t know how Neal could be so cute and romantic. He, for one, didn’t think he’d be either of those two if he’d endured rape as much as Neal had. He also didn’t think he’d ever find a relationship quite like Neal had because he wouldn’t have wanted to be around anyone else who had the potential to use and abuse him the way Neal had been. “I love you very much and I’m always thanking God for giving you to me when He did.”

“ _You know how religious I am,_ ” Peter said, teasing his husband to lighten the mood. “ _I’ve thanked him for protecting you as he has. Granted, he didn’t protect you as much as you deserved to be protected, but he kept you alive._ ” There was a pause and Neal sensed the sadness in his husband’s voice as he spoke again. “ _I know you probably—definitely had moments when you wished they would have killed you instead of playing with you, but I’m very fortunate to have you in my life. After everything you’ve been through, I can’t even begin to imagine how much you wished they’d ended your life instead of prolonging your torture…_ ”

The younger man heard his husband sniffle and a pang of guilt hit him. “Oh, Peter…” he whispered. He knew Peter was crying and that obviously meant Peter had put the twins down for their afternoon nap, so Peter must be in his and Neal’s bedroom alone. He and Peter spoke about Neal’s past and Neal opened up quite a bit when they briefly touched upon his rapes. Peter hadn’t been told everything right away and he never forced Neal to reveal everything because he knew Neal needed time to recover in more ways than one. As soon as Neal felt comfortable to do so and it became a convenient part of the conversation because of a question Peter asked him, he knew it was time to tell Peter a little more. “Babe, I’m heading home now. I’ll be home—fifteen minutes tops.”

Peter sounded miserable as he said, “ _Okay, baby. I love you. I’ll see you in a few._ ”

When they hung up, Mozzie gave Neal a concerned, confused look. “He’s a little…emotional right now.” Mozzie looked absolutely taken aback by that because Peter was so good at holding back his dam of emotions. Mozzie had only seen Peter crack a handful of times before, so he thought Peter was almost immune to everything. “He’ll be all right. I just said a few things to him last night that he didn’t like hearing about.” The older man understood now. He didn’t question it further as they finally headed out. Kramer be damned, Peter needed Neal and Neal would be there for the man who’d always been there for him in his time of need and then some.

As soon as he’d gotten home, Peter was opening the door for him before he’d even managed to pull his key out. Peter pulled him into the house, hugging him tightly as he shut the front door and locked it. “I’m so glad you’re home,” he whispered as he kissed Neal’s hair.

Neal smiled, kissing his husband’s neck as he squeezed Peter. “You know I’ll always come home to you, teddy.” Peter’s chest heaved against Neal’s and Neal hushed him gently as he did whenever the twins or Nicky cried. Moments like this made him love Peter more because Peter allowed himself to become vulnerable. Peter trusts him a great deal if he allowed his walls to crumble around him. “Come upstairs with me?”

Peter nodded, backing away. He took Neal’s hand in his, locked the front door, and led his husband up to their bedroom. “I thought about a lot of things while you were gone,” he said quietly after shutting their door. Neal gently led Peter to their bed and sat down on it with him. “Neal, you… You told me what Vincent did to you,” he whispered, shutting his eyes tightly. “I can just imagine how frightened you looked and it makes me feel sick, thinking about how he just…”

“I remember most of the times he took me away from home,” Neal said. He intertwined his and Peter’s fingers, hoping he was comforting his husband at least a little bit. “You asked me why he was so cruel to me and I…told you a little more than I probably should have.” Peter shook his head, scooting closer to Neal. Neal wrapped an arm around Peter, holding him close while Peter’s free hand rested on Neal’s hip. “He was brutal to start, but I told you that he never really wanted to hurt me. After he raped me the first time, it never hurt that much again unless he was in a bad mood.”

“You were only thirteen for fuck’s sake,” Peter hissed as tears slid down his cheeks slowly.

Neal nodded, whispering, “I can’t explain why he wanted to have sex with me. I don’t want teenage boys… He, like you have told me, found my weakness and exploited it.” Peter breathed heavily, wishing he could have done something for Neal. He’d only been about seventeen himself when Neal was raped for the first time, but he would have done something if he’d been closer to Neal. He hated how far they’d been from each other because there was no way in hell that he could’ve helped Neal. Neal slid his left hand back and flipped it so his wrist was exposed to Peter. “I never told you about this scar,” he whispered, kissing Peter’s forehead.

“You don’t have to tell me anything,” Peter insisted. “I don’t want to hurt you, honey.”

“I honestly should have told you a long time ago. You’re my husband and I know damn well that everything I tell you will stay between us.” Peter’s right hand lifted and he traced the scar on the underside of Neal’s wrist. It was very close to his veins. A little closer and Neal might have died. “This was from the first time I fought back.” Peter wished he didn’t have to look at it. He loves his husband so much and didn’t think any of his scars were deserved. “I think it was a month after everything started. He came home from wherever he’d been and he was frustrated. He came into my bedroom when I was trying to do homework and…” Neal could remember the exact moment as he was speaking about it.

He remembered how frustrated he’d been while trying to work on his math homework. He couldn’t concentrate because of the fact that his stepfather had been raping him and he didn’t know what to do. Teachers and other kids at school weren’t trustworthy enough in his opinion at the time, so he didn’t tell anyone. He kept absolutely quiet because he was scared.

Vincent came into his bedroom and scared him, grabbing his backpack and books, throwing them aside. Neal tried to get away, but Vincent had been attempting to throw other items around at the time. He’d taken Neal’s scissors off of the nightstand and threatened Neal with his mother’s life. Neal still tried to run away and Vincent accidentally cut Neal’s wrist while trying to restrain him. Eventually, Neal had given up and Vincent dropped the scissors. He hadn’t cared that Neal had been bleeding at the time because that wasn’t the worst that could’ve happened to Neal. That afternoon was the first time Vincent raped him brutally, spitting cruel words at him while blaming him for everything.

“This is all you’re good for,” Vincent sneered at him as he slammed into Neal’s body repeatedly with one hand covering Neal’s mouth to stifle his cries. “You don’t need an education, you stupid bitch. All you need to know is how to lie on your back and take it.” Neal remembered screaming, crying, and struggling. He also remembered how he hadn’t been successful. Vincent slipped out of him long enough to shove Neal down to the floor from the bed. Neal, at the time, had been on his stomach and Vincent pinned his wrists above his head with one hand while resuming the rape.

Neal could feel that pain all over again. He remembered screaming for help even though he knew his mother hadn’t been home. She left him home alone while she went to get groceries and he’d felt safe at the time because she told him that Vincent wouldn’t be home until later. To this day, he still didn’t know if she’d lied to him or not. After learning everything about her during that period in his life, he wondered if she knew that Vincent was coming home. He wondered if she left because she didn’t want to hear him scream.

His body reacted as though it were experiencing that pain again. His legs and back ached, his ass felt like it was on fire, his wrists hurt, and his chest felt like a large weight was compressing him. Tears pricked at his eyes and his throat felt hoarse and his scalp ached in a way that he always hated. Vincent had been pulling his hair at the time and Neal remembered seeing some of his hair on the floor after Vincent left him in his room.

That had been the most horrifying moment in his life at the time. He knew he didn’t do anything to warrant such behavior from his stepfather now, but he hadn’t understood when he was thirteen. He believed Vincent when Vincent told him that he was such a burden, a nuisance in life, and he believed Vincent when he’d been told that he was a whore—that his face and body were the only reasons Vincent kept him around. Otherwise, he said he would have thrown Neal out to fend for himself.

“Honey. Baby.” Neal heard the desperation in a voice he loved so dearly and he immediately snapped out of his nightmare, staring into the concerned eyes of his husband. “Holy shit. Neal, are you okay?” His hands were caressing Neal’s face and his eyes searched Neal’s. “Baby, talk to me. _Please._ ” Neal blinked a few times, realizing that he’d been crying. He lifted his left hand to wipe his tears away and Peter gently batted his hand away, taking the liberty of wiping Neal’s tears away himself. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to throw you back into that nightmare. I’m so sorry…”

“I’m all right,” he said, sounding anything but all right.

Peter leaned closer, kissing his forehead, his nose, and the corner of his mouth. “I’m so sorry, baby boy,” he whispered. “I never meant to hurt you.”

Neal forced a smile and scooted closer to his husband, wrapping his arms around him again. He rested his head on Peter’s shoulder and said, “I’m okay, teddy. Like I’ve said before, you always save me from my past.” Peter held onto him like he actually felt responsible for Neal’s flashback. Neal didn’t blame Peter at all. In fact, he found himself more concerned about whether or not he’d gone into hysterics when he’d been unaware. He’s reacted physically to his flashbacks before, but it didn’t seem like he had this time and he was very fortunate. The last thing he wanted to do was struggle against Peter and make Peter feel worse. “Peter, I’m safest when I’m in your arms.”

“You’re trembling,” Peter whispered. Neal knew he was and he wasn’t ashamed of that either. He wouldn’t lie and pretend he wasn’t afraid. Even knowing that Vincent and Craig both were dead, he was still frightened by his past. “I’m so—”

“Say sorry one more time and I’ll smack you,” Neal muttered. Peter frowned, burying his face into the crook of Neal’s neck. “It wasn’t your fault. It’s not like you could’ve stopped it from coming back, Peter. You know I’ve had my moments when I’m perfectly calm and content and then I think about something horrible and lose it for a few moments.” It hadn’t been happening much lately, but he also tried very hard to keep himself under control. “I can’t forget what they did to me.”

“I can never force you to forget it,” Peter whispered miserably.

Neal knew his husband would never do anything forcibly. He’d try to distract Neal, but he knew Neal could never forget how he’d been raped. Peter couldn’t erase that part of his life no matter how hard he tried and he’d tried very hard. “It’s part of who I am,” Neal said softly. “And, honestly, it’s part of the reason you and I are together.” Peter made a choked sound and Neal knew he was going to breakdown. “If I hadn’t been raped, I don’t know if I would have come here or if I’d have gone down the path I’ve gone down. If I hadn’t been raped, I don’t know if you and I would have fallen in love. I don’t know if I’d have my son, you, or our twins. I don’t know where I would be right now.” Peter kissed Neal’s neck and Neal felt his warm tears. “He raped me and I ran away. I ran and I realize now that I was slowly running to you all this time. You and I are soulmates, Peter, and I’m… I’m thankful for the fact that I was raped if only because it brought me to you. Under normal circumstances, you and I may not be what we are right now.”

“I would have found you,” Peter insisted, squeezing his husband. “We’d be together either way. You’re all I’ve ever wanted and needed in life.” Neal smiled sadly, shutting his eyes as he let his husband fall to pieces. “I can’t fucking imagine how miserable I would be if we weren’t married. If I hadn’t fallen in love with you, I would never have what you’ve given me—happiness, family, and unconditional love.”

“Don’t worry, my love,” Neal said quietly. “You have me and I’m all yours—forever and always, Peter Michael Burke.”

•◊•

Neal bit his lip as he sat with his laptop in his lap on his bed. The kids were all asleep, as was Peter. Since coming home, he’d been dreading speaking to Peter’s parents. He hadn’t meant to avoid them, but he was afraid to talk to them. Now he was staring at his Skype page, seeing that Jon was online. He’d gotten several emails from both Hannah and Jon, which he hadn’t replied to because he was afraid of the confrontation. He loves them both dearly and he didn’t want them to yell at him for betraying their son. He’d finally begun to forgive himself thanks to Peter. He couldn’t avoid Peter’s parents forever and Peter was asleep at the moment…

Sliding the laptop off of his lap, he scooted out of bed. He pulled his lingerie and robe on without bothering to pull his sleep pants on. He grabbed the laptop and left his bedroom, heading downstairs. In the darkness, he found the light on the little stand beside the couch and turned it on and then he plopped down onto the couch. He was very nervous, but he figured now was the best time to speak to Jon. Jon deserved an explanation and Neal assumed Peter hadn’t explained much to them.

Tentatively, he initiated a Skype call to Jon. He shut his eyes as fear gripped him. Jon has been wonderful to him since the day they’d met. He couldn’t imagine living his life with Jon hating him. “ _Neal?_ ” Neal opened his eyes and realized he was crying now. “ _Son, is that you? Your end is kind of dark._ ”

“It’s me,” he said hoarsely as tears slid down his cheeks. “Jon, I’m so sorry for everything. I-I…”

“ _Neal. Son, it’s okay. Relax._ ” Neal leaned forward and held his forehead in his hand as he sobbed. He hadn’t felt emotional at all until he was finally making the Skype call. “ _Where’s Peter?_ ”

Neal rubbed his eyes and his throat ached all of a sudden. “Sleeping.”

The younger man looked at the man he considered a father and didn’t see hatred in his eyes like he’d been expecting. If anything, Jon looked worried and sympathetic. “ _Baby boy, everything’s okay. Did you have a reason to call? If Peter’s asleep and you’re upset about something, you can always talk to me. I’m more than happy to listen to you._ ”

“Dad,” Neal whispered sadly. “I am so sorry for everything I put you, mom, and Peter through.” He rubbed his eyes and face while staring at the laptop screen. “I know you were there for Peter when I faked my death. You were with him when the doctors confirmed that I was dead.”

Jon hushed him gently as though he were hushing a wailing infant. “ _Son, take a breather._ ” Neal did, inhaling and exhaling deeply for a few moments. “ _Okay, my boy. I want you to listen and to listen well. Do you understand me?_ ” Neal nodded, wiping his face off again. “ _Peter told me why you faked your death and I understand as well. Baby, I’m a police officer—formerly anyway._ ” Neal thought it was kind of funny to hear Jon call him ‘baby’ like Peter did. “ _You’re an FBI agent, so I’d imagine you were in the same frame of mind that I would have been in. If my family were threatened the way yours was, I may have faked my death to protect them. I know you well enough by now to know you weren’t doing it to hurt Peter or your children._ ”

“Jon—”

“ _I love you, dearly, Neal. Like my son, nothing you do will make me love you less or not at all._ Jon gave him a small smile. “ _You’re a good man and you were protecting the ones you love. You live with my son and you know he loves you every time he looks at you. When I’ve been with you two, even I can see how much he loves you._ ” He put his hand on his chest over his heart and whispered, “ _Love comes straight from here, Neal. Peter’s heart is tremendous and all of his love belongs to you and your children. I love you as much as he loves you. Neal, I would do anything for you if you asked it of me._ ”

Neal knew that very well. Jon was always right there when he needed him. Whether it be through the phone, email, Skype, or in person, he was always there if Neal needed him. “You don’t know what that means to me,” Neal said so quietly that Jon almost hadn’t heard him. “Before Peter, I never had a family like what you’ve all given me. I had my baby and Moz and I loved them more than anything. I know they loved—and still love—me, but I never had love like the love Peter’s given me, like the love you and mom have given me.”

Jon nodded, lowering his hand as he smiled at his son-in-law. “ _Considering everything you’ve been put through, you deserve all of that love, son. I’m proud of my son because he loves you more than his own life. He loves you and he’s dedicated to you. I know he’s the one you turn to when you need help and that’s a beautiful relationship when you know you can trust your partner._ ” Neal’s eyes began to water as he laughed lightly, nodding. He knew Jon was right and he knew how much Peter loved him. Peter had been there for him through so much. He couldn’t even begin to imagine how Peter felt as he was forced to watch Neal fall apart, lose it, or suffer in general. “ _If he ever hurts you or tries to leave you, I’ll kick his ass. There’s no way in hell that I’m gonna let him leave a beautiful man like you—and you know damn well that I’m not talking only about your physical beauty._ ” 

“I don’t… Jon, I don’t know how to thank you—for everything.” Jon just smiled silently. “You and Hannah—you gave me such a beautiful man to marry. I don’t know what I’d do without him and I’m eternally grateful to you both for bringing him into this world because I know he’s my soulmate.”

The older man laughed lightly, nodding. “ _Neal, you’re my boy. You’re part of the family and you have been since I met you that first Christmas._ ” Neal imagined Jon hugging him as he said that. Had they been speaking in person, Jon probably would have pulled him close and whispered that in his ear. He always made sure Neal knew he was loved and appreciated. Hell, he’d made Neal cry on his wedding day because he wanted Neal to know and never forget that he’s now a Burke. “ _I love you, kid. It’s honestly a shame you and Peter didn’t meet sooner. I never thought I’d have to tell him that there’s nothing wrong with being gay. If he’d introduced you to us at any point, I would’ve made sure you both knew you’re loved no matter what._ ”

“Jon— _dad,_ you have made that well known to us since I met you. You welcomed me into your home and you’ve always stood up for me. Hell, you stood up for me when mom and I weren’t on the best of terms. I was kind of afraid of never being able to visit you guys with Peter because mom was so…”

“ _Prejudiced?_ ” Jon offered.

Neal nodded, smiling weakly. “I know Peter loves you two and I hope you two know how much I love you. You and mom are the best parents I’ve ever met and you’ve raised a very beautiful daughter as well as an exceptionally handsome and well-mannered son.” Both men laughed lightly and Neal rubbed at his eyes again. “If I didn’t have Peter, I wouldn’t have you and mom. I can’t imagine living without all of you. I mean, Peter and I… We’re just perfect in my mind. If I didn’t have you and mom, I wouldn’t know how it feels to have a parent love me—let alone _two._ I finally have a mom and dad who’ll protect me and love me the way parents should always love their children.”

Jon could see that Neal’s entire demeanor had suddenly changed and he knew exactly why. “ _Ellen loved you, Neal. I didn’t know her very long, but I know she loved you. She may not have been there as often as you needed her to be, but you knew you were in her heart._ ” Neal nodded as his lips trembled. He missed Ellen so much. His father was AWOL and his mother was dead, but Ellen had impacted him tremendously and she was also dead. He knew who killed Ellen, but he’d allowed Keller to walk since he’d helped out with Neal’s plan to fake his death. He wouldn’t go back on his word no matter how personal the situation was. “ _Hannah and I will always love you, Neal. Like I said, I’ll kick Peter’s ass if he tries to leave you. There’s no way in hell that I’m going to let that boy leave a wonderful young man like you._ ” Neal laughed lightly, wiping his tears away even as they kept coming. “ _Besides, son… You’re a wonderful father. Despite how you were ‘raised’—and I use that very loosely because you essentially raised yourself—you have become a beautiful man. Your boy is the smartest and sweetest kid I’ve ever seen and I know he got that from you. You deserve parents who love you since you love your children the way a father should and Hannah and I are more than happy to show you our love any moment of any day._ ”

“I’m very thankful to be one of the Burkes,” Neal whispered. “Speaking to you and Hannah at times, I can see where my husband got his manners and affection from.” Jon chuckled, shaking his head. “I’m sorry for avoiding you and mom all this time. I was…” He laughed nervously. “Saying I was ‘scared’ is an understatement. I’ll admit that I was terrified to speak to you because I know how much Peter means to you as well as how much our family means to you. I didn’t want to lose you and mom.”

“ _You’ll never lose us, son. My Peter forgave you and I know why you did what you did, so I can’t hold anything against you unless I decide to criticize how deeply and truly you love your family._ ”

Neal heard a door open on Jon’s end and Jon turned a bit. “ _Hey, sweetheart. What’re you doing?_ ”

Jon smiled as his wife came into view. “ _Talking to one of our boys._ ”

Hannah glanced at the screen and she looked surprised to see Neal. “ _Neal, it’s been so long,_ ” she whispered. “ _You look like you’ve been crying, honey._ ” Neal nodded, glancing down at his keyboard for a moment before looking at the screen again just in time to catch Hannah glaring at Jon. “ _You better not be the reason he was crying, Jonathan._ ”

“He wasn’t,” Neal insisted. “Unless you count all of the wonderful things he’s said to me, I’ve made myself cry.” She smiled at him and rested her hands on her husband’s shoulders. “I may as well repeat myself because you deserve to hear this, too… Mom, I’m sorry for causing chaos. I’m sorry for hurting you two as well as my own family here.” She knew he was worry and she knew he was sincere about it. She didn’t hate the young man in front of her nor did she resent him. Knowing the reasoning behind what he’d done, she admired him. “I love all of you so very much and I’ve owed you both an explanation and an apology, but I guess Peter already explained things, so I owe you an apology.”

Hannah shook her head, kissing Jon’s hair. “ _Nonsense, my little love._ ” Neal blushed a bit. He thought that was really sweet and it proved that she didn’t resent him. “ _I knew my Jon would do the same for me, Cara, and Peter in the past. I know my little boy would do it for you and your three babies. The fact that you did it just proves to me that you love my Peter._ ” He smiled faintly, nodding. “ _I, like Jon, love you. You’re all safe now that those two bastards are dead, Neal. If not for this plan of yours, I don’t know if we’d still be in hiding or not._ ” She shook her head and gave him a very affectionate smile. “ _Nonetheless, I hope you know that you’re a good man. Peter knows it and he told us that he loves you more for it._ ”

They spoke for quite some time following Hannah’s entrance until it was almost five in the morning. He could hear Peter moving around upstairs just as he was saying goodnight to Jon and Hannah. Shutting his laptop, he glanced at the stairway. He heard Peter come down the stairway and smiled when he saw his sleepy lover rubbing his eyes. “Why are you down here?” he asked groggily.

Neal rose up and moved towards Peter before Peter could come all the way down the stairs. “I didn’t want to wake you.” Peter looked a little more awake as his brows furrowed in confusion and concern. “I…Skyped mom and dad.” Peter nodded, wondering what the outcome of that had been. He could see how tearstained his husband’s cheeks were and how red Neal’s eyes were, so he’d definitely gotten emotional quite a bit. “Everything’s okay,” he whispered as he wrapped his arms around Peter and pressed his head against Peter’s chest.

Since Peter was elevated on the stairway a bit, the most he did was rest his arms on his husband’s shoulders, cradling the back of the younger man’s head gently. “I told you, baby,” he whispered.

The younger man nodded, closing his eyes as he listened to Peter’s heartbeat. Standing here with the man of his dreams, the love of his life, and his very best friend… He could forget about suspecting Kramer of an infatuation with Peter and all of the drama with Rebecca. He could forget about hating himself for the moment. He could just hug his husband and believe that Peter loves him. He believed that Peter forgave him, but now he was finally forgiving himself completely. His family kept him grounded and reminded him that what he’d done was purely out of love even though he felt like he’d betrayed everyone.

With his husband’s fingers weaved through his hair, he smiled and nuzzled Peter’s chest and whispered, “I know you did.”


	53. Chapter 53

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Once again, tension finds the Burkes.

Peter stood, tense in his own kitchen, with his back to Rebecca as he made himself coffee. Neal and the kids were still asleep, but he’d gotten up when Neal kicked him accidentally. Peter didn’t even react to the kick as someone normally might. All he had to do was figure out which leg it was and let it go at that. Neal’s leg still spasms at times when he sleeps and Peter wanted to help Neal very badly, but he didn’t know what was out there. “If I ask to take Neal shopping with Tara, will you object?”

“Yes,” Peter said firmly. “First of all, Tara isn’t in town right now. She went somewhere with Declan and their baby on a vacation.” He glanced at her, glaring. “I’m an FBI agent. You can’t bullshit me very well.” She nodded, knowing Tara wasn’t in town. She wanted to spend some time alone with Neal and that was very hard to do with his watchdog guarding him at all times. “Second of all, I don’t trust you around my husband. I know I pushed him to befriend you several years ago, but I haven’t trusted you since the day you cornered him and begged him to have sex with you.”

“I know that,” she said quietly.

Peter’s grip on his mug was tight. He wouldn’t shatter it though. It was one of the mugs Neal had decorated for him for their first Christmas together. He treasured it as much as he treasures Neal himself. “Being a homosexual means you’re attracted to members of the same sex. I’m not sure if you learned that at any point in your life, but that means Neal, as a man, is attracted to other men.”

“Haven’t you ever wondered how he got it up long enough to knock up Kathy?”

“ _Kate,_ ” Peter hissed. He didn’t know the woman at all, but he respected her since she had given them Nicky. “Neal was drunk. It’s like being drugged. Hell, it’s comparable to being raped. You know as well as Neal does that your body reacts to sexual stimulation regardless of whether or not it’s consensual.” She was very flustered by the reality of that. Peter knew Neal was forced to ejaculate when he was being raped and that was one form of humiliation while he was in their clutches. Neal, under normal circumstances, would never come when he was close to Vincent or Craig. Neal’s body wasn’t his own when they’d used him and Peter imagined that Rebecca had gone through something similar since she had also been raped. “I got it up with my wife for several years because she knew how to stimulate me and I her. Neither of us is straight, but we still had sex.”

She groaned and Peter shut his eyes tightly, trying to keep himself from strangling the woman he loathed. “So, hypothetically, if I were to give Neal a handjob or a blowjob… He’d get hard?”

Peter slammed his palm onto the countertop before spinning around to face her. He knew she was purposely pushing his buttons, but he was tired of her thinking Neal was only good for sex. Yes, he loves making love to the younger man, but Neal wasn’t the kind of man who wanted sex or lovemaking twenty-four-seven. Neal, despite his beauty, wasn’t a sex object in Peter’s mind, but he realized that Neal was viewed that way from other perspectives. “If you go anywhere near my husband’s dick, I will unleash hell upon you,” he growled lowly. “He doesn’t want you, Rebecca. I know he’s a challenge because he can resist you, but he’s taken. He’s my husband and the daddy of our three children. You may feel comfortable with the idea of ripping him from me, but I’d hope you’re not heartless enough to rip him from his children. There’s no room for you in his personal life here at home.”

Rebecca gave Peter a devious smile that made Peter’s gut twist. Something was definitely amiss here, but he didn’t know what her intentions with Neal were. Neal was immune to her charms. His only issue was that he was sensitive to hurting her feelings. Peter would have to force Neal to stay firm if she advanced on him because he didn’t want Neal to do something he’d regret. He didn’t think Neal would cheat on him regardless, but Rebecca concerned him since she was targeting Neal’s weak spots.

It was one thing for Neal to endure and suffer through rape, but it was another for him to consent to sex because of guilt. Rebecca was sure to guilt Neal in some way, shape, or form, so Peter knew he had to be overly vigilant when it came to making sure his husband wasn’t being toyed with. This whole situation was so bizarre. She desperately wanted Neal, so she’d finagled her way into their home and now Kramer was in town and Neal had the feeling he was interested in Peter.

He glanced towards the doorway as Neal came into view in his robe, rubbing his eyes tiredly. He was barefoot, without pants on, and his hair was a disaster. “Morning,” he mumbled.

“Hey, sweetheart of mine,” Peter whispered, moving towards him to pull him into a hug. He kissed Neal’s hair, closing his eyes as he enveloped the warmth of his husband’s body. “How’d you sleep?”

“Good until you got out of bed—jerk.” Peter smiled, nuzzling the side of Neal’s face. “What’re you up to?”

They separated enough so that Neal could look up at Peter and Peter just grinned, loving how adorable Neal looked since he was so tired. He’d really worn Neal out last night when they made love and damn was it good. “Nothing really. I made coffee. Do you want some?” Neal nodded and Peter kissed his forehead before turning to retrieve a mug so he could pour some coffee for his husband. “Did you check your email this morning?” Neal made a sound akin to yes as Peter brought the mug to him. “That’s Kramer’s report on this case he’s brought us. I’ve already stationed a few teams near the Met since that seems to be the central location for these manuscripts he’s looking for.”

“Have we heard anything from the other agents yet?”

Peter shook his head. “Nothing yet. Diana will let me know if we’re needed, so you better at least get some casual clothes on, lover boy.” Neal smirked, taking a sip of his coffee. Peter noticed how desperate Rebecca looked as she gazed at Neal longingly. What Peter found funny was that Neal wasn’t even paying attention to her. Peter stared at his husband lovingly as he watched the younger man drink his coffee.

Neal sighed quietly, asking, “Do we have to go to work today?” Peter gave him a perplexed expression, wondering what was on Neal’s mind. Neal hadn’t been very enthusiastic about work lately, but he didn’t explain why. “I just want to curl up with you and sleep all day. I mean, I know we’re going to have to feed the babies and you know I love playing with them, but I’m sleepy.”

The older man chuckled. “We have a little bit of time before it’s a possibility that we’ll be needed, baby.” Neal groaned and Peter shook his head, resting his hand on his husband’s hip. “You’re so cute.”

“Pft,” Neal scoffed, rolling his eyes. “I look like I, literally, just rolled out of bed.”

Briefly glancing at Rebecca to see that she was still focused on his husband, he shrugged and said, “Nah. I think you look like we made some really, really hot love in bed last night.” Neal looked at his husband, eyes wide as a faint blush appeared on his cheeks. They were usually pretty civil and respectful with others around when it came to their sex life. He had the feeling he knew why Peter was making everything so blatant though, especially as Rebecca left the kitchen in a hurry.

Peter moved away from the younger man for a moment and Neal stared at him with an eyebrow raised. “Do I want to know what’s going on? I mean, I’m fairly certain I know, but…” Peter was silent, knowing Neal probably didn’t like the idea of speaking about their sex life with Rebecca of all people. “Babe, you know I’m yours. Since I’ve been with you, I haven’t had sex with—” He stopped abruptly and Peter’s head snapped up as he turned to face his husband, concerned with how suddenly Neal cut himself off. He knew exactly how Neal would have finished his statement and he was afraid that Neal was going to have some kind of panic attack or meltdown as he made the connection. “I haven’t had _consensual_ sex with anyone else since I met you,” he whispered, lowering his gaze to the floor.

“Don’t you dare let that bring you down,” Peter whispered, moving towards him again. He brushed Neal’s hair back with his left hand, caressing Neal’s cheek with his right. “I don’t hold you accountable for what they did. As far as I’m concerned, you’ve been nothing but faithful all these years.” Neal nodded slowly and Peter kissed his forehead. “Honey, don’t do this to yourself. Please.”

Neal nodded again, exhaling shakily. “I know you don’t hold it against me. I honestly try not to think about it all that much because it _does_ bother me.” Peter wrapped his arms around the younger man and Neal slid his arms around Peter’s neck, leaning into him. “I’m all right, babe. I just…you know.”

“I do know,” he said softly. He knew exactly what Neal wasn’t saying. “I don’t think you’re a whore and I don’t think you’re dirty.” Rubbing Neal’s back soothingly, he whispered, “You’re my beautiful husband and I love you to death. What they did to you wasn’t your fault and I don’t think you’re unmanly because of them. It takes strength and courage to survive what you did.” Neal nuzzled his face against his husband’s throat. “I’m very proud of you for trying so hard.”

“I wouldn’t be able to do it without you,” Neal whispered against him. “I didn’t know how to cope on my own. What I did to cope was… I regret it.” Peter nodded, knowing his husband wished things had been different. “If all that pain and depression led me to you, then it was so fucking worth it.”

Peter chuckled lightly, kissing his hair. “I’m here to stay, baby boy. I have you and our kiddos.” Neal always loved when Peter said things like this. After almost six years, he still craved that knowledge that Peter is happy with him, that Peter wants to be with him and raise a family with him.

•◊•

Peter sat at the far end of the conference room table with Neal on his right hand side and Kramer off to his left. He was watching the older man critically and he could see Kramer making judgments about the younger man. Neal was working diligently with them, skimming through some files Kramer brought to them. Neal was pissed off and jealous around Kramer, but he knew he still had his job to do, so he put his personal feelings aside and did as he was asked—and also because it was Peter who brought him the file and asked him for his insight. “I know Shane Debora. He’s more than likely involved in all of this,” the younger man said suddenly. Peter refocused on his husband and gave him a look of question. “I have a…background with criminals,” he hesitantly answered. “Shane is a forger and these manuscripts you had scanned definitely fit his MO. The way the letters are slanted gave him away.”

Kramer raised an eyebrow as he listened to Neal speak. He wondered how Neal had such connections since he’d gone on to become a Federal Agent. “And how, may I ask, do you have this background?”

“He doesn’t have to answer to—”

Neal rested his hand on Peter’s, gently gripping his fingers. “It’s okay,” he said quietly. Glancing at Kramer, he answered, “I was homeless when I was sixteen. I ran away from home and came here to start my life over. I befriended someone who’s been here for me since the day we met and he does some highly questionable things, but he has contacts.” Kramer wondered how Neal _knew_ those contacts though. “My friend taught me a few tricks when we were on our own. I met with some of his contacts to pull cons and such every now and then. They were never severe and no one was ever hurt. Mo— _my friend_ only brought me along for cons when we were in need of food and such.”

Kramer nodded, despising him even more. “So this friend of yours… You’ve given him immunity?” Neal shook his head and was about to reply, but Kramer interrupted him. “Why have you not reported his crimes?”

“He’s my friend, but he’s never done anything with the intention of hurting someone.” That wasn’t entirely true. Mozzie never intended on killing anyone, but he’d injured a few people when they messed with Neal. “His crimes shouldn’t even be considered crimes. Everything he did when I was a teenager and in my early twenties was to help me.”

“Why didn’t you go to a shelter or home of some sort when you arrived here? There are facilities that provide for victims of rape.”

“Find me a God damn _known_ facility that would have helped a _male_ rape victim,” Neal snapped. “I didn’t have any way of knowing where the hell I could have gone or was supposed to go. You never hear anything about men who are raped. I was raped for almost three years before I escaped.” Peter kept his eyes on Neal, hating how Kramer made his husband so emotional and upset. Neal’s voice was shaky as he spoke, but he was trying his hardest to stay adamant. “I was homeless, alone, and a victim of rape. I trusted no one because no one deserved my trust. I didn’t even trust my own mother,” he growled.

Peter watched Neal’s eyes glaze over and he felt awful. “Don’t talk about it anymore,” Peter whispered, knowing that bringing up his worst moments hurt quite a bit. Neal hated that he’d been homeless, living on the streets. He hated how low he had fallen in life. Of course he was in a better place now, but he’d suffered for a while emotionally, psychologically, and physically. Neal’s lips were quivering and Peter could see the anguish that was going to erupt. Neal abruptly shoved his chair back and tried to pull away from Peter, but Peter gripped his hand a little tighter. “Baby boy, don’t run from me,” he pleaded quietly. “I’m here.”

“Just let me have a few minutes to myself, okay?” he said, sounding bitter and angry. Peter frowned and nodded, letting go of his husband’s hand. He left the conference room and made his way towards the bathrooms. Peter knew he wasn’t going to run off and leave the building. Neal couldn’t do that. He could seclude himself for a little while, but he eventually went right back to Peter because Peter is his rock.

Immediately turning on Kramer, Peter growled, “Was that necessary?” Kramer stared at him blankly as though he didn’t understand why Peter was so upset. “His past has nothing to do with any of this. He has a friend who has criminal connections and he went through a very dark chapter when he was younger. To condemn him for surviving is bullshit.” His jaw clenched as he thought about what his husband must be feeling right now. Neal regrets a lot of the things he lowered himself to as well as some things he morally shouldn’t or wouldn’t have done under different circumstances. “Neal’s past is filled to the brim with pain and suffering. I don’t need you filling his present with that as well. He’s giving you advice and information for this damn case and I’ll take him off of it if you continue to ostracize him. He doesn’t need this case. I can easily assign him other cases that suit his abilities better since they won’t be put into question.”

Kramer raised an eyebrow. He strongly disliked Neal, but Neal was intelligent and his connections would be useful. “All I did was ask a few questions.”

“Yes, and they were very _select_ questions. If you’re intentionally hurting my husband, I won’t hesitate to report you to Reese—and then I can go over your head.” He wasn’t going to put up with this. He knew Neal was jealous of Kramer and he’d been trying to reassure Neal that there was no reason to worry. He swore he would never love anyone else and he said he hadn’t been able to look at another man the way he looks at Neal since they began their relationship.

Neal came back into the conference room and Peter’s eyes were immediately on him. Neal’s eyes were red and his face was splotchy. “Can I talk to—” He cleared his throat, looking miserable. “Can I talk to Peter for a minute?”

Peter glared at Kramer and Kramer nodded, leaving the conference room. He shut the door behind him, leaving the couple to themselves. “Honey, are you okay?”

“No. I’m not okay,” Neal said, sounding extremely upset. Peter nodded and stepped closer, but Neal held his hand up, immediately stopping Peter. “I criticize my own past because I know I did a lot of really stupid or wrong things. I’m not afraid to admit that, but I only admit it when you and I are alone in our bedroom.” He blinked back tears and Peter wished Neal would let him hold him. “You have no idea how much that bastard pisses me off. You have no idea how much that bastard scares the shit out of me. I’m a rape victim, so fucking what? People get raped. I was raped. Shit happens to shitty people and I—”

“Don’t,” Peter pleaded. “Neal, there’s no reason to degrade yourself.” He closed the distance between them and hugged his husband, letting Neal cry against him like he knew he would. “You’ve never been a shitty person,” Peter whispered. “You were a teenager—an innocent teenager. You never deserved any of that then and you never deserved any of what they did to you in recent years. You don’t deserve to suffer and I wish I could take some of your pain and keep it to myself.”

Neal shook his head, gripping the back of Peter’s suit jacket roughly, balling it up in his fingers. “I’m so tired of being judged,” he whispered thickly. “I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know where to go or who to go to. If your mother betrayed you, wouldn’t you be lost and confused?”

“Of course,” Peter said softly. “Baby, I won’t judge you for any of that. I know about your time on the streets and I’m just glad you never gave up.” He kissed Neal’s hair, whispering, “You are an amazing man and I didn’t know you when you were a teenager, but I’d imagine that you were an amazing young man as well. You raised yourself as well as your son on your own. I can’t even begin to imagine how stressful things were for you.”

“Will this ever fucking stop?” he asked miserably, his voice muffled against Peter’s neck. “I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling weak. I hate crying over this. I hate _thinking_ about this.” Peter rubbed Neal’s back, kissing his hair repeatedly.

“Honey, I don’t know if there will ever be a moment when you feel safe and secure. You were put through a lot of hell in the last twenty years. You know I don’t blame you for being afraid or for being upset. You have every right to be afraid, upset, angry… Neal, I’m here for you no matter how bad you feel.” Neal shuddered against him and Peter kept rubbing his back in an attempt to soothe him. “You’ll never be alone again. You’re my husband and I’m here to support you in any and every way I can.”

Neal sobbed harder then and Peter didn’t know what to do. He thought he was saying things that would help Neal get through this a little easier. It definitely hadn’t been his intention to upset his husband. “I love you,” he said. Peter barely understood him through his sobs, but he’d been with Neal long enough to decipher things he was saying when he was crying. “I couldn’t do any of this without you. I just—I need you and I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being so needy. You’re probably sick of me crying all over you all the time.”

Peter hushed him gently, cradling the back of Neal’s head with his left hand while fanning his right fingers out over Neal’s back. “If I were sick and tired of you, I would have left you,” he whispered, “but I’m here, Neal, and I plan on _staying_ here.” Neal sounded absolutely miserable and Peter hated Kramer for doing this to him. “No matter what happens between us or to us individually, I refuse to walk away from you. I love you so damn much, baby. Without you… God, I can’t even describe how empty and unfeeling I am without you.”

The younger man eventually calmed down after Peter kept telling him things he knew, but doubted because of the way he was feeling at that moment. Peter always helped him through his lowest points and he really appreciated it. Sitting down in the chair near the end of the conference table, he whispered, “Thank you for being so patient with me all the time. You don’t know how much it means to me to have a husband who cares about me twenty-four-seven.”

Smiling, Peter knelt in front of his husband, resting his hands on Neal’s thighs. “You are the love of my life. The last thing I want to do is let you go. I want you in my life and I’m thankful to have you and your love.” Belatedly, Peter realized his hand was resting over the name engraved into Neal’s thigh. He wanted to draw back and keep his hand away from the area, but he didn’t want Neal to hurt more because he thought Peter considered him unattractive. Instead, he just let his hand rest there. He didn’t move it, fearing that doing so would bring attention to it and send Neal over the edge. “If you feel alone and like you don’t deserve your life, you come to me, honey.” He shifted a bit and kissed Neal’s forehead. “I’ll remind you that I’m going to be right at your side—and that your life is worth living. You have three beautiful children who love you and a husband who would do anything for you.”

“I know that,” Neal said quietly, forcing a sad smile. “I don’t understand how you can deal with me acting this way. I didn’t understand years ago and I don’t understand right now.”

“What you’re feeling is natural,” Peter whispered. “Your feelings are human and I can’t resent you or be disgusted with you for acting this way. I don’t know what you went through personally, but I’ve watched you suffer and recover repeatedly since I met you. I know how strong you are and, not to be cliché or anything, this too shall pass, my love.”

Neal cracked a little smile and that warmed Peter’s heart considerably. He loved the way his husband smiled because he knew Neal had plenty of reasons not to. “I love you,” he whispered, lifting his hands to caress the sides of Peter’s face. He gently pulled Peter close and kissed him lovingly. “I know I thank you a lot, but thank you—for falling in love with me, for staying with me through it all, for being the man who understands me even if he doesn’t _understand._ ” He kissed the older man again, sighing quietly. “I pray that you never know how this feels, Peter,” he whispered. “I love you for being with me, for treating me like a normal man. You’ve never once looked at me in disgust or resentment… You’ve treated me fairly and equally for the most part and that means everything to me.”

Peter chuckled, nodding. “You were everything to me when I met you and you still are to this day, my angel,” Peter said softly. “I can’t believe this year will be our sixth year together.”

“It certainly doesn’t feel that long.”

Grinning, Peter nodded. “I know, baby.”

“Every time I’m with you, I feel like I’m meeting you for the first time again.” Peter felt much the same way every time he looked into Neal’s eyes. The moment they’d met, the first thing that caught his eye was Neal’s eyes. They were and still are so beautiful to him and he finds himself lost in them when he’s given the opportunity to just gaze into his husband’s eyes. “I like feeling this way. I like that you give me butterflies when you look at me.” He looked a little ashamed a moment later and Peter didn’t understand. “I wish I gave you more than a husband who falls apart so easily.”

Peter groaned and lifted his hand off of Neal’s scarred thigh, thankful that Neal didn’t react, and he brushed Neal’s hair back. “Baby boy, you have given me so much. You’ve given me all of yourself without knowing how much that means to me. You gave me a son and a home when we first got together.” He rubbed his thumb over Neal’s cheekbone and smiled as Neal leaned into his palm. “You’ve given me more than you realize, hon. Don’t put yourself down, okay? I hoped by now that you’d know how deeply, truly, and irrevocably I love you for the man you are. I’ll always remind you of that when you forget it.”

Neal shook his head, whispering, “I don’t know how you do it.” Peter gave him a look of confusion. “I felt so shitty after Kramer put me on the spot and you just fixed everything. You’re like a miracle worker.” He watched his husband tense and wondered how Peter had taken offense to that. “What is it?” he asked quietly, concerned.

“If I were a miracle worker, you wouldn’t have—”

“Don’t,” Neal pleaded. “You just told me that you don’t want me to put myself down, so please don’t do that to yourself.” He took Peter’s hand as he slowly got to his feet. Peter rose with him, standing in front of him very closely. “I can’t tell you enough that I love you, Peter.” He wrapped his arms around the older man and was pleased when Peter’s arms immediately embraced him.

“Nor can I ever convey to you how much I love you,” Peter whispered in response. “My love for you… It’s limitless.”

•◊•

“I hate you.”

Neal chuckled and Nicky giggled. “Oh, don’t bitch,” Neal murmured, nudging his husband’s ribs. Peter glared at him and Neal knew it wasn’t real anger. He and Peter were laying on one couch while Nicky sat on the other. The babies were playing quietly in front of them while they watched a Yankees game. “Babe, you know this is a rerun. I’ve watched this with you before.”

Peter muttered, “That doesn’t mean you need to recap it for me play by play, Neal George Burke.” Neal grinned twisting a bit so he could look up at Peter. Peter immediately kissed him, tightening his one armed hold on Neal’s torso as he tugged him closer. They were pretty close as it was and Neal felt like Peter was trying to consume him. “I’m surprised you even remember this. You’re usually reading while I’m watching the game.”

“You know,” Neal said sarcastically, “I do try to please my husband every now and then by actually spending time with him while pretending to enjoy something I know he loves.” Peter rubbed Neal’s abdomen, smiling to himself as Neal turned back towards the television. He could feel Peter’s sudden erection spring to life behind him and it made his heart skip a beat to know he was able to do that to Peter so easily.

“You please me very much,” he whispered in Neal’s ear, kissing just below it a moment later.

“If you’re going to have verbal sex, you can go upstairs, guys,” Nicky said, sounding like he wasn’t fazed at all by the quiet discussion between his fathers. Neal and Peter’s faces both flushed because they both thought Peter had been quiet enough. “I love you both, but I want to watch the game.”

Neal raised an eyebrow as he stared at his son. During the silence, Nicky met his dad’s gaze and immediately looked very sheepish. Neal was giving him that ‘daddy look’ that Peter loved so much. He was silently warning his son to watch what he said to his poppa. Neal didn’t particularly care if Nicky gave him sass because he’s lived with Nicky since Nicky was born, but he didn’t want Nicky talking to Peter like that. It was a very innocent—actually, it wasn’t a very innocent comment. He brought up the one thing Peter felt very uncomfortable speaking about in front of Nicky. He didn’t want Nicky to think it was okay to make flippant comments like that when their sex life was none of their son’s business.

As Peter was rubbing Neal’s stomach, Brie began to throw a fit—as well as her stuffed animals that Neal brought down for her. “Hey,” Neal said gently as he slid off of the couch. Peter chuckled as Neal got onto his hands and knees beside their daughter. “Hey, princess,” he whispered, kissing her hair. “What’s wrong?” He glanced up just as Rebecca was coming downstairs. He found that to be a strange coincidence. One look up at Peter told Neal that Peter was thinking along the same lines as he was.

Neal shifted into a sitting position and pulled his daughter into his lap and gently rocked her, watching as Rebecca went into their kitchen. Something was off and he wondered if his little girl knew that, too. She’s very smart, but he was also worried that something had been done to her by Rebecca. He wasn’t going to make accusations just yet, but he also couldn’t remember Rebecca ever being alone with the twins and it didn’t explain why Joey was totally unaffected.

Peter’s fingers combed through Neal’s hair and Neal understood that as Peter’s way of saying he was worried just as much. “It’s okay,” Peter said softly as he leaned over, smiling down at their daughter. “Daddy’s got you, Brie.” He moved his hand to brush the back of his fingers against Neal’s cheek and Neal turned his head just enough to kiss Peter’s fingers, making the older man chuckle—just as Rebecca came in.

Nicky was watching her just as cautiously as Peter was and Neal was still trying to get Brie to calm down. “Peter, I’m going to take her upstairs,” he whispered. “I’ll be back down in a minute or two.” Glancing at his husband, he hoped he was telling Peter what he was doing.

Peter silently nodded. Neal was very knowledgeable of what to look for, so Peter let him take care of that while he kept an eye on Rebecca, who decided to sit on the couch beside Nicky. There was a slight distance between them, but he could see that Nicky was uncomfortable. As soon as he sat up and shifted his arm, Nicky grabbed his hand. Meeting his oldest son’s eyes, he searched them and he could see how afraid Nicky was. He squeezed Nicky’s hand and realized that he knew exactly what Neal was doing, which is _why_ he was afraid.

The fact that Neal was taking so long to come back down concerned both Peter and Nicky. Joey was still playing in front of the couch.

By the time the younger man finally returned, Peter was extremely on edge and prepared to kill Rebecca on the spot. Neal met his gaze and subtly shook his head. Peter exhaled without having realized he was holding his breath.

Rebecca looked really bored as she watched the game with the Burkes. Neal sat down beside Peter after Peter pulled Joey up from the floor with his stuffed animals. “She’s okay?” he whispered. He knew he was being quiet this time because the last thing he wanted to do was alert Rebecca that they were onto her if she’d done something.

“Yes,” Neal whispered back. Glancing at his husband sadly, he added, “There weren’t any physical signs. Pisses me off to think she could’ve…”

Peter nodded, kissing Neal’s temple. “She would be dead in a second,” Peter hissed quietly. “After everything, I won’t let it happen to them.” Neal leaned against him and Peter wrapped his left arm around his husband, knowing he was terrified. Neal always kept Nicky hidden from boyfriends or one night stand men because he was afraid that someone would do to Nicky what was done to him. He couldn’t trust anyone with his son until he met Peter.

Neal knew Peter would take care of their children. Peter wasn’t even capable of abuse as far as Neal was concerned. They had several moments when it looked like Peter wanted to hit him, but Peter never struck him and he never came close to doing so with their children. Neal closed his eyes as Brie sniffled on his lap and he listened to his husband breathe heavily beside him. He didn’t even want to consider that his own child had been raped, but he took that very seriously, which is why he responded so seriously when Nicky came to him.

Both he and Peter knew that men and women were capable of raping their victims and neither of them knew what to expect from Rebecca. Neal, after his rapes, was determined to be himself instead of the man who ravaged him. He went on to become a great father, caring for his son more than anything and anyone else. He protected Nicky from other men because he didn’t want Nicky to suffer.

Rebecca, on the other hand, was raped as well and they had no idea what she’d been through. For all they knew, Rebecca could become the rapist. It was possible, but Neal was terrified to think that he had a rapist living in his home again. He ran from Vincent’s influence, but he wouldn’t run from Rebecca. He would lock her up if she ever touched his children inappropriately now that he had the ability to actually do something about the situation.

He couldn’t see any marks, trauma, or blood on his daughter when he’d taken her upstairs. Part of him wanted to take her and Rebecca in to have a fingernail test run, but he didn’t think it made much sense for her to target their daughter when they had two sons. It wasn’t that he preferred that she go after his sons instead of his daughter… He just assumed that, of all their children, Nicky would be her target for looking so much like him. Peter was overly protective of them both and he’d continue to be overprotective of his babies—encompassing his children and his husband.

Peter’s fingers moved slowly on Neal’s left side as he kept his eyes on Neal’s face. He was going to keep a very close eye on Rebecca. They wouldn’t let their guard down and believe she wasn’t capable of this. Peter was afraid of letting her get away with something that would harm his kids. “Thank you,” Neal whispered.

Brie laid back against Neal as Peter kissed Neal’s hair. “The four of you are my babies,” he teased lightly. “I love my babies and I’ll protect them with everything I’ve got.”


	54. Chapter 54

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter verbally hurts Neal until he finally carries out Peter's wishes.

Neal watched his husband as he sat in the grass. He was laughing quietly to himself as Peter played with the kids in the park he’d taken them to. Brie and Joey loved their poppa’s attention and Neal knew that Nicky just loved when Peter played with him, too. Nicky may be fifteen, but he wanted to play.

Peter looked up after he rolled around with the twins and he could see how happy he was making the four people he loves most. Neal wasn’t even involved in their play at the moment, but he was so happy. “Why don’t you come over here and play with us, Mister Antisocial?”

“Because you look like you’ve got everything under control,” Neal called out, chuckling. The older man smirked at his husband after saying something Neal couldn’t hear to Nicky. He wasn’t surprised when Peter pushed himself up from the grass and darted up the hill towards him. Twisting aside, he laughed and said, “Don’t you dare!”

Peter wrapped his arms around Neal’s torso, loving the way Neal laughed. He started tickling the younger man until Neal forced him to roll down the hill—going right along with him. By the time they’d gotten down to the flat area of the grass, they were both covered with grass stains and Peter ended up lying on top of Neal’s back, kissing Neal’s neck as he laughed quietly near his ear. “I dared,” he whispered.

“Get off, you big teddy,” he said, sounding like Peter was squishing him. Peter grinned as he shifted off of his husband and laid beside him. Neal kept his eyes on Peter and Peter could see the love and happiness in his eyes. “God… I love you, Peter,” he whispered, shifting closer to his husband to peck his lips.

“I love you, too, beautiful.”

Both men pushed themselves up and moved towards their children. Nicky was giggling when his fathers came over. He’d watched the whole thing as it unfolded and he loved that Peter could make Neal smile and laugh like that. He thought it was really sweet because he remembered a time when Neal would take him to a park or playground and look a little miserable. Nicky knew now that he wasn’t the problem, but he’d blamed himself for his dad’s unhappiness when he was younger. He hadn’t known that his father was struggling with the idea of staying alive every waking moment.

Neal would have loved to commit suicide and he was practically on the brink of doing so when Nicky came into his life, but he tried so hard to make Nicky happy. Looking back on it all now, Nicky could see how desperate Neal had been for his love. Neal needed someone to love him and he’d been given Nicky. Nicky loves Neal unconditionally. He never once truly hated his dad even though he’s said it numerous times since turning thirteen. Even after what they went through together, he’d screamed that he hated him a few times when Neal grounded him. Neal was going to let up on the grounding until Nicky yelled at Neal, which Peter overheard. Peter wouldn’t let Nicky talk like that to Neal, so he enforced the grounding and Nicky went a week and a half without electronics unless he was doing schoolwork.

Nicky could never hate the man who’d raised him and protected him. Knowing that Neal wanted to die so badly for such a long time, he could see that Neal really put a lot of effort into raising Nicky. Now that he could see how happy Neal is, he knew everything was a lot better—for him as well as them both. Nicky could only be happy when Neal was since Neal had been the only man he loved—even with Mozzie in the picture. Neal was with him constantly, buying things for him as he ran out of money, and he did his damnedest to make sure Nicky had everything Nicky wanted.

As everyone settled down a few minutes later, Neal sat between Peter’s legs, leaning back against Peter’s chest as the twins played in front of him. They pulled at the grass and Neal was more than happy to let them unless they tried to eat it. Peter rubbed Neal’s stomach, kissing his hair.

The teenager watched his fathers. Every time he looked at them, he just knew nothing could ever separate them. Neal loves Peter too much and Peter loves Neal much the same. They made it through so many moments that could have torn them apart and they were a lot stronger as a couple now. That didn’t mean they never argued anymore. They certainly did, but Nicky could see how unconditional their love for each other was.

Scooting closer to the two older men, Nicky asked, “Have you two always been happy with each other?”

Both men glanced at their son, then at each other for a brief moment. “I love your dad,” Peter said softly. “He makes me happy just by breathing… We’ve had moments when we were pretty upset with each other, but we’re happy. You know dad and I still argue from time to time. Within the first two years of meeting your dad, I did a lot of things that hurt him emotionally.” Neal closed his eyes, rubbing Peter’s hand as he listened to his husband speak. “Dad could’ve left me and I wouldn’t have blamed him at all.”

Neal rubbed his husband’s thigh, whispering, “But we know we’re meant for each other.” He opened his eyes, looking up at him. “I love poppa and I know poppa loves me—no matter what we do to irritate each other.” Peter smiled, nodding at the younger man. He knew he was the one doing more of the irritating than Neal though, but he was glad Neal loved him enough to keep him in his life. The last thing he wanted to do was piss Neal off to the point where Neal wanted him to leave. “Nothing can change the way we love each other,” he said softly, earning himself a gentle kiss from his husband.

•◊•

Neal was cleaning up their leftovers from dinner while Peter did the dishes. There was a little tension in the house because Rebecca had been looking at Nicky for a moment and it set Peter off. “Are you just going to ignore the fact that she’s a pedophile?” Peter bit out.

“Peter, we don’t know for sure that she is or isn’t,” Neal whispered, turning a bit to look at him.

The younger man flinched when Peter slammed a pot down on the countertop. “You were the first to think she raped our daughter the other night. You took Brie upstairs to see if Rebecca fingered her, yet you’re allowing her to live here with us. I want to drive her out of the God damn city.” He glared at his husband, snapping, “Do you want her to rape our children? Do you feel bad enough for her that you’ll allow her to hurt our babies?” Neal shook his head, blinking back tears. He hated when Peter sounded so angry with him. “Then let’s kick her the fuck out. I’m sure she has family she can run to instead of living here. I’d rather throw her into her parents’ house than allow her the opportunity to fuck our kids.”

Neal snapped back at him, “What if this were me? What if I were the houseguest? She was raped—as was I. Just because I was raped, would you kick me out of the house?”

“First of all, you’re not a pedophile,” Peter growled. “You’ve never felt the need to stare at children like you want to fuck them. You’re not that kind of man. I don’t know what kind of woman she is. You’re allowing her to manipulate you, you bastard.” He didn’t intend to hurt Neal by saying all of this, but he was tired of having Rebecca around. Nicky kept going to Neal behind his back to make comments about Rebecca and Neal kept having ‘conversations’ with Rebecca. That wasn’t good enough for Peter. “You say you don’t want to be like your mother, but you’re acting just like she did.” Neal’s heart broke on his face, but Peter kept going. “You went to her and showed her the damning proof that Vincent was raping you and she did _nothing._ She allowed that son of a bitch to live in the same house as you until you ran away. Do you want your own God damn son to run away because Rebecca is raping him?”

Peter didn’t want Neal to cry, but he wanted to make his husband understand that there was something wrong with Rebecca. “I love him, Peter,” Neal whispered thickly. “I don’t want him to run away.” He lifted his hands to wipe his tears away and Peter wished he wasn’t so angry at Neal because he wanted to kiss his husband’s tears away. They had such a nice morning after the kids woke up. Going to the park was fun. Their night was going to hell very quickly and Peter had the sickening feeling that one of them wouldn’t be in their bed tonight. “You know I’ve always wanted to keep him safe.”

“Then why are you letting a potential rapist live in our God damn home?” he yelled. He didn’t care if Rebecca heard him. He thought she was stalking their children in their own home and that wasn’t fair to them. “You’re a very bright man, Neal George, but this is probably the stupidest thing you’ve ever fucking done. You’re pretty damn close to allowing history to repeat itself. Your mother did nothing to protect you from Vincent and all you’re doing to protect Nicky from Rebecca is essentially slap her on the hand _very_ lightly and ask her to stop being a bitch.” Neal looked so hurt by Peter’s words and Peter was just so pissed off, which meant he subconsciously kept hurting him. “She’s going to rape him if she continues to stay in our home, Neal. Get it through your God damn brain that she’s fucked in the head. Whatever happened during her rape has affected her psychologically to the point where she’s targeting children—and not just any children. _Our_ children.”

“Peter, stop,” Neal pleaded quietly.

“No!” Peter yelled, throwing the pot across the kitchen. Neal flinched and barely moved before the pot hit him. He stared at Peter with wide eyes. “You may as well just lead her up to his bedroom and let her have at it while you ‘supervise’ because that’s essentially all that you’re doing for him now.”

“I want to help her. I know she can pull through whatever she’s going through because I—”

Peter threw another dish, but he didn’t aim it at Neal this time. “You don’t get it!” Neal was trembling by the other countertop as he kept his eyes locked onto his husband. “Your _son_ is going to become a victim because you are doing _nothing_ to help his situation. I, quite frankly, don’t give a flying fuck if you’re trying to help her. I think she’s beyond the point of help, Neal. She has some disgusting obsession with you and I know she’ll hurt Nicky because he looks like you.” Neal swallowed hard, lifting his hands to rub his face again before inhaling and exhaling heavily. He didn’t like that Peter was yelling at him, but he didn’t know what to do. He didn’t want to hurt his family, but he didn’t want to put Rebecca out on the streets. “What she needs is an asylum. You always felt like you deserved one, but you never looked at a child the way she’s looked at Nick. By allowing her to stay, you’ve giving her permission to fuck our child, Neal. Is that what you want? You want her to fuck Nicky?”

Neal cried harder as he said, “No, Peter, I don’t. I love all of you and I never want any of you to go through that. I gave my body up to those rapists because I wanted to protect you and my son.” He breathed shakily, shutting his eyes tightly. “I don’t want anyone to touch my son, Peter. I’m not acting like my mother. I’m nothing like her.” He gasped as he tried to keep himself from sobbing. He didn’t want to break down like this because Peter was yelling at him. Under this kind of stress, he felt like he needed to be an adult and speak to his husband like an adult rather than cower in fear. “I want to protect him more than anything and you know that.”

“No, Neal. I don’t know that because you’re acting like you don’t give a damn about his well-being right now.”

Neal’s face heated up as he yelled, “I allowed myself to be penetrated by two men _simultaneously_ for him! Don’t you _dare_ tell me that I don’t give a damn about his well-being. I saved him from those sons of bitches.” He breathed heavily as he and Peter glared at each other. “I refuse to allow anyone to take advantage of him—regardless of their gender.”

“Then _do_ something about this, Neal!”

“I will!”

Nicky had been upstairs when the argument began, but he could hear them raising their voices with each other. He went down the stairs a little ways so he could hear them better and he could hear his dad crying. “Neal, knock off the damn crying,” he snapped. “Man the fuck up and let her deal with her shit on her own. If she can’t pay her damn bills, that isn’t our God damn fault. She’s not careful with her fucking money, so that’s her own fault.”

Neal tried to calm himself, but his lips were trembling. He never liked being yelled at by the man he loves more than anything. “Fine. I’ll stop being a pussy then.”

“You do that,” Peter said angrily. “You’re a man who’s almost forty years old. Take some God damn control of your own home for once.” Nicky’s eyes widened after hearing all of that. He never heard his parents speak that way to each other before. They’ve argued and used language, but he couldn’t remember hearing them say things like this to each other. “What the hell are you doing, Neal?”

Neal came out into the living room and opened the basement door, yelling, “Rebecca.” She made a sound of acknowledgement and he said, “Get your things packed up.” She came up the stairway and looked both confused and hurt by that and Neal didn’t care. He’d just gotten into a major fight with his husband because of her and he wasn’t going to let this continue. “I’ll take you somewhere else. I don’t want you here anymore.”

“But—”

“Get your shit out to my car right now,” he said tightly. She swallowed and nodded, retreating to the basement to pack her things. Peter stood a little ways behind Neal, watching him. He felt awful for saying everything he’d said to Neal and he was definitely going to regret it later. Turning towards Peter, Neal snapped, “Is that taking enough control for you?” Peter didn’t respond, knowing anything he said now would make things worse. “Hope you’re fucking happy, Peter. You get to sleep with your God damn ego tonight.” He went for his keys and was getting his shoes on.

“Baby…” he said as he walked towards Neal. “I’m sorry, honey. I didn’t mean what I said.”

Neal scoffed, biting out, “Yes, you did. I’ve always been a little bitch, so I’ll ‘man up’ just like you want me to because you’re just so damned perfect.” Peter frowned at him, knowing he’d cut his husband very deeply by saying all of that.

Rebecca came upstairs, looking dejected as hell. Peter liked that, but he wished he hadn’t resorted to yelling at the love of his life. “I know I’m not perfect, Neal.”

Neal stood up as soon as Rebecca came to him with her bags. “I’ll be back at some point,” he muttered. Peter didn’t want Neal to leave. The only thing that relieved him was that Neal wasn’t taking an overnight bag with him, which meant he wasn't planning on spending the night elsewhere. Peter neared him, trying to kiss him before he left, but Neal shoved him off. “Don’t even try it right now. You aren’t getting a damn thing from me for a while. I have to learn how to man up before I’m good enough for you.”

“Baby, please…”

“You know, calling me ‘baby’ right now is pretty much adding insult to injury, you jackass.”

Peter’s heart broke on his face as he stared into his husband’s eyes, seeing an intense anger and pain there. “Can we talk when you come home?”

Neal simply stared at him with a very hardened, chilling glare. “Are you ready to go?” he asked, focusing on Rebecca. She nodded and he turned to open the door. As he pulled it open and moved aside so Rebecca could go out first, Peter tentatively took his hand. He looked up at Peter and saw the apology in his eyes, but he wasn’t going to accept it just yet. He loves Peter with all of his heart, but he wanted time to be angry and upset.

“I love you,” he whispered, “even if I made you think I don’t.”

Neal wanted to leave without saying a word, but he whispered, “I love you, too.” He left without giving his husband a kiss, but at least he’d told him he loves him. That was a very slight relief to Peter. Neal would come home to him and they’d be okay in the end because Neal still loves him.

Nicky slowly came down the stairs after Neal left and Peter already knew he heard everything. The teenager was more afraid and concerned than anything else as he walked over to Peter and hugged him. He was upset with both of them for what they said to each other, but he always took his dad’s side instead of his poppa’s. This time, he’d comfort Peter for the moment, then he’d leave them to hash out the problem together.

•◊•

When Neal came home, Peter immediately lifted his head to look up. He’d been holding his face in his hands, hunched over on the couch as he waited for Neal. Meeting Neal’s eyes, he could see that Neal had taken a little longer than intended because he’d been crying. “I put the kids to bed,” Peter whispered. Neal nodded, shutting the door and locking it. He dropped his keys onto the table and moved a little closer to Peter. There was still quite the distance between them and Peter wasn’t sure if he was allowed to close that distance. “Honey, I’m really sorry. I was so pissed, but I shouldn’t have said such cruel things…” Neal was silent and Peter’s blood ran cold. He didn’t know how he was going to get himself out of this one. He’d really stepped in it this time. “Neal, say something, please…”

“Something, please,” he said sarcastically.

Peter frowned. “That isn’t what I meant.”

“What would you like me to say, my _master?_ ” Peter stared at him in horror. He’d never wanted Neal to say that to him at any point in their lives. He always tried his damnedest to keep Neal on an equal level, but he’d really put him down earlier. “Perhaps you’d like me on my knees to give your perfect dick a blowjob? Or perhaps you’d like me to be a striptease?”

“Don’t do this,” Peter pleaded. “I’m not your master, Neal.” Neal stared at him critically. “I know I demanded things, but you’re not my slave. You’ve never once been that to me and I’m not going to treat you like that.”

Neal was clearly still pissed off as he said, “Oh, but you’d like to make me your slave, wouldn’t you? You’re so good at making demands—commanding me to do as you wish.” Peter’s heart ached as Neal sounded so bitter. “You’re absolute perfection, my master. Please, oh please, let me suck on your perfection—or please fuck me with it. I’ll do whatever you’d like, my master.”

Peter couldn’t help crying in that moment. He never wanted to belittle Neal to the point where Neal felt like he meant nothing, where he felt like he was Peter’s subordinate. “I’m so sorry, Neal.”

“Yes, master.”

The older man jumped off of the couch then and lunged towards his husband, shoving him against the wall roughly enough to make Neal gasp as his breath rushed out of him. “I’m not your master,” he said thickly. “I know I said things I shouldn’t have said. I can’t tell you how sorry I am. Just please stop calling me your master. It’s making me sick.” The idea of dominating Neal in such a nonconsensual context bothered him. He never considered himself ‘dominating Neal,’ but he knew that he was considered the dominant half since he was the one making love to his husband. Neal was technically his sub, but he’d never say that to Neal because he wanted Neal to be his equal. “You’re my husband, not my slave. I can’t treat you like my slave no matter what happens between us.”

“You treated me like shit and made me feel like shit,” Neal said miserably. “You know I don’t want anyone to hurt my kids. How could you fucking tell me that I don’t care about my own son? You’re such an asshole.” Peter felt like he definitely deserved that from Neal. “I fucking made him, you bastard. He’s my own flesh and blood. If you honestly think I’d allow someone to touch him the way I was touched, you’re a fucking idiot.”

“I am an idiot, Neal. Everything I said was stupid.”

“You’re damn right it was,” Neal snapped, shoving Peter back. “He’s my child and you’re a dick.”

Peter blinked back tears as he nodded. “I know that. Neal, I know you care about him. It was ignorant of me to accuse you of not caring for him.” Neal laughed mirthlessly and that hurt Peter. “I’m sorry that I went that far to get Rebecca out. I could have just taken over and kicked her out, but I was afraid of hurting you in the process.”

Neal laughed again. “How’d that work for you?” Peter frowned, feeling like shit. He knew Neal was in emotional pain right now and it was his fault for accusing Neal of not giving a damn about his own son and for suggesting that Neal was acting like his mother. “I’m going to bed because I’m admittedly really tired. I don’t give a fuck if you sleep with me or not, so you figure that out on your own.”

Before Peter could reply to that, Neal stormed off and headed upstairs. Peter shut his eyes and sighed shakily. After giving his husband a few moments, he finally headed up after him. He went into their bedroom and watched Neal undress and redress himself in his white, sleeveless undershirt and his sweatpants. Neal was completely clothed, so lovemaking was definitely out of the question—not that he even thought they were going to make love during the night. He’d hurt Neal too much. “Are we going to talk about this or are we just…letting it go for right now?” he asked tentatively.

Neal, after sliding underneath the blanket, stared at him blankly. “What is there to talk about? You lied to me every time you said I was a ‘strong man.’ I finally manned up and kicked her out like you wanted me to. You got what you wanted, so you should be satisfied.” He only paused for a moment before looking as though something dawned on him. “Oh, my bad. Hang on. Let me take my pants off for you. That’s one more thing you want and _then_ you’ll be satisfied.”

As Neal slid out of bed and reached for his waistband to shove his pants down, Peter shoved their door to a close and darted over to his husband, grabbing his wrists. He pulled them up and held them firmly between their chests. “You’re angry with me, Neal. I’m not going to force you to have sex with me nor am I going to allow you to go through with sex because you think I want it. Our sex is supposed to be passionate and romantic, Neal, because we love each other.” Neal just stared at him silently and Peter hated himself. “Right now isn’t a good time to have sex. I just want to be with you. I want to talk to you because I know how horribly I messed up, Neal.”

“Fine,” Neal muttered.

Peter released his husband’s wrists and allowed him to sit down on their bed. He stared up at Peter and gestured for him to go on. “Neal, I love you more than you’ll ever know. I’m overly protective of you and I feel so damn guilty for not being able to protect you when you needed me most… I wish I could have protected you, but I can’t change the fact that I failed you.” Neal opened his mouth and Peter shook his head. “I may have failed you repeatedly in the past, but I promised you that I’d protect our children and I’m going to keep that promise to you.” He knelt in front of Neal and took his hands. “You saw how her presence was affecting our son and, like I said, you were the first to jump to the conclusion that Rebecca may have raped our daughter. You know deep down that there’s something psychologically wrong with that woman, Neal. You’re a very smart man, which is part of why I love you. I know you can see something’s wrong with her. I’m not saying that because she’s a rape victim.”

“Then why are you saying it? It sounds to me like you’re saying she’s a psycho because of her rape, which in turn makes me wonder what you think of me because I’ve been raped more times than I care to remember.”

The shudder that coursed through Peter’s body didn’t go unnoticed by Neal and his brows furrowed as he wondered what was going on with Peter just then. “I worry about your health in general—physically, emotionally, and psychologically. You’re my husband and the father of our children.” He lifted his left hand and stroked the side of Neal’s face gently. “I know you have moments when you lose control, but you know I’m here for you when those moments arise. I’ve been with you long enough to know that I’m able to help somehow. The difference between you and Rebecca is that I think she may have been twisted in the aftermath. I think she’s becoming the perpetrator because she wants that sense of control back.” Rubbing his thumb over Neal’s lips, he whispered, “You’ve never wanted that control, honey. You’re not that kind of man. You’re a good, smart man and I’m very proud of you.”

Neal frowned, looking down at his left hand that was still intertwined with Peter’s right. “Do you think something will make me snap? Do you think I’ll become them?”

“No,” Peter said sincerely. “It’s been a little over twenty years since Vincent…hurt you. Look at yourself, honey. I’m looking at you right now and I’m seeing an angel.” Neal shook his head a bit and Peter knew that he wasn’t in agreement. Neal always hated himself. Sometimes, he really hated himself. Peter always tried to make him love himself, but Neal found ways to bring himself down when he’d finally gotten to a point where he was happy. “You raised your son. Never once did you want to touch him sexually. You did your damnedest to keep him safe. When Neil was with us, you were absolutely disgusted by the idea that you might have enjoyed what he did, but you were absolutely repulsed.” He lifted Neal’s left hand and kissed his knuckles. “If you’d wanted to have sex with a child, I’m fairly certain that you would have done it already. I think you’re in an environment that’s moderately stable and healthy. I know I’m an asshole, but I try to make sure you’re happy to be here—with me…”

“I am happy, Peter.”

Peter nodded, sighing shakily. “You’re nothing like Vincent or Craig, my love. You would jump into the fray to save a child from enduring rape. I mean, look at the way you’ve treated the group of kids you got together. You still have them all meet up with you in person sometimes, but you’ve personally contacted the children and their parents.” He smiled sadly at the younger man as he said, “You’ve showed me the emails you sent to them and they’re so heartfelt and you’re so sympathetic and understanding of their situation. If you were intent on doing to a child what Vincent and Craig did to you, then you would probably be luring them to you rather than helping them and helping their parents understand.”

The older man stroked his husband’s cheekbone and Neal blinked back tears. “I love my children,” he whispered. “I would die for any and all of them. Nicky, Brie, Joey… They’re my little rays of sunshine. I can look at their smiling faces and instantly perk up when I’m feeling shitty because I know they love me as much as I love them.” Peter smiled a little more genuinely now and nodded. “I never want to become my mother. I never want to ignore my own child when they need me so desperately.”

“Your mother abandoned you in your time of need and you’ve immediately responded when Nicky’s been threatened in the past. You fought your way out of solitary confinement to rescue your son by trading yourself for him. You’ve personally gone into his schools to speak to a teacher or the principal if there’s an issue.” Neal knew exactly what Peter was going to say next, so he started crying beforehand. “Neal, you allowed yourself to suffer in order to save him.” He brushed Neal’s hair back a bit and whispered, “I am so sorry for saying that you became her. She never did a thing to help you and she knew what was going on all along… You would do whatever it takes to protect the ones you love and I admire that trait in you. I value that trait and hope to God that it never fades.”

Neal let Peter shift them on the bed because he wanted Peter to hold him. Peter crawled onto their bed and laid at its center, holding Neal against him, rubbing his right side slowly. “I’m still really upset with you,” he whispered, sniffling.

“You have every right to be.”

“Don’t you ever accuse me of not caring about my son again,” he said thickly. “I love you, but I will probably walk out on you for a little while—and take the kids with me—the next time you tell me I don’t give a damn about him.”

Peter nodded. “I was wrong,” he admitted. “I shouldn’t have said those things to you and I regret them. I wish I could take them back…” He gently rocked Neal, helping Neal feel a little more at ease with him. “I know what kind of man you are, what kind of father you are. For me to say you don’t care… It was wrong. It was really wrong.”

“I don’t want to forgive you so easily, but it’s a lot harder to hold a grudge against you,” Neal whispered against Peter’s chest. Peter smiled sadly. “I love you, Peter, even when you say things that hurt.”

“I love you for loving me when I’m a jackass,” Peter said softly.

“You love me when I fall apart. Your love is unconditional, so it’s only natural that my love for you is unconditional as well.” He listened to Peter’s heartbeat and loved every beat. “I’m sorry that I made you yell before finally taking action…”

Peter shook his head, cradling the back of Neal’s head. “I’m sorry for yelling at you, which essentially forced you to act. Everything I said was cruel and I know I could have done it a lot more politely…”

Neal shrugged and shifted to cuddle a little closer to his husband. “Either way, I took her to her parents’ house… She isn’t here with us. She can’t make our kids uncomfortable or make you tense now.” Peter stroked Neal’s hair slowly. “I love you, Peter…a lot.”

“I know you do, honey, and I hope you know I love you just as much.” Neal pushed himself up a bit and hovered over Peter. He leaned forward and tentatively kissed the older man. Peter kept his fingers threaded through Neal’s hair as he kissed his husband, knowing this was probably as far as things would go tonight. Either way, he didn’t think he wanted to make love with Neal right now just because he didn’t want Neal to feel like they _need_ to have sex. He wanted Neal to be upset with him as long as Neal wanted to rather than make up for his mistakes by making love to Neal. He would prefer to talk things through with Neal so they could enjoy sex and make it lovemaking.

The younger man pulled away first and he hovered over Peter with his eyes closed. “I do know that,” he whispered. “No matter what you do, I can’t forget that you love me. No matter what you do, I can’t stop loving you, Peter.”

“And no matter what you do, I refuse to let our love fade away. You’re too important to me.” They cuddled again and Peter was grateful. “I don’t want to lose you, Neal.”

“You’ll never lose me,” Neal promised. Peter smiled, liking how soft Neal’s voice was, how full of love it was now. “I’m going to be with you forever.”


	55. Chapter 55

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Following the huge argument between Neal and Peter, things begin to get a little better.

The bedsprings creaked as both men moaned and groaned against each other. They, for the most part, had resolved their issues with each other. There was still some tension, but things weren’t as bad as they had been. They’d gotten into another minor argument while talking to each other and Peter apologized again for starting a fight. Neal was so angry, frustrated, and tense… So he resorted to kissing his husband fiercely, which ended up with a whole lot of discarded clothing on the floor and sweat on their bed sheets. They’d been going at it for almost forty-five minutes now and it felt pretty good to them both.

Neal’s legs were wrapped around Peter and Peter stared down at his husband. Neal’s eyes were shut tightly and he was grinding his teeth as Peter made passionate, intense love to him. “Oh, my God. Oh, my God,” he moaned. “Peter, please.” Peter knew that Neal wasn’t begging him to stop, but he felt like he should pause because he also knew that he was practically pounding into his husband. He didn’t mind getting a little rough as long as Neal was okay with it, but he tried not to be rough with him because he didn’t want to terrify Neal or make him bleed. Neither had happened in a while, but there was always that possibility.

“Come,” Peter whispered as he lowered his face towards the crook of Neal’s neck, kissing and sucking at where his neck and shoulder connect. Neal’s body convulsed beneath the older man as he was coming undone and Peter was quick to follow. They both gasped each other’s names and panted heavily afterwards.

Belatedly, Peter realized he bit his husband. “Peter…” Neal whispered, lifting his hands to cradle the back of Peter’s head with one hand and hold Peter’s shoulder with the other. Peter’s right arm gave him enough room to slide his left arm through to wrap it around Peter’s body, gripping his shoulder.

Peter lightly licked the spot he’d bitten before pulling back to meet his husband’s gaze. He loved the way Neal looked after lovemaking. His hair was a mess and his entire body glistened with sweat. “Unwrap your legs, hon,” Peter whispered. “You’ll cramp your muscles.” He gently reached back to help Neal. His legs had been around Peter’s body for most of their lovemaking, so he didn’t doubt that Neal’s legs were already cramped or in the process of cramping. Once Neal’s legs were on the mattress, Peter sighed quietly, meeting Neal’s eyes again. “How do you feel?”

“Honestly, that helped,” Neal whispered. “I know that probably sounds terrible and it doesn’t give you the excuse to have sex with me after we fight… That relieved a lot of the tension and, honestly, made me happier.”

“Good,” Peter said softly as he leaned down to kiss the younger man gently. “I’m glad _you_ feel better, but I was actually asking about your body, honey. I think I was a little too rough with you. Did I hurt you?”

Neal made a small sound when Peter kissed his jaw. “I feel physically fine. Kind of sore, but I’m fine overall.” Peter nodded and his eyes immediately flickered back up to Neal’s after he pulled out of his husband, which elicited a sharp intake of breath. “I’m okay. Sorry.”

“Neal, did I hurt you?” Neal shook his head. “Would you tell me if I did?” Neal didn’t respond and Peter glared a bit. “Neal George.”

“I don’t want another argument,” Neal whispered sadly. Peter eased up after Neal said that because he knew he’d started each of their arguments thus far. The last thing Neal would want right now is for Peter to yell at him for not telling him that he was hurting. If Peter yelled at him for that, Neal would probably leave their bedroom and sleep on the couch or with Nicky after taking a shower to clean himself up.

Peter nodded, exhaling heavily. “No more arguments, honey. I’m sorry.” He laid his head down on Neal’s chest and closed his eyes. “I love you, Neal… I’m really sorry for what I put you through.” Neal sighed and Peter knew he was irritating his husband again. Neal was tired of the apologies because he’d already forgiven Peter. Peter didn’t forgive himself and he truly understood how Neal felt about himself when he did something he thought was really wrong—like faking his death. Peter had forgiven him then, but Neal wasn’t able to forgive himself.

“You’re going to drive me to drinking or smoking if you keep apologizing.”

The older man rested his right hand on Neal’s abdomen, frowning. “I don’t know how else to fix this. Apologizing frustrates you and making love shouldn’t solve our problems.” He kissed Neal’s sweaty chest and murmured, “I want you to be happy with me, baby. I feel like I make you miserable.”

“If you made me miserable, I wouldn’t be here—lying in bed with you after making love with you. I would have left a long time ago if I were unhappy.” Peter wanted to make a comment about Neal staying with Keller for so long and Neal knew it. He just hoped to God that Peter didn’t make that comment because _that_ would definitely start another fight. He was silently challenging Peter to say it. Peter knew that the only reason he’d stayed with Keller through all of his misery at the time was because Neal thought he was ‘the one’ and he was too afraid to leave the man who was abusing his heart, mind, and body.

“Okay,” Peter whispered, knowing by how tense Neal had suddenly gotten that Neal was aware of what he was thinking. “Neal, you know I love you just the way you are, right? You know you never have to change yourself for me?”

“Sure,” Neal muttered.

Peter pushed himself up and looked directly at Neal’s face, hating the frown he saw there. “I do love you as you are. I’ve never wanted you to change for me, Neal. I’ve occasionally worried that you would try to hide your pain from me because you thought I considered you unmanly. I’m glad you can openly cry with me, Neal, because you need that emotional release sometimes.”

Neal lifted his left hand to stroke the side of Peter’s face gently. “You made me feel weak earlier,” he whispered, “when you told me to man up.” Peter nodded, bowing his head. He knew that was what he’d implied, which definitely hurt Neal for good reason. He always told Neal that he was strong because he’d survived so much hell, yet he went ahead and essentially called him weak. “I’ve always felt comfortable crying with you because you just let me cry. You…told me to stop.”

The older man rolled to straddle his husband, resting one hand on Neal’s chest while stroking the side of Neal’s face simultaneously. “Don’t,” he pleaded quietly. “I don’t want you to keep everything inside. I’ve never wanted you to do that.” He rubbed his thumb over Neal’s lips and blinked back tears of his own. He hated that he made Neal want to close up around him. They’ve always been close, then he had to snap at Neal for crying… “Don’t shut me out,” he begged. “You… We’re married. We shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells around each other—and I don’t want you to do that because of something stupid I said.”

“You were obviously tired of my crying. I should probably work on containing it anyway. It isn’t like you have a breakdown every five minutes, so why should I?”

Peter shook his head as his tears slowly dripped down onto Neal’s chest. Neal’s eyes widened as he realized that his husband was crying at that very moment. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered. He backed off of Neal and put a little distance between them. Neal sat up and looked at his husband concernedly. He hadn’t expected this, to see Peter so upset. He knew Peter was sensitive at times, but he was especially sensitive when it came to _them._ “I deserve this. I… I just…” He made a sound of frustration and slid off of the bed.

Neal watched Peter get his boxers on and he quickly got out of bed as well. “Peter,” he said, standing in front of him. He rested his hands on Peter’s chest and stared at his face. Peter wasn’t making eye contact and that really worried Neal. “Where are you going?”

“I just need to give you space.”

“That’s your way of saying you think I want you to leave me alone, isn’t it?” Peter didn’t respond and Neal slid his arms around Peter’s torso, hugging him tightly. “Peter, don’t leave,” he whispered.

“I was just going downstairs. I’m not leaving you, our home, or our children.”

Neal frowned, feeling awful. He knew how hard Peter took things like this. He didn’t particularly feel fired up anymore, so he had no desire to make Peter hurt this much. Earlier, he wanted Peter to feel bad. Now, he wanted Peter to just relax with him. “I don’t want you to go somewhere else,” he said quietly. “I want you with me. I want to touch you, hold you… I just want to be with you.”

Peter kissed Neal’s hair, sighing. “Okay, my little teddy.” Neal grinned against Peter while blinking back tears. He knew they’d be okay. He wasn’t holding this against Peter nor did he really want to. They had their issues every now and then, but they’re soulmates. They knew they could pull through—always.

•◊•

Nicky went downstairs, rubbing his eyes tiredly. He’d just woken up and he was hungry. He was hungry because he could smell someone—probably Neal—making breakfast. He was glad his dad was back home, but he wondered if his dad and poppa made up yet. It really worried him because he didn’t want them to separate. He paused when he heard Neal chuckling in the kitchen. “Peter!” Neal cried out quietly, his voice sounding high pitched.

The teenager was confused when he heard both of his parents snickering. “You said you were tired,” Peter said teasingly. “Trying to wake you up, baby.”

“By trying to reach down my pants?” Peter laughed lightly. Nicky heard what sounded like kissing and then his dad was moaning. He wasn’t sure if he should feel awkward or relieved. He didn’t need to hear them talking or acting like this, but it was nice to know that they were okay after the huge fight they had last night. “Oh, Peter…” Neal whispered. Nicky raised an eyebrow because he could still hear kissing sounds, but Neal was speaking, which told him that he was probably going to find a hickey on his father’s neck.

“I love you,” Peter whispered a few moments later.

Nicky shifted around a bit to peer into the kitchen and he saw Peter standing behind Neal with his arms around Neal’s waist. Neal was smiling up at Peter as he whispered in response, “I love you just as much.” Peter pecked his lips and smiled softly at him. A moment later, Neal’s eyes locked onto his son and his face heated up. “Oh, uh… Hey, kid.”

Peter glanced in Nicky’s direction and smiled at their son. “Good morning, little buddy.”

Both of his fathers were shirtless and there was a brand new bite mark near Neal’s shoulder, so Nicky inferred that they were definitely okay. “Good morning.” He went into the kitchen and his parents separated enough to give him a hug. “You guys are okay now?” he asked, just to be sure.

“Yeah,” Neal answered. “I’m sorry that we were yelling last night.” He glanced up at Peter and Peter kissed him a moment later. “Poppa and I talked a lot throughout the night.”

Nicky nodded. “Among other things.”

Neal raised an eyebrow and looked up at Peter again. “Your poppa is to blame for the bite you see. He’s an animal sometimes.”

“Wow. Who’s indiscreet now, darling?”

The younger man smiled to himself a bit and Peter rubbed his back. “So… What’s going to happen now?” Nicky asked quietly.

Peter glanced at their son, answering with, “You’re still going to school and we’re still going to work. Uncle Mozzie and Uncle Mike are coming over to babysit your brother and sister.” Peter hadn’t spoken with Michael in quite some time. While he was trying to repair his relationship with Neal after Neal returned to the living, Peter avoided Michael. Neal had gone to his half-brother instead of his husband when he was planning to draw Craig out. To an extent, Peter resented Michael and he didn’t particularly know why. He is Neal’s brother after all…

Nicky sighed and Neal chuckled. “Yes, Nick. We all still have responsibilities to attend to.” Peter rubbed his husband’s back again, finding his gaze locked onto his husband’s ass. He loved Neal for forgiving him and he was extremely grateful to the fact that Neal even wanted to make love with him. He would never force his husband by any means, but he really craved sex with Neal after each time they made love. “Breakfast is almost ready, then we all need to get ready for school and work.”

The teenager nodded and went out to sit at their dining room table while he waited for his dad to finish the scrambled eggs. “Neal?” Peter asked quietly. Neal glanced up at him for a brief moment to acknowledge him before working on the eggs. “Do you want me to take you off of Kramer’s case? I don’t want him hurting you anymore.”

“Will you still work with him on it if I’m not?” Peter hesitated and Neal was quick to add, “No. We’re a team, Peter. We’ve been a team since the beginning and I’m not—” He bit his lip, cutting himself off. Peter was concerned as he stepped closer to his husband, wrapping his arms around him in an attempt to get him to speak again. Very quietly, Neal whispered, “I’m not comfortable with the idea of you two working together if I’m not around.”

Peter gave him a small smile. “You know I’m yours. There’s no one else I could ever possibly love the way I love you.” Neal shifted the pan the eggs were on and Peter pulled him close a moment later, kissing his neck once before mouthing his skin gently, slowly. “No one can ever replace you. I love you, honey. Soulmates—that’s meant to last forever, Neal.”

Neal chuckled, loving how warm Peter’s lips were on his skin. “I know, babe.” He rested his hands over Peter’s and whispered, “I trust you. I’m not that insecure anymore.” Peter laughed lightly, knowing Neal was just saying that. “Well, at least I was honest about the part where I said I trust you, jerk.”

The older man kissed Neal’s jaw before pulling away. “I can’t cheat on you. I couldn’t cheat on El when I started to have feelings for you.” Neal turned around to face him and Peter took his left hand. “I dissolved that marriage because it wasn’t real—there was no true love in that marriage.” He lifted Neal’s hand and bent over a bit, kissing the wedding ring on his finger. “This _is._ ” He straightened up a moment later, but he kept his hold on Neal’s hand. “I wouldn’t trade you for anyone. No matter how angry we get with each other or much anyone could ever slander you or bribe me, I can’t leave you.”

“Wow. Have you been bribed to leave me?”

“No, but there’s always that possibility that Dan will come back and try to win your heart back even though he never had it in the first place.” Neal smiled, knowing that Peter was a little jealous of Dan only because Dan had once proposed to Neal. He realized that his whole life right now could be completely different if he’d married Dan instead of marrying Peter.

Neal took Peter’s left hand in his, lifted it, and kissed his wedding ring this time. “Dan wouldn’t make it beyond being rejected after the proposal. You hit a homerun, my love.”

Peter made a sound of disagreement just as Nicky came back into the kitchen. “I hit the jackpot. Homeruns are a little more common than jackpots, I think. I won the one man I could spend my life with on the very first man.”

“And I’m yours forever,” he whispered, kissing his husband’s lips gently before grabbing dishes from the cabinets to dish out breakfast. While Peter and Nicky ate, he went up to get the twins and fed them before he fed himself. He found the sad sentiment in that, unintentionally realizing that he’d almost died for his son. After the blowout between him and Peter last night, he knew he was right. He knew he cares about his son. Peter was wrong—even though Peter admitted to being wrong. Neal loves all three of his children. Children in general have always been his priority. His biggest fear was that something would happen to him while he was trying to care for children. He was afraid of dying when he’d been with Nicky because he knew what the consequences of his death would be, but they pulled through.

He shook his head to get himself out of that entire thought process. He didn’t think it was healthy to reflect on something so disastrous when he was with his family and they were having a nice morning. As long as the remainder of the day didn’t go to hell, it should be a nice day…

•◊•

Neal and Peter led the Harvard crew and Kramer as they neared a warehouse. They could hear a printing press inside and they had a warrant. With Neal providing evidence that Shane Debora was involved in this particular crime, they could go in with probable cause. Neal didn’t answer Kramer’s question about where he’d gotten his evidence and he was surprised that Kramer didn’t push him to answer.

Peter met his husband’s gaze as they took up either side of the doorway. He’d warned them that Debora wasn’t going to be armed, but he probably had men who would be. Nodding subtly, Neal kicked the door in. It looked weak and he didn’t feel the need for some probie to run in and bash it open. He and Peter were a little more experienced, so they were at the head.

“FBI!” Peter and Neal both yelled upon entering the warehouse. Whenever they made a bust and did the ‘FBI’ bit at the same time, they thought it was kind of funny.

“Drop your weapons!” Peter said as the Harvard crew came barreling in. The men in front of them immediately laid their guns down. They knew they were outgunned and they more than likely didn’t have enough training with a gun. As FBI agents, they were supposed to have skill when it came to guns. Both Neal and Peter had good aim because they’d put effort into their training at Quantico, which is why they both ended up at the top of their respective classes.

Neal moved on ahead and met Debora’s gaze. Needless to say, he looked surprised as hell to see Neal on the opposing team. “Caffrey?” he said incredulously.

“Burke,” he corrected.

Glancing past Debora, he could see a whole stack of manuscripts that were no doubt forgeries. “You sold me out to the Feds? Man, can’t you remember everything we did together?”

Peter joined Neal as Neal holstered his gun. “Just go willingly and this won’t be as extreme as it could be.” He kept staring at Neal disbelievingly. They’d run cons together when Neal was younger, so he couldn’t understand why Neal had gotten himself on the other side or why he’d ratted him out.

A probie came over with cuffs and cuffed Debora. Peter kept his gun out in case things suddenly became violent. He wanted to have a faster response. “Neal, how could you turn me in like this?”

Neal lowered his gaze to the floor as Debora was led out with his accomplices. Peter watched his husband, concerned. “He tried to get me to have sex with him when I was seventeen. I didn’t, of course, and Mozzie found out. He propositioned me subtly right in front of Moz, so Moz showed him what happens when somebody within our circle messes with me.”

“What exactly did Mozzie do? I can’t see the midget causing much damage to that guy.”

“He’s pretty skilled with a corkscrew.” Peter raised an eyebrow and Neal grinned. “He’s got a lot of fire in that little body of his. That’s why he always threatened you early in our relationship.” Peter paled a bit and Neal shook his head. “He wouldn’t do much to you because he knew how I felt about you, but he might’ve roughed you up a bit.”

Peter asked, “Has he ever killed anyone? He threatened to kill me quite a bit.”

Neal waved that off, laughing. “Mozzie couldn’t kill anything even if he wanted to.” He began to head back towards the manuscripts with Peter following him. Peter holstered his gun now that all of the criminals were out of the vicinity. “Here we are,” Neal said as he stood over the stack of manuscripts. He picked up a few pieces and flipped through the pages, nodding. “Even if I didn’t know any better, these are forged. He didn’t even bother to get the ink correct on these. That’s really sloppy work for a forger.”

The older man looked amused when Neal glanced up at him. “If you weren’t an FBI agent, I could easily see you becoming a forger yourself. Your art is beautiful and there’s no doubt in my mind that you could replicate other pieces of art and fence them.”

“You give me a lot more credit than I deserve,” he said as he chuckled. “Once upon a time, I worked as an authenticator. Only reason I lost the job was because Nicky was four at the time and I kept leaving to go home and take care of him. My boss didn’t understand the concept of: ‘hey, my kid is sick. I’m a single father and I need to go home.’”

Peter was surprised. He and Neal hadn’t spoken about Neal’s previous jobs because he enjoyed working as an FBI agent so much. “That’s really inconsiderate of your former boss.” He kissed Neal’s forehead, murmuring, “What do you think of your new boss?”

“He’s very, very considerate,” Neal whispered, giving him a small smile. “I really like my new boss.”

Kramer cleared his throat and the couple didn’t even react to it. Peter wanted this playfulness with Neal. After all of the arguments and tension, he needed to tease Neal. “Are they forged?”

Peter nodded, glancing at Neal. “Yes.” He showed the documents to Kramer and pointed out the ink to the older man and Kramer actually looked surprised. “It doesn’t match the original that was inputted into the FBI database. The letters slant and the ink isn’t as sharp.” He went on to explain how the crispness of the forged piece itself gave it away and Peter was thoroughly impressed. He and Neal don’t deal with much art anymore. They occasionally recover pieces, but they hardly worked with forgeries.

“You should be in the Arts Crimes division.” The interruption was so abrupt that it startled Neal. Peter’s brows furrowed and he wondered why Kramer would even say that considering the fact that he dislikes Neal and made it very obvious. “We could definitely use your intelligence and good eye for detail.”

Neal glanced at Peter, silently asking ‘what the hell?’ Peter shrugged subtly. “Uh, as much as I appreciate the comment, I’m already happy working in the White Collar division.”

“Have you seen DC, Neal?” Neal knew that was a rhetorical question, so he didn’t answer. “Wouldn’t you prefer to prestige of DC over the monotony of New York?”

“This is my home. My family and I live here—and DC offers nothing to Peter at this point. I’d prefer to live in the same state as my husband and children.” He knew he could drive down and back before and after work, but he would hardly get any time with his family. He’d have to leave very early in the morning if he wanted to get there on time, then he would work normal hours and have to make the drive back home—just to go to bed for a couple hours before heading back down.

Kramer shook his head. “You’re wasting your talents here.”

Neal raised an eyebrow. “I haven’t had the opportunity to use my ‘talents’ very much. I didn’t train for this. I trained for the field.” Peter knew that Neal didn’t want to work with Kramer anyway. He’d love to take up a job in Art Crimes, but he wanted it to be in New York if possible. “I’m content with the way things are right now.”

By the time they’d returned to the bureau offices, Peter was furious. Kramer kept attempting to coax Neal into taking a DC job. Neal was adamant in saying no, but Peter was pissed because he couldn’t understand why Kramer came to New York and absolutely loathed Neal, but he definitely didn’t understand why Kramer would be offering Neal a job in the Art Crimes division. “Neal, just go do something productive,” he snapped when he glanced at his husband. They were in his office and Neal was sitting across from him on the other side of the desk. “Sitting here with me, watching me fume over this isn’t going to help anything.”

“You’re my husband. You’re angry and I don’t want to let you deal with this alone. I know you can handle your anger at times, but this is different.” Peter shook his head, wondering why his husband was so willing to sit here with him as he stewed over everything Kramer was doing as of late. After everything they’d gone through lately as a couple, he felt like Neal should want to spend as much time away from him as possible. Even though they were making love and going about their daily activities as per usual, things were still a _little_ tense. “You asked me not to shut you out. Now I’m asking you not to shut me out, Peter.”

Peter groaned in frustration and Neal got up, circling around the desk until he was standing beside Peter. “I don’t like that he came here with the intention of bringing us a case because he ended up insulting your past. He criticized you for your rapes. None of that was your God damn fault. Life fucked you over and you were trying to make the best of a bad situation.” Neal curled his fingers around Peter’s neck, rubbing his thumb over his warm skin. “He does all of that. He makes you fucking cry and now he’s offering you a God damn job. This is absolute bullshit.”

Neal leaned down and kissed Peter’s hair, whispering, “Peter, I have you. I have you and our kids. I’m happy here.” He sighed quietly and added, “I don’t need anything else.”

The older man figured there had to be some kind of endgame that Kramer had in mind when it came to Neal and he didn’t like that. They’d just kicked Rebecca out of their home and cleared the air—kind of—of their drama with her. Peter still had the feeling that Rebecca would do something to Neal. If anything were to happen to Neal, the first person he’d go after would be Rebecca. She had the most motivation to do something. Peter had the feeling that she wouldn’t hurt Neal, but there was no telling. Her mental stability was just…off. She became so unpredictable after she’d cornered Neal several years ago.

“I’m glad this case is over,” he said firmly. “Maybe he’ll finally go away and give us the peace we had before he came.” He tentatively shifted his chair back, giving Neal enough time to move aside. When he turned his chair, Neal was standing right in front of him with a look of concern on his face. Scooting closer, Peter wrapped his arms around Neal and pressed his head against Neal’s abdomen, hugging him. “You and I need a vacation.”

Neal chuckled, stroking Peter’s hair. “As much as I’d love that, I think I’d have an anxiety attack if we were away from the kids for, like, a week.” Peter smiled, knowing that was true. He himself would miss their kids after a week away from them. They’d spend the whole vacation worrying about the kids. Neal was a little anxious when they went on their two-day honeymoon. A whole week would probably give him a heart attack. “When the twins are older, maybe we could go on a family vacation. I hope Nick still likes us by that point because I’d love it if he came with us.”

Peter nuzzled his face against Neal’s abdomen. “I want to go to Paris with you. I know you’ve always wanted to go there with me.” He kissed Neal’s abdomen, whispering, “You and I are going to get a hotel room—a good hotel room—and I’m going to make love to you while whispering endearing words in your ear.” He deliberately paused, knowing that he was thrilling Neal with this idea. “I’ll learn some French.”

“I can teach you, my love,” Neal said softly.

The older man chuckled. “Of course you know French. Silly me.” He sat back and looked up at his husband, sliding his hands back to hold Neal’s hips. “Oh, honey… I think we really need that time together. You, me, the beautiful city of Paris… Believe me when I say I love the kids, but I’d love to have a couple days when it’s just us.”

“Nicky’s older now and Moz or El would probably be willing to watch them.” Peter could see the reluctance in his husband, knowing that Neal had gone to France once before after Nicky was born. He’d gone with Dan and that had been where he’d dumped Dan via a note he left in the bedroom. He’d felt really guilty then because he was leading Dan on and he wasn’t home to see his son for several days. Mozzie would have become a wonderful father if he so chose to settle down and have children, but Neal knew that was wishful thinking. Mozzie preferred to be an uncle. Nonetheless, he appreciated that there were babysitters available and that he and Peter are a committed, married couple. He wouldn’t go to France with the sickening feeling that he was doing something wrong.

Being with Peter was never wrong. It honestly felt so right even when Peter pissed him off. “Maybe we could go for a week sometime soon. I don’t know when, but we just… We need _us_ time.”

Neal nodded, giving his husband a small smile. “I don’t know about France right now, but we could go spend a couple nights in a hotel room around here and pretend we’re in Paris.”

Peter rolled his eyes. “I want to save the experience,” he said softly.

“Pft. We wouldn’t even experience the same thing in Paris that we could in a hotel room here. Paris is such a beautiful location in and of itself. New York has its moments as well, but Paris… I don’t think anything can really compare.”

The older man took his husband’s hands in his, lifting them to kiss his knuckles. “We should explore Europe for a week—not just Paris.” Neal raised an eyebrow. Peter wasn’t really the kind of guy who liked traveling all over the place. It made him wonder why Peter was all for this idea. “I haven’t been over there, but I know I’d like to go with you. Anything I do for the first time… It has to be with you. You’d make every place we visit so special. I wouldn’t be able to take in the sights of the cities because I’d have such a beautiful sight right beside me.”

Neal grinned at him, murmuring, “Awe,” as he leaned forward to kiss his husband. “My big teddy bear. That’s why I love you.” Peter meant every word of it and that was even better in Neal’s mind. He was growing accustomed to receiving compliments from Peter, but they always made butterflies flutter in his stomach. “I’d love to go so many places with you,” he whispered when they separated. He straightened up, smiling lovingly at his husband. “We’ll have to figure out when we can or should go.”

The younger man went on to talk about how exciting it would be to go anywhere with Peter, how beautiful the cities would be, et cetera. He just didn’t know when they could put all of this together. He didn’t know that Peter had something in mind already.


	56. Chapter 56

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal receives some saddening news.

“You think he’ll like this?”

Peter raised an eyebrow as he glanced at his son. “Don’t you know your dad?” Nicky glared at him before glancing at the laptop screen again. “He’s a romantic. I know he just loves being anywhere, doing anything as long as it’s romantic.” Smiling at his son, he added, “Your dad is a very passionate man. He deserves good things in life and I’m hoping this will be good.”

Nicky nodded. “When are you planning on doing this?”

“I thought about taking him for our fourth wedding anniversary, but that’s four months away.”

The teenager shrugged and said, “Well, if you wait four months, I know he won’t be expecting it. That’d be a nice surprise.” Peter chuckled, nodding. His son had a point there. “You just talked to him about it, so he’ll be thinking about it for a little while. If you wait, he’ll totally push it back in his mind and you can surprise him.”

Peter leaned over and kissed his son’s hair, murmuring, “You’re just as intelligent and sweet as your father.” Nicky grinned snuggling up to his poppa. Neal was out with Mozzie for a little bit, which left Peter to plot on his own. He decided to share his ideas with their son because Nicky was always his go-to person when it came to surprising Neal. He usually had an idea in the process, but Nicky always made cute suggestions that Peter loved. Peter knew Nicky was going to be a romantic just like his dad and that was a beautiful thing for Neal to pass on to his son. “You don’t think this is too fancy for him or anything?”

“I think it’s perfect. The hotel is nice and isn’t extremely expensive—not that the price is a big deal since daddy has a lot of money now.” Peter cringed a bit. He knew how much Neal resented that money and he rarely touched that part of their account. The only time he used it was when he needed to go all out and buy things for the kids. What made Neal hate it was that it was money Vincent passed on to him post mortem. “He’ll really like the restaurant you showed me and you know dad likes wine when he actually drinks it.” He winked up at Peter as he said, “Try not to get dad too drunk.”

Smirking, Peter said, “Your dad hasn’t gotten drunk in a while. The hangovers aren’t fun though, so I’m going to watch how much he drinks.” Peter glanced up from the laptop when Brie and Joey started throwing a fit. Joey hit Brie—for the third time since they’d woken up. Peter closed the laptop and Nicky shifted aside, letting Peter get up. Peter got on his hands and knees beside the twins and noticed that Brie’s nose was bleeding. “Oh, God. Your dad is going to kill me.”

He picked his daughter up while Nicky snickered on the couch. Peter took her into the kitchen and grabbed a cloth, shifting her onto his hip so he could wipe the blood away. It sounded like she said, “Pa,” and Peter’s heart fluttered. It was close enough to ‘poppa’ and he’d already trained them to say ‘dada’ for Neal. He was trying to teach them early on that Neal is ‘daddy’ and he’s ‘poppa.’ It didn’t take very long for Nicky to get used to saying that instead of his name, but that was also because Nicky had time to adjust to Peter living with him and Neal for so long. He’d gotten to know Peter and he understood some things that made him love Peter more for being there. He knew several years ago that his dad was going to marry Peter, so he figured calling Peter ‘poppa’ was okay.

“Don’t tell daddy and I’ll be the one reading you a book before bed tonight,” he murmured, kissing her forehead after her nosebleed finished. “Daddy will probably beat me with your bottle if he finds out that you got hurt while he wasn’t home.” Brie giggled, reaching up to touch Peter’s face when he shifted her to hold her against his chest. Peter loved this. He felt like such a bad father at times, but he knew his kids love him as much as they love Neal.

Rejoining his sons in the living room, he watched them for a moment. Nicky was playing with his little brother and Peter thought it was one of the cutest things he’s ever seen. The teenager has been a great big brother thus far, but Peter and Neal mostly played with the twins. Watching Nicky interact with his brother was adorable. “Joey,” he said softly, poking his brother’s stomach to make him giggle. “Joey boy.” Nicky pulled the baby into his lap and grabbed one of his toys, holding it in front of him. “I had something like this when I was little, too,” he murmured. “Daddy and poppa are going to spoil you and Brie. Daddy especially.” He giggled a bit when he said, “Daddy spoiled the crap out of me and I know it. He can’t help it. I just hope you realize later on that everything he’ll ever do is because he loves you a lot.”

Joey giggled, making baby noises. Nicky just smiled at the boy as he played with him. Peter stood there, wishing he’d recorded that. Neal would _love_ to hear his son say what he did. Whenever Neal was in one of his moods where he felt like he failed his son, Peter could’ve just replayed this moment repeatedly to prove to Neal that Nicky understood and he is grateful to Neal for a lot of things.

When Brie made a sound, Nicky startled and looked up. His face immediately heated up when he saw the sweet smile on Peter’s face. He knew Peter heard him. “Your father would’ve loved that,” Peter said quietly. He moved to join his sons on the floor, sitting with Brie in his lap. He reached over and stroked Nicky’s hair for a moment, whispering, “You’re a wonderful young man, Nick. I hope you know that.” Nicky blushed and lowered his gaze as he smiled goofily. Peter lifted his hand and cradled the back of Nicky’s head, smiling softly at him. “It may not matter all that much, but I’m very proud of who you’re becoming, Nicky. You’re going to be a good man like dad.”

Nicky scooted closer to Peter while holding Joey against him. “It does matter, poppa. Stuff you say means a lot to me.” Peter wrapped his arm around Nicky, grinning at him. “Like I always tell you, you’re more than a stepdad to me. When you and dad started dating, it felt like you were supposed to be in our lives.” That really touched Peter. “When I saw some of the guys he was with in the middle of the night, it never felt like that. As soon as you came into my life, I knew I was gonna love you. That’s why I kept trying to encourage you and dad.” He closed his eyes and nuzzled his face against Peter’s chest. “Everyone always felt like they were wrong for dad. When I met you and saw how you were with dad, it felt like you were in my life all my life.”

Peter blinked back tears as he whispered, “I love you, Nicky. I’ve loved you for as long as I’ve loved your father.”

The teenager smiled, opening his eyes to look up at his poppa. “You’re a great poppa. I love you a lot. Brie and Joey are gonna love you this much, too.” There was a moment of silence between them as Peter lifted his other hand to wipe his tears away. Nicky just watched him, smiling at him all the while. He knew how much Peter doubted his ability to father him and his brother and sister, so he knew he had to remind Peter how wrong he is. “If I lost you, it’d feel the same as it would feel if I lost dad. You mean as much to me as he does.” He knew Peter felt like Neal was better than him and Nicky didn’t see it that way at all. “The only reason I get anxious without him is because I was with him when I almost lost him. He almost died trying to save me, poppa. I know how it feels to watch him suffer and I don’t like being somewhere without him because I’m afraid that I’ll lose him.”

“I know,” Peter whispered. “What you and dad went through together… Nick, I completely understand and I know I’d feel the same way if I were you.” Sometimes, he was really upset because of how much Nicky relies on Neal, but he did know the reasons why. He understood that Nicky needed Neal just to know he’s alive and well.

“Dad isn’t better than you no matter what you think,” Nicky whispered. “I’ve had him longer, but, like I said, it feels like you’ve been here just as long. I don’t love dad more than I love you and I don’t love you more than I love him. You’re both my fathers and I love you both equally.”

Peter laughed lightly, nodding. “I know, Nick. It’s like loving you and your siblings. I don’t love any one of you over the other two. You’re all my children.”

Nicky nodded. “You need to tell yourself that you’re a good father, poppa. When dad does something that resolves an issue with one of us, it doesn’t mean you’re not doing a good job.” He lowered his gaze as he whispered, “I went to you when I was having nightmares. I love my dad, but I needed you then. You were always right there when I needed you, poppa.”

“I’ll always be there when you need me—and when you don’t need me, too.”

The teenager looked up at his poppa again. “And that’s one reason why you’re a good poppa.”

•◊•

When Neal finally came home, he was in a sleeveless shirt, shorts, and dripping with sweat. “Good lord. What the hell happened to you?”

Neal grunted at his husband quietly as he shut the door. “Moz took me to the gym instead of ‘shopping.’” Peter raised an eyebrow as he heard his husband mutter, “Little son of a bitch,” under his breath.

“I don’t understand why he thinks you needed to go to the gym. You get a lot of cardio and exercise in our bedroom.” Neal smirked at him. “Go shower up, baby. I started dinner. The twins are probably ready to get up from their nap and I think Nick’s playing downstairs.”

“Oh, I don’t get a kiss?” he asked, pouting. “Wow. I come home from a long, grueling afternoon with my friend who lied to me about where we were going and I don’t even get a kiss from my husband.”

Peter rolled his eyes, crossing the room to wrap his arms around the younger man, kissing him passionately. He licked across Neal’s lips and was thrilled when Neal’s lips parted, giving him entrance. Their tongues danced in Neal’s mouth until they needed to breathe. “Welcome home,” Peter said breathlessly.

Neal looked very satisfied and that made Peter’s heart flutter. “Now _that’s_ what I’m talkin’ about.”

The older man rolled his eyes again and swatted Neal’s ass. “Go take a shower. Clean up so I can get you messy again later.” Neal winked at him, pecking his lips once more before heading upstairs to do as his husband asked. He was planning on taking a shower anyway, but he thought it was cute when Peter told him he would get messy later.

It only took him ten minutes to shower, get dressed, and head back downstairs. “Babe,” he called out quietly. Peter poked his head out of the kitchen doorway and made a sound of acknowledgment. “Hey, sexy man.” Peter smiled wryly at him. “I’m all clean now.”

Peter nodded his head, gesturing for Neal to come into the kitchen with him. Neal grinned and darted over to him. As soon as Neal was close enough, Peter grabbed his sides and lifted him onto the countertop, kissing him passionately once again. Neal held the sides of Peter’s face in his hands and their eyes closed as they lost themselves in the sensations they were giving each other. Peter stood between Neal’s legs and was thrusting gently against Neal’s left leg. His right hand held Neal’s left knee while his left hand slid around Neal’s body, resting on the small of his back.

Neal was so turned on and he was glad his husband felt the same way. They were practically ravaging each other before they _had_ to break away and calm down. Their hearts were racing and they were breathing heavily. “Wow,” Peter whispered.

Their eyes were locked onto the other man and Neal smiled at his husband. “You are a very good kisser,” he murmured.

Peter wrapped his arms around Neal and scooted him closer until their chests were touching. Neal was still sitting atop the counter, but Peter was hugging him warmly. “Only for the man who deserves my kisses,” he whispered. “You aren’t too bad yourself, my love.”

Neal smiled, closing his eyes as he rested his head on Peter’s shoulder. He’d really missed his family and he was glad things between him and Peter were okay now. Drama never made things fun. Neither of them liked being upset with the other because they knew they were better than that. They were better than petty arguments. Their relationship was strong enough to endure the worst storm and they both knew it. “I’m really happy to know that I have you and our kids to come home to every single day.”

The older man slid Neal off of the countertop, but held him up. Neal’s arms wound around Peter’s neck and his legs crossed behind Peter as he chuckled quietly. His eyes flashed and that thrilled Peter to no end. He loved when his husband was this happy. “I can’t see myself coming home to anyone else but you,” he whispered. Neal nuzzled their noses together before kissing Peter gently. “I mean, seriously. How could I possibly pass this up? I love holding you against me like this. I love spending time with you, honey. We have a family together and I’m happy with everything we have here.”

“Regardless of what’s happened between us in the past, we’ll always have each other. We’re soulmates, babe.” Peter kissed him this time and Neal’s heart pounded in his chest. “Every fight, every argument, every disagreement… They’ve only made us stronger because we take the time to talk it out and understand why it happened.” He rubbed his thumbs over the back of Peter’s neck slowly. “No matter what, we’ve always been able to get through hell time and time again.”

“Hey, dad.”

Peter and Neal startled. They didn’t realize their son had come upstairs. The older man carefully lowered his husband’s legs until his feet touched the floor. Their faces were slightly flushed, but only because they were caught by their teenage son. It was preferred that they kept their ‘sexual’ moments to themselves. “Hey, kiddo.” He opened his arms up for his son and Nicky went right to him, hugging him tightly. “Hope you and the little ones were good for your poppa today.”

Nicky nodded against his father. “Yes, dad.”

Neal glanced at his husband, raising an eyebrow to silently ask how they were today. Peter just smiled at him and Neal nodded. “Poppa started dinner. Why don’t you go get ready to eat while I head up to wake up the twins?”

“Sure thing.” Nicky looked at his poppa and teasingly said, “Let’s just hope poppa doesn’t burn it this time.”

“Sheesh,” Peter said. “I burn the pizza one time and you all hold it against me.”

Neal chuckled. “The pizza, the rice, the lasagna… Hon, the list is endless.” Peter glared at his husband noncommittally. Wrapping his right arm around his husband while pressing his left hand over Peter’s heart, he said, “But we still love you. You may not be as talented in cooking as you are in other aspects of life, but you’re a very lovable man.”

Peter swatted Neal’s ass, eliciting a quiet yelp from his husband. In response, Neal smacked Peter’s chest playfully, shaking his head. “Awe.”

“‘Awe’ my ass, Burke.”

The older man winked as he whispered, “I did, _Burke._ ”

Nicky made a small sound and rolled his eyes. “You guys are so inappropriate at times. First, I come in here to find you doing it in the—”

“We weren’t doing it,” Neal and Peter both said.

The teenager raised an eyebrow as his fathers glanced at each other and smiled sheepishly. “You get the twins. I’ll check on the food.” Neal nodded and Peter quickly pecked Neal’s cheek before heading over to the oven.

Neal headed out of the kitchen with his son in tow and they headed upstairs. Nicky was going to help his dad, knowing how hard it was to hold both babies at once. The teenager watched his father lean over Joey’s crib, whispering, “Joey. Baby boy, it’s time to get up.” He reached in and carefully pulled Joey up from the mattress, holding him against his chest a moment later. Joey made small whining sounds and Neal hushed him gently, rubbing his back. “Daddy’s home,” he murmured. “It’s almost time to eat and I’m sure you’re hungry.”

Nicky held his arms out when Neal turned a bit and Neal smiled at his oldest son, handing the younger one to him. Nicky looked so comfortable and that warmed Neal’s heart. He knew Nicky wanted siblings and he could see that Nicky was going to be an amazing older brother as the twins grew up. The age difference was a little extreme, but Nicky loves his brother and sister. “Want me to take him downstairs and have poppa set up the highchairs?”

“Yeah. I’ll grab your sister and head down in a sec.” He watched his sons leave and added, “Careful on the stairs, Nicky.”

Nicky said, “I know what I’m doing, dad,” with an undercurrent of irritation.

Neal just shook his head. It was such a habit to panic about his baby’s well-being when said baby wasn’t in his arms. Whenever anyone else held Nicky when Nicky was a baby, he nearly had an anxiety attack. The last thing he wanted was for one of his children to be dropped onto the floor. He’d never dropped Nicky, but he trusted his son to keep Joey safe.

Shifting a bit, he leaned over Brie’s crib. “Princess,” he whispered, touching her stomach. As soon as he did, her eyes flew open. Neal hadn’t been expecting such a quick response, but he couldn’t help grinning when Brie grinned up at him. She started kicking and flailing her arms excitedly, giggling. “Did you miss daddy?” he cooed as he picked her up. As soon as he had her against his chest, he could see a little cut near her nose. His brows furrowed as he wondered how she’d gotten that. His first thought was curiosity. There was no way in hell he would’ve jumped to the conclusion that Peter abused their daughter. Peter is definitely not that man and he knew better than to accuse Peter of that. It looked like it was cleaned up anyway and there hadn’t been any marks on Joey, so he assumed Joey smacked Brie at some point when he wasn’t home.

He headed downstairs with his daughter against his chest. Upon walking into their dining room, he could see the terror in Peter’s eyes. Neal was instantly concerned, wondering why his husband looked like that. “I swear I didn’t hurt her,” Peter said hurriedly. “I’d never—”

“Hey, hey, hey,” Neal said, hushing his husband as he crossed the room. He stared up at Peter with a small smile. “Relax, babe. I wasn’t going to blame you. I’m curious though. What happened?”

“Joey hit her while they were playing on the floor. I think his nail cut her. She did have a small nosebleed, but I-I took care of it.”

Neal kissed his husband’s jaw, murmuring, “Relax. Peter, I trust you with the kids. I didn’t even consider that you were responsible for this.” Peter heaved a heavy sigh of relief. He was thankful for that. Neal believed Rebecca hurt their daughter when Brie began to cry when Rebecca walked into the room and Peter was afraid of what would happen if Neal thought he hurt their daughter. “Jesus, Peter. Do you really believe that I think you’re an abusive man?” Peter bit his lip, lowering his gaze to the floor. Neal shifted Brie in his arms, holding her with his right arm as he wrapped his left around Peter, hugging him. “You’re my husband and their poppa. Take it easy. I know exactly what kind of man you are and you’re not abusive.”

Peter wanted to argue that and claim he’s verbally abusive with his husband, but he bit his tongue. Things were okay, so there was no reason to drag them both down again. Instead, he wrapped his right arm around Neal and rubbed his back. “You’re right,” he said quietly. “Sorry, honey.”

The younger man gave his husband that ‘I love you’ look and it made Peter feel a little better. “No worries, Peter,” he whispered. “Can you help me with the highchair?”

Joey was already in the highchair beside Peter’s seat, so Peter pulled the little tray off of Brie’s highchair so Neal could set her in it. He replaced the tray and then received a full hug from his husband. Resting his hands on Neal’s back, he smiled. “You’re a sweetheart,” he said as he kissed Neal’s hair.

Peter brought dinner out to his family with Neal’s help and both men fed the twins while Nicky ate on his own. “Did you have fun with Uncle Mozzie?”

Neal groaned and Peter smiled a little. Nicky gave his poppa a questioning look as Neal answered. “Uncle Mozzie is going to get run over tomorrow,” he muttered. “Instead of taking me on a shopping spree because I have a better taste in clothing than he does, he took me to the gym.” Nicky giggled. “It’s not funny, you pain in the butt. You know daddy doesn’t like going to the gym.” Peter chuckled, shaking his head. “I was a mess when I got home, so I went to take a shower before dinner. Besides, your poppa didn’t want to kiss his sweaty, extremely gross husband.”

“That’s not true, baby.” Peter glanced up to watch his husband feed their daughter. He grinned from ear to ear as he watched Neal pretend he was eating, showing Brie how to do it. He thought Neal was so cute and he felt a surge of pride swell in his chest as he told him that Neal is _his._ “My endearing ‘baby’ suddenly seems to fit a hell of a lot better.” Neal looked up at him and smiled wryly. “You’re adorable.”

“Somehow, I find that insulting,” Neal teased. “Am I not supposed to be manly and all of this other masculine BS?”

Peter gave him an amused look. He knew Neal liked being called ‘cute’ or ‘adorable.’ Neal’s just that kind of man. Having been a parent for almost nine years prior to Peter, he was a softie—an overprotective softie, but a softie nonetheless. “You’re all of that and more to me,” Peter said quietly.

Neal gave him another one of their silent looks to convey his feelings. He really appreciated when Peter said things like that and they both knew that Nicky liked hearing these things, too. Nicky didn’t get to see them most of the time when they were making up after fights nor did he see when they were extremely affectionate with each other because they were in their bedroom. Neal didn’t need everyone to hear Peter’s compliments, but at least they were genuine and weren’t forcibly brought out in the public eye. They were always themselves around their family. There was no need to pretend they didn’t love each other as much as they do nor was there a reason to act like they weren’t very satisfied with each other.

They love each other a great deal—and they are _very_ satisfied with themselves.

•◊•

Monday morning, Neal opened his email at work. He received an email from his father of whom he hadn’t spoken to in _quite_ some time. He couldn’t recall the last time he’d spoken to his father, but he knew James hadn’t been there for his ‘funeral.’ He debated on opening it or not. Part of him understood why his father wasn’t in his life much anymore, but it still hurt. James hadn’t come in to even attempt to console him or Michael after their mother’s death. Neal wasn’t as affected as Michael had been, but it still hurt Neal to an extent. He would have liked for his father to come see them.

After several minutes of contemplation, he decided that he would open it. He wasn’t sure what to expect, so he didn’t open it eagerly. He opened it tentatively, hesitating before finally reading the message. “ _Hello, son. First of all, I’d like to apologize for not being around much anymore. I miss you and your family and I’d love to see you all again._ ” He read the rest, sighing quietly as he read excuse after excuse for not being there. It was like talking to his mother all over again. The last part made his heart snap though. It certainly wasn’t what he expected nor was it an excuse that he didn’t want to hear. “ _I’ve been away because I have cancer, son. I’m sorry for not telling you, but I didn’t want you all to watch me deteriorate._ ”

His eyes watered and his breathing quickened. He had no idea why that hit him so hard considering his father hadn’t been in his life much to begin with. It might have been like how he interpreted his feelings of remorse after watching his mother die. She was his mother. She gave birth to him… This man who’d emailed him was his father and he was part of the reason he’s alive right now. He is a family man despite growing up in a really undesirable household.

With frantic motions, he hit the reply button and wrote back, “Dad, tell me what’s going on. Please. If you need me, you know I’ll help you in any way that I can.” He swallowed hard, lowering his gaze to his keyboard for a moment. “You’re my dad. I don’t want you to think you can’t come to us. We’re family.”

He hit ‘send’ and waited with his eyes closed. Part of him hoped that this wasn’t a fatal form of cancer. He prayed that his father wasn’t suffering horribly. He didn’t want his father to die…

As soon as his email pinged, he opened his eyes and glanced at the screen, opening the next email from his father. “ _It’s pancreatic cancer. I denied it for the longest time and the symptoms came on very suddenly. I should have told you that it was a possibility before I left._ ” Neal bit his lip as he read on. “ _Neal, I’m not sure how much longer I’ll have. My doctors say it could be anywhere between a week and six months._ ”

He couldn’t help the fact that he was silently crying now. He knew this wasn’t the right time or place to be reading or reacting to this email. His coworkers were around him and his husband wasn’t that far from him either, so it wasn’t like he was reading this in the privacy and comfort of his own home where he could fall apart as he pleased. Here, he had to manage to maintain at least a moderate amount of composure.

Instead of answering, he held his face in his hands and breathed heavily against his palms. This really hurt, knowing his father’s time was limited. He wished he’d spent more time with his father. He and Jon were closer than he and his own dad were and he thought that kind of sucked. Aside from their relationship being strained and very infrequent, James also had three grandchildren through Neal and Peter. Only one of them would have the opportunity to know their grandfather if he were to die before they were old enough to comprehend things a little more.

“Sweetheart?” Neal startled, lifting his head to look up at his husband. “Whoa,” he said concernedly. “Honey, what is it?”

Peter came around to stand at his husband’s side. He didn’t read Neal’s email, but he had a feeling that had to do with it when he briefly glanced at Neal’s computer. He respects Neal’s privacy, so he didn’t look at it very long. “My dad,” Neal whispered hoarsely. Peter nodded, silently encouraging Neal to continue to speak. “He has cancer. He doesn’t have much time left, Peter.”

Neal broke down a _little._ He was crying, but he wasn’t sobbing. He was under control even though his emotions were going to hell. “Oh, Neal…” Peter whispered as he tentatively pulled Neal up and hugged him. He rested his right hand near the middle of Neal’s back and cupped the back of Neal’s head with his left when Neal laid his head down on Peter’s shoulder.

It took a few minutes before Neal was able to calm down for the most part. “I’m okay,” he whispered. Peter rubbed his back, knowing that Neal was trying to ‘redeem’ himself.

“Hon, you know you don’t have to suck it up for me,” he said softly. Neal nodded and backed up a bit to wipe his face off. Peter kept his arms around Neal’s torso to make sure he knew that he wasn’t alone right now. “I’m really sorry, honey.”

Neal rested his hands on Peter’s shoulders when his face was mostly dried of his tears. “I’ve already lost my mom and my mother. It was only a matter of time before I lost my dad, too.” Peter sympathized for his lover, wishing he could take his pain away. “God just loves to torment me. I’m losing everyone in my life. I—”

Peter hushed him, gripping his hips gently. “Relax, okay? If you want, we—or you… You can take off for a little while to visit your dad.”

The younger man sighed shakily. “I think I need to go alone,” he whispered. “I don’t want to leave you for a week though, but I know we can’t just pack up and take our three kids out of the state. That’ll be stressful as hell.”

“Assuming your dad’s in DC, you could go down there and spend time with him. You and I can talk via Skype or our phones… Friday night, I can pack us up and head down to you.”

“It depends on how my dad looks when I’m there,” he said sadly. “I don’t want Nicky to see his grandfather looking like he’s on the brink of death.” Peter nodded, wishing he could cure James of this cancer. “I don’t know what to do,” he added brokenly.

Peter nodded again, whispering, “Don’t worry. We’ll figure things out, honey.” He was grateful when Neal allowed him to pull him closer. He hugged his husband, rubbing his back to soothe him. This was awful and he felt awful. Neal had to find out from him that Ellen had been stabbed to death, he had to watch his mother die on live television, and now his father was dying of cancer.

It really pissed Peter off because Neal just couldn’t catch a break. Neal didn’t deserve this constant pain that kept snowballing as time went on. He just wished he could do something to make things so much better for Neal…


	57. Chapter 57

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal goes to DC.

The door opened in front of Neal moments after he rang the doorbell and he came face to face with an older woman. “Neal?” she said timidly. He nodded and she gestured for him to come in. “Your father is in his bedroom. He’s in severe pain right now, but I’ve given him medications that will hopefully lessen his pain soon enough.”

Neal frowned and nodded again. She led him into the room he would be using for the duration of his stay and he set his bags down. “Am I allowed to see him now?”

“Yes, but don’t make him move much.”

She showed him into James’ room, which wasn’t hard to find considering there was only one floor. James’ eyes were closed and Neal’s heart ached as he looked at his father. He looked so underweight and deathly ill. It made him feel sick because he felt like he’d looked the same way when he came home after he’d been raped by Vincent and Craig. This was so much worse because his father was going to die.

Nearing his father’s bed, he looked at the older man sadly. His entire body looked as though it’d been malnourished for several months. He looked terrible and Neal was glad he hadn’t brought his son along. This would probably give Nicky nightmares.

James opened his eyes slowly and looked up at his son as though he didn’t recognize him. “Hey, dad,” Neal whispered solemnly. He forced a small smile as he rested his hand over his father’s, gently curling his fingers over his father’s. “I know you told me to stay home, but I’m staying with you for a little while.”

“W-What about your family?”

“Peter has things under control and his parents are going to New York to keep him company while I’m gone.” James looked depressed, regretting that he made his son leave his family in order to come see him as he laid on his deathbed. “Dad, you’re my family, too. I don’t know how much time we have left together, but I want to be here. I talked about this with Peter a lot over the last few days. He and the kids will be fine.”

James shut his eyes and Neal’s lips parted as his father began to cry. “You shouldn’t be here.”

“Dad, I—”

“Get out. Go home, Neal,” he whispered.

Neal gaped at his father. He wasn’t expecting this hostility. “No. I’m staying here.” James began to argue with him and Neal snapped, “I’m an adult and I spoke with my husband and my son. They understand what’s going on and they’ll be fine without me for a little while. You’re my dad and I know damn well that my son wouldn’t leave me if I were dying and he came to see me.” James tore his hand away from Neal’s and made small sounds of pain as he rolled over onto his side. His back was to Neal and Neal didn’t know what to do. “You can be pissed off, but I’m not leaving.”

James ignored him and Neal sighed. He wasn’t leaving DC, but he left his father’s room to go unpack a few of his things. The first thing he did was pull his laptop out. He turned it on and waited, breathing slowly. Peter said he’d be able to Skype with him at any moment since they decided to buy Peter a laptop of his own prior to Neal leaving for DC.

As soon as his laptop was powered on, he unlocked it and went straight to his Skype. He initiated a call with his husband and waited patiently, knowing Peter might be busy with the kids. Within a few minutes, the call was accepted and Peter came onto the screen with Joey in his lap. He could hear Nicky and Brie in the background and it made him smile. “ _Hello, stranger,_ ” Peter said softly when he finally focused on the screen.

“Hey, teddy.” Peter instantly knew that something was wrong, so he chose to let Neal talk if he wanted to. “I’m sorry if I interrupted whatever you were doing…”

“ _I was just playing with the kids, but they miss their daddy._ ” Neal smiled a little more genuinely when Peter gently bounced Joey. “ _Isn’t that right, little guy? You miss your daddy?_ ” Neal laughed lightly, loving the way his husband sounded. Joey was reaching out towards the laptop, making strained noises. Peter moved him closer to the laptop and Neal watched Joey try to reach for him. Both men ended up laughing quietly as they watched confusion spread across their son’s face. “ _That’s daddy, but daddy’s not at home._ ”

Neal waved at his son. “Hey, Joey. Hope poppa isn’t making you cry too much.” Peter raised an eyebrow and Neal just continued to smile. “Daddy misses you all.” Nicky came into view and he looked excited when he realized Neal was on the screen. “Oh, look. It’s my little brat.”

Nicky giggled. “ _Hi, daddy._ ”

Peter allowed Nicky and Neal to discuss their day with each other. Nicky wanted to talk to Neal and he was excited now that he had the chance. “ _Okay, buddy,_ ” Peter said gently. “ _Dad and poppa need some time alone._ ” Nicky wiggled his eyebrows and Peter gaped at him. “ _That’s so not what I meant!_ ” Both Neal and Nicky giggled. Nicky headed off the screen and Peter waited until their oldest son was out of earshot before focusing on his husband. “ _So, honey… How’s your dad doing?_ ”

“He doesn’t want me to be here. He actually asked me to go home.” Peter looked as hurt as Neal felt. “It’s okay, babe. I told him I’m not leaving and… And, judging by his appearance, I don’t think he’ll make it to the end of this month.” He breathed shakily as he closed his eyes. He desperately wished Peter could hold him in that moment, but they’d agreed that Peter needed to stay with their children instead of getting someone to babysit all three of them for a week or so. “He looks terrible. It’s really scary, seeing him so frail. Like, imagine me when I was forcing myself to throw up, but ten times worse.”

“ _Jesus Christ. I bet you’re glad Nicky didn’t go._ ” Neal nodded, frowning. “ _Hey, sweetheart of mine… I know you’re hurting right now, but at least you’re there with him. He may not appreciate your presence, but I’m sure he will in the end._ ” He blew Neal a kiss and Neal smiled as tears welled up in his eyes. “ _I may not be there to hold you or kiss you, but I’m here to listen to you until I can hold you and kiss you again. Don’t depress yourself because of the way he’s acting. Deep down, he does want you there, Neal._ ”

Neal shrugged. “We’ll see. I don’t know how long I’ll stay down here.” He didn’t want to be away from his family for an extended period of time, but he had the feeling that his father would pass away the second he left. He wanted to be there for his father even if James didn’t think he needed his son. “I’ll stay for a week like we talked, but I don’t know if I should actually stay longer or leave before that.”

“ _It’s up to you, honey. Whatever you want to do, I’m here to support you._ ” Neal sighed heavily and Peter wished he could reach through the screen and stroke his husband’s hair. “ _Neal, he’s your dad. I won’t force you to stay there or leave him at any point in time. I love you and I can’t wait for you to come home, but you need to be with him._ ”

“If he doesn’t want me here, this is going to be a very miserable week for everyone.” Peter looked very sympathetic, wishing he could just do anything at all to help Neal. “I’ll apologize in advance for making you miserable. I’m probably going to complain to you a _lot._ ”

Peter chuckled. “ _Sounds good to me, honey. I’m more than happy to be here for you._ ”

They spoke to each other a little longer before Peter said he was going to give the twins a bath. Neal let him go with an ‘I love you very much’ and Peter gave him one in return. They both signed off and Neal just stared at his screen for a moment. He felt so alone, so empty. This was completely different from his previous encounters with solitary emptiness. This time, he wasn’t being raped or tortured.

Shuddering, he decided that he shouldn’t be thinking those thoughts without Peter. Peter was always there to help him through his moments when he needed Peter most. That was the nice part about being in a committed relationship—a committed _marriage._ If they had no one else, they knew they had each other. Peter didn’t leave him through any of what they went through as a couple or individually. He trusts Peter and has all the faith in the world in him. It took a lot of time before he was able to accept that Peter wasn’t leaving. After almost six years, he just _knows_ Peter won’t leave him.

“Mister Burke, if you’re hungry, there’s dinner on the table.” He startled, not having realized that his father apparently had a woman cooking for him.

He nodded. “You can just call me Neal while I’m here. Thank you for letting me know.” He set his laptop aside and headed out to the dining room. This was all so very depressing. He sighed and took a seat, sitting by himself with a dish of potatoes and steak in front of him. There were vegetables on the plate as well, but he felt like this should be something he’d make for his husband because that’s the kind of man Peter is. They tried a salad once before and the thought of Peter’s reaction made Neal smile. It hadn’t been an abnormal salad by any means, but Peter just isn’t a salad man.

Neal chuckled to himself as he replayed Peter attempting to be polite and _not_ spit out the salad his husband made for him. It was an amusing experience and he’d definitely learned not to make that part of the menu. He shook his head and his heart pounded in his chest. No matter what Peter did, he just loved the older man so much more than he did before. That was why he always made sure Peter knew he’d be crushed without him in his life. Peter impacted him on such an extreme level. Losing him would shatter Neal entirely.

Fortunately, Neal knew he was lucky. He knew he had his husband who wasn’t going to cheat on him or leave him for another man. Everything they had, they built together. Before Peter, he never knew what it was like to have an actual partner who wanted to be in the relationship as much as he did. He felt needy because he wanted reciprocation, but he never would’ve forced Peter into staying.

If Peter didn’t love him, they wouldn’t be together. They wouldn’t have their twins and they wouldn’t have the beautiful house they’re living in. They just wouldn’t be as happy as they are right now. Neal would still have Nicky, but they both wanted and needed Peter in their lives.

He felt like this should all be depressing him more, but it was actually making him feel a little better. He loves his family so much. He couldn’t even begin to imagine what things would be like if he’d never had sex with Kate, if he’d never gone to the hospital to see his son, if he hadn’t sobered himself up in order to raise his son. Hell, he probably would have killed himself in his mid-twenties if he hadn’t been given his little blessing. Nicky kept him alive and gave him the strength he needed to push on in his life. His son was the very first person he loved unconditionally. His mother hadn’t gained that respect, Ellen wasn’t in his life a whole hell of a lot even though she tried, and Vincent certainly didn’t deserve his unconditional love. Mozzie had been with him for about six years by the time Nicky was born, but he hadn’t loved Mozzie the way he loves his little boy. Without Nicky in his life, he probably would have been the most miserable man on the planet.

As he ate his steak, he thought about how his whole life could either be nonexistent or completely different. He could be insane in an asylum if he’d attempted to kill himself with drugs or alcohol because Mozzie could have easily put him there. He could have taken his life intentionally or unintentionally if he kept going down that path.

He was never more grateful for his son than he was in this moment. Nicky’s the reason he’s been alive as long as he has been. His love for his son made him happy. Nicky eventually grew up and was able to reciprocate Neal’s love and he’d certainly proved to Neal time and time again that he loves him. Nicky’s always been a sweet kid. He was a little pain in the ass at times and a brat at others, but he was _Neal’s_ little pain in the ass and _Neal’s_ brat.

Peter saved him on several occasions, but Peter wouldn’t have been able to save him if Nicky hadn’t saved Neal first. Both Nicky and Peter were the reasons he was alive that very moment. His son kept him going because he didn’t want to abandon his baby boy and his boyfriend-soon-to-be-husband kept him alive after he’d been raped by Craig the first time. That was something Nicky couldn’t help him with. Peter was there to hold him, to kiss him, to make love to him. Peter reminded him that he has purpose, that he is lovable, and that his life is worth living—repeatedly. He was such a wonderful man, always encouraging Neal to push on. If things weren’t working in a peaceful manner, Peter _made_ him understand. He’d gotten angry with Neal a few times, which gave Neal his several moments of clarity.

Both Nicky and Peter were responsible for making Neal the man he is. They showed him the light at the end of the tunnel in their own ways and, eventually, Neal decided that suicide wouldn’t benefit anyone. He’d come to that realization before faking his death. After faking his death, knowing what it did to his family… He knew that he’d leave pain and sorrow in his wake if he were to successfully commit suicide. He loves his husband, his children, and the rest of his family and friends too much. He could never do that to Peter and their kids.

Faking his death made him see what would happen to Peter if he lost Neal forever. He tore Peter to pieces and he wasn’t even truly _dead._ If he were dead, Peter would still be the man he’d been when he’d held his husband’s lifeless body, when he’d gone into the hospital room only to have them tell him that Neal was dead on arrival. He’d be the man he’d been when he walked into the master bedroom of their new home and saw the papers Neal left around the room for him and the man he’d been when he was forced to say his last goodbye to his husband before burying him.

Neal had a lot to live for and he was more than willing to live for it now.

•◊•

Neal woke up to his ringtone as it blared right in front of his face. He opened his eyes and blearily looked at it before gasping. He grabbed it and looked at the caller ID before answering. “Holy shit. I’m so sorry, babe.”

“ _No worries, baby. I just wanted to say good morning._ ”

Neal palmed his face, feeling awful. He’d been on the phone with Peter after dealing with his dad’s moodiness and he’d crawled into his temporary bed to get comfortable while he talked to Peter. What upset him was that he’d fallen asleep while talking to Peter. “Peter, I’m so sorry. It wasn’t you. You’re not a boring man. You—”

Peter chuckled lightly, stopping Neal immediately. “ _Oh, honey…_ ” Neal could just imagine him shaking his head while smiling endearingly at him. “ _You were tired and, honestly, I stayed on the line a little longer just to listen to you sleep._ ” Neal smiled as his heart fluttered. “ _You always snore so softly and it’s such a soothing sound. I didn’t like the idea of sleeping without you, so I stayed on until I was able to get to sleep._ ”

“Awe,” Neal whispered. He was blushing and Peter couldn’t even see him. “At least I fell asleep to the sound of your voice.”

The older man chuckled again. “ _I noticed that one of my small pillows went missing._ ” Neal grinned sheepishly as he stared down at said pillow. “ _I’m glad you took a piece of me with you. That’s probably part of why you fell asleep so easily._ ”

Neal nodded. “It has your scent on it. You make me feel safe and secure when my head his on your chest, so I did the second best thing to actually having your chest. I’m sorry for not asking, but it’s like a little piece of home.”

Both men sighed contentedly simultaneously and they both laughed quietly a second later. “ _I can’t wait to hold you in my arms, to kiss your warm and sensuous lips, to make sweet love to you… Being away from you is honestly a terrible feeling._ ” Neal appreciated hearing that a lot. “ _I love you, baby boy. When you come home, you better leap right into my arms._ ”

Smirking, Neal asked, “Couldn’t you just sweep me off my feet instead? Whisk me away to our bedroom and have your way with me?”

Peter moaned quietly and Neal knew Peter could spend a little time with himself since the kids wouldn’t be up for at least another half hour. “ _You aren’t even here and I’m harder than a rock._ ”

“Do you mind if I help you with that?”

“ _I’m intrigued,_ ” Peter said, sounding exactly like he was interested in knowing what Neal was going to do. “ _Continue._ ”

Neal grinned. “Okay. What are you wearing?”

“ _Baby. You know what I wear when I go to sleep._ ”

The younger man made a small giggling sound as he nodded. “Okay. Because you’re right-handed, use that hand to gently tug at your dick.”

Peter made a small sound a moment later and Neal was thrilled to hear that Peter was actually doing this. He got out of bed and immediately moved towards the door, closing it to lock it. “ _What’s my left hand supposed to be doing?_ ”

“Peter, you have to hold the phone with one of your hands. If you put me on speaker—”

“ _Gotcha._ ” Neal smirked. “ _Keep talking, please._ ”

His voice sounded so pleading and Neal wasn’t used to hearing his husband like that. Peter isn’t the submissive type, but he apparently became submissive when Neal was willing to take control. “Rub your thumb over the slit slowly a few times, then circle your fingers around your dick and either thrust up into your hand or move your hand up and down.”

Peter moaned again and Neal smiled. “ _God. Tell me what you’re doing._ ”

Neal chuckled. “Keep doing that,” he said. He was stroking himself, but he assumed he’d probably end up fingering himself before the phone call was over since Peter usually if not always brought him off by using his prostate. “I’m doing the same thing. My hand isn’t nearly as warm and wonderful as your mouth is,” he whispered.

They kept going for a short while after that. All they’d done was stroke themselves until they both released, moaning each other’s names. Both men thought that was kind of funny since their hands were responsible for their ejaculation, but they supposed it was the idea that the act was being done by the other man. “ _Why have we not had phone sex before now? If it feels good this way, we’re having Skype sex tonight._ ”

“You and I aren’t separated enough,” Neal said as he laughed, sounding breathless and happy. “We take care of each other’s urges and needs in the comfort and privacy of our own bed, which I miss a great deal. This bed is too damn small for both of us to fit onto.”

“ _You’re so cute._ ” He sighed contentedly once again and whispered, “ _I’m the luckiest man on the planet. I have such a wonderful man in my life and I’m proud to call him my husband._ ”

Neal blushed as he attempted to clean himself up a bit. “I’m lucky to have a very beautiful man who loves me and respects me as I am. He’s never tried to change me and I’m proud to be able to call him mine.”

There was a moment of silence between them as they allowed themselves to enjoy what each of them said to the other. “ _I love you very, very much, Neal George. I don’t know what I’d do without you._ ”

“You’ll never have to know the answer to that,” Neal promised. “I’m not planning on faking my death again, leaving you, or getting myself killed in some fashion.” He licked his lips as he lowered the phone for a moment just to gaze at his wedding ring before holding the phone against his ear again. “You’re stuck with me, buddy. You committed to being my teddy bear and I’m holding you to that.”

Peter chuckled. “ _I’d expect nothing less from the man of my dreams._ ” Neal could hear sounds in the background on Peter’s end and he knew the kids were up and moving now. Peter had taken a moment to clean his hands and himself before getting dressed enough to be presentable very quickly. He did all of that and managed to continue his conversation with Neal prior to their kids waking up. “ _I have to get Nicky ready for school, baby, and I have to change diapers and such for the babies before Mozzie gets here. I’ll call you when I go to lunch?_ ”

Neal nodded. “Sounds good, babe. Tell Nicky I say hello—and that I love him.”

“ _Will do, sweetheart. Do I get an ‘I love you’ as well?_ ”

Neal grinned as his stomach did flips—the good kind. “I love you, Mister Burke.”

Peter laughed lightly and Neal imagined him shaking his head. “ _And I love you, Mister Burke._ ” Neal smiled to himself, loving his husband. This separation was killing them both, but they’d be just fine in the end. “ _You know, you’d think we’d be past the honeymoon stage by this point._ ”

Neal snickered. “We had a short honeymoon. This is the extension of it.”

“ _Oh, no, this is not an extension of it. We’ll have an extended honeymoon someday, Neal. I promise you that._ ”

Neal smiled, whispering, “I know we will, lover.” He glanced at the time and added, “I’d better let you go, babe. You need to get Nick to school and head to work.”

“ _Right. All right, honey. I’ll talk to you at lunch and—Nick, what the hell are you doing?_ ” Neal heard Nicky giggle and it made him chuckle. He heard Nicky say something about Peter being half naked and that was confirmed when Peter answered, “ _Get your little butt out of here so I can get dressed. You left your homework out._ ”

“ _If you can hear me, I love you, daddy!_ ”

Neal shook his head, laughing as he heard Peter say, “ _Dad loves you, too. Get out, you brat._ ” Peter sighed when Nicky finally left the room. “ _Your son is going to be a very naughty boy down the road just like you if he keeps cracking little jokes about our sex life._ ”

“ _I’m_ the naughty one? I’m your bad boy.”

“ _That, you are. My naughty bad boy._ ” There was a brief pause before Peter said, “ _Wow. This is not an ideal morning conversation. Anyway, I’ll let you spend time with your dad now since I’ve got to head out. I love you so much, baby boy. I’ll talk to you at lunchtime._ ”

“I love you just as much, teddy. I hope you have a nice remainder of the morning. Talk to you in a few hours, my love.”

They got off the phone and Neal debated on whether or not he wanted to go see his father at that moment. James was hostile and didn’t want him there even though Peter liked to say otherwise. He wanted to be with his father in his final days, but James… He didn’t know how that was going to work out.

•◊•

Peter was filling out several files in order to compensate for both himself and Neal. He offered to take over for Neal because he knew Neal would do the same for him if their positions were reversed. Neal needed to be with his father and he’d want to be with his father if his father had cancer. “You look like you’re taking a stroll through hell.”

He glanced up to see Diana and raised an eyebrow. “Pft. I’ve seen hell.” Hell was watching his husband suffer over the years. Hell was waking up to Neal twisting in the sheets, sweating while crying out quietly. Hell was listening to Neal and Nicky tell him about their nightmares that scared the shit out of him when he heard them. “This isn’t even close.”

“How’s Neal doing?”

Peter shrugged. “He seems all right. I know he’s pretty down and he told me his father looks awful at the moment.” He glanced at the multiple frames of pictures he had on his desk. He had one for his husband, one for Nicky, and one with both twins. The fourth one was his and Neal’s wedding picture. Whenever he felt down, he just looked at those pictures and instantly felt a little better. Most of the time, he could just go down to see Neal. “He doesn’t think his dad will make it very long. Neal’s predicted that his father would die before the month was out based on how he looks right now and I know he’s hurting. It doesn’t help that James told him to leave.”

Diana looked at the older man incredulously. “He told his own son to _leave?_ Does he realize how hard it must have been for Neal to pack up and leave you and the kids?” Peter frowned. He didn’t know if James knew how hard all of this was on Neal. Spending time away from his close family to see a man he hardly knew who was going to die very soon was heart-wrenching.

“I plan on going down this weekend because I know he needs me. He’s trying pretty hard to keep himself composed, but I know him. When he’s with me, he knows he can cry all he wants. He knows I’ll be right there to hold him.” He paused and whispered, “That’s kind of hard to convey when there’s about two hundred-some miles between us.” Sighing heavily, he added, “I wish I could be with him right now. I texted him a few minutes ago to ask how he’s holding up and he just seemed very…down. I don’t think his dad realizes how much he needs Neal right now.”

Nodding, Diana said, “It’s part of the process. He’s in denial, believing he isn’t going to die. Soon, he’ll come to terms with the fact that he’s on his way out and, hopefully, he’ll allow Neal to keep him company for the duration.” She realized how depressing that sounded to herself and imagined how depressing it was for Peter considering he was closer to the situation than she is.

Peter reached out across his desk and pulled Neal’s picture frame closer, smiling at it sadly. “The other night, he and I were talking about whether or not he should go down to DC. If you’d been there to see how hurt and destroyed he was… God. He and his father don’t have the bond that he has with my father, but James is still his father nonetheless. I feel like a horrible husband because I allowed him to go down there by himself when I know he needs comfort and security.”

“He’ll pull through,” Diana insisted. “He’s bounced back from worse.”

He found that very distasteful to even bring up. Part of him wanted to snap at her and tell her that she was really insensitive to what Neal’s been through, but he relaxed before doing so. Neal never _bounced back_ from anything. He suffered a great deal and eventually managed to find some light in the dark. “I can’t even make comparisons,” Peter whispered. “I can’t begin to imagine what he’s going through. He’s suffered physically, emotionally, and psychologically because he was raped, but now he’s losing his father. How do you differentiate the two types of pain? His body was violated by men who never deserved the opportunity to have him in their clutches, but is that comparable to losing the man who took part in your creation?”

Diana thought that was a very hard concept to interpret. “I’m not sure, Peter. He’s your husband. He’ll talk to you before even considering speaking to anyone else.”

Peter nodded, closing his eyes as he rubbed his thumb over Neal’s picture. “I just wish he had the opportunity to be happy without something crashing down on him. He’s lost so much in such a short time period… He isn’t even forty years old, yet he’s been raped three individual times over the course of his lifetime. He lost his mom and his mother to sadistic bastards who were intent on causing him pain.” He slammed his empty fist on his desk and breathed heavily for a moment. “It’s just so fucking unfair. What the hell did he ever do to deserve this? He was just a kid when Adler decided to become a rapist instead of a stepfather or father in general. He was an innocent man trying to protect his loved ones when Craig raped him both times.”

He was losing his composure rapidly and he knew it. He could feel it slipping away and he could feel his anger surfacing. This was why he didn’t believe in God the way Neal does. Neal values his religion for reasons unbeknownst to Peter because Peter believes that Neal was screwed over despite his faith. He couldn’t find a single reason to condemn Neal. No one ever deserved to be raped, but God decided to allow Neal to be raped repeatedly in his life. That infuriated Peter and made him wish he could just put Neal into a bubble where nothing could ever hurt him again.

“I…can’t give you a reason either, Peter. I’m sorry.”

Sorry couldn’t change what had been done to his husband. Sorry couldn’t magically or miraculously cure Neal’s self-esteem issues or heal his scars. Peter, for as long as he lives, would never take ‘sorry’ from anyone who raped Neal. He just hoped to God that no one ever tried again—not that he believes in God, but he hoped Neal’s God protected him now.

He wanted nothing more than to pull Neal into his arms and hold him there for the rest of their lives. He could be perfectly content with Neal’s body against him, with Neal smiling up at him, with Neal whispering sweet things to him. It was a wonder how Neal had come out of everything the way he had. Peter believed Rebecca was twisted and demented as a result of her _single_ instance of rape. He didn’t understand how Neal wasn’t in that same boat after surviving three years with Vincent, a week of hell with Craig, and then two weeks of pure torture and agony with both Vincent and Craig.

If he ever inferred that Neal was weak again, he’d truly hate himself. No one could pull through all of that and continue to be a wonderful father and lover if they didn’t have the strength or will to do so. Neal definitely had strength and he had the will to go on. “All I want to do is make him happy,” Peter whispered brokenly. “It’s hard to keep him happy when his life is going to hell all around him.”

Diana sympathized for her oldest friend. She’d known Peter for quite some time and she knew how sensitive he was to Elizabeth’s feelings in the past, but that was nothing in comparison to how sensitive he is when it comes to Neal in general. She could understand him though because she knew she’d feel the same way he felt if she and El were in their position. “I know you make him happy,” she said lamely, uncertain as to whether or not she should respond to that.

Peter opened his eyes and stared at the beautiful, smiling man in the picture he held in his hand. “I need to call him,” he whispered. “I just… I need to tell him that I love him—and I need to say it aloud rather than text it to him.”

And he did just that. He called his husband and the first thing he said upon Neal answering was ‘I love you.’ Neal laughed quietly, sounding happy. The way he returned the sentiment made him sound perfectly content and comfortable with those feelings. He definitely loves Peter and Peter definitely makes him happy. Peter just needed to know he makes his husband happy sometimes.


	58. Chapter 58

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal relies on Peter despite the geographical distance between them.

At four-thirty in the morning, Neal and Peter were on Skype together. It wasn’t a happy Skype session. Neal was sobbing and Peter was trying to comfort him—trying and failing. Neal texted Peter fifteen minutes prior to initiating a Skype call to ask if Peter was awake and Peter said he was. As soon as Peter’s face came onto the screen, Neal broke down. Peter was trying to understand what was going on because he had no idea. Neal wasn’t saying anything and hadn’t said anything in the last fifteen minutes. Peter tried to ask him questions and Neal just wouldn’t respond. It was making Peter miserable because he hated watching his husband cry. He hated watching his husband cry while they were in separate states. If they were in New York together, he could at least hold Neal against him to comfort him.

“ _Sweetheart, I need you to calm down. Breathe, please._ ”

Neal tried and eventually managed to calm himself enough so that he was shaking and simply crying rather than sobbing. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I even asked if you were awake. This is just a waste of your time.”

Peter made a few noises, which indicated that Neal was wrong. “ _Don’t you dare tell yourself that. You’re always worth my time, Neal._ ” Neal rubbed his face and breathed heavily as he stared at his husband through the screen. “ _Honey, what happened? Is your dad okay?_ ”

“He’s going to die. It’s been getting worse. He’s lost too much weight and nothing anyone is doing here is helping him. He’s too far gone, so it’s inevitable.”

“ _Do you want me to come down? My parents are here. They can… They can watch the kids._ ”

Neal shook his head, whispering, “The kids are more important. They need you more since I’m not there.” Peter sighed in frustration and Neal’s eyes watered. “I don’t want to watch him die, Peter. It hurts so damn much.”

The older man understood to an extent. He hadn’t lost anyone this close to him—for good anyway. “ _Neal, listen to me and listen well._ ” He waited until Neal nodded and rubbed his eyes again to clear his face of his tears. “ _You are my husband, Neal George. I love you with almost all of my heart and the part I’m sharing belongs to our kids. Despite what you may think, you’re the most important man in my life right now._ ” Neal tried to laugh, but it sounded very watery and he knew he must look and sound awful. “ _I’m going to come down to DC, Neal, and I don’t want to hear any protests._ ”

“Peter, please—” His voice was hoarse as he begged his husband.

“ _Damn it, Neal!_ ” Peter snapped. “ _Do you think I enjoy this, watching you cry? I hate this. I hate not being able to hold you and promise you that things will be better._ ” Neal’s lips trembled as he sniffled. He knew Peter wasn’t angry with him. Peter was frustrated because he was helpless with this distance between them. He always wanted to save Neal and he couldn’t this time because they were apart. “ _I love you and I don’t want you to suffer alone. This is killing me. I’m sitting here, watching the love of my life cry while knowing I can’t do a damn thing to help him._ ”

Neal made a small noise when he tried to breathe evenly. “You’re doing all that you can, babe,” he whispered. “I’m sorry…”

Peter shook his head, sighing as he calmed down. “ _I want to do more. I want to pull you into my arms and kiss your neck while you’re against me. I just want to be with you right now instead of being so far from you. This bed feels so empty without you in it._ ”

“I’ll be back in it soon enough,” Neal promised. “My dad’s doctor told me that he might...pass in the next few days. It may be today, tonight, tomorrow… He doesn’t have a whole hell of a lot of time left.” Closing his eyes for a moment, he whispered, “He’s still arguing with me because I’m here. Peter, I don’t want my last conversation with him to be an argument.”

Both of them thought back to that morning prior to Peter being shot a few years ago. Peter still couldn’t recall the whole argument, but Neal remembered every word of it. He was there when Peter was shot and he tried his best to keep Peter alive while the paramedics were en route. Fortunately, everything worked out and Peter survived, but this was an entirely different situation. Peter survived because the shot hadn’t fatally injured him. James was dying of cancer and he was definitely going to die.

“ _Just do the best you can, honey._ ” He paused and Neal could see that he had something on his mind. Neal’s brows furrowed until Peter sighed. “ _When your dad does pass, do you want me there at his funeral with you?_ ”

Neal nodded, feeling tears coming on again. He felt so weak, but he felt so broken at the same time. “Yes. I can’t do it on my own. If you come down here, please just let it be for the funeral so we can just go home together.” Peter watched Neal with sadness in his own eyes. “I can come up to get you and then we can drive back down.” Peter nodded, knowing his husband would need his immediate comfort. “He keeps telling me that he has something for me that he wants me to have before his death, but then he’ll argue with me and tell me that he wishes I’d leave.”

Peter tried to smile, hoping it would help Neal a little if at all. All he wanted to do in that moment was go to DC, pull his husband into his arms, and absorb the younger man into himself to save him from all of this pain. “ _It’ll be okay, Neal. Just…try your best. Despite what he may think, he needs you. You’re his only son, his only child. He can’t push you away like this._ ” Neal could hear the undercurrent of frustration and bitterness in Peter’s voice and he didn’t understand why Peter felt that way. “ _Our kids may not be linked to me biologically in any way, but they’re my children and I know I’d want them to be here for me if I were going through what your dad is going through. He’ll come to that realization before the end, Neal. He loves you and he wants you._ ”

“Thank you,” Neal whispered, returning his husband’s small smile. “Peter, I’m sorry for waking you up. I know you’ll be up in a few hours, but I’m still sorry.”

“ _No apologies, baby. I’ve always told you that I’ll wake up for you._ ” Neal knew that and he appreciated it more than Peter knew. “ _I woke up when you were having nightmares and I’ve always woken up when you’ve needed me, even if it was only to hold you against me. I will always wake up for you, honey. All you need to do is ask._ ”

“If we were together right now, I’d kiss you so hard.” Peter chuckled, nodding. “You’ve always been my go-to man no matter what I need to go to you for. How could I possibly get any luckier than I am right now?”

Peter rolled his eyes. “ _You are such a romantic sop._ ” Neal grinned. He knew that’s what he was and he knew Peter liked it. “ _I’m so glad you’re my romantic sop._ ” Neal thought that was really sweet, as were most things Peter did and said. “ _Having a romantic sop… Mm. I think that’s what makes me so happy when I think about bedding you._ ”

Neal’s jaw dropped and then he couldn’t help snickering a bit. “I love how you just jumped right into a discussion about our sex life. Comforting me, reassuring me, and now you’re talking about bedding me. Our discussions are so diverse.”

“ _Keeps things interesting,_ ” Peter replied, winking at his husband. “ _Besides, I thought it might cheer you up a bit._ ” Neal rolled his eyes then. “ _Hey, I haven’t been able to sleep with you beside me for a little while. It gets lonely…_ ”

“Didn’t I just give you an imaginary handjob recently?” Peter blushed and Neal could see that through the screen, so he laughed lightly. “If I could give you a blowjob, you know I would.”

“ _God. I want you to blow me so bad,_ ” Peter moaned sliding his hand underneath the blanket in a not-so-subtle manner. “ _Like, please… Baby, your mouth is always so hot and so wet and so—_ ”

“ _Poppa?_ ”

Neal covered his mouth, stifling his laughter as he watched his husband startle and shift the blanket, thus throwing the laptop aside in a hurry. “ _Hey, buddy. What’s up?_ ”

 _I had a nightmare. Can I sleep with you?_ ”

“ _Yeah, kiddo. I’ll be right back though._ ”

Neal couldn’t help chuckling then and the laptop moved. Nicky came onto the screen and smiled lovingly at his father. “Hey, kid. Poppa and I were talking. I heard you had a nightmare?” Nicky nodded. “When poppa comes back, do you want to talk to us both or would you rather I sign off and let you talk to poppa?”

“ _Um, would you be upset if I just talked to poppa?_ ”

“Of course not,” Neal assured him. “I’ll sign off. Tell poppa I said I love him. Ask him to call me back if he can. If he can’t, just have him text me.”

“ _Okay, daddy. I love you a lot. I’m sorry…_ ”

Neal shook his head. “No worries, baby. I love you so much. If you aren’t awake when poppa calls or writes me back, then I hope you sleep well, Nicky. Poppa will keep you safe—I promise.”

He signed off a few moments later, letting his son and husband talk. It made him wonder though. Was the nightmare his son had about him? He never talked about his nightmares with Neal if they were about Neal. To an extent, Neal understood. It wasn’t like he’d talk to Nicky about nightmares he’s had about his son. He never talked to Nicky about his nightmares anyway, but the point was that Nicky was afraid of hurting him.

Sighing quietly, Neal laid down on his side, keeping his laptop on. He stared at his husband’s picture on Skype and smiled sadly. He wished he could be home right now, hugging his husband and son. He could be cuddling them both right now if he were home.

He decided to get out of bed, figuring that Peter and Nicky would be talking for a little while. Peter was going to be so exhausted later and Neal felt bad. Grabbing a glass out of the cabinet, he filled it with water and took a drink, sighing a moment later. “Neal,” he heard. “Neal…” His name was being rasped in the room nearby and he quickly set his glass down, heading into his father’s bedroom.

“Dad?” he said as he neared his father’s bed. “Dad, it’s me. I’m here—Neal’s here.”

James lifted his hand and smiled at Neal as though he weren’t really seeing reality as it was. “My boy…” he whispered, stroking the side of Neal’s face. He cringed, pained by the movement. “Oh, Neal…”

Neal sat on the bed beside his father and smiled softly at him. “Everything okay, dad? Did you need me to get your nurse?”

“No,” James moaned. “Just… Just you, kid.” Neal nodded, taking his father’s hand in both of his. “Neal, I want to tell you something. It’s…what I said I’d give you. I’m going to give you these words.” Neal nodded, keeping his eyes on his father. He was concerned, feeling like this was one of those movie moments where he was going to utter his last word, only to have him pass before he could finish speaking. “Neal George… Oh, son. I’m so proud of you.”

Tears welled up in James eyes and Neal smiled softly at the older man. “Thank you,” he whispered.

James shook his head, shutting his eyes painfully. “I’m so proud of you,” he repeated. “You’re my greatest accomplishment in life. I’m thankful for you…for making you…” Neal’s chest began to ache as he listened to his father rasp all of this to him. He was beginning to feel like this was definitely one of those movie moments and he was preparing for the onslaught of tears. “You’re such a beautiful boy and I’m…proud to call you mine.” He rubbed his thumb over Neal’s skin and murmured, “I love you and your beautiful family.”

“I love you, too, dad.”

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, “for pushing you away since you came. I really appreciate it, son…” Neal had tears welling up in his own eyes now as he smiled. Peter, as always, was right. “Having you here… It makes me happy. I know you aren’t happy…watching me slowly die. Thank you for coming to be with me, Neal.”

Neal nodded, laughing lightly as he cried. “You’re my dad. I wasn’t going to let you do this alone. I know how it feels to be in a tremendous amount of pain. It’s hard to accept that someone wants to be there with you.” Shutting his eyes tightly, he let the tears slide down his face. “You’re dying,” he whispered, “and I didn’t want to let you die alone. I want to be here with you.”

“I want you here, too,” James said sincerely. “Neal, let me ask you something.”

“Anything,” Neal said softly.

James sucked in a deep breath and asked, “How did you become gay? I…know that’s a stupid question… I just want to know.”

Neal shrugged. “I don’t think it’s a matter of I _became_ gay. My mother seemed to think it was because Vincent raped me. I was born this way, dad. It isn’t a thing I could choose or refuse. I’m attracted to men and always have been.”

James nodded. “Are you happy with your life?”

“Yes,” Neal said without hesitation. “I love Peter very much and I’m happy to raise three children with him. I’ve been with him and he makes me happy. He’s always made me feel like I belong with him.” Smiling sadly, he said, “I wouldn’t be as happy as I am without him. He’s changed my life for the better. I love him so much.”

James smiled at him, opening eyes to look up at his son. “You deserve to be happy and I’m glad you are.” He reached up to stroke Neal’s hair back. “I never had the chance to watch you grow up. I missed out on your life and I’m so sorry…”

“Dad,” he said softly. “It’s okay. I understand that you couldn’t be in our lives. Honestly, I would have preferred you over Vincent. I wish you’d been in my life.”

“You never would have been raped,” James promised. “I would have taken care of you the right way… I would have raised you properly… Not to say that you didn’t raise yourself or your son properly. I just would have liked to be there…”

Neal blinked back tears as he said, “You’re here now and that’s what counts.”

James kept stroking Neal’s hair and face alternatively, wishing he’d had more time with his son than he was given. “Do you ever resent me for not being in your life?” Neal thought about that very hard. He didn’t understand why his dad wasn’t around until he was eighteen. He’d gotten into contact with Ellen very briefly and she told him the truth. In all honesty, he did resent his father for not being there for him. When he’d been thirteen years old, he wished he had his own dad instead of a stepfather who raped him for nearly three years.

“No,” he whispered. “You’re my dad. I would have loved it if you’d been in my life, but it was my mother’s fault that you weren’t with us.” In his father’s final days, he certainly wasn’t going to tell him that he resents him or that he spent every night cursing him or praying to God that he would come home and take him away from Vincent. He’d wanted James and he didn’t care what kind of man he was. Neal would have taken an abusive father over a rapist any day. His father isn’t abusive, but he did kill someone. Either way, he preferred his dad over Vincent. “I thought about you all the time, dad.”

The older man couldn’t help breaking down in that moment and Neal wished he could do something to help. “I thought about you, too. I wondered if you were happy, if you were healthy… I wondered if you’d found a partner and if you had children or planned to have children…” Neal instinctively moved until he was completely on his father’s bed, lying beside him, hugging him. He felt like a child, but he didn’t care. He’d never had the opportunity to cuddle with his dad when he was younger. He’d cuddled with his own son, so he was happy he gave Nicky the experience, but he wished he’d had something like this, too.

Even if he cried along with his father as his father essentially laid on his deathbed, he was still given the moment to spend with his dad. He felt cherished when James held him close. He wondered if Nicky felt like this when they cuddled. He wondered if he made Nicky feel happy when they were so close because he felt happy since he was finally being held by his dad. Knowing that James was going to die, he wanted every moment to be worth it in the end. This was definitely one he’d wanted since he was five.

It was better late than never.

•◊•

“Right into my mouth,” Neal said as he laughed. He was sitting beside his father as they shared stories. “I learned that I needed to keep my mouth closed when I held him up for an airplane.”

“I think you’ll appreciate the fact that you did the same thing when you were that little,” James teased, coughing a bit. The doctor told Neal a few hours earlier that his father had suddenly become ill and she warned him that he might die today. Neal couldn’t tell his dad that. He didn’t want to depress James on what could be his last day. “I wasn’t excited about the drooling, but you were such an adorable baby.” Smiling softly at Neal, he added, “My adorable baby boy has grown up to be a very handsome young man.”

Chuckling, Neal shook his head. “Dad, you’re allowed to say I’m middle-aged. I’ll be forty in less than two years.”

James gave him an incredulous look, saying, “If I accept that my kid is middle-aged, I’m going to have to accept that I’m old.” Neal laughed again, shaking his head. “It’s good to see you laugh, Neal.” Neal was trying his best to keep a positive mindset just in case this was the day his dad died. If he had to say goodbye to James, he wanted to know that James was happy before he passed. “Your smile is very vibrant. It’s no wonder Peter loves you so much.” Wiggling his eyebrows, he added, “Among other things.”

Neal rolled his eyes. “Actually, none of those things appealed to Peter at first,” he admitted. “He told me he fell in love with me when he looked into my eyes. I think I looked like a deer in the headlights because I’d totally made a mess of the break area the first time we met, but he loves my eyes. We can just look into each other’s eyes and smile without having to say a word. Our eyes give our feelings away to each other.”

“I can’t recall you ever telling me how you and Peter met.”

James was holding Neal’s hand on Neal’s lap and Neal grinned. “I was a probie—a probationary agent—at the time, which meant I had very little to do in the field at the time. I was, essentially, the coffee bitch.” James snickered, staring up at his son’s face. “He’s the second in command of our division and I guess he felt kind of bad for me when I was trying to round up a bunch of coffee for everybody. Either way, I ended up making a huge mess and he came down to help me clean it up.” Smiling to himself, he whispered, “I remember how he made me feel when I first looked at him. He looked so mesmerized by me and I was…” He sighed contentedly, smiling down at his and his father’s hands in his lap. “I was absolutely taken by the sight of him. Some people may not see it, but he’s a very handsome man. He can seem a little intimidating, but he’s got the sweetest and biggest heart I’ve ever seen. I call him my teddy bear because he loves to cuddle with me and he’s so damn sweet.”

“You two always looked like you were perfect for each other when I was around the both of you. I’ve seen relationships where both parties are lying to themselves about their love for each other—or lack thereof. What I see between you and Peter is good, Neal, and I hope he’s always good to you.”

“No matter what arguments we get into, he’s always been good to me. In the heat of the moment, he’s said things he regrets, but he always makes up for them and makes it up to me. He’s a very sweet man and he’s never once hit me.” He didn’t count Peter beating him for the case they’d been working on a few years earlier nor did he count Peter shoving him against walls because Peter didn’t do it to cause him pain. He was trying to make Neal understand a point he was making by shoving him against a wall, but it was only once and he never hurt Neal the way Keller or Fowler had. “He respects me—a lot. Men I was with before him wanted sex, sex, and more sex. Peter though…” He laughed and shook his head.

James gave him an amused, curious glance. “What?”

Neal blushed. “The first time Peter was in my apartment, he came to me to ask me how he could be openly gay like I am. It started out as a nice conversation and then damn. He made it very well known that he was interested in me.” Laughing lightly, he sighed quietly. “I knew I was going to love him then. He spent the night with me and I expected him to leave like other men did. Peter and I didn’t have sex that night, but he’d stayed in bed with me. He cooked breakfast for me and Nick. It was…not what I expected of him. He even bought Nicky a gift for his birthday.”

Squeezing Neal’s hand, James looked very happy. “I always hoped you would find someone who loves you unconditionally. Like I told you before, I imagined you with a brunette girl. When I met you, you did have a brunette. I was just wrong about the girl part and I’m very happy regardless. You’re my boy and Peter makes you happy.”

“I don’t know how he can put up with me sometimes. He’s been with me through a lot.” James took Neal’s left hand in both of his, rubbing Neal’s wedding ring. “The day he proposed to me, I wanted to sob—I was so happy. I’d been proposed to once before, but I wasn’t in love with that man. I honestly wasn’t sure if Peter would ever propose to me because I felt like he’d walk away beforehand, but he surprised the hell out of me and it was… I’ll never forget that night.” He had a lot of nights he’d never forget because of Peter. Not to say that he didn’t have as many because of Nicky, but Peter made things special in ways that Nicky couldn’t. “I’m glad you were able to meet him, dad. He’s a good man. He’s a very loving husband and father. I can’t imagine myself with anyone better than him. I’m also very grateful for the fact that you were able to meet your grandchildren. Even if Joey and Brie don’t remember you, I’ll tell them about you. Nicky will remember you.”

Before James could respond, Neal’s phone went off. He’d customized ringtones for Peter and Nicky specifically. His ringtone for Peter was _I Wanna Kiss You All Over._ He blushed a bit as he excused himself, slipping off of his father’s bed to head out into the living room. As soon as he answered, Peter whispered, “ _Hello, my sweet angel._ ”

Neal closed his eyes and laughed a little. “Kissing my ass now, my love?” he teased.

Peter harrumphed. “ _Maybe I just want to be sweet._ ” There was a brief pause before he added, “ _Maybe you’re right… I felt really bad because I didn’t get to say good night to you._ ” Peter texted him almost an hour later and he’d fallen asleep twenty minutes before that. “ _Nick told me you said you love me, but I wish I’d gotten to say it back to you._ ”

“Don’t worry, teddy. I know you love me.” He still had moments, unfortunately, when he questioned Peter’s love for him, but he knows Peter is in love with him. Those moments of doubt were becoming fewer and fewer as time went on and he was relieved by that. Feeling like Peter would suddenly come up to him just to tell him that he’s not in love anymore felt like such a weight compressing his chest. As he began to accept and believe that Peter loves him, the feeling of being crushed was alleviated. “How’s Nicky doing? He told me he just wanted to talk to you.”

Peter knew that was Neal’s silent way of asking if the nightmare was about him. “ _He isn’t sure what brought the nightmare on, but he… He dreamt about the farmhouse,_ ” he whispered. “ _He just needed to cry with me for a few minutes and explained to me why his nightmare frightened him. I promise you that he’s okay now though._ ”

“Am I allowed to ask you to tell me what he told you?”

“ _I was going to tell you even if you didn’t ask,_ ” Peter said softly. “ _It was… I honestly don’t know if this was what happened to you while you were there, but he told me he dreamt that you were being cut open while they…you know._ ”

Neal sighed and Peter began to stammer an apology, which Neal hushed. “They didn’t cut me _open,_ but they did cut me. Well, Craig cut me. Vincent couldn’t.” Peter made a sound of disgust. “It’s okay, Peter. I’m mostly healed.” His thigh began to ache and he forced himself to shove the feeling aside. He knew there was no physical pain there anymore. Peter did complain about being kicked a few times and Neal felt bad, but Peter never changed the way they slept together. Neal hadn’t noticed the spasms in his leg, but it seemed to happen more at night while he slept.

Peter was quiet and that concerned Neal. “ _I fucking hate them,_ ” he hissed. “ _I hope they’re burning in hell._ ”

“Peter,” he warned quietly. “They can’t hurt me anymore.”

“ _That doesn’t change the fact that they hurt you,_ ” Peter whispered. Neal was quiet, biting his lip. He didn’t know if he wanted to continue this conversation. Peter sounded really upset and Neal was trying to understand why. “ _I’m sorry,_ ” he said after several moments of Neal’s silence. “ _You’re right, hon. They can’t hurt you anymore and I’m grateful for that._ ”

Neal let out a quiet breath of relief. “As long as we’re together in this life, I know I’ll be okay. I can’t guarantee perfectly normal or perfectly sane, but I’m trying my best, Peter, for you and for our children.” He swallowed hard, wishing he didn’t have to discuss this. He wished he could have a normal conversation with his husband, without Peter fearing that saying something so trivial would send Neal spiraling, without Peter believing he was hurting Neal by bringing up something that really upset him. Peter’s always been sensitive to Neal and Neal loved him for that, but he didn’t want his past to manage his and Peter’s future. “I love you all. All I want to do is try my hardest to stay okay and make you all happy.”

Peter sighed quietly. “ _You make me happy when you breathe, when you open your eyes in the morning. Those little things mean the most to me because you’re still alive._ ” Neal nodded even though he knew Peter couldn’t see him. “ _I’m not asking you to strive for ‘perfection’ or anything else. All I want is for you to be yourself. If that means you need to cry with me when this all hurts you, then you know damn well you’re allowed to cry._ ”

“I do know that and that means so much to me. It always has.” Peter’s been trying to convince Neal that he’s still allowed to cry even though Peter snapped at him for crying the night they kicked Rebecca out. “I love you, Peter.”

James’ nurse went into the bedroom and Neal watched her, torn between going into his dad’s bedroom or staying on the phone with his husband. “ _You mean everything to me, Neal. I love you with all of my heart and soul. I belong to you._ ”

Smiling, Neal whispered, “And I belong to you.”

Just as he was about to add something else, the nurse called out, “Mister Burke!” Neal spun and darted into his father’s room, holding his phone away from his face as he stared at his father in horror. He knew enough medical information to discern that his father was having a heart attack.

Rushing over to his father’s bedside, he dropped his phone and grabbed James’ hand. “Dad, dad,” he whispered, trying to help him relax. “It’s Neal. Dad, I’m here. Just relax.” His own heart was racing as he watched his father struggle. He knew there was no point in calling an ambulance right now. His dad would die before the paramedics showed up. He just wanted to be in the room, holding his hand as he was now. James looked up at Neal blearily and Neal tried to smile and failed miserably as tears welled up in his eyes. “It’s okay, dad,” he whispered.

The nurse still called an ambulance nonetheless, knowing there was nothing she could do. She knew as well as Neal that James wasn’t going to survive. “N-Ne-al.”

Neal hushed him, crying as he said, “I love you, dad. I’m so glad you came into my life.” He leaned down towards his dad and kissed his forehead, listening to his father’s breathing accelerate and eventually even out. The grip James had on Neal’s hand slackened and the room was very silent moments later. His chest heaved as he straightened up and stared at his dad’s face. He was still holding James’ hand, but there was no life in the man in front of him. “I love you so much,” he whispered into the silence as he sobbed quietly, getting on his knees beside James’ bed. He held his father’s hand in both of his and cried for his father even though he was beyond grateful that James wasn’t suffering anymore. The end hadn’t been a peaceful end, but he wasn’t suffering now.

He stayed where he was, holding his father’s hand as he cried, until the paramedics showed up. There was nothing they could do. The cancer had finally taken James. Neal just prayed that his father was in better place than he had been in his final moments. The paramedics gave him a few moments to compose himself before he allowed them to take his father. They would take him to the hospital even though they all knew he was gone.

Neal stood in his father’s bedroom after they took him out on a gurney and tears continued to slide down the sides of his face. He felt so alone. Both of his parents and the woman he considered more of a mother than his own mother were all gone.

The only blood family he had left that he was in direct contact with was his brother and his son. Other than that, he had no other family. Then again, his own brother lost both of his parents as well and Neal had been the killer in one instance. Michael never resented Neal for killing Vincent and he made sure his older brother understood that.

Glancing down at the floor, he found his phone. Peter, no doubt, heard everything that happened and was probably worried sick waiting for Neal to pick up again. Bending down, he picked it up and checked it. Fortunately, Peter was still on the line. “ _Honey? Are you there? Sweetheart?_ ”

“He’s gone,” Neal whispered as he began to sob again. He was very fortunate to have family he could cling to. Not only did he have his son and brother, but he has his wonderful husband and their twins. His husband, children, and brother were the only family he knew he could rely on.

 _I’m sorry, Neal. Sweetheart, get on Skype. Please?_ ”

“Yes,” Neal said instantly, rubbing his face as he left his father’s room and went into his temporary bedroom. He grabbed his laptop and initiated the Skype call with Peter. Peter was at work, but Peter didn’t give a damn. He wanted to be with his husband even with the distance between them.

As soon as the call connected, Neal could see that Peter was crying as well.


	59. Chapter 59

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal goes home to spend time with his family before heading back to DC with Peter.

Peter pulled Neal into a very tight, yet very comfortable, embrace the second Neal came home to get him so they could drive down to DC together. “Thank you,” Neal whispered into the crook of Peter’s neck.

“I’m always going to be right here when you need me,” Peter promised. He rubbed Neal’s back, knowing his husband was still hurting. Peter gave Neal the time he needed to be alone and then he was thrilled when Neal called to tell him he was heading back to New York to pick him up. “Do you want to say hey to the kids and mom and dad?”

“Yeah.” Neal backed up when Peter began to let go of him. He sniffled and gave his husband a sad smile. He’d kept himself from crying while he was driving because he knew how emotional he’d get if he allowed himself to cry and the last thing he wanted to do was get into an accident.

The two of them went into the house together and Nicky was sitting on the couch, watching television. He knew Neal was supposed to come home very briefly, but he wasn’t sure when he’d actually get there. “Hey, buddy. Look who’s home,” Peter said as he brought Neal along with him.

“Daddy!” Nicky yelled at the top of his lungs, jumping off of the couch. He ran to Neal and crashed against him like a miniature tidal wave. Neal smiled as he wrapped his arms around his son. “I missed you so much.”

“I missed you, too, little guy.” His heart warmed considerably when Nicky nuzzled his face against his chest. He stroked his son’s hair and murmured, “I hope you were good for your poppa.” Nicky nodded, hugging his dad. Neal knew Nicky was trying to make him feel better, but Nicky didn’t understand that the smile on his face when he’d seen Neal walk in… That made him happy. For his teenage son to be that excited and happy to see him, he definitely loves his dad. Neal never doubted that Nicky loved him, but he felt like a failure, like he didn’t deserve his son’s love. “God… I missed you so much.”

Peter smiled as he watched his husband and son. He hadn’t told Nicky to do anything when Neal got home, so this was really touching. “Hi, sweetheart,” Hannah said as she emerged from the kitchen. Nicky backed off, but he took Neal’s left hand in his right, rubbing his dad’s wedding ring while Hannah came over to hug Neal. Because Neal’s hand was linked with Nicky’s, the most he could offer his mother-in-law was a half-hug. “How’re you doing?” she asked as she held him close.

Neal smiled sadly. “I’m okay. My uncle is taking care of funeral arrangements, but he’s consulting me before making things official.”

“Have you met most of that side of the family?”

They parted a bit and he shook his head. “I met my uncle and his boyfriend. My grandmother is flying in as are some of my cousins, I guess.” Glancing at Peter, he added, “I need a familiar face there with me or I don’t think I’ll be able to make it through the funeral without having an anxiety attack.”

Hannah chatted with Neal a little bit before Jon came downstairs. As soon as he saw Neal, Peter knew his father wanted to hold Neal. This was the first time they’d seen him in person since he’d faked his death. “Neal,” Jon said as he came down the stairs. Neal turned and Nicky let go of Neal’s hand then. Jon pulled Neal into an embrace, the most loving embrace he’d ever received from a parental figure. “It’s good to see you, son,” he whispered near Neal’s ear. Neal shut his eyes, knowing he was going to start crying now. Jon impacted him in such an extreme way because Jon was the first man he’d considered an actual father.

Jon intimidated him at first, as all older men usually did, but Jon proved time and time again that he loves Neal. “Good to see you, too, dad,” he whispered.

Peter knew his father was whispering sweet things to Neal because Neal began to cry against the older man and he clung to him. Jon lifted his right hand to cradle the back of Neal’s head, keeping his left arm around Neal’s torso. He always tried to make sure Neal knew he was loved and appreciated. He was hushing Neal and it reminded Peter of nights when Neal was trying to calm the twins down.

“I love you,” Jon whispered to him. Peter smiled as his father stroked Neal’s hair. “I love you so much, Neal.”

When the two parted, Peter could see how tearstained his husband’s face was, but he was smiling. Whatever Jon said to him, it made him happy. “I love you, too, dad,” he said as he rubbed his eyes. 

Peter took his husband up to their bedroom and they sat on the bed together, sitting directly across from each other until Neal crawled closer, snuggling with the older man. “You okay, hon?” Neal nodded, sniffling quietly. “What did dad say that made you cry?”

“He told me I’m his baby boy and he said he’ll hold me whenever I need him.” Peter nodded, knowing his father overheard a conversation he and Neal had over Skype. Neal confided in Peter that he’d been held by his father before his death and told him that it was a special experience for him, something he wished he could’ve had more of. Jon, being the dad he is and loving Neal like his own son, offered that comforting experience to him. “Dad always makes me feel important to him. After everything I’ve been through with older men, I’m very lucky to have him for a dad.”

“Hey,” Peter teased, rubbing Neal’s arm. “I’m older than you.”

Neal smacked Peter’s chest. “You aren’t that much older than me. We could have gone to high school together—that’s how close in age we are.”

Peter rolled his eyes. “I would’ve been a senior when you were a freshman.” Neal smiled a little to himself, wishing he’d met Peter back then. If he’d met Peter in high school, he may have actually graduated. “Whatcha thinking about, hon?”

“I’m just imagining us being in high school together,” Neal said quietly, looking up at him. “If we’d met back then, would you have taken me to your senior prom?”

“Yes,” Peter said instantly. “Back then, we wouldn’t have been able to go as an official couple, but I would’ve taken you and danced with you anyway.” He knew he would have done all of that and more if he’d been with Neal in high school. He never met a man he was completely attracted to until the day he met his future husband. Peter almost asked Neal if Neal would have given him his virginity on prom night, but he bit his tongue. That was a very inappropriate question to ask and, given Neal’s lifestyle at the time, Neal probably would have said no because he was afraid of older men. They’re just barely four years apart in age, but Peter probably would have scared Neal a little if he asked to have sex with him. He’d lost his virginity several years following his prom night, but he would have saved it for Neal if he’d been with Neal.

Neal nuzzled his face against Peter’s throat, murmuring, “You’re a good dancer. It would have been a lot of fun to go with you.” And that was why Peter had thrown Neal an impromptu prom one night as a surprise. He knew Neal didn’t get to experience prom or graduation, so he’d accomplished giving Neal a prom experience even if it was a little over fifteen years too late. Neal enjoyed it nonetheless and Peter remembered having a night of very passionate lovemaking after that.

After speaking to Nicky and Trent, they were going to throw Neal a small graduation party while they celebrated. By then, Neal would be forty-one, but Neal would probably love it. Peter was already planning on making a diploma for Neal. He still had his high school diploma, so he could easily replicate it for Neal. They’d do the whole commencement ceremony for Neal, Nicky, and Trent… Peter loves the boys for taking Neal into consideration when they do things. Especially Nicky. Nicky knew Neal missed out on a lot of things, so he tried to include Neal in them in order to make up for what he’d missed.

For Neal’s own son to consider doing something that special… Peter already knew Neal was an amazing dad, but Nicky _revered_ Neal—to the maximum. Nicky loves his father to an extent that Peter didn’t even think Neal was aware of. “I’m trying to imagine dancing with a fifteen year old you,” Peter said after several moments, smiling when Neal chuckled.

“I don’t think I’m a very good dancer—even worse at fifteen.”

Peter shook his head. “You dance very well actually,” he said. “God. If only…”

Neal rubbed Peter’s chest, kissing Peter’s throat. “If only,” he repeated quietly. “Everything would have been worth it.” He thought about that a moment later and realized that he may not have Nicky if he and Peter met back then. He liked to think that his life would be exactly like this, but better. Truth be told, he probably wouldn’t have gone on to become an alcoholic if he’d met Peter, which meant that he never would have been intoxicated enough to have sex with Kate. “Well, for the most part anyway,” he whispered. “I wouldn’t change any of this though. I love you. I love our kids. I love your parents… I’m happy with the way things are.”

“I know, baby.” Because Neal was being so sincere, Peter knew he couldn’t swoop in and crash Neal’s sincerity. He’s happy with everything as it is within their home, their love life. What made him unhappy was the fact that his husband suffered tremendously and he knew there was damn near close to nothing he could do to help Neal sometimes. He wished Neal had a normal childhood. Neal deserved a man who loved him like a son. Peter is still disgusted by Vincent after all of this time. The bastard came into Neal’s life when he was young and he’d turned Neal’s life upside-down the moment he’d married Neal’s mother and they moved into his beautiful home. Neal didn’t like Vincent, but Vincent _liked_ Neal—too much.

“What’s wrong?” Neal’s concerned voice snapped Peter out of his anger and he glanced down at his husband, seeing the concern in his eyes. “Peter, what is it?”

“Nothing, honey.” He rubbed Neal’s arm, hoping that would both distract and convince him enough.

Neal batted Peter’s hands away and sat up. “You’re tense, you shuddered, and now you’re misdirecting.” Peter wasn’t willing to respond. He didn’t like bringing Neal down and this would, undoubtedly, bring his lover down several levels. “Peter Michael, you’ve been my husband for almost four years and we’ve been together for almost six years. You know me so well. Do you think I don’t know you?”

Peter shrugged. “It’s not important, baby. Nothing to concern yourself about.” He could see the hurt in Neal’s eyes and he resented himself for making Neal look that way. “Everything’s fine, sweetheart. Don’t worry, okay?” Neal frowned and looked away from Peter, which made Peter’s heart ache. He didn’t want to lie to Neal, but he didn’t want to hurt him either. By lying, he was already causing Neal pain. “I was thinking about you and Vincent.”

Neal’s eyes widened as he returned his gaze to his husband. “ _Why?_ ” he asked incredulously.

Cringing, Peter said, “Because thinking about everything he did to you, all of the pain he inflicted, the fear he instilled… It pisses me off. You deserved a normal, happy life, but that son of a bitch ripped that away from you.” Neal took Peter’s hand in his, but Peter wasn’t done yet. “It makes me so fucking unhappy because I wish I could take that pain and fear away. I wish you never had to suffer, to know how it feels to have a man fuck you to the point where you were bleeding and in a tremendous amount of pain, to have endured torture at the hands of sadists. You’re scarred physically, emotionally, and psychologically and I can’t do a damn thing to help you, but I want to help you so badly.”

“Peter,” Neal whispered, getting closer to his husband. “Hey, hey, hey,” he said gently, trying to calm Peter down before his rage got the best of him. “I’m okay—and I told you that you make me happy, Peter. You don’t have to have the ability to cure me of all my scars, fears, concerns, et cetera to satisfy me.” Peter’s left hand balled up into a fist, which sent a surge of fear through Neal. Neal knew Peter would never hit him, but Peter was really upset right now. “Peter, you’ve shown me what it feels like to be cherished, loved for the man I am. Vincent didn’t take that away. He couldn’t take away the part of me that’s capable of love. He didn’t hurt me to the point where I never wanted to love someone or be loved by someone.”

Peter looked at him and Neal relaxed when Peter’s fist opened up. “You deserve unconditional love,” Peter said fiercely as he stared into Neal’s stormy blue eyes. “You never deserved less than that.”

Neal nodded, lifting his right hand to stroke Peter’s hair gently. “And look at the man I married,” he said softly, smiling a little. “He loves me unconditionally. He’s been here for me through so much more than I ever expected from him.” Peter glanced down at his right hand that was holding onto Neal’s left hand, the hand with the gleaming, silvery proof that they're bound to each other. “He makes me happier than he realizes. All it takes is a small smile in my direction because I can see the way he looks at me. I can see the love in his eyes and know that this, this love we feel, is a beautiful thing. I know he’s the man I’m spending forever with. I know he’s the man I—”

The older man took his husband by surprise, shoving him onto his back on the mattress while simultaneously kissing him hard. Neal tried to slide his arms around Peter’s neck, but Peter pinned Neal’s hands down onto the mattress on either side of his head. A small thrill of excitement made him shudder as he grinded up against the man who was grinding into him. He figured Peter was probably sexually frustrated after having to spend time away from him voluntarily and he felt really egocentric as he thought that, but he liked having that effect on his husband after all these years.

“I want to make love to you,” Peter whispered as he peppered kisses along Neal’s jaw line. “Please tell me if you want me to.”

“Always,” Neal said breathlessly. “Yours—always yours.” He gasped quietly when Peter’s tongue slid along his skin slowly. It felt like electricity was surging through his body. “Yes. Yes, Peter. _Yes._ ”

Clothes were shed and tossed onto the floor and both men got themselves beneath their blanket. Neal’s legs were already bent, waiting for Peter to get between them. It didn’t take much time at all for them to properly lubricate themselves before Peter slid into his husband, kissing him simultaneously to swallow up his loud moans.

He held Neal’s right leg against his body, sliding his right arm beneath Neal to hold him close while he rocked against his husband. It honestly hadn’t been that long since they’d last been together, but he missed Neal so much and he was so frustrated by the fact that Neal was suffering the loss of his father because he couldn’t help that either. He wanted to make Neal feel better and, apparently, this was one way to do it.

Neither of them knew how long they’d been in their bedroom, but they were both spent afterwards. Peter was lying on top of Neal, breathing heavily. “Have I ever told you that you’re so warm?”

Neal chuckled, nodding. “It could also just be the fact that we finished making love, like, two minutes ago.”

Peter licked the sweat on Neal’s chest and Neal shivered. “So warm, so beautiful, and you even taste good…”

“Geez. I think someone needs to get some sleep,” he teased, rubbing the back of Peter’s neck gently. “Did you even sleep last night? After we got off of Skype?” Peter shook his head. “How come?”

“Because you were coming home,” Peter whispered. “I wanted to be awake when you finally got here regardless of the time.” He rubbed Neal’s abdomen, smiling softly as he closed his eyes. “I couldn’t wait to see you.”

Neal smiled. “Go to sleep, babe.”

And Peter didn’t need to be told twice. Within minutes, he was passed out, his warm breath caressing Neal’s skin. Neal just smirked and rolled his eyes. He loves Peter so much and Peter loves him enough to lose sleep over him. That was something that really touched him even though he knew that wasn’t healthy for Peter if he did it on a daily basis—thank God he doesn’t. Neither of them liked sleeping apart, so it was always difficult. Neal was able to fall asleep because he’d been listening to Peter’s soothing voice on the phone and Peter was able to sleep because he’d stayed on the line to listen to Neal sleep quietly.

He closed his eyes for a few minutes and then decided that he wasn’t tired enough to fall asleep with Peter just yet. Even after Peter brought him off twice, he wasn’t _that_ tired. He wanted to wait for Peter before showering, but he didn’t want to go downstairs and be all sweaty and disheveled in front of their family.

Sighing quietly, Neal slid out of bed. He could at least wipe himself down a bit and fix his hair before going downstairs to join the others. After all, the kids are his and Peter’s. Peter’s been watching them diligently since Neal left for DC, so Neal decided it was his turn to return the favor even though both Jon and Hannah were downstairs with them. The kids were just as important to them as they were to each other. They’d made love together, so he knew he should head down and see the kids. He and Peter had to leave for DC shortly anyway if they wanted to attend the funeral the following day. Neal had to finalize a few things, but most of the arrangements were already made. Nonetheless, he did want to be there to say one last goodbye to his father.

•◊•

“You okay?” Peter asked as he walked beside his husband, hand in hand, to the funeral home. Neal nodded and Peter could see the younger man’s pain on his face. Stopping for a moment, he pulled Neal aside and wrapped his arms around him, holding him close. “You don’t have to put up a strong front,” he whispered. “He’s your dad. If you need to cry, you’re going to cry—and I will be right here with you, okay? If anyone says shit about you crying, they’ll deal with my wrath.”

Neal laughed a watery laugh and Peter knew Neal was already beginning to cry. “I love you.”

“I love you, too, angel,” he said as he kissed Neal’s neck.

After a few moments of just holding each other, they made their way inside. Neal wasn’t kidding when he said he needed a familiar face with him. Peter didn’t recognize a single person in the room and he imagined that Neal knew maybe one or two of them at best, but only because he’d met them before heading back up to New York.

Neal squeezed Peter’s hand and Peter intertwined their fingers instead of simply holding Neal’s hand in his. He was silently thanking Peter for being with him because he didn’t think he’d be able to make it through all of this without Peter at his side. Walking into a room where he knew absolutely no one was a frightening thought. He didn’t know what anyone was capable of—even if they are family. The only family he trusted was the one he’d made with Peter. Peter earned his trust, as did Peter’s parents. “I don’t know if I have to say anything about him in front of everyone,” he whispered when the two of them went to stand off to the side together.

Everyone was viewing the casket with Neal’s father in it and they all looked very somber as they passed. “I don’t think you do. You don’t know any of them. It would only make you uncomfortable, baby.” Neal nodded, leaning against Peter for support. Peter kissed Neal’s hair, sighing contentedly. He was lucky to have Neal with him and he was glad Neal wanted him here. Neal didn’t need to feel any more alone than he already does, so Peter gladly went along with his husband down to DC. It was the least he could do for Neal at the moment, but it meant the most to Neal.

Peter stood at his husband’s side and watched the family he’d never get to know. As far as he was concerned, Neal wasn’t part of this family. None of them knew him and he didn’t know them. “Hey, kid.”

Immediately on the defensive, Peter shifted a bit to protect Neal. He didn’t trust anyone who had the potential to hurt his husband. “Hey,” Neal said quietly. “Uh.” He glanced up at Peter and added, “This is my husband, Peter. Peter, this is my uncle.”

“John Bennett,” he said, smiling shyly at Peter. That didn’t go unnoticed by Neal, but he didn’t worry because they wouldn’t be staying very long, so John wouldn’t have the opportunity to make a pass at Peter—not that he had a chance in hell anyway.

Peter nodded, accepting the handshake from Neal’s uncle. He thought it was kind of funny—his father’s name is Jon and Neal’s uncle is John as well. Peter watched Neal’s uncle head over to a man Peter assumed was his partner. He watched them and just stared at them incredulously. They were both extremely flamboyant. He wasn’t sure how they functioned, but damn. “You thought you were flaming?” Peter muttered to Neal, glancing down at him to see Neal smiling at him. “Dear God. I’m glad you aren’t that gay.” Neal chuckled, shaking his head.

“I’m just being myself. I’m a girl trapped in a guy’s body, but I’m still a guy.”

Peter smacked Neal’s ass and Neal stifled a laugh. Now wasn’t exactly the appropriate time to laugh, especially since this was _his_ father’s funeral. “Nothing about you makes me think ‘girl,’ so knock that off.” He nodded towards Neal’s uncle and his boyfriend. “Those two, they’re questionable… You, my love, are perfectly male and gay at the same time without burning like a God damn bonfire.”

Neal leaned against Peter and Peter wrapped his arms around Neal. “You’re perfect,” Neal whispered. “I’m glad you’re mine.”

Both men attempted to mingle with James’ side of the family and Neal was doing a better job at it. Peter felt uncomfortable. The FBI agent in him kept his eyes darting back and forth as men approached Neal left and right every now and then. A very sketchy man approached Neal and Peter bristled a bit when the man took Neal’s hand in his. “I’m sorry for your loss,” was all he said before letting go of Neal’s hand. “Your father was a good man.”

“He was,” Neal whispered, agreeing.

When the man walked away, Peter asked, “Do you know who he was?”

Neal glanced up at his husband, raising an eyebrow. “Jesus. You’re like my bodyguard.” Peter kept looking at Neal until Neal answered, “I think he’s my cousin.” He slid his left arm around Peter’s waist and rested his right hand on Peter’s chest. “Relax, teddy. You’re such a sweetheart and I appreciate that you’re being a macho man for me, but I don’t think anyone is going to—”

“I’m not being a macho man,” Peter said. “I’m being your husband. I love you dearly and I want to keep you safe.”

Peter walked with Neal up to the casket. For the longest time, Neal tried to avoid seeing it. He’d been there when his dad died, but it would still hurt to see him like this. Peter rubbed Neal’s wedding ring when Neal reached into the casket and rested his hand atop James’. “I’m glad we had the chance to meet, dad,” he whispered. “It doesn’t make up for thirty years, but it was enough for me. You met your son, your grandchildren, and your son-in-law.” Sighing shakily, he added, “Thank you for coming into my life—even if it wasn’t very long. I’ll miss you…” Under his breath, he said, “I love you, dad.”

This was hard on Neal. He hadn’t gone to his mother’s funeral, so he wasn’t prepared to see his biological parent lying in a casket. “It’s okay to cry,” Peter whispered to him as they walked away. One look at Neal told him that Neal was holding back. His jaw was set firmly and he was blinking quickly. Peter rubbed his thumb over Neal’s hand gently, reminding him that he isn’t alone—that he’ll never be alone again.

As soon as Neal led them into the hall outside of the showing room, Neal broke down. Peter held him and let him cry it out. He knew Neal would allow him this if their positions were reversed and he was more than willing to be Neal’s support, even if he was only a shoulder to cry on for the moment. Peter’s left hand rested on Neal’s lower back and his right hand cradled Neal’s head while Neal cried into the crook of Peter’s neck.

Peter glanced around, daring anyone to make a comment. He’d beat the shit out of anyone who said something about his husband crying with him. Neal’s a very sensitive man and this was his father. He had the right to cry his eyes out if he wanted to and Peter was more than willing to encourage him if he needed it. “I’m sorry,” Neal said as he shifted his weight, holding onto Peter. “I just got snot all over your neck.”

The older man chuckled, murmuring, “The twins have done it before, so don’t worry.” Neal chuckled as well and Peter reached behind him, grabbing a tissue. “Here, hon,” he whispered, giving Neal the tissue. Instead of blowing his nose or using it for his face, he wiped off Peter’s neck. “You’re such a daddy.” Neal smiled and Peter lifted his hands to wipe Neal’s tears away. “I love you, sweetheart, and I’m really sorry.”

“There’s no reason for you to be sorry.” He tilted his head up a bit and Peter didn’t hesitate to kiss him. “I love you, too,” he whispered a moment later. Rubbing Peter’s shoulders, he breathed shakily. “I really appreciate that you came down with me. This would be a lot harder to do without you.”

“You’re my hubby and he’s my father-in-law. I’ll do anything and everything for my family.”

Peter drove the Taurus behind the hearse with James’ casket in it. They were heading to the cemetery now and Peter didn’t want Neal driving since Neal was so emotional. The last thing Neal needed was to start crying and lose control of the vehicle—and subsequently get one or both of them killed. So Peter decided to play it safe. “I’m lucky,” Neal whispered as he glanced at Peter, “to have such an amazing husband. You traveled down to DC with me to go to my dad’s funeral and that means a lot to me.”

“I came down with you when you were getting tested as well,” Peter added. “All you need to do is say the word and I’m at your command, honey.” Neal tentatively inched his hand closer to Peter’s until Peter realized that Neal wanted to hold his hand. He took Neal’s hand and intertwined their fingers, smiling softly while he drove. “You are my priority—your happiness feeds mine.”

Neal kept his eyes on Peter while Peter drove, mentally listing all of the reasons he loves the man beside him. Peter stood at his side through so much and he was right there to comfort Neal during the burial. Neal truly appreciated his husband, wishing he could think of some way to make it up to him. It meant so much to have someone do things for him without him having to get on his knees and beg.

By the time they’d gotten home, it was almost five the following morning. They’d endured the burial, packed Neal up, and Peter drove them up.

Upon getting home, both men couldn’t even make it up the stairs. They dropped Neal’s bags in the living room and crashed on their couch. Peter’s back was against the back of the couch and he held Neal in front of him. Neal was exhausted after crying so much, so he immediately fell asleep upon snuggling up to Peter. “You boys look comfortable,” Jon said quietly as he came out of the kitchen. “How is he?”

Peter yawned quietly, kissing his husband’s temple. “He’s okay. He kept thanking me for being there and I’m actually glad I went with him. He would’ve been alone most of the time. A few of his family members said they were sorry to hear about James, but, other than that, no one really tried to associate themselves with him.”

Jon sat down on the other couch and just watched the two men curled up together. He felt a swell of pride in his chest as he watched Peter care for Neal. He’d shifted the blanket on the couch to cover Neal and he was stroking Neal’s hair gently. Jon taught Peter to be a perfect gentleman and he was glad it paid off in the end. He knows his son is a good man, but it was nice to see that good nature in action. “That’s really unfortunate,” Jon whispered. “I’m glad you went with him, Peter.”

“I wanted to be there for him,” Peter said softly as he kissed Neal’s temple again. “He needed me and I wanted to support him. I don’t know how he’s feeling emotionally because I haven’t gone through things he has, but I’m trying to empathize.”

The older man chuckled, smiling sadly at his son. “You’ll know how he feels soon enough—and he’ll be the one giving you support.”

“If you tell me you have cancer, I swear to God…”

“I don’t,” Jon said, laughing lightly. “Mom and I are both very healthy. Don’t worry. I’ll be here to tease you and Neal a little while longer.”

Peter shook his head. “You damn well better be,” he said with a small smile. “Neal loves you to death and I definitely want the twins to meet their grandpa.”

Jon kept his eyes on Neal as he said, “He really surprised me when he allowed Nicky to call me his grandpa. Considering Neal’s own parents, I felt very honored. Vincent never would have been a grandpa and James… Well, he just wasn’t around long enough to prove that he’s grandpa material.” James hadn’t even been called ‘grandpa’ or ‘granddaddy.’ He was always just dad’s dad to Nicky.

“He wasn’t in Neal’s life, so he didn’t know how to be a dad properly, but he still tried.”

Shrugging, Jon said, “Imagine walking into your son’s life after thirty-some years. He has no idea who you are, you have no idea who he is, and the situation itself is uncomfortable because you don’t know what to expect from each other.”

“You sound like you have experience with that,” Peter said, furrowing his brows.

“I do. Your grandpa was like James, Peter. My father wasn’t in my life until well after we had Cara and you. He and I never had the kind of bond that I have with you, with Neal, and with Nicky. The grandchildren I have through you and Neal may not be related to me by blood, but I’m honored to be their grandpa.” And he meant that. He was always disheartened when he thought about Peter and El after Peter told them that they couldn’t have kids. Jon inferred that Peter was…infertile upon discovering that Peter’s ex-wife and her wife have a daughter carried by Elizabeth. He couldn’t even begin to imagine how Peter felt when he drew that conclusion himself. Then again, he was already with Neal by that point and they were adopting together anyway, so it may not have affected him as strongly as it would have had he stayed with El. “It means a great deal to look at your children and have them smile at me. When Nicky calls me ‘grandpa,’ I feel satisfied.”

Peter nodded as Neal shifted a bit, scooting closer to Peter, shoving his leg between Peter’s involuntarily. Neal’s leg was spasming and Peter tried to keep it under control by rubbing it gently. “I honestly thought I’d never have kids of my own and I know that upset you and mom as much as it upset me, but I’m grateful for the fact that Neal had a son when I met him.” He rubbed Neal’s side, smiling at his husband’s sleeping form. “I’m a dad because of him. If Neal and I never met and fell in love, I never would have had children. Elizabeth and I didn’t want to adopt. Nicky was almost nine by the time I met him and discussions with Neal made adoption sound like a wonderful idea.”

“I’m glad you two have a family of your own,” Jon said softly. “It’s wonderful to see you both in action. Peter, despite what you may think, you’re an excellent father. Neal can see that and I wish you could, too. Hell, hasn’t your boy told you enough that he loves his poppa?”

Peter blushed a bit, nodding. “He has. Nick’s a very sweet kid. He’s been so kind to me since I met him. If he didn’t like me, there never would have been a ‘Neal and me.’ Neal loved me back then, but Nicky came first—and I’ve never resented him for putting his child first. In fact, he’s my hero because he puts others before himself.” Neal allowed himself to suffer through rape and pure torture in order to save Peter, who’d only been his boyfriend at the time, as well as his own son from experiencing that torment. Neal earned his undying love and respect that day because it proved to him that Neal truly loves him. Had he not been in love with Peter, Peter didn’t think Neal would have gone to the extreme to protect him. “I love my family,” he whispered. “I’m happy with him and I love watching him sign documents and such because he signs it _Neal G. Burke._ Seeing my last name after his name… That’s special.”

“He’s a very special man,” Jon agreed. “As I’ve told him before, I’ll kick your ass, Peter Michael, if you ever try to leave this boy.”

Raising an eyebrow, Peter said, “You honestly think I’d ever leave him? I love him far too much to consider my life without him and our kids in it. Besides that point, I know too much. Mozzie would have me killed.”

Jon chuckled, nodding. He liked Mozzie—it made him wonder how such a quirky man ended up caring for the sensitive man they all grew to love dearly. “He’s as much my son as you are now. I don’t want to imagine a life without him either.”

“He’s my family,” Peter whispered. “Family sticks together through thick and thin. I don’t ever plan on walking away from him temporarily or permanently. Separating from him would kill a very large portion of the person I am.” He held Neal a little tighter, looking both possessive and loving at the same time. “Neal has been my family since we got together. I knew I was going to love him for the rest of my life when I looked into his eyes the day I met him.” Laughing lightly, he added, “I don’t know how it feels to not be in love with Neal—and I hope to his God that I never fall out of love with him because it would be far too painful. Living my life without loving him, without him loving me...” He didn’t even want to think about it ever being a possibility. Neal belongs to him as much as he belongs to Neal and they both shared their hearts and souls with each other.

After everything they’ve been through, there was no way in hell he’d ever let them lose what they have. Their relationship was far too strong, too passionate, and too personal to even consider living without.


	60. Chapter 60

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neal begins to have nightmares again.

Peter woke up when he was kicked rather violently. He could hear the rain hitting their bedroom window, the thunder rumbling outside, and Neal was crying in his sleep beside him. He shook Neal’s arm gently, watching his face. He figured Neal turned over at some point and buried his face against Peter’s chest, seeking comfort subconsciously. Apparently, that hadn’t worked. “Neal,” he said urgently as Neal began to thrash. “Neal, wake up.” Sweat was glistening on Neal’s body and Peter didn’t know what was going on. They’d gone straight to sleep after making love—nothing unusual about that. “Neal, honey, it’s just a dream.”

Lightning cracked like a whip and Neal screamed in terror, twisting towards Peter instinctually. His eyes finally opened and he gasped. “Peter!” he pleaded. “ _Peter!_ ”

“I’m here, Neal. I’m here.” He hushed Neal gently and rested his hand over Neal’s frantically beating heart. “It’s okay. You’re safe. I promise.” Neal stared up at Peter, eyes wide and full of tears. “You’re safe. You’re home—in bed with me.” Peter sat up a bit and Neal, like a frightened child, scrambled into Peter’s lap, holding onto him for dear life. Peter didn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around his husband and kiss his hair. “You’re safe,” he said for the third time. He, literally, held Neal in his arms and rocked him gently. He kept hushing Neal, rocking him while rubbing his bare skin in what he hoped was a soothing manner, occasionally kissing Neal’s hair in the hopes of reminding Neal that he’s loved.

Neal trembled against Peter, but he wanted this. He needed Peter. “I’m so sorry,” he said miserably. “I-I…”

Peter whispered, “Don’t be sorry. It’s okay, sweetheart.” Neal’s fingers rubbed Peter’s chest tentatively, tracing the bullet scar. “Are you okay though? You didn’t hurt yourself while you were sleeping, did you?”

“My leg hurts,” he whispered.

“Come on, hon. Let’s go check it out in the bathroom.” It was a very slow process, but they made it. Neal turned the light on and Peter glanced down at Neal’s hand, noticing that it was resting over his scarred thigh. “Move your hand,” Peter said softly as he sank to his knees in front of his husband. Neal moved his hand and Peter observed the thigh closely. “You might’ve been scratching the skin a bit. It looks irritated, but it isn’t bleeding.” He tentatively touched the skin and Neal hissed. He knew that’s what Neal had done. The marks were definitely caused by his fingernails. It was done subconsciously and, as per usual, Peter didn’t blame Neal for behaving this way. He wanted to understand why his husband had been dreaming about Vincent, Craig, or both bastards. He hoped to God that he wasn’t the reason Neal had this nightmare.

“What does this mean?” Neal asked, sounding so small and uncertain.

Peter bit his lip, thinking for a few moments before answering. “I’m not sure,” he admitted. “Don’t worry though. It isn’t like you pissed me off or anything.” Neal looked away and Peter rose to his full height. He gently gripped Neal’s chin and guided his face until their eyes met. “I love you,” he said slowly, making sure Neal understood those three words. “There’s no reason to believe I’m upset.” He kissed Neal’s forehead before resting both hands on Neal’s shoulders. “Everything is okay. I’m just really concerned about you, honey.”

Neal closed the distance between them, holding onto Peter like a lifeline. “It was horrible,” Neal whispered. Peter didn’t want to force Neal to talk about his nightmare, but he wouldn’t discourage him if he wanted to open up. “Not only were they cutting me and raping me, but they were…were…” He swallowed hard and whispered, “I was dead. They were tearing me to pieces.”

The older man’s eyes widened and he was glad Neal couldn’t see how angry he’d suddenly become. “They can’t do that to you,” Peter whispered in response. “Neither of them can ever hurt you again. They’re both six feet under—permanently.” Neal nodded, closing his eyes. “I’m not going to let another man inside of your beautiful body,” he promised. “I will kill anyone who tries to touch you.” He wanted to claim Neal as his own aloud, but he felt like that may be pushing things at the moment considering Neal just had an awful nightmare. Playing it safe, he added, “I refuse to watch you suffer through another recovery process. You’ve come so far and I won’t have anyone fuck up your progress.”

“Thank you,” Neal whispered sincerely. “I trust you, Peter. I trust you with my life, my children’s lives… You’re the only man I’ve learned to trust with everything.” Peter’s anger began to simmer a bit and he kissed Neal’s neck gently. “I’ve made progress in my life because of you, because I had you to encourage me every step of the way. I had you to support me, to care for me, to love me. If not for you, I don’t… I don’t think I’d be who I am right now. Psychologically, I’m sure I would need an asylum.”

Peter always hated when Neal said that. He didn’t think Neal needed to be labeled as a psychopath and be locked away forever. Neal doesn’t hurt others. He isn’t violent and he doesn’t rape children. He, despite his past, is actually pretty stable. He was, at times, emotionally disturbed, but he was learning to overcome those small setbacks. “No matter what happens to you, you’ll never be insane, Neal. You’re a smart, sweet, sensitive man. I’m very proud of you and I love you for all that you are.”

Neal blushed a little and that warmed Peter’s heart. “Why do you think I appreciate having you in my life?” he whispered. “You know everything there is to know about me, but you’re still here. You stayed with me when I told you I had a son, when I told you I was raped as a teenager… You stayed with me through everything and I _never_ expected that. I wouldn’t ask you to spend your life with me if I made you miserable.” Peter rubbed his husband’s back, kissing his cheek. “The fact that you’re so willing to stay, to prove that you love me on a daily basis… Peter, I’m never kidding when I tell you I don’t know where I’d be without you. I didn’t know how it felt to actually have my body respected. I didn’t know what it was like to have my own opinion, to voice my own thoughts. You’ve given me so much freedom.”

“It’s not freedom, hon. It’s life. I may be your husband, but I can’t control you nor do I want to.” They separated enough to look at each other’s faces. “You live your life and I live mine, but we’re sharing them with each other. I do things that upset you and you do things that upset me, but that’s just life, honey. If I let every little thing get to me, what kind of man would I be?”

“A major asshole.”

“…That was meant to be rhetorical, Neal George.” Neal smiled faintly and Peter shook his head, sighing contentedly. “Yes, I’d be a major asshole if I yelled at you for every little thing you do. Like, you know, leaving the God damn razor out in the open.”

Neal raised an eyebrow. “Says the man who hides it on me and bitches at me when I’ve got scruff.”

Peter chuckled, kissing Neal’s forehead. “We’ll eventually compromise on that.”

“In essence, you’re saying I need to get my own razor.”

“I love you.”

Neal blushed again and smiled a genuinely happy smile. “I love you, too, Peter.” They just stared into each other’s eyes for a few moments before Neal laughed lightly and whispered, “I don’t know how you always do it, but you always make me feel so much better within a very short time.”

Peter shrugged, taking Neal’s hands in his. “It’s in my job description. I took ‘husband lessons one-oh-one.’” Neal shook his head, leaning towards Peter, sighing against him. “When you’re happy, I’m happy.” He always meant that. Even now, standing completely naked in their bathroom, his sole purpose at the moment was to make sure Neal was okay. He could easily let his eyes roam over Neal’s throat, his broad shoulders, his sculpted chest and abdomen… Neal was just full of beauty in Peter’s eyes. His body was perfect. Scars didn’t matter to Peter because he still had warm skin to touch, warm skin to kiss.

The only thing better than Neal’s body was his smile. His smile had the ability to make him glow, especially when it touched his eyes. When his eyes lit up in that way, Peter knew Neal was truly happy. He’d seen that particular look focused on himself as well as their children.

“I’m always happy with you,” Neal whispered. “Always.”

Peter believed him. Excluding arguments they’ve had, they were content with each other—very satisfied. “I hope I can keep you that happy, baby boy. What gets me going in the morning is seeing you smile at me.” He gently pecked Neal’s lips and whispered, “I love your smile. I love your eyes. I love your cute nose.” Neal laughed lightly and Peter bumped his nose against Neal’s playfully. “I don’t understand how someone can be so damn handsome, beautiful, and cute all at once. You lucky bastard.”

Neal giggled and Peter grinned at him, loving that sound more than anything else. Well, _almost_ anything else. “You’re all of that and more,” he said softly.

“Pft. Don’t bullshit me.” Neal raised an eyebrow. “I’m standing with you. No one could ever be more handsome, more beautiful, or more adorable than you while in your presence.”

“Who’s bullshitting who now?” he teased.

Peter wrapped his arms around Neal and chuckled. “Sometimes, I can’t believe you’re all mine.”

Neal lifted his left hand and stroked the side of Peter’s face lovingly. “You’re an attractive man and I like the way you look at me. You’ve always shown me that you love me when you’re looking at me. I know you’re hungry for sex, but you make sure that isn’t the priority and that… I appreciate that, Peter.”

“Making love to you is special, but that doesn’t mean I can’t make my relationship and connection with you special. Everything about you is special, Neal. You’re such a magnet—drawing me to you every moment of every day.”

Every time Peter said something like that, butterflies fluttered in Neal’s stomach and in his chest. “Why don’t you take me back to bed, hold me, and make me feel special while holding me close?”

Kissing Neal’s hair, Peter whispered, “It would be my pleasure, honey.”

•◊•

Jon went downstairs to find his son brewing coffee in the kitchen. He was shirtless and looked exhausted, but Jon knew why. After all, he’d woken up to Neal’s screams as well. He’d gotten out of bed to see if Neal was okay, but he heard Peter calming him down, so he decided he’d let Peter handle it because Peter knew how to better than anyone else. “Good morning, son.”

“Morning, dad,” he murmured.

“You okay?”

Peter nodded, rubbing his eyes. “I’m sure you heard Neal throughout the night.” He glanced over his shoulder to see Jon nod. “I kept trying to figure out how to get him to sleep peacefully. It didn’t work. Nothing I did helped him completely.”

Jon’s brows furrowed. “What exactly was scaring him?”

“He was having very gory, graphic nightmares and he felt like they were happening to him. The pain he was in within the nightmare scared him shitless and had him screaming.” Frowning and lowering his gaze to the floor, he whispered, “I feel responsible. I don’t know why, but I think I said something to him at some point yesterday that made him dream about _them._.”

“What could you have possibly said to him that made him think of those monsters?”

Peter shrugged. “I don’t know, but I’m just letting him sleep. He finally relaxed around five.” It was ten-thirty now, so Jon knew Peter hadn’t gone to sleep since five—perhaps even before that. “I haven’t slept since he woke me up at quarter after one. I wanted to make sure he slept peacefully, but he kept waking up. I stayed up to comfort him each time. He was waking up every hour on the hour. Since five, he’s been pretty quiet. I go up frequently to check on him though.”

Jon nodded, moving towards his son. He rubbed Peter’s back and smiled at him sympathetically. “I’m sure he appreciates it, Peter.”

“I know he does,” Peter agreed. “I just wish I could figure out what caused this. If I can’t fix whatever it is, he’ll keep having these nightmares.”

“Was it like this after he came back from Craig the first time?”

Peter closed his eyes and nodded. “That was so much worse though. I can handle this. Back then, he didn’t just toss and turn and wake up screaming. He was thrashing enough to shake the whole bed. Sometimes, one of us was knocked off of the bed. Once or twice, he fell off of the bed and tried to crawl away.” Jon could see the tears sliding down Peter’s cheeks and he felt bad for Peter. “He was violent in his sleep because he was desperately trying to escape. He screamed loud enough to scare Nicky several times.” Shaking his head, he whispered, “This is nothing in comparison to that.”

Not too long after Jon and Peter finished that conversation, Neal came downstairs with a robe on. His hair was a mess and he looked sad. “Hey, kid,” Jon said, smiling at him.

Neal forced a smile and whispered, “Hey.”

Peter smiled a bit as well and Neal met his eyes next. They silently stared at each other and Jon could see that they were communicating even though no words were spoken. “C’mere,” Peter said softly. Neal seemed really tense, but he went straight to Peter when Peter told him he could come closer and opened his arms to Neal. Peter held him close, rubbing his back. “How’re you feeling?” Neal shrugged, resting his hands on Peter’s warm skin. “I’m not upset with you if you’re thinking that I am, Neal,” he said. “You’re my husband. I’d do anything for you and I’m trying, sweetheart.”

“I’m sorry that I kept waking up,” he said thickly, sounding like he was on the verge of tears. “I don’t know what the hell my problem is.”

Hushing the younger man, Peter said, “There’s nothing wrong with you, darling.”

Neal didn’t really agree with that, but he didn’t feel up to arguing with Peter at the moment. It was bad enough that he was reliving his rapes, but with a sickening twist—and a little more violence. He didn’t need to hurt Peter at the same time. He just kept quiet even after Hannah and Nicky came downstairs—even after he and Peter dressed themselves properly and brought the twins down.

Nicky was watching his father and had been doing so since coming down to see him frowning. He’d seen Neal like that before Peter came into their lives, but he’d rarely seen it since then. It made him wonder if something happened between his fathers during the night. He’d heard Neal once throughout the night. Now that he was thinking about things, he wished he’d gone out to see if his dad was okay. “Dad, are you okay?” he finally asked when his father’s silence began to bother the hell out of him.

“Yeah, kiddo. I’m just fine.”

One look at Peter immediately told Nicky that Neal was lying. Peter was concerned and looked a little upset himself, but his focus was solely on Neal. “Don’t lie to me.”

The teenager knew he’d gone too far when Neal snapped, “It’s none of your business, Nicolas.”

Peter immediately leaned forward before Neal could say anything else he’d regret later. “Take it easy,” Peter whispered, gripping Neal’s left shoulder. He rubbed his husband gently, keeping an eye on him. Neal was irritable because he felt like he’d messed up and Peter wasn’t admitting that he did. Peter just wished Neal would realize that he hadn’t done anything wrong at any point during the night. “He’s just concerned, Neal.”

Neal shifted Brie out of his lap and growled, “He’s my God damn fifteen year old son. _He_ shouldn’t be concerned about _me,_ ” as he left the room, storming into the kitchen to be alone.

Peter, his parents, and Nicky were all stunned. Just as Peter was going to set Joey down on the floor beside Brie, Jon put his hand out and said, “I’ll talk to him.” Peter frowned, but nodded. He wanted to be the one to comfort Neal, but he knows his father loves Neal as much as he does.

Jon headed out into the kitchen and the first thing Neal said was, “Fuck off, Peter.”

“What if I’m not Peter?” Neal spun, eyes wide, and immediately looked apologetic. “Son, is there something you’d like to get off your chest? It isn’t like you to snap at both your son and your husband within moments of each other.”

Neal bowed his head, looking really ashamed of himself. “I don’t know why I snapped at them,” he whispered. Jon nodded and neared Neal. He was surprised that Neal wasn’t trying to shy away from him. “Jon, have you ever tried to protect the people you love from yourself?” Jon’s eyebrows furrowed as he tried to understand what Neal was asking him. “Have you ever tried to push all of your internal issues aside and bury them to protect your family?”

Jon nodded. “I’ve done it in the past. Our family was going through some things when Peter and Cara were younger, but I had to act like none of it affected me so it wouldn’t affect them—so it wouldn’t hurt them.” Staring at his son-in-law concernedly, he asked, “What are you trying to protect your family from?”

“I wish I… If I could erase my memories of being raped and tortured, I would take the opportunity without hesitation.” Glancing out towards the other room, he added, “I love them, Jon. Nicky is my baby—my biological baby—and Peter’s my husband. They and the twins are my life. I don’t like being this…depressing man. I don’t like bringing Peter down nor do I like exhausting him because I’m waking him up as a result of my night terrors.”

“He doesn’t regret being there to help you through them, Neal. I know he’d do it all over again for you because he loves you—nightmares and all.” He gave Neal a small smile and whispered, “Believe me when I say Peter wishes he could erase those memories, too, Neal. If you could be relieved of your painful memories, I’m sure things would be easier for you to live with.”

Neal shrugged, meeting Jon’s eyes directly. “I just want to protect them, especially our kids. I don’t like acting this way with Nick. He did nothing wrong. He’s just worried about his daddy…”

Jon moved in to embrace the younger man the moment Neal’s eyes watered as his lips trembled. Neal automatically clung to Jon, crying quietly as he clutched the fabric of Jon’s shirt in his fists. “They love you no matter what,” Jon promised him. “Peter is so in love with you, Neal. I’m not sure if you noticed, but he hasn’t been able to take his eyes off of you since you came down.” He rubbed Neal’s back and kissed his neck. “He’ll never leave you. You could keep him up all night and he’ll still love you to death. I know my boy, Neal. Peter isn’t going to leave you because of what you’ve gone through and what you’re still going through.” He smiled faintly as he added, “Peter isn’t going to leave you _period._ ”

Breathing shakily, Neal asked, “What would he do if I left to protect him?”

“He’d chase you to the ends of the earth, Neal. You’re everything to him and he wants you in his life—he wants to be in yours.” Closing his eyes, he listened to Neal breathe heavily. This was an ongoing issue with Neal. Just as he thought everything was okay, things went to hell and he relapsed. Every time it happened, he had the urge to run—to protect his husband and his children from himself. “Don’t you dare run away, Neal George Burke,” he said. “Peter won’t be the only one looking for you, kid.”

Neal laughed lightly and nodded against Jon. “Every time I talk to you, I see so much of you in Peter,” he murmured. “He’s definitely your son, Jon, and I’m grateful for that. You’re both wonderful men.”

“As are you, Neal. Don’t sell yourself short. You’re a very wonderful man.” He kissed Neal’s neck one last time before whispering, “You get out there and talk to your husband and son, Neal. They’re here for you because they want to be. Let them help you instead of shying away from them, okay?”

The younger man nodded as he backed away to rub his eyes. “Thank you,” he whispered, “for always giving me some kind of advice when you’re talking to me.”

They returned to the living room where the rest of their family was waiting for them and Peter’s eyes immediately locked onto Neal’s. Neal could see the love and concern in his eyes and he knew Jon was right. He knows Peter wouldn’t leave him, especially not over something like this. Peter wishes he could change Neal’s past because he hates what Vincent and Craig did to him. He wouldn’t leave Neal after promising him so many times that he’d never walk away because he loves Neal too much.

In Peter’s eyes, he found warmth and affection. Peter rose up from the couch and moved towards him then, tentatively pulling him into a gentle embrace. In Peter’s arms, he found unconditional love and security. With Peter in his life, he believed he had the only man who could ever possibly love him after learning about his past. He knows he has the only man who would strive to prove his love time for Neal time and time again if it were put into question. “I love you,” he whispered near Neal’s ear. “And I’ll always love you, Neal. I love you more every day.”

“I know,” Neal whispered, “and I hope you know that I love you more with each and every day that passes, too, Peter Michael.”

“I do,” Peter said softly, smiling a little. “We’re meant to be together, Neal. Don’t believe otherwise—ever.”

•◊•

“You know I’ll never tell you that you can’t open up to me, right?”

Neal glanced up as Peter came down to his desk. It was Monday morning and, after a very long weekend, they’d made it. Neal hoped and prayed that he wouldn’t endure more night terrors when he went home with his husband and slept in their bed with him. The last two nights proved to be hell on them both. “Yes. Why?”

Peter sat on the edge of Neal’s desk and Neal turned in his chair, focusing on his husband entirely. “I’ve been thinking,” he whispered, “and I hope you know that you never have to keep anything to yourself. I’m not saying you can’t have privacy. All I’m saying is that I don’t want you to hurt yourself emotionally or physically.” He messed with his watch nervously as he said, “You’re my husband and I want to help you through something as best I can.”

Rolling his chair closer to Peter, he took Peter’s hands in his, resting them on Peter’s lap. “I’m sorry if I made you think I’m unwilling to talk to you about things,” he said quietly. “I’ve really appreciated you through all that you’ve done for me, Peter. Waking me up from those nightmares has helped considerably because I don’t get to see the outcome.” Peter frowned, looking down at their hands. “You wake me up to reality. The reality of my life is with you—with our family. I’m safe, cared for, loved… I’m able to focus on being a father, a husband, and an FBI agent. I don’t need to focus all of my energy on worrying that I’m hurting you or worrying that a psychopath will kidnap our son…”

“You’ve never hurt me,” Peter insisted. “If either of us has been hurt by the other, it’s you. I’ve hurt you considerably in several different ways that I regret.” He rubbed his thumb over Neal’s wedding ring, lifting his gaze to meet Neal’s eyes again. “Reading your journal, accusing you of cheating on me, criticizing you… Neal, you’ve been the most faithful man I’ve ever met.”

Neal scoffed, shaking his head. “I’ve had sex with two other men since we got together.”

Peter glared and Neal shrank into himself a bit as his face heated up. “They don’t count. Those monsters did unspeakable things to you. What they did wasn’t consensual by any means, Neal. No matter what you think, you did _not_ consent to rape,” he whispered fiercely. “They forced you. You never willingly had sex with either of them, Neal, so you’ve been faithful to me.” He intertwined their fingers and leaned forward as he said, “You’ve always been a faithful man, Neal. I know you’re monogamous regardless of who you’re with. Doing anything with more than one partner disgusts you, so I’ve never concerned myself with you bringing another man into our bed.”

“Because I can’t love two men at the same time and I can’t bring someone into a place I cherish with the man I love.” Peter smiled at him lovingly and Neal returned it. “Besides, what else could I want? I have a man who loves me as I am, a man who respects me, a man who would give anything to protect me.”

“I’d die for you,” Peter whispered.

“ _Live_ for me,” Neal countered with a very small, teasing smile. “I want you to live for me. If you die for me, I’ll be miserable.”

Peter chuckled, nodding. “You don’t even have to tell me what you’d do for me. I’ve seen it in action.” Neal wanted so desperately to curl up with Peter somewhere and just relax in that moment. “You’re everything I want, Neal. Thank you for being mine—for giving me everything you have to offer.” Before Neal could say anything, Peter added, “I will be here through the good times and the bad. No matter what happens, you are still my everything.”

Neal smiled softly and whispered, “You’ve always been everything to me, but you do share that place in my heart with our little ones.” Peter chuckled, grinning at him. “Thank you for being patient with me, Peter. I don’t understand how you can put up with me at times. I’m not sure I could do it. Sometimes, even I can’t put up with me.”

“And that, my love, is why I’m your husband. You can’t deal with yourself at times and it’s my job to show you the proof that you’re worth it.” He scooted off of the desk and kissed Neal’s forehead right there in the bullpen. “You’ve been worth it and I have never, for even a moment, believed otherwise.” Neal smiled up at the older man, finding himself thanking God for giving him a guardian angel. “I don’t regret falling in love with you. I don’t regret marrying you. I don’t regret raising three children with you.” Blushing a little, he whispered, “I don’t regret anything I’ve ever done with you in or out of our bedroom.”

“I certainly hope you don’t,” Neal teased. “You’re a very passionate man in both environments.”

Peter smirked, slipping his right hand out of Neal’s left. He patted Neal’s cheek before caressing his warm skin. “I’m only passionate because I have a man I love being with. I’ve been around other men who bore the shit out of me. You tend to keep my life interesting.”

Laughing, Neal asked, “Men on the job or are you attempting to see others?”

“Men on the job, you dork,” Peter said, rolling his eyes. “The probies are so fucking dry. You were more interesting as a probie than they are.”

“That’s because we were having sex.”

Peter gaped at him, flushing a deeper shade of red. “That’s so not true, Neal George.”

“Burke,” a deep voice called out, interrupting their conversation. Both Neal and Peter glanced up at Reese in question. “Peter,” he clarified, gesturing for Peter to come to him.

“Back in a few, I hope,” Peter murmured, rubbing his thumb over Neal’s cheekbone before making his way up to Reese’s office.

Neal watched them for a few moments after the door closed, but it didn’t look like Reese was saying anything that infuriated Peter, so Neal went back to doing his work. He had a few cases he needed to work on and write reports for. After being in DC, he had some catching up to do.

“Fuck,” he whispered when he opened one of his folders. This was a case from nearly a month ago that he still hadn’t resolved. Reese would probably comment on that later, but Peter would more than likely stick up for him and ask Reese to give him an excuse for that particular case.

“Neal.” His name was said with so much bitterness, resentment, and anger that his stomach began to churn when he looked up. Peter stormed down into the bullpen and stopped directly in front of Neal’s desk. Neal stared up at his husband, wide-eyed and slightly afraid. “Where did you take Rebecca when you took her out of our home?” Neal was confused, wondering why Peter was upset with him about this. “Where the hell did you take her?”

Neal stammered, “Her parents house. They said she’d be taken care of there.” Swallowing hard, he asked, “Why?”

Peter came around to stand beside Neal, slamming a folder down onto the desk. He opened it up and showed Neal the reason he was pissed off. “Because _Rachel Turner_ is formerly an agent in MI-five.” Neal stared at the folder in disbelief, moving it towards himself to make sure Peter read that correctly. “Neal, she’s a professional killer. She could have killed you at any God damn moment and neither of us would have seen it coming.” Neal had no words. He just couldn’t believe this. “I think everything she went through was a lie, Neal.”

“But she…”

He remembered Rebecca saying, “ _It isn’t rape if I ask you to do it._ ” She’d cornered him then and attempted to seduce him, attempted to make him have sex with her even though Peter was just around the corner in the other room. Now that he thought about it, she was probably lying about it all.

“Holy shit,” he whispered. Peter gripped Neal’s shoulder, giving him a concerned look now. “Everything was a lie. The rape, her love for me, her…” He honestly didn’t believe himself when he said that her love for him was fabricated because she seemed like she genuinely wanted him. “She’s six years younger than me.” He turned to his computer and immediately searched something. He remembered reading an article a few years ago about a man who was raped. He read it for obvious reasons, but he’d been curious because the man claimed to have been raped by a woman. Upon finding the article, he reread the details the man had given about his perpetrator in his statement. “She forced someone to have sex with her before.”

Peter leaned forward and read the article, and then he looked at his husband. “She knew you were raped before she met you,” Peter guessed. “She tried to get close to you—like that man said. He was drugged when she claimed to be an escort. Assuming this is Rachel, she knew what she was doing. The man here was probably one of her many underground contacts she interacted with anonymously and she took advantage of that.”

Neal’s throat was dry as he said, “She was going to force me to have sex with her.” Peter squeezed Neal’s shoulder even as his rage was becoming unbearable. “She has to be with her parents still,” he suggested, looking up at Peter. “She doesn’t know that we know who she is. We can take her by surprise.”

“Okay. I’ll round up a team. You get ready to move and we’ll head over.”

Within ten minutes, the couple and seven other agents were en route to Rachel’s parents’ home. Neal immediately felt uneasy when he parked in front of the house. The two cars in the driveway both had all flat tires. “This isn’t good,” he whispered.

All agents were cautious. Peter sent five agents around to go in through the back, taking Neal and the remaining two agents with him through the front. “Keep your eyes and ears open,” Peter whispered as they stopped near the door. Peter met Neal’s gaze when they both realized the front door was already open. Peter burst through first with Neal right behind him. Since the two of them had been partners for a little over half of a decade, they knew each other’s styles and they had a routine down. Neal covered Peter as Peter searched the house. The other seven agents were inside as well, but Neal wanted to stay with his husband. He wouldn’t risk Peter’s life by allowing some newbie to watch over Peter—not that Peter couldn’t protect himself or anything, but Neal wanted to keep Peter safe nonetheless. “We’ve got two bodies,” Peter said when they went into the kitchen together. Neal glanced over his shoulder to see Rachel’s parents lying in pools of their own blood, staring up at the ceiling in surprise.

“Jesus Christ,” Neal whispered. Peter still crouched beside the bodies and felt their necks for a pulse. He glanced up at Neal and shook his head. “She killed her own parents.”

“Makes you wonder if they were the anonymous tippers.” Neal gave him another confused look. “We had a tip that Rachel was in the city under an alias. The caller sounded worried, frightened even, according to Reese.”

They heard the other agents calling out ‘clear’ in the other rooms, but Neal still felt sickened as he stared at the man and woman he’d left Reb— _Rachel_ with. They’d seemed nervous when he dropped her off, but he hadn’t thought anything of it until now. He realized now that he hadn’t bothered to do a background check to see if they were actually her parents, but why would he have considered that? He couldn’t think of any reasons as to why she’d lie about who her parents were. If these two weren’t her parents, then he wondered why she’d killed them. “She’s a fucking psychopath,” Neal said, sounding disgusted. “My mother allowed Vincent to rape me for almost three years and I never considered ending her life like this.”

Peter ignored him as he looked around for clues, knowing there had to be something to explain all of this somewhere. He didn’t intentionally ignore his husband, but he didn’t want to make a snarky ‘I told you so’ comment at the moment. He turned just as Neal was walking out of the kitchen. “Where the hell do you think you’re going?”

Neal startled at the ferocity of Peter’s voice. “I was going to look around the house a bit,” he said slowly, feeling like he was in the wrong entirely.

“Do you honestly think walking away from me right now is the smartest thing to do? You have a potential target on your back, Neal George, and I don’t want to let you out of my sight for even a second.”

“Despite what you may think, I am capable of defending myself, Peter,” Neal snapped. “I was only raped because I was protecting people I love. If I was the only one put into jeopardy, I could have protected myself. I had other lives on the line when they threatened me.”

Peter looked really pissed off as he said, “She’s a killer, Neal, and a sexual predator. She killed her own parents. Who’s to say she won’t kill you? Even if her feelings for you are genuine, she’s twisted.” Neal made a sound of disbelief and walked away. “Neal!”

“What?” he said exasperatedly, turning around as Peter chased him.

The older man gripped his husband’s biceps, staring at him fearfully. “I don’t want to let you out of my sight,” he whispered. “I don’t want her to hurt you, so please… Please stay with me.”

“We have more than a handful of agents with us, Peter. I’m sure I’ll be fine if I walk away for five minutes.” Peter stared at Neal silently, pleading with him. “Peter, I love you for being so protective of me, but I’ll be fine. I have my gun—and my GPS is enabled on my phone. You can easily check your own phone and see where I’m at.”

Peter bit his lip, considering everything Neal said. His fear was warring with his rationale. He was so afraid of losing Neal again because he never knew if he’d get Neal back. He wasn’t just afraid. He was fucking terrified by the thought that Neal would be abducted or killed. Neal went through enough already. That part of him wanted to lock Neal away in a very safe place that only he knew about so no one could ever take his husband away from him.

But he knew that wasn’t fair to Neal by any means. Peter constantly reminds him that he’s a man, that he’s strong, and that he’s a survivor. By implying that Neal couldn’t protect himself if he walked away from Peter’s side for a few minutes, he was insulting Neal’s masculinity and his ability to survive on his own as well as his performance as an FBI agent. “Fine,” Peter whispered. “Don’t you dare go outside without me—and don’t go too far.”

“I promise,” Neal whispered. He gave Peter a half smile, rubbing Peter’s chest with the hand that wasn’t holding his gun. “I love you and appreciate how much you want to protect me, but I’ll be okay. As long as I know you’re here to protect me if I need you, I feel safe.”

“The second anything comes up, you better yell for me.”

Neal teased him with a salute. “Yes, sir.” Peter glared in response until Neal slid his arm around Peter and kissed him tenderly. “I love you, teddy.”

“I love you, too, brat,” Peter muttered, rubbing Neal’s left hip. Neal chuckled when they parted and he smiled at Peter one last time before turning around to head into a different room. He intended on looking for clues as well because he wanted to actually do something helpful instead of become a liability.

Peter kept looking around the bodies for anything that may help them figure out Rachel’s intentions and endgame.

It took him several minutes to stumble upon a discarded taser. Crouching down while pulling gloves on, he picked it up a moment later and observed it. On the opposite side of the taser, there was writing. _There’s always something waiting and even if it’s bad, and you know it’s bad, what can you do?_ It was part of a quote by Truman Capote as far as Peter was concerned and it took him mere moments to find the darker meaning—the darker intention that was not supposed to be conveyed in Capote’s words. Neal cried out and the sound of a thud came moments later.

Peter gasped and dropped the taser, holding his gun tightly in his hands as he heard tires screeching outside. Guns were firing, but he knew it was too late. He ran outside and watched a white van with no plate speed away. “Agent Burke, we tried to—”

Peter didn’t hear whatever else the agent was saying. It didn’t register as he darted across the lawn and unlocked the Taurus, quickly getting into it. He didn’t bother with a seatbelt and he was quick to start the car up. “God damn it,” he growled, hoping his anger would override his fear because he wanted to save Neal. Fearing that Neal would be hurt wouldn’t do him any good, but being enraged by Rachel would fuel his fire.

He was able to catch up to a white van several minutes later and he sped around it, figuring that it was a ruse for the van to be doing the speed limit with a hostage in the back of the van. The driver pulled over and Peter parked in such a way that the man driving the vehicle would have to damage the Taurus if he intended on driving off. He yelled for the driver to get out and the man was quick to do so, raising his hands immediately. “I didn’t do anything, officer. I swear.”

“FBI,” he said tightly, additionally snapping, “Open the back of your fucking van right now.” The man went around to the back of his van quickly since Peter’s gun was drawn. He fumbled to unlock the doors and the moment he did so, Peter shoved him aside and peered into the back, frantically searching for his husband. “Neal,” he whispered as he found nothing but a bunch of pastries in boxes. “Where the hell is Neal?” he cried out, panicking now. How could he have lost the van so quickly? This one had no plates on it either, but it _had_ to be the same van his husband was thrown into.

His heart raced as he stared into the back of the van incredulously, not wanting to believe he’d lost his husband again. He shoved his gun into his holster and leapt into the van, shoving boxes aside in the hopes that Neal might’ve been covered by them in case someone wanted to inspect the van since it had no plate. “Sir?” the driver said tentatively.

“No,” he whispered, repeating that single word several more times, his voice growing more and more frantic as he continued to move boxes. It was all for naught because there was no sight of Neal at all. Not only was his heart racing now. It was pounding and breaking simultaneously as tears welled up in his eyes and his breathing accelerated.

He _couldn’t_ have lost Neal so easily. He just _couldn’t_ have…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's the end of the second part of my Threads verse. I have one more story in progress that will contain sixty chapters like the two before it, but I'm very open to doing one-shots to complement parts of the story that anyone would like to read more about. I'll definitely take requests for those one-shots, so please feel free to leave comments at any time either on this chapter or in the third part if you have a sudden interest I can entertain.
> 
> As I said at the end of part one: I'd like to thank all of you who gave kudos, favorites, and comments to this story. I wouldn't have been able to keep myself motivated if not for you! Your comments kept me inspired throughout, so thank you once again.  
> In addition, it meant a lot to have you comment on chapters even if you only did it once or twice. Your feedback is always appreciated. Thank you so much for reading _To Us the World is Different_ as well as this part. Part three will be up soon!


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